My wife asked me to pick up some of those pills that help with getting an erection.

So I brought her home diet pills.

Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment.

Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.

So I was at the bank today and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.

Well I was not very impressed, she fell over on the first try.

I saw a kid being beaten up by 2 other kids so I decided to help

No way that little brat can resist the three of us

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am insecure about my penis size, and going to a naked park in Germany didn’t help

Just as I was beginning to feel confident, a group of german girls walked by, pointed at my dick, and said “gross”.

Now I think it’s too small *and* it looks gross.

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection....

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

I need help with my sewing

Whoops, wrong thread

What did the prison guard say when Epstein cried for help?

"I'll be right there, just hang on for a minute."

What do you call pac-man when he’s helping you with your garden?

A weed-wakawaka

My crush asked my help to impress a boy. So I told her we should pretend to date to make him jealous.

We've now been married for 10 years and have a kid and she hasn't made any progress with that guy. Maybe I should stop beating him up every time he tries to meet her?

Nah. Need to stay in character.

I got an email from a Nigerian Prince asking me for $100,000 to help him build a business and in return I am promised 10 fold. What does he think I am a fool?

I already invested in a Prince from Qatar for half the price last week. Sucker can’t scam me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly man walked into a waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, how may I help you?” “There’s something wrong with my fucking dick”, he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The Receptionist replied; “You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discuss...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

I saw a guy at the beach yelling, “Help! Shark! Help!”

I was like, “I don’t think that shark is going to help you.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

Without anyone's help, I created mints that each weigh 1/16 of a pound...

I make my own announcemints now.

Need some help

So my friend and I have been trying to think of some vegetable jokes but are struggling.

If anyone has one please lettuce know

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

Help! Short Military Jokes Needed

Presenting to a group of a couple hundred for Veterans Day and am looking to add a few jokes between presentations. Looking to poke fun at the different services with quick 2-3 sentence jokes. Anyone have an good quick jabs or jokes they could share?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Told my wife that I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night

The smartest detective in the world was brought in to help solve a terrible crime...

"We have a lot of suspects, sir," said the officer. "Why don't you tell me about them?" asks the detective.

"Well first, we found this guy hiding in the bushes." - "It wasn't Russell," replies the detective.

"How about the wife of this hippie?" - "Mississippi? Not her."

"We got...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

I didn't think that going to the chiropractor would help.

I stand corrected.

First attempt at cooking for my Italian girlfriend, she's due here any minute, and I think I royally screwed up the meal. Need help urgently!

Thyme is a factor.

So early this morning im eating breakfast when my wife asks me if I can help her in the living room.

I said; "I can't, I have a lot on my plate."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cigarette after sex helped me...

...to quit smoking

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.

He said nah, I’m not really Inuit.

I helped lead a blind man into our local supermarket today.

I mean we were aiming for the car park but I'm a driving instructor, not a miracle worker.

I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...

...but he really knew how to make an entrance.

If you have a camp to help people with ADHD...

would it be called a concentration camp?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

i just helped my uncle jack off a horse.

I just helped my Uncle Jack off a horse.

Capitalisation matters.

Patrick's wife Phyllis wanted to help Patrick be less literal minded, so she decided to present him with a scenario. "You're alone in the desert with a lamp that you've rubbed that produced a genie who said he'd grant you three wishes". Patrick didn't even have to think before responding...

"No I'm not".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to sincerely thank everyone on Reddit for helping me deal with my sarcastic personality disorder

Fuck you

[Help]

I have a patient today who has been in the hospital for over a week. They have no short term memory but they are super sweet, and all they want are some good jokes. Just looking for some simple non dirty jokes that I can share with them today.

Thanks in advance!

Going into IKEA before I felt bad but couldn't help laughing at an old couple who seemed to be confused about how to exit the revolving doors.

Anyways, two hours and 15 meatballs later I was wheeling my new dining set, garden furniture and flatpack coffee table out when I too found myself stuck in the revolving doors. Oh how the tables turned!

I just helped my neighbor bury a rolled up carpet in the woods.

Her boyfriend would've helped, but he's out of town.

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can some one help me write my girlfriend a love letter?

Is buttcheek one word or are they spread apart?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you start masturbating with your leg then you should get help

Because obviously things have gotten out of hand

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a little person walking to a moving van carrying a flatscreen and asked him if I could help him with his tv.

