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Exact Jokes

There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.

Small children and 39 year old's.

My grandfather knew the exact time, date, and year that he was going to die.

He wasn’t psychic. The judge told him.

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.

I know, because I kept a log.

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

The cost of joining the Roman Numeral Society was exactly $499

They wouldn't let me in because I didn't have ID...

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Poop jokes aren't exactly my favorite

but they're a solid number two!

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...

and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

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Isn't this whole Ashley Madison hack exactly what their users wanted?

To get fucked by a third party?

What exactly is an acorn?

Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.

My point exactly.

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day ...

What do you call two octopuses that look exactly the same?

Itenticle.

Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of.

Me: What?

Doctor: Skeletons

Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

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Did you know that on the Canary Islands, there's not a single canary? And in the Virgin Islands, same exact thing! There's not a single...

...canary.

Every summer I get bit by exactly one thousand and twenty four bugs

My wife told me to get over it cause it was just one byte.

An artist created an exact portrait of me just by projecting saliva onto the canvas

It was my spitting image

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike

There is plenty fish in the sea, but until I find one, I am stuck here holding my rod.

Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly?

HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.

My granddad died at exactly 3:45, and at precisely the same time his grandfather clock stopped.

"That's amazing."

"Not really. That's when it fell on top of him."

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich and a cat behind him..

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

It's the exact same movie.

Did you know that if you watch the movie 'Tenet' in reverse...

What animal has exactly 12 grams of carbon?

A mole

I still remember the exact moment when I found out that JFK was assassinated.

On the internet, checking out his Wikipedia page.

My uncle's death was predicted, he was told the exact day, and the exact time he would die. It happened as predicted.

The judge told him.

Any more oxymorons?

* Only choice
* Civil war
* Definite possibility
* Grow smaller
* Random order
* Old news
* True fiction
* Virtual reality
* Working vacation
* Exact estimate
* Original copies
* Pretty ugly
* Fully empty

My Egyptian friend and I have the exact same farts

Toot in common

While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, "How old are they?"

The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's a rather exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

"Well," answers the guard, "The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and tha...

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My girlfriend's pussy smells exactly like roses...

But, Rose's is much tighter.

My hot female doctor said I was sweet!!

Her exact words were, severely diabetic, but I know what she meant..

I have a shirt with 120 tiny pockets that fit exactly one mint each....

It's my Tic Tactical vest.

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(NSFW) Much like fingerprints, no two man's testicles are exactly the same

That is to say, there's usually a vas deferens between them

On May 5th I woke up at exactly 5:05 AM.

At 5:55 I left my apartment (apartment 505 on 55 5th St), hopped on the number 5 bus, and paid a $5 fare to go to work.

5 minutes later, I arrived at 555 5th street and rushed to my office in room 505.

After I'd been working for 5 hours, I realized that I'd experienced a lot of 5's tha...

I don't understand why people pay for things with exact dollar amounts...

... It makes no cents.

Where exactly are you taking me doctor?

-Where exactly are you taking me doctor?

-To the morgue.

-What? But, I'm not dead yet.

-And we are not there yet!

Which body of water always gives the exact details?

The Specific Ocean.

Did you know most reptiles can tell exactly what you weigh just by looking at you?

They have built in scales

There's a theory that people don't see the exact same colors

Does that mean
*color is a pigment of you imagination*

huehuehuehue

I lost my favorite hat and I decided to go to church to snag my buddy’s who has the exact same one

I figured he’d never suspect me…

The priest came over after the service and asked how I liked his sermon..

I said I have to be honest…

I just came today specifically to take my buddy’s hat…

So the priest said, you must have heard me talk about the Ten Commandments, espec...

My stomach looks exactly like it's supposed to ...

It's abnormal.

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Not exactly for everyone

Elderly couple go to a sex therapist. The guy says, “We have a problem. We don’t think we can do it right. Can you advise?”

