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Motivation Jokes

Motivation is just like my wife.

It comes for everyone but me

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motivation

Anal sex keeps my wife in shape. Every time I just mention it and she runs a mile from me

What do you call a motivational program in a family business?

Incestives

How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero, because the change starts with you.

A man tries to find success as an Anti-motivational speaker

"In today's world of toxic positivity, we need more HEALTHY NEGATIVITY! Acknowledge your limitations! Understand your lack of potential! Remember that in this world of many people, you are NOT SPECIAL and EASILY REPLACEABLE!"

An audience member suddenly stood up, tears streaming down his fac...

It is said regarding motivation that “the first step is always the hardest”…

As someone with plantar fasciitis, I could not agree more.

Want to hear a joke about extrinsic motivation?

An old man enjoyed sitting on his front porch every day until the elementary school bell rang and neighborhood kids walking past his porch stopped to taunt him from the sidewalk.
Finally, the old man came up with a plan.
He offered the children a dollar each if they’d return the next day...

An American biker decides to travel the world [ Long]

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?

"I'm in it for the longhall."

What do criminals and motivational posters have in common?

Life sentences.

What did Microsoft employees say to Bill Gates after his motivational speech?

Word.

What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?

Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.

After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky

Just a bit of motivation for all of you out there

Always remember, you're never completely useless...

You can always serve as a bad example!

Motivation

Today I saw three people jogging out the window, and this motivated me to go and close the window.

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[NSFW] I've been working from home lately and I find my motivation is a lot like masturbation...

...It comes and goes in spurts.

Hippo was a great motivational speaker. Hippo taught that you must never give up. Hippo didn’t follow his own advice.

Hippo Quit

Two’s Day motivation

February 22nd, 2022 falls on a Tuesday. 2/22/22 will be a two’s day and that’s really got me going in life, lol.

Reading The Writing On The Wall...

I used to spend long hours working on my "rubbing-up-against-strangers-in-public" technique...

...until I got my *new* pair of glasses and re-read that motivational poster on the break-room wall.

So, my bad... it turns out it does *not* say : "Practice Makes Pervert"

My company just conducted a one-day motivation training for all the junior employees. It was a roaring success.

All the junior employees are really motivated to find new jobs now.

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A motivational speaker said that if you truly believe what you are doing is right, stand up for it even if the whole world is against you.

Hitler should not have been in the audience.

A motivational speaker gave blood, what was his blood type?

B-Positive

I can’t wait to get a girlfriend this year like that motivational quote on Facebook said

I just hope that this year my van will be able to outrun them this time!

Why did the motivational speaker have a shirt made of stamps?

Because he is an outgoing male.

[Motivation] Just because you were born in poverty, it doesn't mean that you'll be poor forever.

I was born in a hospital, yet I'm not a doctor.

Motivation posters

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again is not a poster I want to see at an abortion clinic

After 10 years of marriage I still keep a photo of my wife in my wallet that I can look at for motivation when times get hard.

I think, “If I can survive 10 years of marriage to this I can survive anything.”

Motivational speakers: Say "I will" instead of "I wish"

Me: I will my parents loved me

No motivation. Why bother if people don't notice my creative work?

It just seems that lately nobody really notices all the work I do. It seems like no matter how much effort i put into my works, no matter how much I invest in improving my skills via education, books, conferences, no matter how much i try to 'get in the spotlight' and display my art, people seem to ...

Motivation to live by and memorize.

Never stop believing in yourself.

Gonna see your dreams become reality.

Give it your best every day.

You will achieve it if you believe it and you'll go.

Up up and away you'll forever succeed.






To memorize this I find it easier to memorize the fi...

People say I should be a motivational speaker,

But I don't have the motivation.

What’s my blood doctors favourite motivational quote?

Be Positive.

What did the motivational speaker ask the bottle of water?

Do you have what it takes to be a liter?

When Katy Perry has the eye of the tiger it’s inspiring and motivational

But when I have it all of a sudden I’m “endangering animals” and have a “lifetime ban from the zoo”

"Where there's a will, there's a way" is a great self motivational phrase

Until an inheritance is involved

Motivation is like quicksand.

I'll likely never encounter it but see it in movies all the time.

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Farmer John and his bull

There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.
Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over...

What did the motivational speaker dolphin believe?

That everybody in life has a porpoise

What do you call a group of motivational speakers?

A fleece.

I was asked to give a motivational speech

But I just don't feel like it.

While we still don't know the motivations or the thought process behind the Boston Bombings

I think it's safe to say that the perpetrators are racists.

Motivation

A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.

Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"

Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".

Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"

Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"

Man...

I have always wanted to be a motivational speaker. To get the crowd on their feet. To feel optimistic about the day ahead, or even the life ahead. To make them feel like all their dreams are within arms reach with just a little hard work and the willingness to be something more than just who you are

Im just too lazy to get up.

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A motivational speaker talks about getting what you want

A motivational speaker has a crowd all riled up. "If you want sweets,", he says, "buy a sweets shop. If you want to lose weight, just lose weight! Whatever you want, just take it!"

After wrapping up and getting ready to leave, he pauses at the parking lot. "Who took my *fucking* motorcycle...

My sister told me about a christian motivational group that came to her school. She said they were super strong but didn't lift weights.

So I figured they must do crossfit.

Why is James Bond a terrible motivational speaker?

Because the audiences are shaken, not stirred.

A motivational speaker retired due to depression

He discovered he had B Negative blood

A man at a job interview was asked what he thought his greatest qualities were.

'My motivational skills' he replied ' At my last job everyone said they had to work twice as hard when I was around'

Motivational Story

One Day A Fisherman got up very early in the Morning.
There was not enough Sunlight to get into the Sea.
He saw a Pack of Stones...
To Pass Time he started throwing the Stone into the Sea.
While having the last stone in the Hand,
The Sun came up then he saw that the Stone was a Diamo...

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How many reddit users does it take to replace a lightbulb?

1 to make a post about it,
4 to mention that its the wrong forum,
1 to post it to the right forum,
7 to suggest op should post it to the electronics forum,
2 to post it to the electronics forum,
1 mod to delete the second post,

3 to suggest an image post would have gathered mor...

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A middle-aged guy decides it’s time to get fit so he heads down to his local gym.

When he gets there he sees a poster promising “6 month super motivational packages, available in Silver, Gold and Platinum”.

Intrigued the guy asks for more information.
The guy from the gym says “OK” and calls for someone to come out from the back office. A beautiful fit woman comes out a...

They call me 007 at work

0 motivation

0 skills

7 coffee breaks

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