I help blind kids

Verb, not adjective

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor for help. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervious I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:

Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

There are 10 commandments, not 1...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with a 25-inch long penis asks the God to help him.

Man: I can’t live with such a long penis.
God: Go to a lake, you will find a female frog. Ask her to marry you, she’ll say ‘No’ and you will lose five inches.

He went and asked the frog: Will you marry me?
Frog: No He lost five inches.

He thought 20 inch is still long, so he a...

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He st...

Shout out to those who don’t know the opposite of in.

They need the help.

My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my w...

I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”

My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.

She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so s...

I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die".

I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.

"Dad, can you help me with my homework?"

"Sure son"

"What are 5 animals that live in the ocean?"

"3 whales and two dolphins"

"Thanks dad"

"Anytime"

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.

They are already experts at recycling.

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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, "Please help! My daddy is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!"

He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"

I didn't think wearing orthopedic shoes would help

But I stand corrected

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I went to help my friend jack off a horse

But we gave it a blow job instead.

So I saw a guy get hit by a car today and I couldn’t help but laugh

It was ironically a Dodge

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Masturbation may help prevent the common cold."

Hope so, I've got no tissues left

Somebody help me practice rock paper scissors, I suck. Ill go first.

ROCK.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he'...

We all can do better to help save the planet

With this in mind, i’ve just published a book on preserving the rainforest, and what we can do as a human race to help protect it.

Its over 2000 pages long.

A Spanish man who spoke no English went into a department store to buy socks. He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

"Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here." said the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero trajes. Quiero calcetines." said the man.

"Well, these shirts are on sale this week." declared the salesgirl.

"No, no quiero camisas....

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Help me Reddit, how do I stop myself from having a boner on stage during my presentation? [OC]

I think it happens because I get nervous. So I try imagining the audience naked. Nothing works, help!

Look, I'm gonna teach you how to fulfill your fat fetish and help you seduce someone fat.

Trust me I've easily done it before. It's a piece of cake.

Lego bricks are being used to help people with dementia and alzheimers...

They are being put at the side of their beds to remind the old folks to put their shoes on when they get up...

I called Suicide Helpline, they didn't help me commit suicide.

They left me hanging.

Help needed!

I need some advice on a pretty serious decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. There have been a few signs which I think I may be taking the wrong way and wouldn't like to falsely accuse her, but the number of these little warning flags keeps i...

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "You gotta help. I think I'm a dog!"

The psychiatrist says "That's very interesting, why don't you go ahead and lie down on the couch. The man responds "I'm not allowed on the couch."

They say that whenever Superman hears a woman's high-pitched cry for help, he immediately comes.

BDSM must really turn him on.

Help! My brother has developed an addiction to drinking brake fluid.

Our family is worried but he says it's okay because he can stop whenever he wants.

This American woman ran up to me and said, "Help, someone robbed me as I was leaving the elevator." I said, "That's not right!"

She said, "I know, right? What shall I do?"

I said, "Start calling it a lift like normal people do."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Told my wife i was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

A blind man is walking the busy streets of the city with the help of his guide dog...

He senses himself coming closer to a busy street with cars driving left and right beeping at each other and driving fast. The dog, urges the man to walk despite the obvious sounds of ongoing traffic. He pulls his dog back, the dog walks harder urging him to walk but the man pulls him back again even...

My daughter was having problems with her G string and didn’t want her daddy’s help sorting it out.

Good thing I’m learning violin too and could help.

I've got a program that can help incels

We're currently beta testing it

How does music help after an ice storm?

If you don't C Sharp, you'll B Flat.

I saw a kid being beat up by 4 adults and tried to help.

Kid couldn't stand for long against 5 adults.

"You gotta help man, my bike's possessed. If I ride it, it bites me, if I don't, it still bites me."

"It's a vicious cycle."

​

"You think that's bad? My bike's turned entirely into clumpy goo."

"It's a viscous cycle."

​

"You think that's bad?! My bike's turned into a man, and then gone off to compete in the olympics."

"It's discus mic...

I saw a guy at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed.

I knew that shark wasn't going to help him

What rodent helps reduce your risk when trading livestock futures?

A hedgehog

I saw a man in the sea screaming, 'Help, shark, help!'

I couldn't help but laugh though because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.

A wife was struggling opening a water bottle and asked the husband for help, "Are you turning the cap right?" He asked. "Of course!" she said.

She doesn't understand Lefty is loosey and Righty is tighty

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Doc, you gotta help me!

A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"

The doctor says "What's your problem?"

The guy says "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gi...

How do you help a pig that’s choking on something?

With the Hamlich manoeuvre.

Why did the student hire an Instagram model to help with his math homework?

Because it's the thot that counts

Who helps me most when I need to relieve stress?

My right hand, man.

The other day, my wife asked me if I could help her with a puzzle. She couldn't find any edges to start with and the colors all resembled each other.

After taking a look at the puzzle, I told her to put the corn flakes back in the box

Best knock knock joke ever..

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and...

Can I get some help repairing my broken fence posts?

I figure there are enough reposters here that it will only take a few minutes.

