UPJOKE
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Into Jokes

There were two white christian men, Adam and Jack, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.


As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then Adam said ''Muslims are there....

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A panda walks into a bar and orders a sandwich

After he finishes eating, he pulls out a gun and shoots it in the air. The bartender is surprised and asks the panda why he did that. The panda pulls out a dictionary and points to the entry on "panda", which reads: "Panda: a large black and white bear-like mammal native to China. Eats shoots an...

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Guy walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on committing suicide.

She responds "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

Time traveller walks into a bar

Bartender says, “we don’t serve time travellers here.”

Time traveller responds, “since when?”

Me: the victim is 6’1”; his body has already turned into a ghost.

Police officer: Sir, that’s just a sheet we covered the body with.

A person walks into a library and asks if they have any books about paranoia...

The librarian replies, "They're right behind you."

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Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra.

The authorities put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.

Two guys walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Is this a joke?"

2 Guys walk into a bar

Which was pretty dumb seeing that the second guy saw the first guy get hurt

What did the Dutch horse say when he bumped into someone?

Paarden me

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire.

Aristotle, Plato and Socrates walk into a café during the decline of the greek empire. The barista asks each of them why they think the empire is falling.

Aristotle gives a powerful speech about how the empire has failed to live up to its telos and deconstructs the very nature of what an em...

My sister who works at an upholstery factory fell into one of the machines yesterday….

Don’t worry she’s recovered

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So this guy - who I don't know - walks into the bar I'm at, sits down next to me, and starts telling me a story about his latest conquest

This guy sits next to me and says - "Hey man - last night I hooked up with this totally hot F'n girl. I was talking to this F'n chick for about half an hour."

He continues - "I asked her from where she was from - and it was my F'n home town. She went to the same F'n high school as me. I neve...

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian “Excuse me, I’m looking for the French constitution”...

...The librarian replies, “I’m sorry, we don’t stock periodicals.”

"A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat."

"The librarian says, 'It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not!'"

Puppy

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter? "

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his s...

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A man goes to a brothel for his 18th birthday

His friends drive him up to a brothel and tell him that for his birthday he’s going to get his cherry popped by the best sex worker at the brothel. Before the birthday boy has his fun, one of his friends tells him to make sure to ask her to give him a “Penguin”. The birthday boy takes note of it. Th...

Thieves broke into my shop and stole 15 cases of Red Bull

I don't know how these people sleep at night

A cat walked into a bar....

A cat walked into a bar and asked the bartender, "I'll have two fingers of whiskey"

The bartender said “So, we now know the answer to the age old question of whether or not cats have hands”

The cat replied, “That question always gives me paws”

I think my ex girlfriend fell into poverty since we broke up.

Every time I call her, she says, “Please leave me a loan.”

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

A guy walks into a clock shop and aproaches the counter where a sales lady is standing.

He pulls down his zipper and places his pecker on the counter.

Sales Lady stunned: Excuse me sir, This is a CLOCK shop.

Customer: Yes I know, could you please put two hands and a face on this please?

Sir Lancelot's Loyal Horse

As King Arthur leaves Kamelot for some important king business, Queen Guinevere sends a note to noble knight Lancelot inviting him to visit her at her chambers. Upon receiving the note, Lancelot rejoices, kisses the paper and harries to his Loyal Horse.

'My friend and comrade' - says Lancelo...

Today SpaceX announced plans to launch several Guernsey cows into low earth orbit

They shall be known as "The Herd Shot Round The World."

First time

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she...

A man decides to put his life savings into opening an aquarium...

A young man took every penny he had and used it to open an aquarium. He worked tirelessly, growing it from a small roadside attraction into the greatest aquarium ever. Over a lifetime, he amassed the largest collection of sea life ever assembled. He and his team conducted scientific research and ran...

A tourist from France visits the US

He goes to his hotel's restaurant and orders a salad and a hot dog

The waiter first comes back with an enormous bowl. With a smile on his face, he tells the tourist "In America, everything is giant!"

