BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

A balding white haired man walks into a jewelry store with a beautiful much younger gal at his side...

He
told hte jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought
anoth...

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I'm terrified of objective statements.

Wait, fuck

A man walks into an Indian restaurant.

The waiter asks, “have you ever ordered here before?”

The man replies, “No, I haven’t.”

The waiter continues, “We’re a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form,” and he hands a piece of paper to the man.

The man squints at the paper and reads t...

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

Today I saw a man use a knot that had the statement "Love both men and women"

I didn't think I would witness an actual suicide bi-words

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An old jew visits the pope

The pope was sitting in his office one day when his secretary came running in.

“Your Holiness, there’s an old jew who’s been sitting outside your door every day for the last few weeks. He said he wants an audience.”

The pope was surprised by this statement, but seeing as the jew had w...

BREAKING: The President's recent suicide attempt failed last night when the rope broke. His statement:

"Fake noose."

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A guy was born with three testicles..

and had the habit of always make the following statement to any other man he encountered: *"You know that if we sum your balls and my balls, the total would be five?"* Almost everyone was kind of intimidated by this. One day he was riding an elevator and a small, skinny guy entered it. Feeling the u...

Kim Jong Un released a statement today

I don’t know what it said it must’ve been Morse code, all it said was *beep* *beep* *beep* *beeeeeep*

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....

It's my quilty pleasure.

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

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What's the difference between a fashion statement and being horny in WWI?

One's a French Tuck and the other's a...

A knitted afghan can be a good accent piece that can also keep you warm...

That's just a blanket statement.

"I'm going undercover" is such a blanket statement.

Besides, you should be keeping that under wraps...

Jerry Falwell Jr has resigned his post as president from the school that his father founded

When reporters were seeking a statement, he was not at Liberty to respond

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I hate blanket statements.

They're all bullshit!

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I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup ...

And shit out a statement smarter than the one you just made.

Did you hear about the clever statement President Trump made?

Neither did anyone else.

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Since we're doing favourites, here's mine:

Three men are walking along a beach when they come across a lamp buried in the sand. They pull it out and dust it off and out pops a genie.

"For giving me my freedom, I shall grant each of you three wishes," he declares.

The first guy says, "I wish for a billion dollars!" Poof, his b...

Local Egyptian joke that I hope will translate well enough here (Long)

A police office at the station is taking the statements of two people involved in a car accident. He asks the driver first to relay what happened. The driver angrily says “I was driving along down this narrow one-way street when this guy suddenly appears in front of me. I turn on the high beams to w...

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

The Genie and the Presidents

George Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump found a magical lamp, and a Genie came out.

"I will grant each of you one wish," said the Genie, "If you can tell me one true fact about yourself. If your statement is false, then you will die."

George Bush thought for a moment, and said, "I...

The statement "You are what you eat" isn't really true.

If you eat a vegetarian, you probably aren't a vegetarian.

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

Best things to say if you're caught sleeping on your desk...

“They told me at the blood bank this
might happen.”


“This is just a 15 minute power-nap as
described in that time management course you sent me.”


“Whew! Guess I left the top off
the White-Out You probably got here just in time!”


“I wasn’t sleepin...

What movie did you go see?

My parents had great fun teasing each other and yanking each other's chains.

They were visiting me (38m at the time) and my wife+kids, and my Dad & I went out to see a movie. We found Jurassic Park I (in 3D), and went to see that. It was an enjoyable experience.

When we were on o...

Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?

Because it said ‘new balance’ on it.

Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."

Did you know? (Not safe for work)

Did you know that:

1. 80% of Reddit users are more likely to click on an NSFW post than on a regular one?
2. the statistic above is not a fact and has been made up
3. the statements above are false
4. the 3 statements above are inconsistent with each other (i.e. cannot all hold...

I hate it when people misappropriate common words to add dramatic emphasis to their statements.

It literally makes me physically ill.

I hate when people start their statement with “well for starters”

and then never talk about the main course or the dessert.

Werner Heisenberg witnessed a car accident.

The police came and asked Heisenberg if he would like to give a statement about the accident.

Heisenberg agreed.

The cop asks Heisenberg:

"Can you tell me the speed and the position of the car in the moment of the accident?"

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A hot blonde doctor made a statement about premature ejaculation on TV.

I came to the conclusion

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An airline pilot, who didn't realize his microphone was live, said to the co-pilot:

"Man I could sure use a hot cup of coffee and a blow job from that red-headed flight attendant!"

That statement was heard throughout the plane and the furious red-headed flight attendant unbuckled her seat-belt and stormed off toward the cockpit.

Seeing this, a passenger shouts, "Miss!...

An old man was tired of reading about local muggings of seniors in his neighbourhood. (Long)

Determined to not sit back and see the crime wave continue any longer, he decided to take action.

The old fellow learned that according to victim statements and witnesses, the perpetrator was a fairly large woman who walked up to frail seniors and demanded money under threat.

