The key to good cooking

I used to be like that shouty chef on Hell's Kitchen. When I worked in the kitchen I yelled and shouted all the time. And then I discovered oven mitts.

I don't buy cheap oven mitts anymore

I've been burnt before

Mitt Romney and the King of Saudi-Arabia are having a dinner party...

...the mood of the night is very good and after they spent a while talking about what new amazing things they have bought for themselves and the amount of money they managed to acquire in the past year, as well as all sorts of political matters they come to some lighter topics.
So the King says t...

Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are both on a sinking ship...

Barack Obama and Mitt Romney are both on a sinking ship; both of them are drowning. Who gets saved?!?

The answer: AMERICA!!!

Rick Santorum is claiming that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him...

Which is kind of ironic — that Santorum can be brought down by two men forming a civil union.

Why does Mitt Romney never win at Jenga?

Because he takes too much from the bottom and middle and gives it to the top.

What type of milk does Mitt Romney use with his cereal?

The one percent

How to describe Mitt Romney in two sentences.

I stand by what I said, whatever it is that I said.

I deny saying that, whatever it is that I said.

How did Mitt Romney get a 14% tax rate?

He claimed 47% of America as dependents.

It's so hot...

...asphalt has a liquid state.
...I saw bird pull a worm out of the ground using oven mitts.
...

My wife said she's leaving me because I keep making silly puns about her dark yellow oven glove.

However, I wasn't expecting to wake up this morning and find her gone, I mustard mitt.

Alan Dershowitz privately counselled Senate Republicans on how to handle the articles of impeachment for Donald Trump

He said “If you’re not Mitt, you must acquit.”

OP meets a talking crow

One day OP decides to get off reddit for a bit and go for a nice leisurely walk. After walking for a few hours he pauses at a park bench and sits down to collect his thoughts.

A crow lands on the bench beside him and takes him off guard by saying hello.

“Are... are you a talking crow?...

A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar...

the bartender says 'hey, Mitt.'

What Does A Chinese Man Need When Taking his Dog Out?

Oven mitts.

Free Kittens

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket of furry animals; in her hand was a sign that read: FREE KITTENS. Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall grinning man. "Hi there little girl...

Clocks in Heaven

A woman passes away and finds herself at the Pearly Gates, with an angel showing her around. One thing she immediately notices is that there are a LOT of clocks in Heaven. Billions. She asks the angel who explains. "Everyone, past or present, gets a clock when they are born. Each time you tell ...

Mittens keeping it cool.

A man dies, goes to heaven, stands before St. Peter, and see a huge wall of clocks. The man asks what all the clocks are for and St. Peter explains, "These are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie clock. Every time a person lies, the clock hands move."

Pointing to one, the man says, "Whose...

Three military wives were at the base PX in Fort Hood fighting over the last toaster on the shelf. The first one says "My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star. I deserve it."

The second one says "No. My husband came back from Afghanistan with a Purple Heart, a Bronze Star, and the Congressional Medal of Honor. I deserve it."

The third one says "Well, my husband came back from Afghanistan in a body bag. NOW GET YOUR MITTS OFF THAT TOASTER!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's Dark in Here...

A young boy was playing hide-n-seek. He decided to hide in his mother's closet. Suddenly, the mother came into the room with a man. They began making love, not knowing the boy was in the closet. Suddenly the boy's father pulled into the driveway. The mother, in a panic, rushed the man into the close...

Donald Trump is the most unifying voice in American politics.

When was the last time Barack Obama, Paul Ryan, Jon Stewart, Glenn Beck, Bernie Sanders, George Bush, Elizabeth Warren, Mitt Romney, Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Al Gore, John McCain, and Hillary Clinton all agreed on anything?

Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking along.

Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking along.

They see a sign: "Contest for World's Most Beautiful Woman." Snow White goes in, later comes out smiling, wearing a crown.

They walk along and see another sign: "Contest for World's Strongest Man." Superman goes in, later comes out ...

HURRICANE SANDY UPDATE

Mitt Romney has advised everyone in the path of Hurricane Sandy to make their way to their 2nd or 3rd homes immediately.

No power.

Mitt Romney : "8 Million Americans still have no power."

Obama: "8 Million and one."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old multi-billionaire is lying on his deathbed...

And he calls his 3 best friends into the room.

 

"Now look," he says, "I know I won't be alive much longer, and you know I love my money. I want to prove to my family that you CAN take it with you when you go. So, to keep them from getting their greedy mitts on my money, I'm ...

All of Donald Trump's wives are foreigners...

Turns out there really are jobs American's won't do.

Source: Mitt Romney's response to an interviewer's question.

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