UPJOKE
prickgoadacupuncturesewingpointerpointacerate leafthreadhaystacksuturehypodermicknitting needlesewing needlesyringetube

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Sex is like threading a needle.

It's easier to get in after a little lick.

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”...

Yesterday my wife shouted down to me from up stairs. ‘Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest, like someone’s got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it with a needle?’

'No,' I called back.

She shouted, ‘How about now?’

I left my girlfriend when I saw her trying to pop holes in one of my condoms with a needle.

I wouldn't have minded so much if I hadn't been wearing it at the time.

I went to the doctor and got a needle stuck in my arm

Is much less depressing than "I got a needle stuck in my arm and then went to the doctor".

I asked my acupuncturist to use smaller needles this time, but they ignored me.

I’ve never felt so stabbed in the back.

Just got my vaccine, but they stuck the needle in my leg.

I spent the following day thinking “my Pfizer killing me”

Did you hear about the nun who got addicted to knitting?

She said that needles were habit forming.

If you're looking for a needle in a haystack...

...you should probably be more concerned about confronting your horse concerning his drug problem.

Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles

You know, heroin

It’s no wonder why anti-vaxxers hate needle injections…

They always miss the point.

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Extraction

A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction. It all happened in an ins...

Phone rings. Poet friend. He asks, "Do you ever get shooting pains like someone's got a voodoo doll of you they're stabbing with a long needle agan and again?"

"No," I reply.

Long pause.

Sounding concerned, he says, "How about now?"

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

Why do people keep adding an extra s after 'needles'?

I don’t see the point, it’s needless.

The worst job I ever had was at the canvas factory, pushing a large needle through 50 layers of cloth over and over and over...

Sew boring!

The needle insulted me as it entered my arm

What a prick.

I stopped vaccinating my kids because I wasn't comfortable jamming a needle into their arms.

Now I get my Doctor to do it.

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Drunk needles

Two drunk needles walk out of the bar. They see an hedgehog walking by and one of them goes:

“Crap, the bus is full. I guess we gotta walk home.”

Last night I ran out of sewing needles.

I should go to the supermarket and grab myself a punnet.

A man in his mid forties brought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to see what the engine had.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW", he thought to himself and increased the speed even further.

The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally the reality hit him and he knew he shouldn't run from ...

I'm on pins and needles

I'm on pins and needles waiting for the results of my acupuncture exam.

Today there's been another gruesome murder by the killer that police have nicknamed "The knitting needles killer"

Police fear he may be working to a pattern

Why wouldn't the string go into the eye of the needle?

It was afreyed.

Student :Sir i have found a needle

Teacher:oh, I see your point

My grandmum always asked “Why do you keep walking around on pins and needles?”

I’d absolutely love not to.

If only she’d not forget her knitting on the floor.

Hold it firmly...

Hold it firmly in your hand.

Put it in your mouth.

Lick it to straighten it.

If it doesn't work, suck it.

Now you can put it in the hole.

Damn threading a needle is no joke.

Right before surgery, I asked my anesthetist whether I can administer the needle myself.

He said, “Sure. Knock yourself out.”

I want everyone to know that I got a needle for my turntable.

I just want to put it on the record.

How do you find a needle in a hay stack?

Lock a junkie in the barn

Whenever anybody says they are trying to find a needle in a haystack, I cant help but wonder...

...who was shooting up in the barn?

My girlfriend poked a hole through the condom with a sharp needle, but I don't mind having a child

If only she'd let me take it off first.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He list...

What do you call a pastry made out of needles?

A porcupie

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

A maniac is on the loose after stabbing 6 people with a knitting needle...

Early reports from the police suggest he is following some kind of pattern...

Mom: I don’t think you know what it means to thread a needle through cloth.

Child: Yeah. Sew?

What do you get when you inject soda from a dirty needle?

Pep C

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I may have a needle dick.

But I fuck like a sewing machine.

What did one needle say to the other?

Looking sharp!

The sword swallower went to a sewing store to buy pins and needles

He was on a diet

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The Needle

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches ...

I don’t vaccinate my kids because I don’t feel safe jamming a needle into their arm.

I’d rather have a professional do it

How do you deal with an intern who's depressed because he just pricked his finger with a HIV contaminated needle?

You'll give him the PEP talk.

I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain…

The heroin worked a treat for me.

Adding an s to the word "needles"...

Is needless.

There's a magician who's really good with needle tricks

People *really* don't appreciate it when he makes it appear right before their eye.

I stabbed twenty people in the supermarket line with thin needles.

