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I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.

Zero fucks were given.

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My sewing instructor thinks that I’m the worst student she has ever seen in her life.

Shit, wrong thread.

The secret of long life

A young man met a cowboy who was 104, still active and in good health. He asked the old-timer what the secret was to his longevity.


The old man said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal every morning see. If you do, you'll live to a nice, ripe old age."


So ...

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

There are only two rules you need to follow to become extremely succesful in life.

1. Not revealing everything you know.

What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?

Alien versus Redditor.

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There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits pat...

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Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.

Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show yo...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

Just a regular day in the Pope's life

This beautiful morning, the Pope woke early, excited for today's ceremony. It was a special day, and the Vatican will probably be even more crowded than usual. Standing there on the balcony and speaking to such a great audience is the purest joy of the Pope, second only to his closeness to God.
<...

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A woman had three daughters getting married the same day. Naturally she was worried about their sex life. It was agreed that they would send a discrete message.

Two weeks after the triple wedding the first message arrives. An ad for Maxwell House with the slogan "Good till the last drop." She's happy for her girl.

A month passes and a second message arrives with a Marlboro ad. "Marlboro: Extra long, extra strong." She's a little embarrassed, but happ...

My uncle always said , "Do something you love, and you'll never work a day in your life."

He did heroin.

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

There are four stages of life and they all involve Santa

1. You believe in Santa.
2. You don't believe in Santa.
3. You are Santa.
4. You look like Santa.

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When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex:

"Tarzan not know sex!" He replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said. "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree!"

Horrified, she said. "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly!"

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground....

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Seven Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

When I was 6 I found out I had a life threathening disease. I had to cover myself in urine once a day to stay alive

I am just lucky my brother told me about it

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I want to live my next life backwards

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

Y...

My fortune teller is such a fraud, said my dad would live a long life but he died at 51

I wish my dad could live longer like our chef who completed 73 years yesterday.

Life is a lot like a helicopter.

I have no clue how to operate it.

I never thought I’d reach a point in my life where

my hands have consumed more alcohol than my mouth.

After 37 years I’m finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I’ve accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...

...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

If you ever feel worthless in your life,

Remember that it is someone’s job to install turn signals on BMWs.

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A man and his wife were searching through all sorts of porn for ideas to enhance their sex life.

After some searching they came across some pegging videos and it aroused them enough to go online and order some new toys to play with. The next night they break out the tools of the trade and start playing around. After some time getting ready and prepping with plugs and fingers, he says he’s ready...

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The greatest day of my life was

When I found my dad's porn in the back of the attic.

The worst day of my life was when I found my mom's porn in the back of that video rental store.

I wasted my life

I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".

When life gives you melons...

You are dyslexic

I tried looking at life through the eyes of a child ...

... but then the child wanted his eyes back.

Boy: Would you like to be the sun of my life? Girl: Awwww yes!!!

Boy: Good then stay 92,935,700 miles away from me.

Once a monk told me the best way to receive from life

but i dont remember it clearly, it had something to do with a cake and karma

When life gets you down, remember the immortal words of Monty Python.

NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!

How much is Trump's life insurance payout?

One pence

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Your sex life really doesn't change as you get older.

When you're in your 20s, it's tri-weekly.

When you're in your 40s, it's try weekly.

When you're in your 60s, it's try weakly.

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If Viagra improves your sex life then which food stops it?

Wedding cake

My kids are the sunshine of my life

Over-exposition invariably leads to a burn out

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A penis has sad life.

His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his best friend is a pissy and his owner beats him.

And the lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."...

Whats the difference between arguing with a Politician online versus in real life?

He lets you finish your sentences

My girlfriend told me she enjoys the little things in life

That’s a relief

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Three men, aged 40, 60 and 80, discuss their sex lives

The 40-year old says: "When my wife and I were just married, we'd do it every single day. Any position you could imagine. But now I'm lucky if we can average once a week".

The 60-year old man responds: "Once a week? Just wait till you get to my age. Once a month is what I consider an active s...

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife

Happy Mother’s Day!

After the exodus through the Red Sea, Moses's staff could no longer perform miracles, and yet he kept it beside him the rest of his life...

...he just couldn't part with it.

All my life I thought air was free...

and then I bought a bag of chips

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How is it to have a life like toilet paper?

You’re either on a roll or taking shit from someone.

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Life is like a dick

Some times its up, sometimes its down, but it wont be hard forever.

