A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

John came fifth and won a blender

While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp

When I rubbed it a Genie popped out.


Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it?

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it w...

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”

“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.

My drug test came back negative.

My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the morn...

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local servic...

My 9 1/2 year-old son came up with this one: What do you call someone you can't stand because all they do is annoy you with question after question?

An askhole.

I didn't even laugh at first. I immediately asked if he'd heard it somewhere. He said he hadn't, that he'd come up with it on his own. When I asked him when he did that, he said it was when we were leaving for church (earlier that day). Then I had a good laugh.

I helped...

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term "One Hit Wonder"...

Came up with any other phrases.

A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.

He found love, got married and had a son.

The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.

Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.

After a lot of grief, the man ...

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

“Who was that?”

A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.

She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?"

"Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you...

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"

I said no, 6 should be enough.

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A wife came home early and...

One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want ...

As we were driving down the road, "Sweet Caroline" came on the radio. I said to my son, "Little known fact, Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal."

"Until the pressure got to him."

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An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew.
"But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew.
"That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the...

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The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;"papers"

I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.

A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.

The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting. The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train. Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his kne...

A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines. So I called the cops.

He must be a part of some extreme mist group.

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I came home early yesterday to catch my son with some guy’s cock in his mouth.

Hell of a way to find out he was a cannibal.

(Might be a repost) 5 years ago I threw a boomerang and it never came back....

I now live in constant fear.....

A woman went to the doctor and told him " I keep farting a lot but, my farts don't smell at all, see I farted 7 times since I came here and you didn't even notice"

The doctor gave her some drugs and told her to come back to me after 10 days.

10 days later the woman came back and it was clear that she's frustrated, she told him that the drug he gave her only made the matter worse and that now her farts smell really bad.

The doctor calmly said : "g...

I hosted an orgy for the socially anxious.

Nobody came.

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...

My 4 year old nephew just came up with this joke and proceeded to laugh for 20 minutes after saying it...

When Batman cracks a joke...
He becomes the joker

Because it wasn't good for Adam to be all by himself, the Lord came down for a visit.

"Adam," the Lord said, "I have a plan to make you a very happy man. I'm going to give you a companion who will fulfill your every need and desire. She will be loving, and beautiful, and faithful. She will make you feel wonderful every day of your life."

Adam was stunned, "That sounds incredib...

A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival.

The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily, "I never make way for fools!"

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said,

"I always do."

I was in a field and this farmer came up to me and said " I got 68 sheep can you round them up for me ?"...

I said "Sure, 70" ...

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi...

...decide to have a friendly competition to see who is the best at their job. To make things interesting, they agree to see who is best at converting the bears in the local woods. A week passes, and they get together to compare notes.

The priest says, "I was walking through the woods and ca...

Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states.

My neighbour came round to see me at 2AM yesterday,

It was lucky I was up playing the bagpipes

My 6yo came up with this “Knock knock” joke and it’s one if the best I heard!

- Knock knock
- Who’s there?
- Ach
- Ach who?
- Bless you!

I dared my friend into running into a cucumber field holding a bottle of vinegar... my friend tripped and spilled vinegar everywhere. Shortly afterwards, a farmer came to check on the commotion and began scolding my friend...

Guess my friend got himself in a bit of a
Pickle.

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

My older sister came back from her first year of college and was talking about her favorite sorority initiation called Boo-Khaki

I didn’t know it was required of sororities to hate on khakis, like whats the big deal?

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I can’t believe after all that shit they finally came back together

My poor butt cheeks

Today a 12 yo kid came to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?"

I can't believe it. Kids nowadays are so polite.

I came across a lion in the jungle

I quickly cleaned him up and then ran off

I came home very early one Sunday morning.

I had two black eyes. My wife met me at the door with a look of discust on her face.
"Where have you been so late, and why do you have two black eyes?"
"I was at church." I explained.
"Church!? Where did you get two black eyes?"
"Well funny you should ask", I said. "When the priest asked...

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A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV.

After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.

A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on t...

Eight of the Supreme Court justices, except for Ginsburg, went out on a killing spree, executing everyone they came across.....

... they were Ruthless

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

Did you hear about the mime that got into a bar fight? He was left with a broken left arm. Later the police came in to ask questions.

He had the right to remain silent.

