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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot u...

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

When Winnie the Pooh eats honey straight from the jar with his paw, it's cute...

But when I hang around a donkey while wearing nothing but a red t-shirt, someone calls the cops.

What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?

A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.

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I started by running my hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. My digits glided over her breasts, touching them very lightly, then proceeded gently, caressing as it went down her side, sliding my paw over her stomach...

...and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

I continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

My hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

My gentle stroking then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and then returned to do...

Your duck is dead...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

If the “southpaws” got their name from a guy who pointed his paw to the south..

How did the Eastwoods get theirs?

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A nun plays golf and takes the Lord's name in vain

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the Day you spent with your family?"


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with ...

A Christian priest in Africa being chased by a lion is running for his life....

While he is running full speed, thinking how to get away from this situation, he starts praying asking god to please turn the lion into a good Christian. He hears a voice from the sky that says: “your prayer has been answered” Suddenly the lion catches up to him and jumps him, trapping him, And mira...

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A dog walks into a bank. "I'd like to make a de-paw-sit."

-"Haha thats funny!"
-"You think my finances are a fucking joke, Jessica?"

What did the veterinarian diagnose the elderly dog with who couldn’t stop shaking its paws?

Pawkinson’s



(I made this one up so it might need a bit of work)
Alternate version includes a dog with barkinson’s who can’t stop barking lol

A man walks into a pet shop and sees a dog for $10,000

"Why does the dog cost that much?", asked the man. The owner replies, "This dog can do karate. Here, watch."

The owner then walks to a table and speaks to the dog, "Karate this table". The dog lifts a paw and in one swift movement cuts the table into two.

As the man looks on in shock, ...

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'...

A priest is walking through the jungle when he comes upon a hungry lion.

Just as the lion goes to attack, the priest crosses himself and says, "Lord, if you can hear me, please instill the Holy Spirit in this beast's heart."

The lion stops in his tracks as a bright light begins to glow around him. He looks to the sky, folds his paws in prayer, and says, "Thank you...

A dog walks into a bar....

Orders whiskey, bartender says “we don’t allow dogs in here”. Undeterred, the dog repeated his request. “Last warning dog” says the barkeep. The dog still doesn’t leave, the bartender pulls a pistol and shoots the dog in the foot. The dog whimpers and hobbles out.

A couple weeks later throug...

A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying...

A company had a vacancy for a job so they put a sign outside of their office saying ‘

Job Vacancy- apply within. Applicants must:

1.) be able to type at least 80 words per minute.

2.)must be good at computers.

3.)must be bilingual

After weeks of having no applican...

My local bar had a cat...

My local pub used to have a cat that would sit on the bar. All the regulars loved it. They would pet the cat, drunks would talk to it and it became an unofficial mascot of the bar.
One night just after closing time however, the cat was tragically run over by a truck outside the bar. It got mashe...

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An englishman, a scotsman and an irishman walk into a bar.

In the corner there is a pot of money. The men ask the bartender how they can get that money. The bartender says they must:

Drink a bottle of tequila without passing out

Pulling a thorn out of a lion's paw

And have sex with a 100 year old woman.

The men agree, since it's ...

Our Doberman had her paw on my fiancée’s pregnant belly

She’s our new Dobie-GYN

Warning: Dad joke for kids inside.

What do Skye, Chase, Marshall and Rubble use to power their vehicles?


Paw Petrol.

A rabbit on a run through the forest.

So there's this rabbit running through the forest. After a few minutes he comes across a fox who's about to light up a joint. The rabbit kicks the joint from the fox's mouth, saying: "That's bad for your health, you're better off if you join me on my run!" So the fox says, "You're right!" and joins ...

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Kid asks is paw why do these condoms come in 3 packs?

Father: Those are for highschool boys son. One for Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Son: Then what is this 6 pack for?

Father: Those are for college men! 2 for Friday 2 for Saturday and 2 for Sunday!

Son: WOW!! And the 12 pack of condoms?

Father: Sigh.... Thos...

I just gave my first Ted talk about south paw sign language.

The audience was left speechless.

So a Bear walks into a bar...

The bear says "I'll take a large rum...











and a coke."

The bartender says "Hey man, why the big paws?"

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3 Wishes for Bear and Rabbit

Bear and Rabbit are walking in the woods when suddenly they come upon a magical lamp. They rub the lamp and a genie appears. "You have set me free," the genie says, "and I will grant you each 3 wishes."

Bear is excited, he goes first. "I wish I were young again."

"Granted," says Genie,...

A polar bear walks into a bar.

And asks the bartender for gin and.........................tonic. Of course said the bartender but was wondering what's up with the pause. Polar bear holding up his paws said " I dont know I was born with them!"

How do cats report crimes?

They call Paw Enforcement!



...I'll show myself out

2 dogs walk into a bar...