The tourist manages to finish the salad. The waiter comes back again with the hot dog....

The magical pond

There is a magical pond where if you screamed your favorite thing, that thing would fill up the pond as you jumped in.

A group of 4 tourists visited the pond to test it out.

The German jumped in, shouting "Beer!", and the pond filled with beer.

The Frenchman jumped in, shouting ...

A friend of mine was telling me about the time his wife tried to leave him by writing a breakup letter after he came home late again.

She left a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me."

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, my buddy comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him wa...

Sisyphus walks into a bar…

And he asks the bartender for a whiskey.

The bartender asks, “On the rocks?”

Sisyphus just gives him a long, hard look and says, “Buddy, it’s been a long day, and I’m really not in the mood.”

Classic woman meets a man . . .

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom, w...

Smart Robot

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration, and m...

A doctor examines a patient who just came into the emergency room…

There’s nothing wrong with the man except for scribbles on his feet and a fever. The doctor prescribes paracetamol for the fever, but calls his professor about the rest. “I don’t know what to tell the man.” says the doctor. His professor asks, “Did you read the footnotes?”

Woke up this morning and folded my bed back into a couch.

Almost broke both my arms cause it’s not that kind of bed.

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A biologist, physicist, and a chemist all go to the beach for the first time.

The physicist, upon seeing the majestic waves, exclaims,
"Behold! I wonder how much force the waves of the ocean can produce?"

And so he dives into the water but is never seen again.


The biologist, upon seeing fish in the water, cries out,
"I wonder how many life forms live i...

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A man and his wife are having trouble with their sex life

So the man goes to the new sex toy shop, walks up to the counter and explains his situation.

The clerk says “I’ve got just the thing for you, it’s called magic penis” and retrieves it from the shelf behind him.

Man: how does it work?
Clerk: I’ll show you… “magic penis, counter!” ...

I once went on a school trip to a coffee factory.

We were having a guided tour around the production line but sadly one of my friends fell into the coffee grinder and died.

Luckily it was instant.

A man walked into a magic forest and tried to cut down a talking tree

“You can’t cut me down,” the tree complained. “I’m a talking tree!”

The man responded, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

My grandpa went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He came back immediately.

He forgot his teeth.

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A prostitute walks into a church...

She asks one of the nuns where the priest is, and is shown to a dark room. She sits in the darkness until she hears the familiar voice of the priest ask,

"What troubles you, my child?"

The prostitute replies, "Sorry, Daddy, but I've been a naughty girl."

The priest sighs and sa...

I'm slowly turning into a cat.

Don't ask meow?

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Mirror Mirror

A woman is thrift shopping for a full length mirror in various pawn shops. She comes across one she likes and asks the guy at the store about it.

'Well you have to be careful with this mirror' he says 'if you make a wish into a rhyme your wish will be granted'. She thinks it's bull and buys...

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Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub…

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’ti...

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A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the constructio...

What vehicle gets into most car accidents?

A Dodge Ram.

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A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar

A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar and slams his fist down on the bar loudly proclaiming, "I demand a free drink because I'm the toughest motherfucker in here!" The barman, not wanting any trouble, hands the piece of asphalt a beer.

About 20 minutes pass when another piece of asphalt w...

Jesus walks into an inn carrying three nails.

He says to the innkeeper "Can you put me up for the night?"

A man walks into a bar, and sees a tiny man playing a tiny piano on the bar...

The man walks up to the fellow next to the teeny piano player, and asks about him.

"What's the deal with the small piano guy?" To which he replies, "I have a magic genie, feel free to make a wish."

"Ok" he says and proceeds to wish for a million bucks.

BOOM the bar is filled w...

Man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt

“One for me, and one for the road…”

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Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red ...

Real conversation with my 6-year-old:

Him (looking at a bank building): Is this where they keep the money that you donate to them?

