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Argument Jokes

Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....

But when I got home, the tables were turned

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A man and woman have an argument after the man tries to perform oral sex

The woman says "you should never eat a pussy out ever again! That was the worst i've ever gotten!"

The man says "i'm jewish, i'm not allowed to eat pigs anyways."

NSFW A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us (the canine). Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

Guys, I'm just in the middle of a huge argument with my wife and she just told me I'm right....

What do I do next?

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A jew and a Chinese man are in an argument...

The jew says, "I hate your people for what you did at pearl harbour". The Chinese man says, what do you mean? That was the Japanese!". The jew replies, "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same. So the Chinese man says, "Well I hate your people for sinking the titanic". The jew says, "That'...

Three Engineers are having an argument...

The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."

The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."

The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline throu...

Marital Argument

A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of jackasses. The wife says "relatives of yours?" Husband says, "yep, in laws."

Today I started an argument with my wife while riding in an elevator.

I was wrong on so many levels.

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My girlfriend took of her shirt and bra during an argument where i was winning...

It was a booby trap!

My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.

I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!

Hey Guys...Next time you're having an argument with your wife, start undressing.

She will instantly have a headache and then go to sleep.

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A general, a colonel and a major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex.

The general maintained that sex was 60 percent work and 40 percent fun.
The colonel said that it was 75 percent work and 25 percent fun.
The major thought it was 90 percent work and 10 percent fun.

At the height of the argument, a private appeared at the door. "Let's leave it to him," ...

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Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the seco...

What's the most persuasive argument against democracy?

"Have you ever worked in retail?"

I was having an argument with my friend the other day

He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was!

Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.

What's the difference between a girl's argument and a knife...

The knife has a point.

My mum had an argument with me last night.

She told me to stop tickling my little brothers feet.

Her exact words were... "Stop it, wait until he's born"

I got into an argument with 1,3,5,7 and 9.

The odds were against me.

My wife and I had this long argument about the appropriate thing to wear when gardening.

But..she kept digging in her heels.

My wife's gone and locked herself in the kitchen after an argument over how cheap and miserable I've become since we got married.

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half.

Two groups of rabbis were having an argument at a synagogue...

Rabbi Isaac said: "Fourteen other rabbis here agree with me, Rabbi Herschel, please just accept our position."

Rabbi Herschel begins to pray along with two other rabbis who take his side, when all of a sudden, a great booming voice says: "I am Adonai, the Lord, and Rabbi Herschel is right" an...

Amber Heard had an argument with her interior designer.

They could not decide on where to place the stool in the bedroom.

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Three of the smallest people on earth get into an argument…

about who is the smallest. The first guy says “I know for sure, I got the smallest hands of any man who ever lived.” The other two didn’t believe him. So, he went to the Guinness book of world records to get measured. Sure enough, the next day he shows up with a gold-seal certificate from Guinne...

The argument

So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal i...

Snow White, a dwarf and Freddy Krueger are having an argument

Snow White says "I'm the most beautiful person in the world! I know it!" The dwarf says "Stop lying, of course you're not! But I'M the shortest person on this earth." Freddy Krueger says "Well, I'm the ugliest person on earth!" Snow white says "Guys, stop arguing! We can just go to the magic mirror ...

What's the difference between an argument in kindergarten and the presidential debate?

About 70 years

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The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Viva la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la Es...

During an argument with my wife, she dropped the old "why did you even marry me?" line.

Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.

What do you call an argument that ends too quickly?

Agreegious.

My wife and I had this long pointless argument as to which vowel is the most important.

I won.

This morning, my buddy and his wife had a heated argument about coffee that got really serious

It was grounds for divorce.

My wife and I had this huge argument as to whose turn it was to do the laundry.

Finally…I threw in the towel.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

What does a software engineer do when in an argument with his wife?

He copy-pastes from a previous argument. Why reinvent the wheel?

In an argument, a woman always has the last word.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

My wife and I got into an argument because she said I don't understand the concept of irony.

Ironically, we were at a bus depot at the time.

I lost an argument to my English Setter...

He just made such a good point

You can't win an argument with a chicken.

It's logic is impeccable.

Me and my wife got into an argument once so she smashed a glass coke bottle over my head

Thank God it was a soft drink

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A Chinaman and a Jew are in a racist argument...

