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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

If animal organs were compatible with humans...

Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.

Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.

What do you get when you combine human DNA with whale DNA?

Kicked out of Sea World, apparently.



Yes, I know it's a repost. But I love this joke.

If a group of lions is called pride, what do you call a group of humans?

Prejudice.

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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

How is a car like a human?

Gas comes out the tailpipe.

how to eat a human

a shark teaching his son " always circle around these humans 5 times before eating them"

the son replied " why can't I just eat them directly ?"

the shark replied " well, if you wanna eat them along with their feces it's your choice"

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Humans: Fuck off, Aliens!

Aliens: UFO!

Batteries have more in common with Jesus than humans do

They don't sin and they come back from the dead

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What's something millions of women do every day that no one thinks twice about, but when the Nazis did it it was called a crime against humanity?

Using chemicals to remove the Polish.

Did you hear that Crash Test Dummies wrote a musical based on The Human Centipede?

It’s called "Mmf Hff Fm Hhmff Fhuhr Hmfhmf."

If I were to eat a human…

It would be a ginger ‘cause ingesting anything with a soul is bad for my health.

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Out of all of the millions of animal species on Earth, only humans and bonobos enjoy sex as a recreational activity

Don’t ask me how I know.

If humans doing stunts is called a circus...

Then cars doing stunts should be called a Carcuss

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

Do you know what happens if we put human DNA in chimapanzees?

We get banned from the zoo.

What do humans and the universe have in common?

Both started with a big bang

My wife said, "Do you know that a healthy human thigh bone is tougher than concrete?"

"Yes, I believe you," I replied, "now please put away the drill."

Ah the human brain...

Really makes you think, doesn't it?

Courts still use the term "vehicular manslaughter". It's 2021; shouldn't we call it "vehicular human-slaughter"?

It's time for women to finally break through the glass windshield.

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Humans have a nerve that runs from the back of the eyes to the anus.

Its called the anal-optic nerve. If you don't believe me, try pulling a hair from your ass and it will bring a tear to your eyes.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

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How did humanity discover AIDS?

They fucked around and found out.

I had a dream I turned into a young chicken and had trouble changing back to being a human.

Luckily, I was able to pullet off...

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Why do bulls have more children than humans?

.... Because bulls are horny....

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What do you get when you mix goat DNA and human DNA?

You get kicked the fuck out of the petting zoo, that's what.

The easiest way to make money is to take pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

There are over 60,000 miles of arteries, veins and capillaries in the human body. If you took all of yours and laid them end-to-end,

You'd die.

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"If you could push a button and would receive $100 million, but you would whipe out 50% of the earth's human population (without anyone knowing it was you), would you push that button?"

A friend of ours: "I vould push it three times".

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The Human mouth is amazing. It can suck, blow, create a vacuum , is water tight....

And can create and infinite amount of shit!

Russian acrobats shouldn't have tried to complain when the guy at the base of the human pyramid, quit for no reason.

They didn't have Oleg to stand on.

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

Your Parents when you move out ;)

In a tragic accident, the circus' human cannonball was killed today.

When asked if he will find a replacement, the Ringmaster responded, "Where will I ever find another man of his caliber?"

If you had to spend the rest of your (human) lifespan as an invertebrate, which would you be?

Me, a politician.

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours

and so they decided to call it a day

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Which is the lightest organ of the male human body ?

Penis. Because thoughts can lift it.

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What are the longest hairs on the human body?

Nose hairs. Because every time you pull one your asshole twitches.

Did you know that humans, like elephants have evolved a very specific call to warn others about bees they have encountered?

Want to hear what it sounds like?

-


-



-


“BEES!”

You know what happened to humanity's most intelligent ancestor?

He decided having kids wasn't worth it.

A woman was forced to choose between two suitors to wed.

The first man was about 4 foot 5 tall and ran a very successful store that sold many fruits and vegetables.

The other man was disgusting. He was covered head to toe in boils and bedsores and smelled awful. He had not ever even seen a bath. He was pretty much the most foul human you could imag...

People say humans aren't stupid

Yet half of humanity are dumber than average.

Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?

I was shocked when I found out

Bear & Human encounters

If bears and humans live in close proximity, they can be prepared ahead of time for such encounters. Obtain airhorns and pepper spray.

If the first couple of blasts of an airhorn doesn't scare them off, then run at them with an airhorn blasting. If you get close enough, use the pepper spray...

TIL that a piranha can devour a whole human child in just under a minute.

Anyways, I lost my job in aquarium.

Humans are scared of hippos because they're violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year

when in reality, people kill people way more per year... so that's just being hippocritical.

What's the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon.

Adam, the first human, walks into a comedy club. He hears a funny joke and totally splits a rib…

Now his chest hurts and he has to drive Eve home.



(An original, by yours truly.)

A new study says humans eat bananas more than monkeys.

I believe it. I know lots of people who eat bananas and none who eat monkeys.

Everyone knows about S.T.E.M., but did you know that when you add "art" it's called STEAM? What isn't well know is what you get when you add in the Humanities and Language...

it's SCHOOL

It's called the Human Race,

And we're all losing.

Two lab rats are talking…

One says “Are you going to get that vaccine?” The other says “Are you crazy? They haven’t even finished the human trials yet!”

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

The world was a dust cloud, then it solidified, and some fish evolved into a human

And the rest was history

Why did humanity fail to stop global warming?

