What do schools and the anti-vax movement have in common?

Both are raising the world’s average IQ

A really good bowel movement may not be the absolute greatest thing in the world

But it's a solid #2.

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles

Now I'm experiencing constant vowel movements. My next trip to the bathroom could spell DISASTER.

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Bastard!

A wife comes home from a girl's night out, sneaks quietly and drunkenly into the bedroom, but before she gets in bed, she realises she sees 4 feet, not 2.

"That cheating bastard" she thinks, "I leave the house for barely 6 hours of booze and he already took the opportunity to invite some floo...

Why did the potter relocate in the middle of the night?

Because he didn't want to have a public bowl movement!

I'm really not worried about anti-vaxxers.....

It's a dying movement.

"I've been having really painful bowel movements," I told my doctor.

"How long?" he asked.

"I can't be sure," I replied. "It's not like I measure them."

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In the past, there was no sex-machine.

Because they were all killed by the Luddite movement.

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife

The husband wanted more than a written report , he wanted video of his wife's activities . A week later , the detective returned with a video . They sat down together to watch it
Although the quality was less than professional , the husband saw his wife meeting another man ! He saw the two of...

What's brown, smelly and sits on top of a piano?

Beethoven's Last Movement

Wuold yuo liek to haer a joek?

Sorry, I've been having irregular vowel movements.

How do you call the random eye movement caused by prolonged video gaming?

A Nintendo Twitch

The Body Acceptance Movement really died quick

It seems like anti-bodies are all the rage right now

I get that the “#me too” movement is supposed to be empowering...

But they could’ve picked a better slogan than “PoundMeToo”

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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

Did you hear about the anti-gluten movement.

It's a silly act.

Three car-making friends met up together, to discuss their businesses.

Friend One says: “I had an idea, something original, a car with 360° wheel movement. Only three people bought it.”

Friend Two says: “I went for a similar approach, I made a car with adjustable suspension, and it actually sold a few thousand.”

Friend Three says: “Like you two, I tried s...

A man was walking with his friends in the woods...

A man and his friend are walking in the woods, when suddenly, the friend drops on to the floor. There doesn't seem to be any pulse, or signs of movement. In a state of panic, the man calls the police. He cries, "Help! I think my friends dead." Calmly, the policeman replies,"Firstly we need to make s...

I ate four cans of alphabet soup

I later took the biggest vowel movement ever

I'm a big supporter of the laziness movement

You could say I'm pro-crastinater

The fat acceptance movement is the only movement

Without movement.

Three old men sitting on a park bench…

Man #1: I wish I can sleep through the night, I get up every 2 hours to pee.

Man #2: You think that’s bad? I’m constipated and haven’t had a bowel movement in a week.

Man #3: You think you guys have problems? I sleep throughout the night and every morning at 7:30 I empty my bladder and...

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I went to my doctor with severe constipation. I explained to him about my really, really dense bowel movements....

"Tough shit" he said.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

Why do Reddit astrologers not try to divine humor from the movement of planets?

Because the real joke is in the comets!

Did you know Google now has a platform for recording your bowel movements?

It's called Google Sheets.

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

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A man on a train is sitting across a sexy young lady, with a short skirt on

The young lady uncrosses her legs and he notices that she isn't wearing any panties. She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy?"
The man shamefully says "I'm so sorry, it won't happen again!"
"It's ok," she says, "I can make it do tricks. Look, I'll blow you a kiss"
The ...

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

I have a nice solid bowel movement every morning at 6AM.

Problem is... I wake up at 7.

Did you hear that Republicans finally found an appropriate movement to protest Coronavirus?

It’s called The No Lives Matter Movement.

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

So my girlfriend has been putting on weight. When I pointed it out she got all upset and told me I should support the "Big Girl Movement".

I'm really trying, but it's starting to hurt my back.

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A banker down on his luck has decided to end it all

A young banker is standing on a tree limb with a rope around his neck, ready to end it all. He sees movement to his side and an ugly old woman comes from the brush, calling for him to stop.

“Stop! Why would a young man like yourself be doing such a thing?”

“My life is ruined!” He resp...

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The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all...

What's the official song of the Anti Vaxx movement?

Down With the Sickness

I always thought it was vowel movement instead of bowel movement...

Which kind of makes sense if you think about it...

You’re on the toilet going Aaaaa.... Eeeee.... Iiiiii.... Oooooo.... Uuuuu...

And sometimes WHY?!?!

I got hungry while playing scrabble, so I ate all of the pieces

Tomorrows bowel movement could spell trouble

To counter the Islamist movement, we need to inject more christianity into our children.

No, father, not THAT way.

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3 Old Women

Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said Ruth, the 60-year-old,

“You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old, Maxine.

“When you’re 70, you don’t h...

The #MeToo movement wouldn't have worked 20 years ago

Because it would have been pronounced Pound Me Too.

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

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Did you know that when you say "poop" your mouth actually makes the same movements as your anus when you poop?

Same thing goes for "explosive diarrhea" ...

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Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

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My smart watch tracks my wrist movement while I'm watching porn...

The feature is called a step-sibling counter.

Thanks to the anti-vaxx movement, people are dying needlelessly.

I hope this goes viral.

I just had a massive bowel movement

It was both rewarding and unfull feeling.

Have you heard about the movement to replace lab rats with lawyers?

The researchers don't get so attached and there are *some* things a rat just won't do.

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I thought my latest bowel movement was crap...

...but then I got a second wind.

The “A” went to the bathroom and come out an “E”.

It must have had a vowel movement.

A blonde goes to the doctor because she couldn't make a bowel movement.The doctor prescribes a suppository and sends her on her way...

She returns a week later complaining the laxative did not work.

