I'm not saying my ex is fat...

But my memory foam mattress took a year to forget her.

‌‌After s‌‌ex w‌‌ith m‌‌y n‌‌ew g‌‌irlfriend l‌‌ast n‌‌ight s‌‌he s‌‌nuggled u‌‌p n‌‌ext t‌‌o m‌‌e a‌‌nd s‌‌aid, "‌‌You a‌‌re d‌‌efinitely t‌‌he b‌‌iggest I‌‌'ve e‌‌ver h‌‌ad."

Apparently "‌‌ditto" w‌‌asn't t‌‌he c‌‌orrect r‌‌esponse.

When I saw my ex-wife yesterday with her new boyfriend, I couldn’t believe just how much he looked like me when we were still together.

Fcuking miserable.

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My ex was really good at blowjobs

Just a pity I found out from my friends

My ex-wife was a great housekeeper

She kept the house.

Guess who just got 17 missed calls from their ex

my ex

I told my ex to join the anti-vax community.

Clearly, he needs to be surrounding by other people who don’t last long.

My ex girlfriend was like a faulty computer

I could turn her off. The hard part was turning her on again

What’s the difference between my ex and a bowl of spaghetti?

Spaghetti wiggles when I eat it.

My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.

How long does it take my ex wife to screw in a light bulb?

Ha! My ex screwing, that’s a good one.

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I spotted my ex in a hotel I was staying in. We ended up fucking in the elevator.

It was wrong on so many levels.

I've spent the last 2 years looking for my ex girlfriend's killer

...no one would do it

Im not saying my ex girlfriend was fat

But all my thoughts revolve around her

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A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”

 “You miss me that much?” she asks.

 “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.

My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.

So nice of her to save me the gas money.

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"

Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.

What o‌‌ne f‌‌ood r‌‌educes a‌‌ w‌‌oman's s‌‌ex d‌‌rive b‌‌y 9‌‌0%?

Wedding c‌‌ake.

I told the ambulance men the wrong blood type for my ex

Now she'll know what rejection feels like...

I took out my ex today!

Being a sniper is amazing.

My ex still misses me.

I mean, her aim's not getting any better?


I just started gravity falls.

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What restaurant did the ex prostitute work at?

In-N-Out

After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.

But she still won’t admit she framed me.

My ex-boyfriend is a magician

While walking down the street, \*POOF\*, he turns into a liquor store.

My ex girlfirend

My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.


"The Impaler" was my favourite.


Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....


Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.

Why did the woman with a stalker ex-boyfriend buy every brand of soap in the store?

Because she wanted a good deter-gent.

How does a pirate greet his ex wife?

Ahore

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What does a gamer call his ex-wife’s vagina?

His ex-box

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Stumbling across some lines of code you wrote in your last job, is like running into your ex

They still look good, although not perfect and showing some signs of age.

You remember the good and bad times you spent with them.

You recollect all the little mistakes you made, and wonder whether you could've done something differently.

You've learned a lot, and hope to use th...

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Your ex told me you remind her of her Christmas tree...

Your balls are only there for decoration purposes!

I can see my ex girlfriend standing at the opposite side of the museum hall, but I’m too self conscious to say hello.

There’s just too much history between us.

I sent my ex-girlfriend a gift basket of food

Via FedEx.

My crazy ex girlfriend accused me of cheating

Why you ask? Because I went out with her split personality when we were together.

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed

When we broke up she went fucking bananas

‌‌A m‌‌a‌‌n i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g r‌‌elease‌‌d f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ U‌‌‌‌S h‌‌ospital.

A‌‌s h‌‌‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g e‌‌scorte‌‌d o‌‌u‌‌t b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e p‌‌asse‌‌s b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ p‌‌atient’‌‌s r‌‌oo‌‌m w‌‌it‌‌h t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oo‌‌r o‌‌pe‌‌n a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ee‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t i‌‌‌‌s m‌‌asturbatin‌‌g f‌‌uriously‌‌. C‌‌onfused‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌...

I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no.

She believes I'm only after my money.

My ex was like the universe to me.

Cold, vast and uncaring.

My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!

I mean, first I win the lottery and now *THIS*?!

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now.

But no, she’s still alive

What is the difference between poverty and my ex-wife?

Poverty sucks.

I just got reminded of my ex-wife who is deaf, she left me for another deaf person.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

I saw my ex get hit by a bus today,

and I thought “wow, that could’ve been me.”

Then I remembered I don’t have a license to drive a bus!

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.

They all disagreed with her though.

A friend of mine is ex military and recently needed surgery.

Just before his surgery was scheduled I went to see him. Upon knocking on his door he asked, friend or enema?

I called my ex Delta

Because they had the same amount of baggage as the airline.

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How do you announce the death of your ex if you work in a newspaper?

Via a no-bitch-uary.

(kill me)

Ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.

They'll kill your dog.

My coffee this morning is like my ex

Hot and bitter

What's the difference between my ex and the Titanic?

Only 1600 people went down on the titanic.

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Just found out my now ex-girlfriend gave all of my friends blowjobs....

It was a lot to swallow

What's the difference between my ex and a washing machine?

After I put a load in one, the other didn't follow me around.

What do my ex-boyfriend and genital warts have in common?

They're both embarrassing to talk about and difficult to get rid of

My ex-girlfriend's name is Eileen.

whenever I hear the song "come on Eileen" I can't help but think "I already did"

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My ex girlfriend got a butt implant...

Shortly after the operation, she starting getting calls from all these modeling agencies and she was even featured in the new Drake music video that aired on MTV.


I called her to say congratulations, and she asked me how I found out...


I just s...

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Why'd you put ex-lax in the pot brownies?