It was too polarizing

"Humans only use 10% of their brain."

Or at least the ones that still quote this.

What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history?

The shovel

Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral.

Unless you are a football team manager.

After hundreds of years of speculation, aliens have finally contacted earth. They prepare a simultaneous broadcast to all humans to give us their message:

*Hello people of Earth! We have been trying to reach you about your planet’s extended warranty*

What do aliens call it when an alien and a human start going out?

Carbon dating

Fun fact: besides humans, frogs are the only animal known to take their own lives.

In other words they'll Kermit suicide..

John rolls out of his room into the apartment,

John rolls out of his room into the apartment, looking like some misshapen ball. His roommate Ron, horrified, asks what happened.

“Oh nothing major, I just found a genie and told him I could use a joint, looks like he misinterpreted and turned me into a human knee,” said John.

“A kn...

What do Lawyers and sperm have in common?

1 in 50 Million has a chance of becoming a human being.

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

Baby Roach: "Papa, what happens if the humans spray us with Raid?"

Papa Roach: "Suffocation. No breathing."

Why can't humans hear over or under a certain frequency?

It hertz too much.

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?”

The Mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made.”A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.”The confused girl returns to her mother and says, “M...

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them if they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agrees.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into the...

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*NSFW* What did the aliens that have sex with vegetables say to the humans when they came to earth?

We come in peas.

Joke written by an AI

Disclaimer: The joke below was not created by me, or any human, but rather by an AI. I was curious to see if an AI could have a sense of humor.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a very attractive woman. After an hour of conversation, the woman says to the man, "Thank you for buyin...

What's a human pyramid without training?

A human pile.

A radiator is essentially a vital organ to a car, so it's kinda weird that the town in the movie Cars is called "Radiator Springs."

That’s like humans having a city called “Liver Pool.”

Swedish inventors have created cyborgs which are hard to distinguish from real humans.

Critics are concerned about the use of artificial Swedeners.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

There’s 4 different types of human skin

One skin, two skin, three skin and...

Gorilla

A gorilla dies of old age in a zoo in the morning just before opening. It is the only gorilla in the zoo, as they are not very profitable.
However, the gorilla is by far their most popular attraction, and they cannot afford to spend a single day without it. Therefore, the zoo owner asks one o...

Did you know the most tragic event where 1/4 of the human population died?

Apparently, it happened when Abel was murdered.

Paranormal happenings in the Navy

Just found out that the USS Enterprise (CVN-65, sorry to Trekkies) was haunted. The apparition of a human figure, from the waist down and appearing to have been messily severed from the rest of the body, would walk the ship’s passageways.

While nobody is sure of the ghost’s identity or the ex...

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A drunkard was zigzagging his way through the streets at 4AM. Two policemen in a car decided to approach him...

One cop asked "where are you going at this time of night?"

"I'm going to a lecture"

"A lecture?! At this time of night? What about?!"

"About the effects of alcohol and drugs on the human body. The damages caused by living a reckless life. The degradation that free love and sex ...

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Dad shark is explaining to his son shark what to do when he comes across a human in the ocean.

"First you circle around him two times from the right side then another two times from the left.Then you circle around him three times from the right side then three times from the left.And after that you eat him".Now say it back to me."First you circle around him two times from the right side,one t...

Satan got angry

satan got very angry till he started shouting and screaming so he was asked what happened to him

he replied " I keep tempting humans to steal and cheat others but after they get rich they start thanking god for the what they have, heck I was the one who got them there "

[last day working as a human cannonball]

you can't fire me I QUIT!

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I know of a zoophile scientist who is studying human-dog sexual relationships.

He's always in his lab

I never believed that scientists could clone humans...

...but once they proved me wrong, I was beside myself.

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What's the difference between cat shit and human shit?

That's not cat shit running down my leg right now

Found a human hair in my McDonald’s burger. I was so surprised....

... I didn’t know that they use natural ingredients.

A man goes to the doctor.

He tells the doctor he's been hearing strange buzzing noises all week. The sounds come and go at all times of day, but they have been most intense at night. Sometimes there are multiple distinct buzzes at a time, at different frequencies. The patient says he has hardly slept for the past week becaus...

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So there was this magical forest with a marble statue of two nude lovers holding hands.

They stood tall in the center of the magical forest for hundreds of years. One day, by happenstance, the Spirit of the Forest reflected on the two lovers and felt pity for them. He decided to bring them to life. He mustered up enough of his magical power to cast a spell allowing them to be living hu...

Some people say the difference between animals and humans is that animals never go to war.

They've never heard of Eric Burdon.

I feel sorry for my circus friend, the human cannonball

He just got fired

The only phrase that keeps me human

You are what you eat

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There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

I wasn’t sure about getting involved in human trafficking.

But now I’m sold.

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is...

advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in ...

What a morning..

What a morning...
I was following an ambulance when I noticed a small metal box sitting on the rear bumper. When the ambulance turned right the box flew off and landed on the side of the road against the curb.
I of course pulled over and snagged the box. When I opened the box there was a human...

What are the three shortest words in the english language to describe the shortest thing in the human body?

Is it in?

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Initially I was proud of my participation in a trial for cloning humans...

...but now, I don't think I can live with myself.

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

Nobody believes that I was born half Zentaur half human.

The top half of my body is Zentaur (Centaur) but the bottom half is human.

I find this funny but so far nobody else does. Can I improve the joke somehow?

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