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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

What do you call a cow that can't produce milk?

A milk dude

So if a cow doesn't produce milk...

Is it considered a milk dud or a udder failure

What do you call a North Korean dictator who produces music on SoundCloud?

Kim Jong Tune

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A man has job working in the produce department of a grocery store in Ontario

As he is putting the last grapefruit on top of a pyramid of fruit, an old woman walks up and grabs a grapefruit from the bottom of the pyramid. As the grapefruits all tumble to the ground, she says she'd like to buy half a grapefruit.

Frustrated, the man walks into another aisle to cool down,...

A man sits at a bar and produces a small piano along with a 12 inch pianist.

Barman asks how did he come to have such a small pianist in his care?

With an annoyed look the man says "I met a Genie who had a hearing problem".

Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers,

your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.

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A farmer is selling produce when a woman walks up to him and asks for some onions.

"Sorry, but we don't have onions here. How about some broccoli or peas?" he suggests.

The woman thinks about it for a moment, then says, "nah, do you have some onions instead?"

The farmer, slightly pissed off, says,"I already told you. We don't carry onions. What about some eggplants ...

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.

"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags i...

Facebook recently started a produce market dealing exclusively in peppers.

Yet another way they're jalapeño business.

I heard about this farmer who was feeding his cows marijuana so they would be happier and produce more offspring.

I can't recommend it because the steaks would be too high.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the Farmer talks to them

It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder

A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.

We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.

I had expected that being asked to produce shoes for the Vatican would improve business at my Dublin shoe shop...

...but we've had nothing but trouble since changing our sign to say COBBLERS TO THE POPE

A woman encounter a friend she hasn't seen in some years in the produce market.

After some catching up she tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ...

Why was frosty in the produce aisle?

Picking his nose.

So when Spiderman produces a white sticky substance it's "cool"

Why is it whenever I produce a white sticky substance I'm considered a "massive pervert"?

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What type of bee produces milk?

A boobie.

I am starting a company to produce and sell Marijuana infused meat.

Our motto is "A pot in every chicken."

My teacher told me a current carrying conductor produces a magmetic field. I disagreed.

Teacher said, "I am the teacher."

I said, "I don't give a flux."

What state produces the most mumble rappers?

Virgin-yuh.

I'd like to work in a factory that produces counter-tops

so I could get paid for being counter-productive.

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A man is working in the produce section of a grocery store when an elderly woman approaches him...

“Excuse me, young man. Where is the broccoli?” The man says, “Sorry ma’am, but we just ran out. Please come back tomorrow and we should have some more.”
A bit confused, the old woman walks away.

A few minutes later, the same woman approaches the man again.
“Pardon me, I don’t see the ...

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A boob, vagina and asshole are having a debate on who is the greatest among all of them. Boob: I produce milk; Vagina: I produce babies;

why are you still reading? It is your turn to speak.

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A grocer is arranging vegetables in the produce section of his store..

When a woman taps him on the shoulder to say "Excuse me, sir, but where would I find some broccoli?" The man replies "Ma'am, I'm sorry but we just ran out of broccoli. The woman nods and leaves the man to arrange the vegetables.

A few minutes later, the same woman taps the grocer on the shou...

Skrillex isn't allowed into produce markets.

Why? He keeps dropping beets.

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What types of birds produce the best milk?

Tits.

What do you call a factory that produces OK products?

Satisfactory

Two human can multiply to produce more humans by mating. But two imaginary human can't multiply to produce more imaginary humans.

The resulting human will be negative.

A produce farmer walks into a bar carrying a box of some of his freshly harvested vegetables and orders a beer.

"Keep an eye on that farmer," the bartender tells a waitress. "You won't want to miss it when he starts dancing. He's incredible." "How will I know when he's going to dance?" the waitress asks, watching the farmer just sitting on the bar stool, nursing his beer. "Just keep an eye on him," the barten...

Where's the best place to store your GMO produce?

In the Vegetable CRISPR

Did you know there's software that produces lotion?

It's called appointment.

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he...

TIL you need a 3.0 GPA to produce honey

You can't produce honey without Bs.

TIL the Earth produces global electromagnetic resonance with the highest peak frequency of 33.8Hz, slightly lower than a C#1 note with a frequency of 34.65Hz.

I guess you can say the earth is flat.

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As told by my 8 year old step son - what type of bees produce milk?

Boobees..... (He really got me with that one)

Don't trust the farmer! The poultry he advertised was far better than the produce he sold!

When I challenged him, he only apologised for giving me a misleading egg-sample.

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Which sexual position produces the ugliest babies?

Ask your mother

I made a contest to see which silkworm would produce more silk.

But it just ended up in a tie.

What do you call a salmon that can produce twice as many eggs twice as quickly and normal?

A-fish-in-sea

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My friend has a dream to produce a musical porn movie.

I told him it would be hard to find girls who could sing with their mouths full.

Eminem, 50 Cent and Andre from Outkast get together to produce a new single.

50 Cent says, 'I'll make the beat.'


Eminem says, 'I'll release it on my label and deal with the promo.'


Andre says, 'I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll write, I'll ...

I can produce silver just by sniffing.

Smelt it with my own nose.

**I'll show myself out**

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Guy goes up to a produce stock boy and says...

"I want half a head of lettuce. Can you do that for me?" The stock boy says, "Just a minute," and heads off the back room. He finds the produce manager and says, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." Something makes him look back and he sees that the customer has followed him and is st...

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy...

But won't cross the street to vote.

Did you hear about the new minting machine that produces coins only if you focus intently on it?

It makes cents if you think about it.

My father always complained about his firing from Lay's after being caught stealing produce.

He always did have a huge chip on his shoulder.

A small town has a factory which produces coffee scented skin creme.

The trucks which transport the cream are causing so much traffic in the small town that the mayor holds a town hall meeting to find a solution. The residents eventually vote to move the cream by train.

So there was a local motion for mocha lotion locamotion.

Have y'all heard of the cow that produces milk that taste like that stuff of myths?

It's legen-dairy

I put all of my crops and produce in wheelchairs...

That way all of my vegetables feel special.

What do cows produce during an earthquake?

MILKSHAKE!!!!

One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse

So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. Th...

Did you know that depending on their mood, people produce two different smelling types of sweat?

That's just my two scents on the topic

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Scientist have discovered a way to make food that, after eaten, produces absolutely no solid waste.

They expect that within a few million years, humanity will physically evolve to accommodate our new digestive requirements. They also predict the world will become a utopia, because there will be no assholes.

Grocery produce aisle

ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

If trees produced wifi we'd be planting them everywhere...

... too bad they only produce oxygen.

What do you call it when a cell is determined to produce ATP?

Cellular Desperation

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A guy walks into a market and ask for the half of a watermelon.

The produce employee tells him that they only sell full watermelons, the guy ask again but he gets the same answer.

So he tells the employee to ask to his supervisor, the employee agrees(without noticing that the customer is behind him all the time).

When the employee meets the supervi...

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So a woman is looking lost in the produce section of a grocery store...

So a man that works there approaches her and asks “Can I help you find something?” “Yes, can you please tell me where I can find the broccoli?” she asks. “Oh I’m sorry ma’am, we’re all out of broccoli right now but we will be receiving a new shipment tomorrow”. A few minutes go by, but the woman con...

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...