My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

She kept saying that the Earth was flat while the elevator we were in kept going up.

She was wrong on so many levels

My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept referencing the song One Night in Bangkok for reasons why I didn't want to take a vacation there.

It's just me now and my Thai trope act without Annette.

My ex wife kept the only copy of our wedding video.

I can’t see myself getting married again.

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Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting.

It was by far the worst ass scent I’ve ever had to deal with.

one time in Vietnam my drill sergeant angrily asked who the hell kept quoting Credence Clearwater Revival

I said "It ain't me"

Dignitas have kept me on hold in a phone queue for 45 minutes now!

I'm rapidly gaining the will to live.

My damn cat kept me up until 4:00 AM videoconferencing with his friends!

He had the Zoomies!

My wife kept telling me to stop doing a flamingo impression...

In the end I had to put my foot down

My Grandfather saw the Titanic. He shouted loudly to all within earshot "that ship is going to sink!". He was ignored. But he kept it up "Mark my words. That ship will sink on her maiden voyage!"

Eventually the ushers threw him out of the theater.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

I kept having these crazy dreams where I woke up covered in Tyre tracks...

My Psychiatrist is convinced I'm a 'cycle-path'

So my friend got annoyed that I kept singing Pompeii by Bastille, so they told me to stop.

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

Did you hear about Mexican drug dealer that kept falling asleep on the job?

He had narcolepsy

I just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together

It was riveting

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My friend kept telling me he was constipated all year long

Turns out he was full of shit

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My kids kept trying to find the Christmas presents so I put them in the attic

Now the pesky buggers are banging on the attic door asking to be let out

Today should be a holiday honoring all the truckers who have kept America going during the Covid epidemic.

A big 10-4, if you will.

I kept on bragging to my hot girlfriend about how rich my father is.

They are married now.

Trump finally kept his promise...

Now that he won't be president anymore he made America Great Again!

What do you call a collection of weapons kept for the purpose of burning down buildings?

An arsonal

A man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him...

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay".

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Goodbye Mum" as I leave the store, it would ...

Not to brag, but I kept my new year’s resolution for 2020 by tackling the Rockies.

Next year, it is the Rambos.

The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

I kept calling Uber but they never showed up

I told them I was in desperate need of a Lyft

I kept adding my input, saying that this channel wasn’t really a good one. But it didn’t work.

I then realized that my tv was bad at reading signals

My wife said she’d leave me if I kept quoting Shrek and I didn’t believe her

But then I saw her face

My girlfriend was making rolls on Thanksgiving and kept asking me to pour her more flour...

I told her “you’re so kneady”.

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

My dog kept chasing people on bikes

I never should have taught him to cycle!

I kept telling chernobyl jokes to my russian friend

But every one went straight over his heads

I finally discovered why my program kept crashing: I had a pointer that walked off the end of a char array.

It entered uncharred territory.

The custodians at my school kept insisting that I smoke kush with them, but I declined ...

I can't deal with high-maintenance people.

Why did Eminem get fired from his job as a bartender?

He kept telling people “You only get one shot”

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A priest kept chickens at his village.

One evening, the cock went missing.

At the church mass prayer gathering, the priest asked, "Who has a cock?"... all the men stand up.

"No, I meant who has seen a cock?"... all the women get up.

"No no no! Who has seen a cock that isn't their's?"... Half the women stay standing.<...

There was this dyslexic who kept accidentally praying to his dog.

One day, he got so frustrated with it that he sold his soul to Santa.

Say what you will about Trump, but in the end, he kept the promise he made in 2016 about restoring respect for America in the international community.

All he had to do was lose in 2020.

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park...

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat h...

I kept falling over but didn’t know what to do. My friend told me to look on...

Trip Advisor

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

Joe kept cheating at the limbo competition, my buddy pulled me aside and says:

"Man, how low can you go."

When my Great Grandfather died they cremated his body but kept his toupee.

It is considered a family hairloom.

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike

but he doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Honda road bike with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

John's engine kept rattling and making loud noises whenever he drove.

He sent it to the mechanic. The mechanic took a quick look at the engine and marked an "X" on the chassis with a chalk. He then gave it a swift kick and the noise stopped immediately. He then handed John a bill for 200 dollars.

John felt the bill was too hefty for such a quick job like that s...

