A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

Hey girl, are you a non essential trip to the supermarket?

Because you got FINE written all over you

Being deemed an "essential worker"

Is like being condemned to summer school while the rest of the students are off.

You ever heard of silent tennis?

It’s essentially tennis but without the racket.

Winning is essential

Because the only person that will remember you coming second is your girlfriend.

There were two odd conferences at the same hotel at the same time. One was for camping, the other was for aquatic mammals. They were essentially, more or less, basically, virtually...

...for all in tents and porpoises

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Do you understand the essential difference between sex and conversation?

No? Do you want to go upstairs and talk?

Me: I only got the bear essentials.

Wife: You mean bare essentials.

Me: *removes live salmon from mouth* I said what I said

What's the definition of an essential worker?

Someone who is only paid enough to buy the essentials.

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How can anything be extra virgin?

This is a long story, you might want to sit down.

Back in the glory days of the Roman Republic, they had six Vestal Virgins who served the goddess Vesta. One year several died of a plague, and it was essential that the number be brought back up to 6 so the various rites could be performed, l...

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I was thinking the other day, why don't they just put advertisements on the Hulk?

Essentially hes just a giant Banner.

Carl and Clarance lived on opposite sides of the Mississippi River..

They lived their whole lives right across the river from each other, way back in the day. The nearest bridge across was 100 miles away, and both were too poor to afford an automobile, so from their youth they made a past time of shouting insults to one another from across the river.
For many yea...

Apparently Liquor Stores are, “Essential Business,” in New York City

After all, it’s the only way Mayor DeBlasio could manage to make the worst possible decisions in every situation he has ever been in.

A husband and wife went out shopping for essentials to avoid the corona virus.

After picking up a package of toilet paper, the husband glanced up and noticed another man walking towards them. The husband then shouted something incomprehensible , grabbed his wife by the arm and quickly ushered her into another aisle. The wife was upset as he had embarrassed her- everyone was l...

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How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.

But it's essential that the lightbulb wants to change.

As much as these Karens talk about their essential oils

They sure do want nonessential businesses to reopen

I tried my wife's essential oils for the first time today.

Worst french fries I've ever had.

Graybeard engineer

The Graybeard engineer retired and a few weeks later the Big Machine broke down, which was essential to the company’s revenue.  The Manager couldn’t get the machine to work again so the company called in Graybeard as an independent consultant.

Graybeard agrees. He walks into the factory, take...

What did the professor say when his student asked if pyramids were essentially squares?

Yes, but only up to a point.

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[NSFW] Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

What do you call an essential Walmart employee?

A Walmartyr.

News: Los Angeles to reopen gun shops as "essential" businesses.

Just in time for the reopening of the schools next week.

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We Japanese cherish erections

It is an essential part of our riberty

People have been using crystals and essential oils to protect themselves from covid.

Their corpses smell great and look very fashionable.

Essential retail workers still have to deal with stuck-up shoppers who just won't stay home.

They're in karentine.

What essential oil works best for getting rid of people?

Pepper spray

Yes, boss, I know I'm considered essential..

But so are those pyramid scheme oils, and they don't work, either.

Today at my gas station job someone told me I’m essential

And it’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

This year i turned 20 and I've never used essential oils

Which makes me wonder just how essential they really are.

They said essential oils would solve all my problems.

I tried it but my car still won't start.

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It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution...

And 1 generation since I fucked your mom.

Just like you, progress is slow.

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The Big Bang Theory

# Some Background Info

The TV show "The Big Bang Theory" was created by Chuck Lorre. At the end of each episode he inserted a one screen humorous comment.

While season 4 was being produced, the lead actress had a horseback riding accident unrelated to the show which caused her a broke...

What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?

Bicarbonate of Yoda

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Essential oils are bullshit.

I've drank three bottles and now I have a headache AND diarrhea.

Essential oils

I told my wife that I have a headache, she says to rub this essential oil on my forehead. So I do. After a few hours my wife asked “is your headache gone?”

I replied “nope.......you’re still here!”

One day, daughter shack came to Mama and Papa shack and told them that she wanted to be a comedian.

“But you're not funny," said Mama shack.

Seeing his daughter's roofline sag in disappointment, Papa shack spoke up. "Maybe we could get you a coach?"

Daughter shack smiled with joy, and as she left, Papa shack arranged for a coach.

The coach came, a part time tiler who pr...

Karen got hired to an offshore rig during the pandemic.

She's an essential oil worker now.

It's actually very easy to become a successful beat boxer. You only need two essential items:

Boots and cats

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All dick jokes are essentially the same

they just vary in length.

Human fetuses are essentially the same as the creature from Alien. Only they take longer to gestate, and if they don't kill you on impact, they'll do it slowly over the course of years...

My mom says such silly things when she drinks hehe

What item of clothing is essential for a spy?

Sneakers

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Instead of trying to determine what is fake news, people should just use a trustworthy source that is known for its accuracy and high content standards.

Personally, I get my news on Facebook, because the reporters always provide all the facts and live their ideals.

