UPJOKE
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Wanna Jokes

Ben Shapiro dies in a plane crash. Wanna know why it crashes?

LEFT WING DESTROYED

I wanna tell you a joke about a girl who only eats plants.

You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.

Do you wanna hear a joke about Jim Jones?

Oh, never mind. The punch line is too long.

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Wanna know how I quit smoking?

I decided to smoke only after sex.

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You don't wanna mess with me

A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.
When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."


The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.
...

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa’s favorite joke when I was growing up: “Wanna hear a dirty joke?”

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Edit: thank you for my first silver and gold

Edit 2: I really only expected maybe 1 comment, lol. This really kinda...

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

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Two guys wanna go out and get real hammered, but they only have $1

So, they go to a 7-11, buy a sausage and decide to have some fun. They go into the first bar and order a pint each. Just before they're done the pints and haven't paid yet (on a tab I guess), the one guy takes the sausage puts it between his legs, and the other guy bends down and begins to suck on i...

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and...

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I've translated a popular Russian joke to English , wanna hear you reaction ))

A young boy says to his father "Dad, our math teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 * 7?' so I asked 'what's the fucking difference?' "

"Indeed, what is the difference?" ask...

A blind man enters a bar and asks the Barkeeper "Wanna hear a joke about blondes?"

Suddenly, the bar is as silent as a grave. A guy next to the blind man leans over and whispers

"Dude, be carefull. The barkeeper is blonde and an ex-soldier. The bouncer is also blonde and the reigning box champion of the city. And then there is Joe... he's just released from prison after he...

Wanna hear my favorite time travel joke?

You guys didn't like it...

My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby.

Apparently they meant from the outside.

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The waiter came to my table and asked "Do you wanna box for your leftovers?"

So I knocked his ass out with a left hook.

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Hey, you wanna win?

Nah, we'll pass.

Wanna play Trump’s new Monopoly game?

Every place you land says *Go Directly to Jail*.

I wanna tell my girlfriend she's using way too much teeth when she goes down on me, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

How do I soften the blow?

At the risk of sounding like a Karen, I just wanna know why...

...do birds suddenly appear, every time, you are near.

You wanna hear a construction joke?

I'm still working on it.

Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: He-he, sure baby.

Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

Anybody wanna be in a platonic relationship?

I'm asking for a friend.

Hey! Wanna make $$$$ fast?

…Just follow my simple instructions:
1. Hold down the Shift Key
2. Press the number 4 four times.

It's that easy!

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Y'know, sometimes I just really wanna talk shit about reddit mods.

[removed]

Wanna know what's ironic?

A blind racist

Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.

Boy: and i have a math test tomorrow.

Girl: What does that have to do with anything?

Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

"Dad, I wanna a pet elephant!"

"Sorry, but that's not possible. We wouldn't even be able to feed it properly!"

"Get me one from the zoo then, you're not supposed to feed those ones!"

You guys wanna hear a construction joke?

..... hold on I'm working on it.


(Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew)

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wanna know what happens when you give a politician viagra?

He gets taller

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A joke meant to be told to someone you wanna make love to... 10% success rate.

A curious rabbit escaped from the zoo and into wilderness... It went HOP HOP HOP until it spotted a cow.

Rabbit: What are you?
Cow: Do you really wanna know?
Rabbit: Yes!
Cow: Let's have sex first.
--love making--
Cow: I'm a cow.

So it went HOP HOP HOP again until it spo...

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

Anyone wanna hang out, grab a drink or shoot some pool?

Asking for a friend

Anyone wanna buy a Delorean?

It has super low milage
I only drive it from time to time!

Wanna hear a joke about sodium hypobromite?

Na BrO

Joker to Batman: "Hey Batman, wanna hear a joke?"

"Yeah sure."

Joker: "Ok, parental love".

Batman: "I don't get it.."

"exactly."

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Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

I didn't wanna believe that my dad was stealing from his work as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

Wanna hear a dad joke?

Well, too bad. It left to go get the milk a year ago.

