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Left Hand Jokes

Why do Texas women make sandwiches with their left hands?

Because they have no rights.

Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?

Because a toothbrush works better.

Last month, I had my left hand and left leg amputated because of an accident…

but I’m now recovering, I’m all right now.

Why are smart watches worn on the left hand?

If they were worn on the right hand guys would have had 3 times more steps than girls

Never argue with left handed people

Because they are never right

I can eat sugar with my right OR my left hand.

I'm ambi-dextrose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Doctor tells the 90 Year Old Man that he needs a semen sample. "Bring back the specimen tomorrow."

The next day the old man comes back with the jar in hand. It's as clean and empty as it was the previous day.
"Did you have a little trouble?" asked the doctor.
A pause, then he says, "When I got home I tried, you know? First, with the right hand. Next, with the left hand. Nothing. That I ask...

What do you call a C₆H₁₂O₆ molecule that can use its right and left hands equally well?

Ambidextrose

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An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...

After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,

Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.

He gives him a small glass bottle.

Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.

Next day the old man...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you've got one mothball in your right hand and one mothball in your left hand what have you got?

A big fuckin' moth.

Using Left hand instead gave me a completely different feeling...

..was able to finish my work faster. Try changing the settings of the mouse.

If you have a green ball in your left hand and a green ball in your right hand, what do you have?

Kermit’s undivided attention.

My fiancee was holding my left hand...

And I told her, "You know, in a month and a half, that hand will be heavier and I might need help lifting it."

She replied, "The ring isn't that heavy..."

And I retorted, "Yeah, but the ball and chain connected to it is!"

Don't know how I'm still engaged or alive after that...

A mime in my town was arrested by the police after he broke his left hand in a bar fight.

He still….has the right to remain silent.

What's ironic about having a left handed pen

It's for righting.

Why are North Koreans always left handed?

Because they have no rights.

I never date left handed women

Righty Tighty

Lefty Loosey

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Left handed

The mafia boss was pissed that his captain Alphonse's mistake costed him $5M.

Fearing wrath, Alphonse pleaded - Boss, spare me and don't kill me. I have worked here for 8 years.

The boss said - Alright Alphonse. I spare you. I don't kill left handed man.

Confused Alphonse said ...

Did you know that Jim Carrey lost the use of his left hand for a month in 1997?

He was all righty then.

I dont really trust left handed people

they are sinister

A carpenter accidentally sawed off his left hand

The doctors said he will be all right

Teacher: which is the best hand to use when writing something, left hand or right hand?

Pupil: None of them. It’s better to use a pen or pencil.

Why does the police officer hold the baton in his left hand

Because the customer is always right

Fleming's Left Hand Rule is highly attractive

It has currently forced my hand.

she's left handed

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "...

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Sometimes I think wanking left handed is hard.

But on the other hand,

I made a sideshow of guessing whether you're right or left handed just by asking your favorite color.

I'm very proud of my 90% success rate.

I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!

I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.

Did you hear that Matthew McConaughey lost his left hand in a motorcycle accident?

Now he's allright, allright, allright.

Did you hear about the man whose left hand and foot got amputated?

He's alright.

My brother just lost his left hand,

but the doctor told me not to worry. He's going to be alright.

What do Jesus and my left hand have in common?

They both have three hangnails.

If Timmy has 5 apples in his left hand and 6 in his Right, what would Timmy have?

Massive Hands

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After a big accident, Dave was crying "O God! I have lost my left hand?"

John: Oh, Stop crying! grow a clit will ya! See that man he has lost his head, do you see him moping?

Left handed people can't do anything right.

That... that's it. That's the joke. You don't get it? Then you're probably left handed.

Left handed people in the past.

Why did people back in the day not accept left handed people?

Because it wasn't right.

I'm sorry bye.

What did Jim Carrey say when he wasn’t allowed to have a left handed baseball player on his team?

Allllllllllll righty then!

Why do left handed people always write incorrectly?

Their right hand has nothing left and their left hand has nothing right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to a kebab street food restaurant

“One classic portion with extra sauce please.”

The man in the window writes down the order and yells to the back:

“One Oh fuck with a guitar”

“What?! That’s not what I ordered!”, replies the confused customer.

“Oh don’t worry. It’s just our slang for your order sir.”
<...

In an attempt to become ambidextrous, I've been writing everything with my left hand.

After two weeks, it still doesn't feel right.

In my world, a threesome is when I use both my right AND my left hand.

Problem is: together they gave me the clap.

I've always wanted to get the word LAZY tattooed on my left hand

Ive just never gotten around to doing it.

Being left handed I was always told I was more creative but all I noticed was that I smudge the words when writing with pencil.

I guess it’s a blessing and a cursive

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In Feudal Japan, 2 Samurai families are constantly at war...

One day, the eldest sons of the two Families got together and decided to put a stop to all the fighting and bloodshed between their clans. To the dismay of their closest relatives and companions, the two announce that they had agreed - they were going to have a duel to the death. The winner would b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

A British General and his Men

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office.

“Since we weren’t actuall...

A serial killer leaves his mark on his victims by cutting off their left hand and right leg.

Authorities say something sinister is afoot.

A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...

...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That wor...

Actual true story: Met a teenager who had blood poisoning as a kid and had to have the fingers on his left hand amputated below the first joint.

He has promised me he will try the line out: "Girl, can I have your digits? 'Cause I'm missing some of mine."

The Palmist

A middle-aged man, divorced three times, finds himself at a village fair in a remote part of the country, and sees a sign "palms read - serious customers only". He goes into the tent and there's an old woman with a headscarf and massive hoop earrings and an eye patch. She asks for money and takes th...

My grandpa told me this one.

So an older couple is discussing the inevitable matter of death. The wife asks her husband, "If I die before you do, will you remarry?" To which the husband replies, "Well, I don't want to be lonely for the rest of my life, so yes." The wife then asks, "What about the house? Will you live in the...

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