The 104+ Best Human Jokes

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld

Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! ...

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God: Creates humans as they were meant to be.

Also god: New rules! I need you all to cut the extra skin off your penis.

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

You get kicked out of sea world…

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

What do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA?

A lifetime ban from the zoo.

What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose?

Arrested apparently

NSFW A dog and a cat are having an argument about who is the favorite with humans. The dog says, “humans like us more; they even named a tooth after us (the canine). Naming an important body part after us proves they like dogs more.”

The cat smiles and says, “Guess what? You are not going to win this one”

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Dolphins are the only animals besides humans that enjoy having Sex

I had to have sex with a lot of animals to figure that out

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

What do you get when you combine human DNA with seal DNA?

You get banned from SeaWorld.

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

What's the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because

ROBOTS CAN...

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

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A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat th...

As God created this human child, God asked him...

"How about an extra chromosome?"

The child replied, "I'd be down for that."

Three engineers were discussing who created the human body.

The mechanical engineer said “Clearly it was a mechanical engineer. Look at all the joints, levers and moving parts.”

“No” said the electrical engineer, “Look at the wired central nervous system and brain to process everything.”

The civil engineer said “You are both wrong. It was a civ...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year, when in reality, people kill way more people per year...

...so that’s just being hippocritical...

Human Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the o...

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.

This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

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Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.

I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question."

The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "I...

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The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history

Edit: Holy shit this blew up

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

When the human body dies, what's the last part to die?

The pupils. They dilate.

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

Dear Humans,

You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.

Sincerely,

Confused alarm clock.

My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body...

I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it.

The Human Centipede wasn't that bad really..

...most of it was tongue in cheek.

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

A journalist is tasked with writing a human interest piece on the Western Wall in Jerusalem.

He decides he will take a month and observe those who come to pray. After a few days he notices one elderly man who arrives at the same time each day. The old man struggles to kneel before the wall, prays for ten minutes, struggles to stand, and then leaves.

The next day, the journalist appr...

Did you know, that if you take all of the human organs and spread them out on a football field.

You get arrested

A human, an elf and a dwarf walk into a bar...

The Hobbit laughs and walks under it.

A lot of people don’t understand the humor in the movie The Human Centipede…

I thought it was pretty obvious that most of the movie was tounge in cheek

A professor is called to speak on human rights in the middle east.

A professor is asked to speak in the middle east on the subject of human rights.

He boards his plane and arrives without trouble. He continues his way to the podium he is about to speak on. To his astonishment the room is completely empty with the exception of one man.

Since his subje...

If I don’t perfect Human Cloning...

...I won’t be able to live with myself

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What was the first human civilization to invent the bidet?

The ass tech people.

The Human Cannonball act will not be returning to the circus.

They can’t find a man of the right caliber.

When did humans first start growing weed?

During the Stoned Age

My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results...

... speak for themselves

Using the new James Webb telescope, scientists recently discovered an enormous object in deep space that shares nearly identical chemical composition as humor in the human brain.

Ultimately it was determined to be no laughing matter

What do you call five tubes of human toothpaste?

The winners of the 2023 Darwin Awards!

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Which human ancestor was the horniest one?

Homo erectus.

What weighs more? an elephant or a human?

The human.

elephants dont know how to use scales and thus, are incapable of weighing anything.

My circus hired what has to be the world's worst human cannon ball.

Unfortunately he's unionised so we can't even fire him.

For school, I had to write a report about how the human eye works

So I asked my dad if he knew any facts about the human eye. After a moment of thought, he responded:

"The human auditory range is 20 to 20,000 Hz".

Confused, I asked: "What does that have to do with the eye, dad?"

"Nothing," he replied. "It's ear-relevant."

Say what you want about The Human Centipede

The film's director really knew how to bring people together...

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I read that 30% of the internet is pornography and that really makes me disappointed in humanity...

...70% of the internet is being completely wasted.

Scientists finally found out, how much sleep humans exactly need:

just five more minutes

I want a cartoon about puppies saving humans from making situations socially awkward

We can call it Faux Pas Patrol

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. At one point in the discussion, the teacher remarked that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow an entire human being because

…even though the whale was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
"But the whale swallowed Jonah," the little girl insisted.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible, she said.
The little girl said, "When I get to he...

