According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?

Your spine

What do you get when you cross human DNA with a goat?

Arrested and Banned from the petting zoo

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

Hello everyone! I'm a scientist and I am researching bestiality between humans and dogs.

I will be in my Lab if you need me.

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During a class on human sexuality, the professor was discussing various items in the Kinsey Report.

The students gasped audibly when the professor told them of a woman who had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"

A female voice followed with, "The hell with that... who was HE ?!!!

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A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat th...

I’m tired of people saying bears are like humans and that’s why you should care about the polar icecaps melting.

If bears were like humans they would be fine. The polar bears would steal land from the grizzly bears, have all the panda bears build them railroads. Send all the koala bears to Australia, all the gummy bears to San Francisco they’ll be fine. They’re start a country called Bearica and have a half bl...

1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.

1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.

What did the Martian call the human who was ran over by a bus?

A flat earther

By the end of the day, we are all human beans

and together we will rice.

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What abuse can a human use that a dog can't ?

Son of a bitch

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So a couple months back, I was invited to a costume party. I decided to go dressed as a pile of human excrement.

Needless to say, I was the shit that night

Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly,
Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to
ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my
parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very
red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss John...

You know the only phrase that keeps me human?

You are what you eat.

I hate those human verification boxes

If I wanted to get treated like a robot I’d sell weed

A new study has found that cats cannot transmit the Covid 19 virus to us humans, ...

...but, the study also found, if they could do it to us they would.

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Remember 1.7 to 0.2 million years ago when humans discovered that glowing hot red thing?

haha that shit was fire

When humans pee outside

It's probably the equivalent of ALL CAPS to the canine world.

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Me (to a sentient piece of human shit): "Hey, what were you before you were shit?" Shit: "Well, before I was consumed, masticated, and digested, I was a beautiful French baguette." "Does it disappoint you, that you were once so beautiful but are now a piece of shit?

"Are you kidding? I was bread for this."

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The president says we can cure COVID-19 by injecting ultraviolet light into humans....

... but I know when someone is blowing sunshine up my ass.

After contracting Covid-19 Famous Rapper DMX has promised to infect every human on earth with the virus.

This is apart of his earlier promise that "X gonna give it to ya"

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

Humans: There is absolutely nothing that can be done to combat climate change.

Mother Earth: Hold My Beer.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. –

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Following a particularly good year, the circus decided to spend their profits on a human cannonball exhibit

After the cannon was delivered, they realized that the manufacturer got the dimensions all wrong. The barrel was so narrow that only a child could fit inside, and a child would never be allowed to perform such a dangerous act.


Months went by and the cannon remained unused, until one day...

It's 2020. We need to WAKE UP. The biggest threat to humanity is here. This world is dying. We NEED to do something about this. We can't let this virus take over humanity.

Someone delete TikTok ffs.

It took a lot of work and thousands of hours from thousands of people, but the human race made sure to get to the moon by ‘69.

Nice.

They say the first human to make it mars will most likely be a woman

This way when the males get there dinner will be ready

There are two categories of humans

Either you have read 1984 or, well...

Why didn't the human anatomy professor tell her students they dissected the wrong body?

... She didn't have the heart to tell them.

The first humans spent many hours seeing what the sun did in the sky

Then they decided to call it a day.

To err is human

To arr is pirate

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Did you know if you took all the human blood vessels and layed them out end to end

You would go to prison and they would make a documentary about you. You sick fuck

During these uncertain times, it is important to remember that we are all still human beings and we should treat each other in a polite and respectful manner. If I come within 6' of you, just politely remind me about social distancing.

None of this, "I have a restraining order, creep!"

Humans are like slugs

They probably serve some purpose but you don't exactly know what.

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The human sperm cell contains around 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25 ml and takes 5 seconds. Therefore the average bandwidth of the human penis is about 1687 TB/s

I know, I know that’s a lot of information to swallow.

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My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body

I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there

What do you get when you cross a human being with a horrendous reality?

Suffering. You get suffering.

This isn't a joke, if you procreate you are gambling with someone else's wellbeing .

It doesn't matter how happy you may be, immense suffering exists.

Procreation inherently imposes a possibility of it occuring to the offspring, and it's beyond you...

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I have uncovered the human psychology behind all this toilet paper hoarding...

That’s just how we roll...

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...

The first contact between space aliens and humans

A space alien asks a human: "Why are so many of humans starving despite that there is plenty of food?"

"We don't have enough money."

"Why are so many humans homeless despite there being enough of homes?"

"We don't have enough money."

"Why are so many people ill despite th...

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Once there was a fight between Human Body Parts.

Brain said- I am the Boss, because I take all decisions.

Feet said they want to be the boss because they carry the whole load.

Heart said it is the lifeline and no one can survive without it.

Similarly, Lungs, kidney, liver, Hands, Eyes, etc came up with their reasons.

Wh...

Human Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the o...

Then new Coronavirus is spread through human to human transmission.

Guess that means Reddit won't see a decline in users.

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A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "Why the long face?"

The horse, incapable of understanding human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves

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So we, humans, have eyes on the front of our heads...

... meaning we’re predators. We also have the desire for sexual contact. Meaning we’re all technically sexual predators.



Now I’m just registered...

