UPJOKE
properaccurategoodconservativeethicaljustcorrectrightnessrectifyturnprivilegepositionreactionaryarightcorrectly

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A rural farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing do...

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A gas station owner in Arkansas was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read: *** "FREE SEX w/fill-up ... just guess the right number between 1 & 10.” ***

Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and asked for his FREE SEX.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his FREE SEX.
The redneck guessed ‘8’. The proprietor said, "You were close. The number was ‘7’. Sorry, but no FREE SEX thi...

Me: "Squirting isn't real, right? It's just urine, right?"

Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job"

Jewish mothers, right?

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your fa...

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

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I'm in a really bad place right now.

Not mentally, I've just found myself in fucking Utah.

What does Chris Rock have on his face right now?

Fresh prints!

"Yoda, are you sure we are heading in the right direction?"

Yoda replies: "off course we are"

I swiped right on a girl without a picture, and we matched.

# So after a brief chat i went to go pick her up. I wasn't expecting much, probably 300 lbs with bad skin, but hey, I was so desperate it was this or join an incel chatroom.

I walked up to the door and lo and behold, 5'2", baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde hair, all the right curves in all th...

My neighbor. She’s single. She’s shapely & beautiful and she lives right across the street...

I watched her as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, ”I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have fun tonight...

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

Fire is destroying a world famous landmark in Paris right now.

And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.

What gets burning hot right before it freezes?

A laptop.

What does Jeff Bezos do right before bed time?

He puts his pjamazon.

Doctor, my bottom hurts right around the entrance.

Doctor: That’s the exit, as long as you call it the entrance it will hurt.

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me

On a related note, I suck at darts

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woma...

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady : "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed : "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!...

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey.

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right....

Alcohol IS a solution.

What is the most expensive video streaming service right now?

College.

A man takes a stool at the bar and orders a drink. Then he asks the man to the right of him…

“How tall is a Penguin, this tall?”

“No, they’re much shorter than that”, he answers.

He looks to the man at his left- “How tall is a penguin, this tall?”

“Nowhere near that tall!”, says the other man.

The man puts his head in his hands.

The bartender, witnessing ...

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A gorilla dies of old age at a zoo right before the zoo opens

It is the only gorilla at the zoo since they are not very profitable.

However, the gorilla is their most popular attraction by far, and they cannot afford to go a day without it. So the zoo owner asks one of his workers to wear a gorilla suit they have in storage for an extra $100 a day if he...

If I had a penny for every Trump joke being made right now

I would have a small loan of a million dollars

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According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura takes a particular colour right before they die.

Cyan Aura.

I heard a bunch of Chinese people chanting "We want rights! We want rights!"

They must be scared of the dark or something.

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Imagine if your roommate made you watch a movie and left 10 mins into it. Dick move, right?

My point is old people shouldn't get to vote

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The Mafia leader asks his right-hand man if he would do anything he says .

The guy says he’ll give his life for his Capo. Ok then , "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out."

Then he hands him a plastic cup.

Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out.

The Mafia leader s...

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My wife always takes a run right after we have sex

Some people... You give them an inch and they take a mile

So this guy lost his right foot in an accident

Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he's wearing a prosthetic foot.

Some years later he met a girl, but didn't tell her about his 'disability'. They got married and on wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride.

Horrified, she straight cal...

Is this the right sub? Need help repairing my fence.

It seems everyone knows how to repost here.

My girlfriend says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right.

So I packed her bags and left.

BR EAK ING NE WS...Just been arguing with my wife and she just told me, "I was right."

Please HELP me....What do I do next?

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What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek?

If we stick together we can stop all this shit!

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What did the left leg say to the right leg ?

Don’t talk to the leg in the middle because he’s a dick.

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma

Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.

I’m sitting here thinking about leaving my husband. He hasn’t been intimate with me since our son died. I would leave right now,

But the ambulance is still in the drive way blocking my car.

Guys, I'm just in the middle of a huge argument with my wife and she just told me I'm right....

What do I do next?

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
...

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business. His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!" "I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"

The kid ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"

The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."

"...

RIP Bob Barker, host of The Price is Right, dead at 99

You gotta give him credit, going right up to the edge of 100, without going over.

With the right delivery, any joke can be funny. Except abortion jokes.

Because there is no delivery.

A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”. “No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.

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I get free food, a bunk bed, I get a lot of exercise and sex everyday. What's not to like, right? Well....

I can't wait to get out of prison.

