UPJOKE
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When Jokes

Yo Mama so fat, when she breaks a plate…

It’s usually of the tectonic variety.

What did the Indian kid say to his parents when he left for school

Mum bai

When I was young, there were only 25 letters in the alphabet.

Nobody knew why.

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Superman is taking an evening stroll past the church when the Minister runs down the steps calling for his help.

"Superman, we need your help, a wall has collapsed in the basement, some workmen are trapped!" says the Minister.

"No way" said Superman "I'm not going near the crypt tonight".

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight

“This is exciting!” the guy thought. “I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope!

In the beginning, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Po...

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My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got "I love you" tattooed on my penis.

She just shook her head and said, "There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth."

TIFU when my wife asked when I knew I loved her.

I said "We were in Rome, the way you knew so much about the city like it was second nature to you. But I never felt you were condescending to me when I'd ask stupid questions. I saw how much you knew, how passionate you could be. I'd been bored by all the old buildings, but you brought it all to lif...

A man and woman are going at it, when they hear a car out front.

The woman quickly says

"Hurry, out the window, it's my husband."

Frightened, the man grabs his jocks and starts trying to get them on whilst climbing out the window.

Suddenly, he turns around and states

"Hang on, I'm your husband. Why would you do that to me?"

To w...

When I die, I want my remains scattered over Disney World.

Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Walmart when they collide...

The first old guy says to the second guy,

'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'

The second old guy says,

'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little des...

What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute failed to open?

Brought it back for a refund.

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Just read that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden

How the fuck am I meant to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Where does a Viking clown go when they die?

To ValHaHa.

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A man and his 13 yr old son are in the pharmacy when his son sees the condom display

"Dad", the son says, "what are those for?

"Well, those are for when a man and woman love each other and want to have safe intercourse.

"Oh", the son says, "Why do they have a three-pack?"

"That's for a college junior: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday morning"....

For Valentine's Day, my wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine when dressed up as a nurse.

At last, I got to roleplay having access to healthcare.

What five-letter word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?

Short.

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My wife was incredibly mad when she found out I have been visiting prostitutes for sex

I said “Well you can hardly blame me, it’s not like I was getting any from you!”

She yelled, “But I didn’t know you were willing to pay for it!”

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A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day"....

I just invented a car that only moves when the driver is silent.

I mean, it goes without saying…

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am sorry, too.

When does a joke turn into a dad joke?

When it becomes apparent

My mom used to tuck me in when I was young

She wanted a daughter so bad

A man was driving down the road when an officer stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of the man’s truck and said, “Why are these penguins in your truck?”
The man replied, “These are my penguins. They belong to me.”
“You need to take them to the zoo,” the officer said.
The next day, the officer saw the same guy driving down the road. He pulled ...

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

Well, they're not laughing now!

sources say it was raining when JFK embarked on his motorcade and yet he decided to go in a convertible..

Makes you wonder what was going through his head.

When I heard that terrorists were killing farmers by putting C4 in their cattle I was horrified...

It's abombinabull!

Where do horse go when they get sick?

To the horse-pital.

>! Just kidding, they get shot. !<

What did Cinderella do when she reached the ball? :P

She gagged. >\_<

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!" He replied, "Of course! Take the afternoon off." When I returned to work the next day, he came to my desk, smiled and asked, "Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?" I shrugged, "I don't know..."

"I'll tell you in nine months!"

A sperm asked another sperm what it wants to be when it grows up..

The other sperm answered: I will become.

When you go to the hospital, where do they insert the IV for fluids?

In your forearm.

Yo Mama so fat that when she slid into my DMs….

My phone ran out of space.

What does a politician do when it dies?

It lies still.

What did the Russian billionaire say when checking in at a hotel?

I'd like a room on the first floor, please.

A man lay dying in his bed in the upstairs bedroom when all of a sudden...

...he could smell his favorite cookie in the whole world: chocolate chip. His mouth watering, he slowly made his way out of bed and crawled to the stairs, where he painstakingly went down step by aching step. At the bottom of the stairs he sat down to rest. After a moment, the smell of the cooki...

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A man was having a pee at a urinal in Jamaica when a local man joined him..

"What is that tattoo you have on your penis?" Says the local man

"Oh, it says WY now because it was the name of my ex girlfriend, Wendy, so when I get an erection it says her name.." says the man.

