UPJOKE
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Dave

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ''Hey, Dave! How ya doing?'' His wif...

A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.

The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock. About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.


“What?...

I got kicked out of a B League baseball game for heckling the players

When they approached me I asked them “Are you telling me I’m outta here?!”

Three doctors walk into a bar…

They all sit down at the bar and order drinks.

They tell each other about some of their biggest surgeries.

The first one takes a sip of his drink and sets it down on the bar.

“I had a guy walk into the ER last week who was in a terrible construction accident. He lost his whole ...

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For all baseball fans enjoying the 2022 Fall Classic....

Two friends have loved each other, and attended countless ballgames located all over the world, and enjoyed excellent baseball moments together

Decades passed, and one of the two buddies became terribly ill. It was time for one of the two friends to sleep peacefully for eternity.

The ...

Did you hear about the competitive BDSM league's struggles with scoring separation?

Things have been all tied up for awhile.

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Superman is flying over Metropolis

And is feeling horny af. Suddenly, he sees Wonder Woman stark naked sunbathing on the roof of the Justice League HQ.

He thinks to himself "I'm Superman, right? Faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly down there and have my way with Wonder Woman and be away before she even realises..."
<...

My friend has a weird talent:

He stands on a loaf of bread and when he throws a dart, he can hit the bullseye every time. He did it at a local talent competition once, and the judges were so impressed, they moved him up to an official talent league.

For the competition, however, he stepped it up. He stacked three baguette...

3 elderly football (soccer) fans walk into a church …

3 elderly football fans walk into a church. The first is a Liverpool fan, the second is a Tottenham fan and the third is an England fan. As they walk through the doors a bellowing voice greets them from above. It’s God and he exclaims “Welcome! I don’t do this often, but every now and then I like to...

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Little League Sportsmanship

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?' The litt...

In Zack Snyders Justice League, Barry Allen breaks a window simply by touching it.

This is because windows no longer supports Flash.

I wanted to start a hide-and-seek league...

...but good players are hard to find.

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What is the difference between a vibrator and the 12 European Super League club owners?

The European Super League owners are real dicks.

The members of the newly-formed Justice League were introducing themselves to each other.

S: “I’m Superman; I can fly, move at super speed, and have super strength.”

B: “I’m Batman; I’m the world’s greatest detective, master of many martial arts, and have gadgets that can do almost anything.”

GL: “I’m Green Lantern; my emerald bling can create constructs of anything I can i...

Liverpool have won the league, the government is paying people not to work....

Somewhere there's a scouser with a genie in a lamp wondering what to do with his last wish

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Ivy League School Principal, Mr. Marquez, and Community College Principal, Mr. Davidson, were arguing that their respective students were the most fearless.

Ivy League school principal called his students and asked them to jump in sea full of sharks.

They jumped.

Principal said: “See the guts…”

Community College principal called his students and asked them to jump.

They said: "Have you completely lost your marbles, Mr. Davids...

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Arsenal are gutted at the collapse of the European Super League

They were really looking forward to the possibility of finishing as high as 12th place

Why are Americans so bad at League of Legends?

because they can't protect their towers

What do you call a league with only two superheroes in it?

The Just Us League

I remember when I was a kid, you could go to a store with $1 and buy 2 bags of chips, a large pop, 4 candy bars, and a pack of big league chew!

Nowadays they have cameras everywheres.

The girl I like really loves orange soda. Sadly, she's way out of my league.

Is this a Crush, or just a Fanta-sy?

The Ivy-league Linguist

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negati...

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My friend is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league

My friend Hans is very involved in the German Blackbird Racing league. He's always whooping and hollering at every race, and now most of his friends call him "Woo!". Despite his enthusiasm for the sport, he's not very creative. He mostly just numbers his birds, and never takes our advice on names....

TIL that Jules Verne did not write Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea

He wrote at a desk like a sensible person would.

English premier league - football

What does Guardiola do with the Manchester City team during half time ?

He gives a Pep talk.

It's appropriate that Cyborg from the Justice League is black,

Considering that he's only 3/5 of a person.

