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Former Jokes

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The sex position formerly known as 69 is now called 96.

Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has gone up.

Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

“What brings you before the grea...

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.

“My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the Labrador.

*“I can’t. I'm not allowed on the couch.”*

Not only is King Charles formerly known as Prince...

He also spent about 9 months in Queen.

What do you call a car dealership owned by a former coroner?

Rigor Motors

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The former kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.


"You need to use \`big people' words," she'd always remind them.


She then asked Wendy what she had done over the weekend.


"I went to visit my Nana."


"No, you went to v...

COVID-19 is not a joke and should be taken seriously

A former patient was so brain damaged afterwards that he wrongly believed he'd won an election that he actually lost by 7 million votes.

BREAKING: Jeff Dahmer's former landlord arrested.

He used to charge an arm and a leg for rent.

Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn’t know what group to join...

She’s still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former

During a church's 100th anniversary celebration, the local priest invited former priests and the bishop to attend.

At one point, he called the children to gather at the altar and spoke to them about the significance of the day.

He began by asking them, 'Does anyone know what the bishop does?'

There was silence. Finally a little boy responded in a serious tone, "He's the one you can move diagonally...

I heard a bunch of former soviet space engineers started an 80's cover band...

they called themselves Buran Buran

Former Chicago Bears wide receiver Sam Hurd was released from federal prison today.

That makes two Cocaine Bears getting released this weekend.

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his
back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students i...

A former CIA operative gets a job as a software engineer.

At one point in his new career, he comes across a batch of information with what looks, to him, like an unusual encoding scheme.

Thinking it might be some kind of new cipher, he gets in touch with an old contact of his.

The contact, upon seeing the information in question, groans beca...

A guy delivered food to his former girlfriend.

Fed Ex.

What do former presidents Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton have in common?

They both said “screw you” to aid(e)s

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Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

Donald Trump is in Berlin for his first state visit with Angela Merkel. Trump quickly asks what the secret of her great success is.

Merkel tells him you just have to have a lot of intelligent people around you.

"How do you know so quickly if someone is intelligent?" asks Trump.

"Let me demonstrate." She picks up the phone, calls Wolfgang Schäuble and asks him a question, "Mr. Schäuble, it's your father's son, but i...

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

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4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

Former Pakistan PM and cricket legend Imran Khan survived an assassination attempt. Doctors said he has a leg bullet wound.

I guess he is Out, LBW.

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Former pornstar walks into a bar

Former porn actress walks into a bar and sees one of her old coworkers. They get to talking and the active porn actress asks her why she quit.

Well, they keep wanting me to do weirder and weirder stuff. At first it was just BDSM. But then they pushed me to do beastiality which I really regre...

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Pravda, the Soviet state newspaper, was running a feature on former Soviet Olympians.

Their reporter began by interviewing three retired Soviet swimmers.
First, he asks the Russian swimmer "Which was your favorite stroke in the 400m freestyle?"
The Russian replies "The front crawl. Is fast, powerful, and gets me to the finish line."
Next, the reporter turns to the Byel...

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I once received oral sex from a former Serbian Prime Minister.

He slobbered on my losevic.

What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?

The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.

Presidential Library Ideas: Former President Donald J Trump

A children’s section with cages for kids to sit in and read.

Did you hear about Prince?

Well I mean the artist formerly known as Prince.

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I've been porn free for an entire year today as a former porn addict!

Today is also my 98th birthday!

Brazilian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell...

There, he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He is told: "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another...

what do the UK Prime Minister and the former US president have in common?

One is Boris Johnson, the other is a boorish "johnson"

I heard a former Azkaban inmate is opening a Quidditch ball repair shop…

It’s called “Snitches Get Stitches”.

Three former sorority sisters meet up for a reunion homecoming game and start talking about life has treated them since college.

The first says that she couldn't be happier. She married a man who owns a Mercedes Benz car dealership. They live in a beautiful home, she drives whatever new Mercedes that strikes her fancy, and they are living a life of luxury.

The second mentions that her husband was just a councilman in t...

What do you call a former Vice President keeping a beat?

Algorithm

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[OC] An airline captain is holding interviews for a new copilot after the former one retired

He holds a series of back to back interviews, each one going seemingly better than the last. On the last scheduled interview for the day, a man walks in holding a human turd. He places the turd in the chair facing the captain. Seeing the captain's confused look, the man explains that the turd will b...

The Transformer formerly known as RoboCop...

Stoptimus Crime

Former US Vice President of the US Dan Quayle spelled the word ‘potato’ with an ‘e’ in it.

There’s no ‘e’ in potato, just a bunch of ‘i’s.

The former presidents are having lunch (Credit u/ThePerfectSnare)

**Bush**: Now, being president isn't as easy as it looks. It's like they say, you can drag a horse to water, but... but you have to hear it straight from the horse's mouth.

**Obama**: I, uh... I appreciate any guidance you and the other presidents are willing to offer me.

**Bush**: ...

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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

I made a graph of my former relationships.

It has an ex axis and a why axis.

What does a former head of the Vatican have in common with a fruit grown in Mexico?

They're both Pope Pius/papayas!

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How do you recognize a (former) pornstar on twitch?

They are clothed.

I saw a former vice present playing bass recommend to me on Youtube.

I think something was wrong with its Al Gore rhythm.

A friend of mine mentioned how his former lover always makes him wait in line,

and I was like "ex queue's you"?

Why are former Stasi agents the best taxi drivers in Berlin?

All you have to do is tell them your name. They already know where you live.

Two former spies marry...

