The 86+ Best Communist Jokes

What's the best way to kill communists?

Communism.

I dumped my last girlfriend because she was a communist.

I should've known sooner. There were red flags everywhere.

What is the similarity between a communist and an IT technician?

They both believe restarting it might work.

Communists make the best snipers

They're natural Marx men.

I think my cats are communists

They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.

What do you call a hand job from a communist?

Seizing the means of reproduction.

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What do you call two communists who masturbate together?

Cum-rades!

(I am not sorry, this was brilliant and I'm proud of it.)

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An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

I think my cat might be a communist

He won't shut up about Mao.

How did communists light their homes before candles?

with light bulbs

Three prisoners of communist regime

Three prisoners are in one cell and they talk about why they are here.

First guy: "My watch was always 10 minutes late, so I was always late for work and they locked me up for betrayal."

Second guy: "My watch was always 10 minutes early, so I was always 10 minutes early to work and the...

Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony.

One turns to the other and asks “Have you read Marx?” The second replies “yes, it’s these damn wicker chairs!”

What do you call a communist cat?

Meow Zedong

Why do Communists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper-tea is theft!

How do Communists tell time?

Ours

What do you call a drunk communist?

Hammered and sickled.

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Soviet joke: A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution.

The Chairman gives a speech: “Dear comrades! Let’s look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution.

For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes.

And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known thr...

whats the most common disease among communists?

Hammer and sickle cell anemia.

Do you know what you get when you tie two Communist table napkins together?

A Serviette Union

A communist and his friend walk into an antique store

His friend said:

“Woah,look at this really fancy cone glass thing with the sand!,its mine!”

The communist said:

no

Its Hourglass

What do you call a communist sniper?

A marxman.

Communist jokes are not funny...

unless everyone gets them

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Hey baby are you a Communist?

Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.

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Did you know that communists don't have orgasms?

they have ourgasms

Have you heard of the leader of the bovine communist movement?

Cow Zedong, better known as Chairman Cow.

Great guy.

Had the most mooving speeches.

What do German Communists and German Capitalists have in common?

They both love Marks

Why are communists always late to events?

Because they’re Stallin’!

JK. It’s cause they starved to death.

Communist puns are great and all, but too many of them are just replacing the word "marks" with "Marx."

If you want to be original, you should really approach them from some different Engels.

I broke up with my girlfriend because she was a communist.

To be honest, there were a lot of red flags

What do you call a communist british shop?

Marx and Spencers.

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What's the communist name for Uranus?

Ouranus.

What do you call a group of french communists?

Oui

What do you name an American, Communist Pirate Ship?

The U.S.S. ARRRGH

What’s the difference between a communist dictatorship and a crime syndicate?

One is organized.

Why do communists take their time doing everything?

Because it's not minutes, it's hours comrade.

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Two Communist leaders - one happy, one sad - met in a hallway

"Boris, why the long face?", the happy one asked. "Cheer up!"

"Easy for you to say, Andrei", the sad one replied. "I've just been given an order from the very top. I'm supposed to figure out which of the Party members are secretly Christians and arrest them. But how am I supposed to do that?"...

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Sorry everyone, the weekly reading of the Communist Manifesto has been canceled.

My parents are remodeling their basement.

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What do you call a communist couple having sex after their first date?

Russian things.

Communists jokes on internet aren't memes

They're ourours

What would you call an ex-muslim turned communist?

Infidel Castro

What do two communists have in common?

Everything

What’s a communist’s favourite part of a clock?

The h*our* hand

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hello, Mr. President!"

Courtesy of my Fox News-watching mom...

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If Donald Trump was a communist,

If Donald Trump was a communist, instead of saying "Grab her by the pussy" he would have said "Seize the means of reproduction."

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What would be the first thing communists do if they ruled the solar system?

Rename Uranus to Ouranus

What do communists and the male g-spot have in common?

They're both prostate.

What's it called when two communists begrudgingly get married?

The So be it Union

In Communist China you don't use iMessage

You use WeChat

After a fun night, he invited me to his place. But then I realized he was a communist.

I should've seen the red flags.

What do you call a communist dry erase pen?

Marks-ist

What do you call a communist agronomist who also sells insurance?

Jake from the State Farm.

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In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the member...

A communist, a nationalist, and a Ba'athist are on a plane... | A popular Syrian joke

**Disclaimer**: The Ba'ath Party (tr. *revival party)* is the murderous ruling party of Syria (and at one point, Iraq as well), famous for their torture, human rights violations, and surveillance of Syrians.

On a flight somewhere in the Middle East, the pilot declares that the plane is overlo...

What do you call a group of communist psychologists passed out drunk?

A collective unconscious.

I just realized today Jack and the Beanstalk is a communist story.

It’s all about seizing the beans of production.

Why does communists have toxic relationships?

Because they run into red flags.

What do you call a passive communist country?

The so-be-it union (one of my original jokes)

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

Why are Communists bad Java programmers?

They don't like classes.

I'm pretty sure I'm a communist...

Because I want to share my cake day with you guys

Remember that time Ohm got drunk at a Communist convention?

He made a long-winded speech about the dielectric.

I’m a little suspicious of my roommate always offering to sell me old communist memorabilia.

It’s a big red flag for me.

I took my wife to the beach today and now she’s mad at me. I thought she wanted to watch me drop frozen waffles along the shore and trick a bunch of communists into eating them.

After all, I could’ve sworn she said her dream was to see the sandy Eggo commie con.

My wife threatened to leave me if I couldn't stop correcting her about Russian Communist terminology.

I told her Soviet.

A double amputee walks into a Communist prosthetic's shop and says...

Two arms, Comrade.

What is a communist grave called?

A maosoleum

I don’t know how the Chinese fell for Mao and the communist party

I mean, there were a freakin ton of red flags.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First they came for the Communists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Communist.

Then they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a trade unionist.

By the time they got to me, they didn't have any jizz left, so they couldn't come for me.

Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?

He was Stalin.

I discovered that my boyfriend is a communist spy.

I guess I could have noticed this sooner, but chose to ignore the red flags.

I think my math teacher is a communist

Because she keeps talking about Engels

Communist Party centenary live:

**China has never ‘oppressed’ another country and never will, Xi says**

Do you know why the communist takeover of russia lasted more than a year?

It took more than one revolution.

What does a romantic bachelor and The Chinese Communist Party have in common?

They will both steal your heart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Communists and Trump supporters really aren't all that different...

They both want a world with no class.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

What’s the best thing about working in a communist country?

You can chuck a sickle whenever you like.

Who is the communist leader of r/Jokes ?

Chairman Lmao

Do you know why you should never hire a communist employee?

Because they only work in theory

What does a very convincing communist and a psychopath have in common?

People leave them with big red flags

What did the communist clock say about the land?

Hours.

Why can't Communists be programmers?

Because there is a hierarchy of classes, inheritance, and private properties

Why Don't Communists Like School?

Because they have always get bad Marx.

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".

He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".

He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You ...

My great grandfather was a communist...

His nickname was "popsickle"

What is a Communists favorite musician?

Cher

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