Hippopotamuses can outrun a human on land or in the water.

So if you’re in a triathlon against a hippo, you really have to make up time in the bicycle portion.

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, most useful when erect, and contains the letters p,n,e,s,i?

Your spine

Humans are scared of hippos because they are violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year

But people kill way more people per year so that’s just being hippocritical.

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

Today I learned that humans eat more bananas than monkeys,

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA

Kicked out of the petting zoo

I got a job as a human cannonball.

I was immediately fired.

What’s the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon.

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An angel asked God, “Why did you make sex so good for the humans?”

God said, “‘Cuz I want them to scream my name.”

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I managed to have sex with my girlfriend for 1 hour 30 minutes doggy style last night...

That’s 4 minutes in human time.

At the end of the day, we’re all human beans

Together we will rice. Now lettuce pray. Ramen.

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwith of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

Billy Bob and Bubba are walking down a trail when they spot a human head under a bush...

"Lookit that, Bubba!" Billy Bob says. "Ain't that cousin Jeff?"

Bubba picks up the head, raises it to his eyes, squints, then shakes his head.

"Naw," he says. "Jeff was taller."

What do people say when you mix rat, pig and human DNA?

Hello congressman.

Not stolen!

To err is human

To arr is pirate.

Chiron, being half horse and half human doctor

was a centaur of disease control.

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What’s the most sensitive part of the human body when masturbating?

The ears.

After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

Did you know a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

If the average human can walk about 3 mph, and my local corner store is a 1/4 mile away

Why has it taken my dad 15 years to get a pack of cigarettes?

I had to quit my job at the Human Centipede laboratory.

I was having trouble making ends meet.

Did you know that the human cannonball circus act has a mortality rate of about 50%?

The other half didn't fare much better. They were all fired

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has just been deported.

Now we don't have Oleg to stand on.

Insomniacs are sick human beings...

...how do they even sleep at night?

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A cyclops asked his human wife

How do you spell Hawaii?

Wife : Well you need two i's

Cyclops : this isnt the time to fucking joke around linda

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Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer

I get reported for sexual harassment

Sometimes I wonder if I could kill someone, like do I have it in me to take a human life.. And then I remember...

Oh yeah, Debbie.

God: We should let these “humans” have time to rest.

Angel: Agreed

God: How about we have them go to sleep at night?

Angel: That sounds good! But how will they go to sleep?

God: That’s easy. We make them pretend to go to sleep for a few minutes, before it actually works and then they fall asleep.

Angel: ....

I wonder what the first human being ever said.

Probably "First"

Since dinosaurs came earlier than humans...

They are pre-daters.

My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes...

It’s like shooting fish in apparel...

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There were 2 brothers, one who could see what animals were thinking but couldn't speak, the other could see what fellow humans were thinking and could speak

One day they get an idea, they would go around visiting people with pets, the one who could read animal minds would find anything the pet disliked about their life, then the one who could read human minds would read their brother's mind and inform the owner.

They both begin their business an...

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Did you know that aside from humans, dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure?

I had to fuck a lot of animals to find that out.

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If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

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Miss Wilson is teaching her class of 1st graders basic human anatomy...

The teacher aimed her pointer at the female anatomy chart.

“Now class, does anyone know what these are called?” the teacher asked.

“I know! I know!” exclaimed the teacher's pet, Janie, sitting in the first row. “Those are breasts! My mommy has two of those, and she says some day I will...

If the human population held hands around the equator...

A significant portion of them would drown

What do you call someone who likes to take tiny bites of human flesh?

A Can-nibble

Humans are born with four kidneys.

##

When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

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The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history

Edit: Holy shit this blew up

How many bones are in a human hand?

a handful

There are 27 bones in the human hand

And 28 when I'm lonely

What did the loyal calculator say to its human?

You can count on me!

Why is it hard for cows to stand on two feet like humans?

Because they lack-toes...

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

What do you call a shapeshifter that turns into a human after being an owl?

A who man.

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

Never thought i could care about another human being until i had a child.

Now im 100% certain i cant.

A healthy human can grow up to eight feet

But most only have two.

