The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

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Hitler's lookinf for athletes in a camp

So, the Olympics are coming up and Germany is having a hard time finding athletes who can jump high enough.

Hitler decides to scout out the prisoners from the camps as well.

In the first camp he visits, he asks if there are people capable of this.

Three prisoners step forward an...

The average paid athlete weighs more than the average felon

The pros outweigh the cons

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium...

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium carrying a long pole on his shoulder. A curious fan that was standing at the gates approached him and asked:
"Are you a polevaulter?"

To which the athlete replied, surprised,
"No, I'm German. But how did you know my name?"

Paid athletes bulk faster than prisoner using gym facilities

The pros outweigh the cons

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony. "Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long ...

An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.

We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.

At which event do disabled athletes compete?

The Limpics.

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

How do cannibals call athletes?

Fast food

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Did you know Hitler was a prolific track athlete in his younger years?

He was the Fascist guy in Germany!

A Atheist,Vegan, and athlete walk into a bar,

I only know them because they told everyone in the first 5 minutes

An athlete walks into a bar

And gets eliminated from the high jump competition

Only athletes will understand this

It's a running joke.

I needed help deciding whether to become an athlete or a criminal,

So I made a list of pros and cons

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What does a professional athlete and a pornstar have in common?

They both get payed millions to play with balls.

Which athlete was the first to take a knee?

Tonya Harding.

What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?

NASCAR

I used to be a professional ski athlete

It just went downhill from there

Why are unvaccinated children such good athletes?

Because they can catch anything

I went to the doctor’s today and they told me I had the body of an athlete today

Or at least the feet of one. But hey, you got to start somewhere

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A female athlete goes to the doctor.

Athlete: “Doctor, I've been training hard, and I’m really worried that I might be growing a penis! You know - because of all the steroids I’ve been taking.”


Doctor: “Anabolic?”


Patient: “No, just a penis.”

If I had to box a professional athlete.

I would choose a soccer player.

Who was the original crossfit athlete?

Jesus

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Apparently I have Athlete's Foot...

shame the rest of my body is that of a fat fuck.

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Why was Hitler never an athlete?

He couldn't finish a race.

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I'm sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made...

What do they want, a fucking medal?

If Estonia's best athlete was called Ted...

Would they call him Talinn-Ted?

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get?

Tic tac toe

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3 of the worlds best athletes go to Japan to test out their new toilet technology

Ones British, ones French and the other is American, so they get to Japan and they're greeted by a scientist and he shows them the toilet and says, go in, take a shit and it will be the best shit in your life, so the British guy goes first and comes back and says my god that was the greatest shit I ...

Tiger Woods is the ultimate Athlete.

18 holes a day and he still has time for golf.

If an athlete can get athlete's foot, what can an astronaut get?

I have no idea.. my 6th grade teacher asked us this and never told us the answer and it's been haunting me for 30 years. Any guesses?

A Priest, a Scientist, a schoolboy, an athlete, and the pilot are flying in a plane....

An Olympic Athlete, a Scientist, a Pilot, a Priest, and a schoolboy are flying in a plane. Suddenly, the plane begins losing altitude and the pilot informs his passengers that they are going to crash. There are parachutes, but there are only four of them. "Screw this then" scream the pilot, as he gr...

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

Professional female athletes are tasty

because they're chick contenders

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Who was Adolf Hitler's least favorite athlete?

O.J. Simpson. Everyone knows Hitler hated The Juice.

What did the athlete say after a perfect hammer toss?

"Nailed it."

Wheelchair athletes have just been banned from the Paralympics

They tested positive for WD40

Say what you want about Russian Athletes

But their training regimen is pretty dope

How many armed men does it take to extort an Olympic athlete?

A Brazilian.

What do French athletes wear?

Jaques straps

A Mexican athlete finally got a medal at the Olympics.

The police are still searching for him.

Why are there so few Mexican athletes in the Olympics?

Because most of them who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

My doctor told me I should do something about my athlete's foot.

But that's what makes me such a fun guy.

I just read on the news that 10 Paralympics athletes have failed a drugs test

They all tested positive for WD40

Why did Hillary put an Australian athlete on her ticket?

She needed a good running mate.

If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?

Mistletoe.

I've compiled a list of famous athletes who have spent time in prison.

It's a pros and cons list.

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Exam for athletes

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire wi...

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What's the difference between an athlete and Hitler?

An athlete succeeds in ending a race.

What do they call a list of athletes in Jamaica?

A rasta.

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Besides being an famous chief (despite burning everything he cooked), Adolf Hitler was also a star athlete....

