This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed

I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was

My friend wanted t know how I got all my karma

I replied "piece of cake"

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I got my dick stuck in the center of that Pixar DVD with the old man and the balloons.

TIFU.

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

I got pulled over and my vape was in my cup holder.

The cop said “you know, the news says those things are killing people.”

I chuckled and said “they’re saying the same thing about you guys.”

He didn’t laugh.

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on the one hand, is great,

but on the other, it's just not right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

I got a vasectomy but my gf still got pregnant.

Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby.

I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11.

It was just a spare, I guess.

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A Russian dude enters a bar wearing a tshirt saying, "Turks got 3 problems."

Obvious repost

As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.

Turks: you come in our country and have the balls to insult us.

Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.

Turks: Let's get him outside.

Russian: that's your second p...

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me

. On a related note...…………………. I suck at darts.

All countries eventually got Coronavirus...

But China got it right off the bat

Has COVID-19 got you wearing glasses and a mask at the same time?

You may be entitled to condensation.

EDIT (July 14, 2020 7:40PM PST): Um, wow. I did not expect the 2.9K likes, especially since I didn't come up with it. Thanks for the support guys and y'all got me, I read it somewhere else and shared it.

I got banned from /r/Jokes for posting, "Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms! Frosted Flakes! Cheerios! Lucky Charms!"

Mods said I'm a cereal reposter...

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Him: Sorry I got drunk and acted like an ass at your wedding.

Her: IT WAS YOUR WEDDING TOO!

Got an email from Google Earth proudly stating that they can read maps backwards.

I thought to myself, "That's just spam."

Yesterday my wife shouted down to me from up stairs. ‘Do you ever get a shooting pain across your chest, like someone’s got a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it with a needle?’

'No,' I called back.

She shouted, ‘How about now?’

Today i got asked out by 4 girls!!!!!

i was in the women's bathroom

Got fired from the sperm bank yesterday

Apparently they were mad at me for saying “Get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in.

A teenager got suck in well.

He calls 911.

Boy: 911?

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?

Boy: I'm stuck in a well.

Operator: How old are you? Is the well deep?

Boy: im14andthisisdeep.

I got fired today because I asked a customer whether they wanted it "raw or well done"

I was informed I should have said "burial or cremation" instead.

I just got my son a flat peice of cardboard for his birthday

I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.

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I got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” confused

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese Mafia

My buddy asked me how my post got so much karma

“Simple, piece of cake”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.

Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the prostitute that got arrested for having sex with Pennywise?

Me neither, but I heard she had it coming.

I don't understand it. My company told all employees to get tested for COVID-19, and to stay home until they get the test results. I got tested and called my boss to tell him I'm coming back to work on Monday. He asked me if I'm sure my test came back negative.

I told him I was positive. He told me to stay home.

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I got the worst blue balls ever today.

Man, I hate back splash from porta-potties

I got hit in the head with a can of Dr. Pepper today

Luckily I’m not hurt, it was a soft drink

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

Guess who just got 17 missed calls from their ex

my ex

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

Just got my ticket to the Fibonacci convention!

It's going to be as big as the last two years put together.

My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.

He’s now Dr.Awkward.

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A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?"

"We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a...

If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type

I'd be her type.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son got busted at school for masterbating.

When I got home, I burst into his room shouting “you can’t be doing stuff like that boy, you’ll go blind!”

He said, “I’m over here Dad!”

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Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

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I got into a discussion with my coworker today about surnames. How they originated from what people were known for. Smith, shoemaker, etc.

Well my great great great great great great grandfather's name was Horace P. Horsefucker.
He got a bad rap. It was consensual...though the horse said neigh.

I got taken off a plane in handcuffs today.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder…

An old lady says to me, “Would you like a nut?”

I chuckled and said, “Sure, thanks.”

A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. “Would you like another nut?”

Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her...

I never got school shooter jokes

Guess they're aimed at a younger audience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] I got an erection on a nudist beach

Guess that was a dick move on my part

I got rare disease

Doctor: You have got an extremely rare disease

Me: How rare?

Doc: You pick the name.

I've got a GREAT joke about construction...

but I'm still working on it.

