My conservative grandmother used to be a big Trump supporter, but this year her mail-in ballot was cast for Joe Biden.

No way would she have done that if she were still alive.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

A very Christian and conservative dad is mad at his son, Marcus, for having long hair.

Every day, when he comes home from work and sees Marcus, he gets dissapointed and mad because in his mind, men shouldn't have long hair.

One night, when he comes home, he gives his usual dissapointed look to his son and walks into the kitchen to eat whatever his wife had made.

A few ...

I saw a homeless man the other day and I had some money on me. I wanted to be conservative with it

So I told him to get a job

Why are conservatives known as rednecks?

They don’t use sunscreen because the bottle says to apply liberally.

How do you get a conservative to admit that Trump is a criminal?

Describe one of his crimes, but get one detail wrong, then wait for them to correct you.

What's something you can say to your pet and your conservative relatives?

Awe, that's a big stretch.

My Grandparents are old school conservative

My wife and I went to stay with them so they demanded I share a bad with my grandfather and my wife would share a bed when my grandmother.

In the middle of the night my grandad shakes me awake and I ask "what's wrong?"

He says to me "I'm going down to service your grandmother and I'll ...

How conservative will Amy Coney Barrett's decisions be as a Supreme Court Justice?

I don't know, ask her husband.

What spell did the magician cast when he wanted a seat that doubled as a conservative commentator?

“Bench-appear-o!”

How does a conservative wizard summon a chair?

"Bench-appearo!"

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A very conservative husband on his wedding night....

finds that his wife was a Virgin exclaims: "I want to kiss the one who took care of you and protected your Virginity."

She gives a naughty smile and says:

"Kiss My Ass."

A young conservative man went on Reddit and pretended to be liberal to fit in.

It's been almost a year and his family still won't shut up about fraudulent upvotes.

r/conservative is furious that their voices are being censored and that people are picking and choosing who can be heard

"This thread is for conservatives only"

Twitter have just created a keyboard shortcut that mutes all Neo-Conservative posts.

Ctrl + Alt + Right

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What do you call a conservative prostitute that gets banned from twitter?

A Parler trick

An Old Friend........

A farmer was at a diner one day having lunch, when he noticed an old friend of his who was also dining there.

What really caught the farmer’s attention, was that his friend was wearing an earring.

The farmer knew that his old friend was a fairly conservative fellow, so he was really cu...

Why aren’t more conservatives protesting the sales of pre-shredded cheese?

I thought we were trying to make America grate again.

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Mr. and Mrs. Johnson wanted to join a very conservative church.

"When was the last time you had sex?" asked the minister.

"Just this morning," said Mr. Johnson.

"At our church," said the minister, "we do not tolerate it when people have sex more than once every three months. Today is May 1st. Please come back by August 1st. If you have not had sex...

I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short

My conservative family keeps telling me, “Try to be more like Jesus!”

So I converted to Judaism.

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I was born in a very conservative family

so I am very much opposed to the idea of sex before marriage. This is why I always wait for women to get married before I sleep with them.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

Arguing with my ultra conservative father always went the same way - Me: I thought ...

Him: That was your first problem.

Nice to see that the Taliban are taking COVID seriously

They kill any woman not wearing a mask. They aren't playing around.

From a post on r/conservative I found.

The Joy of Sects

A man crossing a bridge sees a suicidal chap about to take a big dive, Thinking he could be the good Samaritan, he stops and calls to the jumper.

GS: "Hey Buddy, Lets talk, Don't do anything rash, life is good, lets find something to talk about, Say tell me friend, are you religious?"

...

Which x-men member is hated by conservatives?

Caitlyn Jenner

A liberal and a conservative enter a bar. They sit down and each one orders a beer. After a while, they start to talk about immigration policy.

They start to argue if the USA needs immigrants or not.


After a few hours when it looks like both used all arguments they could find to sustain their position, the liberal says:


“You know, Trump is the living proof that America needs immigrants.”


“How so?” responds t...

"Conservatives hate this one simple trick...!!!"

*Count every vote.*

These days, it seems everything in politics means the opposite of what it claims.

Conservatives don't conserve, progressives don't progress, and socialists don't socialise.

A Republican and a Democrat found a magic lamp

The genie said "I will grant one wish per person". The Republican immediately jumped forward and said "I wish all Republicans and conservatives had their own planet, separate from all these libs." The genie nodded and the Republican vanished. The Democrat then asked "Are they all on their own planet...

