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Statement Jokes

The UK just passed a law so that corporations have to post earnings statements in public spaces to be accessible, like in parks, metro stations, high-density residential areas...

And the words of the profits are written on the subway walls and tenement halls.

They finally did it, Reddit has made impossible for blind people to moderate their sub with the api changes. This is their last statement from r/blind

"H dhei osndhsjbw siso is koqp odjd jsoa JD djs sis ikksbs"

(I am sorry for this horrible joke and I really hope things may work out for you)

I heard that science has discovered a way to reverse the behavior of Pinocchio’s nose, such that genuine statements make it grow.

Huge if true.
AI Image Generator

Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."

Tiger Woods issues statement to Reddit regarding tasteless comments about his emergency knee surgery in r/Jokes.

"I won't stand for this"

You can't make statements in Canada.

But you can make provincements.

This is an important statement about erectile dysfunction and male virility.

What, you thought it would be a joke? The punchline isn't coming.

The statement "You are what you eat" isn't really true.

If you eat a vegetarian, you probably aren't a vegetarian.

Everyone says “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” is a incorrect statement

But I’m starting to think people just aren’t as good at throwing as I am.

A horse walks into a bar...

and orders a beer.

As the bartender serves him, he looks at the horse and says "hey, why the long face, pal? Are you depressed?"

The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" - and promptly disappears.

See, this is a joke about Rene Descartes'...

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, “What’s wrong with you, honey? Haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

The old Jewish driver answered, “Let me ...

I always thought "Don't mess with Texas" was a statement.

Turns out it's just a plea.

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A teacher walks up to the blackboard and writes DEFINITELY

She turns to the class and says, "Today we'll be looking at the word 'definitely'. Definitely is when something is assured and there is no chance of doubt. Now, I want some volunteers to use definitely in a statement."

Little Suzy raises her hand and says, "I am definitely going to the park a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jebediah the shepherd wanted to make a statement about bullying and stood up at the town meeting.

"Friends, there is a cruel and unfair practice that is infiltrating our community. You may not have noticed, but it is here and it is doing grave damage to my sense of well being and comfort in our beautiful village.

Perhaps Englebert has noticed? The man who bakes our bread every day, who f...

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An American, a Chinese and a Dane is bragging

The American starts: “We have the biggest Air force in the world. When all our planes takes off, there’s so many planes that not even a single sunbeam reaches the ground.”

The Chinese replies: “Well, but China has SO many ships! If all of our fleet sets sails at once, the ships would fill so ...

My friends tell me that I make a lot of tautological statements.

Whatever. It is what it is.

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

Tech company mission statements be like

We're a customer centric organization and we deliver the value of IOT, cloud, big data, blockchain, machine learning, and artificial intelligence by using design thinking to drive digital transformation for the connected enterprise.

Employee on NSFW Sites...

Boss: What have you been working on the last few hours?


Employee: A graphic display of convergent asynchronous load distribution.


Boss: The tracker flagged you on bukkake sites.


Employee: I stand by my previous statement.

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What's the difference between a fashion statement and being horny in WWI?

One's a French Tuck and the other's a...

Subway to release a statement next week

In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.

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I'm terrified of objective statements.

Wait, fuck

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The smallest penis

*John: insert name of person you tell the joke to.

So three guys sits at a bar.

First one goes - “I have the smallest feet in the world!” The other guys take a look at his feet and acknowledges his statement - “sure your feet must be the smallest in the world!”

Second guy then...

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

Kim Jong Un released a statement today

I don’t know what it said it must’ve been Morse code, all it said was *beep* *beep* *beep* *beeeeeep*

I forgot how to write concise statements

It's a real pithy

Today I saw a man use a knot that had the statement "Love both men and women"

I didn't think I would witness an actual suicide bi-words

I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....

It's my quilty pleasure.

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So a man was sued for libel and slander...

The judge asked, "What's the defendant accused of saying?"

The plaintiff's attorney replied, "He called my client an, and I quote, 'incompetent motherfucker', your honor."

The judge nodded, "And what does the defense plea?"

The defendant's attorney rose, "Not guilty as charged, ...

BREAKING: The President's recent suicide attempt failed last night when the rope broke. His statement:

"Fake noose."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump's statement regarding China

Trump: "In little over a week when I take office, China will fall into a slump. Factories will shut down, shops will close, stock markets will not trade, and government will grind to a halt.The wealthy will flee overseas with their families, citizens desperately trade their currency for food, doors ...

"I'm going undercover" is such a blanket statement.

Besides, you should be keeping that under wraps...

