What do you call the argument between two vegans?

A plant-based beef.




P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]

A new sapling popped up between a maple and a pine tree in the forest and they got into an argument over what kind of tree it was. The maple thinks it's a son of a birch and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other...

The maple barked, "It's a son of a birch!"

The pine bristled, "It's a son of a beech!"

"Son of a birch!"

"Son of a beech!"

After arguing back and forth for a while, they decided that they needed someone else to sort out what kind of tree it was.

They called Mr. Woo...

A bottle of beer, a mirror, and a condom were having an argument

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!


Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha...amateurs

My wife and I had an argument as to which is the most important vowel.

I won.

I got into an argument with a blind man.

He just couldn't see my point of view.

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3 married prostitutes were having an argument about their abilities.

The first says that her vagina is so wide that her husband can fit his entire forearm in it. She calls her husband for proof who comes and does exactly that.

Not to be outdone, the second prostitute says that her husband can fit his head in it who comes over and proves her right.

Final...

Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....

But when I got home, the tables were turned

How do you stop an argument between 2 deaf people?

Turn off the lights.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

What's the difference between a knife and a girl in a argument ?

The knife has a point

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A Russian and an American get into an Argument

A Russian and an American get into an argument about who has more rights, the American says he got alot more rights, and tells the Russian that he can go to the White House and talk shit about the president and no one will do anything to him


The Russian replies with the fact that he can ...

A woman has the last word in any argument.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Why do girls always have the last word in an argument

Cause their the ones with a period

What did the Russian say when he lost the argument against communism?

Soviet

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A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast.

A doctor and his wife were have a huge argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!”then stormed off to work. By mid-morning he knew he needed to make amends, so he called home. “What took you so long to answer?” He asked. “I was in bed,” she replied. “What were you d...

Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife.

Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

My brother was trying to convince me that it’s harder to win an argument with a buffoon than it is with a reasonable person....

I told him that people who are intelligent are going to come back with strong counter argument and sound logic — making it difficult to stump them... And of course he came back with this notion that at the end of the day if a foolish person is too prideful to ever admit they’re wrong, they can just ...

Members of a synagogue are having a terrible argument...

...Do you stand for the repetition of the Amidah \[prayer\] or do you sit?

Half the congregation says “We always stand.” The other half says, “No, no, no, you sit.”

They’re arguing and screaming at each other. Finally they go see the last surviving founder of the shul. They say, “Mr....

Me and a homeschooler got into an argument about the education system.

He went on a rant about how education in America is broken and asked me, "who's running the education system?"

"Your mom," I replied.

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A Frenchman and an American are drinking on vacation and get into an argument over who is a better lover...

...so they agree to settle the debate with a contest: who can make love more times that night with their significant other.

The American and his girlfriend make their way back to their hotel room, he immediately proceeds to rip off his gf's clothes and have sex with her - and tallies a mark ...

An argument between a couple

GF: I'm tired of you pretending to be a detective, we should split up

BF: good idea, we'll cover more ground that way

2 electricians got into an argument..

It went on for 5 days.. they just couldn't find any common ground.

Shocking.

Without our watches, our argument about the time of day could have gone on forever

But since we were tired from a long day of spelunking, we decided to call it a night.

A scientist got into an argument with God...

The scientist said, "We have decided we no longer need you, as we can create anything in the laboratory just as easy as you can create something."

God said, "OK let's see who can create a human from dirt."

The scientist reached down and gathered up some dirt...

God said, "Hey! G...

Did you ever hear the one about the husband who beat his wife in an argument?

Neither have I.

I was having an argument with my friend the other day

He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was!

Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.

Having an argument in a relationship is like going to a rock concert

It starts with the new stuff but ends with the old hits

My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.

I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!

This one time I got into an argument with my furnace.

You could say things got a little heated

An American and a Russian get into an argument about who’s government is better

The Russian says: "In my country I can walk into the Kremlin, pound the General Secretary’s desk and say, 'Mr. Putin, I don't like the way you are running our country.'"

The American says: “I can do that too.”

The Russian says: “You can?"

The American says: “Yes, I can go into ...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday

So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.

You'll never guess who came crawling back

[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]

Why did the atheist get in an argument with the priest?

He was playing devil's advocate

A husband and wife have another awful argument,

The wife calls her mother. “I can't handle this anymore mom! I’m coming over to live with you.” To which her mother replies, “No, no, darling. He must pay for his mistake. I’m coming to live with you.”

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Rip karen

I was working in a movie theatre in France, a customer started an argument with my manager, who was a highly functional alcoholic and did not give a fuck about pleasing Karens. She stupidly said ''customer is king" to which he replied "we' re in France, we decapitate Kings"

My wife and I were having a huge argument...

I took off my glasses and said, "I don't even want to see you right now!".

My wife and I had a long argument last night as to whose turn it was to do laundry.

Eventually I folded.

Had an argument with my mom

Trying hard to tell my mom that my son is better looking then her son!

The argument

So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal i...

Why does the fungus always win the argument?

