UPJOKE
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Kept Jokes

Trump kept talking about restoring "law and order."

I don't know about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.
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My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him...

He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
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My girlfriend kept going "Sssshhh" while we were having sex last night.

I think she may have a puncture.

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.

So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
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She kept staring at my lips the whole time, so I kissed her.

So long story short I'm learning sign language now.
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A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept...

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept.

The manager sends her off to the family planning section.

After ten minutes, the manager takes routine a walk around the store, to check on things. He finds the lady still in the family planning section, humming to herse...
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Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...
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She kept busy

A man arrived home early from work and caught his sexy young wife in bed with another manā€¦
The dishonored husband challenged the other man to an old-fashioned duel using his pistols, announcing angrily, "Whoever manages to shoot first and kill the other, gets herā€¦"
The other man agreed to th...

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"


Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...
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I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer ā€œSmokingā€ or ā€œNon-smokingā€.



Apparently the correct terms are ā€œCremationā€ and ā€œBurialā€.
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I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat

And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
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I kept forgetting my passwords until someone told me to use 1Password!

That's a much easier password to remember.
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The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one, free of charge.
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The doctor's office blocked my number after I kept calling about Pokemon.

I don't know what the hell they're taking about, but I really need someone to take a look at this bulbous sore I have.
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My 8 year-old kept chewing electrical wiresā€¦

ā€¦so I had to ground him.
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I saw a hot girl in class today, I kept thinking to myself ā€œdonā€™t get a boner.ā€

Then she did and my day was ruined.

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I kept losing my wristwatch

I've got no time for this.

My girlfriend told me she would break up with me if I kept telling jokes about the USSR

Soviet
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I haven't kept up my subscription to Scrabble Club.

Now they're sending me threatening letters.
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Is it necrophilia if they die while your having sex and you just kept going?

That's what happened to my dog

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I went to a hooker, and she kept telling me "small penis no problem, small penis no problem"

I must say I would've enjoyed it more if she had no penis at all

How do we know Noah kept bees

All the evidence was in the ark hives
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This guy kept trying to steal my oak bumblebee sculptures...

but I finally caught the would-be thief.
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I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.

**Then it hit me.**
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An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...
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A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...
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My wife said she would divorce me if I kept quoting Star Trek.

So I said, "Number Two, make it so!"
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Siri kept on calling me Shirley today

I was beginning to get annoyed about it but then I realised I'd left my phone in Airplane mode.
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I canā€™t take my dog to the pond any more cuz the ducks kept attacking him.

Thatā€™s what I get for getting a pure-bread dog
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Did you guys hear about the Soviet dictator who kept postponing events?

Yea, he was stalin' !
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My dad told me if I kept jacking off I'd go blind.

I said dad, I'm over here
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The Furniture store kept calling me.

All I wanted was one night stand.
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Do you know about the butcher that kept accidentally backing into the meat grinder?

He always got a little behind with his orders
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What did the circle say when the square kept asking him a question?

Wait a secant
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I kept telling them I wasnā€™t a plumber, but they still offered me the job.

It took a while..to let that sink in.
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I kept asking what LGTBQ stands for.

So far no one has given me a straight awnser.
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My bacon kept curling in the frying pan

so I took away their little brooms and rocks.
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Mary had a little pig, She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

My wife kept screaming at me

ā€œGive it to me give it to me!! Iā€™m so wet right nowā€. I donā€™t care,Iā€™m not giving up this umbrella.
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A priest kept chickens at his village.

One evening, the cock went missing.

At the church mass prayer gathering, the priest asked, "Who has a cock?"... all the men stand up.

"No, I meant who has seen a cock?"... all the women get up.

"No no no! Who has seen a cock that isn't their's?"... Half the women stay standing.<...

My girlfriend left me because I kept pretending to be a transformer

I said "No, wait! I can change!"
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She kept saying that the Earth was flat while the elevator we were in kept going up.

She was wrong on so many levels
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My wife kept asking about my scoliosis.

So i told her to get off my back
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Have you heard about the old geography teacher who kept wetting his bed?

His only weakness was in continents.
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I used to have a a racing snail that kept losing.

I decided to remove its shell to try and speed it up, if anything it made it more sluggish.
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A man was sent to the hospital as he kept yelling that he is now invisible

They shifted him to ICU
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The broom and dust pan will be kept in the hall closet from now on...

...and I'm considering other sweeping changes around here.
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My computer kept crashing

It turns out I had a bad driver.