A 6 legged insect came up to me and said “Help, my wife, Eve, has eaten an apple and is now trapped by the devil!” I asked him, “are you sure?”

He replied, “yes, I’m Adam-ant”

Librarian: Can I help you?

Dave: Yeah, I'm looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Dave: No...

Librarian: One day that will work.

A man approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back garden..

I think hes lost the plot!

Verizon claims they wants to make sure first responders can get the call to help people.

That is, if they pay enough.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I just found out my new doctor is a young, drop-dead gorgeous female! I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional – I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll help you in any way I can.”

I said, “I think my penis tastes funny…”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife came home early and...

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want ...

My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an erection.

So i got her some diet pills.

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents?

Because Kanye is Trump's favourite wrapper.

Wedding Same Day As Superbowl! Help Requested:

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2019 Super bowl in Atlanta. They are box seats plus airfare and hotel accommodations. He didn’t realize when he bought the tickets that it is the same day as his wedding – so he can’t go.

If you’re interested and want to go instead of him, it’s at St....

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Remember, having sex on a regular basis helps your memory significantly.

I wish you all a Happy 2015.

help: iphone 6s freezes but only when i play song "down with the sickness" any ideas??

edit: thx guys, turns out i was in "Do Not Disturbed" mode

It helps my confidence to think that iq works like golf.

The lower score wins

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"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here. What's the problem, Cobber?" "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp. Now her pussy has completely closed up!"

"Bummer, mate!!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye!"

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes ...

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I asked the librarian in my local bookshop if they had the self help book for men with small penises.

She said, “I don’t think it’s in yet.”

“Yeah that’s the one” I said!

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Help wanted: FBI Assassin

The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will ...

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Viagra says to seek help for an erection lasting more than 4 hours

Well what do I do if my erection lasts from 2018 to 2019?

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.


That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house a...

If you think Alcohol is a solution you need help

It's a solvent.

There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''.

So John and Mike went to the Mosque ...

Son needs help with homework.

He asks his father, "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad puts his book down. Pauses for a bit.

"You're my son. Of that, I'm confident."

"Yeah," says the son.

"Your best friend, Paul, he's also my son. That is confidential."

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

Help! I really dont want to get my gf Prego but...

I cant stand the way she acts when shes on the Ragu.

PLEASE HELP US! WE ARE SINKING

Hello this is german coast gaurd. What are you sinking about?

The Spitting Cobra's venom can make you go blind. What Swedish snake can help you see more clearly?

The Vindshield Viper!

I heard that milk helps babies grow but I don't think it's true

I've poured three cartons over mine and all it's done so far is cry

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into the doctors office and says, "Doc, you gotta help me, I woke up this morning and my left eye was blind!"

"Alright," says the Doctor, "have a seat and I'll check you out."

The doctor looks him in the eye, and after a second says "Well, you're going
to have to stop masturbating for a little while."

"Why?" asks the man.

"Because I'm trying to give you an eye exam."

I'm thinking of setting up a comedy group to help people going through cancer treatment

I'll call it 'A Sense of Tumor'

Did you know alcohol helps if you can't sleep?

It doesn't help you sleep, but it makes the lying awake much better!

A chicken farmer is having a problem with the number of eggs the chickens are laying. They hires 3 scientists to help them figure it out, a Biologist, A Chemist, and a Physicist.

The Biologist runs some tests and tells the farmer that the hormone levels are off and a better living condition might help.
The Chemist does some tests and tells the farmer that the feed doesn't contain enough calcium for the birds to produce eggs and suggests changing to a calcium rich diet wou...

I saw an old man being attacked by 3 men on the street.I went over to help..

With the 4 of us he stood absolutely no chance.

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. ...

I got a set of false teeth put in but couldn't pay for them, so now I have to help out at the dentist's office

I guess that makes me an indentured servant

An old and retired man walk passed a woman who shouted “Help! My son has swallowed a dime!”

The man leapt into action. He grabbed the boy by the ankles, turned him upside down, and shook him for a solid 5 minutes.

And... pling! There landed the dime on the pavement.

Gratefully, the woman said, “Oh, thank you so much, sir!”. Then she paused a while and asked “Did you use to...

Oh, you don't want me to help you dress smart?

Suit yourself.

I would help with your bdsm kink

My hands are tied at the moment though.

Real - Trying to teach my puppy basic commands and turn to reddit for help...

"Obedience Training" and "Training your dog to come on command" are NSFW topics.

I recently bought a new car in Texas - it’s malfunctioning pls help

Whenever I start the car it says “Haudi” .

If Russia tried to take Turkey from behind...

... do you think Greece would help ?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m A Great Help to the LGBT+ Community

I’ve helped girls realize they’re actually lesbians

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Help. I think my boyfriend might be gay

What do you guys think: He keeps asking me if I want a blowjob.

What do you call someone who helps you learn to fart?

A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mortician needed to identify a body, so he requested the help of the deceased's two good friends.

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician ro...

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

The Thin Swiss Wire

A crew of Swiss engineerers was tasked by their government to create a wire as thin as possible. The project took months, years to finish, but at last, they succeeded. They produced a piece of extremely thin wire. It was so thin that they could not even measure how thin it actually was. Not only tha...