Me: Yes, but we don't _donate_ to the bank, we _deposit_ into the bank. 'Deposit' means that you're going to take it back later. 'Donate' means that you just give it away and don't expect to ever get ...

An old lady goes to the Airport with her dog in a pet carrier.

She says to the ticket agent, “I am going to Israel with my dog and I want to make sure nothing happens to him. He is very important to me. Please take good care of him and I will reward you with $10,000”. The ticket agent says no problem and takes the pet carrier. She goes to the baggage handlers a...

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An elderly Jew bolts into a church confessional

St Patrick’s Cathedral. He pulls the curtain and says , “Father. My name is Saul Hershkowitz. I’m 73 years old and I’ve been with a 22 year old girl. The priest says “Saul, wait a minute. You’re Jewish. Why are you telling me this? And the man says “Hey Father, I’m telling everybody”

I’m writing a fantasy novel about two knights who fall into the rogue and Paladin archetypes. I’m calling it…

Silent Knight, Holy Knight

Yo mamma’s so fat that during full moon she turns into a ware…

house!

The story of the soybeans

A woman was cleaning out the dresser in her bedroom. When she moved aside some of her husbands' clothing she spotted a small box containing three soybeans and an envelope with fifty dollars in cash.

When her husband walked into the bedroom she asked "What is this box for?"

The husban...

Father Instructs

He sat down very seriously in front of his son, which the son realized meant one of those boring lectures was imminent.

Father produced a brandy snifter, into which he dropped an earthworm. He then took up a bottle of tequila and filled the glass with it.

The worm quickly dissolved. ...

A man walks into a psychic’s booth…

“Can I help you?” the psychic asks. To which the man replies,

“I guess not.”

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A young man called Peter wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Christmas present.

As they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchase...

A dyslexic cat broke into a hen house

It was an absolute fluster cluck

Jesus is watching

A burglar sneaks into someone's home, and while stealing he suddenly hears a voice in the dark.

"Jesus is watching."

Not knowing where it's from, he continues stealing until once again he hears "Jesus is watching". He then notices a bird cage with a parrot inside, with a name plate tha...

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So a frog walks into a bank.

So a frog walks into a bank and he goes to the front desk. He looks at the person at the front desk’s name tag, its says “Mrs. Patty Whack”

“Can I help you” she says.

“Yes I would like a loan” said the frog.

“A loan? What does a frog need a loan for “

“I would like to...

Logic hurts.....

\*Wife:\* I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.
\*Husband:\* Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.
\*Wife:\* But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
\*Husband:\* Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starvi...

Robert Degen, who held the US copyright for the Hokey Pokey, died at the age of 104.

His open-casket funeral allegedly took over eight hours, over seven of which consisted of the surviving relatives of his putting his right hand into the coffin, putting his right hand out, ...

A blonde walks into a blind date

“Nice to meet you” she says to her date as they seat themselves in the booth

“So tell me about yourself. What do you do for work?” She asks the man

“Oh I’m an optometrist” he replies

The blonde flashes a big smile and says “I think this is going to work out after all, I’m a gl...

It took a long time to teach my nephew that violence is never ever the answer.

I think I finally beat it into him.

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As I walked into the park at 7am, I saw a man had been trapped under a fallen tree

He saw me and shouted “Get Help!”.

I replied “Fuck Off!” and took a swig from my bottle of vodka. “I can quit anytime I want!”.

Why is the pen mightier than the sword?

the pen can turn sword into words

A routine police patrol was parked outside a bar.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, t...

In Hogwarts Legacy what do you call your character sorted into Ravenclaw while omitting the use of fast travel systems?

Stairy Potter

Painter

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is
going to paint a couple of rooms in th...

A man runs home from work

The second he gets home he finds his wife of 20 years, takes her into the bedroom and throws her on the bed, and pulled some blankets over them.

The wife was shocked, the man hadn't been this way since they were young!

