I had an ex-girlfriend that liked it in the ear

"How the hell did you find that out?" asked my friend.

"Every time I tried to put it in her mouth she'd turn her head!"

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My ex has some problem with her vagina and has to go to a city in France to get treatment

Its Toulouse.

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments.

**She had a history of violins.**

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.

MAN, I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!

What’s the difference between ex-cons and a congressmen?

Every once in a while an ex-con passes few good bills.

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What does Bruce Willis, a donkey with sunglasses on, and my ex have in common?

They’re all bad ass.

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My ex wife

My ex wife said that there was nothing wrong with having a 3 inch penis, but I still didn’t like her having one.

Two ex-colleagues meet up

Him: Do you have any children?

Her: Yes, one, it's almost two

Him: Well I know how much one is

Husband and wife are in a bar when the wife sees her ex boyfriend

She says to her husband, ‘see that drunk, I turned down his proposal 10 years ago.
Husband looks at his wife, looks at the guy and sighs, ‘that explains why he is still celebrating’

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What's the different between a rooster and my ex girlfriend?

A rooster goes cockadoodledoo.

My ex goes anycock'lldo.

My ex texted me, “Wish you were here.”

She does that every time she walks through a cemetery.

My ex-wife's nickname is Thanos

Cuz she snapped and now half my stuff is gone.

I paid a guy £10,000 to smash into my ex's bumper. After it was done, I watched her converse with police office, clearly upset.

I don't know why she was sad, though.

She's always liked being hit from behind by random men.

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My ex wife was an acupuncturist…

Divorced her because she was a backstabbing bitch.

My ex broke up with me so I took her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back

Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier.

He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.

My ex was perfect in all aspects except that her armpits smelled

Hands down the best girl I have known.

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Told my ex I had a wet dream about her last night

She fell off a cliff and I pissed myself laughing

What do you call a racist ex-Marine who medically treats animals?

A veteran aryan

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My Ex and I

My Ex and I explored my Bisexual side.
She got a strap on…
My Hetero sex life is behind me now…

My ex-wife still misses me

But her aim is getting better

Did you hear about that music band formed from ex potato chip workers?

They called themselves “panic at Nabisco”

How to respond to your ex

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

I missed my ex-wife the other day....

So I'm going shopping for a better scope

People say it takes a long time to get over your ex girlfriend

I just needed to step on the gas pedal a little bit harder

Three men approach a wishing well one after another

The first, wishes to have one million bucks. Instantly, he is now in ownership of one million wild deer. He sets up a venison business and makes millions

The second wishes for his ex-wife to fall for him again. She instantly trips while thinking about him, and on the way to the hospital, he m...

My ex's motto: "If it ain't broke..."

"...date it."

Two ex-cons talk to each other. The younger one says: "I was in for drugs. What did you do?"

The older man answers: "I was jailed for something I didn't do."

The young guy, intrigued, asks: "What was that? Did they set you up?"

The older shrugs: "Nah, I just didn't run fast enough."

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My ex-girlfriend had this weird fetish

She liked to dress up like herself and act like a raging bitch all the time

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An Australian joke (but it may translate..)

ScoMo (the Australian Prime Minister, right wing, evangelical, ex marketing specialist) is visiting a remote indigenous village, surrounded by the fawning Murdoch press. He speaks to the village elder and asks him how he can make the locals lives better.

"Well," says the elder, "We've got two...

My friend was an ex 'flat-earther'

He finally came around

At least I know I can't get an STD from my ex!

It was a KleenEX

I ordered my ex wife food she hates and had Uber Eats deliver it...

Because revenge is a dish best served cold

Why did the ex-military chef fire his waitstaff?

They weren’t good at taking hors d'oeuvres.

I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

A guy walks into a bar and has several beers while he complains to the bartender about his soon-to-be ex-wife.

"I was a complete idiot when I married her," the guy laments to the bartender. "Probably," the bartender agrees. "But I suppose she was in love at the time and didn't notice right off."

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What’s the difference between a cunt and my ex-wife?

