Hey girl, are you a Communist?

Because I feel an uprising in my lower classes.

Communists make the best snipers

They're natural Marx men.

A Chinese man, a communist and a spy walk into a bar.

He orders a drink.

Who gets communist jokes?

Everyone ideally

What do you call a group of indifferent communists

A So-be-it Union

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

What's the best way to single-handledly kill a bunch of communists?

Communism

How did communists light their homes before candles?

With electricity.

I think my cat might be a communist

He won't shut up about Mao.

What is the similarity between a communist and an IT technician?

They both believe restarting it might work.

Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony.

One turns to the other and asks “Have you read Marx?” The second replies “yes, it’s these damn wicker chairs!”

Do you know what you get when you tie two Communist table napkins together?

A Serviette Union

Communist jokes aren't funny

Unless everyone gets them.

My favorite joke for my cake day

A communist and his friend walk into an antique store

His friend said:

“Woah,look at this really fancy cone glass thing with the sand!,its mine!”

The communist said:

no


Its Hourglass

I think my cats are communists

They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.

In Communist China you don't use iMessage

You use WeChat

What are Communists born with?

BirthMarx

What do you call a Communist snipet?

A Marxman

I don’t know how the Chinese fell for Mao and the communist party

I mean, there were a freakin ton of red flags.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First they came for the Communists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Communist.

Then they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a trade unionist.

By the time they got to me, they didn't have any jizz left, so they couldn't come for me.

A double amputee walks into a Communist prosthetic's shop and says...

Two arms, Comrade.

What do you name an American, Communist Pirate Ship?

The U.S.S. ARRRGH

Generally, when Communist countries get patriotic…

it’s a big red flag

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Communist leaders - one happy, one sad - met in a hallway

"Boris, why the long face?", the happy one asked. "Cheer up!"

"Easy for you to say, Andrei", the sad one replied. "I've just been given an order from the very top. I'm supposed to figure out which of the Party members are secretly Christians and arrest them. But how am I supposed to do that?"...

Communist puns are great and all, but too many of them are just replacing the word "marks" with "Marx."

If you want to be original, you should really approach them from some different Engels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a communist couple having sex after their first date?

Russian things.

Why don’t communists go to school?

Because the classes are divided

Everyone knows the famous communist Karl Marx.

But I bet you never knew the inventor of the starter pistol was his sister, Onya.

An Anarcho-capitalist, a Maoist, and an Anarcho-communist all walk into a bar.

The bartender stops them and says “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”

My partner is a diehard communist and loves China and Russia.

I saw red flags on day one but ignored them.

What does a romantic bachelor and The Chinese Communist Party have in common?

They will both steal your heart.

I ended things with my communist girlfriend.

Too many red flags.

What did the communist clock say about the land?

Hours.

Why are communists always late to events?

Because they’re Stallin’!

JK. It’s cause they starved to death.

Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?

He was Stalin.

I’m a little suspicious of my roommate always offering to sell me old communist memorabilia.

It’s a big red flag for me.

What do you call a communist doing yoga?

Stretch Marx

What does a very convincing communist and a psychopath have in common?

People leave them with big red flags

Communist Party centenary live:

**China has never ‘oppressed’ another country and never will, Xi says**

What did the communist say when he heard a really funny joke?

"L-*Mao*."

I discovered that my boyfriend is a communist spy.

I guess I could have noticed this sooner, but chose to ignore the red flags.

Why Don't Communists Like School?

Because they have always get bad Marx.

Communist Arby’s

We have the means.

What is a communist grave called?

A maosoleum

Do you know why the communist takeover of russia lasted more than a year?

It took more than one revolution.

I think my math teacher is a communist

Because she keeps talking about Engels

Why do communists hate schools?

Because schools have classes

What do Chinese Communists say instead of “lol”?

L-MAO.

Do you know what Mao, the first leader of communist China, becomes when he laughs

LMAO

What do vegan communists really, really enjoy?

the soyviet union.

Why does the communist economy always fail?

Because they cease the means of production.

Why do communists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

Communist party gathers, main speaker is Stalin. Someone sneezes.

Stalin: Comrades, who sneezed?

Silence.

Stalin: I ask again, comrades, who sneezed?

Silence intensifies.

Stalin: Shoot down first row!

Guards spray the first row with bullets.

Stalin: Comrades, i ask AGAIN, who sneezed?

Dead silence.

Stalin: Sh...

Communists jokes on internet aren't memes

They're ourours

Who is the leader of the Kitty Communist Party?

Chairman Meow

How do Communists ask for help?

Quit Stalin and get Lenin me a hand right Mao!

What is a Communists favorite musician?

Cher

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke from old Czechoslovakia, translated for you

I was a CEO of big company. I was driving corporate Tatra 613. Every morning, coffee was brewed by sexy secretary assistant. One day, they asked me to contribute 5000 crowns for the funeral of the member of Central Committee of the Communist Party. I said that for 5000 crowns I will burry the while ...

The problem with being a hot communist is that...

...everyone wants a piece of you.

My great grandfather was a communist...

His nickname was "popsickle"

What do relationship advice and communist propaganda have in common?

There are loads of red flags involved.

The main goal of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union...

was to make sure the line for Lenin's Mausoleum was longer than the line for bread.

Theres no such thing as a Communist economy

There is however, a thing such as an communist economOURS

Did you know martians are communists?

They all live on the red planet.

I'm pretty sure I'm a communist...

Because I want to share my cake day with you guys

What do you call a passive communist country?

The so-be-it union (one of my original jokes)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you can it when two communists have sex?

Seizing the means of reproduction

What do you call an arranged marriage between two apathetic communists?

The so be it union.

What kind of blood disorder is most common among communists?

Hammer-and-Sickle cell anemia.

Why is the stoner communist always top of his class?

Because he gets high Marx

After 18 years of raising our teenage daughter as a proud Republican she has decided that she wants to become a Communist.

Well if that's the way she wants to be, then Soviet.

(Apologies if this has been posted before, I either thought of it or remembered it this morning on the toilet.)

Why are communists considered left?

Because they can't do anything right

What do you call someone who has nothing and wants to share it with everyone?

A communist

If Kanye West actually won the US Election and became the president, I think he would turn America into a communist nation.

Because he believes no one man should have all that power.

Why can't Communist drive manual cars?

Cause they keep Stalin.

where do communists get their coal from?

ours

What happens when you get a Communist to play "spin the bottle"?

Famine.

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation...

"I think it's raining", says the man.

"No, it's snowing", replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
...

How does a LGBT Communist get to work?

On their Bi-Sickle!

I've been holding myself back from posting communist jokes, as some people don't understand it.

Communist jokes become funny only when everyone gets it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

Where on Reddit to communists go to have a laugh?

Our jokes

What did my communist girlfriend say when she grabbed my balls?

I’m seizing your means of production.

Hello welcome to today’s Communist marathon...

On your Marx....

How can you tell if your partner is a true communist comrade?

They only take as much blanket as they need.

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