My girl asked me how i can, like, be a conservative...

I told her I like to be right

A very Christian and conservative dad is mad at his son, Marcus, for having long hair.

Every day, when he comes home from work and sees Marcus, he gets dissapointed and mad because in his mind, men shouldn't have long hair.

One night, when he comes home, he gives his usual dissapointed look to his son and walks into the kitchen to eat whatever his wife had made.

A few ...

Why aren’t more conservatives protesting the sales of pre-shredded cheese?

I thought we were trying to make America grate again.

What spell did the magician cast when he wanted a seat that doubled as a conservative commentator?

“Bench-appear-o!”

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

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Mr. and Mrs. Johnson wanted to join a very conservative church.

"When was the last time you had sex?" asked the minister.

"Just this morning," said Mr. Johnson.

"At our church," said the minister, "we do not tolerate it when people have sex more than once every three months. Today is May 1st. Please come back by August 1st. If you have not had sex...

Which x-men member is hated by conservatives?

Caitlyn Jenner

A liberal, a centrist, and a conservative walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Hey Mitt!"

Why aren’t conservatives good at cooking steak?

Because you have to season it liberally.

Who could've expected conservative party member Boris Johnson....

would end up getting a Prince Albert?

What does it take to turn a conservative into a socialist?

$1200.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Bap...

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What do you call a homosexual supreme ruler with neither conservative nor liberal views?

Mod Czar Gay

I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short

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In medieval times in Rome, the Pope, influenced by some conservative advisers, decided to expel all Jews from the city

The Pope, not wanting to seem as forcing his decision on the Jews, allowed a debate to be held so the Jews could defend their citizenship.

That night, the Jewish Rabbis gathered in the synagogue to decide who will debate against the Pope. However none of the Rabbis wanted to debate against hi...

Why do conservative data analysts hate vertically joining datasets?

Because they're anti-union

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I was born in a very conservative family

so I am very much opposed to the idea of sex before marriage. This is why I always wait for women to get married before I sleep with them.

How does a conservative wizard summon a chair?

"Bench-appearo!"

What do you call a Conservative MP who can actually calm things down?

An anti-inflamaTory.

My conservative family keeps telling me, “Try to be more like Jesus!”

So I converted to Judaism.

How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.





*They're afraid of change - even if it is to make the world a brighter place.*

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How does a wife get her conservative husband to find her clitoris?

Tell him it lives downtown in an underserved area and wears a hood.

The drowning man

A conservative and a liberal are walking along the beach when they see a man drowning a hundred feet off shore.

The conservative throws him a 50-foot rope and shouts to the victim "You provide the other fifty feet." The liberal throws the man a 200-foot rope ... and lets go of both ends.

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Guy goes to the doctor to get a brain transplant...

... Doctor says, "OK, we got two different kinds you can get. The conservative brain is $3.00 dollars a pound, and the liberal brain is $60,000.00 dollars a pound."

Guy asks, "Holy shit, why is the liberal brain so expensive?"

Doc says, "Do you know how many liberals it takes to get a ...

A lot of people are shocked by the recent events in NASCAR.

What is often characterized as a very conservative organization has taken a stance against racism. I'm not surprised at all though. To anyone who's been paying attention, from its very beginnings, NASCAR has always been veering to the left.

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A couple from a conservative town are getting hot and heavy...

...and the guy asks the girl for a blowjob. The girl was lost, but not wanting to seem sexually inexperienced, decides to go for it. She lets him guide her head towards his crotch, at which point he stops, waiting for her. She's thinking hard and fast now, and in a moment of inspiration, begins to f...

When I was pregnant I was with the conservatives

But now I'm in Labour

Why do so many conservatives own game consoles?

Because they hate PC culture.

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I learned today that taxi's are now a hot political topic.

I called for acab and all the conservatives got pissed.

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My very conservative coworker told me about the first time he had sex...

[to view this body of this joke, please upgrade to the Tier II telecom package]

...and I'll never think of jesus the same way again.

A conservative cardiovascular surgeon walked out of the OR today.

"I'm sick and tired of these bleeding heart liberals!" He proclaimed. The patient promptly died.

