My uncle's death was predicted, he was told the exact day, and the exact time he would die. It happened as predicted.

The judge told him.

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs.....

"Just five minutes more."

I met an Irishman who cooked beans and he would just use exactly 239 beans per pot. I asked him, why? He said

If I added just one more bean, it would be too farty!

John was excited to move into his new condo which was exactly below Dwayne Johnson's apartment. But soon he became ignorant & oblivious to things happening around him. Why?

Because John was living under The Rock.

Why do exactly British people pronounce it "Bri'ish"?

Because they drank all the T.

I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with my posture

but I have a hunch

I didn't exactly ace my "capture the wasp" exam.

I got a bee.

A Geologist from Alabama could tell you the chronological order of Sandstone Layers, but not their exact ages

You could see they're into Relative Dating.

...

*Sigh*

I know you expected that punchline. My apologies, when I'm under pressure my sediment jokes turn a little schist.

Please stay gneiss in the comments.

What do you call a python which is exactly 3.14m long ?

A πthon

In Madré Rossiya, it's illegal to manufacture storage drives with exact capacity of 1000 GigaBytes

Cause the KGB takes identity theft seriously

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 feet long ?

A pi-thon

Life Pro Tip ~ if you start watching, "When Harry Met Sally" at exactly 11:15 pm on New Year's Eve, when the clock strikes midnight...

You'll still be just as single as when you started the movie...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.

I know, because I kept a log.

“My bad” and “I’m sorry” mean the exact same thing!

Unless you’re at a funeral.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not exactly for everyone

Elderly couple go to a sex therapist. The guy says, “We have a problem. We don’t think we can do it right. Can you advise?”

The therapist says she will watch them make love on his couch and advise them. When they have finished she says, “You both did very well; there was no problem, really...

I loaned my girlfriend $100 sometime soon after we met. After 3 years, when I broke up with her, she returned exactly $100.

I guess I just lost interest in that relationship.

Policeman: How could you kill...

...69 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver: I was driving at 80km/h when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realized they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into t...

A man and a woman hailed the same cab at the exact same time…

“Pardon me,” said the man. “You go ahead. I’m only going to the restaurant row. I’ll grab the next one.”

“Restaurant row?” the woman responded. “What a crazy coincidence! That’s where I’m headed as well. Maybe we can split the fare?”

“Oh, no thanks. I’m going to this little hole-in-the...

Exactly 50% of Roger Federer’s name is ‘er’!

That’s it, that’s the joke! ;)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I realized that Tinder is the exact opposite of most websites in porn website ads.

There’s tons of hot single ladies in my area, but none of them want to fuck me.

My older son looks exactly like me

\- That's an example of genetic factor.

My younger son looks like my neighbor.

\- That's an example of social influence.

There is exactly one pro and one con thing about Windows.

Pro: You can name a folder "pro".

Con: You can't name a folder "con".

A classic joke from Ronald Regan (Not exactly accurate)

There are two Russians in the Soviet Union talking to each other and a curfew is about to be enforced

The two men say goodbye to each other and just as they do a soviet soldier walks over to the both of them and shoots one of the men dead

The other man says “Why did you shoot him?” <...

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

I can tell the exact time just by looking at the Sun...

Although after a while it gets spotty.

Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea,

but until i find one, i’m stuck here holding my rod.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant

A man and a chicken walk into a small restaurant, they sit down, and the waitress takes their order, the man says "I'll have a number 5 with a large coffee", and the chicken says "I will have that as well". When they finished their meal, the man walks up to the counter to pay, and he reaches into hi...

Which body of water always gives the exact details?

The Specific Ocean.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One year for christmas I got a lump of coal from santa..

So, the next year I decided to poison the bastard.
Unfortunately, somehow.. he must have found out my plan.. Cause when I woke up the next day, he had killed my dad with the exact same poison I had used..
Learn from my mistake people.. Don't mess with santa

Jared from Subway was hired and fired for the exact same reason.

He loved to eat fresh

We learned about oxymorons.

