I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

What do you get when you inject soda from a dirty needle?

Pep C

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle...

than for karma whores to stop reposting on Reddit.

My girlfriend poked a hole through the condom with a sharp needle, but I don't mind having a child

If only she'd let me take it off first.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I may have a needle dick.

But I fuck like a sewing machine.

Last night I ran out of sewing needles.

I should go to the supermarket and grab myself a punnet.

The sword swallower went to a sewing store to buy pins and needles

He was on a diet

Right before surgery, I asked my anesthetist whether I can administer the needle myself.

He said, “Sure. Knock yourself out.”

Thanks to the anti-vaxx movement, people are dying needlelessly.

I hope this goes viral.

A priest comes to a hotel and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread.

A priest comes to a hotel and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread. The staff thought it's a curious thing to ask for, but they nonetheless deliver.
Next year, the priest comes again, and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread. Staff members were really curious, so they decided to...

Why do people keep blunt needles?

There’s no point.

I stabbed twenty people in the supermarket line with thin needles.

It's a new type of therapy I'm calling "aqueuepuncture".

I don’t vaccinate my kids because I don’t feel safe jamming a needle into their arm.

I’d rather have a professional do it

You'd think anti-vaxxers would love needles...

They're used to surrounding themselves with a bunch of pricks.

There's a magician who's really good with needle tricks

People *really* don't appreciate it when he makes it appear right before their eye.

Mom: I don’t think you know what it means to thread a needle through cloth.

Child: Yeah. Sew?

Why did the blind man fall off the Space Needle?

Because he couldn’t Seattle.

A maniac is on the loose after stabbing 6 people with a knitting needle...

Early reports from the police suggest he is following some kind of pattern...

Whenever anybody says they are trying to find a needle in a haystack, I cant help but wonder...

...who was shooting up in the barn?

Adding an s to the word "needles"...

Is needless.

How do you find a needle in a hay stack?

Lock a junkie in the barn

Protip: If you're looking for a needle in a haystack...

...you should probably be more concerned about confronting your horse concerning his drug problem

I had a horrible experience giving blood today, the staff were horrible, the needles hurt and I felt really unhappy.

Apparently I'm, "a negative".

How do you deal with an intern who's depressed because he just pricked his finger with a HIV contaminated needle?

You'll give him the PEP talk.

I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain…

The heroin worked a treat for me.

A man was sentenced to death, but wasn't told how they'll kill him.

Needless to say, they left him hanging.

Whats it called when you're stabbed by a needle?

A syringery

I'm trying to think of a sewing pun but I'm really struggling.

I needle the help I can get.

My girlfriend tried to poke holes in one of my condoms with a needle.

Which I wouldn't have been too angry about, had I not been wearing it at the time.

My girlfriend and I were arguing about who had touched the air conditioner last, because it wouldn't turn on.

Needless to say, things got pretty heated.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Needle

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches ...

My grandma was not allowed to bring her knitting needles on the airplane.

They were worried she might knit an afghan.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is at the dentist for a root canal.

The dentist, picking up a syringe, moved toward the patient.

“WHOAAA! What’s that for?” Asked the patient

“Well, this injection will numb the area around your tooth and keep you from feeling pain during the procedure” explained the dentist.

“No way! I am deathly afraid of needl...

What do you get when you take a needle to a balloon filled with yogurt?

pop culture

BMW

A man in his mid forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue li...

I became an anti-vaxxer after my doctor’s nurse insulted me.

Right before poking me with the needle, she said: “Get ready... little prick!”

A man and his wife go to the dentist to get a rotten tooth removed

The man tells the dentist, "Look doc, I don't want any painkillers. No gas, no needles, nothing. Just get in, yank out the tooth, and we'll get out of here.

"I wish more of my patients had your fortitude," says the doctor admiringly. "Which tooth is rotten?"

The man turns to his wif...

There was once a 10 year old little boy

Riding his blue bicycle in his mountain town. He hears a strange, unfamiliar bell coming from the top of the nearby mountain. He decides to investigate the next day. He wakes up extra early at 7am and begins his summit to find the bell. He arrives at the top of the mountain after a long 12 hour bike...

So I heard you like puns with convoluted setups...

well, much like a child insisting her mother use needles and yarn to repair her favorite plush animal named after it's bright, glinting visual organs reminding one of morning precipitation: Sew dew eye.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looked at the rab...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sunday School Suzy

There was once a girl named Suzy. She went to Sunday school at her local church every week. Her parents were lenient so she slept through most of the days. One day while Suzy was asleep she was called on by the teacher. The teacher asked “Suzy, what is the name of our lord and saviour?”. Suzy didn’t...

What do a haystack and an anti-vaxxer’s kid have in common?

It’s rare to find a needle in either of them.

A woman called a doctor

And said, "Doctor! It's an emergency. My husband swallowed a needle. You've got to come quickly!"

The doctor rushed to help them but on the way he got another call. It was from the same woman.

"There's no longer an emergency. I found another needle."

What's the difference between anti-vaxxers and vaccines?

