UPJOKE
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God: "Adam, I'll let you name the birds"

Adam: "Tit"

God: "Uhh ok"

Adam: "Boobie"

God: "Stop naming them after breasts"

Adam: *Looks at rooster*

Let’s hear some car humor. I’ll start:

What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

The porcupine’s pricks are on the outside.

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Why does Shaggy always let Scooby roll their joints?

Because shaggys joints don't always turn out good but Scooby's doobies do

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.

They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.

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Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

Saw a guy the other day wearing a Let’s Go Brandon T-shirt

It was nice to see someone representing the LGBTee community.

I'd never let my daughter date a soccer player

There is a 1/11 chance he's a keeper

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Let’s have illegal aliens hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship.

We’ll call it “Aliens vs. Predators”

In the beginning there was nothing. God said "Let there be light!"

There was still nothing, but now you could see it.

Let’s hear your best lawyer joke. I’ll go first.

Why do lawyers wear neckties?

To hold the foreskin back.

Her: Let's exchange numbers

Me: Won't that confuse people who are trying to call us?

After kissing a girl on her sofa she said “let’s take this upstairs”

“Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other”

My wife of 61 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

My wife said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

Let me tell you my favorite knock knock joke!

You start

"Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted," my dad told me.

"Are you kidding? Really?" I shouted.

"Yup, get ready," he said. "They'll be picking you up in about an hour."

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Girlfriend says if this gets a thousand up votes she'll let me try anal

please don't her strap on is huge

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

I'd give you $1M if you let me bite your nipple

Woman: Sure!

*licked and sucked the nipple*

Woman: Why didn't you bite my nipple?

Man: Well, I don't have $1M.

Whenever my wife is upset I let her colour in my black and white tattoos.

Sometimes she needs a shoulder to crayon.

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"





Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."





Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."





Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"





Aga...

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?” – he asks again.

“Listen you; I’m not that kind of woman! Got it?” So the guy runs around the ...

Option 1: Let’s eat grandma. Option 2: Let’s eat, grandma.

There you have it. Proof that punctuation saves lives.

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I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered...

that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.

A young woman, let's call her Emma...

... Loses her arms in a tragic bear accident. After healing, she decides to go get a job. The local church decides to find her some work she can do even without arms. She is hired as the new organ player.

Needless to say, her first day as an organ player goes poorly. She quits in shame.
...

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Me and my wife came to an agreement. She would let me get a tattoo if I let her get a breast augmentation

Tit for tat you could say

My girlfriend's dad is so religious that he wouldn't let us sleep together.

It's a real shame, he is pretty attractive.

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My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...

I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection...

Except Up.
He’s never gonna give you Up.

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

A man was away on a business trip, and decided to call his wife and to let her know he had arrived safely

A little girl picks up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi, Honey. This is Daddy, is mommy near the phone?" Daddy asks

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says "But, honey, you haven't got an uncle Paul."

"Oh, yes I do, and he's upst...

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her…

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.

"What's the second condition?"

"You...

Punctuation can really change a sentence. For example, "Let's eat kids" becomes

"Let's eat punctuation"

We should let Netflix run the next pandemic…

…they don’t let anything last more than three seasons.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make things interesting."

So we stopped playing chess.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

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Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been nazis in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

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My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl in his class jerk him off...

I said son that's 4 schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you

To everyone suffering from paranoia, let me just tell you:

You are not alone.

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:

First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.

Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.

With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2
dollars each.

Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you m...

Liz truss let her country down she let her party down

But most importantly she lettuce all down

My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance

I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.

That was nice of them to say.

Lets face it English is a stupid language

There is no egg in the eggplant

No ham in the hamburger

And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England

French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted

But if we examine its paradoxes ...

Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed

I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

My wife let me remove all of her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

This joke killed when I was a kid. Let me know how it holds up.

One time 3 boys went to the mall, their names were Trouble, Shut Up and Be Quiet.

While at the mall Trouble got lost. The other boys went up to a police officer and told him their brother was lost.

The officer asked "what are your name?"

The boys responded "Shut Up and Be Quiet"...

Video games are great, they let you try your craziest fantasies

For example, on the sims, you can have a job and a house

We can't let Elon get his hands on christmas.

What's he gonna call that, Xmas?

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

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Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you wan...

2 ladies are walking their dogs. One has a big black lab, the other has a chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says “Let’s get a beer.”

The chihuahua walker complains, “We can’t take our dogs in there.”

The first responds, “Watch me.”

The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.

The bartender tells her, "Sorry, you can't bring your dog in here."

“He's my seeing eye dog," the woman replies f...

