UPJOKE
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Is this allowed here?

Stephen Colbert: “Are you afraid of artificial intelligence taking over?”

Ricky Gervais: “I’d love for any intelligence to take over.”

As leader of the USSR, Gorbachev was allowed to conduct weddings

He liked to keep them brief:

Gorbachev: You want to marry her?

Groom: Da

Gorbachev: You want to marry him ?

Bride: Da

Gorbachev: Then so be it.

He was a master of the So-be-it union

Why is reverse cowgirl not allowed in Alabama?

Because you never turn your back on family.

A man decided to join a monastery where you were only allowed to say two words every 10 years

After 10 years in the monastery the head monk summons’ him and says ‘You’ve been with us for 10 years. What two words would you like to say.’

The monk replies ‘I’m hungry’, so the head monk organises for an extra ration be given to him each day.

After 20 years the head monk calls him i...

The bartender says "No time travelers allowed in this bar"

Two time travelers walk into a bar

From my 7-year-old: What room are zombies not allowed in?

The living room.

No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

I recently heard that Turkeys aren't allowed to play baseball.

No matter how many times they hit, they'll always hit Fowl balls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can the mods of this sub do a better job of monitoring who is allowed in here please?!

We have a new member, an elderly woman. She's been privately messaging people, sending them naked pictures of herself in nasty poses along with close ups of her unmentionables. She is offering an Iphone 11 in exchange for sexual favors. I am especially bothered because it turned out to be an Iphone ...

Why do soldiers need to ask every time if they are allowed into battle?

It's permission

why aren't fish allowed online

They always get hooked on the inter net

Fun fact: It is confirmed that monks are allowed to use email.

Just as long as there are no attachments.

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The Miami Marlins are no longer allowed to use the pain relief product Bengay in their clubhouse.

They must only use Benstraight from now on.

Swedish government is not allowing the aircraft carrier Admiral Kuznetsov in their territorial waters

The main issues seem to be related to the working conditions of the rowers.

A little-known college basketball rule is that players are not allowed to own more than five pet chickens.

They will be ejected from a game if they have more than five personal fowls.

Why did they not allow a pony to sing a song?

.

.

.

Because she was a little horse.

Did you hear about the guy who travelled to Czechoslovakia and wasn't allowed to leave for a long long time?

Poor guy. They made a movie about him: 12 Years A Slav.

If you clone the president of the United States that's allowed

If you clone him twice that's also allowed

But if you clone him a third time ...

That's four-Biden

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?” The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says “Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved” Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off to get the ma...

Why was baby shark not allowed to be an altar boy?

Because its mouth has too many teeth to doo doo doo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call boobs that everyone is allowed to touch?

Communititties

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Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

Why is Trump no longer allowed in the White House?

Cause it's for-Biden.

Do they allow laughing in Hawaii?

Or just a low ha

My husband said I'm not allowed to make shortbread any longer.

Because then it would be longbread.

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.

"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.

"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.

"Then where are the other 11 kids?"

"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

We cannot allow this year to end

That would be admitting that 2021

My baseball team don't allow anyone to wear Adidas.

Three stripes and you're out.

A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this wou...

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A lawyer boards a plane and takes his seat in business class.

A few moments later, two more men wander in and sit next to him. They get to chatting and he discovers they are doctors.

After a few moments, one of the doctors comments that he needs a drink.

"It's ok, I'll get it for you," says the lawyer, and gets up. The doctors notice he has take...

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

The wife says I'm no longer allowed to help in our search for a new apartment as my suggestions are always "disgusting".

In my defence, the last place I found was in a great location in the centre of town and it did say "TO LET".

How was I supposed to know the "I" had fallen off?

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."...

Why are color blind people not allowed to join the Air Force?

Because they won’t know who they’re supposed to bomb.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

Once upon a time there was a Bulgarian train driver

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.

Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over th...

