The 93+ Best Necessary Jokes

My wife is fed up with me constantly posting jokes here, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?!" She shot back, "Whatever means necessary!!" I chuckled...

"No it doesn't!"

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For my post-vasectomy follow-up my doctor required that I give one last semen sample. As a graduated Eagle Scout, I showed up to the appointment with all the necessary supplies: extra clothes, med-kit, secondary ID, Swiss Army knife, field guide, compass, and wet wipes.

When the nurse walked in to collect my sample she said, “I see you came prepared!”

A word to the wise isn't necessary

It's the stupid ones that need it

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You know, everyone says defund the police… but I don’t think that’s necessary…

They haven’t put an album out in years!

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At her annual checkup the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that it's necessary to take her temperature rectally.

She bends over the examining table but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's NOT my rectum!"

Said the doctor, "That's not my thermometer!"

Just then the woman's husband comes into the room. "What the hell is going on here?" he demands.

"I'm taking your wife's te...

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I am thinking of buying a Honda directly from Japan and pay all the necessary tariffs.

It’ll be my Civic duty.

One fisherman said to the other: "Using bait during fishing isn't necessary".

The other fisherman said: "that's debaitable".

Shortages of toilet paper are starting to occur, as panic buying sets in again, due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Please don't buy more than is absolutely necessary.

Fortunately, the 24,490 rolls we stocked up on should last us thru the rest of the pandemic.

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My buddy just said: "I really don't get this toilet paper thing. I mean, how could they even eat so much, that it'd be necessary to take that many dumps?"

I replied: "Yeah, I know, goddamned wankers"

Sometimes it's necessary to use the women's restroom at work.

If anyone knocks, I shout, "Hymen here!"

A train conductor kills 2 people and is sentenced to the electric chair...

A train conductor ends up killing two people while on the job. He is found guilty and sentenced to the electric chair. When the day comes, he is asked what he would want for his last meal, and he requests a banana. After finishing his meal, he is strapped to the chair and electrocuted. However, by s...

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A tattoo artist went to a coffee place and ordered coffee but forgot his wallet...

so he tells the woman at the counter that he can't pay for it. The woman gets angry at first and then asks "What can we do about this situation?" The tattoo artist says "Well I can give you a tattoo for free instead and we can call it even". The woman thinks for a while, reluctantly agrees to it and...

In Algreba, why is the vertical line test necessary?

You can't function without it

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

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To my girlfriend, I love you so much I'd die for you if necessary, I'd walk across a desert for you,

I'd stick my dick in a cactus for you, I'd have sex with a disease filled hooker for you and in fact I did so I hope you appreciate it.

A Sunday school teacher ask the children, "why is it necessary to be quite in church?"

The children replied, "because people are sleeping."

People may think if its necessary for ships to have sails...

I would say its a mast.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

Did you know that dough is necessary to have bread?

In other words: you knead dough to make bread

So Putin is woken up at 02:30 in the morning.

"Vladimir Vladimirovich, the Ukrainians want to discuss the terms of surrender." says Putin's secretary.

Putin sits up on his bed and says: "Great, give me my phone, I'll call Zelinsky."

The secretary answers: "That won't be necessary, they are standing behind the door. Also, they gave...

Joke Of The Month

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the email to
a widow who had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
h...

Moms are like coffee

Necessary every damn day.

How do you refer to a necessary bear?

Pandatory.

Stupid, I know.

not necessary to have a high IQ to be an attorney?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.

Q: How ca...

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

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A group of first year medical students are gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it…..

Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school.

“The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead” he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable.

He then holds up a finger and says, “you must als...

When do S and C sound the same?

When it's necessary.

I took my wife out to a nice restaurant the other night

She stopped me just as I was about to take the first bite and asked, "Don't we need to pray first?"

I said, "Nah, that's not necessary."

She replied, "But we always pray before we eat at home."

I said, "Yeah, but this chef probably knows what he's doing."

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A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes.

On the third tee, the husband cautioned, Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows, it'll cost us a fortune to repair.

Of course, she immediately shanked her drive right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, I warned you to watch ...

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Young Elizabeth is soon about to be crowned Queen of England. However, there is still one important thing missing: a husband. Her family and court advisors are getting increasingly worried.

Every single day court advisors approach Elizabeth and ask:

"Ma'am, have you already decided on a husband?"

To which the young future queen always answers:

"No. Why do I need a husband? I'm modern, I'm independent, and I'm about to be the Queen of England! A man would surely onl...

A farmer got an idea for how to make money off his farm in the off-season. He had a huge property all bounded by a big, white fence end to end. Along that fence was an old country road where few people drove. He decided he would set up a Christmas light display.

