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Ex Jokes

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My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I had a micro ...

She was in for a shock, when they all disagreed.

After my ex died, I couldn’t shower alone for 10 years

But I’m out of prison now

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been think...

I've spent past 2 years looking for my ex wife's killer

No one wants to do it.

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My Ex called me a machine

Well. her exact words were " tool" but I knew what she meant.


Taken from Tinder bio post...

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

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I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love .

How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?

They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.

Bumped into my ex today...

Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.

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My friend came pissed off at me, saying that it had not even been two days since he broke up and I already had with his ex girlfriend

I said: Sorry dude, I didn't know you guys had broken up!!

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...

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My ex girlfriend used to have with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went bananas.

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

What's the difference between a buoy and my ex girlfriend?

A buoy can be found above the ocean's surface.

My ex wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better!

Husband and wife are in a bar when the wife sees her ex boyfriend

She says to her husband, ‘see that drunk, I turned down his proposal 10 years ago.
Husband looks at his wife, looks at the guy and sighs, ‘that explains why he is still celebrating’

My ex girlfriend is a really good impressionist

She does everyone

I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was too much history between us.

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My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

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My ex-wife had my name tattooed on her , but she had it removed.

I’ve been erased from her mammary.

Not saying my Ex was fat

But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.

What's the difference between my ex and the titanic?

The titanic only went down on 1,000 people

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive

Trying to act surprised.

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

Here's a FedEx joke

Actually, you'll get it tomorrow

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates

They will kill your dog

Saw my ex...

On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.

My ex-wife compulsively counted things, and I ended up divorcing her

I wonder what she’s up to these days

My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back.

Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?

My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.

. I tell people my ex and I used to 96...

It's like 69, but you lay down facing away from each other and there's no touching.

My ex said I was a “contrarian”

I disagree.

Ex Wife.

I tried to remarry my ex-wife..

But she figured out, I was only after my money.

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure

I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

My ex-girlfriend cheated on me with a Spanish guy,

she’s some Juan else’s problem now.

My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.

So I dumped her.

I told my wife, "You're starting to act like my ex-wife"

She freaked out and said, "You never told me you had an ex-wife!"

I replied, "I don't."

I accidentally sent my ex-girlfriend flowers over the internet.

Whoops, e-daises.

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My ex girlfriend Sandra's mum came steaming up to me in the supermarket earlier, with a six-pint bottle of milk in her hand..

She ripped the lid off and poured the lot over my head.

"THAT.." she yelled, "Is from our Sandra."

"Oh don't talk like a ." I replied. "That could be from any cow."

I'm now convinced that we live in a simulation, and my ex-girlfriend was a bug.

Because she disappeared after my cash was cleared.

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During , I accidentally called my wife by my ex-wife name.

I said, "You like that, ?"

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My ex just sent me nudes in a compressed folder

Sigh... *unzips*

My ex-gf invited me to her wedding

Told her I was busy, will be there next time

Sometimes I miss my ex.

So I drop it into reverse and try again.

What is the difference between my ex girlfriend and a hockey player?

The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

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After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”

“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!”

“-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a sentence without being interrupted.”

As a musician, people asked me what my secret was to moving on from my ex so quickly.

I told them I just did what any good songwriter would do.

Drugs.

I think my ex girlfriend fell into poverty since we broke up.

Every time I call her, she says, “Please leave me a loan.”

My ex-wife was a great housekeeper

She kept the house.

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My ex-wife cheated on me with the plumber, the electrician, and carpenter

She was a all trades

Was driving down the road the other day and saw my ex

It’s funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.

And this is why we need the oxford comma.

We should get all the ex-USSR states back together

Then we could have a Soviet re-Union

When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex’s front lawn.

2) Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

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My ex wife was Bonkers.

At least that's what I think the clown's name was.

My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!

I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

My ex is like the Mona Lisa

It's not that she is pretty or anything, but I would be ecstatic if I came home to find her hanging in the living room

My ex-wife told me she missed me...

