What do you call a professional troll?

A master-baiter.

I'll see myself out

A professional limbo player walks into a bar

He got disqualified

What’s the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?

The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, “Sign here please.”

My Dad was a professional magician who performed all the classic illusions. He used to practice the well-known, "Sawing a person in two" trick using us kids.

He always loved to halve his family in the act.

What Union do Professional Meme Artists belong to?

The Memesters

After a long day at a conference a group of weary professionals met up at a famous bar.

After much discussion of the awesome array of gins, vodkas, whiskeys, wines, imported beers and ales, everybody ordered alcohol except for one guy. He ordered a cup of coffee.

One of his companions asked him "no offense, but why aren't you drinking?" The coffee drinker said, "I'm a recover...

Kurt Cobain lived as a professional musician

...and died as an amateur painter.

How can you tell if a Redditor isn't a native English speaker?

They'll inform you after three paragraphs of professional English.

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My friends said they'd only make porn if the women weren't professionals

Fucking amateurs

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent....

Two professional limbo players walk into a bar.

You really would’ve thought they’d have ducked.

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

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A professional assassin charged $1000 a bullet....

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best f...

Why aren't Hawaiian greeters professional?

They are leimen.

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If you have sex with a professional comedian...

Is that a funny-bone?

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

When I told everyone I was gonna become a professional stand up comedian, they all laughed…

Well, they’re not laughing now!

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

Did you know R Kelly had a chance to become a professional Hockey player?

The only problem was.. is that he never wanted to score after the first period.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why don't professional boxers have sex before a fight?

They probably don't like each other.

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Four older gentlemen are out golfing, sharing about their lives and eventually the topic of their children's professional success is brought up. The first guy steps up, hurriedly takes his shot, wiffs the ball off into the woods, and starts walking to find his ball without saying a word...

The second man steps up to take his shot and confidently reports, "My son is doing pretty well. He's just been promoted to manager of the car dealership he works at. In fact, he's doing so well gave the last lady he was seeing a brand new sports car." Then he takes takes a swing and drives the ball ...

What happened to the Professional Writer who had bowel surgery?

He ended up with a semi-colon.

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I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

For the first time in his professional career Tiger Woods failed to make the cut at the Arnold Palmer invitational

People are saying he just rolled over.

If professionals make difficult tasks look easy, what do you call someone who makes easy tasks look difficult?

A coworker

[NSFW] What acronym does the professional safecracker put on his own personal safe?

\[NSFW\]

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I think my grandpa was a professional storm chaser.

I found a helmet in his basement with two thunderbolts on the front.

It was time to get our chimney cleaned so I called a professional chimney sweep. He checks things out and after 10 minutes hands me an estimate. After checking it out I protested. "Twenty five hundred! Are you nuts? I'll clean it myself!

Ok soot yourself.

Four professionals.

Four friends were going out for coffee when they spotted a hooker, “the worlds oldest profession” says one. The Doctor among them said “No, My profession is the oldest. It says in the Bible that God created woman from Adam’s rib. That’s the work of a surgeon”
“Ahhhh” says the second friend, “but ...

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

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A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

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A professional hypnotist

10 years ago i went to a gig of a hypnotist. This hypnotist was the best hypnotist in the world . Instead of just hypnotizing 1 person . He said he would hypnotize the whole crowd. So he makes us all look at a watch that's been in his family for many years . Suddenly he drops it and shouts : fuck ! ...

Due to lack of professional sports, ESPN televised the World Origami Championships.

It was paper view.

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Spying on the Wife

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted a video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less th...

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant,...

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Emma Watson decided to quit acting to become a professional gambler. She entered her first craps tournament full of optimism.

At the start of the first round, Emma started undressing. "Why are you undressing?" asked one of her opponents. "I like to play craps completely in the nude," replied Emma.

As soon as Emma had removed the last shred of clothing, she made her bet. Then the dice were rolled. Emma watched as the...

Why paying professionals is so expensive?

Someone had a broken pump, he tried for hours to fix it but could not. Finally, exasperated he took it to the specialist. The professional took a look at the pump, plugged it in, took out a hammer and hit it once. Immediately the pump started working.

That would be $200 he said to the custom...

Why doesn’t the NFL give Iowa a professional football team?

Because then Minnesota would want one.

My career as a professional rock climber is going great, but I'm also taking a course in mattress-making.

Just so I've got something to fall back on.

(Apparently, I said this joke in my sleep, and don't recall ever hearing it before, so I may have come up with it in my sleep as well.) Did you hear the one about the professional hockey player who quit his job to become an accountant?

He wanted an off-ice job.

IAMA professional bomb diffuser. Ask me anything.

edit: wow, this blew up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pedro got fired.

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the cucumber slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Pedro to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace ...

Did you hear that Mike Tyson just got a job at Amazon?

He just really wanted to be a professional boxer again.

A man walks into an empty bar, except for the bartender.

He orders a drink. As he sits there, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, but doesn’t see anything, and returns to his drink.
A moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy!”
Again, the man looks ...