TIL Dennis Rodman once tried to start a topless women’s basketball league

The league flopped due to too little support.

So, I asked out a really fine lady who was WAY out of my league, she says, “I wouldn’t date you if you were the last person on Earth...”

“Well, DUHHHH, you’d be dead.”

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Wonderwoman was sunbathing naked on top of the justice league tower...

Superman was flying over and he had the idea that "hey I'm quick as lightning, I could go down there and have sex with her really quick then be out of there in a second." So he flies down, gets the job done and flies off. Wonderwoman jumps up and goes "what the hell was that?" Invisible man replies ...

My wife asked me how Wonder Woman got her new sword in the Justice League movie...

I told her that she must have Amazon Prime

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The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...

Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?


Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytim...

You play League of Legends AND World of Warcraft??

Wow, Lol.

Do you know the reason all the bat boys in major league baseball are replaced when they turn 18?

Because otherwise you'd have to call him Batman.

1978: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2005: UK's prince marries, Liverpool wins the Champions League, the Pope dies.

2018: UK's prince marries, Liverpool is in the Champions League final, and the Pope is cheering for Real Madrid like a madman.

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As told by the 80-something year-old man at golf league.

My wife and I were driving home from dinner one night when I hit a small animal. "Pull over and see if it's all right." my wife insisted. Turns out that I had hit a baby skunk. My wife, an animal lover, picked up the hurt baby skunk and told me to drive to the animal hospital. As we were driving, sh...

Dr Horrible got a great deal on getting into the Evil League of Evil

It only cost him a Penny

I went on a date with a girl who was clearly out of my league.

But she'd heard that I was going to see a movie she wanted to see, and we made a date of it.

On the way over I thought I might get lucky so I went to the drug store and bought a box of condoms.

When I stopped at her house, her family invited me to dinner. I asked if I could say the b...

A baseball manager calls up a Chinese rookie from the minor leagues

The player shows up before his first game and goes to take batting practice. The manager sees him walking to the batter's box with a frying pan sitting on his head. He says "You can't wear a frying pan in the batter's box, son. You need a helmet."

The player responds: "This is my lucky frying...

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While playing in my local basketball rec league, I once thought that my next game would be against the Boston Celtics.

I was proven wrong once the game started and I got a good look at the opponents. They wore grey instead of green. Likewise, Kemba Walker, Jayson Tatum, Gordon Hayward, and Jaylen Brown were nowhere to be found.

Instead, I found myself face-to-face with a bunch of stinky, over-weight neckbea...

Why do the french hate League of Legends?

They have to wait 20 minutes before surrendering

A goalkeeper hosted a celebratory dinner at his house after his team won the league championship.

Before dinner, he asked the coach to say grace. The coach concluded his prayer by saying, “We ask that you bless this food in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the goalie host.”

After many years of fighting crime as batman

Bruce Wayne finally got married and had a son. His son turned out to be brilliant at investing, especially in bitcoin, making Wayne Enterprises one of the biggest companies on the planet.

All this time, Bruce had been training him, and when the time was right, Bruce introduced his son to the ...

Jungle animals started a softball league...

The teams are separated by species.

A colorful long beaked bird, not sure where to go, asked an old monkey umpire, where his team was playing.

He replied, "Mongoose vs snakes are on field 1, ants vs frogs play on field 2..."

"Quit monkeying around", the bird chuckled, "I just wa...

A Texan went to an ivy league party on the East coast...

...and there's this group of fancy ladies standing around.

"Howdy," he said. "Which school did y'all go to?"

"Oh... Yale," one of them replied daintily.

'WHICH SCHOOL DID Y'ALL GO TO?!"

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Classic Ivy League joke

Visitor in Harvard Square: "Excuse me, where's the library at?"

Harvard student: "Sir, this is Harvard. We don't end our sentences with prepositions."

Visitor: "Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to ask, where's the library at, asshole?"

I felt betrayed when my girlfriend joined a softball league without telling me

Of all the underhanded things...

Complaint from 3017: These children's long-term zero gravity soccer leagues are raising weak adults.

Every kid gets atrophy.

