UPJOKE
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Movement Jokes

Have you heard of the leader of the bovine communist movement?

Cow Zedong, better known as Chairman Cow.

Great guy.

Had the most mooving speeches.
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The fat acceptance movement is the only movement...

without any movement
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People keep grouping all Trump supporters with these Nazi movements recently, which I disagree with and think is quite silly.

After all, the Russians fought *against* the Nazis.

What do schools and the anti-vax movement have in common?

Both are raising the world’s average IQ
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I support the movement for freeing the nipple...

In its favor, I see two clear points....
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I was listening to a new Wagner movement yesterday.

Bit disappointing, it started with a bang but ended with a whimper.
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The "Body Positivity" movement...

Is the only movement that does no movement.
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That awkward movement when you...

read movement as moment.
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I always thought it was vowel movement instead of bowel movement...

Which kind of makes sense if you think about it...

You’re on the toilet going Aaaaa.... Eeeee.... Iiiiii.... Oooooo.... Uuuuu...

And sometimes WHY?!?!
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What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement.
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A friend of mine has some really insane bowel movements.

Shits crazy.

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Was listening to Beethoven's 3rd movement today

He must have the shits

The Body Acceptance Movement really died quick

It seems like anti-bodies are all the rage right now
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I get that the “#me too” movement is supposed to be empowering...

But they could’ve picked a better slogan than “PoundMeToo”
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A biologist, a physicist and a statistician go hunting and they see a deer 70 feet in front of them.

The biologist calculates the deer's movement and shoots 5 feet to the left of the deer because he forgot to calculate the speed of the wind..

The physicist calculates the speed of the wind and shoots 5 feet to the right of the deer because he didn't calculate the deer's movement.

The s...
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I really identify with the trans movement...

For the first 9 months of my life, I was a man trapped in a woman's body!
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I'm really not worried about anti-vaxxers.....

It's a dying movement.
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What's the official song of the Anti Vaxx movement?

Down With the Sickness
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Movement

So I was on the toilet for so long my movement became a fully fledged composition
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Did you hear about the anti-gluten movement.

It's a silly act.
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I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.
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In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

A really good bowel movement may not be the absolute greatest thing in the world

But it's a solid #2.
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"I've been having really painful bowel movements," I told my doctor.

"How long?" he asked.

"I can't be sure," I replied. "It's not like I measure them."
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I just had a massive bowel movement

It was both rewarding and unfull feeling.
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The #MeToo movement wouldn't have worked 20 years ago

Because it would have been pronounced Pound Me Too.
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I thought my latest bowel movement was crap...

...but then I got a second wind.

How do you call the random eye movement caused by prolonged video gaming?

A Nintendo Twitch
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Thanks to the anti-vaxx movement, people are dying needlelessly.

I hope this goes viral.
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I have a nice solid bowel movement every morning at 6AM.

Problem is... I wake up at 7.
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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over for dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for over a...
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When do people have unhappy bowel movements?

On sad-turd-days.

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward
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My smart watch tracks my wrist movement while I'm watching porn...

The feature is called a step-sibling counter.

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You know what's the #MeToo movement's problem?

Fucking women.

Did you know Google now has a platform for recording your bowel movements?

It's called Google Sheets.
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Why do Reddit astrologers not try to divine humor from the movement of planets?

Because the real joke is in the comets!
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A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife

The husband wanted more than a written report , he wanted video of his wife's activities . A week later , the detective returned with a video . They sat down together to watch it
Although the quality was less than professional , the husband saw his wife meeting another man ! He saw the two of...
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In the last movement of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony...

...the double basses have a few big chords right at the start, then nothing for 10 minutes, then come in right at the end for the big finale. During rehearsals, the bass players started putting down their instruments, going for a quick drink, and comng back in time for the end.

On the night o...
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I accidentally ate a handful of scrabble tiles...

My next bowel movement could spell disaster
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the #MeToo movement actually started in the 90s

But it never really took off because PoundMeToo didn’t really send the right message
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Have you heard about the movement to replace lab rats with lawyers?

The researchers don't get so attached and there are *some* things a rat just won't do.
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The flat earth movement have a proud announcement to make:

We now have followers all around the globe.
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What’s the best way to track your bowel movement?

Keep a log.
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A woman has been experiencing frequent bowel movements

A woman went to the doctor with a crappy problem for a while. “I wake up every morning, have my cup of coffee, and at 8:15am I’ll have a bowel movement” she explained to her doctor.

The doctors runs some tests and comes back with the results. “Ma’am, it seems to me that you have three little...

How is /r/jokes like the green movement?

Reuse and Recycle
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The anti-vaxxer movement will end the same way that it started...

It'll go viral.
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Executives at Monsanto have announced an initiative to genetically alter deer for increased movement speed.

Those assholes will do anything to make a quick buck

If the Black Lives Matter movement had started 300 years ago...

it would have been called PETA
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A man goes to an astrologer and then to a doctor for advice because he has trouble in performing bowel movements. Both of them said the same thing.....