It took him some time to gather all the lights necessary, but eventually through the sweat of his farmhands and an absurd number of extension cords, he was finished. When sunset came, the first car to come down that road got an amazing sight.

The entire fence was covered in lights! Fenc...

Just wrote this one about my esteemed profession. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f...

Three friends die and go to heaven...

When they get to the gate saint peter says, "Hi, welcome to heaven. You're going to have a great time. We only have one rule in heaven, and that is to never, ever, no matter what, step on a duck."

"Ducks?"

"Yes, if you do, you will receive a terrible punishment. You may enter."
So...

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A woman who is pregnant with triplets (boys) is walking on the street when all of a sudden she gets shot 3 times in the stomach.

Upon arrival at the hospital the doctor tells her she will live and so will the 3 boys. He also tells her surgery isnt necessary to remove the bullets and the bullets will find its way out the natural way.

10 years have passed since the accident .when 1 of the boys runs up to his mom screamin...

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Of Harleys and Horses (a joke that reads like a fable)

One day, it rained mighty fierce down on the farm. And when the weather let up, all the barn animals decided to come out and play. As they did so, Mr. Horse decided he wanted to go take a romp out in Mr. Farmers field, and splash in all the muck puddles.

After a while, however, Mr. Horse foun...

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I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

Mr Singh walks into a bank London and asks for the loan officer.

He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so Mr Singh hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million pounds.

“The car is parked on the street in fro...

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A Hindu, a Jew and a lawyer are traveling, taking a scenic route through the country when their car breaks down...

It's too late in the day to call a tow truck, so they walk up the road to a small farmhouse to ask for help.

They knock on the door and the farmer warmly greets them. They explain the situation and he says that he doesn't have he necessary equipment to tow them, but if they would like to sta...

I wanted to visit Australia

So I went to the embassy to get a visa.

The woman behind the counter asked if I'd been convicted of a crime.

I told her I didn't know that was still necessary.

Dark humor xD

A husband got called into a hospital. His wife's just had a really bad car accident... He's pacing nervously in waiting hall expecting the doctor to come out of the OR. Finally the doctor comes out.

- 'How is she, doctor?'
- 'Well, she's alive... and that's good news. But there is some bad...

Man has plans to kill his wife

This guy is talking to a group of friends,

"I want my wife dead, but I don't want to do it myself, I'll pay anyone $1000 to kill her for me".

One of his friends Arty speaks up and says,

"I don't like your wife either, I'll do it for a dollar".

"Great"! He responds, "you c...

A rich old lady called the veterinarian to come to her apartment due to problems with her female cat.

Vet: Is your cat spayed?

ROL: No. I didn’t think that necessary. She never goes outside.

The vet inspected the cat carefully.

Vet: Well, she must have gotten out at some time. She’s pregnant.

ROL: She can’t be. Since I had her as a kitten she has never been outside thi...

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an elephant is walking through the jungle when he realizes he's stuck in quicksand and sinking

He reaches out with his trunk and grabs a branch. He attempts to haul himself in but the branch brakes and he begins sinking even quicker. The elephant begins yelling for help and a Mouse runs up
"What's wrong Mr elephant?" said the mouse
" I am stuck in quicksand and sinking to my Doom.pleas...

Paddy and Mick are heading down to the pub...

...when they see a sign in a shop window
> TREE FELLERS WANTED

> Great Pay
> Flexible Hours
> No Experience Necessary

Paddy turns to Mick and says "What do you reckon?"

Mick replies "It's a shame there's only two of us"

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[Long] Old medical joke

A very sexually active guy went to the doctor complaining of pain when urinating.

The doctor sent him off for a number of blood, stool and semen samples, and when the result came back phoned the guy urgently and said "oh my god, you have 'Hong Kong Dong', you need to have your penis amputat...

My friend offered to show me a magic trick.

"Sure," I said.

My friend pulled out a deck of cards, shuffled it thoroughly, then gave it to me.

"Pick a card, any card. Look at it, then put it back," he said.

I was suspicious, so I asked him if I could shuffle the deck, too. He agreed, so I shuffled it five times, cut the de...

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agre...

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Anal invitation

"Let's go to your place." Said a fat girl.

"I would love to, but i don't have any lubricant"

"I don't think it's necessary, i'm not that tight" says the girl while smiling.

"Maybe you're not, but my door is."

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Rich Twocock went to the court to change his name.

He filled up all necessary forms and gave a lengthy explanation about how everybody tell jokes about his name, including his family members and friends. The judge finally accepted his request and at the end of the interview session asked him: what other name do you want to have ?

