UPJOKE
wantwishdesireneedwillmustitchwouldcravecovetwisherhankeryenyearnlack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

wanna know what happens when you give a politician viagra?

He gets taller

Wanna hear my Elton John joke?

It’s a little bit funny…

Kid says to mom “when I grow up I wanna be a drummer!”

Mom says “you can’t do both!”

Me as a server in a restaurant: "Do you wanna box for the rest of this food?"

Guest says yes, so I start to put on my gloves

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Her: "Hey, you wanna play hide n seek" ? Me: "Not really.."

Her: "You can fuck me if you find me.."

Me: "What if I can't find you" ?

Her: "I'll be over there, behind the haystack.."

Our kid is always saying, “I want to be Batman!” or “I wanna be Spider-Man!”

So we dropped him off at the orphanage.

Wanna hear a Ford joke?

Never mind, it won't start.

Wanna know a secret on how to make a woman go mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm all night?

duct tape.

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

My friend and I went to shoot some pool, and he said, “Do you wanna break?”

I said, “We just got here. How lazy are you?”

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Befor...

Do you wanna know what makes me smile?

Face muscles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 2017, Trump went to meet Vladimir Putin in Moscow...

... They had dinner at the Kremlin and sat down afterwards alone for drinks and cigars and to discuss business.

After a little bit Putin asks Trump "hey, you wanna see something?" and he rings a little bell that's sitting on the coffee table.

A beautiful blond walks in to the room, kne...

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

Zelensky calls Putin

Zelensky: Hey Volodya, wanna hear a joke?

Putin: Sure

Zelensky: Ukraine

Putin: I don't get it.

Zelensky: You will never get it.

Wanna hear a joke about construction?

Nevermind, I'm still working on it.

I wanna have a smoking hot bod for once in my life

That’s why I’ve decided on cremation

Things you don't wanna hear from your Proctologist....

"Look Ma, No Hands"

Anyone wanna hear one about a couple olives? (it’s long but worth the read trust me)

So there are these 2 olives right, let's call
them Frank and Bobby…… and these two
are long time best friends, and they’re as good of guys as they come, and always just having a good time together. Nice as can be. Just some good timing olives you know? Anyways they're on a high top table at a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wanna hear a joke about my penis?

Nah, forget it. It's too long.

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head monk calls him i...

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

I ask my boyfriend where do you wanna go for the holidays. He said somewhere I’ve never been before

i said try the gym

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

little long, but might be worth it

There once was a lady who was hearing impaired, A man had asked her to go canoeing on the river. As they were on the river they get to the fork and the man says " do you wanna go up or down " ? She exclaims !!! "OH My" pulls down her pants and they proceed to get it on. The next day he again asks if...

Wanna know something that’s funny?

I logged into Reddit and realized I only had 10 minutes left of my cake day and this is my first post of the day…

A young boy at school notices his best friend has a new watch!

The boy asks his friend "How did you get a new watch? How did you get your parents to buy it for you"?

His friend says "what you need to do is sneak home at a time when you are not expected and catch your father in bed with the next door neighbour and when you do he will buy you what you want...

Wanna here a dirty joke?

A boy fell in mud and got dirty.
Wanna here a clean joke?
The boy took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna here a dirty joke?
Bubbles was the girl next door.

A joke I would tell when I manned the Tom Sawyer Island rafts at Disneyland

Yarr! (Cause you gotta start with a "Yarr") Watch yerselves folks! Wouldn't wanna fall into the water there! These waters are cursed! I've seen many a good swimmer sink straight down without a chance! Why, my friend Yancy looked upon the poor souls sinking down to the watery depths one by one. He tr...

Wanna know what my favourite white wine is?

The immigrants are taking all our jobs....!!!

Wanna bully someone? Bully the wheelchair kids cuz they can’t stand up for themself!

This is a joke, don’t cancel me

A trucker walks into a truck stop to get dinner one night.

Well, as he's sitting there, enjoying his meal, three biker dudes roar up and storm inside.