Ah... Just for shits and giggles.

Ex-Wife

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've just been think...

Getting over my ex was easy

I even reversed back over her for good measure

A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."

"This is gonna be ...

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years.

But nobody will do it.

Whats the difference between my ex-girlfriend and a Kit-Kat?

You can only get 4 fingers in a Kit-Kat

A few days ago, i saw my ex got hit with a bus, and i thought “damn, that could have been me!”

But i rememberd i have no driving license

So I started cultivating a plant with my ex gf before she broke up with me for this other dude

Oh well, guess it’s his-tree now

My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery to honor her, I poured a fine 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.

But first I filtered it through my kidneys

What's the difference between my ex girlfriend and the Atlantic Ocean?

The Atlantic Ocean would never give me *that* many crabs.

I saw my ex-girlfriend last week

We were both at a loss for words when we saw each other. I was wondering what to say and she was wondering why I was in her apartment.

Was in court with the ex wife over who'd get the kids in the divorce, she told the judge about the time I flew into a rage a threw an enitre trifle at her

So of course she got custardy.

If I had a dollar for every person my ex cheated on me with

I'd have 60 cents

He asked: how do you f‌‌eel a‌‌bout s‌‌ex?

She replied: well I like it i‌‌nfrequently.

He said: is that o‌‌ne word or t‌‌wo?

I just got my son a flat peice of cardboard for his birthday

I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex randomly hit me up telling me she was feeling lonely and wanted some company....

No lie I kinda missed her too so I told her to come through. We hang for a bit and then she went up to go to the bathroom to "freshen up". Next thing I know this motherfucker gone and I have no toilet paper.

COVID reminds me a lot of my ex,

because my mom won't stop talking about it, and it's now responsible for quite a few infections.

My ex girlfriend used to say that her "body was a temple", what she meant by that was...

...you can't wear shoes when you're inside of her.

For your Ex

HOTEL Without 'EL' is me
HOTEL Without 'TL' is you

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My ex-gf had a dick but we had to break up

..She was a huge pain in the ass

Why is 2020 pizza delivery like my ex-girlfriend?

They both do no-contact orders!

A russian village has a tradition...

...where each year they they hold a very unusal contest, that consists of 4 challenges: First, the contestants must down a bottle of vodka, then they must swim across an icy lake, third they must shake hands with a chained up wild bear on the other side, and finally they have to run to the closest v...

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My ex-girlfriend had this really weird fetish

She used to dress up as herself and act like a fucking bitch all the time

Joke written by Bo Burnham

Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.

Then I lost my job as a driver.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The great detective Herlock Sholmes was hired to investigate the disappearance of one of the most important political figures in the nation.

He was quickly briefed on the current situation: at two in the morning, a young woman named Andrea had been captured by an unknown party. Now normally, a kidnapping wouldn’t be something to call in the great Herlock Sholmes for, but Andrea was a special case.

In the nation of Modgasia, the go...

My ex could season a fish like no other.

I miss my Old Bay.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My ex called me angrily last night and said, “Are you fucking stupid?”

I said, “No. We broke up, remember?”

I saw my ex girlfriend walking on the street

Not wanting to talk to her, I pretended to be on the phone. But she walked straight to me and said: ' are you pretending to be on the phone?'
'Excuse me,' I said to my imaginery caller, then turned to her, 'No? Why would you say something like that?'
'well your thumb is at your ear and your pi...

Saw my ex today!

Right down the middle

My ex has the body of a 19 y/o. Wanna see it? :-)

It's in the fridge.

I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife...

But I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out I’m just after my money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cheating ex hated tattoos so I decided to get a tattoo on my left boob

That was my tit for tat

I tried to re-marry my ex wife

But she figured out I was only after my money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a dog and my ex wife have in common?

They both like to shit on my lawn.

I saw my ex today.

And then I'll put all the pieces in a plastic bag.

A judge in divorce court looks at the man and says, "I'm giving your ex-wife $950 per month alimony.

Fantastic, your Honor. And I'll kick in a little something myself.

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

We should get all the ex-USSR states back together

Then we could have a Soviet re-Union

My ex just donated her eggs and got $3,000! WTF?

I donated sperm and all I got was a weird look from the Salvation Army Santa.

Xi's like the creepy stalker ex to every Chinese.

When you make comments on him, cross your fingers not to be found.

I asked my girlfriend "If Charizard fights the Dragonite, do you know who would be the winner?"

She said "My ex boyfriend if you don't grow the fcuk up"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My GF told me to name all the girls that I had sex with

I should have stopped when I reached her name

What do the stock market and my ex have in common?

Theyre both doing really well and all my friends are in them except me

My ex-girlfriend got paid under the table for her work filming "creampie" adult videos. So I alerted the IRS.

They nailed her for unreported in-come.

My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

I ran into my ex at the post office yesterday.

Now my truck needs a new paint job.

One of my friends got female to male surgery done

That’s my ex-girl friend

I missed my ex...

But I managed to hit her boyfriend right between the eyes

I stole my ex girlfriends wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

What do upholstery and Ex-Lax have in common?

They can both soften your stool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only thing my Ex hasn't fucked

is off

A genie says: I’ll grant you three wishes but whatever you wish your ex gets double

The man answers: First I want a house, second I want a car, third I want you to beat me half to death.

Arnold Schwarzenegger is starting a pest control business

It's bound to be successful, since he's an Ex-Terminator.

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments

She had a history of violins

How many is a couple?

I thought it was 2 but my boyfriend thought it was 3. Lucky for me his side chick thought it was 2. Anyway now he's our ex and we couldn't be happier!

My ex girlfriend was really into Eskimo kisses

But I just wasn’t very Inuit

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

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