Me: "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job"

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey.

What is the most expensive video streaming service right now?

College.

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

"Between you and me, something smells."

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens. It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they can't afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he will go in the gorilla cage and pretend to be the gorilla until the zoo can a...

My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.

Some might say america is a dumpster fire right now

But that's not true because a dumpster fire can actually give a homeless person a source of heat

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What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there are not enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the n...

As the burglar entered our darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes and then…

…let my cat do the rest.

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What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip ?

We used to be tight before we let some dick get between us.

"Yoda, are you sure we're headed in the right direction?"

Aaaaaaa.....

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

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I was installing a light in the attic today, when I slipped off a joist and put my foot right through the bedroom ceiling. It scared the shit out of my girlfriend.

I'm not surprised though, she kicked me out last August.

How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they'll all resist change even if it makes the world a brighter place.

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[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

Waiting for election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project.

I know I did my part right, but I am worried the rest of you screwed it up.

What do you call it when you are clearly in the right, but have to admit you were wrong?

A man in a relationship.

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me

. On a related note...…………………. I suck at darts.

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What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek?

If we stick together we can stop this shit!

I had a random thought right now: cheese really isn't that great.

It's just a curd to me.

A man in a taxi is shocked with the cabbie runs right through a red light...

He shouts "Hey, are you crazy? You just ran that light!"

The cabbie says, "Don't worry. My brother is a cabbie too and he does it all the time."

A few seconds later he runs another red light. The passenger is still nervous but decides that the cabbie knows what he is doing.

The...

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Why did right cheat on down

Because he fucked up

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“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”

“OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
...

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A guy goes into the US Postal Services to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."


"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward empl...

All jokes can be funny if they have the right delivery..

Accept abortion jokes, there is no delivery

I once rode my car right into a group of people after shouting “I’m literally about to drive right into you guys!”

I guess they caught my drift.

Two wrongs don't make a right

But two Wrights make an airplane

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According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person’s aura changes changes right before they die.

Cyan-aura.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

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Our doctor told us we could have sex right up until the time of the baby’s birth.

So I don’t know why they got so upset with me in the delivery room.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class.

The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Princip...

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.


After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.


In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, '...

Guess what I have right now?

Your attention.

At the right place at the right time!

An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.

What does dark humor and human rights have in common?

Only some people get them.

What’s the difference between a left and right snicker?

The left ones don’t taste right

Doctor my bottom hurts.

Doc: "Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?"

P: "Right around the entrance."

Doc: "As long as you call it entrance it will hurt."

What is it called when the plate stole the cups date right in front of them?

A BOWLD MOVE!


it’s 6AM here and I rushed on here to type it before I forgot...so enjoy

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

I was right there when God got tired of drinking Michelob...

He said:

> Now, let there be Lite.

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A couple is golfing on a golf course when their ball flies out of the course and smashes right through the window of an old mansion.

Shocked, the couple hastes to the old mansion and knock on the door.

A mysterious voice from within the mansion calls the couple to enter.

The couple enters the mansion and in the hallway they see an old man standing next to the broken window and a broken chinese vase with their golfba...

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He was right

I was walking down the street and a man offered to read me my fortune for $5. I agreed out of curiosity. He takes hold of my hand and then said “you’re gonna be pissed” and took off running.

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Adulthood gives you 4 rights that you don't enjoy as a minor.

The powers are:

1. The right to drink
2. The right to drive
3. The right to vote
4. The right to fuck

But the catch is that you can only legally exercise one right at a time.

Drinking while driving, illegal.
Voting while fucking, DEFINITELY illegal.

Let's try ...

My watch can predict the future! — That's impossible! Can you prove it? — Sure! — glances at the watch — Right now it's saying you have no panties. — You see? That is wrong, I have panties on right now.

— Oh, I'm sorry, its 10 minutes fast...

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Two young boys walked into a drug store, picked out a box of tampons, and proceeded to the checkout counter

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight" the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him... He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use the...

Apparently there’s a battle for the rights to Star Wars aftershave.

It’s “The Cologne Wars.”

To those that need to hear it right now...

… Early November is finally here. I have seen a lot of hate spewed in recent days about a man who is a constant winner and overachiever, and that's what the people who support him like about him. Yes, he's been caught in some lies and maybe twisted the truth a little but he's still out there proving...

It really probably isn't safe for me to be driving my car right now...

But hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.

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I was having sex the other day, when all of a sudden my wife punched me right in the face.

Imagine my surprise, I didn’t even hear her come home!

What did the flea on the right leg of Robinson Crusoe said to the flea on the left leg of Crusoe?

'Bye for now, see you on Friday.'

So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?

But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”

What’s the difference between a left-wing extremist, and a right-wing extremist?

One wants to get rid of your opinion because it infringes on their rights, the other wants to get rid of your rights because it infringes on their opinion.

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointi...

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it.

He said, “Probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

Husband...Before I die I need to confess something. Wife..Sssshhh now there's nothing to confess everything is all right.

