UPJOKE
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The US got knocked out in the World Cup on day 13!!!

Its their fastest exit from the middle east!!!

I just got a new job at the zoo, circumcising the elephants!

The pay isn’t great, but the tips are huge!

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

Great news! I got the whole plane to myself!

The large group going to the psychics convention all cancelled at the last minute.

Someone got 25 years in prison for saying Putin was an idiot

5 years for insulting the leader and 20 years for revealing state secrets.

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

Rumour got round that the bear kept a list of all the animals he plans to kill.

Scared and confused, the wolf went to confront the bear.

"Bear," said wolf. "Do you really keep a list of all the animals you plan to kill?"

"I do." said the bear.

"And... Is my name on it?" asked the wolf.

"It is." the bear growled. And the following morning, the wol...

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo accident.

They put me in the ICU.

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My patent for a gold-plated butt plug got rejected

Apparently Apple has cornered the market on expensive toys for assholes.

a lot of things changed since I got my girlfriend pregnant...

like my name, my address, my phone number

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My wife was very disappointed when I told her that I got "I love you" tattooed on my penis.

She just shook her head and said, "There you go again, always trying to put words in my mouth."

All countries eventually got coronavirus

But China got it right off the bat.

A woman got a pet parrot, but she was horrified to discover that all it did was say mean things and insult her.

Nothing she did could stop it.
She was especially worried because her whole family was coming over for Thanksgiving.

But when Thanksgiving dinner finally came, the parrot didn't say a word the entire time. After the meal, the Parrot turned to its owner and said, "Please forgive my behavior...

I got fired from the juice factory

I wasn't concentrating on the job

Fred was driving his truck when he got into a wreck with a car.

Fred was driving his truck when he got into a wreck with a car. The car was totaled. Fred was fine.


The next week, Fred was on his motorcycle when a car pulled out in front of him. The car was totaled. Fred was fine.


The next week, Fred was crossing the street when a car hi...

What’s the first thing Mrs Clause did when Santa got home on Christmas morning ?

Emptied his sack.


(Compliments of my 7 year old son)

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I got a job in my first porno this morning.

I’m the husband leaving for work.

Did you hear about the cyber criminal who got away?

They ransomware.

Wife asks her husband to fix the fridge. He replies "What am I, a repairman?" So she got their neighbor to fix it. She tells her husb "It's fixed. Our neighbor said he would fix it if I either slept with him or baked him a pie."

Husband laughs and asks "So what kind of pie did you bake him?"

Wife replies "What am I, a baker?"

My baby nephew got apprehended by the police after refusing his usual naptime

He was resisting a rest

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts.

If I'm honest, it was a Rocky Road.

I uninstalled Facebook as i got depressed of seeing my friends post their relationship and marriage

I uninstalled LinkedIn as i got depressed of seeing my colleague post their job change and promotion

I uninstalled instagram as i got depressed of seeing my friends travel and enjoy their lives.

But I'll never uninstall reddit because you guys are more miserable than me .

Got a new job as a garbage man but I was worried as there’s no training.

The boss said I’ll pick it up as I go.

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I got an internship for an insurance company.

My job was to review applications, I would receive a notification that a position was open, receive a stack of applications every day, and be expected to vet them and send the up the line for review.

My first day on the job my boss stepped to the desk I was working at, looked at my stack of a...

Did you guys hear about those two bodybuilders that got divorced?

Apparently their relationship just wasn't working out.

Little Timmy got lost in a mine field. Where is Little Timmy?

Everywhere.



I know that joke was a bit dark, but at least it got real bright for half a second!

My brother and I got so bored, we started throwing spice jars at each other.

Then the thyme really flew.

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I finally got up the courage to go see a doctor about my four testicles.

He said: "You have a lot of balls coming in here

A woman in her Kia did not wear a seatbelt and got into an accident

Her body left her Soul.

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

... when suddenly they started to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my...

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

*Grgglluhhgghh*

Got an email asking me to invest in Egyptian architecture.

Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me.

I just got hit by a Subaru

I’m seeing stars

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After years of getting nothing from my garden, I finally got my dildo patch to produce!

But now I have a problem with squatters.

I got banned from the local swimming pool today

They banned me for "peeing in the pool".

I tried defending myself by saying *everybody* pees in the pool, but according to them no one does it from the diving board

I got fired from Arby's because I couldn't quit scratching my junk.