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I said to the librarian, "Hey bitch, have you got any books on immigration?"

"Get the fuck out of here!" she snapped.

"Yes, that's the one," I said.

Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be good enough at skating, biking, surfing, or running to be chosen to represent a brand like Nike, Red Bull, or Under Armour. Recently the pandemic has allowed me to double down on recreation and hone my craft, and I finally got a sponsor.

Thanks Alcoholics Anonymous!

Got a big decision to make in November...

Pumpkin or pecan pie for thanksgiving?

The other day I punched a white dude and got arrested for assault,

Today I punched a black guy and got arrested for impersonating a police officer.

I've only got one dirty joke on this sub.

The rest were scrubbed.

I’ve got a pen that can write underwater...

It can write other words too.

I guess China finally got what they want

They managed to coronise the world.

The presidents of USA, Canada and Mexico got together...

...to discuss on who has the most loyal citizens.

The Canadian president says he has the most loyal citizens. He says to a random Canadian to jump off a roof. He doesnt want to.

The Mexican president says he has the most loyal citizens. He says to a random Mexican to jump off a roof. H...

A man walks into a bookstore and asks, "Got any books on turtles?"

The shopkeeper replies, "Hardback?"

The man says, "Yeah. And little heads."

I got told a joke about candy bars

It wasn't that funny so I just snickered

I got asked during a job interview if I was responsible.

I yes.

When asked to provide examples, I said anytime something broke, or a shipment went out late, I told them I was responsible.

First, I got a tattoo on my Clavical that says “5”

Then I got a tattoo on my thoracic that says “4”

Then I got a tattoo on my lumbar that says “3”

Then I got a tattoo on my sacrum that says “2”

Then I got a tattoo on my coccyx that says “1”

It’s the spinal countdown!

I’d been stealing my wife’s deodorants for months before I got caught.

She said “please stop keeping Secrets from me”

Have you heard the one about the man who got ticketed for blockading his local river?

It's a dam fine joke, if I do say so myself.

Some girl got her nipples pierced at the bar yesterday

I'm not very good at darts

Did you hear that Willie Nelson got hit by a car

Yeah he was playing on the road again

I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what?

It wooden start.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

"We're taking United” was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

“United?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,...

I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday

They say it's because I took a day off

I got stopped by a cop.

"Get out of the car please, sir," he said.

"OK."

"Now hand me your keys," he demanded.

"OK."

"Now, can you walk in a straight line?"

"No," I informed him.

I went on walking.

"Are you drunk, sir?" he questioned a little louder.

"Far from it," I ...

A young Italian couple got married but the man had to go to war before they could consummate their marriage.

He returned a year later battle wounded missing part of his foot and burns on his back. The young lady was living with her mother. When he walks in the door he gives her a big hug and goes up stairs to take a shower.

The mom told the daughter “go upstairs and take care of your wifely duties”...

Got a Covid 19 joke for ya'll

But 99.26 of yall wont get it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've got this friend in Japan. Her name's Kim.

So Kim runs an undergarment, loungewear and such clothing store, and I recently ordered myself some pyjamas. I fortunately she got the orders mixed up and sent me some type of dressing gown instead. All I could say was Kim,oh-no!

What state was president kennedy in when he got shot?...

.....not a very good one, he’d just been shot

I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....

I'll return

I’m not surprised Robert Pattinson got Covid

He’s wearing his mask wrong.

My girlfriend said that if i got her another useless gift she would burn it...

That’s why I got her a candle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got chatting to this girl online once, we swapped nudes.

"Ja Ja Ja!" she wrote.

"Oh, you're German?" I asked.

My face when she wrote "Spanish"

I got arrested for illegally downloading Wikipedia in its entirety

...before I got arrested I said "wait I can explain everything

What did the Arab say when he got home from the gym?

Iran

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jamaican brothers are getting ready to attend their friend’s annual costume party. “Dante, we need to do better this year, we got to do better this year. We got to think of something extra special to wear!”

So Lamont and Dante take 3 hours coming up with the perfect costume to blow away the guests at the party. They’re determined to beat the annoying couple who took home last year’s prize as Tom and Jerry.

