As part of the break up process,I decided to burn all my ex wife's clothes.

It gave me great satisfaction.....

She was wearing them at the time.

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A man went to the doctor...

A man went to the doctor on Saturday, to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor said, "I can't give you a double dose, it's too dangerous!" "But I really need it!", the man replied. The doctor asked him what he needed a double dose for, to which the man replied, "Well, my girlfriend is coming into ...

A friend of mine mentioned how his former lover always makes him wait in line,

and I was like "ex queue's you"?

I grew very suspicious when my ex and current girlfriends were on the same frequency

Turns out, they were using the same vibrator

My wife told me not to worry about her ex, because he was hung like a baby.

That made me feel better until I ran into him at the gym, and saw that it's 20 inches long, and weighs 9 pounds.

A man rented an uber and and the cabbie arrived exactly on time

The passenger said: "wow you are so punctual just like frank"
Cabbie: excuse me?

Passenger: frank is a great guy, always on time, knows the best restaurants, wear the best clothes, always keeps his promises and never ever treat his family badly.

Cabbie: so is frank your friend or......

I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it...

Because revenge is a dish best served cold

What do you call Aronold Schwarzenegger when he retires?

The Ex-terminator.

What did Adele say when she saw her ex-boyfriend at the playground?

HELLO FROM THE OTHER SLIIIIIDE

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A brave and fearsome pirate sailed toward a small island, in search for buried treasure.

He and his crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. When they shortly came upon a large forest, they searched desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he stopped suddenly and pointed at a crouched figure ...

I Ran Into My Ex Today...

So I put it in reverse, and I did it again.

And again.

My girlfriend said she wanted to get her ex's name tattooed on her back.

That's nice of her, getting my name tattooed on her back.

My friend was an ex 'flat-earther'

He finally came around

Bad joke time

Three ladies (previously partying the night before) meet up for brunch and compare just how drunk they were.
Girl 1: I was so drunk last night that I ended up texting my ex-boyfriend professing my undying love.
Girl 2: that’s nothing I barely was able to stumble to my door. Once inside all ...

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My ex has some problem with her vagina and has to go to a city in France to get treatment

Its Toulouse.

My ex broke up with me because she said I was too old fashioned

I thought we had good alchemy

My ex still misses me

But her aim is getting better

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My ex took the plunger when she left. (OC)

I found out at the shittiest time.

A FedEx driver, UPS driver, and USPS driver walk into a bar...

Nevermind, you wouldn't get the delivery from the FedEx driver.

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What’s the difference between a cunt and my ex-wife?

Just the spelling

The man who loved tractors.

There was a farmer, who absolutely loved his tractors. He collected all kinds of tractors and tractor memorabilia. The only thing he cared more for, was his lovely wife.

One day, he heard his wife make an awful scream out in the fields. He sprinted outside to find her body crushed by a tracto...

My ex wife dented the hood of my car.

To be honest, was partly my fault. I *was* driving 55 mph in a 25 mph zone.

Crazy ex-girlfriends

are like a box of chocolates.

They will kill your dog..

How am I similar to the Earth ?

We both rotate around our own ex(s)

I deeply regret making love with my ex's mother in an elevator ...

It was wrong on so many levels.

Did you know Arnold Schwarzenegger is now running a pest management company?

He’s an ex-terminator.

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant.....

the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," says the husband kiddingly, “she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't bee...

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What does a Dalek call breakup sex?

<<<EX-PENETRATE>>>

For her birthday, my wife asked for "something with diamonds".

I gave her a pack of playing cards.

She's my ex-wife now.

Costco is like my ex

Cheap and giving free samples to everyone

My ex wife is a pirates worst nightmare !

A sunken chest with no booty .........

My ex-wife and I used to go camping.

But it just became two in tents.

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My ex girlfriend had a role playing fetish. She liked to dress up as herself, and act like

a fucking bitch

I took my ex wife out yesterday.

Man, it's fun being a sniper.

A guy walks into a bar and has several beers while he complains to the bartender about his soon-to-be ex-wife.

"I was a complete idiot when I married her," the guy laments to the bartender. "Probably," the bartender agrees. "But I suppose she was in love at the time and didn't notice right off."

Q. Why won't Ex Machina still be a popular movie in twenty years?

A. The robots wont let us watch it.

I ran into my ex the other day.

Cleaning the mess off my car was totally worth it.

Have you heard an ex Vice President is releasing a computer generated reggae album?

It's called Al Gore Rhythms

I spotted my ex at the bar next door

It was ex-siting

My ex girlfriend's dog died,

so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

A new battery factory in Northumberland will offer jobs to ex-offenders

Applicants for the posts will have to prove they haven’t been charged for the last twelve months.

