I had an ex-girlfriend that liked it in the ear

"How the hell did you find that out?" asked my friend.

"Every time I tried to put it in her mouth she'd turn her head!"

My ex-wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better

My ex husband cheated during our wedding reception

I guess it really was a black tie affair

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What's the different between a rooster and my ex girlfriend?

A rooster goes cockadoodledoo.

My ex goes anycock'lldo.

Husband and wife are in a bar when the wife sees her ex boyfriend

She says to her husband, ‘see that drunk, I turned down his proposal 10 years ago.
Husband looks at his wife, looks at the guy and sighs, ‘that explains why he is still celebrating’

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My ex-girlfriend had this weird fetish

She liked to dress up like herself and act like a raging bitch all the time

My ex-wife's nickname is Thanos

Cuz she snapped and now half my stuff is gone.

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My ex wife was an acupuncturist…

Divorced her because she was a backstabbing bitch.

I paid a guy £10,000 to smash into my ex's bumper. After it was done, I watched her converse with police office, clearly upset.

I don't know why she was sad, though.

She's always liked being hit from behind by random men.

Did you hear about that music band formed from ex potato chip workers?

They called themselves “panic at Nabisco”

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My ex and her parrot.

My ex had a talking parrot. This large kind with curved beak and multicolored feathers.

That disgusting creature talked all day and night never shutting its mouth!

And the parrot had to listen to all that crap.

I missed my ex-wife the other day....

So I'm going shopping for a better scope

My Ex said, she missed me

normally i'd say that's flattering

but she is already reloading.

My ex broke up with me so I took her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back

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My ex once walked in on me having FaceTime sex,

I didn’t even know she was at the other person’s house.

How to respond to your ex

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

My ex's motto: "If it ain't broke..."

"...date it."

People say it takes a long time to get over your ex girlfriend

I just needed to step on the gas pedal a little bit harder

At least I know I can't get an STD from my ex!

It was a KleenEX

I did everything possible to try and convince my ex-wife to remarry me.

But she figured out that I was only after my own money.

Two ex-cons talk to each other. The younger one says: "I was in for drugs. What did you do?"

The older man answers: "I was jailed for something I didn't do."

The young guy, intrigued, asks: "What was that? Did they set you up?"

The older shrugs: "Nah, I just didn't run fast enough."

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What’s the difference between a cunt and my ex-wife?

Just the spelling

As an ex-archer myself, I had always wondered, why aren't we allowed to shoot into the crowd?

Then, it hit me.

Why did the ex-military chef fire his waitstaff?

They weren’t good at taking hors d'oeuvres.

My friend was an ex 'flat-earther'

He finally came around

My ex girlfriend got run over by a bus today

Today has just been horrible. I even lost my job as a bus driver.

My ex called me today - said she wanted me to eat her out...

Had to turn her down - after her I developed allergy to nuts

An old Businessman and his young Model ex-wife

were fighting over the custody of their 3-year-old son.
The young mother protested that since she brought the kid into this world,
she had a natural right to the custody of him.
The judge asked the businessman to explain his side of the case.
After a long moment of silence, t...

I Ran Into My Ex Today...

So I put it in reverse, and I did it again.

And again.

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My ex has a new guy

He's horrible. Doesn't do jack shit around the house, lies around all the time, hitting the bottle pretty hard or yelling at her whenever it's empty. He also ain't really a looker, he's bald and kinda short and ... I really don't understand what people see in babies.

My ex broke up with me because she said I was too old fashioned

I thought we had good alchemy

My ex girlfriend's dog died,

so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Crazy ex-girlfriends

are like a box of chocolates.

They will kill your dog..

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My ex has some problem with her vagina and has to go to a city in France to get treatment

Its Toulouse.

My girlfriend said she wanted to get her ex's name tattooed on her back.

That's nice of her, getting my name tattooed on her back.

My wife told me not to worry about her ex, because he was hung like a baby.

That made me feel better until I ran into him at the gym, and saw that it's 20 inches long, and weighs 9 pounds.

I grew very suspicious when my ex and current girlfriends were on the same frequency

Turns out, they were using the same vibrator

A guy walks into a bar and has several beers while he complains to the bartender about his soon-to-be ex-wife.

"I was a complete idiot when I married her," the guy laments to the bartender. "Probably," the bartender agrees. "But I suppose she was in love at the time and didn't notice right off."

I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it...

Because revenge is a dish best served cold

‌‌After s‌‌ex w‌‌ith m‌‌y n‌‌ew g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌ast n‌‌ight s‌‌he s‌‌nuggled u‌‌p n‌‌ext t‌‌o m‌‌e a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌You a‌‌re d‌‌efinitely t‌‌he b‌‌iggest I‌‌'ve e‌‌ver h‌‌ad."

Apparently "‌‌ditto" w‌‌asn't t‌‌he c‌‌orrect r‌‌esponse.

Not saying my Ex was fat

But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.

My ex wife is a pirates worst nightmare !

A sunken chest with no booty .........

What do the Twin Towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common?

They both went down on my dad.

What did Adele say when she saw her ex-boyfriend at the playground?

