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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the movin...

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A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guys picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, an...

NSFW - a friend of mine told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I asked how he can tell them apart... it’s easy he said

Her brother has a mustache.

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Someone in my apartment rearranged all of the buttons on the elevator

That was wrong on so many levels

Yesterday, I saw my apartment neighbor trying to kick in his own door

I knew he was a criminal, and had served some time for theft and B&E but I wasn't aware that he was crazy.

So I cautiously asked him what he was doing.

He replied, "Working from home."

What do you call a Metal Can renting an apartment?

A tinant.

In Captain America: Civil War, why wasn't Wanda allowed to leave her apartment?

Because she was under super-Vision.

What do you say when you find a nice, affordable apartment?

Suite!

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.

I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

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Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night.

An intelligent drunken Aussie led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Kiwi clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Kiwi clock...seriously?!...

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

Apart from "I love you", "I miss you", "You complete me" and "Can't live without you"?

What other jokes do you know?

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A Man Comes Home To His Apartment To Find His Wife In Bed, Naked

Now, he's already suspected her of cheating for some time, and coming home to see his wife naked in her bed set him off like a bull.

"WHERE IS THAT FUCKER!!!!" He shouts at her, wildly scrambling around the room, looking in every hiding spot his mind can think of.

He suddenly runs out ...

This sub is seriously falling apart

I knew I should’ve gone to Subway

We all wear him and tear him in pieces, puncture holes in it, tear apart his clothes, and still not be guilty.

I'm talking about an eraser.

A Sensitive Guy (NSFW-ish)

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.


They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the ...

A man was found dead in his apartment. His friends claimed he died because he bet that he could eat $500

The autopsy concludes that, indeed, he put his money where his mouth was

Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?

Because they’re not tenants

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been ...

A man was locked out of his apartment

He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock...
Because end of the day, communication is key.

My friend's just told me that he's dating twins. I asked him if he had any trouble telling them apart.

"Not at all." he said "It's really easy actually. Helen's got blonde hair and Brian's got a beard."

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don’t belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: ‟I’ll strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I’ll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield”.

The American goes first. He buil...

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Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

A beautiful woman is sunbathing on the balcony of her apartment, completely naked

At some point, she sees a piece of paper tied to a string being lowered at her level from one of the other apartments upstairs.

She stands up, and grabs it. there are some words written on it.

"I'm the guy who lives at 32B. You are incredibly beautiful. I'm so excited right now. I want...

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A drunk woman was singing loudly on the street below an apartment building

A man shouts out the window, "There are American Idol auditions down the street."

The drunk woman heard this and was intrigued, "Which street?"

"Any of 'em ya cunt!"

I went to the optician today because I keep seeing the world fall apart.

He said I have 2020 vision.

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I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink

and Michael had a penis.

My roommate got in trouble with the police because he had two crows in our apartment as pets.

The cops arrested him for attempted murder.

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I left my apartment door unlocked and some motherfucker came in and took a shit.

When I returned home, there was a big turd floating in my toilet. I know for a fact that when I left, there were two.

How do you tell a chemist and a plumber apart?

Tell them to pronounce the word 'unionized'.

I saw my neighbor carrying bags of shopping up to his apartment, impressed, I offered him a hand.

He wasn’t thrilled with my applause

She criticized my apartment...

...so I knocked her flat.

A man is sitting inside his apartment, when a cop comes knocking at the door.

The man opens the door for the cop, only to find the cop staring disapprovingly at him.

"Sir" the cop starts " there have been reports about drug usage in this apartment complex. May I come in?"

"I rather you didn't" said the man.

"Listen" said the cop "I could go through the lo...

My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.

It’s a little flat.

Rick Astley will give you any movie from his collection apart from one.

He'll never give you up.

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

What happened to the fungi who moved into a New York apartment?

He didn't have mush-room

A drunk man was walking to his apartment, late one night, and accidentally fell down an elevator shaft.

When the paramedics arrived and pulled him out, he said, "Boy, that was a fast elevator!"

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

How do you tell apart drug pushers that have a conscience from those who don't?

Those who don't call themselves "reps,".

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

Last night, a thief stole the flight of stairs I need to climb to get into my 3rd floor apartment.

That's messed up on so many levels!

I put in an application for an apartment

because I really liked the lengthy corridor to the bedroom. Now I’m in it for the long hall.

