When we were kids, my brothers and I would race to put our shoes on every morning.

It always ended in a tie.

“Hey, remember how we used to finish each other’s sentences when we were younger?”

“Well I’m in prison now and I really need a favour”

A town mayor is on his deathbed when he asks his wife if she had ever been unfaithful to him

Wife: I don't want to lie to you on your deathbed, yes I've been unfaithful to you on two occasions.

Husband: When was the first time?

Wife: Do you remember when we were not long married and we were refused a mortgage to buy our home? Well I went back to see the bank manager and convi...

A man is in bed with his wife when there’s a knock at the door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the doo...

When God made the little crustacean, he told his team to name it "crab"

..and make it *snappy!*

What do you get when you milk a stone cow?

A stiff drink.

My wife hates it when I show her old pictures of what she used to wear.

She has post traumatic dress disorder.

What did the duck say when he lost his wallet?

Quap

I once hired a limo but when it arrived, the guy driving it walked off!

I said "Excuse me? Are you not going to drive me?"
The guy told me that the price didn't include a driver…
… so I'd spent £400 on a limo and have nothing to chauffeur it!

My mom had two conjoined sisters and both of their names were Andra. When they were murdered, I gave up joking.

And mourned my double entendres.

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Back in the late 1800's when bananas first started gaining popularity in the United States, banana groves weren't the safest of places. There were monkeys pooping all over, porcupines, venomous spiders and snakes in the groves. This caused problems not just for the pickers, but for consumers as well

Anyway Americans started demanding that their bananas be inspected before being imported, so the banana companies started placing stickers on bunches of bananas to indicate they were safe to eat. Of course the banana companies were still cutting corners. The groves still had monkeys, porcupines, sna...

My friends used to laugh at me when I told them that I wanted to become a comedian

I am a comedian today and nobody is laughing

When I'm around my Spanish-speaking friends, I always use the word "mucho"...

It means a lot to them.

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On the sixth day, when God created man, he hesitated, and asked the rooster, "How many penises should I give man?"

The rooster replied, "a cock a dude'll do."

What sound does a car make when a witch starts it?

Broom Broom

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What happens when you touch Dwayne Johnson’s Butt?-

You hit rock bottom.

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A Catholic priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed. “Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins"

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”
“Don’t worry, child,” says the priest, “It’s perfectly normal to have such desires and share them with your partner.Nothing serious, just say two prayer...

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What happens when you smack Dwayne Johnson’s butt?

You get arrested for sexual assault. What did you think was going to happen?

When Chuck Norris gets suncream on his skin...

The sun is protected from him

What did the Sahara say to the Gobi when it got hot?

Send dunes

What is it called when the pieces in the corner of a chessboard move diagonally

A rookie mistake

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John gets pulled over on the 405 with his girlfriend in the passenger seat

John: Is there a problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone

John: No, I was only going 65 tops

John's girlfriend: Oh John, you were going 80

John gives his girlfriend a nasty look

Cop: I'm also writing you a ticket for your broken taillight
...

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Anyone Have Cocktail Sauce?

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, a man from Anchorage answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

“We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,” said one of the troopers.

“Tell me! Did you find her?” Wilkens excla...

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night…

when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the sta...

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Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

< One Wish >

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you
have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive ...

My wife and I were walking out of a restaurant with a doggie bag, when we saw a young teen in shabby clothes sitting on the sidewalk

He asked if he could have our leftovers, so I gladly gave them to him.

I asked him if he was an orphan.

He said "Yes I am - what gave me away?"

I replied "Obviously, your parents."

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.



They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweis...

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A husband and his pregnant wife were sleeping

Suddenly, a robber enters their room and shoots the wife in the stomach 3 times
The husband gets his gun under the bed and shots the robber right in the head
They rush to the hospital where they put his wife on the surgery table, after 30 minutes the doctor comes to the husband and says:
<...

Repost of my favorite joke here: Everyone knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?”

“No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Dave ...

Three men are in a bar, debating

Three men are in a bar, debating who caught it worse from the other nights drinking session.

The first man goes "guys, I got so wasted, that when I went home I blew chunks"

The second man says "that's nothing. I tried to drive home and got pulled over. Now I may lose my licence.
<...

A socially awkward loner finally landed a job as a mailman. When the people on his route saw a new face, they instinctively wanted to know who he was and he always gave the same response.

Long time lurker, first time poster.

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you...

A philosopher and a driver

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture....

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Lie Detecting Robot for Sale!

A father buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. When his son arrives home, he asks him what he did today.

