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A Farmer

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. As he approached, the ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in th...

Guy walks into a bar with an octopus

The bartender, upon seeing the octopus, says "hey hey hey I run a respectable establishment here, no cephalopods allowed!"

The owner of the octopus says "no, wait, this is the most amazing octopus in the world, it can play any musical instrument known to man."

As fate would have it, th...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.   “Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.  

“Actually, no,” ...

Two doctors are sitting on a bench at a park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:

- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong

- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia

- I have to disagree with you: that dra...

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

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When i was a kid this was my favorite joke don't hate me pls i changed.

I want to first apologise for my english in case i over complicate the joke it's my 3rd language and i have to translate it from my native language ^^

Well so it starts in a restaurant. A tall lady with weird long grey hair shows up with her huge bag and asks for a place for 2, so the waiter ...

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

A Dachshund and a Labrador are walking together when the former suddenly unloads on his friend.

“My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a Pomeranian and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the Labrador.

*“I can’t. I'm not allowed on the couch.”*

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A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

He goes inside, and asks the bartender what he needs to do to receive free beer for life. The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a bottle of vodka, " First, drink this whole bottle in one go, no cry...

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3 Explorers are captured by a cannibal tribe...

the chief of the tribe goes to them and says, "If you wish to live and be set free, you must follow this order: Go out into our jungle and collect 10 of a single fruit. Then return here by sundown." All wanting to live, the 3 explorers go off into the jungle.

The first comes back with 10 man...

A priest, an alcoholic, and an engineer are sentenced to death.

They are to be killed by the guillotine.

First is the priest. The executioner says "You can go on the guillotine either face up or face down". The priest says "I want to die face up, looking up to the heavens". So the priest lies face up. The executioner releases the blade; the blade falls ra...

A priest, an imam and a rabbit went into a bar

"Sorry", said the bartender, "no animals allowed".

Said the rabbit "Damn antisemitic autocorrect feature!"

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I'm so close to my goal weight I can taste it....

.... cause it's the only fucking thing I'm allowed to taste these days.

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

The captured English general and French general

a bash on the French, plus first post here: apologies, but anyway ...



During the Napoleonic wars, an English general (EG) is captured by the French. eventually the French general (FG) responsible for the capturing force faces upto the EG for the interrogation:

FG: i dont unders...

So why did the chicken cross the road?

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the...

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La Tonga (NSFW)

Once upon a time there were two explorers, John Smith and James errmm..Smith ,doing what they did best....exploring. After 2 weeks of sailing they came to shore on what looked like a deserted island.

Hopping off, they eagerly went on a trek through the beautiful tropical forest before them. ...

The weirdest thing happened today when I visited an American prime time tv studio. There was a blocked off zone guarded by police with signs saying “no comedians allowed, untalented people only”.

I was surprised to see they’d Cordened off the area.

China and reddit's societies are similar

Opinions aren't allowed

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Three nuns die and go to heaven.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and tells them that they’ll have to each answer a question about the Bible before being allowed into heaven.

“Sister, tell me, what is the holy trinity?” he asks the first nun.

The first nun answers “The father, the son and the Holy Ghost”. <...

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

The Young knight and his pipe

A young knight was nervous about his upcoming meeting with the king.

He went to the wise man, and told him of his worries, and the old man presented him an ornately designed pipe to give to the king as a gift.

"Wise master, I am confused. Why is it you suggest that I give him this beau...

Two heroin addicts die and stand before Saint Peter at the pearly gates

They ask Saint Peter if they’re allowed in, and Peter reviews their records.

“Wow, I’m really not sure guys. It says here you’ve done a lot of bad things. Stealing, lying, generally bad addict behavior things. I can’t make this call, I have to go ask the big guy himself”, Peter says.

...

Our two granddaughters promised us to let their younger cousin Jimmy (a little boy) to be included in their play.

After a while I found the 2 girls playing house in their room but Jimmy was nowhere in sight. Glancing outside I found Jimmy sitting alone on the front step.

"I thought you were playing house with your cousins.

He answered, "I am. I'm the dog and the dog isn't allowed in the house!"

Why can't cannibals have friends?

They aren't allowed to play with their food

You are allowed to have a bad day.

You've given us plenty so keep one for yourself.

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An old paratrooper joke

the original one (at least the one that I know) is in Hebrew.
The son is joining the army and his father wants him to become a paratrooper just like he did.

He is not in fit and he is afraid of heights, but his father told him that if he won't become one, he won't be allowed to enter his...

Why does the cop's wife not allow him to turn the tv off?

Because he shoots at it every time the screen turns black.

