UPJOKE
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Exact Jokes

There are two kinds of people who care a lot about their exact age.

Small children and 39 year old's.

What do you call two octopuses that look exactly the same?

Itenticle.

An artist created an exact portrait of me just by projecting saliva onto the canvas

It was my spitting image

What looks exactly like a camel from a distance, but on close inspection isn't a camel at all?

a marlboro.

I had to go back to see my doctor today. I said, 'I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction.' 'Where exactly did you apply it?' he asked.

'On the bus' I replied

My granddad died at exactly 3:45, and at precisely the same time his grandfather clock stopped.

"That's amazing."

"Not really. That's when it fell on top of him."

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The navy trains dolphins

An elderly man rear ends a guy driving an expensive sports car.

Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car” he yells. “you’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a pulp!”

“Oh my” says the old man, I don't have that ...

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3 years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

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A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”

The man said, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?” The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.


When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them $80. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appo...

Any more oxymorons?

* Only choice
* Civil war
* Definite possibility
* Grow smaller
* Random order
* Old news
* True fiction
* Virtual reality
* Working vacation
* Exact estimate
* Original copies
* Pretty ugly
* Fully empty

After spending hours going over stories from people who got lost in the wild and reading survival guides and tips for wilderness living, I'm comfortable saying that I know exactly what I'll do if I ever find myself in the middle of a forest, miles from home with nothing but my wits to rely on.

I'll die.

The Pastor of the local church calls on the congregation for volunteers for Bible sales....

A gentleman with a severe stutter approaches the pastor after Sunday service.

"I-i-i... I-i-id like to v-v-v-v-vol-vol-vo-volunteer to s-s-s-se-sell b-b-b-bi-b-bibles, f-fff-f-f-fa-fa-father..."

"That would be wonderful, my son. We'll start you with one box. Please go door to door thr...

I still remember the exact moment when I found out that JFK was assassinated.

On the internet, checking out his Wikipedia page.

A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up

So, he opens the box and picks up a letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day.
<...

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superman is flying along....

When he spots wonderwoman through a window in a hotel, she's on the bed stark naked and looks to be having the time of her life...

He thinks to himself.. "I could fly in at the speed of light, give her a quick one and fly out again before she even knew what happened!"

So with a sly gri...

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The Green Dickie!

A nymphomaniac just couldn't get enough pleasure. Not from any man, nor any of the many toys she had collected over the years.

One day, while having coffee with a girlfriend, she told her friend about this problem. Her friend knew exactly what she needed, and gave her the name of a ...

I lost my favorite hat and I decided to go to church to snag my buddy’s who has the exact same one

I figured he’d never suspect me…

The priest came over after the service and asked how I liked his sermon..

I said I have to be honest…

I just came today specifically to take my buddy’s hat…

So the priest said, you must have heard me talk about the Ten Commandments, espec...

Cop on Patrol

A cop is patrolling at night and sees a car parked in lover’s lane.

He knocks on the window, when it’s rolled down he sees a guy in the front seat playing on his phone and a girl in the back seat reading a magazine.

The cop says “What’s going on here?”
The guy says, “nothing at all...

Audit

Once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeches to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie gets out and asks the shepher...

The cost of joining the Roman Numeral Society was exactly $499

They wouldn't let me in because I didn't have ID...

Chuck Norris's password is the last 9 digits of pi.

Chuck Norris can divide by 0.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice

Chuck Norris can cross a vector with a scalar

Chuck Norris is so tough he can draw a circle with exactly 100 degrees.

Chuck Norris is so badass he can find value of a variable in an expansion without fac...

Men are very sensitive..

Some construction workers are working on a high building early in the morning.

Sadly, Steve slips off a ledge, spirals down to the ground and is critically injured.

They attempt to save him with CPR, but there is a large hole in his skull that the blood keeps squirting out of, and he...

While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, "How old are they?"

The guard replies, "They are 73 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's a rather exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

"Well," answers the guard, "The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and tha...

Did you know most reptiles can tell exactly what you weigh just by looking at you?

They have built in scales

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You...

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3 guys awake after a night of sharing a bed

The guy on the rightmost side looks over to the other two, and says,
"I had the weirdest dream last night, I dreamt that I was getting jacked off!"
He looks down, and surely enough, there's cum stains.
The guy on the leftmost side exclaims,
"Weird! I had the exact same dream..."
He l...