"I did my homework right after school at the library." says the son. The robot promptly slaps him.

"Ouch!" said ...

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Soup or sex

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

Two blondes are traveling in their motorhome.

At some point during the trip they get stuck when trying to drive under a low bridge. I have an idea says first, let the air out of the tires, so we might get loose! You are really stupid, says the second, it is at the top that we are stuck!

One of my dad's favorites

When they started, the painters decided to paint the body of the church before painting the steeple. With the church completed and the steeple well along, paint was getting low and a thunderstorm loomed. To finish properly, they would need to climb down to the ground to get more paint. Alterna...

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True story about quick thinking as a dad:

When my kids were little they would visit grandma and her old wood floor gave them splinters if they were barefoot. Every weekend I would end up pulling splinters out of their toes and feet. They would howl something fierce but once the splinter was out they would be so glad.

Cut to a year l...

Everyone is telling the Helium joke, but what do you get when you add Helium to Tellurium?

……..TeHe!

My wife asked if these pants make her look fat…

I replied

“Definitely not. It’s you that makes the pants look fat.”

And oh how we both laughed and laughed.

Anyway, I’m single now in case any of you want to hang out.

I’m pretty open most days. Except for Tuesday’s when I do yoga.

What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show?

A cat-has-trophy.

What does a duck say when he is trying to be a rooster?

Quack. He's just a duck

What do you call J.K Rowling when she goes to space?

Astro TERF

Once upon a time in the Caribbean...

Two prawns were swimming around. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was...

About the chicken and a donkey

On the farm lived a Chicken and a Donkey, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the Donkey fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee-hawed' for the chicken to go get the Farmer for help!
Off the Chicken ran, back to the farm. Arri...

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I found a drug that helps me sleep when I have a sunburn

It’s called viagra. It doesn’t help with the burn, but it keeps the sheets off my legs

My mate set me up with a blind date.

Things got off to a bad start when I tripped on her stick and her Labrador bit me.

A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mushrooms

I'm sick of the double standard…

When I burn a dead bodies at the mortuary, I'm doing a good job. When I burn dead bodies at home, I'm destroying evidence.

What did the dog say when he sat on the sandpaper?

Ruff ruff

An admiral is touring a submarine

The Captain is with him, showing him the functions and rooms of the submarine. Near the end of the tour when they’re in the operations room, the admiral notices a monitor with “Up 0, Down 0” displayed on it. Perplexed, he asks the captain “What is this monitor’s function?”

“Oh, that’s the tal...

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Milk Bath

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.  She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.  He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

...

My girlfriend asked me to tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.

OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.

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What is the last thing that goes through a bug's head when it hits your windshield?

It's ass.

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Don't mess with that mouse

3 mice are sitting together when one starts bragging about how tough he is. He says, "I'm so tough, I go around collecting all the rat poison I can find, then I put it in my coffee and drink it down!". The 2nd mouse laughs and says, "That's nothing! I'm so tough, I go to mouse traps, snatch up the ...

When a surveyor on the street asked me what superpower I'd like to have...

...apparently, the last answer they were expecting was 'China'.

What do you get when you spell “man” backwards?

Flashbacks.

I was having random bouts of diarrhea...

Couldn't figure out what the hell was causing it.

Then I started keeping track. I realized it was only happening when I would wear those polo shirts with the little alligator stitched on them.

Turns out I'm Lacoste intolerant.

Apparently most people lean slightly forward when they nod their head.

Must say, I'm inclined to agree.

Chocolate Sausage

I went to a church men's campout a few years back. Everyone was sitting around the fire cooking breakfast.

Joe, an old-time rancher, starts cooking some homemade sausage.

A few minutes go by, then someone asks, "Hey Joe, what kind of sausage is that? It smells good." to which Joe repl...

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot.

One day a construction crew tumed up
to start building a house on the empty lot. The
young family's 5.year.old daughter naturally took
an interest in all the activity going on next door and ll
spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, more or...

A blonde calls her husband who is at work

"Honey, I need your help. I just bought a puzzle at walmart and I really don't know how to solve it. It's so hard that I can't even combine two pieces."

"That's annoying my love. Does the box say how many pieces it has?"

"No, it doesn't say."

"Is there at least a picture of the ...

An 80 year old man finds a talking frog

An 80 year old man is out by a pond one day when a frog jumps onto a lily pad nearby.

“Excuse me sir,” says the frog, “I know I may appear to be just a frog, but I’m actually a beautiful princess. A witch has placed a curse on me to keep me in this form. The only thing that can break this cu...

