What do you call the argument between two vegans?

A plant-based beef.




P.S. [This is my first joke, pls don't judge too harshly]

During an argument with her husband, a wife was just about to calm down.

But then her husband asked her to calm down...

My girlfriend has just told me, she thinks we'd have less arguments if I wasn't so pedantic.

I told her, "I think you mean fewer".

Internet arguments are like connect four

but you only have three pieces

My wife and I had this long pointless argument as to which vowel is the most important.

I won.

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Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

The two men were in an argument about iPhones vs Androids

It was quite the deviceive issue!

The wife & I were staying at a fancy high rise hotel when the argument started.

Things didnt get any better as the night went on. She started to threaten that she would jump out the window. In a panic I called the front desk. They asked how could they help? I said you better send body up here right away, the window wont open.

How do you solve a marsupial argument?

Trial by wombat

My girlfriend recently left me after we had an argument about What is Love

Such a shame, too, she really Haddaway with words.

So I once saw an argument in a comment section, a man said, “How many chromosomes do you have?”

The other replied, “More than you”.

The sheer confidence he had

Yesterday, my friend and I got into an argument over which vowel was the best

I won.

Half way into my neck treatment, I got into this huge argument with my chiropractor.

Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

After an extremely tense argument with my wife, the house was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop.

Things got a lot worse, when I saw the grenade flying towards me.

My wife and I had a huge argument when she said Jim Morrison was overrated

I disagreed and she stormed out, I hate it when she slams the doors

My wife and I had a huge argument today. By the time we were finished, she was on her knees begging...

for me to come out from under the bed and act like an adult.

A couple just had their first son , the husband is half Irish and half Indian , the wife half chinese and half Italian both wishes to have their son name after their heritage ..

After much argument they decided on the name.


Ravi O'Lee

Gentlemen, there are two strategies for winning an argument with your wife.

Neither of them work.

My wife and I had this huge argument as to whose turn it was to do the laundry.

Finally I threw in the towel.

Doctors treating President Trump for COVID-19 at Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland,report that he is delusional, combative, argumentative, and seems to have lost touch with reality.

It's nice to see that Mr. Trump is feeling like his old self.

What's the difference between an argument in kindergarten and the presidential debate?

About 70 years

A man had an argument with his lover in a hotel room.

He calls the receptionist and says "I had an argument with my lover. She is threatening to jump out of the window if I don't divorce my wife. You have to help me."

The receptionist replied: "Sir, that looks like a personal problem. There is nothing we can do to help you out."

"Listen ...

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My wife took off her shirt and bra right when I was winning an argument.....

It was a booby trap.

An elephant and an ant got into an argument.

The elephant lost his temper decided he was going to squash the ant.

The ant exclaimed, "ONLY IF YOU CAN CATCH ME!!!!" and ran off.

Elephants is chasing the ant, and as ant rounds a corner, he sees a rabbit.

"Yo, rabbit! Can I hide out in your fur? This elephant wants to kill m...

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A man and a woman are having an argument

In the heat of the argument, she calls him a misogynist.

"Am not!" he says. "In fact, I'll have you know that at my workplace, I have two bosses - one is a man, and one is a woman - and I see them both as equals!"

"Is that so?"

"Yep! And they *both* drive me crazy! He's always ...

What do you call it when a person using glue as hair spray gets into arguments with people online who are laughing at them?

Gorilla Warfare.

How do you stop an argument between deaf people?

Turn off the lights...

Not to brag, but my wife hasn’t won argument with me since...

14-December-2020

Two mints are having an argument in a bar

Both arguing with each other about who's the hardest, would win in a fight between them, general bragging and macho bs etc.

All of a sudden an Extra Strong Mint walks in and they both hide under the table until he finishes his drink and leaves.

The barman comes up to them and laughs "I...

Sure, I might flip over a table in an argument, but I'd never tip over a bookcase.

I have too much shelf respect.

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How do you win an argument with your family this Thanksgiving?

Click the 'End Meeting' button

Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....

But when I got home, the tables were turned

Please settle an argument between me and my wife about whether it's ok to pee in the bath

I think it's fine but my wife says I should wait until she's finished her bath

Guys I need your help, in the middle of an argument with my wife,

she told me that I'm right,

what do I do next?

What not to say in an argument against a bald person?

Hair me out.