It is efficient, too. For example, in less than 5 minutes this morning, I found 9 essential oils that can cure me of my sexuality, discovered that those vaccines I had 20 years ago...

I have now survived 21,364 days and 13 hours without using essential oils or eating kale.

Thank you for your prayers and support during these trying times.

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Nescafe and the Lord’s Prayer

The marketing Director of Nescafe manages to meet with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers: 'Your Eminence, I have some business to discuss. We at Nescafe have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if ...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

Knock knock

Who’s there?

- Coronavirus

Coronavirus wh...*cough* *cough* *cough*

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Didn't like shopping there anyway

Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout
queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot ...

The imgur community is essentially the reddit community's younger sister

She likes to think that she's edgier and smarter than you are, but she's really just obnoxious, pretentious, rude, and offensive

Quite frankly its the stores fault for all this looting..

..they essentially painted a large Target on their forehead

Indian restaurants in my town will not be allowed to open, even after the lockdown is over.

They are deemed to be a Naan essential business.

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What do you call strippers who work during a pandemic?

Essential twerkers.

A boy in egypt collects water at the nile

A crocodile sees this boy and slowly swims to the boy. The boy notices the crocodile to late and tries running away. He trips over a root and falls. The crocodile swallows him trying to devour him completely. As the boy is almost completely within the crocodile with only his head is sticking out, a ...

What's the difference between GTA V Online and a non-essential government employee?

Nothing neither one has been working since Tuesday...

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

I was planning a school shooting, but had to cancel it because of the virus.

Apparently filming school documentaries isn't "essential".

During shelter in place, I realize that I miss people, place, and things.

So nouns. I essentially miss nouns.

Why did the quarantine shut down the Indian Cuisine?

Because it was a naan-Essential business.

Olive oil sale prohibited during COVID-19 lockdown

Only essential oils can be bought.

Have you ever wondered what MARINE stood for?

Muscles. Are. Required. Intelligence. Not. Essential.

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Program for a mobile device. 3 letters

Wife: App

Husband: Common Jewish surname, 5 letters

Wife: Stein

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Male poss...

A secret governmental team was recently discovered...

There are 5 members, all equipped with their own devastating properties:

First is Wall, a bulky tank that has the strength capacity to destroy a brick wall in a single punch. His threatening amount of muscles can make the strongest men run in terror.

Next is Ssss. Nobody knows much abo...

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog.

You understand it better, but it dies in the process.



See what I did there was use the frog as an analogy to show that exposing the inner workings of a joke would essentially deprive it of its life in that it's not funny anymore. I'm drawing a parallel (and so is E. B. White) to how y...

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Three men find themselves at the pearly gates.

The first one approaches Saint peter. "Welcome to heaven's highways my friend" Peter says, "let me ask you, have you ever committed adultery or cheated on your spouse?". The first man admits there was one woman he had dated a while ago, but he apologized to his wife and ended it pretty quickly. Pete...

Two comedians were having a judged competition for telling original knock, knock jokes.

They were both disqualified as the whole competition was essentially a knock off

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A teacher and his students are in the Anatomy class.

It's the first class of the semester, and everyone is eager to learn.

The professor starts "The first thing one has to do to become a good doctor is to be a good observant. The second one is to never, ever feel disgusted by anything."

After this observation, the teacher leads the stud...

A Taxi driver walked into a bar

"Anyone here call a taxi?" He asked

"Over there" replied a stern voice.

The Taxi driver turned his head to see a gruff old man pointing to a young fellow in his thirties snoozing at a table.

The taxi driver walked over to the young man and saw a note next to his head.

...

Did you hear Karen’s dead?

America heard she had essential oils

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My Grocery Store Experience

5-7min read. Based on a true story.

---

I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up some ingredients to make breakfast for the week. I already had a few essentials picked out like Milk, Eggs, & Bacon. Yes, Bacon is an essential. I moved to the cereal aisle but got stuck decidin...

I was in the supermarket the other day

My mum sent me in to get the essentials bread, milk etc.

So I got the bread, sugar, fruit and I made my way done to the milk aisle.

But I saw this old man, throwing cheese and milk everywhere.

I thought, how dairy...

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Grandpa and grandson

[[[ PLEASE DON'T JUDGE MY GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION, IM WORKING ON IT.]]]

[[[ THIS IS A LONG ONE ]]]


Timmy, a boy at the age of 8. Is on vacation with his grandparents in Cannon beach, Oregon.

The very first day of Timmy's arrival, he asked his grandpa if they could go straigh...

Obama, Hillary and Trump

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing at the throne of heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must ask you what you have learned, what you believe in."

God asks Obama first: “What do you believe?"

He thinks long and hard, looks God in the eye, an...

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What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a marriage conference, Frank and his wife Ann heard the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know things that are important to their spouse. MEN. Can you name and describe your ...

I think my mechanic is an antivaxxer

He gave me essential oils for my broken car.

Technology

Google has a purchase recommendation feature.

