The surgeon tells a patient who needs a heart transplant, "You are in luck, we have two matching donors. A twenty year old athlete and an 80 year old lawyer, which heart do you want?"

The patient answers, "Give me the lawyer's heart, that one hasn't been used yet."

I hired a private investigator to locate a high-paid athlete and send me a write up.

He found them. The report was profound.

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Hitler's lookinf for athletes in a camp

So, the Olympics are coming up and Germany is having a hard time finding athletes who can jump high enough.

Hitler decides to scout out the prisoners from the camps as well.

In the first camp he visits, he asks if there are people capable of this.

Three prisoners step forward an...

I think college athletes should get paid to play sports.

Except Tennessee. They're Volunteers.

Paid athletes bulk faster than prisoner using gym facilities

The pros outweigh the cons

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium...

An athlete was walking into the Olympic stadium carrying a long pole on his shoulder. A curious fan that was standing at the gates approached him and asked:
"Are you a polevaulter?"

To which the athlete replied, surprised,
"No, I'm German. But how did you know my name?"

A Atheist,Vegan, and athlete walk into a bar,

I only know them because they told everyone in the first 5 minutes

An atheist, vegan, and cross fit athlete walk into a bar.

We know this because they all loudly announced it within the first 30 seconds.

What do you call a competitive athlete thats not very good

A try athlete

The average paid athlete weighs more than the average felon

The pros outweigh the cons

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony. "Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long ...

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

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What does a professional athlete and a pornstar have in common?

They both get payed millions to play with balls.

At which event do disabled athletes compete?

The Limpics.

An athlete walks into a bar

And gets eliminated from the high jump competition

Why are unvaccinated children such good athletes?

Because they can catch anything

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Did you know Hitler was a prolific track athlete in his younger years?

He was the Fascist guy in Germany!

Banned

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD-40.

A fat man sees a sign on a door: lose 1 pound for $1...

He puts a dollar in the slot and enters. There is a jogging track with a beautiful naked woman wearing jogging shoes. "Better start running" she says, beckoning him. Excited, he chases her around the track for an hour. Finally he catches her, she... ahem... rewards him... then he steps on the scale....

I needed help deciding whether to become an athlete or a criminal,

So I made a list of pros and cons

Which athlete was the first to take a knee?

Tonya Harding.

How do cannibals call athletes?

Fast food.

What professional sport would be more fun to watch if the athletes drank alcohol during?

NASCAR

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I was at a party last night and got talking to a leading expert in the use of drugs in Sport.

He told me about a female Bulgarian athlete who had used so much steroids in the 70’s that she started to grow the beginnings of a penis.

“Anabolics?” I asked. “No” he said, “Just a penis”.

If I had to box a professional athlete.

I would choose a soccer player.

I used to be a professional ski athlete

It just went downhill from there

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Three men are dying...

Three old men are on their deathbeds. The first says "I've lived a good life. I've supported my family, I've donated to charity, I've lived a good life. But my greatest disappointment is never having sex with an absolutely beautiful woman."

The second man says "I'm a very rich man. I have sev...

Who was the original crossfit athlete?

Jesus

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I'm sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made...

What do they want, a fucking medal?

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A female athlete goes to the doctor.

Athlete: “Doctor, I've been training hard, and I’m really worried that I might be growing a penis! You know - because of all the steroids I’ve been taking.”


Doctor: “Anabolic?”


Patient: “No, just a penis.”

I went to the doctor’s today and they told me I had the body of an athlete today

Or at least the feet of one. But hey, you got to start somewhere

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NSFW A guy and a girl are fooling around...

A young man and a young woman are fooling around when the young woman starts to feel a little more kinky than usual and asks the guy to use his toe on her. The young man shrugs and decides, Why not? and then proceeds to pleasure his girlfriend with his big toe.

The next day the young man wak...

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A Man Visits His Friend In The Psych Ward

A man went to visit his friend in a psych ward. On the way to his room, he sees a patient facing a wall, pretending to swing a tennis racket. He asks him, "What are you doing?" and the guy says back "I'm a pro tennis player, and when I get out of here, I'm going to play in the Grand Slam." The man s...

