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Necessarily Jokes

My last girlfriend said I was un-necessarily mysterious

Or did she?

Turns out a vasectomy doesn't necessarily stop you having a child.

It just changed the colour.

As you grow up, you will start to see that people morality is not necessarily connected to their relation with the law.

While the outlaws are bad, the in-laws can be much worse.

A man and his wife are travelling through the United States, when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. "KISS-a-me," says the husband. "That's wrong," says the wife, "The right way to say it is kis-A-me." "Not necessarily," says the husband, "It could also be kis-a-ME."

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide t...

Divorce Judgement

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation o...

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Once upon a time, there was a little sparrow who decided to be different from all the other birds by not flying south for the winter.

Needless to say, it soon got so cold that the little bird reluctantly started south anyway. A storm blew in, the little bird grew cold, and ice formed on his wings which caused him to fall to the ground in a barnyard. A cow wandered by and shit on him. This may seem terrible, but it warmed the po...

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...short story..

Last night I was watching an old Stalone / Banderas / Moore movie - Assassins, where Julianne Moore is telling a nice and old story that is worth following...

Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so c...

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The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informant...

What is the difference between accident and disaster?

If a person drowns, it's an accident, but not a disaster.
If the whole top government of russia dies in an airplane crash, it's a disaster but not necessarily an accident...

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read….

"The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

Why do Americans still use imperial measurement system where almost the entire world has transitioned to metric?

Not necessarily, they've been using 9mm at schools.

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Worried

"Doctor, Doctor, I'm so worried," said the anxious man. "Both my wife and I have black hair, but our son's just been born with red hair. Do you think something funny has been going on?"
"Not necessarily," replied the doctor.
"How many times do you have sex?"
"About 5 times a year."
"Well...

A rabbi and a Catholic priest seat together in a bus and start talking about ranks in the Catholic church...

- "So after becoming bishop and maybe archbishop, they can be appointed as cardinals?", asked the Rabbi.
- "That's right.", replied the priest.
- "And only cardinals can become pope?", continued the Rabbi.
- "Not necessarily, but usually yes.", said the priest.
- "And what's next? Can s...

Vegans

A t-Rex met a vegan one day who claimed that she knew the Rex, but he never met herbivore.



Alright I know it’s bad, but I don’t carrot at all. I’ve bean at worse places before.


Btw I would like to state that I believe people can choose to eat whatever they want, and being a...

The advantages of breast milk

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper.

The question directed: 'Give four advantages of breast milk.' What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1...

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A Polish man moved to America and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following ...

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Confucius did NOT say

>Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

>Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

>Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

>Woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom

>Squirrel who runs up woman’s' ...

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I didn't learn much from Mario Party 64, but I did learn that...

the button mashing and joy stick rotation techniques don't necessarily translate well to the bedroom.

A man comes to Jail.

His new cellmate warns him to drop the soap while showering. As expected, the new inmate falls down the Soap while showering. He looks around and wants to pick it up. Suddenly a big shadow appears. A bear of a man stands behind him and asks: "With spit or without?" The new inmate answers in total fe...

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Corporate Lesson #3

A bird is late to fly south for the winter, and when his wings start to freeze, he lands in a barnyard. The bird is pretty irritated (an angry bird, perhaps) with his situation - when all of a sudden a cow shows up and takes a huge crap on him.

At first, the bird becomes even more upset, b...

What’s the difference between redneck newlyweds and two variables in a dataset?

The variables aren't necessarily related.

An atheist buys an Ancient Roman Catholic lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it.

Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I'll grant you three wishes, Master."

The atheist says, "I wish I could believe in you." The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him.

The atheist says, "Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this." The genie snaps his f...

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The Russian Winter

One cold winter night in Russia, a small sparrow was wandering along the middle of a snowy road looking for warmth. After many hours of struggling through the frozen wasteland, it finally collapsed in the middle of the rode and began to freeze to death.

Just as the bird was about to lose cons...

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Times are hard at the small office....

...and the manager needs to make a difficult decision to reduce headcount.
He has two employees in consideration; the first employee, Jack, has been with the firm for 20 years. He's rock solid, is a top performer, and is a real team player.

The other employee was only recently hired: she'...

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Four men are out golfing...

Four men are out golfing one day, when at one point they ask one of the guys to go fetch them some beers, which he does so. The remaining three men start a conversation about their sons.

"My son is a successful realtor. He just got a new house last week!" Says the first man.

"That's no...

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A bird is shivering on the fence of a barnhouse on a cold evening...

...A dog passes by, on seeing the bird grabbed it carefully with its teeth and places it in a heap of freshly laid cow dung on the floor of the barn an plodded off. The bird who was already cold became quite pissed at the dog, it tried to move but the dung was too thick. It then felt the warmth of t...

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Some tidbits for your pleasure

I'm wearing the boxers with the little hearts all over them tonight....
It's probably not a good night to go to jail.

Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.

Probably should not have driven home from the bar last night.. especially considering I walked...

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An original math feghoot.

There are enough people in the world now who require catheters for medical reasons for the devices to have become the targets of fetishes. At least some of these catheter fetishists are also practitioners of free love, and it's not unusual for them to get together with (relatively) large numbers of...

Simple instructions from an English teacher for a great essay.

1. Don't use no double negatives.
2. Don't abbrev.
3. Personally, in my opinion, a writer or essayist should not make use of too many words or phrases which he does not necessarily need in many cases.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. Dont, use, commas, when they are, unnecessary.
6. Ke...

Chick magnet

Sam was a simple fellow, socially awkward, not very attractive, but he had high hopes for meeting girls on his long-awaited Florida vacation. Every day, he went to the beach in hopes of meeting someone special, but every day he was disappointed because all the girls seemed to hang around one certain...

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

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