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Lack Jokes

A doctor lacking empathy

"A woman has a serious accident and ends up in the hospital undergoing surgery.

Her husband waits in the waiting room, distraught, when several hours later the surgeon exits the operating room and approaches him.

'Hello, the surgery went well. Unfortunately, the recovery will be very...

My lack of Greek mythology knowledge has always been my...

Achilles elbow.

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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

I was going to write a joke about your lack of stature...

...but it would probably just go over your head.

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The lack of workers is affecting everyone. Even the porn industry is having to hire guys with small cocks.

Talk about being “short staffed.”

My girlfriend broke up with me because of my “lack of vocabulary”…

What’s that even supposed to mean?

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A friend of mine was recently injured from a lack of blood flow to his brain while he was masturbating.

He had a bad stroke!

Doctor : you have a lack of magnesium

Me : 0Mg

Objection, Lack of Foundation

Says the lawyer when Amber Heard comes in with a visible bruise not covered by makeup.

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Apparently the horniest women lack the most red blood cells. Damn..

Anaemia chick like that.

A lack of wisdom

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I just had my wisdom teeth removed," the guy tells the bartender. "How do you feel?" the bartender asks. "Kind of strange," the guy replies. "I have a sudden urge to ask my girlfriend to marry me."

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest for suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

The newspaper lacks nuance

Everything’s black and white

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I..

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

My wife got really mad at me for my lack of direction

So I packed up my things and right

How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We don’t know. Due to a lack of building regulations, they keep dying from electrocutions.

My girlfriend lacks consistency.

She's always telling me she wants me to be more positive. Now that's the very thing she's mad about after one measly trip to the health clinic.

TIL Type O blood was actually meant to be Type Zero blood, due to lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells. It was misread as type "O".

I guess you can call it a typo.

Due to the lack of space, the city morgue and the comedy club will be in the same building

This Friday is open Mike night.

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I'm lacking in moral fiber...

As a result, I don't really give a shit.

If you HAD to get rid of one race, which one would you get axe?

Personally for me it would be the 200m. It lacks the raw sprinting ability needed for the 100m, and the stamina needed for the 400m.

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Not exactly a joke, butthe usually get a great reaction. Caution: not for use with those who lack basic math skills.

Pick a number from 1 to 9, but don't tell me what it is. Multiply that number by 9. If the the result is a two digit number, add the two digits together. Now subtract 5.

Where the letters of the alphabet correspond to the numbers 1 though 26, pick the letter associated with the number you hav...

What does the Fat Acceptance Movement lack?

An actual movement.

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife...

She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

Thesauruses are, for lack of a better word,

useless

A knight Became quite lacking in energy after they shut down the Jousting Arena...

In fact he was quite listless.

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

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A Lack of Recognition

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the spiritual leader of their churches.

Baptists do not recognize each other in liquor stores or gentlemen's clubs.

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness

That came out of nowhere

After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time,

this quarantine I discovered that wasn’t the reason.

Due to lack of professional sports, ESPN televised the World Origami Championships.

It was paper view.

The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes.

I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans.

First, we bought toilet paper for a respiratory virus because we lack common sense.

Now, we have a nationwide coin shortage, which means we lack common cents!

I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.

She was lack-toes intolerant.

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My girlfriend said our sex lacked passion.

But I actually cried while watching that news report

My mom said that i'm starting to lack empathy.

I can't understand how she could feel like that.

I've heard common sense has been lacking during the pandemic.

So I only tip in pennies now.

My dad died because of a lack of exercise.

He didn't run when the bus was coming

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China’s lack of transparency on virus is fuelling rumors: US experts

It’s basically all this he said Xi said bullshit.

My doctor said I lacked an imagination

I couldn’t believe it

I broke up with a girl who was missing a few toes

Because I am lack-toes-intolerant.

How many germans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. They are efficient and lack a sense of humour.

They say one of the symptoms of Coronavirus is lack of taste

Prayers up for everyone who thinks this is a funny joke format

What does a communist state lacks of?

Of rights, everybody is a leftist.

Enough with the jokes that lack visual aid

I've had it up to here with them

I’ve noticed a severe lack of African-American students attending Hogwarts...

... I guess they don’t like black magic.

The Trump Travel ban was refused due to lack of evidence..

Apparently "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it" wasn't enough

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My wife and I were arguing earlier and she brought up my apparent “lack of direction”.

“Where the fuck did that come from?!” I said.

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Apparently there's a lack of sex education being taught in school

Which is why I'm glad the Catholic church has taken matters into their own hands.

So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War...

I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.

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Lack of sex has been making me feel incomplete. Then a girl let me touch her bum.

It’s the closest I’ve felt to hole in a long time.

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your wife told me you separated due to lack of communication.

“holy shit, we separated?!”

A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH

Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?

As a writer, my vocabulary is excellent, but my spelling is lacking...

... I thought as I gazed at the squiggly red line beneath the word solemly.

People say I lack the commitment to finish anything, and they might be right.

Because right now, I just don't care enough to

Had to get rid of my Hoover due to lack of use

It was just sitting around collecting dust

My friend is really sensitive about his lack of height.

It's best not to tease him about though, or he'll punch you in the knee.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

If Apple made a car, what would it be lacking?

Windows

My friend in Africa was complaining about the lack of drinking water in his village.

So I sent him a Get Well Soon card.

Due to lack of protective measures during the pandemic, retail cashiers and bank tellers are refusing to go to work

It's a counter strike

I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to lack of experience!!!!

That surprised me, i thought it was an entry level position. :(

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A virgin goes to a brothel...

He finds a nice young lady and the two go into a back room. He's never done this type of thing before so the hooker instructs him on what to do, telling him to begin by eating her out.

The man does as he's told, but while orally pleasuring her he comes across a piece of a carrot. He thinks t...

My girlfriend got covid

This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.

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A man was complaining about the lack of anal sex from his wife

so he went to a very old herbalist to help him resolve his issue, the herbalist said: " oh my dear boy your issue is marvelously challenging , but I will guide you; first , go to the east where you find an ancient forest, there you shall find an ancient neem tree that have a foul odor, pick up it's ...

My boss said I "lacked courage" so I walked out...

Got a coffee to calm down and returned to my desk.

I don't know why so many people lack the ability to wiggle their ears

They must have extremely short arms

(X post) After many abuses, the horse finally rebelled from the lack of food.

It was the last straw.

What do you call a god who lacks self-confidence?

An atheist. He doesn't really believe in himself.

Numerous people in Africa are falling ill due to a lack of clean water above ground

I hope they 'get well soon.'

Why do circumcised men lack Jedi brethren?

The procedure removes their force-kin.

My boss fired me because of my lack of knowledge in regards to the workplace.

After a few hours I finally found the exit.

I was just diagnosed with a severe lack of empathy.

But I'm gonna keep going strong! The last thing I will do is start feeling sorry for myself.

A man goes to the doctors to find a cure for his lack of hearing

The doctor prescribed a hearing apparatus, and scheduled him in for surgery in December.

After the surgery was complete, the man asked the doctor if everything went well. The doctor responded, "everything is fine sir. We've run our tests and you're ready to be discharged. Merry Christmas, and...

The restaurant said they couldn't seat me right away due to lack of waiters

I said, "That's alright, I'll wait".

Vera Lynn used to work at an Arctic research station. She wrote a protest song about the lack of variety in the staff canteen.

Whale meat again?

There's all this talk about the lack of women in STEM, but it's always been surprising how no one bats an eye at USPS.

After all, their workforce consists entirely of mail trucks.

I was complaining about my lack of muscle growth to a buddy of mine in the gym...

Me: I come here everyday, 3 hours each day and I look the same as I did 6 months ago.

Buddy: No whey!

The English Women's world cup team visited an orphanage. "They looked helpless. They had a lack of hope in their eyes...."

said Aurora , age 3.

I got fired from my job at the dollar store

My boss was angry that I consistently gave out the wrong change. Apparently, I lack cents ability.

Globally, the lack of awareness for women's reproductive health is a major problem. We need to grow up and understand that menstruation is not a joke.

Period.

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

I lacked confidence in my ability as a sheep shearer....until I started shearing female sheep....

Ewes make me feel like a natural woolman....

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

The United Nations initiated a poll with the request, "Please tell us your honest opinion about the lack of food in the rest of the world."

The poll was a total failure. The Russians did not understand "Please". The Italians did not know the word "honest". The Chinese did not know what an "opinion" was. The Swiss did not know "lack", while the Africans did not know "food". Finally, the Americans didn't know anything about the "rest of t...

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The naked runner

A couple of lovers were in the midst of action in bed when suddenly they heard a noise at the door. The woman panicked and said to her lover, 'My husband, my husband is here! Jump out of the window!'

Without thinking twice, the lover jumped naked out of the window and landed in some bushes. H...

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

F...

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