Thank goodness she is a terrible shot..

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My ex-girlfriend had this weird fetish

She liked to dress up like herself and act like a raging all the time

Ever since me and my ex broken up I’ve been calling her the bull…

She’s been chasing red flags non stop

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My ex has some problem with her and has to go to a city in France to get treatment

Its Toulouse.

Jealous Potential Ex-Girlfriend: “Who was that girl you were talking to?”

Guy: “Huh? Oh that was Yabi, an old friend of mine.”

JPEG: “Yabi?? I’ve never heard of her before!”

Guy: “Yabi Zeness? I swear you two have met.”

JPEG: “Absolutely not. What did she want?”

Guy: “Oh she just let me know she recently joined the church on the corner. She’s g...

Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier.

He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised.

In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.

Ex-wives

Ex-wives are like a Slinky.... not much use for them, but fun to push down the stairs.

My ex asked me "what's your problem?"

I said "to quote Oscar the grouch, my problem is that I love trash"

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me."

You reply with "That's the point."

I lost my ex because of a heart attack, and I can only blame my new job.

If I hadn't been hired as a boxing referee, I wouldn't have tried counting to ten first.

If I ever run into my ex again . . .

I hope I'm going 100 mph.

Why did the pilot ditch his ex-girlfriend?

Because she had way too much excess baggage.

Ex wife to her departing Husband..

You’ll never find someone like me again!-





Husband …

That’s my goal!

My ex told me her spiritual animal was the tiger...

but it turned out it was the cheetah.

A joke told to me by an ex-girlfriend

Why are men like linoleum floors?

Lay one right the first time and you can walk all over it the rest of your life.

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

What would you call an ex-muslim turned communist?

Infidel Castro

Bragging to me about being with my ex wife is the same as….

Bragging about eating a sandwich I threw in the dumpster

Hooking up with my ex is like playing Mario cart

I’ve played this game before and I know I’m gonna end up in 1 of 8 positions

I ran into my ex yesterday...

then backed the car up to make sure.

Did you hear about the merger between UPS and Fed-Ex?

The new name will be Fed-Up.

An ex stonemason spent his days pining for his old life.

He took it for granite.

My friend was going to dye her hair to spite her ex, but I stopped her.

I didn't want her to be blonded by her hatred.

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

My ex-girlfriend reminds me so much of Rapunzel...

Except Rapunzel lets her hair down while my ex lets everyone else in her life down

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My ex called me angrily and said, “Are you stupid?”

I said, “No. I used to, but we broke up, remember?”

I gave my Ex a taste of her own medicine.

My ex's car broke down and she called to ask for help.
I went out and took a look at and left without telling her what was wrong.

my ex is like blood

Used to be inside of me, but now I hate seeing them

My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF?

I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.

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I told my ex she was cross between a rare coin and female dog.

Two Faced

My ex should be a geologist

She keeps on digging up the past

My ex girlfriend's dog died,

so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

i tried to get back together with my ex-wife

She broke it off when she realized I was just after my money.

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My EX used to own a parrot

thing Never shut up. The Parrot was cool, though.

My ex was perfect in all aspects except that her armpits smelled

Hands down the best girl I have known.

Bumped into my ex in town earlier.

Almost didn't recognise her without her hand in my wallet.

Stuck a photo of my ex onto my boomerang.

Now it only comes back when I get rich.

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I used to love my ex-girlfriend's breasts...

...but now they're just distant mammaries.

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My ex girlfriend once told me she gets sad everytime she sees dead goose on the side of the road.

She said it's because when geese mate they mate for life. I know for a fact that's because as soon as I let go they fly away.

My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.

So I poked her

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

Henry VIII had a door for his ex-wife to leave, and a different door for his new wife to enter.

He was a British king from the Twodoor House dynasty.

My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.

So nice of her to save me the gas money.

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...
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