As a soldier running through the forest you don't need to be concerned about running into an adult tree..

It's the infantree that's deadly!

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

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The man started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.His gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming arouse...

It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

What’s the difference between a man running and a dog running?

A man wears trousers. A dog pants.

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.

Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

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During sex you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles.

Who the hell runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?

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A local radio station was running a competition

A local radio station was running a competition - words that weren't in the dictionary yet could still be used in sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"

Caller: "Hi, my name's Dave."

DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"<...

Why were the burger and fries running

Because they’re fast food

Hey, is your refrigerator running?

Good. I'd vote for it over Trump or Biden any day.

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Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck.

Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday’s droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants and did his business in the exact same spot in hopes of seeing how many flies he could gathe...

What kind of running means walking?

Running out of gas!

I set my burrito down on the window sill and went to get a drink. When I came back, there was a long line of ants running into my food!!

I hate sill ant row!

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A family is driving through the prairies their car when they look over and see a chicken in a field running along beside them.

They are stunned, can’t believe this chicken is keeping pace with 50 km/h! So they speed up to 60.

The chicken speeds up and is again keeping pace with their mini van. The kids are amazed and the parents are confused. So they speed up to 80.

Again the chicken keeps up! They are in disb...

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It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

So I was in my room and I saw a group of ten ants just running around frantically. I felt badly for them so I made a small house for them. out of a cardboard box.

This technically makes me their landlord and they are my.....


Tenants

A young man frantically runs up to a nun.

The young man says, "Please sister, may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later!"

The nun replies, "if it's really so important, I suppose it's alright. Just keep your eyes closed while you're under there."

The young man climbs under the nun's skirt. Just a few moments later, two s...

Did you know that Harry Potter’s favorite way of going down a hill is running?

J.k. Rowling

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Yall watch out. My lady said there is some weirdo running around the neighborhood.

She said he is offering a bottle of wine if the woman shows him her boobs.

She also says the wine taste terrible.

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Man running after the bus

Man is running after the bus and when it is obvious that he cannot make it punk shout from the window: "Hey asshole Ur pretty fucked up you are too slow". Well man stops and shout back: " yeah I'm asshole, but you are fucked up - I am the driver and forget to set handbrake"

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Helen Keller was taught the word 'water' by running her hand under a tap and tracing the word on her palm. She was taught the word 'cock' in a similar way.

That's right, the word was traced whilst she was made to stroke a rooster.

^((Get your mind out of the gutter you dirty bastards))

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

What did the Melon say to his son about running off with his girlfriend?

Son, You can't elope

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

I laughed in disbelief when I saw Kanye West was running for president.

But with his recent incoherent twitter ramblings, he seems like he is more than qualified.

Volvo has Thor’s Hammer Daytime Running Lights. For 2021, Lexus introduces Nagasaki Airbags...

You won’t even feel the impact.

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Stumbling across some lines of code you wrote in your last job, is like running into your ex

They still look good, although not perfect and showing some signs of age.

You remember the good and bad times you spent with them.

You recollect all the little mistakes you made, and wonder whether you could've done something differently.

You've learned a lot, and hope to use th...

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

Is your refrigerator running?

...can I vote for it?

What do you call a painter that loves running through grass?

Jackson Frolic

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I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chai...

Three men are out running

The first man falls down and hurts his knee. The second man instantly rushes to fetch the first aid kit. When he comes back, it turns out the third man fell as well. When the third man saw him coming, he said:

"Fetch the second aid kit too!"

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business. He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life...

One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 10 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.

A ...

So apparently Kanye West is running for president

My question is, will he let the other candidates finish their speeches?

My cop husband was trying to put our toddler down for a nap, but she wouldn’t stop running around the house.

He finally picks her up, throws her over his shoulder, and yells “stop resisting a rest!”

Two security guards bumped into each-other while running through the hallway.

It was the collision of the sentry.

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?!"

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

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A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

What do you call two thousand rabbits running in reverse?