One dog bumped into the other and he replied,

“Hey buddy, get your paws off me. If you want to get ruff we can settle this in the barking lot.”

A local business owner was looking for office help.

The owner put a sign in the window that read: “Help wanted. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer, and must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer.”

A short time later, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign, and went inside.
After going inside, the dog looke...

I asked this lady if I could touch her hair.

She said yes, so I ran my paw across her top lip and that's how the fight started.

A man and his dog walk into a bar.

The man says to the bartender, "Look, this dog can talk. Let me ask him some questions, and he'll answer."

The bartender looks sceptical, but says, "Okay, pal, you're on."

"Rex, what's on top of a house?"

The dog barks. The man says, "See there, he said 'roof'!"

The barte...

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”

The second bull says, “That pretty much says...

How do i give my cat a pill?

Grab your cat and place it around your arm as if you were holding a baby. Place your right index finger and thumb on both sides of the cat's mouth and gently apply some pressure while holding the pill in the other hand. As soon as your cat opens the mouth, throw the pill in and give the cat the oppo...

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

A dog walks into a bar

As he sits down the bartender comes over “dogs are not welcome here, please leave”. Unperturbed the dog says “gimme a beer”, the bartender pulls a gun out from under the bar, points it at the dog “I’m not warning you again “. The dog simply will not leave so the bartender is forced to shoot the dog ...

A dog wearing spurs, two six shooters and a vest hobbles in through a saloons double swinging doors

He hops on a bar stool and says I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.

Two robins stuffed themselves with worms until they were too fat to fly.

Since the birds couldn’t go anywhere, they decided to just sit and soak up the sun.

Along came a cat, and it ate them.

Licking its paws, the cat said, “I just love baskin’ robins!”
(Apparently yesterday's joke was no good, but I like this one)

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

Looking dog tired...

A three-legged dog walks into a Texas saloon, spurs clinking as he walks. His six-shooter slapping against his furry hip, he bellies up to the bar staring down the bartender and proclaims, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

The stutterer

So a guy with a stutter wants to ask his girlfriend to marry him. However, every time he tries, he gets nervous and stutters so badly he can barely get a word out. So he goes to a friend and asks for advice.

The friend says, "Here's what you do. Instead of coming right out and asking her, ask...

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My nephew and I were walking in the park...

My nephew and I were walking in the park when we saw two dogs locked in coitus. My nephew asked, "Uncle Mac, what are those dogs doing?" Thinking fast, I said, "The one in back hurt its paw and the one in front is helping it walk." My nephew then said, "That's just like some people. They say they'r...

How do you stop a cute animal?

You just press paws

Be careful what you wish for.

Somewhere in Africa this lion was chasing this christian. When the lion caught up with him, the lion knocked him to the ground with one swipe. The stunned christian got up on his knees and offered a prayer to god saying dear god please make this lion a christian lion so that maybe he will have mercy...

A man in the bar offers to bet anyone $100 that his dog can talk.

At first everyone is dubious, but after the man clarifies he means complete grammatically correct sentences, and they make sure there are no hidden devices on the dog, several bets are made.

The man: Well, Charley?

Charley lifts his paw.

The man: Charley, come on, say something...

A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.

The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting. The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train. Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his kne...

What would you name a dog with two legs?

Paw paw

What has 2 paws and bleeds a lot?

What has 2 paws and bleeds a lot?


Half a dog.

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Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.

As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two.

“Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie.

The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in thi...

My cat and I were watching TV when suddendly it scratched me.

Just because i pressed paws.

A bear walks into an ice cream shop

Ice cream man: What can i get for ya?

Bear: Hi, i'd like a scoop of the chocolate...

ICM:

Bear:

ICM:

Bear: Chip.

ICM: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, what's with the pause?

Bear: \*waving paws in the air\* I'm a be...

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A woman is out walking her dog...

A woman is out walking her dog by the canal, close to the University. She decides to let it off the leash to stretch its paws. It's at this horrendous moment that it bolts straight into the canal and begins to drown.

Luckily, a German exchange student was having a stroll at the time, and dive...

An atheist is walking through the countryside when he is ambushed by a huge grizzly bear.

"Oh God!" he screams "Help me!"



The bear stops in its tracks and a voice from the heavens rings out "All your life you've said you don't believe in me, slandered my name and now you want my help?"



"I realize that my request is bold," replies the atheist "but would it ...

Woke up this morning and suddenly remembered this dream where my arms had become cat limbs.

I was so shocked that I had two paws for a moment.

A mouse is standing outside his house

Having just pulled a gun on a cat, who sits with one paw raised in submission. "Six rounds, 9 lives, you do the math" the cat says.



Sorry, pretty bad I know.

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One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."

The giraffe looked at the rab...

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So this really big bear walks into a grocery store.

He goes and gets some big salmon, some sharman ultra tough and some big jars of peanut butter. Because you know he's a big bear. Anyway he gets in line and when its his turn the cashier asks paper or plastic? ........................................ The bear says paper please. Then the cashier asks ...