They don't leave mushroom for debate

Went to view a house earlier with period features and the wife and I had a massive argument.

She really hates it when I call her that.

Three vampire brothers were standing in a moonlit pasture, having an argument about who was strongest...

The youngest of the three says “You know what? You guys are always underestimating me. I’ll show you what I’m capable of.”

He flies off at 100 miles per hour and comes back 10 minutes later, his mouth dripping with blood. “Do you see that mansion on the hill up there?” he asks.

“ I j...

What do you call an argument among Trump's staff?

Clash of klans.

Four rabbis get into an argument

One rabbi claimed that he knew what a bible passage meant, but the other three thought he was wrong.

The lone rabbi asked God for a sign that he is right, and behold, it began to rain! However, the other rabbis were unconvinced, thinking "it was only a coincidence and didn't prove anything."<...

I had an argument with my girlfriend in an elevator.

I have never been wrong on so many levels.

So we tried using the escalator and I saw how quickly it escalated.

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

What do you call an argument you have while you're high?

Grass fed beef.





BTW I came up with this myself.

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A big trip to the mountains with married women and their mothers-in-law was organized. They would go there by separate busses (the women in one bus and the mothers-in-law in another).

During the trip to the mountains, the bus carrying the mothers-in-law had a flat tire. Suddenly the bus driver lost control and the bus fell off the mountain, at least a couple thousand meters downhill. No chance anyone in that bus survived it. Obviously all of the women started cheering up, startin...

I haven’t spoken to my wife for a month. We haven’t had an argument.

I just don’t like interrupting her.

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A doctor and his wife are having a heated argument over breakfast.

The fight escalates, both say things they’d soon regret, and he caps it off with “...and sex with you ain’t so great anyway!” before storming off to work.

During his lunch time, he feels horrible, and decides to call his wife to apologize. After 10 rings, she finally answers.

“What too...

Valid arguments are like anime openings

There’s always a but(t).

Got into an argument with a German guy at the bar

He angrily slams down his beer and asks "How many World Cups have you Americans won?"

I sneer under my breath and say"How many World Wars have you guys won"

2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven

They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.

Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2:
“I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.
The good news is that there is baseball in heaven.
The b...

What do Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley do after an argument?

They KISS and makeup

What do you call a public argument about NOFAP?

A mass-debate.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, assuming for purposes of argument that it is within the power of a woodchuck to chuck wood?

You woodn't believe it, but the woodchuck axeually started his own branch. Experts suggest he took the wrong root to success, however, sapping all growth from the market.

Someone told me that there are always two side to an argument...

I'm not sure I agree.

A guy I know told me: "Men should always have the last words in an argument with their wife."

They are "Yes, Honey."

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Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the seco...

The Proclaimers and Vanessa Carlton get into an argument...

The Proclaimers insist they'd walk 500 miles and then 500 more.

Vanessa straight up says she will walk a thousand miles.

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Hitler, Stalin and Osama Bin Ladin are having an Argument

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked

Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"

Osama Bin Ladin says, "Nonsense, I have killed hundreds of thousands of people and have brought grief millions of families"

Hitler said "Why don't w...

A non-partisan election joke! Not Republican or Democrat

Since we're at the end of the presidential campaign, I figured some political humor might be in store. The following is a funny and true story shared with me by KC Williams who teaches AP Government at Santa Fe High School. In one of KC's classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be presid...

A cannibal is on trial, and with insurmountable evidence against him he stands and delivers his final argument.

Your honour, I’m not a cannibal, I’m a humanitarian!

Why can't you win an argument with a comedian?

They always get the last laugh.

What did the cashew say to the peanut during an argument?......

Cashew outside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japanese couple having an argument:

Husband "Sukitaki!"
Wife replies "Kowanini!"
Husband "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife, on her knees literally begging "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband replies angrily "kina tim kouji!"

And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese.

I was having an argument with my wife the other day

She wanted me to do the dishes, and I just didn't feel like it. We went at it for about 5 minutes, just cursing and arguing. "I always do the dishes blah blah blah" So I gave in and did the dishes. My other wife said it was bigamy to let her win, but I just can't stand arguing.

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Me:*watches argument about global warming*

Also me: *oh shit thing are getting heated*

I got in an argument with a bowler

I got in an argument with a bowler about who's life is harder, and he told me that I should walk a mile in his shoes.

I told him he wears those rental shoes, I'm sure I have.

Anti-Vaxxers are immune to logical arguments

too bad for them they aren't immune to everything else

Person 1: The best way to end an argument is to say “you’re right”.

Person 2: What do you mean, that’s never going to work.

Person 1: You’re right...

I saw a couple of kids having an argument about Shakespeare

One was yelling about Macbeth. The other was yelling about Hamlet.

I thought it was much ado about nothing.

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

How does someone who lost an arm starts an argument?

Well, on the one hand

When vegans have an argument, is it still beef?

No. It’s leaf.

(My little cousin has just told me the old joke, and I instantaneously made up the answer. Thought I’d share it with you all!)