Wanna hear about my appliances?

My fan blows me away, the fridge is pretty cool, the vacuum sucks and the air ventilator just sits there and collects dust

'Wanna hear my Batman impression?"

‘Sure.’

‘Oh no! Kryptonite!’

‘That’s Superman.’

‘Thanks man. I’ve been practicing.’

Wanna know why so many of Chuck Norris' feats are unrecorded?

That's because he outran the cameraman

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

I wanna get married!

So a four year old says to his dad, "I want to get married dad". His dad, obviously a little bemused, chuckles and asks his son, "who do you want to marry?" His son responds, "to grandma." His dad chuckles a little and responds, "that's a little tricky. Why do you want to marry Grandma?" The son rep...

I wanna like most of the jokes here...

But for the most part, I reddit before.

How many a.d.d kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Wanna go ride bikes?

Wanna hear a joke about money?

I think it's a really funny joke. I coined it myself.

Damn girl are you a piñata?

Because imma need a blindfold before I hit that

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A Sexy Girl in a Party Asked a Retired Army Colonel:When did you last have sex ?

Colonel:1955.

She Said: That Was So Long Ago ! Wanna Have Some Now ?

The Colonel Looked at His Watch: Sure, Why Not
Its Only 2130 !!!

I'm a beggar and I wanna make a difference in this world. You may disagree with me

But I beg to differ

Hey baby, are you a GPU?

Cause I wanna make you mine.

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Wanna fuck?

A man called Carl, married a woman that never had sex, didn't know anything about human reproduction. And he taught her everything about sex and she liked it so much.

One day her husband was at work and her cousin visited her, they sat and after a minute of silence she asked him "do you want ...

Wanna hear about the time I got kicked out of school?

Everyone knows that kindergarteners are very curious. So back in the day I was peeing at a urinal, and Timmy comes up to me and says, "Whoa, your wiener is huge!"
I thought nothing of it at the time. But when we got back to class, Timmy started telling everyone. Within the hour they wanted to see...

The Pope dies and stands before the Gates of Heaven.

He knocks and St. Peter opens the Gate.

St.Peter:"Yes?? How can i help you??"

Pope:"I wanna speak with God."

St.Peter:"And you are ???"

Pope frustrated:"Im the Pope!!!"

St. Peter:"Doesnt ring a bell."

Pope very angry:"I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH GOD!!!"

St...

I have a great joke about depression, wanna hear it?

*sigh* Who am I kidding?

You'll hate it anyways.

Do you wanna play battleship?

I'll lay down and you can blow the hell out if me.

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". T...

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.

Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?

Skipping.

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The Maid asked the master's wife for a pay raise!!

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze.” “The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”...

Wanna know the price of an item someone has?

Break it.

Do you wanna know what makes me smile?

Face muscles

Wanna here a dirty joke?

A boy fell in mud and got dirty.
Wanna here a clean joke?
The boy took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna here a dirty joke?
Bubbles was the girl next door.

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

Wanna know a secret on how to make a woman go mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm all night?

duct tape.

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I wanna stick my penis in the pickle slicer.

Frank has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Frank vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later...

Wanna know what my favourite white wine is?

The immigrants are taking all our jobs....!!!

Just wanna buy horses (long)

There was a young man interested in buying a pair of horses for breeding. He came across a small ranch with the rancher standing in front of the main entrance while watching a pair or horses gallop inside the fenced property.

Man: How much for the horses?

Rancher: White or black?
...

I wanna have a smoking hot bod for once in my life

That’s why I’ve decided on cremation

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

Me as a server in a restaurant: "Do you wanna box for the rest of this food?"

Guest says yes, so I start to put on my gloves

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A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account." [NSFW]

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller: "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's the fucking problem? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller then leaves with...

I just wanna say to all people suffering from Paranoia

You are not alone

A man walks into a bar, “wanna hear a trump joke?”

