What do you call a boat that doesn't allow criticism?

A censor-ship

Anti vaxx jokes allow dead baby jokes to live on.

Unlike the non vaccinated kids.

The interactive Black Mirror episode wouldn't allow the therapist to show her genitals on camera.

Banned her snatch.

So I figured out why so many religions don't allow women to have multiple partners.

It's because they're holey

Apparently there's a business that allows you to interview in a tank top

I might invest.

Don't ever allow someone to tell you what you can or cannot do

Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.

The Bartender said: "Sorry we dont allow time travelers here"

A time traveler walks into a bar

Did you hear about the rental boat that didn't allow dogs or women on board?

It was called the Cat-or-a-Man Catamaran.

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

When Louis Armstrong was a child, he was colorblind, a doctor asked him if he wanted to do this experimental surgery to allow him to see colors. After the procedure, they ask him what does he see, he tells them...

I see trees of green, and red roses too.

Donald Trump says to Mike Pence, "The less immigrants we allow in, the better."

Pence says, "The fewer".

Trump says, "I told you not to call me that yet."

Why do the Irish only allow 239 beans in each can?

Even adding just one more would make it too farty.

Starting this Thursday, some movie theaters will not allow large bags inside the theater

But thank God I have a few twix up my sleeve

I'm all for women who get plastic surgery. Because plastic surgery allows you to make your outer appearance resemble your inner appearance.

Fake.

Credit - Daniel Tosh

The tiny door to the magic castle was barely big enough to crawl through. It was carved with a half-lion, half-eagle, and guarded by a fearsome raven that would only allow you to pass if you breathed on its foot...

So basically you had to huff n puff on the raven claw then slither in the griffon door.

Allow me to be perfectly Frank...

...because I haven't quite mastered being George yet.

Why did the rookie technician allow a German zeppelin to fly over Allied airspace?

It was just a blimp on the radar.

Dad invented a device which allows people to see through doors

He called them "windows"

What do you call the aspect of pasta that allows it to stab you?

The penne trait

A revolutionary new product allows fathers to share a mother's pain during labour.

Mr Smith is happy to try it out and help his pregnant wife, and when the special day arrives, he tells the nurse to strap him up.

"Mr Smith, you are a very brave man. The machine has 10 settings, starting at the very manageable level 1, and going up to level 10, which will give you all of yo...

This new credit card I applied for allows me to pick the security question they ask me and the answer I give them

So whenever I call them they have to ask me, "What are you wearing?" and I have to answer them, "I don't think that's appropriate!"

Credit: Eugene Mirman from "The Absurd Nightclub Comedy of Eugene Mirman"

Today I put a new lens on my camera that allows me to take photos of farts.

It's called flatulence.

Sorry, I'm a dad.

Some religions allow men to have more than one wife.

But they fail to mention that it comes with more than one mother-in-law.

My local park doesn't allow wheeled vehicles inside.

Today a group of people are protesting this rule by driving a huge cart through the park. At first I didn't like the idea but I changed my mind and jumped on the banned wagon.

I'm not allows on airplanes anymore

I'm always photobombing

Hospitals should allow assisted suicide.

They'd make a killing.

Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture to board his flight?

#Because of the horrible stench coming from his carrion luggage.

*I deserve any and all insulting comments I will get for this joke, I make no excuses for myself and should probably be ashamed.*

*edit: thank you for the gold benevolent stranger. :-)*

My job allows working from home but I still go to office

I like the idea of surrounding myself with some company

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did God allow women to get yeast infections?

So they could know what it was like to live with an irritating cunt sometimes..

Too bad they won't allow dogs to graduate highschool.

They're just K-9.

"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos here" said the bartender.

A neutrino walked into a bar.

Allow me to sum up the 90's for you.

90+91+92+93+94+95+96+97+98+99=945

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.

He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink.

“I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.

“That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies.

The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole.

“Oh God. I’m sorry. H...

A French man, a British man and a Spanish man are caught stealing in a foreign country.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed.

The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests ...

"We're happy to announce NASA's newest mission will allow us to LITERALLY touch our own Sun!"

"Before we continue, please welcome our strangely-excited sponsors, the Catholic Church!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Psychology professor starts off his lecture by telling his students.

"Today we'll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage."

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

"Hello, may I please speak to Dave?" says the professor when the other person answers.

"No...

A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash...

They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused.
"My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free o...

First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

God allows animals to ask him one question...

The giraffe: God why do I have this long neck?
God: to be able to get the finest leaves.

The rihno: why is my skin so heavy and thick?
God: because your skin is your armor and its role is to protect you from your enemies.

The chicken: I don't care, so please don't even try explai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My principal doesn't allow guns in school...

...So i had to put on a long sleeve shirt

Due to severe overpopulation, God now only allows people who have died terrible deaths to enter Heaven.

