Human Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the o...

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

Someone told me today that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

Pretty obvious, since I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

What do you call an assassin with a massive amount of general human knowledge?

John Wickipedia

Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."

The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."

The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreati...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an ex...

A human fart can be louder than a trombone.

I recently discovered at my daughters school concert.

What do humans and jokes have in common?

They may have not been before, but after you dissect them, they're definitely dead.

Hippopotamuses can outrun a human on land or in the water.

So if you’re in a triathlon against a hippo, you really have to make up time in the bicycle portion.

My son is now at that age where he's curious about the human body.

I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.

Glorious China is the greatest amd most respectful of human rights!!!!

Now that i have the attention of their self-praise seeking robot- free hong kong.

If humans were categorized like dogs, people from Alabama would be...

The pure breds

If zombies eat humans...

Does that mean they bite the hand that feeds them?

What do humans and octopuses have in common?

Two sets of forearms

The human mind is like Internet Explorer.

There are at least 9 tabs open.



3 of them are frozen.



And there is no clue where the music is coming from.

What is the most musical part of a humans body?

The Eardrum

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Human race need assholes

because without them we are ALL full of shit

A boy wanted to know where humans came from

He asked his mom and she said: "Humans are descended from monkeys."

Then he asks his dad and he said: "Humans came from adam and eve"

The boy was confused and replied: "But mom said we are descended from monkeys."

The dad laughs and says: "Son, your mom's family is none of my bu...

I'm pretty sure whoever designed humans got input from Steve Jobs.

Why else would they call the flaps of skin on your eyes "iLids"?

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What do aliens say before having safe sex with humans?

We cum in peace.

What do you call an archaic human that wanders about aimlessly?

A Meanderthal.

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, most useful when erect, and contains the letters p,n,e,s,i?

Your spine

Humans are scared of hippos because they are violent and responsible for hundreds of deaths per year

But people kill way more people per year so that’s just being hippocritical.

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A sperm cell contains about 37.5 MB of information. There are about 100 million sperm cells per ml; the average ejaculation is about 2.25ml, and takes about 5 seconds. This makes the average bandwith of the human penis 1687 TB/sec

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow.

At the end of the day, we’re all human beans

Together we will rice. Now lettuce pray. Ramen.

Humans have 206 bones in thier body

And still we think our dogs love us for no reason

Humans are like the McRib...

We’re only here for a limited time and we SUCK.

Why did the bear refuse the magicians offer to make him human?

Being someone else would've been unbearable.

Seeing the flash in the distance, Elton John knew he only had moments to live. He turned to the nearest celebrity at the party for one last human embrace.

"Hold me closer, Tony Danza."

Humans are just organ banks

And so is my refrigerator

My wife just said, “I just don’t understand the science behind human cloning.”

I said, “That makes two of us.”

I got a job as a human cannonball.

I was immediately fired.

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If the human race were close to extinction and there was only one woman left.

She's fucked.

How many bones are there in the human hand?

A handful.

After you die, what part of the human body is the last to stop working?

Your pupils; they dilate.

Pandas are to Bears what Vegans are to Humans

Adorably unfit to survive

If the average human can walk 3 miles a day and the closest shop is 5

Why hasn't my dad come back yet?

If you could choose between living in a world of eternal peace, or in a world where humans live side by side with Pokémon ..

Which starter would you choose ?

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What did Mother Earth say when she wiped out every last human being on the earth?

"No Homo"

Did you know that a piranha can devour a human child to the bone in 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

If the average human can walk about 3 mph, and my local corner store is a 1/4 mile away

Why has it taken my dad 15 years to get a pack of cigarettes?

Back in the Middle Ages, horses were actually more intelligent than humans!

There were so many smart horses that every knight could have a Nobel Steed!

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An angel asked God, “Why did you make sex so good for the humans?”

God said, “‘Cuz I want them to scream my name.”

What do you get when mixing human DNA and goat DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

A human head is carried into a bar...

“Hey I’ve never tried a beer before I think I’ll have that!” So he drinks the beer then POOF! He has a neck. “Wow this is great gimmie another one!” So he downs the next one and POOF! He has a body. He keeps drinking until he’s a full naked body in the bar. (But at least he has a body.) “You beer ha...

Imagine if the entire humanity worked towards discovering time travelling.

We would get it in no time!

What’s the difference between a human and a bullet?

Humans miss JFK.

To err is human

To arr is pirate.

I'm like a human dictionary.

Because of all this definition (while flexing arm that has never been worked out)

Apparently, when you supply Human Resources with a urine sample...

... it has to be because they requested it

What Do Humans Know About Bonsai Trees

Very Little

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A woman, on a blind date with a stockbroker, asked her companion what his favorite stage of human development is, what she should be doing in the stock market, what his sexual orientation is, and about his preferred way to end a conversation. His answers left her feeling very in sync with him.

"Baby, buy, bi, bye."

Billy Bob and Bubba are walking down a trail when they spot a human head under a bush...

"Lookit that, Bubba!" Billy Bob says. "Ain't that cousin Jeff?"

Bubba picks up the head, raises it to his eyes, squints, then shakes his head.

"Naw," he says. "Jeff was taller."

