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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

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Life is like a dick

Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever.

Too bad life is short.

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife

Happy Mother’s Day!

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

The three unwritten rules of life

1.

2.

3.

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A lonely lady decided she wanted to find a good husband to spend the rest of her life with so she placed an advert in the paper. It read:

“Looking for a husband, must not beat me, must not chase me around when I’m with my friends, must be good in bed”

The next day a gentleman called in reply to the advert and said he would be perfect for her. She thought he sounded nice and polite, so she invited him around for dinner.
...

When I was young, they always told me, "Do what you love, and you'll never work a day in your life".

I didn't realize until now that it was a warning.

When life gives you melons, you might have dyslexia.

There should be a sub for stolen jokes.

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The men life cycle

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a
passionate girl, but she was too emotional....

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After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business. He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life...

One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 10 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.

A ...

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6 life lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

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As a father I am granted 3 things in life:

1. I am allowed to have a dad bod.
2. I am allowed to make dad jokes.
3. I am a certified mother fucker.

My life is like a circle.

Pointless.

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I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

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There are 3 stages to a married couple’s sex life

Tri-weekly

Try weekly

Try weakly

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads "Truth + God = Life"

Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life - God

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

When life closes a door

Open it back up; sort of how doors work.

So how’s life in totalitarian China?

Oh you know... can’t complain

Why couldn't the dolphin get a life?

He had no porpoise.

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

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Why don't vampires have a very active sex life?

They only eat pussy once a month.

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Girlfriend said she isn't happy with our sex life.

A small part of me knows why...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

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My dating life is like pulp fiction

One minute I feel like John Travolta. I got class, style, a nice car and I’m on my way to pick up my date.

The next minute I’m getting fucked in the ass.

How many lives does a cat have left after it loses its ninth life?

Nein lives

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This quarantine hasnt been easy on my sex life.

I keep confusing the lube with the alcohol.

And the Lord said to John; come forth and you will have eternal life...

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

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Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds.

Right on my big toe. Shits broken now I can hardly walk.

A Christian priest in Africa being chased by a lion is running for his life....

While he is running full speed, thinking how to get away from this situation, he starts praying asking god to please turn the lion into a good Christian. He hears a voice from the sky that says: “your prayer has been answered” Suddenly the lion catches up to him and jumps him, trapping him, And mira...

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I named my dick life...

I can't get out of bed in the morning because life is hard.

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The coronavirus is a lot like a kinky sex life:

I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.

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I was reading some life hacks to my wife, one of them was: If you can do something in less than five minutes, don't postpone it.

Without missing a bit she replied: That was a nice try right there, wise ass.

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A local journalist goes to a hillbilly to interview him about his day-to-day life

After a long chat, the journalist asks the hillbilly: "You certainly must have experienced a lot of interesting ventures. Tell our readers a good, wholesome story that has happened to you.



"Well" the hillbilly ponders "Two years ago, one of our most beautiful goats got lost in the woo...

A Zebra, pondering his life, sips water at the edge of a river....when a crocodile snaps up, bites the Zebras head and kills the zebra....

The zebra’s soul goes to heaven where St Peter meets the zebra to welcome him to heaven.

The Zebra says...“you know, I died because I was sitting there pondering if I was white with black stripes.....or black with white stripes. “

St Peter says..”well the only person who can answer th...

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Stereotypes in real life

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered,...

An atheist is hiking in the woods...

So an atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear. The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror "Oh God, help me!!!"

Suddenly, everything--> the bear, the trees, the birds, everything bu...

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Why life is so hard when you're a dick?

You always have to stand up for your problems





First post and Im making a bad jokes

For the first time in my life, I can’t go for a holiday because of COVID-19

Previously, it was because I couldn’t afford it

Life is like a box of chocolates

You're not going to enjoy it if you're anorexic

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Life is like a toilet paper

One minute you’re on a roll


And the next minute, you’re taking shit from some asshole

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

(real-life joke) My 5-year-old daughter and I were playing with her dolls...

Having a great time cooking a great meal in imagination-land (toy room) when things got real.

Daughter - "Hey Dad, Let's throw the old food in the field to feed the animals."

Me - "Good idea, that would be nice so they get some food too."

Daughter - *throws a few pieces of fake...

Here is a miner's life

Edit: OMG thanks for the gold and the silver I didn't expect it to blow up

Yeah thats the joke its lame

I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It’s his altar ego.

