My wife's gone and locked herself in the kitchen after an argument over how cheap and miserable I've become since we got married.

She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half.

Guys, I'm just in the middle of a huge argument with my wife and she just told me I'm right....

What do I do next?

Me and my girlfriend had an argument on a cliff...

Our relationship is on the rocks

I got into an argument with 1,3,5,7 and 9.

The odds were against me.

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

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Heated Argument

A General, a Colonel and a Major were having a heated argument on the subject of sex. The General maintained that sex was 60% work and 40% fun. The Colonel said it was 75% work and 25% fun. The major thought it was 90% work and 10% fun.

At the height of the argument, a Private appeared at th...

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The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Viva la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la Es...

During an argument with her husband, a wife was just about to calm down..

But then her husband asked her to calm down.......

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Never get into an argument with a plastic surgeon.

I've just had my arse handed to me.

A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having an argument...

>A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having a big argument, they are all yelling claiming each one is the greatest form of nature alive.

>To settle this, they come up with a little challenge: Who can kill the most humans with a single action.

>The cloud goes first.

>W...

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When their argument got heated, what did the big turd say to the little turd?

>!”listen here you little shit!”!<

One day at the bar, the warden of a prison and the manager of a football club get into a argument about football.

The warden mocks the manager’s players. Saying they are pathetic, over-payed babies who collapse whenever there’s a slight breeze. He claims that his inmates, could beat them easily as they are made of sterner stuff.

The manager laughs. The inmates are all criminals, they would cheat or even ...

If vegans have an argument...

Is it still called beef?

Got into an argument with a colleague so I bought their favorite Indian food, to attempt to make up.

I tried to curry favor but they were having naan of it. I only managed to tikka them off more.

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A man and woman have an argument after the man tries to perform oral sex

The woman says "you should never eat a pussy out ever again! That was the worst i've ever gotten!"

The man says "i'm jewish, i'm not allowed to eat pigs anyways."

I had an argument with a cape..

Thankfully I managed to put it behind me.

What do you call an argument that says the patriarchy doesn't exist?

Thot-provoking

Marital Argument

A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of jackasses. The wife says "relatives of yours?" Husband says, "yep, in laws."

Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....

But when I got home, the tables were turned

At the end of our last argument, my wife was on her hands and knees before me!

And then she said: "Get out from under the couch, you coward!"

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After a heated argument she told me i should just be a plumber

Because i like to bring up old shit.

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What are the main differences between weed, alcohol, pizza, vagina, an inexpensive car, candy, porn, video games, pointless arguments on the internet and a healthy workout routine?

Well it’s simple really. People that browse r/jokes can acquire weed, alcohol, pizza, an inexpensive car, candy, video games, and pointless arguments on the internet !

Had an argument with a Medusa a while ago.

We never saw eye to eye

My wife and I had this long pointless argument as to which vowel is the most important.

I won.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Internet arguments are like connect four

but you only have three pieces

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Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

What's the difference between an argument in kindergarten and the presidential debate?

About 70 years

After an extremely tense argument with my girlfriend, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade fly towards me.

A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity

The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.

The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.

But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and askin...

Two drunk people are sitting at a bar having an argument about Coronavirus.

The first one says "You're just trying to scare people. You don't know anything."

The second replies, clearly fed up with the first, "I'm a doctor! I'm paid to know these things, I have a PhD and everything!"

The first one slurs back, "Well ***I*** have a ***DhD.***"

The second...

Just had an argument with a 90° angle...

Turns out I was right.

A dad and his son get into a big argument one day

DAD: Go to your room right now

SON: *storms off* JIM MORRISON WASN’T EVEN A GOOD VOCALIST

DAD: What have I told you about slamming The Doors!

Two guys were in an English pub.

They called the publican over to settle an argument.

"Are there two pints in a quart or four?" asked one.

"There are two pints in a quart" confirmed the publican.

They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.

"Two pints miss, and they are on ...

My girlfriend has just told me, she thinks we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her, "I think you mean fewer".

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I had an argument with my friend. She thinks the reason we men make so many more sexist remarks about women than the other way around is because in our patriarchal society men need to claim their superiority to women all the time.

I think it is because we are just better at it.

I got into an argument with a lady over the way I drive

I told her “If you don’t like the way I drive stay off the sidewalk”

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Raise in salary.