Husband.. No I must die in peace. I slept with your sister your best friend and two of your co-workers.

Wife..I know. That's why I poisoned you. Rest now.

I always see people saying we need to exercise our rights...

But how come I never hear anyone talking about our lefts?

It's pretty sad that even though women have had the right to vote for 100 years now...

we still spend more time talking about mail ballots.

My life right now is like a Tarot deck

21 and a Fool

Hey Aaron from Europe right?

Doesn’t that make you Europaaron?

(I know it’s stupid)

Every city I see is protesting for change right now.

I knew America was in a coin shortage, but I never imagined it would get this bad.

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Larry and Linda

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says “Where in the hell have you been?” He replies, “I was out getting a tattoo. ”A tattoo?” She said angrily. “”What kind of tattoo did you get?” “I got a hundred dollar bill on my dick” “What the hell were you thinking?” She said, shaking her hea...

A horse is sitting at home, bored, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the ...

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

I feel so bad for the deaf people who need to read lips to communicate, because of all of the face masks right now.

Let's give them all a moment of silence.

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

Right before me and my ex-girlfriend broke up, I asked her “Which came first: the chicken or the egg?”

She said “You.”

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great,

but on the other, it's just not right.

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A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches...

A guy is constantly suffering from terrible headaches. He goes to a bunch of doctors, runs any test imaginable, and no one can figure out why. One day a doctor tells him- “I think we figured out a solution, but you’re not going to like it. If we cut off your balls, the constant headache will stop”. ...

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My wife always takes a run right after we have sex

Some people... You give them an inch and they take a mile

I am feeling pretty good right now, that debate was a huge help.

I need to stop playing all these damn "When Trump Interrupts" Drinking Games.

A new twist on an old joke.

Scientists recently did a study on the effects the right side and left side of a brain had on counting.
They first took out the left half of a man's brain and asked him to count to 10.

He says, ‟2, 4, 6, 8, 10”.

They put the left half back in and removed the right half, asking him...

My mother has been teaching me how to make my favourite meals, but there's one that I just can't seem to get right.

I'm great at lasagne, fantastic with casseroles but as soon as I get my hands on minced beef and beans..

It's chilli-con-carnage.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out....

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Do what feels right and makes you happy,

is a very wrong thing to say to a depressed Nazi.

A man ask a pretty women: ”if there is a scale of a person’s looking, on the left is ugly, and on the right is pretty, so what do you think of me?”

”I think you are in the middle,” says the women.

”So my looking is just okay,” says the man, a bit disappointed.

”No, you are pretty ugly, ” says the women.

My long distance girlfriend called me saying she finally wants to meet me in person. I left her this message right before my phone died: “This is very important: I am not a man that normally makes huge commitments, but I think the time is right for us to see each other.”

Unfortunately, my phone died right after “man.”

Where is the hottest place to be right now?

The cemetery, people are dying to get in.

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An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

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A young man is buying condoms at a confidence store but doesn’t know how to put them in right.

He goes to the person behind the desk to ask for help when he notices that she is a beautiful blond young woman.
He asks her how to put them on so she takes them out of the box and puts one over her thumb.
“Do you get it?” she asks him, but he doesn’t understand.
So she takes him into a b...

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO! I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started looking at the guy; he was pretty embarrassed. After a while the girl walked quietly over to the

guy's table and said: "I study psychology, I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?" The guy then responded with a loud voice: "$1000 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!" All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered "I guess you felt bad for wha...

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I had a lorry driver right up my arse the entire drive home

Was nice of him to give me a lift though

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Two tampons are walking on the pavement, which one talks first? The right one? Or the left one?

Neither, they're both stuck up cunts

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Sex pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So that night, she does just that.

About a week later, she’s back at the doc...

A doctor has an appointment

A doctor has an appointment with 3 of his crazy patient to see if they are doing any better.

He asks the first one: "3 times 4 ?"

"1484"

Wrong. Disappointed, he asks the second one the same thing: "3 times 4 ?"

"Wednesday"

Wrong again, he asks the same thing to the...

If you didn't get fat in college you weren't doing it right

They tell you right from day 1 that your goal is to become well rounded

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A man walks into a bar he's never visited before, and settles down to order a drink.

Before long, he notices someone sitting in the corner - a man who appears normal in every regard except that his head is a gigantic orange. Curious, the newcomer asks the bartender "What's up with the guy in the corner? The one with the-" but the bartender interrupts and says "Honestly, your best be...

Is this the right place for politically incorrect jokes?

I have this great one about President Benjamin Franklin.

Just as mom walks though the door, little Johnny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...'" The mother interrupts him.

''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!'' When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''
The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''
The mother turns to Johnny and says, ''Tell daddy exactly what you told me...

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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What did the left ball say to the right ball?

Don't worry about the asshole behind us, we work for the prick in front!

What do you call Caitlyn Jenner when her kids can see right through her?

Transparent.

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Genie: I will grant you two wishes.

Guy: two? It’s always three, right?

Genie: look at your crotch.

Guy: Damn, that’s a huge dick that I have now.