In the 1930s, a farmer attempted to steal cows from a neighbouring farm.

He became a bit of a local legend. No one knew exactly why he stole them, and we still don’t know to this day. Some say he was just in a desperate situation, some say these cows had been abused and that he was rescuing them, some say he was just a greedy old farmer.

He attempted this great bo...

Einstein gets on a plane.

He knows it's a long flight, so he turns to the man next to him and says,

"Its a long flight, why dont we play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you cant answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I cant answer it, I give you $100."

The man agrees, so Einstein ...

While on watch on the highway, a cop sees a car going really slow...

He believes underspeeding is just as dangerous as overspeeding, so he pulls the car over.

He walks upto the driver's window. Inside the car, he sees two old ladies in the front and three in the back.

The old lady who is driving asks the cop, "Why have you pulled me over, sir?"

...

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Fast learning

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy,

\- "Son, how old are you?"

\- "Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued,

\- "Do you know what t...

A man saw a gorgeous flight attendant sitting alone reading the paper in an international airport.

He couldn’t quite pin down the exact airline, but he wanted to show off as a man of the world. He tried by saying Air France’s old motto. ‘Making the sky the best place on earth!’ The stewardess gave him the side eye but otherwise ignored him. Undeterred, he tried Singapore Airlines’. ‘A great way t...

Stone.

Sam died and left $50,000 in his will for an elaborate funeral.

As the last attenders left, Sam’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said: “Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased.”

“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper....

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery..

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the ...

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad

I guess it will be 5050



Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly?

HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.

On May 5th I woke up at exactly 5:05 AM.

At 5:55 I left my apartment (apartment 505 on 55 5th St), hopped on the number 5 bus, and paid a $5 fare to go to work.

5 minutes later, I arrived at 555 5th street and rushed to my office in room 505.

After I'd been working for 5 hours, I realized that I'd experienced a lot of 5's tha...

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The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

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A boy tells his father "Dad, my math teacher is asking to see you.”

The father asks "What happened?"

“Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" says the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school an...

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Funny.

A labourer applies for a job on a farm.

The farmer asked him if he had experience and what he was particularly good at.

The labourer gave him his CV and said that he could actually communicate with animals.

The farmer wanted to test him and took him to the chicken shed.

O...

In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.

I know, because I kept a log.

Where did the computer mouse go to get a drink?

The spacebar

And you know I’ve been to a couple spacebars before, they’re all exactly the same. Great food, no atmosphere.

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a guy walks into a restaurant with an ostrich...

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "...

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A man calls the police, upset that his house has been broken into, and his toilet used.

The owner says that nothing has been stolen, and the police officer finds no signs of forced entry. "Why exactly did you call the police?" he asks.

The owner takes the officer into the bathroom and shows him the toilet bowl. "What do you see?" he asks. "A turd," says the officer.

"Exac...

a farmer was driving a cart full of vegetables to market when he had a head on collision with a semi

the farmer suffered severe injuries and was in the hospital for several months and was told he would be in pain for the rest of his life. He sued the driver of the semi and they went to court . in court the drivers lawyer asks the farmer

drivers lawyer " when the police arrived did they ask ...

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Two aliens land on Earth in the middle of nowhere near a gas station and one of them gets out to make first contact.

He goes to the gas pump and says "Hello, we're from outer space, and we'd like to establish relations, how can I find your leader?"

Obviously, the pump doesn't respond so the alien is rather annoyed by such rudeness but he tries again.

"Yeah so we're just trying to get in touch with yo...

Fishin'

A man is at the river standing on the bank, fishing. He's there all day and doesn't even get a bite. He looks at the other bank and sees a woman pulling up TWO full stringers of fish!

Next day, he goes fishing and goes to the exact spot the woman was the day before. All day. Nothing. Not...

The doctor gives test results back to a man

“I’m afraid you have Chlamydia, gonorrhea, and Onomatopoeia,” said the Doctor

The man asks, “What’s Onomatopoeia?”

The Doctor replies, “It’s exactly what it sounds like”

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Mom is tired of taking care of Junior, sends him over to the construction site across the street. [NSFW - Language]

As the title says, Mom sends Junior over to hang out at the construction site since she's tired of watching over him...

