I am trying to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it is turning out to be really difficult.

Good players are hard to find.

What’s the diagnosis most psychiatric professionals give to doomsday preppers?

Stock home Syndrome

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So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are
you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup"

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss...".

"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is
having an affair with my b...

From a professional ethics exam for lawyers

You are a young lawyer. An old woman comes to you to get a will. After you're done she hands you an envelope with cash as payment. When you count the money you notice that she mistakenly put 100$ too much on the envelope. What do you do with the extra money?

A: Keep the money yourself

...

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A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

Why doesn't Columbus Ohio have a professional football team?

Because then Cincinnati and Cleveland would want one too.

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I went to the doctor...

I went to see the doctor the other day. Turns out my new doctor is a drop dead gorgeous brunette.

I was embarrassed but she said “don’t worry, I’m a professional - I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.”

I said “my wife thinks my dick tastes funny.”

A karate professional is shooting a movie scene

He fails the first take, to which the director remarks, "Aren't you a professional? "

"Yeah, but this is take one though. "

Why do Beyblade professionals have no kids

Their pull out game is strong

Did you know R Kelly had a chance to be a professional Hockey player.

Only problem was he never wanted to score after the first period.

I once dated a professional tennis player...

But I had to end it when I realised love meant nothing to her.

I tried to get a job as a professional band aid remover.

But I couldn’t pull it off.

What is the one thing that professional poker players & plumbers can agree on?

A royal flush is better than a full house.

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Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

A professional glass blower

A professional glass blower was training up a new team. They kept giving him the poorest quality silicates which resulted in some very cloudy pieces. So he got them all together and said, "I just need to make something perfectly clear".

What do you call it when a pregnant woman’s husband buys a new car and sleeps with his wife’s health professional?

A midwife crisis

Why do all professional sperm donors go crazy?

Cause it’s a nut job

Circumcision is a serious operation that should be discussed at length between parents and health care professionals.

I couldn’t walk for an entire year after I got mine

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Did you hear about Dolly Parton's husband becoming a professional sperm doner?

* He's jerkin' 9 to 5, what a way to make a living.



(I made this up and i'm kinda proud' feel free to spread it around the globe try it on your friend / spouse now and tell me if it got a smile / laugh - or a slow head shake and a sigh)

My girlfriend used to date a professional clown before she met me.

I have some big shoes to fill.

I heard the professional boxers are among the highest paid people in the world

Apparently my bosses at Amazon didn't get the memo

A professional limbo player walked into a bar

He was disqualified

What do you get when you cross a professional basketball player with a geographer?

The horses name was friday

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When you become a professional in a field yet you're a dirty fecker.

*Doctor*: "Please take off your clothes."

*Dentist*: "Now open wide and hold still "

*Veterinarian*: "How's your pretty pussy.?"

*Gardener*: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"

*Lawyer*: "Let's go over section 69."

*Banker*: "If you withdraw too early you lose intere...

I Am A Professional Procrastinator. Ask Me Anything

I'll be back to answer your questions in a few minutes.

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I was a professional twice over; a therapist and an analyst.

The world’s first analrapist.

What is the one thing a medical professional and an herbalist can agree on that will fix anything?

Thyme

What do you call a professional chef whose specialty is traditional Vietnamese dishes?

He’s the Pho King, boss!

A man is sitting in a bar looking sad....

(friend of mine told me this forever ago. I'm sure its been posted here before)

The bartender asks, “Why you so down?”

Man replies, “Well, no girls will talk to me because I have this wooden eye and it freaks them out.”

Bartender thinks for a moment, “See that cute girl sitting ...

How the government works

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he a...

Guy walks into a bar...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent....

Bro: So how is your new job at the hospital?

Me: I got fired. They didn't appreciate my professional IT knowledge.

Bro: That sucks man.

 

 

Earlier at the hospital,

Me: (Pointing at life support system) Have you tried to turn it ON and OFF again.

What do professional golf players do for fun?

Do not play golf.

