John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Happy Mother's Day!

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in he...

My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

The 3 unwritten rules of life

1.

2.

3.

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

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I tell my wife I'm close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..

I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..

After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor

He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people.

He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch ...

Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost for a lifetime

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I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

What happens of life gives you melons?

You're dyslexic

One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

Then I realized my whole life was a joke.

Life is like a box of chocolates

It doesn’t last long for fat people.

If you ever feel useless in your life..

Remember there is a guy at BMW factory, installing blinker lights.

My wife just accused me of having never achieved anything in life because of my addiction to board games.

I think she must have forgotten that time I won second prize in a beauty contest. . .

For the first time in my life I finished a bar of soap

It was alright, but probably not worth the calories

Yea man, I just feel that I've been trampled on and walked over my entire life.

Anyway, my name's Mat. What's yours?

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My sex life is like the Sahara desert.

Just two palms, no dates.

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My 8th birthday party was just like my sex life

Nobody came.

A lawyer, a priest and a schoolboy were sitting side by side on a plane.

Suddenly, they watched as one by one, the engines stopped working as the ash from the volcano they flew over clogged them.

The pilot announced sadly, “There’s not a damn thing we can do. We’re going to crash. Thank you for flying with us.”

While everyone was panicking, the three went t...

Every cigarette you smoke takes 7 minutes of your life.

And gives it to Keith Richards. Do your part to keep him immortal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[nsfw] [controversial] Describe your sex life only using SpongeBob Quotes

"Are you ready kids"

Life Pro Tip

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

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Describe your sex life using a movie title

Mine would be home alone

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Have you heard about the man who had to press the "D" button on a keyboard his whole life?

It's a d-pressing story.

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Life is like a penis,

it’s the women that make it hard

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Penis lives a hard life

Penis lives a hard life

he is always being called a dick

he lives next to an asshole

His best friend is a pussy

his hair is a mess

and he is always getting beaten by his owner

I was playing video games last night while my son was sitting next to me watching. He said, "dad I wish real life was more like video games."

So I locked him in his room and told him if he wants access to the rest of the house he will have to pay .99 for the DLC.

An old man was explaining to his grandson about major things that happened in his life.

“Now most people associate salsa as a Mexican condiment”, he said. “But actually we loved mayonnaise”. “Wow!”, said the boy. “Most people don’t know that in 1912 after docking in New York, the titanic’s next stop was the eastern shores of Mexico. And below the deck was 15 tons of mayo. As we all kno...

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Today just shocked my whole life

First i find out im adopted, then I found out that both of my dads are gay.

Why is the frog’s love life struggling?

He‘s afraid of kermittment.

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My doctor asked me how my sex life is with Erectile Dysfunction

I replied, “Ever try playing pool with a rope?”

There was once a guy who's life was really dull, nothing happened to him...

...one day he was hit by a truck and in his last seconds of life he saw all of the most important moments of his life in a flash, and fell asleep out of boredom.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is telling a bartender about the craziest day of his life.

“It was unreal,” the man recalls. “I’m on this horse that’s galloping at top speed. On the right side of me is this elephant going as fast as the horse. Right in front of us is another horse going just fast enough so we don’t hit him, and about ten feet behind us is a lion giving chase. He could cat...

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

John came fifth and won a blender

Vin Diesel lives his life 1/4 Mile at a time, I live mine 1/4 Tank at a time.

Help me I’m barely making ends meet here.

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Man’s wife is on life support and the only way to bring her back to normal is oral sex.

A man’s standing by his wife on life support as the doctor walks into the room.

“Sir, the only way you can get your wife back to normal is oral sex”

“Are you sure about that? That seems odd doesn’t it?”

“I’m afraid we looked at all the options and it’s the only way”

“For...

Mid-life Crisis

A man in his 40's bought a new Tesla Model S and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to rev her up.

As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no...

Three Nuns

One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a semi rammed into them head on killing them instantly. They were coming to the gates of heaven and noticed a sign that said "Closed for Remodeling".
One nun knocked on the gates and out came St. Peter. H...

My Girlfriend told me that I'm her anchor in her life.

I pull her down.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?"

The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gott...

A 700kg man has wasted his whole life untying knots

He is the world's biggest looser

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So, the 2nd rule about posting on Reddit is to 'behave like you would in real life'.

Funny; I've never before been *asked* to behave like a total asshole.

A long life

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”

What movie was based on the life of Othkar Thindler?

Schindler's Lisp

PSA: For whatever, unforeseen events that find you are about to be attacked by a mob of clowns. This one important tip can and might possibly save your life.

Always go for the Juggler

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Life is like a cocktail...

It's complex, it will fuck you right up, and it doesn't last nearly long enough.

I'm not sure how long my life as a calendar will last...

...but I know my days are numbered.

What did the vowel say when another vowel saved its life?

Eh E! I owe you!

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse code

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

Life and phone batteries are very similar

When their running low, it’s time to plug them into something or they’ll die.

Life is like crossing the streets,

you never know what’s gonna hit ya.

Was reminded my life was a joke when I asked a girl on a date and she said, “You remind me too much of the weekends....”

”Way too short and forgettable.”

Why was 42 the answer to life, the universe, and everything?

