Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Did you know a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

What do you get when you mix human DNA with animal DNA?

Kicked out of the zoo.

What do you get if you inject human dna into a goat?

A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.

After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

What did the loyal calculator say to its human?

You can count on me!

There are 27 bones in the human hand

And 28 when I'm lonely

Why is it hard for cows to stand on two feet like humans?

Because they lack-toes...

To err is human...

To her, it's normal.

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

​

Q. What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

A. Your spine.

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow

Never thought i could care about another human being until i had a child.

Now im 100% certain i cant.

I'm so mad about everyone being against Trump. He's so misunderstood...He's just a human being who wants to be loved....

by his Daughter.

Why does Sonic the Hedgehog have human teeth?

Rule 34

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

God creating humans

God: They will walk on 4 legs

Angel: Give them 2 legs and 2 arms

God: Ye, you're right

Angel: But give them toes

God: Why?

Angel: For the furniture, trust me it will be hilarious

God : LMAO, nice idea

It's amazing how far humans have come since the caveman days

when people used to communicate by writing on walls....oh wait, we still do.

Why do circuses rarely have human cannonballs anymore?

It's hard to find men of that caliber.

A healthy human can grow up to eight feet

But most only have two.

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history

Edit: Holy shit this blew up

Humans are like drums

If you hit them with a stick they will make noise

Humans have a great mass of blood vessels.

In fact, if you stretched them all into one long line,
the human would die.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What does a alligator say to human walking away?

See you later masterbaiter...

The head of human resources is interviewing a potential candidate for the open position of corporate attorney.

“Would you consider yourself an honest lawyer?” the HR person asks in the interview.

​

“Honest?” the lawyer responds. “Let me tell you how honest I am. My father sold everything he had to put me through law school. After my very first case, I paid him back in full.”

&...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What happens when a human in space cums?

He astronuts

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution...

And 1 generation since I fucked your mom.

Just like you, progress is slow.

Whats the difference between Humans and Bullets?

Humans miss John Lennon

A little girl asks her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answers, “Well, God made Adam and Eve and then they had kids. So all mankind was made.”

Two days later the little girl asks her father the exact same question.

The father answers, “Many years ago, there were monkeys from which the entire human race evolved.”

The co...

90% of humans are actually perfect in every way

The other 10% are left-handed.

What’s the difference between stabbing a human and killing a hog

One is assaulting with intent to kill, the other is killing with intent to salt

All humans are catholic

Because they always have mass

TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

Human Resources

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do wi...

Why are the brake discs of Miley Cyrus' car shaped like a human organ?

'cause nothing brakes like a heart.

A boy asks his grand dad where humans cane from

The grand dad says “well, god created the earth and decided to make humans to populate it.”

The boy says “but that’s not what grand ma said!”

The grand dad asks “well what did she say?”

The boy says “grand ma says that a smart monkey girl had a baby with a smart monkey boy and ...

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That’s correct." She then ...

I asked a cannibal if humans tasted good.

He said it can vary from person to person.

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

To err is human . . .

But to REALLY foul things up you need a Facebook server

Like "please" is the magic word for humans, "mom" is the magic word for lost items.

Calling out "Mom!" will make the item appear instantly out of nowhere.

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish

The results speak for themselves.

A human losing weight is like an atom losing electrons

Everything is positive after that.

They're writing a satirical play based on The Human Centipede.

It'll be very tongue in cheek.

Humans are just like snowflakes. Each one is unique in its own way

And a large amount of them on my windshield makes it harder to drive.

Following a particularly good year, the circus decided to spend their profits on a human cannonball exhibit...

After the cannon was delivered, they realized the that the manufacturer got the dimensions all wrong. The barrel was so narrow that only a child could fit inside, and a child would never be allowed to perform such a dangerous act.

Months went by and the cannon remained unused, until one da...

The man that invented human cloning has died .

The mourners will probably be beside themselves at the funeral.

I wasn’t sure whether I should get involved in human trafficking.

But now I’m sold.

I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs…

If you'd like more details, I’ll be in my lab…

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...

ELI5: Is human cloning possible?

SCIENTIST: Eli, I have 4 people I’d like you to meet...

Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers,

your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.

Do you think turtles live longer than humans because...

they live a shell-tered life?

The history of human evolution is confusing...

There’s so many *Homos*, it’s hard to keep them all straight.

Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

I can't help it, though. Humans were just never meant to run 26 miles.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A shark and his son go looking for a snack...

The father says, "I'm going to teach you how to catch a human. First you raise your fin out of the water and start circling, then you go in and eat them."

"Why circle them?" asks the son.

The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."

2 women argue over who designed the human body

2 long time friends meet up at a bar and have some drinks when the conversation turns to who designed the human body.

Women 1 is a mathematician and argued as such a mathematician must have

Women 2 is a scientist and as such argued that due do science and stuff it must have been a sc...

A new carbonated beverage mimics the sounds of a human voice when you pour it out of the bottle.

or out of the can, soda speak.

A giraffe's neck is so strong a human can climb up it

Also, I'm banned from my local zoo

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three engineers are standing together as they discuss the possible developer of the human body.

First one says: "It surely was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all these complex joints."
The second one replies: "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system is made of thousands of electrical connections."
The last one: "No, must have been an archtitect. Who the fuck else would...

Saudi Arabia is on the UN Human Rights Committee.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Scientists have discovered a way to make dolphins nearly invisible to the human eye.

I don’t really see the porpoise.

Like Einstein said, "Only 2 things are infinite, human stupidity And...

WinRAR trial version".

This one's for the D&D players. A human, an elf and a dragonborn walk into a bar.

The gnome and halfling walk underneath perfectly fine.

What do you call a group of humans?

An infestation.

The only reason why humans start wars

is because we have time to kill

A human cannonball showed up late to his act.

He was fired.

I've made a fortune through international human resource management!

Or 'human trafficking', as some call it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."


The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

Humans can elope

Fruits cantaloupe.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?!”

Your parents, when you move out of their basement...

An alien was sent to earth to make contact with the human race...

He crash lands in the woods of Siberia. Wandering around, he spots two men sitting by a tree, drinking.He thinks what's the best way to make contact. After a while, he approaches them:

"I am Salurn".

"Pour him some vodka, Ivan. It's quite cold. Let him warm up"

He accepts the dr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately. “Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!"

She continues, "There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”

The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

TIL: humans and bonobos are the only creatures that look into their partner's eyes during intercourse.

I never do though.. Except for that one time when I was going at it, and suddenly she entered the room.

How many humans does it take to save Earth from climate change?

None, and only none.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spen...

What do you call treating a woman like a human?

Personification

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic.