What do you call the argument between two vegans?

A plant-based beef.




P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]

After an extremely tense argument with my girlfriend, the house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

Things got a lot worse when I saw the grenade fly towards me.

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How do you win an argument with your family this Thanksgiving?

Click the 'End Meeting' button

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

What's the difference between an argument in kindergarten and the presidential debate?

About 70 years

Vegans never have arguments between them.

Cause they dont want any kind of beef.

Wife and I were having an argument ..

Wife: You should listen to me.

Me: Oh yeah, why is that?

Wife: Coz I have ovaries!

Me: Is that why you Ovary Act?

I heard a woman on the street today tell her boyfriend “ALL MEN ARE DOGS!” during an argument....

But for some reason she wasn’t very happy when I asked if I could pet him.

And anyways, it was pretty irresponsible to have him off leash and all.

A couple are on the brink of an argument

Finally, at her wits end, the girlfriend shouts in an exasperated voice "Can you stop being a flamingo for one goddamn second?"

He had to put his foot down.

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My wife took off her shirt and bra right when I was winning an argument.....

It was a booby trap.

Please settle an argument between me and my wife about whether it's ok to pee in the bath

I think it's fine but my wife says I should wait until she's finished her bath

If two vegans have an argument is it still called a ‘beef’?

Or is it a quornfrontation?...

My wife and I had this long argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.

Finally I threw in the towel.

Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument?

They had a fallout.

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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.

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My mom and I were in an argument yesterday.

Her: “you son of a bitch!”

Me: “you’re not wrong...”

Two handymen are having an argument.

Bill the handyman says, "Bob, you're an amateur and don't deserve to be a handyman."

Bob the handyman replies, "Bill, I know everything a proper handyman should."

"Oh yeah?" says Bill. "I bet you don't even know what to do if someone wants their yard closed off."

"Well now, I ta...

Just had an argument with the wife.

She was angry because I didn't open the car door. What happened was that I just panicked and swam to the surface.

— maybe Denis Taylor, via Steve Davis

What do you call it when a marker raises a good argument?

A fine point.

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the light!

Guys I need your help, in the middle of an argument with my wife,

she told me that I'm right,

what do I do next?

I got into an argument with a blind man.

He just couldn't see my point of view.

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My girlfriend and I just had an argument about posting our sextape, from start to finish online.

Is it pronounced Jif (like peanutbutter) or Gif (like gift)?

I was having an argument with the wife and she said " When i married you, i thought ypu where brave".....

And i said "So did i all my friends"...

what happens when two Samurai got into and argument

it might take a while but they will sword things out eventually.

I was having an argument with my girlfriend and she accused me of being childish.

What does she know? She's just a stinky poo face.

Boris Johnson just had an argument with the cabinet

Now he's about to go yell at the table

Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....

But when I got home, the tables were turned

I never get into arguments with ballerinas

they always have a strong point

A bottle of beer, a mirror, and a condom were having an argument

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!


Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha...amateurs

I'm like Hank Hill when I'm in an argument.

Stern, no nonsense, and my urethra narrows.

The arguments between the "pro-mask" and "anti-mask" groups is really intense! People are even PRACTICING their arguments at home first.

Just yesterday I heard a 14 y/o boy tell his friend that at home he mask debates into a sock!

A new sapling popped up between a maple and a pine tree in the forest and they got into an argument over what kind of tree it was. The maple thinks it's a son of a birch and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other...

The maple barked, "It's a son of a birch!"

The pine bristled, "It's a son of a beech!"

"Son of a birch!"

"Son of a beech!"

After arguing back and forth for a while, they decided that they needed someone else to sort out what kind of tree it was.

They called Mr. Woo...

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3 married prostitutes were having an argument about their abilities.

The first says that her vagina is so wide that her husband can fit his entire forearm in it. She calls her husband for proof who comes and does exactly that.

Not to be outdone, the second prostitute says that her husband can fit his head in it who comes over and proves her right.

Final...

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Two pieces of poop are having a heated argument. A cup of urine tries to calm them down. One of the poops says “Hey, screw off...

...this is a fecal matter!”

A laser and a microwave got into an argument

I heard it got pretty heated.

What do you call someone who frequently engages in arguments about masks?

A public mask debater.

The Future, past and present were having an argument

it was tense

Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife.

Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

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Three drunk hobos were having an argument over who has the dirtiest underwear

"I have the dirtiest boxers in the entire city," says the first hobo.

As proof, he takes off his filthy brown stained boxers and throws it at a nearby wall.

The boxers stuck to the wall for 10 seconds, before peeling off and landing on the ground with a sickening plop.

Unimpress...

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

I was having an argument with my friend the other day

He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was!

Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.

A farmer had an argument with his wife

and she brought her mother to live with them. After 3 weeks of nagging, the mother in law went out one morning to the barn to the donkey stall. She was picking up the straw, and saw a spider. She shrieked, and the alarmed donkey kicked her in the head and killed her.

All the farmer's neighbou...

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits fo their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

A blonde and a police officer get into a argument after she questions why the blonde is wearing a bear suit

"I have rights you know!" says the blonde, "It says in the constitution that I have a right to bear arms".

Why will you always lose an argument with a bee’s ass?

It always has a point

Why do girls always have the last word in an argument

Cause their the ones with a period

A woman and her husband were arguing over the current precipitation...

The woman insisted it was drizzling outside while her husband said that really, it was just misting.


They decided that the argument would be settled by asking their elderly former soviet neighbor Rudolf.


Rudolf grimaced at the sky for a moment and held up a hand to catch so...

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were ...

A couple had their first argument after their marriage - the husband, a paediatrician arguing that the chicken came first and the wife, an OBG taking a stand that it was the egg that came first.

They went to their neighbour, an old wise professor to prove the other wrong.

The professor being the lazy retired man he is, said
"It does not matter anyway as they are a new paradox talking about an age old paradox"

A woman has the last word in any argument.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Where are we?

Not mine:

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before w...

The bull

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.

First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."

Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "...

Members of a synagogue are having a terrible argument...

...Do you stand for the repetition of the Amidah \[prayer\] or do you sit?

Half the congregation says “We always stand.” The other half says, “No, no, no, you sit.”

They’re arguing and screaming at each other. Finally they go see the last surviving founder of the shul. They say, “Mr....

My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.

I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!

What do you call an argument that suddenly changes topics?

A debate and switch.

My brother was trying to convince me that it’s harder to win an argument with a buffoon than it is with a reasonable person....

I told him that people who are intelligent are going to come back with strong counter argument and sound logic — making it difficult to stump them... And of course he came back with this notion that at the end of the day if a foolish person is too prideful to ever admit they’re wrong, they can just ...

2 electricians got into an argument..

It went on for 5 days.. they just couldn't find any common ground.

Shocking.

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A Russian and an American get into an Argument

A Russian and an American get into an argument about who has more rights, the American says he got alot more rights, and tells the Russian that he can go to the White House and talk shit about the president and no one will do anything to him


The Russian replies with the fact that he can ...

What did the Russian say when he lost the argument against communism?

Soviet

Me and a homeschooler got into an argument about the education system.

He went on a rant about how education in America is broken and asked me, "who's running the education system?"

"Your mom," I replied.

A scientist got into an argument with God...

The scientist said, "We have decided we no longer need you, as we can create anything in the laboratory just as easy as you can create something."

God said, "OK let's see who can create a human from dirt."

The scientist reached down and gathered up some dirt...

God said, "Hey! G...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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A Frenchman and an American are drinking on vacation and get into an argument over who is a better lover...

...so they agree to settle the debate with a contest: who can make love more times that night with their significant other.

The American and his girlfriend make their way back to their hotel room, he immediately proceeds to rip off his gf's clothes and have sex with her - and tallies a mark ...

