An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp

Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishm...

Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes

Genie: what will be your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich

Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?

Rich: I want a lot of money

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes....

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Genie: You have two wishes left

Genie: You have two wishes left

Me: I wish the letter G was the letter P instead

Penie: And your final wish?

Me: I wish that every E at the end of a word was an S instead

Penis:

Ms: Nics

A man meets a Genie and gets three wishes.

However any of his wishes that are granted will also come true for all the
politicians in the world times two.

Genie: What is your first wish?

Man: I want a million dollars.

Genie: You now have a million dollars and all the world's politicians now
receive two million. What...

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my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist.

He says to his friend, "That's amazing. How did you get that?"

The man pulls out a bottle and tells him to rub it and make a wish. He rubs the bottle, and a puff of smoke pops out and tells him that he can have one wish. So the man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks."

The g...

"I will give one million dollars to the person who will fulfill my wish."

"What is my wish?" you ask?

"That somebody would give me two million dollars."

Genie: What's your first wish? Steve: I wish I was rich

Genie: What's your second wish, Rich?

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

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The wife said: "Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that..."

And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow..."

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

I wish more people were into Solipsism.

Seems like it's only me.

A man with a giant pumpkin for a head walks up to his friend...

The friend says, “My God! What happened to your head!?”

“Well,” says the man, “I found a genie in lamp who granted me three wishes.”

“What did you wish for?” says the friend.

“For the first one I wished for a hundred million dollars, and I got it!”

“And the second?”
...

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My girlfriend says it's ok to have a small penis.

I still wish she didn't have one, though.

An American man was on business in Europe...

When he gets a call from his wifes lawyer saying she has found another man and wants a divorce. Upset, the man gets the earliest flight home which unfortunately crashes on a deserted island. While on the island the man sees a bottle sticking out of the sand. He picks it up, wipes it off and of co...

A man releases a genie

A man is walking along a beach in California when he finds a bottle. He opens it, and with a puff of smoke, a genie is released.

"As a reward for freeing me from the bottle," says the genie, "I'll grant you one wish."

The man thinks for a while and says "I've always wanted to visit Aus...

A dying man's final wish is to be cremated. His daughter already having dealt with the pain of burying her mother, asks "where would you like to be placed?" He responds, "my favorite place of all time...

between your mother's legs."

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

The bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is prof...

I got thrown out of DisneyWorld for spreading my dead mother’s remains around the park. It was her dying wish.

The security guards said I probably should have cremated her first.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[OC] I really wish my friend would quit his job.

Every time I ask him about work, he gets annoyed and tells me it’s boring. Literally every time. He’s been fine except when I ask him about work. I wish he’d just quit, because he used to be so much fun before he started his new job a few months ago. We haven’t spoken in a week because he flew off t...

In the shark infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns, one called Justin and the other called Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed-upon prawn. “I hate being a prawn,” says Justin. “I wish I were a shark.”

Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. “Your wish is granted,” he says. Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid that his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So...

A child is ill and the make a wish foundation asks what he would like more than anything. The child thinks about it and says, "I'd like to trade places with Donald Trump!"

They interpret as he wants to know what it's like to be president for a day.

So they ask Trump, he obliges.

Trump meets the child and asks, "So you want to know what it's like to be
president?"

The child, disappointed, retorts "No, I just wanted you to have cancer."

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never ev...

One Wish

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon an unusual old lamp. She picked it up and cleaned it off, and suddenly a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wag...

I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman...

...would hurry up and pick a suspect.

Two presidential aides are having coffee in a back room at the White House. “Sometimes I wish we worked for the pope and not the president,” one of them says.

“Why?” asks the second aide.

​

“Because then we’d only have to kiss his ring.”

A genie is granting my last wish

Me: I wish for more-
Genie: No wishing for more wishes.
Me: I wish for more genies

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wish for more..

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish for mor–

Genie: No wishing for more wishes.

Me:

Genie:

Me: I wish for more genies.

Genie: Holy shit.

All the new genies: Holy shit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a restaurant...

The man and his companions sit down at a table and a waitress walks over to them to take their order.

"I'll have a 16oz Steak with all the trimmings and a bottle of champagne." The man says.