I have a perfect gambling strategy that will allow you to walk out of any casino with a small fortune. It works every time

All you have to do is walk into the casino with a large fortune.

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There was once a Japanese man named Fuk

Perhaps due to his unfortunate name, and the trouble it brought, he had a great love of alcohol, particularly the rice wine Sake. Every day he would drink an entire bottle from his special stash that was rumoured to contain hundreds upon hundreds of bottles.

Tragedy struck however, upon finis...

Before women were allowed in court...

We probably had more hung juries

I think I want to become a pilot because it will allow my to conquer my greatest fear:

Dying alone.

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

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Three Nuns approach their abbess...

The three Nuns tell the abbess that they do not want to be nuns anymore. The abbess is a little disappointed, but allows their decision to go ahead. "Alright," she begins, "If you don't want to be nuns anymore... Go out and commit a crime, come back afterwards, and drink from the holy water. After t...

Did you know Gregorian monks aren't allowed to make puns?

They cant

Are you allowed to send an email to a friend in prison?

you can do that, but you are not allowed to attach a file.

I asked a monk if they were allowed to send emails

He said yes as long as there are no attachments

Three strings want to go into a bar But there is a sign on the door that says, “No strings allowed.”

The first string says, “I got this.” He walks into the bar, jumps up on a stool and says, “I’ll take a beer.”

The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you a string? Get out of my bar!”

So the string goes back out side.

The second string says, “Don’t worry I got this.” He walks into t...

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

Eminem isn't allowed to get the full COVID vaccine

He only gets one shot

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and be glad that you're alive?

Apparently, I did and won’t be allowed on Hawaiian Airlines again...

Why does the military only allow dress shirts at its ceremonies?

Because civilian casual tees are unacceptable.

Why was France not allowed to join AUKUS?

Because FAUKUS wouldn't sound right to scare China.

It's a very busy day in heaven, so God tells the angel at the gate to only allow people in who've had a terrible last day on earth.

The angel calls the first guy up, and asks him how his last day on earth was. "Horrible! My last day on earth was the worst in my life! I came home from work early, because I was suspecting that my wife was cheating on me, and when I went into my house I saw her naked in bed! I checked all the cupbo...

It's tough looking for a rental that allows pets

No one seems to have the right claws in the contract.

A pastor walked by a ranch when he noticed a sign, "Christian Horse for Sale"

Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.

The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion.

He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a "test run."

The Pastor grabbed the reins. "giddyap." Th...

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I wasn't allowed to join the Trump campaign because I was circumcised.

Apparently, you need to be a complete dick.

A Higgs-Boson walks into a church, only to be stopped by a priest at the door. "I'm very sorry but we don't allow Higgs-Boson in here."

The Higgs-Boson then replies, "But without me, how will you have mass?"

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me a...

The monocle joke

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

One store now allows its employees to say whatever they want to say to their customers.

It’s called retailiation.

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

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A man is drunk at a bar

After finally deciding to go home to his wife, he promptly vomits all over his shirt. He becomes worried his wife will be angry at him for allowing himself to get so drunk. Thankfully, his friend at the bar comes to his aid;
“Here, take this $10 bill. Tell your wife some guy threw up on your...

Why did the guy who can't spell very well get excited when he read about the new law that was passed allowing increased grain exports from women-owned companies?

Because they were barley legal.

You’re not allowed to use ‘beef-stew’ as a password.

It’s not stroganoff.

I was trying to come up with a joke about restraining orders.

But this is as close as I’m allowed to get.

Did you hear they just passed a law that you aren’t aloud to laugh out loud in Hawaii?

They only allow A low ha

I need help with a 17 year old joke about Jello and Communism

So my friend and I started this game 17 years ago where you have to come up with a jello (we altered the rules to allow *some* pastries) that fit a communist theme.

Everytime we come up with a new one we swear there are none left. I know he cheats, cos I cheat too. My sister came up with Ban...