"Uranus is not in the right position".

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What do you call it when a garden shed supports the Nazi movement?

The Third Rake

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Steve dates a girl for the first time

Unfortunately, he doesn't know anything about sex, so he fears that it could get serious

Desperate he asks his friend Tom, a real Casanova, for some tips

Tom thinks for a little bit and says:
"Alright, if you want to please a girl, its all about movement. Let's do an exercise!"
<...

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.
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What is a physicist's favorite social movement?

Half-lives matter.
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There's a new movement against cutting in line.

Now that's a movement I can get behind!
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I went to my doctor with severe constipation. I explained to him about my really, really dense bowel movements....

"Tough shit" he said.

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.
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A guy tried to get me to join the movement to ban porn.

I told him I'll give you my porn when you pry it from my warm, lubed hands.

Black Lives Matter movement organizers lied about total number of followers.

It turns out the movement is only three fifths as big as they say it is.
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Why doesn't the fat acceptance movement have a Gandhi?

No one is willing to go on a hunger strike for the cause
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I met a man who claimed he hadn't had a bowel movement in nearly 3 weeks.

I'm pretty sure he was full of shit...

Help me doctor, I have a bowel movement every morning at 7!

Doctor: Well that's good, it means you're healthy.
Man: You'd think so, but I don't wake up until 8am!
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So three old men met on a Sunday morning...

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran,...

The #Metoo movement is getting out of hand! Now there are assault allegations against Slenderman!

But don't worry, they're all faceless accusations.
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I went to the doctor because I hadn't had a bowel movement in nearly 2 weeks.

The doctor says to me "Well, it sounds like you're really bunged up."
I replied "No shit!"

I've been watching ISIS movements via UAV for the past week

They seem to beheading in the right direction
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I ate five cans of alphabet soup earlier.

Just had the biggest vowel movement ever.
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I've heard that couples who are close sometimes share pictures of their bowel movements

But it turns out my wife isn't a fan of my shit-posting.

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Did you know that when you say "poop" your mouth actually makes the same movements as your anus when you poop?

Same thing goes for "explosive diarrhea" ...

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Four musicians are arguing about who gives the best blowjobs in the band.

The first says, “Clarinet players are the best, because they can put so much in their mouth and still play beautifully.”

The second says, “No, it’s flute players! They can handle the mouthpiece sensitively while still using their fingers.”

The third still disagrees, and says “It’s oboe...

Never give the sum of all forces and the directions of movement to a rope

It just wants a tension.
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A mother ant and her daughter were out for a walk in their underground city.

They were having a lovely day until they came upon a group of protesters outside the queen's domain. One, with a sign reading *It's time to GO!,* spotted them and quickly approached.

"Excuse me ma'am, can you spare a moment to take a look at some alarming literature and help support our cause...
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The sleeper, the pastor and Adam's stick

Mr. Smith and the pastor discuss the problem that Mrs. Smith always falls asleep during the sermon. The pastor gives Mr. Smith a hatpin and recommends that he prick her as soon as he receives a sign from the pastor.

The following Sunday, Mrs. Smith has fallen asleep peacefully, the pastor ask...
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My personal trainer in Moscow surprised me by making me do a weird turning movement while holding a medicine ball.

I guess you can say it was a Russian Twist.
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A blonde goes to the doctor because she couldn't make a bowel movement.The doctor prescribes a suppository and sends her on her way...

She returns a week later complaining the laxative did not work.

Doctor: Have you been taking them regularly?

Blonde: What do you think I've been doing,shoving them up my ass?
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What kind of poops do Stick Bugs make?

Dowel Movements.

(an original from my 10 year old)

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Every time I have a big bowel movement I say thank you to my digestive system.

For putting up with my shit.

Most people don't know that Adam Smith was caught up early on in the #metoo movement, when he was accused of groping his secretary.

But he insisted it was just the invisible hand...
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I've started to take the SJW movement seriously and have applied it to my parenting style

It's why I'm ignoring all my 10-month olds privileged white male tears.
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So my girlfriend has been putting on weight. When I pointed it out she got all upset and told me I should support the "Big Girl Movement".

I'm really trying, but it's starting to hurt my back.
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I just hired a new employee and he claimed it has been months since his last bowel movement.

Needless to say one way or another, he's full of shit.

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When you say the word 'poo', your lips make the same movement as you butt hole does when it performs that action

The same with 'diarrhea'.

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A recently discovered European WWII era manuscript tells the story of a young Jewish girl who often had liquidy bowel movements.

It's called *"The Diarrhea of Anne Frank."*

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A man on a train is sitting across a gorgeous young lady, with tight short skirt on (NSFW)

She uncrosses her legs and he notices that she isn't wearing any panties. She saw him look, and says "Are you looking at my pussy?"
The man shamefully apologizes, and promises that it will not happen again.
"It's ok," she says, "I can make it do tricks. Look, I'll blow you a kiss"
The man w...

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