I have a nice solid bowel movement every morning at 6AM.

Problem is... I wake up at 7.

The Body Acceptance Movement really died quick

It seems like anti-bodies are all the rage right now

Fat acceptance is the only movement

without movement

Did you hear that Republicans finally found an appropriate movement to protest Coronavirus?

It’s called The No Lives Matter Movement.

Why do Reddit astrologers not try to divine humor from the movement of planets?

Because the real joke is in the comets!

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What's the difference between a pile of women's underwear with dildos attached and the entire BLM movement?

Well one's a bunch of fuckin' knickers...

So I was doing some research on the Anti-Lawn movement today...

Sadly it doesn't seem like they have grassroots support!

What do you call a political movement in a Pakistani factory?

A child labor party

Did you know Google now has a platform for recording your bowel movements?

It's called Google Sheets.

"I'm not throwing away my shot"

Alexander Hamilton, leader of the pro-vaccine movement 1780.

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

So my girlfriend has been putting on weight. When I pointed it out she got all upset and told me I should support the "Big Girl Movement".

I'm really trying, but it's starting to hurt my back.

I just had a massive bowel movement

It was both rewarding and unfull feeling.

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It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter...

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So there I was sat in my van

I had kept the house under surveillance for about an hour. Then there was movement at the front door. I hunched down as much as I could in the van so the woman wouldn’t see me. As she walked up the road and turned the corner I slowly, carefully exited the van. I crossed the road, nervously, aware th...

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe..

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempt...

The Baby Brother

For weeks a six-year old boy kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped tell...

I'm a big supporter of the lazynesss movement.

You could say I'm, pro-crastinator.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" as...

Why is India a prominent member of the Non-aligned Movement?

Because they don't like to have beef with anyone.

I just accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles....

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

Why did Mozart run to the bathroom?

To conduct his next movement.

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My smart watch tracks my wrist movement while I'm watching porn...

The feature is called a step-sibling counter.

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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

A blonde goes to the doctor because she couldn't make a bowel movement.The doctor prescribes a suppository and sends her on her way...

She returns a week later complaining the laxative did not work.

Doctor: Have you been taking them regularly?

Blonde: What do you think I've been doing,shoving them up my ass?

I get that the “#me too” movement is supposed to be empowering...

But they could’ve picked a better slogan than “PoundMeToo”

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

A 15 year old boy saves the world.

A 15 year old boy makes a fresh new campaign to save the world from global warming. The movement is a huge success, with almost 100% of rubbish removed from the oceans, and succeeding in righting lumberjacks' and factory owners' ways, cutting down greenhouse gas emmision and forest cutting by around...

I told my Democat friend that I think all fishes look the same. Then he started yelling at me...

He's involved in an anti-fishism movement.

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Did you know that when you say "poop" your mouth actually makes the same movements as your anus when you poop?

Same thing goes for "explosive diarrhea" ...

My mom told me this one

A farmer is worried sick about his horse Reginald who is basically on his death bed. He calls a vet to check up on him but the vet looks hopeless and says, "I'll be honest with you man, he's pretty much in his final stages. I do know this experimental three day treatment, but its not known to work. ...

The low brass section decides to grab drinks during a performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony

The tubas and trombones only play during the end of Beethoven's 9th symphony. During the first several movements they have a famously long period of rest.

One performance, the low brass decide to sneak out to a local bar and grab a few drinks during the beginning of the piece. They quietly du...

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Injuring a part of your body makes you realize how many movements use that body part.

Like spraining your wrist and then having difficulty masturbating with your other hand.

To counter the Islamist movement, we need to inject more christianity into our children.

No, father, not THAT way.

Have you heard about the movement to replace lab rats with lawyers?

The researchers don't get so attached and there are *some* things a rat just won't do.

Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.

After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.

Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.

Two in one direction, then ...

What’s brown and sits on a piano bench?

Beethoven’s first movement

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I went to my doctor with severe constipation. I explained to him about my really, really dense bowel movements.

"Tough shit," he said.

A woman comes home late

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom. To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her h...

I ate five cans of alphabet soup yesterday.

Then, I easily had the biggest vowel movement ever.

I always thought it was vowel movement instead of bowel movement...

Which kind of makes sense if you think about it...

You’re on the toilet going Aaaaa.... Eeeee.... Iiiiii.... Oooooo.... Uuuuu...

And sometimes WHY?!?!

After a Week of Diarrhea...

I would rate today's bowel movement a sold 2.

The #MeToo movement wouldn't have worked 20 years ago

Because it would have been pronounced Pound Me Too.

Movement

So I was on the toilet for so long my movement became a fully fledged composition

What's the official song of the Anti Vaxx movement?

Down With the Sickness

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A man buys a motorbike and is riding it home when it occurs to him that he's somewhat lacking control, as the wind is getting into his coat and buffeting him quite badly.

He pulls over, deciding to put his coat on back-to-front so the openings between the buttons are at the back.

Much improved he confidently accelerates away, but within five minutes of riding like this he reaches a sharp bend in the road, where he discovers his arms are rather too restricted ...

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What do you call it when a garden shed supports the Nazi movement?

The Third Rake

A man walks into a pet shop and sees a dog for $10,000

"Why does the dog cost that much?", asked the man. The owner replies, "This dog can do karate. Here, watch."

The owner then walks to a table and speaks to the dog, "Karate this table". The dog lifts a paw and in one swift movement cuts the table into two.

As the man looks on in shock, ...

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Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

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I thought my latest bowel movement was crap...

...but then I got a second wind.

Thanks to the anti-vaxx movement, people are dying needlelessly.

I hope this goes viral.

