To counter the Islamist movement, we need to inject more christianity into our children.

No, father, not THAT way.

Movement

So I was on the toilet for so long my movement became a fully fledged composition

How does the anti-vax movement keep attracting new members?

Viral marketing.

Most people don't know that Adam Smith was caught up early on in the #metoo movement, when he was accused of groping his secretary.

But he insisted it was just the invisible hand...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a garden shed supports the Nazi movement?

The Third Rake

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

The #MeToo movement wouldn't have worked 20 years ago

Because it would have been pronounced Pound Me Too.

The anti-vaxxer movement will end the same way that it started...

It'll go viral.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought my latest bowel movement was crap...

...but then I got a second wind.

I always thought it was vowel movement instead of bowel movement...

Which kind of makes sense if you think about it...

You’re on the toilet going Aaaaa.... Eeeee.... Iiiiii.... Oooooo.... Uuuuu...

And sometimes WHY?!?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does being President of the United States and a bowel movement have in common?

The job is carried out by an asshole.

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

How is fat acceptance a movement?

When nobody moves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You know what's the #MeToo movement's problem?

Fucking women.

What's the official song of the Anti Vaxx movement?

Down With the Sickness

Thanks to the anti-vaxx movement, people are dying needlelessly.

I hope this goes viral.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"

The other friend replies: "No shit Sherlock, of course I do!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

Did you hear about the junkies who accidentally joined an alt right movement?

Apparently they thought they were signing up to Join For White Powder.

I get that the “#me too” movement is supposed to be empowering...

But they could’ve picked a better slogan than “PoundMeToo”

The #Metoo movement is getting out of hand! Now there are assault allegations against Slenderman!

But don't worry, they're all faceless accusations.

I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement

He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

What’s the best way to track your bowel movement?

Keep a log.

Why can’t astrologers find humor in the movements of stars and planets?

The real joke is in the comets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a man who claimed he hadn't had a bowel movement in nearly 3 weeks.

I'm pretty sure he was full of shit...

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles...

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

The flat earth movement have a proud announcement to make:

We now have followers all around the globe.

My personal trainer in Moscow surprised me by making me do a weird turning movement while holding a medicine ball.

I guess you can say it was a Russian Twist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy tried to get me to join the movement to ban porn.

I told him I'll give you my porn when you pry it from my warm, lubed hands.

Millions of years ago there was a dinosaur empowerment movement called "dino-might."

It blew up over night.

I think the March for Our Lives Movement is slowing down.

I mean, first they were running for their lives, now they're just marching.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman has been experiencing frequent bowel movements

A woman went to the doctor with a crappy problem for a while. “I wake up every morning, have my cup of coffee, and at 8:15am I’ll have a bowel movement” she explained to her doctor.

The doctors runs some tests and comes back with the results. “Ma’am, it seems to me that you have three little...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor because I hadn't had a bowel movement in nearly 2 weeks.

The doctor says to me "Well, it sounds like you're really bunged up."
I replied "No shit!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you say 'poop' your mouth makes the same movement as your butt does when you shit.

Its the same for 'explosive diarrhea'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When do people have unhappy bowel movements?

On sad-turd-days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've heard that couples who are close sometimes share pictures of their bowel movements

But it turns out my wife isn't a fan of my shit-posting.

That awkward movement when you...

read movement as moment.

Two ants, a mother and her daughter, were walking through their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One man with a sign reading "It's time to GO!" spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, but do you have a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our ...

I really identify with the trans movement...

For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you say the word 'poo', your lips make the same movement as you butt hole does when it performs that action

The same with 'diarrhea'.

If the Black Lives Matter movement had started 300 years ago...

it would have been called PETA

The year 2120 in a classroom.

Teacher: "That anti-vaccination movement eventually died out in the beginning of the 21st century."

Student: "I'm glad they finally came to their senses."

Teacher: "No. It was Polio."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A recently discovered European WWII era manuscript tells the story of a young Jewish girl who often had liquidy bowel movements.

It's called *"The Diarrhea of Anne Frank."*

Help me doctor, I have a bowel movement every morning at 7!

Doctor: Well that's good, it means you're healthy.
Man: You'd think so, but I don't wake up until 8am!

What do you call the STD that restricts arm movements?

[Slow hand clap]

How is /r/jokes like the green movement?

