What's the difference between an art student and a philosophy student?

A philosophy student asks you *why* you want fries with that.

After watching me sign up for a Greek philosophy course, my dad said, “Did you know Aristotle said that we are what we repeatedly do?”

“Therefore, I’m your mother.”

Philosophy Exam

It’s nearing the end of the semester at a prestigious university of philosophy. The 100+ students wait eagerly for the professor to enter the auditorium & begin their final exam. They all have their notebooks out, as the final is open book. The professor enters and, without saying a word, puts h...

Descartes asks a horse if he is well versed in philosophy.

The horse says "I don't think I am" and disappears.

German philosophy professor arrive to Australia

Professor: Today we'll study Kant

Student: Ok, mate, so what we will study?

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What does Philosophy, Anal and getting in trouble with the Mafia have in common?

Deep Shit

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When I’m having sex I like to talk about philosophy

So she’d go like “OMG, that’s so deep.”

My Eastern philosophy guru told me ...

"To grow in enlightenment, you must live in harmony with the mystical Source of everything."

"Wait," I said. "I thought you told me last week that enlightenment came from sudden bursts of insight when meditating on a koan."

"Well," he replied, "that was Zen. This is Tao."

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A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final.

Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn'...

Was it hard to adopt nihilism as your personal philosophy?

Nah, there was nothing to it.

What do you call a monk with a philosophy degree?

A deep friar.

You know why you can't teach a stallion philosophy?

Because you can't put Descartes before the horse.

Life's Philosophy

The great man told his followers, 'There are 2 things in life that matters above all else - Integrity, if you'd made a promise, you carry it out, even if it bankrupts you, cripples you or kills you. The other thing is common sense, like not making that promise'.

How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

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Dog's philosophy

If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it

What does a philosophy student feel when they fail a module on empiricism?

Hume-iliation

I had a combined class of philosophy and maths today......

The topic's name was " √ 2 Success"

What do you call a wolf that studies philosophy?

A self-aware wolf.

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."

"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but si...

Professor of Philosophy

At the school-wide faculty meeting, an angel appeared suddenly.

The angel said to the head of the philosophy department:

"I can give you wisdom, beauty, or 10 million dollars, choose one of the three."

The professor chose wisdom without thinking

After a flash of lig...

My sister suddenly started sobbing talking about her job prospects with a philosophy degree.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

Physics vs Philosophy

The physics department of a college seeks funds to buy a cyclotron.
"This is millions and millions of dollars!" says the Dean.
"That's our microscope," says the physicist. "We can't do our research without it."
"Why can't the physics department be more like the mathematics department?...

What's the difference between maths and philosophy?

Maths needs pencil, paper and eraser.
Philosophy needs just pencil and paper.

I learned German sausage-making from a guy who was really into Eastern philosophy.

He was always going on and on about how in order to make great sausage, you had to understand the sausage. You had to BE the sausage.

That guy was the *wurst*.

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A philosophy professor is examining a student.

However, the student does not know too much and is in danger of failing, so he says to the professor:

"If I ask you a philosophical question and you don't know the answer, will you let me pass?"

The professor agrees, so the student says:

"Describe a situation from your life when...

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A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a coffee shop one afternoon discussing who had the superior culture.

The Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to philosophy.

The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."

And so on and so on until the G...

Hear about the girl who banged her philosophy professor for a better grade?

He was deep in thot.

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and a blonde all go to Hell and receive a challenge from the Devil -- if they can stump him, they're free to go to heaven instead.

The philosopher goes first and asks the Devil a very hard philosophy question -- to which the Devil snaps his fingers, gets a book, and gives the answer. The mathematician tries as well -- but the Devil instantly gets the answer. When it comes to the blonde, she pulls up a chair and drills three hol...

What did the philosophy student say when he saw the Mariana Trench?

"That's deep."

What's the difference between a philosophy degree and a large pizza?

The pizza can feed a family.

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I wedged a philosophy book between my butt cheeks

Now I have a wisecrack in any situation

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Talmud logic exposed

A young man in his mid-twenties knocks on the door of the noted scholar Rabbi Shwartz. “My name is Sean Goldstein,” he says. “I’ve come to you because I wish to study Talmud.”

