In 50 years: "You know, kids, back in my day, we had to wear masks everywhere we went at one point."

We didn't have those fancy hazmat suits you all wear today

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I haven't had sex since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour...

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I overheard my neighbor say she had a shitty day, so I anonymously sent her a meat lover’s pizza

She’s a vegan and I hate her fucking guts

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, ...

Boss: "You called in sick yesterday and said you had the Coronavirus. You can't be here until you get tested"

Me: "I said I had a case of Corona and I wasn't coming in to work. I never said anything about a virus"

Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister."

"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

I told my gf that i had a crush on beyonce!

And she said to me "Whatever floats your boat"

And i said "No that's **Buoyancy**"

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"

But it's just a curd to me

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.” I grunted...

“Just ignore them!”

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout ...

Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches.

They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter.

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When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. "Tarzan not know sex." he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Ohhh...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here." she said, pointi...

Bill’s had a tough week, so he decides to have a little fun

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived h...

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I had a job interview the other day and the interviewer asked me, 'What's your worst quality?'

'Honesty.' I said.

'I don't think honesty is a bad trait.' He replied.

'I don't give a fuck what you think.'

If I had a dollar everyone called me handsome...

I'd have a dollar.

Thanks mom =(

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!" Well, it was an immediate hit...

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the bla...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent, but had not phoned in.

Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted by a child’s whispered, “Hello.”

“Is your Daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?”

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprise...

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

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Had sex with twins last night, my friend asked how i could tell them apart, "easy" i said..

.."the brother had a moustache"

So this guy had found a magic lamp, which had a genie in it. After a while...

**Genie:** So master, you have one wish left, think wisely.

**Guy:** Hmmm, I wish there was a railroad that connect New York City to Moscow.

**Genie:** That... is quite a big wish you got there. Do you have anything more reasonable?

**Guy:** In that case, I wish I was able to un...

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If I had a nickel for everytime I had no idea what was happening...

I'd die screaming, "Where are all of these fucking nickels coming from?!"

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A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men...

The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"

The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"

The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"

Without hesitating, the private kills the man.

The gener...

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There lived a King who had a beautiful wife.. (NSFW)

On an important occasion, he had to leave his kingdom to meet another king! Since his wife was young and beautiful, he was worried that he may cheat on him with someone in his palace. So before leaving the kingdom, he slathered poison on his wife's tits.


The King returned after a couple o...

I had to leave the granite industry

It was counter productive

Doctor: We had to remove your colon.

Me Why?

Mr. Spock actually had 3 Ears!

A left ear, a right ear

and a final front ear

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Mark remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

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I recently became a therapist and had a new girl come in today

I could tell she thought I was judgemental the minute I looked at her

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was a...

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A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

A Russian Jew had been allowed to emigrate to Israel.

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked him, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations...

Do you remember that party we had in Pompeii?

Yeah everyone was stoned

I successfully quit my job as an animator without making a scene, so I had a party to celebrate...

and everybody brought gifs.

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My girlfriend left me because she didn’t like that i had a name for my penis..

I guess i will have to take Matters into my own hands.

An wealthy English woman had a butler named John.

One day when her husband was away on vacation, she asked John to follow her into her bedroom.

Then she said, “John, take off my blouse”.

Then: “John, take off my skirt”.

Then: “John, take off my bra”.

Then: “John, take off my underwear”.

Then she sighed and said, “...

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

he priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poo...

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

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A man had some trouble lasting during sex

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, ‟What the hell, I’ll try it.”

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He con...

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My wife only had sex with one man before me

It was a slow day

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

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I once found a beautiful woman lying on the railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had tremendous sex.

No head, though

A husband and a wife over their marriage had eight kids.One day the husband notices that their sixth kid, Billy, looks very different from the other seven.

The husband goes to his wife and asks her, “Honey, I noticed that Billy looks different from the other children, did you have an affair?”

The wife starts to break down into tears and nods her head.

The husband, heartbroken, quietly asks his wife, “So who is Billy’s father?”

“You...

A King had to go on a war but he was worried that his wife might cheat and leave him.

A King had to go on a war but he was worried that his wife might cheat and leave him.
He locked her in her room and gave the keys to his minister and ordered him that if I don't come back in 10 days then she is yours. Then the king left.

After 20 mins as he was riding on his fast horse he ...

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned: Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?

His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom t...

If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive...

they would eventually find me very attractive.

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Ok r/askreddit if you had to give up video games or blow jobs for the rest of your life what would you choose?

Edit: Yea guys I'd pick blow jobs too, they hurt my jaw

Family had no money left, so the husband sent his wife to work the streets.

She came home in the morning, and her husband asked:”How much did you make?”