"Take a look at this" the Jamaican shows the man his penis, also having WY on his penis.....

"When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat..."

the vowels."

Friend: "Why?"

Me: "Sometimes."

Three men are in the middle of a desert when their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them.

One man takes a jug of water. The second man takes a sandwich. The last man takes one of the car doors.

The first man says to the last man: "I'm bringing the water because if I get thirsty, I can take a drink. And it makes sense to bring a sandwich in case we get hungry, but why bring a car d...

What did 50-cent do when he was hungry?

58

What is the worst thing you can say when someone points a gun at you?

Oh, shoot!

What’s it called when a woman pokes a hole in a condom?

A Trojan horse

What do you call it when a group of cheeses start fighting?

A fromage fray.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

My favourite childhood memory with my grandad is when i was building a sand castle with him...

...until my mom took the urn back.

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Two men in a car are driving down the street when the driver rolls a stop sign.

Unfortunately a police officer notices this and proceeds to pull the vehicle over. The officer exits the patrol car, baton in hand, and walks up to the drivers door. The officer taps on the glass motioning for the driver to roll down the window.

As soon as the driver complies the officer smac...

My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday.

I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.

What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?

Diabetes.

What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day?

^btw ^I ^waited ^1 ^whole ^year ^to ^tell ^this ^joke

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A brave and fearsome pirate sailed toward a small island, in search for buried treasure. He and his crew raced ahead in their rowboat, eagerly awaiting a massive payday. When they shortly came upon a large forest, they searched desperately for the last clue on the map.

As the first mate guided them carefully up to a clearing, he stopped suddenly and pointed at a crouched figure straight ahead.

The captain gasped.

"...Carol??"

"Hey, loser," she droned, relieving herself between two pines. "I see you're still looking for buried treasure like a c...

A man and his wife are travelling through the United States, when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimee.

They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it. "KISS-a-me," says the husband. "That's wrong," says the wife, "The right way to say it is kis-A-me." "Not necessarily," says the husband, "It could also be kis-a-ME."

Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide t...

A burglar breaks into a house. He begins to search the home for valuables when hears a quiet voice say

“Jesus is watching you” he dismisses it as paranoia and carries on with his crime. He hears the voice again “Jesus is watching you”. He’s knows this time it’s not in his head so he looks around the room and sees a parrot in the corner. He walks over to the parrot and it repeats one more time “Jesus...

What does Groot say when he wants to say hi?

"Grooten tag"

The other day I learned about the Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon, which is when increased awareness of something causes you to create the illusion of it happening more frequently

I’ve been seeing a lot more examples of it lately

What do you call it when Al Gore dances?

An algorithm

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k?

HDMI

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When are men the smartest, before, during, or after sex?

During, because we're plugged into a know-it-all.

I was out cow tipping the other day, and I pushed over the first cow, no big deal. When I went to push over the second one it went to the ground and came back up at me!

It turned its head, and said, "We bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

What did Archimedes say when he peed in the bath?

UREA!!!

What do you get when you cross the Titanic and the Atlantic Ocean?

Halfway.

A man is driving home from work when he gets a call from his wife.

"Be careful on the road, honey. I heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the highway."

"It's not just one car," he responds, "it's hundreds of them!"

When a clock is hungry...

It goes back four seconds.

Where did the guinea pig end up when it came out of the closet?

Gnawnia

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When are men the smartest?

During sex. Thats when they are connected to the main computer.

An attorney was working late one night in his office when, suddenly, Satan appeared before him.

The Devil made him an offer. “I will make it so you win every case that you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will worship you, your colleagues will be in awe, and you will make enormous amounts of money. But, in return, you must give me your soul, your wife’s soul, the souls of your child...

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

What do you call it when someone makes you an impressive and expensive feast without asking your permission first?

Pre-sumptuous.

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate

is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is “The Love Machine”.

It’s because I’m terrible at tennis.

Two men are walking when they suddenly find $500 laying on the street

They decide to keep the money for themselves. The first man says: 'We should split it fifty fifty'

The other one replies: 'What about the remaining $400?'

What do you call it when an alligator accidentally calls someone?

A pockatdile

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing….

but mean your mother…. I mean “another.”

when my girlfriend got pregnant everything changed

My name , my address, my phone number..