I heard they're not letting Eminem get fully vaccinated.

They told him "you only get one shot."

Let me explain

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon.

They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,

\- "Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look...

Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game

Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot

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Why don't they let blind people sky dive?

It scares the shit out the dogs.

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A Christian, a Muslim, and a Jew are sentenced to death. The warden lets them choose the method.

The Christian says "a firing squad would be painless. I choose that." In comes a firing squad and *bang* they kill him.

The Muslim says "yes, that does seem to be quick. I also choose the firing squad." *Bang*. He, too, is killed.

The warden says to the Jew, "and how do you want to...

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....

I'll return

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

Why was the Buddhist monk let go from the monastery?

Because when it was his time to clean the place, he couldn’t vacuum without attachments.

I'm fine letting other people dot my i's, but crossing my t's?

That's where I draw the line.

Let’s have a drink together

After a Beer Festival in London, several brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president say...

Let's all take a moment to Thank Amber Heard's team of Lawyers for their efforts and hard work

to prove Johnny Depp's innocence.

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I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm

She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work

I let some of my friends use my high quality printer from Spain.

When I told them where it was from, they all gasped in shock. Because no-one expects the Spanish ink precision!

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So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven...

God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest."

Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and S...

I invited my girlfriend of 3 months to a party for my 13 year old nephew. She let out an audible "awww," told me how sweet I was and that my invitation meant the world to her.

Should've seen the look on her face when I told her it was a search party.

My wife let me listen to her audiobook, but I accidentally deleted it halfway through.

Now I’ll ….never hear the end of it.

Let they who are without sun…

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the firs...

In a hotel room at night, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep...

At night in a hotel room, two neighbors do not let a third one fall asleep: they tell various political jokes. He tries to scare them:


"The KGB is listening to everything here!"


Those two just laugh and continue. Then he goes out and asks the room attendant to bring to the r...

I told my wife, “Let’s take a trip to upstate New York this weekend.”

Her: Ok. By Buffalo?

Me: No, I was thinking of taking a car.

There were three nurses in a morgue... They entered a room where they had discovered that there was a dead man laying on the bed with a hard-on. The first nurse was very forward and said, "Wow! I have never seen that before, I can't let that go to waste".

After saying this the first nurse sat and rode it.
The 2nd nurse did the same.
The third nurse explained that she couldn't as she was on her period.
After a bit of convincing she eventually rode it.
After 3 minutes the man woke up.
The Nurses said, "What the hell... You were dead a fe...

[First Date] Her: I am really enjoying our conversation. Let’s get a drink and see where it goes.

Me: I’m almost sure it goes in your mouth.

Don't let...

...an extra chromosome get you down.

Thought I'd let you all know I'm in the hospital.

Thee doctors say I'll be fine but I must warn you, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

Why do you always let a woman go through the door first?

Snipers!

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Don't let your Meatloaf!

Don't let your kitchen sink. Don't let your hormone.

Help me figure out more of these one liner farewells. I've been saying these since high school and I'd like more to add to my arsenal.

Why would the Queen let Netflix use her likeness in "The Crown"?

She probably gets royalties

Let’s play Clue: Royal Edition

I’m guessing Charles, with a pillow, in the bedroom.

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I was let down by a pickup line in a club last night.

I walked up to a girl at the bar and said, 'Hey, I'm bisexual, let me buy you a drink and then we can get sexual?'

I was rather disappointed when she turned around and replied, 'No, your bi-curious, you can go buy me a drink and when you come back, you can wonder where the fuck I've gone.'

A good mom let's you lick the batter off the mixer.

A great mom turns off the mixer first.

My Jewish girlfriend got mad when I let out a fart while watching tv.

I said, honey. A little gas never hurt anyone.

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

Trump: "We cannot let a woman be president!"

Staff: "That's not what transition team means, sir."

I feel severely let down by two people in my life.

My father, my mother, and my mathematics teacher.

The airline wouldn’t let me take my dead deer on the plane with me.

They said my carrion was too large.

I let go a silent fart in bed last night and gently lifted the sheet to let it escape, my wife shrieked 'Oh my god, that's disgusting! My eyes are watering'...

Must have been bad, she was downstairs at the time

Trump: "Let's get that Muslim band going"

"Band? We thought you said ban"

Trump: "No way, that's harsh. Also, how's the Mexican mall going?"

Let's have some fun with statistics. Did you know that in Vatican, there are...

.. two Popes per square km ?

Let's hear some Confucius Jokes

I'll start

Confucius says woman that keeps soap on top shelf will jump for joy.

Daughter made up a cute knock knock joke:

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Let’s eat…
Let’s eat who?