Just the spelling

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My ex and her parrot.

My ex had a talking parrot. This large kind with curved beak and multicolored feathers.

That disgusting creature talked all day and night never shutting its mouth!

And the parrot had to listen to all that crap.

As an ex-archer myself, I had always wondered, why aren't we allowed to shoot into the crowd?

Then, it hit me.

‌‌After s‌‌ex w‌‌ith m‌‌y n‌‌ew g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌ast n‌‌ight s‌‌he s‌‌nuggled u‌‌p n‌‌ext t‌‌o m‌‌e a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌You a‌‌re d‌‌efinitely t‌‌he b‌‌iggest I‌‌'ve e‌‌ver h‌‌ad."

Apparently "‌‌ditto" w‌‌asn't t‌‌he c‌‌orrect r‌‌esponse.

I did everything possible to try and convince my ex-wife to remarry me.

But she figured out that I was only after my own money.

My ex broke up with me because she said I was too old fashioned

I thought we had good alchemy

I Ran Into My Ex Today...

So I put it in reverse, and I did it again.

And again.

My ex girlfriend got run over by a bus today

Today has just been horrible. I even lost my job as a bus driver.

My ex girlfriend's dog died,

so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.

It just made her more upset.

She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

How did the Chesapeake crab refer to his ex-wife?

His Old Bay

Fear me! I'm an ex boxer.

Couldn't get a ps5. :(

An old Businessman and his young Model ex-wife

were fighting over the custody of their 3-year-old son.
The young mother protested that since she brought the kid into this world,
she had a natural right to the custody of him.
The judge asked the businessman to explain his side of the case.
After a long moment of silence, t...

Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex

My ex

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My ex has a new guy

He's horrible. Doesn't do jack shit around the house, lies around all the time, hitting the bottle pretty hard or yelling at her whenever it's empty. He also ain't really a looker, he's bald and kinda short and ... I really don't understand what people see in babies.

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My wife and I were watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" in bed.

I asked if she want to have sex. She said no. I asked, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time and said, "Yes.."
I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how to turn a wife into an ex-wife.

What do the Twin Towers and my ex-girlfriend have in common?

They both went down on my dad.

I saw my ex working at subway the other day

So I stopped in and had her make me a sandwich, for old times sake.

My wife told me not to worry about her ex, because he was hung like a baby.

That made me feel better until I ran into him at the gym, and saw that it's 20 inches long, and weighs 9 pounds.

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out...

...I’m just after my money.

I grew very suspicious when my ex and current girlfriends were on the same frequency

Turns out, they were using the same vibrator

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.

Not saying my Ex was fat

But it took a year for my memory foam mattress to forget her.

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"

Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.

Crazy ex-girlfriends

are like a box of chocolates.

They will kill your dog..

My ex wife is a pirates worst nightmare !

A sunken chest with no booty .........

My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

I didn't say my ex-wife died,

I said I have a latex wife.

I ran into my ex the other day.

Cleaning the mess off my car was totally worth it.

My ex-wife and I used to go camping.

But it just became two in tents.

whenever i think about buying a lottery ticket

i think about my ex and remember i don't know how to pick winners.

Costco is like my ex

Cheap and giving free samples to everyone

My girlfriend said she wanted to get her ex's name tattooed on her back.

That's nice of her, getting my name tattooed on her back.

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. ‟Honey, I’ve just been think...

My ex wife kept the only copy of our wedding video.

I can’t see myself getting married again.

What did Adele say when she saw her ex-boyfriend at the playground?

HELLO FROM THE OTHER SLIIIIIDE

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1st (Original) Joke I’ve EVER Posted

What do you call a taco’s ex-girlfriend???

Nacho bitch!!!

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A man comes home visibly irritated.

His wife notices and asks if something is wrong.

He shakes his head.

"C'mon. Talk to me" she says.

He takes a moment to steady himself. "It's just that..." he pauses again, and takes a deep breathe. "Well, first of all, last night when you were telling me about your day?"
...