What’s it called when a furry says they’re sorry?

An anthropology.

what did Einstein say when he attended the Alabama orgie?

"It's all relatives"

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And, your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name....

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver replies, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting, the driver's wife says, "Now don't be silly, dear. You know that this car doesn't have cruise...

What happens when you don't get any upvotes on your cake day....

You feel desserted.

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What do you call it when you put arsenic in the coffee can at work?

Grounds for termination.

What do you get when you mix scoobie snacks and weed

A Scoobie Doobie

A British trawler is sailing off the coast of Germany when suddenly the ship starts taking in water.

The ship is sinking fast and the captain immediately gets on the radio to contact the German coast guard.

"Help!" he exclaims, "We're sinking! We're sinking!"

A hesistant voice comes from the radio. "Um...v-vot are you sinking about?"

What do you get when you mix holy water with laxatives?

A religious movement

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter...

Dear Ma & Pa,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6 am. But...

What do you call it when you let your opponent attack both your king and queen in chess?

A royal fork-up

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Classic Catholic Joke, “The Son of a Bitch”

I’ve been Catholic all of my life, and this is one of my favorite jokes of all time.

One of the parish priests from the Cathedral went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the ...

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

What did Richard III say when the snowstorm stranded him several miles from his campsite?

Now is the winter of our distant tent

I hate it when people use metaphors that are physically impossible.

It makes my blood boil.

What did the baker say when he messed up his recipe?

Dough!

What happens when someone slaps you at high frequency?

It hertz

I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.

I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.

Man was walking on the road late at night when he was attacked by two muggers

He put up a brave fight, but ultimately the muggers overpowered and beat him up, then proceeded to go through his pockets.

"There's only $5 in his pocket" said one of them.

"You just fought like hell for $5!?" asked the second one incredulously.

"$5? I thought you were after the...

How old is Odin when he dies?

Hela old.

What did the buffalo say when he dropped his son off at school?

Bison

When you tell a joke that's so funny that HR wants to hear it again.

Nothing to see here, carry on.

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A guy is sitting on his couch one day watching TV when he hears a knock on the door...

He answers the door, and at first, he doesn't see anyone around. He looks around and finally sees a little tiny turtle standing there. Annoyed, he picks up the turtle and chucks it as far as he can.

Five years later, he's sitting on his couch watching TV, and he hears a knock on the door. He ...

What does garlic do when it’s hot…

It takes its cloves off

What do you get when you throw an elephant in the pool?

Wet.

What do you get when you throw two elephants in the pool?

Swimming trunks.

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What do you get when you cross a human with a couch?

A Homosectional.

What do you eat when you’re cold and angry?

A BRRRR GRRRRR.

Yo mama's so fat, when she fell...

I didn't laugh, but the ground cracked up

When I was young, I decided to go to medical school…

At the entrance exam, we were asked to re-arrange the letters:

P N E I S

to form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are on Facebook.

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What is it called when two chess grandmasters have sex in Prague?

Czechmate.

when is a door not a door?

When it's ajar

When my friend handed me a peach, I told him I prefer pears.

So he handed me another one...

When Kanye says “to find out who rules over you, look at who you cannot criticize”, does he mean…

kids with leukaemia? or battered wives?

what do you get when you cross a Jewish person ?

Christianity

How do blind people know when to open their parachute?

When the dog's leash goes slack.

When the doctor delivered my son. He announced he's going to be a farmer!

I asked how he could tell.
He said, "because he's crying already."

What did the fish say when it hit the wall?

Dam

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When I was ill, this woman kept me safe and provided me with a hot beverage made from a stallion's urine that she found in a narrow place.



Lady...if you're reading this,

thanks for the horse piss alley tea.

A man is about to walk into a bar known for having lots of beautiful women, when a bouncer stops him at the door.

The bouncer says, "We have a dress policy where ties are mandatory for men, and you are just wearing a shirt that's open at the collar. So sorry, I can't let you in."

So the man returns to his vehicle, to see if he has a tie anywhere. Sadly, he doesn't, but while looking, he notices a set o...

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

What did the circle say when the square kept asking him a question?

Wait a secant

My dad worked as a clown. When he died I didn’t want to follow his work.

It left big shoes to fill.