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Three Hard Mice

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie o...

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A Quick Learner

Paw is talking to Maw one day.

"Maw. Ernest is 18 now. It's about time we teach him about fuckin".

"Ok." Says Maw, "I'll wait in the bedroom."

Paw calls Ernest over and says "Son, you're old enough now, its time you learn about fuckin."

"Well what's fuckin?" Says Ernest....

When older women begin accumulating cats...

It's called "many paws".

An animal prosthetics expert walks into a bar

"What's wrong buddy?" The bartender asked. "You seem down."

"Two whiskies, please. I made a lot of Faux Paws at work today."

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Sore Paws

Little Johnny calls his dad, 'Dad those two dogs over there, why is the one at the front giving the one at the back a ride?'

'Errr, hmm, well son, the one at the back has saw front paws, so the one at the front is giving him a lift home'

'It's always the same innit dad'

'What's ...

A man was driving along the highway......

.........and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately it jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become o...

What do you call a dog's prosthetic limb?

A faux paw.

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Three Dogs are in kennels at the vet. A mutt, a chihuahua, and a lab.

"What are you in for?" The mutt asks the Chihuahua.

"I've been humping the master's leg too much so they sent me here to get fixed." Says the chihuahua. "What about you?"

"I knocked up the poodle next door. She's a purebred with papers so the neighbors are suing my family. I'm here t...

Did you hear about the bear with 2 left feet?

No?? Oh... * awkward *paws* *

The Lion

There's a zebra, a warthog and an impala and they drinking at the water hole when a pride of lions appears out of the bushes and surrounds them.



The biggest lion says "Okay you three are going to each tell me a joke and if I don't laugh I'm going to kill you."



So the ze...

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A man is in a convenience store and sees a dog walk in holding a Bag.

The dog approaches the counter. Goes into the bag and pulls out a list and some money and hands (mouths?) it to the clerk.

The clerk starts filling in the bag with groceries. And leaves the change on the counter. The dog stares at the money, and then at the clerk and starts growling "Grrrrr"<...

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Just say no

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, mor...

You wanna know why a cat can jump so high?

because they have good PAW-sture

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Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."



"Yes I do!"



"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"



"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, an...

A bear walks into a bar

The bear puts his hand down on the bar and the bartender sees it is wrapped in bandages and dripping blood. Then the bear says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw....”

Forever mortal frenemies

Britain and France. Forever mortal frenemies. The rivalry goes back over 1000 years. One of the biggest sticking point has always been the channel. Is it the British channel or the French? In order to show how one country was superior in the rivalry every 100 years the 2 countries would hold a cross...

An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.


It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite ...

A guy is out bow hunting...

... and while he's peeking out from behind a bush, he feels a giant paw on his shoulder.

It's a bear who says, "I won't kill you if you get on your knees and blow me right now."

The hunter is terrified so what could he do? He gives the bear head.

He feels humiliated and very an...

A Christian goes on a hunting trip...

He sits in his tree stand all day and sees nothing.

As he climbs out of his deer stand he slips and rolls down a large hill breaking both his legs, losing his rifle in the process.

As he lays in pain at the bottom of the hill he hears a grunting. He looks up to see a massive Grizzly lu...

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A guy walks into a bar...

He strolls up to the bartender and says “I’ll take.......a pint of Guinness........and a bowl.....of popcorn.”

The bartender pours his beer and sets some popcorn in front of him. The gentlemen reaches for his beer, revealing that he is wearing two EXTREMELY large fake bear hands.

Curi...

My computer mouse isn't working properly

It could type paragraphs, but now it's just randomly slamming its tiny paws on the keyboard.

A woman brings her severly ill bird into the vet.

The vet rushes her back to the examination room, but unfortunately the little bird passes on before he can do anything for it.

He tells the woman that her bird has died, but she refuses to believe him and demands that he run tests to verify the little guy's demise.

The vet goes into th...

Why don't furries shake hands?

It's a faux paw.

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A man is driving down the road and runs over a rabbit

He slams on his brakes, gets out and walks up to the flattened bunny. The bunny is obviously expired. A passing car slams on it’s brakes and screeches to a halt. The driver of that car runs up to the bunny pulls out an aerosol can and sprays the bunny with the aerosol spray. The Bunny jumps up runs...

OC! A 3-legged dog walks into a bar; he’s wearing a prosthetic.

The bartender is obviously checking out his prosthesis.

“Oh that,” says the dog, “excuse the faux paw.”

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Bears in Bars in Butte, Montana

One beautiful springtime day, a bear wakes up after a long winter's sleep, smacks his lips, and decides he's going to go to town to get a beer.

Just so happens that this bear's home is nearby Butte, Montana, and he found it pretty easy to find a bar. He walks on in, takes a stool, lays his bi...

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