If Staples has staples then that must mean that BJs has

bad jokes

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

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German Sex

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
'I vish to buy sex wit you.'
'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'
'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'
'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the Ger...

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Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

Confessional box joke, v funny pls do read

A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photog...

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A rich man and a poor man are Christmas shopping

A rich man and a poor man are Christmas shopping on Madison Avenue when they run into each other and talk about the gifts they've bought their wives.

The poor man asks the rich man what he got his wife for Christmas and the rich man says "I got my wife a diamond ring and a Mercedes Benz" ...

Ferdinand the Bull was on one side of a fence

Elsie the cow was on the other. She winked at Ferdinand. Ferdinand snorted and jump over the fence.

"I'm Elsie the cow. You must be Ferdinand the Bull."

"Just call me Ferdinand. The fence was higher than I thought."

Nudists must be careful around Team Rocket...

... because they're always trying to get a Pikachu.

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Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye...

Like pulling teeth

I had a wisdom tooth going bad and the dentist told me it wouldn't be worth filling the cavity and she just sent me to an oral surgeon to get the tooth pulled.

So I get there and I'm in the chair and I tell the guy "I've never had a tooth pulled." He was pretty seriously bothered that I used ...

THE SCOTTISH BROTHEL...

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
*"May I help you sir?"* she asked.


The man replied,  *"I want to see Suzy."*


*"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies ...

I don’t get all these school shooting jokes

They must be aimed at a younger audience

Slightly rewrote the ending on this classic

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces height and spots a man below.

He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field....

Why does everyone think pirates are filthy?

With all the sinks they get, they must have the cleanest hands

An unemployed man saw an ad in the newspaper asking for a Disneyland cop. He immediately goes to apply for the job.

"If you want to work at Disneyland," says the job agent, "you must show your knowledge of Disney by answering these questions. Question number one: what kind of animal is Mickey?"

"A dog?" guesses the guy.

"I'm sorry," says the agent, "but the correct answer is, a mouse. Question numbe...

A friend of mine told me an outrageous story while he cleaned his car.

I said “you must be buffing.”

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A duck walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich

Barman: You’re a duck and you can talk?!

Duck: Quite observant I see, Don’t worry I can pay.

Barman: I’m terribly sorry if I offended you, might I ask, what brings you to a bar like this?

Duck: If you must know, I work on the construction site across the road, if you don’t mind ...

ZERO equals ONE

A boy comes home from middle school and his father asks what he learned in school today, to which the boy responds, "ZERO equals ONE" yelling it practically. The father looks at him and says, "Son, zero is zero and one is one." But the boy continues yelling, annoyingly now, "ZERO equal ONE, ZERO e...

Canadian #1: What can I get for ya there bud?

Canadian #2: Oh I’d like this fancy car please.

Canadian #1: Well how about that, would you like the stock model or can I interest you in some upgrades?

Canadian #2: I’d like all the bells & whistles and upgrades ya got please.

Canadian#1: Well you must be quite wealthy th...

Greta Thunberg must love reddit

Most of the content here is recycled

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

A Logical Conclusion

They say a camera adds 10 pounds.

After my last look in the mirror, I must be under heavy surveillance.

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A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.

After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches...

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Long, but hopefully worth it.

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping...

An attractive young woman on a flight from England asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

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Three Couples

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married. "If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without having sex," say...

The same guy walks into a bar, orders three beers, sits down and drinks his beers, before leaving quietly... This happens every day for months

One day when the man walks in and orders his three beers, a bartender decides to ask the man "Wouldn't you rather have your beers one by one to keep the other two cold? To which the man answers "No. I'm ordering three beers because I have two brothers and this way it feels like we're drinking togeth...

A man walks into a bar.

Sitting down next to a second man, he orders an eye-watering combination of milk curdled with lemon juice mixed with their cheapest whiskey and run.

The second man is taken aback and says that's what he is drinking too!

"You must be a serial killer to like that kind of drink" the first...

My worst subject is History.

That must mean I'm good at letting my past go.

The Nudist Club

(Long)

A man joins an extremely exclusive nudist club. The first day in the camp he undresses and starts walking around a bit uncomfortably. The first person he meets is an extremely beautiful busty blonde and the man gets an erection immediately. The woman notices his erection, comes up to h...