After the exodus through the Red Sea, Moses's staff could no longer perform miracles, and yet he kept it beside him the rest of his life...

...he just couldn't part with it.

Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them. Mum said, "You should say "No", they only want to look at your knickers."

Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

When my dad died it was left to me to manage his affairs

How he kept all those women a secret from my mum I'll never know

Mildred, the local gossip and self appointed keeper of the church’s morals, kept poking her nose into other people’s business.

Several members of the church did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but kept to themselves in fear of reprisal.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new member, George, of being an alcoholic after seeing his old pickup parked outside the town’s only pub one afternoo...

I called the tinnitus hotline

but it just kept ringing :/

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My girlfriend broke up with me last week because I “kept ruining sex for her.”

Turns out girls don’t like it when you call their clits “Throbbin’ Hood.”

An Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief ...

My wife said she'd divorce me if I kept making Shrek puns

I told her to get ogre it

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My husband kept telling me to lower my voice during sex

I never understood his batman fetish.

My neighbors asked my dad how he kept my sister and I so well behaved...

He said, “My daughter has to be bribed so we pay her to be good. She’s good for $5. But my son is a different story. He’s good for nothing.”

A guy was outside trying to fly a kite, but it had no tail on it, so it kept crashing to the ground..

His wife shouted from the window, "you need some tail. "

He said in reply, "honey, you need to make up your mind, last night when I tried to get some tail you told me to go fly a kite".

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I went to watch a standup comedian who kept making stereotypical Jew jokes towards me...

I was so upset I demanded a double refund

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for that he kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.

Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!”

“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.

A clerk answers and Tom says, “Can I please talk ...

I know why this entire country has gotten so cold.

It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.

I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.

Then it hit me.

This week everyone kept posting about "National Dog Day."

Gotta be honest... I can't tell the national dogs from the local ones.

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

\-Client: is room 39 empty?

\-Boss: yes, sir.

\-Client: can I book it?

\-Boss: of course you can.

\-Client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g. The boss agr...

Air Force One crashed on a farm in Nebraska

Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did...

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Loose and Floppy Vagina

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.


Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she foun...

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A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson.

It's obvious to her that the grandfather has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, etc.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long - easy, boy." Another outburst and she he...

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. (long)

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music comin...

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NSFW John had married Eileen, as she was a rules girl, she'd kept herself pure until her wedding night.

As Eileen took off her wedding dress, John undid his shoe laces. Eileen noticed for the first time John's size 10 shoes were padded with foam he pulled his feet out of the shoes and they looked like baby feet. She said "My, haven't you got tiny feet?" John looked embarrassed, he said "I had toe-sill...

I sold my Porsche Macan and my BMW 330i today. I kept my bicycle.

I don't want to get the Car Owner virus.

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I saw my dwarf of a neighbour at a bus stop.

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I offered.

"Fuck off!" He yelled.

"What an ungrateful little cunt," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and kept walking.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understa...

I’m a nurse in a hospital’s children’s ward. One night, I was at the nurses’ station when I heard a little boy in his room talking. He kept the patter up for some time-

Finally, I got on the intercom and said softly but firmly, “All right, Johnny, it’s time to go to sleep now.” There was quiet in the room, and then he said, “OK, God, I will.” I didn’t hear a peep from him until late the next morning.
(True story)

A patient complained to his doctor that he kept seeing spots before his eyes.

The doctor was confused. "Why have you come to me? Have you seen the ophthalmologist?"

"No," replied the patient. "Just spots."

I kept wondering why the ball was floating in front of me

Then it hit me

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

I lost my job because I kept eating directly from the fridge

Don’t they know how hard it is to find a Morgue currently hiring?

I used to be a fortune teller but I kept predicting snow storms ..

It turns out I wasn't using a crystal ball, it was a snow globe .

Harry has been having heart issues for sometime now but he kept procrastinating a doctor's visit until his wife finally forced him to go.

After a thorough physical exam, the doctor walked in with the results but he said he wanted to talk to Sally first and asks Harry to wait outside.

Sally asks "How is my husband?"

The doctor said "Your husband's heart condition is a result of years of stress. If things continue this way...

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My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10...

...last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9! 9! 9! That’s my best score yet!

I opened the fire exit door for a girl to run out with me out of the burning building. I kept it open for her to come.

"I have a boyfriend!"

