Professional Jokes - 109 Hilarious Professional Jokes

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

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A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

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So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best fri...

R. Kelly had a chance to be a professional hockey player

But he doesn't like to score after the first period

I wanted to become a professional sperm donor

I already had my slogan ready: "Wait till you get a load of this guy!"

On my Tinder profile it says I'm a professional boxer....

Sounds better than saying I work in the packaging department at an Amazon warehouse

A limbo professional walks into a bar

He is immediately disqualified

Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist...

My dad is a professional Russian roulette player.

He only lost once.

Professional Help

A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication. When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some...

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

My wife dated a professional clown before she and I got together.

I has…some pretty big shoes to fill.

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checki...

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Sitting on the examination table, a man says “D-D-Doctor I have a t-terrible st-t-utter and it ruins my p-p-professional and p-p-personal life.”

The doctor checks him out almost everywhere but sees no problem.

He says “take off your pants for me”.

The man hesitates but abides.

The doctor inspects him and says “I see! Your penis is about 6 inches too long, it’s pulling on your vocal chords and causing you to stutter”. ...

How do you maintain your professional network in prison?

Via LockedIn

(Not original - Saw this in a comment but can't now find it)

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Why don't professional fighters have sex the night before a big fight?

They probably don't like each other.

What's the difference between a Cop and an IT professional?

The IT professional has troubleshooting.

How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker?

They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?

They both shred footage.

(*be gentle, it's my first time.*)

Warning: 2 professional women thieves

Guys, recently are 2 good looking women robbing people on the street, while one makes out with you, the other robs your stuff, be careful guys, i have already been robbed 6 times

Why did life as a professional combatant in the middle ages suck?

Because you had knight shift every day.

TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.

Kept hitting on 17.

I once dated a professional tennis player...

But I had to end it when I realised love meant nothing to her.

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My best friend is a professional one-handed swimmer but an absolute showoff!

Just finish the race for fuck sake! nobody cares how many times you can swim in a circle.

a professional pickup line

A guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting by herself at the bar. He sits next to her and, before he can say a word, she turns to him and says, "I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, for any reason." "What a coincidence," he replies. "I'm a lawyer, too."

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I was poking fun at my wife, and I apologized after, saying I was sorry for being a professional asshole.

She just shrugged and said "Nah, mediocre at best."

An amateur birdwatcher and a professional ornithologist are observing the same patch of the forest floor.

There’s a break in the canopy above them, so there are dozens of birds congregated to soak up the sunlight. The scientist is eagerly taking notes and muttering to himself, “28…29…30… there’s 31 distinct species all in this one clearing! It’s amazing!”

The birdwatcher tells him, “No, they’re a...

Four professionals.

Four friends were going out for coffee when they spotted a hooker, “the worlds oldest profession” says one. The Doctor among them said “No, My profession is the oldest. It says in the Bible that God created woman from Adam’s rib. That’s the work of a surgeon”
“Ahhhh” says the second friend, “but ...

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

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A professional hypnotist

10 years ago i went to a gig of a hypnotist. This hypnotist was the best hypnotist in the world . Instead of just hypnotizing 1 person . He said he would hypnotize the whole crowd. So he makes us all look at a watch that's been in his family for many years . Suddenly he drops it and shouts : fuck ! ...

Kurt Cobain lived as a professional musician

...and died as an amateur painter.

Professional taster

In a winery in Napa Valley, California, a new wine tester has just died. The president of the company worriedly published the newspaper, looking for a replacement. A mysterious drunk, ragged clothes came to apply for a job. The employer wanted to kick him drunk and go away but still wanted to test ...

I want to be a professional mirror inspector.

It's a job I can really see myself doing.

My friends won't let me babysit their kids because I'm a professional comedian, but why?

I've always done a stand-up job.

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I had a professional photographer take pictures of me wiping my butt.

I always wanted to be a roll model.

It's sad really, Texas has two professional football teams,

But Oklahoma doesn't have any.

I vote we move the Redskins there.

