The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

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An old Italian gentleman wanted to plant his annual tomato garden. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son:

"Dear Vincent, I am pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. Love, Papa."...

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My wife and I went on our honeymoon to Australia, but unfortunately, I had to dial the help line. "G'day this is Tim, you've reached the Aussie help line. How can we help ya?"

I told him, "We were in the ocean and my wife was stung by a jellyfish on her lady parts. Her vagina is completely swollen shut. It's our honeymoon, and well....ya know."

The guy on the help line replies, "Ah, bummer mate!"

I say, "I hadn't thought of that! Thanks for the advice. You'v...

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"

I said no, 6 should be enough.

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An elderly man walked into a waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, how may I help you?” “There’s something wrong with my fucking dick”, he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The Receptionist replied; “You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discuss...

I need help with my sewing

Whoops, wrong thread

I bought this white noise generator to help me sleep better

But it kept waking me last night by shouting "all lives matter" and demanding to speak to my manager.

Shout out to those who don’t know the opposite of in.

They need the help.

Does anyone know of any actors that can help cure my lisp?

I’m pretty sure Anne Hathaway, but I’m going to ask Colin Firth.

A woman is walking along a beach when she sees a man splashing around feverishly in the ocean. "Help, shark! Help!" he cries.

 

 

The woman laughs, because she knows the shark will never help that man.

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Me: this math stuff isn't gonna help us in the real world

\[20 years later\]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh

My boyfriend started a bee farm to help save the bees

I think he's a keeper

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My cat is sick, and I'm having a lot of trouble trying to get him help.

No matter how many gynecologists I call, none of them will treat my pussy.

Professor X: What’s your superpower?Me: Hindsight Professor X: That’s not going to help us

Me: Yes, I see that now.

When it's hot, my wife really likes us to blow on each other to help keep cool, but I'll be honest...

I'm not a fan.

I help blind kids

Verb, not adjective

A man goes to his doctor: "Help, doc! I woke up this morning and lost my voice!"

Doctor: "Good morning sir. How may I help you?"

I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die".

I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.

My friend used to help blind children

Now he is is jail for putting bleach into their eyes.

I’ve started deliberately getting hard before taking a leak. It helps me avoid getting any on the seat or floor.

You could say I please to aim

When it started raining my girlfriend couldn’t help starring intently through the window.

I didn’t care though i wasn’t going to let her in.

I'm having trouble introducing this mendicant who's trying to sell roses, can you come help me out?

Only you can present florist friars.

I like to help people find things...

by pointing out that it’s got to be around here somewhere.

I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the sea, yelling: "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed.
I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

A farmer asked if I could help him round up 18 cows.

"Easy" I said.

"20 cows."

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[NSFW] When I was 12 I was super sad, so I went to the Catholic Church for help...

But then I was just fucking depriest

I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me "Do you need help?"

I said "Yes, but I'm going to get whiskey instead"

My blonde friend Charlene phones me up to ask for help with her jigsaw puzzle

I said "Surely, you can manage a simple jigsaw puzzle without needing help?"
She said "No honesty, it's really hard. The pieces are quite similar. I've been working on it night and day for a week and I've got nowhere"
I said "what's the picture of?"
"She said "It's a cartoon chicken."
I ...

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

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A 20 year old man comes to his sensei to help him...

M: Sensei, my girlfriend is pregnant, but I used a condom...
S: My son, I will tell you a story:
There once lived a hunter. One day, he planned a trip in a jungle, but forgot his gun.
Suddenly a tiger shown up. He could defend only with an umbrella, so he aimed at the tiger with it, ...

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My Therapist told me this would help....

I tried to get into a Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting once, but all the seats were taken.

Help finish a punchline...

Hey guys, I'm writing my first ever piece of comedic material (very amateur level) and I'm trying to finish a joke. I'm looking to see if anyone can help. The situation is that I have to share a prize with someone who I feel is beneath me so the line would resemble something like this...

"I'm...

"You have to help me," the atom says, "I've lost one of my electrons!"

"Are you sure?" it's asked

"Yes — I'm positive!"

Sam: Hey, you need help with your college homework?

New neighbor: That depends. How bright are you?

Sam: Well, I'm so bright, my mom calls me sun.

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How can priests help troubled youth?