The boy comes home at the end of the work day and Mom asks, "Well, son, what did you learn today?"

"Well, Mom, I learned a LOT! Like... when you hang a door, if it do...

Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die.

It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."

Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."

I'm a great surgeon, I've never lost a patient

I know exactly where they all were when they died

I took a class recently on the history of food preservation.

In the early days, metal containers were the cheapest and easiest to make, so almost all food was stored in cans. Tin was a particularly soft and easy to mold/shape, and didn’t rust like other options, so most preserved food cans were made of tin.

Things went great for a while, with some food...

A New Zealand Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while.

The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals."

"...sure you can," the farmer says. "But I like your style. I'll put you to work."

So the ma...

My Egyptian friend and I have the exact same farts

Toot in common

Father's Dreams

son : Dad, do you have any dreams you want to accomplish?
dad : I gave up on my dreams years ago kiddo, but let's focus on yours
son : oh, but how many years ago exactly did you give up?

dad : well how old are you?

A businessman interviews a mathematician, an accountant, and an economist for a job

A businessman interviews a mathematician, an accountant, and an economist for a job. He asks them, “What is 2 + 2?”

The mathematician answers, “Exactly 4.”

The accountant replies, “Depending on what your interest, depreciation, and taxes are, approximately 2.”

The economist wa...

Chuck Norris petted a lion but then there was a roar sound

The trainer said “get up very slowly and back up” so the lion did exactly that.

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My girlfriend's pussy smells exactly like roses...

But, Rose's is much tighter.

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

My girlfriend of two years dumped me on her birthday. I dont know why she was so mad, I got her EXACTLY what she asked for; 10 cents and a bell. ..

...upon further‍ reflection, I may own misunderstood "a dime and ring", my bad.

A guy shows up at the gates of heaven

St. Peter prepares to welcome the man, but before St. Peter can greet him, the man walks away. A few moments later, the exact same thing happens. This repeats itself a couple of times before St. Peter angrily asks: "For God's sake, are you gonna come in or not!?"

The man, walking away yet aga...

The Best Medicine

A man went to his doctor and said, "You've got to check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh and you'll hear it!"

The doctor placed his ear against the man's thigh and heard, "Gimme $10! I really need $10!"

"How long has this been going on for?" the doctor asked...

I have a shirt with 120 tiny pockets that fit exactly one mint each....

It's my Tic Tactical vest.

somewhere there's a tree shaped exactly like a chicken and the locals pull on the branches for good luck...

The whole ceremony is called poultry or something like that...

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(NSFW) Much like fingerprints, no two man's testicles are exactly the same

That is to say, there's usually a vas deferens between them

I work in an Auckland restaurant and Jacinda Ardern just came in

She said, "Can I get a large aperitif?"

I said, "I very much doubt it."

Credit to all the schoolboys in 1980s England who were making the exact same joke about Esther Rantzen.

A guy in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a single word without my lawyer present!”

Policeman: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so give me my present.

A retired exorcist.

A while back I did some exorcist work with the Church and became pretty renowned for my efforts. I am known by all priest and demonkind. Only a few months into my early retirement, I got a rather strange phone call of someone asking for my assistance. His voice was deep and frantic.

Exorcist...

Three men were stranded on a desert island

They had been there for many years and had become good friends. One day a lamp washed up on shore and out popped a genie. The genie looked at them and decided to grant each of them one wish.

Without hesitation, the first man practically screamed; "I wish I was back home with my family!". Po...

It's the exact same movie.

Did you know that if you watch the movie 'Tenet' in reverse...

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

A Geologist from Alabama could tell you the chronological order of Sandstone Layers, but not their exact ages

You could see they're into Relative Dating.

...

*Sigh*

I know you expected that punchline. My apologies, when I'm under pressure my sediment jokes turn a little schist.

Please stay gneiss in the comments.

A group of dwarves get jobs as coal miners

After a week or so, one of the workers really stood out and was getting special treatment from the supervisor, Moe. The other dwarves complained to HR and threatened to go on strike.
The supervisor was called into the office and reprimanded. He explained that he was only trying to keep the harde...

Sam: Hey Dave, I saw something really weird last night in the woods.

Dave: Oh yeah? What’d you see?

Sam: We’ll it’s kinda hard to explain, except it looked like a group of older women gathered around a fire, doing these weird chants and they started to get naked.. I mean that could only mean one thing..

