UPJOKE
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Allow Jokes

We cannot allow this year to end

That would be admitting that 2021

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

What's the only thing vegans are allowed to kill?

The conversation,

Do they allow laughing in Hawaii?

Or just a low ha

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I wasn’t allowed in a fraternity in college because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies?

Orphans.

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

[LONG]

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head mo...

My job allows me to hook up with as many women as I want

I love being a mortician

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

The bartender says "No time travelers allowed in this bar"

Two time travelers walk into a bar

A man with a great dane and a man with a Chihuahua go to a bar, but it says “no pets allowed”

One man says to the other “how will we bring our dogs inside?”
The second man gives the first a pair of very dark sunglasses and says “do what I do.”
He goes inside and the manager says “Sorry, no pets allowed.”
The man says “You don’t understand. This is my guide dog.”
“A great dane? ...

Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies?

Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call boobs that everyone is allowed to touch?

Communititties

Why wasn't Steve Jobs allowed to fart at home?

His house didn't have windows!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday at the zoo I was allowed into the lion enclosure

I said to the lion handler “What do I do if the lion tries to attack me?”

He replied “Don’t be afraid it’s very simple, if the lion charges you, reach behind your back, grab a pile of shit off the ground and throw it in the lions face”

I said to him “But what if I reach behind me and t...

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"No Jews Allowed"

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send...

Eminem isn't allowed to get the full COVID vaccine

He only gets one shot

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

Are Christian’s allowed to sing Eminem in church?

Or do their Psalms get sweaty?

From my 7-year-old: What room are zombies not allowed in?

The living room.

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Black people are allowed to say the n-word while white people can't.

But white people can say things that black people can't. Like, "Thanks for the
warning officer," and "Hi dad."

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A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture to board his flight?

#Because of the horrible stench coming from his carrion luggage.

*I deserve any and all insulting comments I will get for this joke, I make no excuses for myself and should probably be ashamed.*

*edit: thank you for the gold benevolent stranger. :-)*

Donald Trump says to Mike Pence, "The less immigrants we allow in, the better."

Pence says, "The fewer".

Trump says, "I told you not to call me that yet."

"Dad, are they allowed to put two people in the same grave?"

"I don't think so, son. Why do you ask?"

"Because that headstone over there says, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Why are you not allowed to do calculus intoxicated?

It's illegal to drink and derive.

As leader of the USSR, Gorbachev was allowed to conduct weddings

He liked to keep them brief:

Gorbachev: You want to marry her?

Groom: Da

Gorbachev: You want to marry him ?

Bride: Da

Gorbachev: Then so be it.

He was a master of the So-be-it union

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed...

A Muslim temporarily forgets that he's not allowed to eat bacon...

hamnesia

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

Pencils can be really sharp, but they are still allowed on planes.

That’s because… they needed to draw the line somewhere.

I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40

40 kids is way too much by any standard!

There’s so much debate about whether to allow Russian athletes to compete internationally

Whatever else happens I hope they let Russians compete in the Paralympics. With the way the war’s going they’ll have a heck of a team

My local tennis club doesn't allow courts to be pre-booked.

It works on a first come, first serve basis.

Why did the house owner not allow the nine ants to enter?

Because they were not ten ants

Why is 'reverse cow girl' not allowed in Alabama?

Because you shouldn't turn your back on family

Why did the Red Cross not allow Jesus and Muhammad to volunteer?

It’s a non-prophet organization.

No dogs allowed here

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and...

I just made a joke about the EU's decision to allow insects in food.

[crickets]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the Olympics, we should allow the athletes to take as many drugs as possible.

Fuck it, I want to see how high they can jump!

Why aren't cats allowed in astrophysics

It'd be a catastrophe

What four elements are you not allowed to bring to your job?

Nitrogen, sulfur, fluorine, and tungsten…because they are NSFW.

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

why aren't fish allowed online

They always get hooked on the inter net

Why is Trump no longer allowed in the White House?

Cause it's for-Biden.

My baseball team don't allow anyone to wear Adidas.

Three stripes and you're out.

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GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers
stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the
door saying "GEEKS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of...

In most African countries, you’re not allowed to take your food home from a restaurant.

Except one——Togo.

I was never allowed to see Alien vs. Predator as a kid

The closest I got was watching my uncle rant about immigrants.

Why did they not allow a pony to sing a song?

.

.

.

Because she was a little horse.

What do you call a redditor that's not allowed to be near kids?

A predditor

"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos here" said the bartender.

A neutrino walked into a bar.

I asked a monk if they were allowed to send emails

He said yes as long as there are no attachments

Why is Shia LeBeouf not allowed in Saudi Arabia?

Because he is Shia.

Why wasn't the elf allowed to use the step ladder to decorate the Christmas tree?

Because of 'elf and safety restrictions.

Why is mastrubation on a flying plane not allowed ?

Because high jacking is illegal

My son wasn't allowed on the rollercoaster because he's not big enough.

How mean is that...making a two-year-old watch their dad go on it alone?!

I asked my mom to allow me to cook.

She said "Sure. The flour is all yours."

Bye.

I Won't Allow Anyone to Insult Helen Keller's Accomplishments.

If you say she only became famous due to blind luck, your claim shall fall on deaf ears.

My exceptional memory allows me to memorize a sequence of more than a million numbers

1, 2, 3, 4, 5...

