What do you call a party ghost with athlete's foot?

A Fun-ghoul infection

It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures

I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events

Ancient athletes performed naked to imitate the Gods

But whenever I do it I lose my job as a school teacher

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

Dope, or no dope, Lance Armstrong was still a great athlete.

Winning the tour is no easy feat. Even with the drugs, he worked his ball off to go to where he is today!

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An athlete comes first in everything.

His wife is always dissatisfied when they try and have sex.

Did you hear about the athlete shot by a starter pistol at an event?

Detectives believe it was race related.

Damn girl, are you Athlete’s Foot?

Because I just caught you in the shower with a bunch of other dudes

I’ll have you know that I have the body of an athlete!

And by athlete, I mean a sumo wrestler...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank...

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

Who would win their weight class in a boxing match, athletes or prisoners?

Not sure, you have to weigh out the pros and cons

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Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman. She planned to give the athletes exercises that would make them beg for mercy



'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete


'Pole vault' he says


'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the inst...

An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.

We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.

Two cannibals are eating an E-athlete

One turns to the other and asks: does this taste a little gamey to you?

A well known rule of three

Long ago, on a different geometric planet, there were many perfectly triangular lakes. On each lake were three kingdoms, each presided over by a trio of higher beings. One particular lake has an interesting story. Though the kingdoms on it started out peacefully, each settling their dispute with ano...

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Hitler's lookinf for athletes in a camp

So, the Olympics are coming up and Germany is having a hard time finding athletes who can jump high enough.

Hitler decides to scout out the prisoners from the camps as well.

In the first camp he visits, he asks if there are people capable of this.

Three prisoners step forward an...

I don’t get why pro athletes feel the need to hit women...

...just reply to the next one in your DMs if she isn’t acting right.

Got the best compliment from my doctor today

He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice

Why do athletes never get hot?

Because they have lots of fans

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Did you know Hitler was a prolific track athlete in his younger years?

He was the Fascist guy in Germany!

My wife and I played that game where you write down 5 people we're allowed to sleep with

Ourside of our marriage

She gave me her list and I scoffed at the predictability

Celebrities, athletes, she didn't stand a chance!

However as she read mine a look of complete horror swept over her face

And I was grabbing my coat when she screamed "where the hell are you g...

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium...

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium carrying a long pole on his shoulder. A curious fan that was standing at the gates approached him and asked:
"Are you a polevaulter?"

To which the athlete replied, surprised,
"No, I'm German. But how did you know my name?"

A fat old man looks at himself in the mirror.

His insecurity rises. He’s not the same man he once was. He’s an old chunk of coal. Why, in high school he was a major athlete- the football type. All the girls wanted him and everyone respected him. He was a hunk. As he stared into this mirror now a some odd fifty years later- the juxtaposition of ...

I hired a private investigator to locate a high-paid athlete and send me a write up.

He found them. The report was profound.

The average paid athlete weighs more than the average felon

The pros outweigh the cons

What do you call a competitive athlete thats not very good

A try athlete

Paid athletes bulk faster than prisoner using gym facilities

The pros outweigh the cons

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony. "Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long ...

I think college athletes should get paid to play sports.

Except Tennessee. They're Volunteers.

What do you call a black athlete?

An athlete, you racist

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

An athlete walks into a bar

And gets eliminated from the high jump competition

I needed help deciding whether to become an athlete or a criminal,

So I made a list of pros and cons

At which event do disabled athletes compete?

The Limpics.

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I'm sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made...

What do they want, a fucking medal?

Whats an athlete’s favorite country?

Iran

How do cannibals call athletes?

Fast food.

Which athlete was the first to take a knee?

Tonya Harding.

What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?

NASCAR

If I had to box a professional athlete.

I would choose a soccer player.

I used to be a professional ski athlete

It just went downhill from there

Why are unvaccinated children such good athletes?

Because they can catch anything

A friend recently asked me if I had ever known a kid who was going places

I told him that I knew a blind kid who was definitely going somewhere. It was this boy in a first grade class that I was an assistant in. Everyone bullied him cause of his disability, kids are pretty terrible after all. They didn’t care about him or who he was, I’d wager half of them didn’t even ...

