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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.



They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweis...

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Milk Bath

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.  She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.  He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

...

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A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

A Genie grants a person 3 wishes

The genie says “I shall grant you 3 wishes, ask what you must”

The man replies “I want a world without lawyers”

“Granted, you have no more wishes left” said the genie

The man exclaimed “But wait! You said 3 wishes!”

Genie replied “Sue me”

Three wise kings debated gifts for an upcoming baby shower.

"I've got it!" the first proclaimed. "Myrrh! I'll get some from our stores! The mother could make all manner of perfumes and medicine!"

"Fantastic idea!" the second agreed, and he gasped, "Frankincense! I have a bit left over from a recent voyage! I'll bring some along!"

They turned ...

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It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.

Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at the...

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist.

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting on a Starbucks patio across from an abandoned building when a car pulls up, and two people get out and enter the building.

A few minutes go by, three people exit the building, get into the car and drive off.

"Hmm," says the physi...

Simple cure for ED...

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an mysterious medicine man living nearby who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the location on the certificate and saw this medicine man....

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A judge challenges the local doctor to tell him whether there people are mad or not.

The three people enter the doctor's chamber and take their seats.

The flustered doctor decides to ask them the same question.

Doctor:- 1 bag has 3 balls. How many balls are there in 3 bags?

Man 1:- Is the ball black? Is the bag red? Is the bag tied with a string? When we imagine...

Apparently most people lean slightly forward when they nod their head.

Must say, I'm inclined to agree.

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Jesus must be really good in bed..

If Second Coming is taking him so long.

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I wish -

### A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.


“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.


The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.


“How mu...

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A Doctor Sex Joke

2 Doctors hit it off at a Medical Conference.

After a few drinks they take off to the male Doctors hotel room and engage in sex.

Over breakfast the next day the male Doctor says, “You must be a Surgeon”.
“How did you know that?”
“Well you kept getting up to wash your hands.”
<...

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Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

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One day, two whales were swimming in the ocean

One day, two whales were swimming in the ocean. They came across a whalers ship and the first whale was immediately angered by this. He tells the second whale,

*“Whalers killed my brother! I want revenge! Let’s use our blowholes as hard as we can to tip the ship underneath and drown them!”*<...

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polack...

An Irishman, an Italian and a Polack are on death row, awaiting electrocution.
The warden takes the first man, and asks him if he has any last words. He says, 'I'm innocent. Perhaps years from now, evidence will show I"m telling the truth'.
The warden says, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what t...

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Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.
“I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be...

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3 pregnant ladies in a coffee shop

So a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are sitting in a coffee shop talking about their pregnancies.

The brunette says to the other 2 that I heard if you have sex on top, your more likely to have a boy

The redhead say oh that must mean I’m likely to have a girl

There was a pause ...

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All-Female Crew As the aircraft was taxiing towards the runway to take off, the voice on the speaker welcomed passengers on board and introduced them to the pilot.

"Your captain is Miss Mary Joystick...."

"You mean to tell me this plane is being piloted by a woman?"asked an alarmed passenger to a stewardess."

"Yes, sir," replied the stewardess. "So is the co-pilot, Miss Jane Understudy. So also are the radio operator and the navigator, they are a...

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I was driving home from work when a guy waved at me from the side of the road.

"I need directions to the hospital," he said.

"Sorry, buddy. I'm in a hurry," I told him. "My wife is at home waiting to have sex with me."

"Could you just tell me which way?"

"Probably from behind, if you must know," I replied, driving off.

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The Medicran (long)

Fair warning: I heard this from my Dad years ago, so…dad joke ahead. Consider yourself warned.

Long ago, a tribe of the northlands was being savaged by the fearsome Medicran. A council of the tribes elders, after some discussion decided something needed to be done. They charged the tribe’s b...

I saw a man with a bucket on his head.

When i asked what he was doing, he explained "I always wear a bucket on my head on Monday."

"But today is Tuesday?" I asked.

He blushed. "Oh no, i must look like such an idiot!"

A lawyer dies and ends up in hell.

“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only 42 years old!”

“Just 42? That doesn't sound right.” says Satan.

The lawyer says, "Thank you so much, this must be some kind of mix up."

