What's an athlete's favorite food?

Championchips

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

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I have the body of an athlete

and a dentist, a mcdonalds cashier, a businessman

yeah my basement is a bit crowded

Some people are upset that Profesional athletes get payed so much

But really it makes sense.

After a few years of training an athlete is playing professionally.

After more than a decade of work and education most doctors are still practicing.

What do you call an athlete doing drugs ?

A Speed runner

I've met a track and field athlete that commonly chokes whenever he runs too fast,

It became a running gag for him.

Two guys walk into a bar. Now the first guy is the picture of health, 6’3”, looks like an athlete, whereas the second guy is late 70s, on a zimmer frame, and only 4 foot high.

But what’s really weird about the pair is that, apart from a few wrinkles, they have EXACTLY the same face, like it’s freakishly uncanny.

So the first guy gets to the bar and orders a drink. The barman looks over at the second guy, sat at a table, coughing and spluttering, and says “hey, you...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

Have you noticed how Jesus is always depicted like an athlete who spends all his time at the gym?

At first I thought that he's just working out really hard. Then I heard his street name was "king of the juice".

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A man goes home with a woman he met at the bar.

When they get back to her place, she says, "I didn't want to tell you before, but I've got a fetish. I'd love it if you fucked me with your big toe."

The man, an agreeable sort, goes ahead and does it. Has a pretty good time. But a few days later, he notices his toe is red and inflamed, then...

Famed Indian athlete Milkha Singh was known far and wide for his tirelessness...

One day an American tourist saw Singh reclining on a park bench. She asked him, "Are you relaxing?"



After a long pause, Singh shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Milkha Singh."

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

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Hitler once ran a race against the top German athletes, and they all slowed down to let him win.

He thought he was the fascist man in Germany.

What do you call track-and-field athletes that have a lot in common?

Fast Friends!

What do you call a party ghost with athlete's foot?

A Fun-ghoul infection

It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures

I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

Damn girl, are you Athlete’s Foot?

Because I just caught you in the shower with a bunch of other dudes

Ancient athletes performed naked to imitate the Gods

But whenever I do it I lose my job as a school teacher

I’ll have you know that I have the body of an athlete!

And by athlete, I mean a sumo wrestler...

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

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Why wasn't Hitler a good athlete?

Because he never finished a race.

Dope, or no dope, Lance Armstrong was still a great athlete.

Winning the tour is no easy feat. Even with the drugs, he worked his ball off to go to where he is today!

Did you hear about the athlete shot by a starter pistol at an event?

Detectives believe it was race related.

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It's Career Week in the parochial school...

(OK, real old one but=)

It's Career Week in the parochial school. One day, when all the parents who've come to explain their jobs have done their presentations and gone, Sister Mary Domino has some time to kill, so she has the children stand up, one at a time, and say what THEY want to be wh...

Elon Musk, Cristiano Ronaldo, a mailman, and the Dalai Lama are in a plane when suddenly they enter some extremely rough turbulence.

The pilot enters the room and says “Bad news, the plane is damaged too bad to fix. We have maybe 5 minutes before we’re going to have to abandon the plane.” Unfortunately, when they grab the parachutes, they see that one of them has an enormous rip through the middle and is unusable, which leaves f...

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After having sex for the first time...

After having sex for the first time the girl I was with complained. "I thought you said you could perform like a professional athlete!"

"Hey", I responded, "Don't judge. Bullriders **are** professional athletes!"

A triathlete walks into a bar to replenish some carbs after a hard workout and orders a beer

. "I just got done doing a 10-mile open water swim," he brags to the bartender. "Ten miles, huh? That's impressive," the bartender replies. "I'd struggle to do that much on a bike." "Yeah, well bikes aren't that good in water," the athlete says.

Why do athletes never get hot?

Because they have lots of fans

Two cannibals are eating an E-athlete

One turns to the other and asks: does this taste a little gamey to you?

An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.

We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.

Who would win their weight class in a boxing match, athletes or prisoners?

Not sure, you have to weigh out the pros and cons

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Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman. She planned to give the athletes exercises that would make them beg for mercy



'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete


'Pole vault' he says


'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the inst...

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Hitler's lookinf for athletes in a camp

So, the Olympics are coming up and Germany is having a hard time finding athletes who can jump high enough.

Hitler decides to scout out the prisoners from the camps as well.

In the first camp he visits, he asks if there are people capable of this.

Three prisoners step forward an...

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium...

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium carrying a long pole on his shoulder. A curious fan that was standing at the gates approached him and asked:
"Are you a polevaulter?"

To which the athlete replied, surprised,
"No, I'm German. But how did you know my name?"

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

The average paid athlete weighs more than the average felon

The pros outweigh the cons

Paid athletes bulk faster than prisoner using gym facilities

The pros outweigh the cons

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I'm sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made...

What do they want, a fucking medal?

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Did you know Hitler was a prolific track athlete in his younger years?

He was the Fascist guy in Germany!

I think college athletes should get paid to play sports.

Except Tennessee. They're Volunteers.