I don't see what I did wrong! I mean, I had gloves on.

Coolio died today. He was shocked when he got to the Pearly Gates and realized

It was indeed an Amish paradise.

Did you hear about the nun who got addicted to knitting?

She said that needles were habit forming.

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A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

The currencies of the world got into a fight…

The Korean won

I got fired from my job yesterday for saying smoking or non smoking

But apparently the correct terms were cremation and burial

What did 50 Cent do when he got hungry?

58.

Those presents the three wise men got baby Jesus...

...where they for Christmas or his birthday?

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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What happened to the Navy soldier who got caught masturbating?

He was dishonourably discharged for discharging dishonourably.

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

Donald Trump’s daughter got married this weekend

For her “something blue,” he gave her Nevada

My friend got a Scandinavian car but he keep complaining about all the problems he’s having with it.

It’s a really just a “Saab story.”

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Did you hear about the guy who got arrested for putting his penis in a bowl of Coco Pops?

They said he was a cereal sex offender

What did the dad say when he got a new watch on his birthday?

Well, no present like the time!

A guy driving a Kia.

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce...

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says s...

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I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

How do you refer to someone who got over their anxiety?

Past tense

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes.

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these bl...

My mate Dave's got a bad history with cobbler's and he refuses to replace his favourite shoes, despite having lots of holes in them.

He said he's got *trusty-shoes...*

Two TV antennas got married this weekend.

The wedding was boring but the reception was amazing.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

My friend got killed by a donkey

Some say he was assassinated

The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?" "Yep." "What if you miss?" He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss." "Okay! Well, I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel tog...

I got an email offering the secret to reading maps backwards

It was spam

A duck walks into a bar

He walks up to the bartender and asks

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

"No, and if you ask again, I'll nail your beak to the bar!"

"Got any nails?"

"No"

"Got any bread?"

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When I got home my wife had 2 gorgeous friends with her.

She said, we were just talking about having a foursome if you're up for it... She smiled and winked. 2 minutes later I appeared naked with my dick in my hand..

They all had Tennis Racquets in theirs.

Putin dies and goes to hell. After a while, he's given a day off for good behavior.

So he goes to Moscow, enters a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender:

\-Is Crimea ours?

\-Yes, it is.

\-And the Donbas?

\-Also ours.

\-Kyiv?

\-We got that too.

Satisfied, he drinks and asks:

\-Thanks. How much do I owe you?

\-5 eur...

I got a job recreating the faces of early hominids

I mostly work with Pleistocene.

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

I got fired from a sperm bank...

Every time someone walked in I'd say "get a load of this guy"

A friend of mine invited me over for a threesome with a girl.

I was hesitant at first but eventually agreed. So I went over to his place and we got started. I just couldn't get into it. A half hour in, I started wondering when the girl is going to show up.

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

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An Older woman got pulled over for speeding:

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for ...

Have you heard about the dyslexic spy who got caught with a suitcase nuke in the post office?

Fission mailed!

My friend recommended that I try a sensory deprivation tank but I got out after 5 minutes…..

I wasn’t really feeling it

I got some sudoku toilet paper.

Sadly I can't complete it, since I can only fill it with 1's and 2's.

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If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would the inscriptions on their bath towels say?

Hisss and Hearse

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

Three men die and are standing at the pearly gates in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells them, "To gain entry into heaven, you must tell me how you died."

The first man steps forward and says "Well, I got off work early today, and came home to my 10th floor apartment. Walked in, and found ...

So I got to thinking today...

Can't believe it took me this long to unlock it on my skill tree.

I met a girl at a club the other night who said she’d show me a good time and incredibly, when we got outside...

She ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.

Do you know why Indiana Jones never got married?

Bad dates

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Did you hear about the sewerman who got fired?

He was a shit worker.

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’ After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’ ‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s becaus...

i recently got a newer, smaller bucket to replace my old one

it really pails in comparison

With the international mathematics conference in town, the bars around the convention center were hopping.

As was her custom, the evening manager was going from table to table greeting her guests. When she got to the first table, there were eight mathematicians seated. Strange, she thought, since there were only six seats, but some of them were getting a bit frisky and were sitting on others' laps.
...

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My friend has just got back from a trip to Vegas.