The waitress nods and turns towards the ostrich, who seems confused.

"Oh! Uh, I'll, um.....

A divorced man

A divorce man was walking on the street suddenly he saw a lamp in the middle of the road.

He picked it up and suddenly a genie poped out and said to man " you have three wishes and be careful what you will wish you ex will get double of that."

Man scratched his head and said "okay give...

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A man finds a goldfish and it grants him one wish.

So he tells the goldfish: "I want to be able to urinate vodka". So the goldfish grants his wish, and he quickly goes back to him cabin to see if it's true. He opens his door and yells at his wife "HONEY! Get me a glass!", and so she does. He pisses in his glass and drinks it, and much to his surpris...

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I wish to go back to the time I had sex with a Rectangle...

...it was the best shape I'd ever been in.

My ex-wife just texted me, “I wish you were here”

She does this every time she’s in a cemetery.

The impossible wish

A guy saves a frog from a forest fire. The frog turns out to be a magical frog, and is very grateful to the man for having saved its life. So the frog offers to grant him three wishes. The man says, “Great. So I want:   1. Lifelong access to any cinema,   2. I want to be 10 years younger and   3. I ...

A blind guy, a deaf guy and a disable person cross a river that grants you one wish.

Blind guy: "My wish is to able to see again"

He crosses the river and he is able to see again.

Deaf guy: "I wish to get my hearing back"

His wish is granted as he crosses the river.

The disabled guy sees that the previous two wishes were granted and rushes in the river in...

My friend said, "I wish there was a way i could send something to your printer."

I said, "fax."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fisherman catches a shark...

as soon as he pulls him up the shark starts yelling "wait wait wait... I'm a magic shark, I can grant you wishes if you let me go.


"Alright" says the man, "i want my penis to reach the floor".


So the shark ate his legs.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wish my sex appeal was like a math book.

Because I've never met someone that didnt open it up, and say "fuck me."

This is the only time of year where me and the KKK wish for the same thing.

A white Christmas.

*rubs a lamp*

*rubs a lamp*

Genie appears and asks for a wish

"I don't wanna die virgin"

*Genie grants immortality

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My colleagues thought it would be good to each wear a shirt representing our star sign for our ‘make a wish foundation’ fundraiser

Now I’m here wearing the word CANCER across my chest and feel a right knob

A guy walks into a diner with an ostrich.

The waitress comes up to take their order. The guy says, "I'll have the fried mozarella sticks, triple bacon cheeseburger, and extra fries with chili and cheese on them."

The waitress looks at the guy, stunned- he's in great shape, and she's amazed that he could eat like that and maintain his...

A man is walking along the beach, when he trips over something, looks down and sees an old bottle. He picks it up and out pops a genie. "I will give you one wish and only one. What will it be?" The man thinks and thinks...

He lives in California and really loves to visit Hawaii, but he despises flying, so he asks the genie.

"I want a bridge from California to Hawaii, over the Pacific ocean."

The genie looks at him for a bit.

He says, "No, no, no. Sorry, but a bridge over the Pacific? That is too ...

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I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

“I wish to live forever,” I said.

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”

“Fine,” I said. “Then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interests!”

“You...

A bus of ugly people crashes ...

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one wha...

Baby you make me wish I was good at calculus.

Cauz they ain't no limit to how much I want to define the area under your curves.

3 men find a genie’s lamp in a huge desert. The genie tells them they each get one wish.

The first guy wishes to be with his family.

POOF

He’s gone.

The second guy wishes to be on an island.

POOF

He’s gone

Third guy wishes for his friends to be with him.

POOF

The first two guys are back.

I told a genie that for my third and final wish, I wanted my family to be happy.

And i started fading.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Walking down the road with my mate and we saw a dog licking his penis, my mate says, I wish I could do that, I said.

Give him a cookie he might let you..

Tell me why you wish to divorce your husband.

"He treats me like a dog!"

"You mean he abuses you physically? Verbally?"

"No, he wants me to be faithful!"

I wish Bill Cosby was president

It would really help me sleep at night

Hard of Hearing Genie

(Sorry its a long joke, but worth it I promise)


So a man walks into a bar with a burlap sack. He pulls out a small piano, bench, and a tiny piano player, who begins to play songs on the miniature piano.


