After being 3 months sober from drinking, I bought myself a motivational poster to keep my spirits up.

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." -Wayne Gretzky

What did Microsoft employees say to Bill Gates after his motivational speech?

Word.

Two’s Day motivation

February 22nd, 2022 falls on a Tuesday. 2/22/22 will be a two’s day and that’s really got me going in life, lol.

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[NSFW] I've been working from home lately and I find my motivation is a lot like masturbation...

...It comes and goes in spurts.

Hippo was a great motivational speaker. Hippo taught that you must never give up. Hippo didn’t follow his own advice.

Hippo Quit

What is the difference between standup comedy, and motivational speaking?

Which side of the mic the depressed people are on.

Why did the motivational speaker have a shirt made of stamps?

Because he is an outgoing male.

I tried to shoplift from a motivational poster store...

...I tried to go big but they wouldn’t let me go home.

How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero, because the change starts with you.

[Motivation] Just because you were born in poverty, it doesn't mean that you'll be poor forever.

I was born in a hospital, yet I'm not a doctor.

My company just conducted a one-day motivation training for all the junior employees. It was a roaring success.

All the junior employees are really motivated to find new jobs now.

I can’t wait to get a girlfriend this year like that motivational quote on Facebook said

I just hope that this year my van will be able to outrun them this time!

Motivational speakers: Say "I will" instead of "I wish"

Me: I will my parents loved me

Motivation posters

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again is not a poster I want to see at an abortion clinic

I blew a speaker in my car today..

It was a motivational speaker. It left a bad taste in my mouth, but I feel a lot better about myself.

A motivational speaker gave blood, what was his blood type?

B-Positive

What’s my blood doctors favourite motivational quote?

Be Positive.

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An adult toy shop hired a new employee

The boss welcomes him on his first day and tells him that he has to leave for a while. "Will you be able to handle the store alone today?"

The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's motivation, he finally agrees. The boss leaves.

After some time a white woman walks in....

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I like when Instagram models post their workout videos. It really gives me the drive and motivation to go and do my daily exercise:

Masturbate

After 10 years of marriage I still keep a photo of my wife in my wallet that I can look at for motivation when times get hard.

I think, “If I can survive 10 years of marriage to this I can survive anything.”

What do you call a group of motivational speakers?

A fleece.

People say I should be a motivational speaker,

But I don't have the motivation.

Every time someone is arrested for a crime in Florida, they have to write a long text file describing their motivations for the crime and how it was carried out, so the police can add it to their registry.

Which is why all the stuff that happens in Florida seems so weird without the con-text.

What did the motivational speaker ask the bottle of water?

Do you have what it takes to be a liter?

My mom told me this one

A farmer is worried sick about his horse Reginald who is basically on his death bed. He calls a vet to check up on him but the vet looks hopeless and says, "I'll be honest with you man, he's pretty much in his final stages. I do know this experimental three day treatment, but its not known to work. ...

No motivation. Why bother if people don't notice my creative work?

It just seems that lately nobody really notices all the work I do. It seems like no matter how much effort i put into my works, no matter how much I invest in improving my skills via education, books, conferences, no matter how much i try to 'get in the spotlight' and display my art, people seem to ...

"Where there's a will, there's a way" is a great self motivational phrase

Until an inheritance is involved

What did the motivational speaker dolphin believe?

That everybody in life has a porpoise

I was asked to give a motivational speech

But I just don't feel like it.

They call me 007 at work

0 motivation

0 skills

7 coffee breaks

Motivation is like quicksand.

I'll likely never encounter it but see it in movies all the time.

I have always wanted to be a motivational speaker. To get the crowd on their feet. To feel optimistic about the day ahead, or even the life ahead. To make them feel like all their dreams are within arms reach with just a little hard work and the willingness to be something more than just who you are

Im just too lazy to get up.

While we still don't know the motivations or the thought process behind the Boston Bombings

I think it's safe to say that the perpetrators are racists.

Motivation

A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.

Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"

Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".

Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"

Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"

Man...

My sister told me about a christian motivational group that came to her school. She said they were super strong but didn't lift weights.

So I figured they must do crossfit.

Hameed the good lad

Once upon a time, a small boy named Hameed lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!" One day, his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told h...

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A motivational speaker talks about getting what you want

A motivational speaker has a crowd all riled up. "If you want sweets,", he says, "buy a sweets shop. If you want to lose weight, just lose weight! Whatever you want, just take it!"

After wrapping up and getting ready to leave, he pauses at the parking lot. "Who took my *fucking* motorcycle...

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The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

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My boss is a dick

My boss is a dick. He emails motivational quotes to the whole company every Monday morning.

This weeks was ‘Do one thing everyday that scares you.’

So I emailed back telling him to go fuck himself.

Motivational Seminar

At a motivational seminar, three men are asked to come up to the stage. They are all asked, "When you are in your coffin and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of...

An American biker decides to travel the world

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

A motivational speaker retired due to depression

He discovered he had B Negative blood

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A man with "Manchurian Dick"

A man came home from Thailand after a few weeks there. One of his biggest motivations for going there was the prostitutes, spending his whole vacation screwing, he was very concerned about his penis. It was turning colours and was very painful. He gets it checked by visiting his family doctor. The m...

Star Trek: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Captain Kirk: "To boldly go where no chicken had gone before!"
Spock: "At the time, it seemed the logical thing to do."
McCoy: "Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a barnyard psychologist!"
Scotty: "Because it couldna change the laws o' physics!"
Computer: "Insufficient data."

D...

Why is James Bond a terrible motivational speaker?

Because the audiences are shaken, not stirred.

Why did the rooster cross the road?

In these troubled times, it can be hard to truly understand anyone’s motivations. True, the grass is always greener on the other side, and one might cross the road in hopes that those pastures truly will be more full of bird seed and such. But in doing so, one risks not only the near certain death...

Motivational Story

One Day A Fisherman got up very early in the Morning.
There was not enough Sunlight to get into the Sea.
He saw a Pack of Stones...
To Pass Time he started throwing the Stone into the Sea.
While having the last stone in the Hand,
The Sun came up then he saw that the Stone was a Diamo...

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Two horses are chatting after winning their respective races at the grand national...

"I say old chap, you did fantastically on your race! How did you manage?"

"Well to be honest I'm a little confused, I couldn't break out of the pack, couldn't make any ground when about a third of the way round the course I felt this burning heat, right up my arse, so I powered on trying to g...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it got sick of people constantly questioning its motivations.

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