How does the anti-vax movement keep attracting new members?

Viral marketing.

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

The #MeToo movement wouldn't have worked 20 years ago

Because it would have been pronounced Pound Me Too.

The anti-vaxxer movement will end the same way that it started...

It'll go viral.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

I always thought it was vowel movement instead of bowel movement...

Which kind of makes sense if you think about it...

You’re on the toilet going Aaaaa.... Eeeee.... Iiiiii.... Oooooo.... Uuuuu...

And sometimes WHY?!?!

How is fat acceptance a movement?

When nobody moves.

the #MeToo movement actually started in the 90s

But it never really took off because PoundMeToo didn’t really send the right message

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You know what's the #MeToo movement's problem?

Fucking women.

I get that the “#me too” movement is supposed to be empowering...

But they could’ve picked a better slogan than “PoundMeToo”

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I thought my latest bowel movement was crap...

...but then I got a second wind.

Thanks to the anti-vaxx movement, people are dying needlelessly.

I hope this goes viral.

What's the official song of the Anti Vaxx movement?

Down With the Sickness

Did you hear about the junkies who accidentally joined an alt right movement?

Apparently they thought they were signing up to Join For White Powder.

The #Metoo movement is getting out of hand! Now there are assault allegations against Slenderman!

But don't worry, they're all faceless accusations.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

My personal trainer in Moscow surprised me by making me do a weird turning movement while holding a medicine ball.

I guess you can say it was a Russian Twist.

What’s the best way to track your bowel movement?

Keep a log.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"

The other friend replies: "No shit Sherlock, of course I do!"

Why can’t astrologers find humor in the movements of stars and planets?

The real joke is in the comets

I did an ancestry.com family history today and found out that my great grandfather helped Rosa Parks initiate the civil rights movement

He was the guy who said, "Get up, that's my seat."

The flat earth movement have a proud announcement to make:

We now have followers all around the globe.

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles...

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy tried to get me to join the movement to ban porn.

I told him I'll give you my porn when you pry it from my warm, lubed hands.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've heard that couples who are close sometimes share pictures of their bowel movements

But it turns out my wife isn't a fan of my shit-posting.

Millions of years ago there was a dinosaur empowerment movement called "dino-might."

It blew up over night.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I met a man who claimed he hadn't had a bowel movement in nearly 3 weeks.

I'm pretty sure he was full of shit...

I think the March for Our Lives Movement is slowing down.

I mean, first they were running for their lives, now they're just marching.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When you say 'poop' your mouth makes the same movement as your butt does when you shit.

Its the same for 'explosive diarrhea'.

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to the doctor because I hadn't had a bowel movement in nearly 2 weeks.

The doctor says to me "Well, it sounds like you're really bunged up."
I replied "No shit!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When do people have unhappy bowel movements?

On sad-turd-days.

That awkward movement when you...

read movement as moment.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman has been experiencing frequent bowel movements

A woman went to the doctor with a crappy problem for a while. “I wake up every morning, have my cup of coffee, and at 8:15am I’ll have a bowel movement” she explained to her doctor.

The doctors runs some tests and comes back with the results. “Ma’am, it seems to me that you have three little...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When you say the word 'poo', your lips make the same movement as you butt hole does when it performs that action

The same with 'diarrhea'.

I really identify with the trans movement...

For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!

My teeth started a movement...

Plaque lives matter.

If the Black Lives Matter movement had started 300 years ago...

it would have been called PETA

Help me doctor, I have a bowel movement every morning at 7!

Doctor: Well that's good, it means you're healthy.
Man: You'd think so, but I don't wake up until 8am!

How is /r/jokes like the green movement?

Reuse and Recycle

The day after Thanksgiving is often the biggest capitalist/materialistic shopping day every year. I'm protesting it this year, and had to think of the movement's slogan...

Black Fridays Matter.

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

In the last movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony...

...the double basses have a few big chords right at the start, then nothing for 10 minutes, then come in right at the end for the big finale. During rehearsals, the bass players started putting down their instruments, going for a quick drink, and comng back in time for the end.

On the night o...

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How do you change shit to shinola?

Vowel movement.

I've been watching ISIS movements via UAV for the past week

They seem to beheading in the right direction

Black Lives Matter movement organizers lied about total number of followers.

It turns out the movement is only three fifths as big as they say it is.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Every time I have a big bowel movement I say thank you to my digestive system.

For putting up with my shit.

What is a physicist's favorite social movement?