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What’s the most sensitive part of the human body when masturbating?

The ears.

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Miss Wilson is teaching her class of 1st graders basic human anatomy...

The teacher aimed her pointer at the female anatomy chart.

“Now class, does anyone know what these are called?” the teacher asked.

“I know! I know!” exclaimed the teacher's pet, Janie, sitting in the first row. “Those are breasts! My mommy has two of those, and she says some day I will...

Did you hear about the man who got job as a human cannonball?

He was so excited he went ballistic.

I had to quit my job at the Human Centipede laboratory.

I was having trouble making ends meet.

Did you know that the human cannonball circus act has a mortality rate of about 50%?

The other half didn't fare much better. They were all fired

God: We should let these “humans” have time to rest.

Angel: Agreed

God: How about we have them go to sleep at night?

Angel: That sounds good! But how will they go to sleep?

God: That’s easy. We make them pretend to go to sleep for a few minutes, before it actually works and then they fall asleep.

Angel: ....

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has just been deported.

Now we don't have Oleg to stand on.

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A cyclops asked his human wife

How do you spell Hawaii?

Wife : Well you need two i's

Cyclops : this isnt the time to fucking joke around linda

If a mass of beef fat is 'tallow', and mass of pig fat is 'lard', what is a mass of human fat called?

'American'.

Just kidding, it's actually called 'Yo Momma'.

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Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer

I get reported for sexual harassment

Insomniacs are sick human beings...

...how do they even sleep at night?

There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home.

He smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. And with his last strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven...

Humans are born with four kidneys.

##

When they grow up, two of them become adult knees.

I wonder what the first human being ever said.

Probably "First"

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Bizarre Facts no One Knows

1. Most humans were born on their birthday
2. The distance from the Earth to the Sun is the same exact distance from the Sun to the Earth
3. A normal skeleton has enough bones to make an entire skeleton
4. If you took out all your veins and laid them out end to end, you would die.
5. The...

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The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history

Edit: Holy shit this blew up

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Did you know that aside from humans, dolphins are the only animals that have sex for pleasure?

I had to fuck a lot of animals to find that out.

Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity...

The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end.

In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited...

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There were 2 brothers, one who could see what animals were thinking but couldn't speak, the other could see what fellow humans were thinking and could speak

One day they get an idea, they would go around visiting people with pets, the one who could read animal minds would find anything the pet disliked about their life, then the one who could read human minds would read their brother's mind and inform the owner.

They both begin their business an...

Since dinosaurs came earlier than humans...

They are pre-daters.

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If planet Earth was a human body, the UK would be the colon because everything it touches turns to shit.

That's why it's called Colonization.

If the human population held hands around the equator...

A significant portion of them would drown

Sometimes I wonder if I could kill someone, like do I have it in me to take a human life.. And then I remember...

Oh yeah, Debbie.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

I raise chickens humanely, and I only eat the ones that die from natural causes.

Rocks are natural, right?

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A female journalist is taking a tour of a new science facility.

Scientist: Here at our lab we've been testing what would happen to GMO foods if, instead of producing foods with genes intended for fast production, we could develop GMO foods into potentially another form of species.

Journalist: That's interesting what foods have you tested this on?

...

What do you call someone who likes to take tiny bites of human flesh?

A Can-nibble

I’m a scientist who’s researching bestiality between humans and dogs…

If you'd like more details, I’ll be in my lab…

There are 27 bones in the human hand

And 28 when I'm lonely

Hippos can run faster than humans on land, and swim faster than humans in water.

Which means the bicycle is your only chance of beating a hippo in a triathlon.

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

I bet a lot of money that scientists will be able to perfect human cloning soon.

If not, I won’t be able to live with myself.

Never thought i could care about another human being until i had a child.

Now im 100% certain i cant.

Why is it hard for cows to stand on two feet like humans?

Because they lack-toes...

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It's been 125,000 generations since the emergence of human species, 7,500 generations since human physiology reached what is essentially its modern state, 500 generations since the agricultural revolution, 20 generations since the scientific revolution...

And 1 generation since I fucked your mom.

Just like you, progress is slow.

I'm so mad about everyone being against Trump. He's so misunderstood...He's just a human being who wants to be loved....

by his Daughter.

The time is midnight. Three vampires gather in a room.

The three vampires are arguing who is the strongest vampire. So, they decide to have a small competition to see who sucks more blood from humans. The first vampire stands up, and flies into the window of the hotel room. He returns back in an hour, his mouth stained with blood. The other two vampires...

What do you call a shapeshifter that turns into a human after being an owl?

A who man.

TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

This is partially due to the fact that most humans don't like the taste of monkey.

What did the loyal calculator say to its human?

You can count on me!

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I managed to have sex with my girlfriend for 1 hour 30 minutes doggy style last night...

That’s 4 minutes in human time.

Why does Sonic the Hedgehog have human teeth?

Rule 34

A healthy human can grow up to eight feet

But most only have two.

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A reporter walks into a bar...

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

Why do circuses rarely have human cannonballs anymore?

It's hard to find men of that caliber.

Earthquake

During an earthquake, coffins double in function as human maracas.

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