If two vegans are in an argument,

is it still called a beef?

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Saw people having an argument on their canal boat.

Bit of argy bargy.

A couple gets into an argument...

The next day when the wife comes home, she sees her husband has covered himself in oil.

"What are you doing?"

"Well," he says, "Yesterday you told me I never glisten."

*"Listen,"* the wife says exasperatedly. "You never *listen!"*

What do you call it when a marker raises a good argument?

A fine point.

What did the argumentative frog say?

Rebut!

Yesterday I had an argument with a 90° angle.

It turns out it was right

What do you use to make an Argument Sandwich?

Disagree-dients

What’s the fastest way to end an argument with a girl?

Tell her to calm down. You’ll be dead but the argument will be over. Noticed I said “fastest” way, not “best”.

Wife and I were having an argument ..

Wife: You should listen to me.

Me: Oh yeah, why is that?

Wife: Coz I have ovaries!

Me: Is that why you Ovary Act?

Vegans never have arguments between them.

Cause they dont want any kind of beef.

I heard a woman on the street today tell her boyfriend “ALL MEN ARE DOGS!” during an argument....

But for some reason she wasn’t very happy when I asked if I could pet him.

And anyways, it was pretty irresponsible to have him off leash and all.

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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!" then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed," she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion.

Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument?

They had a fallout.

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My mom and I were in an argument yesterday.

Her: “you son of a bitch!”

Me: “you’re not wrong...”

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the light!

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

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My girlfriend and I just had an argument about posting our sextape, from start to finish online.

Is it pronounced Jif (like peanutbutter) or Gif (like gift)?

NSFW what'd the sodomite say to his spouse after an argument

lets put a plug in it

I heard that steel got into a heated argument once

Ever since then, it has been tempered metal.

I saw a story about how Itzhak Perlman and Kenny G discovered they'd been dating the same woman. An argument about it quickly degenerated into a full on brawl!!

That's the trouble with the news today, its all sax and violins.

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

I was having an argument with my friend the other day

He was saying that I didn't understand what irony was!

Which was ironic as we were both waiting for a bus at the time.

There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch and one day, they notice a small tree has sprouted up in between them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!" The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!"

So, they start arguing back and forth. "Son of a beech!" "Son of a birch!"

Eventually, a woodpecker flies by and hears the two trees fighting and he asks the two trees what's wrong and what are they are fighting about.

The trees explain to the woodpecker that they can't tell if the sma...

I was having an argument with the wife and she said " When i married you, i thought ypu where brave".....

And i said "So did i all my friends"...

I was having an argument with my girlfriend and she accused me of being childish.

What does she know? She's just a stinky poo face.

A couple are on the brink of an argument

Finally, at her wits end, the girlfriend shouts in an exasperated voice "Can you stop being a flamingo for one goddamn second?"

He had to put his foot down.

Boris Johnson just had an argument with the cabinet

Now he's about to go yell at the table

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3 married prostitutes were having an argument about their abilities.

The first says that her vagina is so wide that her husband can fit his entire forearm in it. She calls her husband for proof who comes and does exactly that.

Not to be outdone, the second prostitute says that her husband can fit his head in it who comes over and proves her right.

Final...

I got into an argument with a blind man.

He just couldn't see my point of view.

what happens when two Samurai got into and argument

it might take a while but they will sword things out eventually.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tried telling my girlfriend she needed to lose a few pounds ...

... but it blew up into a huge-ass argument.

An atheist decides he was to be Jewish...

An atheist is inspired by the Jewish philosophy and approach to religion, how it's built around questioning and responding with more and deeper questions. He's not sold on the God stuff, but decides he can look past that if it means getting to engage with a thoughtful, inquisitive community.

...

I'm like Hank Hill when I'm in an argument.

Stern, no nonsense, and my urethra narrows.

Gentlemen, there are three simple rules to winning an argument with your wife.

Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

I never get into arguments with ballerinas

they always have a strong point

A bottle of beer, a mirror, and a condom were having an argument

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!


Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha...amateurs

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Two pieces of poop are having a heated argument. A cup of urine tries to calm them down. One of the poops says “Hey, screw off...

...this is a fecal matter!”

A new sapling popped up between a maple and a pine tree in the forest and they got into an argument over what kind of tree it was. The maple thinks it's a son of a birch and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other...

