My friend Dave drowned yesterday, we placed a life jacket on his coffin

It's what he would have wanted...

If life gives you melons...

You have dyslexia.

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in chu...

My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life,

and I don’t try to run mine.

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Happy Mother's Day!

A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.

The boy replies, “I’m an orphan, your honor.”

The 3 unwritten rules of life

1.

2.

3.

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

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The Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give yo...

A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.

She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?"

"Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you...

I saw a guy wearing a T-shirt with the tag "Life = God + Righteousness"

I hope he understands that it also means; "God = Life - Righteousness" and "Righteousness = Life - God".

Life is like a box of chocolates

It really sucks if you have diabetes ;)

Irony of life!

The doctor hopes you fall ill.

The police hopes you become a criminal.

The lawyer hopes you get into trouble.

The priest wants you to get married.

The coffin maker wants you dead.

Only a thief wishes you prosperity in life!

The Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life."

But alas John came fifth, so he won the toaster.

I'm really worried about my parrot. He keeps saying, "I can't go on, I hate my life".

my wife is too selfish to notice. She's always crying.

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

My 14-year-old daughter has finally met her online boyfriend in real life.

Must be true love, haven't seen her for weeks.

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Rough life

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are in a heated debate over who's life is more difficult.

The cucumber says "man, I've got it rough...when I get big, fat and juicy, they rip me off the vine, slice me up, put me in a salad and eat me!"

The pickle laughs and says "that's nothing. When I...

My wife is amazing

She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!

An atheist and vegan and pro-life walk to a bar

I know cause they told everyone In 5 sec

Took me a month but I finally got to pull off this joke in real life

*Me and my friend had just finished watching a ton of conspiracy theory videos.*

Friend: It's crazy if some of that stuff is true. But the government is just hiding it from us.

Me: Yeah like monsters and aliens and stuff.

Friend: Yeah! And not to mention all the cool technology ...

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied. Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointing to her privates, "You must put it in he...

When life gives you lemons

Freeze them and throw them as hard as you can at the people making your life difficult

Today my life got turned upside down...

ǝɟᴉl ʎɯ

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My therapist said I should identify the people in my life that have hurt me, write letters to them explaining what they did and then burn them.

I feel so much better but I don't know what to do with all these letters.

Communist president is fed up with his life and wants to die as a hero

He has a long speech at the next 1st May celebration in front of a huge crowd of people who all have to cheer and applaud every few seconds "Long live the president! Workers of the world unite!". He's getting really fed up and decides that best death for him will be to be torn to pieces by a wild cr...

The day I was born was the most embarrassing day of my life.

A room full of strangers saw me naked and I didn’t talk for a year because of it..

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

Dying, the man's life flashed before his eyes. But he smiled.

He'd forgotten all about that meme.

I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life...

Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

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Rick is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Carl.

...after taking some time to size Carl up and decide that he can trust him, Rick tells Carl about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Rick says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into its co...

What do you call a YouTuber who's really satisfied with life?

A content creator

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Life is like toilet paper...

You're either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

My wife complained that my life revolves around Facebook and it has destroyed the way we communicate.

So I've blocked her.

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All his life, Timmy wanted to be a train conductor.

He graduated top of his class in train school, and was hired by the most prestigious train company to conduct their new Super Train. This train could carry 1,000 passengers and was very expensive to manufacture.

Yet little Timmy had one fatal flaw. He has a very short attention span.

...

Weightlifting really changed my life, i dropped 50 pounds

Straight on my foot, can barely walk now

Someone’s lived a good life and wants to be cremated.

Why not fulfill their wishes, they urned it

Life is like a game of chess

I don’t know how to play chess.

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I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch ...

No one ever said life is fair

Except that Russian guy who works at the fair.

A man once said "you should live life on the edge"

Then he fell off his bed

Life without geometry

would be pointless.

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A man and woman statue magically cone to life...

In the park there is a statue of a man and woman, both nude. One day they are granted the ability to come to life, but for only 15 minutes.