Why aren't Hawaiian greeters professional?

They are leimen.

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How many medical professionals does it take to change alight bulb?

One nurse to check the temperature of the bulb. One GP to suspect the bulb is burnt out. One specialist to confirm the diagnosis. A surgeon and an anesthesiologist for this major organ transplant. A team of nurses and PAs to aid in the surgery. And a physical therapist to aid in the socket's recover...

[NSFW] What acronym does the professional safecracker put on his own personal safe?

\[NSFW\]

I'm a professional counterfeiter.

Look, I even have the documents to prove it.

My friend, Ming, told me that I would look more professional if I stop wearing my funny bow tie.

I responded, "But I am nothing without my comedic tie, Ming."

What Union do Professional Meme Artists belong to?

The Memesters

A professional glass blower

A professional glass blower was training up a new team. They kept giving him the poorest quality silicates which resulted in some very cloudy pieces. So he got them all together and said, "I just need to make something perfectly clear".

I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but failed.

Good players are hard to find.

Two professional limbo players walk into a bar.

You really would’ve thought they’d have ducked.

What is the difference between a professional wrapper and a professional rapper?

One is employed seasonally and the other is unemployed!

Why paying professionals is so expensive?

Someone had a broken pump, he tried for hours to fix it but could not. Finally, exasperated he took it to the specialist. The professional took a look at the pump, plugged it in, took out a hammer and hit it once. Immediately the pump started working.

That would be $200 he said to the custom...

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After Dennis DeYoung left Styx, he became a professional gambler. He did particularly well at craps...

He was rockin' the pair o' dice!

What do you call a professional person, place, or thing?

A pro-noun

If professionals make difficult tasks look easy, what do you call someone who makes easy tasks look difficult?

A coworker

A professional juggler

Is just someone who gets payed to play with their balls

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What do you call an LBGTQ+ esports professional?

Pro gaymer.

Jedis make amazing IT Professionals

They can force quit anything.

If I had to box a professional athlete.

I would choose a soccer player.

What happened to the Professional Writer who had bowel surgery?

He ended up with a semi-colon.

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Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...

This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medi...

"Hello, I'm Peter, professional pickpocket."

...said the man as he handed me my business card.

If a professional piano player is a pianist..

..then a professional race player is a racist?

*rap musicians scurrying about*

My girlfriend is a professional contortionist.

Now she really loves her job and most of the time she comes home with a big smile on face.
However yesterday was really rough on her and so this morning I asked if she'd gotten everything straightened out.

She said "I have knot."

A gorgeous woman goes to a Doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse...

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the good doctor. "Our communication is privileged; I won't tell anyone."

"Okay, It was at Walmart."

Being a dentist was useful professionally.

It opened up a lot of jaws

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Professionalism

Fully Nude Lady gets into taxi, Driver looks at her top to bottom repeatedly..

Lady asks, "Haven't u ever seen a naked woman before?"
Driver: It's not that, I'm just wondering where have you kept the money to pay me..

I used to be a professional ski athlete

It just went downhill from there

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied ...

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Why do Beyblade professionals have no kids

Their pull out game is strong

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My friends said they'd only make porn if the women weren't professionals

Fucking amateurs

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I used to circumsize professionally...

Then I got the sack

I Am A Professional Procrastinator. Ask Me Anything

I'll be back to answer your questions in a few minutes.

What do you call a professional unit of measurement?

Program

Due to lack of professional sports, ESPN televised the World Origami Championships.

It was paper view.

From a professional ethics exam for lawyers

You are a young lawyer. An old woman comes to you to get a will. After you're done she hands you an envelope with cash as payment. When you count the money you notice that she mistakenly put 100$ too much on the envelope. What do you do with the extra money?

A: Keep the money yourself

...

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A professional fighter and a seamstress walk into a bar

The bartender asks them how their day is going. The seamstress says her day has been sew-sew. The fighter just looks beat.

The bartender takes their orders.
The seamstress orders a thimble of gin.
The fighter asks for something with some kick.

The bartender tells them a j...

