Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....

But when I got home, the tables were turned

I was having an argument with my friend the other day

He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was!

Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.

A rabbit and a lion once got into an argument...

Once

My wife and I had this long argument about which vowel is the most important.

I think I won.

What color can stop any argument?

Agreen

A scientist got into an argument with God...

The scientist said, "We have decided we no longer need you, as we can create anything in the laboratory just as easy as you can create something."

God said, "OK let's see who can create a human from dirt."

The scientist reached down and gathered up some dirt...

God said, "Hey! G...

Went to view a house earlier with period features and the wife and I had a massive argument.

She really hates it when I call her that.

2 electricians got into an argument..

It went on for 5 days.. they just couldn't find any common ground.

Shocking.

My wife and I had a long argument last night as to whose turn it was to do laundry.

Eventually I folded.

Why did the atheist get in an argument with the priest?

He was playing devil's advocate

What's the fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the lights.

Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday

So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.

You'll never guess who came crawling back

[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]

Valid arguments are like anime openings

There’s always a but(t).

I had an argument with my girlfriend in an elevator.

I have never been wrong on so many levels.

So we tried using the escalator and I saw how quickly it escalated.

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

When two vegans have an argument...

...is it still call a beef?

An American and a Soviet get into an argument about their governments

The American said,"In my country I can walk into the oval office, pound the president's desk and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running our country.'"

The Russian said,"I can do that."

The American said,"You can?"

The Russian said,"Yes, I can go into the Kr...

My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.

I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!

Had an argument with my mom

Trying hard to tell my mom that my son is better looking then her son!

I haven’t spoken to my wife for a month. We haven’t had an argument.

I just don’t like interrupting her.

Four rabbis get into an argument

One rabbi claimed that he knew what a bible passage meant, but the other three thought he was wrong.

The lone rabbi asked God for a sign that he is right, and behold, it began to rain! However, the other rabbis were unconvinced, thinking "it was only a coincidence and didn't prove anything."<...

What do Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley do after an argument?

They KISS and makeup

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, assuming for purposes of argument that it is within the power of a woodchuck to chuck wood?

You woodn't believe it, but the woodchuck axeually started his own branch. Experts suggest he took the wrong root to success, however, sapping all growth from the market.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

A guy I know told me: "Men should always have the last words in an argument with their wife."

They are "Yes, Honey."

The Proclaimers and Vanessa Carlton get into an argument...

The Proclaimers insist they'd walk 500 miles and then 500 more.

Vanessa straight up says she will walk a thousand miles.

Three vampire brothers were standing in a moonlit pasture, having an argument about who was strongest...

The youngest of the three says “You know what? You guys are always underestimating me. I’ll show you what I’m capable of.”

He flies off at 100 miles per hour and comes back 10 minutes later, his mouth dripping with blood. “Do you see that mansion on the hill up there?” he asks.

“ I j...

What do you call a public argument about NOFAP?

A mass-debate.

The argument

So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal i...

What do you call an argument among Trump's staff?

Clash of klans.

A cannibal is on trial, and with insurmountable evidence against him he stands and delivers his final argument.

Your honour, I’m not a cannibal, I’m a humanitarian!

Why can't you win an argument with a comedian?

They always get the last laugh.

I was having an argument with my wife the other day

She wanted me to do the dishes, and I just didn't feel like it. We went at it for about 5 minutes, just cursing and arguing. "I always do the dishes blah blah blah" So I gave in and did the dishes. My other wife said it was bigamy to let her win, but I just can't stand arguing.

Got into an argument with a German guy at the bar

He angrily slams down his beer and asks "How many World Cups have you Americans won?"

I sneer under my breath and say"How many World Wars have you guys won"

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

What do you call an argument you have while you're high?

Grass fed beef.





BTW I came up with this myself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me:*watches argument about global warming*

Also me: *oh shit thing are getting heated*

What did the cashew say to the peanut during an argument?......

Cashew outside.

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A doctor and his wife are having a heated argument over breakfast.

The fight escalates, both say things they’d soon regret, and he caps it off with “...and sex with you ain’t so great anyway!” before storming off to work.

During his lunch time, he feels horrible, and decides to call his wife to apologize. After 10 rings, she finally answers.

“What too...

There is an argument taking place between a son and father regarding marriage.

Father: "So,you will only marry your girlfriend and no other girl ?"

Son: "Yes."

Father:"What does she have in her that the others don't ?"

Son: "Your grandchild."

I saw a couple of kids having an argument about Shakespeare

One was yelling about Macbeth. The other was yelling about Hamlet.

I thought it was much ado about nothing.

Person 1: The best way to end an argument is to say “you’re right”.

Person 2: What do you mean, that’s never going to work.

Person 1: You’re right...

2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven

They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.

Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2:
“I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.
The good news is that there is baseball in heaven.
The b...

Waiter: “And how would you like your steak cooked?” Me: “ Like winning an argument with my wife.”

Waiter: “Rare it is.”