WAs God waits near a gate, he is approached a man, where God immediately asks him, "How did you die?".

The man replied, "Well you see, I have always suspected that my wife was cheating on me for at least a few years now. I came home one day to my apartment to see her lying naked in bed, and w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Four

A couple of women were playing golf one afternoon. One of the two teed off and watched as her ball headed directly toward a group of guys playing the next hole.

The ball struck one of the men, and he immediately fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woma...

Did you know that your local graveyard doesn't allow anyone who lives where you are to be buried there....

....As they need to be dead first

China has revised its on child per family rule. It will now allow parents to have two children.

Chinese parents were so excited, they let their kids have the day off work.

You know why /r/jokes doesn't allow pictures?

thatsthejoke.jpg

There once was a farmer who loves tractors. He would go into this shop and stare at this beautiful bright red tractor for hours on end.

The manager would come up to him and say “sorry we’re closing” and the farmer would ask for just 10 more minutes to stare at the tractor. The manager would allow it and keep the shop open a little longer to accommodate his obsession.

The next day, the farmer walks in and stares in awe at the ...

Two gentlemen meet for a duel...

The first gentleman, who challenged the other after being humiliated, is a man of honor. "I am the one who has challenged you. As such, I shall allow you to choose our weapons." He opens a case with two swords and two guns. "Would you like to duel with swords, or guns?"

The second gentleman i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW An Aussie ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand

An Australian ventriloquist is driving through New Zealand. His car breaks down and he has to walk to the nearest farm.

He gets to the farm and asks the farmer if he can use the phone. The farmer agrees, and the Australian calls for a mechanic.The mechanic is going to take a couple of hour...

While visiting England, Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Teresa May and says, "Madam, Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

...

There's furniture items that allow SFW swearing.

That's sofa king nice.

Reasons to allow drinking at work

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what managem...

What happens if you take a popular website, add a dash of censorship, and allow the discretionary system of control to be based on the biases of individuals...

[This post is locked. You won't be able to comment.]

What is the name of Apple's revolutionary new product that allows elite pirates to see from their eyepatches.

The iEyeCaptain

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Voodoo Dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

A mortician was working late one night.

He was examining the body of a Mr.  Schwartz,  about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.   
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It ...

Why should the Roman Catholic Church allow priests to marry?

They would have a more detailed understanding of what Hell is actually like.

What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Not, not "Argh." Too obvious.

Not the "C" either. Everyone has heard that one.

"Without a P he's irate hahahahaha!" Blah blah blah. Nope.

Give up?

A letter of marque. It makes his profession semi legitimate, provides for a legal way to store his wealth in his homeland, an...

Courtesy of The Legendary Ken M; The ideal superpower is invisibility...

Because it allows you to keep an unseen lookout for perverts in the women's locker room.

Two men are playing teeing off during a round of golf.

Two men are teeing off during a round of golf when one of the men hooks his shot horribly right into a large area of brush.

"Tough luck that ones a goner, my friend."

"Not a problem! Give me just a second and I will find it and be right back."

The golfer trudges off the fairway...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Chinese torture!

One day a fine young man got lost in the woods. He wandered around a lot and couldn't get his bearings. He finally wandered into a hill on which was the house of a Chinese man. The man begged the CN to give him shelter for the night. The CN took pity on the man and agreed to allow him to spend the n...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was once a woman with 90 children.

She had so many children that she decided, instead of giving them normal names, she would give them numbers. So the oldest was named One, and the youngest was named Ninety
One day, while everyone was asleep, a fire broke out in their house. Luckily, Ninety was able to wake up and flee the house u...

Apparently the majority of The United Arab Emirates don't allow The Flintstones to be shown...

However Abu Dhabi do.

A man attends the funeral of an old friend

He sees the grieving widow and asks if he could say a word. The widow allows it, and the man stands up and yells “PLETHORA!”

The widow looks up at him and with a smile says “thank you, that means a lot.”

When do Catholics allow the use of condoms?

When the choir boys have diarrhea.

A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking t...

Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle h...

A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity"

"Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"It's that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"Not really, but the desire will disappear."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree.

He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

     "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

     "Boy," is the man's response.

     "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows u...

Three best friends stumble upon a genie lamp.

As a joke, the first one begins to rub it, and all three are surprised when a genie pops out in full Arabian gear. The genie eyes all three of the awestruck men and nods regally.

"I am a Jinn of the Somali. As you have allowed me to see the outside world once again, I shall grant each of you ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple comes home to find their kitchen completely bare.

All their fixtures and appliances are missing. Suddenly they hear a knock at the door.

They open the door to find their oven waiting on the porch. It begins to speak, "I have come to life and have cooked you both your favourite meals!"

They let their now-living oven back into the hous...