The therapist says she will watch them make love on his couch and advise them. When they have finished she says, “You both did very well; there was no problem, really...

Two men die at exactly the same time

When they get to the pearly gates St. Peter tells them that rules are rules and he can only allow one of them to enter, but to keep it fair, he’ll allow the one who can come up with a poem with the last line Timbuktu. The men think a while, and the first man says “OK, I’ve got mine!” St. Peter says ...

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Guts and Balls aren't exactly the same thing

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've
heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls.
Do they however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British
Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS...

Exactly 2,417,529 people in NYC got married last year.

Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

I can tell the exact time just by looking at the Sun...

Although after a while it gets spotty.

Why does the Irishman always put exactly 239 beans in his soup?

Because one more would be too farty.

Jared from Subway was hired and fired for the exact same reason.

He loved to eat fresh

Dad, that coin looks exactly like mine

Ohhh, it's a coincidence honey

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My Ex called me a sex machine

Well. her exact words were "fucking tool" but I knew what she meant.


Taken from Tinder bio post...

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I realized that Tinder is the exact opposite of most websites in porn website ads.

There’s tons of hot single ladies in my area, but none of them want to fuck me.

A man saw a gorgeous flight attendant sitting alone reading the paper in an international airport.

He couldn’t quite pin down the exact airline, but he wanted to show off as a man of the world. He tried by saying Air France’s old motto. ‘Making the sky the best place on earth!’ The stewardess gave him the side eye but otherwise ignored him. Undeterred, he tried Singapore Airlines’. ‘A great way t...

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

What do you call a friend who sounds exactly like you?

A homie-nym.

This sentence contains exactly threeee erors.

The third error? The fact that there are only two errors.

The fourth error? Running this gag

The words I'm sorry and I apologize mean the exact same thing...

...well except at funeral.

A Geologist from Alabama could tell you the chronological order of Sandstone Layers, but not their exact ages

You could see they're into Relative Dating.

...

*Sigh*

I know you expected that punchline. My apologies, when I'm under pressure my sediment jokes turn a little schist.

Please stay gneiss in the comments.

In Madré Rossiya, it's illegal to manufacture storage drives with exact capacity of 1000 GigaBytes

Cause the KGB takes identity theft seriously

I didn't exactly ace my "capture the wasp" exam.

I got a bee.

A sign on a restaurant window says "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win one million dollars"

A man walking by notices the sign and walks in the restaurant and sits down at the table with a smirk on his face. The waiter asks what he will be having and the man says "I will have white rhinoceros stew please." The waiter comes out with a boiling hot bowl of exactly what the man ordered. The man...

Why do Redditors pay with exact change?

They can't stand a Nickleback!

If you had your social security number in exact dollars how much money would you have?

I'd have 314,159,265

My girlfriend is exactly like my mother:

looks like her, talks like her, dresses like her.

I took her home.

My father didn't like her.

Putin won the election with 76.6% of the vote

Funnily enough the exact same percent I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious

Why do exactly British people pronounce it "Bri'ish"?

Because they drank all the T.

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A women goes to the doctor because her butt hurts...

Doctor: " Where does it hurt exactly?"

Women: " At the entrance."

Doctor: "Well lady if you keep calling it an entrance then it's going to keep hurting"

My older son looks exactly like me

\- That's an example of genetic factor.

My younger son looks like my neighbor.

\- That's an example of social influence.

A classic joke from Ronald Regan (Not exactly accurate)

There are two Russians in the Soviet Union talking to each other and a curfew is about to be enforced

The two men say goodbye to each other and just as they do a soviet soldier walks over to the both of them and shoots one of the men dead

The other man says “Why did you shoot him?” <...

I saw a magician who could make anything weigh exactly 28.3 grams.

His stage name is "The Wizard of Oz."

I did not give the cashier an exact amount of money.

Don't worry. Change is coming.

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A guy walks into a bar, followed by an ostrich, followed by a cat.

