What's the best way to kill communists?

Communism.

Hey girl, are you a Communist?

Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.

A Chinese man, a communist and a spy walk into a bar.

He orders a drink.

Communists make the best snipers

They're natural Marx men.

A communist and his friend walk into an antique store

His friend said:

“Woah,look at this really fancy cone glass thing with the sand!,its mine!”

The communist said:

no


Its Hourglass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death.

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dim...

I think my cat might be a communist

He won't shut up about Mao.

What do you name an American, Communist Pirate Ship?

The U.S.S. ARRRGH

What do you call a group of indifferent communists

A So-be-it Union

What are Communists born with?

BirthMarx

Communist jokes aren't funny

Unless everyone gets them.

My favorite joke for my cake day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Communist leaders - one happy, one sad - met in a hallway

"Boris, why the long face?", the happy one asked. "Cheer up!"

"Easy for you to say, Andrei", the sad one replied. "I've just been given an order from the very top. I'm supposed to figure out which of the Party members are secretly Christians and arrest them. But how am I supposed to do that?"...

Communist puns are great and all, but too many of them are just replacing the word "marks" with "Marx."

If you want to be original, you should really approach them from some different Engels.

I think my cats are communists

They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.

In Communist China you don't use iMessage

You use WeChat

Why are communists always late to events?

Because they’re Stallin’!

JK. It’s cause they starved to death.

What is the similarity between a communist and an IT technician?

They both believe restarting it might work.

Why don’t communists go to school?

Because the classes are divided

An Anarcho-capitalist, a Maoist, and an Anarcho-communist all walk into a bar.

The bartender stops them and says “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

My partner is a diehard communist and loves China and Russia.

I saw red flags on day one but ignored them.

What did the Communist use before candles?

Electricity.

What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

What does a very convincing communist and a psychopath have in common?

People leave them with big red flags

What did the communist clock say about the land?

Hours.

Why Don't Communists Like School?

Because they have always get bad Marx.

Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?

He was Stalin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a communist couple having sex after their first date?

Russian things.

Everyone knows the famous communist Karl Marx.

But I bet you never knew the inventor of the starter pistol was his sister, Onya.

When I started dating my communist girlfriend I should have known things wouldn’t work out…

So many red flags

I’m a little suspicious of my roommate always offering to sell me old communist memorabilia.

It’s a big red flag for me.

What do you call a communist doing yoga?

Stretch Marx

What did the communist say when he heard a really funny joke?

"L-*Mao*."

Communist Party centenary live:

**China has never ‘oppressed’ another country and never will, Xi says**

I discovered that my boyfriend is a communist spy.

I guess I could have noticed this sooner, but chose to ignore the red flags.

Do you know what Mao, the first leader of communist China, becomes when he laughs

LMAO

Communist Arby’s

We have the means.

What’s the best thing about working in a communist country?

You can chuck a sickle whenever you like.

Do you know why the communist takeover of russia lasted more than a year?

It took more than one revolution.

I think my math teacher is a communist

Because she keeps talking about Engels

Why does the communist economy always fail?

Because they cease the means of production.

What do you call a Chinese communist with a speech impediment?

Mousey Tongue

What is a communist grave called?

A maosoleum

What do vegan communists really, really enjoy?

the soyviet union.

Why do communists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

Why do communists hate schools?

Because schools have classes

What do Chinese Communists say instead of “lol”?

L-MAO.

What is a Communists favorite musician?

Cher

The problem with being a hot communist is that...

...everyone wants a piece of you.

My great grandfather was a communist...

His nickname was "popsickle"

How you know time is a communist construct?

Because it is measured in hours.

Communist party gathers, main speaker is Stalin. Someone sneezes.

Stalin: Comrades, who sneezed?

Silence.

Stalin: I ask again, comrades, who sneezed?

Silence intensifies.

Stalin: Shoot down first row!

Guards spray the first row with bullets.

Stalin: Comrades, i ask AGAIN, who sneezed?

