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My sex life is like COVID-19.

I don't have COVID-19.

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Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling dow...

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in he...

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Every since I bought a Tesla and they made weed legal, life hasn’t been the same

Now I have to tell hitchhikers that ass is the only acceptable form of payment.

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Due to the sad state of my sex life, I have decided to convert to Islam.

My new name is Seldom Bin Laid.

What's the difference between a pen and life

Pen has a point.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into th...

A tough old rancher once told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 97. When he died, he left behind 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

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A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

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What is common with my life and my dick

They both get extremely hard when I dont expect it

Also it's much shorter than I like and is pointless

Everyone else seems better than mine and

no one is interested in mine either

Life is like chess;

You can never find a mate.

Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds...

Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk

What happens when life gives you melons?

You're dyslexic.

2 tips for a happily married life....

Keep quiet when your wife is talking.

Don't talk when your wife is quiet.

The Mars rover has detected the first signs of life on Mars.

It seems that it has received signals from 'Hot MILFs in it's area'

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

My friend asked me if you absolutely had to get stabbed somewhere to save someone's life, where would it be?

I answered, "in the hospital probably"

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Life is a fart joke

It'll pass.

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6 Life Lessons

6 life lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, ...

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A dick has a sad life.

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.



LOL.

Apparently there are two rules to win in life...

1. Never be poor.
2. Never be ugly.

Well, the joke's on me.

Life is just like a box of chocolates

It doesn’t last very long for fat people

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My sex life is like an explosion

I watch them online, but never take part

Statisticians give low paid workers an expected life of 68.7 years

That's mean

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Toast to your good life

Paddy O'Brien was at the pub and hoisted his beer saying, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life inbetween the legs of me wife!”

Everyone cheered and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he says to his wife, “Mary, I won the prize for t...

When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, many things in my life changed.

Such as my address, name, phone number, etc.

Life...

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there w...

Mom: Are you pro-life or pro-abortion?

Me: Mom im Pro-stitute.

I was a turtle in my past life...

It's slowly coming back to me.

At the Irish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled, "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.

The bartender was almost crushed.

This has been the craziest day of my life.

First, I find a hat full of cash. Then, I’m chased by an angry man with a guitar

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth - and won a toaster.

I just heard an announcement on a loud speaker outside my home saying, "If you invest $50 just once, you can sit and eat for the rest of your life".

I went out and saw the idiot; he was selling chairs

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Life Without E-Mail

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address...

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I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

Life advice

If at first you don't succeed, maybe sky diving isn't for you.

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

In my past life, I was a warrior for an Indian Tribe, and was madly in love with the chiefs daughter

In this tribe we were named after the first thing our mothers saw when we were born. And His daughter, Lily Petal, was absolutely beautiful, and everyday I sighed knowing there was nothing I could do to ever win her attention. I was just boring old Falling Rock, a nobody warrior.

But one day,...

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At some point in life being good in bed means..

You dont snore, you dont steal the covers and you let your partner sleep in.

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank-robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns ...

They say lightning never strikes the same place twice, and I believed that all my life. So when I got struck by lightning for the 2nd time on the hill,

I was shocked

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The Golfing Nun - and why life is never perfect.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to...

Wanna know what's more useless than your life?

Reddit Green dot update.

The saddest activity in my life is crushing my Coke cans.

Its soda pressing.



(tch tch, that was lame)

My life used to centre on math, additions and subtractions until I found a quote that expanded my worldview

"The man who views the world at 50 the same as he did at 20 has wasted 20 years of his life."

A South Korean asks a North Korean “How’s life?”

The North Korean responds “Well, I can’t complain.”

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

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Life is like a guy with premature ejaculation

A lot of anxiety, frustration and disappointment for small moments of happiness

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How is life like toilet paper?

You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of his life, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which caused him to be rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a:

Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

In the buffet of life, friends are like dessert

You eat them last and they taste the best

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i was just reading the obituary of a carmelite nun who turned away from a life of prostitution after seeing a vision of the virgin mary.

she went out with a wimple and not a bang.