Because it's the most fortuitous number.

In my previous life, night time would never help me have erection

But morning wood

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Life lesson

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

Reddit is just like real life.

I tried to view r/dadjokes, but Reddit said it was temporarily unvailable because it went out for a pack of cigarettes.

I'm sure it'll be back soon, right?

Life of a young woman married to a wealthy old man is not hard.

It's mostly flaccid.

The only thing between a man and true, life long happiness...

are 2 vertebrae.

Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance?

Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."

When life gives you lemons...

...take advantage of lemon law.

I'm from Northern Ireland, and my life is LEGEN ... wait for it ...

DARY/LONDONDARY.

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My life is like porn

Overall bad lighting and all the people in it are fake

How does a Dolphin live its life?

With Porpoise

Life at a snail’s pace

One day Ronald answered a knick at his door. He opened to find a snail. Disgusted, he flicked it off the stoop.
Three weeks later, there’s another knock at his door.
He opens to find the same snail.
“What’d you do that for??!!” the snail yells.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The year is 2100. Earth has been ravaged by a variety of natural and man-made disasters. All the flatlands are now seabeds after the ice caps have melted. Most of the planet's land is barren wasteland. Barely any oxygen is produced, and most animal life has died out.

All you can hear is cockroaches and The Rolling Stones 2100 Tour.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is the difference between a vacuum cleaner and my life?

The vacuum cleaner stops sucking when I press the button.

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A bugs life

A mother and son were driving her n the highway. As they were driving a dildo hit the windshield of the car. Her son asked her, “what was that mommy?”

Not wanting to explain what a dildo was to her son replied, “It was just a bug, honey.”

The boy replied, “What kind of bug was it?”
...

[OC] Life is like a game of Tetris...

When you fit in, you disappear

Why did the man work in a barn for his whole life?

Because it was a stable career.

When Thanos snapped half of all life out of existence

I noticed, that no plants nor animals vanished.
Guess what he really meant was: Intelligent life.

I'm so glad my family is save.

My life in 6 words

"I can't count."

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College professor is experiencing a “slow-down” in his sex-life with his wife...

... so he is trying to figure out how to spice it up. He is hearing that there is a foreign student who has a lot of luck with girls on the campus so he decides to ask him for advice.

“Paolo, how are you doing it?”
“Well professor, right before I am about to do it with a girl, I whip my j...

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Stereotypes in real life

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered,...

You can go your whole life without eating

I mean, you would die of starvation, but you technically would’ve gone your whole life without eating.

A banana was insulting lemon saying it has a miserable life because it gets cut, squeezed and then tossed away.

Lemon was furious and said it’d die by a sword with dignity than to face a humiliation of being stripped naked.

A 13 boy year old spent the previous 10 years of his life living with wolves

He is found, and released back into the human world. He sees wonders he never saw before. He is asking about how cars work, how you're not supposed to eat raw meat, how radio works, the constellations, until one day, he walks in on the couple designated to reintroduce him to human society getting bu...

People have called me weird my whole life for how into women's feet I am.

I just tell them to blame my parents. When I was growing up, all I ever heard was how important a woman's sole was.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my girlfriend our sex life was like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole

Like, why did she even buy a square strap on?

A guy wins the lottery. So he decides to live his life like rich people. What does rich people do ? They play golf, so he goes to a country club to play golf.

He didn’t know anything about golf. Didn’t bring a caddie . After an hour of struggling/playing, he gets lost. Didn’t see anyone until finally he sees a girl and asks her..
“ Sorry, to bother you, but I dont know where I am, could you tell me ?”.... “Sure, you are in the 5th hole, Im in the 6t...

I want to see and feel Spain once in my life.

But life always takes the 'S' away from it.

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life.

I’m not buying it.

A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

​

Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”

​

“Really?” he said. “Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

Starting tomorrow: Whatever life throws at me...

I’m going to duck so it hits someone else!

All my life I thought air was free

Until I bought a bag of chips.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Life is like oral sex

one slip of the tongue and your in the shit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's does Jesus and my sex life have in common?

Both require 3 days for a resurrection.

I'm a jew, and if Hitler came back to life

I'd be flabbergassed

I don't know why most people think a dogs life is so easy.

Everytime I come home from work I ask my dog how his day went and he always says rough.

Some say that Jesus was a virgin for his whole life...

Others say he got nailed right before he died.

Valve shows the public a new game, Half-Life 3.

A fan of the series sees Gabe Newell, Valve's co-founder, and walks up to him.
"Hey, Mr. Newell, how did you do it? You actually made another Half-Life game!" the fan says.
"Well 15 percent was creating it, and 5 percent was thinking up the story." Gabe replies.

Confused, the fan as...

My life before age 8 was a blur.

That's when I went to the eye doctor. Things cleared up after that.

There are two rules for success in life:

1. Don't tell them everything you know.

I broke up with my girlfriend today. She’s been living a double life...

Hers and mine.

I live in knowledge that no matter what I do, there is someone who will always remember me and follow me through my entire life.

The taxman.

If you think your life is bad...

Imagine being a chicken egg.

You only get laid once, you only get smashed once, and the only bird that will ever sit on your face, is your mum.

My wife must have had a busy life before we met

She says I'm her sixty second lover.