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What does a professional athlete and a pornstar have in common?

They both get payed millions to play with balls.

I went to the doctor’s today and they told me I had the body of an athlete today

Or at least the feet of one. But hey, you got to start somewhere

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A female athlete goes to the doctor.

Athlete: “Doctor, I've been training hard, and I’m really worried that I might be growing a penis! You know - because of all the steroids I’ve been taking.”


Doctor: “Anabolic?”


Patient: “No, just a penis.”

Who was the original crossfit athlete?

Jesus

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Why was Hitler never an athlete?

He couldn't finish a race.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe.

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3 of the worlds best athletes go to Japan to test out their new toilet technology

Ones British, ones French and the other is American, so they get to Japan and they're greeted by a scientist and he shows them the toilet and says, go in, take a shit and it will be the best shit in your life, so the British guy goes first and comes back and says my god that was the greatest shit I ...

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Apparently I have Athlete's Foot...

shame the rest of my body is that of a fat fuck.

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

If an athlete can get athlete's foot, what can an astronaut get?

I have no idea.. my 6th grade teacher asked us this and never told us the answer and it's been haunting me for 30 years. Any guesses?

Professional female athletes are tasty

because they're chick contenders

A Priest, a Scientist, a schoolboy, an athlete, and the pilot are flying in a plane....

An Olympic Athlete, a Scientist, a Pilot, a Priest, and a schoolboy are flying in a plane. Suddenly, the plane begins losing altitude and the pilot informs his passengers that they are going to crash. There are parachutes, but there are only four of them. "Screw this then" scream the pilot, as he gr...

Wheelchair athletes have just been banned from the Paralympics

They tested positive for WD40

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Who was Adolf Hitler's least favorite athlete?

O.J. Simpson. Everyone knows Hitler hated The Juice.

Tiger Woods is the ultimate Athlete.

18 holes a day and he still has time for golf.

Say what you want about Russian Athletes

But their training regimen is pretty dope

If Estonia's best athlete was called Ted...

Would they call him Talinn-Ted?

What did the athlete say after a perfect hammer toss?

"Nailed it."

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A Russian woman athlete goes to the doctors and says "Doctor, I'm growing a tiny penis and I think it's because of the type of steroids I'm taking".

"Anabolic?" asks the doctor.

"No" replies the woman "Just a penis".

How many armed men does it take to extort an Olympic athlete?

A Brazilian.

A guy walks through the Olympic Village

And comes across an athlete with a big stick on his shoulder.

The first guy asks "Are you a pole vaulter?"

The athlete says "No, I am a German and don't call me Walter!"

What would you call a worldwide gathering of male athletes who have ED?

The Olympdicks.

What do French athletes wear?

Jaques straps

My doctor told me I should do something about my athlete's foot.

But that's what makes me such a fun guy.

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Exam for athletes

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire wi...

Why are there so few Mexican athletes in the Olympics?

Because most of them who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

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What's the difference between an athlete and Hitler?

An athlete succeeds in ending a race.

If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?

Mistletoe.

I just read on the news that 10 Paralympics athletes have failed a drugs test

They all tested positive for WD40

Why did Hillary put an Australian athlete on her ticket?

She needed a good running mate.

I've compiled a list of famous athletes who have spent time in prison.

It's a pros and cons list.

What do they call a list of athletes in Jamaica?

A rasta.

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Why Pro Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs... (long but good)

1 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."


2 New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, which...

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Besides being an famous chief (despite burning everything he cooked), Adolf Hitler was also a star athlete....

He was the fascist kid on the playground.

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I was at a party last night and got talking to a leading expert in the use of drugs in Sport.

He told me about a female Bulgarian athlete who had used so much steroids in the 70’s that she started to grow the beginnings of a penis.

“Anabolics?” I asked. “No” he said, “Just a penis”.

Hear about the first Polish athlete to win an Olympic gold medal?

He was so proud, he had it bronzed.

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NSFW A guy and a girl are fooling around...

A young man and a young woman are fooling around when the young woman starts to feel a little more kinky than usual and asks the guy to use his toe on her. The young man shrugs and decides, Why not? and then proceeds to pleasure his girlfriend with his big toe.

The next day the young man wak...

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