They both look at each other and smile then run behind the bushes.

Almost immediately there is giggling and the bush is shaking like crazy.
...

I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.

Little to no goals.

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

In life when you start to Excel

People start to spreadsheet.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors.

Timmy loved tractors. His life was all about tractors. Tractor bedspread, tractor themed birthday parties, tractor t-shirts, school bags, lunchbox, everything Timmy owned was tractor themed in some way. He knew everything there was to know about tractors; big, small, new, old, he knew it all. When h...

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I (31m) just had the most uncomfortable experience of my life

I've always kinda wanted an iPhone but never had one before, so I go to the Apple Store to have a look. So there I am, when this middle aged guy comes up next to me, like really close. And then he starts asking me if I like the new iPhone, what do I think about the camera, am I thinking of getting o...

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

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A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew are stuck on a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

The Catholic and the Protestant pray for help, while the Jew relaxes in the corner of the raft, clipping his fingernails.

After they pray, the Catholic says to the Jew, "How come you're not praying? Don't you want God to help us?"

The Jew says, "20 years ago I opened up a clothing stor...

I asked my North Korean friend if life was good in North Korea.

He said: “I can’t complain.”

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God and Jesus were hashing out the final details of his life on earth.

"The only thing remaining is to decide upon your mode of death," said God. "Which do you prefer, crucifixion or killer bees?"

Jesus thought about it for a few minutes and said, "I think I will go with crucifixion."

And that's why Catholics around the world make the sign of the cross in...

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A plane emergency landed in the water, no one is willing to go on the life boat

The flight attendant then asks the captain what to do. The captain replied,

Tell the Americans that it is an "adventure"

Tell the English that it is a "honour"

Tell the French that it is "romantic"

Tell the German that it is "law"

Tell the Japanese that it is an "o...

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Life is getting pretty dull, so I've decided to eat nothing but Swiss cheese

I just need more 'holy shit' in my life

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Karma-whoring is to karma, as talking about your sex life is to sex

If you do it, you probably don't have it

When my mom remarried, life got better, but the Dad Jokes got even worse...

He always takes puns one step father.

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I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

Sometimes I wonder if I could kill someone, like do I have it in me to take a human life.. And then I remember...

Oh yeah, Debbie.

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One day a Redditor decided to turn his life around...

The Redditor decided to buy a cookbook that came with the ingredients for a cake. He preheated the oven. He added in the butter and sugar; things were going well. The Redditor read out the instructions: ‘Add vanilla and eggs’. He added in the vanilla and cracked open an egg... nothing came out. He g...

I've been a nun all my life, but recently I quit and began attending so many orgies that I can't even remember who's been there.

I just don't know what's gotten into me lately.

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My wife walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension.

She said she just can't take it any longer.

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A grandma decides to end her long prosperous life early by jumping from a bridge

A man approaches while she readies herself to jump.

The man asks: "Excuse me, if you commit suicide, could we have Sex now? I mean you will die soon anyways".

The grandma is shocked and says: "Hell no. What do you think who I am you pervert?"

The starts walking away and tells th...

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Therapist: And what do we say when life disappoints us?

Me: Called it!

Therapist: Umm... No.

If you ever feel like your life is useless, just remember

that it's someone's job to install blinkers into BMW's

If they ever put me on life support, please pull the plug.

Then push it back in and see if that works.

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Over the course of my life my sexual fantasies have been getting more and more perverse.

But it wasn't till I spanked a statue that I realized I had hit rock bottom.

Two years ago I asked the love of my life out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.

She said "no" both times.

My life in 9 words

I can't count

What do you call a dolphin with a newfound outlook on life?

Reporpoised

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My mom told me that her and her boyfriends sex life wasn't that good...

Guess hes a bad mother fucker

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A lizard went to the doctor complaining about his sex life

After hearing his story, the doctor told him,

You’ve got a reptile dysfunction

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

Tell a man a joke he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost for a lifetime

According to recent scientific studies it's possible that all marine life will be extinct by the year 2050.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

My first marriage was a life-changing event.

