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4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

The body of Mario's former nemesis was found in his jungle province this morning.

It was in a state of DK.

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I used to do stand up comedy with former WWE Superstar Rikishi

He was the butt of all my jokes

What do you call it when Google keeps sending you ads about former vice presidents dancing?

Al Gore Rhythms

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his
back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper
part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and
wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to
the toughest students i...

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

Former Vice President Joe’s taking forever to announce running in 2020

I guess he’s just Biden his time.

I wonder what his decision dePence on, is he afraid that he will be Chene’d to it?

Why should all former senators be buried 100 feet deep when they die?

Because deep down, they’re really good people.

A new professor asked one of his former teachers how to avoid getting nervous when speaking in front of the class.

“I always just pictured my audience naked.” He replied.

“But Mr. Jameson...” said the professor, “You taught Kindergarten.”

Did you know that all the employees of Thomas’ English Muffins are former embezzlers and child care workers?

They’re nothing but crooks and nannies

A guy delivered food to his former girlfriend.

Fed Ex.

A chinese pot, an establishment for drinks and accommodation, a prime number, and former senator Abraham Ribicoff ...

Wok inn 2 Abe R.

did i ever tell you about the time that i was contacted by a former partner who was working in italy via the money transfer service i was using?

I was not ready when my ex communicated by the paypal authority

If you go over to their place after a great date and see the banner of the former Soviet Union hanging on the wall...

Well then that's a big red flag.

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A former maths professor turned dentist shaved my infected tooth down into a single thin line...

I asked him, "What the hell is this?"

He replied, "A square root canal."

Dr. Jill Stein plans on marrying former senator Al Franken.

She will run for president in 2020 as Dr. Franken-Stein.

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A young, former Kirby vacuum salesman from North Dakota starts working at a "everything under one roof" store in Florida...

Though the manager who interviewed him was nervous with only that one bit of work history he liked the kid so he decided to hire him. "You can start tomorrow and I'll check up on you by the end of the day and see how much you have sold."



The first day on the job was a bit rough but th...

Apparently the former limbo world champion is now a homeless crack addict...

Just makes you think, how low can you go?

Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

“What brings you before the grea...

A former proctologist was getting tired of his job and the relentless teasing of his friends...

...so he decided to explore the field of auto mechanics.

He went to an auto trade school to get certified and generally excelled at everything. After a lengthy time, the day of his final certification test finally arrived. The former proctologist conducted the hands-on practical and then ea...

No one excpected South Sudan to secede from its former state.

It was all very Sudan.

I am dating a former Sears model

Her name is Manny Quinn.

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I wrote a Country song about how all my former lovers are Transsexual

It's called "All My Ex's Have Changed Sexes"

Talked with a former officer in the Bomb Disposal Unit

I asked him how he dealt with the stress of the job?

"Never had any stress with it." he said

When I asked how come, he said, "It's easy. I either get it right, or it's suddenly not my problem anymore."

There have been no major protests against former Park Geun-hye's imprisonment.

No Free Park-ing in South Korea.

Which former European state exported mainly napkins?

The Serviette Union

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

My former drug dealer quit dealing and is now working as a bartender...

I always knew he'd end up behind bars.

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Last week I caught up with an old coworker. He told me he’d left our former company a few weeks earlier to start a brothel.

I replied, “that’s interesting; I’ve never been to one. What are the rates like?”
“I charge $100 for oral and $200 for anal at the moment.”
“What if I just want to have, like, vaginal sex?”
He said, “Oh I’ve been too busy; I haven’t hired a staff yet.”

A former doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play.

Fortunately, he could still make the cast.

What do you call a musical equation that a former Vice President composes?

An algorithm

(Credit to my girlfriend)

Former champion Mike Tyson is opening a marijuana farm...

Now everyone can say they took a hit from Tyson!

When I was 15, I was a lost cause

I would constantly get in trouble with school teachers, policemen, really any kind of authority figure.

One day, my father had enough of it.

He told me that I had two options: either to change my ways, or to sleep on the roof until I decided to change. I considered choosing the former...

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An old man and an old woman living in a retirement home had been a couple for many years. They often sat next to each other for hours while she was holding his penis. One day he left her for another woman. "What does she have that I don't have?", his former SO asked him.

"Parkinson's"

Why was the former CIA agent who leaked classified documents not able to leave Russia during the blizzard?

Because he was Snowden.

What did the former German chancellor's wife say to him to remind him to change his watch for Daylight Saving Time?

Konrad, add an hour!

A popular gorilla exhibit at a local zoo had its only resident pass away

The zoo, not having enough time and money to replace the perished primate, gave one of their employees a gorilla suit and told them to go into the exhibit and act like a gorilla. He at first disagreed, like anyone would, until they offered an enormous raise. He then of course accepted the money and...

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.

While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.



To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that sh...

The former governor of Alaska is contributing to the manufacturing of new unmanned aircraft for the Afghanistan War.

These quadricopters are going to be named "Strikekirts", which reads the same forwards and backwards.

Why?

It's because they are Palindrones.

Why did the former medium quit drinking liquor?

Because she didn’t like spirits

What do you get if you ask a former presidential candidate to write a piece of music about a formula for solving a problem based on a sequence of specified actions?

An algorithm.

Former intelligence agent: "I have potentially explosive information on Trump's relationship with Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Ok please go on."

Former intelligence agent: "I have information that a number of years ago, Donald Trump visits Russia."

Buzzfeed journalist: "Oh really? So then, what happens next?"

Former intelligence agent: "What happens next will shock you."

There are those who know the difference between "latter" and "former," and there are those who do not.

Proud to say I belong to the latter group.

What does a former CIA agent who leaked classified information and the city of Boston have in common?

