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Movement Jokes

What do schools and the anti-vax movement have in common?

Both are raising the world’s average IQ

A pastor was on his way home from an oil change. On the way, he decided to stop at a church member's house.

After ringing the doorbell the pastor was sure that he saw movement inside the house. He rung the doorbell again, and the pastor noticed someone moving quickly from one room to another. The pastor whipped out a "Several Steps to Becoming a Christian" pamphlet, and quickly scrawled on it 'Revelation ...

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A friend of mine has some really insane bowel movements.

Shits crazy.

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement

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What happens when the letter E takes a shit?

A Vowel movement.

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Don't wake Up Until Ten

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

"Seventy is the worst age to be," announced the seventy year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the eighty year ol...

What is the one movement where no movement is actually required

Body positivity movement.

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A man goes to an astrologer and then to a doctor for advice because he has trouble in performing bowel movements. Both of them said the same thing.....

"Uranus is not in the right position".

I took my dog to the Vet yesterday because he ate a Scrabble tiles.

The Vet took an x-ray and said that his next bowel movement could spell disaster.

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What is it called when you poop a thin wooden rod?

A dowel movement.

A really good bowel movement may not be the absolute greatest thing in the world

But it's a solid #2.

"I've been having really painful bowel movements," I told my doctor.

"How long?" he asked.

"I can't be sure," I replied. "It's not like I measure them."

I get that the “#me too” movement is supposed to be empowering...

But they could’ve picked a better slogan than “PoundMeToo”

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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

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The Golfer

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor in the hospital emergency room notifyin...

I ate some alphabet soup and some laxatives for lunch

I'm about to have a vowel movement

Did you hear about the anti-gluten movement.

It's a silly act.

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife

The husband wanted more than a written report , he wanted video of his wife's activities . A week later , the detective returned with a video . They sat down together to watch it
Although the quality was less than professional , the husband saw his wife meeting another man ! He saw the two of...

How do you call the random eye movement caused by prolonged video gaming?

A Nintendo Twitch

The fat acceptance movement is the only movement...

without any movement

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I had a massive bowel movement the other day that left me exhausted.

I guess you could say that shit really took it out of me.

What's the official song of the Anti Vaxx movement?

Down With the Sickness

I'm a big supporter of the laziness movement

You could say I'm pro-crastinater

The Body Acceptance Movement really died quick

It seems like anti-bodies are all the rage right now

I have a nice solid bowel movement every morning at 6AM.

Problem is... I wake up at 7.

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My butt is very musical….

I had burritos last night for dinner and my rear has been playing Taco Bell’s Canon all night long. It was De Major movement.

(With apologies to Pachelbel)

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Two guys, Billy and Bob, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, whe...

I always thought it was vowel movement instead of bowel movement...

Which kind of makes sense if you think about it...

You’re on the toilet going Aaaaa.... Eeeee.... Iiiiii.... Oooooo.... Uuuuu...

And sometimes WHY?!?!

Terrorist

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being char...

Why do Reddit astrologers not try to divine humor from the movement of planets?

Because the real joke is in the comets!

I'm really not worried about anti-vaxxers.....

It's a dying movement.

What do you call a clock with no hands, no movement, and no numbers?

Not a clock.

Did you know Google now has a platform for recording your bowel movements?

It's called Google Sheets.

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There was this construction worker

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said.

So he started to give a sig...

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Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

So my girlfriend has been putting on weight. When I pointed it out she got all upset and told me I should support the "Big Girl Movement".

I'm really trying, but it's starting to hurt my back.

The #MeToo movement wouldn't have worked 20 years ago

Because it would have been pronounced Pound Me Too.

Dinner With the Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a wom...

That awkward movement when you...

read movement as moment.

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I went to my doctor with severe constipation. I explained to him about my really, really dense bowel movements....

"Tough shit" he said.

Thanks to the anti-vaxx movement, people are dying needlelessly.

I hope this goes viral.

A chicken farmers’ chickens suddenly stop laying eggs one day…

He waits until the next day and still no eggs. A week goes by and still no eggs.

Worriedly, he calls a friend that is a biologist. The biologist comes over and takes temperatures of the chickens, takes stool samples and blood samples, and goes back to his lab. A week later the biologist ...

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

I really identify with the trans movement...

For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!

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Did you know that when you say "poop" your mouth actually makes the same movements as your anus when you poop?

Same thing goes for "explosive diarrhea" ...

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My smart watch tracks my wrist movement while I'm watching porn...

The feature is called a step-sibling counter.

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I thought my latest bowel movement was crap...

...but then I got a second wind.

Have you heard about the movement to replace lab rats with lawyers?

The researchers don't get so attached and there are *some* things a rat just won't do.

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

Xhyr'noth the defiler, an ancient cosmic horror, decides to visit earth to go pub crawling through the US.

In the first state everyone at the pub runs off in terror. As the humanoid looking abomination filled with eyes and tentacles warps in and orders a beer. The police and military is informed but doesn't know what to do yet. The bartender doesn't care because he has suicidal depression and rather stri...