When I was a young boy, a strange man came out of a time machine and punched me.

Jokes on him. I just invented a time machine and I’m going to go back in time and punch him when he was a little boy.

Two men were walking through the woods when they came across a big deep hole.

Two men were walking through the woods when they came across a big deep hole.

'Wow ... that looks deep,' says one. 'Let's toss a few pebbles in and see how deep it is.'
They threw in a few pebbles and waited, but there was no sound.

'Gee - that is a really deep hole. Let's throw one...

Friend of mine bought a Rolex but the glass popped off and then the mechanism came loose and fell to the floor...

...I said watch out!

What creature came before the seagull?

A beagle.

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, M...

My son Luke loves where his name came from

My daughter Chewbecca doesn't

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Something I came up with in class

"You can't spell shower without whores"

A girl came up to me and said she recognised me from a vegetarian restaurant.

I’m a bit confused because i’ve never met herbivore.

The waiter came by and grated cheese for me

I told him I was grateful

I was at the library today when a black guy came up to me and asked me where the colored printers were.

I replied, "Dude, it's 2019, you can use whatever printer you want."

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I Ate Two Pieces of String that Came Out Tied!

I shit you knot.

One day a man came home from work earlier than usual...

...and caught his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death.

His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends."

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A little girl was digging a hole in her back yard and the dad came out and saw her.

Dad: “Hey honey what are you doing?”

Girl: “I’m digging a hole!”

Dad: “I can see that but why?”

Girl: “Cause my fish died. So I’m burying him!”

Dad: “Aw that’s cute! But why is the hole so large”

Girl: “Cause it’s still inside your fucking cat!”

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I recently entered a blindfolded masturbation competition...

I haven't seen the results yet so I've no idea where I came...

Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your shoes on the mat as you came in?

New Employee: Yes sir.



Boss: We are also very keen on truthfulness. There's no mat.

Some folks came to my door this morning....

And asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.

I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.

I came up with a get rich quick scheme to sell Indian sourdough bread you bake at home

...but it turned out that plan was a Naan starter.

A man was walking alone on a beach when he came across a pirate. The pirate asked him “where are your buccaneers matey?”. So the man replied:

“Under my buccan hat”

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My friend recently came out and said he was gay.

But I didn’t believe him because he said it with a straight face

My wife came back home from the hairdresser's. She asked me what I thought of her new look, and she got upset when I made my observation.



'So, you think I look like a bulldog!' she wept.

I laughed to myself.

'No! You need to get your ears tested!' I replied.

'Oh...' she began to smile.

'I said you look like a bald hog,' I added.

I was walking home from school, as I was walking I came across a boy wearing rags and cloths. I asked "Are you homeless?" He said "Yes, what gave me away?"

I said "Your parents."

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"



(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with g...

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A doctor came up with a new surgery

A doctor came up with a new surgery called a “race change”. An asian man was curious, so he went through the surgery and became caucasian. Two weeks later the doctor asked, “How does it feel? Is everything okay?” The asian man said “It’s great! This whole experience was a real... eye opener”

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Some guy came up to me and said "I haven't gone to the bathroom in 2 years"

I said, "you're full of crap"

I came as soon as I heard about my girlfriend.

Then I got in the car.

After my proctology exam I was left alone in the exam room for a few minutes. Then the nurse came in and whispered three words no man ever wants to hear.

"Who was that?"

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If sir names like Smith and Thacher came from occupations

Who's job was Dickinson?

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

Little Billy came home from school...

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the ai...

I once threw an abstinence party...

And no one came.

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new speed bike. “Where did you get the money for the bike?

“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.” “Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.” “That is the truth,” the boy replied.

“Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom.
He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

At first when you came in and ordered glass underwear I though it was a new style...

But now I can see your nuts

Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks.....

The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks."

The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks"

and before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train

The doctor to the patient, you came just in time!

The patient curious: "Why, is it that bad?" The doctor relieved "No, tomorrow it would have been gone!"

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One night Thor came down to Earth from Asgard

He goes to a singles bar to have a drink, and sees a beautiful girl he'd like to make love to. He goes over to buy her a drink, and hears that she has a slight speech impediment, but he doesn't care because she is so beautiful.


They leave the bar, and go to her apartment, and proceed to...

I remember one day when my father came home and demanded that my mother make him a sandwich. And to my great surprise, she did.