“$804” she said

“Which idiot gave you $4 ???” he asked

“Well... everyone...”

Finding a woman sobbing because she had locked her keys in the car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"

"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."

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Apparently the average person had sex 90 times this year...

...these last two weeks are going to be incredible!

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When I was in high school, my class had a rule that whoever swears, that person had to donate 1 dollar to the class fund

One day my friend sweared, following the set rule, he came up near the fund jar, held a 2-dollar note, as he was putting it into the jar, he said: “Keep the change, motherfuckers!”

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

When I was 8, I had a friend who was raised by atheists.

He once told me, “I don’t know where Adam and Eve is...”

“Are,” I corrected. “And they’re in heaven.”

“I don’t know where Adam and Eve are,” he corrected. “But my mom and dad sure do shop there often.”

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The first time I had sex I remember thinking.

This is expensive.

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The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the ci...

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 50 told me my generation sucks...

I could afford a house in the economy they've ruined!

If Bruce Lee had a vegan brother, what would his name be?

Broccoli

According to my sewing instructor, I'm easily the worse student She's ever had..

Oops... sorry, wrong thread.

I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions

1. ⁠My credit card number
2. ⁠My social security number
3. ⁠Uploading a signed copy of my birth certificate

My grandma had a scare when she felt a lump under her breast

Turns out it was just her knee cap

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

We got lucky UF created Gatorade. Can you imagine if FSU had created it?

We'd all be drinking seminole fluid

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A guy asked his Scottish buddy how many sexual partners he's had.

The Scottish guy started counting, and then fell asleep.

Yesterday I had an argument with a 90° angle.

It turns out it was right

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Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of ...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

I once knew a Hippie who had a dog named "Nama"

He trained the dog to sit. He would say: "Nama, sit."

He also trained the dog to Stay.



...



...



He would look at the dog and say:

"Nama..."

"Stay."

The husband entered the shower, when his wife had just finished washing herself and left the bathroom.

Suddenly, the door-bell rang.
The wife quickly wrapped herself in a towel and ran to open the door.
A neighbour, Jack, was standing there.
Seeing the woman, he said: “I’ll give you 1000$, if you take off the towel”.
After thinking for 5–10 seconds, the woman took off the towel.
The ne...

I had a dream that I was a tailpipe last night

I woke up totally exhausted

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I had sex with your mum last night and got a bad rash

That’s the last time I fuck a flower, I tell ya

i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety

and they said: "what's school safety?"

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NSFW Dylan, a Welsh farmer who'd had a few too many headed to the pub's men's room when nature called.....

While standing at the urinal trough he suddenly had a puzzled look on his face. He quickly finished his business and ran out to speak to the bartender. Leaning in close he whispered to the bartender:

"I know I'm pretty drunk, but I swear I saw a black guy with a white dick in the bathroom! Hu...

Me: I had to quit my construction job because I wasn’t strong enough for the work.

Friend: Did you give them your too weak notice?

A man had an argument with his lover in a hotel room.

He calls the receptionist and says "I had an argument with my lover. She is threatening to jump out of the window if I don't divorce my wife. You have to help me."

The receptionist replied: "Sir, that looks like a personal problem. There is nothing we can do to help you out."

"Listen ...

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.

The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."

The cop gives him a skeptical look and asks, "Were you the one being robbed?"

"No, I committed the robbery," the man casually says....

My friend drowned himself in a vat of varnish. He had a horrible end,

...but a lovely finish.

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Did you hear about the guy who had sex with 3.14 hookers?

AIDS. He got AIDS and died.

What, you were expecting a pi joke?

On my cake day??

There was a woman who had 100 kids..

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and neve...

I have had enough!!! I will never help anyone again...EVER!!!

Yesterday it was so cold out that we took a man into our home out of the kindness of our heart. We felt so sorry for him. Poor thing was trembling out in the cold, but this morning he had just vanished. Not a word...not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him!! The last straw?!?! When I rea...

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After having sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" was not the correct response.

If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?

Someone else’s pants on.

My grandfathers favorite joke.

A friend came over for dinner and told me that the milk in my refrigerator had gone bad.

How the hell would he know? They just met.

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.



'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Daddy... I became a prostitute.'

'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinn...

"Have you ever had a mango?"

"Yes"

"Have you ever had a mango in your mouth?"

I saw a bunch of kids trying to throw another kid into a dumpster and I had to step in.

They weren't tall enough to get him over the top.

I fainted in the curry house when I heard R.E.M had split up

That's me in the Korma

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The weirdest thing I saw as a coroner was a murder victim who had a second butt up his butt.

It turned out he was the victim of an assassin.

