Always remember the Blanket Statement

Smallpox

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

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A hot blonde doctor made a statement about premature ejaculation on TV.

I came to the conclusion

I hate when people start their statement with “well for starters”

and then never talk about the main course or the dessert.

I hate it when people misappropriate common words to add dramatic emphasis to their statements.

It literally makes me physically ill.

Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?

Because it said ‘new balance’ on it.

My bank statement just arrived.

Unfortunately the statement was

# “You’re Broke”

What do you call the statement that the *Bismarck* never sunk a British Ship?

A "False-Hood"

Marshall Mathers wants to make a statement but he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s saying it so

He requests eminemity.

Asked to give a statement after a cigarette sparked a fire that burned down a sweatshop where their products were being made, Old Navy replied:

"It's a travesty. It's a truly, horrific travesty. Nobody should be allowed to sell cigarettes to children that age!"

I shouldn’t make blanket statements about autistic people but…

a lot of them do enjoy being wrapped in blankets.

Let's see if anyone knows this statement.

What has 4 letters, never has 5 letters, always has 6 letters, sometimes has 9 letters.

What’s the necrophiliacs’ mission statement?

We put the D in dead.

I want to say comforters are superior to quilts

But I don’t like to make blanket statements.

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Breaking News: Louis C.K. makes first published statement regarding the recent alligations of sexual misconduct.

"I'm Gay."

The statement "You are what you eat" isn't really true.

If you eat a vegetarian, you probably aren't a vegetarian.

The White House just released a statement that...

Trump is only pardoning the white meat of the turkey this year.

An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables.

It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”

Profit & Loss Statement

Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"

Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...

Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."

Trump's statement regarding China

Trump: "In little over a week when I take office, China will fall into a slump. Factories will shut down, shops will close, stock markets will not trade, and government will grind to a halt.The wealthy will flee overseas with their families, citizens desperately trade their currency for food, doors ...

In my credit card statement there was an extra 666$ charge written in tiny fonts ...

As usual, the devil is in the details ...

Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?

They're both baseless and corrosive.

I called my credit card company when I got my bill and said, "I can't pay this." "Well, let's see if I can help you, sir. What was your last statement?"

...



"I



CAN'T



PAY



THIS."

Cops have released a statement on the discovery of "Glory Hole" in the bathrooms of a hugely prestigious college sorority house.

Police are looking into it.

And are preparing a probing investigation.

Subway to release a statement next week

In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.

Donald Trump Jr. Just released a second statement on his email correspondence

[removed]

Everybody's trying to make clever statements on Twitter.

In the end they always turn out as 'Stupid autocovfefe!'

I'm getting tired of politicians using blanket statements

It's putting me to sleep

Ryan Lochte's first draft of his apology statement...

"Hi guys, my bad. Apologies to the people of Argentina. Jeah!"

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Defiant statement from Bill O'Reilly:

"I didn't say I felt remorse when I tried to have sex with my subordinates, I said that when I shower with one of them I falafel."

The press should have given Sean Spicer a 5th attempt at clarifying his statement.

Who knows, maybe he finally figured out the final solution.

There are many contradictory statements like...

Pacifist mass murder, Clinton keeping emails, and Apple is innovative.

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There was a band conductor who also right songs in North Korea

Sorry for the typo in the title but..

His name was Pok. He was quite famous in the industry so one day, Kim Jong Un approached him.

“Pok, write me an orchestra piece and play it for me with your group”, said Kim. Pok did, after a month, the private show was held.

Sadly, it was s...

Monica Lewinsky's statement on Hillary's run for President

Monica Lewinsky released the following statment on Hillary Clinton's run for President..
"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton . The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to the 2016 election year, citizens must remember that they cannot even trust Hillary Clinton ...

I made a bold statement by not buying two night-stands for my bedroom.

I'm a one night stand kind of man.

A man is at the gates to hell...

In front of him are 2 gigantic doors. One is made of twisted red oak, and the other of smooth polished iron.


Sitting between the doors are 2 huge red identical looking demons. One is seated on an enormous ornately carved ivory chair. The other on an identically carved but shining black e...

I'm cursed to end every statement I make with Bruno Mars lyrics

Don't believe me? Just watch.

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I was looking at my bank statement and realized I was a .1 percent-er

I don't know why anyone wants to be one, it's a crappy interest rate.

I said that all pillows are uncomfortable and my friend slapped me.

He said that’s a very blanket statement to make.

I recently hired two interns from China to help with my business

Hua Ta Yu and Biyuchica Mi. Because it was easier, they both asked me to call them by their last names.

I needed to sign up for a new online service and asked Yu to do so. I gave her my credit card and off she went. After an hour I went to see if she had completed the task and she was gone! W...

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Isis released a statement saying, "Fuck Tom Brady!"

Turns out they heard that he is the G.O.A.T.

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Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

The president was getting his daily briefing about world affairs...

The president was getting his daily briefing about world affairs. His advisor concluded it with, "and yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an attack."

"That's terrible!" responded the president. "We need to act now. I need to talk directly with the people. Set up a time for it, a...

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