Did you hear what happened to the kid who kept getting electrocuted?..

His dad finally grounded him


.

A couple months ago, my girlfriend and I started experimenting with bondage. I was quite into it, but I could see she wasn't having fun herself. But we kept at it and now I think she's really starting to enjoy it.

She was bound to like it eventually

Trump dies and goes to hell..

... where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,...

My alarm system kept breaking down

The alarm system kept breaking down so, instead of repairing it I decided to get a guard dog instead.

I went to the pet store and the shopkeeper showed me a lot of breeds to choose from. A Rottweiler, a German Shepherd, A Doberman, but there was this one tiny little pug that caught my eye. I...

Once upon a time on a dig in Egypt...

A few years ago I was in Egypt, on a dig site, not far from the banks of the Nile but out of the way of the Pyramids and Statues you'd associate with the usual "big finds" of the late 19th/early 20th century.

We were looking for a tomb, a new paper had raised interesting questions about a po...

It’s hard to sleep at night, some girl I met kept pounding on my door.

But there’s no way I’m letting her out.

I used to be a work on a ranch that kept cows and bulls,

but the pay was udderly terribull.

An engineering student found a frog on his way to class

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess" the frog said.

The student smiled, thought for a minute, and put the frog in his bag and kept walking.

After a few minutes, he heard the frog calling out again, so he took it out.

"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful p...

The Furniture store kept calling me.

All I wanted was one night stand.

She kept screaming: "Give it to me, Give it to me, I'm so WET!"

So i responded: "You can scream all you want, but I won't give you my umbrella"

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The woman by the lake...

So, this morning. I went for a walk at the park. Not a run, just a nice leisurely stroll along the lake. As I was walking on the path, I saw a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a bench and she was crying.

I was trying to be nice and felt bad for her, so figured I’d see if she wanted t...

God I would hate it if this covid pandemic kept going all the way through to tick season.

I really don’t like corona with Lyme.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend...

But he kept asking her for another shot.

Husband asks wife, "how many men have you slept with besides me?"

Wife: "zero"

Husband really happy: "really?"

Wife: "yes, I only slept with you, the rest kept me awake"

Ok bye

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I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself “don’t get a boner.”

Then she did and my day was ruined.

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In case of any apocalyptic scenarios, scientists want to store the DNA of millions of species of animals and plants in lava tubes of the moon

The DNA of any illicit substances will be kept in Uranus

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

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I had a dog once. Named Minton. He kept eating all my shuttlecocks.

He was a bad Minton.

I heard a story about a man that went insane

He bought a new boomerang and kept trying to throw the old one away

A woman went into labour...

..and got rushed to hospital. almost immediately she kept shouting things like: can't, don't, didn't, couldn't. Her husband asked the Doctor " doctor, whats wrong with her?" The Doctor replied "ah dont worry those are just contractions"

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During his surgery, my grandpa kept waking up, grabbing the nurse's boobs, laughing, then flatlining until they restarted his heart again.

He's pretty touch and go right now...

My crazy stepmom kept knocking on the mall's doors until the lockdown was over.

Unfortunately, she has now been released.

A man waved at me, so I waved him back but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and stopped a taxi that took me to the airport.

I am now in Ireland starting a new life

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I'll always remember the first time I had sex ...

I kept the receipt.

One day Doofenschmirtz kept delaying building his invention

He was a bit of a ProcrastINATOR

Three men were flying in a small plane when the engine failed

To their disappointment, there were only two parachutes on board. After a couple of minutes of silence, one of the men said:

"Look, guys, I need to take one of the parachutes. I'm a single father with three children to feed."

The other two agreed and gave him one of the backpacks. The ...

My uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he kept fighting them off and drowned. We had him cremated...

he burned for three days.

I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and after we’d eaten she kept insisting on paying for the meal.

I said, "Don't be stupid, we're half way down the road now. Just keep running!!'

My son tried riding his bike without training wheels today and the bike kept falling...

I guess you could say it was two tired!

My great-grandfather kept screaming, "The Titantic's going to sink! The Titanic's going to sink." And everyone got angry...

... so they kicked him out of the movie theater.

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

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I tried donating blood but they kept asking me too many stupid questions

Who's blood is it?

Where'd you get it from?

Why is it in a bucket?

Bunch of ungratefuls... I'm never donating shit again!

