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What is the similarity between a communist and an IT technician?

They both believe restarting it might work.

Communists make the best snipers

They're natural Marx men.

A Chinese man, a communist and a spy walk into a bar.

He orders a drink.

whats the most common disease among communists?

Hammer and sickle cell anemia.

What do you call a drunk communist?

Hammered and sickled.

A communist and his friend walk into an antique store

His friend said:

“Woah,look at this really fancy cone glass thing with the sand!,its mine!”

The communist said:

no


Its Hourglass

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A Russian communist is lying on his deathbed

His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says,

"Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh, no worries buddy," says Dimitri.

The Commu...

A communist, a nationalist, and a Ba'athist are on a plane... | A popular Syrian joke

**Disclaimer**: The Ba'ath Party (tr. *revival party)* is the murderous ruling party of Syria (and at one point, Iraq as well), famous for their torture, human rights violations, and surveillance of Syrians.

On a flight somewhere in the Middle East, the pilot declares that the plane is overlo...

What did the communist cat say?

Mao

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How does a Communist lose their virginity?

They seize the means of reproduction.

The only funny communist jokes are...

... the ones that everyone gets.

My cat is a Communist.

Because everytime I see him, he says 'Mao'.

What's it called when two communists begrudgingly get married?

The So be it Union

What’s the difference between a communist dictatorship and a crime syndicate?

One is organized.

Why do communists take their time doing everything?

Because it's not minutes, it's hours comrade.

Looking back I should never have become a communist

all the red flags were there

Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony.

One turns to the other and asks “Have you read Marx?” The second replies “yes, it’s these damn wicker chairs!”

What's the best way to single-handledly kill a bunch of communists?

Communism

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Sorry everyone, the weekly reading of the Communist Manifesto has been canceled.

My parents are remodeling their basement.

I think my cats are communists

They expect free food and keep talking about Mao.

What do you call a hand job from a communist?

Seizing the means of reproduction.

How do you stop a Communist dictator from charging?

Freeze his foreign bank accounts.

What do you call a group of communist psychologists passed out drunk?

A collective unconscious.

I just realized today Jack and the Beanstalk is a communist story.

It’s all about seizing the beans of production.

Do you know what you get when you tie two Communist table napkins together?

A Serviette Union

Communist puns are great and all, but too many of them are just replacing the word "marks" with "Marx."

If you want to be original, you should really approach them from some different Engels.

Generally, when Communist countries get patriotic…

it’s a big red flag

In Communist China you don't use iMessage

You use WeChat

Why don’t communists go to school?

Because the classes are divided

Guys, I think my cat is a communist!

He won't stop talking about Mao!

What do communists and the male g-spot have in common?

They're both prostate.

Three prisoners of communist regime

Three prisoners are in one cell and they talk about why they are here.

First guy: "My watch was always 10 minutes late, so I was always late for work and they locked me up for betrayal."

Second guy: "My watch was always 10 minutes early, so I was always 10 minutes early to work and the...

Remember that time Ohm got drunk at a Communist convention?

He made a long-winded speech about the dielectric.

How did communists light their homes before candles?

With electricity.

I don’t know how the Chinese fell for Mao and the communist party

I mean, there were a freakin ton of red flags.

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Two Communist leaders - one happy, one sad - met in a hallway

"Boris, why the long face?", the happy one asked. "Cheer up!"

"Easy for you to say, Andrei", the sad one replied. "I've just been given an order from the very top. I'm supposed to figure out which of the Party members are secretly Christians and arrest them. But how am I supposed to do that?"...

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What do you call a communist couple having sex after their first date?

Russian things.

What do you name an American, Communist Pirate Ship?

The U.S.S. ARRRGH

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Xi Jinping was on his balcony during the early morning, admiring all that Bejing has become

He inhaled a sweet breath of fresh Bejing air and looked East to see the sun smiling down.

"Hello, Sun", said Xi Jinping.

The sun replied "Hello Glorious Leader, the architect of a grand Communist Utopia. Best wishes leading your already prosperous nation."

Xi Jinping, despite h...

A double amputee walks into a Communist prosthetic's shop and says...

Two arms, Comrade.

I ended things with my communist girlfriend.

Too many red flags.

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First they came for the Communists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Communist.

Then they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a trade unionist.

By the time they got to me, they didn't have any jizz left, so they couldn't come for me.

Why are communists always late to events?

Because they’re Stallin’!

JK. It’s cause they starved to death.

Everyone knows the famous communist Karl Marx.

But I bet you never knew the inventor of the starter pistol was his sister, Onya.