HELLO FROM THE OTHER SLIIIIIDE

I didn't say my ex-wife died,

I said I have a latex wife.

I ran into my ex the other day.

Cleaning the mess off my car was totally worth it.

My ex-wife and I used to go camping.

But it just became two in tents.

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My ex took the plunger when she left. (OC)

I found out at the shittiest time.

I saw my ex working at subway the other day

So I stopped in and had her make me a sandwich, for old times sake.

I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"

Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.

My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

My ex wife kept the only copy of our wedding video.

I can’t see myself getting married again.

My ex wife dented the hood of my car.

To be honest, was partly my fault. I *was* driving 55 mph in a 25 mph zone.

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out...

...I’m just after my money.

Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex

My ex

Costco is like my ex

Cheap and giving free samples to everyone

I deeply regret making love with my ex's mother in an elevator ...

It was wrong on so many levels.

Have you heard an ex Vice President is releasing a computer generated reggae album?

It's called Al Gore Rhythms

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Sex is about division, not multiplication

So a long-married 60yo couple get a divorce and revenge remarry 20 year olds.

They bump into each other a year later. After an awkward exchange, the wife says.
'Well, at least I am better off than you.'.
'What do you mean', the ex hubby asked? ' I married a smoking hot 20yo and the sex ...

What's the difference between an airplane and your ex?

The airplane carries less baggage.

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My ex broke up with me because she said just the sight of me made her constipated.

She was so full of shit.

What did the schizophrenic guy say to his ex?

I’m seeing someone.

Have you heard? Melinda Gates, Mackenzie Scott, and Justine Musk are starting their own rocket company!

They are calling it Space-Ex’s and their rockets are guaranteed to go pren-up up up.

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ‟Honey, I’ve just been think...

I might as well call my ex newspaper

Because there's always a new issue every day.

A married man invites his ex-girlfriend over for the night when his wife is out of town

Unfortunately, the security guard of his apartment building saw him with her.
He handed the security guard a crisp $50 and says: "Don't tell the missus about this."
To this the guard replies: "Man your wife pays a minimum of $100 evey time for this kinda stuff"

My ex-girlfriend was a dwarf

We really didn't see eye to eye

A man was granted one wish, however his ex wife would get twice of whatever he wished.

He wished to be half dead.

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The 3 ex drug addicts

So 3 ex drug addicts (let's call them Jim, Mike and Bill) volunteered for a week to try to convince as many junkies as possible to ask for help to fight their addiction. They were given by the local authorities 2 photos, one showing a small circle and one showing a big circle and they were told to u...

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

I'm an ex-neckbeard and I just shaved for the very first time!

I guess you could say I lost my fur-chin-ity..

Whats in common between your ex and a horse?

People like riding horses.

What do you do when you come across your ex in a Karaoke bar?

The polite thing would be to offer them a towel!!

I thought I saw my ex today, but it was just a piece of feldspar.

Maybe she was right, maybe I did take her for granite.

For the bridge enthusiasts out there: I think my ex must have been a bottom supported bridge with a track running down the middle.

Cantilever alone without someone running a train on her.

Work in progress, needs fine tuning.

I hired an ex-pilot to do some painting in my house

Turns out he's pretty good at it! He did a great job of the the landing.

My relationship with my ex-wife is a lot like my relationship with COVID-19.

In each case the government has mandated that I maintain a certain distance from them.

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A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”

 “You miss me that much?” she asks.

 “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.

Left my ex-wife after catching her cheating on me with her deaf best friend..

I honestly should have read all the signs

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Loud Snoring At Camp

Four guys were at deer hunting camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Luigi because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Luigi and comes to breakfast the...

I remember the day my Ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.

I told her:

''Tips to cook delicious food.”

And then she asked me why I was crying. I answered:

"I have reached where they are cutting onions."

I wish my ex girlfriend could look down from heaven and see me

But no, she’s still alive.

So, I delivered a baby today...

Easily my weirdest day at FedEx.

I'm joking, of course.

I work for UPS.

Q. Why won't Ex Machina still be a popular movie in twenty years?

A. The robots wont let us watch it.

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My ex was really good at blowjobs

Just a pity I found out from my friends

What's the difference between my ex and the titanic?

The titanic only went down on 1,000 people.

I spotted my ex at the bar next door

It was ex-siting

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I'm planning on starting a strip club....

... in Poland. It will be called Pole Land.


I will hire people from ex law enforcement as strippers.


The slogan for the club will be: "Welcome to Pole Land, in Poland: Where Polish police polish your pole".

The slogan did pretty well in market research polls.

A new battery factory in Northumberland will offer jobs to ex-offenders

Applicants for the posts will have to prove they haven’t been charged for the last twelve months.

I used to love tractors when I was a kid.

I had posters of them up on my walls, dozens of toy tractors I used to play with; I remember one year my parents surprised me for my birthday with a big cake in the shape of a tractor. They were an obsession.

As I grew older, I started to notice girls and put more thought into my studies, and...

I got a call from the hospital saying my ex girlfriend had been admitted and she was serious

I Told them I was only looking for something casual

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Bought the ex wife some crotchless panties for Halloween...