Knowing...

My bank statement just arrived.

Unfortunately the statement was

# “You’re Broke”

I shouldn’t make blanket statements about autistic people but…

a lot of them do enjoy being wrapped in blankets.

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

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Breaking News: Louis C.K. makes first published statement regarding the recent alligations of sexual misconduct.

"I'm Gay."

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Trump's statement regarding China

Trump: "In little over a week when I take office, China will fall into a slump. Factories will shut down, shops will close, stock markets will not trade, and government will grind to a halt.The wealthy will flee overseas with their families, citizens desperately trade their currency for food, doors ...

What do you call the statement that the *Bismarck* never sunk a British Ship?

A "False-Hood"

Marshall Mathers wants to make a statement but he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s saying it so

He requests eminemity.

Asked to give a statement after a cigarette sparked a fire that burned down a sweatshop where their products were being made, Old Navy replied:

"It's a travesty. It's a truly, horrific travesty. Nobody should be allowed to sell cigarettes to children that age!"

Subway to release a statement next week

In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.

When you have a 'I Hate My Job' day,try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer
section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand..

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove t...

IRS summons [NSFW]

A businessman comes home, turns to the wife and says:

Honey, I received a subpoena from the IRS regarding the late submission statement!

Do you think I should go in jeans or in business suit?

Well, dear... I tell you the same thing my mother said to me when I asked her if on the...

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"

Nine out of ten police officers disagree with this statement.

Profit & Loss Statement

Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"

Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...

The White House just released a statement that...

Trump is only pardoning the white meat of the turkey this year.

Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?

They're both baseless and corrosive.

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables.

It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”

New decade, new jokes on this sub

See the statement above for the biggest joke on this sub

In my credit card statement there was an extra 666$ charge written in tiny fonts ...

As usual, the devil is in the details ...

Told my dad I don’t like women, he said

Now son, that’s a broad statement

Kenny Rogers has died at the age of 81

In a statement to confused reporters, Kenny Loggins was quoted as saying “I’m alright, Don’t nobody worry bout me”

(It’s a Caddyshack joke)

I'm getting tired of politicians using blanket statements

It's putting me to sleep

Ryan Lochte's first draft of his apology statement...

"Hi guys, my bad. Apologies to the people of Argentina. Jeah!"

A middle aged man was walking home one friday .

Instead of taking his company bus he decided to walk up the mountain road ,see the beautiful sunset and take a train on the other side. His time calculation went wrong and it became dark ,he was still on the inclined mountain road .While walking hurriedly he noticed shadow of a man standing near a d...

I called my credit card company when I got my bill and said, "I can't pay this." "Well, let's see if I can help you, sir. What was your last statement?"

...



"I



CAN'T



PAY



THIS."

Cops have released a statement on the discovery of "Glory Hole" in the bathrooms of a hugely prestigious college sorority house.

Police are looking into it.

And are preparing a probing investigation.

Eminem is the first celebrity to get the Wuhan Virus.

A statement from his manager says that Eminem admitted himself to the emergency department because his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Doctors say he presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was moms spaghetti. Mathers said that he was "nervous"...

Donald Trump Jr. Just released a second statement on his email correspondence

[removed]

Everybody's trying to make clever statements on Twitter.

In the end they always turn out as 'Stupid autocovfefe!'

The press should have given Sean Spicer a 5th attempt at clarifying his statement.

Who knows, maybe he finally figured out the final solution.

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Defiant statement from Bill O'Reilly:

"I didn't say I felt remorse when I tried to have sex with my subordinates, I said that when I shower with one of them I falafel."

Monica Lewinsky's statement on Hillary's run for President

Monica Lewinsky released the following statment on Hillary Clinton's run for President..
"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton . The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to the 2016 election year, citizens must remember that they cannot even trust Hillary Clinton ...

There are many contradictory statements like...

Pacifist mass murder, Clinton keeping emails, and Apple is innovative.

I made a bold statement by not buying two night-stands for my bedroom.

I'm a one night stand kind of man.

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer ...

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I was looking at my bank statement and realized I was a .1 percent-er

I don't know why anyone wants to be one, it's a crappy interest rate.

So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick...

She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.

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A man, shopping in the produce aisle, is approached by a friendly woman.

“Good morning, I believe you’re the father of one of my kids” the woman says to him in a brief and polite manner.

The man is instantly overwhelmed by angst and uncertainty once he registers this statement.

“Are you... by any chance the stripper I made love to on the pool table at my ba...

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A therapist is giving a statement after her client committed suicide.

"I only saw him once," she told the investigator.

"What did he talk about?"

"He said he felt lost in a crowd, totally unoriginal - just another putz. That everything he says and does is ordinary."

"What did you say to him?"

The therapist winced. "Umm, well...I kind of m...

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Isis released a statement saying, "Fuck Tom Brady!"

Turns out they heard that he is the G.O.A.T.

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