I don't think women should be allowed to have kids after 40

40 kids is way too much by any standard!

The warden only allowed boys who did a good deed that day to eat supper in the hostel dining room.



During their induction she taught them what were considered good deeds - running an errand for someone, helping an old lady cross the road, teaching other students things they don't understand and the like are examples of good deeds and should be rewarded, she explained.

The young bo...

Two men and a blonde are the next 3 up on death row

The warden approaches the first man and asks him which way he would like to go. “The firing squad, electric chair, or hanging?” The man thinks about what the best way to go would be and after some thing he chooses the chair. After being brought into the room, the operator flips the switch and after ...

Why isn’t American allowed back in Afghanistan

We’re talibanned

I'm not allowed to share the recipe for the bread we have at the Indian restaurant.

It's a naan disclosure agreement.

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald’s.

He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup...

Why does the cop's wife not allow him to turn the tv off?

Because he shoots at it every time the screen turns black.

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A woman was reading Cosmo next to her husband…

“Walter,” she said.

Walter grunted; she continued “Let me read you this hot sex tip I just read in Cosmo. I think we should try it.”

“Girls, you know your boy toy has fun with you in the bedroom, and that he’s never going to complain. But even the hunkiest hunk can get tired of the...

Why did the Red Cross not allow Jesus and Muhammad to volunteer?

It’s a non-prophet organization.

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A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

To learn who rules over you, simply find out who you are not allowed to criticise.

We need to rise up against children with leukaemia

By the law you are not allowed to have a sick bird

That's ill-eagle

A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast ...

... when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

"Sir, are you aware it's not lobster season, and it's illegal to fish lobsters?"

"Me son," the Newfie said. "I didn't fish 'em. Deez lobsters are me pets."

"Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I'll ha...

I wanted to run for president of China, but apparently I'm not allowed to.

At least, that's what Xi said...

Why aren't people allowed to bbq naked during hot, dry climates?

High risk of Bush fires.

a man was in court, as he was accused of cannibalism…

The Jury was bought by the accusers claims and was ready for the session to be over, however due to formalities the judge was obligated to allow the dfendant one last shot.
His lawyer, realizing the terrible situation, stared at the judge with an intent look and said, “If you are what you eat, my...

Two women were fighting for the last available seat on the bus.

No amount of reasoning was helping the bus driver resolve the issue. In desperation he grabbed his training manual and announced:

'The policy is to allow the seat to go to the uglier one.'

Both women stood for the remainder of the trip.

Late

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due ...

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Do you know why they don't allow prostitutes on crew teams?

Because hoes are hard to row.

Follow the rules

A large corporation with expansive grounds interviewed a tribe of reformed cannibals for the outdoor maintenance positions. During the interview process, they were told, "You'll receive full benefits as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody, which would result in immediate dismissal and c...

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The fly

There was a fly hovering 12 inches above the water in a lake
A fish in the lake was watching the fly, knowing that if the fly drops six inches it could jump out of the water and catch it.
A bear hidden in the woods, was watching the fish that was watching the fly knowing that if the fly drops ...

Why is getting high in Netherlands is allowed ?

So that they can be level with rest of the world.

News: Pope says men are now allowed to date nuns

...So long as they don't get into the habit.

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A plane is spotted trying to land at Area 51.

One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base. The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards. The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Veg...

A Muslim, a Hindu and a lawyer are travelling through the desert…

They’ve tried to make good time in their travels, but find that night will fall before they can make it to the next town. Luckily they find a farm nearby, and they ask the farmer if they can stay for the night. When he agrees, not wanting to impose too much, they set their sleeping rolls in his barn...

I Won't Allow Anyone to Insult Helen Keller's Accomplishments.

If you say she only became famous due to blind luck, your claim shall fall on deaf ears.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man badly wanted to lick the princess' boobs.

He decided to ask his friend Johnny, who works in the palace. He promised 2,000 gold coins to Johnny, he agreed instantly with the deal.