Dave: Which is?

Sam: Exactly

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Son to father

Son: Dad , maths teacher has summoned you.

Dad: what did you do now?

Son: he asked what is 5 times 10, i said 50. Now whats 10 times 5

Father: what kind of shitfuckery is this?

Son: exactly thats what i said.

next day…

Son: Did you visit maths teacher?
...

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A man went duck hunting and a gust of wind blew, his shotgun fell over and discharged, shooting him in his private parts.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was partly to your groin. There was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the birdshot...

What do you call it when you poke someone’s head on the exact spot that causes their head to explode?

Acupuncture

Why does the Irishman always put exactly 239 beans in his soup?

Because one more would be too farty.

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

A seven foot tall woman who looks exactly like Al Gore’s wife walks into a bar

Bartender says, “I’ll bet she’s a big Tipper.”

A Russia official visits an American official

“Wow, nice car. Where did you the money for this?” Asks the Russian official

“You see that bridge over there?” The American official says and points toward a bridge in the distant

“Yeah, I see it”

“I embezzled some of the fund for that bridge” the American official whispers.
...

Where exactly are you taking me doctor?

-Where exactly are you taking me doctor?

-To the morgue.

-What? But, I'm not dead yet.

-And we are not there yet!

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first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”

Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”
Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situa...

The psychologist said that children at a certain mental age believe that everybody knows what they’re thinking.

He used a doll to prove his point.

He placed a crayon box filled with candles on the table in front of the child. He then asked the child what was in the box. Of course the child answered crayons.

Then the psychologist opened the box to show the child that the box contained not cray...

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I realized that Tinder is the exact opposite of most websites in porn website ads.

There’s tons of hot single ladies in my area, but none of them want to fuck me.

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Clones are people too...

A research scientist at a large corporate laboratory developed a method to clones humans. Unfortunately, the ethics review board would not allow him to experiment on humans. So he decided to clone himself in secret. He was also able to accelerate the aging process so within a short time, the clone w...

In Madré Rossiya, it's illegal to manufacture storage drives with exact capacity of 1000 GigaBytes

Cause the KGB takes identity theft seriously

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

What do you call a friend who sounds exactly like you?

A homie-nym.

Brazilian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell...

There, he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He is told: "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another...

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My Ex called me a sex machine

Well. her exact words were "fucking tool" but I knew what she meant.


Taken from Tinder bio post...

A secretary at the Kremlin is having a cigarette break besides the main entrance.

All of a sudden, the doors fly open and bursting out of the building comes a Russian Army general, muttering to himself:

"That idiotic, delusional, ridiculous old clown of a president! Why doesn't he just do us all a favour and throw himself out of a window?!"

The secretary thought to ...

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A husband got a new job

A husband got a new job and had to go on his first ever business trip.

This was especially tough because he and his wife made love every other day and he was going to be gone for a week.

He didn’t want his wife to miss him, or miss out on her regular orgasm, so he decided to buy her a ...

The daddest of my dad's dad jokes

Seriously, this is his favorite one:

A cop pulls over a man who appears to be chauffeuring a penguin in a limousine.

"Sir," barks the cop, "Is that a penguin you're driving around?"

"Yes it is," the driver responds cheerfully. "Is there a problem?"

"Of course there is! Th...

Two men die at exactly the same time

When they get to the pearly gates St. Peter tells them that rules are rules and he can only allow one of them to enter, but to keep it fair, he’ll allow the one who can come up with a poem with the last line Timbuktu. The men think a while, and the first man says “OK, I’ve got mine!” St. Peter says ...

Today a pretty girl told me I was quite a looker!

Well, voyeur was the exact word she used.

Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs.....

"Just five minutes more."

stewardess on my flight wasn’t holding back. telling everyone exactly what she thought.

walking down the aisle, looking right at everyone, saying “trash” “trash” “trash”

I saw a magician who could make anything weigh exactly 28.3 grams.

His stage name is "The Wizard of Oz."

A calligrapher died peacefully in his sleep.

He soon woke up in a land of paradise. He spent the next few days exploring. Heaven was exactly as he imagined—pristine rolling hills, golden castles upon cloud tops, reunions with lost loved ones, and endless opportunities to explore one's hobbies. He had access to the finest selection of inks and ...

Which body of water always gives the exact details?

