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Must Jokes

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Having homosexual parents must be terrible

Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of “go ask your mom”

Corona must have hit India hard...

I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.

Greta Thunberg must love reddit

Most of the content here is recycled

Girls must buy $1000 purses just to impress other girls...

No guy has ever said " Bro, she was ugly...but that purse..."

Working at an unemployment office must be so tense.

Even if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.

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You must be in F**king management!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hove...

Soon after the General retired..., he decided he must do something different...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...!

*He soon found himself on an island with no flagstaff, no batmen, no ADC, no club, no canteen, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.*

After about four months,...

A creationist told me that evolution must be wrong because it violates the second law of thermodynamics

His claim was that in order for simple organisms like bacteria to evolve into much more complex life like fish and mice and horses and gorillas and people, an enormous input of energy would be required, therefore it must be impossible.

I stayed up all night trying to think of something that w...

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(Nsfw)What must a vampire ask before he has sex?

Is it alright if I cum inside?

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Call me Trumper if you must, but I've got proof masks don't do shit.

Last Thursday my wife went on a business trip and they made her wear a mask the whole time - but she got chlamydia anyway!

The women of King Arthur's court must have been very happy

They Camelot

Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.

This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says, "You must be single." The man answered, “Wow, how did you know that?”

The cashier replied, “Because you’re ugly.”

It must be hard for people learning to spell in English. For example, there is one silent K in "knight", four silent K's in "knickknack"

And three silent K's in "Republican".

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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.<...

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

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Gosh, hell must be really awkward.

I mean there's Hitler, and all the Jews.

It must be hard for women to work in the postal service.

It’s such a MAIL dominated industry.

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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answ...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

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A long time ago, the Pope decrees that all Jews in the Vatican must convert or leave...

There was an outcry from the Jewish community, so the pope offered a deal: He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people picked an aged, wise rabbi to...

What must you have if you want to crash a train?

A loco motive.

I made this one up several years ago and have never posted here 🙃

"You must be an engineer"

A man is flying solo in a hot air balloon and he discovers that he is lost. He lowers altitude until he can see a guy walking through a field.

He says to the guy, "Hey, where am I"?
The guy replies, "You are in a hot air balloon about 8 feet above farmer Jack's field."
The balloon ...

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening".

God must be an engineer.

Three engineering students are discussing what sort of God
must have designed the human body. The first says, 'God must be a mechanical engineer.
Look at all the joints."
The second says,"I think God must be an electrical engineer. The nervous system has thousands of electrical connections....

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Jersey must be a real shithole

If New Jersey was meant to be an improvement.

England fans must be pretty happy right now.

They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

Selling coffins must be a hard job.

It's the last thing any of us need.

Must be one-of-a-kind...

Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly stupid.

"What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?"

"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."

Death must be really boring for subway drivers.

A light at the end of the tunnel is just a regular workday.

This must be Reddit's most eco-friendly sub...

99% recycled content.

I saw a man in the street with a dog and a white stick. I said ‘You must be blind.’ He said ‘Yeah, tell me something I don’t know.’

So I said ‘There’s a tree over there.’

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

At some point, a nihilistic physicist must have understood...

without protons, nothing matters.

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I Must Have A Great Butt

Every time I walk away from my co-workers I always hear them say "what an ass".

The companies that dropped Johnny Depp must really regret their decisions

They shouldn't have followed the Heard

Pigeons must be very interested in chemistry...

I've only heard them talk about esters!

Why must 8 always stand up?

If it lies down, it's forever.

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A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

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A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blo...

Going to the gym must be really paying off.

Everytime I leave the room I hear people say 'what an ass'.

The gyms must remain open

The Constitution guarantees freedom of the press

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I keep telling myself that I must stop masturbating.

Fortunately I don't listen to perverts.

The Drums Must Not Stop

A man was exploring the African jungle and came upon a tribe of natives, their presence underscored by the distinctive and monotonous beating of drums. The man spoke with the tribe and they allowed him to stay with them and sleep on their grounds.

The first night, the man didn't sleep a wink ...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her… As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions."First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees."What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up.

Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, l...

Part of me says I must have multiple personalities

But another part of me is like "don't listen to Greg".

Being a politicians must be hard work

They’re all taking work home with them, apparently

Gawker must have been playing The Oregon Trail

'cause they just died of dissin' Terry.

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting.

They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

A tree's first winter must be terrifying.

Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.

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Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
...

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If this doesn't bring a tear to your eyes you must have a heart made of stone.

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, in...

Q anon conspiracy types must be absolutely fuming

they were promised a storm...

...and in the end all they got was a 'lil wayne.

I'm here all week.

What goes up must come down

And if it doesn’t within 4 hours you should see a doctor

I just don't understand why water doesn't slosh around in tanker trucks. It must be one of life's great mysteries.

Everyone I talk to agrees it's baffling.

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"...

The workers at Staples must have loved college

They write "college ruled" on all the notebooks

God must be black

He has tons of kids yet no one has ever seen him

How long must this go on?

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes ...

It must suck being a Jehova's witness right now.

The one time you know everyone's home but you can't go out...

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”

Once again, he thanked her.

He finished his roun...

Putin declares all Russian government computers must be Macs

Rumor has it that he's scared to go near Windows.

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Why Must It Be This Way?

An American and a Canadian are sitting on a plane. After takeoff the Canadian leans back, and takes his shoes off, and begins to relax. The American, who is pinned in at the window, says, "Sorry to trouble you but our call light is broken. Could you get me a beer?"

"No problem," says the Can...

Coffins must be really comfortable!

People are just dying to get in.

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Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

Your family tree must be a cactus ...

Because everyone on it is a prick.

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. "Eleven," I replied. "Wow! You must be a player," she laughed.

"No," I said, "I'm their coach."

Clean English jokes, you must laugh!!!

Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and ...

Must be hard being a vampire

Me: hey Dracula you got something in your teeth?

Dracula: Where? Here?

Me: No not there

Dracula: Here?

Me: No, just look in the m..

Dracula: look in the WHAT Sarah? Look in the WHAT?

If Pride Flags exist; there must be Shame Flags

Which explains the Stars and Bars of the Confederacy

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I know I must be really good in bed, because women always ask me

if there’s any possible way I could make it last longer.

A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. I called the cops because I think he must be a part of...

...some extreme mist group.

Why must people sun dry after bathing in Afghanistan?

There's a towel ban in Afghanistan

Being a baby must be scary.

Imagine going to sleep and waking up in Walmart.

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I must be amazing at sex...

My wife never moans when we do it.

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A tourist told me that Australia is so far away it must be the arse end of the world

I asked him if he was just passing through...

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dol...

Beer must contain Estrogen...

When I drink enough, I can't drive or shut the hell up.

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The widow of the old rabbi must remarry...

The rabbi of a small village dies, and after some time the congregation decides that the widow should remarry.

Given the size of the village, there is only one possible candidate: "the butcher".

Although not very excited because she was used to living with an intellectual, the widow ac...

Blonde Wife

One winter morning during breakfast a husband and wife in Northern Minnesota were listening to the radio.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
...

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If there is casual sex, there also must be formal sex.

Ah. Yes. Ah. Ah. Ah. Quite.

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Women must be really bad at sex

IDs usually give them an F for it.

I must have that new Monkey Pox virus :(

I think Im going bananas

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

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The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a nun and a young woman are sitting in a train compartment

The train drives into a tunnel, the lights in the compartment have gone out, it is pitch black. Suddenly a loud SMACK! is heard, and when the train is back out of the tunnel, the Frenchman is in pain, holding his red cheek.

The Nun thinks: "He must have groped the young woman and she slapped ...

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Medusa must have some really sexy eyes

I mean they get everyone rock hard

There must be another planet somewhere with worms.

Otherwise why would we call ours “Earth” worms

I must have Alzheimer’s...

I must have Alzheimer’s.

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It must be hard working as a prostitute.

After all, work just comes and goes.

Diarrhea must be hereditary

Because it runs in your jeans.

Golfer: "You must be the world's worst caddy!"