It was very fun, there were many examples.


freezer burn, original copy, exact estimate, truthful politician, caring insurance, Microsoft Works, and more!

She went missing !

Husband: My wife is missing. She went mountain biking yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 25 and 35. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weig...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Analysts are now predicting an exact worldwide repeat of the COVID-19 spread 18 months from now and there is nothing we can do to prevent it

It will be 2022.

What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? –

Itenticle.

A Farmer greets Joseph Stalin at his Potato Farm.

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

A man walks into a bar.

Sitting down next to a second man, he orders an eye-watering combination of milk curdled with lemon juice mixed with their cheapest whiskey and run.

The second man is taken aback and says that's what he is drinking too!

"You must be a serial killer to like that kind of drink" the first...

A child asks his mum:

Child: Mum, what's a dark joke?

Mum: You see that guy with no arms? Go and ask him to clap.

Child: But mum I'm blind!

Mum: Exactly.

A few years back there was a spike of interest in games that were played with a racket and a ball. I don’t recall exactly what year...

...but it was around two thousand and tennish

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man who looks exactly like Conway Twitty has car trouble and goes looking to use a phone...

He gets to a neighborhood, knocks on the first door he comes to. A woman answers the door.

"Oh my God, you're Conway Twitty!" She shouts.

"No ma'am, I hear that all the time, but I'm not him, my car broke down, may I use your phone?"

"Well if you're not him, you're not using my ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teenager got pregnant and the mom asked how it happened.

She said: "You told me that when Mike wants to unbutton my shirt and I don't have protection, I should tell him, 'Don't!'. And if he puts his hand in my pants, I should say, 'Stop!' "

The mom said, "Exactly."

Well, he was undoing the buttons, while his hand was in my pants. So I said,...

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces his height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago but I don't know where I am"

The man below says "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet ...

My girlfriend of two years dumped me on her birthday. I dont know why she was so mad, I got her EXACTLY what she asked for; 10 cents and a bell...

...upon further reflection, I may have misunderstood "a dime and ring", my bad.

Doctor my bottom hurts.

Doc: "Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?"

P: "Right around the entrance."

Doc: "As long as you call it entrance it will hurt."

I'm not exactly sure why my posture is so bad but I have a hunch.

I was skeptical when my chiropractor said she could fix it but I stand corrected.

I found ten rocks yesterday, all of which measured exactly 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

It was exactly five years ago today my little rex passed away. I put his lead on and took him out for his morning walk and he just dropped dead!

I loved that goldfish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day.

“Thank you for coming,” the son said. “It means so much.” “Of course I’d be here,” the mother replied. “It’s not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use the...

A time keeper at a factory is in charge of blowing the whistle for the lunch break at noon.

When it's almost noon he looks at his watch and right when it strikes 12pm he blows the whistle.

One day he bumps his watch against something and he fears that it is a little off.

Wanting to make sure that he can do his job correctly he decides to go get his watch set by a professional...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the ...

A constable receives notification about a theft from McGregor's farm near Nottingham. The dispatcher tells him that farmer McGregor reports the theft of 2033 pigs...

The constable starts writing the report, but decides to double-check the exact amount of the pigs. He calls McGregor and asks: "Mr McGregor, are you absolutely sure that there were 2033 pigs stolen?"


"Oh, yeth, conthtable, abtholutely!" McGregor answers.


The constable thanks hi...

Knock knock. Who’s there? Trump. Trump who?

Exactly. Happy Trumps Not President Anymore Day!

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Trump was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple goes to a sex therapist...

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," an...

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...

What were the odds in 1957 of being the exact stray dog chosen to be the first living thing in space?

Laika million to one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

Exactly 2,417,529 people in NYC got married last year.

Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Sherlock Holmes and Watson went camping

They set up their tent under the starry night sky.

In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes up his friend and says, "Watson look up at the stars and tell me what you can deduce."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars, and if even if only a few of them have planets, it's quite likely...

