Whats the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?

An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please."

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

What do you call a professional mover with Parkinson’s disease?

A mover and a shaker

Being a dentist was useful professionally.

It opened up a lot of jaws

If a professional piano player is a pianist..

..then a professional race player is a racist?

*rap musicians scurrying about*

I hate how we have to be politically correct at the office. My boss said we shouldn't use the term "black" because it's not very professional.

So during coffee break, I asked him: *"How African-American do you like your coffee?"*

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I’m an sex addict and my wife said I should get professional help.

It’s been three happy years now, but I’m starting to think she meant a psychologist.

It's time now America brought their retired professionals back to sort out this virus mess...

Like doctors, nurses, Barack Obama. ..

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

What's the difference between a professional engineer and an amateur?

How quickly the product dies after the warranty period

What do you call a professional unit of measurement?

Program

A professional limbo player walks into a bar,

He was disqualified

What's the difference between a suicidal bungee jumper and a professional one?

Where they tie the rope.

It's sad really, Texas has two professional football teams,

But Oklahoma doesn't have any.

I vote we move the Redskins there.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

I've decided to become a professional Jeffrey Epstein impersonator, don't try to talk me out of it!

I know it is career suicide.

Professional taster

In a winery in Napa Valley, California, a new wine tester has just died. The president of the company worriedly published the newspaper, looking for a replacement. A mysterious drunk, ragged clothes came to apply for a job. The employer wanted to kick him drunk and go away but still wanted to test ...

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What do you call an LBGTQ+ esports professional?

Pro gaymer.

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So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are
you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup"

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss...".

"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is
having an affair with my b...

Jedis make amazing IT Professionals

They can force quit anything.

Why did the company quit certifying its professionals every two months?

They got tired of all the pro-testing.

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A professional fighter and a seamstress walk into a bar

The bartender asks them how their day is going. The seamstress says her day has been sew-sew. The fighter just looks beat.


The bartender takes their orders.
The seamstress orders a thimble of gin.
The fighter asks for something with some kick.


The bartender tells them a j...

My professional Hide and Seek tournament was a complete failure.

Good players are hard to find.

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How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

17 purists who use candles and...

It was difficult growing up with a mother that was a professional dominatrix.

Every time I got in trouble she would spank me, and then charge me $200.

Why do professional bowlers receive more kisses than anyone else?

Because they've got the most Xs by their name.

Before becoming Pop stars, the Bee Gees used to be professional chefs.

You could tell by the way they used their wok.

What’s the diagnosis most psychiatric professionals give to doomsday preppers?

Stock home Syndrome

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A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

I'm a professional counterfeiter.

Look, I even have the documents to prove it.

A man walks into a brothel and speaks to the Old Madame up front.

The Madame asks “What kind of girl would you like?”

The man says, “Well looks aren’t important, I just need a girl who’ll say yes to anything. And I mean anything.”

“Well that shouldn’t be too hard,” chuckled the Madame. “Jennifer! Come over and help this man here.” And with that, a go...

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The hitman on the golf course (Slightly NSFW)

Three friends (whom we'll call Bill, Fred and Joe) are playing a round of golf when a stranger walks up to them and asks if he can join them.

They agree and discover that the man is a friendly type and they all get chatting. Eventually they all get talking about their jobs and the man reveals...

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A businessman met with the hitman on the rooftop as planned

"Look at those bastards cheating on me, in my own bedroom!" The businessman picked up a monocular and looked into the house across the street. "Like I said on the phone,I want them to die slowly.Shoot the fucker on the dick or something."

"No problem." The hitman set up the sniper rifle and l...

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The new nurse on the scene

A suspected Covid-19 patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse arrives to give him a quick sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,...

I once dated a professional tennis player...

But I had to end it when I realised love meant nothing to her.

From a professional ethics exam for lawyers

You are a young lawyer. An old woman comes to you to get a will. After you're done she hands you an envelope with cash as payment. When you count the money you notice that she mistakenly put 100$ too much on the envelope. What do you do with the extra money?

A: Keep the money yourself

...

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Quick Question Guys. Is it "for fucks sake" or "for fuck sake"?

It's for a work email so it needs to sound professional.

Did you know R Kelly had a chance to be a professional Hockey player.

Only problem was he never wanted to score after the first period.

A priest, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath.

The psychopath says "I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you."

The priest says a short prayer, kisses his cross, and holds the snake. It bites him, and he fal...

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Why do Beyblade professionals have no kids

Their pull out game is strong

Blonde joke walks into a bar.

A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says; “Do you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?” The big woman replies; “Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I’m blond, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I’m a professional triathlete and...