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a dick's life

A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess. His family is nuts. His next door neighbor is an asshole. His best friend is a pussy. His owner beats him habitually.

Black life matter cuz..

they occupy space and have weight

life without love is meaningless..

Love without life is necrophilia.

I have discovered real life magicians

Whenever the police appears, people vanish.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct people's spelling

and having friends

I told my dad recently "life would be a whole lot easier if you just pulled out"

He replied "I think I tried!"

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Having had extremely bad breath for most of his adult life, and having tried every possible over the counter mouthwash and toothpaste, Larry finally decides to go see a Doctor.

The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit ...

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My fear of palindromes is really affecting my life.

I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me anything.
That bastard gave me Xanax...

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Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly

What's the key to a long married life?

Not getting divorced.

I had the time of my life in quarantine. I did what i wanted, when i wanted. Now that things are opening up where i live, i have to go back to work and feel obligated to hang out with friends.

I feel like my freedoms are being taken away!
Wake up!

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A man with no arms and no legs is sitting on the beach, thinking deeply about his life.

As he lays there, unable to move, he thinks about all the rejection he has faced. Countless women, scared off by his grotesque appearance, have avoided all contact with him. Never been kissed, never been loved.


As he reflects on his sad, lonely existence, a beautiful, busty young lady, ...

Seeing people walking out of my life is really painful.

Please start running i don't have that much time.

Stop saying your life is a joke!

A joke has meaning.

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Calling your penis life makes sense.

You can say life is hard every morning jo matter how you feel

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My wife and I, we wanted to spice up out sex life so we did a bit of role playing. She dressed as a nurse and I dressed as a doctor.

And that coma girl was already dressed as a patient, so she obviously was into it from the very beginning, your honor.

I can't believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading

The judge called it "organ harvesting", but that's just semantics

What type of trophy do you get when you’ve seen a traumatic amount of cat asses in your life?

A catastrophe

Father Rabbit teaches his Rabbit Son life lessons.

So Father Rabbit takes four female rabbits and lines them up in front of his son.

"Son", says Father Rabbit, "we are small and vulnerable animals, and everyone in the woods wants to eat us. That's why we have to do everything really fast to stay safe. Including reproduction. I brought these f...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

Why doesn't Reddit have an NSFL (Not safe for life) warning

Because Redditors have no life

My wife and I's love life got a whole lot more interesting ever since we got an e-reader.

You might say we've rekindled the fire.



(Just thought of it, probably terrible, and probably something someone's already thought of, but hey-ho.)

What do you deserve in life that is also a type of bagel?

Everything.

Credit due to a Laffy Taffy wrapper.

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Wanna know the difference between life and dicks?

Life is always hard.

A man killed his lifelong friend

He was charged with homiecide

My life is like a choose your own adventure book

its just that every option is a bad one and the pages aren't numbered

What’s worse than the doctor saying you’ll have to take pills every day for the rest of your life ?

Realizing he only gave you one box

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

## Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

Life is like being halfway through a bad movie,

might as well see how it ends.

I have enough money to set me for life...

If I die next Thursday.

A native american man lived in the big city all his life.

Then one day his father dies. When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.

But then that autumn, they people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold w...

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I wish my sex life was like my work schedule

If that were the case I’d always finish last.

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A young boy ran away to the docks and joined a pirate ship to begin his new life as a cabin boy.

He met the captain, which had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. The captain, glad to have another crew member on board immediately put the new cabin boy to work, mostly doing dishes and cleaning and such.

The young boy worked for a month without a single complaint, but the capta...

What do you call a chicken in a mid-life crisis?

Scrambled.

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What does ejaculation and an empty life have in common?

Nuttin

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What's the difference between single life and married life?

When you're married, there's no volume on when watching porn.

With over 1,000,000 people infected with coronavirus in the US, I’m beginning to fear for my own life

Thank god I live in America.

I never believed my teacher when she said I’d need Pythagoras later in life

Wait until my partner finds out I can’t cosine a loan.

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The secret to a good love life

### Is finding a woman who treats you like a king, one that helps you be a better person, one that you really connect with sexually.

And most important: make sure these three women never, ever meet each other.

A 30 year old jobless, homeless, broke guy went to a palm reading fortune teller to know when will his life be better.

Guy: How will my future be?

