The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife came up to me the other day and said "Do these jeans make me look fat?"

I said "Do you promise not to get mad at me no matter what I say?"

"Yes"

"Okay, I fucked your sister."

My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it

Post office

My 10 year old Son just came up with this one and I couldn't be more proud: What's Batman's favourite fruit?

A Banananananananananananananananana

EDIT: Thank you everyone for the awards and kind words! Just to clarify:

* Yes, he does know the 60's batman theme. My partner loves campy batman so it was inevitable. [The Simpsons](https://youtu.be/TQepz5rsS6E?t=88) also made sure of that.
* Gi...

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

\-Client: is room 39 empty?

\-Boss: yes, sir.

\-Client: can I book it?

\-Boss: of course you can.

\-Client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g. The boss agr...

My uncle's joke he just came up with: What are chocolate's preferred pronouns?

Her, She

My little daughter came to me all excited, shrieking, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in October!” Playing along, I laughed, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck

So they put the meal on the duck's bill.

A man came up to me in the park.

"Excuse me," he said, leaning on the bench, "have you seen a dog with five legs?"

"A dog with five legs?" I laughed. "Don't be daft, dogs only have four."

He sighed.

Then hopped off, shouting, "Has anyone seen my prosthetic limb?!"

The local blind man came to my house today.

But after a short look through the catalogue I’ve decided to stick with curtains.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".

I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".

The zipper on my jeans came off just before I was about to get on the plane to go on vacation and the airline wouldn't board me.

They said I was on the no fly list.

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A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the...

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into th...

A little girl says to her mother, “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around” “Not now,” says Mummy. “Wait until Daddy gets home.”

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says “Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?”

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, “You keep quiet – I’ll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear.”

The little girl says, “Daddy to...

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What did God yell out his window when he came up with the idea of a penis?

Urethra! I've got it!

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

I came home from work to see a note from my girlfriend taped to the refrigerator. It said, "You're too literal. This isn't working, so I'm leaving you."

I don't understand. The light came on when I opened the door, and all the food was still cold.

When my wife came home from work, I said, "Sit down, I've got some bad news. The cat's torn your budgie to pieces."

She replied with tears in her eyes, "We don't have a cat." I said, "I know, I had to borrow one."

A genie came up to me and told me I have 3 wishes

For my first, I asked for money, he gave me money

For my second, I asked for world peace, he gave me world peace

For my third I asked my family to be happy, he was concerned, asking me if I'm sure, I told him I am

Then I started fading away

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I was working on my quantum physics homework when my mom came barging in...

I switched to porn because it was easier to explain

My 7 year old son came up with this please be kind.

Why did the icecream have an umbrella?... because there were to many sprinkles!

A JOKE MY DAD CAME UP WITH

Since the united states has a nationwide coin shortage, does that mean we lack common cents?

An explorer spent weeks scouring the jungles of Skull Island, hoping to see the legendary King Kong. One day, when he was all but certain that it was nothing but a myth, he came to a clearing - and right there before him, sitting pensively, was the imposing figure of King Kong...

The explorer glared at King Kong in awe, and approached him slowly. King Kong seemed to be quite passive, so the explorer slowly reached out and shyly touched him. But as soon as he made contact with the gorilla’s fur, King Kong went berserk. He immediately rose to his feet, began beating his chest ...

Doing a crossword puzzle I came across a clue “Part of the body where you might insert a plug. 3-Letters”

Turns out the correct answer is “EAR”. I was way off.

i came up with this one and i think its a little silly. what do you call it when a missile fails to reach it’s destination?

projectile dysfunction

What came before the X-Men?

The C-Men.

My nephew came to me with a look of pride on his face.

He said uncle, uncle look what I made it’s a telephone. He proceeded to show me two tin cans tied together with string.

I pulled out my iPhone and said: “this is what kids your age make in China.”

During the Cold War, the Russian government came up with a plan to demoralize the Americans.

They placed an order with America's largest rubber manufacturer for 50,000 cases of condoms, 5 inches wide and 17 inches long.

Being a shrewd businessman, the owner of the company filled the order while simultaneously fulfilling his patriotic duty and making the Russians' ploy backfire.
...

Shoulder came out of my socket while locating for a lost blunt...

Call that a Dislocated joint

"Gilbert O'Sullivan came into my bank the other day,"

"What did he want?"


"A loan again, naturally..."

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

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Q: How did you meet your husband? A: I'm a pharmacist. He came in to buy condoms and asked for XXXXL.

After we got married I realized that he sometimes stutters.

My son came to me & said: 'Can I have a book mark?'

14 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Jeff

Can't believe the film Groundhog Day came out 26 years ago....

It feels like yesterday.

A blonde got lost in her car in a snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her: "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it." Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about forty five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot, ...

