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Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

I witnessed an actual murder in real life and didn't tell anyone about it.

Crows are common in my area so it wasn't a big deal.

Fox News actually saved my life.

I was in a coma for 7 years, but one day one of the nurses changed the channel on my TV to Fox and I had to get up to turn it off.

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I spiced up our sex-life with some flavoured condoms....

My missus said, "Wow! This one tastes just like cheese and onion".
I said, "I haven't put it on yet"

An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years

A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"

The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."

The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh,...

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A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry (NSFW)

They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is. The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".

The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the ther...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see" Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command.

Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues: "For the *last* five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it."

So Jim asks, "Well, ...

There are 3 unwritten rules of life.

1.

2.

3.

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My sex life is like Coca-Cola.

First it was normal, then light and now zero.

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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Next time you're feeling down, remember that life is all about perspective.

I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day and reads two books every week yet he always complains how he much he hates prison.

Me and my French girlfriend started a bakery in Paris with our life savings. It didn't take off. I went bankrupt. She left me.

Now all I have is pain.

Death is the only certainty in life

"There was a merchant in Bagdad who sent his servant to market to buy provisions and in a little while the servant came back, white and trembling, and said, Master, just now when I was in the marketplace I was jostled by a woman in the crowd and when I turned I saw it was Death that jostled me. She ...

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My mama always said life was like a penis

When it gets hard...fuck it

The Nagging wife.Frank the farmer had a nagging wife. She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day while in the field, Frank’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.

At the funeral, the Priest noticed t...

Why did the Jamaican spice dealer turn his life around?

Because he was a cinna-mon

When life hands you melons...

You might be dyslexic

And so John said to David come forth and you shall win eternal life...

But David came fifth and won a toaster

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My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

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So over the past few weeks I've been mastering the art of ejaculating in various shapes. I've done squares, triangles, hexagons, but could not for the life of me form an oval. I was starting to get frustrated, but its fine now...

I came a round.

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, everything in my life has changed.

My phone number, my address, my name. Everything.

Life is like a box of chocolates

Fat people go through it faster than skinny ones

I saw a book on Amazon, “How to reduce your life’s problems by 50%.”

Naturally I ordered two copies.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

I have tried all my life multiplying really large numbers by zero.

That amounted to nothing.

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

A bat asks another bat, “What was the worst day of your life?”

He answered, “The day I had diarrhea…”

Grandma, you are 105 years old, what's the secret for such a long life?

"I don't have enough money for burial services."

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

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A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

He goes inside, and asks the bartender what he needs to do to receive free beer for life. The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a bottle of vodka, " First, drink this whole bottle in one go, no cry...

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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting ...

Netflix is soon releasing an extremely realistic documentary series about the life of Abraham Lincoln.

The finale is shot before a live audience.

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A professor develops a theory to determine how truthful patients are when asked about their sex life.

According to the theory, the wider the smile is, the more frequent the intercourse.

To put his theory into practice, he invites some of his patients into the practice.

He goes up to the first one, asks him a few questions and, seeing the smile, asks:

\- You're together once a w...

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My covid status is like my sex life

I'm vaccinated

Life is like the ocean

In the years before World War II, in a little Polish village, a learned rabbi used to teach his students, “Life is like the ocean.” And they would nod and respond, “Yes, life is like the ocean.” One young student was particularly taken with this philosophy, and he carried it with him through the lon...

What do you title a book about a Jewish girl brought back to life?

The Diary of Anne Frankenstein

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A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

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So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

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Did you hear about the woman who finally achieved her life long dream of working as a dildo tester?

People said she didn't have it in her, but she does.

Toughest time of my Life

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic ci...

The secret to a long life.

Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets:
The old man said: “I’ll tell you you a secret.
I’ve been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.
I’ve been walking 5 kilometers everyday for...

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

Life has 3 levels of existence...

Pain and pleasure in the physical plane. Enlightenment in the spiritual plane. And no leg room in the air plane.

Man: "Aww geez, my life sucks!"

Narrator in Hiroshima: *It was about to get a whole lot worse*

Do you know what collapses faster than my life?

the Afghanistan government

Drunk man: "Is life worth living?"

well, it depends on the liver.

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A police officer shoots a criminal. A doctor comes and saves his life. Then in court, the judge sentences the criminal to death.

The doctor then says, "this is some fucking bullshit".

When life gives you melons...

...you're probably byslecix.

