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My conservative grandmother used to be a big Trump supporter, but this year her mail-in ballot was cast for Joe Biden.

No way would she have done that if she were still alive.

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American conservatives are pretty homophobic

for people so proud of their four fathers

I heard the Republican Party is considering renaming itself as the National Conservative party

Or Nat-C for short

what's the fastest way to get banned from r/conservative?

source?

Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?

California had first choice!

**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **

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Why are male conservatives against mandates?

That would be so gay.



*No need to rough me up, I'll let myself out.*

Conservatives can't tell jokes

But they sure can elect them

A Man Notices his Co-Worker Wearing an Earring One Day

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
<...

How conservative will Amy Coney Barrett's decisions be as a Supreme Court Justice?

I don't know, ask her husband.

A very Christian and conservative dad is mad at his son, Marcus, for having long hair.

Every day, when he comes home from work and sees Marcus, he gets dissapointed and mad because in his mind, men shouldn't have long hair.

One night, when he comes home, he gives his usual dissapointed look to his son and walks into the kitchen to eat whatever his wife had made.

A few ...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

What are the two things conservatives hate?

The way things are, and change.

What do you call a chicken in a dinghy full of tomato sauce, using carrots for oars, chasing a British Conservative fleeing Brexit?

Chicken Cacciatore

Six Supreme Court justices, floating face-down in a river

All 6 conservative members of the SCOTUS got stranded in the woods with only a giant suitcase and a couple of paddles. Then they came to a raging river- it was fast-moving, wide and rocky but only waist deep. They began to bicker over how to get across. Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch said "We are st...

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My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

How many American conservatives do you need to screw in a lightbulb?

Ten.

One holds the bulb, the other nine wait for Fox News to spin it.

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Is Virginia a conservative state?

Generally

How do you get a conservative to admit that Trump is a criminal?

Describe one of his crimes, but get one detail wrong, then wait for them to correct you.

r/conservative is furious that their voices are being censored and that people are picking and choosing who can be heard

"This thread is for conservatives only"

On the first day God created the heavens, the earth and the Conservative

Conservative looked around and said "eh, I liked it better yesterday!"

According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans

But that’s just a Conservative estimate

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Mr. and Mrs. Johnson wanted to join a very conservative church.

"When was the last time you had sex?" asked the minister.

"Just this morning," said Mr. Johnson.

"At our church," said the minister, "we do not tolerate it when people have sex more than once every three months. Today is May 1st. Please come back by August 1st. If you have not had sex...

My conservative family keeps telling me, “Try to be more like Jesus!”

So I converted to Judaism.

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I was born in a very conservative family

so I am very much opposed to the idea of sex before marriage. This is why I always wait for women to get married before I sleep with them.

My conservative brother is considering buying free weights…

To own the lbs.

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...

I saw a homeless man the other day and I had some money on me. I wanted to be conservative with it

So I told him to get a job

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A very conservative husband on his wedding night....

finds that his wife was a Virgin exclaims: "I want to kiss the one who took care of you and protected your Virginity."

She gives a naughty smile and says:

"Kiss My Ass."

Twitter have just created a keyboard shortcut that mutes all Neo-Conservative posts.

Ctrl + Alt + Right

Why are conservatives known as rednecks?

They don’t use sunscreen because the bottle says to apply liberally.

I read that conservatives want to ban CRT.

I'm not happy with that. I can't afford a new television right now.

What's something you can say to your pet and your conservative relatives?

Awe, that's a big stretch.

My Grandparents are old school conservative

My wife and I went to stay with them so they demanded I share a bad with my grandfather and my wife would share a bed when my grandmother.

In the middle of the night my grandad shakes me awake and I ask "what's wrong?"

He says to me "I'm going down to service your grandmother and I'll ...

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What do you call a conservative prostitute that gets banned from twitter?

A Parler trick

A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar...

the bartender says 'hey, Mitt.'

What did the conservatives say to the abortion rights supporters?

You'll never de-fetus.

"Conservatives hate this one simple trick...!!!"

*Count every vote.*

Arguing with my ultra conservative father always went the same way - Me: I thought ...

Him: That was your first problem.

Fiscal conservatives hate spending on infrastructure maintenance and repair.

Bunch of crack addicts!

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My very conservative coworker told me about the first time he had sex...

[to view this body of this joke, please upgrade to the Tier II telecom package]

...and I'll never think of jesus the same way again.

How does a conservative wizard summon a chair?

"Bench-appearo!"

What does it take to turn a conservative into a socialist?

$1200.

Why aren’t more conservatives protesting the sales of pre-shredded cheese?

I thought we were trying to make America grate again.

