This happened just this evening at the grocery store...

I was in the produce section, and happened to notice a rather striking looking woman. We smiled and went about our business, but as I was picking out my green onions, I saw a flash of light, and the woman screamed.

When I turned around, her entire right arm was engulfed in flames! Luckily the...

A lawyer, an engineer and an accountant are applying for a job

at the job interview, they each get asked the same simple question, and are told to justify their answer. The question is, "what is two plus two?"

The lawyer takes out his briefcase and produces the 1978 docket wherein the case of Casey vs the State, two plus two was proven to be four.
...

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A man in overalls sits down at a bar

A man in overalls sits down at a bar and orders a glass of champagne. The lady next to him says to him: "not to many people come in here wearing overalls and orders a glass of champagne."



The man says, "I'm a chicken farmer and today I'm celebrating." The lady said "What a coincidenc...

Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Matthew McConaughey have decided to make a movie together!

Ben Affleck says: "I'll produce it!"

Matt Damon says: "I'll direct it!"

Matthew McConaughey says: "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write!"

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After experiencing Nirvana during sex, but before you make The Offspring, what do you produce?

Pearl Jam.

Me: How much to buy a singing ensemble? Producer: You mean a choir?

Me: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

Bad joke incoming

I apologize in advance


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. A super calloused fragile...

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A pessimist and a nihilist walk into a bar.

A pessimist and a nihilist walk into a bar.
The bartender asks them for their drink orders. The pessimist says “Even if you make me your best drink, I’m sure it’ll be disappointing. Go ahead, anything you make is going to be shit.”

The nihilist says, “I’ll have what he’s having but make m...

Patrick's wife Phyllis wanted to help Patrick be less literal minded, so she decided to present him with a scenario. "You're alone in the desert with a lamp that you've rubbed that produced a genie who said he'd grant you three wishes". Patrick didn't even have to think before responding...

"No I'm not".

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Can you write a whole paragraph without the letter A?

I wouldn't recommend it.

Honestly, your sentences willl just sound wrong.
Everyone will notice you're doing something
different. Your writing won't flow smoothly. You'll
use weird words.

It's not worth the effort involved in spending
time online looking up tons of synonym...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
<...

Scientists have discovered a new genus of bees that produce milk instead of honey.

They're called boo-bees

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What do Indian Cows Produce?

Holy shit.

- I just build a machine that produces knives

- Is it any good?

- It's cutting edge technology.

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What is your secret

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex vit you."

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £20 an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's flat, wh...

Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discov...

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Sex and vampires

The reason that sex with a vampire usually doesn't produce any offspring isn't because the sperm is dead, it's because the vampire can't come inside with out an invitation.


Thank you for coming to my HaunTed Talk

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Jack Shitt: This Is His Story

WHEN SOMEONE SAYS TO YOU: "You don't know Jack Shitt"

\[Now you'll know the entire story!\]

**Jack Shitt** is the only son of **O. Shitt** and **Awe Shitt**. O.Shitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Shitt, who later ran *the Kneedeep Inn-Shitt*. Jack Shitt eventually married **Noe...

Your duck is dead.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

What do you call a female cow that can't produce milk?

A miss-steak

(Sorry this probably would do better in dad jokes)

A man was studying to be a filmmaker...

Since he was big live music fan, he started hitting up his favorite local bands and offering to do behind-the-scenes documentary sessions as promotional materials. He got a few bites and after shooting a few small acts, his work really took off, developing a reputation for the way he seemed to disap...

What does China produce more of?

They produce more Chinese than any other country on earth.

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What did the squash farmer say to the produce thief at the farmers market?

You butternut steal my squash!

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On a remote Pacific island, a missionary is trying to teach English to the natives.

He takes a group of the local men on a walk through the jungle, pointing out various items and telling them the English equivalents.
He points to a tree and says "Tree".
The natives all nod and repeat "Tree".
A short time later they come across a large boulder. The missionary says "Rock"....

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A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane...

Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said...

What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk?

An udder failure.

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A convent of Catholic nuns receives a letter saying the Pope himself will be visiting in just a few days

They are all very excited and nervous. Mothers Mary, Agnes, and Isadore take it upon themselves to prepare the convent to receive His Holiness and plan a simple but delicious meal of fresh caught fish from the local lake with herbs and vegetables from their own garden.

Agnes goes to the loca...

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, will you let me drink for free tonight?"

The bartender says, "Let me see and I'll consider it."

So the guy reaches into his bag and pulls out a miniature piano and a hamster. The hamster sits in front of the piano and starts playing. And not just banging out "Chopsticks", the hamster is plays Chopin, some ragtime, and even some rock...

What kind of bees produce milk?

Boo bees

Sneezing girl

I was in my 4th grade glass sitting next to this girl, all of a sudden she produces a loud sneeze.

