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Proctologist Jokes

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A proctologist gets pulled over for speeding.

One day, this car flies over the bridge. The cop at the end of the bridge uses his radar gun and sure enough, the car is speeding. He pulls him over.

Cop: Why the rush, sir?

Man: I was just called to the hospital. I'm a proctologist.

Cop: I've never heard of a proctologist befor...

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While making a delivery to the proctologist’s office....

I was waiting for the doctor to sign for his package. When he finally came out of the back, he reached for his coat pocket for a pen, but instead pulled out a rectal thermometer. He just stared at it for a moment with a puzzled look on his face and said:

“Well....I guess some asshole has my ...

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What's the difference between a proctologist and a retail worker?

The proctologist needed to go to college to deal with assholes for a living.

The Proctologist

So a man walks into his proctologists office because he felt that something was wrong.
The doctor walks in, explains the test, and gloves up. After a couple seconds of pressure, the man asks if there's anything wrong. The doctor replies,"Well, the good news is that it's only the head. The bad new...

What did the Jedi Knight say to the proctologist?

“These aren’t the ‘roids you’re looking for.”

Happy Star Wars day!

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The Psychiatrist & The Proctologist

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and ...

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Did you hear about the gangsta proctologist?

Apparently he busted a capillary in someone's ass.

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A Proctologist is giving an exam...

A Proctologist is giving an exam, and as he is nearing the end of the patient's visit, he goes to write a prescription. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out, to his surprise, a rectal thermometer.
He looks at it and, exclaims, "Damn it! Some asshole has my pen!"

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A proctologist goes to the bank to wire some money.

When the teller hands him a form to sign, the proctologist reaches in his pocket and grabs a thermometer, the proctologist exclaims, “Shit! Some asshole has my pen!”.

My proctologist is so high tech...

He said my exam would be digital.

A proctologist was losing too much money…

A proctologist was losing too much money. Her accountant came over for a consultation and quickly spotted the problem.

“You’re spending far too much on staffing. You’ve simply got to reduce your labor costs in order to survive.”

The proctologist puzzled over how to cut down. Given her...

If you can see both hands of the proctologist while he's giving you the exam...

... it makes you wonder 🤔

A former proctologist was getting tired of his job and the relentless teasing of his friends...

...so he decided to explore the field of auto mechanics.

He went to an auto trade school to get certified and generally excelled at everything. After a lengthy time, the day of his final certification test finally arrived. The former proctologist conducted the hands-on practical and then ea...

My proctologist was very happy with my prostate check results.

Two thumbs up.

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Why did the Proctologist have nightmares?

He's seen some shit before.

What's the difference between an Accountant and a Proctologist?

One stares at spreadsheets and the other stares at spread cheeks.

I asked my proctologist:. What happened to all the patients who had their colonoscopys delayed due to covid.....

He said, "oh we got caught up. Everyone got it in the end".

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I went to the proctologist, but didn’t like the diagnosis so I asked for a second opinion.

Now I’ve got TWO fingers up my arse!

I asked my proctologist friend if he had any luck with the dating scene.

He said he didn't have time because he had gotten behind at work.

Did you hear about the proctologist who became a mechanic?

For his first test, he disassembled and reassembled an engine.

His teacher gave him 150%: 50% for disassembling it, 50% for reassembling it, and another 50% for doing it through the exhaust.

A proctologist quits his job...

A proctologist named Bill decides he is tired of practicing medicine and quits his job to pursue his dream of being a car mechanic. He enrolls in a trade school and after some time the final exam is given. The test solely consists of disassembling and reassembling a car engine. The teacher tells the...

Things you don't wanna hear from your Proctologist....

"Look Ma, No Hands"

A proctologist changed careers to become a mathematician...

Specializing in polypnomials.

What's the difference between a chiropractor and a proctologist?

You go to one if you need your finger cracked and the other if you need your crack fingered.

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A guy walks into a proctologist’s office with a piece of lettuce poking out of his ass.

The doc says “What do we have here?”
The guy replies “That’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

Went to the proctologist today and he was impressed!

He gave me the thumbs up

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A proctologist loses his watch:

A proctologist loses his watch, but can't figure out which patient he lost it in. His head nurse tells him to call his recent patients in for a re-examination.

After the 4th patient shows up, the nurse turns to the doctor and says "it's him. He's got your watch."

The proctologist says ...

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I am not a certified proctologist.

But i know an asshole when i see one.

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My proctologist didn't know what a hemorrhoid was.

What a dumb ass doctor!

What do you call a Rastafarian proctologist?

A Pokemon

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I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn , took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a ...

Why does the proctologist keep buying new TV remotes?