I just moved into a new apartment

I asked a neighbour in the same apartment building, “Bro, you live directly above me & you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?” “I got 18 rolls,” answered my neighbour.

Two months later, I met this neighbour of mine again and...

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvio...

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A man's wife sends him out to get some cigarettes

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.<...

Why wasn’t the movie Five Feet Apart (2019) more successful?

It was a year early and a foot short.

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

How do you tell murderers apart?

Their Serial Number

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

If all people on Earth stood 6 feet apart along the equator...

... many of them would drown.

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Pierre, a French pilot of WW1 took leave in Paris and went out to sample the nightlife. He has a great night of song and wine and he meets a young lady, who he invites back to his apartment.

The excited pair walk back through the tree lined boulevards and on the way, Pierre drops in to a shop to purchase a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, a bottle of brandy and a box of matches.

When they reach the apartment they waste no time in stripping off and fall passionately ont...

The shoe I'm wearing just fell apart.

I guess it was on it's last leg.

Did you hear about the guy who married his apartment?

It’s a complex relationship

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

Two Bros, chillin' in a hot tub! 5 feet apart cause they're....

...following the guidelines of social distancing in regards of the recent coronavirus outbreak.

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

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I installed a skylight in my apartment today...

You wouldn't believe how pissed off the people upstairs were.

How do you tell two half-siblings apart?

The difference is apparent

A farmer dies and gives two horses to his sons.

The first son says: We should cut one ear off so that we can tell them apart.

The second son agrees and they cut one ear off the horse.

That night the horse sees that he doesn't have an ear and thinks that he should bite off the ear of the other horse, and he does.

The next morn...

These dudes are building a pub on the top of these apartments.

I don’t know why they set the bar so high.

After a few drinks and small talk, she invited him back to her apartment.

Just before they turned out the light, he asked, "how do you like your eggs in the morning?"

"Unfertilised," she replied.

Keep your friends at least 6 feet apart

... and your enemies closer.

*- Sun Tzu*

Why did the pharaohs marriage fall apart?

Pyramid Scheme

This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits".

Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?

Don't forget to keep everything in your dairy/pantry a few inches apart...

... We are supposed to be shelf isolating!

Why do astronauts always sit one chair apart from eachother when drinking alcohol?

Because they're at a space bar.

Grandma made a bet with John that if he didn’t eat 25 dumplings, he would clean the apartment

John eats the 24th dumpling, but the 25th is not in the plate ... That's all you need to know about drafting contracts.

There have been several small quakes in California since the beginning of the COVID19 outbreak, and scientists have determined that San Diego and Oceanside are now about 6 feet further apart.

They’re calling it SoCal distancing.

One day God visits St. Peter at the pearly gates and tells him heaven is too crowded and to not let so many people in and gives St Peter a quota for each day.

Later that day 3 men approach looking for entrance into heaven. Peter turns to the men and tells them that only 1 of them is able to enter into heaven. To decide which one gets in he asks them how they died. He tells them that the man with the best death story will get into heaven.

The first ...

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Newlyweds are going at it in their apartment building

That is to say they are fucking hard. But the lady was very loud.
So the next morning neighbour Jon tells the man:
"Look Mike, I'm fine with the youngs having sex, but do you mind putting some tape over her mouth so the rest of us can get some sleep?"
So Mike does. That night the young coup...

A woman lives in an apartment with three neighbors on her floor

One night while taking a shower, the door bell rings.

She puts on a towel, gets out, and looks through the door's peephole.

It's her neighbor who's a fireman. She opens the door.

"Hey, Just wanted to let you know I put out my first fire!" he exclaims.

"Congratulations!" S...

Judy came home from shopping and met her 19 year old granddaughter Tae walking out of the shared apartment.

Tae was wearing a sleek black top through which her nipples were easily seen against the threads. In shock, Judy said "Granddaughter! I cannot allow you to go out of this house in such apparel! Your goods are showing way too much!"

To which Tae replied, "Loosen up, Grams. This isn't the 70s, ...

A man named Joseph moved into the apartment next to another man and his fiance.

The man and his fiance got to know Joseph over the next few months and became friendly towards him.

One day, Joseph was caught in an accident at work and injured his eye. He had to have a cotton patch over it for a few weeks while it healed.

It was during this time that the man's fianc...

Phone call with nurse: My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

Nurse: “Is this her first child?”

Me: “No, you idiot!, this is her husband!”

How can you tell an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer apart?

By the taste.

