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a man at a wedding had the urge to tell everyone what he had for breakfast

So he gets up rings his champagne glass a few times until all eyes are on him and says "a toast"

Scientists have shown that an uncontrollable urge to start singing the Tokens hit single "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away.

A whim away a whim away...

Does anyone else get overtaken by the urge to start singing about big cats?

For me, it’s always just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away…

At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" ...

... is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away ...

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Drunk guy climbs into bed with his wife..

A drunk guy climbs into bed with his wife. He's so drunk he instantly passes out. A while after passing out he is awoken by a bright light emanating from the end of the bed. He struggles to get himself into a sitting position and after doing so sees that there is a figure in or behind the light.
...

You know when you get the urge to eat something just because it’s there?

Anyways, I lost my job as a gynecologist today.

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Me: Doctor, I have this irrepressible urge to have sex with the ocean.

Doctor: And how often do you get this urge?

Me: It comes in waves.

Patient: Doc, every time I open my eyes, I have this weird urge to throw up!

Doctor: Wow. This is the worst case of see sickness I have ever encountered.

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The leprechaun and the golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.<...

There are two types of people in this world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

And those with an uncontrollable urge to finish the sentence even at the expense of the joke.

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

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A worker at a cucumber factory had this strange urge...

He wanted to stick his dick into the cucumber cutter. The urge was growing and growing until he decided to visit a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist found that the only way to heal the urge was to actually go ahead and do it.

The next day the worker came home early, his wife asked why. As...

Bubba and Roy were hiking through the forest when Roy suddenly had the urge to take a leak.

He unzips his pants and by the time a good stream started, a rattlesnake popped up out of the grass and bit Roy right on the head of his pecker.

Roy stumbled away and screamed for Bubba, who came running over. Roy quickly explained what had happened and the shocked Bubba grabbed his phone and...

My doctor warned me one of the side effects of my new medication was an increased urge to gamble

I told her I’d bet $50 that wouldn’t happen to me.

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Working on an oil rig

So the new guy is being shown around the offshore oil rig. And while being fascinated by the ship and machinery, he nervously asks the old-timer, "We're going to be out here for over month, and I don't see any women. Not one. What do we when we get horny?"


The old timer nods knowingly a...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

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woman's new perfume

A woman stepped into an elevator at Macy’s Department store after having just purchased a new perfume called Essence of Snowy Pines.



All of a sudden as she stood in the elevator; she had an unstoppable urge to fart.



Since she was alone on the elevator, she let rip a lon...

I didn't want to hurt myself, but it was a particularly gloomy rainy day. I wasn't in the best of mood lately. My hands were full of blood now, and yet I still had this itching urge to hurt, to kill...

those damned mosquitoes.

Joseph Stalin is being chauffeured to a meeting when he is struck by a sudden urge.

He taps on the glass partition to get the attention of his driver.

"Driver, I should like to take the wheel for some time. I have not driven in a long while."

"Sure, boss!" says the driver, and they switch places.



Well, Stalin is a devil behind the wheel. He gets to 6...

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Stuart is having a beer at a bar when he feels the sudden urge to shit. He goes to the bathroom sits down on the pot when the guy in the toilet next to him says, "hey," through the dividing wall. A bit apprehensive, Stuart says, "Hello?"

The guys asks, "how's it going" to which Stuart responds, "I'm sorry, do I know you?" The guy now responds in an annoyed tone, "dude let me call you back, the schmuck in the stall next to me thinks we're having a conversation."

Have you ever just had the urge to eat something right in front of you?

Yeah, that’s why I’m no longer a gynecologist.

Happy Halloween

Bob thought his new neighbor across the street was strange from the moment he first moved in.  The new neighbor, Jack, was a dorky middle-aged white man, who laughed at his own jokes, which he told repeatedly, and only talked about the stupidest stuff, which he always claimed was super popular on Re...

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A man goes to a priest to confess

A man goes to a priest to confess.


“Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”- says the man.

“What did you sin, my son?” - the priest asks him.

“Well, me and my wife went to my sister-in-law for dinner, we had dinner, then as soon as we were going to go home, the weather, fathe...

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A young priest is new to a confregation

And he strikes up a conversation with a young nun. He tells her that on his studies in The Vatican he’s come to understand an important teaching that’s been neglected. Basically, it turns out the kingdom of heaven is sealed with an earthly lock. Luckily, men posses the key and women, the lock itself...

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pickle slicer

A man works at a pickle factory and one night comes home and tells his wife "I know this is weird, but I have this urge to stick my dick in the pickle slicer". Months later he comes home, upset. "I don't know how to tell you this, but I got fired today. Remember my urge to stick my dick in the pi...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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The pickle factory worker

Jim worked in a pickle factory, and one day he got the strongest urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. He knew he shouldn’t do it, but the urges were just too much. He went to the on call psychologist offered through his employer and confided his urge with them.

First session:

...

NSFW On a baking hot day, the Pope steps into the shower to cool down.