Had a fight with my wife....

So I didn't let her sleep on the sofa with me last night...

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

I couldn't find the thingy that peels potatoes and carrots, so i asked my kids if they'd had seen it...

Apparently she left me two days before.

Judge: How could you kill 24 people? What the hell was wrong with you?

Driver:I was driving at 50mph when I saw two men crossing the road. On the roadside, there was a restaurant with outside seating. I wanted to apply the brakes, but I realised they were not working. So I had to take a decision: Either hit the 2 men or run into the restaurant.

Judge: Hit the 2 ...

A mom walks in on her 4 year old son who had just dumped a box of animal crackers all over the kitchen table

“What are you doing?” she asks

“The box says don’t eat if seal is broken. I was looking for the seal!”

I once had a conversation with a dolphin

We just clicked....

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As new parents my wife and I had to deal with the first poop in the bath.

My daughter thought it was hilarious. I thought it was hilarious. My wife thinks I’m too old to be pooping in the bath.

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What's the dirtiest or sexiest joke you have ever heard?

Not the dirtiest but I laughed.

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Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there are not enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the n...

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. For this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: “You rest here while I register – I’ll be back within an hour.”

So, his wife lies down on the bed…and just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor....

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NSFW DARK JOKE: Never eat out a woman who had an abortion.

That shit is haunted.

If I had to describe myself in 3 words

It'd be 'not very good at maths'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

I wish I had an electric car like a Tesla...

...so I'm pretty Madagascar is all I can afford.

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children.

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister ...

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me.”



Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on...

I had a great time travel joke to tell you guys.

But it turned out that none of you liked it.

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A man went to his doctor because he had trouble peeing...

He complained about how he had to struggle to even get a few drops out. Frowning for a brief moment, the doctor assures him that a simple surgery would fix the problem.
The next day, the man returns to the hospital for the surgery and the doctor proceeds, the only issue being that the man's testi...

I once had a boyfriend in kindergarten,

then he got fired.

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An attractive young lady was attending a sales motivation class. There was a ladder in the hall leading to a balcony which had a note, ‘Climb the ladder to success’.

Intrigued, she climbed to the balcony where she found a man with his dong in his hand.

“What’s this?” She shouted.

“I’m Cess,” He replied, “Start sucking.”

A blonde and two brunettes had to climb 100 stairs without laughing

On each stair they were told a joke, and they got funnier every stair higher.

The first brunette only made it to the first stair.

The second brunette made it to the fifth stair before she laughed.

The blonde slowly made her way up all the stairs, until finally she was at the 99t...

My wife asked me if I had seen the dog bowl.

I replied that I didn't know he played cricket.

When I was a teen I had so many pimples...

in the library a blind man was trying to read my face.

Against my wishes my son has gone and had a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club and a diamond.

I'll deal with him later.

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For many years he had a desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer..

Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory.
For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead...

Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone.

What kind of sicko does that to someone’s advent calendar?

I had the luxury of obtaining a Russian style dishwasher during quarantine...

Her name is Natalia and she makes a lot of noise when there's too much inside.

"Old McDonald had some weed"

"He high, He high Hoe"

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, John's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. John's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find John sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, John, how long you been here, and how did you talk your Missus into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night... Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and ...

Ugh... My hair has never been this long before, and all the salons are closed due to the pandemic. I wish I had emo hair...

...so it would cut itself.

I had a friend ask me how to get an award...

I said it's a piece of cake!

Yesterday I had a nightmare that my tiktok account was deleted.

For a second, I was really scared that I had a tiktok account.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

I had a job interview the other day and the interviewer says to me ‘How would you usually describe yourself at work?’

I said ‘With words, but today I’m going to use interpretive dance’

I asked the librarian if they had any books on Noise Reduction Levels

She said "Sure, what volume ?"

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I told my mate that I had finally retired my aging car. He asked if I'd sold it or scrapped it..

I said nothing that drastic, I just put a new set of Michelins on it.

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I heard they had started giving all the old guys in the nursing home Viagra right before they go to sleep at night.

Its to prevent them from rolling out bed in the middle of the night.

Today I gave a homeless man everything I had, my identity, wallet, car, house, even my wedding ring. We basically switched places.

You can't imagine how good it felt to be free of debt for the first time.

Two students, James and John were given a grammar test by their teacher. The question was,"is it better to use 'had' or 'had had' in this example sentence?"

The teacher collected the tests and looked over their answers.

James, while John had had 'had',had had 'had had'. 'Had had' had had a better effect on the teacher.

I had a butcher come into my shop and introduce me to his wife...

He said, "Meet Patty".

Went to the gym today...had a bad experience...

