The Body Acceptance Movement really died quick

It seems like anti-bodies are all the rage right now

My doctor asked me to keep track of my bowel movements, I said how?

He said keep a log

Did you hear about the anti-gluten movement.

It's a silly act.

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

I think the LGBTQ movement suffers from poor acronym

If they changed it to GQ BLT people would really enjoy it. It sounds so classy and delicious.

The fat acceptance movement is the only movement

Without movement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

I'm a big supporter of the laziness movement

You could say I'm pro-crastinater

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to my doctor with severe constipation. I explained to him about my really, really dense bowel movements....

"Tough shit" he said.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a massive bowel movement the other day that left me exhausted.

I guess you could say that shit really took it out of me.

What’s brown and smelly and sits on a piano stool?

Beethoven’s last movement

I have a nice solid bowel movement every morning at 6AM.

Problem is... I wake up at 7.

Did you hear that Republicans finally found an appropriate movement to protest Coronavirus?

It’s called The No Lives Matter Movement.

I get that the “#me too” movement is supposed to be empowering...

But they could’ve picked a better slogan than “PoundMeToo”

Why do Reddit astrologers not try to divine humor from the movement of planets?

Because the real joke is in the comets!

Did you know Google now has a platform for recording your bowel movements?

It's called Google Sheets.

erielf, erilef, reilef, relief

I got relief through a vowel movement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chris Hemsworth goes to a bar

He spots a nice looking lady and gets chatting to her, she happens to have dental braces which affects her speech only slightly.
He asks her “Could I buy you a drink?”
She replies “If you mutht”
They chat and drink into the early hours.
Chris then says “I have a room at the Radisson do...

So my girlfriend has been putting on weight. When I pointed it out she got all upset and told me I should support the "Big Girl Movement".

I'm really trying, but it's starting to hurt my back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!


Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

A man dies and goes to Heaven

As Jesus is giving him the tour, he notices something: “Why so many clocks?”

“Those are sin clocks.” Jesus explains, “Their movement represents every sin ever committed by everyone, every lie, fraud, and other untoward act, and each stops once they die. Fortunately, you’re a good man of fait...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My smart watch tracks my wrist movement while I'm watching porn...

The feature is called a step-sibling counter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that when you say "poop" your mouth actually makes the same movements as your anus when you poop?

Same thing goes for "explosive diarrhea" ...

To counter the Islamist movement, we need to inject more christianity into our children.

No, father, not THAT way.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

My next vowel movement could spell disaster.

Miniskirt

In the queue at the bus stop is a young pretty lady.
She is dressed in a very tight leather miniskirt and matching leather boots and leather jacket.
The bus comes and it is her turn. When she tries to get on the bus she notices that because of the tight miniskirt she can't get her leg high eno...

I always thought it was vowel movement instead of bowel movement...

Which kind of makes sense if you think about it...

You’re on the toilet going Aaaaa.... Eeeee.... Iiiiii.... Oooooo.... Uuuuu...

And sometimes WHY?!?!

Have you heard about the movement to replace lab rats with lawyers?

The researchers don't get so attached and there are *some* things a rat just won't do.

What's the official song of the Anti Vaxx movement?

Down With the Sickness

today i mixed holy water and prune juice to make a new drink

it gave me a religious movement

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Injuring a part of your body makes you realize how many movements use that body part.

Like spraining your wrist and then having difficulty masturbating with your other hand.

The #MeToo movement wouldn't have worked 20 years ago

Because it would have been pronounced Pound Me Too.

"I'm not throwing away my shot"

Alexander Hamilton, leader of the pro-vaccine movement 1780.

Movement

So I was on the toilet for so long my movement became a fully fledged composition

The Horse Challenge (LONG)

Every year, during fair season, a local farmer takes his horse and sets up a booth at various fairs. The rules are simple and the reward is great; make his horse nod yes and then shake his head no- doing this earns a $500 prize.

As it so happens fair season is in full swing, and the farmer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

Thanks to the anti-vaxx movement, people are dying needlelessly.

I hope this goes viral.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought my latest bowel movement was crap...

...but then I got a second wind.

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a garden shed supports the Nazi movement?

The Third Rake

What do you call a protest consisting of the letters A, E, I, O, U and sometimes Y?

A vowel movement

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what's the #MeToo movement's problem?

Fucking women.

Most people don't know that Adam Smith was caught up early on in the #metoo movement, when he was accused of groping his secretary.

But he insisted it was just the invisible hand...

The anti-vaxxer movement will end the same way that it started...

It'll go viral.

What is the problem with the #MeToo movement?

To the majority of people over 30 that is known as a pound sign.

Did you hear about the junkies who accidentally joined an alt right movement?

Apparently they thought they were signing up to Join For White Powder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there I was sat in my van

I had kept the house under surveillance for about an hour. Then there was movement at the front door. I hunched down as much as I could in the van so the woman wouldn’t see me. As she walked up the road and turned the corner I slowly, carefully exited the van. I crossed the road, nervously, aware th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"

The other friend replies: "No shit Sherlock, of course I do!"

