The 159+ Best When Jokes

TIFU when my wife asked when I knew I loved her.

I said "We were in Rome, the way you knew so much about the city like it was second nature to you. But I never felt you were condescending to me when I'd ask stupid questions. I saw how much you knew, how passionate you could be. I'd been bored by all the old buildings, but you brought it all to lif...

Yo Mama so fat, when she breaks a plate…

It’s usually of the tectonic variety.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Women,When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute failed to open?

Brought it back for a refund.

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me

or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you say "poop" your mouth moves the same way your anus does when you poop.

The same is true for the phrase "explosive diarrhea."

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

When my girlfriend got pregnant everything changed

My address, my phone number..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

When I die, I want my remains scattered over Disney World.

Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

"When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat..."

the vowels."

Friend: "Why?"

Me: "Sometimes."

A joke I remember making up when I was 7 : What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mushrooms

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

My phone ran out of space.

When I was growing up # was pound, not hashtag

Good thing it changed, since "pound metoo" would've been sending the wrong message

What did the Indian kid say to his parents when he left for school

Mum bai

When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...

'T. Hanks - For the Memories'

When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.

I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.

That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

When you are born you actually have 4 kidneys.

But as you get older, two of them turn into adult knees

What did Charizard say when he saw Pikachu

Charizard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin is sitting in his office when his telephone rings

"Hallo, Mr. Putin!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well, Paddy," Putin replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right...

When I was young, I was poor.

After many years of hard work, I am no longer young.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW]I Was Surprised When My deadbeat roommate actually had rent money on time

"Yeah, man, I got a job."

"Doing what?," I asked.

"I hang out in the alley and give blow jobs."

"Sounds like a hard way to make money."

"Nah, man, my very first night I made $300.05"

I scoffed, "Who paid you a nickel?"

He said, "They all did."

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a cockpit when the pilots are female?

The box office.

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone...

He saw he had 10 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

What do you get when you spell “man” backwards?

Flashbacks.

Jesus was wandering the desert, when he met an old man.

"What brings you to the desert?" asked Jesus.

"I'm looking for my son. I lost him many years ago."

"How did you lose him? What happened?"

"I had one son- not by birth, by a heavenly miracle. He had tremendous struggles with temptation. At one point, he even died, and came back ...

When I was young, there were only 25 letters in the alphabet.

Nobody knew why.

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

When you pull a pin out of a grenade, how do you put it back?

Urgent and quick answers, plea

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door..

In a panic she told her lover “Hurry, stand in the corner. Don’t move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

At the moment her husband walked into the room. “What’s this, honey?” he asked.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths b...

When you die what body part dies last?

The pupils, they dilate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Japanese people do when they have erection?

They vote.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was incredibly mad when she found out I have been visiting prostitutes for sex

I said “Well you can hardly blame me, it’s not like I was getting any from you!”

She yelled, “But I didn’t know you were willing to pay for it!”

You know you’re a 90s kid when...

your vaccinations were mandatory and no one in your class got measles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two economists are walking in a forest when they Come across a pile of shit.

Two economists are walking in a forest when they Come across a pile of shit.

The first economist says to the other "Ill pay you $100 to eat that pile of shit." The second economist takes the $100 and eats the pile of shit.

They continue walking until they come across a second pile of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the ba...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What should you reply when a bully asks you ''Why are you so fat?

Everytime i fuck your mom she gives me a cookie.

Have you ever noticed how most Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put "anal" in front of them?

Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger, Focus

What do you get when you spell "man" backwards?

Flashbacks

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom

I guess that's why they call me handsome...

When is the Bible accurate?

When it's thrown from a short distance.

I hate when people don’t know the difference between “you’re” and “your”..

There stupid.

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just read that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden

How the fuck am I meant to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

When wearing a bikini, women reveals 96% of their body.

But the men are so polite, they only look at the covered parts.

What did Neil Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes?

“I guess you had to be there.”

How do you call it when two short people do 69?

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement.

What do you use when you haven't got a condom?

A fake name.

What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money?

Patreon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL Pigeons die when they have sex

At least the one I fucked did

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

How does a redditor get karma when they don’t deserve it?

Piece of cake

I hate when people ask how I see myself in 3 years

I don’t have 2020 vision

This is the only day you can upvote this

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.