The maple barked, "It's a son of a birch!"

The pine bristled, "It's a son of a beech!"

"Son of a birch!"

"Son of a beech!"

After arguing back and forth for a while, they decided that they needed someone else to sort out what kind of tree it was.

They called Mr. Woo...

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Two knights had known each other for several years and were very good friends.

The first knight had a very intelligent, fast and strong horse, capable of understanding human language, outspeeding landslides and staying in battle longer than anyother animal.
The second knight asked himself whether the first one would give him the horse but, instead of asking, he kept thinkin...

My waiter asked me how I like my steak

So I told him i like my steak like me winning a argument with my wife.

So the waiter said rare it is

The arguments between the "pro-mask" and "anti-mask" groups is really intense! People are even PRACTICING their arguments at home first.

Just yesterday I heard a 14 y/o boy tell his friend that at home he mask debates into a sock!

My Father's Favorite Joke

An old man and a bartender are having an argument. The old man keeps asking for aged scotch. The bartender gives him a drink and the old man spits it out and says its only 10 year scotch and he wanted older. The bartender gets another bottle and gives another drink. The old man spit that drink o...

Literally on her knees...

A: I heard you were in an argument with your wife last night.
B: Yeah, we did. It's pretty rough actually.
A: How did it turn out?
B: Eventually I made her on her knees.
A: You did? And she said?
B: She told me, 'get out from under that bed, I know you're in there!'

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A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child.

A man who has an interest in painters and their works has a child. A boy, who grows to have his father's passion for art. One day when the boy is coming of age they have a big argument and the young man leaves his father's house to go out on his own. He is gone for many years.

During tha...

The Future, past and present were having an argument

it was tense

Why do girls always have the last word in an argument

Cause their the ones with a period

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Three drunk hobos were having an argument over who has the dirtiest underwear

"I have the dirtiest boxers in the entire city," says the first hobo.

As proof, he takes off his filthy brown stained boxers and throws it at a nearby wall.

The boxers stuck to the wall for 10 seconds, before peeling off and landing on the ground with a sickening plop.

Unimpress...

2 electricians got into an argument..

It went on for 5 days.. they just couldn't find any common ground.

Shocking.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

My wife and I had a huge argument last week. She called me gullible and financially irresponsible.

I can't wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I just won the Nigerian lottery!

Me and my best friend had an argument yesterday

So, I stole his wheelchair because I was angry at him.

You'll never guess who came crawling back

[Note: I don't mean anyone anything by this. It's just a joke. Please don't get offended]

The argument

So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal i...

Me and a homeschooler got into an argument about the education system.

He went on a rant about how education in America is broken and asked me, "who's running the education system?"

"Your mom," I replied.

A farmer had an argument with his wife

and she brought her mother to live with them. After 3 weeks of nagging, the mother in law went out one morning to the barn to the donkey stall. She was picking up the straw, and saw a spider. She shrieked, and the alarmed donkey kicked her in the head and killed her.

All the farmer's neighbou...

When you are in the kitchen you don't hear anything except your name

George is a house boy who drinks his boss' wine and then adds water for cover up.​ ​His boss became suspicious and decided to buy pasties ( A french wine that change colour if water added)​.

​As usual, George drank the pasties and topped it up with water. ​Unfortunately for him, the pasties c...

What's the secret to your happy marriage?

The future son in law asks his future father in law.

He replies:

Well son, I took my new wife to the Grand canyon for our honeymoon. We rented mules to go down into the canyon. About a ¼ mile in the mule my betrothed was on steped into a hole on the trail and almost threw her. She whis...

An American couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose...

An American couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.
“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.
“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to ...

What do you call an argument that suddenly changes topics?

A debate and switch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During a heated argument, I cussed at my son, calling him 'A SON OF A BITCH', and he replied with 'HELL YES I AM'

Jokes on him, because he was adopted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires were having an argument

They wanted to compete to see who was the best. Without warning the first dashes away, and reappears after 15 seconds with blood dripping from his fangs.

"Do you see that house there?"
"Yes"
"I killed the family inside and drained them of their blood!"

Not to be outdone, the seco...

A blonde and a police officer get into a argument after she questions why the blonde is wearing a bear suit

"I have rights you know!" says the blonde, "It says in the constitution that I have a right to bear arms".