A woman tries getting on a bus but realises her skirt is too tight.

As the bus stopped & it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed & with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little thinking that this...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad was so conservative that when I was a kid he wouldn't allow Skittles in the house because they let you taste the rainbow.

And rainbows taste like dick.

What jokes are allowed during quarantine?

Inside jokes.

My School doesn’t allow blacks

Can’t believe the dress code here

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Do you know why they don't allow prostitutes on crew teams?

Because hoes are hard to row.

I recently heard that Turkeys aren't allowed to play baseball.

No matter how many times they hit, they'll always hit Fowl balls.

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm s...

Before women were allowed in court...

We probably had more hung juries

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

Why was France not allowed to join AUKUS?

Because FAUKUS wouldn't sound right to scare China.

r/Jokes won't allow you to sort by new anymore...

Since everything is made of 100% recycled content.

The Secret Service are no longer allowed to say "Get down Mr. President!"

Now they have to yell "Donald, Duck!"

Why wasn’t the number 3 allowed back into school after failing his Spanish test?

Because there’s No Trespassing!!






I’ll show myself out

The Bartender said: "Sorry we dont allow time travelers here"

A time traveler walks into a bar

Why isn’t American allowed back in Afghanistan

We’re talibanned

Did you hear about the pilot that wasn't allowed to fly because of a house arrest?

He was grounded

My husband said I'm not allowed to make shortbread any longer.

Because then it would be longbread.

Why was baby shark not allowed to be an altar boy?

Because its mouth has too many teeth to doo doo doo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gay men shouldn't be allowed kids...

... no one could survive that many dad jokes!

A monk, a nun and a priest all suddenly die in a fire and end up before God...

"You are all going to hell!" he announces. "As despite your dedicated lives you still had sins you did not repent for! However, for your services to me, I will allow you to choose your eternal punishment. You must select 3 different things I find most terrible that humans have experienced before. Ea...

Hospitals should allow assisted suicide.

They'd make a killing.

My local park doesn't allow wheeled vehicles inside.

Today a group of people are protesting this rule by driving a huge cart through the park. At first I didn't like the idea but I changed my mind and jumped on the banned wagon.

I want to fix the roof at our shop, but my boss says only he is allowed to make that decision...

The problem is over my head.

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A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.

He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink.

“I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.

“That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies.

The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole.

“Oh God. I’m sorry. H...

I don't allow my children to watch the orchestra

There's too much sax and violins

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did God allow women to get yeast infections?

So they could know what it was like to live with an irritating cunt sometimes..

You’re not allowed to use ‘beef-stew’ as a password.

It’s not stroganoff.

If you clone the president of the United States that's allowed

If you clone him twice that's also allowed

But if you clone him a third time ...

That's four-Biden

To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

We need to rise up against children with leukaemia

What did the chefs say when they allow the cheese to be shred?

Parmesan grated.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the maximum speed allowed for sex?

68
Because at 69 you roll over

My wife told me I'm not allowed to impersonate a flamingo anymore...

I had to put my foot down

If prisoners were allowed to take their own mugshots

they would be called, cellfies.

A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"Not really, but the desire will disappear."

Why won't Russia allow entry for The Fine Bros?

They've had problems with reactors before

Allow me to sum up the 90's for you.

90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99=945

They don't allow reverse cowgirl in Alabama

cause you never turn your back on family.

Is black comedy allowed on here?

Wanted to post a Kevin Hart joke.

I allow myself only one doughnut per year.

This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.

It's tough looking for a rental that allows pets

No one seems to have the right claws in the contract.

Why is getting high in Netherlands is allowed ?

So that they can be level with rest of the world.

Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater

But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve

Did you know Gregorian monks aren't allowed to make puns?

They cant

[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?

Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.

Why are color blind people not allowed to join the Air Force?

Because they won’t know who they’re supposed to bomb.

Are knock knock jokes allowed?

Knock knock...
"Who's there?"
I eat mop....

Why shouldn't people from Texas be allowed to drive?

Because they're always Texan and driving

No sergeants allowed

It's a Private party.

Allow me to be perfectly Frank...

...because I haven't quite mastered being George yet.

Why do soldiers need to ask every time if they are allowed into battle?

It's permission

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife left me, so I posted all the nudes she ever sent me onto r/gonewild.

The mods removed them though as they go against the rules.

They don't allow reposts.

I have a perfect gambling strategy that will allow you to walk out of any casino with a small fortune. It works every time

All you have to do is walk into the casino with a large fortune.

I wasn't allowed into the fancy dress house party.

That's the last time I go to one dressed as a Jehovah's witness.

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students:

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

A little-known college basketball rule is that players are not allowed to own more than five pet chickens.

They will be ejected from a game if they have more than five personal fowls.

News: Pope says men are now allowed to date nuns

...So long as they don't get into the habit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's it, no more vagina jokes allowed!

Period!

Why aren't people allowed to bbq naked during hot, dry climates?

High risk of Bush fires.

Why was covid not allowed into a bar?

Cus covid 19

Ana is no longer allowed to the fruit market.

Banana.

Why do doctors allow smart phones in the delivery room?

Push notifications.

Swedish government is not allowing the aircraft carrier Admiral Kuznetsov in their territorial waters

The main issues seem to be related to the working conditions of the rowers.

Are you allowed to send an email to a friend in prison?

you can do that, but you are not allowed to attach a file.

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