In a fierce argument, the woman says to her husband.

\- "I would be better off had I married the devil!"

\- "Well, you couldn't. Marriage between two close relatives is illegal!"

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Settling The Ultimate Debate (LONG, OC)

Jerry didn't really like his name, but it could have been much worse. He could have been named after his father Zorelle. Jerry had a dyslexic brother named Dave who worshipped Christopher Reeve and loved quoting the old Superman movies.

One day while in quarantine, Jerry was up early browsin...

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A jew and a Chinese man are in an argument...

The jew says, "I hate your people for what you did at pearl harbour". The Chinese man says, what do you mean? That was the Japanese!". The jew replies, "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same. So the Chinese man says, "Well I hate your people for sinking the titanic". The jew says, "That'...

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A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

What do you call the feverish spread of strongly worded arguments against very lame and badly functioning replacement arms that tell the future while composing strictly written limericks while moving from place to place?

A parapatetic pathetic prophetic pedantic poetic paretic prosthetic polemic pandemic.

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3 good arguments that Jesus was black [long]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33 <...

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Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

Men always have the last word in arguments with their wives

Sorry

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My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.

She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

Two old men are having an argument over which one of them has lived their life to it's fullest

The first man, old, wrinkled and his scalp topped with few white strains of hair, proclaims:
>"I have only been able to achieve my proud age of 98 through a steadily upheld 6 hour workout routine on a daily basis. I may have lost some time, but it was completely worth it."

The second m...

Who won the argument between the 20 degree angle and the 90 degree angle

The 90 degree angle because 90 degrees is always right

Two Egyptians are having an argument

The first Egyptian farts and the second one laughs so hard he farts.

"Well, at least we have a Tutankhamun!"

During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, in spite of our numerous arguments.

It was a case of he shed, she shed.

A couple in an old people’s home we’re having an argument, Margaret found out Egbert had been cheating. Egbert did love a handjob.

Margaret said to Egbert ‘What does Dorothy have that I don’t?
Egbert replied ‘Parkinsons’.

How did the dyslexic logician get invited into the KKK?

In an article about argumentation he wrote that "you're either white or you're wrong."

I win every argument I have with my chinese friend...

He's Wong, and I'm white.

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When The Body Was First Made, Who Was the Most Important

One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position ...

Why don’t you want to win an argument with your wife?

Because you don’t want to be married to a loser

I just watched a TV show where a bunch of stoners are sitting around having mild arguments.

It’s a mellow drama.

My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now."

Horrified, she said, "What? You wish our son had never been born!?"

"No." I replied. "I got his girlfriend pregnant."

During an argument with my wife, she dropped the old "why did you even marry me?" line.

Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.

I overheard two people having a argument about vaccines.

Guy 1: How could people even think that vaccines are harmful?

Guy 2: Well when I was young my parents did an experiment they got me vaccinated and my twin was vaccination free.
Now I have had many sicknesses while my brother had almost none!

Guy 1: Wait I never knew you had a twin.<...

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A difficult marriage.

A husband and wife were having marital struggles due to constant disagreements and an imbalance in responsibilities. The husband would come home from work and yell at his wife for not having dinner ready. The wife would yell at the husband for ignoring all the cleaning she's done when he tracked his...

I had a argument with a friend recently. 5 days ago I super glued his phone to his hand.

He just can't let it go.

“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”

In America, a compliment.

In the Middle East, an argument.

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Once there was a fight between Human Body Parts.

Brain said- I am the Boss, because I take all decisions.

Feet said they want to be the boss because they carry the whole load.

Heart said it is the lifeline and no one can survive without it.

Similarly, Lungs, kidney, liver, Hands, Eyes, etc came up with their reasons.

Wh...

An argument developed between the forest animals

It was over a small sapling that had grown between two large trees. One side argued that it was a son of a beech, the other thought it was the son of a birch.

They asked the woodpecker to decide the matter, since he was the expert on trees. He flew down to the sapling, took a sample and ret...

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

I got into an argument with my tailor the other day...

We argued about my choice in clothes and he gave up and said


"Fine, suit yourself"

Did you hear about the argument between a pencil and a sharpener?

The sharpener made a better point.

A girl is talking to her friend about the argument she had with her boyfriend.

-What happened? Why are you so sad?
-I was arguing with my boyfriend and told him to try and see from my point of view. He went to the kitchen's window...

Me and my blind friend got into an argument...

Needless to say we didn’t see Eye to eye

A nun and a priest are in a heated argument

The priest insists that since he is higher up on the Catholic food chain, God must love him more than the nun. The nun disagrees and says that God loves everyone equally. The priest comes to the conclusion that he can only settle this discussion by having God arbitrate the debate for them. So he kne...

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Two drunks are at a bar having an argument.....

Two drunks are are in a rooftop bar having an argument about politics, sports, trivia and what ever is on tv. When one drunk looks at the other and says " Did you know that the updraft is so strong between these buildings that if you jump off, it will blow you right back to the top?"

"Bulls...

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