Calling Jokes - 20 Hilarious Calling Jokes

Whosoever invented "dentures" missed out on calling them ...

"Substitooths".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second ...

I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim".

I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

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How do you respond to someone calling you a grammar nazi?

You call them antisemantic!

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I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

After calling 5 different home security companies...

....I've decided it's cheaper to get robbed.

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Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush.

I also pull out way to late.

The furniture store keeps calling me back.....

But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

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Superman is taking an evening stroll past the church when the Minister runs down the steps calling for his help.

"Superman, we need your help, a wall has collapsed in the basement, some workmen are trapped!" says the Minister.

"No way" said Superman "I'm not going near the crypt tonight".

Please stop calling Donald Trump an idiot.

As an idiot myself, it's very offensive that people think he's one of us.

I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times

I keep getting his answering machine

AITA for calling my husband “my hoagie” during BDSM roleplay when I was supposed to call him “my hero”?

Oops! Wrong, sub.

"Thank you for calling the NSA..."

"The only government organization that **actually** listens to you!"

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I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly on your asshole."

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

The doctor's office blocked my number after I kept calling about Pokemon.

I don't know what the hell they're taking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

Calling a friend in Ukraine

“Hi, what is going on ?:”

“Well, Russia is in war with NATO here.”

“And how does it look like ?”

“Russia lost a missile cruiser, over 600 tanks, 25000 soldiers.”

“And NATO ?”

“Did not arrive yet.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Calling in sick...

A young man had just got a job at an electrical store and was to start work on Monday. Unfortunately, he called in sick for the day. The boss was a little annoyed but decided that shit happens and let it go.

The guy came in Tuesday and sold a stack of electronics, and continued on for the res...

I started calling my toilet the "Jim"...

instead of the John.

It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

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