A man goes to a job interview

A man goes to a job interview and presents himself well. The interviewers are really impressed by how professional he is."Wow! You have an amazing resume and you present yourself fantastically but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume, what happened there?" Asked an interviewer....

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink.

As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”


The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a...

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An 80 year old man arrives at his doctors appointment

He sits down and the doctor proceeds to do his normal routine.

*Doctor:* So how are things going lately?

*Man:* Pretty good. I got married to a 20 year old last week.

The doctor is taken a little bit back by that statement, but continues being professional.

*Doctor:* That...

I have this problem where I hallucinate different types of health professionals,

So I’m seeing a psychologist

"Hello, I'm Peter, professional pickpocket."

...said the man as he handed me my business card.

An old Team Fortress 2 joke. Probably applicable to a few other team shooters, too.

The Heavy Weapons Guy woke up one morning to a bit of distress. His stomach was tied up in knots, forcing him into the bathroom for much of the day. After a few hours of this painful nonsense, he sought out the Medic for some professional advice.

"Ah," the Medic exclaimed in his exaggerated...

A professional juggler

Is just someone who gets payed to play with their balls

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Did you know the average age of a professional curler is 45? Pretty much making the sport immune from performance enhancing drugs...

Unless they start testing for Viagra. Then the sport would be between a ROCK and a HARD PLACE.

People ask me how it's like to be a professional yoyo player

I tell them it has its ups and downs

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What does a professional athlete and a pornstar have in common?

They both get payed millions to play with balls.

R Kelly likes his girls like he likes his professional footballers

Young, fit, and not allowed to come out.

I once entered a hotel that was hosting a professional chess tournament. There were a bunch of players bragging about how good they were to incoming guests

They were chess nuts boasting on an open foyer.

If you vaccinate your children, you're stupid.

Let a doctor do it, hes a professional.

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist...

What do you get when you cross nu metal with professional networking?

LinkedIn Park

What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?

NASCAR

TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.

Kept hitting on 17.

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Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...

This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medi...

I used to be a professional ski athlete

It just went downhill from there

If I had to box a professional athlete.

I would choose a soccer player.

*Enters ugly contest*

Judge: Sorry, no professionals

What is the difference between a professional wrapper and a professional rapper?

One is employed seasonally and the other is unemployed!

A professional boxer has to fight a rookie. Right before the match begins, the rookie exclaims ''I think I can take that guy blindfolded!''

His coach replies "But what if he is not blindfolded?"

My dad is a professional Russian roulette player.

He only lost once.

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A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.

As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professio...

My best friend is a full-time professional sleep walker.

He's living the dream.

What do you call a professional fisher?

A master baiter.

*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*

That's to bad eh, their parents couldn't afford hockey equipment growing up.

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

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Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

What’s the difference between a professional drummer and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

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Professional butt dancers are just like you and I

They get up, get ready and go t’werk

Where do you get a degree in professional card games?

The Unoversity.

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Met a professional sadist recently, so I asked him how he actually makes money from it.

"I sell pro-pain and pro-pain accessories."

A professional cartoonist died the other day

The details are still a bit sketchy

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A king hired a professional thief

The king wants to steal the national treasure of the neighboring kingdom, something that, if he owns, he'll have the right to rule BOTH countries. He sent out a call across the land for the best, sneakiest, and most ruthless assassins, thieves, brigands, and highwaymen and stated their crimes would ...

What do you call professionals trolls?

Master baiters

What's the definition of a Professional Farmer?

Someone out standing in their field.

Say what you will, but today's young professionals are the ones that will eventually find the cure for cancer. I can see the headlines now:

"Millennials Killed Cancer"

What do you call something that gave up being a small body of running water to pursue a career in professional skateboarding?

Ex-stream

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A lady walks into Tiffany's...

A lady walks into Tiffany's...she looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little toot and prays that a salesperso...

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"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse.

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over 20 years I've never laughed at a patient."

"OK then," said Bob who then proceeded to drop his pants, revealing the smallest penis the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
...

