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Produce Jokes

Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

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A man in New York walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sell whole heads of cabbage. 

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b\*\*\*\*\* outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."...

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What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?

Relative Humidity.

I lost $5 million dollars investing in a bogus company that claimed to be planning to produce life like/sized Henry Winkler dolls.

It was a Fonzie scheme.

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What type of bees produce milk?

Boobees.

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A boob, vagina and asshole are having a debate on who is the greatest among all of them. Boob: I produce milk; Vagina: I produce babies;

why are you still reading? It is your turn to speak.

Steve sees an ad for hiring a music producer.

The ad reads: "MUSIC PRODUCER WANTED! Must be able to play piano, type 40 words a minute, and be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer!" So he decides to go apply for the job.

The hiring manager is pleased with his resume but says, "Well your resume looks good, but I have to admit S...

What do you call a factory that produces OK products?

Satisfactory

If a cow doesn't produce milk...

Is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

Gandhi often walked barefoot wich produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet

He also ate very little making him rather frail and with his odd diet he often suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis.

My life is like an over produced comic book series

It's just one issue after another, and the plot doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

Never buy produce from twins...

They always come in pairs.

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

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A boob, vagina and asshole are debating who is the greatest of the three.

Boob: I produce milk for babies and I am attractive to the opposite sex.

Vagina: That's nothing, I give birth to babies and can accommodate the opposite sex.

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After years of getting nothing from my garden, I finally got my dildo patch to produce!

But now I have a problem with squatters.

How do you call the greatest milk ever produced?

Legendairy

A guy was sitting on a park bench when he suddenly produced a loud long fart. When he got up there was a pile of coins.

It was the wind of change.

The producer to his wife, an actress:

Producer: "Darling, will you marry again if I die?"
Wife: "I assume so, dear."
Producer: "Would you sleep in the same bed with him?"
Wife: "Yes, he would be my husband after all.”
Producer: "Would you give him my golf clubs too?"
Wife: "No, he's left-handed."

Scientists say that talking to dairy cows helps them to produce more milk

>!It's in one ear and out the udder!<

Why did the producer of Dirty Jobs get fired?

He was a Mike Rowe manager.

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

I can produce silver just by sniffing.

Smelt it with my own nose.

**I'll show myself out**

When Cleopatra is aroused, she produces pharaoh-moans.

Unless it’s that time of the month that she’s on her pyramid.

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My friend claims there's no word for excrement produced by male cattle.

I think that's bullshit.

Which fast food produces the most radiation?

>!Fission chips. !<

I had to quit my job as a produce clerk.

The didn't pay me a good celery.

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A man was walking along the countryside where he notices a lot of sheep and only one shepherd so curiously, he walks over to him and asks

A man was walking along the countryside where he notices a lot of sheep and only one shepherd so curiously, he walks over to him and asks

"Are those sheep yours?"

"Which ones, the black, or the white?"the shepherd asks.

"The black ones?"

"They're mine." He said

"I ...

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After experiencing Nirvana during sex, but before you make The Offspring, what do you produce?

Pearl Jam.

Why did Ohio produce 20 astronauts?

Because it’s so boring, the inhabitants want to leave the planet

I tried raising cows, but they didn’t produce any milk.

Needless to say, my venture was an udder failure.

I work in a toy factory where dracula dolls are produced...

I only have one colleague at the production line so I have to make every second count.

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A Hollywood producer needs a farm animal...

One day, a farmer was tending to his crops when a Hollywood producer turned up.

"How can I help you?" asked the farmer

"I'm shooting a film nearby and we need an animal for the main action scene, I heard there was a farm here and came to check it out" the producer replied

Excit...

I had to create a report on how wind energy is produced

It was a breeze.

Why is gravity so cheap?

It's mass-produced

I got some produce on my way home today.

It was a very fruitful walk.

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This is an original!

Steel producers are grappling with the high price of iron...

...they say it's a terrible ore deal.

(An ore-ful joke, I know.)

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Guy goes up to a produce stock boy and says...

"I want half a head of lettuce. Can you do that for me?" The stock boy says, "Just a minute," and heads off the back room. He finds the produce manager and says, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." Something makes him look back and he sees that the customer has followed him and is st...

Why did the farmer decide to become a DJ after a failed produce?

Because he had a ton of sick beets

It is said that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare

Today, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true

Never thought Netflix would produce an award-winning series watched by tens of millions around the world. But hey...

Stranger Things have happened.

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Did you know the average blue whale has a 6 foot long penis and can produce more than 20 pounds of semen?

Turns out KFC isn’t the only animal that comes in buckets.

Did you know there is a wide variety in men’s ability to produce sperm?