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Little Timmy comes home from school to find his parents in the middle of a fight.

Timmy's parents keep him pretty sheltered, and they don't normally fight in front of him, so he stops to see what is going on. The argument is pretty heated and at this point has devolved to plain old shouting insults at one another.

His mother yells at his father "At least I don't have hairy...

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Why are the flat earthers always at the butt end of a joke?

Cos all their arguments fall flat.

The argument

So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal i...

Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday

So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.

You'll never guess who came crawling back

[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]

My friend says that if I leave my sauces to simmer for longer they'll be a better consistency.

Then, he has always been one for reductionist arguments.

Having an argument in a relationship is like going to a rock concert

It starts with the new stuff but ends with the old hits

This one time I got into an argument with my furnace.

You could say things got a little heated

Three vampire brothers were standing in a moonlit pasture, having an argument about who was strongest...

The youngest of the three says “You know what? You guys are always underestimating me. I’ll show you what I’m capable of.”

He flies off at 100 miles per hour and comes back 10 minutes later, his mouth dripping with blood. “Do you see that mansion on the hill up there?” he asks.

“ I j...

An argument between a couple

GF: I'm tired of you pretending to be a detective, we should split up

BF: good idea, we'll cover more ground that way

Mark and his wife were driving along a country road.

They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. "Relatives of yours?", asked Mark sarcastically.

"Yes," she replied. "My in-laws."

Without our watches, our argument about the time of day could have gone on forever

But since we were tired from a long day of spelunking, we decided to call it a night.

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Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the seco...

Did you ever hear the one about the husband who beat his wife in an argument?

Neither have I.

My wife and I were having a huge argument...

I took off my glasses and said, "I don't even want to see you right now!".

What do you call an argument among Trump's staff?

Clash of klans.

An American and a Russian get into an argument about who’s government is better

The Russian says: "In my country I can walk into the Kremlin, pound the General Secretary’s desk and say, 'Mr. Putin, I don't like the way you are running our country.'"

The American says: “I can do that too.”

The Russian says: “You can?"

The American says: “Yes, I can go into ...

These two drunks are arguing if the thing in the sky is the sun or the moon.

They can’t figure it out so they ask a passerby.

“Hey man we’re having an argument. Is the thing in the sky the sun or the moon?”

“I dunno man I ain’t from this neighborhood.”

Why does the fungus always win the argument?

They don't leave mushroom for debate

Why did the atheist get in an argument with the priest?

He was playing devil's advocate

Four rabbis get into an argument

One rabbi claimed that he knew what a bible passage meant, but the other three thought he was wrong.

The lone rabbi asked God for a sign that he is right, and behold, it began to rain! However, the other rabbis were unconvinced, thinking "it was only a coincidence and didn't prove anything."<...

Four students decide to skip an exam

Four students were attending law college and were quite used to cheating and exploiting to get better grades. Their final exam was due tomorrow and they wanted to get some extra time to hopefully enhance their grades.

The plan was simple: don’t show up tomorrow, spend the whole day learning ...

I can prove the Earth is flat

But people always tell me my arguments keep doing roundabouts

Three mice walk into a bar…

After a few drinks, they get into a heated argument about how tough they are.

The first mouse says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lay on my back and set it off with my foot. Then, I catch the bar with my teeth and bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite. Only then do I make off with t...

What do you call an argument you have while you're high?

Grass fed beef.





BTW I came up with this myself.

A husband and wife have another awful argument,

The wife calls her mother. “I can't handle this anymore mom! I’m coming over to live with you.” To which her mother replies, “No, no, darling. He must pay for his mistake. I’m coming to live with you.”

I had to scold my employee for leaving the air conditioning on for the night

We had a very heated argument.

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A doctor and his wife are having a heated argument over breakfast.

The fight escalates, both say things they’d soon regret, and he caps it off with “...and sex with you ain’t so great anyway!” before storming off to work.

During his lunch time, he feels horrible, and decides to call his wife to apologize. After 10 rings, she finally answers.

