UPJOKE
metaphysicsethicsepistemologytheologylogicphilosopherplatoaristotleaestheticsimmanuel kantpsychologycreedeconomicstheorymarxism

How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

After watching me sign up for a Greek philosophy course, my dad said, “Did you know Aristotle said that we are what we repeatedly do?”

“Therefore, I’m your mother.”

What's the difference between an art student and a philosophy student?

A philosophy student asks you *why* you want fries with that.

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When I’m having sex I like to talk about philosophy

So she’d go like “OMG, that’s so deep.”

Philosophy Exam

It’s nearing the end of the semester at a prestigious university of philosophy. The 100+ students wait eagerly for the professor to enter the auditorium & begin their final exam. They all have their notebooks out, as the final is open book. The professor enters and, without saying a word, puts h...

You know why you can't teach a stallion philosophy?

Because you can't put Descartes before the horse.

I’m in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn’t even know I exist

and worse… she can prove it.

I just aced my philosophy test

The question was, "What is the central question of epistemology?" I answered, "How should I know?"

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A philosophy professor is examining a student.

However, the student does not know too much and is in danger of failing, so he says to the professor:

"If I ask you a philosophical question and you don't know the answer, will you let me pass?"

The professor agrees, so the student says:

"Describe a situation from your life when...

As I stared into the refrigerator I realized I was finally using my philosophy degree.

"Why am I here?"

What's the difference between a social media influencer and a philosophy major?

The philosophy major needed a degree to be useless.

Why shouldn't you study French philosophy before Roman poetry?

Because that would be putting Descarte before the Horace.

When Karl Marx was a young philosophy student, he took it upon himself to travel across the country to see the wide world and learn all that he could to develop his theories.

Hither and thither he would ride across the German countryside, in his little pony-cart pulled by a pair of strong, hardy donkeys, meeting people, studying their lives and professions, and seeking to understand the world.

A time came when he was high in the German mountains. Snow was thick ...

What is Putin's philosophy?

Vlad Earth Theory.

What

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this ...

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I wedged a philosophy book between my butt cheeks

Now I have a wisecrack in any situation

I made a mistake at a philosophy conference. They asked me for a lecture on Daoism, but I misunderstood. I talked about filial piety and deference to superiors instead.

I apologized for the Confucian.

The last patient and philosophy of marriage

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive.

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It...

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A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final.

Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn'...

A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her...

When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks.

She then asked the students if the jar was full?

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.

She ...

What do you call a monk with a philosophy degree?

A deep friar.

What is the thing that a person with a PhD in philosophy would most likely ask you?

"Do you want fries with that?"

An Engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician enter a bar

Engineer: My good sirs, without engineers people would still be living in huts

Physicist: But alas my good sir, engineering is simply applied physics

Mathematician: But alas my good sir, physics is simply applied mathematics

"hearty laughter"

Philosopher: But alas my goo...

A philosophy joke

If Schopenhauer went to heaven, what would he do?

Be disappointed.

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A first-year college student found himself repeatedly impressed by the wit and wisdom of the philosophy majors he'd met...

A first-year college student found himself repeatedly impressed by the wit and wisdom of the philosophy majors he'd met. One day he plucked up the nerve to ask one of them, "So how come all you philosophy majors are so smart?" 

"Oh, that's no mystery," the philosophy major answered. "We've al...

Why did the teenager fail their philosophy class?

Because they just, like, Kant understand.

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen are debating philosophy.

The question arises over the course of their debates: What separates man from the animals?

"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."

"I disagree,...

Life's Philosophy

The great man told his followers, 'There are 2 things in life that matters above all else - Integrity, if you'd made a promise, you carry it out, even if it bankrupts you, cripples you or kills you. The other thing is common sense, like not making that promise'.

What is the difference between science, philosophy and religion?

Science is when you search for a black cat in a dark room.



Philosophy is when you search for a black cat in a dark room even though the room contains no cat.



Religion is when you search for a black cat in a dark room even though the room contains no cat – and then you ...

I just finished a college degree in Philosophy.

Now I'm qualified to ask WHY you want fries with that.

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So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

So a philosopher, a mathematician, and a physicist were at starbucks.

The mathematician turns to the physicist sitting next to him and says "You know, physics is just applied mathematics!"

They all have a good laugh, at which point the philosopher interjects from across the table. "And...

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Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Sheesh. I wonder what happened to this poor Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy smokes!" the guy replies. "You ...

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An angel appeared before a conference of philosophers.

Everyone was shocked, especially considering many of them were atheists. At once, a debate raged about what to ask this supernatural entity.

Seeing the commotion, in a booming voice, the angel said, "I will return in one hour, at which time I will answer any one question with 100% certainty....

I'm starting a group to play basketball and then discuss philosophy

It's called "shoot first, ask questions later"

What's the difference between a street cat and a philosophy graduate?

One is sad to look at because it's depressing. The other is a cat.

