An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

There are over 60,000 miles of arteries, veins and capillaries in the human body. If you took all of yours and laid them end-to-end,

You'd die.

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"If you could push a button and would receive $100 million, but you would whipe out 50% of the earth's human population (without anyone knowing it was you), would you push that button?"

A friend of ours: "I vould push it three times".

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

Your Parents when you move out ;)

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

If you had to spend the rest of your (human) lifespan as an invertebrate, which would you be?

Me, a politician.

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Which is the lightest organ of the male human body ?

Penis. Because thoughts can lift it.

In a tragic accident, the circus' human cannonball was killed today.

When asked if he will find a replacement, the Ringmaster responded, "Where will I ever find another man of his caliber?"

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What are the longest hairs on the human body?

Nose hairs. Because every time you pull one your asshole twitches.

What do you get when you cross human DNA with sheep DNA?

Kicked off the farm

What's the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon.

Dear Humans,

You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.

Sincerely,

Confused alarm clock.

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours

and so they decided to call it a day

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year

when in reality, people kill people way more per year... so that's just being hippocritical.

TIL that a piranha can devour a whole human child in just under a minute.

Anyways, I lost my job in aquarium.

Adam, the first human, walks into a comedy club. He hears a funny joke and totally splits a rib…

Now his chest hurts and he has to drive Eve home.



(An original, by yours truly.)

People say humans aren't stupid

Yet half of humanity are dumber than average.

In an alternate reality, bears speak and coexist with humans.

A prominent electrician (who happened to be a bear) employed several humans for various positions within his company. Some were in customer service, handling the phones. Others were on-site technicians who drove around town from job to job. One human, Mike, was hired to do two different jobs inside ...

Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?

I was shocked when I found out

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them if they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agrees.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into the...

It's called the Human Race,

And we're all losing.

Everyone knows about S.T.E.M., but did you know that when you add "art" it's called STEAM? What isn't well know is what you get when you add in the Humanities and Language...

it's SCHOOL

Why did humanity fail to stop global warming?

It was too polarizing

"Humans only use 10% of their brain."

Or at least the ones that still quote this.

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

The world was a dust cloud, then it solidified, and some fish evolved into a human

And the rest was history

Bear & Human encounters

If bears and humans live in close proximity, they can be prepared ahead of time for such encounters. Obtain airhorns and pepper spray.

If the first couple of blasts of an airhorn doesn't scare them off, then run at them with an airhorn blasting. If you get close enough, use the pepper spray...

A new study says humans eat bananas more than monkeys.

I believe it. I know lots of people who eat bananas and none who eat monkeys.

After hundreds of years of speculation, aliens have finally contacted earth. They prepare a simultaneous broadcast to all humans to give us their message:

*Hello people of Earth! We have been trying to reach you about your planet’s extended warranty*

Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral.

Unless you are a football team manager.

Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs.....

"Just five minutes more."

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history?

The shovel

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters P, E, N, I, S?

Your spine.

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*NSFW* What did the aliens that have sex with vegetables say to the humans when they came to earth?

We come in peas.

What's a human pyramid without training?

A human pile.

Baby Roach: "Papa, what happens if the humans spray us with Raid?"

Papa Roach: "Suffocation. No breathing."

Swedish inventors have created cyborgs which are hard to distinguish from real humans.

Critics are concerned about the use of artificial Swedeners.

Why can't humans hear over or under a certain frequency?

It hertz too much.

What do sperms and lawyers have in common?

1 in 50,000,000 have a chance of becoming a human being

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

Did you know the most tragic event where 1/4 of the human population died?

Apparently, it happened when Abel was murdered.

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What's the difference between cat shit and human shit?

That's not cat shit running down my leg right now

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?”

The Mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made.”A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.”The confused girl returns to her mother and says, “M...

[last day working as a human cannonball]

you can't fire me I QUIT!

I never believed that scientists could clone humans...

...but once they proved me wrong, I was beside myself.