I still don't know where she found bread that was his size.

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The Psychiatrist & The Proctologist

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and ...

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

I had trouble making friends in college until I came up with a foolproof plan.

I started telling girls, “I love you”, and their first reaction was “Let’s just be friends.”

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An old man spent most of his days sitting on a keg at the old pirate port in Trinidad, whiling away his time, chatting with the old salts who came and went.

One day the typical storybook pirate with a peg leg, a hook attached to his arm, and a black patch over one eye, came strolling up to the old man and they started a conversation.

"Say, looks like you’ve been in a scrape or two," the old man said. "How did you get that wooden leg of yours?"...

If you came down with an irritating sickness in Chicago...

Then you'd be ill and annoyed.

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants

The lady next door came by and said,"Tom."

So I said,"yes"
She said,"I want you to take off my dress"
I said,"ok"
"Then I want you to take off my bra,"she continued.
"Yeah!"
"Then I want you to take off my panties and high heels"
"O.k."
"AND GIVE THEM BACK TO ME ME YOU PERVERTED,USELESS,THIEF!!!"

So I came across a large sum of money recently

Now it's all sticky

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I went to a friends house last night for a roast dinner .. whilst eating I noticed my friend forgot to take the string off and I accidentally ate a couple of pieces .. the funny thing is, when I went to the toilet this morning they came out tied together ..

I shit you knot

They thought I had Alzheimer's but then all my memories came back

My doctor said I reached the point of know return.

Just came up with this. Will be heartbroken if it exists

I walked into a brothel last week, the madame looked me up and down and asked if I liked femdom. Boy, she had me pegged

A little boy asked his father :" where did human kind came from ?"

The father answer :" at the begining, the god created eve and adam, and they start to give birth slowly till we become that many".
The kid didn't get convenced.. he went right to his mother and asked her the same question ..
The mother answer :" at the begining, there was small animals live...

I came into some money recently.

Probably should’ve just used it to buy some tissues but whatever.

Wife came home from a beauty salon

Husband: "Well, at least you tried."

My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche

She's been such a sour puss about it.

It was mandatory drug test day at my company, and we were standing in line awaiting our turn. Finally, the tester came by with his kit, took one look at me and said, "Sir, you even look stoned. Do you think you can pass this drug test"?

"Sure, man", I said. Then I promptly grabbed the kit and passed it to the guy next to me.

Needless to say, I passed!

A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, "Please help! My daddy is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!"

He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"

I came to a realization...

I have a fetish for discovering new things

I entered a Twisted Sister lookalike contest and came in last place

I won a rock

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

I bought a 2000's Boy band online for only five cents, but it never came in the mail.

I want my Nickelback

An English cat named One-Two-Three and a French cat named Une-Deux-Trois were going for a walk one day when they came across a small river...

One-Two-Three and Un-Deux-Trois started to argue about who would be able to swim to the other side of the river faster, so they decided to have a race.

It was a very close race, but in the end One-Two-Three won because unfortunately Une-Deux-Trois quatre cinq.

I died and came back as a hillbilly.

That's called reintarnation.

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I finally came out of the closet today

It took me forever to find the doorknob

What did the necrophilliac have to do before he came upon a body in the woods?

Poke it with a stick, just to make sure.

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Here's a joke I came up with. Are you proud?

Person: what do you like to do in your free time?

Me: coldplay.

Person: oh, so you like to listen to coldplay.

Me[thinking about how I've masturbated twice in the fridge this week]: yeah...listen...

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A man came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man to the shed and put his penis in a vise. He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, removed the handle and picked up a hacksaw...

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"

The husband said "No, you are. I'm setting the shed on fire."

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One day a little girl was watching cartoon when a porno came through

The little girl asked her mom "What are they doing?" The girls mom said "baking a cake." Then the next day they were walking in the park and there were these people making out And the girl said "Look mommy they are baking a cake!" The next day the girl says "Mommy you and Daddy were baking a cake la...

Who came first? The chicken or the egg?

I did, but it was harder to screw the egg than the chicken.

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A guy with seizures came up to a girl and said

"Every other guy can be a dildo, but I can be your vibrator"

A Chinese drug dealer just came up to me and asked “Have you seen my cocaine?”

I replied “Not since he was in the Italian job.”

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