After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

​

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution...

And 1 generation since I fucked your mom.

Just like you, progress is slow.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history

Edit: Holy shit this blew up

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

Human Resources

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do wi...

90% of humans are actually perfect in every way

The other 10% are left-handed.

Whats the difference between a bullet and a human?

Humans miss JFK

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow

All humans are catholic

Because they always have mass

Why are the brake discs of Miley Cyrus' car shaped like a human organ?

'cause nothing brakes like a heart.

I asked a cannibal if humans tasted good.

He said it can vary from person to person.

Like "please" is the magic word for humans, "mom" is the magic word for lost items.

Calling out "Mom!" will make the item appear instantly out of nowhere.

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That’s correct." She then ...

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was watching The Human Centipede with this guy, and I could tell just by looking at him that he was really enjoying the movie.

He had this shit-eating grin on his face the entire time.

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish

The results speak for themselves.

Following a particularly good year, the circus decided to spend their profits on a human cannonball exhibit...

After the cannon was delivered, they realized the that the manufacturer got the dimensions all wrong. The barrel was so narrow that only a child could fit inside, and a child would never be allowed to perform such a dangerous act.

Months went by and the cannon remained unused, until one da...

A human losing weight is like an atom losing electrons

Everything is positive after that.

Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers,

your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.

What do you call a human/fish hybrid made of rubber ?

An Elastomer-maid!

What do you get when you mix human DNA and a goat?

Banned from the petting zoo...

TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.

Humans are just like snowflakes. Each one is unique in its own way

And a large amount of them on my windshield makes it harder to drive.

2 women argue over who designed the human body

2 long time friends meet up at a bar and have some drinks when the conversation turns to who designed the human body.

Women 1 is a mathematician and argued as such a mathematician must have

Women 2 is a scientist and as such argued that due do science and stuff it must have been a sc...

Do you think turtles live longer than humans because...

they live a shell-tered life?

The history of human evolution is confusing...

There’s so many *Homos*, it’s hard to keep them all straight.

The man that invented human cloning has died .

The mourners will probably be beside themselves at the funeral.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a human with a billy goat?

A beastiality charge

ELI5: Is human cloning possible?

SCIENTIST: Eli, I have 4 people I’d like you to meet...

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.

An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet. The alien's are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub. He sees ...

A new carbonated beverage mimics the sounds of a human voice when you pour it out of the bottle.

or out of the can, soda speak.

I wasn’t sure whether I should get involved in human trafficking.

But now I’m sold.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three engineers are standing together as they discuss the possible developer of the human body.

First one says: "It surely was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all these complex joints."
The second one replies: "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system is made of thousands of electrical connections."
The last one: "No, must have been an archtitect. Who the fuck else would...

There are 27 bones in a human hand.

28 when you are lonely.

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

Is it wrong to hate an entire race?

I can't help it, though. Humans were just never meant to run 26 miles.

Like Einstein said, "Only 2 things are infinite, human stupidity And...

WinRAR trial version".

I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs…

If you'd like more details, I’ll be in my lab…

A giraffe's neck is so strong a human can climb up it

Also, I'm banned from my local zoo

This one's for the D&D players. A human, an elf and a dragonborn walk into a bar.

The gnome and halfling walk underneath perfectly fine.

Saudi Arabia is on the UN Human Rights Committee.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

An alien was sent to earth to make contact with the human race...

He crash lands in the woods of Siberia. Wandering around, he spots two men sitting by a tree, drinking.He thinks what's the best way to make contact. After a while, he approaches them:

"I am Salurn".

"Pour him some vodka, Ivan. It's quite cold. Let him warm up"

He accepts the dr...

I've made a fortune through international human resource management!

Or 'human trafficking', as some call it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A shark and his son go looking for a snack...

The father says, "I'm going to teach you how to catch a human. First you raise your fin out of the water and start circling, then you go in and eat them."

"Why circle them?" asks the son.

The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."

Scientists have discovered a way to make dolphins nearly invisible to the human eye.

I don’t really see the porpoise.

What do you call a group of humans?

An infestation.

A human cannonball showed up late to his act.

He was fired.

The only reason why humans start wars

is because we have time to kill

What do you call treating a woman like a human?

Personification

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

“If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?!”

Your parents, when you move out of their basement...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately. “Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!"

She continues, "There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”

The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

On average, a human will swallow 5 spiders in their lifetime

That’s because weirdos like me keep fucking up the averages.

TIL: humans and bonobos are the only creatures that look into their partner's eyes during intercourse.

I never do though.. Except for that one time when I was going at it, and suddenly she entered the room.

How many humans does it take to save Earth from climate change?

None, and only none.

Why didn't the human cross the road?

To prove he wasn't a chicken.

If Amazon were a human what would be it’s most important organ?

Da liver

Humans can elope

Fruits cantaloupe.

Humans used to ride cows and bulls into battle before horses were domesticated

It wasn't very good, they were udderly defeated

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."


The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It is impossible for a human to pass another full grown human through the anal cavity...

I shit you not ... literally

Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?

Because dogs can’t whistle.

Humans exist in a tight range of 7.35-7.45 pH which means...

Y'all basic!

Why did the human get fired from the calendar factory?

Because they took a few days off.




Probably a repost, but IDC

I got fired at my job today!

My career as a human canon ball at the circus is going as planned.

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night . Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

An elf and a human walked into a bar.

The dwarf walked under it.

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went drinking with a human centipede

The first guy could hold his liquor.

The rest of them got completely shitfaced.

Fun fact of the day

Fun Fact: if every human stood in a single file line around the equator, most of them would drown

Which day do lions prefer to eat humans?

Chewsday.

An alien walks into a human brain shop

Vendor: Welcome, unfortunately we are very limited on brains right now and there are only 2 available.

Alien: I'll take a look.

Vendor: Well, here's the brain of Albert Einstein. He was very intelligent and was the reason behind much of human science. This is priced at $2. Here is the ...