So my girlfriend has been putting on weight. When I pointed it out she got all upset and told me I should support the "Big Girl Movement".

I'm really trying, but it's starting to hurt my back.

I just had a massive bowel movement

It was both rewarding and unfull feeling.

I'm a big supporter of the lazynesss movement.

You could say I'm, pro-crastinator.

What is it when Mussolini is getting people into his new kind of nationalist movement?

Fascinating.

Why is India a prominent member of the Non-aligned Movement?

Because they don't like to have beef with anyone.

A blonde goes to the doctor because she couldn't make a bowel movement.The doctor prescribes a suppository and sends her on her way...

She returns a week later complaining the laxative did not work.

Doctor: Have you been taking them regularly?

Blonde: What do you think I've been doing,shoving them up my ass?

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My smart watch tracks my wrist movement while I'm watching porn...

The feature is called a step-sibling counter.

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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Injuring a part of your body makes you realize how many movements use that body part.

Like spraining your wrist and then having difficulty masturbating with your other hand.

Did you hear about the new movement in the Mormon church?

#MeThree

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Did you know that when you say "poop" your mouth actually makes the same movements as your anus when you poop?

Same thing goes for "explosive diarrhea" ...

Fat-Pride movement is the only movement...

Without movement.

April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impressi...

Have you heard about the movement to replace lab rats with lawyers?

The researchers don't get so attached and there are *some* things a rat just won't do.

To counter the Islamist movement, we need to inject more christianity into our children.

No, father, not THAT way.

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I went to my doctor with severe constipation. I explained to him about my really, really dense bowel movements.

"Tough shit," he said.

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Ryan Gosling went to live in Saudi Arabia for a year.

He and a local Saudi girl fell in love.

The girl would secretly sneak out of her house in the middle of the night without a male companion to hangout with Ryan. They would go to Ryan's place and make love for the whole night. Ryan would drop her back before the dawn. She would quietly sneak i...

I just ate a scrabble set

Now I'm having consonant vowel movements

Movement

So I was on the toilet for so long my movement became a fully fledged composition

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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

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What do you call it when a garden shed supports the Nazi movement?

The Third Rake

What's the difference between a dance instructor and a doctor

How fluid they want your movements

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I write best while taking a shit.

It induces good Vowel movement.

The #MeToo movement wouldn't have worked 20 years ago

Because it would have been pronounced Pound Me Too.

A group of farming mathmeticians in the Midwest are doing well for themselves

These farmers use their mathmatical expertise to best know how to plot their lands, when to start planting or harvesting, and overall how to have a good yield.

Recently, the state has been pushing for a ban on diesel-engine tractors due to their heavy usage on non-renewable resources and how...

I get that the “#me too” movement is supposed to be empowering...

But they could’ve picked a better slogan than “PoundMeToo”

I always thought it was vowel movement instead of bowel movement...

Which kind of makes sense if you think about it...

You’re on the toilet going Aaaaa.... Eeeee.... Iiiiii.... Oooooo.... Uuuuu...

And sometimes WHY?!?!

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What does being President of the United States and a bowel movement have in common?

The job is carried out by an asshole.

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

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Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

Most people don't know that Adam Smith was caught up early on in the #metoo movement, when he was accused of groping his secretary.

But he insisted it was just the invisible hand...

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I thought my latest bowel movement was crap...

...but then I got a second wind.

What's the official song of the Anti Vaxx movement?

Down With the Sickness

I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement

He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles....

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

An old man went to go see his doctor...

"I've got toilet problems,"he complained.

"Well, let's see.How is your urination?"

"Every morning at 7,like a baby."

"Good.How about your bowel movement?"

"8 each morning like clockwork."

"So what's the problem?"the doctor asked.

"I don't wake up until 9!"th...

The anti-vaxxer movement will end the same way that it started...

It'll go viral.

Thanks to the anti-vaxx movement, people are dying needlelessly.

I hope this goes viral.

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A badass

A group of cowboys are out camping in the middle of the woods. Night time comes and they build a fire and cook beans and make a pot coffee. All the sudden they hear a bunch of branches snap and crack, a hellacious amount of movement coming from the woods. They begin to panic and a man appears from t...

I shouldn't have eaten all that alphabet soup.

Now I'm going to have a massive vowel movement.

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You know what's the #MeToo movement's problem?

Fucking women.

Star Trek: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Captain Kirk: "To boldly go where no chicken had gone before!"
Spock: "At the time, it seemed the logical thing to do."
McCoy: "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a barnyard psychologist!"
Scotty: "Because it couldna change the laws o' physics!"
Computer: "Insufficient data."

D...

What is the problem with the #MeToo movement?

To the majority of people over 30 that is known as a pound sign.

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Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"

The other friend replies: "No shit Sherlock, of course I do!"

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

Did you hear about the junkies who accidentally joined an alt right movement?

Apparently they thought they were signing up to Join For White Powder.

I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup yesterday

I had the biggest vowel movement of my life this morning.

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Bob goes to the zoo

One day, Bob decided to go to the zoo. When he got to the ape cage, he found himself looking at a big male ape, who was staring right back at him. When he scratched his head, so did the ape.

Noticing this, Bob decided to have some fun. So he started to scratch under his arms and jump aro...

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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

The #Metoo movement is getting out of hand! Now there are assault allegations against Slenderman!

