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Ex Jokes

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What's the different between a rooster and my ex girlfriend?

A rooster goes cockadoodledoo.

My ex goes anycock'lldo.

After my ex died, I couldn’t shower alone for 10 years

But I’m out of prison now

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

I've spent past 2 years looking for my ex wife's killer

No one wants to do it.

I had an ex-girlfriend that liked it in the ear

"How the hell did you find that out?" asked my friend.

"Every time I tried to put it in her mouth she'd turn her head!"

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?

They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been think...

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My Ex called me a sex machine

Well. her exact words were "fucking tool" but I knew what she meant.


Taken from Tinder bio post...

An ex husband an ex wife are in court fighting in a bitter custody battle over their child.

The judge asks the woman: "Why do you feel you deserve custody?"

The woman says: "I brought that child into this world. My child literally came out of me! That is why I deserve custody."

The judge nods his head, and says "That is a simple and logical reason. It makes sense."

The...

I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like

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My ex-wife tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I had a micro dick...

She was in for a shock, when they all disagreed.

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My friend came pissed off at me, saying that it had not even been two days since he broke up and I already had sex with his ex girlfriend

I said: Sorry dude, I didn't know you guys had broken up!!

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I ran into my wife’s ex.

He smarmily asked, “How do you like that used pussy?”

I told him, “It ain’t too bad once you get past the used part.”

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

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I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.

What's the difference between a buoy and my ex girlfriend?

A buoy can be found above the ocean's surface.

My ex wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better!

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My ex-wife had my name tattooed on her boob, but she had it removed.

I’ve been erased from her mammary.

Bumped into my ex today...

Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.

Husband and wife are in a bar when the wife sees her ex boyfriend

She says to her husband, ‘see that drunk, I turned down his proposal 10 years ago.
Husband looks at his wife, looks at the guy and sighs, ‘that explains why he is still celebrating’

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello.

There was too much history between us.

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A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”

 “You miss me that much?” she asks.

 “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.

My ex girlfriend is a really good impressionist

She does everyone

What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive

Trying to act surprised.

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

My ex used to hit me with musical instruments

I didn't know that she had a history of violins.

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife…

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

Here's a FedEx joke

Actually, you'll get it tomorrow

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My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates

They will kill your dog

My Ex reminds me of a boxing ring.

It’s not unusual to find three men inside her.

Not saying my Ex was fat

But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.

What's the difference between my ex and the titanic?

The titanic only went down on 1,000 people

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

My ex-wife compulsively counted things, and I ended up divorcing her

I wonder what she’s up to these days

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I was walking with my new boyfriend and ran into my ex…

He came up smugly to my new boyfriend and said,

“Hey asshole, let me tell you something. This chick over here, she’s worn out goods. I’ve used her before."

"Don't worry babe, just the front two inches, everything else is brand new.”

Edited: Based on amazing feedback by u/vp_port

Saw my ex...

On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.

I told my wife, "You're starting to act like my ex-wife"

She freaked out and said, "You never told me you had an ex-wife!"

I replied, "I don't."

My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.

Nsfw. I tell people my ex and I used to 96...

It's like 69, but you lay down facing away from each other and there's no touching.

My ex said I was a “contrarian”

I disagree.

Ex Wife.

I tried to remarry my ex-wife..

But she figured out, I was only after my money.

My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back.

Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure

I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

My ex-girlfriend cheated on me with a Spanish guy,

she’s some Juan else’s problem now.

My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex.

So I dumped her.

What’s the difference between my ex and a bowl of spaghetti?

Spaghetti wiggles when I eat it.

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My ex girlfriend Sandra's mum came steaming up to me in the supermarket earlier, with a six-pint bottle of milk in her hand..

She ripped the lid off and poured the lot over my head.

"THAT.." she yelled, "Is from our Sandra."

"Oh don't talk like a cunt." I replied. "That could be from any cow."

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Thats it,I can't take much anymore. I'm divorcing my wife. First it was some guy in a drunk party,then it was her ex-bf, her boss, my best friend, some Uber driver and even her stepbrother..

I just can't stop sucking cocks.

Was driving down the road the other day and saw my ex

It’s funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.

And this is why we need the oxford comma.

I'm now convinced that we live in a simulation, and my ex-girlfriend was a bug.

Because she disappeared after my cash was cleared.

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During sex, I accidentally called my wife by my ex-wife name.

I said, "You like that, bitch?"

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My ex just sent me nudes in a compressed folder

Sigh... *unzips*

My ex girlfirend

My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.


"The Impaler" was my favourite.


Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....


Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.

My ex-gf invited me to her wedding

Told her I was busy, will be there next time

We should get all the ex-USSR states back together

Then we could have a Soviet re-Union

What is the difference between my ex girlfriend and a hockey player?

The hockey player showers after 3 periods.

I accidentally sent my ex-girlfriend flowers over the internet.

Whoops, e-daises.

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After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”

“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!”

“-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”

As a musician, people asked me what my secret was to moving on from my ex so quickly.

I told them I just did what any good songwriter would do.

Drugs.

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My ex was really good at blowjobs

Just a pity I found out from my friends

My ex-wife was a great housekeeper

She kept the house.

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My ex-wife cheated on me with the plumber, the electrician, and carpenter

She was a jack off all trades

Sometimes I miss my ex.