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour

I work at great depths

I plunge head first into everything I do

I do not get weekends off or public holidays

I work in a damp environment

I don't get paid ov...

An italian couple got into an argument

Wife: How can you not remember my birthday? We've been married for 40 years!

Husband: Well the same thing happened last year, and you told me to forget about it.

My girlfriend recently left me after we had an argument about What is Love

Such a shame, too, she really Haddaway with words.

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A Second Opinion

A husband and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. “What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in...

My wife and I had a huge argument today. By the time we were finished, she was on her knees begging...

for me to come out from under the bed and act like an adult.

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It's Catherine and Michael's 15th Wedding Anniversary

>**Catherine:** "You know what, You've bought me enough jewelry the past 15 anniversaries, so this time I'm gonna make it all about you."

*Catherine decides to take Michael to a strip club as a special little gift. They arrive at the strip club, and are greeted by the bouncer at the do...

Yesterday, my friend and I got into an argument over which vowel was the best

I won.

How do you solve a marsupial argument?

Trial by wombat

A philosopher, a physicist, and a layman were walking on a beach

A theologist, a physicist, and a layman were walking on a beach when they come across a watch that had washed up on the shore.

After studying the watch for some time, the theologist declared that clearly some intelligent being has created the object, for each part works harmoniously with the ...

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

Gentlemen, there are two strategies for winning an argument with your wife.

Neither of them work.

A man had an argument with his lover in a hotel room.

He calls the receptionist and says "I had an argument with my lover. She is threatening to jump out of the window if I don't divorce my wife. You have to help me."

The receptionist replied: "Sir, that looks like a personal problem. There is nothing we can do to help you out."

"Listen ...

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My wife took off her shirt and bra right when I was winning an argument.....

It was a booby trap.

My wife and I were having an argument the other day. She started name calling and not fighting fair, so I responded with "You're rubbish in bed" among other things.

A Few Hours Later At Work, I Felt Terrible About What I Had Said, So I Called Her To Apologize And I Asked Her, "What Are You Doing?"
And She Said, "I'm In Bed."

So I Said, "What Are You Doing This Late In Bed?"
And She Said, "I am doing a survey!"

An elephant and an ant got into an argument.

The elephant lost his temper decided he was going to squash the ant.

The ant exclaimed, "ONLY IF YOU CAN CATCH ME!!!!" and ran off.

Elephants is chasing the ant, and as ant rounds a corner, he sees a rabbit.

"Yo, rabbit! Can I hide out in your fur? This elephant wants to kill m...

Whilst driving through Wales with my pal, we stopped off at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch for lunch.

I asked the waitress, "Could you settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very slowly?" The waitress replied, "Burr gerr King!"

Half way into my neck treatment, I got into this huge argument with my chiropractor.

Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

I was having an argument with my friend the other day

He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was!

Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.

Fighting buddies

There were 3 oddly named friends, Somebody, Nobody and Oncrack. One day, an argument broke between Somebody & Nobody. The argument escalated, and a serious fight broke out. Oncrack tried to stop but couldn't succeed. Blood started dripping in the fight. OnCrack immediately thought of calling cop...

Not to brag, but my wife hasn’t won argument with me since...

14-December-2020

How do you stop an argument between deaf people?

Turn off the lights...

The wife & I were staying at a fancy high rise hotel when the argument started.

Things didnt get any better as the night went on. She started to threaten that she would jump out the window. In a panic I called the front desk. They asked how could they help? I said you better send body up here right away, the window wont open.

What do you call it when a person using glue as hair spray gets into arguments with people online who are laughing at them?

Gorilla Warfare.

So I once saw an argument in a comment section, a man said, “How many chromosomes do you have?”

The other replied, “More than you”.

The sheer confidence he had

The two men were in an argument about iPhones vs Androids

It was quite the deviceive issue!

My wife and I are going with Granite countertops for our new kitchen.

I don’t even like the look of Granite all that much but honestly I just couldn’t think of a counter-argument.

My wife and I had a huge argument when she said Jim Morrison was overrated

I disagreed and she stormed out, I hate it when she slams the doors

Server: “how would you like your steak sir?”