He said "fuck you man, this is my ipad!" What a jerk.

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

A teenager went to United Nations for help...

The UN judge asks, "Want are you afraid of?"

He replies,"My face is so oily, I'm afraid the US would invade me."

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, ‘Father,may I ask a favor?’

‘Of course child. What can I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electric hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Under your robes ...

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"

I said no, 6 should be enough.

I like you helping me in the kitchen, Kevin, but do you use drugs?

— No, mom, I swear!
— So, why you're cutting onions with the credit card?

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a kid I remember a joke that went something like this: if your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof would you help your uncle Jack off?, I know not too funny! Well years later my then 8 year old son comes home from school and said he heard a joke, I said let’s hear it. And he said,..,

“If your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof would you help him down?” And then said he didn’t get it! I thought it was hilarious!

Professor X: What’s your superpower?Me: Hindsight Professor X: That’s not going to help us

Me: Yes, I see that now.

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do the Hong Kong police like to show up to work early?

They like to beat the crowds.

Edit: WTF is wrong with you people?
I know dark humor is like a kid with cancer, it never gets old but, 2 shiny bottle caps?? NO!! Send that money to the protesters, or groups helping them, in Hong Kong.

Edit 2:
Add edit to first comment.
Also he...

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

A very attractive female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out:

"Are you okay?"

"I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"Why don't you come up to my villa, rest for a while, and I'll help you get the car...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

I was helping my grandpa fold some laundry yesterday and noticed something odd. On one shirt he had a silloutte of Sherlock Holmes, on another a picture of Harry Potter, on a third was printed an image of Frankenstein, and on a fourth, a girl who appeared to be Anne of Green Gables.

I asked my grandpa, "Are all these graphic shirts really yours?"

"Yes they are, " my grandpa replied sheepishly "I just can't resist buying novel tees."

I help blind people in my spare time

I mean the verb not the adjectif

I got fired from my job today, for helping a client.

Apparently, you aren't supposed to give ideas on how to die, when they call you at Suicide Helpline number.

My girlfriend broke up with me and I’ve been having a tough time getting over her. My friend said I should try having a one night stand, and I gotta say, it really helped!

The tissues are much closer to my bed now when I cry myself to sleep!

I went to a bookstore and asked the woman behind the counter where the self-help section was.

“If I told you, that would defeat the whole purpose.”

If a dog works hard investigating and helps catches criminals and listens to a cop, it's a Police Hound

but if the dog did the same thing but listened to a Private Investigator it's a Snoop Dog

Can anybody help me with a crossword clue?

Where they nailed Jesus (2 across)

A man is driving along a country road and sees a sign; "$5 for talking dog, take next left."

Thinking this is some sort of joke, the man decides to check it out. So the man takes the left onto a a farm, and a farmer comes out.

F: You here about the dog?

M: Yeah, does the dog really talk?

F: Sure does, come here and I'll show ya.

The man and the farmer walk to the...

Thanks to the person who helped me translate 'mucho' earlier!

It means a lot.

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘d...

I am taking a test and I need to know what element Au is. Can someone help me?

I'm going to fail this test if I don't have the answer

I bought this white noise generator to help me sleep better

But it kept waking me last night by shouting "all lives matter" and demanding to speak to my manager.

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom...

I was suffering from acidity, so my friend was helping me find ways to burp at will

Will did not appreciate it.

I like to help blind kids in my free time.

I used to use bleach but now I find a good old fashioned eye gouge is just as effective.

PATIENT: Doctor, I need your help. I’m addicted to checking my Twitter!

DOCTOR: I’m so sorry, I don’t follow.

I'm trying to start a chewing gum recycling company...

I just need a little help getting it off the ground.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I prayed to God to help me stop masturbating.

And now I’m never allowed back at that church.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into a bank, and the clerk asks "Can I help you sir?"

A guy goes into a bank.

Clerk: "Can I help you, sir"

Guy: "Yea you fucking bitch, I want to open a fucking account"

Clerk: "Please there’s no need for cursing"

Guy: "I just want to open a fucking account."

Clerk: "Sir I’ll help you but watch your language"

S...

I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me "Do you need help?"

I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"

My boyfriend started a bee farm to help save the bees

I think he's a keeper

I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the "self help" books.