An American Major arrives at an isolated military base...

... He is quizzing a private.

"Where is the lieutenant?"

"Sir there is no lieutenant assigned to this post."

"I was told there was".

"No there isn't".

"I'm quite sure there is".

The soldier thinks for a moment and says, "Well Major. Allow me to ask a questio...

Alex Jones dies and meets Jesus at the pearly gates.

As they are waiting to see if God will allow Alex into heaven, Jesus says:

"Alex, while we wait you can ask me any question and I will answer it".

So Alex asks him, "who planned 9/11?"

And Jesus responds "Osama Bin Laden"

Alex goes " wow, this goes higher up than I though...

A Couple were walking down a stern at night.

As they were walking, they pass by a house that seemed exceptionally quiet and dreary. The windows were pitch black, the chimney was spewing black smog, and the front door had darkness spilling from all edges. The husband was very curious as to why this house was so unnaturally dark, so went to the ...

A man with an alligator walks in a bar

He tells the bartender he’s a street performer and would like to perform. The bartender is curious about his act so he allows it. The man stands up holding his gator and a jar and announces to the bar that he won’t start until his jar is full of money. The people in the bar are also curious about hi...

A woman walks past a pet store and sees a beautiful parrot on display.

She looks at the price. $20. She asks the store clerk as to why the parrot was so cheap.

"Well, you see, the parrot used to belong to a grizzled old sailor who swore a lot. He has quite a vocabulary but a rather foul mouth."

She stares at the bird. Realizing just how good a dea...

An audience with the Pope

An ordinary guy gets an audience with the Pope. The Pope decides it would be good to hear the opinion of a regular person so he he asks the guy, "My son, do you think we should allow our priests to marry?" The man thinks about it for a while and then replies "I do, Father. Only then will they know t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Usain Bolt goes to join a golf club.

And he goes to one place, but he doesn't realise that it hasn't changed since the days when segregation was acceptable, and doesn't allow black people to be members. So he goes up to the reception and says, "Hi, I'd like to join this golf club."

"I'm sorry, sir", says the receptionist, "but I...

A monk walks into a data center

And says to the owner, "Great things will come to you if you allow me to store my R.E.A.P device here."
The owner, confused, asks what a R.E.A.P device is. The monk smiles and writes a little note to the man that states: "It doesn't matter what it is but you will get great karma for R.E.A.P Hosti...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The government reveals their new logo today....

The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.

I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while bein...

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three colonists come to the new world... NSFW

They are captured soon after they arrive by Native Americans. The Natives want to kill the colonists, but the colonists beg for their lives. They allow the colonists to live, but on one condition. The Native Americans then tell the colonists that each of them need to find a fruit and come back with ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose. “Why not?” asked the man. “Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor. “But I need it really bad,” said the man. “Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor. The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife...

A man walks into a bar with his dog

The bartender says: "sorry sir, but we don't allow dogs here"

The man replies: "wait, my dog is special. You see, he can talk"

The bartender is doubtful, so the man turns to his dog and says: "alright buddy, what goes on top of a house?"

The dog replies: "Roof!"

The man a...

3 guys at the gate of hevean

So 3 guys died and now are standing next to the enterence gate of hevean. St.Peter says “we are running out of space, so we only allow in people with the best deaths. You will have to tell me how you died.
So the first guy is like “well i was suspecting my wife of cheating for a long time, so one...

Cats and Dogs

God was relieving St. Peter at the Pearly Gates one day when 2 dogs and a cat arrived.

God said to the first dog, a labrador, "Why should I allow you into heaven ?"

The dog replied "I was a loyal dog to my master and I drowned after I had saved his baby son in a flood"

"Excellen...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4 Nuns died in a car accident...

They stand before St. Peters at the pearly gates.

St Peter asks the first nun: Have you ever touched a penis?

The fist nun admit it: Yes, once, but only with the tip of my finger!

St Peter then tell the nun: Ok, put your finger in that holy water, then I'll let you pass.
...

Garden of Eden

It was the day of the judgement and God was really happy with what USA has done in its short time on earth. In fact God was so happy that it decided to allow all the presidents and first ladies in the garden of Eden for eternal happiness.

And so one by all presidents and first ladies present ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men climb the stairway to heaven.

At the top of the stairs is a train station, where a ticket man stops them. He explains to the men that souls may board a train from here that will take them the rest of the way up to heaven. However, the train runs on a schedule, and is nearly full.

"I'm sorry fellers" says the ticket man. <...

Stormy Daniels and queen Elizabeth died on the same day and both went to heaven

When they reached the gates of heaven, god greeted them and said “sorry ladies we only have room for one of you right now, please make your best case on why I should let you in.” Stormy Daniels thinks for a minute and lifts up her shirt and jumps around. Queen Elizabeth sees this, thinks about it an...

