UPJOKE
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Interviewer: How much amount of milk does your cow produce?

Farmer: which one, black one or white one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer: And the white one?

Farmer: 2 litres per day.

Interviewer : Where do they sleep?

Farmer: The Black one or the. White one?

Interviewer: The black on...

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After years of getting nothing from my garden, I finally got my dildo patch to produce!

But now I have a problem with squatters.

Never buy produce from twins...

They always come in pairs.

Why did the producer of Dirty Jobs get fired?

He was a Mike Rowe manager.

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A man in New York walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sell whole heads of cabbage. 

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b\*\*\*\*\* outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."...

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A boob, vagina and asshole are debating who is the greatest of the three.

Boob: I produce milk for babies and I am attractive to the opposite sex.

Vagina: That's nothing, I give birth to babies and can accommodate the opposite sex.

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I had to create a report on how wind energy is produced

It was a breeze.

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

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What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?

relative humidity.

The producer to his wife, an actress:

Producer: "Darling, will you marry again if I die?"
Wife: "I assume so, dear."
Producer: "Would you sleep in the same bed with him?"
Wife: "Yes, he would be my husband after all.”
Producer: "Would you give him my golf clubs too?"
Wife: "No, he's left-handed."

How do you call the greatest milk ever produced?

Legendairy

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Did you know the average blue whale has a 6 foot long penis and can produce more than 20 pounds of semen?

Turns out KFC isn’t the only animal that comes in buckets.

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A horse...

... sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ...

new milk cow

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.



The people did some research and found that they could travel and buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal,

they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.

...

Ever since I became the new produce inspector I've been visiting local grocers and supermarkets; but they're always surprised to see me.

It seems nobody expects the spinach inquisition

People are a lot like Vegetables. Sometimes when you're buying produce you see some that are bruised, dented, misshapen..

Not all of them are perfect on the outside, what really matters is that they're really all the same on the inside and every one is equally edible.

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

What do you call a cow that can’t produce milk?

An udder failure.

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what kind of bee that produce milk

Boobees

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previou...

Studies show that cows produce more milk...

when the farmer talks to them.

It's a case of "in one ear, and out the udder".

I work in a toy factory where dracula dolls are produced...

I only have one colleague at the production line so I have to make every second count.

A frog walks into a bank

... and approaches the teller. He can see from her name tag that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti stares at the talking frog in disbelief but recovers herself quickly and asks him how much he wants to bo...

What career are people who produce antimatter in?

Reverse engineering.

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

Thanksgiving An old couple had been married for 50 years. Every morning (without fail) the man produced a massive fart when he got out of bed and then laughed like a madman.

Also every morning, his wife would admonish him: "One of these days you're going to fart your guts out."

It's Thanksgiving morning. The old man is sleeping in and the old lady is in the initial steps of preparing the turkey. While she has a handful of turkey innards, she gets an idea:

...

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A Danish man entered the international cow milking competition

The man was considered a legend in Denmark and it was said that he could get any cow to produce 20 litres of milk at a time. The people of his country, including his wife and children, were sure that the Danish man would win the competition.

The American first went up on stage — the crowd ch...

Steve sees an ad for hiring a music producer.

The ad reads: "MUSIC PRODUCER WANTED! Must be able to play piano, type 40 words a minute, and be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer!" So he decides to go apply for the job.

The hiring manager is pleased with his resume but says, "Well your resume looks good, but I have to admit S...

Why did the farmer decide to become a DJ after a failed produce?

Because he had a ton of sick beets

One 23rd of December, Santa's doorbell rings.

He opens the door and there is a little man there in a blue uniform with a peaked cap. "Evening!" he says, "...or whatever time it is up here. Hopkins, Civil Aviation Authority. It's time for your checkride".

Santa begs his pardon politely and Hopkins digs through the satchel he is carrying a...

I had to quit my job as a produce clerk.

The didn't pay me a good celery.

I tried raising cows, but they didn’t produce any milk.

Needless to say, my venture was an udder failure.

Good news, I'm finally going to get something I wrote produced for the stage.

I've lined up some great people to perform in it. The producer read the script, titled "I Pun, Therefore I Am,” and asked me if it was a musical.

Sadly, I told him no. It's just a play on words.

I made this up just now.

This young actor walks into an interview with a producer and they’re going back and forth. It comes to talking about pay and the inproducer offers him a low amount

The actor says “dude I have lots of people looking for me right now why don’t you make me a better offer

The producer says...

Did you know there is a wide variety in men’s ability to produce sperm?

In fact, there’s a vas deferens.

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A Hollywood producer needs a farm animal...