The Bartender, intrigued, asks the man where he got it. The man proceeds to...

I wrote a few jokes for reddit and there is always one person who consistently likes my jokes - I just wish I could see who that one person is so I could look him in the eye and say:

Thanks for all your support!!!

but unfortunately when I write my terrible dad jokes I can never look myself in the eyes

A Man & an Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitre...

Dark Humour is like a cure....

Not everyone gets it.

Offended by that? Dark humour is like a Make-A-Wish Child.

It never gets old.

So, the make a wish foundation arrives at a hospital room

They talk to the child laying there,
“ are you ready for the surprise of a lifetime“
The kid in a raspy voice replies, “ So a short one?”

What do some men love to thrust themselves into, again and again, day after day til its floppy and stretched out. Then wish they had a new tight one?

Socks. Goddamn but I love a new pair of socks.

My wife walked in on an argument between our son and I. When he ran out of the room crying, I turned to the wife and said, "I wish I'd used a condom now."

Horrified, she said, "What? You wish our son had never been born!?"

"No." I replied. "I got his girlfriend pregnant."

I wish Jesus was born on another day than Christmas

Then we wouldn’t have this entire brouhaha every year.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wish I hadn't started browsing Reddit on the toilet

It makes it take so much longer to get shit done.

I wish my husband's 1 minute is the same as my washing machine's 1 minute.

Where you lost track of time waiting for it to be over.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wish I could be like Jesus Christ...

That son of a bitch retired in his early 30's!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A frustrated middle eastern man is walking along the beach... (NSFW)

When suddenly he stubs his toe on something in the sand. He reaches down under the sand and discovers a golden lamp. He picks it up and excitedly brushes it off when suddenly a enormous genie appears.

"I am the Genie of the Lamp and I shall grant you one wish, if it is within my power."
...

I wish Medusa would stop objectifying people...

It might offend them.

What did the shy pebble wish for?

To be a little bolder.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend and I were watching my dog lick his balls and he said "I sure wish I could do that"

I said you better pet him first he's kinda mean.

A kid from the Make A Wish Foundation told me he wanted to be Batman for Halloween...

So I murdered his parents

I wish my grass was depressed

So it would cut itself

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The genie said I will grant you just one wish

I said "I want my dick to touch the ground"
Then my legs fell off...

I Wish I Was a Computer

So I could Alt + F4 my life

A little girl was making a wish with Santa, she said I would like a unicorn for christmas, Santa replies but unicorns are just imaginary make another wish, she says ok I would like Manchester United to win a game.

Santa replied, what colour unicorn would you like?

I was at this bar once..

and the bartenders were identical twins. The only way to tell them apart was that one of the brothers had a freakishly small head. After talking for a while I finally asked him what was up with is appearance. He looks around, lowers his voice and says "once I was walking down a beach and found a lam...

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I wish my life could play out like it does in the movies...

Pornos count as movies right? Because if not, I'm taking back that wish.

A man is stranded in the desert when he comes across a genie's lamp. He rubs it and the genie grants him just one wish. The man said, "I could die happy here, if I could just get..."

... one more 's'.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two death row inmates are asked about their final wish before they're executed.

The first inmate says: "I want to hear the entire Journey to the Centre of the Earth album by Rick Wakeman one last time."

"Alright, we can do that", says the guard and he asks the second inmate what he wants.

"Well, in that case", the second inmate says, "can you execute me first?"

A plane crashes and everyone dies

And they all go to heaven. But almost everyone on this plane was either fat as can be or ugly as sin and they all had been bullied their entire lives due to this.
So god lines everyone up and says "You've all been good people but were treated terribly during life, so I will grant you one wish ...

What is something the make a wish foundation can't give the children?

A future

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus full of ugly people crashes and everyone inside now stands at the gates of heaven. St. Peter announces to them "Before you enter heaven, I will grant unto each of you one wish." He approaches the first ugly person and the man says "I wish I was beautiful." Right as he says this the last ugly p...

I wish I could say who the next president is going to be…

But I don’t have 2020 vision.

I wish Ford installed heated bumpers.

Would keep my hands warm while I’m pushing mine to the side of the freeway.

