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Needle Jokes

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Sex is like threading a needle.

It's easier to get in after a little lick.

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A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”...

I've been so stressed recently I've been doing that Chinese thing with the needles.

You know...heroin.

I have a fear of needles.

Being a haystack would suck.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

I asked my acupuncturist to use smaller needles this time, but they ignored me.

I’ve never felt so stabbed in the back.

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Drunk needles

Two drunk needles walk out of the bar. They see an hedgehog walking by and one of them goes:

“Crap, the bus is full. I guess we gotta walk home.”

If you're looking for a needle in a haystack...

...you should probably be more concerned about confronting your horse concerning his drug problem.

I went to the doctor and got a needle stuck in my arm

Is much less depressing than "I got a needle stuck in my arm and then went to the doctor".

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

Hold it firmly in your hand, put it in your mouth, lick it, straighten it, and put it in the hole

Man, threading a needle is difficult work.

I'm not sure if my girlfriend is mad at me. She was rubbing my shoulders but started poking me with needles.

I was getting mixed massages.

It’s no wonder why anti-vaxxers hate needle injections…

They always miss the point.

Last night I ran out of sewing needles.

I should go to the supermarket and grab myself a punnet.

Yesterday my wife shouted down to me from up stairs. ‘Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest, like someone’s got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it with a needle?’

'No,' I called back.

She shouted, ‘How about now?’

Just got my vaccine, but they stuck the needle in my leg.

I spent the following day thinking “my Pfizer killing me”

Why do people keep adding an extra s after 'needles'?

I don’t see the point, it’s needless.

Knitting needle murders

The police are on the hunt for a killer who has been stabbing their victims with knitting needles. The police believe they may be following a pattern.

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My favorite joke

Two guys are drinking in the restaurant atop the Space Needle on a windy day.

Man 1: You... You know... When it is this windy, you can jump off the edge, and the wind will blow you back on.

Man 2: Bull.

Man 1: No man, I'm telling you. The wind just blows you back on. Here, let ...

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The Needle

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches ...

The needle insulted me as it entered my arm

What a prick.

How do you find a needle in a hay stack?

Lock a junkie in the barn

A syringe without a needle

Is pointless

Right before surgery, I asked my anesthetist whether I can administer the needle myself.

He said, “Sure. Knock yourself out.”

I'm on pins and needles

I'm on pins and needles waiting for the results of my acupuncture exam.

The world's foremost authority on wasps is walking down the street when he sees an old vinyl record in the window of an antique shop, "Wasp noises from around the world".

Intrigued, he goes into the shop and asks if he can listen to it. "Certainly," says the shop assistant and pops it onto an ancient turntable. After listening to the first track for a while, the world's foremost authority on wasps is a bit confused.

"I don't recognise any of these noises, and ...

Student :Sir i have found a needle

Teacher:oh, I see your point

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

A man purchased a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him....

He took his new Benz out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's n...

I stopped vaccinating my kids because I wasn't comfortable jamming a needle into their arms.

Now I get my Doctor to do it.

What do you call a pastry made out of needles?

A porcupie

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Two boys are in class during religious education.

The first boy gets so bored that he falls asleep. The teacher then asks the class, "who created the earth?"

The second boy pulls out a needle and jabs his friend in the arm. He wakes up, startled, and yells, "God Almighty!"

"Correct," says the teacher.

The boy eventually drifts ...

What do you get when you inject soda from a dirty needle?

Pep C

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I may have a needle dick.

But I fuck like a sewing machine.

Why wouldn't the string go into the eye of the needle?

It was afreyed.

I want everyone to know that I got a needle for my turntable.

I just want to put it on the record.

Phone rings. Poet friend. He asks, "Do you ever get shooting pains like someone's got a voodoo doll of you they're stabbing with a long needle agan and again?"

"No," I reply.

Long pause.

Sounding concerned, he says, "How about now?"

Adding an s to the word "needles"...

Is needless.

A maniac is on the loose after stabbing 6 people with a knitting needle...

Early reports from the police suggest he is following some kind of pattern...

Most senators are like the needles of a cactus

They're pricks

Whenever anybody says they are trying to find a needle in a haystack, I cant help but wonder...

...who was shooting up in the barn?

What did one needle say to the other?

Looking sharp!

Why did the blind man fall off the Space Needle?

Because he couldn’t Seattle.

Today there's been another gruesome murder by the killer that police have nicknamed "The knitting needles killer"

Police fear he may be working to a pattern

I stabbed twenty people in the supermarket line with thin needles.

It's a new type of therapy I'm calling "aqueuepuncture".

