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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

They say 1 million monkeys with 1 million keyboards can produce the entire works of Shakespeare...

...Thanks to the internet we now know that's not true

When Cleopatra is aroused, she produces pharaoh-moans.

Unless it’s that time of the month that she’s on her pyramid.

I wanted to produce my own carpets

But I'm not rugged enough

I got kicked out of a grocery store for inappropriate behavior in the produce section.

All I did was take a leek.

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An upcoming director, Tim, is having dinner with two prestigious producers in a fancy restaurant.

The director sees Frank Sinatra in the distance walking into the men's bathroom. The director excuses himself and goes in after him.

As Frank pees in one of the urinals the director approaches him and says, “Mr Sinatra, I'm sorry to bother you, but there are two producers I'm trying to impre...

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What do you call a bee that produces milk?

Boobies...

Mahatma Gandhi, as everyone knows, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Why did Ohio produce 20 astronauts?

Because it’s so boring, the inhabitants want to leave the planet

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Today was my first and last day working on a porno set. When I asked if we had any lubricant, the producer said “KY?”

Apparently it wasn’t okay to reply “because I’m fucking dry, hand it over!”

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones,

Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows w...

Why did the snowman get kick out the produce Department

Because he was picking his nose

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A Covid-19 study produced some startling results.

Data was conducted from a
[email protected] online survey in Italy
from April 7 to May 4, 2020. In it
were 6,821 participants 18 or older
(4177 women, 2,644 men), and
results from it show that erectile
dysfunction was significantly higher
among men than among women.

I got some produce on my way home today.

It was a very fruitful walk.

——-




This is an original!

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Which sexual position produces the ugliest babies?

Ask your mom

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Which bees produce milk?

Boobees

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A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

Netflix is producing a documentary about the end of BlockBuster....

Thats like if the school shooters produced "Bowling for Columbine"

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

A chap Tours a factory that produces latex products.

A chap is going on tour of a factory that produces latex products.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a ...

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Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

My wife was showing me a really unique houseplant she was growing. When she first planted it, it was a male, and it produced pollen.

After a while, it stopped producing pollen and started making seeds. It had outgrown its pot, so my wife wanted me to help her put it in a larger one. I said, “Sure, I can help you transplant the transplant.”

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A guy from IRS shows up at the rabbi's house

"So, you produce a lot of waste during your ceremonies that could potentially be sold for profit but it's missing from your books, how do you account for that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the matzo bread you eat... It's awfully dry, it must surely leave a lot of crumbs... What do you d...

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

My wife asked me why Russia has paid family leave while the US does not...

I explained that in Russia life is hard and adults need to be incentivized to produce more kids.

But in America, if we want more kids, we just have to let some immigrants out of their cages. Much cheaper.

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A guy dies and suddenly finds himself in Hell...

He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.

"Craig?," asks the demon as the man approaches.

"Y... yes," answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.

"Hi. I'm Ed. I know what you're thi...

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After experiencing Nirvana during sex, but before you make The Offspring, what do you produce?

Pearl Jam.

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Big Game Hunter goes to Siberia to hunt Russian Bear

When he arrives on the train station (probably the only one in Siberia) he is greeted by the village hunter/gatherer/provider who has a very mangy, tiny, old dog leashed with a massive iron chain.
\-"Right, I'll help you." says the native "Here's what we're going to need: A great big blow horn,...

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Most scat porn is produced in Germany.

It’s the country’s number 2 export.

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

Why does DJ Khaled shout his name at the beginning of the songs he produces?

So you know that it's time to change the channel.

A group of movie producers are working on the next avengers/MCU movie

Producer 1: Does anyone have any ideas for the villain?

Producer 2: Ok, how about a 14 foot tall, flaming eye-ball, with poison swords for arms, who shoots lasers from his feet, and has a pet llama made of diamonds

Head producer: You’re over-thinking this, let’s just keep it low-key

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I went into a bar in France

and asked the barman, "Do you have any proper beer in here or do you just serve that locally-produced piss?"

"Oui." he replied.

