UPJOKE
himsheitduringhisherheliumhimselfpronouniwhothattheyatomic number 2in

He Jokes

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want ...

Chuck Norris parks his car in a no parking zone to buy some groceries. When he returns to his car, he sees a cop standing there. „Is that your car?“, he asks.

„Yes, what‘s the problem?“, asks Chuck.

The cop points at the big no-parking sign and says: „Sorry Sir, it looks like we put that sign in the wrong place.“

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

Soon after the General retired..., he decided he must do something different...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...!

*He soon found himself on an island with no flagstaff, no batmen, no ADC, no club, no canteen, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.*

After about four months,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.

He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings.

There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver fro...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a prostitute before, but he decides what the hell.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said t...

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

My grandfather told me this one not long before he died

A man is in his boat out on the lake with a bucket full of fish that he had just caught. A wildlife officer spots him and pulls his boat up alongside. Seeing the bucket of fish in the man's boat, the wildlife officer asks to see his fishing license.

The man tells the officer that he doesn't n...

Vladimir Putin consulted with a fortune teller. He asked:

"How long will I live?"

The psychic replied:
"I cannot tell that but I do know you will die on a Ukrainian holiday."

"Which holiday?" Putin asked.

"Whichever day you die will be a Ukrainian holiday."

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms.

When his turn arrives, he looks at the cashier and asks "I'm sorry, I forgot to buy condoms, can you ask someone to bring me a packet?"

"That's fine", she tells him, "what size do you need?". He'...

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. When she returned, he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

A guy boards an airplane to Detroit and makes his way to his seat where he notices the guy sitting next to him looks very worried. He asks him if he's afraid of flying.

"No, my company is moving me to Detroit. I've heard terrible things about Detroit; I'm worried about my family."

The guy tells him, "Look, it's not at all like the rumors. I've lived in Detroit my whole life. Find a nice home in a nice suburb, get your kids into a decent school, the community...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies

He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone. So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list. His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.


"Ho...

Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million:

1. Get up at 5:00AM every day
2. 90 minutes of cardio
3. Take a cold shower
4. Journal
5. Schedule out your day
6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company
7. Meditate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife, to our therapist: He always misunderstands simple questions.

Therapist, to me: What does she mean?

Me: It’s a feminine pronoun,

Bruce Lee was fast, but he had an even faster brother…

Sudden Lee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..."

*Poof* ... He disappears without a tres.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What else could he say??

A young couple decided to take their 5 year old son to see the circus. After several amazing acts, the ringmaster led six bull elephants into the center ring, linked trunk to tail in the usual manner.

"What's that big thing hanging off the elephant, Mommy?" Little Johnny asked.

"That...

Trump might finally get what he wants the most

He might get to be president for the rest of his life.

What did the Indian kid say to his parents when he left for school

Mum bai

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words before he died.

"Are you still holding the ladder?"

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

Donald Trump finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and a genie comes out.

Genie: "I grant you three wishes."

Trump: "I'm tired of getting sued for everything I do. I want there to be no more courts."

Genie: "Granted. You have no wishes left."

Trump: "What the hell? You told me I had three wishes, and I only used one!"

Genie: "Sue me."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just le...

What did Charizard say when he saw Pikachu

Charizard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking through a graveyard when he sees another man squatting next to a grave. "Morning!" he calls out.

"No, just having a shit!"

He got the order wrong

Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?

“He gently slid her panties to the side

so he could fit the rest of the socks in her drawer.”

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost it for a lifetime

Edit: Thank you kind Redditor for the Gold

What did Kim Jong-Un say yesterday before he died?

My Korea is over

My wife thinks our friend is lying when he claimed that he scaled Mount Everest, but I disagree.

I think..he made it up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

A sergeant major is inspecting his troops one morning when he sees a new soldier he doesn't recognize

"Hey, you! Soldier! Get over here! What's your name?"

"John."

"John?! What the hell kind of army do you think this is? John! I never call my soldiers by their first names. It breeds familiarity and leads to a breakdown in discipline. I only ever call my soldiers by their last names: Sm...

a scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords

she got a pen and paper and said 'thank god for that, what are they'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from a prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spen...