A man is driving down a country road going 45mph, and all the sudden he notices a chicken running next to him.

He couldn't believe his eyes, how could a chicken run so fast?

So he speeds up to 60mph to outrun the chicken, and after a few seconds the chicken has caught up to him! He simply can't believe it, he shakes his head and looks back and suddenly the chicken is gone. But no! He looks ahead an...

Two nuns were riding their bicycles on a cobblestone road in Rome.

The first nun said, "I've never come this way before." The second nun responded, "It must be the cobblestones."

Everyone says communism is a bad idea .

But I'm weirdly attracted to it.

It must be because of all the red flags.

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser....

Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.

One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"

Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."

"There is no band on this ship."

"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."

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[Long] I met a pirate...

At least, I think he was a pirate. I never asked, but he had an eye patch over one eye, a wooden leg, a hook where his hand should be, and a parrot on his shoulder. So I was pretty sure he was a pirate. Also, we were on the boardwalk by the beach, so I figured that's as likely a place as any for a p...

The first person to invent a drill must’ve said,

“I’ve made a groundbreaking invention!”

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Tom did like he always does....

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into
bed and falling asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with
an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of
his bed.


"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are
you?" he asked. ...

I must have ate something wrong last weekend because I had diarrhea for the next few days.

So today was the first day I felt normal, I took care of myself and I finally did myself a solid.

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I just read that the average person has sex at least three times a week.

They must have a really well paying job. I can only afford it once a month!

The Pope is visiting America

The Pope is visiting America and is being driven around in a limousine. He strikes up a conversation with his chauffeur and says “Did you know that when you become Pope, they don’t let you drive anymore?”
The chauffeur shrugs and the Pope continues, “I really miss being able to drive. Do you thin...

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in he...

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

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Two old southern bells are having iced tea

They are reminiscing of their younger years on their wraparound porch of an 18th century plantation home.


The first lady recounts in a charming antebellum drawl: "You see these earrings? These 24k gold diamond earrings? My husband got me these on our 5th anniversary."


The seco...

Jenny: wow, Mr. Daniels, you must be old enough to have known Moses!

Mr. Daniels: No, Jenny, I am not! It wasn't funny when Ben Franklin said it, and it's not funny when you say it!

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The Will

His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and two sons, are with him.
He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready, he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybi...

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A science teacher tells his class...

"Oxygen is a must for breathing and life. It was discovered in 1774." A blonde student responds, "Thank God I was born after 1774! Otherwise I would have died without it."

The bicycle [long]

Two priests were talking, when one of them tells the other that his brand new bicycle has been stolen. He says that it must have been a member of his congregation, as he last saw it at the church.

The other priest says, "This Sunday, during Service, have your congregation recite the Ten Comma...

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The Greatest hunter [long]

There once was a hunter who had some guest over to his house and was giving them a tour of his trophy room. At the entrance of the room there was a great giant white Gorilla, they asked him about it, he said: -"I spent three days and three nights with no sleep or food waiting for him to appear, he f...

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The man who had 3 balls

This guy was born with 3 balls and when he got older, he started worrying about it. So he goes to the doctor.
‘Doc, I’ve got 3 balls. Am I abnormal?’
The doctor examined the guy’s sack. Ran a few tests.
‘Mate, you’re perfectly healthy and your balls are fine. Look at this way...you’re proba...

A Genie grants a person 3 wish

The genie says “I shall grant you 3 wishes, ask what you must”

The man replies “I want a world without lawyers”

“Granted, you have no more wishes left” said the genie

The man exclaimed “But wait! You said 3 wishes!”

Genie replied “Sue me”

A guy walks into the doctors office..

Doctor tells him, you must take it easy with those eggs.
Guy asks , why ? Is my cholesterol high.
No, the doc answers, but your farts are killing me.

A ship is ambushed in the open ocean.

After a couple hours of combat, the crew is overwhelmed and pirates come aboard. They proceed to line up the captured men and one by one ask who they think the best sailor is on their vessel. The majority of men say that the lookout Seamus has the most experience under his belt. Hearing this the pir...