A Subway sandwich maker has a very eccentric regular customer.

The eccentric customer always orders a tuna sandwich, but heavily modified, made with an extra cup of mayo, smothered in chili peppers, red peppers, onions, and pickles, then toasted until it's burnt. It looks and smells disgusting and the worker dreads it when he sees that customer come in.
...

Suicide stop

Back on June 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who...

Blonde Overweight

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?" The...

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A new bride says to her husband on their honeymoon,

"How will I know when you're ready for sex?"
"Oh, I'll always be in the mood," he says. "But when you're in the mood, reach over and give my willy a tug. When you're NOT in the mood, reach over and give it 352 tugs."

A joke I made when I was a kid: Why do cops always smell?

Because they are always on duty!

They say that when you play a Microsoft CD backwards you can hear demonic voices....

but that's nothing. When you play it forwards it installs Windows!

An artist, accountant and engineer have lunch

The conversation turns to their lives, and then their partners and relationships.

The accountant says "Marriage for me. I love my wife, she's my rock, she's always there for me, I'm nothing without her. I owe her everything."

The artist says "I'd never marry. I am lost without my mistr...

I went to a wedding dance once

When the DJ played "Twist", I did the twist. When he played "Jump", of course I jumped. When he played "Come on Eileen", well, I ended up getting arrested.

I dinna do it ! Said the drunk man

An Irishman was drinking in a bar. He starts to get up and throws up on a shirt.

" oh no ! Now we wife is gonna know I drank to much"

Guy next to him says "nah your okay. Here's what you do. Put a fiver in your pocket and throw the shirt on the laundry pile. When your wife finds it te...

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When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it's funny as a motherfucker

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An elderly couple sought help from a Sex Therapist.

They both told the therapist how much they both missed "that spark" that they had early in their relationship. The therapist asked some more general questions and give them a "homework" assignment before their next session. The couple happily went on their way and returned next week. The therapist t...

What does a chair say to another?

Nothing, because chairs don't speak.


(When I created this joke I laughed at it for a week)

Not too shabby...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
...

Husband and wife are in a bar when the wife sees her ex boyfriend

She says to her husband, ‘see that drunk, I turned down his proposal 10 years ago.
Husband looks at his wife, looks at the guy and sighs, ‘that explains why he is still celebrating’

what do you call it when you get avocado in your eye?

guacoma.

(Sorry if this is a repost) when does a dad joke become a dark joke?

When it leaves for milk and never comes back

My brother got all his properties taken way and thrown in jail last night

When he was in jail he threw feces all over the walls..

That was the last time we played monopoly.

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A couple of India originated jokes

*****
What is the way to the cemetery?

Go straight and take the last rite
*****

2 men from Kerala get onto a bus in New York. They sit down & engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next 2 them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears...

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences dow...

When I was younger, I was told my Prime would come at around 26 or 27 years old.

They lied though, I'm 28 and still can't afford my own account.

What do you call it when a priest orders something wrong?

A clerical error

Weekend working!

My boss asked if I could work this weekend.

I replied "yes but I may be late as public transport on a weekend is slow"

He asked "when will you be in?"

I replied "Monday" lol

A man goes into a town he's never seen before

He finds someone to give him a tour, but as he's lead around the town, everything is so strange. Finally, the tour guide brings him to a big building. "This is the train station" he says. The man from out of town says "Finally something normal". But when he goes in there's just a bunch of drawers. H...

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Dirty Grandma

Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked:

“Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to a...

"An interesting title" doesn't sparks interest

Two men are walking down the street when they happen upon a dog licking his balls, The first man says " Boy, I wish I could do that" The second guy says" I tried once and he bit me".

Same service...

A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring me water and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it\`s all different. I come home, the dog brings the water and my wife runs around barki...

How to catch a Polar Bear

First, you go out onto the ice and cut a nice big hole. Then your take a can of peas and place them all around the hole.

Then when the bear goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!

I despise when homeless people shake their coin cups at me.

Look, I get it. You have more money than me. No need to rub it in my face.

What advice did Obi-Wan give Luke when Luke’s marriage was falling apart?

“Use divorce, Luke”

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.

Mary had a little lamb.

A man is getting dressed in the gym locker room when the cellphone on the bench next to him begins to ring.

He answers, "Hello?"

"Hi, honey. I'm at that furniture store and, I know we talked about this before, but that dining room set is on sale for $900 and I just don't think I can pass it up this time-"

"Don't worry about it, babe," replied the man. "If it's on sale, you go ahead and pick ...