(This is not a joke) I'm a linguistic researcher that is working on the semiotic of jokes and need help to find exemples of a particular type of joke.

Hi, I hope this is not against the rules but I need help for a research paper centered around jokes, and this obviously looks like a good place for that.

I am working on linguistic structuralism to try to find the linguistic value of surprise in a joke. (I'm simplifying a lot, but i can expla...

Let's see if anyone knows this statement.

What has 4 letters, never has 5 letters, always has 6 letters, sometimes has 9 letters.

A SQL statement walks into a bar...

he confidently walks up to a couple of tables and says, "May I join you?".

Always remember the Blanket Statement

Smallpox

My bank statement just arrived.

Unfortunately the statement was

# “You’re Broke”

Did you hear about the clever statement President Trump made?

Neither did anyone else.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Breaking News: Louis C.K. makes first published statement regarding the recent alligations of sexual misconduct.

"I'm Gay."

I hate when people start their statement with “well for starters”

and then never talk about the main course or the dessert.

I hate it when people misappropriate common words to add dramatic emphasis to their statements.

It literally makes me physically ill.

Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?

They're both baseless and corrosive.

Marshall Mathers wants to make a statement but he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s saying it so

He requests eminemity.

Profit & Loss Statement

Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"

Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...

An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?

Because it said ‘new balance’ on it.

The White House just released a statement that...

Trump is only pardoning the white meat of the turkey this year.

What do you call the statement that the *Bismarck* never sunk a British Ship?

A "False-Hood"

Asked to give a statement after a cigarette sparked a fire that burned down a sweatshop where their products were being made, Old Navy replied:

"It's a travesty. It's a truly, horrific travesty. Nobody should be allowed to sell cigarettes to children that age!"

I shouldn’t make blanket statements about autistic people but…

a lot of them do enjoy being wrapped in blankets.

I don't want to make a blanket statement...

But my sheets are dirty.

Ryan Lochte's first draft of his apology statement...

"Hi guys, my bad. Apologies to the people of Argentina. Jeah!"

In my credit card statement there was an extra 666$ charge written in tiny fonts ...

As usual, the devil is in the details ...

Cops have released a statement on the discovery of "Glory Hole" in the bathrooms of a hugely prestigious college sorority house.

Police are looking into it.

And are preparing a probing investigation.

I called my credit card company when I got my bill and said, "I can't pay this." "Well, let's see if I can help you, sir. What was your last statement?"

...



"I



CAN'T



PAY



THIS."

I'm getting tired of politicians using blanket statements

It's putting me to sleep

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] Totally legit, but you can use a joke if you want to.

**Scene:** I was living in an apartment complex where all the bedroom windows faced into a small courtyard of sorts, walled on three sides with 3 stories of bedroom windows. None of the apartments in this complex have air-conditioning. It's close to midnight, December in Sydney AUS, it's a hot humid...

The press should have given Sean Spicer a 5th attempt at clarifying his statement.

Who knows, maybe he finally figured out the final solution.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Defiant statement from Bill O'Reilly:

"I didn't say I felt remorse when I tried to have sex with my subordinates, I said that when I shower with one of them I falafel."

Monica Lewinsky's statement on Hillary's run for President

Monica Lewinsky released the following statment on Hillary Clinton's run for President..
"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton . The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to the 2016 election year, citizens must remember that they cannot even trust Hillary Clinton ...

You know what they say about blanket statements?

They're all false.

There are many contradictory statements like...

Pacifist mass murder, Clinton keeping emails, and Apple is innovative.

Two sisters

There were once two sisters, one called Petal and one called Fridge. One day, Petal asks her parents, "Why did you call me Petal?" and they replied "Because just after you were born, a petal fell on you."

"Bllaaarrarararraraaarg", says Fridge from the corner.





Edit: neat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Isis released a statement saying, "Fuck Tom Brady!"

Turns out they heard that he is the G.O.A.T.

I made a bold statement by not buying two night-stands for my bedroom.

I'm a one night stand kind of man.

What does the Trump administration use instead of emails?

Alternative fax.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was looking at my bank statement and realized I was a .1 percent-er

I don't know why anyone wants to be one, it's a crappy interest rate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Masturbating Mime

Police in Paris have finally caught the elusive mime known for masturbating in public and harassing tourists.
In a statement, Police Chief claims "he came quietly"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good luck, Mr. Gorsky

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the usual COM traffic between him, the other astronauts, and Mission Control. Before he re-...

Google pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google pizza.
- Ah okay, wrong number
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's
- Okay. Then can I order please...
- Do you want the usual?
- The usual? You know my usual?
- According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese...

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