All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, “What’ll ya have?” The man says, “Gimme a beer.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have one too.” The cat says, “I want two beers, but I’m only gonna pay half price.” The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, “that’ll be $12....

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Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact.

On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.


One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.


"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got ...

What do you call it when you poke someone’s head on the exact spot that causes their head to explode?

Acupuncture

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What exactly is sexy about BDSM??

Beats me.

A refrigerator is the exact opposite of a drug addict.

It starts off in a box and then moves to a house.

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My sex life is exactly like my shopping.

I do it all online.

Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.

It was a brief case.

stewardess on my flight wasn’t holding back. telling everyone exactly what she thought.

walking down the aisle, looking right at everyone, saying “trash” “trash” “trash”

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?" asked the one.

"Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

Today, I met Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother, Broco Lee.

I met a few of his cousins too;

The one who can't take a joke, Serious Lee.

The one is always there last minute, Sudden Lee.

The one who doesn't understand Metaphors, Literal Lee.

The one who is always throwing shade, Sarcastic Lee.

The one who is so sure of himsel...

What exactly separates man from animal?

Divorce.

somewhere there's a tree shaped exactly like a chicken and the locals pull on the branches for good luck...

The whole ceremony is called poultry or something like that...

What exactly is dissassociative identity disorder?

I've heard of it but don't know what it means?

A seven foot tall woman who looks exactly like Al Gore’s wife walks into a bar

Bartender says, “I’ll bet she’s a big Tipper.”

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50....

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Not exactly a joke, butthe usually get a great reaction. Caution: not for use with those who lack basic math skills.

Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.

Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you hav...

Turns out my friend bought the exact same shoes as me

I guess you could say we're sole sisters

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

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I have to pee at the exact same time every night.

It's like cockwork.

Exactly !

90 year man: My 30 year wife is pregnant, your opinion doctor?

Dr: Let me tell you a story..
A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrella instead of gun.He moves in to the jungle,sees a lion,lifts the umbrella,pulls the handle &BANG.. the lion drops dead.!
Old man: That's impossible,...

A man rented an uber and and the cabbie arrived exactly on time

The passenger said: "wow you are so punctual just like frank"
Cabbie: excuse me?

Passenger: frank is a great guy, always on time, knows the best restaurants, wear the best clothes, always keeps his promises and never ever treat his family badly.

Cabbie: so is frank your friend or......

I may have witnessed the exact moment my high school became racist.

It's when they changed all the blackboards into whiteboards. There's no way they could just chalk it up.

After many thousands of hours of research, a team of scientists at Loughborough University have finally managed to pinpoint the exact time of day a woman is likely to begin an argument.

Any.

How do you call an asian who always has the exact change?

*Exact Lee*

Donald Trump is visiting a school

In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence.

One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy."

"No," Tru...

There is exactly one pro and one con thing about Windows.

Pro: You can name a folder "pro".

Con: You can't name a folder "con".

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I always have exactly 8 Strength in video games

Because I'm not gay.

A man in an interrogation room says "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where's my present?

I know exactly what’s gonna happen next year

I have 20 20 vision!

A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop...

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”

“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”

The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I nee...

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Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip…

Heisenberg, Schrödinger, and Ohm are on a road trip, and they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him, “Do you know how fast you were going?”

“No, but I know exactly where I am” Heisenberg replies.

The cop says “You were going 80 miles an hour.” Heisenberg throws up...

What were the odds in 1957 of being the exact stray dog chosen to be the first living thing in space?

Laika million to one

Exactly 22 years ago Princess Diana was on the radio...

...She was also on the windshield, dashboard, and glovebox.

A particle goes into a bar with exactly 20 km/h

We don't know where it is anymore.

A man goes into a restaurant with an ostrich

They sit down and order:

'I'd like a hamburger, fries and a Coke,' says the man, then turns towards the ostrich. 'And you?'

'The same', says the ostrich.

A few minutes later, the waitress brings the food and the bill.

'$6.40,' she says.

The man takes out the exact ...

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