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What do you get when you cross a pickle with a deer?

A dildo.

When I make a pizza for a bar customer I always ask them if I should cut it into six pieces or eight

Because some people aren't hungry enough to eat eight pieces. That joke isn't very funny. I guess pizza jokes are all about the delivery.

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A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat.

The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while taking out his water bottle from his school bag. Once he got close...

What did 50 Cent say to his Grandmother when she made him a sweater?

Gee, you knit?

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

What do you get when you cross an orca with a housecat?

An angry ethics committee and your grant revoked.

When my wife died I couldn’t shower alone for 12 years.

But I’m out of prison now!

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What’s the one thing you don’t want to hear when giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

“I’m not Willie Nelson.”

A _solar_eclipse is when the moon is between the Earth and the Sun. A _lunar_ eclipse is when the earth is between the Moon and the Sun. What’s it called when the sun is between the moon and the earth?

The apocalypse…

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together

Einstein, Newton and Pascal play hide and seek together.

It's Einstein's turn to count, and he closes his eyes. After counting to 10, Pascal runs away and hides.

Newton, on the other hand, very calmly draws a square on the ground, 1 meter on each side, in front of the place that Einste...

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What did the pony say to its mother when it got sick?

“I’m just a little hoarse”

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A Sexy Girl in a Party Asked a Retired Army Colonel:When did you last have sex ?

Colonel:1955.

She Said: That Was So Long Ago ! Wanna Have Some Now ?

The Colonel Looked at His Watch: Sure, Why Not
Its Only 2130 !!!

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Vincent Van Gogh, Pablo Picasso, Claude Monet, and Leonardo De Vinci are all eating at a nice restaurant when the waitress comes around with the bill.

They’d all ordered the same item and had previously agreed to split the bill four ways.

When they looked at the check, however, they saw that the 10% gratuity would not split evenly, so one of them would end up paying an extra $0.01.

“We should have an art competition to decide,” Da Vi...

When I look at my wife, she reminds me of the Universe

As she gets older, she gets wider and less hot.

A little girl was walking home from school when a man on a motorcycle pulled up beside her.

Man: Hey little girl, want to ride on the back of my motorcycle?

Girl: No.

Man: Come on sweetie, I'll give you five dollars if you ride with me.

Girl: Get away from me or I'll call the cops.

Man: How about twenty dollars, just get on the back with me.

Girl: (Starts...

When the paramedics asked if I knew my injured ex-girlfriend’s blood type, I gave them the wrong one.

Now she’ll get to know what rejection feels like

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What do you get when you cross a Jew and a coffee shop?

Hebrews

What is it Called when the Doctor have to tickle you to see if you're concious?

Test Tickle.

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What did Lily Potter ask James when he handed her divorce papers?

Are you fucking Sirius?

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When you slap Dwayne Johnson's ass

You truly have hit Rock Bottom

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What does a blind person say when washing a grater?

"That must be the stupidest shit I've ever read."

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Yo Momma's so fat, when she jumps up in the air

the government shoots her unidentified ass down.

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A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.


Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

Yo Momma is so fat...

When she's walking down the street, cops driving by scream out, "Hey you two --break it up!"

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I was so angry when I found out that one of my trucks carrying fertilizer went missing last night.

I lost my shit.

Where do rainbows go when they've been bad?

Prism.
It's a light sentence.

When struggling between which grey/gray to use…

Just remember this helpful tip:
Europe=grEy, America=grAy.... and for the Canadians, grEHy

What do you call it when a snake gets tangled up?

A reptile disfunction

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I lost my virginity when I was 18...

Luckily, I still have the box it came in

What did Lisa Marie say to Michael Jackson when she wasn't in the mood?

Just beat it.

I fear the day will come when Chuck Norris is no longer with us…

…that will be the day everyone dies except Chuck Norris.

What do horses do when they are not eating?

They are horsing around

Made up by my 5 year old daughter…

What did the Dutch horse say when he bumped into someone?

Paarden me

Where do cats stand when they want to buy a train ticket?

In the FEE-line.

What did one brick say to the other when he saw the mason?

We're finally going to get laid!

A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE: (the Washington Post competition)

I'll go first... I love you and the smell of your hair,Please don't be home when I get there.