Needles actually have a point.

I'm starting a business that is half bowling alley and half safe injection site.

It's going to be called "Pins & Needles".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An american, a german and an albanian.

An american, a german and an albanian got caught by the devil. The devil transformed into a shark and said:
"Each one if you will throw something in this lake and ill look for it. If i find it i get your soul, and if I don't you become emortal."
The american goes first and throws a pebble. Ten...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A paper bag walks into the doctors because he's feeling a little down

Has some tests and come back a week later.

Doctor says, "I'm sorry son, but you're HIV positive"

The bag is in disbelief "How can this happen, I'm a paper bag?"

"Have you ever had unprotected sex?"

"We'll no, I'm a paper bag"

"What about sharing needles"

"No...

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

"Why would you ever do such a thing!" He exclaimed.

"Well you see Mr Gandalf, after our adventure we haven't been able to feel the euphoria of being a hero until we tried this wonderful magic crys...

I recently started sewing myself a sweater but I didn't have all the proper equipment...

...needle-less to say, I didn't get very far.

Newfie Execution

A Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander are involved in a grisly crime and are all sentenced to death. The executioner told them that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

The Americ...

I tried playing my Demi Lovato record today

But the needle kept getting stuck

Mike Tyson in Egypt

So mike Tyson is vacation in Egypt. He is having a great time but slowly begins to run out of things to do. A few days go by and he even grows tired of gawking at the pyramids. He’s searching for something to do! He heads to his local marketplace. There he finds a book on ancient Egyptian hieroglyph...

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.

After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It"s disgusting to watch.". "Listen love." He...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A zoo bought a female gorilla

About a week after buying a gorilla the zookeepers noticed the gorilla became extremely aggressive. There was nothing they could do to console the gorilla. After awhile even when they fed the gorilla it would refuse to eat and throw its food against the wall.

After this went on for awhile the...

Two boys are in class during religious education.

The first boy gets so bored that he falls asleep. The teacher then asks the class, "who created the earth?"

The second boy pulls out a needle and jabs his friend in the arm. He wakes up, startled, and yells, "God Almighty!"

"Correct," says the teacher.

The boy eventually drifts ...

long. Two cops lead an unfortunate man into a padded cell

Instantly the men in white coats grab him, wrench his arms behind his back and, when he screams in pain, the psychiatrist tears down his trousers and jags him with a needle.

As they're carrying the unconcious body out the younger of the cops, shocked, says:

"Was that really necessary? ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Piss Pop Piss Pop

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factory where he had just been hired. The plant manufactured various latex products, and had a reputation for using cutting edge technology in its manufacturing process.

On one side of the building, the factory made baby bottle nipples. The...

Three guys are doing heroin in a back alley...

The first guy takes an alcohol swab and wipes the needle down, then injects the heroin into his arm. He then passes the needle to the next guy, who swabs the needle, then injects the drug. After taking his drug, he hands the needle to the third one, who grabs the needle and jams it into his arm, wit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rabbit is running through the steppe when he meets a giraffe which is rolling a joint.

"No giraffe, you don't have to smoke that. Just come running with me!", it says to the giraffe. After thinking a few seconds, the giraffe happily joins the rabbit.

After a while they meet an elephant which is about to sniff some cocain. "No elephant, you don't have to sniff that. Just come ru...

A guy kept falling asleep in church

A guy kept falling asleep in church, so his wife asked the priest what she could do. The priest gives her a needle and tells her to stab him with it when he’s asleep.

The next day, during the sermon, the priest asks the church, ‘Who is our Saviour?’

The guy falls asleep. His wife stab...

My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."

"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."

"No," I said. "I mean being single."

I don't ever get blood tests.

It's not because I'm afraid of needles or anything.

It's just that my blood's under enough pressure as is.

An Englishman, an American and a Dutchman found a genie in an ancient tomb.

"BEHOLD MORTALS!" the genie bellowed. "I SHALL GRANT YOU IMMORTAL LIFE!"

Immediately, all three men are excited.

"But, dear chap, there must be a catch!" the Englishman yelled.

"Of course! You must beat me in a contest. You may throw anything, no matter how large or how small i...

A blind tourist asks for directions...

A blind tourist asks a fella for directions.

He says, "Where can I find my way to Seattle?"

The fella looks at him, up and down, he hands the blind tourist a compass and said "Just follow the needle. "

The blind tourist replies sarcasticly, "oh haha, thaat's hilarious." and wal...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My favorite joke

Two guys are drinking in the restaurant atop the Space Needle on a windy day.

Man 1: You... You know... When it is this windy, you can jump off the edge, and the wind will blow you back on.

Man 2: Bull.

Man 1: No man, I'm telling you. The wind just blows you back on. Here, let ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I were ready to head out for dinner...

...windows closed, nightlight on, blanket over the bird cage and cat in the backyard.
We ordered an Uber which arrived shortly after.

But right when we were leaving the house, the damn cat ran back inside through the closing door. Cat alone at home is a bad idea though because she always...