He is overcome by the urge to bang one out, and just as he releases the holy seed he sees a flash of reflected sunlight across the street through the open window and realises someone has been taking photos.
Furious, he gets on his shower intercom and demands the Swiss Guard find the photographer ...

Oldest jokes in human history - Another s*x joke, Ancient Egypt, 1600 BC.

One of the world's oldest joke was found in the Ancient Egyptian story book known as the Westcar Papyrus

It goes:

# "How do you entertain a bored pharaoh?

# "You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish."

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I went to a therapist today for my increasing urge to kill animals

She said killing them in Minecraft doesn’t count

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Premature Ejaculation,,,

A man was having a problem with premature ejaculation, so he went to the doctor.

The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.
...

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Bob has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day, he confessed to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer....

His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bob vows to overcome his rash desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bob returns home, absolutely ashen. “What’s wrong, Bob?” His wife asks..


“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into...

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a man joins the navy

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you,...

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A man was finishing reading a book when all of a sudden he had an urge to start masturbating. He finished at the end of the book

You can say he *Came to a conclusion*

Golfing

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in...

“You do one nice thing for someone and they threaten to ruin your life!”

A man is cutting his grass when he gets the sudden urge to be a helpful neighbor and cut theirs too.

His neighbor comes outside and says to him, “I could marry you for cutting my grass, thanks!”

The man walks away and mutters, “People are so unappreciative these days. You do one nice t...

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Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck.

Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday’s droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants and did his business in the exact same spot in hopes of seeing how many flies he could gathe...

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street...

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight...

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Two men are cleaning windows on the 99th floor in a lift. One of them has an urge to pee.

Not wanting to travel all the way down Tom proposes he could piss down from the side. Chris hesitates a little because he's afraid of falling down. Tom says he'll hold Chris and Chris agrees. Chris starts pissing down but Tom gets distracted by a fly and he lets Chris go...


A month later ...

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A guy is driving down the highway when he suddenly has an overwhelming urge to jerk off...

But there are so many cars and trucks driving by, he's too scared to be seen if he does it in the vehicle. So he gets out of the truck and crawls underneath. He figures if anyone comes along, he'll just say he's checking on his transmission. He pulls out his dick, closes his eyes, pictures Betty-Sue...

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

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A Scouser walks into the local benefits office, walks up to the counter to collect his fortnightly giro and say's to the woman.

"You know something?
I just hate being on the dole, I'd really rather have a job".

The benefits worker behind the counter tells him.
"Your timing is excellent.
We have just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man.
He wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomani...

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A colonel in the French Foreign Legion was given command of an isolated outpost in the middle of the desert.

On his first day, he had his sergeant show him around. He noticed that there was a solitary camel tied up behind the enlisted men's barracks. "Sergeant," said the colonel, "what is that camel doing there?"

"Well, sir," the sergeant answered, "the men are out here in the desert for so long, an...

I wonder if the first person to pop popcorn suddenly had the urge to...

watch a movie.

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I watched a film last night which was basically about a guy who's attracted to watches. It follows he's struggle to fight he's sexual urges towards timepieces but in the end he sleeps with a rolex.

Its about fucking time

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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.

And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I...

What do you call a sudden urge to solve differential equations?

Calculust

My entire family urged me to get an abortion but my grandparents supported my decision.

They are great grandparents.

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Island life

A man got a nice new high performance boat for seafaring. On his maiden voyage, he decided to take his two most trusty companions, his dog and his goat.

While at sea, a massive storm hits, and man, dog, and goat end up stranded on a desert island. The man finds wood and builds shelter, fishes...

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A guy joins a monastery

A guy goes to join a monastery while he's waiting for the monastery to accept him and his vowels of silence he's allowed to ask things about what they do at the monastery.

They guy feeling a little on the horny side one day pulls a monk to the side and asks him quietly what to do when he's g...

When the pope was visiting America

He told the driver of his limo that he had the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man and would not ever dream of questioning the Pope’s authority. So the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80km/h, ...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

What do you call the urge to crack open a cold one?

Necrophilia.

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A boy and his balloon

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for...

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I just learnt that boxing is about two guys fighting the urge to come out as gay...

I mean. Two shirtless men fighting over a belt and a purse.
And they have to have another guy near them at all times who's entire job is to stop them from hugging.

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Dave walks into a bar...

He sits down; Then a Stork walks in, and sits next to him... and a cat walks in and sits on the other side.

He ushers the barkeep over and asks for a pint, handing over a £5 note.

The Barman has seen some shit in his time, so he is unfazed, and pours a nice cold pint.

Then the s...

Superior

A lion woke up one morning with the urge to assert his superiority over his fellow beasts.

He strode over to a monkey, and roared "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?"

"You are, Master," said the monkey, cowering.

Then the lion approached a warthog. "Who is the Mightiest of Animals...

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Duke!

Dave goes to visit his friend, the rich Lord Pendergrast, for lunch. Lord Pendergast greets him at the door, along with his trusty hound Duke, and after greetings and a warm embrace, the butler shows them into the banquet hall where they sit down to dine. Duke plops down beside Dave, hoping for some...

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Foreign Legion(long)

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir it's a long way...

