This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wasn't allowed to join the Trump campaign because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

We cannot allow this year to end.

That would be admitting that 2021.

Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies?

Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.

r/Jokes won't allow you to sort by new anymore...

Since everything is made of 100% recycled content.

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.

Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!

Why is it if banks have become so smart that they can allow you to deposit a check from a picture,

but they won't let you do the same thing with a picture of cash?

Why aren’t children allowed to watch movies about green ogres?

Because of all the Shrexual content.

A rope walks up to a bar but the bouncer turns him away, saying that ropes aren't allowed.

So, the rope walks away, ties himself in a bow and unravels his ends a bit.

When he walks back to the bar, the bouncer says "hey, aren't you that rope we just turned away?"

To which the rope says "No, I'm a frayed knot"

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain but she didn’t speak spanish. Each time she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt up & show her thighs to allow the seller to understand.This went on for some time.

One day she wanted to buy sausages, so she made her husband go to the store with her. He then asked for sausages as he spoke spanish.

There's a new store where I live that only allows Republicans to shop there.

They say the customer is always right

What jokes are allowed during quarantine?

Inside jokes.

Why wasn't Jesus allowed to return to his food service job after he was crucified?

They were afraid of *cross*\-contamination

My wife and I played that game where you write down 5 people we're allowed to sleep with

Ourside of our marriage

She gave me her list and I scoffed at the predictability

Celebrities, athletes, she didn't stand a chance!

However as she read mine a look of complete horror swept over her face

And I was grabbing my coat when she screamed "where the hell are you g...

Are knock knock jokes allowed?

Knock knock...
"Who's there?"
I eat mop....

Why was the eagle sufferings from a sickness not allowed to enter the country?

Because it was an ill eagle.

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words...

...there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

My wife said there’s no way in hell she’d ever allow me do doggie style.

but I did it behind her back anyway.

The secret service isn't allowed to yell "Get down!" anymore when the president is about to be attacked.

Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"

Ofcourse mentally disabled people should be allowed to have jobs...

But to make them president of the United States is a bit to much.

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I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes.

It was a dick tater ship.

my parents told me i’m not allowed to say the n-word anymore

can’t say no to that

If prisoners were allowed to take their own mugshots

they would be called, cellfies.

For the 2020 NFL season, the players will no longer be allowed to keep chickens as pets.

It will be considered a personal fowl.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

Voltaire said “To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticize.”

It’s time we rise up against those kids with leukemia

A dude on the street yelled that it's allowed to be LGBTQ nowadays and said it was 100% true

A man walked by and said:

"You're not spitting straight facts, that's for sure"

Why are prisoners not allowed to have email?

Don't want to risk someone attaching a file.

Why are German Navy soldiers not allowed to think?

Because if zey sink in ze wota, zey will draun.

Two men are walking their dogs (a doberman and a chihuahua) when they see a restaurant.

They're pretty hungry, do they decide to head in for a bite to eat. Unfortunately, they see a sign out front that says "NO DOGS ALLOWED".

The man with the doberman says "I know what to do, just follow my lead." He throws on a pair of sunglasses and walks in.

The waiter tells him "I'm s...

Why wasn't the food lion bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?

Because baggers cant be juicers.

Due to Covid, only one person is allowed in the bathroom at a time.

Unfortunately, this means a lot less people get to hear how impressively strong my urine stream is.

I wasn't allowed to bring a board game in on an airplane.

The Risk was too big.

Why shouldn't people from Texas be allowed to drive?

Because they're always Texan and driving

Why aren’t chickens allowed in church?

Because they only use fowl language.

My wife is stressed out not being allowed to leave the house or socialize.

And now, with this coronavirus thing...

I was at a museum and I asked a worker if I was allowed to take pictures

He told me no, they had to stay on the walls.

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Why aren't prostitutes allowed near prisons?

Because a sentence shouldn't end with a proposition.

Trump: "The less immigrants we allow, the better!"

Miller: "The fewer..."

Trump: "Stephen! I told you never to call me that in public!"

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A blondie goes to the casino

A beautiful blonde girl goes to the casino with all her cash and sits at the roulette desk. She goes to the clerk and asks if she can play being nude.

The amused clerk asked, "This is an open club and you are free to do anything you want but why would you do something like this?", to which t...