He was the fascist kid on the playground.

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Why Pro Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs... (long but good)

1 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."


2 New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, which...

I got athlete's foot...

I don't even work out, so I was flattered.

Hear about the first Polish athlete to win an Olympic gold medal?

He was so proud, he had it bronzed.

The Malaysian athletes at the Commonwealth Games are looking very nervous

Must be thinking about the flight home already.

1965 saw the invention of Gatorade, but the competition was fierce.

Florida State had made their own sports drink to give athletes an edge. However, their own "Seminole Fluid" just didn't sell.

Forever mortal frenemies

Britain and France. Forever mortal frenemies. The rivalry goes back over 1000 years. One of the biggest sticking point has always been the channel. Is it the British channel or the French? In order to show how one country was superior in the rivalry every 100 years the 2 countries would hold a cross...

I am totally not a racist but...

Compared to all the others types of races, I think the 400 meter hurdles present the most barriers for track athletes.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

How to make your Speedo work for you

Former competitive swimmer likes to wear his Speedo to the beach, but is always a little self-conscious about it. He wants to impress the ladies, so his buddy says: “That’s easy. I had the same issue. Just put a potato in it and the girls will be all over you!”. So, he takes his friend’s advice and ...

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North Korea is participating in the olympics this year, but they won’t win.

Because all of their athletes that can run jump or swim are in south korea

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Gonorrhea

A man goes to the doctors after his toe goes black and swells up. After he is diagnosed with a dose of gonorrhea of the foot, he asked if it was rare. The doctor told him 'about as rare as the woman we had in yesterday, with athlete's cunt’

A heart transplant

A patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in a car accident, the 2nd is a 35 year old businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is ...

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A Man Walks Into the Neigbourhood Bar

He goes in and orders a drink for himself. He notices an attractive lady sitting by herself a couple tables away. Too attractive for someone of his own league, he thinks to himself.

Halfway through too many drinks though, he ends up plucking up enough courage and approaches her. "May I sit do...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead escape from their cells on a prison island...

... They sneak past the guards and make it to the shoreline. The mainland is a kilometre away, through dangerous waters.


The brunette, being the bravest, leaves first. She swims as hard as she can, but after only a few hundred meters she becomes exhausted and drowns.


The redhea...

Kanye said he is an intellectual who doesn't read books.

Which I get because I am an athlete that rarely moves.

A gem of a story from my grandfather.

My grandmother needed athlete’s foot cream so they went to a pharmacy to find some. The pharmacist didn’t speak a word of English and after about 5 minutes of trying to explain what my grandmother needed my grandfather gave up and walked out. 2 minutes later my grandmother walked out with the anti f...

Which country brought the most competitors to the 2018 Winter Olympics?

Brazil. They brought 8 Brazilian athletes.

Two pregnant women are talking about their future babies

"I feel like my girl will be an athlete, she kicks so much in there it's unbelieavable!"

"Oh, I'm sure mine will be a comedian."

"How can you be so sure?"

"You wouldn't get it. It's an inside joke."

Confusion reigns at the Olympics

A young journalist walked up to a track and field athlete who was warming up for his event to get an interview.

Not entirely sure of the athlete's discipline he asks, "Are you a polevaulter?"

The athlete replied, "Nein, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

Classic IBM salesman joke

Three women were talking about their husbands and their love making, and the first one says, "My husband is an athlete and when he makes love to me, he is so powerful that I am swept up in his body, and it's wonderful"

The second woman says, "My husband is a violinist, and when we make love, ...

Perspectives

A drunk gets into a tram and as he was quite dizzy, has a seat.
At the next stop, a young aspiring girl who is training to become a gymnast gets on. As there were no free seats, she stands right above our drunken fellow, hanging on to the bar for balance.
That day was a summer day, so due to t...

The Pope is giving a speech at Yankee Stadium...

He gets off his plane and hops immediately into the car with his driver in the front. The Pope looks at his watch and realizes how late he is.
"Hey, Mr. Driver, can you go a little faster, please?"
"I'm sorry your Holiness, I've been told to drive the limit for your safety."
"Oh for the lov...

Why doesn't Kevin Spacey win first place in marathons?

He isn't an athlete and doesn't train for marathons

Very slightly based on a true story

When I was in college, our RA was in a frat, Alpha Chi Rho (usually Chi Rho for short.) They had this setup with some various clubs, athletes usually of some sort, because a lot of them majored in physical therapy and/or massage therapy, where they'd have the guys in the frat give therapy sessions.<...

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