UPJOKE
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What do schools and the anti-vax movement have in common?

Both are raising the world’s average IQ

What is the one movement where no movement is actually required

Body positivity movement.

Why did the anti-vax movement stop?

It died down.

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A man goes to an astrologer and then to a doctor for advice because he has trouble in performing bowel movements. Both of them said the same thing.....

"Uranus is not in the right position".

I ate some alphabet soup and some laxatives for lunch

I'm about to have a vowel movement

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Two guys, Billy and Bob, head out in the woods, hunting for bear...

They hike to where their tree stand is, in the thickest part of the forest, set their bait, climb into the stand, hunker down and wait. Before too long, a small black bear comes by to check out the bait, and the hunters shoot it dead. They climb down and begin the work of butchering the carcass, whe...

A really good bowel movement may not be the absolute greatest thing in the world

But it's a solid #2.

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There was this construction worker

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said.

So he started to give a sig...

Xhyr'noth the defiler, an ancient cosmic horror, decides to visit earth to go pub crawling through the US.

In the first state everyone at the pub runs off in terror. As the humanoid looking abomination filled with eyes and tentacles warps in and orders a beer. The police and military is informed but doesn't know what to do yet. The bartender doesn't care because he has suicidal depression and rather stri...

Terrorist

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being char...

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Having a great round of golf

A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began with an eagle and followed it with a birdie on the second hole.


On the third hole, he scored his first-ever hole-in-one, and just as he began celebrating his cell phone rang…
It was a doctor in the local ER noti...

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement.

Dinner With the Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that, after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never been with a wom...

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What do you call a priest taking a shit?

A religious movement

The Body Acceptance Movement really died quick

It seems like anti-bodies are all the rage right now

I get that the “#me too” movement is supposed to be empowering...

But they could’ve picked a better slogan than “PoundMeToo”

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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

Why didn’t Beethoven clap upon the ratification of new legislature ensuring protection for deaf individuals?

You don’t applaud at the end of a movement.

"I've been having really painful bowel movements," I told my doctor.

"How long?" he asked.

"I can't be sure," I replied. "It's not like I measure them."

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife

The husband wanted more than a written report , he wanted video of his wife's activities . A week later , the detective returned with a video . They sat down together to watch it
Although the quality was less than professional , the husband saw his wife meeting another man ! He saw the two of...

Did you hear about the anti-gluten movement.

It's a silly act.

How do you call the random eye movement caused by prolonged video gaming?

A Nintendo Twitch

I'm really not worried about anti-vaxxers.....

It's a dying movement.

Maurice is 70 years old and makes an appointment to see his doctor. His doctor asks him a few questions.

His doctor asks him a few questions: "Do you have any problems urinating?"

Maurice replies "No, Doctor. It's very regular, every morning at 7am."

"And what about your bowel movements?"

Maurice replies "They're fine also, Doctor. Every morning at 8am."

"So then why did you...

I'm a big supporter of the laziness movement

You could say I'm pro-crastinater

The fat acceptance movement is the only movement

Without movement.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles

Now I'm experiencing constant vowel movements. My next trip to the bathroom could spell DISASTER.

What's the official song of the Anti Vaxx movement?

Down With the Sickness

Why do Reddit astrologers not try to divine humor from the movement of planets?

Because the real joke is in the comets!

I always thought it was vowel movement instead of bowel movement...

Which kind of makes sense if you think about it...

You’re on the toilet going Aaaaa.... Eeeee.... Iiiiii.... Oooooo.... Uuuuu...

And sometimes WHY?!?!

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I went to my doctor with severe constipation. I explained to him about my really, really dense bowel movements....

"Tough shit" he said.

Did you know Google now has a platform for recording your bowel movements?

It's called Google Sheets.

Have you heard about the activist group that fights for ceramic containers in fast food restaurants?

They call themselves the "Bowl movement".

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Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

I have a nice solid bowel movement every morning at 6AM.

Problem is... I wake up at 7.

Did you hear that Republicans finally found an appropriate movement to protest Coronavirus?

It’s called The No Lives Matter Movement.

So my girlfriend has been putting on weight. When I pointed it out she got all upset and told me I should support the "Big Girl Movement".

I'm really trying, but it's starting to hurt my back.

Imagine people still calling it pound rather...

The #metoo movement would be such a weird to get behind...

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The Sami temperature scale

(ed: the Sami are an indigineous people living in the northern parts of Scandinavia, also called Lapland)

+10°C: Inhabitants of Helsinki turn off the heat. The Sami plant flowers.

+5°C: If the sun rises over the horizon, it's sunbathing time for the Sami

+2°C: Italian cars won't...

The #MeToo movement wouldn't have worked 20 years ago

Because it would have been pronounced Pound Me Too.

Thanks to the anti-vaxx movement, people are dying needlelessly.

I hope this goes viral.

That awkward movement when you...

read movement as moment.

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

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My smart watch tracks my wrist movement while I'm watching porn...

The feature is called a step-sibling counter.

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Did you know that when you say "poop" your mouth actually makes the same movements as your anus when you poop?

Same thing goes for "explosive diarrhea" ...

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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

Have you heard about the movement to replace lab rats with lawyers?

The researchers don't get so attached and there are *some* things a rat just won't do.

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I thought my latest bowel movement was crap...

...but then I got a second wind.

I just had a massive bowel movement

It was both rewarding and unfull feeling.

I ate four cans of alphabet soup

I later took the biggest vowel movement ever

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

What's brown, smelly and sits on top of a piano?

Beethoven's Last Movement

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In the past, there was no sex-machine.

Because they were all killed by the Luddite movement.

I really identify with the trans movement...

For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!

Movement

So I was on the toilet for so long my movement became a fully fledged composition

A blonde goes to the doctor because she couldn't make a bowel movement.The doctor prescribes a suppository and sends her on her way...