Too bad life is short.

My math teacher told me I would be stuck working at McDonalds for the rest of my life

Jokes on her, I'm lovin' it

I was a Buddhist in my past life but now I’ve decide to be atheist.

I didn’t want to do this _again_

What is the English word for when a person takes his own life?

Suicide?

No that is incorrect.

How can that be wrong?

Remember, suicide is never the answer.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim. After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

“You see," Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components.”

Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.

Carl continues, "For the last five years, I've been swallowing piec...

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If being handsome was a crime I'd get a life sentence.

Mainly because of the bodies in my basement, but that's neither here nor there.

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

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[NSFW] Life is like a penis

Women make it hard

To spice things up in life,

I ate a bunch of chilli peppers.

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It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

How do you politely cut a friend out of your life?

Asking for a friend.

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Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?

During his routine medical check, the long suffering patient asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"

"I doubt it", said doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."

The patient said, " I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

“Neither do I", re...

A politician who did absolutely nothing good or bad in his life died...

God and Satan are discussing what to do with him.
God says "He's done nothing great in his life, so he cant possibly go to heaven."
Satan responds "Well, he did nothing to deserve eternal damnnation either."
So they let the man spend one day in each heaven and hell to decide where he wanted...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, let me give you the tour so you can see for yourself"

He then proceeds to escort Ja...

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Guy goes to the doctor and says his sex life is horrible. All the spontaneity is gone.

The doctor says, "Go home, ring the bell, and when your wife answers, tear her clothes off and fuck the shit out of her."

So, the guy does it and comes back to tell the doctor. The doctor asks, "How'd it go?"

"My wife was okay with it I guess, but her bridge club -- they went wild."

What happens when life gives you pickles instead of lemons?

You dill with it.

My friend thinks he was a god in his previous life

I don't think he was being Sirius !

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My wife and I had the best sex of our life while camping last week

It was fucking in tents

Student: For the life of my I cannot remember what the 21st letter of the alphabet is.

Teacher: That sounds like a you problem

I just took my life into my own hands.

I'm really enjoying my autobiography.

Just saw a guy wearing T-Shirt that reads "Truth + God = Life"

Thank god I'm good at math, Truth = Life - God

Life is ..

Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life.

Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!

Dave: I’m making a documentary about my life.

Dave: And, I think you should play the role of my father.

Friend: I don’t want to be your father.

Dave: Perfect, you already know your lines.

When life gives you lemon, make lemonade...

Life gave me lemon and aid, it didn't really help...

I once knew a guy whos life's motto was love thy neighbour.

He lives next to a brothel

For the life of me, I cannot find a trumpet for my castrated friend! I guess they really are...

Eunuch horns

I was considering getting a pyramid tattoo of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, to remind me of what I need in life.

But do I need to?

I was watching a fighting scene and I told my dad “I couldn’t jump that high if my life depended on it!”

And my dad replied “but what if a bowl of ice cream depended on it?”

One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Di...

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I have OCD which severely affects my sex life.

Every time a girl gets turned on, I turn them off again.

My next door neighbour hasn't done an honest day's work in her entire life.

She's a politician.

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

Why was the antivaxxers 5 year old crying?

Mid Life crisis

There are two kinds of people in life

Those who can extrapolate from limited information, and

A man gets sentenced to life in prison

On his first night there, his cell mate tells him there's a stand up comedy event.

They are sitting watching, and an inmate gets up and stands on the stage

"15", he calls out. The whole audience starts laughing.
"23", he continues. Hysterical laughter everywhere.

The man...

When life gives you melons, you might have dyslexia.

There should be a sub for stolen jokes.

Life for me is always like a credit card

I'm always getting used and denied

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If being sexy was a crime I’d be serving a life sentence...

... for man slaughter

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

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I told my wife that having kids had made our love life a little bland. She laughed, grabbed a peach from the kitchen, seductively ate the flesh, and masturbated with the pit.

Mother fucking hard core.

A magazine editor interviews a billionaire about his success in life

Editor: "Sir, during your life, you made an outstanding fortune. How did you do it exactly?"

Billionaire: "I started a business of messenger pigeons"

Editor: "Pigeons that deliver mail. That's great! How many have you sold?"

Billionaire: "Just one. But she always came back."

A life-saving topic

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?”, the frustrated student blurted out.

The professor ignored him and continued the lecture.

"I mean, why is this even re...