So I walked out and continued my search to find a proper pint.

A bull walked up to a cow and boasted that even without an udder he could produce more milk than her.

"How dairy! ? ", thought the cow.

Meatloaf has produced 3 really great songs but of them, I can only recognise Bat out of Hell and Heaven can wait.

Well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad

What do you call a factory that produces passable products?

A Satisfactory!

The royal calligrapher's apprentice.

In the late 1400s there was a young man named Pablo. He was apprenticed to the royal calligrapher for the king of Spain. One day the royal calligrapher gathered his apprentices for a lesson.

"Any letter penned for his majesty must be penned with Ink made here in Spain! It would be a trav...

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Why are girls called chicks?

Because they produce eggs or because they love cocks?

Never thought Netflix would produce an award-winning series watched by tens of millions around the world. But hey...

Stranger Things have happened.

A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.

The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!

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A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

He puts the octopus down on a barstool and tells everyone in the bar,

"this is the world's most talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument you can find - in fact, i'll bet $100 that nobody here has an instrument that this octopus can't play."

Somebody in the bar pulls out a g...

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German Sex

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex wit you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the Ger...

I earned an Oscar for being the best producer.

He was born and named yesterday after my long fight against fertility.

What do you call a cow that can’t produce milk?

>!An udder failure!<

Company Heinz announces plans to produce PPE

There is still global shortages. They will be playing Ketchup.

What do anti-vaxxers do at Covid-19 funerals?

Stare at the ceiling.
_____________
**Thank you** /u/JustNick4 for giving this joke the extremely desirable **Evil Cackle Award**. I've never won an Evil Cackle Award before, so as you can imagine, I'm over the moon. I'm going to put it in the candy bowl every Halloween for the neighbor kids ...

I was at the grocery store on a date

The employees asked me to leave for sitting on the produce.

What do you call a female cow that can't produce milk?

A miss-steak

(Sorry this probably would do better in dad jokes)

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is th...

No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.

They give sound advice.

A panda walks into a bar...

A panda walks into a bar. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why? Why are you behaving in this strange, un-panda-like fashion?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda walks towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual an...

What kind of bees produce milk?

Boo bees.

(Not mine, my friend told me this joke but he doesn’t have Reddit.)

Me in the Produce Aisle

Me: Hi, are these carrots genetically modified?

(simultaneously)
Clerk: No, why do you ask?
Carrot: No, why do you ask?

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A man, shopping in the produce aisle, is approached by a friendly woman.

“Good morning, I believe you’re the father of one of my kids” the woman says to him in a brief and polite manner.

The man is instantly overwhelmed by angst and uncertainty once he registers this statement.

“Are you... by any chance the stripper I made love to on the pool table at my ba...

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The Farmer and the Rooster LONG

A farmer has over 100 hens on his land, but not one rooster. He sees an ad in the local paper for "Stud Rooster, $50. Guaranteed or your money back", so he sends in the money. Two days later the crate arrives, and inside is the scrawniest rooster the farmer has ever seen.

The rooster looks...

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A boob, vagina and asshole are having a debate on who is the greatest among all of them. Boob: I produce milk; Vagina: I produce babies;

why are you still reading? It is your turn to speak.

Scientists have discovered a new genus of bees that produce milk instead of honey.

They're called boo-bees

Jack Schitt, Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock a...

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a G...

A Broadway producer is telling his woes to a bartender...

A Broadway producer is telling his woes to a bartender and is explaining how much money he is losing on his latest play. He knows it's no good but feels if he could get some awards people would start talking about it and wanting to go see it. He just needs to figure out a way to get this play to win...

- I just build a machine that produces knives

- Is it any good?

- It's cutting edge technology.

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Two checkout cashiers are chatting at work

One says to the other, "You can always tell the married fellas from the single ones, can't you?"

The other cashier asks how and she replies, "Watch the next person who walks up."

Just then a man approaches and from his basket produces one tin of beans, one loaf of bread, one pint of mi...

A man walks into a supermarket and goes to the produce section...