Dead silence.

Stalin: Sh...

What do relationship advice and communist propaganda have in common?

There are loads of red flags involved.

The main goal of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union...

was to make sure the line for Lenin's Mausoleum was longer than the line for bread.

Theres no such thing as a Communist economy

There is however, a thing such as an communist economOURS

Communists jokes on internet aren't memes

They're ourours

Who is the leader of the Kitty Communist Party?

Chairman Meow

How do Communists ask for help?

Quit Stalin and get Lenin me a hand right Mao!

I once saw a group of Communists.

They were playing Soviet Russian Roulette. It's like regular Russian Roulette, except that everyone dies equally.

I'm pretty sure I'm a communist...

Because I want to share my cake day with you guys

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sergei and Vladimir are standing in a long line outside a Soviet butcher shop.

The butcher comes out, looks at the long line, and yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you today! All the Jews, get out of the line and go home!”

After another hour of waiting, the butcher comes out again and looks at the line. He yells, “We don’t have enough for all of you! If you’re not...

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation...

"I think it's raining", says the man.

"No, it's snowing", replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you can it when two communists have sex?

Seizing the means of reproduction

What kind of blood disorder is most common among communists?

Hammer-and-Sickle cell anemia.

After 18 years of raising our teenage daughter as a proud Republican she has decided that she wants to become a Communist.

Well if that's the way she wants to be, then Soviet.

(Apologies if this has been posted before, I either thought of it or remembered it this morning on the toilet.)

Why is the stoner communist always top of his class?

Because he gets high Marx

Did you know martians are communists?

They all live on the red planet.

What do you call a passive communist country?

The so-be-it union (one of my original jokes)

Why are communists considered left?

Because they can't do anything right

What do you call an arranged marriage between two apathetic communists?

The so be it union.

What’s the difference between a communist from 40’s USSR and a communist from America now?

One of them didn’t starve to death during the winter.

where do communists get their coal from?

ours

What happens when you get a Communist to play "spin the bottle"?

Famine.

Today on the highway driving home.

Me: Ah! Come on man stay in your lane.

My wife: I'll bet he is communist.

Me: what? Why?

My wife: because now it's 'our' lane.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Soviet Strip Club

In the seventies, Soviet party members decide on establishing the first strip club in Moscow


They plan out everything, yet somehow there's next to no income. After some discussion, they decide on inviting two American experts to inspect the place.

The Americans look around for a m...

I've been holding myself back from posting communist jokes, as some people don't understand it.

Communist jokes become funny only when everyone gets it.

If Kanye West actually won the US Election and became the president, I think he would turn America into a communist nation.

Because he believes no one man should have all that power.

Why can't Communist drive manual cars?

Cause they keep Stalin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

Where on Reddit to communists go to have a laugh?

Our jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Made for each other - a thread

How would you describe the perfect couple of eggs?

- Laid for each other

How would you describe the perfect couple of prostitutes?

- Paid for each other

How would you describe the perfect couple of necrophilliacs?

- Dead for each other


How would you desc...

Life hacks from Secretary Stalin, don’t dress for the job you want. Use the job you have to create a totalitarian dictatorship to crush your enemies.

*this joke exists because I found out Stalin’s title during his reign was Secretary. During the power struggles his opponents wanted to give him a menial job to side line him. But he realized he controlled who got invitations to meeting, what was on the agenda, and when they should happen. Leading t...

How does a LGBT Communist get to work?

On their Bi-Sickle!

I found out my vet was a communist.

They took my dog‘s means of reproduction.

How can you tell if your partner is a true communist comrade?

They only take as much blanket as they need.

What did my communist girlfriend say when she grabbed my balls?

I’m seizing your means of production.

Hello welcome to today’s Communist marathon...

On your Marx....

Two communists are sitting on a porch in a nudist colony. One says "Have you read Marx" ?

The other says "Yes, I think it's these wicker chairs"

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