(6yo nephew came to me and blurted) What does the cheese say to the other cheese passing by ?

Have a grate day.

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop.

The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.<...

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

**Wrong!**

The rooster came first.

I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?” Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained...

“Because...he’s my newt!"

Last night I was just browsing the web when the wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. "Oh, I'm just looking around for some cheap flights.” I replied. She got all excited, smiled widely and then came over to my desk, got on her knees, undid my fly and gave me a tremendous blowie!

Don't ask me why though. She’s never shown any interest in darts before this.

A very fine looking lady coming out of the washroom approached the bartender, smiling as she came closer to him.

When she came up to him she started to bite her lips in a very seductive manner and signalled him to come closer with her hands. The excited bartender was over the moon. She started to run her hands across his hair and caress his face. He was confused but also very turned on. Then she became even mo...

My high school crush came to my work today and I fingered her. (NSFW)

Sometimes being a mortician is awesome.

A man came walking up to me with two peg legs, so I punched him in the face.

I’m lack toes intolerant.

A Chinese man came to India

A Chinese man came to India. He took a taxi at the airport.

On his way by seeing a bus he told the taxi driver that in India buses run very slow. In China buses run very fast.

After sometime, he came near a railway bridge and saw a train passing over the bridge. Then the Chinese guy t...

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"I can't think until after I ejaculate,"

I came to realize.





*edit:* thank you for the awards! My mom's going to be so proud I got my first ones on a pun about post-nut clarity!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had twelve bottles of whisky...

...and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else!
So, I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.



I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass... which I ...

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Be...

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A man was sitting in the couch when his wife came in

The wife told him their son needs 200 dollars for school donation so he gave it to her.

Later that day his son hugged him and thanked him for the 50 he gave to school.

And few hours later the principal messaged him to thank him for the 10 dollars donation.

I found a ghost who wanted to pose for a photo for me! Unfortunately, it came out horribly underexposed.

The spirit was willing, but the flash was weak.

I threw a surprise bukkake party for a girl friend of mine.

Everybody came. You should have seen her face.

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The beautiful woman next door came around complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police...

I nearly crapped her pants!

Who came first? The man or the woman?

The man, after about 30 seconds.

I came out to my Asian parents as a trans woman and told them I have a boyfriend named Shane.

I think they are taking it pretty well. They said they did't have a son and I would bring Shane to the family.

I've decided I want to go out of this world the same way I came into it

An accident.

my brother just came out of the closet

I still don’t understand how he untied himself?

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled p...

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"

So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

I went to a dance with one girl and came home with another- and there’s still resentment all these years later...

I said- “C’mon, Honey, there’ll be other, Daddy/Daughter dances!”

A local dentist was arrested recently for dealing drugs, came as a huge surprise for me ...

I’d been going to him for 6 years and never knew he was a dentist

I always wondered where those little cans of soda came from until I carefully read the writing on one...

...it said, "Made in Halfcanistan"

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'" The mother interrupts him.

''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Johnny and says, ''Tell daddy exactly what you told me...

A joke I came up with in my sleep today

A guy goes to see his doctor and after discussing the problem, the doctor hands him his prescription.

Guy: "Wow, this is the most legible prescription I've ever seen, doc!"

Doctor: "Mfhm sremn emsfn."

Today I came out to my parents, and my dad instantly wanted to disown me.

Luckily, his boyfriend talked him out of it

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned: Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?

His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom t...

I haven’t seen my dad since he came out as a woman

He is transparent

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: ‟What‘s the only mammal that can breathe under water?”

Me: ‟I dunno, what?”

Him (loudly): ‟An elephant sticking his trunk up!”

My 6 year old daughter came up with this joke. What is a duck's favorite sea monster?

A Quacken

I was in a library and a black guy came up to me.

"Where's the coloured printer?" He said

"Mate, it's 2020 you can use any printer you want" I replied

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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

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A man came up to a beautiful woman walking on the street and offered her a proposition.

"I would pay $100 to bite your beautiful breasts"

"Ew, what kind of a woman do you think I am?! I won't let you see them, let alone bit them!"

"Ok, make it $500"

"No! Get away from me!"

"How about $1000?"

"I said, no!"

"$10,000, cash."

"Okay, fine!"...

A sumo wrestler once came to visit, and ended up sleeping on my couch for a month!

It left a negative impression.

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The other day I came across my crush on the street..

Wait, that sounds wrong, let's try that again: the other day I came upon my crush on the street..

No no thats still not right.

The other day I ejaculated on my crush on the street.

A mother was sitting in the living room when her son came in crying

The mother asked him. "What happened?"

The son said. "Dad was using a hammer and hurt his hand."

The mother smiled and said. "Oh it's okay. There's nothing to cry. In fact you should have just laughed."

The son looked up, tears welling up in his eyes. "Well I laughed...."

