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Apart Jokes

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I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart?

Sally painted her fingernails purple. Bob had a cock.

I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.

Brian has a moustache.

A man leaving his apartment building runs into his female neighbor on the elevator.

"Good morning, what are you up to today?" he asks.


She replies, "I'm going down to give blood."


"How much do you get paid for giving blood?" he asks.


"About $20 a pint." she says.


"Hmm ...," the man, says. "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the spe...

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

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A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment...

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.



"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.



"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."



"How does it work?"



The guys picks up a hammer, gives the ...

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Every night, the sounds of loud aggressive pornography blast from my neighbours’ apartment.

We’ve tried talking about it but I don’t care what they say; I’m not disconnecting from their Bluetooth speakers.

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A man is showing off his new apartment...

After a night at the bar, he brings his friends up, where he has large brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with the gong and mallet?" One of his friends asked.

"It's not a gong, it's a talking clock," the man replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?"

"Yup."

"How's it wor...

A couple, after a rather successful first date and are heading back to the guy's apartment.

As the guy reaches for his keys, the girl says, "Oh, this part usually tells me how a guy is in bed. If a guy fumbles around trying to get the key into the lock, it means he hasn't had much experience and has no idea what he's doing, but if the guy just jams the key in, it means he's very forceful a...

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Apart from humans, the only animal that enjoys having sex is a dolphin.

I had to shag a LOT of animals to find that out.

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.

I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

In an apartment complex, a beautiful woman and three men live

One day, the woman is taking a shower, when one of the men knocks on her door. She recognizes his voice as that of the football player, so she puts on a towel and sees what he wants.

Football player: great news! My team won the game!

Woman: that’s very exciting! Congratulations!
...

Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY

That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

I took a girl back to my apartment and she said, “You don’t have too much experience in taking off bras, do you?”

Me: What gave me away?

Her: The scissors, mostly.

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

She gets so angry and opens her purse to take out the gun. But then, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "Don't do it honey".

The blonde yells back, "Shut up, you are next".

I visited my new friend in his apartment, and he told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

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Young man moves into an apartment block….

On the first day he discovers the neighbour across the hall is a stunningly beautiful girl with a gorgeous body.

One day he’s just about to enter his apartment and his neighbour opens her door, she is just wearing a black lace negligee with matching panties, he can’t help but stare.

S...

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Jewish Mom buys a new apartment

She calls her son once she is moved in and is gushing about what a nice place she has and invites him to come see it.

Of course he agrees so she starts giving him directions on how to get there.

"Once you park, head straight through the courtyard and you'll see a buzzer for the apartm...

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Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck...

So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine.

After they finished with their twenty minute *alone time,* Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you...

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you w...

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An Amish girl and her mother were visiting a mall and they were especially amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again with a room inside.

The girl asked, “Mother, what is this?”

The mother, never having seen an elevator before, responded, “I have no idea."

While the girl and her mother watched with amazement, an old man in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

After he got in, the wall...

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire, 'NSFW'

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

How many ants does it take to fill an apartment building?

Ten ants.

It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart.

One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

How do you tell a chemist and a plumber apart?



You ask them to pronounce unionized.

A man walks into a bar, and is torn apart in seconds.

Whoops, sorry. Bear\*

Some people have trouble telling apart pastries and confections...

But to me, it's a piece of cake.

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I installed a skylight in an apartment today...

The people in the apartment upstairs were plenty pissed.

What sets carbon apart from the other elements?

It’s the only element with based life forms.

I showed up at my girlfriend’s apartment with an erection.

I got a hard no.

What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke when Luke’s marriage was falling apart?

“Use divorce, Luke”

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The Homophobics in my apartment building have been boycotting the elevators.

They found out elevators go both ways.

Instead of a Handyman, my apartment complex has a Handywoman.

She's a bit of a pothead but damn good at her job. Today she asked me if I wanted to smoke with her but I declined cuz I can't stand high maintenance women.

How does a black mother tell her children apart?