Everyone is debated capital punishment nowadays talking about lethal injection and humane treatment. Me, I think we should just shoot them in the head...

Seems like a no-brainer to me

What is it that separates humans from inanimate objects like shoes?

Soles.

A white man visits a rural tribe in Africa

A white man wants to take the trip of a lifetime, and decides on a trip to Africa. He is in a go nowhere job, with no friends or family, and is feeling down. He quits his job and decides to travel to a remote area, far from civilization. He does not like the touristy vibe that some places give off, ...

On July 20, 1969, humans landed on the moon for the first time

We would’ve gone earlier but the moon was full

I recently got a job as a human cannonball

Unfortunately I get fired multiple times per day.

What do humans and sharks have in common?

Only the great ones are white.

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

You know how they say that the human body is 60% water...

I’m not fat... I’m just hydrated AF

My next door neighbour keeps saying he's actually a big cat in a human suit.

To be honest I think he might be lion.

For over 30,000 years humans gave social "likes" by sharing beads made from ostrich eggs.

I guess you might call them emu-jis.

Humans advanced to the point of space domination and could create clones of themselves.

Two friends, Dill and Jeuk decided to play space tag. Dill was 'it'.

Jeuk had a clever trick up his sleeve. He created 50 clones of himself and hid them in the galaxy, while he himself hid in a cluster of comets.

After a lot of looking, Dill found the first clone in a nearby star syste...

If the human species were blind,

society would probably feel a lot different.

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Bull Testicles (this isn't necessarily NSFW but it's not for people who get grossed out easily so you've been warned)

My dad told me this a few years back

A tourist in Spain is in a restaurant near a bullfighting arena right after a bullfight.
There's a table nearby where a guy is eating a dish with two big balls in it and all around the table people are making merry.
The tourist got curious and asked ...

What's the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon

A Gnome.

A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.

"What are you?" asks the cat.

"I'm a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy.

I just love mischief!

And what, may I ask, creatu...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

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They say aside from humans, dolphins are the only other mammal that has sex for enjoyment

Can confirm

What happens when you cross a calculator with a human?

You get a friend you can count on

Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."

The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."

The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreati...

Humans and trash cans are very similar

If you stomp the foot, the mouth opens!

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My friend wants to do a one man show based on the human centipede movies, no one is ever going to watch that,

He needs to get his head out of his arse.

Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

When a human dies, which part of the body dies last?

The pupils, they dilate.

I told my friend my original movie concept: An ex-Secret Service agent's teenage daughter is abducted by human traffickers while on a trip to Paris.

He said "Sorry mate, I think that idea's taken"

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Humans only stutter

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students."Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl t...

A human asks a mermaid why she wears seashells

Mermaid: Cause I grew out of my B-shells

There are suspicions the coronavirus may have been transmitted to humans from poultry.

Investigators think it may have originated inside eggs.

They are now scrambling to confirm if that's true.

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Knock knock. "Who's there?" Pizza. "Pizza who?"

Pete's a fucking asshole. He promised me that he would cover my shifts during this outbreak, but apparently we weren't eligible for government benefits due to some shady shit in his past. So instead of handling it like a GOOD ~~manager~~ HUMAN BEING, he decides to double up my shifts. Which, of cour...

After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had. They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.

Did you hear that Eve died?

Humans were gone, reduced to Adams

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

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Did you know the human eye has a giant blindspot?

It's the Sun holy shit I can't see anything

The human cannonball at the circus decided to quit...

"But you can't quit!", cried the ringmaster. "Where am I going to find another man of your calibre??"

Hippopotamuses can outrun a human on land or in the water.

So if you’re in a triathlon against a hippo, you really have to make up time in the bicycle portion.

The human hand has a limit of how long - from wrist to fingertips - it can grow to of 11 inches...

... because if it’s longer than this, it’s a foot.

The doctor was teaching a caveman about human anatomy

Doctor: Do you know where the lungs are?

Caveman: I know this by heart

Do you know who was the biggest sponser of the movie Human Centipede?

Nokia.

Nokia - Connecting people

Sorry.

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?

"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the ...

There once was a group of ancient humans that casually roamed around aimlessly.

They were called the meanderthals

The idea that we can convert a dog's age to human years by multiplying by 7 is a total myth.

You multiply by 9/5 and add 32. It’s the muttric conversion.

I love short people

They are the most down to earth human beings

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Stereotypes in real life

A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair colour have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered,...

Politicians are like sperm

Only one in a million turn out to be a human being.

If humans were categorized like dogs, people from Alabama would be...

The pure breds

Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it?

Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today

Brown bears vs Grizzly bears

A Canadian park ranger is giving some ramblers a warning about bears, “Brown bears are usually harmless. They avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way. However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous. If you see an...

The human mind is like Internet Explorer.

There are at least 9 tabs open.



3 of them are frozen.



And there is no clue where the music is coming from.

I know the human body has 206 bones, but how many do you actually need?

Money is tight right now

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Two neighbourhood ladies were chatting over the fence

Suddenly, one of them says, "OMG, my husband will be home in a minute. I must rush home and make his dinner". She runs into the house and grabs the first thing she sees, a can of dog food.Sticks it in the micro-wave, heats it up and places it before him just in time for his dinner.

Next day s...

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