She said "that sort of defeats the purpose doesn't it"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank. I was just trying to be helpful...

But apparently telling all the patients “It sure takes balls to do what you’re doing” wasn’t appreciated

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a little-known legend about Attila the Hun…

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man driving past a farmer tilling his land says “excuse me sir, my cat lost it’s tail and I noticed you have some cattails over there”...

Confused, the farmer says “Yeah?...” “Can I take one, please?” The man asks politely.

“Suuuure...” the farmer says, rolling his eyes. The man comes back, a real cat’s tail in hand, says “Thank you, sir!” and carries on down the road as the farmer looked on in disbelief.

The next day th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

The mining industry wants to put out a radio advert to help with recruitment. They hire a jingle writer, and he asks them what key he should write it in.

They said: "B minor".

Does anyone know of any actors that can help cure my lisp?

I’m pretty sure Anne Hathaway, but I’m going to ask Colin Firth.

I followed an ugly person on Instagram to try to help raise their self esteem

but all it said was "Edit Profile".

Me: this math stuff isn't gonna help us in the real world

\[20 years later\]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh

My wife suggested that I do a little light reading to help me relax

I feel worse than before. My eyes hurt, I have a headache and I only managed to make out the words 'Made in Taiwan 100W".

A friend came over to help move some furniture but ended up with a hernia

And now it looks like he's just going to hang out for the rest of the day.

A woman is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.

&nbsp;

&nbsp;

The woman laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.



The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. Th...

A man suffering from terrible stress goes to a psychiatrist for help...

He sits on the couch and jitters nervously.

"What seems to be the problem," the Psychiatrist asks.

"Well Doc, I've been having these two reoccurring dreams for months, and they're really starting to worry me. I'm sleeping less because I'm scared and it's taking a toll on me"

"I...

So I'm cleaning out my refrigerator and couldn't help to notice what a great blue cheese selection I have.

Not intentionally.

A man goes to his doctor: "Help, doc! I woke up this morning and lost my voice!"

Doctor: "Good morning sir. How may I help you?"

I'm a Jehovah's Witness and I need help.

The door is locked

I like to help people find things...

by pointing out that it’s got to be around here somewhere.

My friend used to help blind children

Now he is is jail for putting bleach into their eyes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been seeing a therapist for help with my narcissism.

But honestly, I think I've been doing most of the work.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses

He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911.
"My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead."

There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

A man bought a bar

A couple years after running the place by himself, he noticed a stray puppy living in the alley behind it. He took the dog in and they became inseparable.

He named the dog Blackie and brought her to work with him every day. He taught her some bar tricks that the customers absolutely loved, e...

I can't help but feel sad after taking a dump

I always end up feeling so empty inside.

Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.

Edit: Just kidding. China is a wonderful place. They treat us well and care very much about our human rights. Thank you.

A farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows.

"Easy" I said.

"20 cows."

Studying math helps extend your life expectancy

80 minutes in math class feel like 3 hours long

A farmer has 895 sheep.

Realizing that this is quite a lot of sheep for one farm, and ol’ Jess the sheepdog is getting on in years, he decides he’ll probably need a new dog- no, a whole team of dogs- to round so many sheep up.

So the next day, the farmer goes to the pet store. He looks around at the various herding...

Why did Joe the shoemaker ask for help from the carpenter?

Wooden shoe like to know?

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cat is sick, and I'm having a lot of trouble trying to get him help.

No matter how many gynecologists I call, none of them will treat my pussy.

A single mother in front of me at the store came up short for her groceries because her food stamps ran out. I've been in that situation before so I figured I'd help her out.

God knows there were a LOT of groceries, but I helped her put every item back on the shelf.

I helped my wife design her marijuana costume for the fancy dress party.

It was a joint effort.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] When I was 12 I was super sad, so I went to the Catholic Church for help...

But then I was just fucking depriest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I helped my friend Richard move into his new home,

It was a total Dick move.

A snail crawls into a Tesla dealership...

A salesman asks how he can help. The snail says, "I want a Model S."

The salesman scoffs and says, "You're a *snail.* Why would you want a Tesla Model S?"

The snail sadly replies, "Nobody ever pays attention or even notices me. I can't seem to make friends or meet girls. I figure i...

I’ve started deliberately getting hard before taking a leak. It helps me avoid getting any on the seat or floor.