The first dude spits in the trucker's milk. The second one grabs the trucker's dinner and stuffs it in his face. And the third one yells "You wanna piece of this? Huh? HUH?" and shadowboxes,

S...

A cowboy goes into town to buy a horse…

A cowboy goes into town to buy a horse, and he walks up to the local horse dealer and asks him about the horses he has to offer.

The horse dealer is telling the cowboy about one of the horses when the cowboy begins to lose interest. Out of the corner of his eye, the cowboy’s spotted the most ...

I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

Do you wanna play battleship?

I'll lay down and you can blow the hell out if me.

A college fellow is trying to find a date to take to the county fair - and maybe a little more afterwards.

After some fruitless searching, a buddy of his says "I know this cute girl, Ruby, that you ought to meet!" So he arranges for them to meet and go to the county fair together.

Well, they get there, he shows Ruby around and asks her "What do you want to do?"

"I wanna get weighed!" says ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy is drinking at a rooftop bar…

Another fella wanders in. Pulls up a seat at the bar and orders a beer.

“Wanna see a cool trick?” the first guy says.

“Sure, why not”

“Ok, see this beer?” He holds up his beer and takes a swig.

“It’s magic beer” he said.

“Bullshit” said the 2nd guy.

“I can ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pussy Willows

Two old friends hadn’t seen each other in years, because they lived so far away from each other. So they decided to meet in the middle, and take a weekend getaway golf trip.

They hit up a course tucked high up in the rockies, in a valley surrounded by white capped mountains. It was truly som...

You guys wanna hear a Dark Joke?

*turns off lights*
Alright, Knock Knock

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oooooh BURN!

Him : Hey, girl ... Wanna hear a joke about my dick ... Oh wait nevermind, it is too long.

(\*looks at his friends thinking he did a solid pick-up line\*)

Her : Let me tell you a joke about my pussy ... Oops nevermind, you won't get it.

'Wanna hear my Batman impression?"

‘Sure.’

‘Oh no! Kryptonite!’

‘That’s Superman.’

‘Thanks man. I’ve been practicing.’

i rubbed a lamp once and a genie came out of it

he said i'll grant you one wish, i said i wish i could talk to cheese

*poof* he granted my wish and disappeared

a few days later i'm in my house, and i open the fridge out of boredom and i see this block of cheese

and it said to me: "hey mister, i don't wanna stay in your fridge...

Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO ha...

Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?

LEFT WING DESTROYED

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the last thing you wanna hear when you're giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

"I'm not Willie Nelson."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A truck driver and his pet parrot are hauling a load of chickens

When all of a sudden he stops to pick up an attractive hitchhiker. He swings the door open and asks, "You want a lift?" She tells him "yes! Omg thank you!" As she starts to climb on in. When the parrot exclaims, "wanna fuck?" Which she stutters, "N-nnno." The parrot screeches, "No fuck! No ride!...

I modified this KGB joke by myself (Not a repost)

**My friend told me this joke**

> A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar.

> Woman : "Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?"

> The Russian : "I work for KGB."

> Woman : "Cool, tell me an interesting story!"

> Russian : "About me or...

I wanna crack some jokes on " Fired people"

But they don't work anymore!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew I heard from a Rabbi

Two devout Jewish men walked by a Christian church promoting conversions with $500 for each soul saved. The first fella says to his friend: "Hey Coen, I'm gonna go in there and feign interest to grab some free cash from those putzes bribing people for attendances!" Coen speaks up: "But Sal! You're a...

I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

An artist goes on stage to receive an award

I wanna thank my legs, for supporting me.

My arms, for always being by my side.

My fingers, because I can always count on them.

And finally sidewalks, for keeping me off the street.

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."


"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

Anyone wanna buy a Delorean?

It has super low milage
I only drive it from time to time!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

How many kids with ADHD does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

To the genius who invented 1ply toilet paper....

I wanna shake your hand.

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wanna know how I quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

does anyone wanna hear my corny jokes?

i promise you- they’re a-maize-ing!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Catherine and Michael's 15th Wedding Anniversary

>**Catherine:** "You know what, You've bought me enough jewelry the past 15 anniversaries, so this time I'm gonna make it all about you."