**ACHOOOOOO**

The whole class was silent, the teacher quietly asked if she needed a tissue

My friend notices a gooey substance dripping from her hand.

*Friend:* **Ewww are t...

There once was a scientist who helped produce many fantastic and otherworldly varieties of sodapop.

Sadly, he was only paid a flat rate, as he had no degree in fizzics.

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God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired, 'Where have you been?'
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, 'Look, Michael. Look what I've made.'
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?'
'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's...

The Schitt Family

Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says " you don't know jack schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schit...

One day, a man decides to make a town.

He walked far and wide, across treacherous land and dangerous grounds, until he found a flat dessert, with rocks pock marking the ground. He decides to settle his town here, and built his first house with some trouble, due to the rocks. He chose to cover the ground with a layer of concrete so it wou...

What movie was produced by Elon Musk?

MadAtGasCar

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A woman goes into a greengrocers to buy some broccoli.

She looks all around the store, but can't see any broccoli anywhere, so she asks the grocer.

He replies, "I'm sorry, but we're out of broccoli today. Perhaps some cauliflower would do instead?"

The lady ponders for a moment. "No, I'm afraid cauliflower won't work. Two heads of broccoli...

Billy was very proud of his new car.

He was driving back home after striking a great deal with the salesman. As he neared the intersection, a grey Toyota crashed into his car at a high speed. He was furious, as he knew he had the right of way. He was about to let loose a barrage of four letter words at the other driver, when a gorge...

A Lobster Walks Into a Bar

He goes up to the bartender and says: "Look, before you can serve me, I need to advise you that I'm a lawyer."

"Blimey... A lobster lawyer? That is impressive," says the bartender.

The Lobster puts his briefcase up on the bar, deftly opens it with his claws, and produces a document tha...

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A man enters a restaurant in a foreign country...

...he doesn't speak the language, but he tries to order breakfast anyway. He makes a slicing motion, then moves his finger like he is spreading butter on a slice of toast. The server understands this and notes it down.

He then clucks like a chicken and pretends to crack and beat an egg. The s...

Four guys are driving on a long road trip. It's the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere.

The guy from Idaho takes out a sack of potatoes and starts throwing them out the window one by one.

"What the hell are you doing?", someone asks. "Look, we've got so many potatoes in Idaho. I mean, we're overflowing with them. So whenever I travel I'm supposed to get rid of as many as I can....

A doctor is operating on a patient.

He says to his assistant: “Helium please” so the assistant wheels over a tank of helium.
The doctor proceeds to put a mask on the patient so he can inhale the gas, but the patient doesn’t respond to the treatment.

The doctor turns to his assistant again. “Curium please”. And the assistant...

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agre...

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What do you call a producer with a bad attitude?

Moby Dick

An anti-joke I wrote

3 nuns, a rabbi, a soldier, 4 orphans, 2 blind men, 6 white guys, a Jew, 4 Koreans, a Canadian, 2 Italians, 6 prison guards, 5 blondes, 3 polish women, 4 atheists, a doctor, 7 grad students, 2 firemen, 3 birthday clowns, a police officer, 9 soccer moms, 2 soccer dads, a biologist, a chemist, 3 physi...

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A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.
After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.
"Well, sister,...

A Make-a-Wish child wanted to know, if his favorite TV show was staged or real. The producers told him that he will need to wait for a little longer.

Now he's dying to know the truth.

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

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Shopping

A woman is shopping in the produce department. She approaches the clerk. Excuse me, but where is the broccoli? She asks. He says, sorry, we are out of broccoli. Come back tomorrow. The woman continues shopping, but approaches the clerk again a few minutes later. I need broccoli. Where is it? Ma’am, ...

Horse, Chicken, Cow

So there is this horse, he is watching TV and sees this really awesome band. He really zeroes in on the lead guitarist. He wants to learn so bad. So he calls the local music instructor and asks if he can teach him to play the guitar. So after a few months, the horse plays exactly like his favori...

How does old McDonald sell his produce and livestock?

He puts an ad ad here, an ad ad there, an ad ad everywhere!

What's the difference between my garden and Valve?

One is full of vegetables that, despite the talent put into cultivating them, haven't produced anything of worth in the past five plus years.

The other is in my backyard.

Misunderstood JT

In the early 2000s Justin Timberlake did a tour in Eastern Europe and had a stop in southern Ukraine.

After playing a show in Sevastopol he had some down time so he travelled the countryside, and was amazed by the stunning beauty of the peninsula's nature and wildlife. He backpacked through ...

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

The Queer eye producers want to to run a spinoff show with the singer P!nk

But pink eye for the straight guy never really took off

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So which sexual position produces the ugliest baby?

I don’t know! Go ask your fucking mother!

A man sits at a bar and produces a small piano along with a 12 inch pianist.