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My ex took the plunger when she left. (OC)

I found out at the shittiest time.

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

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My ex broke up with me because she said just the sight of me made her constipated.

She was so full of shit.

What's the difference between an airplane and your ex?

The airplane carries less baggage.

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Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

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My ex was really good at blowjobs

Just a pity I found out from my friends

I'm an ex-neckbeard and I just shaved for the very first time!

I guess you could say I lost my fur-chin-ity..

A married man invites his ex-girlfriend over for the night when his wife is out of town

Unfortunately, the security guard of his apartment building saw him with her.
He handed the security guard a crisp $50 and says: "Don't tell the missus about this."
To this the guard replies: "Man your wife pays a minimum of $100 evey time for this kinda stuff"

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The 3 ex drug addicts

So 3 ex drug addicts (let's call them Jim, Mike and Bill) volunteered for a week to try to convince as many junkies as possible to ask for help to fight their addiction. They were given by the local authorities 2 photos, one showing a small circle and one showing a big circle and they were told to u...

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A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”

 “You miss me that much?” she asks.

 “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.

What’s the difference between my ex and a bowl of spaghetti?

Spaghetti wiggles when I eat it.

A joke my dad has been telling for 45 years

My dad played high school baseball, and the second baseman, John, eventually grew up to be a very successful accountant and married his high school sweetheart. Over the next 25 years, John also collected rare and antique baseball cards, eventually accumulating the world's most expensive collection…<...

What did the schizophrenic guy say to his ex?

I’m seeing someone.

A man was granted one wish, however his ex wife would get twice of whatever he wished.

He wished to be half dead.

Have you heard an ex Vice President is releasing a computer generated reggae album?

It's called Al Gore Rhythms

I wish my ex girlfriend could look down from heaven and see me

But no, she’s still alive.

My ex-girlfriend was a dwarf

We really didn't see eye to eye

I might as well call my ex newspaper

Because there's always a new issue every day.

I deeply regret making love with my ex's mother in an elevator ...

It was wrong on so many levels.

What do you do when you come across your ex in a Karaoke bar?

The polite thing would be to offer them a towel!!

Whats in common between your ex and a horse?

People like riding horses.

I hired an ex-pilot to do some painting in my house

Turns out he's pretty good at it! He did a great job of the the landing.

For the bridge enthusiasts out there: I think my ex must have been a bottom supported bridge with a track running down the middle.

Cantilever alone without someone running a train on her.

Work in progress, needs fine tuning.

I thought I saw my ex today, but it was just a piece of feldspar.

Maybe she was right, maybe I did take her for granite.

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Bought the ex wife some crotchless panties for Halloween...

Nothing sexual, just to give her a better grip on the broomstick.

Left my ex-wife after catching her cheating on me with her deaf best friend..

I honestly should have read all the signs

A retired man is driving his brand new, top end sports car down an empty road and decides to open it up...

(Sorry if this joke has been told on here before)

All of a sudden he sees flashing lights behind him. Speeds up at first, thinks better of it, slows down and pulls over.

Cop comes up to the window and says to the man "I got you for speeding, but I would like to know why you sped up bef...

My ex-wife was a great housekeeper

She kept the house.

I miss my ex-girlfriend all the time.

I really need to work on my aim.

What's the difference between my ex and the titanic?

The titanic only went down on 1,000 people.

I remember the day my Ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.

I told her:

''Tips to cook delicious food.”

And then she asked me why I was crying. I answered:

"I have reached where they are cutting onions."

I know a real nerd, and even though he's given up his interest in farm machinery, he still sucks the atmosphere out of the room.

He's an ex-tractor fan.

Q. Why won't Ex Machina still be a popular movie in twenty years?

A. The robots wont let us watch it.

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I still have sex with my ex-girlfriend all the time.

Honestly, I'm lucky she married me.

My ex was just like my Netflix account

Shared by five dudes

My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.

So nice of her to save me the gas money.

My ex girlfirend

My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.


"The Impaler" was my favourite.


Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....


Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.