I was just doing my usual routine ... which is just like 700 kilo pull downs and 780 Kilo squats and 1000 kilo shoulder presses...and then I got really annoyed because a chicken was running around the gym ....and then I went to the owner of the gym and I said “why is there a chicken in here?! I’m tr...

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Shakira looks so young that if she had sex with me...

.. I would be the one being called a predator.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral dir...

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Just had to unclog my toilet

It was a pretty shitty situation.

Had to get castrated today for birth control reasons. I paid so much and they didn't even use scissors.

It was a rip-off.

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A Christian once asked me if I had found Jesus...

I said "holy shit, you guys lost him again?"

Did you know that the Jetsons dog had scientific PhD?

He was an Astro physicist.

Kamikaze pilots had a lot of potential.

But it turned out they were all one hit wonders.

*Teacher to Student* T: "Use the word 'centimeter' in a sentence"

S: ‟My grandma was arriving at the train station so i was centimeter”

T: ‟No, no, that‘s ‘Sent to meet her‘. Okay, try another one. Use ‘contagious‘ in a sentence please”

S: ‟I had to wait at the train station for hours because it took that contagious!”

The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had...

I had a rectal exam today and it hurt like hell! I told the doctor to take off his ring before insertion.

He said, "Ring? That's my watch!"

"Man, if I had listened my father when I was 8, I could've been rich today"

Friend: What did he say?

Me: I dunno, I didn't listen.



Heard that on the radio today

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes.

“Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can handle,” he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and he was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer ...

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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & ...

I had a dream last night about dancing chickens...

It was like poultry in motion.

Back in caveman days, all we had were clubs and rocks. And doors hadn't even been invented yet...

...we had to tell each other "thump thump" jokes!

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I told my wife I had a cuck fetish. She said "ok tomorrow night lets do it". That night I get home, go upstairs and shes in the bedroom having sex with another man!

I was so upset i dropped my rolling pin and spatula

The original script for Dr. Strange had an undead version of Wong battle with the living one. Ultimately they decided it didn't work.

Two Wongs don't make a wight.

A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket.

They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, "Watch out for that wall!"

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I had my annual physical, today.

My doctor put on gloves and said he had to check my prostate. He pushed two fingers into my rectum and said, “ok, that feels good.”

And I agreed with him.

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A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty dollar bill tattooed on his dick. The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot. Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick a picture of a banknote?”

The man replied, “There are three reasons.

One, I love to play with my money.

Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.

Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

Yesterday, my wife finally told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.

Reluctantly, I had to put my foot down.

My grandfather promised to take me fishing next week but he had a heart attack this morning.

Even after death he is keeping his promise of collecting worms.

Had a fight with an erection this morning

I beat it single handedly.

My wife and I just had a row and it ended with her literally on her hands and knees

saying "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"

There are immigrants who had came to America, stolen jobs and murdered the local population

and we call those immigrants the founding fathers

A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.

When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

An old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think, we’ve been married for 50 years.”

“Yeah,” she replied. “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said, “but we were probably sitting here stark naked fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered, “what do you say, should we strip?”

So the two stri...

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You b*****d!

A man was brought before the court to recieve his verdict.

"For the murder of your mother-in-law with numerous blows to the head with a hammer, we, the jury, find you guilty."

A voice in the back yells:

"You bastard!"

"For the murder of your wife with numerous blows to t...

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An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

A joke my 9 yr old told at a BBQ we had over the weekend. He brought down the house.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry!

My friend’s grandma had two ovens and stored bread in one of them...

One day she preheated the wrong one

All the bread was toast

Had to call the SWAT team for backup today...

... There was a fly in my car.

I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11.

It was just a spare, I guess.

My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: “That’s a nice looking Aldi!”

I told him it just looks like Aldi others.

...

Sorry y’all. It’s been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.

A guy rides his motorcycle through the border from Spain to France every week carrying two bags of sand.

The border guard searched the bags every time, but never found anything, so he had to let him through. The guard has his last day at work before retiring and the guy comes to the border again, carrying his two bags of sand. The guard says "look, man, it's my last day, I'm not going to bust you. You...

My ex is a musician. Her musical instrument and I had a lot in common.

We both got played, constantly.

A vet had an doctor appointment.

So he gets in doctor's office and sits down.

Doc: Tell me what's wrong.

Vet: You have it so easy don't you, Doc.

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Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.

Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you...

I had a random thought right now: cheese really isn't that great.

It's just a curd to me.

A couple had been married for 35 years,

the pair was also celebrating their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them each one wish.The wife said she wanted to travel around the world. The fairy godmother waved her magic ...

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I used to date a girl that had her breasts on her back.

She wasn’t much to look at, but she was really fun to slow dance with.

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