The Specific Ocean.

One day while a cowboy was building a barn.....

he lost his favorite book. A week later, one of his horses came up to him holding the book in its mouth. The cowboy was stunned. He took the book from the horse and said, “It’s a miracle!”

“Not exactly,” said the horse. “Your name is written inside.”

A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day.

“Thank you for coming,” the son said. “It means so much.” “Of course I’d be here,” the mother replied. “It’s not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day.”

Little johnny

Mary was friends with little johnny. She would often play with him after the school hours.

One day, Mary was talking to her grandma about one wierd thing that little johnny always did on the way back from school.

M : "Each day when we pass a certain tree, little johnny throws his scho...

Taxiing down the tarmac, the 767 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

*"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."*

A Halloween story A Hospital in Alabama got a lot of doctors and medical experts baffled over a string of deaths in an ICU at an exact time and same bed

Doctor 1: It's always 10am i tell you! Then it's Flatline!

Doctor 2: I have 3 patients that has a very good chance to live but also died on that same bed and at the same time.

Doctor 3: Mine too.

Doctor 4: I have a patient in there now and its almost 10am. Shall i get him away f...

Your tongue knows exactly how everything you look at will feel.

Try it! Look at the table leg, you know what it will feel like if you lick it.Imagine kicking a football. Or the couch. Whether you have or haven't actually licked these things, when you imagine it, your tongue knows. it KNOWS!

A cat died and went to Heaven

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”

The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a...

I can tell the exact time just by looking at the Sun...

Although after a while it gets spotty.

A soldier in the middle of a war walks up to his commander...

"Commander, I have an issue. What am I doing here?"

The commander stunned, answered:

"What do you mean? You're here because you're at war with the enemy!"

The soldier looked around and asked:

"Who is my enemy?"

The commander irritatingly pointed to the enemy base.<...

I made this up just now.

This young actor walks into an interview with a producer and they’re going back and forth. It comes to talking about pay and the inproducer offers him a low amount

The actor says “dude I have lots of people looking for me right now why don’t you make me a better offer

The producer says...

I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with my posture

but I have a hunch

What exactly is an acorn?

Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.

Two soldiers in a forest

Two soldiers are patrolling a forest, suddenly one of them collapses to the ground and the other begins to panic.

He picks up his walkie talkie and contacts his captain, he says "I need help! my partner collapsed to the ground and isn't moving, I think he's dead!"

The Captain responds:...

Don't know if this is known but I wanted to share

The wife said: "hey I'm gonna be back in 2 hours max"

Husband: "are you cheating on me?"

Wife: "what?"

Husband: "say what you just said"

Wife: "I'm gonna be back in 2 hours max"

Husband: "Exactly, my name is John"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bank manager

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always r...

There's a theory that people don't see the exact same colors

Does that mean
*color is a pigment of you imagination*

huehuehuehue

Doctor [looking at my x-rays] : this is exactly what I was afraid of.

Me: What?

Doctor: Skeletons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do I keep her awake?

A man went into work one day and asked his best friend for advice on a “personal matter.”

“Every time me and my wife are 69ing; she always tends to fall asleep. Do you have any ideas how I can stop this from happening?”

His friend surprised says “I used to have the exact same problem!...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This man was unhappy with his appearance

So he decided to get a facelift. He was so happy with the results that as soon as he left the building he asked the first person he saw.

“How old do you think I look?”
“36”
The man says “nah bruh I’m 55 thank you though”

He is standing in line at McDonald’s. He asked the ca...

Why Trojans are a terrible brand name

Trojans are a terrible name for a brand of condoms. Here's why: when you think of Trojans you think of the Trojan Horse. What's the Trojan Horse do? It sneaks past your defenses, then in the middle of the night it breaks open and a whole bunch of little dudes come spilling out of it. That's exactly ...

Two Rabbis are having lunch together…

The first one says “You won’t believe the terrible thing that’s happened! My son, he left home and became a Christian!”

The other Rabbi says “It’s funny you should mention this! My son, he also left home and now is Christian!”

They can’t believe the exact same thing has happened to bo...

Donald Trump is visiting a school

In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence.

One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy."

"No," Tru...

So I noticed my wife put on some weight lately

For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this” thinking this might motivate her.

The next day, I found the exact same note for me except it was on a pack of large sized condoms.

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