My relationship with my ex-wife is a lot like my relationship with COVID-19.

In each case the government has mandated that I maintain a certain distance from them.

What o‌‌ne f‌‌ood r‌‌educes a‌‌ w‌‌oman's s‌‌ex d‌‌rive b‌‌y 9‌‌0%?

Wedding c‌‌ake.

I spotted my ex at the bar next door

It was ex-siting

I got a call from the hospital saying my ex girlfriend had been admitted and she was serious

I Told them I was only looking for something casual

My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.

We both got played, constantly.

I was mourning one of my friend in cemetery

And when leaving, I noticed a guy kneeling to a tombstone beside, he was literally extremely sorrowful, I've never seen a guy can crying like that.
I took a glance at him, but he didn't noticed, he just kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
So, I walked to him, and said...

A new battery factory in Northumberland will offer jobs to ex-offenders

Applicants for the posts will have to prove they haven’t been charged for the last twelve months.

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So I figured what I'd get my ex for Christmas...

Just sent her a bunch of dildos. Now she can go fuck herself.

Bought a litre and a half of White-Out/Tipp-Ex

Big mistake

How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?

They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

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Why did the ex-pornstar get fired from his job at the gas station?

As soon as the tank was full, he’d rip out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

Bob the builder

A drunk Bob the Builder calls his ex-wife at 3am & screams into the answering machine “CAN WE FIX IT?? CAN WE??” Not this time Bob. Not this time.

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.

But nobody will do it.

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I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.

An ode to my ex

He really was the lightning to my thunder...
He always came first

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

A Man Walks into a Gun Store...

The man walks in and looks around until he gets to the Safety Items. He Looks joyfully With a big smile at a Pair of Headphones, Books, then Bingo. He picks up a protective Vest and goes to the counter Happily. The Cashier asks for his ID and asks Him, "Why are you so Happy?", The man responds with,...

I have been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer

But no one would do it.

Wow, my ex must have a severe case of the coronavirus.

I just got a notice from a judge saying to stay at least 50 feet away from her!

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What's the difference between an animal doctor and an ex nazi?

One's a veterinarian, and the other's an aryan veteran

Ex-Girlfriend

My ex-girlfriend called and asked if she could stay at my house for a few nights. She said she has been hearing weird noises and thinks someone is outside her place at night.

I said she could definitely stay. I really hope we can get back together. Otherwise, I wasted a month going to her pla...

I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like

What Not to Say to a Policeman:

-I cant reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-Sorry, Officer, I didnt realize I was driving.

-Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-You're not gonna check the trunk...

I think my ex-girlfriend is still obsessed with me

I've just found a photo of us in the bin outside her house.

What does Grimes call Elon Musk now?

Her Space Ex.......

Have you heard? Melinda Gates, Mackenzie Scott, and Justine Musk are starting their own rocket company!

They are calling it Space-Ex’s and their rockets are guaranteed to go pren-up up up.

I always used to go to the gym with my ex

Oh how she loved riding stationary bikes together...

We broke up because we couldn’t see ourselves getting anywhere.

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.

They all disagreed with her though.

My ex-girlfriend became my real-estate agent

Now she my homegirl

My ex got sent to jail for plotting a radical socialist coup.

Guess I should have...

Paid attention to the red flags.

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Sex is about division, not multiplication

So a long-married 60yo couple get a divorce and revenge remarry 20 year olds.

They bump into each other a year later. After an awkward exchange, the wife says.
'Well, at least I am better off than you.'.
'What do you mean', the ex hubby asked? ' I married a smoking hot 20yo and the sex ...

We should get all the ex-USSR states back together

Then we could have a Soviet re-Union

I just watched this cool video about Pluto’s reclassification!

It was very ex-planetary.

I had an ex-girlfriend who was a traffic warden and also happened to be into S&M...

Most of the time it was fine, but every time she put nipple clamps on me, she charged me $200 to take them off again!

What is the name of the hormone secreted during copulation with an ex-lover?

Toxitocin.

What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive

Trying to act surprised.

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