UPJOKE
lustwantdesireyearncovetthirsthungerstarvebegimploreaspireneedlongindulgerejoice

Crave Jokes

What do Vegan Zombies Crave?

GRAINS !!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If there is one thing I crave it’s ha penis.

Edit: god damn autocorrect - happiness

At the end of a long, hot day, what do cartographers crave most?

Shaded relief

What do undead bodybuilders crave?

*"gaaaaains...."*

What's the first thing a vampire craves in the morning?

Black coffin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.

At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?"

The wife asks, "How does he know you?"

Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."

Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"

Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team."

Next a stri...

What did the dyslexic Zombie crave?

Brians

Dawn craved repetition.

It explains why she relished relish, and was a fan of fans.

But nothing compared to the joy of the early morning.

Because that's when the dawn dawned on Dawn.

Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?

Cause he likes stabbing things in the back.

I don't get why pregnant women crave pickles.

A pickle is what got them pregnant in the first place.

When judges are thirsty what do they crave?

Just ice.

Pregnancy Cravings...

My parents were recently discussing my pregnant cousin, who has been craving ice cream throughout here pregnancy, so I thought I'd ask my mother what she craved through her pregnancy.

"An abortion" wasn't the answer I was expecting.

What is revolting and craved by the Chinese?

Hong Kong

What's the difference between a vegan and a straight male submissive?

A vegan craves umami. A male sub craves "ooh mommy".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy is stranded on an island with a goat and a dog.

Days pass.. then weeks... then months... and years pass with no human contact. He starts to crave the urge to have sex.

So he looks around and sees the goat. Comes up with the idea to have sex with it. He positions her right and is ready for some action. But just as he is about to pull his pa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 days remaining - Not Nut November has been so tough for me

Every time I crave for almond, I control the urge by masturbating.

There are two types of people in this world,

those who crave closure,

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was walking in the desert...

A man was walking in the desert, however he is now lost. He has survived for two weeks already, but he is craving for sex. In week three he sees a camel. Because the man is so desperate for sex, he turns a bucket he collected upside-down and starts thrusting towards the camel.

The camel howev...

Why are people supporting Donald Trump?

Because he has what plants crave; electrolytes.

There once was a Father and 3 sons

There were 3 brothers, who were the sons of a Father who could not say and. Each brother went by a different name according to their desires.

The oldest brother was a heavy asthmatic who craved air on the daily.

The middle brother was known across the world for his urge to use whateve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife went out today, so I had my hands full watching our daughter. She's kind of a whirling dervish, running around, bouncing off the walls, when suddenly, she stopped to play with my computer, broke the R button and tried to eat it...

She craves anarchy...

The creation of the woman.

When Adam roamed the garden of Eden, he saw how happy all the pairs of animals were, and he craved a partner. He prayed all day and all night, and in the end god answered his pleads and replied.

"Adam, what are you praying for?"

"Oh almighty god! I have seen the bliss of the animals of...

I don't perform on a stage because I'm funny

I perform on stage because I'm insecure about my own ability to be funny. I crave that attention, that validation from from an audience of strangers, I think it's because my father didn't give me the attention I needed when I was a kid. I still have fun though, I enjoy the job, the money is great to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harold and Phil are out golfing

Phil craves a smoke, so he pulls out a cigarette and asks Harold if he has a light.

"Sure", says Harold. He reaches into his golf bag and pulls out a massive foot-long gas lighter.

"Wow, where did you get that huge lighter?" asks Phil.

"My genie", says Harold.

"Your... ge...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Invitation

A writer decides to get away from it all so he can finish his novel undisturbed, so he rents an isolated cabin way up in the mountains and takes up residence in it. His closest neighbor is several miles away, but he does catch a glimpse of him from afar once in a while, when the neighbor is out hunt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is suicidal on Chrismas Eve...

A woman, about to jump off a bridge because her husband has divorced her and has complete custody of the children. She had also lost her job and was addicted to heroin. Before she could end her miserable life a skittering old, jolly-filled fatman made his way to her and inquired why she wanted to en...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were two statues...

...him and her, on a pedestal for hundreds of years. One day God noticed them and sent St. Peter to bring them to life, giving them an hour of life as a reward for enduring the weather for that long.
So St. Peter revives them and tells them the deal "for enduring hot sun, blizzards, hail e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marine Biologist

My uncle is a marine biologist who grew up in Kansas. He moved to Los Angeles for grad school and never left. His first real job was as a lab tech at USC, where he spent several years before stumbling into a part-time instructor job, which he finally parlayed into a tenured faculty position. The wor...

An expecting father

John was always a loving husband. For years he was constantly on beck and call. He never strayed from his wife Marla and Marla adored John. For years and years John and Marla attempted to have children. They went to fertility clinics, they sought guidance from multiple specialists, and even tried al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Clitoris Licking Frog

A new exotic adults' toy shop opens in town and Joan, a middle-aged spinster decides to go and check out their wares in hopes to satisfy her usually unquenchable urges.
A poster in the shop window immediately catches Joan's eye. 'NEW Clitoris Licking Frog - Guaranteed satisfaction in minutes'. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Too much cock..

A man goes to a doctor claiming his speech impediment is effecting his life, no one will hire him, no females will talk to him, no one wants to be his friend because of the way he talks and something needs to be done. The doctor curiously looks into the situation.
“Turns out your penis is to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

an illustrious lawyer dies and goes to hell...

... where he is greeted by the devil who says, "i have claimed your soul as one of the forsaken. for all of eternity, you will serve as my aide." this suited the lawyer's taste and so he handled clerical and correctional duties on behalf of the devil. for his first assignment, the devil takes him to...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.