Human Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the o...

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The human sperm cell contains around 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25 ml and takes 5 seconds. Therefore the average bandwidth of the human penis is about 1687 TB/s

I know, I know that’s a lot of information to swallow.

The human cannonball at the circus decided to quit...

"But you can't quit!", cried the ringmaster. "Where am I going to find another man of your calibre??"

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

The idea that we can convert a dog's age to human years by multiplying by 7 is a total myth.

You multiply by 9/5 and add 32. It’s the muttric conversion.

What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?

Apparently the answer is "banned from the petting zoo".

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it?

Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today

Do you know who was the biggest sponser of the movie Human Centipede?

Nokia.

Nokia - Connecting people

Sorry.

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The human male ejaculate contains about 1500TB of information

Thats why I masturbate before an exam. I need to free up space.

You know what happened to humanity's most intelligent ancestor?

He decided having kids wasn't worth it.

What’s the best thing about being involved in human trafficking?

It can really take you places.

What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge?

John Wickipedia

If humans were categorized like dogs, people from Alabama would be...

The pure breds

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."

The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."

The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreati...

Someone told me today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Pretty obvious, since I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Reddit asked me to prove I'm human by identifying fire hydrants.

Joke's on them, I'm a dog and that was easy.

What do humans and octopuses have in common?

Two sets of forearms

The human mind is like Internet Explorer.

There are at least 9 tabs open.



3 of them are frozen.



And there is no clue where the music is coming from.

Hippopotamuses can outrun a human on land or in the water.

So if you’re in a triathlon against a hippo, you really have to make up time in the bicycle portion.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.

If storks bring human babies, what brings giant babies?

Cranes

They arrested me for violating human rights...

...Good thing they didn't find all those human lefts.

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

What do humans and jokes have in common?

They may have not been before, but after you dissect them, they're definitely dead.

A human fart can be louder than a trombone.

I recently discovered at my daughters school concert.

Glorious China is the greatest amd most respectful of human rights!!!!

Now that i have the attention of their self-praise seeking robot- free hong kong.

Humans have 206 bones in thier body

And still we think our dogs love us for no reason

If zombies eat humans...

Does that mean they bite the hand that feeds them?

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Doctor Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a robot that has to take an exam to become human.

Doctor: Don't worry, it'll pass.

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, most useful when erect, and contains the letters p,n,e,s,i?

Your spine

Humans are scared of hippos because they are violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year

But people kill way more people per year so that’s just being hippocritical.

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Human race need assholes

because without them we are ALL full of shit

My wife just said, “I just don’t understand the science behind human cloning.”

I said, “That makes two of us.”

What do you call an archaic human that wanders about aimlessly?

A Meanderthal.

At the end of the day, we’re all human beans

Together we will rice. Now lettuce pray. Ramen.

What is the most musical part of a humans body?

The Eardrum

Sign above bank teller’s station: “To err is human,

to forgive is not bank policy.”

I'm pretty sure whoever designed humans got input from Steve Jobs.

Why else would they call the flaps of skin on your eyes "iLids"?

Why did the bear refuse the magicians offer to make him human?

Being someone else would've been unbearable.

Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

I got a job as a human cannonball.

I was immediately fired.

Pandas are to Bears what Vegans are to Humans

Adorably unfit to survive

A scientist has made the greatest breakthrough in human history by discovering how to time travel...

..and after global fame and months of planning how to communicate, how to introduce his people and what to bring he and his assistant time travel back to Ancient Egypt as an ambassador to a famous queen. His visit is able to be broadcasted live to the present in front of billions and Egyptians from ...

Seeing the flash in the distance, Elton John knew he only had moments to live. He turned to the nearest celebrity at the party for one last human embrace.

"Hold me closer, Tony Danza."

After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

A boy wanted to know where humans came from

He asked his mom and she said: "Humans are descended from monkeys."

Then he asks his dad and he said: "Humans came from adam and eve"

The boy was confused and replied: "But mom said we are descended from monkeys."

The dad laughs and says: "Son, your mom's family is none of my bu...

Humans are just organ banks

And so is my refrigerator

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If the human race were close to extinction and there was only one woman left.

She's fucked.

If the average human can walk about 3 mph, and my local corner store is a 1/4 mile away

Why has it taken my dad 15 years to get a pack of cigarettes?

Assistant to the President: Sir, there's a crisis - somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar's Up left in existence.

President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me.

Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir ...

President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved!

Assistant to the Pres...

Humans are like the McRib...

We’re only here for a limited time and we SUCK.

How many bones are there in the human hand?

A handful.

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What did Mother Earth say when she wiped out every last human being on the earth?

"No Homo"

If you could choose between living in a world of eternal peace, or in a world where humans live side by side with Pokémon ..

Which starter would you choose ?

If the average human can walk 3 miles a day and the closest shop is 5

Why hasn't my dad come back yet?

I would tell a really corny joke about the human eye...

But I know an even cornea one.

A human head is carried into a bar...