Doctor: Have you been taking them regularly?

Blonde: What do you think I've been doing,shoving them up my ass?

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

That awkward movement when you...

read movement as moment.

Movement

So I was on the toilet for so long my movement became a fully fledged composition

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Injuring a part of your body makes you realize how many movements use that body part.

Like spraining your wrist and then having difficulty masturbating with your other hand.

Moses, Jesus and a small man play golf.

Moses takes the stick and with an elegant shot sends the ball in the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, he enters the lake, the waters part and play his ball.

It's Jesus' turn. And he takes the club and projects the ball on a parabolic trajectory, the ball lands in the middle of the lake, on a wa...

I really identify with the trans movement...

For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!

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A woman goes to Dr. Johnson to increase...

...the size of her breasts. Dr. Johnson gives her a series of rhythmic arm movements to do and tells her to also repeat “If I do this like I must, I will increase my bust”.
Additionally she must do the exercises twice a day at 10am and 2pm. After two weeks she sees improvement and so she does bot...

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You know what's the #MeToo movement's problem?

Fucking women.

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What do you call it when a garden shed supports the Nazi movement?

The Third Rake

What’s brown, soft, and sits on a piano bench?

Beethoven’s First Movement.

The anti-vaxxer movement will end the same way that it started...

It'll go viral.

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I met a man who claimed he hadn't had a bowel movement in nearly 3 weeks.

I'm pretty sure he was full of shit...

Most people don't know that Adam Smith was caught up early on in the #metoo movement, when he was accused of groping his secretary.

But he insisted it was just the invisible hand...

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Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"

The other friend replies: "No shit Sherlock, of course I do!"

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When do people have unhappy bowel movements?

On sad-turd-days.

An electrical engineer, mechanical engineer, and civil engineer are sitting in a bar

when the civil engineer wonders, "If god were an engineer, what type would he be?"

The electrical engineer says, "Oh, that's easy. Think of the human body: impulses in the brain, signals sent through muscles and nerves...god is an electrical engineer."

The mechanical engineer counters,...

The flat earth movement have a proud announcement to make:

We now have followers all around the globe.

An American hiker walks to the edge of a Himalayan cliff, determined to end it all.

As he stares down at the rocks below, he notices movement out of the corner of his eye. He glances over to see a Buddhist monk standing between two trees, beckoning him over.

With nothing to lose, the man shuffles over to the monk, who is holding a string of prayer flags. "You trying to talk...

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I went to the doctor because I hadn't had a bowel movement in nearly 2 weeks.

The doctor says to me "Well, it sounds like you're really bunged up."
I replied "No shit!"

The #Metoo movement is getting out of hand! Now there are assault allegations against Slenderman!

But don't worry, they're all faceless accusations.

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

My personal trainer in Moscow surprised me by making me do a weird turning movement while holding a medicine ball.

I guess you can say it was a Russian Twist.

If the Black Lives Matter movement had started 300 years ago...

it would have been called PETA

In the last movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony...

...the double basses have a few big chords right at the start, then nothing for 10 minutes, then come in right at the end for the big finale. During rehearsals, the bass players started putting down their instruments, going for a quick drink, and comng back in time for the end.

On the night o...

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A guy tried to get me to join the movement to ban porn.

I told him I'll give you my porn when you pry it from my warm, lubed hands.

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A woman has been experiencing frequent bowel movements

A woman went to the doctor with a crappy problem for a while. “I wake up every morning, have my cup of coffee, and at 8:15am I’ll have a bowel movement” she explained to her doctor.

The doctors runs some tests and comes back with the results. “Ma’am, it seems to me that you have three little...

How is /r/jokes like the green movement?

Reuse and Recycle

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I've heard that couples who are close sometimes share pictures of their bowel movements

But it turns out my wife isn't a fan of my shit-posting.

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

Black Lives Matter movement organizers lied about total number of followers.

It turns out the movement is only three fifths as big as they say it is.

I thought of this while practicing piano: Behtoven's diarrhea was so bad one moonlit night...

that he had 3 movements.

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I’m glad to see the #Meow Too movement taking shape.

For too long these total dogs have been chasing pussy up and down sidewalks and around homes

A man dies and goes to Heaven

As Jesus is giving him the tour, he notices something: “Why so many clocks?”

“Those are sin clocks.” Jesus explains, “Their movement represents every sin ever committed by everyone, every lie, fraud, and other untoward act, and each stops once they die. Fortunately, you’re a good man of fait...

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A recently discovered European WWII era manuscript tells the story of a young Jewish girl who often had liquidy bowel movements.

It's called *"The Diarrhea of Anne Frank."*

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An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

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When you say the word 'poo', your lips make the same movement as you butt hole does when it performs that action

The same with 'diarrhea'.

A group of generals has a conference to see how they shall deal with a particularly troublesome guerilla fighter.

They have intel that the man is holed up at the top of a mountain in thick forest, and make plans to storm his secret base. They draw up plans, counterplans, contingency plans. They make plans for if they execute the plans made for if their plans fail, only to find out that their original plans succ...

I've been watching ISIS movements via UAV for the past week

They seem to beheading in the right direction

Why doesn't the fat acceptance movement have a Gandhi?

No one is willing to go on a hunger strike for the cause

There's a new movement against cutting in line.

Now that's a movement I can get behind!

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I just hired a new employee and he claimed it has been months since his last bowel movement.

Needless to say one way or another, he's full of shit.

What is a physicist's favorite social movement?

Half-lives matter.

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Every time I have a big bowel movement I say thank you to my digestive system.

For putting up with my shit.

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I feel like getting on your knee doesn't really help the Black Lives Matter movement.

Last time a black man got on his knees, his hands were up and he was shot in the back.

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