Tom and his hot wife were playing golf when the ball suddenly goes inside someone's house :

Tom and his hot wife were playing golf when the ball suddenly goes inside someone's house :

They enter the house and see a broken bottle and a man.

Man: I want to thank you. I am a genie who was trapped for 1000 years in the bottle. I will give you both 1 wish each, and I will keep 1 w...

I wish my college was run by EA

At least I’d get a sense of pride and accomplishment for my money

I rubbed a lamp and genie popped out, he said I could have ONE wish, so I wished for some of my words to be replaced with the names of cartoons

I am having a few Rugrats

Dying wish!

A billionaire was dying and wanted to take atleast some of his fortune with him! He asked his priest, doctor and lawyer to help.

Before his coffin is to be lowered into the ground they were each instructed to throw 3 million dollars into the coffin.

At his funeral the priest comes for...

My mother's dying wish was, "Never change who you are...

"...I've put up with you enough on earth; I don't want you bugging me in Heaven too"

I'm full of problems, I wish people understood me.

Said *the math book*

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure.

He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.

The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."

The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."

The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.

The man said "I would li...

A man wakes up with a lamp

A man wakes up with a lamp in a cave, he rubs the lamp and the genie says 'you have one wish left.' In his excitement he asked "I Wish I truly knew myself ".
The genie laughed, 'that was your first wish!'
'What was my second wish? '
'To forget. '

A man comes across a genie who grants him one wish.

The man says, “I would really like a bridge from San Francisco to Hawaii.”

The genie says, “That would be really difficult, with all the construction, engineering, not to mention the money such a bridge would require. I’m sorry, but is there anything simpler you would want?”

The man th...

If you wish to grow old with Joy, Grace and feeling Rosy all over...

You had better ask for their permission first!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wish people would be more appreciative of me making them breakfast in bed.

None of this “who the fuck are you” and “get out of my house” nonsense

Irishman granted three wishes

An Irishman, stranded on a desert island finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie comes out, and tells the Irishman he will grant three wishes.

Irishman: "My first wish is that all of my friends and family back home will live happy lives."

Genie: "Granted, what is your second wish?"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The man with the orange head

A Man walks into a bar, who has an orange for a head. He walks up the bar and asks for a drink. The man next to him, looking at him strangly asks "Why do you have an orange for a head?", the man with the orange head replies "It's a long story..." and continues to tell it.

"It was about three...

A man on death row is given a final wish...

...The man wishes to meet the president before he is executed. The president decides to visit the man before he is executed, and arrives the day before the execution.
The man is visibly distrust, and does not notice the president waiting. After a minute the president is getting annoyed after hav...

You Only Get One Wish

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three....

Why I got divorced..........

Last wéek was my birthday.... My wife didnt wish me.... My parents forgot and so did my kids.... I went to work.... Even my colleagues didnt wish me.... As i entered my cabin my secretary said,"Happy Birthday Boss".... i felt so special.... She asked me out to lunch.... After lunch,she invited me t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear and a rabbit are fighting in the woods.

Along comes the magical turtle of the forrest and says to them "if you two stop fighting I will grant you each 3 wishes." As to both bear and rabbit agree. First wish the bear says "I wish all the bears in this forrest except for me to be female" the rabbit without even hesitating says "I want a bik...

I wish I had Trump as a teacher.

Citations would be easy

"You know it, I know it, everyone knows it"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I really wish they'd taught sex in schools.

My chemistry teacher didn't have a fucking clue what he was doing.

My friend loves monorails. His greatest wish is to drive one.

I guess he’s got a one-track mind...

a kid laying in a hospital bed at the make a wish foundation finally meets his idol

he says: omg i’ve been dying to meet you

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rabbit and a bear are walking through the woods..

.. when they stumbled upon a genies lamp. A mystical genie appeared in front of them and promised to grant them both 3 wishes. The bear pushed the rabbit to the side and said "I saw the lamp so I'm going first! I wish I was the best looking bear there has ever been." the genie snapped his fingers an...

I wish the name of a business would describe what it sells...

Curry's doesn't sell curries, dominos doesn't sell dominoes, and the virgin megastore, what a disappointment.

I wish the furniture store would stop calling me.

I just wanted the one night stand :/