Genie: I’ve been doing this for centuries. I know my business.

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"

"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard ...

Interviewer: What is your stance on women's rights and issues

Trump: Look, I know a lot of women, and they all have issues, next question..

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she whispered. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.

If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.

A blonde was watching the news when she suddenly hears “American rights are being violated”

She sighs and thinks to herself “thank god I’m a leftie!”

I wish my college professors graded papers like Trump 'wins' elections

\*Professor grading my test\*

Well he got the first couple questions right looks like I can stop grading the rest.

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An old man was contacted by the IRS for some suspicious income... [Quick repost due to spelling error in original]

The old man arrives to his appointment with the IRS representative with his lawyer.

The rep asks how he accumulated so much money without working a job or owning investments.

The old man responds: "I make all my money placing bets"

Rep: "What kind of bets do you make?"

Ol...

I thought getting a double limb amputation would be all right

But now I have nothing left.
Sleep deprived me has a very low bar for comedy.

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You're god damn right I'm xenophobic!

They're always causing problems, they kill people indiscriminately and I don't know what's worse, the acid blood or their little mouth in a mouth thing. Xenomorphs can just dick right off, and I'd bet they don't pay their taxes.


Sorry this joke has been in my head for like 3 days.

Three guys are drinking at a bar.

After several drinks, the first one gets up to leave. "Where do you think you're going?" ask the others. He says, "Guys I'd love to stay but I have to cut myself off. The last time we got together, I was so drunk. When I got home, I blew chunks right on the living room floor in front of my wife and ...

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, “That’s not right.”


With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.


“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”

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This is a joke my dad told me. He said he originally heard it from his father, who heard it from his father before him.

A man goes to the doctor and says

‟Doc, I think I have a tapeworm”

The doctor looks at him and says

‟Well, we are all out of medicine for that, but there might be something else I can do for you.Come home, then come back tomorrow with an orange, a Twinkie, and a baseball bat”...

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A woman always has a visit from her lover while her husband is at work.

One day the nine-year-old son hides in the closet to watch what the two are doing ... Suddenly the husband comes home and the wife hides her lover in the closet.

The son whispers: "Dark in here ..."

The man: "Oh... it's you! Ehm... yes, you are right. It is dark in here."

The s...

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is extremely pregnant.

A couple go to the hospital because the wife is heavily pregnant. The consultant tells them , “ We have this revolutionary new treatment, we give this special injection to the mother and all the birth pain transfers from the mother to the father.Would you like to try it?”

They discuss it and ...

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life.

End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry," says the inte...

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

A penguin is on a long-deserved vacation from the zoo.

He decides to take a road trip out west, where his car breaks down. Luckily, it's right in front of a mechanic in town.

He drops the car off and tells the mechanic he's going to get some lunch. Its a really hot day, so after eating he stops by the ice cream shop for a little treat.

...

A man and his dog were walking along a road

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them..

After a while, they came to...

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I heard this one a few years ago and just remembered it after some time. I don't know if it's already been posted here or not, and if it has, I am sorry! I've also made some edits to it because, well, I don't have the original at my fingertips right now.

When I was in high school - in 10th or 11th grade I think - our class got two new students about midway through the school year. They were twins - a brother and sister - and they were from China. They'd moved to the U.S. only recently, yet they still had a pretty good education in English and I assu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW. A man went to the ice cream shop and ordered a chocolate cone...

“I’m sorry, Sir, we’re out of chocolate.”

“Oh, that’s too bad. I’ll have a chocolate cone with sprinkles then.”

“I’m sorry, Sir, but like I told you, we’re out of chocolate.”

“How about a chocolate/vanilla twist, then?”

“Let me ask you something. How do you spell the ‘va...

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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker...

He’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”

She says, “A h...

If a man has 1,000 bees, then you should marry him right away.

Trust me, he's a keeper.

What do you call a C₆H₁₂O₆ molecule that can use its right and left hands equally well?

Ambidextrose

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A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being.After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie.He asks ‟How can I ever repay you?”

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before; a...

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A man was walking with his camel in the desert and he was so horny

so he decided to fuck the camel so he tried to put his dick in the camel but the camel moved it’s ass left and right so he couldn’t , so he decided to keep going with the camel in the desert until he heard a scream for help he went there and found a very hot woman sinking in quick sand so he saved h...

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I had such a horrible day at work. Some dick head spilled milk on me. Rude right?

How dairy.

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

It's amazing to me how much demand there is right now for custodial services!

Business is brooming!

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Passwords

‟Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one.”

roses

‟Sorry, too few characters.”

pretty roses

‟Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character.”

1 pretty rose

‟Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces.” ...

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A businessman is getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knows his wife is always horny, so he decides to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn’t much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He ...

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

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I smoked my first pork shoulder this weekend. I hope I'm saying that right.

"I finally popped my butt cherry" means something else, apparently.

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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again "W...

Dr. Frankenstein finally became popular enough in his own right to gain unlimited access to cemeteries and morgues for his creations.

I guess to the Victor goes the spoils.

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