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A lady, a guy and a lad and their love

There was this guy, mid to late twenties, black hair, just average next door type of guy. He's a honest worker who worked his way up in his job and makes a decent living for a man of his age. When he was a kid he was not extremely sharp and people would make fun of his stupidity. But he didn't care ...

An old Russian WW2 joke

This is an old Russian WW2 joke that my grandfather loved to tell.

During high-casualty battles between Germans and Russians, the Russian general gets surprised by the commander of a tiny platoon who wants to hand over hundreds of German prisoners. When investigating the prisoners closer, h...

this has a interesting twist

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention ...

The Pig With a Wooden Leg

A TV reporter became lost on the back roads and stopped at a farm to get directions. As he was talking to the farmer he noticed a pig with a wooden leg.

“This could be a great story for the Six O’Clock News. How did that pig lose his leg?” he asked the farmer. “Well”, said the farmer, “that’s...

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist.

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting on a Starbucks patio across from an abandoned building when a car pulls up, and two people get out and enter the building.

A few minutes go by, three people exit the building, get into the car and drive off.

"Hmm," says the physi...

Simple cure for ED...

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an mysterious medicine man living nearby who was rumoured to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the location on the certificate and saw this medicine man....

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they gi...

One day, a mathematician was found dead in his office....

When they investigated they found he had died of dehydration, slumped over an untranslated copy of Homer's Iliad that had been sent to him by mistake.
Scrawled on the margins were the words "This is the most complicated equation I have ever seen"

A doctor's receptionist is working away when she sees a nun running out of the doctor's office in floods of tears.

"whats up with her?" asked the receptionist.

"Oh, I told her she was pregnant", answered the doctor.

"Oh, no! That's terrible".

"Don't worry," said the doctor, "she's not, but it's cured her hiccups".

An older woman is doing the dishes, when her husband walks up behind her and slaps her rear end.

“If you could firm this up, you wouldn’t need a girdle!” He says.

She turns around and grabs is crotch

“If you could firm this up, I wouldn’t need your brother!”

What is it called when you hook up with a chicken?

A poultry

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I was on PornHub the other day and there was an ad that read: 'free asian asshole pics'.

When I clicked on it it was just a picture of Xi Jinping.

On his cake day, the man swims across the river

When he is in the middle of the river, suddenly a loud voice out of nowhere asks: “plus two or minus two?”
The man decides that more is better than less and says : “plus two”.
At first it looks like nothing happened, but when he gets out of the water, he releases he now has 4 balls.
The man...

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a cook?

A Sue Chef.

How does a Redditor get karma when they don’t deserve it?

Piece of cake

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Big Game Hunter goes to Siberia to hunt Russian Bear

When he arrives on the train station (probably the only one in Siberia) he is greeted by the village hunter/gatherer/provider who has a very mangy, tiny, old dog leashed with a massive iron chain.
\-"Right, I'll help you." says the native "Here's what we're going to need: A great big blow horn,...

What do you call it when a tree betrays its best friend?

Tree-son

3 guys checked into the hotel

Their room was on the 45th floor and administrator 1warned them, that elevator works just till 12pm. They left all bags at the room and went to the restaurant. When they arrived, the elevator was no longer working and they had to walk by foot. so it won't be so boring, they desided to tell some joke...

An old man goes to confession.

He tells the priest that on Friday night, he'd been in the bar when he started talking to three girls nearby. "Maybe twenty-two, two blondes and a redhead. One had legs, one had knockers like you wouldn't believe, and the last had all the right curves. I started lusting, Father."


"Yes," s...

"What do we want?!?"

"Hearing aids!"

"When do we want them?!"

"Hearing aids!"

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Surprise!

The farmer and his wife are entertaining the local bigwigs when their son runs in and announces to his father in a loud voice, “Dad, dad, the bull’s fucking the cow.” After a moment of shocked silence, the farmer turns to his son and calmly says, “Next time, son, be a little less explicit. ...

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A judge challenges the local doctor to tell him whether there people are mad or not.

The three people enter the doctor's chamber and take their seats.

The flustered doctor decides to ask them the same question.

Doctor:- 1 bag has 3 balls. How many balls are there in 3 bags?

Man 1:- Is the ball black? Is the bag red? Is the bag tied with a string? When we imagine...

What do you call it when two horses date?

A stable relationship

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A young boy's mum gives him their last possession: a duck

She tells him "Don't you dare come back til you've gotten a good price for that duck."