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A pastor is hiring a new bell boy to ring the church bell.

So a boy walks in with no arms, that wants to apply for the job. The pastor says "I don't think you qualify". The boy responds with "nonsense, let me show you"

They head up the bell tower. The boy proceeds to get a running start and headbutts the bell to make it ring. The pastor shakes his he...

PSA: Posts related to illegal drugs will no longer be allowed.

We don't crack jokes here.

Two friends are walking their dogs, a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua, when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”

So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

“Sorry,” says the owne...

Allow me to de-introduce myself

My name is [redacted]

I don't allow my children to watch the orchestra

There's too much sax and violins

Ana is no longer allowed to the fruit market.

Banana.

For the first time in my life, I allowed someone else to change my tire.

Now I know what it's like to be a woman!

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

How are women and the sun similar

Sunglasses allow you to stare at them for longer

I love bath time, it allows me to play with my favorite toys.

My personal favorite is the toaster

An old Joke that used to make my friends laugh.

Disclaimer: I am using nationalities, but I mean no offense or disrespect.

3 men die and are sent to hell. American, Bhuddist monk and a russian. They meet the devil. The sevil says:

"I will allow you to leave and go to heaven, if you can endure 3 lashes from my whip without screaming...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor put me on a strict vegan diet, but every Monday I’m allowed a cheat day

So I nip out and fuck his wife.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross....

..."Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda'...

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE 8+ IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's it, no more vagina jokes allowed!

Period!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am able to suck my period blood back into my vagina...

Allow me to demenstruate.

The medical code of ethics is way too strict. Apparently, I’m not allowed to marry a patient even if we’re in a consensual relationship.

I’m really starting to hate being a veterinarian.

If apple made a car would it have windows?

No, Microsoft wouldn’t allow it.

QUESTION: Are we allowed to make dead baby jokes here?

if so, I gotta swing home and grab one out of my freezer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college student walks up to a farmer asks:

"Excuse me Sir, I couldn't help but notice that on the far north end of you property, I saw some cottonwood trees.

Would it be okay if I go and harvest me a few bags?"

The farmer scratches his head and says "Everybody knows you can't get cotton from a cottonwood tree."

"Wel...

Romie couldn’t take his eyes off of Julie

and so one day he plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date. He told her to meet him at the new fancy Italian restaurant at 7pm.

Romie got their early and Julie arrived at bang on 7pm as agreed. They both walk in to the restaurant and the waiter takes them to a romantic table alone in ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scientist, a mathematician, and in idiot all die in a car wreck and go to Heaven.

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most c...

My dad had a rule that if we farted in the car we had to pay him 10 dollars out of our $100 monthly allowance.

He always got his ten per scent.

There was once a train driver

who loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this inci...

In a psych ward, a doctor decides to test if some of the patients were getting better.

He gathered them all in a big room, drew a motorcycle on a wall and said “The person who can start this motorcycle will be allowed to go free!”

All patients rushed to it, trying to start the engine, except one, who was just looking at them from a distance and giggling. The doctor approached ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Few Very Important Lessons You Will Learn Only After You Have Kids

A "King Style" water bed contains enough water to turn a 200 Sq m apartment into a 12 cm deep lake.

The voice of a 4 year old can deafen 200 normally talking adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you tie a dog leash to a room fan, the motor of the latter is not powerful enough to lift 23...

Daddy, am I allowed to go for a Bungee-Jump?

No way son! Your life began with a broken rubber. It shall not end the same way.

A girl with tight skirt tries to get on a bus....

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarras...

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When my girlfriend caught coronavirus I broke up with her.

The only micro-organism she's allowed to have inside of her is my penis.

Two guys are walking down the road with their dogs, one guy has a doberman and the other has a chihuahua, when they come across a restaurant

They want to go in but there's a sign on the door that says "no pets allowed - service dogs only". The guy with the doberman says, "don't worry I got this." He proceeds to put on a dark pair of sunglasses and walks inside.

The manager comes up to him and says, "sir, you can't have your dog in...

I wasn't allowed into the house party.

That's the last time I go to one dressed as a Jehovah's witness.