They're both snowed in.

After I got divorced, my former wife told me about a movie she gave 2 thumbs up that I should definitely take the kids to see.

I told her, "That wouldn't be appropriate. That movie is ex-rated"

There was once an old man who loved telling jokes

After a while, he decided that he wanted to share his jokes with the entire town. So every week he’d write down a new joke on posters and put them in as many places as possible. One day, however, he put up a joke that someone didn't like, and in the middle of the night, they tore every single joke d...

A captain, newly assigned to his ship, meets with his crew at the tavern before they sail.

The crew receives him well, and encourages him to join them in drinking and shenanigans. He declines the former, but joins in on the latter. The crew tells dirty jokes, but what really gets them roaring is joking about the tavern owner, Rex.

"You sure you don't mind the teasing? As the captai...

Two former spies marry...

The night of their wedding, the go to an opulent hotel room and have a splendid night of love-making, eating caviar off toast points, champagne and strawberries, the whole nine yards. Once they've worn each other out, they drift toward sleep when the new bride suddenly shakes her husband awake.
<...

Did you hear the UN has started a program of forgiving the crimes of former soviets who have died?

Yeah, it's called the red dead redemption.

You hear about the former inmate whos training to become a magician?

Hes really getting his act together...

If Caitlyn Jenner became a superhero...

Would she be an ex-man or a trans-former?

Former presidential candidate Senator Sanders falls ill. What do you call him?

A sick Bern.

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How do you tell if your gas station attendant is a former porn star?

Right before he finishes pumping your gas he takes it out and sprays it all over your car

Old joke from former Eastern Germany: An archeology team was having trouble determining the age of human remains that they found deep in a cave, so they called in the best forensics teams from the CIA, KGB and the Stasi....

The CIA team goes in first with all their equipment and comes out about 4 hours later.

"As far as we can determine, the remains are about 500,000 years old."

Not to be outdone by the CIA, the KGB goes in and comes out about 8 hours later.

"The remains are approximately 515,550 y...

An artist walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I don't like the way the art world is going. I've read that in the future many exhibitions will only feature digital images displayed on plasma screens in darkened, futuristic galleries," he complained to the bartender. "I'm going to miss the art formerly known as prints.

What do you call a former member of ISIS?

What do you call a former member of ISIS?






WASWAS

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I made a robot who changes people into the opposite sex.

I guess he's a trans former

I heard a joke today. It goes: what do you call something that makes something else? Wait no, what do you call something that lets you go up high? Wait no hang on,

I meant the former, not the ladder.

Picabo Street is a former World Cup alpine ski racer and model. When she was inducted into the National Ski Hall of Fame in 2004, her home town of Triumph, Idaho dedicated an entire wing of the local hospital to her.

It's called the Picabo ICU.

An old cowboy from Texas recently heard that Alaska was the largest state

So he decided to uproot himself and move up to Alaska, to toss away the moniker of a cowboy and become a real Alaskan. He sold everything he owned, drove up to Alaska, and purchased some property.

After living there for a while, he knew he wasn’t quite an Alaskan, so he trekked down to the l...

I just heard a new Fibonacci joke:

it was as bad as former two Fibonacci jokes put together.

The tale of officer Lee

Bored of his everyday nine-to-five paperwork, Officer Lee was contemplating whether to quit his job in the force. One day the chief of police came to ask for his assistance:

"Apparently even us policemen aren't immune to the flu as a lot of our employees have called in sick. If you'd like a l...

A man bought a new lamp on Amazon.

When it arrived, he noticed a dirty spot and tried to rub it off with a damp paper towel.

Suddenly, a scruffy glowing teenager appeared and said "Hey man, thanks for freeing me from this lamp. In return, I will grant you three wishes!"

The man was stunned. "You're a genie?"

"Yea...

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[NSFW] What’s the difference between Game of Thrones and a porn version of Rick & Morty?

In the former, winter is coming, in the latter, Summer is coming.

[OC]A man walks into a hardware store

Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.

Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. ...

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Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

The BBC interviews a former pilot of the Dutch Free Air Forces from WWII . . .

. . . So the Dutch guy starts telling a story:

"As we're flying over France, all of a sudden, 6 Fokkers come out of nowhere. I engage on a Fokker, and shoot him down. Then I line up behind another Fokker and shoot him down too. The other guys in my squadron shoot down the other four Fokkers....

Former police officers are offering their services to appear in court for you.

It’s a form of copper recycling.

Former eye doctor Rand Paul decided to run for president in 2016

Of all people, you would have thought he'd have 2020 vision

A former boxer decided to go into the writing business

There is no punchline.

A British Gentleman visits India..

He landed in the state of West Bengal, the former seat of the East Indian Company.

Dressed in classic gentlemanly fashion he decided to start the tour by visiting the famed Victoria Memorium Hall. Taken aback by the marvellous architecture, he stopped the nearest passerby and asked, "Who mad...

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My dad said this at his retirement... he is a former principal

"I remember a time when Harass was two words.

Did you hear about Prince?

Well I mean the artist formerly known as Prince.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well...

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[NSFW] A joke wiretapped from out former minister of foreign affairs

A man goes into the new brothel. He is vigourously greeted by the pimp who shouts:

"Come in, come in, we have the best prices! $15 for a handjob, blowjob $25, anal $30!"

"Wow, these are good prices. How much for good old pussyfucking? "

"Well, we ain't got that yet, I'm still al...

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Three guys die and go to hell...

When they get there they meet the devil, who tells them there's a way to get to heaven. The Devil explains that behind 3 doors are tasks that they must each complete, in whatever order they want, to go to heaven.

Door 1 is a room with 10 virgin ladies, the task is to make them all orgasm in ...

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