Caddy: "No, that would be too much of a coincidence

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Internet connection must have been really crappy during Jesus' times

I mean, 3 days for a respawn...

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A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman wi...

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King Richard’s coronation must have been interesting.

Everyone was waiting patiently for a good Dick King.

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Some people must be suffering from mental diarrhea...

...because every time they say they have an idea, it's usually shit.

My wife must have wanted to be a time traveller

She keeps going back to the past.

God must love stupid people!

He made SO many.

"You must be single..."

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing be...

People must not cough near you, they must cough far away...

So when you hear someone coughing tell him to, "Far Cough!"

Bloody Passwords

PASSWORD PROBLEMS:

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage


WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage



WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
...

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Life of a chef must suck.

All your work eventually turns to shit.

My university professors must really like Lord of the Rings

Whenever I ask them about my grades they just say "You shall not pass"

A Canadian visits America...

... and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger.

The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"

The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"

I must be in the minority, but I always lick my knife when I'm done

None of the other surgeons seem to do it !

It must have been a real shock when people found out the Monty Python theme was originally written by someone from the United States

After all, nobody expects the American composition

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Jesus must be really good in bed..

If Second Coming is taking him so long.

What must you do before entering a cookie eating competition?

Sign a wafer.

I must congratulate my Niece.

She has just passed he mouth Organ test.


Well done our Monica.....

Medusa must have been super hot.

Every guy that looked at her got rock hard.

I know pretty well how batteries must feel

I'm rarely ever included in things either.

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A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of streetwalkers

Every day as he passes them, they wave at him with their pinkies and say, "Hi there, little boyyy". One day the boy stops and asks one of them why they always wave at him with their pinkies. She replies, "Well... that's what size we imagine your penis to be. It's just a joke!"

The next day on...

The Trump administration must be freaking out

Oh, to be a fly on Pence right now.

Everybody said I must be an insecure, small man to try and marry multiple people.

I think they're wrong, I think it's big-o'-me!

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Do you know why a pop song must be 3 minutes?

Not even pop fans can listen to that crap for longer

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The Russian says "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The Scot says says "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch."

The Mexican says "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The German says "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Italian says "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Greek says "I'm tired ...

Three nuns die and go to heaven, but all must answer one question to get in.

The first nun is asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She says, "Adam." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.


The second nun is asked, "Who was the first woman on Earth?" She says, "Eve." Lights flash and the gates open.


The third nun is asked, "What was the first thing E...

The first person to invent a drill must’ve said,

“I’ve made a groundbreaking invention!”

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This Homework must be making me gay..

Because i can't think straight while doing it.

This girl I went out with must have worked at a carnival

I went in her bedroom and she had fluffy toys on 1 wall from the floor to the ceiling.

The next morning I said… How was I??

She said take anything from the second row..

Those aliens that abduct cows must be gamblers.

They're always raising the steaks.

The teacher asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week." "Good grief!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?" "He must be," said Little Johnny.

"He stopped calling for help yesterday

The r/jokes mods must be in the housing business

They keep re-moving





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Justice must be served cold.

Or else it would be justwater or justeam.

It must be a terrible time of year for dyslexics...

Satan's little helpers are everywhere!

I must be a pessimist,

I've been trying to avoid positive people all year

Solving a crime in Alabama must be so hard

Everyone has the same damn DNA

Nudists must be careful around Team Rocket...

... because they're always trying to get a Pikachu.

You must be an Engineer...

(I'm fairly new to reddit, so I hope this isn't an old one.)

A guy is lost on a hot air balloon ride. After some time, he sees a man in a field and lowers the balloon to ask for directions.

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" he calls down.

The man in the field thinks ...

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A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me six double vodkas.” Pouring the shots, the bartender comments, “Wow, you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.

When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”

On the third day, the guy comes into the ba...

Spiders must be...

the only web developers who like bugs.

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Jack & Jill

Jack and Jill have grown up. They've graduated from uni, gotten married and got a job at the same firm.
One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The prob...

The first animal to be mechanically milked must have been pumped

I know its an old joke, and I'm milking it dry. I just think its dairy funny.

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