She remembers them by their last names.

This sub is seriously falling apart

I knew I should’ve gone to Subway

Why did the male doll fall apart after Barbie friendzoned him?

Because he became Bro Ken.

Five ants moved into an apartment. Then five more moved in.

Now the landlord is asking for rent.

Mrs. Goldberg and Mrs. Ginsburg used to be great friends, but eventually they drifted apart

Years later, they bump into each other in the supermarket.

Mrs. Ginsburg says “It’s so great to see you! Tell me, how is Mr. Goldberg?”

Mrs. Goldberg replies “Well you won’t believe what I have to tell you! A few days ago I was making a pot of soup, and it was delicious but I thought ...

Woman can't get mating dogs apart

A woman had two dogs that she hadn't had fixed, but always kept them from mating. One night she wakes up at 2 AM to this terrible howling.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and is unable to separate them.

She called her vet ,who answered in a very grumpy voice...

She criticized my apartment...

So I knocked her flat

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Newlyweds are going at it in their apartment building

That is to say they are fucking hard. But the lady was very loud.
So the next morning neighbour Jon tells the man:
"Look Mike, I'm fine with the youngs having sex, but do you mind putting some tape over her mouth so the rest of us can get some sleep?"
So Mike does. That night the young coup...

After going up to her apartment, my date told me, “Make yourself at home.”

Turns out that English is not her first language, and she was asking me to leave.

My apartment is so small...

I tried putting a key in a lock, and broke a window.

A Serb, a Croat and a Bosniak are arrested in Iran for drinking alcohol.

The court sentences them to 10 whip lashes each, but everyone is allowed to make a special request beforehand.

First up is the Serb. "I request a pillow strapped on my back!" he says. After 2 lashes it rips apart and his back gets completely torn open.

Second up is the Croat. "I reques...

A man is running late to an interview and is waiting for a taxi outside of his apartment complex.

If he nails the interview it can land him a very high paying job that can change his life.With no taxi in sight the man starts to get desperate. He looks up and says "God please please help me get a taxi. I know I haven't been an exemplary human but please I need this break at this point in my life....

The FBI are raiding an alleged spy’s apartment, when they discover a hard drive labelled “KGB”.

One of the agents holds it up with a look of confusion and says, “why wouldn’t he just write 1 TB?”

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A man lives on the 15th floor of an apartment.

One rainy Saturday afternoon he walks out onto his balcony and sticks his hand out over the edge to see if it's raining or not, and a glass eye falls into his hand. He looks up, and there is a gorgeous woman standing on the balcony above him, who apologises and says she was just leaning out to check...

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I am currently renting a really crappy furnished apartment.

All the appliances suck.

Except the vacuum cleaner.

I can never tell male and female geese apart.

I'm confused about my gander identity.

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment...

...when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife.. Who will it be?'
...

How do you tell a biologist apart from someone into BDSM?

Ask them what the opposite of Dominant is.

Whats the difference between a flat and an apartment

One’s 2D

RENT FOR APARTMENT [LONG]

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and, before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR...

Two best friends apart

This joke about two very good friends who grew up together. Tom and Jim. Tom decides to go out of the country for work, and asks his best friend Jim to look after his mother and his cat. Jim promises that he will, and that he will write to Tom to keep in touch.

While working overseas Tom get...

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A friend was bragging to me that he was having sex with both a girl and her twin.I asked,how can you tell them apart?

He replied,her brother has a moustache!

I have an apartment complex

I'm very insecure about mine

How can you tell Odin's sons apart?

Thor has long, golden, amazing hair.


His brother is Balder.

A rich old lady called the veterinarian to come to her apartment due to problems with her female cat.

Vet: Is your cat spayed?

ROL: No. I didn’t think that necessary. She never goes outside.

The vet inspected the cat carefully.

Vet: Well, she must have gotten out at some time. She’s pregnant.

ROL: She can’t be. Since I had her as a kitten she has never been outside thi...

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How do you tell apart a Chinese from a Japanese?

