The 74+ Best Athlete Jokes

The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

An athlete walks into a bar

And gets eliminated from the high jump competition

Colin Kaepernick wasn’t the first athlete to take a knee

That honor belongs to Tonya Harding.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missile toe

My doctor told me I’ve got Athlete’s foot.…

…. I reckon if I can find another one I’ll go for the Olympics.

An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.

We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.

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A pro athlete visits the children's hospital in his town.

A pro athlete visits the children's hospital in his town. He strikes up a friendship with little Timmy, who has a very rare disease. He promises to visit Timmy every week, and he keeps his promise.

He brings Timmy ice cream and pizza. He buys Timmy every star wars toy he can find. They ...

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pro...

There’s so much debate about whether to allow Russian athletes to compete internationally

Whatever else happens I hope they let Russians compete in the Paralympics. With the way the war’s going they’ll have a heck of a team

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When you think about it, a vagina is a lot like a university.

They're both a lot easier to get into, if you're rich or an athlete.

What do you call an athlete doing drugs ?

A Speed runner

I've met a track and field athlete that commonly chokes whenever he runs too fast,

It became a running gag for him.

Damn girl, are you Athlete’s Foot?

Because I just caught you in the shower with a bunch of other dudes

I’m trying to decide if I should become an athlete or a criminal

So I made a list of pros and cons.

Cancer is to reddit what olympics are to athletes

It gets you medals

Why do the athletes sweat a lot more at these Olympics than at the last ones?

There are no fans. (I'll let myself out)

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In the Olympics, we should allow the athletes to take as many drugs as possible.

Fuck it, I want to see how high they can jump!

I once met an Olympian athlete.

I asked him - Are you a pole vaulter? He replied - No, I'm German but how did you know my name is Walter?

You can paint a thousand paintings and not be called an artist...

You can run a thousand marathons and not be called an athlete...

You can cook a thousand meals and not be called a chef.

But as soon as you kill ONE PERSON...

What is round and helps against athlete's foot?

A landmine.

Did you hear about the athlete shot by a starter pistol at an event?

Detectives believe it was race related.

Famed Indian athlete Milkha Singh was known far and wide for his tirelessness...

One day an American tourist saw Singh reclining on a park bench. She asked him, "Are you relaxing?"

After a long pause, Singh shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Milkha Singh."

I’ll have you know that I have the body of an athlete!

And by athlete, I mean a sumo wrestler...

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

My grandma was quite the athlete

She had trophies for all sorts of things. Her most prized was a limbo trophy she won in Hawaii. When she passed my brother wanted it. I said no and he stole it. How much lower can you go?

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Why was Hitler never an athlete?

He couldn't finish a race.

Have you noticed how Jesus is always depicted like an athlete who spends all his time at the gym?

At first I thought that he's just working out really hard. Then I heard his street name was "king of the juice".

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

Two cannibals are eating an E-athlete

One turns to the other and asks: does this taste a little gamey to you?

I used to be a professional ski athlete

It just went downhill from there

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Did you know Hitler was a prolific track athlete in his younger years?

He was the Fascist guy in Germany!

If I had to box a professional athlete.

I would choose a soccer player.

The average paid athlete weighs more than the average felon

The pros outweigh the cons

What do 10-event athletes do to celebrate Christmas?

Decathe halls.

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I'm sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made...

What do they want, a fucking medal?

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

I went to the doctor’s today and they told me I had the body of an athlete today

Or at least the feet of one. But hey, you got to start somewhere

What did the athlete say after a perfect hammer toss?

"Nailed it."

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A female athlete goes to the doctor.

Athlete: “Doctor, I've been training hard, and I’m really worried that I might be growing a penis! You know - because of all the steroids I’ve been taking.”

Doctor: “Anabolic?”

Patient: “No, just a penis.”

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What does a professional athlete and a pornstar have in common?

They both get payed millions to play with balls.

If an athlete can get athlete's foot, what can an astronaut get?