Then the man turns to her and says: "look! My new watch glows in th...

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.


Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

Problem

A blonde calls her friend and says: "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her friend asks: "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says: "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."...

I went into the bookstore and asked the clerk, can you tell me where the self-help section is?

And she said, why don’t you try to find that yourself?

Silicon Valley Bank collapsed today so big tech lost a lot of money

That’s what you get for putting cash into a bank named after a tv comedy

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome.

One has a cross in front of him; the other one the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none gi...

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A neo-nazi walks into a bar…

How someone can hit their head multiple times on a metal bar while lying on the ground is a mystery, but that’s what the eyewitnesses are saying.

How do you get a snake into Hogwarts?

You tell it to slither in

Pirates!

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the sea, this captain and his crew were always in danger of being boarded by pirates from a pirate ship.

One day while they were sailing, they saw that a pirate ship had sent a boarding party. The first mate went running into the Captain's quarters and said,...

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If you're into getting pissed on....

Urine luck!

A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...

They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car.

The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren...

A tourist returning from an extended trip was about to cross the last river on the way to the railroad station for home

"Say, cap'n," he said, as he stepped timidly into the rickety old craft, "this boat seems very shaky; was anybody ever lost in her?"

"Not to my knowledge," replied the boatman. "There was three men drowned from her last Thursday, but we found them all the next day."

The local parish priest was overdue for his vacation.

The diocese sent a young, zealous priest to replace him. The local priest had become so tired of hearing women confess to infidelity, that he established a code for them: just say you fell in the hole, and I'll know what you mean. As the priest was eager to begin his sabbatical, he neglected to men...

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Two DEA officers were called into their superiors office after an operation didn’t quite go to plan.

Superior: “Gentlemen, do you want to debrief me on this latest raid?”

Officer Jones: “well, sir, as I recall it, first of all I used the battering ram to flatten the door. Then, within a few seconds of getting inside, I found at least 25 ounces of coke and weed all over the coffee table” ...

Chicken at the library

A chicken walks into a library and up to the front desk. "Buk" says the chicken. So the librarian gives her a book. The chicken leaves with the book and comes back 5 minutes later. "Buk" she says. So the librarian gives her another book. This happens 8 more times, until finally the librarian goes on...

A guy walks into a bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-please.”

The bartender tells him, “I used to have a stutter too. Then one day, my wife gave me head, and from that point on I was cured!” The guy gets really excited and runs out the door without ever getting his beer.

The next day, the guy walks back into the bar and says, “O-o-one b-b-beer, p-plea...

Photo

George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.

"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news fi...

A pirate walks into a bar with an enormous ship's wheel attached to his groin.

He orders a grog, and as the bartender pours it he says, "Cap'n - forgive me - but what's with the wheel?"
The pirate replies, "Arrrrr - it's drivin' me nuts!"

Mikey loves tractors

It's coming up to little Mikey's 5th birthday and his dad asks him what he'd like as a present. "TRACTOR" says Mikey. Makes sense, thinks his dad, kids love tractors. So he buys him a little toy tractor and Mikey is over the moon, takes the little tractor with him everywhere.

Coming up to Mik...

A catholic, a Jew, and a Hindu walk into Abar.

He says “ Hello! It is me, Abar the Muslim. It’s always good to see my multicultural friends!”

A guy goes to jail. First night after lights out he hears someone yell out, "49!", then the entire cell block bursts out laughing.

A few moments later, someone else yells out, "88!", and everyone laughs again.

The new inmate turns to his cellmate and asks, "What's with the numbers? Why is everyone laughing?"

His inmate replies, "Well, we've all been here so long we've heard every joke. Instead of telling the entir...

Blonde

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but e...

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This Christian couple checks into a hotel and request that all the in-room porn be disabled.

The clerk says, “I’m sorry, we only have regular porn”.

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Guy goes into a pet shop….

A man goes into a pet shop and asks the owner “what’s the most bizarre pet you’ve got in here?” And he replies “I’ve got a talking budgie!” So he bring it out and sure enough he jumps up on his perch and shouts “I’m a Glesga budgie and I’m as hard as fuck” he thinks this is brilliant, buys the budgi...

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A guy walks into a bar with a toad on his head.

"Oh my God, how the hell did that happen?" asks the bartender.

"I don't know, it started as a boil on my arse" replies the toad.

A man from Pennsylvania walks into a bar in Tennessee...

A man from Pennsylvania walks into a bar in Tennessee, and he sits down to order a couple beers.

The bartender notices something *off* about him, and he goes to the man after he's done with his first two beers and asks, "You're not from around here, ain't cha?".

The man goes "Nah, I...

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focus

Two poor country girls are broke and decide to do some nude modeling. Cherylynn has posed for the photographer before so she knows the process.

The photog invites them into his studio and offers them a drink. Darlene,being nervous, asks Cherylynn "whass that there in that jug?". The reply is ...

A boy from the backcountry was drafted into the Army.

On the first day, they issued him a comb. Later that day, the barber shaved his head.

The next day, they issued him a toothbrush. Later that day, the dentist pulled three of his teeth.

The next day, they issued him a jockstrap.

He has been AWOL ever since.

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed....

....that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I...

A man walks a boy into the woods. The boy say he mister it’s getting really dark and im scared

The man replied how do you think I feel I need to walk back alone

Parking

A lady walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the lady hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. Th...

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Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

“Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United!” exclaimed the b...

There's an English man, an Irish man and a Scots man...

They're all stranded on this Desert Island. The cannibals come and say "right you're coming back with us and we are going to skin you and turn you into canoes"

So... they arrive at their camp and the cannibals say "before you're killed you each get one last request"

The scots man is fi...

Q. How do you turn water into Holy Water?

A. Boil the Hell out of it.

One for the bassists of Reddit

A team of scientists were exploring a newly discovered island with a handful of different tribes that had been living there for centuries, and were being led by a guide of one of the peaceful tribes.

As the trek went on, the jungle continued to get thicker. As they got deeper into the jungle...

I used to have a Ford Focus.

Then after I left a bunch of Tequila in the glove compartment it turned into a Ford Fiesta.

A man and his suicidal horse walk into a bar

The man says to the bartender, "Bartender! Get me the best wings you have and make it quick as I am quite hungry right now."

With his eyes lit up, the horse turns to his owner and asks, "How hungry?"

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Little Johnny and his Ranch

Little Johnny was a rancher. He owned cattle, horses, and things all of the sort. One day, a black SUV had pulled up. An FBI agent got out of the car.

"Are you little Johnny?"

"Yessir."

"I'm here to investigate a murder. Someone was killed down the road, you mind if I take a pee...

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

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Can I have a beer?

A young boy sat next to his grandfather on the front step and asked if he could have a sip of his beer. The grandpa asked him “can the head of your dick touch your asshole?” The boy replied “No”. The grandpa said “well then you’re not old enough”. This went on for several years always with the same ...

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An attractive lady is at her doctor's

She's lying on her back on the examination couch, her blouse undone and looks up into his eyes and says, "Kiss me doctor,"
"No I can't, " replied the doctor.
"Oh go on, kiss me, kiss me," she insists,
"No it's out of the question," said the doctor,
"Why's that?" She asks disappointedly.<...

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A wife takes her husband to a strip club for their 20th anniversary

At the entrance, the guard says to the husband, "Hey Simon, how's it going?"
The woman asks her husband how he knows you, the husband answers from the gym.
They enter and sit at the bar, and the bartender asks, "Hey Simon, the usual?".
The husband turns to his wife tensely saying, we pla...

Blood

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir." the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am st...

A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says five beers bartender.

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A man dies in a car accident

A man named Burt is killed in a car accident, and his face
is mangled beyond recognition.