A while later, they arrive at Bob’s house, whose jaw hits the ground when he opens the fro...

My friend just got a new OnePlus 8 and is *always* using it

He needs help for his OP8 addction

Got stung by a bee today

£15 for a jar of honey

I got an erection at the funeral.

I think it was just mourning wood.

Just got an email from a Nigerian prince, he says he'll give me all of his wealth for free.

Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger.

I've got a magic mirror.

When I look into it, I can see a great comedian. When you look into it, you can see a joke.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The sex education teacher at my local high school got fired.

He was teaching the students about ejaculation and it went right over their heads.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 friends go out drinking and the next day are are talking about how drunk they got.

Friend 1: I was so drunk that I blew chunks when I got home.

Friend 2: That's nothing, I pissed in my closet thinking it was the toilet.

Friend 3: I couldn't stand and ended up shitting myself in bed.

Friend 1: I don't think you understand, Chunks is my dog!

One of my friends got female to male surgery done

That’s my ex-girl friend

A soldier approaches a nun.

"I don't want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I'll explain later." Said the man.

"Go ahead", answered the nun.

Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: "have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?"

After the officers disappear the soldier lea...

The Rock and his family just got diagnosed with Covid-19

No one at his home can smell what he's cooking tonight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a Parsi wedding at Allbless Baug, everyone got drunk. The bride's & groom's families wrecked the new reception hall fighting with each other. The police had to break up the fighting.

The next week, both families were in Mumbai High court.

The judge Soli Dorabji asked, "All right now, what happened?"

Firdaus Rohinton Pavri said, "Sahebji, I was the best man. I should explain what happened."

”Go ahead, Firdaus. Take the stand."

He explained, "Per tradit...

I got a brand new Tesla for my wife.

Pretty decent trade, if you ask me.

I got rid of my vacuum cleaner the other day.

It’s been gathering dust for a while, and generally kind of sucks.

I just got fired from my job at the door making factory.

I just couldn't get a handle on it.

For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of ringing.

She’s in for a rude awakening.

Me: Sweet dog you got there

Police officer: Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog.

Me: Still in training, huh?

Police officer: What do you mean?

Me: Nevermind

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My gf got angry when I told her I pee in the shower

As if *she* could hold her pee while shitting.

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

\*GAG\*

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday

He said it's the most violent book he's ever read

What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?

8 pirates

My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.

Edit: Look, I don't want to be one of those redditors who say 'thank's for the gold kind stranger' every time they get awarded, but after seeing this post rise I get it why they do that. For me, whose posts never g...

I've got a book in my bathroom that I write my feelings and personal thoughts into while on the toilet.

I call it my diarrhea!

I got a motorcycle for my wife last week.

Best. Trade. Ever!

I found out today that I have an identical twin brother. I got very emotional when we finally met.

I was beside myself.

Took my son out for his first pint got him a Carlsberg.

He didn't like it. I drank it got him a Fosters.

He didn't like it. I drank it.

Same with the Guinness, the cider and the whiskey.

By the end of the night, I could hardly push his pram home.

If I got a euro, for every time I thought about the wife.

I would probably think about her a bit more often.

What’s got 9 arms and sucks?

Def leopard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got escorted out of the crafts shop for dipping my balls in the glitter...

Pretty nuts!

My girlfriend got her period in the middle of February.

I guess that makes her My Bloody Valentine.

In an attempt to boost morale, my office threw a 'Christmas in July' event today. I got to talking to my coworker from Beijing and asked him, "Why don't Chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?" He confided in me...

"Because they make the toys."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I work at a horse farm and somehow one day at dinner we got on the topic of how big one of the mules dick is.

My father looks me dead in the eye and with a straight face says that’s why your mother calls me an ass all the time

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This got me suspended from school for laughing in zoom class:



A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

There was a blind irishman who didn't use a stick, he navigated by simply bouncing off the walls until he got where he needed.

They called him Rick O'Shea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license...

and all just because of a stupid police officer...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We were finally able to go back to the office this week. But when we got there, we found that someone had switched around the elevator buttons!

It was wrong on so many levels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's got 8 legs and sounds like a vacuum sucking up honey?