Reuse and Recycle

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

In the last movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony...

...the double basses have a few big chords right at the start, then nothing for 10 minutes, then come in right at the end for the big finale. During rehearsals, the bass players started putting down their instruments, going for a quick drink, and comng back in time for the end.

On the night o...

Yo mama so fat

There's an entire movement that thinks she's flat.

I've been watching ISIS movements via UAV for the past week

They seem to beheading in the right direction

Black Lives Matter movement organizers lied about total number of followers.

It turns out the movement is only three fifths as big as they say it is.

The day after Thanksgiving is often the biggest capitalist/materialistic shopping day every year. I'm protesting it this year, and had to think of the movement's slogan...

Black Fridays Matter.

There's a new movement against cutting in line.

Now that's a movement I can get behind!

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every time I have a big bowel movement I say thank you to my digestive system.

For putting up with my shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Old Men are Sitting on a Park Bench

The first one starts talking about his problems regarding his health.

"Oh my god, I can't tell you how hard it is at my age. Every morning, I wake up at 7 o'clock, I go to the restroom and I try to urinate but no matter what I do, I can't go."

The second one then chimes in:

"You...

What is a physicist's favorite social movement?

Half-lives matter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was in a coma

and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.

They w...

Why doesn't the fat acceptance movement have a Gandhi?

No one is willing to go on a hunger strike for the cause

Dogs should be able to vote.

The movement to accomplish this will be called ruffrage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just hired a new employee and he claimed it has been months since his last bowel movement.

Needless to say one way or another, he's full of shit.

I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup

and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

Are you ready for a bone-afide good story that will definitely tickle your funny bone?

In a land far far away, lives a locksmith. This locksmith however, has two very special traits. One, he is an undead skeleton retired from being a lowly exp grind mob, and two, is able to open any lock. His skills are unrivaled, but when even he is stumped, he can detach one of his bones to utilize ...

I've started to take the SJW movement seriously and have applied it to my parenting style

It's why I'm ignoring all my 10-month olds privileged white male tears.

What is it called when a musician has to use the toilet for the fourth time in a day?

The fourth movement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in thecongregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said: “I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from all th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Entertainment night at the senior home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist!



Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.



"Yes, ea...

My friend has intestinal problems.

However, he's found that eating certain kinds of food helps. Normally, he keeps them all to himself, but the other day he got really sick and had nothing to eat, so I offered to pick him up some groceries.

"Sure thing... Could you get some apples, beans, and alphabet soup?"

Now, apples...

A scientist is asked by the government to create the first teleporter.

Knowing that this will be an incredibly hard task, the scientist devotes every day to the task, until they have created the teleporter.

First, the scientist discovers that titanium and sulfur, when combined create a metal that would make a great base and projector for the teleporter, so they ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you change shit to shinola?

Vowel movement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman (mom) was sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail after work one night,

when the bar door opened and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever seen entered.

He was tall, muscular, and handsome, with thick dark hair and beautiful, sparkling green eyes,

and his every movement was so masculine and sensuous that the woman could not help but stare.

Th...

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're ho...

What did the 18th century German composer say when he needed to use the bathroom?

“I’ll be right Bach, I need to make a movement”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men snuck onto a farm in the middle of the night

to stir up some trouble.

A black guy, a spanish guy and a polish guy.

They throw some rocks and break some windows, they tip a cow or two and just generally run amuck.

The farmer hears all the ruckus and comes running out with his shotgun.

"who goes there!? Get off my far...

The marching contest

Three countries were having a marching contest. America, Spain and Russia. They had 3 weeks to prepare.


The Russian soldiers marching was perfect. They were all in time, with great rhythm.


The American soldiers were also close to immaculate.


But, the Spanish soldi...

I am involved with a group that supports gastrointestinal awareness.

We call ourselves the bowel movement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early

he's happy to see that she's still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let's himself through the front door, goes up the stairs and peeks in.
To his shock, he sees TWO sets of feet sticking out from under the covers, the large set on top, en...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple is walking in the zoo

as they suddenly stop in front of a gorilla figure. The gorilla stares at the young woman and turns to the bars to get a better view. The husband says, "Hey, he seems to be on you."

The young woman laughs and starts to play around with her blouse. The gorilla starts drooling and his DingDong...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.