The 114+ Best Professional Jokes

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

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A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checki...

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So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best fri...

R. Kelly had a chance to be a professional hockey player

But he doesn't like to score after the first period

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist...

A limbo professional walks into a bar

He is immediately disqualified

My dad is a professional Russian roulette player.

He only lost once.

My wife dated a professional clown before she and I got together.

I has…some pretty big shoes to fill.

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

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Why don't professional fighters have sex the night before a big fight?

They probably don't like each other.

How do you maintain your professional network in prison?

Via LockedIn

(Not original - Saw this in a comment but can't now find it)

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I was poking fun at my wife, and I apologized after, saying I was sorry for being a professional asshole.

She just shrugged and said "Nah, mediocre at best."

What's the difference between a Cop and an IT professional?

The IT professional has troubleshooting.

What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?

They both shred footage.

(*be gentle, it's my first time.*)

TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.

Kept hitting on 17.

Professional Help

A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication. When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some...

A gorgeous woman goes to a Doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse...

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the good doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."

"Okay, It was at Walmart."

Why did life as a professional combatant in the middle ages suck?

Because you had knight shift every day.

An amateur birdwatcher and a professional ornithologist are observing the same patch of the forest floor.

There’s a break in the canopy above them, so there are dozens of birds congregated to soak up the sunlight. The scientist is eagerly taking notes and muttering to himself, “28…29…30… there’s 31 distinct species all in this one clearing! It’s amazing!”

The birdwatcher tells him, “No, they’re a...

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My best friend is a professional one-handed swimmer but an absolute showoff!

Just finish the race for fuck sake! nobody cares how many times you can swim in a circle.

My friends won't let me babysit their kids because I'm a professional comedian, but why?

I've always done a stand-up job.

My friend, Ming, told me that I would look more professional if I stop wearing my funny bow tie.

I responded, "But I am nothing without my comedic tie, Ming."

Warning: 2 professional women thieves

Guys, recently are 2 good looking women robbing people on the street, while one makes out with you, the other robs your stuff, be careful guys, i have already been robbed 6 times

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I had a professional photographer take pictures of me wiping my butt.

I always wanted to be a roll model.

[NSFW] What acronym does the professional safecracker put on his own personal safe?

\[NSFW\]

Why did the professional deadlifter have to go to the hospital after his competition?

He had a pro lapse in judgment.

If professionals make difficult tasks look easy, what do you call someone who makes easy tasks look difficult?

A coworker

I want to be a professional mirror inspector.

It's a job I can really see myself doing.

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A women wanted to spice things up in the bedroom so she went to a professional sex therapist. The Therapist went through an exhaustive list and importantly how to look sexy, which is to gently bite your lips and raise your eyebrows suggestively.

the next morning the women was in tears... she called the therapist and explained that not only did it not worked but it had completely ruin the mood. The therapist then proceeded to ask here her intimate details ( did you wear the lingerie, perfume, etc ) and could not figure out whey it didn't w...

I once dated a professional tennis player...

But I had to end it when I realised love meant nothing to her.

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How many medical professionals does it take to change alight bulb?

One nurse to check the temperature of the bulb. One GP to suspect the bulb is burnt out. One specialist to confirm the diagnosis. A surgeon and an anesthesiologist for this major organ transplant. A team of nurses and PAs to aid in the surgery. And a physical therapist to aid in the socket's recover...

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A professional singer was contacted by a priest who asked if she would sing at the funeral of a homeless man with no family, who had recently passed away.

Moved with compassion, the singer agreed. The priest informed her that, since he had no relatives or money, the man would be buried in a paupers grave in the countryside, and informed the singer she would have to drive herself. On the day of the funeral, the singer set out in her car following the d...

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I just found out my new doctor is a young, drop-dead gorgeous female! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

It's sad really, Texas has two professional football teams,

But Oklahoma doesn't have any.

I vote we move the Redskins there.

a professional pickup line

A guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting by herself at the bar. He sits next to her and, before he can say a word, she turns to him and says, "I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, for any reason." "What a coincidence," he replies. "I'm a lawyer, too."