Nobody believes that I was born half Zentaur half human.

The top half of my body is Zentaur (Centaur) but the bottom half is human.

I find this funny but so far nobody else does. Can I improve the joke somehow?

There’s 4 different types of human skin

One skin, two skin, three skin and...

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

Found a human hair in my McDonald’s burger. I was so surprised....

... I didn’t know that they use natural ingredients.

What do you call a doctor who is half-human, half-horse?

The Centaur for Disease Control and Prevention

Some people say the difference between animals and humans is that animals never go to war.

They've never heard of Eric Burdon.

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Dad shark is explaining to his son shark what to do when he comes across a human in the ocean.

"First you circle around him two times from the right side then another two times from the left.Then you circle around him three times from the right side then three times from the left.And after that you eat him".Now say it back to me."First you circle around him two times from the right side,one t...

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I know of a zoophile scientist who is studying human-dog sexual relationships.

He's always in his lab

What is the largest organ in the human body's favorite thing to do in it's free time?

Play skin tag.

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This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, his eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

A teacher was teaching her class about whales.

She said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being as even though it was a gigantic animal, its stomach was very small. A little girl put up her hand and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher insisted that a whale couldn’t possibly swallow a hu...

What are the three shortest words in the english language to describe the shortest thing in the human body?

Is it in?

I wasn’t sure about getting involved in human trafficking.

But now I’m sold.

A husband and wife had a human cannonball act in the circus.

One day the wife ran off with the lion tamer. The husband was extremely dejected. The strong man asked him what he was going to do.

The husband answered, "This is a disaster. I don't know where I'm going to find another woman of her caliber."

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is...

advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in ...

I feel sorry for my circus friend, the human cannonball

He just got fired

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Initially I was proud of my participation in a trial for cloning humans...

...but now, I don't think I can live with myself.

Not to be a racist

But I feel the natural enemies of the Klingons shouldn't be humans it should be the Teflons.

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A Rather Distasteful Joke

New students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor began the lecture by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important quali...

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Cain, son of Adam, had a shit load of responsibilities.

Aside from being a farmer Cain was supposed to murder his brother and do a whole slew of other shit so that future generations could learn from his mistakes. The lord felt pity for Cain’s workload and assigned another human to shoulder some of the load. He called him co-cain. Co-cain helped him get ...

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On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a bald, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”

The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

What's the difference between camels and humans?

A camel only takes one to hump.

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

The only phrase that keeps me human

You are what you eat

Humanity and 2020 had a fight...

2021

I believe there is a point in life after which the suffering becomes unbearable and euthanasia is the only humane option.

That point is birth.

A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.

When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.

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I’m formally taking a hard stance against the human body.

Until it can be consistent that a fart is just a fart, I’m not trusting it with shit.

How many of Shakespeare's characters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to change the lightbulb, one to contemplate how a lightbulb is as mortal as any human, and one to spend the afternoon debating whether to murder his uncle.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

I don't like teachers who make me calculate with humans.

They commit math genocide on a daily basis.

A lot of people think humans having opposable thumbs contributed greatly to our evolution, but I don’t know...

...I think we just have a better grasp on things.

Agency: "Sir, we found 3 candidates as per your requirements.

How do you want their placements, sir?"

MD: "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room and close the door, leave them alone and come back after a few hours and analyse the situation:

1. If they are counting the bricks, put them in Accounts departmen...

Did you ever hear of the Cannibal who figured out how to clone humans?

He's so full of himself.

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A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap.

He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired woman jumps to her feet.

“What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology....

Chickens are stronger than humans.

Don't believe me? Let's see you pick up a piece of corn with your pecker.

In a library a guy asked a girl if he could sit beside her.

To this the girl shouted her reply saying: I dont wanna sleep with you at night pervert. Embarrassed the guy went to sit somewhere else.
After a few minutes the girl quietly went to the guy and told: I study psychology and can understand human mind and behavior. You were embarrassed weren't you? ...