Because he has no family, his two drinking buddies are
summoned to the hospital to identify his body.

The nurse removes the sheet from his body, and upon
seeing his disfigured face, the t...

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pharmacy question...

Went into the pharmacy today and sheepishly asked the attractive lady behind the counter if they do Viagra.
"We do" she replied.
I questioned "Can I get it over the counter?"
She said "Depends how many you take".

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picked up the phone and started to pretend big deal was in the works. He threw a huge figures around and ...

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Why did the gastroenterologist delete his browser history?

He was into weird shit.

There was a circle/sphere turning into a square....

It was going through Cuberty.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane...

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the door you’re never going to get in there!”

An engineer dies and goes up to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, St Peter says to the engineer "Sorry pal, you're not on the list. You can't get into heaven." The engineer says "Wait a minute, I always donated to charity, my wife and I raised two orphans we adopted, I attended church regularly, what do you mean I'm not on the list to get into...

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A man went into a tobacco store

to buy a large cigar. After buying it, he immediately started smoking it inside the store, which annoyed the store owner.

-Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step outside if you're going to smoke that.

-Isn't this a tobacco store that sells cigars?

-Yes, but...

-Then I ...

In the 90s it was easy to go into an upscale restaurant with your clone. That was a long time ago.

I must be dating myself

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A man had just recently gotten into woodworking. He had made a nice table, some chairs, and a few other things around the house

One day, his wife came up to him and asked if he could try to make her a dildo.

He found the request to be a bit odd, but being the great husband he is, he agreed.

He spent a long time sanding and coating it, because, well… splinters.

After several days of tedious work on this...

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It was early morning and whilst walking through the cemetery ….

I passed by an elderly gentleman crouched beside a grave. “Morning” I said, “No, just having a shit” he replied

(Sorry if this is a repost, the joke just popped into my head)

When do you know if you have perfect pitch?

When you pitch an accordion into a dumpster and it perfectly smashes a banjo.

A guy gets into work late one day, clearly upset.

His co-worker asks him “Hey Jim, what happened, man? Why are you late?”

“I got a flat on the way in. Cost me at least an hour dealing with it,” Jim grumbles.

“How’d you get a flat?”

“Eh, I ran over a bottle in the middle of a crosswalk.”

“In the middle of a crosswalk? Di...

I popped into Waterstones yesterday and asked for a book on Turtles.

'Hardback?'

'Yes, with little legs and a head'.

Slow reader

A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.

Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and te...

Why is your pig missing a leg?

Why is your pig missing a leg?

-Well, one day I was working at the barn when i accidentally dropped my gas lamp and everything caught on fire, the whole barn was surrounded by the flames and there was no way out. I was pretty sure I was going to die, but suddenly, my pig came running through ...

A woman accidentally crashed her car into a van because she was using a vibrator while driving. The hospital said she is in “stable and extremely relaxed” condition.

The driver of the van said he never saw her coming.

Blind

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and ...

I saw my dog carrying a dead rabbit in its mouth.

I recognized that the rabbit came from my neighbor. I didn't want the neighbor to get mad at me because my dog killed their rabbit so I took the rabbit from the dog and snuck it back into it's cage so it would look like it just died there.

Later I heard my neighbor screaming so I asked what's...

A man walks into a cosmetic store and asks..

Man: How much for that funny spray that makes people smell better?

Worker: Perfume?

Man: No, per bottle would be nice

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An Elderly Woman Gets Pulled Over For Speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

O...

An old Music Joke

So a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
...

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A gorilla walks into a bar

He sits down on a bar stool and orders himself a gin-tonic. The bartender looks on in total surprise and gives him a gin-tonic. The gorilla drinks his glass completely empty and asks how much to pay. The bartender, still amazed, curious about what will happen next asks him for $20. The gorilla grope...

A man walks into a bar and asks for the bill

The bartender looks confused and tells the man he didn't order anything.