Widowed couple

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discus...

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A young man joins the Army.

A brave young man during WW2 decides he is going to join Army and show his father he is ready to be a man.
The father who was a veteran himself, and thought this is exactly what his son would need.
His son was always small, scared, and afraid of hard work.

“About time you finally deci...

Whenever I get the urge to run around naked, I stop and drink a bit of Windex

It prevents streaking.

What do you call a flock of crows who are resisting the urge to sin?

*A tempted murder*

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Camel in the Camp

There was a major that got newly stationed in a base in the middle east. As he inspecting the base, he saw a camel tied to a post. Confused, he calls the nearest private.

"Private Doe!"
"Sir! Yes, sir?"
"What is this camel doing here at our base?" Asks the Major
"Sir, the camel is he...

Bubba has been institutionalized

He is an otherwise sane guy who can't control himself. He will make slingshot and break glass windows with it. No warning or fine has ever worked. This was the last resort.

But keeping someone institutionalized is expensive and he was liked by enough people that everyone wanted to see him ge...

I took my kids to the local pool the other day..

We were down the shallow end when I had the sudden urge to pee. I slowly and inconspicuously made my way up to the deep end to relieve myself. As I'm about halfway through the lifeguard noticed what I was doing. He blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

Ghost in the bathroom

One late night, after a drunken revelry, I silently slid into my bed and got a sudden urge to pee.

As I opened the bathroom door the light came on by itself.

I got scared and returned to bed, but unable to control the urge, ventured forth again. The light came on again and scared me ba...

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A new discovery in the medical field has now yielded nymphomanics new hope to combat their urges...

Studies shows that cryotherapy is a great way to chill the fuck out.

My friends say that my sudden urges to crack open a cold one is becoming a problem.

I just don't see the issue with necrophilia.

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A little lizard is walking along a tree branch...

Something wonderful hit his nostrils. It was unlike anything he had ever smelled before. He followed the scent to another branch where he saw his friend, the Koala Bear, smoking the fattest joint he had ever seen.

"Damn, K-Bear, that's the dankest weed I've ever smelled!" said the lizard....

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Urges

John worked at the pickle factory. One day, he came home to his wife and said, "honey, I think I'm losing my mind. I keep having this urge to stick my dick in the pickle slicer."

She said "Well, don't do that."

The next night he came home and said, "honey, it happened again. I keep h...

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A man is dared to stay 3 months in the dessert without masturbating

The man is told that he will receive 1.000.000$ if he can resist in the dessert for 3 months without masturbating
He will get a house, full with electicity, food and water supply for 3 months

The guy then asks:

-But what about sex?

The other guy replies:

-Uhm...you ca...

The pretty lady at the DMV urged me to sign up to be an organ donor.

That's when I realized she was a girl after my own heart!

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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”

On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he got home he was surprised and delighted to find ...

I have have developed cat-like reflexes.

By which I mean an irresistible urge to curl up and nap on any freshly made bed.

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic.

He said, "Sure, knock yourself out!"

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NSFW

So as a young marine gets on his ship he asks the captain what he is to do about his sexual urges. The captain takes him to the bottom of the ship into a room with blue lights. In the middle of the room there is a barrel with a hole in it. The captain looks at the young man and says “this barrel wil...

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A man comes home to his wife from his job at a relish factory one day...

He has a confused, lost look on his face, so his wife asks what's wrong.

The man turns to her and says, "I've been having the strangest urge at work lately."

His wife, being the caring woman she is, asks "What is it."

The man sighs and says, "I keep wanting to put my dick in the...

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Three old men, 70, 80, and 90 years young, sat on a park bench for a chat.

During their conversation, the topic of sleep schedules and bodily functions comes up. Of course, being a competitive group, each one feels the need to have the most significant problems.

The 70 year old says, "I wake up at 5 AM every morning and need to pee urgently, but I have to stand th...

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A couple at a bar

In a nightclub, a girl invites her boyfriend for a drink. She orders a whiskey-soda for herself and a Bailey with lemon juice aside for him. - What did you order from me? the guy is surprised. - A Bailey with a lemon juice on the side! You will see, you will be amazed! - I don't know ... The bartend...

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There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all...

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A Japanese, a German and a Chinese are sitting on a park bench

they start to talk and gets an urge to brag.
First the Japanese takes a pen out of his pocket and dismantles it, then shows it's body and says 'We made this'
the German takes out refill and says 'We made this'
the Chinese takes them and reassembles them, then takes a small marker and writes...

Drink competition (very long)

I had a friend who loved to mix drinks and make new ones. One day he made a huge discovery. This new drink was an instant hit. Everyone would ask him for the recipe, but he refused to give it to anyone. He called it his Special Punch.

This went on for years, with plenty of people trying to mi...

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

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The Pub Game

A guy walks into a pub in the middle of the countryside and orders a pint. While the barman is pouring his drink he notices a jar behind the bar that's stuffed with cash, must be close to £5000 in there. Curious, he asks the barman, "what's this about?"

"Ah, it's a little game we got 'ere" sa...

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