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Youth Jokes

Why do Jewish men get circumcised as youth.

Jewish women won't touch anything that's not at least 10% off.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

In your 20s, a woman looks at you because of your youth and vitality.

In your 30s, a woman looks at you because of your poise and sophistication.

In your 40s, a woman looks at you because of your maturity and wisdom.

...At my age, when a woman looks at me, I check that I put my trousers on the right way round.

I am disgusted by the youth of today....

Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of abuse I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like “PEADO” “NONCE” “KIDDY FIDDLER”

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary...

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Walls of youth

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father took an outing to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father responded, 'S...

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blond woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that ...

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

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A callow youth walks into a talent scout’s office…

…gingerly cradling a cardboard box with some small holes poked in two sides.

After sitting nervously among a four-foot-tall sword swallower, a violinist with six-fingers on each hand, and a sexy contortionist named LuLu LaFrance who whispered something in his ear that turned him beet red, the...

Man arrested for selling eternal youth pills.

News has just come in about a man in the Dublin area has been arrested for selling pills that he claimed would give eternal youth.

Police records have shown that it is the fourth time this man has been arrested. The earlier arrests were made in 1799, 1852 and 1921.

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My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

Ponce de Leon began his journey to find the Fountain Of Youth

"But captain," a crewmate said. "Are you sure the fountain even exists?"

"Hmm," Ponce pondered. "Maybe you're right. Maybe this trip would be a waste of time."

"So, are we going back?" The crewmate asked.

"No, we're not going home empty handed," Ponce replied.

"So, wha...

Hip-hop is now 50 years old. Do you know what this means?

It means hip-hop is now old enough to complain about today’s youth being corrupted by hip-hop.

I've been looking for the Fountain of Youth, but it's been unsuccessful.

I haven't come across a solid lead in my 547 years of searching.

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Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)

One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".

"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The old feller shakes his head ...

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An interview with an old man .

An 80 years old man had an interview with the local TV channel and they told him : old man can you tell us about a happy memory from your youth ?

Old man : one time my donkey got lost and all the village went out to search for and when we found it we were so happy we all fucked it .

J...

in the 1980s they blamed heavy metal music for violent youth.

Now it's 2022 and their still blaming the doors.

Youth Slang

Kids are always coming up with the strangest slang. Remember "on fleek" or when "dank" stopped meaning dingy?

I was working as a counselor at a summer camp one year. The kids came up with a new one and proceeded to absolutely run it into the ground. One day in the cafeteria, one of the ner...

Drank from the Fountain of Youth...

Broke out in acne.

How does a man keep his youth?

By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

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I’ve been trying to recapture my youth.

Should really get that basement door fixed.

Studies have shown that American youth has already started using the metric system

Nowadays you can even find students from various schools in America using 9mm

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I'm really looking to re-capture my lost youth...

...my basement door doesn't lock properly

My son lost a youth baseball game because of heavy rain...

...he received a precipitation trophy

So after Sonic Youth broke up Thurston Moore was asked did he have any regrets when it came to the band

And he said “Yeah, 100%”

Dear Audrey Advice.....

My son is a strapping 265lb star linebacker at our local university and a leader in our church youth group. We couldn't be more proud of him! However....I returned from grocery shopping today and found him prancing around the house in one of my dresses. What should I do??!
Sincerely,
Confused ...

A young man finds the perfect girl from his small village for marriage

He asks his father for his blessings, but the father tells him that he was screwing around in his youth, and that the girl he wants to marry is in fact his sister.

The young man devastated but still wanting to get married suggests his next door neighbor's daughter. The father tells him with ...

How will the youth of the future mock the COVID-19 generation?

OK Zoomer!

I reckon I could have won something at the youth olympics

If it wasn't for all those medalling kids

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I'm thinking of starting a youth foundation...

I mean I've already got like 30 kids buried in my basement.

I made this up on the spot and I'm really proud of it.

This isn't the best joke, but I'm really proud of how it came out. My sister and I are both in town visiting our parents for the first time in years. I keep dropping bad puns and my sister keeps yelling at me.

Tonight, we were telling stories from our youth, and I told her this one. She was r...

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed...

I'm forever trying to recapture my youth.

I need better handcuffs as she keeps running away!