“Do you know Aramaic?” the rabbi asks.

“No,” replies the young man.

“Hebrew?” asks the Rabbi.

“N...

Why major in philosophy?

Why major in philosophy?
- can be smug after only 2-3 classes
- only major where you finish knowing less than when you started
- generally better beards than psychology
- can't find a job, but then again what even is a job?

A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her...

When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks.

She then asked the students if the jar was full?

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.

She ...

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

What's the most important question for a philosophy graduate?

Whether Pepsi is ok.

What’s the difference between philosophy and eyeballing a picture of a rock?

One’s ideology, the other’s eyed-geology

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen are debating philosophy.

The question arises over the course of their debates: What separates man from the animals?

"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."

"I disagree,...

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a bar

The three sit down, order, and start chatting while enjoying their drinks, discuss why they believe what they do.

The Priest says "I try to live by the Word of God and love my neighbor as I love myself, showing my flock the same philosophy. By accepting this into my heart, I hope to earn my ...

I have a german philosophy joke, but I don't think you'll get it

It's pretty Nietzsche

No one will talk about philosophy with me

I guess it's a pretty nietzsche subject

While visiting England, Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Teresa May and says, "Madam, Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

...

I wanted to make a joke about Philosophy

But I just Kant.

What's the difference from when you've just started school, to when you've completed a philosophy degree?

When you just start school you know nothing about anything. But when you complete a philosophy degree you know everything about nothing.

What do you do with a philosophy major?

Think deep thoughts about being unemployed.

Philosophy of a skunk

I stink, therefore I am

What did the philosophy major say when asked “can you recommend a philosopher who wrote on how to treat his fellow man?”

“I. Kant”

A dolphin graduated from college with a philosophy major.

He thought, "what's my porpoise now?"

I told my job interview that I studied philosophy at school.

He said, "Was that useful?"

I said, "I don't know. Was it?"

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint

The bartender says “You know, you’re in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?”
The horse says “I don’t think I am..” and promptly disappears from existence.

See this was a joke about Descarte’s famous philosophy line “I think therefore I am” but if I had explained that...

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion...

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.

Laughed more than I thought.

This one is for you philosophy nerds. What do you call it when a middle aged woman takes a break from reading Plato dialogues?

Meno pause

To all the philosophy majors out there...

Can I get a Grande Mocha with whip please?

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The Two Cow Philosophy

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neigh...

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Hitler hires a new cook

Before taking up the job he is told there are 2 main requirements - Making good healthy food for the dictator and never interfering in his policies.

On his first day he finds out about all of Hitler's preferences, likes and dislikes. With all of that in mind he makes everything as expected e...

A man has a heart attack. His wife cries out, ‘is anyone a doctor?’

A woman rushes over, ‘I’m a Doctor of Philosophy’.

The wife says, ‘Ma’am, this is serious, my husband is dying’.

The philosopher replies, ‘we are all dying’.

your faith was strong but you needed proof

you saw Nietzsche bathing on the roof

his philosophy and logic overthrew ya

So, I was in philosophy class

We were talking about AI in relation to the mind-body problem, and the professor said to flip to page 404. I couldn’t find it.

Philosophy Convention

All the world's greatest philosophers are gathering in France for the largest philosophy convention ever. Socrates, Descartes, Kant, etc have all made their way to Paris and checked into their rooms. Aristotle's invitation was lost in the time-travel post office and he didn't get the invitation unti...

There is at least one great philosophy in each of Brad Bird's films

The Incredibles: "When everyone's special, nobody is."

Ratatouille: "Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere."

The Iron Giant: "Screw our country, I want to live."

One of the big themes in Sartre's philosophy is the idea of genuine choice versus just the appearance of having a choice.

So he can't meaningfully choose to have his coffee with no cream, because he could never have had it with cream to begin with, but he can meaningfully choose to have it with no milk.

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Did you hear about the prostitute who's a philosophy major?

She could really blow your mind.

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Philosophy final

in a class for philosophy, the teacher looks at his class, grabs his chair, places it on his desk and tells the entire classroom about his final.

"You have only one question: use your knowledge that I have taught you in this class and prove to me that this chair doesn't exist. You have until ...