An athlete walks into a bar

And gets eliminated from the high jump competition

I hired a private investigator to locate a high-paid athlete and send me a write up.

He found them. The report was profound.

What do you call a competitive athlete thats not very good

A try athlete

I needed help deciding whether to become an athlete or a criminal,

So I made a list of pros and cons

What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?

NASCAR

If I had to box a professional athlete.

I would choose a soccer player.

Which athlete was the first to take a knee?

Tonya Harding.

I used to be a professional ski athlete

It just went downhill from there

At which event do disabled athletes compete?

The Limpics.

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What does a professional athlete and a pornstar have in common?

They both get payed millions to play with balls.

Why are unvaccinated children such good athletes?

Because they can catch anything

Got the best compliment from my doctor today

He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice

I accidentally swallowed some poison last night, and I had the strangest hallucination.

I was looking out of my window, and a group of former athletes walked by. Baseball players Don Mattingly, Pete Rose, and Ray Knight we’re talking with Konrad Dorn, an Austrian hockey player. Football superstars Troy Aikman and Emmett Smith were carrying guitars.

Next, a group of men from the ...

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A female athlete goes to the doctor.

Athlete: “Doctor, I've been training hard, and I’m really worried that I might be growing a penis! You know - because of all the steroids I’ve been taking.”


Doctor: “Anabolic?”


Patient: “No, just a penis.”

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe.

I went to the doctor’s today and they told me I had the body of an athlete today

Or at least the feet of one. But hey, you got to start somewhere

Who was the original crossfit athlete?

Jesus

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3 of the worlds best athletes go to Japan to test out their new toilet technology

Ones British, ones French and the other is American, so they get to Japan and they're greeted by a scientist and he shows them the toilet and says, go in, take a shit and it will be the best shit in your life, so the British guy goes first and comes back and says my god that was the greatest shit I ...

If an athlete can get athlete's foot, what can an astronaut get?

I have no idea.. my 6th grade teacher asked us this and never told us the answer and it's been haunting me for 30 years. Any guesses?

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True latin story

Some friend of mine and his wife have some OnlyFans account, if you dont know about that, its a sucessful market, and obviously to create that awesome porn scene a real male needs some viagra. You know that long ass strokes aint real fam, come on man, 40s is the normal time for healthy men.

...

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Apparently I have Athlete's Foot...

shame the rest of my body is that of a fat fuck.

Wheelchair athletes have just been banned from the Paralympics

They tested positive for WD40

A Priest, a Scientist, a schoolboy, an athlete, and the pilot are flying in a plane....

An Olympic Athlete, a Scientist, a Pilot, a Priest, and a schoolboy are flying in a plane. Suddenly, the plane begins losing altitude and the pilot informs his passengers that they are going to crash. There are parachutes, but there are only four of them. "Screw this then" scream the pilot, as he gr...

Only athletes will understand this

It's a running joke.

Professional female athletes are tasty

because they're chick contenders

Say what you want about Russian Athletes

But their training regimen is pretty dope

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Who was Adolf Hitler's least favorite athlete?

O.J. Simpson. Everyone knows Hitler hated The Juice.

My wife and I played that game where you write down 5 people we're allowed to sleep with

Ourside of our marriage

She gave me her list and I scoffed at the predictability

Celebrities, athletes, she didn't stand a chance!

However as she read mine a look of complete horror swept over her face

And I was grabbing my coat when she screamed "where the hell are you g...

What did the athlete say after a perfect hammer toss?

"Nailed it."

Tiger Woods is the ultimate Athlete.

18 holes a day and he still has time for golf.

How many armed men does it take to extort an Olympic athlete?

A Brazilian.

A fat old man looks at himself in the mirror.

His insecurity rises. He’s not the same man he once was. He’s an old chunk of coal. Why, in high school he was a major athlete- the football type. All the girls wanted him and everyone respected him. He was a hunk. As he stared into this mirror now a some odd fifty years later- the juxtaposition of ...

If Estonia's best athlete was called Ted...

Would they call him Talinn-Ted?

What do French athletes wear?

Jaques straps

What's the difference between a Trump and an athlete?

Athletes know when to stop running.

A friend recently asked me if I had ever known a kid who was going places

I told him that I knew a blind kid who was definitely going somewhere. It was this boy in a first grade class that I was an assistant in. Everyone bullied him cause of his disability, kids are pretty terrible after all. They didn’t care about him or who he was, I’d wager half of them didn’t even ...

My doctor told me I should do something about my athlete's foot.

But that's what makes me such a fun guy.

If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?

Mistletoe.

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What's the difference between an athlete and Hitler?

An athlete succeeds in ending a race.

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Exam for athletes

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire wi...

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

Why are there so few Mexican athletes in the Olympics?

Because most of them who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

Why did Hillary put an Australian athlete on her ticket?

She needed a good running mate.

I just read on the news that 10 Paralympics athletes have failed a drugs test

They all tested positive for WD40

I've compiled a list of famous athletes who have spent time in prison.

It's a pros and cons list.

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