She kept her promise!

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me...

An elderly couple was celebrating their 50th anniversary.

It was a beautiful thing to see.

Amid the jolly celebrations, the old man leaned closer to his wife and softly whispered, "Dear, we have been married for 50 years now, and I want to assure you that these past 50 years were the happiest time of my life. But there's one thing that has always be...

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A Valentine’s Day story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

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I went to a hooker, and she kept telling me "small penis no problem, small penis no problem"

I must say I would've enjoyed it more if she had no penis at all

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I finally experienced the runner's high I kept hearing about.

For those wondering, it's just like Ayahuasca. First, you start seeing shit that isn't real and then you throw up a lot.

My mate and I robbed a bank. The cops chasing us were under the illusion that we were dressed as animals.

Every few seconds they kept shouting "Furries!"

In a Bar a hostess was putting up a show..She kept taking of layers of her clothes, Whenever she removed a layer, people clapped like mad. In the end, she removed the last layer, But nobody clapped..

...Because nobody can clap with 1 hand

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My mates kept sayin how Incredible Car Sex was, and how I Should try it with the misses

But when I tried taking my pants off in the Uber Pool, suddenly everyone starts to freak out

Why was Cinderella bad at soccer?

She kept running away from the ball

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pa...

I hit a cat today by accident

But then I kept swinging the hammer

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

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A Bishop had finally had it with a priest in his archdiocese who kept fucking up Sacraments

Right before he was about to excommunicate him, the priest got on his knees and pleaded to give him another chance. The Bishop was a good guy so he allowed the priest one chance.

"If you can preform a matrimony without anything going wrong, I will not fire you"

The wedding starts and e...

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support...

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I tried to confront my friend about his sexual attraction to plants

But he kept on beating behind the bush

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Why was Prince Charles’s dick multicoloured?

He kept dipping it in Di

I tried to sing “Danger Zone” five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics.

They eventually kicked me off stage.
Too many Loggins attempts.

In Church on Sunday morning, the preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" Then he ta...

I was keep my social distance, but this guy kept getting closer.

He got real close and whispered "I'm asymptotic."

A peeny pinching dad was throwing his daughter a sweet 16 birthday

He wanted her to have a nice party but didn't want to spend a lot of money. He made all the arrangements at the bare minimum to satisfy his daughter's wishes, everything except the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an nice bakery?" his wife suggested.

He called all around town and...

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A woman was sitting next to a man on a plane who kept sneezing and then shaking violently for several seconds thereafter.

After awhile, she got curious and asked, "are you feeling okay? I've noticed that you shake a lot after each sneeze."

The man said, "yes, I just have a condition where whenever I sneeze I have an intense orgasm."

The woman said, "oh, my! I can see how that could be very inconvenient....

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Racism is not a joke

Hi, I've travelled around the world a little bit and I've had many wonderful experiences, although the story I'm about to share is one of the worst experiences in my life.

I went to Japan a few years ago and for the most part had a wonderful time and found the people to be amazingly friendly ...

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"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him.

Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 12-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.

...

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When the new school year started, the history teacher was very excited because there were three Native American boys in her class.

She was beside herself with excitement. She asked the first boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he is from and how he knows this.

The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest. He takes his fist and hits his chest, and says in a booming voice "I am a Cherokee. My father ...

Siri kept on calling me Shirley today

I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.

The doctor's office blocked my number after I kept calling about Pokemon.

I don't know what the hell they're taking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.

A Chinese man came to India

A Chinese man came to India. He took a taxi at the airport.

On his way by seeing a bus he told the taxi driver that in India buses run very slow. In China buses run very fast.

After sometime, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese guy t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad died because we didn’t get his blood type right. He kept saying, “Be positive! Be positive!”

And so we tried transfusing B positive blood but apparently he was just an optimistic little bastard was a Type A

My girlfriend kept telling me she was going to break up with me if I didn't stop quoting the song I'm a Believer by The Monkees, but I thought she was just kidding...

Then I saw her face.

When I was a little kid I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle, kept him in an aquarium. When i went to camp, the turtle died. When i got home, my dad lied to me. He said, "your turtle is live and well, it just went to go live with your mother." And i believed that til i was digging in the backyard

...found my mom's body.

Smh worst day of my life,
I loved that turtle

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