Need Some Jokes

Does anyone know how to deactivate the "Sock hiding" program in the washing machine?

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."              

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husba... read more

So I have a friend that's colorblind and I like to joke around with and my idea is to send him this post after some time and we can both laugh, so please give me some of these juicy colorblind jokes!

So I'm a mailman and I deliver to a barber where we do a joke a day to eachother. I need some new jokes to tell, they can be clean or dirty as he has a sense of humor. If you have a good barber or mailmen joke would be a plus. Thank you in advance.

I would especially love to hear these from someone of a different race. It's my birthday and this would make it complete.

He said, 'Just a minute.'

And I said, 'Yep, that's my brand.'

Can anyone offer me some Sage advice?

So my friend and I have been trying to think of some vegetable jokes but are struggling.

If anyone has one please lettuce know

Is that two deer?

Anybody on this site have experience in reposting?

Apologies if this isn't a good sub to post a request like this. Happy to pull it down.

My coworker has been taking a lot of short online certification courses. Every day he finishes a new course, prints out the certificate of completion and proudly hangs the certificate up on his wall. He's ... read more

Hey r/jokes. I need some help making this cute saying work, since you have such a great way with words on this subreddit I figured I'd come here for some help.

So tomorrow a girl that I really like and I are going to the zoo. Her favorite animal is the sharks so naturally I want to take her ... read more

I have lots of back issues.

I need some advice guys. recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work..i called her boss and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. so yesterda... read more

The salesman motioned with his finger and said, "Come this way."

"If I could come that way," she snapped, "I wouldn't need the damn vibrator."

Canterbury tales, Shakespeare,Beowulf using these.

Preferably some he hasnt heard before.

Formerly, if you wanted iron or steel, you would need to go to an ironworks or even a blacksmith's and negotiate directly with the men who made it.

Whoever smelted, dealt it.

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my Mrs has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always ... read more

When I was 21 years old I used to wake up with an erection and I couldn't bend it. Now I am 85 years old and I still wake up with an erection but now I can bend it?

Am I getting stronger?

I am taking a stage lighting course and I need to provide my favorite light bulb joke on my first worksheet. Only problem is that I dont have one. So I figured I'd ask around for any good ones!

My darling, my lover, could have been wife,

Marrying you would have messed up my life.


I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.


Kind, intelligent, loving and very hot;

This describes everything you are not.


I lov... read more

I'm you're guy

...so she goes around town knocking on doors looking for work. She comes to a sizeable house in a wealthy neighborhood and knocks. An older gentleman answers.
"Sir, I'm on college break and desperately need some extra money, are there any jobs you might need done around the house?"
The man t... read more

You need a mint

Any Pointers?

Some bullet points about my Dad:

* Has a BMW trophy car
* Loves golf
* Loves Steak
* Is a Republican (I'm very progressive/liberal)
* Balding (but so am I...)
* His shoulder and knee have needed surgery
* Worked everyday of his life since he was 15
* Raised 3 kids
*... read more

I still don't get it why she wants to calculate the velocity

Got anything?

Last week, my dad unexpectedly passed away at the age of 56. One of the many things my family loved about him was his tendency to tell dirty jokes at the most inappropriate times. Does anybody have any good ones? Hearing some new dirty jokes would really help cheer me and my family up.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a... read more

Ethyl and Gladys walk the same route every day, and they stop at the same bench to smoke a cigarette before finishing their walk back to their apartments.


One day, just as they lit their cigarette, it starts to rain. Neither ladies brought umbrellas.


Gladys, the innovator s... read more

Im not looking for long winded jokes that have a punch line, more just quick witted (Some corny, some not) jokes to say. Somewhat along the lines of "can santa get some ho ho hos?" or stuff like that.