How can you recover from any injury almost immediately?

Be a (professional) soccer player.

It's sad really, Texas has two professional football teams,

But Oklahoma doesn't have any.

I vote we move the Redskins there.

Two doctors are sitting on a bench at a park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:

- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong

- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia

- I have to disagree with you: that dra...

My Chinese friend used to be the only professional gambler in China

Which makes him the only person in China who likes to bet

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After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

Yo mama is so ugly

Yo mama is so ugly she tried to enter an ugly contest, but they said, "Sorry, no professionals."

If a professional piano player is a pianist..

..then a professional race player is a racist?

*rap musicians scurrying about*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

MD Visit



A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a Gynecologist.

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.

He immediately told her to undress, and after she had disrobed, the doctor

began to stroke her thigh.



Doing so, ...

What do you call a professional mover with Parkinson’s disease?

A mover and a shaker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an LBGTQ+ esports professional?

Pro gaymer.

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I’m an sex addict and my wife said I should get professional help.

It’s been three happy years now, but I’m starting to think she meant a psychologist.

I hate how we have to be politically correct at the office. My boss said we shouldn't use the term "black" because it's not very professional.

So during coffee break, I asked him: *"How African-American do you like your coffee?"*

A Lesson in History

The king wanted to go fishing and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and the...

I am trying to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it is turning out to be really difficult.

Good players are hard to find.

I once dated a professional tennis player...

But I had to end it when I realised love meant nothing to her.

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Man goes to a doctor and sees the patient is looking very embarrassed.

The doctor says, "So why did you come to see me today?" The patient says, "Well, I have a problem, but it's kind of humiliating. Please promise you won't laugh!" The doctor assures the patient that he won't laugh. "I'm a professional and have seen a lot throughout my years."

The patient r...

I've decided to become a professional Jeffrey Epstein impersonator, don't try to talk me out of it!

I know it is career suicide.

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Big Game Hunter goes to Siberia to hunt Russian Bear

When he arrives on the train station (probably the only one in Siberia) he is greeted by the village hunter/gatherer/provider who has a very mangy, tiny, old dog leashed with a massive iron chain.
\-"Right, I'll help you." says the native "Here's what we're going to need: A great big blow horn,...

What’s the Highest Level of Competition That a Semi Professional Sauerkraut Pickler Aspires To?

The Briner Leagues

Boris turns to his friend Sergei and says, “I see you have been doing the Instagram and Twitters.”

Yes, I’ve gotten quite good. I am what you call a Socialist, no?” Replies Sergei.
“Sergei no, no. That is not Socialist. Soci-“
Sergei interrupted “Yes I am going professional on social media’s. I am Socialist.”
“Yes, your on the Twitter and Instagrams.” Reassured Boris.
Yes, Sergei nodd...

What’s the one thing professional poker players and plumbers can agree on?

A royal flush is better than a full house

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

The nurse asked the patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown, to be checked by a doctor.

“In front of you”?”, he asks, shyly.

The nurse says, “Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before.”

The patient said, “Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked bo...

What's the difference between a suicidal bungee jumper and a professional one?

Where they tie the rope.

Jedis make amazing IT Professionals

They can force quit anything.

Professional taster

In a winery in Napa Valley, California, a new wine tester has just died. The president of the company worriedly published the newspaper, looking for a replacement. A mysterious drunk, ragged clothes came to apply for a job. The employer wanted to kick him drunk and go away but still wanted to test ...

Being a dentist was useful professionally.

It opened up a lot of jaws

Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist...

What's the difference between a professional engineer and an amateur?

How quickly the product dies after the warranty period

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A well-dressed man, complete with top hat and monocle, walks into a bar.

The bartender, who has seen it all, pours the dapper gentleman two fingers of their top-shelf 25-year-old scotch. Just as the man begins nursing the peaty, smoky booze, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister all walk into the bar, arguing about how to prove the existence of their respective Gods.

...

Stung...

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communica...

What do you call a professional unit of measurement?

Program

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A professional fighter and a seamstress walk into a bar

The bartender asks them how their day is going. The seamstress says her day has been sew-sew. The fighter just looks beat.


The bartender takes their orders.
The seamstress orders a thimble of gin.
The fighter asks for something with some kick.


The bartender tells them a j...

Genie grants three wishes...

A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one." "Me first!" says the paralega...

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I just found out my new doctor is a young, drop-dead gorgeous female! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

Why did the company quit certifying its professionals every two months?

They got tired of all the pro-testing.

I'm a professional counterfeiter.

Look, I even have the documents to prove it.

My dad is a professional Russian roulette player.

He only lost once.

TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.

Kept hitting on 17.

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon.

When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle.

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off.

Wanting to make sure that he can do his job correctly he decides to go get his watch set by a professional...

A guy in a dimly lit bar turns to the woman next to him and says “hey you want to hear a blonde joke?”