My girlfriend is exactly like my mother:

looks like her, talks like her, dresses like her.

I took her home.

My father didn't like her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy living in Kansas hears a voice in his head one day...

And this god like voice in his head says "LEAVE YOUR FAMILY, SELL EVERYTHING YOU OWN AND GO TO RENO, NEVADA"

The guy ignores it at first, and for as long as he can, but it just won't stop "SELL EVERYTHING, TAKE EVERY PENNY YOU HAVE, GO TO RENO"

So finally he can't take it anymore and h...

An optimist says the glass of wine is half full, the pessimist says it’s half empty, and the realist says it’s not one or the other, but exactly halfway filled.

Meanwhile while the three are arguing, the opportunist comes in and drinks the entire glass of wine.

What do you call a hairdo that will get you laid exactly 0 times?

A nullet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys chatting at the bar....

One says, "I committed an embarrassing faux pas this morning. Went to the travel agency to buy some plane tickets. The young girl had the most spectacular breasts and I accidentally asked for two plane-titties" His mate replies, "Oh yes. I did the exact same thing this morning. Went to ask my w...

A Halloween story A Hospital in Alabama got a lot of doctors and medical experts baffled over a string of deaths in an ICU at an exact time and same bed

Doctor 1: It's always 10am i tell you! Then it's Flatline!

Doctor 2: I have 3 patients that has a very good chance to live but also died on that same bed and at the same time.

Doctor 3: Mine too.

Doctor 4: I have a patient in there now and its almost 10am. Shall i get him away f...

What Do You Call Two Octopi That Looked The Exact Same

Itenticle

A physics professor retires and buys a lake house.

The first thing he does is build two long wooden platforms out over the lake. Every day he goes out with a bow and some arrows and stands on one of them while shooting arrows into the lake. One day a curious neighbor goes up to him and asks "what exactly are you doing?". The physicist replies "well ...

MOM: "No more TV until you finish your math homework!"

KID: "Aww, Mom! When am I ever gonna use math in real life? I'm gonna grow up to be a super rich rock star...I'll pay people to do math \*for\* me."
MOM: "Well, why didn't you say so? That's a wonderful goal! And I know exactly how to help you pursue it."


THE NEXT DAY
MOM:...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On a train in the Soviet Union

Three comrades travel in the same room in a long distance sleeper train. One comrade is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The first comrade decides to prank them. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he co...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and is lost

So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:

"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?"

- "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you'r...

Woman gets test results for her husband from the doctor

Doctor: Well, ma'am, your husband can live a long and healthy life, but we have to observe a strict regimen for him, or he won't. First, no agitation. His heart doesn't take that well, so you have to speak quietly and softly to him, don't require him to make any hasty moves, don't wake him rudely an...

A man goes to a countryside bed and breakfast and asks for a room to stay the night.

The elderly man behind the counter rings up the bill and hands him a room key. "Will that be all?"

"I'm gonna need a wake up call at 6:15am"

The elderly man nods - "no problem, we have a duck that quacks like a rooster at exactly 6:15am!"

"..oookay, thanks.."

Elderly m...

One day - a woman decides to save up money and get a facelift for herself

On her way home she stopped at a shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," he replied.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for...

Pete was having a tough day at work...

His boss was berating him for a simple mistake. His coworkers were irritable. Customers were condescending. The only thing getting him through the day was knowing that his new golf clubs were coming in the mail later that day. He finally gets to leave work and gets home. He cracks open his bee...

A peeny pinching dad was throwing his daughter a sweet 16 birthday

He wanted her to have a nice party but didn't want to spend a lot of money. He made all the arrangements at the bare minimum to satisfy his daughter's wishes, everything except the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an nice bakery?" his wife suggested.

He called all around town and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

News from School

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are s...

At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder..

..to find exactly 32 of them.

I was gonna comment on this weird thing my dog does where no matter how badly he has to go, he always waits until he gets to the exact same spot to go to the bathroom.

But then I realized I do the same thing, so who am I to criticize.