They give a holy fuck

Please send help. I barely hacked onto the internet from China. My country is censoring and controlling us.

Edit: Just kidding. China is a wonderful place. They treat us well and care very much about our human rights. Thank you.

Me: I'm here for medication to help with my fear of the spice girls

Doctor: we have 3 types so tell me what you want

Me[screams]

Somebody sent me to reddit to get help repairing my fence?

They said you guys know a lot about reposting.

How do you help your AC through a problem?

Gotta let it vent to you.

I asked my wife—-Can you help me with this crossword clue? It says “Overworked Mailman”.

Wife: Sure. How many letters?

Me: Too many.

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A man loses all his money in vegas, and asks his friend for help on how to tell his wife

Friend : Just say it in a *sarcastic tone* she wont believe you but you technically told the truth.

Man : Thats never going to work.

F: Watch, Hey honey, remember when i went to vegas, you know me *i just lost all our cash like good ol'jim*.

M: Its better than nothing.

la...

I wonder if anyone here can help me. Yesterday someone stole my father's favorite playing cards.

I think there were about fifty-two of them. All of them had a picture of someone riding a bicycle on one side of them, but on the other side they had different things, like letters and numbers. Some of them had some pictures of some kings and queens and other people. I know there were some red he...

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James is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Lucas, comes in to pee. He slyly looks over and is shocked at how supersize Lucas penis is. He can’t help himself, and asks him what his secret is.

“Well,” says Lucas, “every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bed three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”

James was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out hi...

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Me: Hello, Arnold? T-800, I need your help

Arnold: I’m not a terminator anymore, I’m retired

Me: But my house is filled with cockroaches & rats, please help!!!

Arnold: How‘s that my concern?

Me: If you’re retired doesn’t that make you an exterminator?

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he'...

A woman with a clipboard stopped me in the street today and asked if I could spare 2 minutes to help build a school in Africa.

I said sure, but I don’t think we’ll get much done

I've developed a cane which helps people walk faster in storms.

I call it the Hurri-cane

If a service dog without a person approaches you, it means the person is down and in need of help.

Follow the dog and you'll get a free purse or wallet.

When I offer to help you in the shower, I want a simple yes-or-no answer

Not any of this “who are you and how did you get in my house” nonsense.

Please help me find my lost horse, Black Beauty.

The horse was last seen near the white fence I was repainting.
Side note, is anyone missing a zebra?

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Queen Elizabeth and Lady Di are out for a drive in the royal car on a Sunday afternoon, and they slow down when they see a man by the roadside signaling for help.

But no sooner has the car come to a stop than he springs to the door, pulls out a gun, and orders them both out of the car. "Queen Elizabeth," he snarls, "hand over that snazzy diamond tiara you're always wearing."

"I'm terribly sorry, my good man," says the queen, "but I'm afraid I don't wea...

Hi funny people I need your help.

I have a credit card that is made of metal and is very heavy. People frequently comment on how heavy it is and I have been trying to come up with a witty response for nearly two years now. I've tried, I'm hard on things, I think they are concerned I would wear it out and I take spending seriously bu...

My colleague offered to help me filter adult contents from more than a thousand hours of video.

Nah, thanks. I'm gonna do it single handedly

So, after reading a bunch of “self-help” books, I’ve FINALLY found the secret to financial success!!

I think I’m going to write a self-help book!

Although fiber helps pass stool, you need to be careful about the type of fiber you ingest.

From my experience, T-Shirts work well but Jeans are a big no.

One day, a man saw a woman crying for help on the side of the road.

As the man approached the hysterical woman, he

notices a child on the floor gasping for air. He quickly

springs into action and immediately administers CPR

to the young child. Finally, a quarter shoots out of the

child’s throat.

The pleased woman asks, “Are yo...

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

Help! I made my computer racist!

I accidentally pressed alt-right.

My Gramps just passed away. This was his favorite joke to tell.

*Sorry for the meta of this, I'm still reeling a little. I post two or three (or ten--sorry for breaking rules) jokes on this sub every day. A lot of them are simply awful, but they're all original, and my Gramps was a huge inspiration for me becoming a comedy "writer." But this is an old joke, and ...

What do you call a reptile that needs help?

Gatorade.