I remember the day my Ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.

I told her:

''Tips to cook delicious food.”

And then she asked me why I was crying. I answered:

"I have reached where they are cutting onions."

Had a TERRIBLE day today

First, my ex-wife got hit by a bus and landed in the hospital.

And worst of all, I got fired from my job as a bus driver!

I didn't say my ex-wife died,

I said I have a latex wife.

Whats in common between your ex and a horse?

People like riding horses.

What did the schizophrenic guy say to his ex?

I’m seeing someone.

I might as well call my ex newspaper

Because there's always a new issue every day.

Dating in rural towns is strange.

When a girl says daddy it’s hard to tell if it’s a fetish thing or if she’s thinking about her ex.

A man named Tenison March was filmed exiting the bureau of births, deaths and marriages.

Footage shows that seconds later, another man named “Samsung Galaxy-9 Jr” (formerly Allen Frank) was seen throwing wild punches at March.

March, an ex-Green Beret, was able to fend off the attack until police arrived on the scene to make an arrest.

Galaxy-9 has been charged with batter...

I thought I saw my ex today, but it was just a piece of feldspar.

Maybe she was right, maybe I did take her for granite.

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Why did the ex-pornstar get fired from his job at the gas station?

As soon as the tank was full, he’d rip out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

My ex wife kept the only copy of our wedding video.

I can’t see myself getting married again.

If Sarah Connor needed pest control...

She can call an Ex-Terminator

Why was Copy nervous on its date with Paste?

Because Cut was at another table, and they were a controlling ex.

I'm sorry.

My relationship with my ex-wife is a lot like my relationship with COVID-19.

In each case the government has mandated that I maintain a certain distance from them.

For the bridge enthusiasts out there: I think my ex must have been a bottom supported bridge with a track running down the middle.

Cantilever alone without someone running a train on her.

Work in progress, needs fine tuning.

I got a call from the hospital saying my ex girlfriend had been admitted and she was serious

I Told them I was only looking for something casual

Bought a litre and a half of White-Out/Tipp-Ex

Big mistake

What do you do when you come across your ex in a Karaoke bar?

The polite thing would be to offer them a towel!!

My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex.

What's the difference between an airplane and your ex?

The airplane carries less baggage.

My buddy told me he got laid off from his job reviewing vendors on eBay, Amazon, etc...

...so I said "Sorry to hear that, man. Let's go grab some meth and we'll tweak out to forget about it."

"Nah," he said. "I don't really feel like it."

"Come on," I urged. "A little crystal will do you good."

"I don't know..." he mumbled.

"Dude, let's get cranked already...

My ex-girlfriend was a dwarf

We really didn't see eye to eye

I was on a date with this girl and she started telling me about her violent ex relationship.

"Thats really terrible. How bad were the beatings?" I asked holding her hands.

She replied, "It depended on how angry I was at the time."

LPT: After a bad break up, do 10 things that your ex would never do with you. You'll feel better and realize how much of yourself was being held back.

She would never do a threesome with me. Is it possible now

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So a divorced husband has been seen having sex with a garbage bin

So a divorced husband has been seen having sex with a garbage bin

His ex-wife goes up to him and asks “Woah woah woah, what the hell are you doing?”

The man replies with: “Well you told me im fucking trash, so here we are.”

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”

Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.

DONE! You are the owner of one ...

What do the Twin Towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common?

They both went down on my dad.

I saw my ex working at subway the other day

So I stopped in and had her make me a sandwich, for old times sake.

Highway to Hawaii

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie.

The genie says to him, "Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude."
...

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The 3 ex drug addicts

So 3 ex drug addicts (let's call them Jim, Mike and Bill) volunteered for a week to try to convince as many junkies as possible to ask for help to fight their addiction. They were given by the local authorities 2 photos, one showing a small circle and one showing a big circle and they were told to u...

An ode to my ex

He really was the lightning to my thunder...
He always came first

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A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”

 “You miss me that much?” she asks.

 “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.

Left my ex-wife after catching her cheating on me with her deaf best friend..

I honestly should have read all the signs

The resemblance was uncanny!

A newlywed man was in the garage working on his motorcycle. His new wife came out of the house and watched him work for a few minutes before saying, “Now that we are married, you should probably sell that motorcycle.”

The man’s face went pale and he looked as if he might throw up.

“Ar...

I've just finished a graph charting my previous relationships...

It has an Ex axis and a Why axis.

My ex's brain is like a blender

It's not always on, but when it is it's stirring up sh*t.

My ex-girlfriend became my real-estate agent

Now she my homegirl

My ex was just like my Netflix account

Shared by five dudes

My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.

We both got played, constantly.

Wow, my ex must have a severe case of the coronavirus.

