The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"

I said no, 6 should be enough.

Shout out to those who don’t know the opposite of in.

They need the help.

Somebody sent me to reddit to get help repairing my fence?

They said you guys know a lot about reposting.

I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me "Do you need help?"

I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"

Help! I made my computer racist!

I accidentally pressed alt-right.

Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?

Therapist: You bet.

Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sexy, beautiful woman was seated next to a guy on a plane and said: excuse me, can you help me remove something from my breast, please?

The guy, shocked, said yes, of course--what is it? The woman, replied--your eyes, idiot.

Bro, can you help me name these information pamphlets?

Brochure.

I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die".

I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.

Need help cheating on a test?

Just memorize the information the day before your teacher cant catch you because its all in your head

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with a 25-inch long penis asks the God to help him.

Man: I can’t live with such a long penis.
God: Go to a lake, you will find a female frog. Ask her to marry you, she’ll say ‘No’ and you will lose five inches.

He went and asked the frog: Will you marry me?
Frog: No He lost five inches.

He thought 20 inch is still long, so he a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.

Hope so, I’ve got no tissues left.

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.

Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

I help blind kids

Verb, not adjective

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went to go help my friend jack off a horse,

But instead we gave it a blow job.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He st...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend called me for help, he said there were two women outside his house literally fighting over him. I told him he was a lucky bastard!

*“Lucky??”* he said *”No not really, the fat one is winning”*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Librarian: "Can I help you?"

Man: "I was wondering if you had the book for men with small penises?"

Librarian: "Let me check, I’m not sure if it’s in yet."

Man: "Yep, that’s the one."

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my w...

My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

My wife does not believe me, but I swear I never see her trying to get my attention to help in the kitchen.

She microwaves.

Student: "Hey professor, can I do anything to help my grade?"

Professor: "Um...it's May"

Student: "Sorry! *May* I do anything to help my grade?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was walking home from school when 2 thugs came and started beating the shit out of me. Suddenly, my brother shows up to help out.

Now I can't fight all three of them.

Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.

They are already experts at recycling.

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

I was having a real hard time finding something warm to wrap around my neck and could have used some help.

It was a scarf issue that I wish you saw.

Help! I spilled polish remover on a globe

Now there’s a hole in Europe

In my previous life, night time would never help me have erection

But morning wood

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

**So I pushed her over.**

What do you call it when someone’s unable to find someone able to help them through their pregnancy?

Having a midwife crisis

My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.

She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so s...

A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, "Please help! My daddy is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!"

He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I shoved a 12th century coin up my ass and I couldn't help but laugh

Old butt gold.

The Catholic Church are asking for donations to help rebuild Notre Dame.

You can donate via Papal

"Dad, can you help me with my homework?"

"Sure son"

"What are 5 animals that live in the ocean?"

"3 whales and two dolphins"

"Thanks dad"

"Anytime"

I need help with my crossword question 2 across

Name something Jesus was nailed to.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

Why is it a good idea to ask a cow to help you move?

Because beef stroganoff

The cell phone manufacturer Motorola has developed a new phone and is going to donate all sales proceeds to help fund the rebuilding of Notre Dame.

They’re calling it the QuasiMotorola.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Help me Reddit, how do I stop myself from having a boner on stage during my presentation? [OC]

I think it happens because I get nervous. So I try imagining the audience naked. Nothing works, help!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he'...

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, "Jump in, I can save you."

The stranded fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."

So the rowboat went on.

Then a motorboat came by. "The fellow in the motorboa...

I wonder is perineal massages help.

I’m personally torn on the matter.

A man bought a self-help book from the bookstore.

The title of the book was How to Handle Life’s Biggest Disappointments. When he opened the book to read it that night he realized all the pages were blank.

I saw an oldman struggling with his cane while crossing the street so I decided to help!

I carried his cane to the other side so it doesn't annoy him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old lady needs help getting laid...

An old lady hadn't had sex with her husband in years. While he's working one day, she went to the nearby sex shop and asks for a recommendation.

The clerk picked out a pair of crotchless panties assuring the old woman that they will surely put her husband in the mood. The old woman eagerly b...

I didn't think wearing orthopedic shoes would help

But I stand corrected

I saw a kid being beat up by 4 adults and tried to help.

Kid couldn't stand for long against 5 adults.

I was determined to get rid of my alcohol addiction without anyone´s help.

Ended up making things worse as I was drunk and self-driven.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

Somebody help me practice rock paper scissors, I suck. Ill go first.

ROCK.