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

My life ambition is to have a lot of karma on Reddit.

Unfortunately, it is a hard job. I tried doing it alone first, leaving insightful comments and making quirky posts - but I had no luck. So I decided to ask for advice.

First, I went to a wise guru who had a thousand karma. And I asked him, "Oh wise guru, how do you have so much karma?"
...

Dating life

If my relationship doesn't work out I want to be a suicide hotline doctor... I need a nice way to meet chicks with no strings attached.

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Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<...

A moderator of this sub is my neighbor in real life, and is demanding that my fence be removed

...just because I re-posted it.

Life's Philosophy

The great man told his followers, 'There are 2 things in life that matters above all else - Integrity, if you'd made a promise, you carry it out, even if it bankrupts you, cripples you or kills you. The other thing is common sense, like not making that promise'.

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

I needed some change in my life

So I decided to start a coin collection. I know it seems odd but it makes cents to me.

I asked my girlfriend to suck the life out of me and leave me dry...

She replied, "YES, I'll definitely marry you."

When you wake up and think life sucks.

But at least my name is not North Kardashian West

When you think about it, a blood cell’s life is truly futile...

After all, its whole life is lived in vein.

Ok - I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, ‟Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”The dog said, ‟That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I will give you back the other ...

If life gets you down, remember: you’re a special and unique snowflake.

Just like everyone else.

If life gives you lemons...

Apply it on your hair, it's good for preventing dandruff.

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A man and his wife have a very fulfilling sexual life. [NSFW]

The man and his wife have sex almost every night before they go to bed, but the man has one rule: the lights must always be out. It's been like this ever since they first got married.

One night, in the middle of the act, the wife turns on the light, and finds that the man was actually using ...

A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.

It was his life savings.

What does a programmer/coder do when he's tired of life?

He writes byebyeworld.c

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I met this prostitute in Moscow. I was apprehensive about having sex with her, so I told her my likes, dislikes, my goals, dreams and my life story

I guess you could say I wasn’t Russian, but was really Stalin to Putin

Wanda lost sight of her life after the events of Infinity War

Thankfully, she fully recovered her vision.

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The other day I was so frustrated I yelled out, “Fuck my life.”

It had really been a rough week of work and everything else. Anyways fast forward to today and I come back home from work to catch my neighbor sleeping with *my* wife in *my* bedroom, and had the audacity to smile at me and wink and give me a thumbs up.

When the neighbor noticed that I was a...

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A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, my sex life is not very good, I can’t perform very well in bed.”

The doctor says, “You don’t look very fit, are you getting any exercise?” The man replied that he wasn’t exercising at all, so the doctor said, “I want you to walk 5 miles a day, then call me in a week and tell me if things have improved.” The man calls the doctor a week later and the doctor says, “...

A bloke was sentenced to life imprisonment for murder and the judge also ordered him to have his hearing destroyed.

I thought it was a bit harsh to be honest, life imprisonment and the deaf penalty

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

In terms of money, I'm set for life!

Provided I die next Friday

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


&nbsp;

&nbsp;

&nbsp;


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

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Cancer!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

Well, life sure has its ups and downs...

...and downs and downs and downs and downs and downs and downs and downs and downs and downs.

Life is like a vacuum cleaner.

It sucks

The priest said that my father would not get into heaven because greed had consumed his life.

But it's okay, he told me that if I donated my entire inheritance that he could probably work something out.

I always take life with a grain of salt...

Plus, a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.

My whole life I've been wondering: "what is an own?"

And why am I on it?

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With our love life no longer feeling passionate, I asked my wife to go camping

It helped. The sex was in tents.

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I got a female dog, so I named her "Life"

Because Life's a bitch

Karen life hack

Karen:Where's your boss
Worker:ma'am this is a church
My first joke

Outside the pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching into a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: “What’s the matter with that guy? Wasn’t he in here earlier?”

Assistant replies: “Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.”