An optimist and pessimist are arguing about philosophy.

The optimist declares, “This is the best of all possible worlds.” The pessimist sighs and says, “You’re right.”

An original light bulb story

A student, let's call him Kevin, was having an oral exam in philosophy with his professor. Naturally, Kevin didn't study and couldn't answer any of the questions, even the easiest ones. The professor felt pity for him and gave him one last chance:

"Ok Kevin, if you can answer this question y...

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What is the design philosophy of the iPhone 7?

Jack off

Irish Philosophy

There are only two things you need to worry about in life;

Either you are well, or you are sick.

If you are well, then there's nothing to worry about. But if you are sick, then there's two things to worry about;

Either you will get better, or you will get worse.

If you wi...

One More For All The Philosophy Majors Out There

The Physics major asks: How does it work?

The Engineering major asks: How do you build it?

The Accounting major asks: How much will it cost?

The Philosophy major asks: Do you want fries with that?

Philosophy joke

An instructor was introducing a class of freshmen philosophy majors to academic life. Before the end of the presentation, the instructor thought she would be nice and let the students avoid falling into conflict early on and so she said: "You have to be careful when meeting the professors to not mix...

What kind of car do most philosophy majors drive?

An uber.

So I was at a conference for experimental philosophy...

and it was getting a bit dull so I turned to the guy next to me and asked

"So, what do you do?"

He lit up, eager to tell all.
"Well, I'm studying the effects of introducing rodents to Nihilistic thinking through an intricate series of signals and experiments. Nice to meet cha!"
<...

Difference between Physics, Philosophy and Theology

Physics is like going after a black cat in a dark room.

Philosophy is like going after a black cat in a dark room, while blindfolded.

Theology is like going after a black cat in a dark room, while blindfolded, shouting "Heureka, I found her!"

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A joke my philosophy professor told me

So philosophers are known to have horrible jokes, and this one is no exception. I'm just posting this for any philosophers who may or may not appreciate it.

John has a date tomorrow with a pretty girl from his philosophy class. He's a nervous fellow and is worried about how to break the ice ...

Two recent philosophy graduates..

2 recent philosophy graduates, John and Andy, embarked on a cross-country journey to better understand the meaning of life.

They took with them their best friend, Bill, who was a college drop-out and a former drug addict who's now sober and helping his dad's business.

John and Andy tho...

What is Harry Potter's philosophy on relationships...

Hit it and quidditch.

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In a philosophy class...

Professor: Sometimes an idiot's question is too hard for even 10 geniuses to answer.

One student pipes up: No wonder I fail my tests.

Telling your parents your a philosophy major is like reading them poetry

They snap

I don't understand chinese philosophy.

It Confucius me.

My philosophy

I plan to live forever or die trying.

Philosophy is a game with objectives but no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules but no objectives.

My philosophy to everything I do are governed by the three E's

Excellence, Efficiency, and Intelligence

Coffee Philosophy

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him:

"Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"
Sartre replied,

"Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".

Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fi...

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a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train...

a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into switzerland.

looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology happens to see a black sheep.

"how interesting". he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in s...

Sweet Potato Philosophy

"I think therefore I yam."

What did Hannibal Lecter say to the philosophy professor after the lecture?

I can smell your Kant.

For all of those Philosophy Majors out there

Philosophy Joke:

If an argument concludes a tree fall without human interaction in a forest for a stump to be made, and there are no lumberjack's in the forest to hear it, does it make it sound?

A short philosophy joke...

René Descartes is walking around a party when somebody asks him if he’d like something to drink. Descartes answers, “I think not” and promptly vanishes.

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

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So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

A philosophy of bar etiquette.

A utilitarian, a deontologist and a solipsist walk in to a bar.
The utilitarian goes up to the bartender and orders a round of drinks for the bar. Raising his glass, he says "To happiness and the good life!"
After they finish the first round, the deontologist also orders a round for the bar...

Philosophy Major: True story

With five minutes left in his class, a philosophy professor decides to talk about his own college experience.

“Philosophy is basically a dead-end major. You know where your career is going when you sign up for it.” He looks at one student and asks, “What would your parents say if you told the...

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