TIL, Hippos can run faster than humans on land and swimmer faster in water

But still you can defeat them in a triathlon as they don't know how to ride a bicycle

3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

Did you know that if you take all the blood vessels from an average size human body and lay them out end to end

You'll go to prison for a very long time.

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Humans aren't the only creatures who stutter [NSFW for language]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. *"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,"* she says.

A little girl raises her hand and says, *"I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."*

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to ...

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history?

The shovel

Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."

The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."

The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreati...

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So God and an Angel are creating Humans…

GOD: So when it's cold, we'll make nipples do what?

ANGEL: Make em hard?

GOD: Nice, nice, everybody loves boobies. How about dicks?

ANGEL: Shrink em!

GOD: *laughing so hard tears run down his face*

If animal organs were compatible with humans...

Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.

Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.

What's the difference between a Humanities student and a large order of pizzas?

One of them can feed a family.

“I've created a new computer that is almost human."

"You mean that it can think, feel and reason just like a human would?"

"No, but when it makes a mistake it blames it on another computer."

What did the first human do after he was done naming everything?

He called it a day

How does a human make all three states of matter at once?

Diarrhea.

As long as there are humans, there will always be two sides that disagree with each other.

That is something everyone can agree on.

Why can’t humans hear dogs whistle?

Because dogs can’t whistle.

TIL humans bred sheep to grow an uncomfortable amount of wool

Some vegans object, but I think that's more of a ewe problem.

I was stunned to find out that my grandfather was involved in human trafficking.

He used to volunteer as a crossing guard.

The local circus fired the human cannonball a few hours ago

The performer went ballistic and witnesses confirmed the performer was over the hill

A human fart is louder than a trombone.

I discovered this at a school concert last night.

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A shark was teaching his kid how to eat a human

So the shark told his kid, when you see a human make sure to turn around him one or two times and then you can attack him.
The kid asked: Why should I turn around him and not attacking directly?
The shark dad said: well, they taste better if you scare the absolute crap out of them first.

Some Swedish tennis players come into this world born human, some born machine ...

and some bjorn borg.

Scientists got together and decided that humanity had come a long way and no longer needed God.

So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him. The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point where we can clone people, manipulate atoms, build molecules, fly through space, and do many other miraculous th...

I was trying to do some research on human and dog relationships

But I got stuck in my lab

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2 dogs were very curious about how humans did sex so they hid under the bed when the owner brought home a girl

Dog 1 : Did you see that? She has only two teats?

Dog 2 : Yeah, and his tail is wagging in the wrong direction!!

Scientists have demonstrated that nerves spread throughout the body are related to human personality.

For example, if a subjects arms are removed, that subject becomes much less likely to volunteer for science tests.

Scientists have determined the optimal age at which humans are able to safely start using social media:

123 years old.

For Star Trek fans. A Romulan man, a Ferengi businessman, a ravishing Human woman and a homely Bajoran are sharing a compartment on an old train as it makes its way through the mountains.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Ferengi is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The Bajoran thinks "I bet that dirty...

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made...”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to he...

Oldest jokes in human history - Another s*x joke, Ancient Egypt, 1600 BC.

One of the world's oldest joke was found in the Ancient Egyptian story book known as the Westcar Papyrus

It goes:

# "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?

# "You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

What did the vampire say to their human girlfriend?

"See you next month."

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I went drinking with a human centipede

The first guy could hold his liquor.

The rest of them got completely shitfaced.

computers vs humans?

The best joke on mankind is that computers ask humans to prove they are not robots...

Humans aren't the only ones who struggle with marriage.

Married Seals always struggle. Their marriages are always on the rocks.

Rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part that is most useful when erect...

...Those who answered 'spine' will be doctors someday. The rest of us will be posting jokes on Reddit.

what is the price on a human life

The hospital bill

[American joke]

I have finally figured out how to successfully clone a human

Needless to say, I am beside myself.

Did you know that if all the capillaries of a human lung were rolled out onto a tennis court...

The game would likely be cancelled

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A man has been arrested after allegedly plotting to enslave humanity and force everyone to make butter.

The suspect has said he just wanted to watch the world churn.

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Know why geese kill more humans every year than sharks?

Because it's really hard for geese to kill sharks.

Seriously though, fuck geese.

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