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A sexy, beautiful woman was seated next to a guy on a plane and said: excuse me, can you help me remove something from my breast, please?

The guy, shocked, said yes, of course--what is it? The woman, replied--your eyes, idiot.

I saw a kid being beat up by 4 adults and tried to help.

Kid couldn't stand for long against 5 adults.

My wife's most recent obsession is growing melons, and she makes me help her in the garden.

It's always "honey do this" and "honey do that"

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Last night, while I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, I couldn’t help but wonder...

...where the fuck did the roof go?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?

Therapist: You bet.

Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.

HELP! The smelly man who just got laid on an oil rig is chasing me with a piece of bent pipe!

It’s an olfactory refractory fracking fractional flak attack!

Top Reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment.

They are already experts at recycling.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He st...

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I thought a high quality sex doll would help with my erectile dysfunction.

But it turns out good plastic is hard to come by.

I need help making my wife disappear...

For a couple hours so I can plan a surprise night out for us!

Can I help you!

A blind guy walks into a store with his seeing eye dog, lifts him up and starts swinging the dog around.

Clerk runs over to the guy and asks if he can help.

“No, just looking”

Did you hear about the mute kid wanting help?

Yeah... neither did i.

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton-balls and a ball of string on the counter.
The sales girl says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my w...

Help, I think the girl I had my first date with is homeless.

I told her to send me a text message when she got home, but it's been days.

I saw a guy getting beat up by 4 thugs today so i decided to help

The guy did not stand a chance against the 5 of us

My friend recently subscribed to HBO and asked me if I could help him with the name of the disaster TV show he had been hearing everyone talk about at work.

Apparently, it's not Game of Thrones S8.

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A man with a 25-inch long penis asks the God to help him.

Man: I can’t live with such a long penis.
God: Go to a lake, you will find a female frog. Ask her to marry you, she’ll say ‘No’ and you will lose five inches.

He went and asked the frog: Will you marry me?
Frog: No He lost five inches.

He thought 20 inch is still long, so he a...

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Everyone always says masturbation would never help me in life

But for me it really comes in handy

Bro, can you help me name these information pamphlets?

Brochure.

As the YouTube makeup influencers feuded with each other i couldn't help but wonder...

Had their relationship been built using a bad *foundation?*

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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.

I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.

She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.

Hope so, I’ve got no tissues left.

I don’t think I’d have made it through university without the help of my student loans

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to repay them

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.

He says, "No, I'm traveling light.”

Asked the librarian for a book on suicide and she said she couldn’t help me.....

....because i wouldn’t return the book.

A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, "Please help! My daddy is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!"

He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"



The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"



I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do y...

Need help cheating on a test?

Just memorize the information the day before your teacher cant catch you because its all in your head

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Told my wife i was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

Can getting struck by lightning help you lose weight?

The answer may shock you

I went to a clinic who says they can help me get taller

I asked them how do they do it and the guy said, "I'm just pulling your leg"

I told my friend that I was feeling suicidal. He told me to talk to the mental health clinic for help

They seemed totally against the idea, I guess I’ll do it myself!

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The ma...

I entered a wet T-shirt contest, and everyone couldn't help but stare at me

I just swallowed my fourth wet t-shirt, so I must be winning!

Please help me understand this math joke

If our bodies are 75% water, what is the other 50% made of.

I like to spend my summers by volunteering to help blind children

by the way verb, not adjective.

What did the selfish beaver say to the deer that asked him to help stop the flooding affecting her grazing grounds?

Frankly, my deer, I don't give a dam.

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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

Barron Trump: "Dad, can you help me with my economics homework?"

Donald: "no, son. It wouldn't be right."

Barron: "I know, but will you try it anyway?"

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My friend called me for help, he said there were two women outside his house literally fighting over him. I told him he was a lucky bastard!

*“Lucky??”* he said *”No not really, the fat one is winning”*

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I went to go help my friend jack off a horse,

But instead we gave it a blow job.

I recently hired two interns from China to help with my business

Hua Ta Yu and Biyuchica Mi. Because it was easier, they both asked me to call them by their last names.

I needed to sign up for a new online service and asked Yu to do so. I gave her my credit card and off she went. After an hour I went to see if she had completed the task and she was gone! W...

How do you help Kyle find his mom?

Look for the lady speaking to the manager.

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