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I had the best sex of my life while camping.

It was fucking in tents

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Why sex life of necrophiacs is frustrating?

Potential partners are under a rock

I bought the love of my life some fish from Washington, but she dumped me immediately afterwards.

Oh well, there's plenty more fish in DC.

My mom always said you’ve got to commit yourself to make it in this life.

Now I’m posting from the psychiatric ward. Tell momma I made it!

I wasted all of my life savings on pasta...

It was worth every Penne.

Don't let casual racism be a part of your life

Go competitive

A man prayed to God his entire life to win the lottery.

A man prayed to God every day for 65 years. He prayed in the morning, at lunchtime, in the evening and just before he went to sleep.

The man passed away and went to heaven. The man was rather upset with the Lord and sought him out.

When the man found the Lord, he said "I've been prayi...

Two aliens are flying near earth~

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."

The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

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They say smoking and drinking take years off your life.

Those last 10-15 years are pretty crappy anyway

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

Cheating for "Good" Reasons

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "We...

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A husband and wife are looking to spice up their sex life

The husband comes home one day with a shopping bag from a costume shop. "I've got a surprise for you. I thought we could try a little role-playing tonight. I'll call you into the bedroom after I've changed."

The wife becomes excited as she waits to be summoned to an erotic night of love-makin...

I always wanted my life to be a meme

Dead within a week

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A couple decides to spice up their sex life

The man asks his wife, “let’s try doing the “Bill Clinton”, where you blow me as I’m working”.

The wife says “ok, as long as we don’t do the “JFK”, where you splatter all over me unexpectedly”.

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I finally fulfilled a life long dream and had sex with an Asian girl!

It was really good, but two hours later I was horny again....

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Life sucks.

That's probably why most people choose to be dicks...

My dad said he was going to set me up for life. Of course, I was excited by the idea.

Until he blamed me for the murder he committed.

Dont Blame Someone Else For All The Things That Happen In Your Life And The Road You Have Chosen...

Thats Your Own Asphalt

Mid life career change

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "So what do you do?" the bartender chats him up. "Well I used to work in food service, but I just got a new job in IT," the guy says. "How was it changing careers?" the bartender asks. "Well, you know, a job is a job. I guess the biggest difference is that t...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

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My girlfriend said to me "would you rather give up chocolate or blow jobs for the rest of your life?"

I said "definitely blowjobs, they hurt my jaw and throat after a while"

My life is a joke

Wait nevermind, jokes have meaning

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life.

He was so right..... I feel 10 years older and I only jogged for 15 minutes

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day

Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

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Free beer for life

A man walks into a bar sits down on an open stool and orders a drink. As he’s looking around the place he notices a sign on the wall that says free beer for life. Intrigued he asks the bartender what the sign is about. Bartender tells him there are 3 things he has to do if he wants the free beer. “W...

Before I got my life in order I used to host illegal parties and DJ at Stonehenge

But I no longer mix in those circles

My friends think that your name represents what you should do in life. Dina worked to find a dinosaur fossil, and Jack became a lumberjack,

We don’t talk about Cliff.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

Life insurance

An elderly man goes to the life insurer to make a contract with them, but the lady there asks:
- How old are you, Sir?
- I'm 102 years old.
- 102 ?! And you want to take out life insurance at your age? Do you know what? Come back tomorrow.
- Not good tomorrow. Then it will be...

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When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”
Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodb...

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A man and his wife went on a weekend trip to the big city

Tired of going from shop to shop and arguing with his wife about it, he stands outside the next shop in protest.

While waiting a prostitute walks up to him and ask if he wants a quickie in the alley.

After thinking it over, he replies: "Well why the hell not. I haven't tried much in m...

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Eve the beautiful fairy had the power to bring life to the world with her poop.

She had been wandering the forest near the king's palace for a good spot to take a nice dump, and she found one in a nice shapely pile of leaves. Once finished, she noticed the dead flowers around her bloom as if it were spring. Unbeknowst to our favourite fairy Eve, the poop itself came to life in ...

"Do you smoke?"

*"Yes."*

"Do you know that smoking shortens your life."

*"Yeah I know."*

"How old are you?"

*"18."*

"You would have been 28 by now."

Worries in life

There are only 2 things in the world to worry about, Are you healthy or or you sick?

If you''re healthy, there's nothing to worry about. If you're sick, there's two things to worry about.