What are you a cannibal?

What happens when you let dinosaurs drive?

You get tyrannosaurus wrecks.

I've just been let go from my job at the hospital, shaving patients in preparation for spinal surgery.

It's due to all the cut backs.

"Live and let live, that's what I say. "

"Anyone who can't understand that should be killed." - George Carlin

Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try

Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.


"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."


"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."

Johnny then frowned.


"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"

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Let me tell you something

Three people have sex : threesome

Four people have sex : foursome

Redditor : handsome

And God said “let there be light”

Then on the 30th day, he received his bill and yelled…

“Turn the damn thing off when you leave the room”.

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Let's take a moment to appreciate the fact that

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits.

What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor early in the morning?

Don't let him drive that cargo freighter,

don't let him steer that cargo freighter,

don't let him near that cargo freighter,

early in the morning.

Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."

Noah lets all the animals off the ark and tells them, "Go forth, and multiply."

A year later, he goes around to all the animals to see how they're doing. The horses have foals, the wolves have pups, the lions have cubs...everything looks good. But then he gets to a couple of snakes, and they ...

I once petted an airport security dog hoping he'll let me sneak in some weed

Got arrested for possession and bribery.

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Guys, I used to date a stripper, and let me tell you something...

this lady could get the paint off your walls in no time

What is it called when a wrestler’s wife lets him screw anything his heart desires?

No holes barred

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a girl on facebook just said "letting everything out hurts"

so i commented " yeah im takin a shit too"

Why shouldn't you let your pokemon into the bathroom while you shower?

So they don't Pikachu.

So my son watches this kid’s pirate show and they say “Hey ho, let’s go!” all the time.

So I keep emphatically saying it with him in hopes he’ll start to say it to my ex-wife.

I've just accidentally let slip to the family that I lied about earning my biology degree.

Me and my big face-hole thingy.

I don't understand why women love singing "Let it go"...

...Since most of them keep grudges for life.

I let my blind friend borrow money

He said he was gonna pay me back the next time he saw me...

Why did the police let Van Gogh?

He had an eartight alibi

Canadian guy: Let’s watch a movie.

American: Sure. How about The Titanic?

Canadian: What’s that about?

American: Yes. A big one. It sank.

What do you call it when you let your opponent attack both your king and queen in chess?

A royal fork-up

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Lets raise our glasses!

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."


She said, "Aye, d...

Today, in honor of 4/20, I'm letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work.

It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.

As 2022 is coming to a close, let me sum it up for you all in one word.

Six.

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Let’s Not Make Jokes About Golden Showers, Alright?

They’re piss-pour.

let's go backpacking

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go backpacking this weekend.

She said sure, where do you want to go?

I replied "why do we start by hiking up your dress"

So, my girlfriend won't let me wear my mood ring anymore...

...I'm not really sure how I feel about it

I was surprised when Kim Jong Un agreed to let me marry his daughter

Cause now I get to call him my father-un-law

My friends won't let me babysit their kids because I'm a professional comedian, but why?

I've always done a stand-up job.

"Let he who is without sin throw the first stone," Jesus said.

As the stones began to fly, Jesus realized he might have made a mistake by including the local narcissists.

And God said: "Let there be vodka"

And He saw that it was good.

Then God said, "Let there be light!"

And then He said, "Whoa - too much light!"

If you love someone, let them go.

If they come back, let them go again because nobody else wanted them either.

My dad wanted me to let you know he’s cleaning a window.

He just wanted to make it clear.

Why don’t we let geese drive?

They’d honk too much

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

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Okay, so let me tell you about the idiots I work with...

First off, there's this girl that always follows me around like a puppy. Which isn't so bad because she's pretty hot, but man is she *dumb*. Like, really fucking dumb. She has convinced herself she's going to be a professional model one day and... well I don't see it happening. Needless to say, ...

What do you call a sailor who'll never let you see him cry?

... A private-tear.

My sister won’t let me hold her baby anymore...

Last time I held my sister’s baby, I dropped it. It wasn’t even a big deal, but she started freaking out. It was an accident! Just an accident, no big deal. What happened was, after I was holding the baby and I inevitably dropped it, we start arguing and she’s overreacting big time. She called the c...

I always said, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours."

Child Protective Services said, "That's no excuse."

Wife: “Honey let’s play a game?” Husband: “Ok, what is the game all about?”

Wife: "If I mention a country, you will run to the left side of the room and touch the wall. And if I mention a bird you will run to the right side of the room and touch the wall. If you run to the wrong direction, you will give me all your salary for the month."

Husband: "Ok and if you fail,...

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