Movement

So I was on the toilet for so long my movement became a fully fledged composition

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What do you call a priest taking a shit?

A religious movement

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

A blonde goes to the doctor because she couldn't make a bowel movement.The doctor prescribes a suppository and sends her on her way...

She returns a week later complaining the laxative did not work.

Doctor: Have you been taking them regularly?

Blonde: What do you think I've been doing,shoving them up my ass?

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I met a man who claimed he hadn't had a bowel movement in nearly 3 weeks.

I'm pretty sure he was full of shit...

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When do people have unhappy bowel movements?

On sad-turd-days.

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You know what's the #MeToo movement's problem?

Fucking women.

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What do you call it when a garden shed supports the Nazi movement?

The Third Rake

The anti-vaxxer movement will end the same way that it started...

It'll go viral.

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Injuring a part of your body makes you realize how many movements use that body part.

Like spraining your wrist and then having difficulty masturbating with your other hand.

The flat earth movement have a proud announcement to make:

We now have followers all around the globe.

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I went to the doctor because I hadn't had a bowel movement in nearly 2 weeks.

The doctor says to me "Well, it sounds like you're really bunged up."
I replied "No shit!"

What’s the best way to track your bowel movement?

Keep a log.

Most people don't know that Adam Smith was caught up early on in the #metoo movement, when he was accused of groping his secretary.

But he insisted it was just the invisible hand...

If the Black Lives Matter movement had started 300 years ago...

it would have been called PETA

Why didn’t Beethoven clap upon the ratification of new legislature ensuring protection for deaf individuals?

You don’t applaud at the end of a movement.

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Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"

The other friend replies: "No shit Sherlock, of course I do!"

In the last movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony...

...the double basses have a few big chords right at the start, then nothing for 10 minutes, then come in right at the end for the big finale. During rehearsals, the bass players started putting down their instruments, going for a quick drink, and comng back in time for the end.

On the night o...

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles

Now I'm experiencing constant vowel movements. My next trip to the bathroom could spell DISASTER.

The #Metoo movement is getting out of hand! Now there are assault allegations against Slenderman!

But don't worry, they're all faceless accusations.

My personal trainer in Moscow surprised me by making me do a weird turning movement while holding a medicine ball.

I guess you can say it was a Russian Twist.

How is /r/jokes like the green movement?

Reuse and Recycle

Black Lives Matter movement organizers lied about total number of followers.

It turns out the movement is only three fifths as big as they say it is.

I ate four cans of alphabet soup

I later took the biggest vowel movement ever

Maurice is 70 years old and makes an appointment to see his doctor. His doctor asks him a few questions.

His doctor asks him a few questions: "Do you have any problems urinating?"

Maurice replies "No, Doctor. It's very regular, every morning at 7am."

"And what about your bowel movements?"

Maurice replies "They're fine also, Doctor. Every morning at 8am."

"So then why did you...

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A guy tried to get me to join the movement to ban porn.

I told him I'll give you my porn when you pry it from my warm, lubed hands.

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A woman has been experiencing frequent bowel movements

A woman went to the doctor with a crappy problem for a while. “I wake up every morning, have my cup of coffee, and at 8:15am I’ll have a bowel movement” she explained to her doctor.

The doctors runs some tests and comes back with the results. “Ma’am, it seems to me that you have three little...

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

Band Names as Descriptions of Bowel Movements

I haven't seen this game on here before, but it's one of my favorite games to play with friends, and I want to see what you guys come up with!



The way you play is basically in the title: You say the (actual) name of a band/songwriter/musician, and think of the bowel movement it descri...

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I’m glad to see the #Meow Too movement taking shape.

For too long these total dogs have been chasing pussy up and down sidewalks and around homes

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When you say the word 'poo', your lips make the same movement as you butt hole does when it performs that action

The same with 'diarrhea'.

I've been watching ISIS movements via UAV for the past week

They seem to beheading in the right direction

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I just hired a new employee and he claimed it has been months since his last bowel movement.

Needless to say one way or another, he's full of shit.

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A recently discovered European WWII era manuscript tells the story of a young Jewish girl who often had liquidy bowel movements.

It's called *"The Diarrhea of Anne Frank."*

Why doesn't the fat acceptance movement have a Gandhi?

No one is willing to go on a hunger strike for the cause

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The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

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A man on a train is sitting across a sexy young lady, with a short skirt on

The young lady uncrosses her legs and he notices that she isn't wearing any panties. She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy?"
The man shamefully says "I'm so sorry, it won't happen again!"
"It's ok," she says, "I can make it do tricks. Look, I'll blow you a kiss"
The ...

There's a new movement against cutting in line.

Now that's a movement I can get behind!

What's brown, smelly and sits on top of a piano?

Beethoven's Last Movement

What is a physicist's favorite social movement?

Half-lives matter.

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Every time I have a big bowel movement I say thank you to my digestive system.

For putting up with my shit.

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I feel like getting on your knee doesn't really help the Black Lives Matter movement.

Last time a black man got on his knees, his hands were up and he was shot in the back.

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In the past, there was no sex-machine.

Because they were all killed by the Luddite movement.

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

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