*Catherine decides to take Michael to a strip club as a special little gift. They arrive at the strip club, and are greeted by the bouncer at the do...

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slo...

Wanna know how Canada got its name?

They just picked letters from a hat.

“C,” eh.

“N,” eh.

“D,” eh.

Two men are delivering a very heavy safe into an aparment building.

They were an old man and a young man. They both walk up with the heavy safe for one floor and then the second floor, completely out of breath they stop for a bit just to catch some air.

They do one more floor and are completely exhausted. The old man says,

"Look on the safe, it says it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

Wanna know how to fund the Taliban?

Pay your taxes.

I remember my Grandpa’s last words before he kicked the bucket…

He said “Wanna see me kick that bucket?”

A drunk man walks into a bar

After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"


The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My frien...

Little Johnny goes to school one day.

As a 3rd grader, the day is pretty uneventful. However, when he takes a break for recess, he sees all of the kids gathered in a circle around his best friend Jimmy.

Wanting to see what all of the fuss is about, he pushes his was through, and sees he friend standing there proudly with his shi...

Wanna know where I keep all my dad jokes?

In a dad-a-base

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Do you know the difference between a dick and a chicken leg?”

“Nope.”

“Wanna’ go on a picnic?”

What did the ladle say to the spoon?

I wanna fork you all knife.

Sugar Daddy Humor

**Johnny the Fighter Pilot**

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest Sugar Baby, give her a Ferrari wo...

I really wish people would start taking Covid more seriously...

I don't wanna have to learn the entire Greek alphabet.

Rob Thomas

Rob Thomas's significant other complains about needing to do something new with their kitchen counters. He responds with "Let's go to Lowe's. I wanna take you for granite."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and a girl go out on a date.. It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get that shit again."

When I die I want my remains to be scattered at Disney World

I don’t wanna be cremated tho

Just wanna buy horses (long)

There was a young man interested in buying a pair of horses for breeding. He came across a small ranch with the rancher standing in front of the main entrance while watching a pair or horses gallop inside the fenced property.

Man: How much for the horses?

Rancher: White or black?
...

With life the way it is, you wanna know what really get up my nose, these days?

Rapid antigen Covid-19 self-tests.

3 bags of crisps walking down the road .. a bloke pulls up ,says hay guys wanna lift?

No thanks they replied we’re walkers

I wanna be a fiction writer later in life.

So I'm studying journalism.

Two eggs were boiling in a pot...

One egg says "hey you wanna see my crack"?

The other egg says "Don't tease me I ain't hard yet!"

You don't wanna mess with Kelvin.

He's an absolute unit.

I wanna die in my sleep like my grandpa

Not screaming and kicking like the guy riding shotgun with him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man and woman are lying in bed together

The old man gets horny and decides to wake up his wife
He says “ If you wanna have sex with me shake my dick one time, if you don’t wanna have sex with me then shake it a hundred times”

Not sure if posted already

A guy walks into a bar

Man:”my wife just cheated on me and I just wanna drink myself to death”

Waiter:”I can’t serve you and help you commit suicide”

Man:”What would you do if you were in my situation”

Waiter:” I’d kill the guy that slept with my wife”

Man:”That’s ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a job interview for a salesman position.

In order to prove he can do the job, the man is given a box of 100 toothbrushes, and told to come back when he's sold them all. He leaves, and returns in 2 hours and says "I sold them all." The interviewer is dumbfounded. "I have never had anyone sell that many toothbrushes that quickly! You get t...

Hey, are you into geology?

Because I wanna make your bedrock!

I wanna teach everyone here how to sit on a toilet.

But first...

“I have one bad and one good news, which one you wanna first?” Says the doctor

Patient: “Ugh... the bad first.. go.”

Doctor: “OK you have terminal cancer and you’ll probably die in a week”

Patient: “Oh damn wtf, what’s the GOOD NEWS??”

Doctor: “Ohh you see that nurse over there? I think she’s interested on me”

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.