A karate professional is shooting a movie scene

He fails the first take, to which the director remarks, "Aren't you a professional? "

"Yeah, but this is take one though. "

What's the difference between a professional engineer and an amateur?

How quickly the product dies after the warranty period

I organized a dozen professional boxers to stand in a row and hit anyone that got near them

That was my best punchline ever

What do you call a sarcastic canine medical professional?

A dog, duh.

A professional golfer was...

angry when a man claimed his gorilla played better golf than the pro did. Betting $10,000 to prove it, the pro teed up on a par five and hit a beautiful shot down the centre of the green.

The man pulled his gorilla out of a cage and handed him a club. Pointing to the where the hole was, he ...

Keep away from professional dermatologists..

They make rash decisions

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My coworker came up to me yesterday and said he had a question for me

He asked, “Imagine you walk into a room with 50 naked dudes. How many of their penises would you choke on?”

“What the hell?” I reply “None of them!”

“Oh so you’re a professional?”

I'm not a professional caddy or anything....

but I think Tiger Woods probably should've used a driver.

What do you call a professional mover with Parkinson’s disease?

A mover and a shaker

When I told everyone I was gonna become a professional stand up comedian, they all laughed…

Well, they’re not laughing now!

What's the difference between a suicidal bungee jumper and a professional one?

Where they tie the rope.

My Chinese friend used to be the only professional gambler in China

Which makes him the only person in China who likes to bet

Why do professional bowlers receive more kisses than anyone else?

Because they've got the most Xs by their name.

Professional female athletes are tasty

because they're chick contenders

BREAKING: Professional Bowlers go on Strike.

Let's spare them our thoughts.

Professional Practical Jokes on the Groom

A dentist, an electrician, and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night.

"I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love,...

What do professional golf players do for fun?

Do not play golf.

Why do all professional sperm donors go crazy?

Cause it’s a nut job

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An engineer goes to hell

A professional engineer dies and because of some misfiled paperwork, ends up in hell. Trudging through the sweltering heat, eventually he comes across Satan and says, "You know, with a little work, we can probably cool this place off..." At first, Satan is enraged and prepares to unleash fury on thi...

Why doesn't Columbus Ohio have a professional football team?

Because then Cincinnati and Cleveland would want one too.

A professional cartoonist died the other day

The details are still a bit sketchy

What’s the one thing professional poker players and plumbers can agree on?

A royal flush is better than a full house

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I’m an sex addict and my wife said I should get professional help.

It’s been three happy years now, but I’m starting to think she meant a psychologist.

What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?

NASCAR

What’s the difference between a professional drummer and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

What do you call a professional fisher?

A master baiter.

What's the definition of a Professional Farmer?

Someone out standing in their field.

Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA

That's to bad eh, their parents couldn't afford hockey equipment growing up.

Where does an IT Professional buy his agricutural produce?

At the Server-Farm.

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Only certain professionals can get away saying these

Doctor : Please take off your clothes...!!!

Dentist : Now open wide and hold still...!!!

Veterinarian : How's your pretty pussy...!!!

Gardener : Want me to fertilize your bush...???

Lawyer : Let's go over section 69...!!!

Banker : If you withdraw too early you lose...

I heard the professional boxers are among the highest paid people in the world

Apparently my bosses at Amazon didn't get the memo

When I was a professional boxer I fought a bout against Lennox Lewis. In the first round, I really had him worried...

...He thought he'd killed me

What do you call professionals trolls?

Master baiters

A professional ice-sculptor files for bankruptcy...

Time for him to liquidate his assets

Before becoming Pop stars, the Bee Gees used to be professional chefs.

You could tell by the way they used their wok.

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Emma Watson decided to quit acting to become a professional gambler. She entered her first craps tournament full of optimism.

At the start of the first round, Emma started undressing. "Why are you undressing?" asked one of her opponents. "I like to play craps completely in the nude," replied Emma.

As soon as Emma had removed the last shred of clothing, she made her bet. Then the dice were rolled. Emma watched as the...

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