I just got a notice from a judge saying to stay at least 50 feet away from her!

I had an ex-girlfriend who was a traffic warden and also happened to be into S&M...

Most of the time it was fine, but every time she put nipple clamps on me, she charged me $200 to take them off again!

Ex-Girlfriend

My ex-girlfriend called and asked if she could stay at my house for a few nights. She said she has been hearing weird noises and thinks someone is outside her place at night.

I said she could definitely stay. I really hope we can get back together. Otherwise, I wasted a month going to her pla...

What is the name of the hormone secreted during copulation with an ex-lover?

Toxitocin.

My ex-wife was a great housekeeper

She kept the house.

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed

When we broke up she went fucking bananas

I'm not saying my ex is fat...

But my memory foam mattress took a year to forget her.

I always used to go to the gym with my ex

Oh how she loved riding stationary bikes together...

We broke up because we couldn’t see ourselves getting anywhere.

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now *THIS*?!

I have been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer

But no one would do it.

My ex got sent to jail for plotting a radical socialist coup.

Guess I should have...

Paid attention to the red flags.

My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.

So nice of her to save me the gas money.

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.


Judge: “why do you think you deserve custody of the child?”


Ex wife: “I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him”


Judge: “that is a simple yet good reason.”


Then the judge looks towards the...

What o‌‌ne f‌‌ood r‌‌educes a‌‌ w‌‌oman's s‌‌ex d‌‌rive b‌‌y 9‌‌0%?

Wedding c‌‌ake.

My ex girlfirend

My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.


"The Impaler" was my favourite.


Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....


Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.

I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like...

You ever look at your ex's ex's?

And they all look kinda weird, like totally not he cream of the crop. Like, one works at a 7-11 and talks almost exclusively about Mexicans.

And you think hey maybe I'm an upgrade for her glad she's moving up in the world. She's finally found her taste in men.

But then she leaves you....

When she broke up with me, my ex told me there was only three things wrong with me:

"The way you look, the way you act, and the way you are."

How to deal with a toxic ex: 100% accuracy and scientifically proven to work.

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

My ex asked me how my life was

Nothing but my passwords have changed

My ex left me because I was determined to buy van and sell spaghetti out of the back, she told me it wouldn’t work

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta

So my ex called me this morning, and said “Jason, I have aids.”

And I called her back and said, “I know.”

I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.

She believes I'm only after my money.

I found my ex girlfriend’s dead body at the morgue I work at

She’s still giving me the cold shoulder.

Right before me and my ex-girlfriend broke up, I asked her “Which came first: the chicken or the egg?”

She said “You.”

People always ask me why I call my ex girlfriend “oregano.”

It’s because oregano leaves.

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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet. That fucking thing never shut up.

Bird was pretty cool though.

My ex girlfriend was like a faulty computer

I could turn her off. The hard part was turning her on again

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a phone call from a gorgeous ex

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in m...

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I spotted my ex in a hotel I was staying in. We ended up fucking in the elevator.

It was wrong on so many levels.

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.

But nobody will do it.

I nicknamed my ex girlfriend Australia

Because she has lots of scary things in her bush.

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.

They all disagreed with her though.

I don't know about the rest of you, but to me the word "exclusive"...

...means only one thing.

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What restaurant did the ex prostitute work at?

In-N-Out

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My Ex and i weren't compatible,

i'm an Aquarius and she was a bitch.

Why did the pirate have a map to his ex wife's house

For booty calls

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My ex-girlfriend complained that my dick's short, to which I replied

"I'm just not that into you."

A woman is deciding between three suitors which one to be with. She says to the three men, "we are still young and inexperienced, go out there and travel around the world, we'll see when you come back."

So the first guy goes to Europe and tours the different countries there.

The second guy goes to Europe, then Asia, then Africa, then Australia and basically goes everywhere.

The third guy doesn't go anywhere.

6 months later they all meet up and the first guy says, "I went to all...

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.

But no, she’s still alive

How long does it take my ex wife to screw in a light bulb?

Ha! My ex screwing, that’s a good one.

I told my ex to join the anti-vax community.

Clearly, he needs to be surrounding by other people who don’t last long.

I've spent the last 2 years looking for my ex girlfriend's killer

...no one would do it

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An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.


He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.


"Why did you stop me you old fool?"


"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old ma...

A English teacher has been sentenced to life without parole. The ex-teacher, seemingly unaware, asked the judge if that really was his sentence. The judge questioned why he would ask such a ridiculous question.

“Well you see,” The English teacher explained. “‘Life without parole’ is a phrase.”

How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?

They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.

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What does a gamer call his ex-wife’s vagina?

His ex-box

My ex-boyfriend paralyzed the left side of his body.

He's all right now.

(True Story)

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