Just came up with this, as far as I know

A man walks into a gastroenterologist’s office and stops to stand just at the edge of the seating area. The receptionist waits for him to approach but he fidgets uncomfortably, staring at the wooden seats between himself and the counter. “Sir, why don’t you come over here so we can get you checked i...

Letters between a father and son

Dear son;

Your mother and I love you very much, and we miss you dearly ever since you went to prison. I especially miss you now that spring is here, and it is time to plow the fields. The ground is hard, and my back is old. I am afraid I will never be able to plant the crops in time.
...

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You Gotta Hand It To The Person Who Came Up With Oral Sex.

They were really thinking outside the box.

Punxsutawney Phil came out wearing a mask

6 more months of Covid

Came home and found the wife in bed and told her a joke

Was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed

I came home to the sight of my best friend on my bed with my wife.

It really made me appreciate our friendship so much more that he went through all that trouble of digging her out of the grave, just for the sake of a threesome.

It's remarkable that he was able to do that despite being a dog.

came inside my wife in 3.142 seconds

call that a cream π

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,...

Best dad joke I ever came up with: What do you call a resistor that doesn't work?

Ohm-less

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

Came up with this just now...

What do you call two people who have had a lot of plastic surgery, making out?

Lip-py-suction

I'm sorry I'll go.

I hope I leave this world the same way I came into it

Naked and screaming in the back of a Trans Am

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in ...

On Halloween, a man and his son came to my house to trick or treat

I asked them what they were both dressed up as and the man said he was dressed as Predator from the movie. As I gave the man some candy, I asked his son what he was dressed as although they were wearing the same thing and he said he was a child predator.

As I gave him some candy I thought wo...

A 15-year old boy came home with a Porsche.

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “what was that?”The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”The girl slapped him soundly.“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.“Customer feedback.”

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I was verbally harassed by two kids at the park today

So I told them off. Then their mother came over to me and said "Leave them the fuck alone! They're my fucking kids!"

Trying to think of a witty comeback, I asked her "Are they twins?"

She replied, "Of course they're not twins you fucking idiot, one is seven and the other is twelve! How...

Pearl Jam just came out with a product that regulates women’s periods

They’re calling it Even Flow

I was working at the bank and a lady came upto my counter and asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her

A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...

The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and wit...

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My girlfriend came out with a...

... nasty rash where I ejaculated on her.

Apparently she has a nut allergy.

A husband came home to find his wife in bed with another man.

"What are you doing?!" he hollered.
"You see?" said the wife. "I told you he was stupid!"

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We used to have a moat around our yard that the neighbors’ donkeys would always fall into when they came onto our property.

It was a real ass hole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt...

...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that...

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(NSFW) I have a sexual fetish for intellectual breakthroughs

I struggled for a while, but then I came to a realization

I saw emo boy, I came up to him and slaped him on wrist and said:

I like your cut g

Last night I came up with the most innovative idea and made a belt with connecting watches from my collection....

..................... It wasn't long before I realised it was a Waist of Time!!

After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”

God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always , and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, ...

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

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My wife came home from the doctor

Not really a joke. It's a real life story that happened to me. My wife came home from the doctor and said. The doctor discovered my illness - I've got IBS. I told my wife, I know, you've had that almost the entire time I've know you. She said You don't even know what IBS is.

I said yes...

I told my wife I'd never leave her unless aliens came to take me.

It has taken 30 years but I finally have enough for Industrial Light and Magic to do an alien abduction scene.

Joke I came up with at a resturaunt, at night :)

I love how the sun doesn't get cancelled even when it throws shade at everyone?

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My 7yo son just came up with this.

What is a difference between pokemon and the White house?

In pokemon you catch turtwig, but in White house you have a turd wig.

I put a valentines sticker on my bathroom door ‘2BeMine’. My best friend came over with his wife. She went inside the bathroom and I broke into song.

Cuz she’s my best friends girl, but she used 2BeMine.

A flying saucer landed in my backyard and little green men came out. They demanded "TAKE US TO YOUR LEADER".

What the hell am I supposed to tell them? That we won't have a leader until January 20th ?

Nobody came to my party...

Even the cake was in tiers

A joke my chem teacher told my class which his 6 year old son came up with

What do only T-Rexes have?
.
.
.
.
.
.
T-Rex babies

Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone.

What kind of sicko does that to someone’s advent calendar?

What did the doe say when she came out of the forest?

I'll never do that for two bucks again!

Missed my Cake Day but here's a terrible joke (I think) I came up with.

The whole world was in shock last year when Will Smith was found dead. The police suspected foul play but closed the case due to lack of DNA evidence. We're hearing now though that the investigation is being reopened due to the discovery of fresh prints.








I'm sorry...

It was 11 years ago today that my pal Joey came running out of that room shouting “it’s a boy” “it’s a boy” with tears streaming down his face.