A man got arrested for having drugs in his pocket.

"Officer," he said, "I can explain."

-How? -the officer replied.

"Every time I throw those drugs in the toilet, they magicaly reappear in my pocket."

-Don't lie to me. -says the officer.

"Let me show you then."

So the officer allows him to show it. A man takes out ...

Two young boys are seated at the back of the congregation at a Mormon temple wedding...

Two young boys are seated at the back of the congregation at a Mormon temple wedding when one of them leans over and asks the other:

“I’m confused, how many wives are we allowed to have?”

His companion mulls it over, “Sixteen… I think. *Four better, four worse, four richer, and four po...

Revenge on a four-year-old child

A while ago, I invited my friend to my house for dinner. He brought along his four year old child, who made a mess of my house, and destroyed two of my expensive plates. I was so angry, but after all, I couldn't vent my anger on a young child. I had no choice but to smile and keep my composure.
<...

A man orders a tomato soup at a restaurant..

As soon as waiter brings the soup he started yelling at waiter and ask him to taste the soup.

Waiter "sorry sir we're not allowed to do that. I will bring you another one."

He still kept yelling at him and asked him to taste the soup.

Waiter was nervous by now so he told the ma...

A degree in agriculture is great to have.

It allows you to work in a variety of fields.

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii

or just a low ha?

A scientific study

I recently read a scientific study that was performed to investigate the number of birds being found dead in North America.

The scientists collected the dead bodies to keep accurate amounts of the deceased birds.

After months of collection, the scientists realized that nearly every s...

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A wife asks her husband to buy a guard dog for their house.

The husband goes to the pet store and asks the clerk for a guard dog.

"I'm sorry," says the clerk. "We're all out of guard dogs. But we do have a guard cat."

"A guard cat?" says the confused husband.

"Yes," replies the clerk. "Allow me to explain." He puts a carpet on the floor ...

Only people who hate the president are allowed here.

Everyone else is forbiden

A Brit, a Spaniard, and a Frenchman

A Englishman, a French man, and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country. They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries, so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two ...

I went to my son’s parent teacher conference today

An unkept older man walked out and yelled to me I can go in after the trans.

I was mortified. I started saying in this day and age anyone can be whoever they want. It’s disgusting people like you who make this world a horrible place.

That’s when I saw the Vietnamese family walk out. ...

Did you know you are not allowed to come to France and buy any bears?

All french bears are ours

Little Johnny's school is having a day where they honor the military, and Johnny's class is going through a worksheet.

They go through the answers to the final question,

"What are things that a teacher and a soilder can say?"

The teacher picks Caitlyn first for an answer.

Caitlyn says, "Today, we are going to learn how to fly drones!"

The teacher responds, "Excellent! Drones allow soldie...

Two guys decide that they'd go out drinking on the night before their exam.

Wasted on the night before, the two arrive at the university well after the exam ended. They went straight to the professor, saying that they couldn't take the test because one of the car's tires had gone flat. Surprisingly, the professor allows them and promptly tells them to come back tomorrow....

I Won't Allow Anyone to Insult Helen Keller's Accomplishments.

If you say she only became famous due to blind luck, your claim shall fall on deaf ears.

I tried to come up with a joke about restraining orders.

But this is as close as I’m allowed to get.

Me: Would you like to join us for some beers after work?

Coworker: No, my Faith doesn’t allow that.

Me: Oh sorry, are you a Christian?

Coworker: Yes, but Faith is my wife’s name.

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A Russian Jew decides to emigrate to Israel

At Moscow airport the customs officials stop him when they find a statue of Lenin in his luggage and ask what it is.

He replies, "I think you meant "Who is this?" This my friend, is Comrade Lenin, who laid the foundations of socialism and allowed Russia to prosper. I take a statue of him wit...

In Israel, why is it that only men are allowed to make coffee?

Because of *Hebrew* law

A man wakes up the mental ward

Relax, sir, you've just had ECT.

What's that?

Electrical shock therapy. After a shock to the brain, you have temporary partial memory loss. Patients often forget about the things that cause them stress and tension, allowing to them to relax and get better.

Okay.

Now that ...

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

Pravda news from April 27th 1986

Glorious Soviet technology allowed workers at Chernobyl power plant to complete five year plan of power production in mere five milliseconds.

To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

We need to rise up against children with leukaemia

Special Pig

A farmer walks into a bar with a pig with a wooden leg. Bartender says "We don't allow pigs in here". Farmer says "This is no ordinary pig this is a special pig". Bartender asks, "What's so special about it?" Farmer replies, "I was out fishing in my pond, fell out of my boat, I can't swim. Pig broke...