Nothing sexual, just to give her a better grip on the broomstick.

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old lamp.

He thinks he could sell it so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie.
The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude."
The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it.
The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 ...

What’s the difference between my ex and a bowl of spaghetti?

Spaghetti wiggles when I eat it.

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed

When we broke up she went fucking bananas

I miss my ex-girlfriend all the time.

I really need to work on my aim.

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So Joseph is having sex with Mary

They're going at it pretty good and Mary starts moaning "Oh God, oh God."

All of a sudden Joseph stops and says "come on Mary, can't we have sex one time without you bringing up your ex?"

Bought a litre and a half of White-Out/Tipp-Ex

Big mistake

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Why did the ex-pornstar get fired from his job at the gas station?

As soon as the tank was full, he’d rip out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now *THIS*?!

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I still have sex with my ex-girlfriend all the time.

Honestly, I'm lucky she married me.

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So I figured what I'd get my ex for Christmas...

Just sent her a bunch of dildos. Now she can go fuck herself.

My ex was just like my Netflix account

Shared by five dudes

My ex-wife was a great housekeeper

She kept the house.

An ode to my ex

He really was the lightning to my thunder...
He always came first

My ex girlfirend

My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.


"The Impaler" was my favourite.


Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....


Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.

What o‌‌ne f‌‌ood r‌‌educes a‌‌ w‌‌oman's s‌‌ex d‌‌rive b‌‌y 9‌‌0%?

Wedding c‌‌ake.

My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.

We both got played, constantly.

Do you know that John Hammond killed all of the previous vice-president’s former wives?

He spared no ex-Pence

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What's the difference between an animal doctor and an ex nazi?

One's a veterinarian, and the other's an aryan veteran

If skunks didn't have their protective smell...

They would go ex-stinked.

I think my ex-girlfriend is still obsessed with me

I've just found a photo of us in the bin outside her house.

Wow, my ex must have a severe case of the coronavirus.

I just got a notice from a judge saying to stay at least 50 feet away from her!

Ex-Girlfriend

My ex-girlfriend called and asked if she could stay at my house for a few nights. She said she has been hearing weird noises and thinks someone is outside her place at night.

I said she could definitely stay. I really hope we can get back together. Otherwise, I wasted a month going to her pla...

My ex-girlfriend became my real-estate agent

Now she my homegirl

I have been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer

But no one would do it.

I always used to go to the gym with my ex

Oh how she loved riding stationary bikes together...

We broke up because we couldn’t see ourselves getting anywhere.

My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.

So nice of her to save me the gas money.

I had an ex-girlfriend who was a traffic warden and also happened to be into S&M...

Most of the time it was fine, but every time she put nipple clamps on me, she charged me $200 to take them off again!

What is the name of the hormone secreted during copulation with an ex-lover?

Toxitocin.

I made a graph showing all of my past relationships.

It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.

My ex got sent to jail for plotting a radical socialist coup.

Guess I should have...

Paid attention to the red flags.

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A man is at the bar, talking about his best friend, Max, being interested in his girlfriend.

"I understand I may be overreacting, but I'm still kinda worried like what happened to my ex." The bartender tells him "You'll be fine, just ask if there's a misunderstanding and try to clear it up." He thanks the bartender and goes home.

When he opened the door, he found Max having sex with ...

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.

But nobody will do it.

My wife keeps getting mad at me when I introduce her

"Hi guys, this is my ex-girlfriend."

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A brave and fearsome pirate captain approached an uncharted island, searching for treasure.

His crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. They came upon a large forest and began searching desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he gasped and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead. The capta...

When she broke up with me, my ex told me there was only three things wrong with me:

"The way you look, the way you act, and the way you are."

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.

They all disagreed with her though.

How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?

They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

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I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What restaurant did the ex prostitute work at?

In-N-Out

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I spotted my ex in a hotel I was staying in. We ended up fucking in the elevator.

It was wrong on so many levels.

You ever look at your ex's ex's?

And they all look kinda weird, like totally not he cream of the crop. Like, one works at a 7-11 and talks almost exclusively about Mexicans.

And you think hey maybe I'm an upgrade for her glad she's moving up in the world. She's finally found her taste in men.

But then she leaves you....

I have a graph of my relationships

It has an Ex axis and a why axis, trust me I’ve been plotting for a while

What do you call Aronold Schwarzenegger when he retires?

The Ex-terminator.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lady, a guy and a lad and their love

There was this guy, mid to late twenties, black hair, just average next door type of guy. He's a honest worker who worked his way up in his job and makes a decent living for a man of his age. When he was a kid he was not extremely sharp and people would make fun of his stupidity. But he didn't care ...

Right before me and my ex-girlfriend broke up, I asked her “Which came first: the chicken or the egg?”

She said “You.”

So my ex called me this morning, and said “Jason, I have aids.”

And I called her back and said, “I know.”

I nicknamed my ex girlfriend Australia

Because she has lots of scary things in her bush.

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a phone call from a gorgeous ex

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in m...

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