UPJOKE
sportsportsmanskaterjockswimmerolympiangymnastskierweightlifterhurdlerwinnerathleticsbasketballamateurprofessional

The average paid athlete weighs more than the average felon

As you can see, the pros outweigh the cons.

I once met an Olympian athlete.

I asked him - Are you a pole vaulter? He replied - No, I'm German but how did you know my name is Walter?

Colin Kaepernick wasn’t the first athlete to take a knee

That honor belongs to Tonya Harding.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe

What is round and helps against athlete's foot?

A landmine.

I've met a track and field athlete that commonly chokes whenever he runs too fast,

It became a running gag for him.

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

Damn girl, are you Athlete’s Foot?

Because I just caught you in the shower with a bunch of other dudes

Why do the athletes sweat a lot more at these Olympics than at the last ones?

There are no fans. (I'll let myself out)

My grandma was quite the athlete

She had trophies for all sorts of things. Her most prized was a limbo trophy she won in Hawaii. When she passed my brother wanted it. I said no and he stole it. How much lower can you go?

What do you call an athlete doing drugs ?

A Speed runner

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have the body of an athlete

and a dentist, a mcdonalds cashier, a businessman

yeah my basement is a bit crowded

I see a lot of social media bios that say “retired athlete”...

...which basically means “never went pro”.

Famed Indian athlete Milkha Singh was known far and wide for his tirelessness...

One day an American tourist saw Singh reclining on a park bench. She asked him, "Are you relaxing?"



After a long pause, Singh shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Milkha Singh."

Did you hear about the athlete shot by a starter pistol at an event?

Detectives believe it was race related.

Some people are upset that Profesional athletes get payed so much

But really it makes sense.

After a few years of training an athlete is playing professionally.

After more than a decade of work and education most doctors are still practicing.

Have you noticed how Jesus is always depicted like an athlete who spends all his time at the gym?

At first I thought that he's just working out really hard. Then I heard his street name was "king of the juice".

I told my husband I didn't want to get his athlete's foot.

He said, "So you're calling me an athlete?"

I’ll have you know that I have the body of an athlete!

And by athlete, I mean a sumo wrestler...

An athlete walks into a bar

And gets eliminated from the high jump competition

An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.

We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

< Athletes foot! >

I made up this joke in 2010

........................................................

A very active runner was hit by a power shovel. The affect was to shear his privates off. When he got to the hospital the doctor tried to reattach it, but to no avail. The doctor then noticed that...

Dope, or no dope, Lance Armstrong was still a great athlete.

Winning the tour is no easy feat. Even with the drugs, he worked his ball off to go to where he is today!

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wasn't Hitler a good athlete?

Because he never finished a race.

A boxing match is about to start..

A boxing match is about to start.

An ex-criminal steps on the scale and weighs in at 90kg.

Next up.. a professional athlete weighing in at 85kg.

Gotta weigh the pros and cons

Edit but not actually an edit : it's dumb, I'm aware

My friend has a really inspirational story.

He used to be a cop, but after a while the job really got to him. He was an alcoholic for a long time, and a particular thing for strong, dark beers.

Eventually though, my friend decided to make a change. He went to therapy, quit drinking, and he even quit his job to pursue his real passion....

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler once ran a race against the top German athletes, and they all slowed down to let him win.

He thought he was the fascist man in Germany.

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know Hitler was a prolific track athlete in his younger years?

He was the Fascist guy in Germany!

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

Two cannibals are eating an E-athlete

One turns to the other and asks: does this taste a little gamey to you?

I’m trying to decide if I should become an athlete or a criminal

So I made a list of pros and cons.

If I had to box a professional athlete.

I would choose a soccer player.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

I used to be a professional ski athlete

It just went downhill from there

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the doctor, and finds out that he's got chlamydia on his toes...

The Doc says, "Hmmm... what an odd coincidence. Last week I had a woman show up with a case of athletes cunt!

Dave and the barber

So this guy Dave is in getting a haircut. He tells the barber, “I’m going on a three week vacation to Europe.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you’re not.”

“Yes, I am.”

“You’re going to hate it. Everything is so comp...

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium...

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium carrying a long pole on his shoulder. A curious fan that was standing at the gates approached him and asked:
"Are you a polevaulter?"

To which the athlete replied, surprised,
"No, I'm German. But how did you know my name?"

I got the body of a pro athlete

... in ESports

What do you call a competitive athlete thats not very good

A try athlete

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A female athlete goes to the doctor.

Athlete: “Doctor, I've been training hard, and I’m really worried that I might be growing a penis! You know - because of all the steroids I’ve been taking.”


Doctor: “Anabolic?”


Patient: “No, just a penis.”

Help Requested

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm a star athlete, and have an I.Q. of 165, and I'd like to make a donation." The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.

Twenty minutes later, the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a professional athlete and a pornstar have in common?

They both get payed millions to play with balls.

Who was the original crossfit athlete?

Jesus

It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures

I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events

If an athlete can get athlete's foot, what can an astronaut get?

