UPJOKE
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A proctologist gets pulled over for speeding.

One day, this car flies over the bridge. The cop at the end of the bridge uses his radar gun and sure enough, the car is speeding. He pulls him over.

Cop: Why the rush, sir?

Man: I was just called to the hospital. I'm a proctologist.

Cop: I've never heard of a proctologist befor...

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While making a delivery to the proctologist’s office....

I was waiting for the doctor to sign for his package. When he finally came out of the back, he reached for his coat pocket for a pen, but instead pulled out a rectal thermometer. He just stared at it for a moment with a puzzled look on his face and said:

“Well....I guess some asshole has my ...

A proctologist fed up with his job decided to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a diesel mechanic.

He decides to enroll in a course at the local community college to learn the basics. He’s a talented student. Before he knows it, he’s acing all of the paper exams and quizzes.

At the final evaluation, the proctologist is asked to apply what he learned by completely disassembling, rebuilding,...

A former proctologist was getting tired of his job and the relentless teasing of his friends...

...so he decided to explore the field of auto mechanics.

He went to an auto trade school to get certified and generally excelled at everything. After a lengthy time, the day of his final certification test finally arrived. The former proctologist conducted the hands-on practical and then ea...

What's the difference between a chiropractor and a proctologist?

You go to one if you need your finger cracked and the other if you need your crack fingered.

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A guy walks into a proctologist’s office with a piece of lettuce poking out of his ass.

The doc says “What do we have here?”
The guy replies “That’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

Things you don't wanna hear from your Proctologist....

"Look Ma, No Hands"

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As a proctologist, there is one thing I have learned, in the end...

Everyone's an asshole.

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What's the difference between a proctologist and a bouncer?

A proctologist only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

So an astronaut, a pimp and a proctologist all walk into a bar....

"I drive a Saturn", says the astronaut.

"I drive a cheap escort", says the pimp

The proctologist says "I've got you all beat. I drive a brown probe"

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Why couldn't the idiot be a proctologist?

Because he doesn't know his ass from his elbow.

A proctologist changed careers to become a mathematician...

Specializing in polypnomials.

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A proctologist is at the bank trying to sign a check, but his pen just won't work...

He looks down at the pen and realizes that it's not a pen, but rather a rectal thermometer.

He says, "Great! Now some asshole has my pen!"

Why does the proctologist keep buying new TV remotes?

Digging through the couch just feels like work.

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I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

His new nurse, Evelyn , took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat
until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a ...

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Did you hear the one about the proctologist who went to write a prescription but realized he was holding an anal thermometer?

Yeah, some asshole stole his pen.

What do you call a Jamaican proctologist?

A Pokemon

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

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Did you hear about the gangsta proctologist?

Apparently he busted a capillary in someone's ass.

My Proctologist has a back injury...

But he came to work to give me my exam anyway. Great guy. He sounds like he's in pain. I said, "Take it easy doc, you don't want to hurt yourself." He said, "I'm fine, just let me put my hands on your shoulders."

Why did the proctologist go to the furniture store?

For a stool sample.

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A man had a bowel problem one day and goes to see his proctologist.

"What seems to be the problem?", asked the doctor

"Well, ever since the Packers got that bad ref call during yesterday's game, my gut has been acting up"

"Bad ref call?" Replied the doctor, while preparing his instruments. "I was watching that game too, but it didn't look bad at all!"<...

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Every once in a while you run into a truly eccentric proctologist

You know... one crazy ass doctor

You know what they say when you have a proctologist for a friend...

With a friend like that, you don't need an enema.

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What do proctors and proctologists have in common?

They deal with a bunch of assholes and have seen a lot of shit.

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I met a proctologist the other day

It was a really shitty experience.

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A guy walks into a proctologist’s office...

The doctor asks, “what seems to be the problem?”

“Well,” the man says, “I have a piece of lettuce sticking out of my asshole.”

The doctor, with a puzzled expression on his face, says “ok, well pull down your pants and let’s have a look.” The man obliges and sure enough there is a piec...

The Proctologist

So a man walks into his proctologists office because he felt that something was wrong.
The doctor walks in, explains the test, and gloves up. After a couple seconds of pressure, the man asks if there's anything wrong. The doctor replies,"Well, the good news is that it's only the head. The bad new...