EDIT- I have to say, the rhymes and creativity; you all are incredible, Now I have to wonder who's most edible...(no really great job to all)

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Two guys are sitting at a bar when one says to the other to stay for another drink

Man says, “I can’t. Every time I stay out late drinking my wife is furious.

I can’t even sneak in without her knowing. I shut off my car and headlights and coast into the driveway, open the door silently, creep up the stairs quiet as a mouse, take my clothes off in the bathroom and slide int...

A third grade teacher had her students ask their parents to tell them a story with a moral for their homework one day.

The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. But then the teacher realized that only Katie was left.

"Katie, do you have a story to share?"
''Yes ma'am... My daddy told me a story about my mom."
"OK, let's hear it," said the teacher.

"My mom was a...

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he’s being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the agent looks over his paperwork and says:

“The reason for your audit is that you live such a lavish lifestyle, yet not much income to justify it. Can you tell me what you do for a living...

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I get turned on when people leave...

I think I'm Byesexual!

I'm so fat, that when I went through airport security they didn't strip search me...

They burlesque searched me.

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So, I was just in the laundry room, scooping the cat box, when a little turd rolled under the washing machine.

I guess you could say I really lost my shit.

I hate when during a dinner party someone brings up how inhumane killing cows is.

They really know how to kill the moo

When people use metal detectors, they’re treasure hunters…

but when _I_ do it, I’m “a thief” and I “need to leave the war memorial.”

Double standards, man. I swear

Yo mama so ugly

When she sits on her phone, it unlocks.

A man is sleeping next to his wife, when he hears a loud knock on his door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens ...

I get a ringing in my ears when it gets dark.

It’s a condition called “tonightis”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our fucking car."

What’s the first thing Mrs Clause did when Santa got home on Christmas morning ?

Emptied his sack.




(Compliments of my 7 year old son)



Edit - No he did not understand what he was saying and Yes we did tell him not to repeat it.

What's the worst thing a girl can hear when she starts dating a doctor?...

"Ok, you're gonna feel a little prick..."

What did the blonde say when her boyfriend blew in her ear?

Thanks for the refill…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was young I spent my summers on my mean Auntie and Uncle's farm.

When I was 10 until I was 13, I spent my summers staying on my Auntie and Uncle's farm. My mom said it was to "build character" but really its because I was out of school and she was a single mother and had to work. Auntie and Uncle were not physically abusive but did tell me I was "trash" and all s...

What do the cows do when they're bored ?

Go to the moovies

What did Elton John say when he saw a muscular rabbit?

It’s a little fit bunny…

What does the judge say when someone farts during trial…

Odour in the court!!!

when you visit America, what will the temperature of the water be?

It depends what state it's in

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was getting bored with the sex life with her husband, and decided some sexy talk would spice things up. So one day when things are getting intimate she says to her husband, "say dirty things to me." The husband smiles, leans in and gently brushing his lips to her ear whispers...

"^the ^dishes, ^^the ^^living ^^room ^^carpet, ^^^behind ^^^the ^^^fridge"

What gets naked when you dress them?

Poultry.

What do you call it when a Jamaican chef cooks Hawaiian food?

Poké, mon!

What happens when you grill the chicken for 2 hours?

It will tell us why it crossed the road.

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed.

I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when the wife claimed that her and her husband hadn’t argued since their wedding night.

After being asked about how they did it, the wife explains that after their wedding ceremony, they went and took a little honeymoon in a horse and buggy. The horse walked ten miles and stopped, refusing to go further.

“That’s one.” Said the wife. The horse looked back, walked another five ...

When the young husband reached home from the office he found his wife in tears.

"Oh, John," she sobbed on his shoulder. "I had baked a lovely cake and put it out on the back porch for the frosting to dry and the dog ate it!"

"Well, don't cry about it, sweetheart," he consoled, patting the pretty flushed cheek. "I know a man who will give us another dog."


...

When my son told me to stop impersonating a flamingo..

.. I had to put my foot down.

Fred Flintstone & Barney Rubble are relaxing at home one afternoon, when...

...Barney turns to Fred and asks, "Hey Fred, you wanna get high?"

Fred replies, "Yeah, a dab'll do."

What did the melon say to her fiancé when he asked her to run away with him?

I cantaloupe.

When you are born you actually have 4 kidneys.

But as you get older, two of them turn into adult knees

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