Barman asks how did he come to have such a small pianist in his care?

With an annoyed look the man says "I met a Genie who had a hearing problem".

Why can't French vineyards produce a good Port or Sherry?

Because the French don't know how to fortify *anything*!

I had to create a report on how wind energy is produced

It was a breeze

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands"

"The prosecutor says she can produce five witnesses who saw you running from the bank with money bags in your hands" a defense lawyer confided in his client.

"That's nothing," the client replied, ""I can produce five hundred witnesses who didn't see me running from the bank with money bags i...

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage, but the man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "And this gentleman kindly offe...

What do you call a factory that produces OK products?

Satisfactory

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A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.

It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man...

Facebook recently started a produce market dealing exclusively in peppers.

Yet another way they're jalapeño business.

The producers of Pimp My Ride were on trial...

Included in the evidence was a photo from the set. Exhibit A: Xzbit's Exhibit.

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A boob, vagina and asshole are having a debate on who is the greatest among all of them. Boob: I produce milk; Vagina: I produce babies;

why are you still reading? It is your turn to speak.

Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers,

your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.

Why was frosty in the produce aisle?

Picking his nose.

Music producers are basically like a pizza business.

They both make dough from mixers.

Studies show cows produce more milk when the Farmer talks to them

It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder

I heard about this farmer who was feeding his cows marijuana so they would be happier and produce more offspring.

I can't recommend it because the steaks would be too high.

So The Beatles and their producer, George Martin, were in the studio......

Paul: Any ideas on how to end Hey Jude?

John: Nah

George: Nah

Ringo: Nah

George Martin: Nah

Paul: Perfect!

You probably know how most cheese is produced, and the steps taken to make the different varieties of cheese,

but did you know Edam is made backwards?

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The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out.

All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.

A woman encounter a friend she hasn't seen in some years in the produce market.

After some catching up she tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ...

I'm an aspiring music producer. The other day, I got recognized as I was driving around.

They said "Hey, aren't you our door dash driver?!" I gave them their food and drove away.

I'd like to work in a factory that produces counter-tops

so I could get paid for being counter-productive.

I had expected that being asked to produce shoes for the Vatican would improve business at my Dublin shoe shop...

...but we've had nothing but trouble since changing our sign to say COBBLERS TO THE POPE

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What type of bee produces milk?

A boobie.

TIL Most of the world's coco is produced in Africa.

This is because of part of the continent's tropical savanna climate, particularly its precipitation. I love chocolate, so I'm really grateful for this.

Next time I eat a candy bar, I'll have to bless the rains down in Africa.

So when Spiderman produces a white sticky substance it's "cool"

Why is it whenever I produce a white sticky substance I'm considered a "massive pervert"?

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he...

I am starting a company to produce and sell Marijuana infused meat.

Our motto is "A pot in every chicken."

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A grocer is arranging vegetables in the produce section of his store..

When a woman taps him on the shoulder to say "Excuse me, sir, but where would I find some broccoli?" The man replies "Ma'am, I'm sorry but we just ran out of broccoli. The woman nods and leaves the man to arrange the vegetables.

A few minutes later, the same woman taps the grocer on the shou...

My teacher told me a current carrying conductor produces a magmetic field. I disagreed.

Teacher said, "I am the teacher."

I said, "I don't give a flux."

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A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.

We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.

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A man is working in the produce section of a grocery store when an elderly woman approaches him...

“Excuse me, young man. Where is the broccoli?” The man says, “Sorry ma’am, but we just ran out. Please come back tomorrow and we should have some more.”
A bit confused, the old woman walks away.

A few minutes later, the same woman approaches the man again.
“Pardon me, I don’t see the ...

Mike Tyson is playing Jeopardy and the clue is "The part of a flower's stamen where pollen is produced".

He's the first to buzz in. Alex Trebek calls on him:

Alex: "Mike?"

Mike: "What is the answer?"

Alex: "You can't ask me, Mike. You have to give me the answer."

Mike: "I am! What is the answer?"

Alex: "You have to give *us* the answer to the clue, Mike, we can't tell...

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What state produces the most mumble rappers?

Virgin-yuh.

Two human can multiply to produce more humans by mating. But two imaginary human can't multiply to produce more imaginary humans.

The resulting human will be negative.

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What types of birds produce the best milk?

Tits.

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A horse at a barn sees a music video...

...and decides he wants to play the guitar so he calls a local music shop: "Hey, I'm a horse but I want to play the guitar. Do you think you can help me?" Shop owner replies: "Sure, come on over, we'll get you a guitar and teach you how to play it." So the horse spends weeks and weeks learning how t...

I went to my doctors and he asked me to provide a stool sample. So I enrolled in a basic wood working course.

He did look really concerned, when I told him it might take me a couple of months to produce.

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