Three vampire brothers were standing in a moonlit pasture, having an argument about who was strongest...

The youngest of the three says “You know what? You guys are always underestimating me. I’ll show you what I’m capable of.”

He flies off at 100 miles per hour and comes back 10 minutes later, his mouth dripping with blood. “Do you see that mansion on the hill up there?” he asks.

“ I j...

A scientist got into an argument with God...

The scientist said, "We have decided we no longer need you, as we can create anything in the laboratory just as easy as you can create something."

God said, "OK let's see who can create a human from dirt."

The scientist reached down and gathered up some dirt...

God said, "Hey! G...

My brother was trying to convince me that it’s harder to win an argument with a buffoon than it is with a reasonable person....

I told him that people who are intelligent are going to come back with strong counter argument and sound logic — making it difficult to stump them... And of course he came back with this notion that at the end of the day if a foolish person is too prideful to ever admit they’re wrong, they can just ...

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A jew and a Chinese man are in an argument...

The jew says, "I hate your people for what you did at pearl harbour". The Chinese man says, what do you mean? That was the Japanese!". The jew replies, "Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same. So the Chinese man says, "Well I hate your people for sinking the titanic". The jew says, "That'...

Members of a synagogue are having a terrible argument...

...Do you stand for the repetition of the Amidah \[prayer\] or do you sit?

Half the congregation says “We always stand.” The other half says, “No, no, no, you sit.”

They’re arguing and screaming at each other. Finally they go see the last surviving founder of the shul. They say, “Mr....

This one time I got into an argument with my furnace.

You could say things got a little heated

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Johnny is a sponge

One night a mother and father get into a heated argument.

"You bitch!" Screams the dad.
"You're a selfish prick" the mom replies.

Their little boy Johnny pipes up with "what do those words mean mommy and daddy?" Thinking quickly the dad says "I was just calling your mother a lady, ...

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

What did the Russian say when he lost the argument against communism?

Soviet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian and an American get into an Argument

A Russian and an American get into an argument about who has more rights, the American says he got alot more rights, and tells the Russian that he can go to the White House and talk shit about the president and no one will do anything to him


The Russian replies with the fact that he can ...

Sorry this is long, a husband and wife are on a golf course

The wife swings and it cracks to the right nailing a house and smashing a window. Being responsible adults they went to apologize and pay for damage. Upon knocking on the front door, the door opens wide up to a man with his arms crossed above a broken bottle. The man explains he’s a genie and has be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman and an American are drinking on vacation and get into an argument over who is a better lover...

...so they agree to settle the debate with a contest: who can make love more times that night with their significant other.

The American and his girlfriend make their way back to their hotel room, he immediately proceeds to rip off his gf's clothes and have sex with her - and tallies a mark ...

Having an argument in a relationship is like going to a rock concert

It starts with the new stuff but ends with the old hits

What do you call an argument among Trump's staff?

Clash of klans.

Four rabbis get into an argument

One rabbi claimed that he knew what a bible passage meant, but the other three thought he was wrong.

The lone rabbi asked God for a sign that he is right, and behold, it began to rain! However, the other rabbis were unconvinced, thinking "it was only a coincidence and didn't prove anything."<...

What do you call an argument you have while you're high?

Grass fed beef.





BTW I came up with this myself.

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking ...

The marketing team for the Veggie Food Company are having a brand meeting

"So the food techs have given us this amazing veggie bacon, what are we going to call it?" says the boss.
After hours of brainstorming and arguments, Sammy the intern says, "what about Facon?"
Everyone loves it and the boss promises him a bonus and a promotion.
"That's great, well done Samm...

2 baseball players had an argument on if there is baseball in heaven

They both decided that whoever died first will come back to tell the other if baseball exists in heaven.

Shortly after, friend 1 dies and comes back as promised, he says to friend 2:
“I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news.
The good news is that there is baseball in heaven.
The b...

An argument between a couple

GF: I'm tired of you pretending to be a detective, we should split up

BF: good idea, we'll cover more ground that way

Without our watches, our argument about the time of day could have gone on forever

But since we were tired from a long day of spelunking, we decided to call it a night.

Did you ever hear the one about the husband who beat his wife in an argument?

Neither have I.

My wife and I were having a huge argument...

I took off my glasses and said, "I don't even want to see you right now!".

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