We never went back to Thailand.

A young boy living on a farm came down to eat breakfast.

His Mother told him he had to do his chores before he could eat. He got mad but went out to do his chores when a chicken ran across in front of him so being still mad he kicked it. Momma was watching. When the cow kicked over the milk pail, he kicked the cow. Momma was watching. When a pig splattere...

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For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them. “That I’m going to give you a special gift…“I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.”And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.The two handsome figures approach...

Did you know one of the 3 wise men came from the ocean?

It wasn't the gold-man.

Not the frankincense-man.

It was the myrrh-man.

A fellow was walking along a country road when he came upon a farmer working in his field. The man called out to the farmer "How long will it take me to get to the next town?"

The farmer didn't answer. The guy waited a bit and then started walking again. After the man had gone about a hundred yards, the farmer yelled out "About 20 minutes.”

“Thank you. But why didn't you tell me that when I asked you?"

“Didn't know how fast you could walk".

Teacher came to Jack's desk

-You had the same answers in your test as Stan. So you must have cheated.

-How do you know that Stan didn't look at my answers? Jack defended himself.

-Stan had written "I don't know" and you had written "I don't know either"...

The autopsy report came back from the inmate who hung himself in his cell

He had the Epstein-behindBarrs virus

My mom was a radiologist. She met my dad when he came in one day for an x-ray.

I wonder what she saw in him...

I came out of the closet to my boss and was fired on the spot

He’s still asking how I got in his closet

I came up with a pandemic joke...

But I don't want to share it with others

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my girlfriend were going to a Halloween party last year and my girlfriend came down the stairs wearing nothing but boots.

I asked her “What are you suppose to be?” She said, “Puss in boots.” So I went into the kitchen and put a potato on my penis. When I came back out, she asked me, “What are you suppose to be?” I said, “If you can be puss in boots, then I can be a dictator…”

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

A man came to a tailor, and tried on a suit.

As he stood before the mirror, he noticed the vest was a little uneven at the bottom.

“Oh,” said the tailor, “don’t worry about that Just hold the shorter end down with your left hand and no one will ever notice.”

While the customer proceeded to do this, he noticed that the lapel of th...

One day, a husband and wife came to a street corner where Officer Ed was directing traffic. 'Good morning, Officer Ed ,' said the husband. 'Shut up!' he replied.

Officer Ed was known to be quite rude. But the wife didn't let him sour her day. 'My, it's a beautiful day,' she said.

'It's going to rain, stupid!' said Officer Ed.
She replied, 'But there's not a cloud in the sky.'

'Read my lips, lady,' said Officer Ed. 'It's going to rain.'
<...

OC I came up with last week

A man goes on his dream vacation to Spain. While there he sees amazing sights, drinks great wine and dances til late at night.

After a few days he starts to get a weird pain in his chest and decides to go to the hospital to check it out. He gets an X-ray and the doctor tells him he has a tum...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cumshot came out of the time machine...

It was a blast from the past

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife came into the bedroom and I said she wanted to have sex

I told her "no chance tonight I've got a headache" and rolled over.
She left the room and went downstairs.
She came back into the bedroom and started prodding me in the lower back with the hilt of a broom

I asked "why are you poking me with that"

She responded " this is what you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband came home and found her wife lying in the bed trying to catch her breath.

He asked her what was the problem.

She said, " My heart is racing. I think I am having a panic attack. Please call 911."

He went to call 911, when her little son told him that Uncle was hiding under the bed naked.

He immediately came to the room, looked under the bed and found ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend came back from the bathroom with wet hands.

I noticed this.

I said, “Wow it looks like you’ve washed your hands.”

They say, “No, I just pissed on them so I can knock out two birds with one stone.”

What did Snow White say when she came out of the photobooth?

Someday my prints will come…

If I died, and came back as a cowboy, that could very well be considered.....

Reintarnation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife, “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”

Without hesitation, she responded, “The Rooster did. The rooster always cums first.”

My wife came home from the grocery store ...

And said the cashier was very rude. Turns out she was using the self checkout.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

Here's a joke my dad came up with...

I just have to wait for him to get back from the store...

Edit: sorry it's taking so long. He should be here any minute.

Edit 2: still waiting

Edit 3: anytime now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I came home one day to my wife ripping pages out of "Moby Dick" in the living room. "Why are you doing that?" I asked.

She replied, "Well, to make a long story short."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work at a crematorium, and recently received an unclaimed corpse that came with a note that read: inherited wealth—never worked a day in his life. So I cremated him, and put his ashes in an hour glass...

he's been working ever since.

There are immigrants who had came to America, stolen jobs and murdered the local population

and we call those immigrants the founding fathers

Just came from a bookstore where I asked the saleswoman how to find the self-help section...

she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose...

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