I went to the ER with severe lacerations...

The triage nurse explained that they were packed and it’s be at least two hours before I would be able to see a doctor.

Since I was in a hurry I asked the nurse for a needle and thread.

She replied, “Suture self.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife finds out her husband has been cheating on her.

Heartbroken and keen to seek revenge, she takes a trip to the local witch doctor to buy a voodoo doll.

She brings it home and waits for her husbands return.

As he walks in the door he notices his wife sitting in dead silence, lights off, with only the dim glow of the fireplace lighting...

The World Expert on Wasps

A man was walking down a quiet street, when something caught his eye in the window of a charity shop. He wandered over to take a closer look, then smiled to himself, nodded, and entered the shop.

He walked up to the counter and said to the man serving there, "Is that record in the window real...

At the Doctor’s Office

Was at the doctor’s office to get a check up this morning:

*doctor pulls out needle for shot*

Me: “Oh boy, needles make me a little nervous. I’m not gonna look.”

Doctor: “That’s okay. I won’t either.”

Then he gave me the shot before I had the chance to chuckle!

To make it stand, I have to wet it; to make it wet, I have to suck it; to make it stiff, I have lick it; and to get it in, I have to push it...

... Threading a needle isn't easy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pinocchio.

What would happen to Pinocchio if he said "my nose is going to grow" he would be telling a lie so his nose would then grow,but because it is growing it would make Pinocchio's statement true which would mean that his nose won't grow or might stop growing, but then again because it will stop growing i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Anesthesia

A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthesia shot.

“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaimed.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and the man said, “I can’t do the gas thing. Just the thought o...

Girls on dating apps get bombarded with too many lame and boring messages

For them, finding the good ones is like finding a needle in a hey-stack.

Little Jenny isn't a very good student

She gives an especially poor performance at religion classes. One day, the teacher asks Little Jenny a question.

'So Jenny, could you tell me who created the world?'

Little Jenny is thinking hard, but she doesn't really now the answer. Suddenly, Little Johnny who's sitting behind her s...

Why do Christmas trees suck at sewing?

They’re always dropping their needles!

Self service in the OR

Near the end of my operation, I suddenly woke up and demanded the right to close my incision.

Reluctantly, the surgeon handed me the needle and said, "Suture self.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three pregnant women are sitting in the waiting room of their ob/gyn knitting onesies for their babies.

The first woman puts her needles down, takes a pill from her purse and swallows it.

"What was that?" the other two inquire.

"Iron," she says, "my baby is going to be strong!"

They go back to knitting. After some time has passed the second woman takes a pill from her purse and sw...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the ICU

Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.

He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him. He realized that he w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke my friend told me (translated to English)

So there was this army general whose wife was cheating on him with his men. So the general decided to punish those that had sex with his wife, and to reward those that didn't.

The general placed a small needle in his wife's vagina. On the next day, he walked into the room with his men and he...

A lady moves to a new town

She needs a job and the only place to work within 50 miles is a tickle me Elmo factory.
So she drives there the very next day. She is immediately sent to the head honchos office, and he says to her "this is your lucky day, we just lost somone in the factory and you would be perfect for the j...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A little rabbit is running happily through the forest

... when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with ...

Two old friends meet in bar...

[translated from Turkish]

-Hey Jack! How have you been! It's been months!

-Bonjour Monsieur ! Indeed, it's been a while


-"Bonjour Monsieur"? What's this French?

-Mais biensur !

-Don't screw with me Jack. I know you don't know French. We both went to the sam...

Looking through my Tinder inbox for something interesting and not boring...

It's like trying to find a needle in a hey-stack.

What is the difference between Courtney Love and a porcupine?

A porcupines needle won't give you AIDS

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

LA police are hunting for a man after 12 people were stabbed in the ass...

LA police are hunting for a man after 12 people were stabbed in the ass with a knitting needle tonight.

The motive is unclear, but they believe the attacker is following some kind of pattern...

Some Christmas jokes!

**What is the best Christmas present in the world?**

A broken drum – you just can’t beat it

**What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?**

It's Christmas, Eve!

**What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?**

Frostbite!

**Why are...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to the dentist...

A man went to the dentist to have a tooth extracted.
The dentist gets him seated and says " Ok, just a little novocaine and we can get started.
The man says " Oh doc, I'm not so great with needles, I can't do that..."
"Ok, how about a mask? Can I use that to put you under?"
"No D...

One day Mr. Rabbit was hopping through the woods..

He was out hopping through the woods, enjoying nature. After hopping around for a while he came across Mr. Deer, who was sparking-up a joint. Mr. Rabbit approached him and said, "Mr. Deer, you don't need that stuff. We have all of this beautiful nature to enjoy. Put that out, and come frolic wit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A hare is running around the forest...

Runs, runs, and suddenly he sees a fox, smoking weed. So he stops, and says: "Hey, fox, stop smoking this shit, drugs are bad! Do something for your health instead, come run with with me!" The fox thinks about it for a second, then puts out the joint and comes running with the hare.

The run, ...