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Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

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Life is like a dick

it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Life is like a box of chocolates...

... it doesn’t last long if you’re fat.

What's the difference between life and a pencil?

A pencil has a point.

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

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The secret to a good love life is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these women never, ever meet each other.

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A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.

As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, in a v...

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My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

3 unwritten rules of life...

1.

2.

3.

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I used to feel like life was in the palm of my hand

I also used to jack off a lot

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I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

Why did the archaeologist hate his life?

His career was in ruins.

An old Man is in the big city the first time in his life for an doctors apointment.

He takes a taxi, a mercedes, to get to his appointment. The whole ride he bombards his driver the most stupid questions about live in the big city. The taxi driver gehts more and more irritated about the questions.

Finally the man asks: "What´s the star in the middle of your hood for?"
...

I've been lucky enough to be with several women in my life...

And I've learned that when you pleasure a woman, they are much like farts.

Some are too loud, some are near silent and, when you least expect it, you'll get a squirter.

Human Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the o...

What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?

Reintarnation

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

Life keeps getting worse. Last night a thief stole the bottom left key off my laptop.

It feels like I'm losing control.

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand.

Now put it over your mouth.

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

So I asked my North Korean friend how his life was going.

He said "can't complain".

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A dick has a sad life

His family is nuts, his neighbor is an ass, his best friend is a pussy and his owner beats him.

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You ever realize life is like toilet paper??

One minute you’re on a roll, next you’re taking shit from some asshole

My dad said that if you do what you love you would not work a day in your life.

I love drugs

Life after death does exist!

Just not for the person that died.

My friend has an unhealthy obsession with ocean life

I told her to sea kelp

Life is like a box of chocolate.

I always get the disgusting, alcoholed-filled one.

life is like a game of chess

i dont have a clue how to play chess

A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars.

However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat.

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Why is it called "The circle of life"?

Because it's fucking pointless

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There is a young man who lives a terrible life.

He had to go to school AND go to work, but his teacher hated him and would fail him for every test he took, and his boss was so cheap and crooked, he was barely making any money at all even after working for him for years. On top of that, he was hated so much by his co-worker and that there was an a...

How's life as a police dog?

Ruff

If life gives you melons...

You have dyslexia.

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My brother said it's his lifes ambition to give a hand job to a plumber, an electrician, a carpenter and a builder.

Hes wants to be a jack off all trades

Jesus is down by the gates to Heaven

When an old man approaches.

"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.

"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him ve...

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.

Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times. After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.

Dylan asked, "Who are you?"

The fat man replied,...

An ONLY child says to his mother, "what's your biggest regret in life mum?"?

Mum: " hmmm ....."
Mum: "the abortion, I don't know what I was thinking"


Mum: "I shouldn't have chickened out"

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth and only got a toaster.

Saw a sketchy looking man outside Walmart begging for money so he could buy the new life size Wonder Woman doll.

I swear, these heroine addicts looking worse every year.

My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die

"Usually an overdose", I said

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A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.
"How much for a hand-job?"
"$5,000" she replies.
"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."
"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a res...

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Having sex is like having a Porsche. The first time you try it it's over way too fast, you couldn't wait to do it again and people probably think your cool for the rest of your life...

...also I've never had a Porsche.

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What can a married man get for $400 that will really spice up his sex life?

A divorce.

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Life is sometimes challenging. We all need to treat it like dogs do.

If you cant play with it or eat it, piss on it and walk away

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Happy Mother's Day!

After years of trying to convince my wife of the need to spice up our love life, she took one look at me as I walked in the door from work and told me I was too dirty, go in the back door.

Unfortunately, I must have misinterpreted something. I need bail money and a divorce lawyer.

Police are looking for the person(s) responsible for drawing graffiti on local sea life

Police are saying its no accident and has been done on porpoise.

I started watching football (soccer) because I could see it’s very relevant to my life...

Little to no goals.

There are three ways to look at your life

Only left eye open, only right eye open, both eyes open.

My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin

It's what he would have wanted...

The three hardest things to say in life are:

1. I was wrong
2. I need help
3. Worcestershire sauce

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If someone ever asks about your sex life, tell them it's like Tiananmen square.

There's protests and it's hidden from the public.

Two very important life rules:

1) Never tell anyone everything you know.

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The secret to a long life

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed a shriveled, stooped old lady. She was sitting on her front step, contentedly smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

She said, "I smoke ten cigars a day. Be...

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What would life be like without women..

A pain in the ass.

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

I finally have enough money to last me the rest of my life.

Unless I buy something.

I was banned from the Chex cereal factory for yelling oddly specific, and degrading comments at the cereal machines. I am now on a list that bars me from entering any General Mills facility for the rest of my life.

That's right.


I'm a registered Chex offender.

Life was so simple before I got married.

I had absolutely no idea there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge.

Happy wife, happy life.

Happy husband, suspicious wife.

Hearing aids can change your life...

...especially when your immunologist is completely sure about your std tests.

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I don't need anyone to run my sex life.

I run it single-handedly

There was once an angel who was very happy with life because she was very beautiful and she always got to wear pretty, perfect dresses.

One day, when she ran out of clothes to wear, she decided to wash them. When she took her dresses out of the washing machine, she noticed several small pieces of fibre were just stuck randomly on her pieces of dressing.

This incident absolutely traumatized her. She was always known for how pe...

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