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Why did the proctologist Covid-denier take up ventriloquism?

He got tired of talking out of his own ass.

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What does a proctologist and an astronomer have in common?

When they look at Uranus, it is always on it's side.

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Proctologist walks into a bank

A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to sign a deposit slip, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up…

Which I did NOT appreciate.

[At proctologist’s office] Me: *unzipping pants nervously*

Doctor: You’re understandably nervous, but please zip my pants back up.

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I was referred to this proctologist. I thought he was a nice guy.

But he just turned out to be another asshole doctor.

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The Psychiatrist & The Proctologist

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and ...

My best friend is a proctologist

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With friends like him, who needs enemas

What kind of Doctor has the worst credit score?

Proctologists, they're always in Arrears.

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A Proctologist is giving an exam...

A Proctologist is giving an exam, and as he is nearing the end of the patient's visit, he goes to write a prescription. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out, to his surprise, a rectal thermometer.
He looks at it and, exclaims, "Damn it! Some asshole has my pen!"

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A Proctologist goes to a bank

to make a withdrawal. The teller observes the man whip out a probe and try to write with it . The teller laughs hysterically, "Sir, you can't write with that!".
The Proctologist looks at the probe, and replies "Well shit, I guess some asshole's got my pen!"

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My proctologist tried to ease the awkwardness after the unexpected orgasm by telling me it's perfectly natural,

I just wish he'd have aimed away from me.

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A fly walks into a proctologist’s office

And across the desk of that proctologist the fly goes into the issues that cause him pain.

“Well, where to begin... uhhhh let’s start with my credit, I took a dive of a FICO score from 670 to 450 in the last 6 months, my boss is cracking down on these new reports that corporate wants done da...

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Aliens may in fact be pro bono proctologists from another planet

Uranus , possibly

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A man has a crush on his proctologist,..

.. and makes an appointment to see the doctor. The somewhat dismayed doctor, who is wary of the patient's unwanted advances, reluctantly asks the patient to disrobe and lay on the table. The doctor, to his amazement, looks up his ass, and finds one, no TWO, no THREE red roses up in his rectum. As he...

What did the Proctologist gave to the Patient?

Anal-ysis.

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What do a proctologist and a prostitute who's only clients are homeless people have in common?

They both spend their time at work feeling up bums.

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How do you know your proctologist is gay?

When you feel both of his hands on your shoulders during the exam.

A proctologist walks into a bar...

...and says, "Is this stool taken?"

A proctologist has a busy day

"I'm up to my elbows in prostate exams"

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My proctologist doesn't like it when I refer to him as a "Butt Doctor."

He says it's just ASSinine.

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Why would proctologists make good astronauts?

Because they know their way around Uranus.

How do you call a theme park of prehistoric proctologists?

-Your ass's sick Park.

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I need to find a new proctologist.

He makes me feel like I’m just another asshole.

What do you call it when a proctologist has to give his sister an exam?

Analysis

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A Proctologist is walking down the hall...

...when he's stopped by a passing nurse "Doctor, why do you have a rectal thermometer tucked over your ear ?" She asked "Damnit" he said grabbing the thermometer "some asshole has my pen !"

The gloves come off at home.

It's one of the benefits of being married to a proctologist.

A proctologist quits his job...

A proctologist named Bill decides he is tired of practicing medicine and quits his job to pursue his dream of being a car mechanic. He enrolls in a trade school and after some time the final exam is given. The test solely consists of disassembling and reassembling a car engine. The teacher tells the...

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Why didn't the proctologist show up for work?

He had two cars, but he rectum both.

What's the difference between psychologists and proctologists?

Phsychologists analyze

Proctologists analize

A proctologist ate at a fine restaurant.

When the check came, he pulled out a rectal thermometer and, annoyed, said "Dammit, some dirty bum's got my pen!"

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You know a proctologist is being honest

When they call you an arsehole.

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A proctologist decided to take the day off and play Call of Duty, there were lots of newbies in the server.

He rectum

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Blind man goes to the proctologist

He's about to get his prostate exam, and askes the Doctor:

- Dr., can I hold your dick while you perform the exam?

- Excuse me? Are you serious?