It's a new type of therapy I'm calling "aqueuepuncture".

I had a horrible experience giving blood today, the staff were horrible, the needles hurt and I felt really unhappy.

Apparently I'm, "a negative".

A priest comes to a hotel and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread.

A priest comes to a hotel and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread. The staff thought it's a curious thing to ask for, but they nonetheless deliver.
Next year, the priest comes again, and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread. Staff members were really curious, so they decided to...

Why did the blind man fall off the Space Needle?

Because he couldn’t Seattle.

What do you get when you take a needle to a balloon filled with yogurt?

pop culture

There was this rusty old medical needle.

He was sad because he’d been used and just discarded like trash.

Being sad and lonely, one day he decided to sign up with an agency to help him find the woman of his dreams.

They hooked him up with a big fat syringe. He wasn’t very attracted to her, (he liked his women to be a bit more...

Most senators are like the needles of a cactus

They're pricks

Covid vaccine side effects

So I’m in line for my covid vaccine and there’s an older gentleman in front of me…

We get called up simultaneously and both get sat next to each other.
I over heard his discussion with the doctor…

“What’s is your insurance? Date of birth? When was your last appointment?”

The...

“I’ve been licking it for ages but it still isn’t stiff enough to get it in!” said the exasperated wife to her husband,

“Darling, maybe sewing isn’t for you if you can’t even thread a needle...”

A white baby was born in a black tribe from the jungle

The news travelled fast around the tribe and soon after, the confusion led to anger. Upon his return from the jungle, the white British zoologist who was living with the tribe for the past 3 years, was quickly apprehended and brought to the tribe's chief to be urgently judged.

At first, the t...

Two girlfriends are talking

"Listen to this" says the first, "I needed some cash so I was rummaging through my husband's pockets, and I found a handful of condoms."

"Wow" says the second, "so what did you do?"

"I took a needle and made a bunch of holes in all of them."

"Well I'm screwed then" says the s...

James finds Timmy crying at a hospital...

"Timmy!" James exclaims, "What happened?"

"I had a blood test today, and the doctor stabbed a massive needle into my arm," Timmy responds.

James then proceeds to cry more hysterically than Timmy.

Timmy looks over and asks, "Why are you suddenly crying now?"

James wails, "...

My grandma was not allowed to bring her knitting needles on the airplane.

They were worried she might knit an afghan.

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

How to deal with stress

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. "I've been so stressed lately," he complains to the bartender. "So I recently started doing that Chinese thing with the needles." "Acupuncture?" the bartender asks. "No," the guy replies. "Heroin."

My girlfriend said she was getting an enormous tattoo of a tarantula on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."

"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."

"Actually," I added, "I meant being single."

Some call people dying from not vaccinating a needless tragedy…

I call it a Needle-less tragedy

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A mental patient who believes that he is dead in the mental hospital where he is admitted

Therefore does not eat and does not participate in any vital activities, could not be convinced that he is not dead despite all the efforts made by all expert psychiatrists.

One of the psychiatrists, who understands that the patient will not give up on this decision and undertakes his treatme...

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I had the strangest visitors this halloween…

As I opened the door, there stood three men. One butt naked with only a glass jar over his pecker, one in overalls and one furiously masturbating.

After overcoming my initial shock, I asked the man in overalls what the fuck they were doing here. He replied:”hey, sweetie, wanna do it machinist...

(NSFW) Little Jonny is in sewing class

when all of a sudden, he clumsily catches himself with the sewing needle. Seeing that he is bleeding, the teacher offers him a plaster. ‘That won’t do Miss’, says Little Jonny. ‘What I need is some cider’. ‘Don’t be ridiculous’, says the teacher. ‘What on earth for?’ Little Jonny replies, ‘My sister...

To make it stand, you wet it.

To make it wet, you suck it.

To make it stiff, you lick it.

To get it in, you push it!

Damn! Threading a needle at any age is no joke.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

"Why would you ever do such a thing!" He exclaimed.

"Well you see Mr Gandalf, after our adventure we haven't been able to feel the euphoria of being a hero until we tried this wonderful magic crys...

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Big Game Hunter goes to Siberia to hunt Russian Bear

When he arrives on the train station (probably the only one in Siberia) he is greeted by the village hunter/gatherer/provider who has a very mangy, tiny, old dog leashed with a massive iron chain.
\-"Right, I'll help you." says the native "Here's what we're going to need: A great big blow horn,...

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Two boys are in class during religious education.

The first boy gets so bored that he falls asleep. The teacher then asks the class, "who created the earth?"