Greedy bastard at KFC.

I got fired from my job at the sperm bank today

Apparently dipping your finger in the sample cup and saying “oh this is spicy I actually asked for mild” is frowned upon

My buddy got stabbed by a person with a marker

That’s gonna leave a mark

The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.

21

I got asked out by a girl today

She told me to leave the womens bathroom





Credit to u/Dr00000100

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

Oh no! Someone got seriously injured at the Nintendo headquarters! Call an ambulance!

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...

I got fired from work today for taking the initiative.

It was a slow day so I thought why not let my team get some practice in to keep up their skills.

Didn't know it was against policy to set our fire station ablaze!

I just got a voice mail that my ophthalmologist is retiring....

I won't be seeing him anymore.

My dad got fired as a road worker because of stealing.

I didn't believe it at first, but when I got home.

All the signs where there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a wife with problems, it's awful I tell you!

She likes to talk during sex. Last week she called me from the Hotel.

Got excited that I found a bottle in the beach with a message inside...

Which read: You got no new messages.

My YouTube video with no audio just got taken down.

John Cage gave me a copyright strike.

I got fired from my job for chasing away a stray cat.

Whatever, I never really liked working at the animal shelter anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got fired from my job as a mailman because my boss thinks I’m completely incompetent.

Shit. Meant to post this somewhere else.

I went to the doctor and got a needle stuck in my arm

Is much less depressing than "I got a needle stuck in my arm and then went to the doctor".

A friend got his name legally changed from Pert.

I guess he's an expert now.

I got pulled over in the carpool lane.

Cop: Where's your passenger?

Me: Due to social distancing they're in the car behind me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Nsfw] I was planning to buy a SUV for while. My birthday arrived and my wife said "Surprise, I got you SUV"

Elated I jumped "wow honey, you are the best....cant wait to go out and check it out!"

She said "No need. Its in the bag here. Socks Underwear & Viagra"

My girlfriend of two years dumped me on her birthday. I dont know why she was so mad, I got her EXACTLY what she asked for; 10 cents and a bell...

...upon further reflection, I may have misunderstood "a dime and ring", my bad.

So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots.

As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

What did the band member say after he got tired of holding his own music?

"I can't do this anymore! It's time I took a stand!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

Got a phone call waking me up in the middle of my remote learning class today.

My students are such nerds.

I got a C on my roman numerals test.

Perfect score.

My blonde friend got breast implants

I used to call her " little Connie", now she's just "Silicone"

A newly married doctor got a call inviting him to go and play cards that evening.

A newly married doctor got a call inviting him to go and play cards that evening.

"I have to go out, honey," he said to his wife.

"Oh no, not again," she said. "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes," replied her husband. "There are three doctors there already."

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

I got fired from my deli job cause the boss caught me sticking my finger in the pickle slicer..

..turns out he fired her too.

What did 50 Cent do when he got hungry?

58

Trump just got tested again, and he's still negative.

IQ, not COVID-19.

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

A female friend got engaged to a successful stockbroker, but since then all he wants to do is smoke weed.

Welcome to the world of high fiance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the prostitute that got a vagina implanted on her hip?

She wanted to make some money on the side

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got any bread?

A duck walks…waddles into a pub. Goes up to the bar and says, “Got any bread?”

The barman says, “No - we don’t sell bread. Only beers, wines, spirits and soft drinks.” and the duck leaves.

The next day, the exact same thing. “Got any bread?” says the duck.

“No”, replies the barm...

I got fired from my restaurant job for stealing...

But it was a whisk I was willing to take...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got my testicles stuck in a vacuum cleaner.

Now we're both bagless.

Finally got my PHD

Took some fiddling with the camera to get the yellows to pop out, but it was definitely worth it.

Got a chance to ask 2020 this question...

"Would you at least start using a lubricant?"

A woman was walking along the street when she got plowed into by a vehicle and killed...

The police had a tough time identifying her, but they were able to get a picture from the DMV.

They walked up to her house and rang the doorbell.

"Sir, do you know this woman?"

"Yes it's my wife"

(Deep sigh) "Sir, I'm not really sure how to break this to you... but it loo...

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