“What too...

Had an argument with my mom

Trying hard to tell my mom that my son is better looking then her son!

2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven

They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.

Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2:
“I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.
The good news is that there is baseball in heaven.
The b...

There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch. One day...

They notice a small tree has sprouted up inbetween them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!"

The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!" So, they start arguing back and forth "son of a beech" and "son of a birch".

Eventually, a woodpecker ...

Got into an argument with a German guy at the bar

He angrily slams down his beer and asks "How many World Cups have you Americans won?"

I sneer under my breath and say"How many World Wars have you guys won"

I had an argument with my girlfriend in an elevator.

I have never been wrong on so many levels.

So we tried using the escalator and I saw how quickly it escalated.

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A jew and a Chinese man are in an argument...

The jew says, "I hate your people for what you did at pearl harbour". The Chinese man says, what do you mean? That was the Japanese!". The jew replies, "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same. So the Chinese man says, "Well I hate your people for sinking the titanic". The jew says, "That'...

Valid arguments are like anime openings

There’s always a but(t).

I haven’t spoken to my wife for a month. We haven’t had an argument.

I just don’t like interrupting her.

Went to view a house earlier with period features and the wife and I had a massive argument.

She really hates it when I call her that.

A long haired 16 year-old with a rich grandmother is trying to get her to buy him a car, but she says she will only do it if he cuts his hair

Not wanting to lose his long hair, the teenager argues with her over the course of days. "Grandma, all the other kids have a car!" She replies "I don't care, cut your hair and you can have one too." This argument is repeated multiple times a day, with him also making other arguments. Grandma doesn't...

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better.

A mathematician and a physicist were arguing over whose field of study was better. They decided to settle the argument by posing questions. The mathematician went first, and posed a complicated mathematical problem. With a great deal of effort, several books of mathematical tables and techniques,...

What do you call a public argument about NOFAP?

A mass-debate.

In a fierce argument, the woman says to her husband.

\- "I would be better off had I married the devil!"

\- "Well, you couldn't. Marriage between two close relatives is illegal!"

Anti-Vaxxers are immune to logical arguments

too bad for them they aren't immune to everything else

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, assuming for purposes of argument that it is within the power of a woodchuck to chuck wood?

You woodn't believe it, but the woodchuck axeually started his own branch. Experts suggest he took the wrong root to success, however, sapping all growth from the market.

What do Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley do after an argument?

They KISS and makeup

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Japanese couple having an argument:

Husband "Sukitaki!"
Wife replies "Kowanini!"
Husband "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife, on her knees literally begging "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband replies angrily "kina tim kouji!"

And look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese.

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One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I am the most important.”

THE EYES SAID – “Since I...

A guy I know told me: "Men should always have the last words in an argument with their wife."

They are "Yes, Honey."

Optometrists make for the worst couple arguments.

They rarely see eye to eye.

Only programmers will get this one:

Why did the functions stop calling each other?

Ans: Because they had too many arguments.

Someone told me that there are always two side to an argument...

I'm not sure I agree.

What did the cashew say to the peanut during an argument?......

Cashew outside.

Two old men are having an argument over which one of them has lived their life to it's fullest

The first man, old, wrinkled and his scalp topped with few white strains of hair, proclaims:
>"I have only been able to achieve my proud age of 98 through a steadily upheld 6 hour workout routine on a daily basis. I may have lost some time, but it was completely worth it."

The second m...

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3 good arguments that Jesus was black [long]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33 <...

A cannibal is on trial, and with insurmountable evidence against him he stands and delivers his final argument.

Your honour, I’m not a cannibal, I’m a humanitarian!

The Proclaimers and Vanessa Carlton get into an argument...

The Proclaimers insist they'd walk 500 miles and then 500 more.

Vanessa straight up says she will walk a thousand miles.

During an argument with my wife, she dropped the old "why did you even marry me?" line.

Apparently "Your sister was already taken" was not the right answer.

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