A man and woman are going at it, when they hear a car out front.

The woman quickly says

"Hurry, out the window, it's my husband."

Frightened, the man grabs his jocks and starts trying to get them on whilst climbing out the window.

Suddenly, he turns around and states

"Hang on, I'm your husband. Why would you do that to me?"

To w...

What did the Russian billionaire say when checking in at a hotel?

I'd like a room on the first floor, please.

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Why when a lawyer dies, they bury them 12 feet in the ground?

Because deep deep down, lawyers are good people.

Every time when I ask someone what does LGBT stand for,

I never get a straight answer.

What did Mario say to Peach when they broke up?

It's not you, it's a me a Mario!

So old Jed is screwing his goat when a neighbor witnesses this unspeakable act of bestiality.

The neighbor calls the cops, and Jed is arrested. Jed goes to a lawyer, explains the case, and the lawyer says, "I can defend you for $5,000."

"What's the point?" says Jed. "My neighbor witnessed the whole thing. Why should I waste $5,000? They're gonna find me guilty for sure."

"Don...

What does a politician do when it dies?

It lies still.

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am sorry, too.

What happens when you finger a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

When I visited Australia, the immigration officer asked me if I had a criminal record…

Confused, I replied, “Oh, is that still required?”

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open..

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

The whole family are having breakfast together when…

The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.

His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer,"...

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Johnny Depp's bed say when Amber Heard walked in?

You've got to be shitting me.

Most people are shocked when they find out...

...how incompetent I am as an electrician.

I Dyed A Bit When I Wrote This

Many years ago, I came home from work one day and noticed my fiance had dyed her hair.

“Purple, really?”

“Fushia”

“What’s the difference?”

“Fuschia is purple with some red and pink in it., It’s not really purple.”

I gave her a hard time for a long time, until she g...

When Trump borrows $1,000,000 from his dad it's a small loan

But when he donates that much money to Texas, it's a yuuuge contribution

What do you get, when you cross an Eldritch Horror, with an E-Girl?

CthUwU.

Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?

I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.

If you were 8 years old when “Red Red Wine” was released

UB40 now

In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.

And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music comin...

What's it called when a chameleon can't change its colors anymore?

A reptile dysfunction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you think about it, a vagina is a lot like a university.

They're both a lot easier to get into, if you're rich or an athlete.

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body.

As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Melania need to be on top when she and Trump have sex?

Because Trump can only fuck up.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Dentist always dumb questions like “when’s the last time you flossed?”

Like bro you were there wtf

Funny when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud...

But when a girl sleeps with a tons of guys, somehow I am not one of them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is flying a plane over the Amazon, when he suddenly crashes….

But he’s ok, don’t worry. He’s staggering through the jungle when he suddenly realizes he’s surrounded by bloodthirsty savages. And he thinks, “Man, I am totally fucked.”

“No”, a voice booms out from the heavens, “You’re not fucked.”

The voice continues, “Listen to me very carefully. G...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘d...

What happens when you put a lot of LGBT people in a long line?

You get a LGBTQ.

What do you get when you try to crossbreed a human and a moose?

Arrested apparently

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting on his couch when the doorbell rings

He opens the door and there is a young man standing there.

"Hello. My name is Tobias. I'm here to fuck your daughter."

The man can't believe his ears: "To what?!"

"Tobias"

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!

In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Po...

A 911 operator is sitting at her desk when she gets a call.

"911 What's your emergency?" She answers.

"My friend and I were walking through the woods when he just collapsed. I think he died." A man responds. He is very nervous

"Ok, calm down. First, make sure he's dead." The operator replies.

There's a silence on the phone. Then, there's...

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...

What do you get when you cross elephant DNA with Human DNA?

A lifetime ban from the zoo.

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60...

Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it called when you buy prostitutes in bulk?

Holesale

I hate it when people use "you're" and "your" incorrectly

There so dumb

What do you get when you combine human DNA with seal DNA?

You get banned from SeaWorld.

My friend was shocked when I told him I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means.

I said “Relax. It’s not the end of the world.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. “Twenty bucks,” she says...

He’s never been with a prostitute before, so excitedly he says, what the hell

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them—it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indign...