A blonde, redhead and brunette die and God appears before them

Mesmerized by their beauty (yes, he didn't create them ffs) he gives them a challenge. "For each step you take on the staircase to heaven, I will tell a dark joke. If you laugh, then you will fall straight to hell. Otherwise, despite all your sins, I will let you enter the gates of heaven".

A...

I had no idea I wasn't allowed to remove body parts from the morgue until the mortician told me.

When he said it, I was takin' a back.

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met an old hunter once...

He told me the story of how he was gazelle hunting alone in Africa, when all of a sudden a lion appeared whilst he was taking a piss.

“I confronted the beast” he said “and just when I knew the time was right, I pulled up my pants, turned around and ran to my truck. As the lion started chasing...

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A boy and his dog

A young man walks into a bar, followed closely by a large ball of black hair. The bartender looks at him and says "We dont allow dogs in here!"

The young man responds, "That's not a dog, it's a wooleybugger."

"What's a woolybugger?" quips the bartender.

"Come outside and I'll s...

My doctor told me I had to stop heavy drinking.

"Why?" I asked.

"Because there are no drinks allowed during checkups."

You didn’t even allow that sink to come in for one minute.

_Let that sink in for a minute._

A monocle walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and gr...

Two doctors sitting on a bench at the park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:
- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong
- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia
- I have to disagree with you, that dragging of the...

The Baby Brother

For weeks a six-year old boy kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped tell...

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My therapist asked me to write letters to the people who have wronged me and then set them on fire.

I wrote it and set them on fire. Now what should I do with the letters?

P.S: Not OC. Taken from r/AskRedditAfterDark. As I was not allowed to crosspost posting as OC.

I'm scared of 5G

It will only allow idiots to spread their conspiracy theories faster.

Why aren't people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV.

Because of the telly ban

My School doesn’t allow blacks

Can’t believe the dress code here

So singing some rap songs with my black friends in the car and they are picking on me because as a white guy I am not allowed to say the n word when it pops up in the songs.

But jokes on them, I can say a lot of other words that they can’t.
Like “thank you officer have a nice day.”
And also “happy birthday uncle dad”

I was in the supermarket the other day with my fiance

I was in the supermarket the other day with my fiancee and pointed out a guy who had lowered his mask to pick his nose.

Her: "You're allowed to take your mask off to eat."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends are walking their dogs--a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua--when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat."

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us."

So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

"Sorry," says the owner,...

Why did the physics teacher only allow 3 VIPs to his party?

Because he only wanted 3 significant figures.

The Exam

Three Highschool Sr's decided to blow off their final exam for their logic class, and spend the day getting wasted.

When they returned to class the next day they explained to the professor that they were unable to get to class the day before due to a flat tire and no cell phone coverage in th...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.


Joe ...

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Three men for and go to Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates they're greeted by Saint Peter

Saint Peter: I will let you into heaven if you can show me a spirit of Christmas

The first man pulls out a leaf from his pocket and says "this represents the Christmas tree"

He is allowed into heaven

The second man pulls ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man was feeling horny, but the nursing home he was in never allowed any of the residents to be left alone with one another...

One day the nursing home manager announced that all the residents would be going out on a day trip and all but a couple of the nurses and staff would be going too. This was his chance!

The old man had his eye on a particular lady resident and he took her to one side and told her that if she ...

Why did the vulture get kicked off the plane?

They didn’t allow carrion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

FDA No longer allows patients to be prescribed laxatives and medicinal marijuana

Apparently you need to either shit, or get off the pot.

Three guys are walking their dogs and they see a bar

"I could really go for a drink," says the first guy. The two other guys agree, but as they get closer to the bar they see that there are no dogs allowed inside.

"I guess we can't go in, as there is nowhere to tie up our dogs," the second guy says.

"That's where you're wrong," the first...

Men aren't allowed to celebrate Christmas

It's Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve

Donald Trump goes to hell

Upon his arrival, the Devil greets him warmly and with an especially big smile on his face.

Devil:”Donald Trump, welcome to hell! I had an especially difficult time selecting your eternal punishment, and so for a treat I’m going to allow you to choose one one three doors and take the place o...

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John owned a Pizzeria with his buddy Harry.

But John wasn't satisfied with only making pizza every day. He wanted to study and walk a different path in life. So he decided to get back to school.