So I drop it into reverse and try again.

Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier.

He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.

When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex’s front lawn.

2) Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

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My ex wife was fucking Bonkers.

At least that's what I think the clown's name was.

My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!

I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

My ex is like the Mona Lisa

It's not that she is pretty or anything, but I would be ecstatic if I came home to find her hanging in the living room

I think my ex girlfriend fell into poverty since we broke up.

Every time I call her, she says, “Please leave me a loan.”

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My ex-girlfriend had this weird fetish

She liked to dress up like herself and act like a raging bitch all the time

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A bloke sees his ex-wife with her new lover in the pub and decides to wind him up so he shouts over 'How's the second-hand pussy?'

Quick as a flash, her lover replies 'Great! After the first three inches it's like brand new'

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My ex has some problem with her vagina and has to go to a city in France to get treatment

Its Toulouse.

Jealous Potential Ex-Girlfriend: “Who was that girl you were talking to?”

Guy: “Huh? Oh that was Yabi, an old friend of mine.”

JPEG: “Yabi?? I’ve never heard of her before!”

Guy: “Yabi Zeness? I swear you two have met.”

JPEG: “Absolutely not. What did she want?”

Guy: “Oh she just let me know she recently joined the church on the corner. She’s g...

My ex-wife told me she missed me...

Thank goodness she is a terrible shot..

Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,

you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.

My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised.

In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.

Ex-wives

Ex-wives are like a Slinky.... not much use for them, but fun to push down the stairs.

Ever since me and my ex broken up I’ve been calling her the bull…

She’s been chasing red flags non stop

My ex asked me "what's your problem?"

I said "to quote Oscar the grouch, my problem is that I love trash"

Hooking up with my ex is like playing Mario cart

I’ve played this game before and I know I’m gonna end up in 1 of 8 positions

If I ever run into my ex again . . .

I hope I'm going 100 mph.

Ex wife to her departing Husband..

You’ll never find someone like me again!-





Husband …

That’s my goal!

My ex told me her spiritual animal was the tiger...

but it turned out it was the cheetah.

A joke told to me by an ex-girlfriend

Why are men like linoleum floors?

Lay one right the first time and you can walk all over it the rest of your life.

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

What would you call an ex-muslim turned communist?

Infidel Castro

Bragging to me about being with my ex wife is the same as….

Bragging about eating a sandwich I threw in the dumpster

My friend was going to dye her hair to spite her ex, but I stopped her.

I didn't want her to be blonded by her hatred.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me."

You reply with "That's the point."

I lost my ex because of a heart attack, and I can only blame my new job.

If I hadn't been hired as a boxing referee, I wouldn't have tried counting to ten first.

Why did the pilot ditch his ex-girlfriend?

Because she had way too much excess baggage.

My ex who cheated on me with 5 guys without condom used to love instant noodles.

Guess you could say she liked Raw'men

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So, back when my wife and I just started dating, I ran into her asshole ex in the bar.

He said "Hey there **Gil**, how you doing with that second-hand pussy?"

I shrugged and said "After the first two inches it's just like a new one."

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I'm starting to suspect that my wife's vagina is haunted by her ex.

Every time we make love, I swear I can hear his name.

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A man texts his ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend - "Hey, how do you like this USED pussy?"

And gets a reply - "Thanks for asking! It feels brand new after first 2 inches".

An ex stonemason spent his days pining for his old life.

He took it for granite.

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

My ex-girlfriend reminds me so much of Rapunzel...

Except Rapunzel lets her hair down while my ex lets everyone else in her life down

I ran into my ex yesterday...

then backed the car up to make sure.

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My ex called me angrily and said, “Are you fucking stupid?”

I said, “No. I used to, but we broke up, remember?”

Did you hear about the merger between UPS and Fed-Ex?

The new name will be Fed-Up.

I gave my Ex a taste of her own medicine.

My ex's car broke down and she called to ask for help.
I went out and took a look at and left without telling her what was wrong.

my ex is like blood

Used to be inside of me, but now I hate seeing them

My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF?

I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.

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I told my ex she was cross between a rare coin and female dog.

Two Faced Bitch

My ex should be a geologist

She keeps on digging up the past

My ex girlfriend's dog died,

so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

i tried to get back together with my ex-wife

She broke it off when she realized I was just after my money.

My ex was perfect in all aspects except that her armpits smelled

Hands down the best girl I have known.

Bumped into my ex in town earlier.

Almost didn't recognise her without her hand in my wallet.

Stuck a photo of my ex onto my boomerang.

Now it only comes back when I get rich.

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I used to love my ex-girlfriend's breasts...

...but now they're just distant mammaries.

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My ex girlfriend once told me she gets sad everytime she sees dead goose on the side of the road.

She said it's because when geese mate they mate for life. I know for a fact that's bullshit because as soon as I let go they fly away.

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Last night I masturbated over my ex-girlfriend.

I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.

My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.

So I poked her

Henry VIII had a door for his ex-wife to leave, and a different door for his new wife to enter.

He was a British king from the Twodoor House dynasty.

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My EX used to own a parrot

Fucking thing Never shut up. The Parrot was cool, though.

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

I'm going through a divorce at the moment, and my soon to be ex-wife said she is going to make sure my bank balance is going to be $0.

That's nice of her, paying off all my debt.

My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.

So nice of her to save me the gas money.

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