I recently started working for a charity that convinces local supermarkets to give us their expiring baked goods to donate to refugees and the local homeless. We're working in conjunction with local churches to help distribute donations. All of us are there voluntarily, after all..

It's a naan-prophet organization.

A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero camisas....

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill the doctor gave me actually worked!"

"That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

Help! I think I broke my phone's speaker! All I did was convert my normal rap playlist into an emo rap playlist.

Now all I can hear is a Lil Peep.

You too can help prevent wild fires.

Just a friendly tip. Google your joke before you post it here. It will tell you when the last time it was posted to this sub. Help do your part to keep this sub trash fire free!

We all can do better to help save the planet

With this in mind, i’ve just published a book on preserving the rainforest, and what we can do as a human race to help protect it.

Its over 2000 pages long.

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!"

The psychiatrist says "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds "I'm not allowed on the couch."

I called Suicide Helpline, they didn't help me commit suicide.

They left me hanging.

So I saw a guy get hit by a car today and I couldn’t help but laugh

It was ironically a Dodge

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Doc, you gotta help me!

A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"

The doctor says "What's your problem?"

The guy says "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gi...

A wife was struggling opening a water bottle and asked the husband for help, "Are you turning the cap right?" He asked. "Of course!" she said.

She doesn't understand Lefty is loosey and Righty is tighty

Help! My brother has developed an addiction to drinking brake fluid.

Our family is worried but he says it's okay because he can stop whenever he wants.

This American woman ran up to me and said, "Help, someone robbed me as I was leaving the elevator." I said, "That's not right!"

She said, "I know, right? What shall I do?"

I said, "Start calling it a lift like normal people do."

My daughter was having problems with her G string and didn’t want her daddy’s help sorting it out.

Good thing I’m learning violin too and could help.

They say that whenever Superman hears a woman's high-pitched cry for help, he immediately comes.

BDSM must really turn him on.

I saw a guy at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed.

I knew that shark wasn't going to help him

"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."

"It's a vicious cycle."

​

"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."

"It's a viscous cycle."

​

"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."

"It's discus mic...

Help needed!

I need some advice on a pretty serious decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. There have been a few signs which I think I may be taking the wrong way and wouldn't like to falsely accuse her, but the number of these little warning flags keeps i...

A blind man is walking the busy streets of the city with the help of his guide dog...

He senses himself coming closer to a busy street with cars driving left and right beeping at each other and driving fast. The dog, urges the man to walk despite the obvious sounds of ongoing traffic. He pulls his dog back, the dog walks harder urging him to walk but the man pulls him back again even...

A catholic kid is in school and needs help

While the teacher was helping the student, he suddenly makes a mistake


Teacher: Oh, you need to erase that


Kid: I can't


Teacher: Why?


Kid: Because I didn't bring a rubber


Teacher: Why not?


Kid: Because my dad said it's a s...

Librarian: Can I help you?

Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Dave: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

How does music help after an ice storm?

If you don't C Sharp, you'll B Flat.

What rodent helps reduce your risk when trading livestock futures?

A hedgehog

My dad wants me to help him buy a tablet, but I'm not gonna do it.

There's no way I'm getting tangled up with these black-market antiquities dealers.

I saw a man in the sea screaming, 'Help, shark, help!'

I couldn't help but laugh though because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.

Can I get some help repairing my broken fence posts?

I figure there are enough reposters here that it will only take a few minutes.

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

My wife told me to go an get some pills that help with an erection...

You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just found out my new doctor is a young, drop-dead gorgeous female! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

The other day, my wife asked me if I could help her with a puzzle. She couldn't find any edges to start with and the colors all resembled each other.

After taking a look at the puzzle, I told her to put the corn flakes back in the box

A 6 legged insect came up to me and said “Help, my wife, Eve, has eaten an apple and is now trapped by the devil!” I asked him, “are you sure?”

He replied, “yes, I’m Adam-ant”

How do you help a pig that’s choking on something?

With the Hamlich manoeuvre.

Why did the student hire an Instagram model to help with his math homework?

Because it's the thot that counts

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

Who helps me most when I need to relieve stress?

My right hand, man.

A man approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back garden..

I think hes lost the plot!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Henry Heimlich, the creator of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.

Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and t...

Verizon claims they wants to make sure first responders can get the call to help people.

That is, if they pay enough.

Best knock knock joke ever..

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and...

If Russia tried to take Turkey from behind...

... do you think Greece would help ?

Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents?

Because Kanye is Trump's favourite wrapper.