"Ah, here we have it," says Satan. "According to our calculati...

Great performance!

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally, after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, ”This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the...

I stopped showering or changing my clothes, as a precaution against COVID-19.

If anybody gets within six feet of me, I know they must have lost their sense of smell.

President Obama and the Queen are proceeding towards Buckingham Palace in the Queen's carriage, waving to thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs to cover their noses.


The Queen turns to her guest, Mr President, please accept my regrets...

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died.

With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very...

3 Guys are waiting in line to enter heaven

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first guy, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've sus...

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

Two Inuits are whale hunting

They have been out all day in their little boat. The wind starts to whip up and it's getting very cold. Their whale-skin coats aren't even cutting the chill. With each blast the cold eats at them. All of a sudden one of them jumps up and starts building a fire in the middle of the boat. He strips al...

The Botched Executions

Obligatory first time posting so I'm hoping I follow all the guidelines and you all like the joke!

A Priest, Lawyer and Engineer are traveling together in a foreign country and unfortunately get arrested. They are all three set to be executed by guillotine.

The Priest is all set up, a ...

A man loses his hat and decides the easiest way to get another one is to steal it.

He goes to the church cloakroom to get a hat. A sermon about the Ten Commandments was going on. The man pauses to listen and then changes his mind. On nearing the exit, he runs into the pastor.

He says, "I came here with sin in my heart. I must say, you saved me from crime."

The pastor...

Two Philosophers and a YouTuber Meet in the Dead of Night to Discuss their Darkest Secrets

They begin by releasing their darkest secrets in exchange for more secrets. After each of them let out their darkest secrets, the YouTuber asks for a break.

The philosophers tell him that he can take a break, so the YouTuber wanders off while the philosophers remain at the table. With just th...

An old man decides to look into a Nudist Colony

He is invited to try the one week trial period so he does.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, walks over to him and asks, "did you ...

An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.

One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars. Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride. She refused, quipping "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride. Again H...

Two farmers are sitting in a bar, feeling sad.

"I've had a horrible week," said Farmer Brown. "My tractor broke last week, and I have tried to buy a new one, but no one is selling a tractor at a reasonable price."

"Let me tell you something that happened yesterday," said Farmer Gray. "Yesterday I went into my barn to milk the meanest cow ...

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Hans has a small Dick

(Long)

Hans lived in a small town and has a small dick. Everyone knew about it, the girls snickered behind his back, the guys used to tease him endlessly. He tried all the remedies to make his dick big and failed.

Dejected, he visited his local night club one day and saw his friend Pet...

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Professor of Logic

So I live in a friendly neighborhood and everyone really likes to talk to their neighbours.

So This new guy moved into my neighborhood and I as a friendly neighbour introduced myself.


"Hi I'm Norm McDonald" so he says something something I don't remember his name. He asks what do y...

A robber enters a house and holds the wife at gunpoint and threatens the husband to hand over all the money and jewellery..

The husband sobs " Please take whatever you want, but leave her alone" .

Robber : " Wow you must really love your wife ".

Husband " Actually she is my neighbour's wife. Mine will come back from shopping any minute" .

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one

Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must ...

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The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

You must have been born on a highway

Because that's where most accidents happen!

The Devils goes to Church

The devil went to church one day and upon seeing his red skin, big horns and cloven feet, all of the people ran from the building in terror. All except for one old man near the front. He didn't even budge. The devil was intrigued by the man's apparent disinterest in his hideous appearance. So he str...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

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Mr. Smith walks into the bathroom to find an armless army vet struggling at the urinals.

Seeing the poor vet in distress and acknowledging what he must have sacrificed for their country Smith offers to undo his zipper for him.

"Thank you so much young man" the vet says. "I know this is a lot to ask but could you also hold it for me so I don't make a mess of myself"

Relucta...

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his roun...

I woke up last night from a noise somewhere in the house.

My wife turned to me and whispered "It must be a thief. Go downstairs and check."

Reluctantly, i went downstairs. I checked every room but couldn't find the thief.

I knew this sneaky guy was hiding somewhere but where?

Then i remembered- i don't have a wife.