A joke I heard while working in China a few years ago

A Chinese state-owned container ship is highjacked by pirates. A Chinese Communist Party official is sent to negotiate.

The pirates’ leader, waving his gun, shouted: “the ransom is TEN MILLION dollars! Or everyone on the ship will die!”

The official responded, calmly: “I will give you ...

I need help with a 17 year old joke about Jello and Communism

So my friend and I started this game 17 years ago where you have to come up with a jello (we altered the rules to allow *some* pastries) that fit a communist theme.

Everytime we come up with a new one we swear there are none left. I know he cheats, cos I cheat too. My sister came up with Ban...

What does a romantic bachelor and The Chinese Communist Party have in common?

They will both steal your heart.

I’m a little suspicious of my roommate always offering to sell me old communist memorabilia.

It’s a big red flag for me.

I discovered that my boyfriend is a communist spy.

I guess I could have noticed this sooner, but chose to ignore the red flags.

Communist Party centenary live:

**China has never ‘oppressed’ another country and never will, Xi says**

What is a communist grave called?

A maosoleum

Do you know why the communist takeover of russia lasted more than a year?

It took more than one revolution.

USSR time, a man came to KGB office

USSR time, a man came to KGB office.
Man: I lost my parrot.
Officer: we got nothing to do with that, but you can report lost pet to Militia (Police).
Man: well, I just want to say I don't share my parrots opinion about general secretary and the communist party.

Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?

He was Stalin.

Why does the communist economy always fail?

Because they cease the means of production.

Communists jokes on internet aren't memes

They're ourours

What do you call a communist doing yoga?

Stretch Marx

I'm pretty sure I'm a communist...

Because I want to share my cake day with you guys

What does a very convincing communist and a psychopath have in common?

People leave them with big red flags

They say everything you read and see is propaganda. I disagree.

And if you don’t, then you’re a communist.

Why Don't Communists Like School?

Because they have always get bad Marx.

I think my math teacher is a communist

Because she keeps talking about Engels

Why do communists hate schools?

Because schools have classes

Communist party gathers, main speaker is Stalin. Someone sneezes.

Stalin: Comrades, who sneezed?

Silence.

Stalin: I ask again, comrades, who sneezed?

Silence intensifies.

Stalin: Shoot down first row!

Guards spray the first row with bullets.

Stalin: Comrades, i ask AGAIN, who sneezed?

Dead silence.

Stalin: Sh...

The main goal of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union...

was to make sure the line for Lenin's Mausoleum was longer than the line for bread.

Do you know what Mao, the first leader of communist China, becomes when he laughs

LMAO

What did the communist clock say about the land?

Hours.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me

The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:

"If ...

Why do communists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

Why are communists considered left?

Because they can't do anything right

What do you call a passive communist country?

The so-be-it union (one of my original jokes)

Say what you like about China...

[This post has been removed by the Communist Party of China (CPC) of the People's Republic of China at the discretion of General Xi Jinping]

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Hey baby are you a Communist?

Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.

What do vegan communists really, really enjoy?

the soyviet union.

My great grandfather was a communist...

His nickname was "popsickle"

My Cat is very smart and can talk

I asked him who was the communist former president of the People's Republic of China and he said "Mao".

What did communists get around back in the day?

The prolechariot!

The problem with being a hot communist is that...

...everyone wants a piece of you.

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A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

In soviet Russia...

The President of Soviet Russia visited the U.S. After a long day of negotiations at the White House, the U.S. President asks his soviet colleague, what he would like for dinner. The Soviet President replied, that he would love to try the brains of an American.

A couple month later, the U....

How you know time is a communist construct?

Because it is measured in hours.

What do Chinese Communists say instead of “lol”?

L-MAO.

What happens when you get a Communist to play "spin the bottle"?

Famine.

Why is the stoner communist always top of his class?

Because he gets high Marx

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russian jokes under communism

To alleviate the perennial shortages of butter, The Politburo of the Communist Party ordered the Soviet scientists to develop a technology for converting shit into butter, and to complete this project on or before the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution. After six months of work, t...

What is a Communists favorite musician?

Cher

What do relationship advice and communist propaganda have in common?

There are loads of red flags involved.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm never going to my therapist again!

me: I'm afraid of communists

therapist: would you like to share more?

What do you call an arranged marriage between two apathetic communists?

The so be it union.

If Kanye West actually won the US Election and became the president, I think he would turn America into a communist nation.

Because he believes no one man should have all that power.

Why can't Communist drive manual cars?

Cause they keep Stalin.

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