My second marriage was simply wife-changing.

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A man had the worst day of his life, so he decided to go to the new bar...

the bar was located on the roof of one of the tallest buildings in the city, the man sat down, and told the bartender all his problems, how he had lost his job, his wife cheated on him, everything. He drank for hours, almost until it was closing time.

There was another man who had been listen...

If you only see one thing in your life it needs to be the Grand Canyon.

It's gorges.

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Life

Did you hear the news about a dead woman’s body being found in the park yesterday?

She was discovered drowned in a bathtub full of milk with a banana up her butt.

Police said this is the work of a cereal killer.

After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor

He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people.

He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave h...

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Did you know that Hitler never said sorry to anybody in his entire life?

He didn't speak English.

The final episode of Game of Thrones should end in a huge musical number where everyone comes back to life for some reason and nothing is explained and no real ending is given.

That'll cause riots.

Why didn't the life guard save the drowning hippie?

because he was too far out man!

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I tell my wife I'm close to 60,000 Karma on my Reddit, and she says the only Karma I need in my life is her..

I reminded her Karma's a Bitch..

During my life, I've seen quite a lot of ducks.

Most of them at Chinese restaurants.

What's the longest sentence in English?

Life imprisonment.

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A man had no love life so he went to see a Chinese sex doctor...

The doctor was named Doctor Chang and was an expert is changing people’s sex life. He said to the man,

“Take off alr of your crose,” the man did and looked to the doctor to see what was next

“Now crawr rearry fast to the end of the room.” Which the man did so Dr. Chang said,
“Now c...

Two men discussing life's ironies.

'So you're telling me, I sacrificed everything so that my son could become a doctor and now he tells me that I have to quit smoking'

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Ethyl has lived in a nursing home most of her life and gets around in a wheelchair.

She is a demon in that wheelchair, charging around as fast as she can in corridors and taking corners on one wheel. Because she is a sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerate her and some will join in the fun.

One day Ethyl was speeding down the corridor when a door opened and ...

Life is like a loaf of bread

Because life is pain

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Black jack is a lot like my sex life

I only hit on under 16

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My mate went to Holland and bought me back a life size blow up dolly that gives blow jobs. I thought that's nice.

Two Lips from Amsterdam.

What did the child say when an abacus saved his life?

I knew I could count on you.

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Everyone always says masturbation would never help me in life

But for me it really comes in handy

Suicide costs more than just your life...

It also costs about 6.99 for the rope at your local hardware store. #Supportlocalbusinesses

Me: Hey girl, want to have the greatest night of your life?

Her: Yes!

Me: Oh... well, never mind then.

My friend made it his life’s mission to fight poverty.

He wrestles homeless guys every weekend.

Anyone wanna hear a joke?

My Life...

What are the best 10 years of a blonde's life?

Third grade.

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My 8th birthday party was just like my sex life

Nobody came.

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What do pro-life activists call a chronic masturbator?

Jack-off the Ripper.

I can't get into details right now, but earlier this week I received the single, greatest phone call of my life. Then just 5 minutes later, I got another call telling me that my dad is in the hospital...

I said, "Yeah, I just heard"

How many popes will you see in your life?

Probably nun

A desperate young man is searching for the love of his life online

He learns about a dating website where he can fill in his preferences. So he navigates to the website and starts to type:

1. The love of my life should be not to tall.
2. She should enjoy company and walking around in a group.
3. In addition she should love swimming and not talk too mu...

Doctor: Take these pills every day for the rest of your life.

Me: *confused* but there are only three pills!
Doctor: Exactly

Everyone said life would be different after my vasectomy

But there hasn't been a vas deferens

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My sex life is like the Sahara desert.

Just two palms, no dates.

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Life is a lot like a penis, simple, soft, relaxed and hanging freely

until a woman makes it hard

I’m really torn between the pro life and pro choice debate

On one hand, I love killing babies. On the other hand, I don’t really want women to have choices

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