A family of moles

A family of moles awakens from hibernation. The father mole pokes his head out of the hole and says "I smell tulips it must be spring". The mother mole pokes her head out of the hole and says " I smell cherry blossoms it must be spring". The baby mole is trying to squeeze between his parents but get...

The missing sugar bowl

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if ther...

How did the Latino kill 50 people at the same time?

I don't know. He must have had a locomotive.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese

... and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

2 nuns go for a bicycle ride around the Vatican.

The first nun says "I've never come this way before." The second nun says "yeah, must be the cobblestones."

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Three Rabbis

Three rabbis were walking and they came to the more questionable part of town. They pass by a shop that has a sign which reads...

Blowjobs:
$25
$50
$100

The first rabbi looks at the sign and says “My friends, it is time I enjoy some of the joys of the flesh. I am going to go a...

An Irishman goes into the confessional box...

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been...

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3 Explorers are captured by a cannibal tribe...

the chief of the tribe goes to them and says, "If you wish to live and be set free, you must follow this order: Go out into our jungle and collect 10 of a single fruit. Then return here by sundown." All wanting to live, the 3 explorers go off into the jungle.

The first comes back with 10 man...

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There’s a blond, redhead, and brunette on a cliff.

The cliff is magical, only granting a specific type of wish under certain conditions. You must jump off the cliff, and you are able to become anything you wish, but you must say it while falling.

The brunette jumps off the cliff and yells, “bird!” She becomes a beautiful dove, and flies awa...

An engineer dies and goes to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

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A group of primary school kids, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Randwick races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the uri...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his...

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Autopsy class

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked ...

Granddad died the other week, only he was wearing a blue suit when his wishes were to buried in a black suit

Only problem was we don't have enough money to afford a new suit after the funeral costs.


The undertaker tells us not to worry and to come back in a week to finalise the funeral details.


We come back the next week and there's granddad in a lovely new black suit, i ask "how ...

Co-pilot: c'mon you need to tell them, but you must keep them calm.

Pilot: Swimming is fun, right?

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

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Men's room was closed!

A guy had to go very badly, and the Men's room was closed. Looking around, he see's there are no women in the bathroom.


He sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR. Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm wate...

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A man is playing chess with a horse in the park.

A passer-by stops and watches them amazed. After a while ha says to the man: "Wow, your horse is playing chess? It must be really smart."

The man replies: "You call it smart? He hasn't won for like twelve games straight."

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Hello! Mr. Hussein?

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Saddam...

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

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The pickup line of Cecil the cavalier

Cecil is a young British aristocrat who loves horse-riding but is terribly shy.

On his daily trot around Hyde Park, he frequently sees a beautiful girl riding a jet-black Morgan horse but can’t pluck up the courage to approach her.

One evening he’s having a beer with his friend Charles...

I can only see Jane's Addiction videos on YouTube if I stare straight at them

I must've lost my PerryFerrell vision

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar



An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bar...

on the beach

W.C. Fields was walking on the beach one day when a beautiful girl passed by. Fields tipped his hat and said, "Hello my dear, how's your ass?"

The girl looked at him in disgust and said, "Shut up!"

He said, "Hmmm... mine too. Must be the salt water."

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I asked a woman if I could smell her pussy

She said "no you cannot" and then she slapped me. I said "I'm sorry, It must be your feet

The Race!

Johnny was 16 years old and wanted a motorcycle really bad. But his parents said he couldn't get one until he graduated from high school. So, he saved up all his money, and when graduation day came, he threw his graduate cap up in the air and walked right down to the nearest Harley Davidson dealer a...

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...

The captured English general and French general

a bash on the French, plus first post here: apologies, but anyway ...



During the Napoleonic wars, an English general (EG) is captured by the French. eventually the French general (FG) responsible for the capturing force faces upto the EG for the interrogation:

FG: i dont unders...

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the...

The royal calligrapher's apprentice.

In the late 1400s there was a young man named Pablo. He was apprenticed to the royal calligrapher for the king of Spain. One day the royal calligrapher gathered his apprentices for a lesson.

"Any letter penned for his majesty must be penned with Ink made here in Spain! It would be a trav...

Customer service at restaurants is HORRIBLE.