Marriage counselor: Your partner allows you to make independent decisions? Me: *looks at wife*

Wife: *nods*

Me: Yes, of course

Sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and many hours of hard work, one of my colleagues was struck off today due to a minor indiscretion....

He slept with one of his patients. Even though they were good friends, he is no longer allowed to work in the profession he has loved all this time. Such a shame as he is a genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet...

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Tom suffers from severe constipation.

After years of searching around and trying every method and medication under the sun, he finally finds the only medicine that works.

One day, he goes to his doctor to get his prescription.

"I can't give it to you, sorry," says the good doctor.

So Tom runs around the city checkin...

People who misspell “effect” for “affect” shouldn’t be allowed to exist.

As you can tell, this effects me deeply:)

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4 nuns die and go to heaven!

4 nuns die in a car accident and arrive outside the gates of Heaven. St. Peter greets them and says "I know that all of you have regularly attended confession and confessed to many sins, but as the Lord is all knowing, he is aware that there are some sins that all of you haven't yet confessed to and...

Why are locksmiths allowed to stay open during lockdown?

Because they are key workers.

A Man Lay Sprawled . . .

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a posh theater. When an usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir" he said, "if you don't get up from there I'm go...

In the time of the Holy Roman Empire

There was a chronic shortage of hay with which to feed the Army's horses. So much so that the Emperor issued a mandate that restricted its use, even going as far as cutting in half the width of all brooms.

This became standard use and over time no one questioned it. With the exception of lowl...

A Higgs-Boson walks into a church, only to be stopped by a priest at the door. "I'm very sorry but we don't allow Higgs-Boson in here."

The Higgs-Boson then replies, "But without me, how will you have mass?"

A son was describing his day to his mom.

He said "Mom, today I got up from the bus to allow a pretty woman to sit down after dad made me stand up."

His mom replied "Well dear, doing a nice thing is good, so why did dad have to make you get up?"

The son said "Because I was on dad's lap and I wanted to be warm."

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away

there were two evil friars living outside this small village. The friars had tried unsuccessfully to overtake and capture the town, but finally this time, they believed they had hit upon a foolproof scheme that would allow them to rule the village. They had, through mad scientist experiments in thei...

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven

St Peter greets them and says, "Sisters, as you all led such wonderful lives, I'm allowing each of you to return to earth for six months in the body of anyone you choose."

The first nun says "I want-a to be Beyonce!" and with that she's gone.

The second nun says "I want-a to be Lady Ga...

Genie in a glass bottle

One day a man was doing throwing practice with his wife while on a vacation, when suddenly he missed and the ball flew into a nearby house. They ran over when they heard glass breaking and saw a weird looking guy staring back.

The weird guy quickly came up to them and started thanking them, "...

The reason there are so many demons out during lockdown

is because priests are only allowed to exorcize for 1 hour

Why was Rembrandt not allowed to by new art supplies?

He was too Baroque

Drew is a security guard, and he has just been brought on to the team of up-and-coming British Pop Star, Chris "Anthem" Williamson.

Today is Drew's first day working with his new team. He meets with Finley, Chris's Stage Manager, to go over what he needs to know for the next gig.

Towards the end of his orientation, Finley tells Drew, "Lastly, Chris a bit of an eccentric fellow. He does NOT like to be disturbed when he's ...

Why did the teenager call 17 of his friends to watch a movie?

Because on the poster, it said "under 18 not allowed".

A frog mother takes her children to register for a Polish daycare...

The man at the door says that he can not allow her child to register for the day care without the proper identifcation. "You see this is a Polish daycare only for the slavic people we do not let anyone in if they do not have any Polish blood in them."
The mother unsure of her ancenstry leaves det...

I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40

40 kids is way too much by any standard!

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My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records.

I'm not allowed in the library any more.

Waffle House

I went to Waffle House this morning but forgot my wallet at home. I told the waiter I couldn’t pay for my meal, so she took one of my shoes as payment and told me I wasn’t allowed back.

I guess from now on IHOP.

Is black comedy allowed on here?

Wanted to post a Kevin Hart joke.

What did the chefs say when they allow the cheese to be shred?

Parmesan grated.

A man becomes a monk..

A man becomes a monk at an abbey that requires him to work, study, and contemplate. He is allowed to speak only two words every ten years, so that they be the most consice and profound.

After the first ten years he goes through his first ceremony. He walks past the other lined disciples, knee...

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

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Real news: A 95 year old Tennesse man is being deported after admitting his Nazi past. When asked why, as a former Nazi, he is not allowed to stay in the US, he said, "I worked a simple job as a camp guard..."