With a Geiger Counter.

There was a building with 4 apartments

In the first apartment was a boxer named Sean. In the second apartment was a soccer player named Andres. In the third was a blind man named Ian, and in the 4th apartment was a beautiful woman named Elizabeth. One day, Elizabeth decided to take a shower. She got in the shower then heard the doorbell ...

In my twenties, I lived in a houseboat and I started dating the girl next door.

Eventually….we drifted apart.

Why did the astronaut take his computer's keyboard apart?

He was looking for the Space Bar.

Carpenter wanted. Cabinet is falling apart

Address: 10 Downing Street

A man speaks frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"

The doctor asks, "Is this her first child?"

The man replies, "No! Idiot! I'm her husband!"

I recently signed an apartment lease...

Below where I signed on the lease agreement I had my dad cosign

Now we're tan.

Every thing is made in China apart from babies.

They are made in Vachina.

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining…

… and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from, just in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" He asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. On arrival she was profuse i...

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Is buttcheeks one word...

or should I spread them apart?

A man moves in an old apartment

He notices the place is ridden with moths. Not knowing what to do, he calls his mother who tells him to buy some mothballs.

He goes to a nearby store and buys a pound of mothballs. The next day, he goes back and buys another pound. That same day he returns and buy yet another pound.

...

I live in a two-story apartment I own. My brother calls it my love glove.

Because that's a condom idiom.

I've never brought a gal home to my studio apartment.

Part of me is worried that she'll judge me. After all, the place is pretty small.

But the other part of me is worried that she'll get a terrible sleep. Earplugs help, but even then it takes awhile to get used to my dad's snoring.

My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.

It’s a little flat.

3 men bump into each other after 30 years apart....

They begin catching up on what each one has been up to over the past 30 years.

First guy - I got married and moved to LA where I ran my own restaurant. One morning, I showed up for work only to find my restaurant engulfed in flames. The whole thing burned to the ground. Insurance paid me a f...

Why did the pharaohs marriage fall apart?

Pyramid Scheme

A man was locked out of his apartment

He started talking calmly but firmly to the lock...
Because end of the day, communication is key.

A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.

One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"

Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall

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Had sex with twins last night, my friend asked how i could tell them apart, "easy" i said..

.."the brother had a moustache"

Went to a restaurant that had circles 6 feet apart.

They only served people in the loop.

How do you tell murderers apart?

Their Serial Number

How do you tell two half-siblings apart?

The difference is apparent

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My wife and I decided to see a therapist because our marriage was falling apart.

Therapist: So, what seems to be the problem?


Wife: I can't take it anymore. I can't live with him making Star Wars puns all the time.


Me: Divorce is strong with this one.

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

How far apart were the octopi?

They had sixteen feet between the two of them.

What do you call two witches sharing an apartment?

Broomates!

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Hard to tell apart

My friend told me that he was cheating on his girlfriend with her twin.

“How do you tell them apart?” I asked

He said “Sally is Blonde with nice tits and Steve has a beard”

I went to a zoo the other day, but all the cages were empty apart from one that just had a little dog in it

It was a shih tzu

Jimmy had five sons named Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy and Rudy. How did he tell them apart?

He called them by their last name.

How do bees let visitors into their apartment building?

They buzzzzz them in.

The shoe I'm wearing just fell apart.

I guess it was on it's last leg.

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Five feet apart cause we're not gay

Six feet apart cause we're not stupid

My buddy had a threesome with his GF and her twin….

I asked him how he could tell them apart? He told me her brother had a mustache…

Why did the homeless man move into an apartment?

He was thinking outside the box

My house and a grocery store are 15 miles apart and it takes an average person to walk 1 mile per hour

Why does it take my dad more than 19 years to get to the store and back?

A large apartment building is on fire, and people are trapped...

The first firefighters on scene notice that a couple is in a window 10 stories up, frantically waving their arms. They have a baby, and the smoke and fire is getting thick. The firefighters know that their ladder can't reach that high, and desperately try to come up with a plan.