I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but failed.

Good players are hard to find.

When I was a professional boxer I fought a bout against Lennox Lewis. In the first round, I really had him worried...

...He thought he'd killed me

My Dad was a professional magician who performed all the classic illusions. He used to practice the well-known, "Sawing a person in two" trick using us kids.

He always loved to halve his family in the act.

Kurt Cobain lived as a professional musician

...and died as an amateur painter.

I organized a dozen professional boxers to stand in a row and hit anyone that got near them

That was my best punchline ever

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

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Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...

This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medi...

What do you call a professional person, place, or thing?

A pro-noun

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

What Union do Professional Meme Artists belong to?

The Memesters

Why aren't Hawaiian greeters professional?

They are leimen.

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Emma Watson decided to quit acting to become a professional gambler. She entered her first craps tournament full of optimism.

At the start of the first round, Emma started undressing. "Why are you undressing?" asked one of her opponents. "I like to play craps completely in the nude," replied Emma.

As soon as Emma had removed the last shred of clothing, she made her bet. Then the dice were rolled. Emma watched as the...

How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker?

They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.

Four professionals.

Four friends were going out for coffee when they spotted a hooker, “the worlds oldest profession” says one. The Doctor among them said “No, My profession is the oldest. It says in the Bible that God created woman from Adam’s rib. That’s the work of a surgeon”
“Ahhhh” says the second friend, “but ...

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

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A professional hypnotist

10 years ago i went to a gig of a hypnotist. This hypnotist was the best hypnotist in the world . Instead of just hypnotizing 1 person . He said he would hypnotize the whole crowd. So he makes us all look at a watch that's been in his family for many years . Suddenly he drops it and shouts : fuck ! ...

What do you call a professional troll?

A master baiter.

I'll see myself out.

Two professional limbo players walk into a bar.

You really would’ve thought they’d have ducked.

For the first time in his professional career Tiger Woods failed to make the cut at the Arnold Palmer invitational

People are saying he just rolled over.

After a long day at a conference a group of weary professionals met up at a famous bar.

After much discussion of the awesome array of gins, vodkas, whiskeys, wines, imported beers and ales, everybody ordered alcohol except for one guy. He ordered a cup of coffee.

One of his companions asked him "no offense, but why aren't you drinking?" The coffee drinker said, "I'm a recover...

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I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

What happened to the Professional Writer who had bowel surgery?

He ended up with a semi-colon.

It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. "Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself!

Ok soot yourself.

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My friends said they'd only make porn if the women weren't professionals

Fucking amateurs

Due to lack of professional sports, ESPN televised the World Origami Championships.

It was paper view.

My career as a professional rock climber is going great, but I'm also taking a course in mattress-making.

Just so I've got something to fall back on.

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What do you call an LBGTQ+ esports professional?

Pro gaymer.

What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?

NASCAR

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

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I’m an sex addict and my wife said I should get professional help.

It’s been three happy years now, but I’m starting to think she meant a psychologist.

What's the difference between a suicidal bungee jumper and a professional one?

Where they tie the rope.

Picture two professional boxers in a boxing ring.

Why did the boxers fall down?

Because they were too large for the person wearing them.

IAMA professional bomb diffuser. Ask me anything.

edit: wow, this blew up

Why paying professionals is so expensive?

Someone had a broken pump, he tried for hours to fix it but could not. Finally, exasperated he took it to the specialist. The professional took a look at the pump, plugged it in, took out a hammer and hit it once. Immediately the pump started working.

That would be $200 he said to the custom...

If I had to box a professional athlete.

I would choose a soccer player.

I've decided to become a professional Jeffrey Epstein impersonator, don't try to talk me out of it!

I know it is career suicide.

What’s the one thing professional poker players and plumbers can agree on?

A royal flush is better than a full house

I hate how we have to be politically correct at the office. My boss said we shouldn't use the term "black" because it's not very professional.

So during coffee break, I asked him: *"How African-American do you like your coffee?"*

What do you call a professional mover with Parkinson’s disease?