A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs right into two priests.

He says "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says "no son you're not." The drunk turns to the other priest, "I'm jesus Christ" to which the second priest replies "no son you're not." So the drunk says "Look I'll show you." So he walks back into the bar with the two priests. The bartender takes one l...

I store drugs right under my nose

Don't believe me? Check my stash

I'm posting just to let everyone know I'm going through a lot right now...

...and I can't find a parking spot anywhere around here.

I'll never forget what my dad said to me right before he died.

"ARE YOU STILL HOLDING THE LADDER?"

Two wrongs don't make a right.

But three lefts do.

My 5 year old just got me with this one last night right before we fell asleep:

Him: Dad, will you remember me tomorrow?

Me: Of course!

Him: Will you remember me in a week?

Me: Yes.

Him: Will you remember me in a month?

Me: Yes..

Him: Will you remember me in a year?

Me: Yes.

Him: Knock knock.

Me: Who's there?
...

Right before surgery the surgeon says: "Relax, Jim. It's just a small scalpel incision. No reason to panic."

The patient replies: "But, Doctor, my name is not Jim." The surgeon says: "I know. I'm Jim."

You're being chased by a Lion, you're on a horse to the left of you is a Giraffe and on the right a unicorn what do you do?

You stop drinking and get off the Carousel.

A professor finds a cure for cancer right before falling into a vat of chickpea dip and dying

He was awarded post-hummous-ly

What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach?

Flop-Flops

The President invites the Pope to lunch on a boat. The Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the pontiff's hat off, right into the water. It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the Secret Service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Biden waved them off, saying, "Never mind boys, I'll get it."

Then Joe climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up,

walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht,...

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crazy right?

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?”

She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bat...

TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer."

Now we wait.

War isn't about about who's right...

It's about who's left.

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

It’s the World Series, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the field.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks the old man on the other side of the empty seat if someone will be sitting there.

“No,” says the old man. “The seat is empty.”

“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a s...

England fans must be pretty happy right now.

They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

I bought a sail for my boat on Amazon the other day. Today it dawned on me that it's not the right size so I called to cancel. They said it's too late.

That sail has shipped.

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

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What did the right buttcheek say to the left?

It's amazing that we're still together. Even after all the shit we've been through

So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?

But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”

How many right wingers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I have no idea because every time I ask they all argue about unnecessary change

PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.

If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

You're on vacation, and you've arrived at your hotel. The elevators in the lobby are numbered, from left to right, 1, 2, 3, 5, and 4.

Curious, you try to enter elevator 5, but are stopped by the bell boy.

"You can't use that elevator," he says.
"Why not?"
"It's out of order"

Legend has it there was a Sensei who is said to have bested all of his opponents by waiting for just the right moment to strike

He went by "Tai Ming"

My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now"

Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher. No idea why the school hired him.

One of these days my wife is going to realize I’m always right…

Except for when I disagree with her.

Listen…did you know falcons only live 12-15 yrs? That means every falcon alive right now was born in the 21st century which makes them…

Millennium Falcons

Will I find the right spice to use for my dish?

Only thyme will tell.

RIP to longtime ‘the Price is Right’ host Bob Barker

He’s still alive, but he’s 95 years old, and I want my guess to be closest without going over.

Doc and patient right before a surgery

Doc: *Ok John, don't you worry... it'll be easy*

Patient: but my name's not John

Doc: I know... it's my name

A professor is called to speak on human rights in the middle east.

A professor is asked to speak in the middle east on the subject of human rights.

He boards his plane and arrives without trouble. He continues his way to the podium he is about to speak on. To his astonishment the room is completely empty with the exception of one man.

Since his subje...

When rowing a boat, do you use the left paddle or the right paddle?

Either oar.

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Why are male bathrooms on the left, and female bathrooms on the right?

Because no matter what, women are always right, even when they're full of shit.

So, I decided to teach my kids about democracy, right?

I was like, 'Alright kids, we're gonna have a vote. We're gonna decide on what show to watch and what food to order.'

And they're excited, they're like, 'Ooh, democracy!'

And I'm like, 'Yeah, this is how it works.'

And then I picked the show and got the food I wanted because ...

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My wife said she's leaving me because I "can't do anything right when it comes to housework. "

Selfish bitch, it took me hours to mop that carpet.

I’m going through a lot right now.

Mostly because my car brakes stopped working.

If 2 wrongs DID make a right...