Digging through the couch just feels like work.

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As a proctologist, there is one thing I have learned, in the end...

Everyone's an asshole.

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I met a proctologist the other day

It was a really shitty experience.

So an astronaut, a pimp and a proctologist all walk into a bar....

"I drive a Saturn", says the astronaut.

"I drive a cheap escort", says the pimp

The proctologist says "I've got you all beat. I drive a brown probe"

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A man has a crush on his proctologist,..

.. and makes an appointment to see the doctor. The somewhat dismayed doctor, who is wary of the patient's unwanted advances, reluctantly asks the patient to disrobe and lay on the table. The doctor, to his amazement, looks up his ass, and finds one, no TWO, no THREE red roses up in his rectum. As he...

My Proctologist has a back injury...

But he came to work to give me my exam anyway. Great guy. He sounds like he's in pain. I said, "Take it easy doc, you don't want to hurt yourself." He said, "I'm fine, just let me put my hands on your shoulders."

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A Proctologist is walking down the hall...

...when he's stopped by a passing nurse "Doctor, why do you have a rectal thermometer tucked over your ear ?" She asked "Damnit" he said grabbing the thermometer "some asshole has my pen !"

Why did the proctologist go to the furniture store?

For a stool sample.

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Proctologist walks into a bank

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to sign a deposit slip, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"

Proctologist

A guy goes in to his proctologist for a colonoscopy. The doctor has the camera up there, watching the video on the screen. The doctor says, "At this point in the process, it's normal to experience an erection."

The guys says, "But, doctor, I don't have an erection."

The doctor says, "I...

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Did you hear the one about the proctologist who went to write a prescription but realized he was holding an anal thermometer?

Yeah, some asshole stole his pen.

[At proctologist’s office] Me: *unzipping pants nervously*

Doctor: You’re understandably nervous, but please zip my pants back up.

A proctologist walks into a bar...

...and says, "Is this stool taken?"

I asked my proctologist if it's okay for me to use euphemisms...

He said analogies would be better.

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A proctologist is giving President Trump an examination.

Proctologist" "Wow! How'd you put the entire Republican National Committee and 40,000 Evangelical Christians up there! And why are they all wearing bibs?"

Trump: "They love eating shit."

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A proctologist is at the bank trying to sign a check, but his pen just won't work...

He looks down at the pen and realizes that it's not a pen, but rather a rectal thermometer.

He says, "Great! Now some asshole has my pen!"

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A proctologist is in the middle of an examination when he turns around and sees his assistant holding a bottle of beer.

He goes: “No nurse, I said BUTT-Light”

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A Proctologist goes to a bank

to make a withdrawal. The teller observes the man whip out a probe and try to write with it . The teller laughs hysterically, "Sir, you can't write with that!".
The Proctologist looks at the probe, and replies "Well shit, I guess some asshole's got my pen!"

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A guy walks into a proctologist’s office...

The doctor asks, “what seems to be the problem?”

“Well,” the man says, “I have a piece of lettuce sticking out of my asshole.”

The doctor, with a puzzled expression on his face, says “ok, well pull down your pants and let’s have a look.” The man obliges and sure enough there is a piec...

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What do proctors and proctologists have in common?

They deal with a bunch of assholes and have seen a lot of shit.

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Every once in a while you run into a truly eccentric proctologist

You know... one crazy ass doctor

My best friend is a proctologist

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With friends like him, who needs enemas

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Why did the proctologist Covid-denier take up ventriloquism?

He got tired of talking out of his own ass.

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What does a proctologist and an astronomer have in common?

When they look at Uranus, it is always on it's side.

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I need to find a new proctologist.

He makes me feel like I’m just another asshole.

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A fly walks into a proctologist’s office

And across the desk of that proctologist the fly goes into the issues that cause him pain.

“Well, where to begin... uhhhh let’s start with my credit, I took a dive of a FICO score from 670 to 450 in the last 6 months, my boss is cracking down on these new reports that corporate wants done da...

You know what they say when you have a proctologist for a friend...

With a friend like that, you don't need an enema.

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Blind man goes to the proctologist

He's about to get his prostate exam, and askes the Doctor:

- Dr., can I hold your dick while you perform the exam?

- Excuse me? Are you serious?

- Yes, I just want to make sure you're using your finger.

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How do you know your proctologist is gay?

When you feel both of his hands on your shoulders during the exam.

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Why didn't the proctologist show up for work?

He had two cars, but he rectum both.

Where did the proctologist go to college?

Pro State University

I'll see myself out.

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A man had a bowel problem one day and goes to see his proctologist.