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It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution...

And 1 generation since I fucked your mom.

Just like you, progress is slow.

Why does Sonic the Hedgehog have human teeth?

Rule 34

God creating humans

God: They will walk on 4 legs

Angel: Give them 2 legs and 2 arms

God: Ye, you're right

Angel: But give them toes

God: Why?

Angel: For the furniture, trust me it will be hilarious

God : LMAO, nice idea

I'm so mad about everyone being against Trump. He's so misunderstood...He's just a human being who wants to be loved....

by his Daughter.

Why do circuses rarely have human cannonballs anymore?

It's hard to find men of that caliber.

I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs…

If you'd like more details, I’ll be in my lab…

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

It's amazing how far humans have come since the caveman days

when people used to communicate by writing on walls....oh wait, we still do.

TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.

Human Resources

An HR manager was knocked down (tragically) by a bus and was killed. Her soul arrived at the Pearly Gates, where St.Peter welcomed her. “Before you get settled in” he said, “We have a little problem…you see, we’ve never had a HR manager make it this far before and we’re not really sure what to do wi...

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Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest

Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes."

The knight takes some time to think, he already ...

A little boy asked his father :" where did human kind came from ?"

The father answer :" at the begining, the god created eve and adam, and they start to give birth slowly till we become that many".
The kid didn't get convenced.. he went right to his mother and asked her the same question ..
The mother answer :" at the begining, there was small animals live...

I read today that the Prime Minister of Australia receives in the mail, on average, two parcels each week that contain human excrement.

I wonder who's sending the other one?

Humans are like drums

If you hit them with a stick they will make noise

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What does a alligator say to human walking away?

See you later masterbaiter...

90% of humans are actually perfect in every way

The other 10% are left-handed.

The teacher asks, "Flora, what part of the human body increases ten times when excited?"

Flora blushes and says, "That's disgusting, I won't even answer that question." The teacher calls on Johnny: "What part of the human body increases ten times when excited?" "That's easy," says Johnny. "It's the pupil of the eye." "Very good, Johnny," responds the teacher. "That’s correct." She then ...

Why are the brake discs of Miley Cyrus' car shaped like a human organ?

'cause nothing brakes like a heart.

The head of human resources is interviewing a potential candidate for the open position of corporate attorney.

“Would you consider yourself an honest lawyer?” the HR person asks in the interview.



“Honest?” the lawyer responds. “Let me tell you how honest I am. My father sold everything he had to put me through law school. After my very first case, I paid him back in full.”



“That...

Humans have a great mass of blood vessels.

In fact, if you stretched them all into one long line,
the human would die.

Like "please" is the magic word for humans, "mom" is the magic word for lost items.

Calling out "Mom!" will make the item appear instantly out of nowhere.

A human losing weight is like an atom losing electrons

Everything is positive after that.

All humans are catholic

Because they always have mass

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish

The results speak for themselves.

What’s the difference between stabbing a human and killing a hog

One is assaulting with intent to kill, the other is killing with intent to salt

A little girl asks her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answers, “Well, God made Adam and Eve and then they had kids. So all mankind was made.”

Two days later the little girl asks her father the exact same question.

The father answers, “Many years ago, there were monkeys from which the entire human race evolved.”

The co...

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What happens when a human in space cums?

He astronuts

Humans are just like snowflakes. Each one is unique in its own way

And a large amount of them on my windshield makes it harder to drive.

A boy asks his grand dad where humans cane from

The grand dad says “well, god created the earth and decided to make humans to populate it.”

The boy says “but that’s not what grand ma said!”

The grand dad asks “well what did she say?”

The boy says “grand ma says that a smart monkey girl had a baby with a smart monkey boy and ...

I wasn’t sure whether I should get involved in human trafficking.

But now I’m sold.

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A shark and his son go looking for a snack...

The father says, "I'm going to teach you how to catch a human. First you raise your fin out of the water and start circling, then you go in and eat them."

"Why circle them?" asks the son.

The father replies, "They taste better without shit in them."

The man that invented human cloning has died .

The mourners will probably be beside themselves at the funeral.

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