But don't worry, they're all faceless accusations.

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Must have been the Irish orchestra.

For Bruce Shackett

A prominent orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. At one point in the final movement of the symphony, there is a long stretch--over 20 minutes--where the bass violins don't play a note. So, rather than just sit there, the section leader suggested that they sn...

What’s the best way to track your bowel movement?

Keep a log.

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I met a man who claimed he hadn't had a bowel movement in nearly 3 weeks.

I'm pretty sure he was full of shit...

My personal trainer in Moscow surprised me by making me do a weird turning movement while holding a medicine ball.

I guess you can say it was a Russian Twist.

Why can’t astrologers find humor in the movements of stars and planets?

The real joke is in the comets

The flat earth movement have a proud announcement to make:

We now have followers all around the globe.

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were walking through their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One man with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our ...

What do you get if you mix Ex-Lax with holy water?

A religious movement.

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A guy tried to get me to join the movement to ban porn.

I told him I'll give you my porn when you pry it from my warm, lubed hands.

Let them eat Cake

Marie Antoinette started the body positivity movement. Quite revolutionary.

“Doc, I’m no longer constopetid!”

Doctor: Do you mean constipated?

Man: No, I had a vowel movement.

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

Millions of years ago there was a dinosaur empowerment movement called "dino-might."

It blew up over night.

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

I think the March for Our Lives Movement is slowing down.

I mean, first they were running for their lives, now they're just marching.

That awkward movement when you...

read movement as moment.

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When do people have unhappy bowel movements?

On sad-turd-days.

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I went to the doctor because I hadn't had a bowel movement in nearly 2 weeks.

The doctor says to me "Well, it sounds like you're really bunged up."
I replied "No shit!"

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A woman has been experiencing frequent bowel movements

A woman went to the doctor with a crappy problem for a while. “I wake up every morning, have my cup of coffee, and at 8:15am I’ll have a bowel movement” she explained to her doctor.

The doctors runs some tests and comes back with the results. “Ma’am, it seems to me that you have three little...

I really identify with the trans movement...

For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!

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A bear started a cleaning program after a season

He gathered all the animals and gave each of them a task.
But 1 animal was missimg, a rabbit.
The bear was searching for him for couple of hours without finding him.
But then he noticed some movement in nearby bush.
He said: "Rabbit is that you ?"
He responded with: "Yes"
Then bear...

Yo mama so fat

There's an entire movement that thinks she's flat.

What did the nurse say to the patient who swallowed Scrabble tiles?

Don't worry, you'll have a vowel movement soon.

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Entertainment night at the senior home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist!



Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.



"Yes, ea...

If the Black Lives Matter movement had started 300 years ago...

it would have been called PETA

Never give the sum of all forces and the directions of movement to a rope

It just wants a tension.

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I realize i have an irrational fear of rats.

I didn't realize there would be so much wildlife in this city.One late night I was walking past this huge pile of garbage.Inside one of the trash bags there was a lot of movement.Really aggressive.It was starting to scare the shit out of me.My only thought was,"Oh God,I hope it's a baby.Please,plea...

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Three Old Men are Sitting on a Park Bench

The first one starts talking about his problems regarding his health.

"Oh my god, I can't tell you how hard it is at my age. Every morning, I wake up at 7 o'clock, I go to the restroom and I try to urinate but no matter what I do, I can't go."

The second one then chimes in:

"You...

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When you say the word 'poo', your lips make the same movement as you butt hole does when it performs that action

The same with 'diarrhea'.

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're ho...

How is /r/jokes like the green movement?

Reuse and Recycle

In the last movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony...

...the double basses have a few big chords right at the start, then nothing for 10 minutes, then come in right at the end for the big finale. During rehearsals, the bass players started putting down their instruments, going for a quick drink, and comng back in time for the end.

On the night o...

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A woman was in a coma for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. 

They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. 

They went to her husband and explained what ha...

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A recently discovered European WWII era manuscript tells the story of a young Jewish girl who often had liquidy bowel movements.

It's called *"The Diarrhea of Anne Frank."*

Dogs should be able to vote.

The movement to accomplish this will be called ruffrage.

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

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Phil Smith’s Scrotum

Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, was in a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

A muffled gasp arose from the men...

Black Lives Matter movement organizers lied about total number of followers.

It turns out the movement is only three fifths as big as they say it is.

The day after Thanksgiving is often the biggest capitalist/materialistic shopping day every year. I'm protesting it this year, and had to think of the movement's slogan...

Black Fridays Matter.

I've been watching ISIS movements via UAV for the past week

They seem to beheading in the right direction

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

There's a new movement against cutting in line.

Now that's a movement I can get behind!

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

Two trucks crashed on the freeway, one carrying intestines for transplant, and the other carrying various types of chairs.

It was a catastrophic bowel movement. Bits of stool went everywhere.

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There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so th...

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Every time I have a big bowel movement I say thank you to my digestive system.

For putting up with my shit.

Band Names as Descriptions of Bowel Movements

I haven't seen this game on here before, but it's one of my favorite games to play with friends, and I want to see what you guys come up with!



The way you play is basically in the title: You say the (actual) name of a band/songwriter/musician, and think of the bowel movement it descri...

What is a physicist's favorite social movement?

Half-lives matter.

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A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.

“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims. “Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says. “Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s no...

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