A bystander,...

A man tells his friend that his wife is one of twins. 'It must be difficult telling them apart' says the friend.

'Oh, it is' says the man 'Especially now her brother's shaved his beard off'

I just realized my apartment has a pretty good ceiling.

I mean...it’s not the best, but it’s up there.

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I recently moved into an apartment building from a house.

The neighbors came knocking at the door at 2am, are all high density living situations full of assholes.

Anyway, it totally interupted my drum lesson.

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead get in to an elevator at their apartment building.

As the door closes the brunette looks down on the ground and see what appears to be a puddle of cum and says, “Eeeeeeew there cum on the ground!”

The redhead gets on her hands and knees and sniffs it and says, “Yeah it smells like cum!”

The blonde dips her finger in it and tastes it an...

It’s ok if you fall apart sometimes.

Tacos fall apart and we still love them.

The poor man lives in an apartment complex

The rich man finds it quite simple

John rolls out of his room into the apartment,

John rolls out of his room into the apartment, looking like some misshapen ball. His roommate Ron, horrified, asks what happened.

“Oh nothing major, I just found a genie and told him I could use a joint, looks like he misinterpreted and turned me into a human knee,” said John.

“A kn...

I finally realized why many apartments have weird popcorn ceiling

I sat at my desk and started working on a project.

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I found out a package thief is in my apartment complex so I ordered a butt-plug off Amazon

That way if it gets stolen, then the thief can go fuck themself

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A blonde, a redhead and a brunette all live in the same apartment block and are in the lift together.

The brunette notices a very questionable and quite fresh semen stain on the wall of the lift.
"Look at that' she said. The redhead looks and says " Is that what I think it is? That's disgusting! Who would do such a thing?"
The blonde goes over to the stain, dabs her finger in it, tastes it and...

A couple moves into an apartment and decides to paper the living room.

They ask their neighbor, who has the same size living room, if he had ever papered his room and how many rolls he bought. The neighbor answers "Eleven".

So the couple buys 11 rolls of expensive wall paper and gets to work. To their surprise, after 8 rolls the living room is finished. Annoyed,...

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A very wealthy widow in NYC just bought a huge penthouse apartment...

It was gorgeous. Two whole floors of the building overlooking Central Park. The only issue was a big, blank, white wall. So, the widow decided to hire a muralist.

She found the perfect artist and told him what she wanted.

"I've always loved the rimanticized Old West. Westerward expansi...

Man visits Afghanistan 2 decades apart.

A man visits Afghanistan and during his visit he got to witness the culture and the differences from his own country. One curious thing that he noticed was that when married couples went for a walk, the men walked in front and the women follows 10 yards behind. His trip ended and he went home.
...

Three generations apart, watching a soccer game

"Hey great grandpa, watch this soccer game!"

"Sure, which two countries are playing?"

"Austria - Hungary."

"Against who?"

If all people on Earth stood 6 feet apart along the equator...

... many of them would drown.

An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.

“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I am a baseball player. I can catch you.”

“Wait,” she says. “What team do you play for?”

“The Cincinnati Reds,” shouts the man.

“Ehhhh,” shrugs the woman. “I will take my chances with the fire.”

I went to the optician today because I keep seeing the world fall apart.

He said I have 2020 vision.

My new girlfriend told me that her entire apartment was full of Monkees memorobilia.

I thought she was exaggerating, but then I saw her place.

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Why wasn’t the movie Five Feet Apart (2019) more successful?

It was a year early and a foot short.

Did you see that movie with the bugs living together in an apartment?

It's about ten ants.

2 men are robbing an apartment...

...when they hear sirens outside the building.

"We need to jump!" says the first man.
The second man replies "But we're on the 13th floor!"

"This is no time to be superstitious!" exclaims the first man.

Most often heard response to the social-distancing 1 meter apart rule in Norway?

We have to stand closer to people?

Why did the USSR fall apart so quickly?

Because they're always Russian out there.

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