He asks the man working the counter for three pounds of potatoes. The worker says, "Mate, we use kilos nowadays."
The man shrugs and says, "Fine, three pounds of kilos, then."

The lady at the wholesale club asked me "Do you want a box for your produce?".

I said, "Sure! I'll fight you for the peaches."

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The dist...

George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio, and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together.

George Clooney says, "I'll direct."

DiCaprio yells, "I'll produce!"

And Matthew McConaughey says, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

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A man is driving home when he spots the most stunningly beautiful redhead trying to hitchhike. He stops next to her, but just as he does an old man jumps out of the bushes and points a shotgun at him...

He points both barrels at the man and yells "Start jerking off!"

"W-WHAT?!" Yells the man

"Start jerking off or I'm taking your head clean off your shoulders!"

The man desperately unzips his pants and begins to masturbate, after a solid hour he pleads for the man to let him go...

I heard about this farmer who was feeding his cows marijuana so they would be happier and produce more offspring.

I can't recommend it because the steaks would be too high.

A frog walks into the bank and asks for a 30000 dollar loan for a holiday

The teller is confused but introduces herself "hi I'm Patricia Whack". The frog says "hi I'm Kermit Jagger, my Dad is Mick Jagger I know the manager it is all good".

Patty explains that he will need some collateral for the loan. Kermit produces a small porcelain elephant, pink, two inches ta...

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What did the squash farmer say to the produce thief at the farmers market?

You butternut steal my squash!

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A guy was driving down a long stretch of country highway, when he approached a fruit stand.

The sign above read, "We have
peaches that taste like anything
and everything, guaranteed!"
The man thought about it, and
decided to stop.
He thought this has to be
bullshit. So he approaches the
old, feeble man behind the
stand and says, "So, you have
peaches that taste l...

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An old one my dad used to tell...

An out of work actor gets a call from his agent one day, and the agents like "good news! I got you a part in a play! It's only one line, but it's the opener and could be your big shot! Okay so the line is..

'Hark, I hear the cannons roar'..
Got that? 'Hark, I hear the cannons roar"

...

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

Two farmers are arguing over their produce.

Farmer 1-"That's my grain!"
Farmer 2-"No that's my grain!"

A third farmer a bit aways walks in

Farmer 3-"I'm getting migraine just listening to you two idiots yell at each other"

A man sits at a bar and produces a small piano along with a 12 inch pianist.

Barman asks how did he come to have such a small pianist in his care?

With an annoyed look the man says "I met a Genie who had a hearing problem".

There once was a scientist who helped produce many fantastic and otherworldly varieties of sodapop.

Sadly, he was only paid a flat rate, as he had no degree in fizzics.

So when Spiderman produces a white sticky substance it's "cool"

Why is it whenever I produce a white sticky substance I'm considered a "massive pervert"?

What does China produce more of?

They produce more Chinese than any other country on earth.

Cows are amazing

Studies show that cows produce more milk when the farmers talk to them.

It's a case of in one ear and out the udder.

Why are farmers always the best husbands?

They always produce the best seeds.

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

A woman encounter a friend she hasn't seen in some years in the produce market.

After some catching up she tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ...

I'd like to work in a factory that produces counter-tops

so I could get paid for being counter-productive.

Seems like nothing is produced in Britain anymore.

Even my new TV was built in Antenna according to the box.

A couple who work in the circus go to an adoption agency.

Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
The couple produce photos of their 50 ft motorhome, which is equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach...

Facebook recently started a produce market dealing exclusively in peppers.

Yet another way they're jalapeño business.

I can produce silver just by sniffing.

Smelt it with my own nose.

**I'll show myself out**

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.

"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags i...

Why do cats have nine lives?

Because God knew that one lifetime was not enough time to produce enough cute cat pics.

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Guy goes up to a produce stock boy and says...

"I want half a head of lettuce. Can you do that for me?" The stock boy says, "Just a minute," and heads off the back room. He finds the produce manager and says, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." Something makes him look back and he sees that the customer has followed him and is st...

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