Pharmacist says: “He seems to be fine now.”

Assistant repl...

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What does a man do when he stays virgin for his whole life?

Invents calculus and fucks all the coming generations.

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Death visits Earth one day to claim the life of John the lawyer

Death visits Earth one day to claim the life of John the lawyer. When He enters John's office, John figures out what's going on and starts laughing hysterically. "What's up with the scythe? You look like an out-of-work farmer", he says. Red with embarrassment, Death storms out.

The next day,...

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An elderly couple gets married late in life.

After the wedding and the reception, they are in the ‘Honeymoon Suite’ getting ready for bed.

As they are taking their clothes off, the old woman says to her new husband, “Before we get started here, I just want you to know that I have acute angina.”

The old man says, “Well that’s go...

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Life is like a shit sandwich......

the more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.

A man walks into a store and buys a life time supply of condoms.

Only he doesn't know it.

The keys to success in life:

1. Don't tell everything to everybody.
2. If you are expecting any more, please refer to 1.

My parents had me late in life so I never met any of my grandparents. No body was suprised about this

It was a four gone conclusion

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Ok r/askreddit if you had to give up video games or blow jobs for the rest of your life what would you choose?

Edit: Yea guys I'd pick blow jobs too, they hurt my jaw

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week

I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

People say that you'll find the love of your life when you aren't looking

Which is true, except by that point i had already run her over!!

A vowel saves another vowel’s life.

The other vowel thanks him, saying, “Aye E! I owe you!”

My friend had a long life dream of studying carbonation in soda. After many years of schooling, he accomplished his dream...

...he became a licensed Fizzyologist.

Give a man a shirt, and he'll wear it once

Tell a man he looks good in it, and he'll wear it for a lifetime

When life gives you...

...High Fructose Corn Syrup, Citric Acid, Ascorbic Acid, Maltodextrin, Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate, Magnesium Oxide, Calcium Furmarate, Yellow #5, Tocopherol and less than 2% natural flavors...

...Make lemonade.

Life is short, so tell someone that you love them.

But shout it at them in German, because life is also scary and confusing.

I believe there is a point in life after which the suffering becomes unbearable and euthanasia is the only humane option.

That point is birth.

4 stages of life

You believe in Santa.
You don’t believe in Santa.
You are Santa.
You look like Santa.

I unplugged my grandma's life support

The moment was really breathtaking.

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I was once promised one hundred virgins in afterlife if I lived my life correctly and humbly.

But it won’t be much fun, I don’t even speak Klingon. :(

"Make this one investment and you can get almost anything for free for the rest of your life!"

To be honest, I'm glad I made the investment. My gun dealer wasn't lying when he said that!

Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you.

Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

Bob passes on to the next life and is starting to get bored on his own when good ol Patrick shows up at his grave

After a long introduction Patrick is about to leave "Bob, it's nice to have you join in. I am in the grave next to yours if you need anything"

"Well there actually is something" says Bob "I don't know what I will do now that I am dead"

Patrick: "What did you do in your previous life to...

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Most of life’s questions can be answered with “Depends”

Specifically for whoever smeared shit inside the capitol

Did you hear about the sad light bulb who turned his life around?

He made a 180, and suddenly everything seemed a lot brighter.

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car. The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The...

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Life is a lot like a penis... simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely...

Then a woman makes it hard.

My Tounge during a dentist appointment is a lot like my life: I have no clue what to do with it

Original Joke

In 1999, in the midst of the Y2K panic, the KY Jelly company announced it was now Y2K compliant:

Known as 'Y2KY Jelly, it now allowed you to put all four digits in your date

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A man asks his doctor: "Do you think I'll live to be a hundred?"

The doctor asks the man "Well, that depends. Do you drink?"

"Oh, no sir! I abstain from all alcohol. Soda, too. I just drink plenty of fresh water."

"Do you smoke?"

"No, sir! Never smoked in my life, and I stay away from any place with second hand smoke."

"Do you eat a lo...

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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

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