Drew is a security guard, and he has just been brought on to the team of up-and-coming British Pop Star, Chris "Anthem" Williamson.

Today is Drew's first day working with his new team. He meets with Finley, Chris's Stage Manager, to go over what he needs to know for the next gig.

Towards the end of his orientation, Finley tells Drew, "Lastly, Chris a bit of an eccentric fellow. He does NOT like to be disturbed when he's ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was masturbating yesterday, and came exactly at 12:00 AM

at the midnight stroke.

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

Laws of physics vs the law

Heisenberg, Shrodinger and Ohm were driving down a highway when they get pulled over by a cop. The cop asks Heisenberg if he knew how fast he was going, as you can surmise, he claimed he didn't know because he knew exactly where they were. The cop, finding this suspicious asks them to open the t...

A 90 year old woman decided to commit suicide.

She wanted to shoot herself in the heart but she wasn’t sure exactly where it was located on her body so she called the doctor and asked where her heart was. He told her it was directly under her left breast. So she shot her kneecap off.

Jesus and Moses are at the beach

Jesus and Moses are at the beach, enjoying their time down on earth they wanna see if they’ve still got it. So Moses walks up to the ocean, raises his hand and tries with all his might to part the sea. After a lot of effort Moses eventually manages to part the sea.

Then Jesus says “alright i...

A man buys a train ticket to go to New York City...

A man buys a train ticket to go to New York City on April 4. The ticket costs $44 and he notices that the ticket number is 4444. He finds the train at platform 4 and his seat is in train car 4, seat number 44. The train leaves at exactly 4:44.

When he arrives, he goes to the hotel that is on ...

Here's the best one I know. It's a bit long...but I have faith in you ;)

A doctor, a lawyer,and an engineer are sentenced to death. Why is not important to the story...what's important is that the death sentence will be carried out in France - via guillotine.

The doctor is first. The executioner straps him down, hoists the glittering blade aloft, and lets it drop....

Yesterday my wife pointed at the sky and said "Don't you think that looks exactly like Wonder Woman's plane"

But I didn't see it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Johnson has been having constant headaches ever since his teenage years. For years and years his doctor tries to cure him, but the headaches only get worse and worse.

Finally, one day, the doctor asks Mr. Johnson to undress. After inspecting Mr. Johnson's body, he sees the problem.

"You have an extremely rare condition," explains the doc. "Your testicles are pressed up against your spinal cord, giving you headaches. This condition has no known cause and on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !

Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex.

Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke?

Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encount...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and an ostrich walk into a bar...

The man asks for a beer and the bartender obliges.

"Ahem," says the ostrich. The bartender looks up at it. It nods its head at the beer in front of the man and says, "I'll have the same." Bartender shrugs and gets a second beer for the bird.

After a few hours of drinking in silence, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

Bob: Waiter, would you please come here?

Waiter: Yes sir, how may I help you?
Bob: Try the soup
Waiter: Is there something wrong sir? Because if so, we can replace the soup
Bob: Just try it
Waiter: Okay, where's the spoon?
Bob: Exactly.

"My grandfather knew the exact details of when and how he was going to die."

"Wow! How'd he know?"

"The judge told him."

My wife left me because every tangerine I bought had exactly five slices

She said I didn't have six a peel.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A traveler checked in at a hotel that advertised widely as offering

everything a client might desire.  The traveler at once called room service.  "I want to have brought to my room," he said, "a young virgin
between the ages of 18 and 19, who must have blonde hair and blue eyes. I also want sent up 4 pieces of strong rope, each exactly 4 feet in
length, and a ...

What exactly is an acorn?

Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.

One day on the playground at school, a little boy flashes a little girl...

He then says, "ha ha I've got one of these and you don't."

The little girl not bothered by this went on about her business.

This continues ever day for weeks. Finally the little girl has had enough and tells her mom. Her mom tells her exactly what to do.

The next day on the p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Career Week in the parochial school...