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Japanese couple having an argument:

Husband "Sukitaki!"
Wife replies "Kowanini!"
Husband "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife, on her knees literally begging "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband replies angrily "kina tim kouji!"

And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese.

How does someone who lost an arm starts an argument?

Well, on the one hand

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Hitler, Stalin and Osama Bin Ladin are having an Argument

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked

Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"

Osama Bin Ladin says, "Nonsense, I have killed hundreds of thousands of people and have brought grief millions of families"

Hitler said "Why don't w...

What do you call the feverish spread of strongly worded arguments against very lame and badly functioning replacement arms that tell the future while composing strictly written limericks while moving from place to place?

A parapatetic pathetic prophetic pedantic poetic paretic prosthetic polemic pandemic.

Anti-Vaxxers are immune to logical arguments

too bad for them they aren't immune to everything else

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”

The second bull says, “That pretty much says...

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Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

I got in an argument with a bowler

I got in an argument with a bowler about who's life is harder, and he told me that I should walk a mile in his shoes.

I told him he wears those rental shoes, I'm sure I have.

Me and my friend just had an argument about perception.

I guess we just see things differently.

Men always have the last word in arguments with their wives

Sorry

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A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

Two trees are having an argument in the forest.

A new a sapling has popped up between a maple and a pine and the two of them got into an argument over what kind of tree it is.
The maple thinks it's a son of a birch, and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other.
Maple "it's a son of a birch"
...

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins.

if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

When vegans have an argument, is it still beef?

No. It’s leaf.

(My little cousin has just told me the old joke, and I instantaneously made up the answer. Thought I’d share it with you all!)

“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”

In America, a compliment.

In the Middle East, an argument.

In a fierce argument, the woman says to her husband.

\- "I would be better off had I married the devil!"

\- "Well, you couldn't. Marriage between two close relatives is illegal!"

During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, in spite of our numerous arguments.

It was a case of he shed, she shed.

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Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could talk to her after class

Johnny:" Miss I believe im too smart for my age I want to move on directly to high-school, I'm bored in here."
Hearing that, teacher can't believe his audacity, but nevertheless aranges with the principal an exam in his office for the boy.
The principal is astounded to find that Johnny had an...

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Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the seco...

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I needed a new way of saying, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

I was in an argument with someone and didn't want to say, "If the shoe fits, then wear it."

And I came up with

"If the dildo fits then go fuck yourself."

:)

Two Egyptians are having an argument

The first Egyptian farts and the second one laughs so hard he farts.

"Well, at least we have a Tutankhamun!"

A couple in an old people’s home we’re having an argument, Margaret found out Egbert had been cheating. Egbert did love a handjob.

Margaret said to Egbert ‘What does Dorothy have that I don’t?
Egbert replied ‘Parkinsons’.

An argument developed between the forest animals

It was over a small sapling that had grown between two large trees. One side argued that it was a son of a beech, the other thought it was the son of a birch.

They asked the woodpecker to decide the matter, since he was the expert on trees. He flew down to the sapling, took a sample and ret...

I had a argument with a friend recently. 5 days ago I super glued his phone to his hand.

He just can't let it go.

Who won the argument between the 20 degree angle and the 90 degree angle

The 90 degree angle because 90 degrees is always right

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

My wife and I are total opposites

We got in an argument about it.

I was right.

She left.

I just watched a TV show where a bunch of stoners are sitting around having mild arguments.

It’s a mellow drama.

Two old men are having an argument over which one of them has lived their life to it's fullest

The first man, old, wrinkled and his scalp topped with few white strains of hair, proclaims:
>"I have only been able to achieve my proud age of 98 through a steadily upheld 6 hour workout routine on a daily basis. I may have lost some time, but it was completely worth it."

The second m...

I overheard two people having a argument about vaccines.

Guy 1: How could people even think that vaccines are harmful?

Guy 2: Well when I was young my parents did an experiment they got me vaccinated and my twin was vaccination free.
Now I have had many sicknesses while my brother had almost none!

Guy 1: Wait I never knew you had a twin.<...

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3 good arguments that Jesus was black [long]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33 <...

My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now."

Horrified, she said, "What? You wish our son had never been born!?"

"No." I replied. "I got his girlfriend pregnant."

I got into an argument with my tailor the other day...

We argued about my choice in clothes and he gave up and said


"Fine, suit yourself"

What does a formal argument and a worm on a hook have in common?

De bate.

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

Me and my blind friend got into an argument...

Needless to say we didn’t see Eye to eye

The functions stopped calling each other...

Because they had constant arguments.

I win every argument I have with my chinese friend...

He's Wong, and I'm white.

What's common between a computer that just crashed and a guy who just had an argument with his wife ?

Both of them proceed in safe mode.

Request from a worried P*nis

I, the P\*nis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:



1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. In fact holidays and weekends are when I to...

In the Oval Office

Donald Trump and Rudy Guiliani are in the Oval Office and are arguing about the weather. Trump says it's snowing, while Guiliani says it's drizzling. Melania enters the room, and sees the argument in full display. Finallly she interjects by saying, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear," and leaves the ...

