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A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

I heard the professional boxers are among the highest paid people in the world

Apparently my bosses at Amazon didn't get the memo

What do you call a professional chef whose specialty is traditional Vietnamese dishes?

He’s the Pho King, boss!

What is the one thing a medical professional and an herbalist can agree on that will fix anything?

Thyme

My girlfriend used to date a professional clown before she met me.

I have some big shoes to fill.

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When you become a professional in a field yet you're a dirty fecker.

*Doctor*: "Please take off your clothes."

*Dentist*: "Now open wide and hold still "

*Veterinarian*: "How's your pretty pussy.?"

*Gardener*: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"

*Lawyer*: "Let's go over section 69."

*Banker*: "If you withdraw too early you lose intere...

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So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best fri...

What do professional golf players do for fun?

Do not play golf.

My idea of starting a professional Hide and Seek tournament was a total disaster.

Good players are hard to find.

Being a professional tree mover must be hard

They always have to uproot their entire operation

"Hello, I'm Peter, professional pickpocket."

...said the man as he handed me my business card.

A professional juggler

Is just someone who gets payed to play with their balls

I have this problem where I hallucinate different types of health professionals,

So I’m seeing a psychologist

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I just found out my new doctor is a young, drop-dead gorgeous female! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

What do you get when you cross a professional basketball player with a geographer?

The horses name was friday

I Am A Professional Procrastinator. Ask Me Anything

I'll be back to answer your questions in a few minutes.

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What does a professional athlete and a pornstar have in common?

They both get payed millions to play with balls.

I once entered a hotel that was hosting a professional chess tournament. There were a bunch of players bragging about how good they were to incoming guests

They were chess nuts boasting on an open foyer.

People ask me how it's like to be a professional yoyo player

I tell them it has its ups and downs

What's the difference between a professional golfer and a regular swinger?

A professional golfer tries to get a hole-in-one.

A regular swinger just tries to get one in the hole.

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

What is the difference between a professional wrapper and a professional rapper?

One is employed seasonally and the other is unemployed!

A professional boxer has to fight a rookie. Right before the match begins, the rookie exclaims ''I think I can take that guy blindfolded!''

His coach replies "But what if he is not blindfolded?"

Before he passed, my grandfather was a professional photographer.

Oh how I miss good ol papa razzi

What do you get when you cross nu metal with professional networking?

LinkedIn Park

R Kelly likes his girls like he likes his professional footballers

Young, fit, and not allowed to come out.

What do you call a professional fisher?

A master baiter.

A limbo professional walks into a bar.

He lost.

"What is your biggest weakness?" asked the interviewer.

I said, "Spiders."

He said, "Professional ones?"

I said, "I don't know, I've never seen one in a suit before."

I used to be a professional ski athlete

It just went downhill from there

What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?

NASCAR

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Professional butt dancers are just like you and I

They get up, get ready and go t’werk

If I had to box a professional athlete.

I would choose a soccer player.

Where do you get a degree in professional card games?

The Unoversity.

A king hired a professional thief

The king wants to steal the national treasure of the neighboring kingdom, something that, if he owns, he'll have the right to rule BOTH countries. He sent out a call across the land for the best, sneakiest, and most ruthless assassins, thieves, brigands, and highwaymen and stated their crimes would ...

I'm a lobotomist...

Not a professional but I'll give it a stab.

My best friend is a full-time professional sleep walker.

He's living the dream.

A professional cartoonist died the other day

The details are still a bit sketchy

*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*

That's to bad eh, their parents couldn't afford hockey equipment growing up.

I tried to be a professional blacksmith for a living...

But I was arrested for forgery.

What do you call something that gave up being a small body of running water to pursue a career in professional skateboarding?

Ex-stream

What's the definition of a Professional Farmer?

Someone out standing in their field.

It was so embarrassing for me that my jokes always fall flat, that I finally asked a professional comedian for help.

The guy is a genius, I'm not embarrassed anymore.

Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist...

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Met a professional sadist recently, so I asked him how he actually makes money from it.

"I sell pro-pain and pro-pain accessories."

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Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...

This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medi...

What’s the difference between a professional drummer and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Say what you will, but today's young professionals are the ones that will eventually find the cure for cancer. I can see the headlines now:

"Millennials Killed Cancer"

My dad is a professional Russian roulette player.

He only lost once.

What do you call a professional musician without a girlfriend or boyfriend?

Homeless.

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

The Price Difference Between An Average Telescope And A Professional One

is Astronomical.

A professional electrician hurt himself on the job...

He must've been shocked!

I met four professional coffee tasters and every one of them was a terrible person.

I don't know how they can sleep at night.

What would Theodore Roosevelt be called if he was a professional bodybuilder?

Teddy Swolevelt.








Yes, I know it's awful, Just had to get it out of my head.

What do you call an ugly professional golfer?