They say reading is hot. So I started studying philosophy.

Now all of my relationships are platonic.

What do you call philosophy majors making fun if each other?

Socrateasin

My sister suddenly started sobbing talking about her job prospects with a philosophy degree.

I said, “Are you having an existential cry, sis?”

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.

Laughed more than I thought.

Descartes asks a horse if he is well versed in philosophy.

The horse says "I don't think I am" and disappears.

Was it hard to adopt nihilism as your personal philosophy?

Nah, there was nothing to it.

Have you ever heard of Roko's Basilisk? (contains a small amount of existential dread)

It's a thought experiment provided by a user named "Roko" on a philosophy forum-based website.

Suppose a machine is invented that can simulate the whole world from the past to the future, becoming practically omniscient. The scientists who made this obviously want this to help the world, so ...

German philosophy professor arrive to Australia

Professor: Today we'll study Kant

Student: Ok, mate, so what we will study?

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What does Philosophy, Anal and getting in trouble with the mafia have in common?

Deep Shit

How do you measure the value of Chinese philosophy on the stock market?

The Tao-Jones Industrial Average.

Hear about the girl who banged her philosophy professor for a better grade?

He was deep in thot.

My Eastern philosophy guru told me ...

"To grow in enlightenment, you must live in harmony with the mystical Source of everything."

"Wait," I said. "I thought you told me last week that enlightenment came from sudden bursts of insight when meditating on a koan."

"Well," he replied, "that was Zen. This is Tao."

I wanted to make a joke about Philosophy

But I just Kant.

Why major in philosophy?

Why major in philosophy?
- can be smug after only 2-3 classes
- only major where you finish knowing less than when you started
- generally better beards than psychology
- can't find a job, but then again what even is a job?

I told my job interview that I studied philosophy at school.

He said, "Was that useful?"

I said, "I don't know. Was it?"

What’s the best part about majoring in philosophy?

You get to ask people why they want fries with that

I had a combined class of philosophy and maths today......

The topic's name was " √ 2 Success"

What's the difference between maths and philosophy?

Maths needs pencil, paper and eraser.
Philosophy needs just pencil and paper.

Advice

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. I...

I have a german philosophy joke, but I don't think you'll get it

It's pretty Nietzsche

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Dog's philosophy

If you can't eat it or hump it, piss on it

What did the philosophy student say when he saw the Mariana Trench?

"That's deep."

I learned German sausage-making from a guy who was really into Eastern philosophy.

He was always going on and on about how in order to make great sausage, you had to understand the sausage. You had to BE the sausage.

That guy was the *wurst*.

No one will talk about philosophy with me

I guess it's a pretty nietzsche subject

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The Two Cow Philosophy

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neigh...

Philosophy of a skunk

I stink, therefore I am

What did the philosophy major say when asked “can you recommend a philosopher who wrote on how to treat his fellow man?”

“I. Kant”

A dolphin graduated from college with a philosophy major.

He thought, "what's my porpoise now?"

Physics vs Philosophy

The physics department of a college seeks funds to buy a cyclotron.
"This is millions and millions of dollars!" says the Dean.
"That's our microscope," says the physicist. "We can't do our research without it."
"Why can't the physics department be more like the mathematics department?...

What’s the difference between philosophy and eyeballing a picture of a rock?

One’s ideology, the other’s eyed-geology

To all the philosophy majors out there...

Can I get a Grande Mocha with whip please?

This one is for you philosophy nerds. What do you call it when a middle aged woman takes a break from reading Plato dialogues?

Meno pause

Professor of Philosophy

At the school-wide faculty meeting, an angel appeared suddenly.

The angel said to the head of the philosophy department:

"I can give you wisdom, beauty, or 10 million dollars, choose one of the three."

The professor chose wisdom without thinking

After a flash of lig...

There is at least one great philosophy in each of Brad Bird's films

The Incredibles: "When everyone's special, nobody is."

Ratatouille: "Not everyone can become a great artist, but a great artist can come from anywhere."

The Iron Giant: "Screw our country, I want to live."

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Philosophy final

in a class for philosophy, the teacher looks at his class, grabs his chair, places it on his desk and tells the entire classroom about his final.

"You have only one question: use your knowledge that I have taught you in this class and prove to me that this chair doesn't exist. You have until ...

What do you do with a philosophy major?

Think deep thoughts about being unemployed.

One More For All The Philosophy Majors Out There

The Physics major asks: How does it work?

The Engineering major asks: How do you build it?

The Accounting major asks: How much will it cost?

The Philosophy major asks: Do you want fries with that?

Philosophy Convention

All the world's greatest philosophers are gathering in France for the largest philosophy convention ever. Socrates, Descartes, Kant, etc have all made their way to Paris and checked into their rooms. Aristotle's invitation was lost in the time-travel post office and he didn't get the invitation unti...

What's the most important question for a philosophy graduate?

Whether Pepsi is ok.