The bartender puts down the rag he was cleaning with and looks up. “Buddy, before you go and tell that joke I think you ought to know I voted for mr. Trump... see those big guys down at the end of the bar? They voted Trump as well. Now, are you sure you wanna tell your little joke?”

The man l...

Wanna hear the joke when my wife knocked over a fence with our SUV?

Oh, sorry, it has already been reposted.

Ernie, wanna go out for Ice Cream?

Sure, Bert.

Things you don't wanna hear from your Proctologist....

"Look Ma, No Hands"

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Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Little Timmy fell in the mud.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
Little Timmy started playing in the mud.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
Little Timmy took a bath.

Wanna hear a cleaner joke?
Little Timmy took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear en even cleaner joke?
Little Timmy...

wanna hear a big brain joke?

Argon Chloride

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I wanna start a company that makes both condoms and coffins.

The slogan would be "We got you covered whether you are Cumming or Going."

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An English spy, a Scottish spy and an Irish spy are captured by the Nazis.

The Nazis ask if they have any last wishes

The Irishman says "I want the Irish national anthem to be played before I die"

The Scottish man says "I want the Scottish anthem to be played on bagpipes before I die"

The Englishman says "I wanna die first"

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

“Where your clothes at, Slim?”

“Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’

So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she tak...

A woman at the bar told me, "If you wanna bang me, it's $300."

I said, "Damn, I hadn't thought about it, but I could sure use the money!"

You guys wanna hear a Dark Joke?

*turns off lights*
Alright, Knock Knock

You don't wanna mess with Kelvin.

He's an absolute unit.

Kid says to mom “when I grow up I wanna be a drummer!”

Mom says “you can’t do both!”

does anyone wanna hear my corny jokes?

i promise you- they’re a-maize-ing!

What is your favorite Norm Macdonald joke/lune

"You,re the first defensive player ever to win the Heisman trophy, and no one can take that away from you."


"....Unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter"

If you see your joke, by all means comment, but don't repeat it, find another -he has thousands and thousands - I ...

Wanna hear a construction joke?

Sorry, my subcontractors are still working on it, we're behind schedule, my credit line and bank facilities won't get approved because my auditor won't release a clean audit report......it's a mess.

Wanna get some blood!

One night at about 2:00am, 2 bats were hanging upside down, when one bat nudged the other bat's wing...'hey you wanna go and get some blood, a midnight snack?'
The other bat says...' now where the heck are we going to get blood at 2:00 in the morning?'
So the other bat says 'if you dont want...

Wanna know how Canada got its name?

They just picked letters from a hat.

“C,” eh.

“N,” eh.

“D,” eh.

Wanna know how to fund the Taliban?

Pay your taxes.

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A horse...

... sees a rock band perform and thinks "Hey, I could do that." The horse calls up his local music store and is like "I wanna learn guitar, just one problem, I'm a horse." The employee says "don't worry we can do that." The horse goes, learns guitar for a few months, gets really good, and is pretty ...

Why don't churches have WiFi?

They don't wanna compete with an invisible power that actually works.

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

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Her: "Hey, you wanna play hide n seek" ? Me: "Not really.."

Her: "You can fuck me if you find me.."

Me: "What if I can't find you" ?

Her: "I'll be over there, behind the haystack.."

Two guys wanna go bar hopping, but they are broke.

So they try to think of a plan.

One guy thought of something: "Hey I got an idea. I have a pack of hot dogs here. Why don't I bring them to every bar we go to. We run up our tab, and when we're ready to leave, I'll put a hot dog in my pants and you pretend you're blowing me. People freak out ...

Wanna see something short and sweet?

look in a mirror

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Rude customer

Fellow walks into a bank.

He hasn’t had a haircut for some time. He is wearing a T shirt with food stains on it, a pair of jeans with holes and two unmatched sandals. He has a can of beer in one hand and a piece of paper in the other.

He gives a loud belch and yells « Service! »<...

Wanna hear a period joke?

What do periods and Santa have in common?
Neither comes if you have been naughty.

Wanna last longer in bed?

Forget to set an alarm

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