Philosophy Exam

It’s nearing the end of the semester at a prestigious university of philosophy. The 100+ students wait eagerly for the professor to enter the auditorium & begin their final exam. They all have their notebooks out, as the final is open book. The professor enters and, without saying a word, puts h...

How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

My Eastern philosophy guru told me ...

"To grow in enlightenment, you must live in harmony with the mystical Source of everything."

"Wait," I said. "I thought you told me last week that enlightenment came from sudden bursts of insight when meditating on a koan."

"Well," he replied, "that was Zen. This is Tao."

What's the most important question for a philosophy graduate?

Whether Pepsi is ok.

No one will talk about philosophy with me

I guess it's a pretty nietzsche subject

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A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final.

Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn'...

What do you call a monk with a philosophy degree?

A deep friar.

After watching me sign up for a Greek philosophy course, my dad said, “Did you know Aristotle said that we are what we repeatedly do?”

“Therefore, I’m your mother.”

My sister started sobbing because she’s nervous about entering the job market with a philosophy degree.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

Hear about the girl who banged her philosophy professor for a better grade?

He was deep in thot.

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

What’s the difference between philosophy and eyeballing a picture of a rock?

One’s ideology, the other’s eyed-geology

Descartes asks a horse if he is well versed in philosophy.

The horse says "I don't think I am" and disappears.

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I wedged a philosophy book between my butt cheeks

Now I have a wisecrack in any situation

What did the philosophy student say when he saw the Mariana Trench?

"That's deep."

I have a german philosophy joke, but I don't think you'll get it

It's pretty Nietzsche

What does a philosophy student feel when they fail a module on empiricism?

Hume-iliation

A tradie driving along when he sees a sign outside a house saying: “Talking dog for sale – $20.”

He can’t believe his eyes. He pulls up, gets out and knocks on the door.

“Yeah, he’s just round the back,” the owner says, and sure enough there’s the dog with his elbow on the fence chatting away to the next-door neighbour.
“I can’t believe it!” says the tradie. “You can really talk?”
...

I wanted to make a joke about Philosophy

But I just Kant.

What's the difference between a philosophy degree and a large pizza?

The pizza can feed a family.

You know why you can't teach a stallion philosophy?

Because you can't put Descartes before the horse.

Philosophy of a skunk

I stink, therefore I am

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?

"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the ...

My next job, I want to be the security guard at the philosophy building of a university...

I will spend my days asking philosophy students “Who are you, and why are you here?”

While visiting England, Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Teresa May and says, "Madam, Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

...

What's the difference from when you've just started school, to when you've completed a philosophy degree?

When you just start school you know nothing about anything. But when you complete a philosophy degree you know everything about nothing.

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A philosophy professor is examining a student.

However, the student does not know too much and is in danger of failing, so he says to the professor:

"If I ask you a philosophical question and you don't know the answer, will you let me pass?"

The professor agrees, so the student says:

"Describe a situation from your life when...

What do you do with a philosophy major?

Think deep thoughts about being unemployed.

What's the difference between an art major and a philosophy major?

The philosophy major will ask *why* you want fries with your Big Mac.

Why major in philosophy?

Why major in philosophy?
- can be smug after only 2-3 classes
- only major where you finish knowing less than when you started
- generally better beards than psychology
- can't find a job, but then again what even is a job?

This one is for you philosophy nerds. What do you call it when a middle aged woman takes a break from reading Plato dialogues?

Meno pause

Did you hear about the Pikachu who got in a debate over Chinese philosophy.

It hurt itself in its Confucian.

A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says "You know you're in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies: "I don't think I am" and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy 'I think, therefore I am.' But if I had exp...

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.

Laughed more than I thought.

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TWO GLASSES OF WINE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in
a day are not enough, reme mber the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front
of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a...

There is at least one great philosophy in each of Brad Bird's films

The Incredibles: "When everyone's special, nobody is."

Ratatouille: "Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere."

The Iron Giant: "Screw our country, I want to live."

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The Two Cow Philosophy

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neigh...

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion...

To all the philosophy majors out there...

Can I get a Grande Mocha with whip please?

One of the big themes in Sartre's philosophy is the idea of genuine choice versus just the appearance of having a choice.

So he can't meaningfully choose to have his coffee with no cream, because he could never have had it with cream to begin with, but he can meaningfully choose to have it with no milk.

I told my job interview that I studied philosophy at school.

He said, "Was that useful?"

I said, "I don't know. Was it?"

One morning, a man and his wife were walking in the park.

Suddenly, the man collapsed.

The woman yelled for help.

Woman: Is anyone here a doctor?

A stranger approached the couple.

Stranger: I am a doctor.

Woman: Help us, please!

Stranger: But I'm only a doctor in philosophy.

Woman: My husband is about to die...

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Did you hear about the prostitute who's a philosophy major?

She could really blow your mind.

So, I was in philosophy class

We were talking about AI in relation to the mind-body problem, and the professor said to flip to page 404. I couldn’t find it.

A dolphin graduated from college with a philosophy major.

He thought, "what's my porpoise now?"

Philosophy Convention

All the world's greatest philosophers are gathering in France for the largest philosophy convention ever. Socrates, Descartes, Kant, etc have all made their way to Paris and checked into their rooms. Aristotle's invitation was lost in the time-travel post office and he didn't get the invitation unti...

An optimist and pessimist are arguing about philosophy.