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

The sociopath teenage misfit down the street tortures small animals with embroidery needles he steals from his mother's sewing kit.

He's unbelievably crewel.

Mom: I don’t think you know what it means to thread a needle through cloth.

Child: Yeah. Sew?

I don’t vaccinate my kids because I don’t feel safe jamming a needle into their arm.

I’d rather have a professional do it

It doesn't matter how hard it is to find a needle in a haystack...

...what matters is that if that's something you're concerned about, your horse's drug use has gotten out of control and the whole farm might be at risk..

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Little Bugger

The man at the bar looked sadly into his pint of beer and sighed heavily.

"What's up, Bob?" asked the bartender. "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth."

"It's my four-year-old son," he said. "The little bugger's got our next-door neighbor pregnant."

"Get away!" exclaimed...

The sword swallower went to a sewing store to buy pins and needles

He was on a diet

My girlfriend poked a hole through the condom with a sharp needle, but I don't mind having a child

If only she'd let me take it off first.

James finds Timmy crying at a hospital...

"Timmy!" James exclaims, "What happened?"

"I had a blood test today, and the doctor stabbed a massive needle into my arm," Timmy responds.

James then proceeds to cry more hysterically than Timmy.

Timmy looks over and asks, "Why are you suddenly crying now?"

James wails, "...

My grandma was not allowed to bring her knitting needles on the airplane.

They were worried she might knit an afghan.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

"Why would you ever do such a thing!" He exclaimed.

"Well you see Mr Gandalf, after our adventure we haven't been able to feel the euphoria of being a hero until we tried this wonderful magic crys...

I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain…

The heroin worked a treat for me.

It's always such a delicate conversation when I have to tell my acupuncturist friend to clean up his floor.

I'm walking on pins and needles here.

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My grandma Edna had to get a job...

...so she applied and was hired at the toy factory where they make Tickle-Me Elmo dolls. She was led to her station near the end of the assembly line where the foreman told her what was expected of her.

A couple hours later, the foreman came back to check on her. He stood behind her and o...

How do you deal with an intern who's depressed because he just pricked his finger with a HIV contaminated needle?

You'll give him the PEP talk.

What do you get when you take a needle to a balloon filled with yogurt?

pop culture

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A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest... (nsfw)

...when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"

The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabb...

I had a horrible experience giving blood today, the staff were horrible, the needles hurt and I felt really unhappy.

Apparently I'm, "a negative".

A priest comes to a hotel and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread.

A priest comes to a hotel and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread. The staff thought it's a curious thing to ask for, but they nonetheless deliver.
Next year, the priest comes again, and asks for an orange peel, needle and a thread. Staff members were really curious, so they decided to...

What does a frugal knitter have in common with a drug addict?

They don't mind using a secondhand needle

Did you hear about the nun who got addicted to knitting?

She said that needles were habit forming.

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Extraction

A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's butt when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction. It all happened in an ins...

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The Bad Tooth

A customer goes to the dentist for a bad tooth. He sits down in the chair and the dentist comes in with his tools and a needle.
“Ok bud, today we are going to inject a numbing agent into your gum to pull that sucker out.” says the dentist. “But I don’t like needles!” The customer replies.
Afte...

Elmo gone wrong…

A new hire at Hasbro was assigned to quality control on the Tickle Me Elmo line.

After an hour, the line foreman saw the line grind to a stop. Frustrated workers are yelling, stepping away from the machines, and angrily looking towards the end of the line.

There is the new hire, furi...

Christmas trees are bad at sewing

They always drop their needles.

Why did I name my Christmas tree Amy Winehouse?

Because it's just going to die and leave needles everywhere.

*As told to me by David Sedaris while getting a book signed.

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the paper bag. (old but pretty funny!).

A paper bag goes to the doctor and complains of feeling really ill.
 
The doctor does a lot of tests and tells the paper bag to come back next week for the results.
 
The following week the paper bag is extremely distressed to be told by his doctor that he has Hepatitis B....

“I’ve been licking it for ages but it still isn’t stiff enough to get it in!” said the exasperated wife to her husband,

“Darling, maybe sewing isn’t for you if you can’t even thread a needle...”

Girls on dating apps get bombarded with too many lame and boring messages

For them, finding the good ones is like finding a needle in a hey-stack.

Some call people dying from not vaccinating a needless tragedy…

I call it a Needle-less tragedy

My girlfriend said she was getting an enormous tattoo of a tarantula on her back.

"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."

"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."

"Actually," I added, "I meant being single."

Little Jenny isn't a very good student

She gives an especially poor performance at religion classes. One day, the teacher asks Little Jenny a question.

