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Conservative Jokes

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Why are male conservatives against mandates?

That would be so gay.



*No need to rough me up, I'll let myself out.*

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American conservatives are pretty homophobic

for people so proud of their four fathers

Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?

California had first choice!

**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **

A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar...

the bartender says 'hey, Mitt.'

What did the conservatives say to the abortion rights supporters?

You'll never de-fetus.

I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short

what's the fastest way to get banned from r/conservative?

source?

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...

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I was born in a very conservative family

so I am very much opposed to the idea of sex before marriage. This is why I always wait for women to get married before I sleep with them.

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Three couples are trying to join a very conservative church

After going through all of the night classes, Bible lectures, and vows, the minister says they have one final test: they must abstain from relations for one week. All of them agree and go on their way.

When they return, the minister asks them how they did.

The first couple is in their...

How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten.

One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.

What is a conservative provocatuer's favorite game?

Mad Libs

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My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

Conservatives can't tell jokes

But they sure can elect them

Why does the conservative agenda seem to be fill-in-the-blank these days?

Because they only care about Mad Libs!

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Is Virginia a conservative state?

Generally

Why are conservatives known as rednecks?

They don’t use sunscreen because the bottle says to apply liberally.

How does a conservative wizard summon a chair?

"Bench-appearo!"

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Mr. and Mrs. Johnson wanted to join a very conservative church.

"When was the last time you had sex?" asked the minister.

"Just this morning," said Mr. Johnson.

"At our church," said the minister, "we do not tolerate it when people have sex more than once every three months. Today is May 1st. Please come back by August 1st. If you have not had sex...

What are the two things conservatives hate?

The way things are, and change.

Why can't conservatives ever make good chili and barbeque?

Because they have to be liberal with their spices.

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A very conservative husband on his wedding night....

finds that his wife was a Virgin exclaims: "I want to kiss the one who took care of you and protected your Virginity."

She gives a naughty smile and says:

"Kiss My Ass."

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...

How do you get a conservative to admit that Trump is a criminal?

A picture of Dave Chappelle's character Tyrone Biggums from the TV show 'Chappelle's Show' asking for more of something.

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My very conservative coworker told me about the first time he had sex...

[to view this body of this joke, please upgrade to the Tier II telecom package]

...and I'll never think of jesus the same way again.

r/conservative is furious that their voices are being censored and that people are picking and choosing who can be heard

"This thread is for conservatives only"

My conservative brother is considering buying free weights…

To own the lbs.

"Conservatives hate this one simple trick...!!!"

*Count every vote.*

My Grandparents are old school conservative

My wife and I went to stay with them so they demanded I share a bad with my grandfather and my wife would share a bed when my grandmother.

In the middle of the night my grandad shakes me awake and I ask "what's wrong?"

He says to me "I'm going down to service your grandmother and I'll ...

I read that conservatives want to ban CRT.

I'm not happy with that. I can't afford a new television right now.

On the first day God created the heavens, the earth and the Conservative

Conservative looked around and said "eh, I liked it better yesterday!"

The Comical Conservative

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
<...

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My dad was so conservative that when I was a kid he wouldn't allow Skittles in the house because they let you taste the rainbow.

And rainbows taste like dick.

What's something you can say to your pet and your conservative relatives?

Awe, that's a big stretch.

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What do you call a conservative prostitute that gets banned from twitter?

A Parler trick

Which x-men member is hated by conservatives?

Caitlyn Jenner

Twitter have just created a keyboard shortcut that mutes all Neo-Conservative posts.

Ctrl + Alt + Right

Six Supreme Court justices, floating face-down in a river

All 6 conservative members of the SCOTUS got stranded in the woods with only a giant suitcase and a couple of paddles. Then they came to a raging river- it was fast-moving, wide and rocky but only waist deep. They began to bicker over how to get across. Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch said "We are st...

What do you call a chicken in a dinghy full of tomato sauce, using carrots for oars, chasing a British Conservative fleeing Brexit?

Chicken Cacciatore

According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans

But that’s just a Conservative estimate

Why are conservatives climate change deniers?

Because they want to melt the snowflakes!

Who could've expected conservative party member Boris Johnson....

would end up getting a Prince Albert?

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

When I stayed over at my girlfriend's house, her extremely conservative father wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which was a shame, because he is very attractive.

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Black man kills conservative politician!

The final Fox News spin on Osama's death.

The Canadian Conservative Party Leadership Convention is taking so long...

Justin Trudeau managed to create another scandal.

What's a conservative's least favourite instruction?

Apply liberally.

Why do so many conservatives own game consoles?

Because they hate PC culture.

Why aren’t more conservatives protesting the sales of pre-shredded cheese?

I thought we were trying to make America grate again.

My girl asked me how i can, like, be a conservative...

I told her I like to be right

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A very conservative couple was hesitant to talk to their daughter about sex...

Years pass and the girl keeps growing up, and they do everything they can to keep her innocent on the subject. She goes to high school and college and the only think they teach her that she should avoid men and be abstinent. Finally, the young woman is engaged to be married. Hesitantly, the parents ...

A conservative, a liberal and a moderate walk into a bar

The conservative orders a whisky, the liberal a white Russian. After a single sip of each they launch into a wild argument with each other.

The bartender turns and asks the moderate what he wants.

Replieth the moderate, "Nothing. I'm the one who has to drive them home."

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Difference between Orthodox, Conservative, and Reformed Jews

At an orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.

At a conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant.

At a reformed wedding, the rabbi is pregnant!



People ask me this question I lot; this is usually the answer I give.

Fiscal conservatives hate spending on infrastructure maintenance and repair.

Bunch of crack addicts!

What do conservatives call medical marijuana?

Medi-sin

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.





*They're afraid of change - even if it is to make the world a brighter place.*

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring...

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says,

"I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
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A Mezuzah For Lamborghini

After years of hard work, a man who has finally made his way in business decides to treat himself and buys an extravagance: A new Lamborghini!


However, after buying it, he feels a bit guilty. So, he goes to the Rabbi of the Orthodox synagogue in his town and asks for a mezuzah for the L...

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