He was in the world erection championships and got all the way through to the the semi's.

He also had a go in the blindfolded wanking, but isn't sure where he finished.

Got terrible back ache so I'm seeing my Egyptian specialist later.

He's a cairopractor.

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An Airbus 380 is flying across the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now ...

Today I got fired for making a child cry at work. I only asked him where his parents were

Working at an orphanage is no joke

When little Johnny was about 3 he got curious and stuck his hand in a mannequin’s pants.

His is mom said, “No little Johnny there is teeth in there that will bite off your hand.”

Years later he was 15 and he had a girlfriend, and they were making out and she said, “Why don’t you ever stick your hand in my pants?”

Johnny said, “Oh my mom says there’ s teeth that will bite o...

Did you hear about the guy who got fired from Goodyear ?

He was sleeping on the job because he was tired ......

I accidentally got anti aging cream on my block of cheddar

I’ve now got milk all over the kitchen top

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A husband got a new job

A husband got a new job and had to go on his first ever business trip.

This was especially tough because he and his wife made love every other day and he was going to be gone for a week.

He didn’t want his wife to miss him, or miss out on her regular orgasm, so he decided to buy her a ...

Got sent home from work for my Halloween costume..

Apparently, being a brillo pad was too abrasive for some people.

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

I'm a physicist.

It’s 3 AM. A woman paces angrily in her house waiting for her physicist husband to come home. Finally he does. As he walks through the door she glares and demands “where have you been!?” Sheepishly, the physicist husband tries to explain himself. He says, “well my colleagues and I went out just for ...

Frank says to John: ‘I never slept with my wife until we got married. What about you?’

John: ‘I’m not sure. What’s her maiden name?’

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb.

Only one.

But the light bulb has really got to want to change.

I just got laid for the first time today.

They told me they'd never had anyone whose performance was so bad despite every position we tried. This was the last thing I could think of to try to earn a living and now I don't know what to do.

I got invited to test a new car made entirely of spare computer parts

It was a hard drive

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A guy walking down the street sees a woman

with perfect breasts. He says to her, “Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100 dollars?”

“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 d...

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I have got a serious problem.

My girlfriend and my sister have a same name, that made my life into a living hell. Whenever we are making love in bed and she's about to orgasm, she wants me to yell her name; but it make me uneasy quiet a lot. Because doing it reminds me of my girlfriend. What should I do?

Did you hear about the guy who got addicted to eating thanksgiving leftovers out of the fridge?

He had to quit cold turkey.

I got a boot on my car for what I thought were just average parking tickets.

As it turns out, they were outstanding.

Last year I got on the bandwagon and invested $10,000 into a holding company.

This year, I found out what the company was holding;

$2,650 of my investment.

I courteously opened the door for a woman to come out, but she got really mad

Apparently there is some sort of changing-room exemption, and now I'm banned from Forever 21.

The boys got onto their bike.

A cop pulled them over and said, “Three people on a single bike. Against the rules. Gonna charge you”.

Then the third boy nearly cried and said loudly,”Bob and Carl might have fallen off on our way here!”

See if you can guess which sub this got removed from:

I just traded a piece of fruit for a weight measuring device....

Banana for scale

What did E.T.’s mother say to him when he got home?

“Where on Earth have you been?!"

I got the ball rolling

It only went downhill from there

I’m not having much luck with jobs lately.

I wasn’t suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn’t cut it as a barber.

I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor.

I wasn’t a good fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance...

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A little girl gets a bike for Christmas one year.

All excited, she immediately takes the bike out to ride it.

A cop passing by says to the little girl, "Did Santa get you that?"

"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and sa...

After spending hours going over stories from people who got lost in the wild and reading survival guides and tips for wilderness living, I'm comfortable saying that I know exactly what I'll do if I ever find myself in the middle of a forest, miles from home with nothing but my wits to rely on.

I'll die.

Boba Fett is my hero. I've got pictures of him in every room.

I think I've got a fettish.

I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died

Which was lucky really, because he got hit by a bus

Who is cheating?

A recent study showed that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating.

• ⁠


Now I've just got to figure out if it's my girlfriend or my wife.

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

We now call him Dr. Awkward.

Honest Priest

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course child, What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit...

A dentist goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Bugatti Chiron

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $1.5M. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there,...

I once got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants.

I have to quit. There was no place to park.