A Chinaman and a Jew are in a racist argument when the Jew rears back and punches the Chinaman in the nose. The Chinaman says, "What was that for?"

The Jew responds, "That was for Pearl Harbor you son of a bitch."

The Chinaman looks confused and says, "Pearl Harbor was bombed by th...

"I don't understand how you always stay so calm when we're having an argument,"...

....a man told his wife. "How do you do it?"

"I stay calm because I know that, even if you get the last word, as you often do" she replied with a shrug, "I'll get to clean our toilet."



"How in the world does that help?" he asked.



"I always use your toothbrush," ...

My wife and I had a huge argument today. By the time we were finished, she was on her knees begging...

for me to come out from under the bed and act like an adult.

I lost an argument about my posture

I stand corrected

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Never get into an argument with a plastic surgeon.

I've just had my arse handed to me.

After an extremely tense argument with my girlfriend, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade fly towards me.

I was in an argument with a flat Earther

I told him I didn’t believe him.
He said he would video himself walking to the edge of the world.
He’ll come around eventually.

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

When vegans get into an argument is it still called beef?

I have no idea. But if it gets physical, all vegans know the art of foot karate.

They call it tofu.

A man in a mental health facility was having an argument.

A man in a mental health facility was arguing with a hazelnut. "I'm not crazy! You're crazy!" He says.

The squirrel chimed in and said, "You're both nuts!"

Whenever I have an argument with my wife, she always comes to me crawling

And then she says: "Get out from under the couch, you coward!"

How do you stop an argument between 2 deaf people?

Turn off the lights.

I had an argument with a 90 degree angle...

Turns out it was right.

While daydreaming, I started having an imaginary argument with my wife.

I still lost the argument.

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argument.

next time you are arguing with your dad and really want to piss him off.

just look him in the eye and say, "I've been deeper inside mum than you ever will."

Ps, it might be a good idea to run after saying this.

Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife.

Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having an argument...

>A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having a big argument, they are all yelling claiming each one is the greatest form of nature alive.

>To settle this, they come up with a little challenge: Who can kill the most humans with a single action.

>The cloud goes first.

>W...

It's never worth getting into an argument about creationist Adam & Eve versus evolution

You're just comparing apples and origins

A dad and his son get into a big argument one day

DAD: Go to your room right now

SON: *storms off* JIM MORRISON WASN’T EVEN A GOOD VOCALIST

DAD: What have I told you about slamming The Doors!

Husband and wife walk home silently after a strong argument.

Suddnely, they see two pigs on the side of the road.

Husband just asks: Hey, I think I've seen them already, aren't they your relatives?

The wife answes: Yes, you are correct. My parents-in-law.

A son and his Dad have an intense argument and the son storms off, furious.

Before he gets out of earshot of his father, he yells "Jim Morrison was a terrible singer and an uninspired artist who never did anything worthwhile".

His father cannot believe this insolence, and screams at the top of his lungs "As long as you live in this house, you will never, EVER SLAM TH...

What do you call an argument between two drunks after last call?

A spirited debate.

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A Japanese guy and Mexican guy get into an argument

Things start getting really heated and the Mexican guy says "Let's take this outside !!!" The Japanese guy says "Let's go, but I'll warn you, I know Judo !!!" The Mexican guy says "O ya, well I know Mexican Judo." The Japanese guy looks confused and says "What the hell is Mexican Judo ?!?" The Mexic...

I was having an argument about balloons the other day . . .

I may have blew things out of proportion.

Me and my girlfriend had an argument on a cliff...

Our relationship is on the rocks

If vegans have an argument...

Is it still called beef?

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After a heated argument she told me i should just be a plumber

Because i like to bring up old shit.

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3 married prostitutes were having an argument about their abilities.

The first says that her vagina is so wide that her husband can fit his entire forearm in it. She calls her husband for proof who comes and does exactly that.

Not to be outdone, the second prostitute says that her husband can fit his head in it who comes over and proves her right.

Final...

A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity

The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.

The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.

But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and askin...

A boy and his father are in an argument

Father: "I've had enough of this! Go to your room and don't come back out until you've thought long and hard about what you've done"

Son: "Fine, I didn't want to be here anyways"

Son: *Stomps up stairs*

Son: *Walks into his room, gently closes the door*

Son: "Jim Morrison...