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Driving is like League of Legends

Everyone but me is fucking terrible.

If anyone's interested, my buddy has tickets for Champions League Final match (26th of May) in Kiev, Ukraine

He bought the tickets, but the damned fool forgot he was getting married that weekend. Anyone up for taking this off his hands?


The girl's name is Catherine and she's really lovely.

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New English premier league football (soccer) joke that I learnt today.

What does an Arsenal player do when he wins the champions league?











He turns off the PlayStation.



P.S. XD. Now I haven't supported or watched football in many years, but this joke got me.

Lil Bruce Wayne, he played little league baseball...

He was the batboy.

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Why does NA never do well at worlds in League of Legends?

Cuz Americans are shit at defending towers

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I heard KFC is sponsoring the cock fighting little league.

Can’t wait to see those chick contenders.

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One day Superman is flying over the Justice League building...

and he looks down to see Wonder Woman sprawled out on her back, naked, tanning.

"Wow she is so hot, if only I can have a chance at that!" He exclaimed to himself. Suddenly a thought occurred to him...

"Wait, I am Superman! I can fly down there and have sex with her and fly off so fast ...

I've just started a Marsupial Fighting League

I've called it "Mortal Wombat"

What do you call people who design icons in League of Legends?

Lolicons.

What did people call Iron Man after he started playing "League of Legends?"

The Toxic Avenger.

Did you hear that Nightblue3 and Eminem played League of Legends together yesterday?

Eminem got one shot

I hate when people say "She's out of your league"

Just because I'm in the majors, and she's a minor. Doesn't mean it can't happen.

Why did Plastic Man get kicked out of Justice League?

He was accused of rubbery

Who is Orianna's top counter in League of Legends?

Ochrisbrown

Met a really hot girl last night, but my buddies we're telling me "Forget her, dude, she's way out of your league".

I'm going "Oh, you think she's too pretty for me?". They're saying "No not that, it's just that she's in the Minors".

Did you all hear about the new snail racing league?

Yeah, it's called NASCARGOT

My school did a performance called League of Legends.

It was a play on wards.

The International League of Bakers is inviting countries which mainly export baked goods to join.

They're accepting dough nations.

Why does the National Football League deserve Tax-Exempt Status even though it generated at least $9 billion in revenue last season?

Because it is just as real as the other religions.

Why can't there be a League of Legend's team of 5 Lucians?

Because you can't have a team with only 3 champions.

An upset parent walks up to the coach of a local minor league's baseball team, "Excuse me, sir, but don't you think 'The Browns' is a racist name to have for the team?"

The coach replies, "what? No, the name is simply because the uniforms are brown. In fact, to avoid any signs of racism with the name, we don't allow any brown people on the team."

What do you call a league of battling plants?

Phyte club.

Credit to the podcast Skeptics Guide to the Universe. I'm not this funny.

What super hero league would Caitlyn Jenner be a member of?

The X men!

What's the difference between the Justice League reshoots and unlocking all the heroes in Battlefront 2?

One was only slightly cheaper than the other.

A group of mediators decide to set up a league. They are not concerned with what was, nor with what will-be. There are concerned with what just-is

a just-is league if you will

I once made an error in little league,

When I signed up to play.

The Social Justice League doesn't have a Batmobile

They have a tumbler.

Why is Donald Trump not a fan of League of Legends?

Because there's too much Faker news.

Fact: It is against league rules for an NFL player to own a pet duck.

It's considered a personal fowl.

My 8 year old son was in the garden playing football today, he tripped over his own feet and lay on the floor for 5 minutes, screaming and thrashing like he'd been beaten up.

I'm so proud of him, he's going to be in the Premier League one day :')

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Why don't Junior League debutantes engage in group sex?

Too many thank you notes to write afterwards.

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So, two guys emigrate from Afghanistan to the US

They say, let's meet in 10 years and see who has become more American. 10 years pass and they meet. One guy says " Today I mowed the lawn, took my son to little league, and went to McDonalds. Let's see you top that." The other guy says "you fucking rag head."

Did you hear about Nursing Home Sports League

Everyone gets atrophy at the end of the season.

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