Why don’t conservatives use conditioner on their hair?

Because the bottle says “Apply liberally”

Why don't conservatives believe in global warming?

Because of all the snowflakes.

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The dean of a conservative college was mad that boys kept entering the girls dorm.... He called a general assembly and said:

"It is unacceptable for anyone to enter the dormitory of the opposite sex! If anyone is caught doing this from now on, it will result in a $100 fine for the first offence. If the same individual is caught a second time, the fine is $500, and for a third offence, the fine is $1000! Does anyone have a...

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Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

When I stayed over at my girlfriend's house, her extremely conservative father wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which was a shame, because he is very attractive.

What did the conservatives say to the abortion rights supporters?

You'll never de-fetus.

I heard the White House Correspondents Association is going to give equal time to a conservative comedian at next year's dinner

I hope a year is long enough to find one.

Why did the dyslexic conservative get destroyed in his primary?

He vowed to vote against Texas no matter what.

What do conservatives hate about mixed ethnicity math classes?

There's too much integration

What dish would you cook to ensnare a member of the UK Conservative Party?

Chicken Cacciatore.

A conservative gets into a car accident with a bus full of socialists.

"Are you guys alright?" asks the conservative.

"No, we're mostly left."

If someone's active on Reddit, does that make them well Red?

... or do they need to be specifically on r/conservative?

Why are conservatives climate change deniers?

Because they want to melt the snowflakes!

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Arguing with a social conservative is like trying to play chess with a pigeon...

No matter how good you are at chess, the pigeon is just going to shit on the board, knock down the pieces and strut around like it's victorious.

My conservative friends keep warning me that China has a PLAN

But I don't see what the People's Liberation Army Navy has to do with anything.

Why are so many conservatives rednecks?

They refuse to apply sunblock liberally.

Liberals are more generous than conservatives

Not only are they generous with their own money, they are also generous with other people's money!

(This is just a joke sorry)

What's the difference between a liberal and a conservative?

One wants to kill in the first trimester and the other wants to kill in the hundred sixtith trimester.

The Comical Conservative

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
<...

What is the difference between a Conservative Jewish wedding, an Orthodox Jewish wedding, and a Reform Jewish wedding?

At a Conservative wedding the bride is pregnant.
At an Orthodox wedding the bride's mother is pregnant.
At a Reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant.

She was a Corbynite Labour activist, and he was a tenth-generation Tory

But in spite of their political differences, they found each other irresistible, and after a whirlwind romance, they arranged the wedding for a romantic day in the run-up to Christmas.

As it turned out, there was a surprise call for a General Election and their mid-week wedding day coincided ...

A man goes hiking

He brings with him a backpack with a water pouch for easy hydration and, as a back-up, a metal straw that had a filter so he could drink from any body of water he wanted.


After a couple of hours he realizes that he is already out of water. Being the conservative drinker he was, he figured...

Progressives are enraged, conservatives are cautiously optimistic, but no group is more excited than the Imagineers of Disney.

For the first time in the history of the Hall of Presidents, they have a shot at making an audioanimatronic more realistic than the original.

Welcome to the conservative party

I asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.

Both her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I...

You know why I hate conservatives?

They all make huge generalizations about liberals

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Teresa May dies...

Her soul arrives in heaven and she is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says May. ...

There was once a conservative redditor

Conservative America really learned something this last election cycle

The word "deplorable"

The Labour party were winning the UK election on Thursday..

until work finished at 5 and everyone voted conservative.

So an atheist man lives in a over conservative Irish neighborhood...

... and calls a cab. The heavily accented cab driver says to him, "Before you get in, I gotta know your religion."

So he replied, "Oh, no, I'm an atheist, actually."

The cab driver stared at him a moment before asking, "Yeah, but is it the Catholic God you don't believe in or the Prot...

Conservatives want to repeal Obamacare

and replace it with a single prayer healthcare plan

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When discussing political party views in government today, my teacher asked "How would a conservative view pornography?"

I muttered "in high definition" and now apparently *I'm wrong*

So a conservative was browsing r/news

Haha that's a good one.

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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

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