“Hey I’ve never tried a beer before I think I’ll have that!” So he drinks the beer then POOF! He has a neck. “Wow this is great gimmie another one!” So he downs the next one and POOF! He has a body. He keeps drinking until he’s a full naked body in the bar. (But at least he has a body.) “You beer ha...

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An angel asked God, “Why did you make sex so good for the humans?”

God said, “‘Cuz I want them to scream my name.”

Back in the Middle Ages, horses were actually more intelligent than humans!

There were so many smart horses that every knight could have a Nobel Steed!

Imagine if the entire humanity worked towards discovering time travelling.

We would get it in no time!

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What’s the most sensitive part of the human body when masturbating?

The ears.

What’s the difference between a human and a bullet?

Humans miss JFK.

Apparently, when you supply Human Resources with a urine sample...

... it has to be because they requested it

I'm like a human dictionary.

Because of all this definition (while flexing arm that has never been worked out)

What Do Humans Know About Bonsai Trees

Very Little

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

Insomniacs are sick human beings...

...how do they even sleep at night?

Did you hear about the man who got job as a human cannonball?

He was so excited he went ballistic.

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has just been deported.

Now we don't have Oleg to stand on.

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home.

He smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven...

Today I made an in depth presentation about ground breaking research on bad effects of the two legged posture in humans

It was well received. In fact they even gave me a standing ovation.

Billy Bob and Bubba are walking down a trail when they spot a human head under a bush...

"Lookit that, Bubba!" Billy Bob says. "Ain't that cousin Jeff?"

Bubba picks up the head, raises it to his eyes, squints, then shakes his head.

"Naw," he says. "Jeff was taller."

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The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history

Edit: Holy shit this blew up

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

I had to quit my job at the Human Centipede laboratory.

I was having trouble making ends meet.

Did you know that the human cannonball circus act has a mortality rate of about 50%?

The other half didn't fare much better. They were all fired

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A woman, on a blind date with a stockbroker, asked her companion what his favorite stage of human development is, what she should be doing in the stock market, what his sexual orientation is, and about his preferred way to end a conversation. His answers left her feeling very in sync with him.

"Baby, buy, bi, bye."

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Miss Wilson is teaching her class of 1st graders basic human anatomy...

The teacher aimed her pointer at the female anatomy chart.

“Now class, does anyone know what these are called?” the teacher asked.

“I know! I know!” exclaimed the teacher's pet, Janie, sitting in the first row. “Those are breasts! My mommy has two of those, and she says some day I will...

God: We should let these “humans” have time to rest.

Angel: Agreed

God: How about we have them go to sleep at night?

Angel: That sounds good! But how will they go to sleep?

God: That’s easy. We make them pretend to go to sleep for a few minutes, before it actually works and then they fall asleep.

Angel: ....

I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs…

If you'd like more details, I’ll be in my lab…

Sometimes I wonder if I could kill someone, like do I have it in me to take a human life.. And then I remember...

Oh yeah, Debbie.

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Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer

I get reported for sexual harassment

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A cyclops asked his human wife

How do you spell Hawaii?

Wife : Well you need two i's

Cyclops : this isnt the time to fucking joke around linda

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A horse walks into a bar..

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "why the long face?"
The horse, unable to comprehend human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves

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Did you know that aside from humans, dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure?

I had to fuck a lot of animals to find that out.

A scientist got into an argument with God...

The scientist said, "We have decided we no longer need you, as we can create anything in the laboratory just as easy as you can create something."

God said, "OK let's see who can create a human from dirt."

The scientist reached down and gathered up some dirt...

God said, "Hey! G...

I wonder what the first human being ever said.

Probably "First"

If the human population held hands around the equator...

A significant portion of them would drown

What's the quickest way to a human's heart?

Keanu Reeves' smile!

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There were 2 brothers, one who could see what animals were thinking but couldn't speak, the other could see what fellow humans were thinking and could speak

One day they get an idea, they would go around visiting people with pets, the one who could read animal minds would find anything the pet disliked about their life, then the one who could read human minds would read their brother's mind and inform the owner.

They both begin their business an...

I raise chickens humanely, and I only eat the ones that die from natural causes.

Rocks are natural, right?

Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity...

The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end.

In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited...

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If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

Since dinosaurs came earlier than humans...

They are pre-daters.

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

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This is OC just made it up 2 minutes ago

So a teacher starts class by talking about responsibility, and says, “As you know, we’re all human, and we all make mistakes, but...” and just then, Johnny raised his hand, and the teacher called on him.

“Actually, I’ve never made a mistake.”

“There’s no way on earth Johnny, everyone ...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

There are 27 bones in the human hand

And 28 when I'm lonely

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

What do you call someone who likes to take tiny bites of human flesh?

A Can-nibble

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It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution...

And 1 generation since I fucked your mom.

Just like you, progress is slow.

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Today I see a blind gentleman and his seeing eye dog waiting at traffic light to cross the road

When the light turns green, the dog doesn't bring its human to cross the road, but starts peeing at the leg of the gentleman. Instead of punishing the dog, the gentleman takes out a treat to feed the dog.

I approach them and say: Excuse me sir. You are the most patient and kind owner I have ...

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