- Yes, I just want to make sure you're using your finger.

Proctologist

A guy goes in to his proctologist for a colonoscopy. The doctor has the camera up there, watching the video on the screen. The doctor says, "At this point in the process, it's normal to experience an erection."

The guys says, "But, doctor, I don't have an erection."

The doctor says, "I...

Where did the proctologist go to college?

Pro State University

I'll see myself out.

A carpenter goes to the proctologist.

Upon learning what his patient does for a living, he says, "What a coincedence. I'm in need of a new office chair.

Can you make me one?"

The carpenter replies that he can.

The doctor says, "There's only one thing, I want to be able to try it out before I buy it. Can you giv...

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I fired my proctologist today

He was a crap doctor

Did you hear about the proctologist and the psychiatrist who opened a practice together?

They called it "Odds and Ends".

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A man is being examined by a proctologist...

The doctor asks the nurse for a light.

She hands him a beer:

"No, nurse. I wanted a butt light.

Castro's proctologist had a nickname

They called him 'The In Fidel'.

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Why did the proctologist have his cars towed to the auto repair shop?

He rectum.

A man walks into the proctologist office for his appointment

The doctor asks him to take off his pants.

So he takes off his pants and he asks”where do I put my pants?”

The doctor replies “just set them on the table by mine.”

Went to the proctologist ...

ended up with a ;

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A very depressed man goes to the proctologist

“Ya know doc, life seems harsh and cruel. I feel all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. I don’t know what to do.”

The doctor says, “Son, I don’t really know what to tell you, but I have a suggestion for some simple treatment... The great clown Pagliacci...

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When I browse Reddit, I feel like a proctologist...

I see way too many assholes.

A man goes to his proctologist for an exam...

The doctor tells him to drop his drawers and let him know when he feels his thumb. After a few seconds, the doctor asks the man if he can feel it and the man replies no. A few seconds later, the doctor asks again. This time the man says yes he can feel the doctors thumb. At this point, the doctor l...

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My proctologist has PTSD

He has seen some shit

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I once thought about becoming a proctologist...

but I can't imagine spending my entire workday dealing with assholes.

What did the Jedi Knight say to the proctologist?

"These aren't the 'roids you're looking for."

Earlier today, I saw a bumper sticker that said "I'm a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal."

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.

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I accidentally butt dialed my proctologist once...

I told him it was an accident... he said I was full of shit

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What did the proctologist do to his traumatized male patient?

He rectum.

New Reality Show: America's Next Top Proctologist.

You only advance to the next round if you get two thumbs up.

What do you call a semi-professional proctologist?

Someone doing a half-assed job.

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I went to see my proctologist...

I went to see my proctologist for a thorough check-up.

After he looked me over, I said to him, "You know, I probably have one of the best digestive systems in the world. It's *so* good, that I ate TEN POUNDS of glitter the other day just for fun. What do you think?"

“Weird flecks. But...

What did the proctologist say to the pirate?

Show me your booty.

Life is tiring being a child proctologist

You're always feeling a little behind

My Proctologist does horoscopes which, I guess,

makes him an Asstrologist.

Did you hear about the resourceful proctologist?

He always used two fingers, in case his patients wanted a second opinion.

i was reading a story about a proctologist...

It hit pretty deep.

My friend is so lucky, his gf doesn't mind him checking as many asses as he wants!

By the way, he is a proctologist.

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What did the proctologist do to those poor people's butts?

He rectum.

I visited a proctologist the other day...

It was a real bummer.

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I should become a proctologist

After all I deal with assholes everyday!

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One day, a proctologist goes to the bank to cash a check...

He pulls the check out of his pocket, but still needs to sign the back. He reaches into his lab coat pocket to get his favorite pen and instead pulls out a rectal thermometer. The proctologist looks at the bank teller and says, "Damn it, some asshole has my pen!"

I have the best proctologist.

He's able to massage my shoulders and check my prostate at the same time.

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A guy gets home from his proctologist appointment...

His wife asked him how it went. He told her his bum hole actually fairly sore. "Yeah, he put his left hand on my shoulder and really crammed his right finger in my.........No, wait.....he put his RIGHT hand on my shoulder and really crammed his LEFT finger in my........No, wait...... I think he h...

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