I just came up with this tonight but I can totally see the joke having been come up with before, so if it has please let me know.
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A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept

and the hours are lost.
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I just saw a documentary on how ships are kept together.

It was riveting.
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I was approached by a beautiful woman in Thailand and she kept saying ā€œSmall penis, donā€™t mind, small penis, donā€™t mindā€

I wouldā€™ve preferred her not to have had a penis at all but oh well.

The police said theyā€™d arrest me if I kept telling bad jokes.

I stopped because I was scared I would end up in punitentiary.
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The neighbours kept me up last night because they were having sex into the early hours of the morning.

I would've asked my wife to knock on their door, but she was out playing tennis with her friends.

My dog kept chasing people on a bike...

It got so bad, I had to take his bike away.
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Trump finally kept his promise...

Now that he won't be president anymore he made America Great Again!
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I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size

Oops, wrong thread
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My girlfriend said she'd break up with me if I kept singing oasis

I said maybe.
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Dummy Kept Tapping

WHAT the heck is wrong with people during this pandemic?!?!?
So today I went to the market. While Iā€™m standing in line, this ā€œpersonā€ comes up behind me and starts TAPPING me on my shoulder ignoring ALL the social distancing rules, right?! So I tried to ignore him but he keeps tapping and tappin...
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Did you hear about the guy that kept injecting people with anaesthesia?

I hear heā€™s a serial numb-er
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my friends kept on insulting me saying I have no sense of direction.

So I packed my things and right.
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I threw away a bottle of gin, but it kept showing back up in my liquor cabinet.

Turns out it's 86-proof.
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Did you know that Scarlett Johansson kept getting lost on the set of Black Widow?

She kept Romanoff.
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My ex wife kept the only copy of our wedding video.

I canā€™t see myself getting married again.
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Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...
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I kept asking the aquarium owner about the walking fish.

He said 'you axolotl questions!'
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Did you hear what happened to the kid who kept getting electrocuted?..

His dad finally grounded him


.
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My son kept chewing on electrical cables so I finally had to ground him

Of course he denied the charge first, but later I found him coiled up in his room.

He's conducting himself better now, so I think that worked out.

Well that's the current situation anyways, but there's definitely potential for greater resistance.

Some days I just feel like I ...
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Yesterday I went rock climbing and the guy above me kept farting.

It was by far the worst ass scent Iā€™ve ever had to deal with.

She kept her promise!

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me...
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My cop friend kept demanding that I praise him for the apparently excellent ticket that he just wrote until I eventually gave in and said,

"Fine, fine fine."
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I asked the barman why he wouldn't serve me. All he kept saying was: "Too drunk."

"Stop drinking on the job, then," I slurred.
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A Young Jewish boy kept acting up at school..

One day, the school calls his father and says, "Your son keeps acting up in class, and his behaviour is unacceptable. We'd reccomend placement in another school."

So the father talks to his son and decides he's gonna send him to a private school.

A week later, the private school calls ...
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My wife kept telling me to stop doing a flamingo impression...

In the end I had to put my foot down
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I went to a bar with my girlfriend last night and people kept calling me a pedophile, just because I'm 53 and she is 22...

...totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

Did you hear about the stuttering escape artist who kept on getting sent to jail?

He never finished his sentences
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NSFW At the restaurant, everyone kept calling me a pedophile just because I'm 52 and my wife is 22......

It completely ruined our ten year anniversary dinner.

Today should be a holiday honoring all the truckers who have kept America going during the Covid epidemic.

A big 10-4, if you will.
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My mom embarassed me me today when one of my black friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer"

I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"
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When I was ill, this woman kept me safe and provided me with a hot beverage made from a stallion's urine that she found in a narrow place.



Lady...if you're reading this,

thanks for the horse piss alley tea.

I kept telling chernobyl jokes to my russian friend

But every one went straight over his heads
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My alarm system kept breaking down

The alarm system kept breaking down so, instead of repairing it I decided to get a guard dog instead.

I went to the pet store and the shopkeeper showed me a lot of breeds to choose from. A Rottweiler, a German Shepherd, A Doberman, but there was this one tiny little pug that caught my eye. I...
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My wife said sheā€™d leave me if I kept quoting Shrek and I didnā€™t believe her

But then I saw her face
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away wit...
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Did you hear about the Jedi nun who kept accidentally picking up banthas, hundreds of feet into the air?

You canā€™t really blame her, it was force of habit.
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A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.

After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"

"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."