Me: “like winning an argument with my wife”

Server: “rare it is”

Two mints are having an argument in a bar

Both arguing with each other about who's the hardest, would win in a fight between them, general bragging and macho bs etc.

All of a sudden an Extra Strong Mint walks in and they both hide under the table until he finishes his drink and leaves.

The barman comes up to them and laughs "I...

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A man and a woman are having an argument

In the heat of the argument, she calls him a misogynist.

"Am not!" he says. "In fact, I'll have you know that at my workplace, I have two bosses - one is a man, and one is a woman - and I see them both as equals!"

"Is that so?"

"Yep! And they *both* drive me crazy! He's always ...

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How do you win an argument with your family this Thanksgiving?

Click the 'End Meeting' button

Pi and i were having an argument

When suddenly i shouted “will you just be rational”
Pi responded “ get real”
Happy pi day

What’s the fastest way to end an argument with a girl?

Tell her to calm down. You’ll be dead but the argument will be over. Noticed I said “fastest” way, not “best”.

Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife.

Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the light!

Please settle an argument between me and my wife about whether it's ok to pee in the bath

I think it's fine but my wife says I should wait until she's finished her bath

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My girlfriend and I just had an argument about posting our sextape, from start to finish online.

Is it pronounced Jif (like peanutbutter) or Gif (like gift)?

What not to say in an argument against a bald person?

Hair me out.

My wife and I had this huge argument as to whose turn it was to do the laundry.

Finally I threw in the towel.

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A jew visits a brothel

He talks to the guy at reception:

- Hello, I want to see Samantha.

- One moment sir.

A beautiful young woman comes downstairs.

-Have you asked for me?

- Yes, I want to spend the night with you.

- Alright but my service is a bit expensive. $1000 for a night....

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Saw people having an argument on their canal boat.

Bit of argy bargy.

Sure, I might flip over a table in an argument, but I'd never tip over a bookcase.

I have too much shelf respect.

What did the argumentative frog say?

Rebut!

What do you call it when a marker raises a good argument?

A fine point.

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Golf on Christmas Morning

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll m...

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Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the seco...

Wife and I were having an argument ..

Wife: You should listen to me.

Me: Oh yeah, why is that?

Wife: Coz I have ovaries!

Me: Is that why you Ovary Act?

Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument?

They had a fallout.

I heard a woman on the street today tell her boyfriend “ALL MEN ARE DOGS!” during an argument....

But for some reason she wasn’t very happy when I asked if I could pet him.

And anyways, it was pretty irresponsible to have him off leash and all.

My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.

I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!

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3 married prostitutes were having an argument about their abilities.

The first says that her vagina is so wide that her husband can fit his entire forearm in it. She calls her husband for proof who comes and does exactly that.

Not to be outdone, the second prostitute says that her husband can fit his head in it who comes over and proves her right.

Final...

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A jew and a Chinese man are in an argument...

The jew says, "I hate your people for what you did at pearl harbour". The Chinese man says, what do you mean? That was the Japanese!". The jew replies, "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same. So the Chinese man says, "Well I hate your people for sinking the titanic". The jew says, "That'...

I got into an argument with a blind man.

He just couldn't see my point of view.

√2, π, and -1 were having a discussion about vaccine science

It escalated into an argument and -1 was getting frustrated that his explanations were just being ignored by the others.

"This is impossible. Neither of you are listening to me." he said.

Then π asked him, "Why do you have to be *negative* all the time?"

"Forget it," said -1 as ...

A couple gets into an argument...

The next day when the wife comes home, she sees her husband has covered himself in oil.

"What are you doing?"

"Well," he says, "Yesterday you told me I never glisten."

*"Listen,"* the wife says exasperatedly. "You never *listen!"*

NSFW what'd the sodomite say to his spouse after an argument

lets put a plug in it

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Two older couple…

Two older couple in their 80's rented a room at a fancy hotel on the 59th floor. They got into an argument and the woman threaten to jump out the window. The old guy call down to the front office and asked to speak with the manager. He said " look hmm me and my wife just got into a big fight and now...

I heard that steel got into a heated argument once

Ever since then, it has been tempered metal.

An american couple in Russia

An american couple was being shown around Red square in Moscow one day, by their communist guide, Rudolf, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he s...

A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..

After much argument they decided on the name.


Ravi O'Lee

Which Military Service Is the Best?