The second boy pulls out a needle and jabs his friend in the arm. He wakes up, startled, and yells, "God Almighty!"

"Correct," says the teacher.

The boy eventually drifts ...

Faithful

After having died, a couple souls flied to the heaven gate, St.Pierre opened the door and informed that for one time of unfaithfulness to each other in their life they will be prod by a needle.
After being prod 5 times, the wife turned to St.Pierre and asked:
“Where is my husband?”
“He i...

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in hell

A man goes to hell. They tell him:

-- You have not sinned too much, so we allow you to choose torture yourself.

He goes into the first room and there people are fried in a frying pan. It doesn't suit him and he leaves.
In the second room needles are inserted under the nails.
“It ...

I tried playing my Demi Lovato record today

But the needle kept getting stuck

A chap Tours a factory that produces latex products.

A chap is going on tour of a factory that produces latex products.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a ...

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My favorite joke

Two guys are drinking in the restaurant atop the Space Needle on a windy day.

Man 1: You... You know... When it is this windy, you can jump off the edge, and the wind will blow you back on.

Man 2: Bull.

Man 1: No man, I'm telling you. The wind just blows you back on. Here, let ...

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One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."
The giraffe looked at the rabbit,...

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A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest... (nsfw)

...when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"

The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabb...

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Little Bugger

The man at the bar looked sadly into his pint of beer and sighed heavily.

"What's up, Bob?" asked the bartender. "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth."

"It's my four-year-old son," he said. "The little bugger's got our next-door neighbor pregnant."

"Get away!" exclaimed...

In the teats and comdoms factory.

The mayor is visiting a new factory where they make teats and comdoms. When they are near the machine that makes teats it sounds like

"fffff pop,
fffff pop,
fffff pop..."

The mayor asked her assistant to explain it.

Assistant: Well the "fffff" is when the latex gets inflat...

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A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him,

He says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "abs...

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[Nsfw] A patient visits the doctor and is worried to talk about his illness.....

He feels shy to talk about his slim penis.......

Doc: "Dont be worried, what's wrong with you?"

Patient: "I am embarrassed to say. You may look at my thin penis and laugh."

Doc: "Dont be worried. if I laugh, I will only take half my fees."

Patient removes his pants and sh...

So I’m at the dentist yesterday...

So I’m at the dentist yesterday, the dentist has a needle deep in my gums. As he’s concentrating, he casually says, “how are fat chicks and bricks alike?” I was like “au-ha-oa-iea” (his hand still in my mouth) He goes “welp, sooner or later their gonna get laid by a Mexican.”

True story.

A man is driving down a road, swerving every now and then, so he’s pulled over by a cop, believing him to be drunk...

The cop then takes out a breathalyzer, and asks the driver to breath into it, the driver says he cannot, the cop asks why, and the driver tells him he has asthma.

The cop then walks back to his car and takes out a tube, he then returns to the driver and asks him for a urine test. The driver t...

One in our friend group is supposed to be a dyslexic junkie.

Needles to say it's not me.

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I'm quite a hairy man...

...and sex with my wife really is just her looking for a needle in a haystack

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey.

The shop owner points to 3 identical looking monkeys on a perch and says the monkey on the left cost $ 500.00

Why does that one cost so much? asked the shopper.

The owner says well the monkey knows how to use a computer.

The man then asks about the next monkey and was told that ...

So I saw a humanoid looking fly the other day...

Let me tell ya, it was the weirdest thing. I was just walking down the street with my friend when we got approached by this guy.
Except he wasn’t really a guy at all, you see. He walked up right and spoke in perfect vernacular, but his eyes were bulbous red compound orbs, his mouth a long tube...

My one friend does a ton of cocaine but says he won’t take the vaccine

Awfully scared of needles

My local bar had a cat...

My local pub used to have a cat that would sit on the bar. All the regulars loved it. They would pet the cat, drunks would talk to it and it became an unofficial mascot of the bar.
One night just after closing time however, the cat was tragically run over by a truck outside the bar. It got mashe...

The Grim Reaper Challenge

There were three men on an airplane somewhere above the Atlantic ocean. Suddenly Grim Reaper appears on the plane. He says”Before I take you all with me ‘ll give you a chance to survive. Each one of you will throw something to the ocean and if I find it you will die”.

The first one throws a n...

I don't know why employers don't like neck tattoos

It shows you can sit in one spot for hours while tiny needles are jabbed into your skin, which is what every meeting I've ever been in feels like.

I used to be an anti-vaxxer...

I changed my mind after mommy and daddy helped me overcome my fear of needles

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