It essentially looks over your shoulder when you are on the computer. It scans your emails, sees what you are doing on-line, what sites you frequent, who you talk too, what you talk about and what you spend your money on. Then it tells you what y...

Did you know that in malaria ridden areas, muslims are not required to remove shoes when entering their praying buildings?

Mosque-y toe control is essential.

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A man dies and ends up in Hell...

When he arrives, the Devil is there to greet him. "Welcome to Hell!" he says, "Now that you're here, you must choose from one of three kingdoms to spend the rest of eternity in. Be warned, however: once you make your choice, you can never leave that kingdom!"

So the devil takes the man to the...

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The Mysterious Bottle of Ketchup

A man wants to throw a party, so he heads into a grocery store looking for supplies. He grabs a shopping cart and combs through the aisles, grabbing everything he could possibly need for the party.

He's about to head out and he does a final mental check of the things he needs. He realises he...

Prom

You remember prom, you know how it works. You have the 3 essentials: the tux, the corsage, and the limo.

Obviously I’m late to getting a date so everything I’m getting is last minute about a week before the big day.

I go to stop number 1, the tux shop. I pull up and I see this huge li...

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A man walks into a bank

He's accompanied by a broker. The man asks to speak to someone about making a large deposit, so the banker sends him straight to the boss.

"Good morning," says the man, "I'm here to deposit $40,000.

"Well now," says the banker, "how did you acquire such funds? We like to keep a clean n...

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Scottish Flirting

A couple went out to the pub in Scotland for a few drinks. The boyfriend went to the loo, leaving his girlfriend alone at the bar.

A sauced fellow approaches her at the bar. "Wow," he says in his thick accent, "you're so beautiful! If yous was my girlfriend, I'd kiss ye all over!"

The ...

A construction company was building a new highway

A construction company was building a new highway through the countryside. At one point, it was time to build a highway exit, but they encountered a problem: They didn't know what to name it.

2 people, Steve and Dave within the company were discussing the problem. Both of them were quite stum...

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A secretary received an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a "Thank You” note the following day.

The boss's wife read the note and filed for divorce.

The note said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in hea...

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A woman asks her most understanding friend for advice before her date.

Her friend asks what she thinks the problem in her love life is.

"Well, they tend to leave as soon as I start talking about politics. It's a part of my identity and I just can't help it."

The friend advises her to say everything in her head and judge whether it's political before sayin...

what do peasants use in place of aromatherapy?

essential toils

What is reincarnation? A cowboy asks his friend.

It starts, his old pal told him, when your life comes to an end.

They wash your neck and comb your hair and clean your fingernails,

And put you in a padded box away from life's travails.

The box and you goes in a hole that's been dug in the ground.

Reincarnation starts in...

What's the difference between Reddit and research?

Originality is essential for research.

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Life of a salesman

So a department store famous for carrying everything is looking to hire a new sales associate. They have narrowed it down to two candidates. They decide to do a trial run and give them each a week to see who earns the highest commission to see who gets the job.

The first guy comes in every d...

The man and the missing girl

A man got up one day and did his usual, went out in the morning to the shop for a few essentials. As he shopped he saw a poster about a missing girl...

“Young girl, teens, with blue eyes and blonde hair. Always smiling” it read.

He continued with his day, and the next, and the next....

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Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island...

...but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to p...

Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head.

Mama asked the mom group and the mom group said: Have you tried essential oils? I hear hyperactivity is a vaccine injury. I'm calling CPS.

Mini-Skirt Speech

My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!

Doc: "Is this better, or is this better?"

Patient: "They're both terrible..."
Doc: "OK, C.... or D?"
Patient: "Why does it even matter?"
Doc: "E... or F?"
Patient: "Who cares... Everything is awful..."
Doc: "Okay sir, you're going to have to leave."
Patient: "Whatever"

And that, my friends, illustrates t...

CIA assessment center

After the standard round of interviews, a good dozen of applicants sit before the director of the CIA office.

"Trust is central to our business, ladies and gentlemen. Still, intelligence, precision and punctuality are nearly as essential. So, to the test: You have an envelope with a coded add...

There was once a marathon runner who had become quite famous and won many awards for his records.

He was so well liked that eventually he became the president of Iran. During his tenure he managed to take over multiple countries including Azerbaijan, Bulgaria, Greece, Armenia, Georgia, Iraq and Syria. They were all assimilated and became a part of Iran. The only country he didn’t manage to take ...

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A man goes to his doctor

and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results. "Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?" "Why, yes," replied the man. "And did you have sex while over there?...

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A man was fighting an infection that was spreading on his body.

He had to go to the hospital immediately when the infections got worse. He didn't go before because he didn't have money and his wife couldn't support their family well enough if she were to help him pay.

"I'm really sorry John", mumbled Ashley as she sobbed.

John's infection got so mu...

The Bible says 'a man who lies with another man should be stoned'

I mean, it's not essential, but it helps.

Why do most cats not respond to us calling them?

Because essentially we are catcalling them.

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