One day, a farmer was tending to his crops when a Hollywood producer turned up.

"How can I help you?" asked the farmer

"I'm shooting a film nearby and we need an animal for the main action scene, I heard there was a farm here and came to check it out" the producer replied

Excit...

Steel producers are grappling with the high price of iron...

...they say it's a terrible ore deal.

(An ore-ful joke, I know.)

I got kicked out of a grocery store for inappropriate behavior in the produce section.

All I did was take a leek.

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Aliens invade earth

A flying saucer comes down one day. A group of heavily armed, green-skinned extraterrestrials disembark carrying enormous weapons.

One opens his mouth and announces "Greetings Earthlings! You have 72 hours to bring us your world leader! If he finds favor in our eyes, you will be spared. If ...

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M's are protesting?

They start painting the m letters upside-down.

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M's are protesting really hard?

They paint the m letters on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.

I apologize in advance

There was this guy named Barley Chown who produced knockoffs of famous designer brands, and was always trying to sell them in major retail stores. The head of purchasing at one store was named Sue Lee, and her policy was to never buy knockoffs as they competed with the more profitable designer bran...

Vladimir Putin, surrounded by his aides and bodyguards.....

visits a modern art exhibition. "What the hell is this green circle with yellow spots all over?" he asked. His aide answered, "This painting, president Putin, depicts our heroic peasants fighting for the fulfillment of the plan to produce two hundred million tons of grain."

"Ah-h… And what i...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck...

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A car in central London was weaving all over the road one night.

A patrol car spotted him and pulled him over. The officer approached the car and said, “Sir, get out of the car, I need you to blow into this breathalyser.”

The driver reached into his pocket and produced a doctor’s note. It read: “This man suffers from chronic asthma. Do not make him perform...

Which fast food produces the most radiation?

>!Fission chips. !<

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The hunting license

A hunter went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hunters.

The game warden ordered to the hunter to show his hunting license, a...

According to Wikipedia, the open-source online encyclopedia, India is the world’s largest producer of spices.

But then again, you should always take stats from the internet with a pinch of salt.

Die Hard producers just announced filming’s started on the 6th installment of Bruce Willis’ popular action franchise.

It’ll be called Get Hard or Die Trying

When Cleopatra is aroused, she produces pharaoh-moans.

Unless it’s that time of the month that she’s on her pyramid.

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The patient goes to see a doctor: “I am pooping like noodles!”

“Like literally, my poop is shaped like noodles,” the patient says as he sits down in the consulting room.

Doc is dumbfounded. In all his years of training and practice, he hasn’t encountered a symptom like this. He thinks hard and prescribes some antibiotics, hoping they will solve the probl...

This joke is a little crude, but...

In the early 1700s, two upper-class British gentlemen are celebrating Christmas together and giving each other gifts. The first man gives the second a fine golden pocket watch with impeccable craftmanship, a pristine and delicate item for only the wealthy. When it comes time for the second gentleman...

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After experiencing Nirvana during sex, but before you make The Offspring, what do you produce?

Pearl Jam.

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

I got some produce on my way home today.

It was a very fruitful walk.

——-




This is an original!

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The emperor of Persia wanted the best bodyguard in the world.

So he sent messengers throughout all the lands on the globe encouraging the nations to send their best warriors to come to his palace and compete for this prestigious title. After weeks of intense competition, the candidate pool was reduced to the last three competitors. Each had earned the honor o...

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Probably been here before, but I heard this one at summer camp

The old man who lives in the tall bell tower needed someone to help him with ringing the bell, as he was getting too old.

The first person who arrived was like the old man and was not strong enough to produce a loud sound with the bell.

The second person who showed up was a boy who had...

People say starting your own business is difficult,

but I met a lady starting her own clothing company whose signature piece was produced in a completely automated factory. She made it seamstress free.

Circus adoption

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nurse...

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Barnyard Blues

There’s this horse in a barn and he’s watching TV and he sees a rock band playing music so he calls up a music teacher “Hey, I wanna learn to play guitar, there’s only 1 problem I’m a horse” music teacher says “no problem I can teach anyone anything” 2 months go by and horse is shredding it on the g...

Why did the snowman get kick out the produce Department

Because he was picking his nose

A woman brought her hamster to the vet

A women brought her hamster to the vet. The vet takes a look and concludes the hamster died.

The woman doesn't believe it and request further investigation. So the vet lets in a Labrador. The dog sniffs around the hamster and shortly after he produces a sad whine, shakes his had and leaves th...

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A pharmaceutical company began clinical trials for a new sedative.