"What seems to be the problem?", asked the doctor

"Well, ever since the Packers got that bad ref call during yesterday's game, my gut has been acting up"

"Bad ref call?" Replied the doctor, while preparing his instruments. "I was watching that game too, but it didn't look bad at all!"<...

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Why would proctologists make good astronauts?

Because they know their way around Uranus.

Castro's proctologist had a nickname

They called him 'The In Fidel'.

Bored Proctologist

A Proctologist who got tired of his profession decided to follow his lifelong dream and become a mechanic. After 2 years of school, he took a final exam where he passed with 150 percent. Confused, the Ex Proctologist asked how that was possible. The teacher replied that he received 50 points for cor...

A proctologist ate at a fine restaurant.

When the check came, he pulled out a rectal thermometer and, annoyed, said "Dammit, some dirty bum's got my pen!"

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Aliens may in fact be pro bono proctologists from another planet

Uranus , possibly

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I was referred to this proctologist. I thought he was a nice guy.

But he just turned out to be another asshole doctor.

A proctologist has a busy day

"I'm up to my elbows in prostate exams"

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I fired my proctologist today

He was a crap doctor

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President Trump, lying face-down on a table, is being examined by a proctologist.

In the midst of the exam, the proctologist urgently calls in his nurse.

"My God!", the proctologist says. "Take a look at this! I don't think I've ever seen an asshole like this!"

The nurse's jaw drops. "Doctor, I think you should immediately clarify that you're referring to the presid...

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You know a proctologist is being honest

When they call you an arsehole.

“It feels nice to finally open up to someone”

Proctologist: “Please don’t make this weird”

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A man is being examined by a proctologist...

The doctor asks the nurse for a light.

She hands him a beer:

"No, nurse. I wanted a butt light.

I saw a truck with a bumper sticker that said, “I’m a vet so I drive like an animal…

I then realized how many proctologists there are on the road.

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I should become a proctologist

After all I deal with assholes everyday!

What's the difference between psychologists and proctologists?

Phsychologists analyze

Proctologists analize

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My proctologist doesn't like it when I refer to him as a "Butt Doctor."

He says it's just ASSinine.

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So a proctologist

is examining a patient. He pulls an anal thermometer out of his coat to make some notes. Looks at it and says "Damnit some asshole has my pen!"

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I accidentally butt dialed my proctologist once...

I told him it was an accident... he said I was full of shit

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I once thought about becoming a proctologist...

but I can't imagine spending my entire workday dealing with assholes.

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A businessman, a doctor, and a lawyer walk into a bar.

They grab a table, order drinks, and begin commiserating about work.

The businessman starts. He says: "I've been dealing with this investor who's financing my company. Every time I ask this guy for even a bit of slack when revenue is tight he comes down on me like he thinks I'm good for nothi...

What do you call it when a proctologist has to give his sister an exam?

Analysis

I have the best proctologist.

He's able to massage my shoulders and check my prostate at the same time.

What do you call a semi-professional proctologist?

Someone doing a half-assed job.

New Reality Show: America's Next Top Proctologist.

You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up.

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What do a proctologist and a prostitute who's only clients are homeless people have in common?

They both spend their time at work feeling up bums.

A carpenter goes to the proctologist.

Upon learning what his patient does for a living, he says, "What a coincedence. I'm in need of a new office chair.

Can you make me one?"

The carpenter replies that he can.

The doctor says, "There's only one thing, I want to be able to try it out before I buy it. Can you giv...

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I went to see my proctologist...

I went to see my proctologist for a thorough check-up.

After he looked me over, I said to him, "You know, I probably have one of the best digestive systems in the world. It's *so* good, that I ate TEN POUNDS of glitter the other day just for fun. What do you think?"

“Weird flecks. But...

Did you hear about the proctologist and the psychiatrist who opened a practice together?

They called it "Odds and Ends".

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My proctologist tried to ease the awkwardness after the unexpected orgasm by telling me it's perfectly natural,

I just wish he'd have aimed away from me.

My Proctologist does horoscopes which, I guess,

makes him an Asstrologist.

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What did the proctologist do to his traumatized male patient?

He rectum.

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A proctologist quit his job..

He was tired of being the butt of the joke.

Why can't proctologists get out of debt?

They're always in arrears.

Why do proctologists like Facebook?

It's another chance to look up old friends.

i was reading a story about a proctologist...

It hit pretty deep.

A man goes to his proctologist for an exam...

The doctor tells him to drop his drawers and let him know when he feels his thumb. After a few seconds, the doctor asks the man if he can feel it and the man replies no. A few seconds later, the doctor asks again. This time the man says yes he can feel the doctors thumb. At this point, the doctor l...

What did the proctologist say to the pirate?

Show me your booty.

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