The woman responds, “before you tell your blonde joke, let me tell YOU something. I’m a professional MMA fighter and I’m blonde. The woman next to me is a professional kickboxer and she’s blonde too. Oh and next to her, a judo instructor. Also blonde. You still want to tell me that blonde joke?”
...

A professional glass blower

A professional glass blower was training up a new team. They kept giving him the poorest quality silicates which resulted in some very cloudy pieces. So he got them all together and said, "I just need to make something perfectly clear".

My girlfriend used to date a professional clown before she met me.

I have some big shoes to fill.

Why do professional bowlers receive more kisses than anyone else?

Because they've got the most Xs by their name.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Beyblade professionals have no kids

Their pull out game is strong

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An Irish man loved his golf, but he was a terrible golfer, it would seem, as he often found himself hunting for his balls in the woods

on one such occasion, he happened upon a leprechaun. whom it would appear he had accidently hit with his errant shot.

Gently shaking him awake, he asks "Are you ok?"

"Aye, you show such kindness to me. I will grant ye three wishes."


"T'is OK, I am already blessed enough...

From a professional ethics exam for lawyers

You are a young lawyer. An old woman comes to you to get a will. After you're done she hands you an envelope with cash as payment. When you count the money you notice that she mistakenly put 100$ too much on the envelope. What do you do with the extra money?

A: Keep the money yourself

...

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I have a question. Is it for fuck's sake, or for fuck sake?

Like, should I put an apostrophe to show possessive? I guess the question would be, is it for the sake of all fucks, or just this fuck in particular?

Idk, so let me know because I'm at work trying to send an email, and I wanted to sound professional.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once, in a faraway land, there was this doctor who was a professional trickster...

This doctor was quite popular, but he had a big, bad secret; he deceives people. How? Well, let's just say a patient walks into his office with an illness. The doctor, after doing some checkups, gives his prescription for a medicine, which he even gives for free. It turns out, however, that the medi...

I heard the professional boxers are among the highest paid people in the world

Apparently my bosses at Amazon didn't get the memo

What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?

They both shred footage.



(*be gentle, it's my first time.*)

I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network...

...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

Drinking in IT terms

1 shot= Demo


2 shots= Trial version


5 shots= Personal edition


Half a bottle= Professional Edition


Full bottle= Network Edition


Two bottles= Small Business Edition


Five Bottles= Enterprise Edition


Whole case= C...

My girlfriend is a professional contortionist.

Now she really loves her job and most of the time she comes home with a big smile on face.
However yesterday was really rough on her and so this morning I asked if she'd gotten everything straightened out.

She said "I have knot."

What do you get when you cross a professional basketball player with a geographer?

The horses name was friday

What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?

NASCAR

If I had to box a professional athlete.

I would choose a soccer player.

A karate professional is shooting a movie scene

He fails the first take, to which the director remarks, "Aren't you a professional? "

"Yeah, but this is take one though. "

I won’t vaccinate my kids.

I’ll leave that to a professional.

I Am A Professional Procrastinator. Ask Me Anything

I'll be back to answer your questions in a few minutes.

I used to be a professional ski athlete

It just went downhill from there

I have this problem where I hallucinate different types of health professionals,

So I’m seeing a psychologist

I tried to get a job as a professional band aid remover.

But I couldn’t pull it off.

People ask me how it's like to be a professional yoyo player

I tell them it has its ups and downs

What do you call it when a pregnant woman’s husband buys a new car and sleeps with his wife’s health professional?

A midwife crisis

What’s the difference between a professional drummer and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you become a professional in a field yet you're a dirty fecker.

*Doctor*: "Please take off your clothes."

*Dentist*: "Now open wide and hold still "

*Veterinarian*: "How's your pretty pussy.?"

*Gardener*: "Want me to fertilize your bush?"

*Lawyer*: "Let's go over section 69."

*Banker*: "If you withdraw too early you lose intere...

Which US president was the first to embrace professional social networks?

Abraham LinkedIn

Circumcision is a serious operation that should be discussed at length between parents and health care professionals.

I couldn’t walk for an entire year after I got mine

Why do all professional sperm donors go crazy?

Cause it’s a nut job

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After having sex for the first time...

After having sex for the first time the girl I was with complained. "I thought you said you could perform like a professional athlete!"

"Hey", I responded, "Don't judge. Bullriders **are** professional athletes!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Met a professional sadist recently, so I asked him how he actually makes money from it.

"I sell pro-pain and pro-pain accessories."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman and baby were in The doctors examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the babies first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both br...

"Hello, I'm Peter, professional pickpocket."

...said the man as he handed me my business card.

It was so embarrassing for me that my jokes always fall flat, that I finally asked a professional comedian for help.

The guy is a genius, I'm not embarrassed anymore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about Dolly Parton's husband becoming a professional sperm doner?

* He's jerkin' 9 to 5, what a way to make a living.



(I made this up and i'm kinda proud' feel free to spread it around the globe try it on your friend / spouse now and tell me if it got a smile / laugh - or a slow head shake and a sigh)

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