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2 vampires have an argument over eating humans

Vampire 1: "Why the fuck are you even arguing about this?! You ate a live human 2 days ago"

Vampire 2: "What's your point?"

Vampire 1: "So you can't have a go at me for for doing it!"

Vampire 2: "Its not the same thing"

Vampire 1: "They were in a coma! There's no differen...

Two trees are having an argument in the forest.

A new a sapling has popped up between a maple and a pine and the two of them got into an argument over what kind of tree it is.
The maple thinks it's a son of a birch, and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other.
Maple "it's a son of a birch"
...

My wife and I had a huge argument because she accidentally flooded the kitchen

but we've sorted it now. It's all water under the fridge.

The Pope and an atheist are having an argument

After a few hours the pope turns to the atheist and says "You are like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking for a black cat that isn't there."
"Well" replies the atheist "we are not so dissimilar then. As you are also like a man who is blindfolded, in a dark room who is looking...

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Me and my wife got into a heated argument best she found out I was visiting prostitutes for sex.

I told her she couldn’t blame me she would hardly ever give it up.

She said that it’s my own fault I never told her I was willing to pay for it.

What do you call an argument that says the patriarchy doesn't exist?

Thot-provoking

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

My girlfriend recently left me after we had an argument about What is Love

Such a shame, too, she really Haddaway with words.

Got into an argument with a colleague so I bought their favorite Indian food, to attempt to make up.

I tried to curry favor but they were having naan of it. I only managed to tikka them off more.

I had an argument with a cape..

Thankfully I managed to put it behind me.

Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday

So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.

You'll never guess who came crawling back

[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]

A man and his wife are travelling through the United States, when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. "KISS-a-me," says the husband. "That's wrong," says the wife, "The right way to say it is kis-A-me." "Not necessarily," says the husband, "It could also be kis-a-ME."

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide t...

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning....

The wife claims, "You should do it, because you get up first and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband says, "You are in charge of cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

The wife replied, "No, ...

2 electricians got into an argument..

It went on for 5 days.. they just couldn't find any common ground.

Shocking.

One day at the bar, the warden of a prison and the manager of a football club get into a argument about football.

The warden mocks the manager’s players. Saying they are pathetic, over-payed babies who collapse whenever there’s a slight breeze. He claims that his inmates, could beat them easily as they are made of sterner stuff.

The manager laughs. The inmates are all criminals, they would cheat or even ...

Putin, Trump and Merkel are all at a seaside resort having an argument...

The topic of the debate is which country has the best submarines.

Putin begins, saying "Russian submarines are best in the world! They can stay submerged for weeks at a time before needing supplies."

Trump laughs, "Oh no no, AMERICAN submarines are the best in the world. I know it, you...

Not to brag, but my wife hasn’t won argument with me since...

14-December-2020

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Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

An italian couple got into an argument

Wife: How can you not remember my birthday? We've been married for 40 years!

Husband: Well the same thing happened last year, and you told me to forget about it.

Please settle an argument between me and my wife about whether it's ok to pee in the bath

I think it's fine but my wife says I should wait until she's finished her bath

A dad and his daughter are having an argument...

The daughter gets really frustrated with the situation, and goes to leave the room. When she reaches the doorway, she turns around and blurts out "AND BY THE WAY, JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!".

Her dad yells back "HEY, WHAT'D I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS".

Yesterday, my friend and I got into an argument over which vowel was the best

I won.

How do you solve a marsupial argument?

Trial by wombat

I got into an argument with a lady over the way I drive

I told her “If you don’t like the way I drive stay off the sidewalk”

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I had an argument with my friend. She thinks the reason we men make so many more sexist remarks about women than the other way around is because in our patriarchal society men need to claim their superiority to women all the time.

I think it is because we are just better at it.

Two mints are having an argument in a bar

Both arguing with each other about who's the hardest, would win in a fight between them, general bragging and macho bs etc.

All of a sudden an Extra Strong Mint walks in and they both hide under the table until he finishes his drink and leaves.

The barman comes up to them and laughs "I...

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How do you win an argument with your family this Thanksgiving?

Click the 'End Meeting' button

Sure, I might flip over a table in an argument, but I'd never tip over a bookcase.