A few days later, Johnny goes and sprinkles itching powder on the princess' bra while she was taking a bath. The plan worked successfully, when the pr...

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain...

In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

The russian general secretary, Leonid Brezhnev, calls in the head of the FSB, Sergey Beseda.

Leonid says "How many Ukrainian born citizens do we have in the russian federation?"
Sergey says "About 5 million."
Leonid says "How many do you think would leave if allowed to?"
Sergey says "About 50 million."

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

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A Frenchman, Englishman and an Australian go exploring in the jungle.

After some time they come across a beautiful lake. They all decide to go swimming. Afterwards as they leave the crystal clear water they are captured by the local tribe and brought before the chief.

The chief looks at them and says "All 3 of you were caugh swimming in our sacred waters, this ...

As an ex-archer myself, I had always wondered, why aren't we allowed to shoot into the crowd?

Then, it hit me.

I asked my mom to allow me to cook.

She said "Sure. The flour is all yours."

Bye.

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One day a group of terrorists took over a small village...

I fully acknowledge I first read this joke on Reddit many years ago. But since I haven't seen it posted in a long time, and it's been one of my favorite jokes, I'll give my best retelling of it-

So one day a group of terrorists took over a small village in the middle east. And being the evi...

Why do Jewish guys get circumcized?

Because Jewish girls aren't allowed to eat cheese with their meat.

3 Dudes were riding a motorbike

A police officer stops them and asks them,

Officer: Hey, 3 fellows arent allowed on a single motorbike. The limit is 2.

Guy driving the motorbike: WTF!!! where's the 4th Guy!?!?!??!

What did the chefs say when they allow the cheese to be shred?

Parmesan grated.

Who is the only ISP allowed in the Wizarding World?

AOwL

In Israel, why is it that only men are allowed to make coffee?

Because of *Hebrew* law

Putin dies and goes to hell....

Because of good behaviour he is allowed out for a few days and goes to Moscow, where he visits a bar. He orders a shot of vodka and asks:

\- Is Crimea ours?

\> Belongs to us.

\- And Donbas and Kiev?

\>Ours!

\- Perfect. How much is that?

\> Five euro...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

A pair of hunters went moose hunting and chartered a small plane to carry them.

At the end of the day, they had bagged six moose and were abou to load them in the plane.

The pilot disagreed with them, saying the plane could only take four safely.

The hunters argued, saying that last year, the pilot had allowed them to carry all six onboard on the same plane.
...

People who misspell “effect” for “affect” shouldn’t be allowed to exist.

As you can tell, this effects me deeply:)

A Canadian couple made province-shaped cookies

A baker in Canada thought it would be fun to bake cookies that were each in the shapes of Canada's provinces and territories.

"These look delicious," said her husband.

"Thanks!" she said. "And don't worry, I've made some of each shape so you're able to eat them."

"What do you me...

Santa Claus will be allowed to go out and deliver presents without speading Covid-19

He has spent the last year in the North Pole in Ice-olation

Putin

It was in the news recently that Putin was visiting a school in Moscow to promote the nations power on the world wide stage.
The children were allowed to ask questions before lunch.

Little Alina speaks up and says to Putin...

“I have two questions”

“Why did Russia take Crim...

Being called a "snack" or a "tall drink of water" is all fun and games

Until your partner leaves you outside the movie theater because no "outside food or drink is allowed".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Joins A Monastery, And Takes A Vow Of Silence, Only Allowed To Say Two Words Every Christmas

Every day, they grow their own food and maintain the monastery, all while silently praying.

On the first Christmas, he goes to the abbot and says, "Food's cold." The abbot nods and blesses him.

On the second Christmas, he tells the abbot, "Work's hard." The abbot nods and blesses him....

A passenger brings his pet hawk onto the plane.

The flight attendant stops him and says he can’t bring that on this flight.