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Arguing with a social conservative is like trying to play chess with a pigeon...

No matter how good you are at chess, the pigeon is just going to shit on the board, knock down the pieces and strut around like it's victorious.

Which x-men member is hated by conservatives?

Caitlyn Jenner

The Canadian Conservative Party Leadership Convention is taking so long...

Justin Trudeau managed to create another scandal.

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A couple from a conservative town are getting hot and heavy...

...and the guy asks the girl for a blowjob. The girl was lost, but not wanting to seem sexually inexperienced, decides to go for it. She lets him guide her head towards his crotch, at which point he stops, waiting for her. She's thinking hard and fast now, and in a moment of inspiration, begins to f...

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How does a wife get her conservative husband to find her clitoris?

Tell him it lives downtown in an underserved area and wears a hood.

A conservative cardiovascular surgeon walked out of the OR today.

"I'm sick and tired of these bleeding heart liberals!" He proclaimed. The patient promptly died.

I heard the White House Correspondents Association is going to give equal time to a conservative comedian at next year's dinner

I hope a year is long enough to find one.

What do conservatives call medical marijuana?

Medi-sin

Who could've expected conservative party member Boris Johnson....

would end up getting a Prince Albert?

When I stayed over at my girlfriend's house, her extremely conservative father wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which was a shame, because he is very attractive.

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What do you call a homosexual supreme ruler with neither conservative nor liberal views?

Mod Czar Gay

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In medieval times in Rome, the Pope, influenced by some conservative advisers, decided to expel all Jews from the city

The Pope, not wanting to seem as forcing his decision on the Jews, allowed a debate to be held so the Jews could defend their citizenship.

That night, the Jewish Rabbis gathered in the synagogue to decide who will debate against the Pope. However none of the Rabbis wanted to debate against hi...

The Comical Conservative

President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me?"

Cashier:
"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
<...

Why do so many conservatives own game consoles?

Because they hate PC culture.

My girl asked me how i can, like, be a conservative...

I told her I like to be right

How many conservatives does it take to change a lightbulb?

None.





*They're afraid of change - even if it is to make the world a brighter place.*

What do you call a Conservative MP who can actually calm things down?

An anti-inflamaTory.

Why do conservative data analysts hate vertically joining datasets?

Because they're anti-union

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I used to have a picture of Ronald Regan in my bathroom.

To mt conservative friends I would say "That man got shit done, and you can too". To my liberal friends I would say "Isn't this the room where you'd put a piece of shit". But the reality it's just where I stored all of my mad cash. Nobody's going to touch a picture that's hanging in a bathroom.

Why are conservatives climate change deniers?

Because they want to melt the snowflakes!

How was CPAC 2020, my fellow Conservatives?

Was it... sick?

Why did the dyslexic conservative get destroyed in his primary?

He vowed to vote against Texas no matter what.

A conservative gets into a car accident with a bus full of socialists.

"Are you guys alright?" asks the conservative.

"No, we're mostly left."

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The dean of a conservative college was mad that boys kept entering the girls dorm.... He called a general assembly and said:

"It is unacceptable for anyone to enter the dormitory of the opposite sex! If anyone is caught doing this from now on, it will result in a $100 fine for the first offence. If the same individual is caught a second time, the fine is $500, and for a third offence, the fine is $1000! Does anyone have a...

What do conservatives hate about mixed ethnicity math classes?

There's too much integration

What dish would you cook to ensnare a member of the UK Conservative Party?

Chicken Cacciatore.

When I was pregnant I was with the conservatives

But now I'm in Labour

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Black man kills conservative politician!

The final Fox News spin on Osama's death.

How do you spot a conservative at a dinner party?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.

Welcome to the conservative party

I asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.

Both her parents, Labour supporters, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I...

I'm just a conservative millennial

I like to party Alt-Night.

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A conservative husband and wife are having trouble in the bedroom.

They decide to go to a doctor about it, the wife explains she is too embarrassed to talk about sex. The doctor suggests they use a euphemism to get over her problem. She agrees to try it and settles on "washing machine".

This works wonders until one night her husband comes home from the pub h...

What is the difference between a Conservative Jewish wedding, an Orthodox Jewish wedding, and a Reform Jewish wedding?

At a Conservative wedding the bride is pregnant.
At an Orthodox wedding the bride's mother is pregnant.
At a Reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant.

So an atheist man lives in a over conservative Irish neighborhood...

... and calls a cab. The heavily accented cab driver says to him, "Before you get in, I gotta know your religion."

So he replied, "Oh, no, I'm an atheist, actually."

The cab driver stared at him a moment before asking, "Yeah, but is it the Catholic God you don't believe in or the Prot...

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