'So Jenny, could you tell me who created the world?'

Little Jenny is thinking hard, but she doesn't really now the answer. Suddenly, Little Johnny who's sitting behind her s...

"What are you doing?" the patient asked his dentist...

...as he was about to numb him for the procedure. "Little prick with a needle," the dentist replied. The patient says, "No, I asked what you were doing, not who you were."

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Big Game Hunter goes to Siberia to hunt Russian Bear

When he arrives on the train station (probably the only one in Siberia) he is greeted by the village hunter/gatherer/provider who has a very mangy, tiny, old dog leashed with a massive iron chain.
\-"Right, I'll help you." says the native "Here's what we're going to need: A great big blow horn,...

Heroin use among horses have grown

But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.

To make it stand, you wet it.

To make it wet, you suck it.

To make it stiff, you lick it.

To get it in, you push it!

Damn! Threading a needle at any age is no joke.

(NSFW) Little Jonny is in sewing class

when all of a sudden, he clumsily catches himself with the sewing needle. Seeing that he is bleeding, the teacher offers him a plaster. ‘That won’t do Miss’, says Little Jonny. ‘What I need is some cider’. ‘Don’t be ridiculous’, says the teacher. ‘What on earth for?’ Little Jonny replies, ‘My sister...

The World Expert on Wasps

A man was walking down a quiet street, when something caught his eye in the window of a charity shop. He wandered over to take a closer look, then smiled to himself, nodded, and entered the shop.

He walked up to the counter and said to the man serving there, "Is that record in the window real...

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A rabbit is running through the steppe when he meets a giraffe which is rolling a joint.

"No giraffe, you don't have to smoke that. Just come running with me!", it says to the giraffe. After thinking a few seconds, the giraffe happily joins the rabbit.

After a while they meet an elephant which is about to sniff some cocain. "No elephant, you don't have to sniff that. Just come ru...

Two girlfriends are talking

"Listen to this" says the first, "I needed some cash so I was rummaging through my husband's pockets, and I found a handful of condoms."

"Wow" says the second, "so what did you do?"

"I took a needle and made a bunch of holes in all of them."

"Well I'm screwed then" says the s...

One in our friend group is supposed to be a dyslexic junkie.

Needles to say it's not me.

Newfie execution

A Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander are involved in a grisly crime and are all sentenced to death. The executioner told them that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

The Americ...

The Grim Reaper Challenge

There were three men on an airplane somewhere above the Atlantic ocean. Suddenly Grim Reaper appears on the plane. He says”Before I take you all with me ‘ll give you a chance to survive. Each one of you will throw something to the ocean and if I find it you will die”.

The first one throws a n...

How to deal with stress

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. "I've been so stressed lately," he complains to the bartender. "So I recently started doing that Chinese thing with the needles." "Acupuncture?" the bartender asks. "No," the guy replies. "Heroin."

I'm trying to think of a sewing pun but I'm really struggling.

I needle the help I can get.

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I was out for a stroll...

While on a stroll down a pier while talking to a girl about how certain Star Trek characters would handle a gun ownership business, a group of exotic birds and a bird of prey assaulted us. It was so traumatic she no longer wanted to sleep with me afterwords.

It was a hawk & cock of the ro...

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Sunday School Suzy

There was once a girl named Suzy. She went to Sunday school at her local church every week. Her parents were lenient so she slept through most of the days. One day while Suzy was asleep she was called on by the teacher. The teacher asked “Suzy, what is the name of our lord and saviour?”. Suzy didn’t...

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One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."
The giraffe looked at the rabbit,...

What do a haystack and an anti-vaxxer’s kid have in common?

It’s rare to find a needle in either of them.

How to come up with a dad joke - Beginner's Advice

1. Read a dictionary.
2. Find Rhymes.
3. Think about the rhyme.
4. Find more Words.
5. Toss the dictionary out of the window.
6. Apologise to the neighbor for hitting him with the dictionary.
7. Catch the dictionary the neighbor threw back.
8. In case you didn't catch it, fix br...

Disturbance in church

A priest talks to a man who visits church religiously every sunday with his wife. The wife tends to fall asleep during his monologue and starts snoring rather loudly, and he'd like the husband to do something about it. They decide to use a knitting needle, where the husband would poke her when the p...

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A man goes to church every Sunday,

and every time he goes, he falls asleep. His wife asks the pastor what she can do to keep her awake. The pastor gives her a needle, and says: "If he falls asleep, poke him with this." The wife takes the needle and goes home.

The next Sunday, the husband falls asleep again. The pastor asks the...

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