I have no idea.. my 6th grade teacher asked us this and never told us the answer and it's been haunting me for 30 years. Any guesses?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler's lookinf for athletes in a camp

So, the Olympics are coming up and Germany is having a hard time finding athletes who can jump high enough.

Hitler decides to scout out the prisoners from the camps as well.

In the first camp he visits, he asks if there are people capable of this.

Three prisoners step forward an...

Whats an athlete’s favorite country?

Iran

In the 90s, it had become pretty hip to include just one or two minorities in a Hollywood movie.

One studio always put just one Black guy in each of their movies as a diversity hire. You know, the clerk at a convenience store, some guy in the background, one of the protagonist's lesser of many friends. Someone who wouldn't get a lot of screen time, would probably die first.

During a 1994...

So Canada has declared that they aren’t sending athletes to the Olympics this year.

Why start now?

Why do athletes never get hot?

Because they have lots of fans

I went to the doctor’s today and they told me I had the body of an athlete today

Or at least the feet of one. But hey, you got to start somewhere

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made...

What do they want, a fucking medal?

My favorite Irish joke about The Olympics

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman wanted to see the Olympics, but they didn't have tickets. They went round back to see if they could sneak in, but there was a guard at the rear entrance which is also where the competing athletes entered. The Englishman looks around and sees a long pole on the g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes home with a woman he met at the bar.

When they get back to her place, she says, "I didn't want to tell you before, but I've got a fetish. I'd love it if you fucked me with your big toe."

The man, an agreeable sort, goes ahead and does it. Has a pretty good time. But a few days later, he notices his toe is red and inflamed, then...

A Priest, a Scientist, a schoolboy, an athlete, and the pilot are flying in a plane....

An Olympic Athlete, a Scientist, a Pilot, a Priest, and a schoolboy are flying in a plane. Suddenly, the plane begins losing altitude and the pilot informs his passengers that they are going to crash. There are parachutes, but there are only four of them. "Screw this then" scream the pilot, as he gr...

How many armed men does it take to extort an Olympic athlete?

A Brazilian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Who was Adolf Hitler's least favorite athlete?

O.J. Simpson. Everyone knows Hitler hated The Juice.

Ancient athletes performed naked to imitate the Gods

But whenever I do it I lose my job as a school teacher

My date accused me of lying on my Tinder profile, but what I wrote was absolutely true.

I DO have the body of an Olympic athlete. It's buried in the backyard.

What did the athlete say after a perfect hammer toss?

"Nailed it."

What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?

NASCAR

If Estonia's best athlete was called Ted...

Would they call him Talinn-Ted?

Who would win their weight class in a boxing match, athletes or prisoners?

Not sure, you have to weigh out the pros and cons

Tiger Woods is the ultimate Athlete.

18 holes a day and he still has time for golf.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man and a young woman are fooling around when the young woman starts to feel a little more kinky than usual and asks the guy to use his toe on her.

The young man shrugs and decides, Why not? and then proceeds to pleasure his girlfriend with his big toe.

The next day the young man wakes up and notices that the flesh of his toe is sore and a little pink and tender. He ignores it, but after a few days decides to go see his doctor when the s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between an athlete and Hitler?

An athlete succeeds in ending a race.

At which event do disabled athletes compete?

The Limpics.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.

These are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.

What every athlete says after winning: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."

Chuck can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.

Chuck threw a few rocks into the Pacific Ocean. These are now known as Ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is taking his first ever flight

A man is taking his first ever flight and he's very excited. He's wanted to fly on a plane ever since he was a little boy. He's especially excited about the prospect of who he could be seated next to. His mind full with anticipation over the possibilities- it could be a celebrity, his favorite athle...

Say what you want about Russian Athletes

But their training regimen is pretty dope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman. She planned to give the athletes exercises that would make them beg for mercy



'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete


'Pole vault' he says


'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the inst...

I think college athletes should get paid to play sports.

Except Tennessee. They're Volunteers.

How do cannibals call athletes?

Fast food.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

Why did Hillary put an Australian athlete on her ticket?

She needed a good running mate.

Hear about the first Polish athlete to win an Olympic gold medal?

He was so proud, he had it bronzed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 of the worlds best athletes go to Japan to test out their new toilet technology

Ones British, ones French and the other is American, so they get to Japan and they're greeted by a scientist and he shows them the toilet and says, go in, take a shit and it will be the best shit in your life, so the British guy goes first and comes back and says my god that was the greatest shit I ...

Wheelchair athletes have just been banned from the Paralympics

They tested positive for WD40

Only athletes will understand this

It's a running joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After having sex for the first time...

After having sex for the first time the girl I was with complained. "I thought you said you could perform like a professional athlete!"

"Hey", I responded, "Don't judge. Bullriders **are** professional athletes!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently I have Athlete's Foot...

shame the rest of my body is that of a fat fuck.

Professional female athletes are tasty

because they're chick contenders

What do French athletes wear?

Jaques straps

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.