Every time I use one of their restrooms, I see "Employees must wash hands" on the mirror. So I wait for HOURS, but not ONCE has an employee EVER showed up to wash them for me.

My girlfriend wanted to look slimmer for a party so she invested in a corset.

She’s had a very hard year coping with things and was determined to go looking like a million bucks. She told me what it meant to her to be with me and how this was the only thing she had been looking forward to for months. I helped her into her corset and between us we managed to lace her up.
<...

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A frustrated wife goes to the doctor (long)

"Doctor, you have to help me. I've been married 30 years to my husband and I feel he's lost all interest in me. You know, phisically speaking. He barely looks at me, let alone have sex with me. Oh, I really miss the good old times where we had wonderful sex multiple times a week, there must be somet...

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

A Test of Faith

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk and a Jehovah's witness, tired of the endless debates, decided to prove amongst themselves which faith was the real one, once and for all.

All three decided on the test:
They must each, one after the other, jump off a tall, steep cliff, and chant the ...

Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.


"May I help you?" she asked.


"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.


"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would ...

3 engineering students

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The ...

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And now, over to our expert on international arms trade

In the news studio:

> Thank you Linda - Now, the intelligence services will obviously be looking for the missing warhead, but it's not that simple.
>
> You see, nuclear weapons are like blowjobs, you cannot just go to a shop and buy one.

_____

Later, in the news s...

I walked into a public restroom today, and there were two guys in there with syringes in their arms.

They must have been vaccinating themselves.

Respect.

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La Tonga (NSFW)

Once upon a time there were two explorers, John Smith and James errmm..Smith ,doing what they did best....exploring. After 2 weeks of sailing they came to shore on what looked like a deserted island.

Hopping off, they eagerly went on a trek through the beautiful tropical forest before them. ...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uni...

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A woman wishes to become a nun

A woman has had enough with society and declares her interest in becoming a nun.

The priest she's talking to says, "You're welcome to become a nun but you must take a vow of silence, only speaking two words every five years."

She agrees and goes on to become an exemplary nun.

...

The Pope and the Police

Once, while travelling, the pope was bored.
He turned to the chauffeur and said "Why don't you let me have a go? I've never driven before, it looks fun!"

The chauffeur was not overly enthusiastic but he reluctantly swapped places.
The pope started enjoying himself, and decided to find o...

16 years ago the pope died.

And when he got to heaven he was greeted by angels.

"How are you mr.Pope?"

"Wonderful, I am so delighted to be in the gracious kingdom of heaven."

After checking the pope in the angels gave him a tour of heaven. Het got to see giant fountains, beautiful parks, and a huge mansio...

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The Wise Rabbi

A nazi once approached a Jewish rabbi.
"How are you jews so clever? Tell me or I'll kill you!" he demanded.
The rabbi stroked his beard. "Ok, I'll tell you, but first you must become more spiritual. Go and fast for 40 days. Each day, immerse yourself in freezing water."

40 days later, ...

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Kinda long, but I couldn't get the flair to work.

An explorer gets lost in the Amazon rainforest. While searching for a way out, he stumbles upon a tribe of cannibals. They all want to eat the man, but the chief pities the man. He says to the explorer:

"Look. I know you're lost, so I'm gonna give you a chance to save your life." And with tha...

Two cavemen are waiting at the doctor's office

The first says, "Me name Phil. Me get bee sting. Why you here?"

The second one, covered in blood, smiles and says, "Me name Mike. Me get hit by boulder during rock slide."

The first says, "That must hurt! Why you look so happy?"

The second says, "Me celebrating. It's Mike Ache D...

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The Old Lady Who Makes Bets

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"



The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just wa...

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

Melinda Gates should keep her surname, marry Elon Musk then Elon must change his surname.

Then his name would be 'Elon Gates'

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

A poor Jewish tailor has a son...

So he goes to see the mohel and tells him, "My son must be circumcised, but I have no money to pay you."
After thinking for a moment, the mohel gets a huge jar from his shelf and gives it to the tailor. "For all my years as a mohel, I haven't known what to do with all the foreskins, so I put the...

Logic and Legality

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on "Logic and Legality" to his first year students.