If you''re gong to get better, there's nothing to worry about. If you're going to die, there's tw...

Life hacks from Secretary Stalin, don’t dress for the job you want. Use the job you have to create a totalitarian dictatorship to crush your enemies.

*this joke exists because I found out Stalin’s title during his reign was Secretary. During the power struggles his opponents wanted to give him a menial job to side line him. But he realized he controlled who got invitations to meeting, what was on the agenda, and when they should happen. Leading t...

Of all my favorite burglars in life

The bakery thief really takes the cake

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

Would you like to be the sun of my life?

Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?


Her: Awww... Yes!!!


Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me

With life the way it is, you wanna know what really get up my nose, these days?

Rapid antigen Covid-19 self-tests.

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Satan arrives to welcome a new damned soul to hell.

"Congratulations!", he says, "You wasted your entire pitiful life!"

"Well," the man replies, "at least I'm not a adult living in my father's basement."

So, I asked my grandfather why he doesn’t have a life insurance

He answered: “Because I want you to be truly sad when I am gone”

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Golf Player and Saudi Prince

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family...

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A man with no arms and no legs sits at the beach pondering his lonely life

3 beautiful women walk by and the first woman taking pity on the man walks up and asks "Have you ever been hugged before?"

"No" says the man. So she hugs him and walks on.

The 2nd woman also taking pity on the man, walks up and asks "Have you ever been kissed before?"

"No" the m...

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A middle aged man was talking to his elderly father

"I wanted to thank you dad, I remember when I was younger and first dating girls you gave me a piece of advice. You said 'good companion, good in bed, good mother - pick two'"

The father looked kindly at his son and nodded.

"Well, I feel like I have a good life. My wife is kind to me a...

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New study shows the average person has 8 sexual partners in their life.

However it is being criticized for counting your mom who has sex with 30 new people a day and is therefore a statistical outlier.

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Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling dow...

If I end up on life support, unplug me.

Then plug me back in. See if that works.

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The most important thing in life is love...

... and I fucking love money

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

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Life fucks you pretty hard

But atleast it won't ask for child support payments

In honor of Dads everywhere: Father's Day is Dad Joke central - a way of life.

I took my Dad to breakfast this morning. A woman was bringing a pot of coffee around to see if people needed refills. At each take, people would likely accept or decline.. "Yes, thank you." "No, we're fine, thanks."

She gets to our table.

"More coffee?"

Dad: "Is it free?"
<...

Married life!

One day, I looked at my wife and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, b...

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".


Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does...

My life is a lot like chess.

I'm really bad at it.

Life is decay

so be a fungi

(long) Life lessons learned on a farm.

One day, a chicken and horse were walking in a field when all of a sudden, the horse fell into a thick bed of mud. Failing to pull him out, the horse said, "Quick! Get the farmer! He'll help me!"

The chicken ran back to the farmhouse and pounded on the door, but no one answered. He dashed in...

Where do you find a Samurai who would give his life for you?

on Oni Fans

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A man is walking along the Las Vegas strip, and meets the most beautiful woman he's ever seen....

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"$5,000" she replies.

"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

I've stopped burning bridges in my life

because they make them out of steel now.

Why is it called the circle of life?

Because it has no point.

A husband and wife give up their identical twin boys for adoption. They name one of them Juan and the other Amol

Years later the wife receives a letter from Juan reaching out to her, he included a picture. Elated she showed her husband who was excited to see his son doing so well in life.. weeks later they receive a letter from Amol telling them how well he is doing and also included a picture. Wife asks hubb...

The first animals to leave the ocean probably probably weren't too used to life on land.

You could even say they were like fish out of water.

I wanna be a fiction writer later in life.

So I'm studying journalism.

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Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

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I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

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How is life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

Thor was bored with life on Asgard and one day decided travel to earth to entertain himself.

Whilst here he happened upon a beautiful maiden and the pair hooked up that evening and made love all night, with Thor slipping out in the early hours.

Back in Asgard Thor felt bad for the fair lady about slipping away never too be seen again and thought he at least owed it to her to explain...

My girlfriend packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman. She screamed, "I want you to go!" I said, "Please can we just talk about it first?" She replied, "Go on, I'm listening." I sat down and began...

"It was the most amazing experience of my entire life..."

Albert Einstein was a musician throughout his life. He had a phase where he experimented with hip hop. His rapper name was

MC squared

What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft?

They were fine, because Lisa Kudrow

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