The low brass section decides to grab drinks during a performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony

The tubas and trombones only play during the end of Beethoven's 9th symphony. During the first several movements they have a famously long period of rest.

One performance, the low brass decide to sneak out to a local bar and grab a few drinks during the beginning of the piece. They quietly du...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a man who claimed he hadn't had a bowel movement in nearly 3 weeks.

I'm pretty sure he was full of shit...

That awkward movement when you...

read movement as moment.

The flat earth movement have a proud announcement to make:

We now have followers all around the globe.

The #Metoo movement is getting out of hand! Now there are assault allegations against Slenderman!

But don't worry, they're all faceless accusations.

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe..

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempt...

I really identify with the trans movement...

For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!

My personal trainer in Moscow surprised me by making me do a weird turning movement while holding a medicine ball.

I guess you can say it was a Russian Twist.

The Baby Brother

For weeks a six-year old boy kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped tell...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When do people have unhappy bowel movements?

On sad-turd-days.

Bob Seger sits in a park with a tired-eyed old man. He's learning how to play chess.

After going over the layout and setup of the board, the old man begins a lesson on to the movement of the individual pieces.

Queens move in all directions, any distance. Kings are the same but with only one space. He didn't understand the knight, though.

Two in one direction, then ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy tried to get me to join the movement to ban porn.

I told him I'll give you my porn when you pry it from my warm, lubed hands.

A 15 year old boy saves the world.

A 15 year old boy makes a fresh new campaign to save the world from global warming. The movement is a huge success, with almost 100% of rubbish removed from the oceans, and succeeding in righting lumberjacks' and factory owners' ways, cutting down greenhouse gas emmision and forest cutting by around...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman has been experiencing frequent bowel movements

A woman went to the doctor with a crappy problem for a while. “I wake up every morning, have my cup of coffee, and at 8:15am I’ll have a bowel movement” she explained to her doctor.

The doctors runs some tests and comes back with the results. “Ma’am, it seems to me that you have three little...

Why did Mozart run to the bathroom?

To conduct his next movement.

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've heard that couples who are close sometimes share pictures of their bowel movements

But it turns out my wife isn't a fan of my shit-posting.

My mom told me this one

A farmer is worried sick about his horse Reginald who is basically on his death bed. He calls a vet to check up on him but the vet looks hopeless and says, "I'll be honest with you man, he's pretty much in his final stages. I do know this experimental three day treatment, but its not known to work. ...

If the Black Lives Matter movement had started 300 years ago...

it would have been called PETA

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man buys a motorbike and is riding it home when it occurs to him that he's somewhat lacking control, as the wind is getting into his coat and buffeting him quite badly.

He pulls over, deciding to put his coat on back-to-front so the openings between the buttons are at the back.

Much improved he confidently accelerates away, but within five minutes of riding like this he reaches a sharp bend in the road, where he discovers his arms are rather too restricted ...

In the last movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony...

...the double basses have a few big chords right at the start, then nothing for 10 minutes, then come in right at the end for the big finale. During rehearsals, the bass players started putting down their instruments, going for a quick drink, and comng back in time for the end.

On the night o...

After a Week of Diarrhea...

I would rate today's bowel movement a sold 2.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m glad to see the #Meow Too movement taking shape.

For too long these total dogs have been chasing pussy up and down sidewalks and around homes

Why did the spelling bee champion go to the doctor?

Irregular vowel movements

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

A woman comes home late

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom. To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her h...

How is /r/jokes like the green movement?

Reuse and Recycle

A man walks into a pet shop and sees a dog for $10,000

"Why does the dog cost that much?", asked the man. The owner replies, "This dog can do karate. Here, watch."

The owner then walks to a table and speaks to the dog, "Karate this table". The dog lifts a paw and in one swift movement cuts the table into two.

As the man looks on in shock, ...

I ate five cans of alphabet soup yesterday.

Then, I easily had the biggest vowel movement ever.

April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impressi...

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

Black Lives Matter movement organizers lied about total number of followers.

It turns out the movement is only three fifths as big as they say it is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you say the word 'poo', your lips make the same movement as you butt hole does when it performs that action

The same with 'diarrhea'.

I just ate a scrabble set

Now I'm having consonant vowel movements

I've been watching ISIS movements via UAV for the past week

They seem to beheading in the right direction

The day after Thanksgiving is often the biggest capitalist/materialistic shopping day every year. I'm protesting it this year, and had to think of the movement's slogan...

Black Fridays Matter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 40 years old man goes to a circus show

He went there to remind himself of his most precious childhood memories, but mostly because the flyers advertised a pretty peculiar act.

The clowns, the animals, the magicians, all did their part but by the end of the show enters a little old man in his seventies, wearing a bathrobe. The old ...

The BLM movement, dissolved to it's most fundamental components, becomes nothing more than a pile of feces ...

... assured the gastroenterologist to his concerned patient, who heard a rumor that bacon lettuce and mozzarella sandwiches cannot be properly digested and will adversely affect your colon.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.