I have no idea.. my 6th grade teacher asked us this and never told us the answer and it's been haunting me for 30 years. Any guesses?

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Hitler once ran a race against the top German athletes, and they all slowed down to let him win.

He thought he was the fascist man in Germany.

How many armed men does it take to extort an Olympic athlete?

A Brazilian.

It’s significantly harder for athletes to perform in todays temperatures

I’ve read in the newspaper that the Government has forbidden fans at sport events

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium...

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium carrying a long pole on his shoulder. A curious fan that was standing at the gates approached him and asked:
"Are you a polevaulter?"

To which the athlete replied, surprised,
"No, I'm German. But how did you know my name?"

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Hitler's lookinf for athletes in a camp

So, the Olympics are coming up and Germany is having a hard time finding athletes who can jump high enough.

Hitler decides to scout out the prisoners from the camps as well.

In the first camp he visits, he asks if there are people capable of this.

Three prisoners step forward an...

A Priest, a Scientist, a schoolboy, an athlete, and the pilot are flying in a plane....

An Olympic Athlete, a Scientist, a Pilot, a Priest, and a schoolboy are flying in a plane. Suddenly, the plane begins losing altitude and the pilot informs his passengers that they are going to crash. There are parachutes, but there are only four of them. "Screw this then" scream the pilot, as he gr...

Kanye said he is an intellectual who doesn't read books.

Which I get because I am an athlete that rarely moves.

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Who was Adolf Hitler's least favorite athlete?

O.J. Simpson. Everyone knows Hitler hated The Juice.

What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?

NASCAR

So Canada has declared that they aren’t sending athletes to the Olympics this year.

Why start now?

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< Athletes foot! >

I made up this joke in 2010

........................................................

A very active runner was hit by a power shovel. The affect was to shear his privates off. When he got to the hospital the doctor tried to reattach it, but to no avail. The doctor then noticed that...

Tiger Woods is the ultimate Athlete.

18 holes a day and he still has time for golf.

I don’t get why pro athletes feel the need to hit women...

...just reply to the next one in your DMs if she isn’t acting right.

Say what you want about Russian Athletes

But their training regimen is pretty dope

If Estonia's best athlete was called Ted...

Would they call him Talinn-Ted?

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

Why did Hillary put an Australian athlete on her ticket?

She needed a good running mate.

Who would win their weight class in a boxing match, athletes or prisoners?

Not sure, you have to weigh out the pros and cons

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What's the difference between an athlete and Hitler?

An athlete succeeds in ending a race.

At which event do disabled athletes compete?

The Limpics.

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Three Olympic athletes are at an elite training camp

The instructor was a tough, but attractive woman. She planned to give the athletes exercises that would make them beg for mercy

'What's your event?' she asked the first athlete

'Pole vault' he says

'You will spend the next hour pole vaulting!' barks the inst...

How do cannibals call athletes?

Fast food.

I think college athletes should get paid to play sports.

Except Tennessee. They're Volunteers.

Hear about the first Polish athlete to win an Olympic gold medal?

He was so proud, he had it bronzed.

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Apparently I have Athlete's Foot...

shame the rest of my body is that of a fat fuck.

Professional female athletes are tasty

because they're chick contenders

Only athletes will understand this

It's a running joke.

Wheelchair athletes have just been banned from the Paralympics

They tested positive for WD40

What do French athletes wear?

Jaques straps

I just read on the news that 10 Paralympics athletes have failed a drugs test

They all tested positive for WD40

My doctor told me I should do something about my athlete's foot.

But that's what makes me such a fun guy.

why aren't there any Mexican athletes?

Because all the Mexicans who can run, swim or jump are already in the USA.

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A man goes home with a woman he met at the bar.

When they get back to her place, she says, "I didn't want to tell you before, but I've got a fetish. I'd love it if you fucked me with your big toe."

The man, an agreeable sort, goes ahead and does it. Has a pretty good time. But a few days later, he notices his toe is red and inflamed, then...

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