The 157+ Best Got Jokes

My wife said we could each have 3 hall passes. She picked Henry Cavil, Jason Momoa, and Matt Damon; but then she got mad at me for my picks...

Apparently her sister, our kids kindergarten teacher and and Kelsey in the marketing department were the wrong answers.

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Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said..

“You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to you...

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

Now we call him Dr. Awkward.

I got to a party and the host said, “Make yourself at home”, so I got comfortable.

Turns out English was not his first language, and he was asking me to leave.

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Johnny got kicked out of class today

The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?"

Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.

I uninstalled Facebook as I got depressed seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage.

I uninstalled LinkedIn as I got depressed seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion.

I uninstalled instagram as I got depressed seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.

But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .

I got in line to watch Oppenheimer around lunchtime, but I realized it was three hours long and I was starving.

So I went to the Barbie queue instead.

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”
...

I got 50 dollars from my mom...

She told me to take my brother to the movies, but not to bring him home before 6, so they had time to prepare his surprise birthday party.

That's the day I realized he was the favorite twin.

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I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

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As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits,

but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

Wh...

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

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My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got "I love you" tattooed on my penis.

She just shook her head and said, "There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth."

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants...

Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son...

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

A blonde got caught in a blizzard… It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.

She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her dad's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure en...

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I got cut off by a taxi driver last week. I was walking through town today and I saw him at the back of the queue at the taxi rank. I got in the first taxi in the queue and said "How much to the station ?" "$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.

"That's disgusting" he said "Get out of my cab"
I got in the second taxi and said "How much to the station ?".
"$5" said the driver. "And how much for a blow job ?" I asked him.
"I'm not having any of that" he said "Get out of my cab"
I worked my way down the line, getting thrown out of ...

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

Little Timmy got lost in a mine field. Where is Little Timmy?

Everywhere.

I know that joke was a bit dark, but at least it got real bright for half a second!

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When Bill and Hillary Clinton got married, Bill informed Hillary that he had a shoebox under the bed, and she was never to open it under any circumstances. Hillary agreed and promised to never open the box.

Hillary respected his wish as the years went by and kept her promise. But after several years of marriage, Hillary's curiosity got the best of her. She opened the box and found several hundred dollars in cash, and a couple of empty beer cans.

She felt guilty, and confessed to Bill that she ha...

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

I just got a new job at the zoo, circumcising the elephants!

The pay isn’t great, but the tips are huge!

When my girlfriend got pregnant everything changed

My address, my phone number..

Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot

5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.

An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.

He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.

He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"

The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college. Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that word one more time, I'll quit!"

Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at ...

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me

On a related note, I suck at darts

A man goes running into a clinic shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor! You’ve got to help me! I’ve been stung by a bee!” The doctor says reassuringly, "Don’t worry, I’ll put some cream on it.”

“You’ll never find that bee. It must be miles away by now.”

“No, you don’t understand.” answers the doctor. “I’ll put some cream on the place you were stung.”

“Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house.”

“No, no, no!” says the doctor getting frustrated. “I mean, where on...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

I guess China finally got what they want

They managed to coronise the world.

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

How many GoT plot writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only two, but they'll wait 6 or 7 seasons before screwing it up.

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza Hut app

Either way, there’s a 10” vegetarian on the way and I’m not sure what to expect.

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma

I replied "piece of cake"

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

Forty years ago, I got a phone call from a solicitor…

Forty years ago, I got a phone call from a solicitor asking to speak to my husband.

I told him my husband wasn't home at the moment.

He called several more times, and again, my husband wasn't home.

Getting tired of his phone calls, I finally said to him to hang on a minute. ...

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I got the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza" confused.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. (NSFW)

A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her seco...

A boy named Carol had a particularly rough childhood because of his uncommon name. He always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, he overcame his hang-up and married his high-school sweetheart.

When their first child was born, he let his wife name her.

She named the baby girl "Love" inspired in the same spirit as Carol's unique name.

Unfortunately, Love grew up and endured much of the same teasing that Carol did, because of her strange name.

She came home from school...

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

If I got a dime every time I didn't understand whats going on,

I'd be like "why are you giving me these dimes?"

I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!"

Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't know what Hole I'm on."

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

Later, he got lost again.

He saw the same lady and...

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."

I responded, "How about now?"

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"

I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore...

They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.

I got fired from a sperm bank...

Every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"

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Don't know why this got removed the first time. I'll try again. When is it OK to have sex with your cousin?

[Twice removed]

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

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With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking...

Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.

I was on a date and she said you smell nice, what have you got on?

I said I’ve got a hard on but I didn’t know you could smell it

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later w...

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs

I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

What do you use when you haven't got a condom?

A fake name.

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

I've posted 9 puns here in this sub but none of them got upvoted. If this one doesn't either, then...

...no pun in ten did

Got my stimulus check on St. Patrick’s Day

Call that luck of the IRS.

A blonde got tired of blonde jokes

One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last n...

If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed

I would have $7.20 by now

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.

I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

I got pulled over by a female cop...

When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said
"NOTHING"

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I got thrown out of math class today.

The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?"

Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the answer...

EDIT: Holy, this blew up fast. Kind of like when the teacher gives me $20, but less sticky, ...

My BDSM community took me to court for not being hardcore enough. I got off with just a slap on the wrist.

So I lost the case.