(OK, real old one but=)

It's Career Week in the parochial school. One day, when all the parents who've come to explain their jobs have done their presentations and gone, Sister Mary Domino has some time to kill, so she has the children stand up, one at a time, and say what THEY want to be wh...

What did the teacher call the Asian Kid who was known for his precision in math?

Exact Lee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man who looks like he's been traveling a while.

The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Can you do any manual farm work?", asked the farmer.

The man said, "A bit sure, but I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals."

"...sure you can," the farmer says. "But I could use a little he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Son, I think it's time to talk about pornography, as men."

"Son, I think it's time to talk about pornography, as men."

"What about it exactly?"

"How the hell do you delete the history so mother doesn't find out?"



(translated, sorry if not properly)

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'" The mother interrupts him.

''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Johnny and says, ''Tell daddy exactly what you told me...

After five years of marriage I can finally say I know exactly what gets my wife turned on...

...not much, as it turns out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last week I almost got robbed in the desert...

The robber shot my tires when I was driving and pulled me straight out of the car. He yelled "GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY RIGHT NOW!"

I responded "Wait wait wait, before you do, can you shoot my hat? I wanna prove to my family at home I was robbed."

The robber shrugged as I took off my hat ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Abdul went to a doctor

Abdul: Doctor I have severe pain in my ass.

Doctor: Where exactly is the pain?

Abdul: Just at the ass entrance.

Doctor: My dear Abdul, it's a exit. As long as you will keep considering it entrance, pain will be there.

What are college students around the world saying that was exactly what Jesus said 1987 years ago?

What a lousy way to spend Easter Vacation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.

“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.

The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.

“How much will it cost to buy everyone here a round of drinks?”, the man asks, taking a s...

A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car break down...

It’s the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company, “they said it’s going to be at least two hours.” They all stay in the car.


After a few minutes the Chemist tells the other three, “I’m pretty sure I know what happened......

I guess the Jokes on me...

I post a Joke on reddit and my joke gets 7 upvotes.

Days later... other people RE-POST my exact joke and get 6.7k upvotes.

A mathematician says to his friend 'I bet I can stretch my mouth so its exactly 1m in radius

His friend replies 'shut your pi hole'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How are weed and pussy the exact opposite?

If you can smell the weed from across the room, you know it’s the best

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy's wife faints one day, so he takes her to the hospital.

After a full day of tests on the wife, the doctor approaches the husband wearing a grave expression. He says: "I'm afraid I have some bad news. We know that it's either AIDS or Alzheimer's."

The husband breaks down, and says "Oh my god, what do I do? What do I do?"

The doctor replies: ...

A blond and a brunette jumped off the roof of a 10-story building at the exact same time. Who hit the ground first?

The brunette.

The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tale of two friends !!

One was a very bright student while the other one was quite dumb. The brighter one always helped the other passing exams be it a class test or end term exams. The teachers were quite furious with them and at last, called upon a meeting to discuss with the principal what could be done. All came to th...

A small town near Russia and Poland

There was a small town located along the frontier between Russia and Poland; no one was ever quite sure to which it belonged. One day an official treaty was signed and not long after, surveyors arrived to draw a border. Some villagers approached them where they had set up their equipment on a nearby...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw my friend Jim at the bar the other week looking almost exactly like Brad Pitt.

I came up to him and said.

"Jim! How'd you end up looking like that pal? Who's your surgeon?"

"No surgeon man, a wizard. He told me of this enchanted pool past the three mountains to the east. You will see a cliff with a pool underneath, jump off the cliff and shout what you want to l...

So, I was talking to my British friend.

I told him that I started watching some British TV. The name of what I saw was on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t exactly remember what it was.

He told me to describe it and I said, “you know, the one with the doctor.”

“Oh Doctor Who?”

“No, Dr No!”

“Oh, thanks but I’...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man has suffered severe headaches since his teenage years.

Man has suffered severe headaches since his teenage years. He is now in his 30s still suffering terrible headaches. Doctors have run every test known, tried every medicine but still the headaches continue.