I have too much shelf respect.

Wife and I were having an argument ..

Wife: You should listen to me.

Me: Oh yeah, why is that?

Wife: Coz I have ovaries!

Me: Is that why you Ovary Act?

Half way into my neck treatment, I got into this huge argument with my chiropractor.

Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

An elephant and an ant got into an argument.

The elephant lost his temper decided he was going to squash the ant.

The ant exclaimed, "ONLY IF YOU CAN CATCH ME!!!!" and ran off.

Elephants is chasing the ant, and as ant rounds a corner, he sees a rabbit.

"Yo, rabbit! Can I hide out in your fur? This elephant wants to kill m...

Jesus and Satan are having an argument about who is the better computer programmer.

This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt...

So I once saw an argument in a comment section, a man said, “How many chromosomes do you have?”

The other replied, “More than you”.

The sheer confidence he had

A couple got into an argument...

A couple got into an argument while on a drive through the countryside. It got quite heated and neither of the two wanted to concede, so they sat in silence for several kilometers.

As they passed a farm full of pigs bathing in mud, the wife spoke up and said:

"Relatives of yours?"
<...

My wife and I had a huge argument when she said Jim Morrison was overrated

I disagreed and she stormed out, I hate it when she slams the doors

Some Muslims were having an argument on my street the other day...

I wanted to step in, but I was afraid it would blow up in my face.

What did the debater say after getting stabbed during an argument?

Good point

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the light!

The two men were in an argument about iPhones vs Androids

It was quite the deviceive issue!

The wife & I were staying at a fancy high rise hotel when the argument started.

Things didnt get any better as the night went on. She started to threaten that she would jump out the window. In a panic I called the front desk. They asked how could they help? I said you better send body up here right away, the window wont open.

What’s the fastest way to end an argument with a girl?

Tell her to calm down. You’ll be dead but the argument will be over. Noticed I said “fastest” way, not “best”.

2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven

They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.

Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2:
“I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.
The good news is that there is baseball in heaven.
The b...

A bottle of beer, a mirror, and a condom were having an argument

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!


Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha...amateurs

Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument?

They had a fallout.

My wife and I were having an argument the other day. She started name calling and not fighting fair, so I responded with "You're rubbish in bed" among other things.

A Few Hours Later At Work, I Felt Terrible About What I Had Said, So I Called Her To Apologize And I Asked Her, "What Are You Doing?"
And She Said, "I'm In Bed."

So I Said, "What Are You Doing This Late In Bed?"
And She Said, "I am doing a survey!"

What not to say in an argument against a bald person?

Hair me out.

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A man and a woman are having an argument

In the heat of the argument, she calls him a misogynist.

"Am not!" he says. "In fact, I'll have you know that at my workplace, I have two bosses - one is a man, and one is a woman - and I see them both as equals!"

"Is that so?"

"Yep! And they *both* drive me crazy! He's always ...

25 years married, and not a single argument

Recently in Bangalore a couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary...

They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their 25 years of married life. Media gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their happy going marriage.

NDTV corespondent wa...

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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.

Two old men are having an argument over which one of them has lived their life to it's fullest

The first man, old, wrinkled and his scalp topped with few white strains of hair, proclaims:
>"I have only been able to achieve my proud age of 98 through a steadily upheld 6 hour workout routine on a daily basis. I may have lost some time, but it was completely worth it."

The second m...

What do you call an argument among Trump's staff?

Clash of klans.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Pi and i were having an argument

When suddenly i shouted “will you just be rational”
Pi responded “ get real”
Happy pi day

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Saw people having an argument on their canal boat.

Bit of argy bargy.

My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now." Horrified, she said, "What!? You wish our son had never been born!?"

"No." I replied. "I got his girlfriend pregnant."

What do you call an argument you have while you're high?

Grass fed beef.





BTW I came up with this myself.

I heard that steel got into a heated argument once

Ever since then, it has been tempered metal.

A couple gets into an argument...

The next day when the wife comes home, she sees her husband has covered himself in oil.

"What are you doing?"

"Well," he says, "Yesterday you told me I never glisten."

*"Listen,"* the wife says exasperatedly. "You never *listen!"*

NSFW what'd the sodomite say to his spouse after an argument

lets put a plug in it

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