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man.

"What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back ...

I have a friend who always subtly mentions that he went to MIT

I simply hate his behavior. He'd somehow figure out a way to drop it into a conversation just to let people know he's an MIT alumni.

He's always been like this. Even when we were in college together.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

Steal a man’s wallet, and he’ll be poor for a day…

Teach him to play an instrument, and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

If you buy a man a plane ticket, he will fly for a day…

If you push a man out of a plane, he will fly for the rest of his life

"IT'S A BOY!! IT'S A BOY!!" he cried with teary eyes. At that very moment he vowed...

.. to never visit Thailand again!

If Trump played DnD, what weapon would he use?

Fire staff

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was walking down the street when he sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey, miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mafia leader asks his right-hand man if he would do anything he says .

The guy says he’ll give his life for his Capo. Ok then , "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out."

Then he hands him a plastic cup.

Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out.

The Mafia leader s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had

He started counting, and after a minute or so, he fell asleep

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 70 year old man goes into a brothel. He picks out a young pretty woman, ....

... they go up to her room, strip down and climb into bed.
The old man performs like a teenager, the prostitute is amazed at how energetic and agile he is, she tells him if he can do it like that again, she'll give him one for free.
He says "Yeah, I can, but I need to take a 20 minute na...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store. He decides to go in, because he has never seen one before.

He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one."

Andrew Tate arrested in Romania after a pizza box showed he was in the country. Police arrested him within 30 minutes

As any longer would mean they had to give him a free garlic bread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

an Italian guy goes to a bar where he spots a beautiful long legged blonde

He picks her up and brings her home where he makes love to her, after ten minutes of fucking he asks her "are you finish?" To which she replies "no"

Determined not to leave his lady companion unsatisfied; he gets on top of her and and fucks her until she moans loudly, he goes for another ten ...

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jane had developed a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex. "Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied. Jane then explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing, got completely naked and laid down on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

I met a genie once. He gave me one wish. I said “I wish I could be you.”

The genue saud, "weurd wush but U wull grant ut."

What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?

British

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out go...

I asked my son what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said, "Batman."

Now my wife and I refuse to take him to the theater.

A man wanted to literally die with his $$$, so he trusted a third of his money to a Priest, a third to a Doctor, and a third to his Lawyer to bury him with it when he died.

After his death, at the man’s funeral the priest whispered to his dead body and placed a bag in his coffin. The doctor then proceeded to whisper to the body and placed a bag in there as well. Then the lawyer went and dropped off a bag and moved on.

As they were carpooling back from the funer...

Soviet joke: A man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?”

The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mute man wanted to buy condoms, but he wasn't sure how to communicate with the pharmacist. His partner suggested he just whip his dick out on the counter and put $10 next to it.

When he returned, his partner asked: "Did you get the condoms?". He shook his head and replied (edit: in sign language): "No, I did just like you said, but then the pharmacist did the same and pocketed the cash!"

Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants

Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?

I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it.

People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what is this...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music comin...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to phish, he will become a Nigerian Prince.

A chemist froze himself at -273.15 °C, everyone said he was crazy

He was 0K

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Ch...

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

A guy wanted his wife dead so he hired Crazy Arti to murder her. Arti said he would do it for a dollar because, well, he's crazy.

The husband said she always goes to the grocery store on Thursday so they decided to do it then. The day came and unbeknownst to Arti, the wife brought her friend with her so he strangled them both inside the grocery. The headline in the local newspaper the following day said...

ARTICHOKES ...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!

In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Po...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate said he can tighten up nuts and bolts with his butt.

Personally I think he torques out of his arse

Edit: Silver, Gold, Platinum, and got to the front page.

Thankyou everyone!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

I told my friend that he really shouldn't be using a straw and he replied, "Yeah, I know, I know, it's bad for the environment." I said, "Sure, there's that..."

"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."

Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them. To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one…

…He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60...

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met a genie today who said he would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"



"You crafty bastard," said the genie.

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion.

He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Justin Timberlake announces that he will be joining the war in Ukrain.

Early reports suggest that he will be stationed somewhere along the Crimea River

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"

"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."