Why doesn't Columbus Ohio have a professional football team?

Because then Cincinnati and Cleveland would want one too.

A karate professional is shooting a movie scene

He fails the first take, to which the director remarks, "Aren't you a professional? "

"Yeah, but this is take one though. "

A professional glass blower

A professional glass blower was training up a new team. They kept giving him the poorest quality silicates which resulted in some very cloudy pieces. So he got them all together and said, "I just need to make something perfectly clear".

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A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.

She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right ...

What is the one thing that professional poker players & plumbers can agree on?

A royal flush is better than a full house.

I tried to get a job as a professional band aid remover.

But I couldn’t pull it off.

In a interview, my boss asked me, "Why do you think you should work here?"

I said, "My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I then tried crushing cans for recycling, but I quit because it was soda-pressing....

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I just found out my new doctor is a young, drop-dead gorgeous female! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

Which US president was the first to embrace professional social networks?

Abraham LinkedIn

My girlfriend used to date a professional clown before she met me.

I have some big shoes to fill.

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

What do you call it when a pregnant woman’s husband buys a new car and sleeps with his wife’s health professional?

A midwife crisis

The Time Keeper, The Clock Maker, and The Bell Ringer

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon

When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off

Wanting ...

I heard the professional boxers are among the highest paid people in the world

Apparently my bosses at Amazon didn't get the memo

I hate when I turn on my computer at work

And it says loading your personal settings.

I'm like "Woah, this is strictly a professional relationship".

Why do all professional sperm donors go crazy?

Cause it’s a nut job

Circumcision is a serious operation that should be discussed at length between parents and health care professionals.

I couldn’t walk for an entire year after I got mine

What do you get when you cross a professional basketball player with a geographer?

The horses name was friday

I was trying to self diagnose my skin condition by using WebMD...

...then I thought, without professional advice its best not to make any rash decisions.

I Am A Professional Procrastinator. Ask Me Anything

I'll be back to answer your questions in a few minutes.

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Did you hear about Dolly Parton's husband becoming a professional sperm doner?

* He's jerkin' 9 to 5, what a way to make a living.



(I made this up and i'm kinda proud' feel free to spread it around the globe try it on your friend / spouse now and tell me if it got a smile / laugh - or a slow head shake and a sigh)

Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist...

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar...

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar, the barman is puzzled, but remains professional.

“What would you like gents?” The barman asks, “just a beer thanks” the man replies. “I’ll have a lemonade with a slice please” says the ostrich,”AND I’LL HAVE A F**KING RUM & COKE!” Shouts the ca...

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When you become a professional in a field yet you're a dirty fecker.

*Doctor*: "Please take off your clothes."

*Dentist*: "Now open wide and hold still "

*Veterinarian*: "How's your pretty pussy.?"

*Gardener*: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"

*Lawyer*: "Let's go over section 69."

*Banker*: "If you withdraw too early you lose intere...

A mixed blessing...

Many professionals are getting hurt by this quarantine, but at least hookers aren’t getting screwed!

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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo

The place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice... "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Ama...

I have this problem where I hallucinate different types of health professionals,

So I’m seeing a psychologist

TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.

Kept hitting on 17.

What is the one thing a medical professional and an herbalist can agree on that will fix anything?

Thyme

What do you call a professional chef whose specialty is traditional Vietnamese dishes?

He’s the Pho King, boss!

My dad is a professional Russian roulette player.

He only lost once.

[long] My company is locked down and I am required to work from home

I'm used to working in an open office space so this is a huge change for me. In order to make the transition as easy as possible, I have prepared my home office so remind me of work.

* I've purchased a piece of Limburger cheese and placed it on a plate in the middle of the room to remind me o...

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Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

What do professional golf players do for fun?

Do not play golf.

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So Johnny dies and goes to heaven, where god's waiting to review his life.

God's all like "Aight, aight. I like you Johnny, I always have, always will. You helped old ladies cross the street, you donated to charities, and all in all in my professional divine opinion.... you're a stand up guy! But what the fuck's the deal with all the incest porn?"

Johnny replied, " ...

"Hello, I'm Peter, professional pickpocket."

...said the man as he handed me my business card.

Where does an IT Professional buy his agricutural produce?

At the Server-Farm.

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Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...

This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medi...

People ask me how it's like to be a professional yoyo player

I tell them it has its ups and downs

I asked to speak with male pharmacist

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was speaking with said she was the only pharmacist and since she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.
She asked if she could help me. I said that I really would have preferred to speak with a m...

What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?

NASCAR

If I had to box a professional athlete.

I would choose a soccer player.