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits fo their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

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Five feet apart cause we're not gay

Six feet apart cause we're not stupid

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A hypnotist at the senior citizens' center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you a...

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I pop a viagra every time I need to leave my apartment.

You don’t expect me to call the elevator with my finger, do you???

A boyfriend loses the key to his girlfriend's apartment....

Gets no new key.

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A guy moves into a new apartment building...

He decides to host a party to get to know his neighbours. Being the sort of person who liked to do things a little differently he throws a costume party but with a unique theme. Every guest must turn up dressed up as an emotion.

The big night finally arrives and our host is feeling nervous. W...

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Farmer John and his wife Mary lived on a big piece of land in the middle of Ohio.

They did pretty well for themselves, but as all affluent farmers will know, farming is not easy money. After a few years of living together and working very hard, their marriage started to fall apart. Being just as determined to keep their marriage together as they were to keep their farm running, t...

The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had...

The 12 Days of Corona

In the year 2020, the pandemic gave to me:
12 Cancelled Plans
11 Face Masks
10 Sanitizers
9 Murder Hornets
8 Zoom Calls
7 Mental Breakdowns
6 Feet Apart
5 Curbside Pickups
4 Quarantines
3 Travel Restrictions
2 Karens Complaining
And a massive shortage of Grocery S...

A guy meets a girl in a bar and they go back to her apartment.

They go into her bedroom and from left to right, floor to ceiling, there’s a whole wall full of fluffy toys. Floor to ceiling, side to side, fluffy toys everywhere. They get it on.

When they’re done, the guy says, “How was I?”

She says, “Take anything from the bottom shelf.”

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My girlfriend has an identical twin, but I know how to keep them apart.

She has long brown hair

And her brother has a penis

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A little old lady

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice, “Yy-youuuung man, dd-do y-you, sell-l d-didildoes h-hhhere?”

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady’s appearance in his shop answered, “Uh, yes ma’am, we do.”

The little lady, holdi...

I had a really bad pest problem in my apartment.

Luckily, she finally moved out.

(This was told to me by a Southwest crew member a few years back.)

In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

I've been trying unsuccessfully to move air around my apartment all day

I gotta say, I'm not a fan

Talking clock

A man is showing his apartment to his friend.

The friend sees a large copper pan on the wall.

\- And what is this?

\- Its a talking clock!

\- Really how does it work?

The man hits the pan with all his might.

A voice is heard from behind the wall:


...

Why can’t 9 ants rent an apartment?

Because they aren’t ten-ants

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Is buttcheeks one word...

or should I spread them apart?

Have you ever smelled moth balls?

How did you get their legs apart?

What is the name of a severely injured historical figure?

Napoleon Bone-Apart!

A blonde walks into a bar looking frustrated

The bartender asks her, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the hor...

Old habits are hard to break.

A woman gynecologist decides she wants to become a mechanic. She enrolls in a technical college and becomes an A student.

Before she can graduate she must pass the final exam, which is dismantling a car engine & rebuilding correctly. When she receives the results of her exam she sees the ...

What is the longest word in the English language?

"smiles"...

The first and last letters are a mile apart

Dad dates a lot of Denise’s

So true story that I laugh about from time to time: as I sit here on the thrown I thought would share with the world...

My father dated three woman for various years but they just so happen to have the same name... Of course we noticed this poked fun at him about it but these are years apart...

If your Doctor spoke like Trump

So it seems you’ve tested positive for the Chinese virus, the so-called Covid NINETEEN, the Corona—nobody knows what to call it, quite frankly. It’s the most amazing thing, no one knew anything about Corona until a few weeks ago.

But the moment I heard about it—the Wuhan flu; it’s also the W...

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The Tale of the Unlicensed Doctor

A man walks into a doctor's office one day with full garb on. Stethoscope, reflex hammer, the little ear light, the works, except none of it actually worked, seeing as they were just replicas for movies and such. He sees a lady sitting in the corner and offers to help her then and there. She says ye...

Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

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Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.

I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.

How do you identify the head nurse apart from all the other nurses?

From the dirt on her knees

Bob takes Jenny to the fair for their blind date ...

Bob asks Jenny what she wants to do first. Jenny says excitedly, “I want to get weighed!” Bob says okay, and they go to the Guess Your Weight tent and Jenny wins a stuffed bear.

Bob asks what she wants to do next, Jenny says, hesitantly, “I ... I want to get weighed ...” Bob thinks this stran...