A mover and a shaker

I heard the professional boxers are among the highest paid people in the world

Apparently my bosses at Amazon didn't get the memo

My Chinese friend used to be the only professional gambler in China

Which makes him the only person in China who likes to bet

A professional glass blower

A professional glass blower was training up a new team. They kept giving him the poorest quality silicates which resulted in some very cloudy pieces. So he got them all together and said, "I just need to make something perfectly clear".

If a professional piano player is a pianist..

..then a professional race player is a racist?

*rap musicians scurrying about*

What’s the Highest Level of Competition That a Semi Professional Sauerkraut Pickler Aspires To?

The Briner Leagues

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A professional fighter and a seamstress walk into a bar

The bartender asks them how their day is going. The seamstress says her day has been sew-sew. The fighter just looks beat.

The bartender takes their orders.
The seamstress orders a thimble of gin.
The fighter asks for something with some kick.

The bartender tells them a j...

What's the difference between a professional engineer and an amateur?

How quickly the product dies after the warranty period

What’s the difference between a professional drummer and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Professional taster

In a winery in Napa Valley, California, a new wine tester has just died. The president of the company worriedly published the newspaper, looking for a replacement. A mysterious drunk, ragged clothes came to apply for a job. The employer wanted to kick him drunk and go away but still wanted to test ...

I'm a professional counterfeiter.

Look, I even have the documents to prove it.

What do you call a professional unit of measurement?

Program

I used to be a professional ski athlete

It just went downhill from there

Why do professional bowlers receive more kisses than anyone else?

Because they've got the most Xs by their name.

It was so embarrassing for me that my jokes always fall flat, that I finally asked a professional comedian for help.

The guy is a genius, I'm not embarrassed anymore.

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I was a professional twice over; a therapist and an analyst.

The world’s first analrapist.

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Why do Beyblade professionals have no kids

Their pull out game is strong

Being a dentist was useful professionally.

It opened up a lot of jaws

What do you call a sarcastic canine medical professional?

A dog, duh.

Jedis make amazing IT Professionals

They can force quit anything.

Why did the company quit certifying its professionals every two months?

They got tired of all the pro-testing.

From a professional ethics exam for lawyers

You are a young lawyer. An old woman comes to you to get a will. After you're done she hands you an envelope with cash as payment. When you count the money you notice that she mistakenly put 100$ too much on the envelope. What do you do with the extra money?

A: Keep the money yourself

...

I Am A Professional Procrastinator. Ask Me Anything

I'll be back to answer your questions in a few minutes.

A karate professional is shooting a movie scene

He fails the first take, to which the director remarks, "Aren't you a professional? "

"Yeah, but this is take one though. "

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

People ask me how it's like to be a professional yoyo player

I tell them it has its ups and downs

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Met a professional sadist recently, so I asked him how he actually makes money from it.

"I sell pro-pain and pro-pain accessories."

I tried to get a job as a professional band aid remover.

But I couldn’t pull it off.

"Hello, I'm Peter, professional pickpocket."

...said the man as he handed me my business card.

What do you call it when a pregnant woman’s husband buys a new car and sleeps with his wife’s health professional?

A midwife crisis

What would Theodore Roosevelt be called if he was a professional bodybuilder?

Teddy Swolevelt.

Yes, I know it's awful, Just had to get it out of my head.

Why doesn't Columbus Ohio have a professional football team?

Because then Cincinnati and Cleveland would want one too.

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When you become a professional in a field yet you're a dirty fecker.

*Doctor*: "Please take off your clothes."

*Dentist*: "Now open wide and hold still "

*Veterinarian*: "How's your pretty pussy.?"

*Gardener*: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"

*Lawyer*: "Let's go over section 69."

*Banker*: "If you withdraw too early you lose intere...

What do you get when you cross nu metal with professional networking?

LinkedIn Park

Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA

That's to bad eh, their parents couldn't afford hockey equipment growing up.

Which US president was the first to embrace professional social networks?

Abraham LinkedIn

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied ...

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