In fact, there’s a vas deferens.

People are a lot like Vegetables. Sometimes when you're buying produce you see some that are bruised, dented, misshapen..

Not all of them are perfect on the outside, what really matters is that they're really all the same on the inside and every one is equally edible.

I got kicked out of a grocery store for inappropriate behavior in the produce section.

All I did was take a leek.

What kind of bees produce milk?

Boo bees.

(Not mine, my friend told me this joke but he doesn’t have Reddit.)

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,

Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows w...

Company Heinz announces plans to produce PPE

There is still global shortages. They will be playing Ketchup.

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what sex position produces the ugliest babies?

ask your mother

Two human can multiply to produce more humans by mating. But two imaginary human can't multiply to produce more imaginary humans.

The resulting human will be negative.

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Produce worker...

An old lady approaches a kid working in the produce aisle in the grocery store and asks if she can buy a half a head of lettuce. The kid tells her he'll be right back.
He walks up to his manager and says- "You aren't going to believe this- but I have a woman in Produce that wants to buy a half a...

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Be thankful you get to eat enough to produce poop.

Some people don't have that shit.

Ever since I became the new produce inspector I've been visiting local grocers and supermarkets; but they're always surprised to see me.

It seems nobody expects the spinach inquisition

An elderly Chinese man is on his deathbed. To his three sons he produces a small bundle of chopsticks… “My sons…” he murmurs, “these chopsticks…”

“I know, father!” says the eldest son. “These chopsticks are like your children, right?” The father shakes his head. “These chopsticks…” he tries again.

“I know, father!” says the middle son. “When we are united, we are unbreakable, right?” He begins with flex the bundle and true enough they...

Two farmers are arguing over their produce.

Farmer 1-"That's my grain!"
Farmer 2-"No that's my grain!"

A third farmer a bit aways walks in

Farmer 3-"I'm getting migraine just listening to you two idiots yell at each other"

What do you call a female cow that can't produce milk?

A miss-steak

(Sorry this probably would do better in dad jokes)

Why was frosty in the produce aisle?

Picking his nose.

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk...



The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. The...

Good news, I'm finally going to get something I wrote produced for the stage.

I've lined up some great people to perform in it. The producer read the script, titled "I Pun, Therefore I Am,” and asked me if it was a musical.

Sadly, I told him no. It's just a play on words.

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M's are protesting?

They start painting the m letters upside-down.

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M's are protesting really hard?

They paint the m letters on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.

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A Covid-19 study produced some startling results.

Data was conducted from a
Sex@COVID online survey in Italy
from April 7 to May 4, 2020. In it
were 6,821 participants 18 or older
(4177 women, 2,644 men), and
results from it show that erectile
dysfunction was significantly higher
among men than among women.

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What types of birds produce the best milk?

Tits.

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A man, shopping in the produce aisle, is approached by a friendly woman.

“Good morning, I believe you’re the father of one of my kids” the woman says to him in a brief and polite manner.

The man is instantly overwhelmed by angst and uncertainty once he registers this statement.

“Are you... by any chance the stripper I made love to on the pool table at my ba...

Grocery produce aisle

ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

I earned an Oscar for being the best producer.

He was born and named yesterday after my long fight against fertility.

Iowa has produced a new Tennis sensation

Anna Cornacoba

A chap Tours a factory that produces latex products.

A chap is going on tour of a factory that produces latex products.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a ...

Facebook recently started a produce market dealing exclusively in peppers.

Yet another way they're jalapeĂąo business.

Scientists have discovered a new genus of bees that produce milk instead of honey.

They're called boo-bees

TIL you need a 3.0 GPA to produce honey

You can't produce honey without Bs.

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A man got fired from his job

A man got fired from his packaging job at a produce factory. Comes home and wife asksed how it happened.
He: I was feeling hot, so I stuck my dick into the pickle slicer.
She: Oh no! Is your dick ok?
He: Yeah, my dick is fine. They fired me for some workplace ethics rule.
She: And what a...

A man walks into a supermarket and goes to the produce section...

He asks the man working the counter for three pounds of potatoes. The worker says, "Mate, we use kilos nowadays."
The man shrugs and says, "Fine, three pounds of kilos, then."

Seems like nothing is produced in Britain anymore.

Even my new TV was built in Antenna according to the box.

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The director of one of America's finest hospitals is showing the President around the hospital.

In one room, the President sees a male patient masturbating furiously. "What's that guy doing?" he asks.

"He has a very rare condition," responds the director. "He produces semen way too quickly. If he doesn't masturbate at least thrice a day, his testicles will explode."

In the next r...

What do cows produce during an earthquake?

MILKSHAKE!!!!

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