Why don’t you want to win an argument with your wife?

Because you don’t want to be married to a loser

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A jew and a Chinese man are in an argument...

The jew says, "I hate your people for what you did at pearl harbour". The Chinese man says, what do you mean? That was the Japanese!". The jew replies, "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same. So the Chinese man says, "Well I hate your people for sinking the titanic". The jew says, "That'...

A girl is talking to her friend about the argument she had with her boyfriend.

-What happened? Why are you so sad?
-I was arguing with my boyfriend and told him to try and see from my point of view. He went to the kitchen's window...

Did you hear about the argument between a pencil and a sharpener?

The sharpener made a better point.

A nun and a priest are in a heated argument

The priest insists that since he is higher up on the Catholic food chain, God must love him more than the nun. The nun disagrees and says that God loves everyone equally. The priest comes to the conclusion that he can only settle this discussion by having God arbitrate the debate for them. So he kne...

Phil got in an argument with his girlfriend two days ago.

And even though he was right she was still very upset. Because she was so mad Phil thought it would be smart to sleep on the couch. The next morning he woke up to a note on the fridge. “I’m going to be with my mother today, when I get home there had better get me something that’ll go from 0-200 in l...

Why wives always win the argument

A man and his wife had a dispute. As a result of their spat, the woman left the room in a Huff, refusing to speak to the man. After several days, neither had spoken to the other and there was an unspoken understanding between the two of them at this point that whomever spoke out loud first was the l...

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Two drunks are at a bar having an argument.....

Two drunks are are in a rooftop bar having an argument about politics, sports, trivia and what ever is on tv. When one drunk looks at the other and says " Did you know that the updraft is so strong between these buildings that if you jump off, it will blow you right back to the top?"

"Bulls...

I lost an argument to a scoliosis patient the other day...

I guess I stand corrected.

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I was having an argument with a big fat ugly twat the other day and everything I said he repeated, this went on for over an hour, then I realised I was looking at a mirror.

On reflection, I suppose he was right.

In an argument, a woman always has the last word.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Today I had an argument with my gf.

She threatened to leave me and saying "there is plenty of a fish in the sea"
So I replied "there was, until you've eaten them all with chips"

During an argument with my wife, she dropped the old "why did you even marry me?" line.

Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.

I was having an argument with my flat earthier friend ...

... He said he'd walk to the edge of the world to prove he was right. He came around eventually.

Two Greek philosophers get into an argument...

Euclid: You've been a very good pupil this past year, Eubulides, but now it's time for you to pay the 50 drachma you owe me for all the philosophy I've taught you.

Eubulides pauses to think for a moment.

Eubulides: Hm, as much as I would love to pay you back, I'm afraid that's not po...

Why should you never get in an argument with a pogo stick?

They always jump to conclusions.

The Cuckoo Clock Mayhem

I was invited for dinner with my old friends.

I swore to my wife that I'd be back at midnight. She didn't believe me, but I still went there.

The meal was very tasty, time flied, my blood was already scarce compared to all of the alcohol and I was extremely drunk. At about 3 AM, I went...

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Winning an online argument with a grammar rule is like camping in an online shooter

If someone does it to you, they’re an ass. If you do it to someone else, it’s a legitimate strategy!

How wives win any argument ?

do you wanna win this or stay happy ?

Two people are fighting over a toaster

One decides to end the argument and says “put a fork in it”

The wife complained Hunting season keeps us separated to much.

So I agreed to take her along for the deer hunt.

Took her to a nice tree stand. Told her" you can shoot a buck or a doe. It doesn't matter

I'm going about 100 yds that way"

No more than got to my spot when I heard BANG BANG BANG. So I rushed to where I left my wife, only to find...

What's the difference between a girl's argument and a knife...

The knife has a point.

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.

This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bo...

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Bill, Steve and Jim are discussing when they get in arguments with their wives

Bill says "When I get in an argument with my wife, I tell her I'm sick of listening, heres the way it is, and that's the way its going to be. Then that's the end of the argument."


Steve replies "Hmm. Well, when I get in an argument with my wife, I calmly explain to her why she is wron...

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Plane Crash

Three men survive a plane crash in the snowy mountains. There is no way to escape. Their only hope is to survive until rescue arrives.

After a few weeks they come to the realization without food they are going to die. So they decide they are going to have to eat one of them so the others may ...

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I sit here and realize I’m wiped from each side’s argument. It doesn’t even matter which way I roll; I still get shit. I refuse to push it any harder.

I really don’t care which way the toilet paper faces.

Fifty dollars is fifty dollars.

Harold lived on a farm and his wife,Mabel, who was always sort of nagging him. And every year the carnival roll into town and have these $50 helicopter rides. He always wanted to take one of these helicopter rides but his wife told him they weren’t going to waste money on it. Then one year when they...

Why did Steve Jobs hate arguments with Bill Gates?

He could never WinThose

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AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,...

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