"it's not rocket science"

Eminem isn't allowed to get the full COVID vaccine

He only gets one shot

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Do you know why they don't allow prostitutes on crew teams?

Because hoes are hard to row.

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer.

The bartender informs him that he is not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons. After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested that the drunk prove he isn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy...

Two mushrooms were talking politics.

One mushroom said “I think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote.”

The other said “Thats a shiitake.”

What did Jim Carrey say when he wasn’t allowed to have a left handed baseball player on his team?

Allllllllllll righty then!

Do not speak with your mouth full

I said to my daughter as she was chewing on a huge bite of spaghetti.

- You are not allowed to do that im the kindergarten as well.

- Well, sometimes we are allowed to

- When?

- When the kindergarten teachers don't notice


She's turning 5 tomorrow. Spread some l...

Abram is coming home in grief and despair

His wife is asking what happened
\- *Oy vey iz mir!* \- he tells her - So much spending! So much money I am going to lose! Today our rabbi gave a speech: "For many years we are living among Russians but they still don't like us. And we don't even know why. I gave it many a thought and decided...

"Hey, did you end up going to that exclusive dominatrix party?"

... oh, I guess that makes sense—most people weren't allowed to come

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge......

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood , "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I pr...

A husband and wife were relaxing at home when all of a sudden it started to snow...

Their show was interrupted by a news broadcast instructing everyone to park on the west side of the street to allow the snow plows to run.
The woman jumps up and grabs her keys to move her car immediately.
The next night the snow is still unrelenting and the broadcast instructs everyone to p...

I asked my mom to allow me to cook.

She said "Sure. The flour is all yours."

Bye.

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in hell

A man goes to hell. They tell him:

-- You have not sinned too much, so we allow you to choose torture yourself.

He goes into the first room and there people are fried in a frying pan. It doesn't suit him and he leaves.
In the second room needles are inserted under the nails.
“It ...

What type of burger isn't allowed on the titanic?

An iceburger

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

A priest, a lawyer, and an engineer, were each sentenced to death by guillotine.

The priest went first, and he says "Please. Allow me to lie facing up, so that I might face towards God as I am about to join him."

The guards allow it, and place his head through the slot.

The guard pulls the lever and the blade comes down but stops just inches short of the priest's h...

Why don't lightsabers have picatinny rails?

Jedi aren't allowed to have attachments.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

The Hunchback of Notre Dame had died

The priests realized they would need a new person to ring the bells. They decided to hold auditions. After advertising the position in the town center there was a long line of peasants waiting to try out the next day.

One by one the priests called the peasants forward to pull the rope, ring t...

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...

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What the fuck is wrong with manslaughter?

Are men not allowed to laugh?

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A young monk joins a monastery.

The an older monk shows him around, as they visit the Library he says.

"We have a vast collection of books, if we don't have it here, it can be delivered within a day. You can use the library every day, except on Thursday."

Next they go to the kitchen.
"We have a world renowned chef...

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A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.

His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposef...

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I met a fairy today that granted me one wish

"I want to live forever" I said.

"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant those type of wishes."

"Fine" I said, "I want to die only after the last repost has been made in /r/jokes!"

"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.

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Hospital humour

A doctor was doing his rounds on the ward and came across a male patient masturbating. He said to the Nurse in charge, surely you shouldn’t be allowing this to happen on the ward, it’s most inappropriate. The nurse replied, he has HSC (high sperm count), he has to do this daily to bring the count do...

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Being accepted into the Baptist church requires a tough test.

The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'...

Talking Chicken (my original twist)

A guy goes into a bar with a chicken. The bartender of course says, “What’s up with the chicken? We don’t allow chickens in here.“

The guy says “it’s okay, Freddie’s a talking chicken!“

The bartender says “yeah sure pal. If that chicken can talk, I’ll give you all the free beer you wan...

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

In 1999, in the midst of the Y2K panic, the KY Jelly company announced it was now Y2K compliant:

Known as 'Y2KY Jelly, it now allowed you to put all four digits in your date

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During the Japanese Occupation, a Malay, a Chinese and an Indian are captured by the Japanese army

The soldiers who capture them bring them to a forest, where they are told to pick 10 of the same fruits and to bring it back to them.

The Malay returns first, with ten rambutans. When he returns, an officer says: "I will stuff these ten rambutans into your anus; make a sound and I will kill y...

