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Communist Jokes

What's the best way to kill communists?

Communism.

I dumped my last girlfriend because she was a communist.

I should've known sooner. There were red flags everywhere.

I think my cats are communists

They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.

Communists make the best snipers

They're natural Marx men.

What is the similarity between a communist and an IT technician?

They both believe restarting it might work.

What do you call a hand job from a communist?

Seizing the means of reproduction.

How did communists light their homes before candles?

with light bulbs

I think my cat might be a communist

He won't shut up about Mao.

Three prisoners of communist regime

Three prisoners are in one cell and they talk about why they are here.

First guy: "My watch was always 10 minutes late, so I was always late for work and they locked me up for betrayal."

Second guy: "My watch was always 10 minutes early, so I was always 10 minutes early to work and the...

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A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony.

One turns to the other and asks “Have you read Marx?” The second replies “yes, it’s these damn wicker chairs!”

What do you call a communist cat?

Meow Zedong

Why do Communists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper-tea is theft!

Two friends lived in a Communist country.

The first friend asked, "Comrade, if you had two houses, would you give one of them to me?"

The second friend replied, "Of course, Comrade!"

The first friend was happy with this answer. He then asked, "If you had two cars, would you give one of them to me?"

"Of course!" replied ...

During the USSR regime a communist governor is visiting one of the small towns in his district

The mayor of the town is excited to show the governor how dedicated his people are to the communist party, so as they are walking through the town bazaar, he pulls one of the farmers aside
to ask him a couple of questions.

He asked "Comrade, if you had two apartments, wouldn't you be ...

A communist couple were talking one day.

The guy starts and says, "Hey, I just a gotta go fix my car-"

The girl cuts in with, "Sorry, you mean *our* car?"

The guy says sorry then remembers and says, "Oh yeah, let me go get my phone, I wanna show you-"

The girl cuts in again and says, "No, ***Our*** phone"

The gu...

How do Communists tell time?

Ours

What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

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Hey baby are you a Communist?

Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.

Have you heard of the leader of the bovine communist movement?

Cow Zedong, better known as Chairman Cow.

Great guy.

Had the most mooving speeches.

What do you call a drunk communist?

Hammered and sickled.

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In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the member...

Why are communists always late to events?

Because they’re Stallin’!

JK. It’s cause they starved to death.

I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a communist.

To be honest, there were a lot of red flags

Communist jokes are not funny...

unless everyone gets them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that communists don't have orgasms?

they have ourgasms

Hey girl, are you a communist?

Because your bed could become our bed.

What do you call a communist british shop?

Marx and Spencers.

A communist Jew, an old hag who tries to be hip, a manic reality tv star, a bible thumper, a robot and an old man from Ohio who forgot to take his meds walk into a bar....

Pick one to be your next president

What do German Communists and German Capitalists have in common?

They both love Marks

whats the most common disease among communists?

Hammer and sickle cell anemia.

Generally, when Communist countries get patriotic…

it’s a big red flag

Communists jokes on internet aren't memes

They're ourours

A communist and his friend walk into an antique store

His friend said:

“Woah,look at this really fancy cone glass thing with the sand!,its mine!”

The communist said:

no


Its Hourglass

What are Communists born with?

BirthMarx

My wife is like a communist dictator...

She makes me pay for everything and do everything for her.

But I'm too scared to leave and I daren't say no to her, so I just keep my head down and politely respond to her demands with 'yes Stalin.'

What do two communists have in common?

Everything

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the communist name for Uranus?

Ouranus.

I’m starting to suspect my neighbor is a communist.

He just puts up a lot of red flags.

Have you tried the communist weight loss program?

Ive lost tons of weight on this five-year plan!

What would you call an ex-muslim turned communist?

Infidel Castro

What do you call a communist pirate ship?

The USS-ARRR

What do you name an American, Communist Pirate Ship?

The U.S.S. ARRRGH

Why do communists take their time doing everything?

Because it's not minutes, it's hours comrade.

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If Donald Trump was a communist,

If Donald Trump was a communist, instead of saying "Grab her by the pussy" he would have said "Seize the means of reproduction."

What do you call a group of french communists?

Oui

Where does a Communist Garden Gnome work?

At the Russian Troll Farm.

What's it called when two communists begrudgingly get married?

The So be it Union

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A black man, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hello, Mr. President!"

Courtesy of my Fox News-watching mom...

Why is China a communist country?

Because nobody wants to hold an erection.

Why are Communists bad Java programmers?

They don't like classes.

I'm pretty sure I'm a communist...

Because I want to share my cake day with you guys

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?

Rename Uranus to Ouranus

In Communist China you don't use iMessage

You use WeChat

What’s the difference between a communist dictatorship and a crime syndicate?

One is organized.

What’s the difference between a communist from 40’s USSR and a communist from America now?

One of them didn’t starve to death during the winter.

After a fun night, he invited me to his place. But then I realized he was a communist.

I should've seen the red flags.

Why does communists have toxic relationships?

Because they run into red flags.

Who is China’s funniest little communist?

Lmao Zedong

Xi and Biden have a bet

Xi wagers that in 100 years time China would be the dominant superpower, while Biden is confident that the USA will remain uncontested.

So after their terms ended and they reached the end of their mortal coil, they were cryogenically preserved in Switzerland and woken up in 100 years.

...

What do communists and the male g-spot have in common?

They're both prostate.

A woman is walking hand-in-hand with her husband on Christmas Eve In Moscow

They're having a nice night when, suddenly, they start to feel a bit of precipitation on their faces.


The woman looks at her husband and says, "Look, dear, it's raining."


Her husband tells her, "No, dear, it's snowing." Well, this argument goes back and forth for a few minu...

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First they came for the Communists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Communist.

Then they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a trade unionist.

By the time they got to me, they didn't have any jizz left, so they couldn't come for me.

Communist Party centenary live:

**China has never ‘oppressed’ another country and never will, Xi says**

What is a communist grave called?

A maosoleum

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soviet joke: A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution.

The Chairman gives a speech: “Dear comrades! Let’s look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution.

For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes.

And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known thr...

What do you call a passive communist country?

The so-be-it union (one of my original jokes)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

Why can't Communists be programmers?

Because there is a hierarchy of classes, inheritance, and private properties

What do you call a communist agronomist who also sells insurance?

Jake from the State Farm.

Why Don't Communists Like School?

Because they have always get bad Marx.

Communist puns aren't funny

Unless everyone get them.

(I need full Marx for this one)

Why are communists considered left?

Because they can't do anything right

In Communist China

Winnie the Pooh owns Disney

I discovered that my boyfriend is a communist spy.

I guess I could have noticed this sooner, but chose to ignore the red flags.

I think my math teacher is a communist

Because she keeps talking about Engels

Remember that time Ohm got drunk at a Communist convention?

He made a long-winded speech about the dielectric.

What do you call a group of communist psychologists passed out drunk?

A collective unconscious.

My great grandfather was a communist...

His nickname was "popsickle"

Who is the communist leader of r/Jokes ?

Chairman Lmao

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Communists and Trump supporters really aren't all that different...

They both want a world with no class.

What is a Communists favorite musician?

Cher

Sister Ya lived in communist China

Although the church was allowed there, it lived under the rule of the CCP. The more the good sister saw, the less she could ignore. It started small, ministering people with verses dedicated to freedom and truth. But the oppression became more than she could bear. She started hiding pro-democracy pa...

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