UPJOKE
homomanlanguagehumanitybrainmammalchimpanzeehomo erectusbipedaltechnologyafricaprimatesgorillasciencemankind

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

A dog and a cat were having an argument on who is the favorite of humans

The dog says, “Humans like us more. They even named a tooth (canine) after us. Naming such an important body part after us shows that they like us more.”

The cat smiles and says, “You’re not really going to win this one you know.”

I told my daughter, "Did you know that humans eat more bananas than monkeys?" She rolled her eyes at me, but I persevered. "It’s true!"

"When was the last time you ate a monkey?!"

Did you know that piranhas can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. At one point in the discussion, the teacher remarked that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow an entire human being because

…even though the whale was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
"But the whale swallowed Jonah," the little girl insisted.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human. It was physically impossible, she said.
The little girl said, "When I get to he...

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

We thought it was our ability to love that made us human,

but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAINING A TRUCK.

what is the price on a human life

The hospital bill

[American joke]

What do you get when you combine human DNA with seal DNA?

You get banned from SeaWorld.

Q: What do you get when you cross human and goat DNA?

A: Banned from the petting zoo.

What's the difference between a Humanities student and a large order of pizzas?

One of them can feed a family.

what makes us really humans?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

For Star Trek fans. A Romulan man, a Ferengi businessman, a ravishing Human woman and a homely Bajoran are sharing a compartment on an old train as it makes its way through the mountains.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Ferengi is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The Bajoran thinks "I bet that dirty...

We all know humans are just cat's slaves, right? Yes. So a human was looking for a new home, to his cats disapproval. When the human said "I am the owner, I call the shots" how did the cat respond?

You can't spell homeowner without meow.

3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

I have finally figured out how to successfully clone a human

Needless to say, I am beside myself.

On the first day, God created the dog...

God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years.”


The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?"


So God agreed.
<...

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made...”

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to he...

When the human body dies, what's the last part to die?

The pupils. They dilate.

What's the most profane bone in the human body?

The blasfemur

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2 vampires have an argument over eating humans

Vampire 1: "Why the fuck are you even arguing about this?! You ate a live human 2 days ago"

Vampire 2: "What's your point?"

Vampire 1: "So you can't have a go at me for for doing it!"

Vampire 2: "Its not the same thing"

Vampire 1: "They were in a coma! There's no differen...

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Father shark teaches the son shark how to eat human

"Look boy, when you target a swimming human go close with your fin out of the water. Take a few laps around the target then you can eat. Does it make sense?"

"Yes, father. Thank you." the son replayed.

"Now go find your lunch" said the father.

The guy went in one direction and c...

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable. (one of my favourite jokes, worth the read)



However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the z...

When did humans first start growing weed?

During the Stoned Age

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

What was the name of that Pixar movie where a non-human duo is forced to go on an adventure after the Status Quo gets threatened?

Google: "Could you be more specific?"

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwidth of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

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A mother shark is teaching her young one how to eat humans. "First, you go straight at them and then you circle them.

You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them."

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat them with all the shit still inside?"

I read that machines will be smarter than humans.

Hell, I already have screw drivers that are smarter than some humans.

Do you know what cannibal tribes have said about the taste of human flesh?

It’s an acquired taste that varies person to person.

Tuna must age about five times faster than humans.

This is supported by the fact that tuna half-hours are equal to 150 minutes.

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Few scientists were wondering on how well humans cope with hopeless stress

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

(Internet Joke) We are basically monkeys, then what makes us human?!?

-Our less than 1% different genetic configuration?

-No!

-Sins like lust, envy, and jealousy?

-No!

-Qualities like love, compassion, and empathy?

-No!

-Greed for money and power?

-No!

-Altruistic values and moral capacity to renounce worldly pos...

What do you call the study of human regret?

Anthroapology

The human cannonball retires.

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.

"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"

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The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to...

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?

Banned from Seaworld



Cake day so time to Karma Farm, and I can't see this joke posted

Humans are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they die.

My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body...

I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it.

Why did the Human Torch's legs start swelling?

Because they were inflamed.

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My wife asked me if I had heard that female dolphins have clitorises that are very similar to humans.

I asked her why she was telling me this.

She replied, "Do you think God did that on porpoise?"

Today, David received the first-ever pig-to-human heart transplant...

When he came home, his wife had some bad news.

But before she could say anything, he pleaded, don't go bacon my heart!



(Edit: at least the headline is a true story...)

The ghost of a dead cat walks into a bar

The ghost of a dead cat carrying its severed tail in its mouth walks into a bar at 3 a.m. Only the bartender is there, cleaning up and shutting the place down for the night. The cat puts down the tails and begins to speak. "Pardon me sir, I don't know if you remember me, but I'm the cat that was st...

What was the most ground-breaking invention in human history?

The shovel

Do you know in which country scientists have successfully crossed an otter and a human?

The otterman empire

A man said 'efficiency'

A fish said 'A human on land'

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A teacher is explaining biology to her third grade students. She says “human beings are the only creatures that stutter.” A girl raised her hand, saying “I once had a kitty cat that stuttered.”

The teacher knowing how precious how some of these stories were asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well” she began, “I was in the backyard with my kitty , and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it has jumped the fence into our yard!”
The teacher e...

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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

Scientists have successfully grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish...

...the results speak for themselves.

I heard they’re rebooting The Godfather and replacing the humans with sharks

It’ll be called The Megalodon.

There are 27 bones in the human hand...

and 28 when I’m lonely.

I used to kill humans for a living. Now, I kill insects;

You could say that I like being an... EX-terminator.

My first job was as a human cannon ball

I was hired and fired on the same day.

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish

So if you're having difficulty getting something done, it's probably because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

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Fun fact: mountain lions pose a very low threat to humans. They're scared of us.

That's because they're big pussies.

If animal organs were compatible with humans...

Your dog would offer you his kidney even if he only had one that worked.

Your cat would show up one morning with 37 kidneys in a sack and tell you to pick one.

Obviously zombies cannabilize humans

Its a no brainer

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The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”

Time passes. The patrons filter out. Eventually the bartender grows old. His children mourn him at his passing, and meet the grave in their turn. The city crumbles under the intrigues of time and war, and new cities lay their foundations upon the old. These, too, crumble. Humanity itself grows old, ...

Did you know that, with enough pressure, the human lung will burst like a balloon?

Anyway, I lost my medical license today.

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Why do you think we are here?

John, Paul, and Bill sit around a campfire.

John turns to Paul, and asks him "Why do you think we are here?"

Paul says "Man, I wonder that all the time. Some people think we exist on Earth in purgatory. We suffer here through the trials and tribulations of life in order to determine if...

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing.

It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.

And with his last hum...

Bad jokes are the best jokes

Did you know humans eat more bananas than monkeys?



I believe it… I’ve never eaten a monkey, have you?

Murphy's Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it's probably obselete.

3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it....

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Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called...

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A guy drank too much on a party and passed out...

He finds himself in front of the heaven's door. He's asking, "What's happening?". And a voice from above is saying "Don't you see? You drank too much. You drank so much that you're dead now! But you won't be passed into the heaven because you were a sinner." The guy replies "I see... I'm ready to be...

That's disgusting...

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question."

The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says John...

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending ra...

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Human hair is an aphrodisiac for rhinoceroses

Keratin makes them horny

A duck walks into a pub

And waddles up to the bar with a newspaper under his wing and says

"I'll take a tuna sandwich and a coffee."

Now at first the bartender was a little taken aback because afterall how often do you see a talking duck? But being a good host he obliges his patron and serves up a tuna san...

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What do you call a scientist who investigates early homo sapien societies but excuses their violent behaviour toward Neanderthals and other sub-species of archaic humans?

An anthro-apologist.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, thi...

Dummy

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde...

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God creating humans..

When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite. Then he asked, "Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?"

Well, the males went crazy, shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.

"Fine", says God, "Women get mul...

What do you get when you combine human DNA with whale DNA?

Kicked out of Sea World, apparently.



Yes, I know it's a repost. But I love this joke.

When god created the world, the prototype human was almost finished.

Then he said to the responsible construction angel: "Put little toes on them" "Why that?" "For the furniture, you'll see that it's going to be fun."

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you got...

I used to work for Chicken of the Sea, until a new supervisor became convinced that I was actually a tuna disguised as a human

It was because of this that I was later wrongfully canned

What do sperm and politicians have in common?

About 1 in every 500 or 600 million have a chance at becoming human.



Bonus Joke;

### Why do politicians wear neckties?

To keep their foreskin from flopping over their head.

Human Design

Three engineers went out for drinks after work. An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer. They rehashed their respective jobs, complained about the hours and all agreed about insane expectations and demands of clients. After a couple drinks they started loosening up, discus...

Dear Humans,

You get mad at me when I work....You get mad at me when I don't work.

Sincerely,

Confused alarm clock.

jesus came to me in a dream

he told me that he's not coming back, and that he's very angry at humanity

i don't know what happened in the past but we must've done something to make him cross

God and the devil chat about music

The god and the devil were chating, as they usually do when the concept of music came up.
With a bit of intrigue God asked the devil how he'd managed to get into every genre of music, from rock & rap to hip hop & metal ect .
The devil chuckled no no no , music is too special, too human...

Did you hear that Crash Test Dummies wrote a musical based on The Human Centipede?

It’s called "Mmf Hff Fm Hhmff Fhuhr Hmfhmf."

how to eat a human

a shark teaching his son " always circle around these humans 5 times before eating them"

the son replied " why can't I just eat them directly ?"

the shark replied " well, if you wanna eat them along with their feces it's your choice"

A mildly perceptive man is confused for being psychic

One day a man was bored and decided to see if he could trick people into thinking he was psychic.

He setup a booth on a busy street with a sign. "$1 to read your mind."



His first customer, a slightly chubby man, looked skeptical.

"Ok, tell me something about me."

...

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

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Humans: Fuck off, Aliens!

Aliens: UFO!

How is a car like a human?

Gas comes out the tailpipe.

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

Ah the human brain...

Really makes you think, doesn't it?

A doctor found a cure for muteness

Dr. Smith, a medical professional studying human vocals, found a cure to muteness.

He found out after dealing with a patient and an unlikely scenario happened.

He receives an award for medicine, and is invited to give a speech. He speaks about his life, inspiration, and discovery. He b...

A cloning experiment gone wrong

A laboratory, hidden from public knowledge, secretly worked on the cloning of humans. Of course, human cloning being illegal, their staff was limited to a select few that had both the credentials and the disregard for rules that was considered essential to be a successful researcher at the facility....

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Not a repost (true story, too)

One day I was walking to school with my friends in a very busy city. The school was about ten-ish blocks away from where we met up, and sure, there's always crap on the ground (whether from a human or a dog) and homeless people, but otherwise it's pretty much what you'd expect.

This particula...

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"If you could push a button and would receive $100 million, but you would whipe out 50% of the earth's human population (without anyone knowing it was you), would you push that button?"

A friend of ours: "I vould push it three times".

In a tragic accident, the circus' human cannonball was killed today.

When asked if he will find a replacement, the Ringmaster responded, "Where will I ever find another man of his caliber?"

During the pandemic I saw an old lady in the supermarket searching for toilet rolls on the empty shelves. I almost broke down, thinking about the horrific nature of humanity. I reached deep into my pocket, and there I found a toilet roll.

Then I wiped away my tears and walked off.

If a group of lions is called pride, what do you call a group of humans?

Prejudice.

There are over 60,000 miles of arteries, veins and capillaries in the human body. If you took all of yours and laid them end-to-end,

You'd die.

What do sperm and lawyers have in common?

1 in 3 million have a chance in becoming a human being.

Two prawns, named Christian and Terry are off on their morning swim.

Soon they discover a codfish caught in a six pack ring. Cursing the humans, Christian and Terry help the poor fish out of his predicament. Now freed, he begins to glow mysteriously.

“Thank you,” he says. “My name is Cod, and I’m a wish-granting codfish. I’d like to grant each of you one wish ...

I had a dream I turned into a young chicken and had trouble changing back to being a human.

Luckily, I was able to pullet off...

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