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Apparently I have Athlete's Foot...

shame the rest of my body is that of a fat fuck.

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Why was Hitler never an athlete?

He couldn't finish a race.

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get?

Tic tac toe

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3 of the worlds best athletes go to Japan to test out their new toilet technology

Ones British, ones French and the other is American, so they get to Japan and they're greeted by a scientist and he shows them the toilet and says, go in, take a shit and it will be the best shit in your life, so the British guy goes first and comes back and says my god that was the greatest shit I ...

Professional female athletes are tasty

because they're chick contenders

If Estonia's best athlete was called Ted...

Would they call him Talinn-Ted?

If an athlete can get athlete's foot, what can an astronaut get?

I have no idea.. my 6th grade teacher asked us this and never told us the answer and it's been haunting me for 30 years. Any guesses?

Tiger Woods is the ultimate Athlete.

18 holes a day and he still has time for golf.

A Priest, a Scientist, a schoolboy, an athlete, and the pilot are flying in a plane....

An Olympic Athlete, a Scientist, a Pilot, a Priest, and a schoolboy are flying in a plane. Suddenly, the plane begins losing altitude and the pilot informs his passengers that they are going to crash. There are parachutes, but there are only four of them. "Screw this then" scream the pilot, as he gr...

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Who was Adolf Hitler's least favorite athlete?

O.J. Simpson. Everyone knows Hitler hated The Juice.

What did the athlete say after a perfect hammer toss?

"Nailed it."

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

1965 saw the invention of Gatorade, but the competition was fierce.

Florida State had made their own sports drink to give athletes an edge. However, their own "Seminole Fluid" just didn't sell.

Forever mortal frenemies

Britain and France. Forever mortal frenemies. The rivalry goes back over 1000 years. One of the biggest sticking point has always been the channel. Is it the British channel or the French? In order to show how one country was superior in the rivalry every 100 years the 2 countries would hold a cross...

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Who's the World's greatest athlete?

The Guy who finishes first and third in a Masturbation contest.

How many armed men does it take to extort an Olympic athlete?

A Brazilian.

What do French athletes wear?

Jaques straps

Why do russian athletes die in the first Place?

Because in Soviet Russia lead is in you.

Say what you want about Russian Athletes

But their training regimen is pretty dope

What's the difference between a Trump and an athlete?

Athletes know when to stop running.

Why are there so few Mexican athletes in the Olympics?

Because most of them who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.

A Mexican athlete finally got a medal at the Olympics.

The police are still searching for him.

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Gonorrhea

A man goes to the doctors after his toe goes black and swells up. After he is diagnosed with a dose of gonorrhea of the foot, he asked if it was rare. The doctor told him 'about as rare as the woman we had in yesterday, with athlete's cunt’

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What's the difference between an athlete and Hitler?

An athlete succeeds in ending a race.

I just read on the news that 10 Paralympics athletes have failed a drugs test

They all tested positive for WD40

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Exam for athletes

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: ________________________________________
(20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire wi...

If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?

Mistletoe.

I've compiled a list of famous athletes who have spent time in prison.

It's a pros and cons list.

Why did Hillary put an Australian athlete on her ticket?

She needed a good running mate.

What do they call a list of athletes in Jamaica?

A rasta.

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A Man Walks Into the Neigbourhood Bar

He goes in and orders a drink for himself. He notices an attractive lady sitting by herself a couple tables away. Too attractive for someone of his own league, he thinks to himself.

Halfway through too many drinks though, he ends up plucking up enough courage and approaches her. "May I sit do...

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Why Pro Athletes Can't Have Regular Jobs... (long but good)

1 Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
kids to copulate me."


2 New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, which...

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Besides being an famous chief (despite burning everything he cooked), Adolf Hitler was also a star athlete....

He was the fascist kid on the playground.

Hear about the first Polish athlete to win an Olympic gold medal?

He was so proud, he had it bronzed.

I got athlete's foot...

I don't even work out, so I was flattered.

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