She returns a week later complaining the laxative did not work.

Doctor: Have you been taking them regularly?

Blonde: What do you think I've been doing,shoving them up my ass?

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

I got hungry while playing scrabble, so I ate all of the pieces

Tomorrows bowel movement could spell trouble

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Injuring a part of your body makes you realize how many movements use that body part.

Like spraining your wrist and then having difficulty masturbating with your other hand.

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I met a man who claimed he hadn't had a bowel movement in nearly 3 weeks.

I'm pretty sure he was full of shit...

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What do you call it when a garden shed supports the Nazi movement?

The Third Rake

Wuold yuo liek to haer a joek?

Sorry, I've been having irregular vowel movements.

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You know what's the #MeToo movement's problem?

Fucking women.

The anti-vaxxer movement will end the same way that it started...

It'll go viral.

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When do people have unhappy bowel movements?

On sad-turd-days.

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A man on a train is sitting across a sexy young lady, with a short skirt on

The young lady uncrosses her legs and he notices that she isn't wearing any panties. She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy?"
The man shamefully says "I'm so sorry, it won't happen again!"
"It's ok," she says, "I can make it do tricks. Look, I'll blow you a kiss"
The ...

A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...

The flat earth movement have a proud announcement to make:

We now have followers all around the globe.

Most people don't know that Adam Smith was caught up early on in the #metoo movement, when he was accused of groping his secretary.

But he insisted it was just the invisible hand...

What’s the best way to track your bowel movement?

Keep a log.

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Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"

The other friend replies: "No shit Sherlock, of course I do!"

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I went to the doctor because I hadn't had a bowel movement in nearly 2 weeks.

The doctor says to me "Well, it sounds like you're really bunged up."
I replied "No shit!"

Three old men sitting on a park bench…

Man #1: I wish I can sleep through the night, I get up every 2 hours to pee.

Man #2: You think that’s bad? I’m constipated and haven’t had a bowel movement in a week.

Man #3: You think you guys have problems? I sleep throughout the night and every morning at 7:30 I empty my bladder and...

If the Black Lives Matter movement had started 300 years ago...

it would have been called PETA

A man was walking with his friends in the woods...

A man and his friend are walking in the woods, when suddenly, the friend drops on to the floor. There doesn't seem to be any pulse, or signs of movement. In a state of panic, the man calls the police. He cries, "Help! I think my friends dead." Calmly, the policeman replies,"Firstly we need to make s...

In the last movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony...

...the double basses have a few big chords right at the start, then nothing for 10 minutes, then come in right at the end for the big finale. During rehearsals, the bass players started putting down their instruments, going for a quick drink, and comng back in time for the end.

On the night o...

The #Metoo movement is getting out of hand! Now there are assault allegations against Slenderman!

But don't worry, they're all faceless accusations.

Why did French use yellow as the color for their angry vest movement ?

It fits so well with their teeth.

My personal trainer in Moscow surprised me by making me do a weird turning movement while holding a medicine ball.

I guess you can say it was a Russian Twist.

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The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all...

How is /r/jokes like the green movement?

Reuse and Recycle

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A guy tried to get me to join the movement to ban porn.

I told him I'll give you my porn when you pry it from my warm, lubed hands.

Did you hear about the movement to ban shredded cheese?

They want to make America grate again.

Black Lives Matter movement organizers lied about total number of followers.

It turns out the movement is only three fifths as big as they say it is.

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A woman has been experiencing frequent bowel movements

A woman went to the doctor with a crappy problem for a while. “I wake up every morning, have my cup of coffee, and at 8:15am I’ll have a bowel movement” she explained to her doctor.

The doctors runs some tests and comes back with the results. “Ma’am, it seems to me that you have three little...

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3 Old Women

Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said Ruth, the 60-year-old,

“You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old, Maxine.

“When you’re 70, you don’t h...

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

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I’m glad to see the #Meow Too movement taking shape.

For too long these total dogs have been chasing pussy up and down sidewalks and around homes

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I've heard that couples who are close sometimes share pictures of their bowel movements

But it turns out my wife isn't a fan of my shit-posting.

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When you say the word 'poo', your lips make the same movement as you butt hole does when it performs that action

The same with 'diarrhea'.

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A banker down on his luck has decided to end it all

A young banker is standing on a tree limb with a rope around his neck, ready to end it all. He sees movement to his side and an ugly old woman comes from the brush, calling for him to stop.

“Stop! Why would a young man like yourself be doing such a thing?”

“My life is ruined!” He resp...

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

Moses, Jesus and a small man play golf.

Moses takes the stick and with an elegant shot sends the ball in the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, he enters the lake, the waters part and play his ball.

It's Jesus' turn. And he takes the club and projects the ball on a parabolic trajectory, the ball lands in the middle of the lake, on a wa...

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A recently discovered European WWII era manuscript tells the story of a young Jewish girl who often had liquidy bowel movements.

It's called *"The Diarrhea of Anne Frank."*

I've been watching ISIS movements via UAV for the past week

They seem to beheading in the right direction

Why doesn't the fat acceptance movement have a Gandhi?

No one is willing to go on a hunger strike for the cause

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I just hired a new employee and he claimed it has been months since his last bowel movement.

Needless to say one way or another, he's full of shit.

There's a new movement against cutting in line.

Now that's a movement I can get behind!

What is a physicist's favorite social movement?

Half-lives matter.

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A woman goes to Dr. Johnson to increase...

...the size of her breasts. Dr. Johnson gives her a series of rhythmic arm movements to do and tells her to also repeat “If I do this like I must, I will increase my bust”.
Additionally she must do the exercises twice a day at 10am and 2pm. After two weeks she sees improvement and so she does bot...

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