Why are Muslim youth the best at dealing with pandemics?

Because as a Quran-Teen, you always keep Allah by your self.

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How can priests help troubled youth?

They give a holy fuck

I want to start a organization that supports struggling youths throughout Asia

I wanna call it "Youth'N'Asia!"

Why didn't the Muslim youth get the coronavirus?

Because he was a Quran Teen.

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A long-haired youth was hitchhiking...

A long-haired youth was hitchhiking through the deep South. He got a ride from a mean looking redneck trucker. After riding about 30 miles in silence, the youth finally said, "Well, aren't you going to ask me? "

"Ask you what?" Replied the trucker. "If I'm a boy or a girl." Answered the youth...

A good metaphor for today's youth is the book Peter Pan...

Kids sneak out. Get high on dust together. Beat up handicapped man, and steal his boat.

My grandfather said youth can't live without technology these days

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support

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The youth of today

A little old man is sitting on a park bench one hot, summer afternoon when a young lad (around 15 years old) walks up and sits down to the old man. The young lad then opened a can of lager and lit up a cigerette, the old man was clearly disgusted with this and said "That stuff will kill you, you've...

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Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

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For a wedding gift a guy decides to tattoo his wife's name on his penis.

When erect it proudly reads "Wendy" on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows "Wy". While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a "Wy" on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy. The guy re...

A bunch of youths pull up next to Lewis Hamilton at set of traffic lights

One of them rolls his window down, and Lewis winds his down too

'Oi mate!' says the lad 'Race?'

'Afro-Caribbean' says Lewis, smirking. And speeds off

Today's youth are getting worse..

Today's youth are getting worse. I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle

BDSM is supposedly a hit with the youth

But it's just something I'd rather not get tied up in

Once upon a time there were two youths in love

Once upon a time there were two youths in love. They met in grade school and instantly knew that they would be married and be with each other forever. Their families became close friends and as they grew older it became more and more obvious to everyone that they were destined to be together.
...

My father was a kamikaze pilot in his youth

Not a very successful one, obviously.

A prist, a minister and a youth pastor are standing by the side of a road, holding up a sign.

The sign reads "The End Is Near! Turn Back Before It's Too Late!"

Well, along comes a redneck, driving a jacked-up pickup truck and swiggin' a Coors Lite.

He screeches to a halt before the three men of the cloth, surveys their sign for a moment, and bursts into uncontrollable guffaws....

A priest and a rabbi, old friends, are talking about their youthful indiscretions.

So the priest says, "tell me, have you ever tasted pork?"

The rabbi, slightly ashamed, admits: "Yes, once when I was young..."

After a thoughtful pause, the rabbi asks the priest, "tell me, have you ever made love to a woman?"

Sheepishly, the priest admits: "Yes, once when I was...

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Why is hip hop popular among urban youth?

because it's the only time a black man can tell a crowd of white people to put their hands in the air.

Inner city youths

After seeing a documentary on how inner city youths can remove the wheels of a car in under 4 seconds with no specialist equipment, the Mc Laren team decided to fire their pit crew and hire four of the inner city youths as most races could be won or lost in the pits.
the first race came along and...

If you sat with your hands in the fountain of youth,

would your hands get wrinkly?

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I am disgusted by the youth of today.

They taste like shit.

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A priest, a rabbi and a minister are on an airplane with an interfaith youth group

The plane starts to go down, and they find there are only three parachutes.


"We'll take them and jump," says the minister.
"But the children," cries the rabbi, "we have to save the children!"


The minister snaps, "fuck the children!"


The priest glances back at the ...

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Why did Hitler pursue carpentry in his youth?

Because he wanted to be a fascia-ist.

Garbage can

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came dow...

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I am shocked at how many youth today do anal bleaching

I am always hearing them talk about changing their ring tone.

My son is playing hockey for the youth Nashville team.

GO CHILD PREDATORS!!!

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

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What's the Hitler Youth's favorite weather?

Heil

Wandering through the hot desert, a youthful looking man comes upon a tent. Intrigued, he ventures inside...

...there before him lies a table with three upright cups. Behind the table, grinning ear to ear, is the proprietor.

“Welcome! Welcome!”, the proprietor says. “Care to play? Only five shekels. Keep track of which cup has the bean under it and win double.”