You'd need 4 wrongs to invent an airplane.

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At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me, "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...

'I'm her fucking mother' came the reply

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep. So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body. The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

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I can never get anything right. Yesterday I attempted suicide.

My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run.
I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was soo pissed off I shut of my Tesla and went back inside.

A passenger, in panic, asked if the airplane was going the right way

To which Yoda responded, “off course, we are.”

My dad told me once, son, stay out of strip clubs or you might see something you shouldn't. So of course, I went, and he was right.

I saw my dad

In the US people drive on the right side of the road,

but here in Atlanta we drive on what's left.

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, ...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

A Lawyer goes shooting and brings down a marvellous pheasant right on Farmer Joe's field...

Knowing the law, he goes over to the farmhouse and knocks on the door, farmer Joe opens, and the Lawyer speaks,

"Excuse me sir, but I'm a lawyer on a shoot, and I happen to have brought down a fairly marvellous pheasant over in your field yonder. Being a lawyer (I happen to have attended an e...

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NSFW She's Probably Right

A professor at the University of Oklahoma was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do y...

What did the left breast say to the right breast?

We've got to get some support, or they're going to think we are nuts.

The right horse

A guy was driving in the countryside when his car broke down, he knew nothing about cars so thought he was in trouble but he heard a voice say "it's the fuelpump" he looked around but there was no-one around except a brown horse and the horse said "it's the fuel pump" the guy was distraught and ran ...

In a freak accident I lost all the fingers on my right hand.....

I asked the doctor If I would still be able to write with it.

He replied "Probably, but I wouldn't count on it"

I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”

I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”

This blender I just bought doesn't seem to be working right

I keep getting mixed results

How many right wingers does it take to change a light bulb?

I've yet to find out because they all just stand around crying about the change

A man had the right side of his body amputated

I said "if i was half the man he was, i'd be a quarter of a man"

I tried to join this walking group, but was rejected because they said I didn't walk "the right way."

Man, I hate gait-keepers.

Everyone in the US is choosing sides right now

I choose inside.

What would Michael Jackson be doing if he were alive right now?

Scratching the hell out of his coffin lid.

What is Mozart doing right now?

Decomposing.

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Q: You're riding on a horse at high speed chasing a zebra. To your right is a sheer dropoff. Two feet to your left is a grizzly bear. Right on the heels of your horse is an angry lion. What do you do?

A: Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round!

It must suck being a Jehova's witness right now.

The one time you know everyone's home but you can't go out...

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Sperm and egg sales are experiencing a boom right now

I guess sex cells

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The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. “But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm,” he complained.

“That’s why the suit is such a bargain,” the sales clerk explained. “Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this.”


“But the right leg is way too short,” argued the customer.


“No problem,” the sales clerk answere...

Inflation is so bad right now ..

That a picture is now worth 2000 words.

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From the first time I used it, I knew I'd bought the right toilet

It was love at first shite

They didn’t remove the right one.

Request: Little brother was just diagnosed with testicular cancer. Lefty is a goner, but as the older brother, I feel the obligation to have some good jokes ready to help him feel better. Unfortunately the title is as good as funny as I get, so please help a brother out. Thanks.
Edit he’s in his ...

No, flat-earthers are right. The earth is supposed to be flat.

Until they burried your mom beneath it.

What did the doctor ask the composer right before his colonoscopy?

How many movements?

Ducks have more rights than you think

They have a whole bill of them

Gun rights

Fix this joke:

A blonde was getting heated arguing with her brunette friend. Her friend was trying to stay calm as she explained the importance of gun rights for personal and property protection.

"That's all anyone talks about, gun rights, gun rights, gun rights. All I'm saying is tha...

Why are they called “Left Twix” and “Right Twix”?

Because if they were called “Top” and “Bottom” they’d be Twinx.

I was tickling my little sister's feet when mum wakes up and starts giving me a right earful.

Something about "Waiting until she's born".

My nan was doing a jigsaw puzzle of a chicken but she said the pieces weren't right.

I said, "Nan, it's a box of Cornflakes!"

Hey kid, you're an orphan right?

Yes sir, what gave me away?

Your parents.

My friend handed me a gift right before he passed away.

What the hell am I supposed to do with an EpiPen?

Things are pretty bad right now

Van Diesel was forced to change his name to Van Electric due to increasing gas prices.

Man: “I’m so jealous of your heart right now” Woman: “why?”

Man: “because it’s pounding inside of you and I’m not”.

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

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