However, one of his students was not particularly happy that day, as he had just received his results and was shocked that his professor had failed him.

After sitting ...

A guy dies and is sent to hell.

Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’
In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no aga...

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A guy from IRS shows up at the rabbi's house

"So, you produce a lot of waste during your ceremonies that could potentially be sold for profit but it's missing from your books, how do you account for that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the matzo bread you eat... It's awfully dry, it must surely leave a lot of crumbs... What do you d...

The first time I smoked weed I was in the back of my brothers truck,

we drove around for miles laughing at the dumbest things.

It was a great time but I must have been really high because I don't have a brother.

Before I got married I was in a store paying for groceries.

I had a quart of milk, a half dozen eggs and a TV dinner. The cashier looks at me with a smile and says “You MUST be single!”
I said “Why do you say that?”
And she said “Because your so fu$king ugly!”

Last week, I discovered a colony of black ants in my kitchen.

They live in a crack in my kitchen wall.

This kitchen is in the apartment flat I'm renting by myself.

I've counted a total of seven ants crawling out of the crack, and there's presumably one queen inside too.

I know there's a queen because just yesterday, one male ant was gone, ...

A young man has just been married....

A young couple was just married and during the reception, the groom’s grandfather pulls him aside…

“Are you ready for tonight?” he asks.

“Well, I’m a little nervous…. It’s my first time…”

“Oh! No worries! You are a Johnson! You will be great!”

The next morning, the young ...

If it's right that from each mistake you make you learn something

Then i must be Albert Einstein

Corona must have hit India hard...

I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

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There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.

Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over and said, "Well, there is nothing physically wrong with the bull. T...

A limo driver is driving Gorbachev to a very important building

The limo driver suddenly passes out, Gorbachev decides to put the unconscious man in the back seats and drive instead




Once he reaches the gate, two security guards start whispering to each other




Guard 1: "Uh, who is the person in the back?"




G...

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Mother Superior say to 3 nuns "Because you've been so committed to this monastery over the last 50 years you can go out this weekend and commit any sin you like."

"When you return you must drink this holy water and all will be forgiven."

So the 3 nuns head out for a fun-filled weekend.

On Monday when they return, Mother Superior summons them to her office. She asks them what sins they committed. The first nun says..."I became an alcoholic and di...

I heard Bill and Melinda Gates are getting a divorce.

Must have been time for an update.

Golfer: "You must be the world's worst caddy!"

Caddy: "No, that would be too much of a coincidence

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A young painter once had an old ladder

The ladder was one he’d found in a dumpster a few years before and, since he was poor and needed a ladder, he snatched it up and considered himself lucky. Over time, as he used the ladder on large murals, it would invariably be off-kilter, would not sit flush to the wall, or a rung would slip and ro...

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dol...

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

A group of moles are hibernating in a burrow for the winter...

One day one mole pops his head out and sniffs around.

“It must be spring because I smell maple syrup in the air. The farmer’s wife always cooks pancakes in the springtime” says the mole as he leaves the burrow.

A second mole sticks his head out and smells the air.

“By George, h...

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Sex is like playing billiards.

You have a cue, you have balls, you have a hole and the important rule is that the white one must not go in.

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One day at a busy airport

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is ...

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An innocent young woman is sitting with her mother before going to spend the night with her boyfriend.

She is nervous about what's going to happen because the man is her first boyfriend and the first time she'll ever spend a night away from home.

Her overly protective mother looks meaningfully into her daughter's eyes and said, "Honey, when you go to bed tonight, your boyfriend is going to wan...

(Must be a nerd to get this one) Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip?

To get to the other... oh... never mind.



Context: a mobius strip is an object with the interesting property of only having one side.

Guy gets a job as a spy...

He's sent on his first mission, and told that the secret passphrase he has to give to contacts is, "The night-bird flies at dawn."

He's instructed to go to London, head to Piccadilly Circus, and speak to a guy in a purple fedora, busking. So he flies to London, goes to Piccadilly Circus, fin...

Went to the opticians.

She told me that I was color blind.


Well I must say, that came right out of the purple.

I keep seeing clips from “An Inconvenient Truth” on my YouTube homepage...