He answered:...

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Black hand....

A stranger walks into a wild western town, he's a stranger passing through and needs to find a bed for the night.

He calls in at the local saloon and finds himself a place at the end of the bar while he tries to figure out his best options of a bed. The place is rammed, card games, piano play...

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

My doctor told me that only exercise will get rid of my big belly.

I asked him if I should join a gym. He said, "No, that's not necessary. Here's the exercise you need: Move your head back and forth from left to right anytime someone asks you if you'd like something to eat."

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My grandfather, an 83 year old doctor that still practices, sent me this jokes. Enjoy.

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a sign hanging over the bar : COLD BEER: $2.00 HAMBURGER: $2.25 CHEESEBURGER: $2.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50 HAND JOB: $50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure h...

A married man approaches a woman in the supermarket

A married man approaches a woman in the supermarket and says: "I've lost my wife in the aisles... Do you mind if we talk for a while?"

She asks him, "Wouldn't it be better to look for her than to talk to me?"

And the married man answers her: "But it won't be necessary... every time I t...

Highway to Hawaii

A man comes walking on the beach and finds a bottle. He picks it up and removes the stopper. Out of the bottle comes the Spirit of the Lamp. "Thank you for letting me out, I have been locked up for 140 years. I would like to give you the opportunity to have a wish fulfilled"

"Thank you, I've...

(True story) After reaching the height of his fame, Alec Guinness went into a restaurant and dropped his jacket off at the reception..

When it was time to give his name, the Receptionist told him it wasn’t necessary. Feeling flattered, Alec went to his table..

At the end of the night, he went to pick up his jacket. In the pocket of his jacket, there was the ticket stub. On the ticket stub, where his name was supposed to be, ...

A lot of women actually turn into good drivers.

So, watch out for turning women, good drivers. (Edited and improved with necessary comma added.)

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A young woman decided to get her eyes tested

A young woman decided to get her eyes tested as she'd recently been having trouble reading. So she books an appointment and goes in the following week. After waiting briefly she is ushered into one of the offices and is greeted by a middle aged man.

"How can I help you madame? " he asks her<...

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A priest, an engineer and a mathematician stand on the roof of a burning house.

The only way down seems to be a big leap down into a nearby pool. The house is high though and the pool small.

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "So god help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool....

Lamaze

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is ...

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A man visits an Ejaculation clinic [NSFW]

A man visits an ejaculation clinic depressed that when he cums, all he can manage is a poor dribble at the end of his cock.

‘When I watch porn’ he tells the receptionist ‘they shoot it all over the poor girls face... some from like a metre away.’

‘Don’t worry’ replies the receptionist...

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An elderly Lady goes to an undertaker

An elderly lady with no family wants to leave her affairs in order in her old age. That is why she goes to an undertaker. They discuss the funeral, the guest list, flowers and whatever else is necessary. The undertaker also asks her if she has any special wishes regarding the inscription on her grav...

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The son said to his father " I don't understand politics dad ''

The father said " I'll give you an example. I bring money to the family, so I represent the upper class. Your mom uses the money on whatever necessary, she is the goverment. The maid who's doing the chores represents the working class. Your grandpa watches what's going on and assures everything is a...

Andre 3000 went camping...

...as he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 90's musicians. Andre thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions...

Aussie customs

Going through the Australian border control, the customs officer interviewed me and all went well until he asked whether I had any criminal record. He was not impressed with my answer: “I didn’t know it was still necessary.”

Need help finding baby formula for the newborn

My wife came out of the hospital this morning but she is not able to lactate the newborn. I need to buy the baby formula. Is it absolutely necessary to know the baby weight to decide which type of milk to get?
We don't have a scale right here and can't ask my wife as she is being interrogated fo...

Can’t a girl just say Good Morning to a guy like a normal person?

Is it really necessary to ask “Who are you” “How did you get in my room” “Why are you naked”.

A plane crashes in the pacific ocean. The only survivors are five men and a gorgeous woman

After a few days they end up on a desert island. After several failed attempts to get in contact with the outside world, they give up and come to terms with the fact that they have to spend the rest of their lives on this island.

They quickly acquire the necessary skills to build houses and l...

An Englishman began procedures at the Immigration Department to move to Australia

Immigration: "Do you have a criminal record?"

British guy: "Is that still necessary?"

An American asked a Russian guy about their cars:

\- For what did you make the ZAZ, a copy of the Fiat 500?

\- For rural roads ...

\- What did you make the Moskvich for, a copy of Ford?

"For country roads!"

\- Then what is Lada for, a copy of another Fiat?

\- For city roads!

\- The for what did you invent t...