What do you call a professional musician without a girlfriend or boyfriend?

Homeless.

What would Theodore Roosevelt be called if he was a professional bodybuilder?

Teddy Swolevelt.








Yes, I know it's awful, Just had to get it out of my head.

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Doctors of reddit - who is that one patient you really wish you'd seen again?

It was actually during my junior year. A man, about 50, came in with walking difficulties - you could tell he was really struggling when he arrived at the surgery and even looked uncomfortable when he sat down. I was expecting a leg, hip or even back complaint but once the door was shut he admitted ...

What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?

They both shred footage.



(*be gentle, it's my first time.*)

The Price Difference Between An Average Telescope And A Professional One

is Astronomical.

I met four professional coffee tasters and every one of them was a terrible person.

I don't know how they can sleep at night.

What do you call a sarcastic canine medical professional?

A dog, duh.

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A professional photographer with a 10' penis was caught revealing himself to passers by on a busy high street yesterday

He's been arrested and charged for the long exposure.

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What’s the difference between a professional fisherman and a teenage boy?

One’s a master baiter, the other’s a masturbator!

Professional female athletes are tasty

because they're chick contenders

What do you call an ugly professional golfer?

A Putter Face

Bed monsters

A guy had a fear that there was a monster living under his bed, and he decided to seek professional help. During the consultation, the shrink told him his situation was unusual but not unheard of. He can be cured, but it would take at minimum 6 session at $250 each.

The guy declined citing t...

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Three school friends are discussing their post-graduation lives.

The first says, "I'm a Yuppie. A Young, Urban, Professional."

The second says, "I'm a DINK. Get it? 'Double Income, No Kids.'"

The third, a homemaker, pauses, then says, "Oh yeah? Well I'm a WIFE. Get it? 'Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.?'"

Sometimes you have to step on people's toes if you want to progress in life.

Unless you hope to be a professional ballroom dancer.

I tried my hand at being a professional scarecrow for a short while...

The pay was rubbish, even though I was out standing in my field.

A Doctor is running errands around town when a mugger with a knife stabs and robs him...

A bystander runs up to the injured Doctor and says:

"You're bleeding out, let me stitch your wound"

to which the Doctor says "I'm a Medical Professional, I can handle it alone"

"Fine, suture self"

TIL Donald Trump personally built the barn for his daughters horses, and apparently he did a better job than most professional barn raisers do.

Guess you could say that makes him a stable Genius.

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Doctor’s checkup

A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window.

He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says, "Do you know what I am doing?" he replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities."

He tells h...

There was once a professional French soccer team whose players were all ducks

Named Le Tariat, they were so good that all other teams were amateur by comparison. This led to a lot of resentment, and the other teams all shunned them. While most simply ignored them, a few were very mean about it.

Le Tariat hatched a plan to kidnap the meanest of the players who were sh...

I will never Vaccinate my children. It's not safe

I'd rather go to a professional doctor to vaccinate them for me.

Professional Practical Jokes on the Groom

A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.

"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love,...

I'm not a professional caddy or anything....

but I think Tiger Woods probably should've used a driver.

I booked a session with a professional insulter.

It was a dis appointment.

A Professional

A man takes a taxi home after a long night of work
The taxi runs a red light
The man says "Be careful, we could've gotten in an accident!"
The driver replies "Don't worry I'm a professional."
The taxi runs another red light
The man tells him to pay attention
The driver answers "Don...

Why did medical professionals come up with the term PMS?

Mad cow disease was already taken.

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Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…

I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us b...

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Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory.......

......for many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.


After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave...

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A professional gambler is being audited by the IRS

The old gambler man walks into the meeting with his lawyer. The IRS agent tells him he can't make all these write offs for gambling loses unless he can prove he is a professional gambler.

The old man says "alright, how about I bet you $10,000 I can bite my eye".

The agent thinks 'the...

BREAKING: Professional Bowlers go on Strike.

Let's spare them our thoughts.

Why can't the professional origamist handle stress?

Because he folds under pressure.

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