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A woman took a flight for the first time

A while into the flight the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her, rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make ...

A priest is driving home

When suddenly his car breaks down, and he must go ask the local farmer for a horse. The farmer obliges, but says that this is a HOLY horse, so you had to say "Praise the Lord" to make it go, and "Amen" to make it stop.

The priest says okay. So he starts off. About a mile down the road, the ho...

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One year for christmas I got a lump of coal from santa..

So, the next year I decided to poison the bastard.
Unfortunately, somehow.. he must have found out my plan.. Cause when I woke up the next day, he had killed my dad with the exact same poison I had used..
Learn from my mistake people.. Don't mess with santa

Mario goes to court

The judge says: “you must pay the court $12,000.”

Mario, surprised, asks: “Why?”

The judge replies: “It’s a fine.”

Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: “No itsa not.”

A kid went to his father and asked, "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this nice girl.”

Father: "That's great son. Who is it?"
Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."
Father: "Oh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise me not to tell your mom Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but life goes on...

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind.

But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking ...

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A traveler checked in at a hotel that advertised widely as offering

everything a client might desire.  The traveler at once called room service.  "I want to have brought to my room," he said, "a young virgin
between the ages of 18 and 19, who must have blonde hair and blue eyes. I also want sent up 4 pieces of strong rope, each exactly 4 feet in
length, and a ...

I know a nun who has a tendency to go around wearing a horrible garment made of German sausages

It must be her Wurst Habit

A rabbit walks in to a cake shop.

He walks up to the counter and asks " Do you have a birthday cake with spinach?" "No I'm sorry we don't" says the store clerk. "Ok" says the rabbit and promptly bounces out of the store. The rabbit comes back a couple of times and asks the same question and gets the same answer so the store owner de...

Oedipus wants to learn of his fate.

He travels to Thebes to consult the blind prophet Tiresias and asks him, "What does my future hold?"

Tiresias thinks quietly for a time and answers, "First you'll murder your father."

Oedipus is shocked to hear that he'll become a killer, but there must be more to his fate.

He ...

Respectfully cheating

Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. ...

Why is it so hard for me to get karma?

Apparently for everyone else, it's a piece of cake.

(It is my understanding that you must post something on your cake day).

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I took this art class and the teacher said, “draw anything.”

So, of course, your boy likes wordplay, so I decided to draw water.

I call the teacher over to look at my artwork that I finished and she said, “You didn’t draw anything.”

I said “Yes I did.”

She said, “No you didn’t.”

I said “Um... last time I checked, water was clear, s...

George comes home to his apartment, drunk as a skunk, and says to his roommate Ted, "I just visited Joe's Tavern. It's the best one I ever visited. It even had a solid gold toilet!"

"Cool!" says Ted. He is so excited, he calls up Joe's Tavern. "My roommate told me all about your solid gold toilet!" he says.

"What?" sputters Joe the bartender on the other line. "We don't have a solid gold toilet!"

Ted hangs up the phone. "You must have been drunkenly mistaken," he ...

Are you RACIST?

Why, yes, I am R.A.C.I.S.T:

Respect my friend's different beliefs

Adore the little quirks in their traditions

Care for my friends, no matter their skin color

Inform myself on what taboos I should never break

Smile when they speak their native tongues

The Fre...

Why can't you hang around after a yoga class?

Because, none must stay.

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A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

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A pregnant woman was robbed and shot One night while out buying groceries, a pregnant woman was robbed and shot three times. She managed to survive, but the doctors were unable to remove the bullets from her body.

Even with the trauma her body sustained, she was still able to deliver a healthy set of triplets a few months later, two girls and a boy. The years went by and there was never any indication that the children were harmed by the attack, so she was eventually able to move past the whole ordeal, never ...

A World War I French fighter pilot walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender, orders a glass of red wine and walks over to a beautiful woman. Taken to him, he passionately kisses her on the lips and then takes a sip of wine.

“I am Jacque La Roque, famous French fighter pilot! When I have the red meat I must have the red wine.

She rep...

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

For the bridge enthusiasts out there: I think my ex must have been a bottom supported bridge with a track running down the middle.

Cantilever alone without someone running a train on her.

Work in progress, needs fine tuning.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the ...

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A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

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