A receding hare line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is running down the beach (long)

He's alone except he sees someone up ahead on a blanket

He sees it's a woman and she's crying. She has no arms or legs.

He stops and ask, "Why are you crying?"

She says, "I've never been hugged by a man before."

He looks up an down the beach, seeing nobody he reaches down...

A bumblebee rushes to the airport, running late for his flight

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip. He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose and unstraighte...

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

A cop pulls over a old lady for running a stop sign at an intersection.

As he approaches the car he notices 6 penguins in the back seat of her car. She rolls down the window and the cop says "Ma'am I pulled you over because you ran that stop sign back there, but now that I am here I have to say, you cant just be driving around with these penguins in your car. You shou...

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Rabbit is running through the forest

He finds giraffe about to smoke a joint. He says,
“Giraffe, don’t do drugs! Come run through the forest with me!”
Giraffe throws away his weed and follows rabbit running through the forest. They come across lion about to do a rail of cocaine. Rabbit says,
“Lion, don’t do drugs! Come run thr...

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

They’re running out of face masks in China

No big supplies there.

A traffic cop pulls over a driver for running a stop sign....

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Driver: No
Officer: You failed to stop at that stop sign
Driver: what, I slowed down that’s good enough
Officer writes him a ticket: Make sure you stop at the stop signs, have a nice day


The next day the traffic cop is at the sa...

I got pulled over for running a blinking red light. I tried to convince the officer; "hey...

I caught it between the blinks."

I u/deadroadie am declaring my official run for presidential candidacy.

If any one can claim to be running for presidential candidacy, why not throw my name into the ring. Hell, why stop there, I fully support Cujo as my Vice President because he's such a heckin good boy!

Two dogs are running through the desert

One turns to the other and says
"if we don't find a tree soon, I'm going to pee my pants"

A Christian priest in Africa being chased by a lion is running for his life....

While he is running full speed, thinking how to get away from this situation, he starts praying asking god to please turn the lion into a good Christian. He hears a voice from the sky that says: “your prayer has been answered” Suddenly the lion catches up to him and jumps him, trapping him, And mira...

Stop running around In circles...

...or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!

Source: My dad

Now that he’s running for president, did you hear about Kanye’s party?

It’s definitely not in LA

The NYPD is reporting that Antifa has painted convincing-looking tunnels on walls to trick New York's Finest into running into them at high speed

They're calling it "operation meep-meep"

Little Johnny comes running into the house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," says his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny runs back outside yelling to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

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Why are we running out of toilet paper?

Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.

What's worse than running with scissors?

Scissoring with runs.

Then the duck walked up to the lemonade stand and says to the man running, “hey” (bom bom bom)

“you never expect the spanish inquisition“

What do you call a running (not walking) dead?

A zoombie

A boy goes hysterically running to his father

Father: what's the problem dear?

Son: I just found out that ghosts are real!

Father: Nonsense! Who told you that?

Son: our maid told me that she has seen ghosts.

Father: Quick! Pack your bags! We're leaving right now!

Son: why? What happened?

Father: we don'...

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Three men are standing outside a jewellery shop looking at an expensive ring in the display window

The first man says, "That ring is perfect for Karen. I just wish I could afford it."

The second man says, "I was planning on proposing to Julie soon. She'd love that ring."

The third man says, "Okay, I'll make you both a deal. Whichever one of you gets to the bottom of the street first...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

the motor in my watch stopped running

I'm down a quartz

What is the difference between an American health care worker running out of PPE, and a Russian healthcare worker running out of PPE?

At least the American doesn't need a parachute too!

My running coach told me to increase the volume of my runs

So I unplugged the headphones and played my music from the speakers instead.

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Juggler's running late

A state trooper pulls over a speeder on the Interstate. When he asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Juggler and was running late for a show.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he w...

When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she told her mate.

“Eve, honey, you’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You know you’re the only woman on earth.”

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.

“What do you think ...

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