An ant knocked on the door of a house.

The house owner opened the door.

"I want a place to stay," said the ant.

"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free" said the owner.

Thankful, the ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.

After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested the
o...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

The bartender says "Hey, you can't have that dangerous animal in my bar".

So the man says "If I manage to prove you that the animal is safe, will you allow it?"

The bartender agrees to this and the man then proceeds to pull down his pants and puts his penis between the open mouth of ...

Manufacturer closes before Christmas

The town manufacturer moved their operations to another country, to pay lower wages. The people who worked in the town, lost their jobs and were suddenly thrust into poverty.

An entrepreneur heard about this situation. Joseph P Klanta was operating several manufacturing operations. His s...

So why do you think you qualify for this interrogation position?

Me: I posses expert knowledge on this topic that allows me to always discover the truth.

Interviewer: And what is that knowledge?

Me: Look at the hips

Interviewer: Why would that help?

Me: Hips don't lie

There's this guy that gets suicidal everytime one of his pets dies.

So he goes to a therapist to see if he can conquer the emotional response. After several sessions his therapist tells him to get a porpoise. They're normal lifespan will allow for him to pass on before the porpoise would.

He also tells the guy that he must feed this porpoise baby seagulls to ...

A Pittsburgh Man, Idaho Falls Man, and a Cleveland Man walk into a bar...

An Idaho Falls man, a Pittsburgh man, and a Cleveland man walk into a bar.

An atheist bartender asks the Idado Falls man what he's drinking.

"Water. The Idaho Falls man replies. "My God doesn't allow us to drink harmful substances."

The bartender replies, "God doesn't exist, b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."

"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."...

I have a conspiracy theory...

The government is spreading false rumors that aluminum-foil hats protect your brain from being scanned. aluminum foil is actually an antenna that allows them to get a better signal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A traditional british man is in a pub with his american friend

The pub allows indoor smoking and he asked his tourist friend "Mind if I blow a fag?"


The american tourist responds, "I thought you'd never ask me."


The brit lights a cigarrete and the American says "I'll meet you in the washroom."


He waited there all night.

A boy approaches the boarder with a birdcage.

Do you have your papers kid.

No, you have to let me in, my bird is sick.

Sorry kid, we don't allow ill-eagle immigrants into this country.

One of my grandpa’s favorite jokes to tell

One summer day two men are out walking their dogs

The first of the two men says “I could sure use a drink”

The second responds “there’s a bar right across the street” to which the first replies “they don’t allow dogs”

The second man says “watch and learn” and leads his dog into ...

My wife left me, so I posted all the nudes she ever sent me onto r/gonewild.

The mods removed them though as they go against the rules.

They don't allow reposts.

The European Commission decided to adopt English as their official language

The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. The Government of Ireland conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a gentleman living in a small village

Who had a stomach disorder that required him to drink the milk of a nursing mother.

Well, there weren't too many women in the village nursing babies and even fewer who would agree to allow a grown man to suck on their breast. But low and behold, the poor man finally found a rather buxom you...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Scientist, Mathematician, and an Idiot are in a car. Crashing into a tree, all three die. They are sent to purgatory, where the Devil is waiting.

(Of course, the idiot was driving)

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist ...

Peter Pan and Captain Hook agree to a truce. (LONG)

After years upon years of fighting, kidnapping/fairynapping, and pilfering, the two rivals decide to agree to a truce, as both are realizing that their hearts are no longer in the fight. They agree that Pan and the Lost Boys will stay mostly on the mainland, and Hook and the Pirates will stay out to...

So there's the two guys...

One plays a contrabass saxophone and the other plays a contrabassoon. They decided to get together and start playing music for the local townspeople. After a couple months of working up their reputation and getting a few more gigs at some fairs and carnivals, they decide to go big with their talent....

Ted Cruz releases three new campaign promises:

Ted Cruz may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

Ted Cruz must obey orders given him by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Promise.

Ted Cruz must protect his own existence as long as such protection d...

A Higgs boson walks into a Catholic church..

Priest: "I'm sorry we don't allow Higgs bosons in here."

Higgs boson: "oh I'm sorry, but without me you can't have mass."

A Physicist, an Engineer, and a Political Scientist are stranded on a deserted island

A Physicist, an Engineer, and a Political Scientist are stranded on a deserted island and are all very hungry. They are delighted to find a large can of beans that has been washed up on the beach. Having no way to open the can they try to find a way to the beans. The physicist states that if he puts...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy asked me: Who is this Chuck Norris guy?

Well, in short: He build the house he was born in by his aunt because no one dared to screw his mom. In his youth he molested catholic priests after that he joined the army where He was a well known Kamikaze pilot for about 7 times. He made fire with a magnifying glass under water at night and coun...