Passenger informs the flight attendant he has a permit, a ticket and permission from the airline to bring the bird.

The flight attendant says “No, not the bird, I mean that bag with two dead mice.”

Passe...

Why is it if banks have become so smart that they can allow you to deposit a check from a picture,

but they won't let you do the same thing with a picture of cash?

Long ago...

Long ago a kingdom in medieval Europe had instituted a 3 strike law in regards to the amount of divorces a person was allowed to be granted.

The law states that if someone wanted to marry beyond their 3rd divorce, they would have to give up a body part in order for the marriage to become off...

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My girlfriend left me last week, so I posted all the nudes she ever sent me onto r/nudes.

The mods removed them though as they go against the rules.

They don't allow reposts.

Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleve...

Three old men are lounging in chairs on the beach in the French Riviera.

One of them says, "I had a business but it burned to the ground. With the insurance money I was able to retire here."

Another said, "Well that's a coincidence. I had a business that had a gas leak and blew up and the insurance money allowed me to retire here."

The third guy said, "You'...

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Where did you last have sex?

A man calls into a radio station contest to win two tickets to Hawaii. He gets through and the DJs tell him the rules. The DJs are going to ask him a question and then call his wife and ask her the same question. If their answers match then the couple win the tickets. The man acknowledges the rules ...

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How is Putin like Hitler's father?

They both should have pulled out sooner.
___

I think of it as a Dad Joke, even though, this is more of a r/riddle. They don't allow political ones, there. Sorry.

The Secret Sevice is not allowed to tell the president to “get down”

If there is a crisis they have to say “Donald, Duck!”

r/Jokes won't allow you to sort by new anymore...

Since everything is made of 100% recycled content.

A German girl married a Spanish man & went to Spain but she didn’t speak spanish. Each time she wanted to buy chicken legs, she would lift her skirt up & show her thighs to allow the seller to understand.This went on for some time.

One day she wanted to buy sausages, so she made her husband go to the store with her. He then asked for sausages as he spoke spanish.

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What is the maximum speed allowed for sex?

68
Because at 69 you roll over

Donald Trump says to Mike Pence, "The less immigrants we allow in, the better."

Pence says, "The fewer".

Trump says, "I told you not to call me that yet."

I’m in Ireland for St. Patrick’s day and asked for an Irish Car Bomb.

The bartender began berating me about how much of an uncultured American I am, how I shouldn’t even be allowed to drink with the Irish, and really ripping into me because I got the name wrong. Apparently in Ireland the drink is called a 9/11.

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

Why was Rembrandt not allowed to by new art supplies?

He was too Baroque

Three nuns died in a fiery bus crash....

St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates and welcomed them to heaven. "Welcome, my dear sisters. We are glad to have you here, but unfortunately, we are having some issues with restructuring at the moment, so all souls that come here for the next week will be allowed to live a week in the life of a pe...

You are allowed to have a bad day.

You've given us plenty so keep one for yourself.

Men develop a type based on their favorite Disney princess.

I had a friend who was really into Cindarella and exclusively dates blonde women. Another loved snow white and is married to a woman with obsidian black hair. I was really into The Little Mermaid and that's why I am not allowed into the Fish Market anymore.

I really love animals.

Unfortunately, I’m no longer allowed within 500 feet of a petting zoo… or a taxidermist.

Thanks to the pandemic, only six of the seven dwarves are allowed to meet up this Christmas...

None of them is Happy.

Did you hear about the judge who gave a jaywalker a very long sentence?

"Jaywalking laws require that pedestrians obey traffic control signals unless otherwise instructed by law enforcement which, in addition to traffic signals, jaywalking laws dictate how pedestrians may legally cross the street when no signals are present and though many states require that pedestrian...

What kind of jokes are allowed during the quarantine?

Inside jokes

What did farmer say when his wife didn't allow him to buy a prized cow?

That it was a big missed-steak

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