The man says I know, but I own the zoo down the street. I heard about the time a grizzly bear, elephant, monkey, tiger, alligator,... walked into a bar. I'm here to pay for the damages.

Free

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he see...

A man walks into a bakery, points to some bread and asks...

Man: 'Is this Gluten free?'

Cashier: No.

It costs $4.50

the new maid

A man hires a new maid and calls home to speak to his wife. The maid picks up.

"Is this the maid"

"Yes"

"Well may I speak to my wife?"

"Well....she's in bed with a man"

The husband is furious and tells the maid "I want you to go into my desk, get my gun, and shoot ...

A Duck Walks Into A Drugstore...

and says, "I'd like some Chapstick". The pharmacist says, "That'll be $3.99". The duck responds, "Put it on my bill".

My friend offered to show me a magic trick.

"Sure," I said.

My friend pulled out a deck of cards, shuffled it thoroughly, then gave it to me.

"Pick a card, any card. Look at it, then put it back," he said.

I was suspicious, so I asked him if I could shuffle the deck, too. He agreed, so I shuffled it five times, cut the de...

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Snow.

Snow is like a penis.

It's measured in inches and soft to the touch.

It cums when you least expect it and it never gets as deep as you'd like it.

Driving in the snow is like eating pussy, if you don't slow down and pay attention you could slide into the asshole in front of you.....

Ghost taxi

A modern day ghost story

Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very DARK NIGHT and in the midst of a FIERCE rain storm.

The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.

Suddenly through the swirling...

A termite walks into a bar and yells....

“Hey! Is the bar tender here?”

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Life in a nursing home

An old man was put into a nursing home by his son. He is unsure if he will adjust to the new living situation.

On his first morning in the home, the old man awoke with an erection. A beautiful blonde nurse had entered his room to check on him and upon seeing it, bent down and blew him without...

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

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Adam and Eve...

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflecti...

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3 men are granted 3 wishes

3 men stumble upon a lamp and they rub it, and out comes a genie. The genie says

"I will grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man thinks long and hard, and then says

"I want to have a million dollars"

The genie snaps his fingers and poof, the man now has a million dol...

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January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies.

January, 1774. Revolution stirs in the English colonies. Just last month a rebel group called the Sons of Liberty caused a ruckus in Boston about tea being taxed too high. Tax collectors tarred and feathered. High anti royalist sentiment. William Cotillion, King George's personal advisor to the colo...

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Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill are two employees of a bottled water company. Business hasn't been too good lately, so the boss decides he needs to fire one of them.

The first day, he keeps an eye on Jack.

Jack comes in early, goes straight to his desk and gets to work. He works solidly all through the ...

When I make a pizza for a bar customer I always ask them if I should cut it into six pieces or eight

Because some people aren't hungry enough to eat eight pieces. That joke isn't very funny. I guess pizza jokes are all about the delivery.

A friend of mine have been in a wheelchair all his life

Having tried everything available to try and walk he trying to me for help. As a man of religion, the only thing I could consider what’s the take him to Lourdes in France, and try the healing water is there.

As we looked on m, a blind man went into the waters and was dipped, when he came out,...

A robber that really had to pee walked into a grocery store

A robber that really had to pee walked into a grocery store to steal some wares.

The cashier says “please, take anything!”

The robber said “I’m just gonna take a leek”

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A mom walks into her son's room one morning...

Mom: "Wake up, or you'll be late for school."

Son: "I don't want to go to school today!"

M: "Why not?"

S: "Because all the kids hate me!"

M: "But you have to go."

S: "But all the teachers hate me too!!!"

M: "Oh, for crying out loud. Get up! You're 45 year...

Man goes to a pet store to get his wife an anniversary present.

He walks into the store, owner greets him and asks how he can help him. He glances at the pets I the store and sees birds, guinea pigs, fish and stuff.

Husband: "Today is our anniversary and I'm looking for something real special for my wife."

Owner: "Boy do I have something special fo...

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