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I once dated a girl with a twin. People kept asking how I could tell them apart.

I said it's easy. Jill (my girlfriend) has purple nails and Alex her twin keeps reposting this crappy joke to reddit.

Gynecologist Career Change

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork so he decided to give up practicing medicine.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classe...

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Looking Back

After 25 years of marriage, a husband took a long look at his wife one day and said: “Twenty-five years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, and I slept on a sofa bed, but I got to sleep every night with a sexy twenty-six year old blonde. Now, we have a nice house, a nice car and a big bed, b...

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A man is showing off his new apartment...

After a night at the bar, he brings his friends up, where he has large brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with the gong and mallet?" One of his friends asked.

"It's not a gong, it's a talking clock," the man replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?"

"Yup."

"How's it wor...

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The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up.

When it came to Johnny he said, “I want to be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. I’ll get me a bitch, and buy her a million-dollar apartment in Vegas, a Ferrari, a beach house in Miami, a jet to fly with, expensive jewelry and have sex with her 3 times a day.”

The teacher was lost for...

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Missed opportunity to get laid

This pretty woman who lived in the apartment across from mine came over on a Saturday night in her pajamas and showed me where she'd stepped on a tack, and asked if I thought she should get a tetanus shot. I loaded up WebMD, researched it thoroughly and concluded she didn't need one then sent her on...

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Bob, an accountant





was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing.


His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor.


He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a...

How far apart were the octopi?

They had sixteen feet between the two of them.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband standing around with a fly swatter

What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.




Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on th...

This guy moves to NYC

and the first night in his new apartment he realizes how loud his upstairs neighbor is, so he goes upstairs to politely ask him to cut it out. When he asks him to quiet down the guy responds with a nod and slams the door in face, resuming the loudness.

A week goes by and every night is the sa...

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A man walks into a bar that is empty apart from the bartender...

...he orders a beer, the bartender gives him the beer along with some peanuts and then says

"listen buddy I have to go into the back room, do you mind being alone for a little bit?
The man says "no that's fine". He is enjoying his beer when all of a sudden a voice pipes up and says "hey I...

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This joke is popular with lebanese people, idk if everyone will find it funny but here we go

Mr. Abed and Mrs. Abed recently moved to a new building on the first floor. They were very happy they moved to a better area, but little did they know there was a man living in the second floor who plays the violin. At night when they went to sleep, the man started playing the violin and it was beau...

The Trophy Maker (OC - long)

Old Rick Giuseppe was a fifth-generation trophy maker – like his father, grandfather, great grandfather and great great great grandfather before him. Alas, Old Rick Giuseppe’s wife had died a few years ago, and the man lived in solitude, apart from a cat named Jeffery, who was his late wife’s belove...

What does an American angry with his tire and a Brit delighted with his apartment have in common?

They're both mad about their flats.

The walls of my apartment are so thin.

I asked my wife a question and got four different answers.

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Superman

One day superman suddenly really wanted to fuck Wonder Woman, don’t know why, just did.
He said to himself “next time I’ll see her I’ll fuck her quick using my super fast powers”
One day he sees her on a rooftop bare naked and her legs spread apart and he thinks this is his lucky day! So quick...

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Street seller offers really special eyeglasses to Steve

He tries them on and sees all the people naked when he looks through them. He immediately buys them and gets home to show them to his wife sneaking a few peeks as he goes.

He enters the apartment and sees his wife with his best friend naked on couch. He takes eyeglasses off, they're naked. On...

Why do moths fly with their feet apart?

Have you seen the size of moth balls?

What do my life and my sandwich have in common

They both fall apart right in front of my eyes

If my house and the gas station are 1 mile apart

Why has it taken my dad 17 years to get smokes?

It’s ok if you fall apart sometimes.

Tacos fall apart and we still love them.

Why did the USSR fall apart so quickly?

Because they're always Russian out there.

What do you get when you throw a French grenade into a kitchen?

Linoleum Blown Apart

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Three guys died the same day

3 guys all died on the same day, and they're standing in line before Peter and the pearly gates.

Peter says "ayy fellas, I'm a little full today. I tell you what. Whichever one of you has the best death story gets in today."

So ol' Pete pulls the first guy over and asks how he dies. ...

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire, 'NSFW'

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

If you have nine ants in your apartment, that’s a problem.

But if you have ten ants, just ask them for rent.

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