He told his buddy Harry that he would go see a consultant to talk about which subjects he should study.

The next day he went to meet wi...

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Three old ladies

Three old ladies had just passed away and stood outside the gates to heaven speaking to the Almighty One. He looked at the three of them sternly and said: "If you're gonna be here, you should know that we only have one single rule here in heaven, but that one rule is extremely strict! You may NEVER,...

A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

A man and his wife went fishing one day. As they were fishing, they spotted the Coast Guard coming towards them.

Wife: "Honey, we caught four fish, and we are only allowed three, so lets throw one back into the sea."

Husband: "Are you mad, woman, that's our food for tonight. Take one fish and hide it in your panties."

wife: "And what about the smell???"


Husband: "Just block the fish'...

Whats the deadliest shape that no one is allowed to talk about?

Tiananmen Square

Do you know that there is an invention that allows people to walk through walls?

It's called a door.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Day at the University

I posted a joke that gained some popularity before getting deleted for breaking the rules of the community. As there are people who ask me what the joke was, I'll try to reformulate it so that it complies with the rules.

Carrynegie Melon University, Penisylvania. Prof. Mary Armstrong gives a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An angel is making his rounds on earth, when he comes across a pair of statues in a park, beautiful nude sculptures of a man and woman facing eachother..

They are placed at the entrance to the park, and the angel is stuck by how beautiful they are, and how tragic it is for then to be eternally so close, yet unable to touch. He decides he will use some of his power to animate them, and in an instant they stand before him.

"I have seen how dilig...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Mexican Immigrant Wants to Cross the Border

There is a guard waiting at the border, who tells hi to go home, as he is not allowed to pass. The Mexican man refuses to leave so he sits beside the guard for over 4 hours. The guard, who has given up, tells the man that if he can use the words green, pink, and yellow in a sentence, he can pass. Co...

How did the police officer find out?

A group of 4 friends were driving home one night through the country road near their home after a late night of partying and debauchery. As they drove through the twisty, poorly lit roads they struck a pig that had escaped its pasture.

Although the pig ran off seemingly with just a limp, the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men die and go to heaven

So, they are waiting outside of the gates of heaven, when a flustered St Peter appears.

He loudly announces that due to overpopulation in heaven, only people who died in tragic ways will be allowed in until further notice.

A look of concern washes over the faces of some of the people ...

If you could bring a suitcase to heaven

An old rich man is nearing the end of his life. He has started many charity organizations and has always been generous to the poor, but he never really felt like he found any purpose to his life, so he decides to attend a Christian congregation one Sunday. The minister gave a lesson entitled, 'If yo...

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

One day my friend saw a gorgeous woman trying to jump off a cliff...

He approached her and asked what she was doing.
“I don’t want to live. I want to end my life.”
“Well, if you have decided that you will end your life, give me atleast one kiss?”
“Okay.”
And they kissed! It was the best kiss of his life and he was europhic.
“But why a pretty woman like...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys are on a bus going to prison. Each of them were allowed to bring 1 item from home.

3 guys are on a bus going to prison. Each of them were allowed to bring 1 item from home.

They're discussing what they are bringing with them to prison. The first guy says "well, I bought a deck of cards. I figure I can play solitaire when I'm bored, I can gamble to make money in there, and l...

No sergeants allowed

It's a Private party.

Why are you not allowed to write anything in r/harrypotter today?

No Post on Sundays

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When sh...

I have a special ability that allows me to see everything that happens next year.

I call it 2020 vision.

3 men venture into the forest and come upon a cannibal tribe.

The cannibals capture the three men and bring him to their leader.

King cannibal: I will allow you to leave without being eaten if you can complete my challenge. Find 10 fruits in the forest, and bring them back. Then you will hear it.

The men leave, get their fruits. The first back b...

PROMOTION

Employee: Sir, I hope it’s okay that I replace the former manager who just died.
Boss: I’m totally fine with it. But maybe the funeral home won’t allow it.

Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

"Hey lady," says the ...

An old protective father and his daughters who want dates

Jeremiah is your typical protective farmer and father. He has three daughters, all who’d like to date men but he has never allowed it. Now that they’re all above 18, he decides it’s time to allow them to go on their first dates.

As he sits on his porch, waiting, shotgun in hand around 7:00 PM...

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