FT: Till you're 42, you'll suffer thinking about your life getting ruined, cleaned out, agonized, strapped, tortured, penniless, distressed, dirt poor, tormented, wasted, unproductive, exhausted, dried up and living a lifeless life.

Guy: So what happens aft...

You know that you’re at the highest point in your life...

...when you’re smoking weed on Mount Everest.

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A journalist wants to write an article about the life of Welsh farmers...

When he finds one, amidst the questions he asks: "What was the best day of your life?"

The farmer answers:" One day we lost a sheep. We looked everywhere, and when we finally found her, we wanted to celebrate, so we fucked her!".

The journalist is taken aback, he can't really...

A man got mocked and bullied all of his life because he had a girl’s name.

He got married and was so happy that someone treated him normally.

His wife had a baby girl, who she named Love, in honor of their love and his unique name.

She was also mocked and bullied at school.

One day she couldn’t take it anymore. Love shot her dad in the chest and scre...

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My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on penis enlargement.

She said she can't take it any longer.

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He as...

Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back...

I wanted to catch up in life to my peers this year...

I guess I got what I wished for.

I was sat opposite a girl yesterday, for the life of me I couldn't remember her name.

I decided to just be honest and tell her, "I'm sorry but what was your name again".
"Jessica" she said. "Do you have trouble remembering girls names" she added in a wry way.
"Only the ugly ones" I blurted out.
Anyway to cut a long story short I didn't get the job.

A lonely man lives a lonely life

^title

He lives alone, works alone, and plays his video games alone.

Now, he has tried to make friends but whatever he does...

-he always finds a person with a corrupt heart who uses him

-a person who is outright selfish and mean knowing he has no other friends

-or...

Years ago I won a tony for my work in the theatre, but year after year went by and my dull attempts to win another were in vain. Then, one day I wrote a play about how I changed my routine and began to lead an exciting life. For this I won another award.

You could say I’ve broken out of monotony

What is the difference between you and my life

You haven t been constantly screwing me yet

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

For the first time in my life, I allowed someone else to change my tire.

Now I know what it's like to be a woman!

I always wanted a life like a Disney princess

I should have specified not the part where they are stuck at home, cleaning the whole day

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Lifesavers, get a hole lot more outta life

A teacher gave each of her students a packet of Lifesavers candy and had them all identify the flavours by colour.

Red = cherry
Yellow = lemon
Green = lime
Orange = orange

Finally, all the class were stuck on the last lifesaver flavour, the translucent Honey flavoured lifesa...

My wife said we should spice up our love life

“What do you mean?” I asked.

She said “let’s do a bit of role playing. I’ll be the doctor and you be the patient”.

“Alright...” I went with it, “How are you, doctor?”

“We have no appointments till November. Goodbye”.

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

If I had a dollar for every girl that looked different in real life than she did on her online dating photos...

I still wouldn't have enough money for make-up remover for 1 of them

When life gives you HIV

you make koolaids

Tell a woman she’s beautiful a hundred times and she won’t believe you.

Tell a woman she’s fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

My love life is like a game of minesweeper

I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

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Since I contracted Covid-19 our sex life has been so much better

Seeing as I can't smell or taste.

What do yo get if you’re inducted into the serial killer hall of fame?

A lifetime dismembership.

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My life

Marked NSFW because it’s a fucking joke.

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What's the difference between a prostitute and life?

Life fucks everyone for free.

John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter -

\- with millions of clocks around the room.

Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?"

Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies."

So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twic...

Doctor: The bad news is you’re going to have to take one of these tablets everyday for the rest of your life.

Doctor: The really bad news is I’m only giving you three

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The pastor states, “Everything in modern day life is explained in the Bible.”

Everyone in the congregation is trying to stump the preacher. Finally someone yells out, “What about PMS?” A hush grows through the church. The pastor answered, “That’s easy. And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!”

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Life is like a penis

It keeps getting hard for no reason and you never quite know what to do with it.

Wife and husband talk about life if she died

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"

"After a considerable period of grieving," he says, "I guess I would. We all need companionship."

"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"

"We've spent a lot of money getting thi...

So I decided to incorporate Twitter into my daily life

I think it's going well, but these women keep asking me why I'm following them.

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A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.

The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

All My Life I Wanted to be the Person so Committed to Something I Would Die for it

And that is why I'm not appealing my execution, Your Honor.

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