Must just be the Al Gore-ithim

A cosmetology student walks into a bar and orders a beer

A cosmetology student walks into a bar and orders a beer. "It's almost the end of the school year," the bartender notes. "You must be busy studying for finals." "Oh, we don't actually have finals in cosmetology school," the student replies. "We just have makeup exams."

The Dean of the College of the Cardinals was at his wits end

The conclave had been contentious, and no clear leader emerged after many days of bickering. He needed a break, and was resting in his private office when there was a gentle rap at the door.

"What is it? Is there word of a new Pope?"

"Not exactly, sir."

"Who is it that disturbs...

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A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

The american spy

Once upon a time, an american spy who was in Russia, after a long career and for unknown reasons he decided he wants to surrender. He goes to the police, in the front office and he says

-Hello, I'm an american spy and I would like to surrender

-Well sir, do you have a gun?

-yes...

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weakened immune system.”

I Lost My Hat

One Sunday before a church service, a priest notices a man sitting in a pew who he has not seen in years.

The priest approaches and says, "Wow! I can't remember the last time I saw you here! What brings you here today?"

The man replies, "Good morning, father! Well you see, ten years ag...

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate after his death. Saint Peter opens the door, looks at him and says: "Welcome to live after death. What is your name?" The pope is slightly irritated and answers: "I am the pope." "Pope who?", Peter asks. "Pope Francis, you should know who I am!" the pope says, a ...

I like to touch every inch of your skin, I like to lie in your arms, I must be with you every moment.

You are the most comfortable sofa I have ever seen in my life.

A smart man and a not so smart man are locked in a room

A smart man and a not so smart man are locked in a room. One day they decided they didn’t like being locked up anymore, and wanted to escape. The not so smart one has to rely on the smart one to get out. So they made their way up to the roof through a series of vents. Once up on the roof of the buil...

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The Panda

A panda pulls up to the valet at a nice restaurant, drops his car off, and goes inside. The panda is seated at a table and orders. He calmly eats, pulls out an AK-47 and shoots everyone in the restaurant. He walks outside and gives the valet his ticket. The valet, scared to death, reaches out with a...

My grandfather destroyed almost a hundred aircraft in World War Two!

He must have been the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

Jesus must have had really bad internet

his revival lagged for 3 days

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Charles the Banana

Charles was a banana at the local Safeway, where he sat on the shelf with all the other bananas. Charles waited every day to be picked when, finally, a man picks up Charles in his bunch and buys him.

When Charles got home, the man put Charles on the counter. "Oh boy," he thought, "I'll final...

Regarding myself: I must confess to my one and only draw-back, and it's a fairly massive one...

It's my foreskin.

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Gates of Heaven

4 nuns die in a tragic bus crash.

They find themselves at the gates of heaven, where Peter greets them warmly. "Sisters, to enter into heaven, you must confess a sin." The sisters line up in front of Peter, who is smiling warmly.

The first nun pauses, takes a deep breath, and says "I....

Upon seeing a beautiful milkmaid, Thor appears before her in a flash of lightning...

Picking her up, he takes her to the hay loft where he proceeds to make ravenous love to her for thee days.

As the sun rose on the third day, he walked to the door and said "Woman! I must go. I have duties and I am Thor!"

To which she replied... "You're Thour? I'm not going to be able t...

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Delicious

A husband and wife are sitting around one afternoon. The man is a little bored and horny so he turns to his wife.

“Hey honey want to 69?” He asks.

“Sounds lovely,” she replies “but I’m on my period”

“That’s ok with me.”

They go upstairs and start the act. After a few mi...

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Small village

In a country,there was a small village which has very bad winter conditions. So bad that , no communication, no WiFi,no transportation to anywhere.
One of correspandant of a newspaper decided to write an essay about that' village.
He set off and hardly reached to village. He found the sheriff ...

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A woman in her 70s decided it was finally time to get married.

She put an add out in the newspaper. "Husband wanted. Must not beat me, must not walk all over me, must still be good in bed"


She got many applicants but after a few weeks she didn't find anybody suitable. She was about to give up, when she heard her doorbell ring. She opens the door to f...

A chemistry professor posted a bonus question to an exam:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know ...

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