Unmoved, the man replies, “Cert...

My Local Youth Centre Wanted a Donation Towards Their Pool

i gave them a bucket of water

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

So a clothes designer drank from the Fountain of Youth...

Now she's Forever 21.

Religious gardening rising in popularity with today's youth.

Parents around the nation are alarmed at their teens obsession with Sects and Violets.

Do you know why today's youth is so odd?

Because they can't even

There is a teenage kitchen basin at your front door selling water from the fountain of youth

Let that sink in

A group of youths are smoking outside my house. It's a bit intimidating. Perhaps I'll call the police.

Or just move my cardboard box to somewhere else.

At a party, an old lady was complaining about the behaviour of the youth of today.

'Look at the girl over there.' She complained, 'I don't know what young girls are coming to! She is wearing boys jeans, a boys shirt, and that hair cut is so boyish - you wouldn't know if she was a girl at all, would you?'.

'Well, as it happens I would', came the reply, 'because she is my da...

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Police: Viagra on the Rise as Recreational Drug Amongst Urban Youth

The Boys in the Hood are always hard.

So I saw a group of youths (6 in total) starting a fight with a ginger lad

He did some sort of MMA combination and knock ever one of them out, turns out he was the carroty kid.

Did you hear about the hipster youth pastor creating a new Christian sect combining elements of Protestant and Baptist beliefs?

He's a Pabst-ist.

Edited to help /u/visualshocker get the joke

We told the youth at our church that every time they curse they have to do 10 push-ups

So our church is a gym now

What did the white collar executive say to the low-income disenfranchised youth?

Nothing. Social dichotomy prevents the establishment of dialogue.

At the Glasgow Sheriff's Court, the Sheriff is becoming annoyed at the conduct of a scruffy youth in the spectators' gallery

who is leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets and noisily chewing gum with his mouth half open. Eventually the Sheriff can bear it no more and signals for the bailiff, and says to him "Would ye tell yon young man to stop masticatin' in ma coort?". Whereupon the bailiff trots up to th...

The youth of today don't know how to make those 90s rainbow tie-dye t-shirts...

..I guess it's a dying art.

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My mate and I were walking along when we noticed a gang of bat carrying youths in our way. He said "Quick! Pretend we're the police."

I sang 'Every breath you take' But we still got the shit kicked out of us.

Some say youth is wasted on the young, I say wealth is wasted on the old.

Also Oxycontin.

A married's man prayer

Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away.

You gave me youth and you took it away.

You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now, just reminding you.

I saw a bunch of youths hitting an old lady.

I stopped my car, wound down my window and yelled, "Excuse me, that's my mother-in-law."

"And what?" they replied.

"And she's still moving."

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An elderly Rabbi and an elderly Priest are good friends in the retirement home.

One day the priest asks, "So tell me, Benjamin, be honest now, have you ever had bacon?" The old rabbi sighs and leans back, "Ashamedly yes. One day, In my youth, I gave into temptation and had bacon wrapped shrimp with cheese sauce....Now tell me Sean, be honest now, have you ever had sex?" The old...

My friend said that China might be considering assisted suicide for teenagers

He's probably wrong, but if he's right, that would mark the beginning of euthanasia of youth in Asia.

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A man breaks his leg, and is going to miss a lot of work.

He and his wife are desperately trying to figure out how they'll pay his medical bills, not to mention their mortgage and car payments which are going to be due soon.

Finally, the man hesitantly says "Listen, honey, you know I love you, but we're desperate, here. I can only think of one way w...

Park or?

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. They decided to recreate their first date and go to the same restaurant they went to when they were young. They ordered the same food, drank the same wine, and reminisced about their past. After the meal, the husband said to his wife,...

Every day I go down to the harbour and throw fish to a baby dolphin. My friends say it's a waste of time.

But at least I'm serving a youthful porpoise.

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A priest is on his way to visit a sick parishioner....

He comes upon a small boy squishing ants with his thumb. Each time he squishes one, outloud he says "Fuckin' ants".

The priest tells him he's going to visit someone and on his way back while he's gone he wants the youth to think of three things God put on earth which are of no use.

On...

I was reading a research paper on why there's such a high child mortality rate in China.

Apparently it's something to do with the youth in Asia.

