An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at o...

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What's the difference between a fashion statement and being horny in WWI?

One's a French Tuck and the other's a...

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Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.

The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."

6 hours after a major bank robbery took place this morning, the bank have finally released their statement.

Withdrawn: £7 000 000.00

Balance: £0.00

So a Movie Theatre was robbed

It was discovered that 5 bags of skittles, 10 snickers and 1 bag of Maltesers were stolen. The Theatre representative made a statement that they have lost over 4,500$ in stock was stolen.

A man and his son run a carpentry business out in the countryside…

They do small jobs here and there, mostly on farms and ranches, fixing up barns and building pens for farm animals. The father eventually wants his son to take over the business and has tried to teach him the ins and outs of woodworking, along with other important lessons he thinks that every carpen...

A toad comes in for a loan...

Paddy Wack worked at a bank. Once on a busy winter morning, a toad came into the bank asking for some money.

The toad asked for a small loan, about $200. Paddy Wack asked him if he had ever taken out a loan before, and he said no.

Paddy wack said; “Mr. Toad, you have no evidence that...

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An 80 year old man arrives at his doctors appointment

He sits down and the doctor proceeds to do his normal routine.

*Doctor:* So how are things going lately?

*Man:* Pretty good. I got married to a 20 year old last week.

The doctor is taken a little bit back by that statement, but continues being professional.

*Doctor:* That...

Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?

Because it said ‘new balance’ on it.

My friend said nobody likes using space heaters.

I thought, that's such a blanket statement.

I hate when people start their statement with “well for starters”

and then never talk about the main course or the dessert.

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy. Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home. Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders.

He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines. After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer ...

So apparently Julie Andrews (best known for playing Mary Poppins) will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick...

She claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement, she said, “The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.

I hate it when people misappropriate common words to add dramatic emphasis to their statements.

It literally makes me physically ill.

My bank statement just arrived.

Unfortunately the statement was

# “You’re Broke”

I like having layers on my bed.

That’s just a blanket statement.

A Taxi driver walked into a bar

"Anyone here call a taxi?" He asked

"Over there" replied a stern voice.

The Taxi driver turned his head to see a gruff old man pointing to a young fellow in his thirties snoozing at a table.

The taxi driver walked over to the young man and saw a note next to his head.

...

The statement "You are what you eat" isn't really true.

If you eat a vegetarian, you probably aren't a vegetarian.

Only 3 things are certain

Death, taxes, and the truth of this statements.

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

I shouldn’t make blanket statements about autistic people but…

a lot of them do enjoy being wrapped in blankets.

Marshall Mathers wants to make a statement but he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s saying it so

He requests eminemity.

I’ve never used a broom in my whole life.

I realise this is a sweeping statement

Asked to give a statement after a cigarette sparked a fire that burned down a sweatshop where their products were being made, Old Navy replied:

"It's a travesty. It's a truly, horrific travesty. Nobody should be allowed to sell cigarettes to children that age!"

What’s the necrophiliacs’ mission statement?

We put the D in dead.

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A friend told me this, and he might have got it from reddit so this might be a repost but here it goes [Long]

3 best friends decide to travel to an lonely little island somewhere near the Bahamas in the hopes of having a relaxing camping trip, for old time’s sake.

They arrive by water plane, and the pilot informs them that he’ll be returning to pick them up the next day. The men, happy to finally be ...

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A man was outside smoking a cigarette when a young lady walked up to him.

The young lady says
“You know those will kill you right”
The man says
“Maybe, but my grandmother lived to be 98 years old”
The young lady, blown away by this statement says;
“And she smoked?!”
The man says;
“No, but she minded her own fucking business”

Monica Lewinsky has released the following statement on Hillary Clinton's run for the American Presidency:

"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton. The last Clinton Presidency left a very bad taste in my mouth."

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Breaking News: Louis C.K. makes first published statement regarding the recent alligations of sexual misconduct.

"I'm Gay."

Profit & Loss Statement

Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"

Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...

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Trump's statement regarding China

Trump: "In little over a week when I take office, China will fall into a slump. Factories will shut down, shops will close, stock markets will not trade, and government will grind to a halt.The wealthy will flee overseas with their families, citizens desperately trade their currency for food, doors ...

The White House just released a statement that...

Trump is only pardoning the white meat of the turkey this year.

An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables.

It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”

Why is a White House press statement like sulfuric acid?

They're both baseless and corrosive.

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Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.

One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coroner’s office.

The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Jo...

In my credit card statement there was an extra 666$ charge written in tiny fonts ...

As usual, the devil is in the details ...

Did you know that on average people want 3 covers on their beds at all times?

That's just a blanket statement.

Subway to release a statement next week

In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.

Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?

Or is that a blanket statement?

A Double Negative

An English professor was explaining to his students that a double negative in a sentence equals a positive statement. The words “I ain’t got no money” were written on the board, and he demonstrated his point by drawing a line through “ain’t” and “no.”

A student raised his hand and asked, “Is ...

I called my credit card company when I got my bill and said, "I can't pay this." "Well, let's see if I can help you, sir. What was your last statement?"