The goal was to develop a non-prescription drug that provided perfectly smooth, calming relaxation with just one pill. On the first day of trials, the lab assistant realized they had forgotten to pick up the sugar pills that were needed for the placebo. The lead researcher was furious! Most stores i...

It is said that a million monkeys at a million keyboards could produce the complete works of Shakespeare

Today, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true

Why did Ohio produce 20 astronauts?

Because it’s so boring, the inhabitants want to leave the planet

Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. “So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?” The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying. “Um ... 22.” The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And ...

Never thought Netflix would produce an award-winning series watched by tens of millions around the world. But hey...

Stranger Things have happened.

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which caused him to be rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a:

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

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An upcoming director, Tim, is having dinner with two prestigious producers in a fancy restaurant.

The director sees Frank Sinatra in the distance walking into the men's bathroom. The director excuses himself and goes in after him.

As Frank pees in one of the urinals the director approaches him and says, “Mr Sinatra, I'm sorry to bother you, but there are two producers I'm trying to impre...

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An XM station was looking for a sportscaster...

An XM sports station was looking for a new sportscaster for play-by-play commentary for football games. The producer had two possible candidates lined up, and he brought them to meet the station manager.

The station manager was impressed by the first young man. He was bright, well-spoken, dre...

A lot of people don’t know that Lisa Kudrow has a bachelor's degree in Biology

She was visiting an old school friend who was doing a research project on the genetics of rats and they were showing her their breeding pairs. “This is the Mama Rat A who has a gene sequence that makes her produce more young, and with her is the Papa Rat A who has a trait that causes him to sire un...

The Spirit

A preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning. It seems that this man was a producer of fine peach brandy, and told the preacher that he would attend his church if the pastor would drink some of his brandy and admit doing so in front of his congr...

What do you call a female cow that can't produce milk?

A miss-steak

(Sorry this probably would do better in dad jokes)

Meatloaf has produced 3 really great songs but of them, I can only recognise Bat out of Hell and Heaven can wait.

Well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad

Joke for economics nerds

A physicist and an economist are invited to a classroom to make a presentation to get the children interested in their field of study. The physicist goes first.

He produces a ball and announces, “I will time this ball falling to the ground and, without looking at the stopwatch, tell you how l...

A bull walked up to a cow and boasted that even without an udder he could produce more milk than her.

"How dairy! ? ", thought the cow.

I heard about this farmer who was feeding his cows marijuana so they would be happier and produce more offspring.

I can't recommend it because the steaks would be too high.

Scientists have discovered a new genus of bees that produce milk instead of honey.

They're called boo-bees

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The director of one of America's finest hospitals is showing the President around the hospital.

In one room, the President sees a male patient masturbating furiously. "What's that guy doing?" he asks.

"He has a very rare condition," responds the director. "He produces semen way too quickly. If he doesn't masturbate at least thrice a day, his testicles will explode."

In the next r...

I can produce silver just by sniffing.

Smelt it with my own nose.

**I'll show myself out**

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Guy goes up to a produce stock boy and says...

"I want half a head of lettuce. Can you do that for me?" The stock boy says, "Just a minute," and heads off the back room. He finds the produce manager and says, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." Something makes him look back and he sees that the customer has followed him and is st...

Three guys making a movie

Christopher Nolan: I'll produce

Leonardo Dicaprio: I'll act

Matthew McConaughey: I'll write I'll write I'll write

What kind of bees produce milk?

Boo bees.

(Not mine, my friend told me this joke but he doesn’t have Reddit.)

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A Covid-19 study produced some startling results.

Data was conducted from a
Sex@COVID online survey in Italy
from April 7 to May 4, 2020. In it
were 6,821 participants 18 or older
(4177 women, 2,644 men), and
results from it show that erectile
dysfunction was significantly higher
among men than among women.

I was browsing thru the Produce aisle

"Are these carrots genetically modified?"

Clerk: No. Why do you ask?

Carrot: Yeah... Why do you ask?

A horse in a barn was listening to some rock and roll on the radio...

And he was inspired. The guitarist was masterful, and the horse knew, then and there, that he needed to play guitar. More than anything he'd ever needed before.

So he calls up his buddy, who is a guitar teacher, and asks his buddy to help him learn guitar. The horse takes to it quickly and p...

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A man, shopping in the produce aisle, is approached by a friendly woman.

“Good morning, I believe you’re the father of one of my kids” the woman says to him in a brief and polite manner.

The man is instantly overwhelmed by angst and uncertainty once he registers this statement.

“Are you... by any chance the stripper I made love to on the pool table at my ba...

What do you call a factory that produces OK products?

Satisfactory

Company Heinz announces plans to produce PPE

There is still global shortages. They will be playing Ketchup.

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