A Soldier, a Sailor, an Airman, and a Marine got into an argument about which branch of the service was The Best. The arguing became so heated the four servicemen failed to see an oncoming truck as they crossed the street. They were hit by the truck and killed instantly.

Soon, the four servic...

Son of a…

A birch tree and a beech tree stood next to each other in the woods. They were tall old trees, and usually got on quite well.

One day they noticed a little sapling between them, far below. The birch noticed first and said “Hey beech! Check out that little son of a birch down there!”
...

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My mom and I were in an argument yesterday.

Her: “you son of a bitch!”

Me: “you’re not wrong...”

I was having an argument with my girlfriend and she accused me of being childish.

What does she know? She's just a stinky poo face.

2 electricians got into an argument..

It went on for 5 days.. they just couldn't find any common ground.

Shocking.

A bottle of beer, a mirror, and a condom were having an argument

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!


Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha...amateurs

I never get into arguments with ballerinas

they always have a strong point

The argument

So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal i...

Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday

So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.

You'll never guess who came crawling back

[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]

A new sapling popped up between a maple and a pine tree in the forest and they got into an argument over what kind of tree it was. The maple thinks it's a son of a birch and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other...

The maple barked, "It's a son of a birch!"

The pine bristled, "It's a son of a beech!"

"Son of a birch!"

"Son of a beech!"

After arguing back and forth for a while, they decided that they needed someone else to sort out what kind of tree it was.

They called Mr. Woo...

I'm like Hank Hill when I'm in an argument.

Stern, no nonsense, and my urethra narrows.

I saw a story about how Itzhak Perlman and Kenny G discovered they'd been dating the same woman. An argument about it quickly degenerated into a full on brawl!!

That's the trouble with the news today, its all sax and violins.

Carlos was the proud owner of a Mexican Bed & Breakfast in Cancun...

It was founded by his Great-grandfather in the 1800s. He had come to Mexico from Spain and bought the run-down place with a loan from from a businessman back home. Through hard work and sheer determination, he had built the place up to a relatively successful B&B.

After his death, he lef...

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

Why do girls always have the last word in an argument

Cause their the ones with a period

A couple are on the brink of an argument

Finally, at her wits end, the girlfriend shouts in an exasperated voice "Can you stop being a flamingo for one goddamn second?"

He had to put his foot down.

Boris Johnson just had an argument with the cabinet

Now he's about to go yell at the table

Just had an argument with the wife.

She was angry because I didn't open the car door. What happened was that I just panicked and swam to the surface.

— maybe Denis Taylor, via Steve Davis

what happens when two Samurai got into and argument

it might take a while but they will sword things out eventually.

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

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An Italian and a Greek are hanging out

An Italian and a Greek are having an argument. Each is trying to one up the other.

Greek: Greeks do everything better than Italians. Did you know that Hawaiian pizza was invented by a Greek.

Italian: Sex too was invented by Greeks, but it was Italians that introduced women to it!

I got in to an argument with my husband

I guess i lost,because he wouldn't let me ride my wheelchair

A farmer had an argument with his wife

and she brought her mother to live with them. After 3 weeks of nagging, the mother in law went out one morning to the barn to the donkey stall. She was picking up the straw, and saw a spider. She shrieked, and the alarmed donkey kicked her in the head and killed her.

All the farmer's neighbou...

A woman has the last word in any argument.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A scientist got into an argument with God...

The scientist said, "We have decided we no longer need you, as we can create anything in the laboratory just as easy as you can create something."

God said, "OK let's see who can create a human from dirt."

The scientist reached down and gathered up some dirt...

God said, "Hey! G...

The arguments between the "pro-mask" and "anti-mask" groups is really intense! People are even PRACTICING their arguments at home first.

Just yesterday I heard a 14 y/o boy tell his friend that at home he mask debates into a sock!

5 people arrive at a police checkpoint in their car...

The policeman stops them: "You do realise you are breaking the law" he tells the driver.

Driver: "how so?"

Policeman: "what car are you driving?"

Driver: "An Audi Quattro, its very nice"

Policeman: "And there are currently 5 people in this car, correct?"

Driver: "...

During an argument with my wife, she dropped the old "why did you even marry me?" line.

Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.

Three Engineers are having an argument...

The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."

The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."

The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline throu...

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