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

**Edit:** Did not expect this joke to take off. Made it to the front page for a little while.

**Edit 2:** Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

I called two girls hipsters and got slapped.

Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughin...

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I got my dick stuck in the center of that Pixar DVD with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.

Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home.

My lighthouse, my rules.

I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

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I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

**EDIT: WOW, thanks for all the love on this post. It’s my first post in JOKES where I didn’t get ripped a new butthole for allegedly stealing/reposting. Thanks Reddit!**

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

I finally got someone to be my valentine!

I wish I could post this in any other sub.

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If I was addicted to masturbation and then I got addicted to sex...

Would it be safe to assume my addiction got out of hand?

I got into a fight with 1,3,5,7 and 9.

The odds were against me

I can’t believe I just got sacked from the keyboard factory

They said I wasn’t putting enough shifts in

He got the order wrong

Why did the customer get upset at the waiter?

A blind woman got on a bus. Sadly, all the seats were taken.

A man noticed that no one else on the bus was willing to give up their seat for the blind woman, so he kindly guided her to his seat and took a standing spot. As the bus started up, the man frowned at the others for their selfishness.

Later that day, the man came home in tears, covered in bru...

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row…

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

I got pulled over by the police ...

He came to the window and said papers ...

I said - scissors, I win - and drove off

He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!

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Just got a vasectomy. I was looking forward to not having any more kids...

...but when I got home, the fuckers were still there

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

A young boy asks an old man how he got to be so old

The old man tells the boy "Oh it's an old cowboy trick! Every morning I put a spoonful of gunpowder on my oatmeal!" So the young boy starts doing it and sure enough he lived to the ripe old age of 106. He left behind 3 children, 8 grandchildren, 4 great-grandchildren and a 30 foot hole in the wall o...

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?

Get in the batmobile.

Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!

I hear this year is going to be as big as the last 2 put together.

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I got a job in my first porno this morning.

I’m the husband leaving for work.

I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.

The cop said “you know, the news says those things are killing people.”

I chuckled and said “they’re saying the same thing about you guys.”

He didn’t laugh.

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Call me Trumper if you must, but I've got proof masks don't do shit.

Last Thursday my wife went on a business trip and they made her wear a mask the whole time - but she got chlamydia anyway!

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.

She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

Got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city..

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail,

but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

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When I was 5 years old, I got a coal from Santa...

The next year I decided to make him pay for it and poisoned his cookies. Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad

I finally got an A on my essay!

Only 1999 more words to go.

a guy got an Interview for a job with EA

Boss: the second part of your resume is missing

Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$

Boss: welcome on board

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline

Wooden tit

I got caught peeing in the pool by the lifeguard.

I was so frightened, I almost fell in.

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I got turned down from my job interview for coming half an hour early

The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.

I got banned from laser tag today.

Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

When four of Santa's elves got sick...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When went to harness the reindeer, he fou...

I got arrested at the airport last week...

Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

Got dumped because she said I was obsessed with boat puns

Canoe believe that?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.

Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell..

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He bu...

I thought it would be a real ethical conundrum when the PETA Headquarters got a rat problem

But they just did what they do to all the dogs they rescue.

I just got robbed by 6 dwarfs..

Not Happy

What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

Feyónce

I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...

“That’s just spam”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once farted in the Apple Store and everybody got pissed

It's not my fault they don't have Windows

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior...

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in my office just got some flowers for the holidays. They're absolutely gorgeous!"

I replied, "That's probably why they got flowers then..."

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,

but on the other, it’s just not right.

I just got a job in a factory making plastic Draculas

There are only two of us on the production line, so I have to make every second count

I got fired from my job at a bank today

Some elderly lady asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother got kicked out of his house by his wife for measuring his penis.

For the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat.

My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home...

Guess she’s homeless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out.....

"Username checks out"

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week...

I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up to it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had golf clubs in theirs.

(Edited from Tennis to Golf.)

This was the year I got all I wanted: a girlfriend, a steady job, and many new friends. All I could want for the next year is...

to be able to post this in a different sub.

My parents said that if I got a tattoo I'd have to get it in a place that didn't matter...

So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.

I got fired from the bomb squad today :(

It's too bad really.....

I had a blast working there!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Black Man, a Mexican, and a White Man Got Lost Canoeing.

They reached an island ruled by terrorists. The terrorists wanted to kill the entire crew. However, after seeing the white man, the terrorists had a proposal. If the combined length of the mens' penises measured 1 foot, then the men would be set free. The Black man's dick measured 6 inches. The Whit...

I got fired from my job as a masseur.

There wasn't any specific incident, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist

black people would rob me

Just got a job as senior director at Old MacDonald's Farm...

I’m the CIEIO

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got arrested for killing a black man.

They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at the bar waiting to finally meet a girl that I'd been chatting with on the internet when I got a tap on the shoulder.

“Are you Steve?" the woman asked with a smile.

“You're fucking gorgeous!" I burst out in delight. "Yes, I am Steve.”

“Great," she replied. "There's some fat bitch over there looking for you!"

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

Gurgle, gurgle, cough spew

A man really hated his wife’s cat. One day, he put the cat in his car and took it to the end of the block and let it go. When he got home he saw that the cat had beat him home.

Undeterred, he put the cat in the car and took it a few miles across the city and tossed it out the car again. Upon returning home, he was astonished to see that the cat had beat him home again.

Determined at this point, the man took the cat and drove him across the city, over the river, thro...

I just got circumcised

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