The average paid athlete weighs more than the average felon

As you can see, the pros outweigh the cons.

What's an athlete's favorite food?

Championchips

Why do the athletes sweat a lot more at these Olympics than at the last ones?

There are no fans. (I'll let myself out)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

< Athletes foot! >

I made up this joke in 2010

........................................................

A very active runner was hit by a power shovel. The affect was to shear his privates off. When he got to the hospital the doctor tried to reattach it, but to no avail. The doctor then noticed that...

My grandma was quite the athlete

She had trophies for all sorts of things. Her most prized was a limbo trophy she won in Hawaii. When she passed my brother wanted it. I said no and he stole it. How much lower can you go?

I've met a track and field athlete that commonly chokes whenever he runs too fast,

It became a running gag for him.

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

I told my husband I didn't want to get his athlete's foot.

He said, "So you're calling me an athlete?"

My favorite Irish joke about The Olympics

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman wanted to see the Olympics, but they didn't have tickets. They went round back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the rear entrance which is also where the competing athletes entered. The Englishman looks around and sees a long pole on the g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have the body of an athlete

and a dentist, a mcdonalds cashier, a businessman

yeah my basement is a bit crowded

Some people are upset that Profesional athletes get payed so much

But really it makes sense.

After a few years of training an athlete is playing professionally.

After more than a decade of work and education most doctors are still practicing.

What do you call an athlete doing drugs ?

A Speed runner

My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.

I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.

What do you call track-and-field athletes that have a lot in common?

Fast Friends!

Have you noticed how Jesus is always depicted like an athlete who spends all his time at the gym?

At first I thought that he's just working out really hard. Then I heard his street name was "king of the juice".

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler once ran a race against the top German athletes, and they all slowed down to let him win.

He thought he was the fascist man in Germany.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

Famed Indian athlete Milkha Singh was known far and wide for his tirelessness...

One day an American tourist saw Singh reclining on a park bench. She asked him, "Are you relaxing?"



After a long pause, Singh shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Milkha Singh."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wasn't Hitler a good athlete?

Because he never finished a race.

Did you hear about the athlete shot by a starter pistol at an event?

Detectives believe it was race related.

Damn girl, are you Athlete’s Foot?

Because I just caught you in the shower with a bunch of other dudes

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

What do you call a party ghost with athlete's foot?

A Fun-ghoul infection

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is taking his first ever flight

A man is taking his first ever flight and he's very excited. He's wanted to fly on a plane ever since he was a little boy. He's especially excited about the prospect of who he could be seated next to. His mind full with anticipation over the possibilities- it could be a celebrity, his favorite athle...

I’ll have you know that I have the body of an athlete!

And by athlete, I mean a sumo wrestler...

It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures

I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events

Dope, or no dope, Lance Armstrong was still a great athlete.

Winning the tour is no easy feat. Even with the drugs, he worked his ball off to go to where he is today!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man and a young woman are fooling around when the young woman starts to feel a little more kinky than usual and asks the guy to use his toe on her.

The young man shrugs and decides, Why not? and then proceeds to pleasure his girlfriend with his big toe.

The next day the young man wakes up and notices that the flesh of his toe is sore and a little pink and tender. He ignores it, but after a few days decides to go see his doctor when the s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.

These are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.

What every athlete says after winning: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."

Chuck can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.

Chuck threw a few rocks into the Pacific Ocean. These are now known as Ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes home with a woman he met at the bar.

When they get back to her place, she says, "I didn't want to tell you before, but I've got a fetish. I'd love it if you fucked me with your big toe."

The man, an agreeable sort, goes ahead and does it. Has a pretty good time. But a few days later, he notices his toe is red and inflamed, then...

Ancient athletes performed naked to imitate the Gods

But whenever I do it I lose my job as a school teacher

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and a gal link up in a bar.

They talk, they connect, they go back to her place.

Things get heavy pretty quickly on the sofa, and they go into the bedroom.

After some foreplay, as the guy is about to attempt entry, the gal screams: "Your toe! Your toe!"

The fellow doesn't quite understand and asks what she...

So Canada has declared that they aren’t sending athletes to the Olympics this year.

Why start now?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler's lookinf for athletes in a camp

So, the Olympics are coming up and Germany is having a hard time finding athletes who can jump high enough.

Hitler decides to scout out the prisoners from the camps as well.

In the first camp he visits, he asks if there are people capable of this.

Three prisoners step forward an...

Why do athletes never get hot?

Because they have lots of fans

Two cannibals are eating an E-athlete

One turns to the other and asks: does this taste a little gamey to you?

An athlete walks into a bar

And gets eliminated from the high jump competition

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made...

What do they want, a fucking medal?

An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.

We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know Hitler was a prolific track athlete in his younger years?

He was the Fascist guy in Germany!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman. She planned to give the athletes exercises that would make them beg for mercy



'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete


'Pole vault' he says


'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the inst...

Who would win their weight class in a boxing match, athletes or prisoners?

Not sure, you have to weigh out the pros and cons

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium...

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium carrying a long pole on his shoulder. A curious fan that was standing at the gates approached him and asked:
"Are you a polevaulter?"

