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I hate blanket statements.

They're all bullshit!

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?

Because it said ‘new balance’ on it.

I hate when people start their statement with “well for starters”

and then never talk about the main course or the dessert.

I hate it when people misappropriate common words to add dramatic emphasis to their statements.

It literally makes me physically ill.

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A hot blonde doctor made a statement about premature ejaculation on TV.

I came to the conclusion

My bank statement just arrived.

Unfortunately the statement was

# “You’re Broke”

The statement "You are what you eat" isn't really true.

If you eat a vegetarian, you probably aren't a vegetarian.

I shouldn’t make blanket statements about autistic people but…

a lot of them do enjoy being wrapped in blankets.

Marshall Mathers wants to make a statement but he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s saying it so

He requests eminemity.

Let's see if anyone knows this statement.

What has 4 letters, never has 5 letters, always has 6 letters, sometimes has 9 letters.

Asked to give a statement after a cigarette sparked a fire that burned down a sweatshop where their products were being made, Old Navy replied:

"It's a travesty. It's a truly, horrific travesty. Nobody should be allowed to sell cigarettes to children that age!"

I want to say comforters are superior to quilts

But I don’t like to make blanket statements.

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Breaking News: Louis C.K. makes first published statement regarding the recent alligations of sexual misconduct.

"I'm Gay."

What’s the necrophiliacs’ mission statement?

We put the D in dead.

Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."

The White House just released a statement that...

Trump is only pardoning the white meat of the turkey this year.

Profit & Loss Statement

Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"

Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...

An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables.

It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”

Trump's statement regarding China

Trump: "In little over a week when I take office, China will fall into a slump. Factories will shut down, shops will close, stock markets will not trade, and government will grind to a halt.The wealthy will flee overseas with their families, citizens desperately trade their currency for food, doors ...

Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?

They're both baseless and corrosive.

In my credit card statement there was an extra 666$ charge written in tiny fonts ...

As usual, the devil is in the details ...

Subway to release a statement next week

In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.

I called my credit card company when I got my bill and said, "I can't pay this." "Well, let's see if I can help you, sir. What was your last statement?"

...



"I



CAN'T



PAY



THIS."

I'm getting tired of politicians using blanket statements

It's putting me to sleep

Donald Trump Jr. Just released a second statement on his email correspondence

[removed]

Cops have released a statement on the discovery of "Glory Hole" in the bathrooms of a hugely prestigious college sorority house.

Police are looking into it.

And are preparing a probing investigation.

Ryan Lochte's first draft of his apology statement...

"Hi guys, my bad. Apologies to the people of Argentina. Jeah!"

Everybody's trying to make clever statements on Twitter.

In the end they always turn out as 'Stupid autocovfefe!'

The press should have given Sean Spicer a 5th attempt at clarifying his statement.

Who knows, maybe he finally figured out the final solution.

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Defiant statement from Bill O'Reilly:

"I didn't say I felt remorse when I tried to have sex with my subordinates, I said that when I shower with one of them I falafel."

There are many contradictory statements like...

Pacifist mass murder, Clinton keeping emails, and Apple is innovative.

A Taxi driver walked into a bar

"Anyone here call a taxi?" He asked

"Over there" replied a stern voice.

The Taxi driver turned his head to see a gruff old man pointing to a young fellow in his thirties snoozing at a table.

The taxi driver walked over to the young man and saw a note next to his head.

...

Monica Lewinsky's statement on Hillary's run for President

Monica Lewinsky released the following statment on Hillary Clinton's run for President..
"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton . The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to the 2016 election year, citizens must remember that they cannot even trust Hillary Clinton ...

I’ve never used a broom in my whole life.

I realise this is a sweeping statement

I made a bold statement by not buying two night-stands for my bedroom.

I'm a one night stand kind of man.

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A friend told me this, and he might have got it from reddit so this might be a repost but here it goes [Long]

3 best friends decide to travel to an lonely little island somewhere near the Bahamas in the hopes of having a relaxing camping trip, for old time’s sake.

They arrive by water plane, and the pilot informs them that he’ll be returning to pick them up the next day. The men, happy to finally be ...

I'm cursed to end every statement I make with Bruno Mars lyrics

Don't believe me? Just watch.

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I was looking at my bank statement and realized I was a .1 percent-er

I don't know why anyone wants to be one, it's a crappy interest rate.

Lipstick

Apparently Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement she said "The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis!"

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