...

I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died

Which was lucky really, because he got hit by a bus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

A burglar breaks into a house. He begins to search the home for valuables when hears a quiet voice say

“Jesus is watching you” he dismisses it as paranoia and carries on with his crime. He hears the voice again “Jesus is watching you”. He’s knows this time it’s not in his head so he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner. He walks over to the parrot and it repeats one more time “Jesus...

Give a man a gun, he will rob a bank,

Give a man a bank and he will rob the world.

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was walking along the countryside where he notices a lot of sheep and only one shepherd so curiously, he walks over to him and asks

A man was walking along the countryside where he notices a lot of sheep and only one shepherd so curiously, he walks over to him and asks

"Are those sheep yours?"

"Which ones, the black, or the white?"the shepherd asks.

"The black ones?"

"They're mine." He said

"I ...

"Who's Sisyphus?" she asks. You begin to respond: "it's this myth about a guy being punished in the underworld where he has to-"

Her phone rings.

"One second," she says. A few minutes later, she prompts you to continue: "I'm sorry, I cut you off."

You start again. "Sisyphus is a-"

Her phone rings again. "Sorry, one sec."

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

A man decides to buy two horses. When he brought them home he realized he needed some way to tell them apart .

So he called his neighbor to help out. The neighbor said "You know, you could just snip a little bit of one horse's tail and leave the other one's intact, that way you can tell them apart by the length of the tail". The man liked that idea and he took some scissors and snipped a bit of the first hor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Doctor tells the 90 Year Old Man that he needs a semen sample. "Bring back the specimen tomorrow."

The next day the old man comes back with the jar in hand. It's as clean and empty as it was the previous day.
"Did you have a little trouble?" asked the doctor.
A pause, then he says, "When I got home I tried, you know? First, with the right hand. Next, with the left hand. Nothing. That I ask...

A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and po...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My eight year old nephew said he had a joke:

“What did the ant say to the other ant?”
“I dunno, what?”
“Nothing, ants communicate using pheromones, not speech.”
“Yeah, that’s not really a joke kid.”
He was quiet for a moment, and looked at the ground. “It’s an ant-y joke, asshole.”

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

When my grandpa died he farted and we thought he was still alive...

...turns out, he just let one R.I.P.

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later..

The nun agreed…

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a full bar with a loaded gun. He shouts “Who here has been fucking my wife!?”

Everyone in the bar is quiet for a bit, until the bartender says “Mate, you don’t have enough bullets.”

Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword"

He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City. He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.

"Wh-what are you doing?!" sputtered Mr. Johnson. "I specifically booked this seat! Why aren't you sitting in your seat?!"

The blonde woman replied, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I'm sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City."

Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blo...

I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig ..

It's not a beautiful poem but it's really deep.

I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13.

“Sir, you gave me an extra.” That’s a freebie.

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

A genie granted me 2 out of my 3 wishes, and my third wish was for him to forget he ever met me

He replied with “I am a genie, and I shall grant you 3 wishes”

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

My grandfather died because the report said he had Type-A blood

Unfortunately it was a Type-O

My friend claims he can print a gun in using his 3D printer...

But I'm not impressed, I've had a canon printer for ages.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!

“I bet it’s the snooty bitch at number twenty three,” she replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to you...

What do you call Bob the Builder when he retires?

Bob.

I asked my North Korean friend how he liked living there,

He said he can't complain.

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’ ‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer. ‘But it’s onl...

My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war.

He's a seasoned veteran.

Police officer pulls over 2 Catholic priests. Says he’s looking for two child molesters.

Catholic priests looking at each other: We’ll do it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with 10 bucks and asks what he can get

The bartender says, "You can get those damn deer the fuck outta my bar!"

A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives.

A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep replied






Edit: thanks for all the upvotes, this is my first post ever on here!!!

Edit 2: removed emoji

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he would be home by midnight.

At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of himself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Nsfw)What must a vampire ask before he has sex?

Is it alright if I cum inside?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alec Baldwin has confirmed he will no longer be playing the role of Donald Trump on SNL

From now on he will play the role of Dick Cheney.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.