Off he goes to the market. On the way there, he's stopped by a prostitute. She propositions him and he's unable to resist.

"But, ma'am, I've only got a duck."

"How much it worth?"

"My m...

Washing hands

(Joke was funnier before covid)

A soldier and a sailor are at a bar near where they are both stationed. They are standing next to each other at urinals and the soldier gets done first and washes his hands. The sailor gets done and goes right toward the door instead of washing his hands
...

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A need satisfied

Just one request



When Johnny was young his Auntie and Uncle lived with him and his parents. Auntie watched Johnny during the day while his parents worked. Uncle worked out of town for long stretches and it was a good situation for everyone.
Johnny would come home from school in th...

An elderly Australian woman is visiting her son in the US for his birthday.

She arrives at LAX early in the morning and arranges to drive to his house, in New Orleans, in order to “take in the scenery” and see what the American South has to offer.

She drives at a leisurely pace, and stops at scenic viewpoints whenever possible, knowing she has some time to get to he...

What did Simba say to his dad when he was walking slowly?

Mufasa

I think the vaccine is making me magnetic!

When I put a piece of tape on my skin it stuck to me!

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Amazing Apples

A man and his wife are walking through the state fair, when he notices something that clearly has to be a mistake. Taped to a table full of big beautiful apples is a sign that reads, 'Amazing Apples $10 each'. So the man tells the proprietor, "Excuse me sir but I think you made a mistake" pointing ...

Shrimp

John: hey Joe what do you call it when a shrimp kills other shrimp?

Joe: I don't know what?

John: A krilling!

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Two Croats and a Serb get on a plane.

They're seated next to each other the Serb having the aisle seat.

He gets comfortable for the flight and takes his shoes off, when one of the Croats says:

"Fuck, I'm thirsty, I could use a coke," he starts to get up, when the Serb interrupts him.

"No, no, no. Sit down, we're bro...

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A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

I heard 2 older married couples talking when one of the men told the other he went to a great restaurant.

When he was asked what it was called he looked puzzled and said "what's that flower, the one people always give?"

"A rose?"

"Yes! Rose, that's it" he then looks at the woman beside him "hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?"

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I wish -

### A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.


“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.


The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.


“How mu...

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NSFW When it comes to anal sex, my wife is like a pirate

She doesn't like to give up the booty.

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What’s common between smoking and eating pussy?

The flavor changes when you reach the butt.


Source: Facebook

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What time is it ?

I took my 13-year-old son with me to a large charity barbecue. A few thousand people there and several different rib joints you can sample. It was awesome, the food was fantastic.

There was also a large beer tent that had a band with many people in it. Band was pretty good the music while peo...

A local law enforcement officer stops a car

for traveling faster than the speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor guy a break and give him a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

“Fred,” he replies.

“Fred what?” the officer asks.

“Just Fred,” the man responds....

Do you know why so many Italians are named Tony?

Because when the immigrated to America, they put stickers on their lapels with To N.Y.

What do you call Bojack Horseman when he moves in next door?

Your neighbor.

WHO investigators wanted to talk to the Wuhan scientists.

When they arrived to Wuhan Institute of Virology CCP officials informed them that unfortunately all the scientists have died after eating poison mushrooms.



WHO investigators were suspicious so they demanded that they exhume the bodies of dead scientists and check if they really died ...

What did the three legged cowboy's dog say when he walked into Dodge city?

I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!

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Remembered this joke a while ago, and didn't see it on this sub, so decided to share.

Before the start of the lesson, the girls from Johnny's class come to see the teacher to complain about Johnny's inappropriate comments towards them.

The teacher told the girls to walk out of the class the next time they get offended by one of Johnny's comments and she will then deal with him...

Everyone laughed when I said I want to be a comedian.

Well no one is laughing now!

A man was walking down the street and he saw a monkey jumping up and down on a manhole

The monkey would jump on the manhole while saying “Forty two, forty two, forty two”. The man was curious and went to investigate.

When prompted, the monkey said nothing of his actions. The man decided to do what the monkey had done, and jumped several times on the manhole saying “Forty two, ...

A man got hired as a freight train conductor. He wasn't very good and was responsible for significant losses of cargo, but he kept covering it up.

At one point he murdered another man who knew what was happening, and soon he started killing more threats to his position as conductor.

But a few years passed, and the conductor's murder record was discovered. Given the severity of his crimes, he was sentenced to death by electric chair....

My girlfriend hates it when I don't eat her favorite food...

... and she always gets Jellos.

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