One of the big themes in Sartre's philosophy is the idea of genuine choice versus just the appearance of having a choice.

So he can't meaningfully choose to have his coffee with no cream, because he could never have had it with cream to begin with, but he can meaningfully choose to have it with no milk.

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A joke my philosophy professor told me

So philosophers are known to have horrible jokes, and this one is no exception. I'm just posting this for any philosophers who may or may not appreciate it.

John has a date tomorrow with a pretty girl from his philosophy class. He's a nervous fellow and is worried about how to break the ice ...

Irish Philosophy

There are only two things you need to worry about in life;

Either you are well, or you are sick.

If you are well, then there's nothing to worry about. But if you are sick, then there's two things to worry about;

Either you will get better, or you will get worse.

If you wi...

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Did you hear about the prostitute who's a philosophy major?

She could really blow your mind.

So, I was in philosophy class

We were talking about AI in relation to the mind-body problem, and the professor said to flip to page 404. I couldn’t find it.

An optimist and pessimist are arguing about philosophy.

The optimist declares, “This is the best of all possible worlds.” The pessimist sighs and says, “You’re right.”

Philosophy joke

An instructor was introducing a class of freshmen philosophy majors to academic life. Before the end of the presentation, the instructor thought she would be nice and let the students avoid falling into conflict early on and so she said: "You have to be careful when meeting the professors to not mix...

So I was at a conference for experimental philosophy...

and it was getting a bit dull so I turned to the guy next to me and asked

"So, what do you do?"

He lit up, eager to tell all.
"Well, I'm studying the effects of introducing rodents to Nihilistic thinking through an intricate series of signals and experiments. Nice to meet cha!"
<...

Two recent philosophy graduates..

2 recent philosophy graduates, John and Andy, embarked on a cross-country journey to better understand the meaning of life.

They took with them their best friend, Bill, who was a college drop-out and a former drug addict who's now sober and helping his dad's business.

John and Andy tho...

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What is the design philosophy of the iPhone 7?

Jack off

For all of those Philosophy Majors out there

Philosophy Joke:

If an argument concludes a tree fall without human interaction in a forest for a stump to be made, and there are no lumberjack's in the forest to hear it, does it make it sound?

A horse went into a pub every night for a week.

The barman asked "you've been in every day. Do you think you might be alcoholic? '
" I don't think I am" said the horse, then promptly vanishes from existence.
You see, this is a joke about Descartes' philosophy of "I think, therefore I am", but telling you that first would be putting Descart...

What kind of car do most philosophy majors drive?

An uber.

Coffee Philosophy

The French existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre was sitting in a cafe when a waitress approached him:

"Can I get you something to drink, Monsieur Sartre?"
Sartre replied,

"Yes, I'd like a cup of coffee with sugar, but no cream".

Nodding agreement, the waitress walked off to fi...

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a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train...

a professor of sociology, a professor of mathematics and a professor of philosophy travel to a congress by train into switzerland.

looking out of the windows, the professor of sociology happens to see a black sheep.

"how interesting". he exclaims. "it appears there are black sheep in s...

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Can I serve you today?"

The horse replies, "I think not!" and disappears.

A group of philosophy students seated in the corner booth, familiar with Descartes' famous "I think, therefore I am," snicker among themselves. To make the joke work, I could have mentioned t...

A short philosophy joke...

René Descartes is walking around a party when somebody asks him if he’d like something to drink. Descartes answers, “I think not” and promptly vanishes.

What is Harry Potter's philosophy on relationships...

Hit it and quidditch.

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In a philosophy class...

Professor: Sometimes an idiot's question is too hard for even 10 geniuses to answer.

One student pipes up: No wonder I fail my tests.

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"I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history, naval architecture, navigation, commerce, and agriculture, in order to...

...tell millenials to 'get a fucking job'."

-John Adams, iirc

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Billy was the first person in his small town to go to college.

After he’d been there a few weeks, he lost all his money at a fraternity card game. He thought about his options and had an idea.

His father had just written him to ask how things were going. Billy wrote back and said, “Dad, you won’t BELIEVE what they can do at this school! They can teach...

Philosophy is a game with objectives but no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules but no objectives.

What did Hannibal Lecter say to the philosophy professor after the lecture?

I can smell your Kant.

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A professor of philosophy went to a doctor and asked for advice on how to improve his sex life.

"You seem to be in good physical condition," said the doctor, after an examination. "You run ten miles a day, every day for seven days, then phone me."

A week later, the professor telephoned. "Well," said the physician, "has the running improved your sex life?"

"I don't know," said the...

Telling your parents your a philosophy major is like reading them poetry

They snap

Sweet Potato Philosophy

"I think therefore I yam."

Philosophy Major: True story

With five minutes left in his class, a philosophy professor decides to talk about his own college experience.

“Philosophy is basically a dead-end major. You know where your career is going when you sign up for it.” He looks at one student and asks, “What would your parents say if you told the...

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