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Opposing Jokes

Two blondes are on opposing sides of a river

One yells to the other “ How do I get to the other side of the river?”
Blonde two yells back “ You are on the other side ! “

Our soccer team is not too good. In the game today, the opposing team hit the bar twice in the first half.

They could have at least waited till the end of the game to celebrate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

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There are two types of people in the world: Those who walk on the side opposing traffic,

And those who walk on the side w- OH FUCK WHERE DID YOU COME FROM SLOW THE FUCK DOWN

So I posted an opposing view on r/The_Donald

[removed]

Two opposing candidates for county office...

... happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.

One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."

"Oh, really?" replied th...

There have been few historical examples of wars with three opposing sides.

One such example occurred in the 11th century, with the three belligerents being the French, the English (Anglos) and the Vikings. The rivalry between each group was quite intense, and unlike other situations, the two weaker groups at the time did not join together to fight the strongest. Instead, t...

What did the American Army General say after the first opposing casualty in the Mexican-American War?

Juan down, a million more to go.

Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.

The other is the Sith.

Did you know that, during the first game of the 1936 baseball season, the Boston Braves managed to win while also badly injuring six players on the opposing team?

They were truly ruthless.

A minor league baseball pitcher visits the baseball field the day before the big game

Wanting to get a feel for it, he goes alone and sees a horse near the dugout that seems to be wearing the hat and jersey of the opposing team he'll be playing against the next day. Surprised, he laughs and wonders if this is supposed the opposing team's mascot. He approaches the horse to pet it.
...

Honest Judge

Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, *HONEST* Judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So", the Judge said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers became uncomfortable.

"You, attorney David, gave me $50000 and you, attorney Goliath, gave me $6000...

Canadian guy, American guy, ugly woman and gorgeous woman on a train.

A Canadian guy, American guy, a ugly woman and gorgeous woman are sitting in opposing seats on a train. After some initial introductions of where they're from and where they're going, they settle in to do their own thing and basically ignore each other.

Some time later, the train enters a tu...

A blonde is walking on the bank of a wide river when

she sees another blonde on the opposing bank. The first blonde yells: "Hey! How do you get to the other side?" To which the second blonde yells back: "What are you, stupid? You are on the other side."

Budget cuts in the Army

It was near the end of basic training and all the soldiers were getting ready for the war games.
A private came charging into his Lieutenant's office and said " Lieutenant, I lost my rifle. What am I going to use for the war games?"
"I don't have time to deal with this right now" the lieutenan...

Two knights were fighting and one landed a cutting blow to the ankles.

The opposing knight was defeeted.

A judge was hearing a case between two parties.

During recess, one party approached the judge and offered a sum of money for a favorable decision. His honorable happily accepted the bribe.

When the other party knew the judge was bribed, they approached him and offered twice the amount of the opposing party. Like the first party, his honor...

In a courtroom one morning

Barry the Basher was being faced with multiple charges of aggravated battery. He had a reputation of assaulting his victims with a baseball bat.

However, the opposing legal team discovered that all of their evidence was either lost or destroyed and were not able to tie him to any of the cha...

There once was a man who was cursed to explain everything he said.

Due to this he never really talked much until one day when he signed up to talk in a debate about climate change. When it came his turn he began to speak and of course everyone noticed his speech impediment right away. A member of the opposing view interrupted him and asked “what are you doing?” The...

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

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Hamlet has to pee [Hamleak]

Quick little blurb I wrote in class:
“To pee, or not to pee, that is the question.
Whether ‘tis nobler in the bladder to suffer the slings and arrows of painful retention.
Or to take arm against a see of urine and by opposing relive it.
To go-to pee,
No more; and by a leak we say t...

The rabbi's debate

Four rabbis are arguing about the purity of an old oven. Three think it need to be purified, but the last argues it is pure.

The contrary rabbi declares, "If I'm right, then this room will prove it!" Suddenly, a large crack appears on the wall opposite to the men.

"This old place is f...

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A 'Cold War' joke I tought up today...

It's early September, 1984. Children around the world are going back to school. Despite living on opposing sides of the Iron Curtain, two Mathematics teachers, one in the United States and the other in the Soviet Union, ask their respective classes the same question.

"OK class." Said the Amer...

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