To which the athlete replied, surprised,
"No, I'm German. But how did you know my name?"

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

I don’t get why pro athletes feel the need to hit women...

...just reply to the next one in your DMs if she isn’t acting right.

I needed help deciding whether to become an athlete or a criminal,

So I made a list of pros and cons

What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?

NASCAR

Which athlete was the first to take a knee?

Tonya Harding.

I think college athletes should get paid to play sports.

Except Tennessee. They're Volunteers.

If I had to box a professional athlete.

I would choose a soccer player.

I hired a private investigator to locate a high-paid athlete and send me a write up.

He found them. The report was profound.

What do you call a competitive athlete thats not very good

A try athlete

I used to be a professional ski athlete

It just went downhill from there

At which event do disabled athletes compete?

The Limpics.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After having sex for the first time...

After having sex for the first time the girl I was with complained. "I thought you said you could perform like a professional athlete!"

"Hey", I responded, "Don't judge. Bullriders **are** professional athletes!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a professional athlete and a pornstar have in common?

They both get payed millions to play with balls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female athlete goes to the doctor.

Athlete: “Doctor, I've been training hard, and I’m really worried that I might be growing a penis! You know - because of all the steroids I’ve been taking.”


Doctor: “Anabolic?”


Patient: “No, just a penis.”

Who was the original crossfit athlete?

Jesus

I went to the doctor’s today and they told me I had the body of an athlete today

Or at least the feet of one. But hey, you got to start somewhere

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get?

Tic tac toe

What’s the funniest infection?

Athlete’s foot. It causes the feet to crack up.

Which athlete has the most blood and attitude?

A menstrual cyclist.

If an athlete can get athlete's foot, what can an astronaut get?

I have no idea.. my 6th grade teacher asked us this and never told us the answer and it's been haunting me for 30 years. Any guesses?

Elon Musk, Cristiano Ronaldo, a mailman, and the Dalai Lama are in a plane when suddenly they enter some extremely rough turbulence.

The pilot enters the room and says “Bad news, the plane is damaged too bad to fix. We have maybe 5 minutes before we’re going to have to abandon the plane.” Unfortunately, when they grab the parachutes, they see that one of them has an enormous rip through the middle and is unusable, which leaves f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Career Week in the parochial school...

(OK, real old one but=)

It's Career Week in the parochial school. One day, when all the parents who've come to explain their jobs have done their presentations and gone, Sister Mary Domino has some time to kill, so she has the children stand up, one at a time, and say what THEY want to be wh...

Say what you want about Russian Athletes

But their training regimen is pretty dope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 of the worlds best athletes go to Japan to test out their new toilet technology

Ones British, ones French and the other is American, so they get to Japan and they're greeted by a scientist and he shows them the toilet and says, go in, take a shit and it will be the best shit in your life, so the British guy goes first and comes back and says my god that was the greatest shit I ...

Only athletes will understand this

It's a running joke.

Wheelchair athletes have just been banned from the Paralympics

They tested positive for WD40

A Priest, a Scientist, a schoolboy, an athlete, and the pilot are flying in a plane....

An Olympic Athlete, a Scientist, a Pilot, a Priest, and a schoolboy are flying in a plane. Suddenly, the plane begins losing altitude and the pilot informs his passengers that they are going to crash. There are parachutes, but there are only four of them. "Screw this then" scream the pilot, as he gr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently I have Athlete's Foot...

shame the rest of my body is that of a fat fuck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who was Adolf Hitler's least favorite athlete?

O.J. Simpson. Everyone knows Hitler hated The Juice.

Professional female athletes are tasty

because they're chick contenders

What did the athlete say after a perfect hammer toss?

"Nailed it."

How many armed men does it take to extort an Olympic athlete?

A Brazilian.

A triathlete walks into a bar to replenish some carbs after a hard workout and orders a beer

. "I just got done doing a 10-mile open water swim," he brags to the bartender. "Ten miles, huh? That's impressive," the bartender replies. "I'd struggle to do that much on a bike." "Yeah, well bikes aren't that good in water," the athlete says.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Exam for athletes

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire wi...

If Estonia's best athlete was called Ted...

Would they call him Talinn-Ted?

What do French athletes wear?

Jaques straps

Tiger Woods is the ultimate Athlete.

18 holes a day and he still has time for golf.

Got the best compliment from my doctor today

He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who's the World's greatest athlete?

The Guy who finishes first and third in a Masturbation contest.

Why do russian athletes die in the first Place?

Because in Soviet Russia lead is in you.

My doctor told me I should do something about my athlete's foot.

But that's what makes me such a fun guy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an athlete and Hitler?

An athlete succeeds in ending a race.

Why are there so few Mexican athletes in the Olympics?

Because most of them who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

I just read on the news that 10 Paralympics athletes have failed a drugs test

They all tested positive for WD40

Why did Hillary put an Australian athlete on her ticket?

She needed a good running mate.

I've compiled a list of famous athletes who have spent time in prison.

It's a pros and cons list.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why Pro Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs... (long but good)

1 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."


2 New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, which...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.