Three men go walking their dogs to go to the bar

Three men walking their dogs together walk to a bar that has a big sign saying "no dogs allowed"

The first man says "I'll have a drink" and walks in and when the bouncer points to the sign the man sticks his arm out straight and says "it's a seeing eye dog" and gets in

The second man,...

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Did you know that if you stroke your testicle with one hand and a kiwi with the other and close your eyes, you won’t feel the difference?

And that I’m not allowed to shop at Whole Foods for the next couple of months?

Say what you will about North Koreans

No seriously, they’re not allowed on this site.

If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning, I'd hammer in the evening, All over this land.

I'm not allowed a hammer.

A man wanted to hunt deer but it was not hunting season...

He decide he’ll risk it and went out and shot a deer, then he put the carcass over his shoulder and started to make his way out of the wood.

Suddenly he was stopped by a warden.

“What are you doing?” Asks the warden

“Nothing” says the man

“You’re not allowed to hunt here”...

Did you know; you can fit 35 bananas in a kangaroos pouch

Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore...

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Cinderella wants to go to the Ball

But her evil Step- mother won't allow her. Cinderella runs to the garden and cries. Suddenly her fairy godmother appears out of thin air. The fairy godmother asks "why are you crying child?" Cinderella tells her about the ball and her evil step-mother not letting her go. The fairy godmother tells C...

Why was the cloud not allowed to cross the border?

Because it was a for-rainer

A woman tries getting on a bus but realizes her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind to unzip her skirt a little, thinking thi...

In sweden we have what is called Bellman jokes

Disclaimer: Carl Michael Bellman was a swedish author, singer, composer etc. For no particular reason swedes tell jokes about him. Usually involving him and two other guys from different nationalities. Bellman usually wins out in the end somehow.

On to the joke

There was once a Ge...

I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face this morning.

I'm not allowed to have Sharpies in the house anymore.

Breaking: English to be made the official language of the EU!

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-E...

An couple of Swedish jokes

What does it say at the bottom of a Norwegian swimming pool?

- No smoking allowed.

Why do Norwegian motor bikers wear pyjamas hats instead of helmets?

- Because the helmet broke during the 300 metre free fall test.

Why did the Norwegian bring a car door to the desert?<...

Snail joke (oldie but goodie)

A snail walks into a bar, hops up on the bar stool
and orders a Jack & Coke. The bartender says “sorry no snails allowed here” ....and the bartender kicks out the snail.

2 weeks later the snail finally re-enters the bar again and asks: “what the f*ck did you do that for”?

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I put on my mask before I entered the bank, but everyone still got super pissed at me.

Turns out, you're not allowed to go in with a shotgun and loudly ask to make a substantial withdrawal.

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


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### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

In China, citizens *are* allowed to express their own free opinion

So long as the government agrees with it.

You're either ugly or your mean. You can't be both.

Mitch McConnell: "Allow me to introduce myself"

[META] r/Jokes keeps me going

I'm sorry if this is not allowed here but I had to share. I have a bunch of health issues, severe anxiety, and depression. I've on multiple occasions felt like giving up. Sometimes, no matter how much support you have it is difficult to keep going. That's where you guys come in. I read your jokes al...

Thanks to the pandemic, only six of the seven dwarves are allowed to meet up this Christmas...

None of them is Happy.

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My sisters baby

So I am not allowed to hold my sisters baby anymore. The one fucking time I held the baby I dropped it, I swear it wasn't a big deal but she started screaming at me and even got the fucking cops involved, and I'm like "okay but the real question here is WHO THE FUCK brings a baby to the grand canyon...

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

Obedient husband

Little boy was curious why did his father do everything his mother asked, so one day he asked his dad: "Dad, why are you so obedient. None of other dads listen to their wife's like you."
Dad said: "Well, you see son, when you were born, your mother and I made a deal. If she would allow me to give...

Religious differences

“I heard you got divorced? What happened?”

“Religious differences destroyed our marriage.”

“Religious differences?”

“Yes, I wasn’t allowed to love my neighbor.”

A vulture is walking down the jetway at the airport.

He has two dead badgers, one under each wing. The stewardess stops him and says, "I'm sorry sir, you're only allowed one carrion."

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a...

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night before christmas (covid edition)

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,

Do you know why? Because none of us were

allowed out,

Looked out into the street and no Christmas decorations about,

Looked out of the window, what did I s...

Ass hat with a badge

Been around for a while but haven't seen it lately.

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard, gets out, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old fella tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to insp...

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German Naval Captain got transferred to a U-Boat

His crew (all English defectors), did not like his German methods of leadership. After a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen barely a minute off, he saw several derogatory posters about him taped around the craft. Calling for his first officer, he sai...

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