The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"

"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you no...
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Little Susie came home from school and told her mum the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels

"you should tell them No, they only want to see your knickers" said her mum

"I know that, that's why I hide them in my bag"
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A Jewish rope merchant from New York was trying desperately to sell some of his goods in Louisiana. But wherever he went, he kept encountering Anti-Semitism.

In one particular department store, the buyer taunted him:

ā€œAll right, Jew. Iā€™ll buy some of your rope. As much as reaches from the top of your big Jewish nose to the tip of your little Jewish penis.ā€

Two weeks later, the buyer was startled to receive a shipment containing ten thousand...

My blanket kept losing electrons.

It was my fault: the instructions said I shouldn't use an ion.
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I kept calling Uber but they never showed up

I told them I was in desperate need of a Lyft
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I asked my local Walmart where they kept their Terminator DVDs.

"Aisle B, back"
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I was at a seance and the spiritualist kept giggling, so I punched him.

My mother always told me to strike a happy medium.
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Should have kept his mouth shut.

A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a ...

This week everyone kept posting about "National Dog Day."

Gotta be honest... I can't tell the national dogs from the local ones.
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My gas alarm kept going off

It was giving me a headache and making me feel nauseous so I turned it off.
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I rushed home because my girlfriend kept saying she was "hot and bothered".

Turns out the AC is busted.
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My wife left me because I kept making beer puns.

Alcohol her later.
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John's engine kept rattling and making loud noises whenever he drove.

He sent it to the mechanic. The mechanic took a quick look at the engine and marked an "X" on the chassis with a chalk. He then gave it a swift kick and the noise stopped immediately. He then handed John a bill for 200 dollars.

John felt the bill was too hefty for such a quick job like that s...
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What kept the suicidal kid from jumping?

A rope.
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"I'm sorry sir, but we've determined you have a highly contagious, deadly virus. You'll need to be kept in quarantine and fed a diet of pancakes."

"Oh my, that's horrible news, doctor. But will the pancakes really be able to help me get better?"

"No, that's just the only thing we can slide under the door."
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I kept having these crazy dreams where I woke up covered in Tyre tracks...

My Psychiatrist is convinced I'm a 'cycle-path'
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My friend kept telling me he was constipated all year long

Turns out he was full of shit

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Did you hear about the Jewish man who kept drawing on his penis?

He was told for good hygiene you have to draw back your foreskin.

My wife kept breaking the washing machine:

So I divorced her and it has not broken down since.

So it's true what they say in the Advert:

"Washing machines live longer with cow gone!!.
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So a guy living in Afhganistan was arrested for constantly rebuilding a statue of St. Peter after people kept breaking it down.

He's a re-Pete offender

this was an original joke and please don't track my IP address I value my life
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I bought some pantyhose but they kept telling me climate change wasn't real

I should have checked the Denier rating
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A Mathematician went to the doctors because he kept seeing āˆš-1

Apparently it was all imaginary
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The lego taxi driver kept screaming

His passengers kept telling him to step on it.
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An Inkling kept making romantic advances towards me.

I guess she was trying to woomy.
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When my Great Grandfather died they cremated his body but kept his toupee.

It is considered a family hairloom.
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Did you hear about the dealer kept his job at the casino after he mangled his left hand?

He was still able to deal with it
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I tried to sing ā€œDanger Zoneā€ five times at karaoke night, but kept forgetting the lyrics.

They eventually kicked me off stage.
Too many Loggins attempts.
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My girlfriend kept insisting that I give her a ring...

It took a while to get comfortable with the idea \(it was a really big decision for me\), but finally I got enough courage to dial the number and have an actual telephone conversation with her.
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My Dog kept running around backwards yesterday.

My God! You should have seen him!
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There was this dyslexic who kept accidentally praying to his dog.

One day, he got so frustrated with it that he sold his soul to Santa.
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My interviewer kept getting annoyed at me...

...when I kept responding to each question with the same question - only in a really sarcastic way.

Apparently, I don't know what a "mock interview" means.
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When I was visiting France, my French friends kept insisting I stay up every night and do drugs.

I was under a lot of Pierre pressure.
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My damn cat kept me up until 4:00 AM videoconferencing with his friends!

He had the Zoomies!
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My husband kept telling me to lower my voice during sex

I never understood his batman fetish.

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My Japanese ex-girlfriend kept trying to get back with me

I had to drop the bomb twice before she finally gave up.

What did the donkey say when his owner kept poking him?

Stop fingering your ass!
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My wife said she'd divorce me if I kept making Shrek puns

I told her to get ogre it
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