A professional juggler

Is just someone who gets payed to play with their balls

I used to be a professional ski athlete

It just went downhill from there

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What does a professional athlete and a pornstar have in common?

They both get payed millions to play with balls.

Being a professional tree mover must be hard

They always have to uproot their entire operation

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A woman finds out that she's pregnant with triplets...

she then consents to be the test subject for an experiment. A doctor gives her a newly developed pill that is meant to give unborn children super intelligence so they're born with the ability to speak English, think critically, etc.

Nine months later, she goes into labor. The doctor who gave ...

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Did you know the average age of a professional curler is 45? Pretty much making the sport immune from performance enhancing drugs...

Unless they start testing for Viagra. Then the sport would be between a ROCK and a HARD PLACE.

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

What do you get when you cross nu metal with professional networking?

LinkedIn Park

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My mate Dave’s always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything, but lately he doesn’t seem like he’s got a care in the world.

“Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?” I asked him.

“I’ve hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me,” he replied. “Only costs me a grand a week.”

“A grand a week? How the hell are you going to afford that?” I asked.

“Fuck knows. That’s his problem.”

R Kelly likes his girls like he likes his professional footballers

Young, fit, and not allowed to come out.

A botched surgery

Recently I had an old childhood friend over for some drinks. Catching up with him over the course of the evening I learned that he had gone on to become a surgeon. So, I asked him if he could check out a lump that had grown on my wrist. He set down his beer and and looked it over and declared, "W...

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A jealous husband hired a detective to keep a watch on his wife.

The husband wanted more than a written report—he wanted a video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two ...

What’s the difference between a professional drummer and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

A professional boxer has to fight a rookie. Right before the match begins, the rookie exclaims ''I think I can take that guy blindfolded!''

His coach replies "But what if he is not blindfolded?"

*Canada's first Professional Soccer team has made it to FIFA*

That's to bad eh, their parents couldn't afford hockey equipment growing up.

What is the difference between a professional wrapper and a professional rapper?

One is employed seasonally and the other is unemployed!

What's the difference between a professional golfer and a regular swinger?

A professional golfer tries to get a hole-in-one.

A regular swinger just tries to get one in the hole.

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Met a professional sadist recently, so I asked him how he actually makes money from it.

"I sell pro-pain and pro-pain accessories."

A guy walks into a bar after a long day at work and orders a drink.

As he sits there, mulling over his day, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”

The man looks around, doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a reall...

I've been a compulsive worrier for years.



My mates said. "You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."



"I hired a professional worrier for £1000 a week." I said. "I haven't had a single worry since."



"A thousand a week!" they said. "How the hell are you going to pay him?"



"I don...

My head chef had his 10 year anniversary in work today. I put some salt and pepper on him.

He's a seasoned professional

The longest circumcision in history

I had this mate and he used to go on about it his job all the time, you know the type? Work, work, work! Well this was particularly annoying in his case, as he was a professional circumciser.

I said to him one day do you enjoy your work? And off he went...

He said yes it’s a fantasti...

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A man visits a female doctor

He is feeling very awkward about it and she notices. She is quick to assure him she is a professional and there is nothing to be ashamed.

“You don’t understand doctor. I’m so ashamed of my body, and the problem is... er... in my lower parts. If you were to laugh, I would die of shame.”
...

Before he passed, my grandfather was a professional photographer.

Oh how I miss good ol papa razzi

What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?

They both shred footage.



(*be gentle, it's my first time.*)

What do you call a professional fisher?

A master baiter.

A professional cartoonist died the other day

The details are still a bit sketchy

Where do you get a degree in professional card games?

The Unoversity.

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Professional butt dancers are just like you and I

They get up, get ready and go t’werk

Say what you will, but today's young professionals are the ones that will eventually find the cure for cancer. I can see the headlines now:

"Millennials Killed Cancer"

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A king hired a professional thief

The king wants to steal the national treasure of the neighboring kingdom, something that, if he owns, he'll have the right to rule BOTH countries. He sent out a call across the land for the best, sneakiest, and most ruthless assassins, thieves, brigands, and highwaymen and stated their crimes would ...

Day 1 in the pathology lab lecture. All the students entered the lab.

Lab Assistant: Alright, today is the 1st lecture and we are going to do a urine test. Go get your urine sample in a cup.

Students get their samples in a cup.

LA: Now the first test we will do is physical examination.

(He dips his finger in the cup, licks it)
LA: Hmm, salty wi...

What do you call professionals trolls?

Master baiters

What would Theodore Roosevelt be called if he was a professional bodybuilder?

Teddy Swolevelt.








Yes, I know it's awful, Just had to get it out of my head.

What's the definition of a Professional Farmer?

Someone out standing in their field.

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