A Putter Face

Professional female athletes are tasty

because they're chick contenders

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What’s the difference between a professional fisherman and a teenage boy?

One’s a master baiter, the other’s a masturbator!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Amateur challenged a professional wrestler to a match.

As soon as the match started it was obvious that the professional was just toying with the amateur, it wasn’t even a challenge for him. Eventually he decided it was time to end the match, so he tied the amateur in an incredible knot. Hope was almost lost for the amateur, then he saw an opportunity, ...

TIL Donald Trump personally built the barn for his daughters horses, and apparently he did a better job than most professional barn raisers do.

Guess you could say that makes him a stable Genius.

I tried my hand at being a professional scarecrow for a short while...

The pay was rubbish, even though I was out standing in my field.

What do you call a sarcastic canine medical professional?

A dog, duh.

There was once a professional French soccer team whose players were all ducks

Named Le Tariat, they were so good that all other teams were amateur by comparison. This led to a lot of resentment, and the other teams all shunned them. While most simply ignored them, a few were very mean about it.

Le Tariat hatched a plan to kidnap the meanest of the players who were sh...

I booked a session with a professional insulter.

It was a dis appointment.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely sil...

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A professional photographer with a 10' penis was caught revealing himself to passers by on a busy high street yesterday

He's been arrested and charged for the long exposure.

What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?

They both shred footage.



(*be gentle, it's my first time.*)

A professional ice-sculptor files for bankruptcy...

Time for him to liquidate his assets

Why did medical professionals come up with the term PMS?

Mad cow disease was already taken.

Professional Practical Jokes on the Groom

A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.

"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love,...

I'm not a professional caddy or anything....

but I think Tiger Woods probably should've used a driver.

BREAKING: Professional Bowlers go on Strike.

Let's spare them our thoughts.

A database professional walks into a bar

And joins two tables.

A Professional

A man takes a taxi home after a long night of work
The taxi runs a red light
The man says "Be careful, we could've gotten in an accident!"
The driver replies "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi runs another red light
The man tells him to pay attention
The driver answers "Don...

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A professional gambler is being audited by the IRS

The old gambler man walks into the meeting with his lawyer. The IRS agent tells him he can't make all these write offs for gambling loses unless he can prove he is a professional gambler.

The old man says "alright, how about I bet you $10,000 I can bite my eye".

The agent thinks 'the...

Why can't the professional origamist handle stress?

Because he folds under pressure.

What did the professional diving roach say to his captain right before being lost to the sea?

Suffocation, no breathing, this is my last report.

The quickest way to become a millionaire is to become a professional race car driver...

You just need to start off as a billionaire

What’s the difference between an IT professional and a polygamist?

The IT guy has two computers in case one goes down, the polygamist has two wives in case one doesn’t.

I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help.

I told her I don't have the money to hire a hitman.

Why was the IT professional's wife so frustrated?

Because he kept turning her off then on again.

A professional golfer was...

angry when a man claimed his gorilla played better golf than the pro did. Betting $10,000 to prove it, the pro teed up on a par five and hit a beautiful shot down the centre of the green.

The man pulled his gorilla out of a cage and handed him a club. Pointing to the where the hole was, he ...

Keep away from professional dermatologists..

They make rash decisions

I recently started remodeling my house and quickly got in over my head, so I decided to get some professional help.

I also hired a contractor to work on my house.

What happened to Jesus when he tried to play defense on a professional Basketball player?

He got crossed.

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Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.......

......for many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.


After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave...

Screw this! I'm going to leave the original joke making to the professionals!

Dane Cook...

Amy Schumer...

Carlos Mencia...

How many IT professionals does it take to change a lightbulb?

Have you tried turning it off and back on?

I'm thinking of changing career and becoming a professional circumciser. . .

The pay is lousy, but I hear you get plenty of tips.

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Not mine, but a goodie I like to tell. It takes a second after you finish to get it.

3 Guys, Bob, John and Steve go out for a round of golf. When they get to the 1st tee they see a guy standing there. The guy notices them and says "Oh hey guys sorry my party didn't show umm do you mind if I join in with you?" The 3 guys agree to let him join.
After a few holes the guys get curi...

What professional hates going to the bar?

A lawyer

What do you call a group of medical professionals who navigate around the Horn of Africa without being accosted by pirates?

Doctors without boarders.

What do you call two healthcare professionals hanging out?

A paramedics.

What do you call a semi-professional proctologist?

Someone doing a half-assed job.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

What do you call a retired professional swimmer?

Washed up.

Having only ever competed in the 100m dash, what did the professional sprinter say after his first 200m race?

I've finally turned a corner in my career.

Hi everyone, I'd like to announce that I'm dating my very first professional model...

she's a 'before' model, can't wait to see how she'll turn out!

Stacy wanted to keep our relationship professional

That's when I knew she was a prostitute.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do professional boxers not have sex the night before a big fight?

Because they don't like each other very much.