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A 40 years old man goes to a circus show

He went there to remind himself of his most precious childhood memories, but mostly because the flyers advertised a pretty peculiar act.

The clowns, the animals, the magicians, all did their part but by the end of the show enters a little old man in his seventies, wearing a bathrobe. The old ...

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Most people don't know that Adam Smith was caught up early on in the #metoo movement, when he was accused of groping his secretary.

But he insisted it was just the invisible hand...

The anti-vaxxer movement will end the same way that it started...

It'll go viral.

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You know what's the #MeToo movement's problem?

Fucking women.

Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?

Because he had a vowel movement.

An American hiker walks to the edge of a Himalayan cliff, determined to end it all.

As he stares down at the rocks below, he notices movement out of the corner of his eye. He glances over to see a Buddhist monk standing between two trees, beckoning him over.

With nothing to lose, the man shuffles over to the monk, who is holding a string of prayer flags. "You trying to talk...

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Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"

The other friend replies: "No shit Sherlock, of course I do!"

Did you hear about the junkies who accidentally joined an alt right movement?

Apparently they thought they were signing up to Join For White Powder.

April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impressi...

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I had a few jokes I loved as a kid

Like, there was this one where these three friends were out after it rained and had some bricks. They wanted to decide who was the strongest by seeing who could throw the bricks in the air but didn't have a way to measure the height so they decided that since it was muddy outside, they'd throw the b...

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I met a man who claimed he hadn't had a bowel movement in nearly 3 weeks.

I'm pretty sure he was full of shit...

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What do you call it when a poop makes you groan like, "Aaaaaaeeeeeeeeeooooo!"

A vowel movement.

I'll see myself out.

What’s the best way to track your bowel movement?

Keep a log.

I just ate a scrabble set

Now I'm having consonant vowel movements

The #Metoo movement is getting out of hand! Now there are assault allegations against Slenderman!

But don't worry, they're all faceless accusations.

The flat earth movement have a proud announcement to make:

We now have followers all around the globe.

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Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

My personal trainer in Moscow surprised me by making me do a weird turning movement while holding a medicine ball.

I guess you can say it was a Russian Twist.

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A woman was in a coma,

and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.

The...

That awkward movement when you...

read movement as moment.

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A guy tried to get me to join the movement to ban porn.

I told him I'll give you my porn when you pry it from my warm, lubed hands.

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When do people have unhappy bowel movements?

On sad-turd-days.

I really identify with the trans movement...

For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!

Millions of years ago there was a dinosaur empowerment movement called "dino-might."

It blew up over night.

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

An old man went to go see his doctor...

"I've got toilet problems,"he complained.

"Well, let's see.How is your urination?"

"Every morning at 7,like a baby."

"Good.How about your bowel movement?"

"8 each morning like clockwork."

"So what's the problem?"the doctor asked.

"I don't wake up until 9!"th...

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

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I write best while taking a shit.

It induces good Vowel movement.

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I've heard that couples who are close sometimes share pictures of their bowel movements

But it turns out my wife isn't a fan of my shit-posting.

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A woman has been experiencing frequent bowel movements

A woman went to the doctor with a crappy problem for a while. “I wake up every morning, have my cup of coffee, and at 8:15am I’ll have a bowel movement” she explained to her doctor.

The doctors runs some tests and comes back with the results. “Ma’am, it seems to me that you have three little...

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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

A group of farming mathmeticians in the Midwest are doing well for themselves

These farmers use their mathmatical expertise to best know how to plot their lands, when to start planting or harvesting, and overall how to have a good yield.

Recently, the state has been pushing for a ban on diesel-engine tractors due to their heavy usage on non-renewable resources and how...

What's the difference between a dance instructor and a doctor

How fluid they want your movements

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I’m glad to see the #Meow Too movement taking shape.

For too long these total dogs have been chasing pussy up and down sidewalks and around homes

If the Black Lives Matter movement had started 300 years ago...

it would have been called PETA

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A badass

A group of cowboys are out camping in the middle of the woods. Night time comes and they build a fire and cook beans and make a pot coffee. All the sudden they hear a bunch of branches snap and crack, a hellacious amount of movement coming from the woods. They begin to panic and a man appears from t...

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

In the last movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony...

...the double basses have a few big chords right at the start, then nothing for 10 minutes, then come in right at the end for the big finale. During rehearsals, the bass players started putting down their instruments, going for a quick drink, and comng back in time for the end.

On the night o...

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Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

How is /r/jokes like the green movement?

Reuse and Recycle

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

Never give the sum of all forces and the directions of movement to a rope

It just wants a tension.

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When you say the word 'poo', your lips make the same movement as you butt hole does when it performs that action

The same with 'diarrhea'.

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

Black Lives Matter movement organizers lied about total number of followers.

It turns out the movement is only three fifths as big as they say it is.

Star Trek: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Captain Kirk: "To boldly go where no chicken had gone before!"
Spock: "At the time, it seemed the logical thing to do."
McCoy: "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a barnyard psychologist!"
Scotty: "Because it couldna change the laws o' physics!"
Computer: "Insufficient data."

D...

The day after Thanksgiving is often the biggest capitalist/materialistic shopping day every year. I'm protesting it this year, and had to think of the movement's slogan...

Black Fridays Matter.

I've been watching ISIS movements via UAV for the past week

They seem to beheading in the right direction

There's a new movement against cutting in line.

Now that's a movement I can get behind!

At a fencing tournament, two people are sitting and watching the fight take place.

One of the spectators had spent her whole life devoting herself to the craft, and would have entered the tournament had she not retired a few years ago. The other, simply a fan who thinks swords are cool, having no real understanding of the sport. The fencer on the left side was playing very aggress...

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