The night of their wedding, the go to an opulent hotel room and have a splendid night of love-making, eating caviar off toast points, champagne and strawberries, the whole nine yards. Once they've worn each other out, they drift toward sleep when the new bride suddenly shakes her husband awake.
<...

I am dating a former Sears model

Her name is Manny Quinn.

What did former Alabama Senator Roy Moore say about coronavirus?

It's called COVID-19, means I ain't gettin' it.

Former Vice President Joe’s taking forever to announce running in 2020

I guess he’s just Biden his time.

I wonder what his decision dePence on, is he afraid that he will be Chene’d to it?

Which former European state exported mainly napkins?

The Serviette Union

Facebook keeps suggesting that I watch videos of former American Vice Presidents dancing.

All to do with the Al Gore rhythms, apparently.

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I once read a novel about a man who becomes infatuated with a 60 year old former prostitute.

It's basically about a guy who falls for the oldest trick in the book.

Florence+The Machine replaced one of their members with a former Portuguese footballer.

They are now called Florence+The Maniche.

What do you call it when your former girlfriend sees the person you are planning to con?

Ex spots the mark

Dr. Jill Stein plans on marrying former senator Al Franken.

She will run for president in 2020 as Dr. Franken-Stein.

Miss Prussy

There’s a high school teacher named Miss Prussy who would always remind her students to “don’t forget the ‘r’!” because it would be otherwise awkward/offensive.

25 years later at a class reunion a former student spotted Miss Prussy and said “i know you! You’re Miss…” and before he can finish ...

If you go home with someone and they have a banner of the former Soviet Union...

That’s a big red flag.

I saw a video on the news the other night of the former president with his hand shoved up under his arm making musical farting noises... I really enjoyed it!

I love a good Trump-pit solo!

A straight-laced former cop and a priest were driving down a country road

Walking along the edge of the road were some teens - their pants sagging, they were vaping had a beer in hand, and could clearly be hear cursing loudly. This enraged the former cop. He drifted toward the side of the road as if to hit them, then pulled back. Angry, he drifted over again. There was a ...

Why did the former leader of Cuba only sleep with Muslim men?

He liked hearing them say "In Fidel! In Fidel!"

Former champion Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana farm...

Now everyone can say they took a hit from Tyson!

What would we call if russia unite with all former Soviet Union nation?

...Soviet 'RE'Union

A former doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play.

Fortunately, he could still make the cast.

Apparently the former limbo world champion is now a homeless crack addict...

Just makes you think, how low can you go?

Talked with a former officer in the Bomb Disposal Unit

I asked him how he dealt with the stress of the job?

"Never had any stress with it." he said

When I asked how come, he said, "It's easy. I either get it right, or it's suddenly not my problem anymore."

The body of Mario's former nemesis was found in his jungle province this morning.

It was in a state of DK.

BREAKING NEWS: Ghislaine Maxwell, former on again / off again partner of Epstein, has been arrested by the FBI.

In other news, Prince Andrew has just suffered a heart attack, Bill Clinton has suddenly developed Alzheimer’s, and all prison guards at Maxwell’s detention centre have suddenly had to take long naps...

Why did the former medium quit drinking liquor?

Because she didn’t like spirits

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As a Fortune 500 company CEO, I never thought I'd hire a former porn star.

But I can tell this girl has a lot of spunk in her.

Jim asks his formerly obese friend Phil how he has lost weight so fast

Phil replies, "I tell you my secret. There's this clinic I went to. They have a special program that makes you lose weight incredibly fast. Here's the address."



So next weekend Jim has his first appointment at the clinic. He is welcomed by the doctor who sends him upstairs to the firs...

Why should all former senators be buried 100 feet deep when they die?

Because deep down, they’re really good people.

Three formerly wealthy friends, who all had the same name, found a Genie's lamp...

So they decided that when they released the genie each of them would get one wish. So they rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out and said, "hello, I will grant you three wishes." The men explained that they were going to spilt the wishes, and the genie agreed. The first man wished to be the only ma...

No one excpected South Sudan to secede from its former state.

It was all very Sudan.

What do you call a set of calculations to determine the fluidity of a former Vice President's dance moves?

Al Gore rhythm algorithm

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I wrote a Country song about how all my former lovers are Transsexual

It's called "All My Ex's Have Changed Sexes"

In 1964, a couple of former St. Louis Cardinals baseball stars were on vacation in Wales....

Red Schoendienst and Stan Musial decided to head to the UK on vacation with their wives after the 1964 Major League Baseball season. The two had retired as players the year before and had just finished their first full season as members of the staff - Musial as vice president, Schoendienst as a coa...

What do you call an animal doctor who formerly served in the German army?

A Veteran Aryan Veterinarian.

What do you call a former member of ISIS?

What do you call a former member of ISIS?






WASWAS

A former proctologist was getting tired of his job and the relentless teasing of his friends...

...so he decided to explore the field of auto mechanics.

He went to an auto trade school to get certified and generally excelled at everything. After a lengthy time, the day of his final certification test finally arrived. The former proctologist conducted the hands-on practical and then ea...

Former intelligence agent: "I have potentially explosive information on Trump's relationship with Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Ok please go on."

Former intelligence agent: "I have information that a number of years ago, Donald Trump visits Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Oh really? So then, what happens next?"

Former intelligence agent: "What happens next will shock you."

A former boxer decided to go into the writing business

There is no punchline.

A chinese pot, an establishment for drinks and accommodation, a prime number, and former senator Abraham Ribicoff ...

Wok inn 2 Abe R.

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A former maths professor turned dentist shaved my infected tooth down into a single thin line...

I asked him, "What the hell is this?"

He replied, "A square root canal."

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