What does it take to turn a conservative into a socialist?

$1200.

What did the conservatives say to the abortion rights supporters?

You'll never de-fetus.

What do conservatives call medical marijuana?

Medi-sin

Why do so many conservatives own game consoles?

Because they hate PC culture.

Who could've expected conservative party member Boris Johnson....

would end up getting a Prince Albert?

How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.





*They're afraid of change - even if it is to make the world a brighter place.*

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What do you call a homosexual supreme ruler with neither conservative nor liberal views?

Mod Czar Gay

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My very conservative coworker told me about the first time he had sex...

[to view this body of this joke, please upgrade to the Tier II telecom package]

...and I'll never think of jesus the same way again.

What do you call a Conservative MP who can actually calm things down?

An anti-inflamaTory.

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In medieval times in Rome, the Pope, influenced by some conservative advisers, decided to expel all Jews from the city

The Pope, not wanting to seem as forcing his decision on the Jews, allowed a debate to be held so the Jews could defend their citizenship.

That night, the Jewish Rabbis gathered in the synagogue to decide who will debate against the Pope. However none of the Rabbis wanted to debate against hi...

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A couple from a conservative town are getting hot and heavy...

...and the guy asks the girl for a blowjob. The girl was lost, but not wanting to seem sexually inexperienced, decides to go for it. She lets him guide her head towards his crotch, at which point he stops, waiting for her. She's thinking hard and fast now, and in a moment of inspiration, begins to f...

A young boy is asked by his teacher what his parents do for a living

“Well my mother is a psychologist and my dad plays the piano in a brothel” the boy replies

The teacher, shocked by the father’s profession
calls the parents to ask them about the young boy’s comment.

When the parents arrive, the father apologised to the teacher saying “I’m sorry I...

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How does a wife get her conservative husband to find her clitoris?

Tell him it lives downtown in an underserved area and wears a hood.

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Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

A conservative cardiovascular surgeon walked out of the OR today.

"I'm sick and tired of these bleeding heart liberals!" He proclaimed. The patient promptly died.

Why don't conservatives believe in global warming?

Because of all the snowflakes.

A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar...

the bartender says 'hey, Mitt.'

I heard the White House Correspondents Association is going to give equal time to a conservative comedian at next year's dinner

I hope a year is long enough to find one.

My girl asked me how i can, like, be a conservative...

I told her I like to be right

Why do conservative data analysts hate vertically joining datasets?

Because they're anti-union

Why are conservatives climate change deniers?

Because they want to melt the snowflakes!

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Arguing with a social conservative is like trying to play chess with a pigeon...

No matter how good you are at chess, the pigeon is just going to shit on the board, knock down the pieces and strut around like it's victorious.

When I was pregnant I was with the conservatives

But now I'm in Labour

When I stayed over at my girlfriend's house, her extremely conservative father wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which was a shame, because he is very attractive.

A conservative gets into a car accident with a bus full of socialists.

"Are you guys alright?" asks the conservative.

"No, we're mostly left."

The Comical Conservative

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
<...

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The dean of a conservative college was mad that boys kept entering the girls dorm.... He called a general assembly and said:

"It is unacceptable for anyone to enter the dormitory of the opposite sex! If anyone is caught doing this from now on, it will result in a $100 fine for the first offence. If the same individual is caught a second time, the fine is $500, and for a third offence, the fine is $1000! Does anyone have a...

What dish would you cook to ensnare a member of the UK Conservative Party?

Chicken Cacciatore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

What do conservatives hate about mixed ethnicity math classes?

There's too much integration

Liberals are more generous than conservatives

Not only are they generous with their own money, they are also generous with other people's money!

(This is just a joke sorry)

The Ancient Romans were debating how to count things

Their city state was already hundreds of years old, and their Republic was barrelling down the pathway to Empire: but they still hadn't decided fully how to count things.

The Senate was a blaze of fury as populares and optimates rowed over the proper way to measure and record all things numer...

There was once a conservative redditor

I'm just a conservative millennial

I like to party Alt-Night.

How do you spot a conservative at a dinner party?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.

Welcome to the conservative party

I asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.

Both her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I...

What's the difference between a liberal and a conservative?

One wants to kill in the first trimester and the other wants to kill in the hundred sixtith trimester.

You know why I hate conservatives?

They all make huge generalizations about liberals

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