You could say I please to aim

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Carl is into the tenth year of his life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's compone...

I just donated £50 to an LGBT group.



I really hope it helps them find a cure.

A cheap zoo lost its gorilla and instead of paying for one they hired a guy in a gorilla costume to act like a gorilla.

When the people came to see him he pounded his chest and moved like a gorilla. Right under him was a lions cage.

While he was running around chanting like a gorilla, the bottom of his cage broke and he fell into the loins cage.

He started screaming and yelling "help me, help me"
...

Jesus and Moses are sitting in a boat, in the middle of a lake.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “Check out what I can do!” He proceeds to stand up in the boat, strike his staff, and boom! The water parts and the boat is resting on the bottom! After holding the water back for a few seconds, he releases his hold on the water. “I bet you can’t do anything that beats...

I've heard Bananas can help stop diarrhea..

But I just don't know whether to take off the peel before inserting it.

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the supermarket when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy:

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

"That's okay," the young guy says. "It's a coincidence really because I'm looking for my wife, too."

"Well, maybe I can help you find her. W...

When it started raining my girlfriend couldn’t help starring intently through the window.

I didn’t care though i wasn’t going to let her in.

Two men meets on opposite sides of a river...

One shouts "I need you to help me get to the other side!"

The other says "You are on the other side!

Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.

They are already experts at recycling.

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An anthropologist visited a local translator in Zimbabwe.

"I'd like to set up a meeting with the nearby Xhosa tribe," he said. "But I haven't had any luck finding them. Can you help me send a message?"

The translator smiled. "Ah yes, they are difficult to find. This particular tribe has very little interest in Westerners. But there is a way to arran...

I'm having trouble introducing this mendicant who's trying to sell roses, can you come help me out?

Only you can present florist friars.

A guy's boat sunk,

a boat came up to him and said "do you need help?"

He said,"No thanks, God will save me"

Another boast came by and said, "Do you need help?"

He said,"No thanks, God will save me"

Then he drowns, When he gets to heaven,

He says,"Why didn't you save me God?"

...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

A Russian man, an Italian man, and a Jewish man all move into town.

A Russian man, an Italian man, and a Jewish man all move into town. They all want to start their own business, so each of them goes to the richest man in town and asks for a loan.
The Russian man asks, "I want to start my own business here, and I need a loan of $20,000". The rich man replies, "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What religion is your bra??

A man walked into then ladies department and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
“I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.”

'”What type of bra?”, asked the clerk.
“Type?”, inquires the man, “There's more than one type?”

“Look around”, said the saleslady, as she sh...

A man was talking to an old woman before he left on a trip to New York.

She told him that years ago, her son had left for New York and she hadn't heard from him since. He asked her what his name was and told her that he would look for him. She told him his name was John Dunn. "Tell him to call his mother," she said.

So he gets to New York and as he's walking thro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mother is cleaning the kitchen when her son calls her loudly for help.

- MOM! COME OVER HERE!

The mother replies: "I'm busy, if you need something, then *you* come over here.

The boy goes to the kitchen with his feet all dirty and says: "I stepped on the dog's shit. Where do I clean my feet now?"

There once was a scientist who helped produce many fantastic and otherworldly varieties of sodapop.

Sadly, he was only paid a flat rate, as he had no degree in fizzics.

Help finish a punchline...

Hey guys, I'm writing my first ever piece of comedic material (very amateur level) and I'm trying to finish a joke. I'm looking to see if anyone can help. The situation is that I have to share a prize with someone who I feel is beneath me so the line would resemble something like this...

"I'm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Belgians walk into a police precinct

and say: "Our Dutch friend is missing. Please help us."

Officer: "Can you describe him to me?"

Belgians: "He's tall, has blue eyes and blonde hair"

Officer: "You described half the Netherlands with this. You got anything more specific?"

Belgians: "Yeah, he has an extra p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor…

… to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint.

“Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?”

The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do.  But, I do know this witch who ...

My blonde friend Charlene phones me up to ask for help with her jigsaw puzzle

I said "Surely, you can manage a simple jigsaw puzzle without needing help?"
She said "No honesty, it's really hard. The pieces are quite similar. I've been working on it night and day for a week and I've got nowhere"
I said "what's the picture of?"
"She said "It's a cartoon chicken."
I ...

God helps those who help themselves.

To other people’s money.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.