Half-lives matter.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Phil Smith’s Scrotum

Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, was in a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

A muffled gasp arose from the men...

There's a new movement against cutting in line.

Now that's a movement I can get behind!

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're ho...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young couple is walking in the zoo

as they suddenly stop in front of a gorilla figure. The gorilla stares at the young woman and turns to the bars to get a better view. The husband says, "Hey, he seems to be on you."

The young woman laughs and starts to play around with her blouse. The gorilla starts drooling and his DingDong...

Why doesn't the fat acceptance movement have a Gandhi?

No one is willing to go on a hunger strike for the cause

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman was in a coma for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. 

They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement. 

They went to her husband and explained what ha...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A big time mafia boss gets out of prison much earlier than expected...

The first thing he does is he gets back in touch with his trusted lawyer.


He says to the lawyer "Remember when I stashed away all that money in floorboards of Luigi's Pizza place?, let's go pay our old pal a visit and make a withdrawal, I wanna move the load someplace else"

<...

The marching contest

Three countries were having a marching contest. America, Spain and Russia. They had 3 weeks to prepare.


The Russian soldiers marching was perfect. They were all in time, with great rhythm.


The American soldiers were also close to immaculate.


But, the Spanish soldi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just hired a new employee and he claimed it has been months since his last bowel movement.

Needless to say one way or another, he's full of shit.

What was Mozart's first movement?

His bowels.

I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup

and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Entertainment night at the senior home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist!



Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.



"Yes, ea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early

he's happy to see that she's still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let's himself through the front door, goes up the stairs and peeks in.
To his shock, he sees TWO sets of feet sticking out from under the covers, the large set on top, en...

My friend's Italian mom recently broke her collarbone skiing, and has very limited movement in her left arm.

She says the main problem is the speech impediment.

I've started to take the SJW movement seriously and have applied it to my parenting style

It's why I'm ignoring all my 10-month olds privileged white male tears.

Why did the alphabet smell so bad after its letters were rearranged?

Because it had a vowel movement.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Nearly had sex with a Ladyboy last night...

Picked him up in a night club. He looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!.... That's when I thought "Fucking hell there's something wrong her...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 70 year old, 80 year old and 90 year old men in a nursing home were talking.

“Being 70 is the worst!” The 70 year old exclaims.
“Every morning at 7, I wake up to pee, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, that’s nothing!” The 80 year old says.
“Each morning at 8, I wake up to poop, and I sit on the toilet for what seems like hours, but nothing comes out!”

“Oh, th...

#MeToo seems a little inappropriate

How does a movement against rape benefit from saying "Pound me too"

Join the flat earth society! We don’t discriminate, because...

We have members all around the globe.

Yes. Flat earth is truly a global movement with a great “sphere” of influence.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three Seniors.

Three senior citizens at breakfast discussing their bowel movements. First man boldly states, I’m still in great shape, every day I wake up at 5:00 AM and I spend about 3 minutes on toilet and I have a healthy shit and I’m good for the day. 2nd man states yeah me too I wake up at 4:30, spend abou...

What do you call it when you can only say vowels?

A vowel movement or in-consonants.

If “#” is often read as “pound,”

then perhaps we should rethink the title of the #metoo movement.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walking down the beach heard a woman crying... (NSFW)

He walks down to investigate. At he gets closer he sees it's the outline of a blonde woman sitting in a beach chair near the water. He walks up behind her about to ask her what the matter was. Before he says anything, he notices that she doesn't have any arms or legs. Thinking it's a bit weird, he s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Susan the cow

Susan the cow was just in the meadow grazing, when she heard the sound of bells. Panicking she starts running towards the barn, where shes met by more ringing of bells. Looking around Susan sees Garet the bull and all his heifers. They all had fancy bells on that make delightful noises at ever movem...

Why do they call # hashtag and not pound

Because feminists wouldn’t appreciate PoundMeToo movement.

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Possible original joke my dad would always tell me that cracked me up

Chad (my dad) is walking down the street to the gas station to get a drink, when he gets hit by a car. He awakens to see an angel in front of him. "Hello, Chad. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you were struck by a car, and have been brought to Heaven. I'm here to bring you to God for judgeme...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bad Dad joke to go with your equally bad Christmas cracker jokes

One day a carpenter started to get out of bed to go to work, before being hit by abdominal pain so bad he had to lay down again. His wife was concerned but he waved her away, called off work, took a laxative, ate a hearty meal, and went back to sleep.

The next day the carpenter went to get up...