Eventually the man finds himself another doctor who after a thorough examination tells ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The King of the Jungle

Everyone knows the Lion is the King of the Jungle, and as the King, is his duty to keep all his subjects in line. Well, one day he hears that the elephants are up to no good, so he starts making his way through the jungle. Occasionally he'll go by some of the other animals and roar out to them to fi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marital Advice

Mike was going to be married to Jane, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something....
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother,my wife and said, 'Here, try these on!

She did and said, 'These are...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three idiots, from the Midwest, I’ll have to call them idiots because their shenanigans were exactly that, idiotic...

Nothing to do with them being from the Midwest but more to do with the fact that they were midway into their cups.

One summer day as they lay in a field somewhere, taking in some sun, each with a half drunk bottle of wine in them they began to get bored.

Idiot No #1 says to idiots, #2 ...

There's a theory that people don't see the exact same colors

Does that mean
*color is a pigment of you imagination*

huehuehuehue

The lonely fish

Deep in the bamboo forest, there lived a tiny fish alone in a pond. Every day he swam around the pond in solitude. His little heart longed for a companion. He gradually became incredibly sad, he stopped eating and he started losing the color in his scales. A fairy, passing by, was taken with the pl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old friend of mine married a young girl

As we’re not exactly young ourselves, I was curious how he held up, and asked him how often they had sex.

“Almost every day,” he said.

“Almost every day?!” I exclaimed.

“Yes, almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday...”

the stutterer

So a guy with a stutter wants to ask his girlfriend to marry him. However, every time he tries, he gets nervous and stutters so badly he can barely get a word out. So he goes to a friend at work and asks for advice.

The friend says, "Here's what you do. Instead of coming right out and asking ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voodoo Dick.

There was a man that often went away on business trips. While he was away on his trips, his wife would get very... frustrated. So, before a long trip, the husband wanted to get his wife something special to help the 'lonliness' while he was away.

He went to his local sex shop, and talked to ...

Every time the train passes by, the wardrobe crumbles..

A woman living next to a train rail have her bedroom wardrobe crumble every time a train passes by, she got enough, called a carpenter to fix the problem for good. The man comes to her, enters the bedroom and checks to wardrobe.. '' I can't see what's causing this, I'm gonna have to get inside the t...

Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of.

Me: What?

Doctor: Skeletons

I took my father to the dentist.

My father is very old and frail, so he needs help when he leaves the house. The other day, I had to take him to the dentist.

Due to Covid-19 protocols, every person who went into the building had to have a temperature check. There was a lady and her mother in front of us, and when checked, t...

A man walks into a bar

A short man, with thick glasses, a calculator in is breast pocket, a huge notebook tucked under his arm, and a pencil behind his ears, walks into a bar.

At this bar they have a contest. On the bar counter is a large jar filled with 100s of dollars, and next to it is a basket of lemons.
...

There is an owl among us..

Friend: Who?

Me: Exactly, we have to be careful.. wait a second

There was a farmer who lived on 200 acres.

He owned sheep, cattle, horses and tons and tons of crops. One night, he heard wolves howling in the distant, and it kept him up all night. He woke up in the morning with bags under his eyes, his wife asked him “What’s wrong? Did you not get any sleep?” The farmer said “I kept hearing this howling n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact.

On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.


One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.


"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got ...

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his...

You won’t believe how easy it is to predict the future!

All you need to do is to look into a crystal ball, purchasable from my website for only $999!

You don’t believe me?

See? Exactly what I predicted!

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy...

Gomer – who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.“Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “Gomer, what is 1 and 1?” “11” he replied.The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but he’s right.”“What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?” “Today an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun, a hot blonde, a German and a Frenchman are sitting in a train compartment.

They don‘t know each other and are minding their own business. The train drives into a tunnel and it gets so dark in the compartment that you could not see your own hand in front of your eyes.

Suddenly a violently loud slapping noise rips into the silence. When the train leaves the tunnel ev...

What do you call a drone that looks exactly the same when you turn it around 180°?

A palindrone

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.