...



"I



CAN'T



PAY



THIS."

Cops have released a statement on the discovery of "Glory Hole" in the bathrooms of a hugely prestigious college sorority house.

Police are looking into it.

And are preparing a probing investigation.

I'm getting tired of politicians using blanket statements

It's putting me to sleep

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A lawyer's trick . . .

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the...

Ryan Lochte's first draft of his apology statement...

"Hi guys, my bad. Apologies to the people of Argentina. Jeah!"

Donald Trump Jr. Just released a second statement on his email correspondence

[removed]

A man is at the gates to hell...

In front of him are 2 gigantic doors. One is made of twisted red oak, and the other of smooth polished iron.


Sitting between the doors are 2 huge red identical looking demons. One is seated on an enormous ornately carved ivory chair. The other on an identically carved but shining black e...

Everybody's trying to make clever statements on Twitter.

In the end they always turn out as 'Stupid autocovfefe!'

Bill is called in for a review at his new job

His supervisor asks Bill to take a seat and they begin discussing his first month at the company. The supervisor says he's seen Bill make a lot of dumb mistakes, but more than anything else, Bill is uncommonly early to his shift by at least 2 hours every day.

Bill confesses that he does this ...

A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper, explodes one day in mid-session and begins to shout,

“Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!” All the other senators demand that the angry member withdraw his statement or be removed for the remainder of the session. After a moment to think, the angry senator apologizes. “I’m sorry,” he says. “What I meant to say was half o...

The press should have given Sean Spicer a 5th attempt at clarifying his statement.

Who knows, maybe he finally figured out the final solution.

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Defiant statement from Bill O'Reilly:

"I didn't say I felt remorse when I tried to have sex with my subordinates, I said that when I shower with one of them I falafel."

You know what they say about blanket statements?

They're all false.

The president was getting his daily briefing about world affairs...

The president was getting his daily briefing about world affairs. His advisor concluded it with, "and yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed in an attack."

"That's terrible!" responded the president. "We need to act now. I need to talk directly with the people. Set up a time for it, a...

I said that all pillows are uncomfortable and my friend slapped me.

He said that’s a very blanket statement to make.

I recently hired two interns from China to help with my business

Hua Ta Yu and Biyuchica Mi. Because it was easier, they both asked me to call them by their last names.

I needed to sign up for a new online service and asked Yu to do so. I gave her my credit card and off she went. After an hour I went to see if she had completed the task and she was gone! W...

There are many contradictory statements like...

Pacifist mass murder, Clinton keeping emails, and Apple is innovative.

Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...

The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.

Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hanged for his crimes.

Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.

Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the...

Monica Lewinsky's statement on Hillary's run for President

Monica Lewinsky released the following statment on Hillary Clinton's run for President..
"I will not vote for Hillary Clinton . The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in my mouth. As we get closer to the 2016 election year, citizens must remember that they cannot even trust Hillary Clinton ...

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Once you go black you never go back.

This is a very concerning statement for me because my poop has been black for about a week and it burns really bad and google says black stool means blood early in my digestive tract and I don't know what to do please help

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head...

So a guy walks into a bar and has a lemon for a head... he sits down at the bar and the bartender says "WHOA! How did you get a lemon for a head?" The man replies "if you pour me free drinks all night, I'll tell you the story" the bartender agrees and starts to pour him a drink. The man starts to te...

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A man sued over an accident he got in while on his horse

During the trial, the defendant's lawyer asked the plaintiff, "after the accident happened, did you or did you not tell a pollixe officer that you've 'never felt better in your life'"

Now, the plaintiff responded "why yes, I do remember saying that," and the entire court room was shocked at ...

I made a bold statement by not buying two night-stands for my bedroom.

I'm a one night stand kind of man.

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About an inch

The UN is in session and the three major superpowers, the US, Russia, and China are trying to out do each other's achievements.

The US says "we have a missile that could reach any point on Earth with amazing precision and destroy it."

Everyone else starts chattering in disbelief and t...

If you wanted to see a black hole...

I could have just shown you my student loan statement.

I'm cursed to end every statement I make with Bruno Mars lyrics

Don't believe me? Just watch.

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I was looking at my bank statement and realized I was a .1 percent-er

I don't know why anyone wants to be one, it's a crappy interest rate.

One broom said to the other...

'New brooms are always better than old ones.'

'Wow, that's a sweeping statement.' the other broom replied.

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Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

Guy Walks Into A Bar...

Me: Guy walks into a bar

Person: who was he?

Me: I don't know; anyway, Guy walks into a bar

Person: Was he white, black, Mexican, what?

Me: Race shouldn't matter...Guy walks into a bar...

Person: Was he a drunk? Was he drunk? What was he doing?

Me: I guess h...

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Let me tell you a story of a guy named Juan.

Juan was the custodian at a local grade school. Everyone loved Juan. He was so sweet and compassionate with the kids and did a wonderful job. One day the principal came up to Juan and said:

"You know Juan, you care about this school so much, maybe you should run for the board of education"...

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