LPT: If you want to make some easy money, take pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

The Devils goes to Church

The devil went to church one day and upon seeing his red skin, big horns and cloven feet, all of the people ran from the building in terror. All except for one old man near the front. He didn't even budge. The devil was intrigued by the man's apparent disinterest in his hideous appearance. So he str...

Had a friend who was half horse, half human

He was always the centaur of attention.

Humanity has colonized Venus and Mars. Venus is a pressure-cooker hellscape with an acidic atmosphere, and Mars has almost no atmosphere at all. In comparison, bad weather on Earth...

is such a first world problem.

My friend joined a cult. They believe that one day they will cease to exist in their human form, and become water vapor.

I told him, "you will be mist".

I’m getting really good at beating computers

Captcha thinks I’m not even human

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

The one rat asked the other rat if he’s had the vaccine?

Nope, they’re still testing it on humans

Let’s see how that goes

What did Venus say to Earth?

Ewwwwwww, you’ve got Humans!!

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

The human race could never stand against the robot revolution when it happened.

They kept coming back stronger.

The first wave was weak, so they were killable.

The second edition of the robots was strong but still somewhat bearable.

The third mark was slow, so they could be outran.

The fourth grade was dumb, so they were outsmartable.

But nob...

Three engineers argue about who designed the human body

"Look at all the supports and joints... " said the first engineer, "... it must have been a structural engineer."

"No, no, it was an electrical engineer; just look at the nervous system and all its connections and wiring." said the second engineer.

"Both of you are wrong" exclaimed th...

My dad was telling me about a documentary about the human body when it's constipated.

Unfortunately, it hasn't come out yet.

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Two strangers are sitting next to each other in a bar...

One guy says to the other “hey man, I’ll bet you $50 I can eat an entire plate of human shit in less than 30 seconds”.

The other guy says “there’s no way anyone can do something that disgusting, so you’re on”.

They head to the dumpsters behind the bar where the second guy squats down...

The devil has started to get really self conscious about his receding hairline and is planning to take out his anger on the humans if he cant find a solution.....

There's going to be hell toupee

Humans go through reincarnation. What do shoes go through?

A reboot.

There are 27 bones in the human hand...

and 28 when I’m lonely.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Researchers have found that human sexuality has drastically changed in the last 50 years alone. (NSFW)

If your grandparents covered their furniture in plastic, it was because your grandmother was a squirter.

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All the organs of a human body are having a meeting

The brain begins his announcement: “As you know, our body has been experiencing nutrient shortages over the past few years. We can’t keep it up like that. I am afraid we will have to terminate one of...”

The dick stands up and interrupts him: “Hey, I know! I know what to do! Let’s get rid of ...

I bumped into a guy in a supermarket yesterday.

He cursed me and told me not to walk like an idiot.

I told him,” I’m sorry, but I haven’t possessed a human body in a long time.”

The look on his face was priceless.

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

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Mr. & Mrs. Johnson live on a farm by themselves. One day, an Alien spaceship lands in front of their house.

As the Johnsons go to investigate, the ship’s doors open and two aliens that look similar to humans walk out. Speaking perfect English, the aliens make a proposition to the Johnsons to trade partners for the night to understand human sexual behavior. The Johnsons, curious of what the experience woul...

Karen

What is a group of dogs called?
A pack
What is a group of humans called?
A gathering
What is a group of Karen's called?
A complaint

The Human Crime Detector

The police have had trouble determining whether or not their suspects are guilty of committing the crimes they were arrested for. After hearing word of a man able to determine if any person brought before him committed a crime, they decide to consult him.

They bring the first suspect in, and...

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La Tonga (NSFW)

Once upon a time there were two explorers, John Smith and James errmm..Smith ,doing what they did best....exploring. After 2 weeks of sailing they came to shore on what looked like a deserted island.

Hopping off, they eagerly went on a trek through the beautiful tropical forest before them. ...

What do u get when u cross a human and crocodile ?

**A bloody mess.**

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