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Life’s like a bird,

it’s pretty cute until it shits on your head.

I can't believe I got a life sentence for a little insider trading

Technically it's called organ harvesting, but that's just semantics

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wow I just got the best blowjob of my life

Never knew VR porn could be so realistic!

That long life milk is a total lie.

I bought some for my wife and she died the next day.

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My take is this: Life is a flavorful mushroom from Japan.

Sorry, I know that’s a shit take

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Battery life on the iPhone

It spends so much time plugged into a wall it might as well be a fucking landline!

I just finished watching a very realistic series on the life of Abraham Lincoln.

The finale was shot in front of a live audience.

Life is like a Rubik's cube

If you get one side of it all smooth and organized, you usually mess up all the other sides in the process.

I asked my north korean friend how life in north korea is

He said he cant complain

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As a father I am granted 3 things in life:

1. I am allowed to have a dad bod.
2. I am allowed to make dad jokes.
3. I am a certified mother fucker.

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, bec...

How's life Johnny? (translated from Spanish)

George: So, how's life Johnny?

Johnny: Terrible.

G: Aw, well what about that Ferrari you got?

J: It got wrecked in a car crash.

G: Ooh, but what about that genius son of yours?

J: He was in the car.

*G, hoping to get away from this horrible conversation:*...

I find as I get older I only need 3 shops in my life, Specsavers, Boots and Greggs.

My life is all specs and drugs and sausage rolls.

Every morning when I jog I reflect on my life and I want to throw up.

It's a running gag.

In 1988 Enzo Anselmo Ferrari, after living a full life, died.

When he got to heaven God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a small Ferrari flag in the window. "This house is yurs for eternity, Enzo," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."
Enzo felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his...

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I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

It's my Cakeday! 8 Years on Reddit!

My life is the joke.

I want to write a memoir about how my medication makes me thirsty all the time. Thinking about calling it “My Life as a Desiccant”.

Don’t think I will, though; I’m worried that readers might think it’s too dry.

Life Pro Tip: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the kitchen floor, quietly kick it under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be water under the fridge.

Stubborn in life and in death

A man known for being very stubborn was found brutally beaten and killed. After a thorough police investigation there was no clue to who the killer was.

When it came time for the funeral. Friends and family were all gathered around. His body was put in a coffin and was ready to be buried.
...

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I'm stuck in the shittiest years of my life

I hate being in my mid turdies

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Looking to spice up your sex life?

Wear a rubber glove next time so it feels like someone else's hand.

What did Bach say when he is brought to life again?

“I’m Bach from the dead”

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business. He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life...

One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 10 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.

A ...

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Life cycle of the male sex drive

Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly

Ages 32-55: Try-weekly

Over 55: Try-weakly

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After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

An old friend, now living in China, called me. I asked him how life is over there and if he's doing well.

He said "Ah well , you know. I can't complain".

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The men life cycle

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a
passionate girl, but she was too emotional....

"Rain is merely a temporary obstacle in life, it's a metaphor of the inevitable downfall before success."

- Incy Wincy Spider

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

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You know I have never sent a dick pic in my life...

I just don’t have the balls.

A mans life

So a lonely gentleman finds himself a attractive lady of the night to help satisfy his physical desires. After some negotiations they retire to a nearby hotel to consummate their business. While disrobing the young lady sees that the gentleman is rather unendowed, pointing and laughing she asks, “Wh...

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So my sex life has been on fire recently!

Gonorrhea really is a bitch.

I touched myself and my life went downhill

It was a stroke of back luck

If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic

Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic:

There isn't any iceberg.
There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean.
The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon.
There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg.
We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be ...

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A businessman needs a new lease on life, so he goes to see a fortune teller.

He asks the fortune teller what his future would look like if he became an artist.

To the man's surprise, the fortune teller pulls out a large bong, takes a hit, then looks into his crystal ball and says "dim and poor, don't bother."

So the businessman asks him about his second choice,...

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

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As you grow up, your top proud moment in life is when you can ride your bike without holding onto any handlebars. Your next proudest moment is when...

you can stick your dick in without using any hands. It gets second place because you can't shout out, "Look ma, no hands!"

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3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

The most important thing in life is to be able to control your gag reflex

So that you can swallow pills and take the proper medication you need, perverts.

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The coronavirus is a lot like a kinky sex life:

I don't mind having it, but I'm scared my parents have it too.

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