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An old Jew is walking home from work

An old Jew is walking home from work and passes a fancy restaurant. He looks in the window and sees rich people talking and laughing as they eat delicious cheese blintzes.

The old man is inspired: "blintzes for dinner!" and continues his long walk home. When he gets home, he announced to his ...

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You know you're ISIS if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You destroy world heritage but believe we should plant trees.

You have more wives than teeth.

You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.'

You think vests come in two sty...

A man walks into the Election Office.....

and says to the receptionist: "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate."

The receptionist replied: "Certainly, sir. Please fill in this form.''

He was filling the form until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?'' So...

I used to build vessels for the US Navy

I had just arrived at my a new assignment, a typical underwater craft that was partially constructed in a special facility underground.

My first job of the day was to install markers along the starboard side of the vessel at 5 meter intervals.

The markers were metal posts that must be...

A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a...

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A blind man once entered a fancy restaurant

A blind man once entered a restaurant known for its exquisite cuisines, with the help of some people he managed to sit at a table and called out for the waiter

The waiter being extremely courteous asked if he wanted the menu to be read out loud, the blind man said it wasn't necessary, all the...

A defense Lawyer was cross-examining a police officer

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who pr...

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One day 3 frogs were out on the piss

One drink turned into five which turned into too many, and the next thing you know the 3 frogs are messing about in a public fountain. The police are called and they’re arrested.

Down at the police station, the frogs are taken in one by one for questioning. The first frog is called into the r...

How to come up with a dad joke - Beginner's Advice

1. Read a dictionary.
2. Find Rhymes.
3. Think about the rhyme.
4. Find more Words.
5. Toss the dictionary out of the window.
6. Apologise to the neighbor for hitting him with the dictionary.
7. Catch the dictionary the neighbor threw back.
8. In case you didn't catch it, fix br...

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A priest is trying to understand why people do bad things.

The priest decides to call a meeting with his 3 nuns to discuss people's motivations. Ultimately they realize that they don't know very much about this topic and that it is necessary to go out into the world and do some "bad" things. The priest instructs each nun to go out and do "bad" things and co...

A koala is in a job interview

The interviewer asks the koala "what makes you think you are suitable for this job role?".

"I have all of the necessary koalifications".

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NSFW. Bob is complaining about his sex life..

.. to his friend Joe.

"It's so boring, just one position, in-out repeat as necessary while Jane just stares at the ceiling."

Joe strokes his chin thoughtfully and says "you need to start being dynamic, spontaneous, dominant and innovative! As soon as she comes to bed just surprise her ...

The Glass

Happy person: The glass is half full

Depressed person: The glass is half empty

The Engineer: The glass is twice as big as necessary.

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After enduring it for over a week, a man goes to the doctor with intense, agonizing, shooting pains from his balls to his kidneys.

"Doc," he says "you just gotta help, the pain literally takes me to the floor, and I can't breath because of it either"

The doctor checks him over, and orders a series of tests, finally prescribing strong painkillers until their next appointment the following week.

"Im sorry," says the...

A middle schooler was told he needed a jockstrap and cup...

...for flag football.

He had some allowance saved so decided to go to the sporting goods store to purchase the necessary items.

He really had no idea what he was supposed to buy so he asked the lady at the counter for assistance.

"She says, "So you need a jockstrap and a ...

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A blonde wants to go ice fishing....

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.

She’d seen many books on the subject and after gathering all of the necessary equipment decided to head for the ice.

Once on the ice, she pulls out her auger and starts to cut a hole in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,”THERE ...

Chicken Addiction

A guy really wanted to eat chicken. He was craving it for a while and he decided to go get some. But, he didn't want any of the fast food type chicken. So, he decided to cook it himself.

He goes to the butcher to buy it. The butcher gave him a live chicken. The man, surprised, asked the butch...

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Applying for a sales position

A man goes to apply for a job in a big Walmart. He's interviewed by the personnel manager and asked:

\- Do you have sales experience?

\- Yes sir, I worked selling clothes.

The manager decides to give him a test, so he says:

\- Come to work tomorrow at 9 AM. You'll work al...

Today, I learned that some people are disgusted that others pee in the shower

I don’t think it was necessary to cancel my gym membership over it though.

Poor Dave ...

Poor Dave had spent his life making wrong decisions. If he bet on a horse, it would lose. If he chose one elevator rather than another, it was the one he chose that stalled between floors. The line he picked before the bank teller's cage never moved. And so it went, day after day, year after year. T...

Beer contains female hormones

Last month, Montreal University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

(A) The theory is that Beer contains female hormones (hops contain Estrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

(B) To test...

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