The other day I was travelling down one of those spiral type car parks. As I set off, on the top floor, I spotted someone smashing a car window and attempting to steal the radio. On the 2nd floor I saw a youth key right down the side of another car.

On the bottom floor, I saw a couple throw a load of rubbish out of their car window....I couldn't believe my eyes.


It was just wrong on so many levels!

A lady of advanced age required the services of a page-boy ...

... and advertised: "Youth wanted."

One of her dearest friends sent her by the next post a bottle of Blank's celebrated wrinkle filler, a skin tightener, a pot of fairy bloom, a set of false teeth, and a flaxen wig.



Source: "Empress Express" Newspaper, June 20, 1913, Empress, A...

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An elderly man suspects that his wife may be losing her hearing

He knows his wife doesn't want to accept the fact that she is getting older and isn't as youthful as she used to be. So he goes to the doctor himself to ask if anything can be done about it.

Man: Doc, I think my wife may be losing her hearing. Is there anything I can do for her?

Docto...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

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A young man walks into a bar, asks the barman to pour him three shots of whisky.

The barman pours them, the youth drinks all three straight down.

“Whoa” says the barman, “are you celebrating something?”

The guy smiles at the barman, “Yeah, my first blowjob”.

“Well”, the barman says, “in that case, have another one on me”.

“Thanks”, replies the youth,...

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A sad story...

A radio reporter decides that he would like to introduce how people lived before to his younger audience, so he goes to a remote village and seeks out the older living person there. After explaining his intentions he starts with the interview.
- Sir, I would like to ask you to tell me a happy st...

His wife minored in psychology in school.

She was always trying to use her tiresome amateur psychology on him. When he wanted to fire their pool boy, she said, "Well, you're clearly threatened by his youth and attractiveness, and this gives you intimations of your own mortality which you are sublimating into a hostile and inappropriate resp...

What the difference between Vladimir Putin and Vlad the impaler (AKA Dracula)?

One sucks the blood of innocents and possesses eternal youth, the other is Dracula.

A rabbi & a Catholic priest met at an interfaith conference

They decided to take a break for lunch together. While reading the menu, the priest asked a question.

"From what I know of your people Rabbi, you are not supposed to eat pork. Have you ever actually tried it?"

"Well, yes" said the rabbi "A couple of times. Now tell ME, Father- I've he...

I grew up in a rough part of town...

The local youths used to cover me in chocolate and cream, then put a cherry on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.

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I'm making a documentary...

I'm making a controversial documentary that reveals decades of covered-up sexual misconduct in youth tennis programs across the country. It's called *15 - Love*.

Xavier the Saviour

Back when I was a kid, I was part of a youth group at my local catholic church. There, I got to know the most well-revered and eccentric man in the entire community, Father Xavier.


He was never one for formalities, so he insisted everyone in his youth group call him by whatever endearing ...

THREE ROSES

A mother of five decides to get plastic surgery on her privates so her husband can enjoy the snugness she had in her youth. So, she heads off to the doctor for the procedure. Once the procedure is done, she wakes up to find three roses on her bed, and asks the nurse who sent them. The nurse says, "T...

Medieval Yo Mama joke

Saw this joke today, it’s from the 1400’s

A young Florentine was going down to River Arno with one of
those nets in which they wash wool, and met a frolicsome boy,
who, out of fun, asked him what birds he was going to catch with
that net of his? "I am going to the Brothel's outlet,"...

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Kids Banging on Bins

Everyday this old gentleman would be waken by some local kids banging on some trash bins in the alley outside his house and yelling.

One day the old gentleman went out and said "I really love your youthful energy and joy you bring here - I am so entertained by you all! here, let me pay you e...

The Pizza Delivery Guy

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing ...

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

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A blind and elderly German man is on a train.

When the train approaches the station of his destination, he gets up from his seat, tries to make for the door, but almost walks into a pole.

Another passenger yells," Careful, there's a pole in front of you!"

The old man breathes in, stands tall with all the vitality of his youth, a...

A man walks into a bar and asks for a job.

The owner asks him “What makes you think you’re qualified for a job here?”

The man replies: “Sir, when my father was young he killed a man named Bartholomew. His father, in his youth, also killed a man named Bartholomew. His father did the same, and his father, and his father, all the way to ...

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