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"

"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple were sitting at their dinner table when the wife says, "I cannot believe it!"

The husband looks up and asks, "you can't believe what?"

The wife turns her phone around and shows him what she was reading.

"Did you know, in Las Vegas, you can make $400 just for giving a BJ! Easy money! Fuck you, I'm out of here!"

She goes to the bedroom and starts packing a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.

One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”

When a kid says

When a kid says " Daddy, I want mommy", that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor."

A burglar breaks into a house. He begins to search the home for valuables when hears a quiet voice say

“Jesus is watching you” he dismisses it as paranoia and carries on with his crime. He hears the voice again “Jesus is watching you”. He’s knows this time it’s not in his head so he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner. He walks over to the parrot and it repeats one more time “Jesus...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when Donald Trump takes Viagra?

He grows taller.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I found out they had found a cure for dyslexia I was like.....

Music to my arse!

I hate it when people subtly flex where they went to college

I have this friend who went to Harvard and he just won’t shut tf up about it. He’s always been like this, even when we were in college together.

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.

I lost Interest in that relationship.

How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them.

You won't catch me doing that today.

When I was a lumberjack I cut down 21,453 trees.

I know this because I kept a log.

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "wasps of the world, and the sounds they make". Intrigued, he walks into the store.
He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely

Since then I've got a dog, I bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drugs and drink. She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching the news this morning when the presenter said..

"A man has been arrested after half a million indecent images of children were found at his home in Bradford. Our reporter Gary O'Donoghue has more."

Gary, you filthy bastard.

An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in

"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"

"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.

"No, only one."

He starts cleaning the rifle again.

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

So it’s ok when a season does it…

How come when spring comes early everyone gets excited, but when I do it my wife cheats on me with the neighbor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What to you call it when you get a boner at a funeral?

Mourning Wood

Do you guys remember when I told you about my spine issue?

It was about a week back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two 9/11 conspiracy theorists are in a plane when it crashes

An instant later they find themselves in the afterlife, being judged by Almighty God Himself.

One falls to his knees, "I deplore you, all-powerful Creator of the universe! Before you judge me, I humbly beg you, reveal who was behind the September 11 attacks!"

God sighs. "Muslim extremi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to her husband Johnny:

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

Johnny replies. "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues. "Yeah, I've been with one other guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a group of people masturbates together?

Massturbation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my doctor when we could anticipate an end to the coronavirus epidemic

He said “I don’t know. I’m not really into politics.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

For Valentine's Day, my wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine when dressed up as a nurse.

At last, I got to roleplay having access to healthcare.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband on a work trip when decides to call his wife at home...

A woman the husband doesn't recognize picks up the phone.

"Who is this?" asks the husband.

"I'm the maid. I was hired yesterday," says the maid.

"Ah. Could you put my wife on the phone?" asks the husband

"No, she's busy having sex with someone in the room upstairs," repli...

What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive

Trying to act surprised.

When cops arrest a clinically insane person...

...are they busting a nut?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgirn"
"WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her da...

A little girl was walking home from school when a man on a motorcycle pulled up beside her.

Man: Hey little girl, want to ride on the back of my motorcycle?

Girl: No.

Man: Come on sweetie, I'll give you five dollars if you ride with me.

Girl: Get away from me or I'll call the cops.

Man: How about twenty dollars, just get on the back with me.

Girl: (Starts...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?

Relative Humidity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross Viagra and Donald Trump???

Erection Fraud.

Dont hate me.

My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday.

I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass.

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two women along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one women, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor women replied. "We have to eat gras...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got "I love you" tattooed on my penis.

She just shook her head and said, "There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth."

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy

It’s not like I did anything

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher revealed himself to them.

The first old lady had a stroke.

The second old lady had a stroke.

The third old lady couldn't reach far enough.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

A man has his mother-in-law move in with him when she lost her job.

About a week later, he returns home from his job and finds her laying on the floor, unconscious. He calls 911, the ambulance comes and takes her off to the hospital.

He calls his wife and tells her she may have to cut her business trip short, but he'll keep her posted.

He gets to the ...

My friend really changed when she became a vegetarian...

it's like I've never seen herbivore.

Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex...

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.