The optimist declares, “This is the best of all possible worlds.” The pessimist sighs and says, “You’re right.”

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What did the Philosophy Ph.D say to the fat black woman?

Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order?

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What is the design philosophy of the iPhone 7?

Jack off

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So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

Irish Philosophy

There are only two things you need to worry about in life;

Either you are well, or you are sick.

If you are well, then there's nothing to worry about. But if you are sick, then there's two things to worry about;

Either you will get better, or you will get worse.

If you wi...

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A professor of philosophy went to a doctor and asked for advice on how to improve his sex life.

"You seem to be in good physical condition," said the doctor, after an examination. "You run ten miles a day, every day for seven days, then phone me."

A week later, the professor telephoned. "Well," said the physician, "has the running improved your sex life?"

"I don't know," said the...

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a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train...

a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into switzerland.

looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology happens to see a black sheep.

"how interesting". he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in s...

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Philosophy final

in a class for philosophy, the teacher looks at his class, grabs his chair, places it on his desk and tells the entire classroom about his final.

"You have only one question: use your knowledge that I have taught you in this class and prove to me that this chair doesn't exist. You have until ...

A man is mortally wounded on a plane

The flight attendant asks "Is there a doctor on this plane?"

A woman nods and follows the flight attendant. She quickly announces the man is dead.

My dad whispers to me "That should have been you"

I tell my dad that I am a doctor of philosophy, not medicine

My dad respon...

What kind of car do most philosophy majors drive?

An uber.

What is Harry Potter's philosophy on relationships...

Hit it and quidditch.

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A joke my philosophy professor told me

So philosophers are known to have horrible jokes, and this one is no exception. I'm just posting this for any philosophers who may or may not appreciate it.

John has a date tomorrow with a pretty girl from his philosophy class. He's a nervous fellow and is worried about how to break the ice ...

One More For All The Philosophy Majors Out There

The Physics major asks: How does it work?

The Engineering major asks: How do you build it?

The Accounting major asks: How much will it cost?

The Philosophy major asks: Do you want fries with that?

Difference between Physics, Philosophy and Theology

Physics is like going after a black cat in a dark room.

Philosophy is like going after a black cat in a dark room, while blindfolded.

Theology is like going after a black cat in a dark room, while blindfolded, shouting "Heureka, I found her!"

Philosophy joke

An instructor was introducing a class of freshmen philosophy majors to academic life. Before the end of the presentation, the instructor thought she would be nice and let the students avoid falling into conflict early on and so she said: "You have to be careful when meeting the professors to not mix...

Telling your parents your a philosophy major is like reading them poetry

They snap

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In a philosophy class...

Professor: Sometimes an idiot's question is too hard for even 10 geniuses to answer.

One student pipes up: No wonder I fail my tests.

Why should you never trust a one armed philosophy professor?

He never mentions "on the other hand"

Sweet Potato Philosophy

"I think therefore I yam."

Two recent philosophy graduates..

2 recent philosophy graduates, John and Andy, embarked on a cross-country journey to better understand the meaning of life.

They took with them their best friend, Bill, who was a college drop-out and a former drug addict who's now sober and helping his dad's business.

John and Andy tho...

My philosophy

I plan to live forever or die trying.

So I was at a conference for experimental philosophy...

and it was getting a bit dull so I turned to the guy next to me and asked

"So, what do you do?"

He lit up, eager to tell all.
"Well, I'm studying the effects of introducing rodents to Nihilistic thinking through an intricate series of signals and experiments. Nice to meet cha!"
<...

I'd really love to study Philosophy...

But I Kant.

Philosophy Major: True story

With five minutes left in his class, a philosophy professor decides to talk about his own college experience.

“Philosophy is basically a dead-end major. You know where your career is going when you sign up for it.” He looks at one student and asks, “What would your parents say if you told the...

Philosophy is a game with objectives but no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules but no objectives.

My philosophy to everything I do are governed by the three E's

Excellence, Efficiency, and Intelligence

For all of those Philosophy Majors out there

Philosophy Joke:

If an argument concludes a tree fall without human interaction in a forest for a stump to be made, and there are no lumberjack's in the forest to hear it, does it make it sound?

Coffee Philosophy

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him:

"Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"
Sartre replied,

"Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".

Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fi...

A short philosophy joke...

René Descartes is walking around a party when somebody asks him if he’d like something to drink. Descartes answers, “I think not” and promptly vanishes.

What did Hannibal Lecter say to the philosophy professor after the lecture?

I can smell your Kant.

What does the Philosophy major say a year after he graduates?

"Would you like fries with that?"

Before time, God is sitting around with all of the great philosophers, trying to decide who will handle which categories of philosophy.

When he gets to epistemology, nobody is willing to take it.

The philosophers begin arguing over who will handle the subject until finally, irritated by the bickering, God interrupts and says,

"You, Kant! Handle the truth!"

What do you call the corner of the market that specializes in philosophy?

A Nietzsche market!

Never date a philosophy major

My last girlfriend was one and she spent most of her time trying to prove that I didn't exist

A joke from my Philosophy textbook

The employer introduced himself to his new gardener.

"I am a professor of logic," the employer said.
"Oh. What's that?" the gardener asked.
"I shall give you a demonstration," announced the professor. "Do you own a wheelbarrow?"
"Yes," replied the gardener.
"Then I infer you are ...

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