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Took my son out for his first Pint today.

I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it, I drank it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I drank it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,

I could hardly walk the fucking stroller.

Got a speeding ticket the other day. There was this sign that said "Construction 35mph ahead".

I figured, I had four people in the car ...

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

I got a new job delivering pizzas.

Nobody really likes liver on pizza anyways.

I got a job cleaning horse manure.

Well, the ad promise a stable income.

I just got tackled in a game of football by a bird.

It was a fowl.

A duck waddles into a hotel’s lobby convenience store…

…and loudly asks the bored clerk, “Hey, where can a guy get some Tic Tacs?”

Incredulous, the store clerk responds to the waterfowl at his feet, “Did you just ask for Tic Tacs?”

“Yeah, Tic Tacs,” says the duck. “Got a date with a smokin’ hot redhead.”

Not knowing for certain how...

A woman got a job at a horseback riding academy

One day, she was appointed to give a tour to one of the schools' wealthiest donors.

The donor in question was an old man; his eyes were failing but despite that handicap he was impressed with the academy developments.

When they reached the stable to examine the horses, she took him fi...

Did you hear about the crow that got arrested for trying to throw a party where nobody came?

He got charged with attempted murder

A nurse was dating a doctor and got pregnant.

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

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Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. "You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live" he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment ...

I just found out that I got drafted into the Russian Army.

I don't need ammunition. I need a ride.

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs

I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

Did you hear about the man who got hit by a milk truck?

He got creamed.

An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.

He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.

He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die?"

The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday."

I got fired from my job for assuring my clients that I will never let them down

I guess being an elevator operator isn’t my forte

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My wife and I got into a fight a month ago and since then she doesn't talk with me anymore.

We have sex every day but I need to do all the work because she doesn't move either.

Two lawyers before an American judge recently got into a wrangle

At last one of the disputants, losing control over his emotions, exclaimed to his opponent, "Sir, you are, I think the biggest fool that I ever had the misfortune to set eyes upon."

"Order! Order!" said the judge gravely. "You seem to forget that I am in the room."



Source: 19...

What did the blind man say when he got a rash?

I wish I could see the dermatologist.

Just got off a 15 hour flight from Chernobyl

and boy are these arms legs.

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The billionaire and the mermaid whisperer

A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid - the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act...

My buddy asked me how I got ahold of Kevin Bacon's phone number

Told him I know a guy ^(who knows a guy) ^^who ^^knows ^^a ^^guy ^^^who ^^^knows ^^^a ^^^guy

A boomer, a millennial and a zoomer walk into a bar

That's right- Gen X just got ignored again.

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My nephew got into his dad's viagra stash.

He's in the hospital with 3rd degree burns on his hands.

A young girl.

A young girl, who was writing a paper for school, came to her father and asked...

"Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?"

The father replied, "It is mostly a matter of degree."

"Let me show you what I mean... "

With that, the father went to the tele...

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I got kicked out of a restaurant for having improper dress. Reminds me of a funny story.

An Afghan, an Albanian, and Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguan, an Argintine, an Armenian, and Austrailian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese...

I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore...

They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.

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My friend Jack got busted performing sexual favors in his sports club’s locker room…

Now Jack’s off the team.

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre

Did you hear? One of the Avengers got hit by a shrink ray.

He's fine, but he might be a little Thor for a while.

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got into a street fight with the dairy cartel...

...Being lactose intolerant, I immediately knew shit was about to go down.

I dropped an ice cube next to the freezer. It melted and got my sock wet the next time I went to the kitchen.

I was mad at first, but now it's mostly water under the fridge.

Jesus and Moses

One beautiful day in Heaven, Jesus and Moses were fishing in a lake. After a while of silence, Jesus asked Moses, "Hey Moses, can you still do it? You know... 'Your thing'?" Moses then answered, "I don't know, let me see if I still got it!"

He then stood up and drew his arms forwards, and the...

"You've got 24 hours to live"

Guy gets a call from his doctor saying he needs to see him ASAP. So the guy runs down to the office, doctor brings him back and says to him "I've got bad news and I've got worse news"

"What's the bad news?" the guy asks

"You've got 24 hours to live"

"Oh God. Well what's the wors...

Bubba

Once When Bubba got a new job, he says to his new boss, “Boss, I know everyone in the whole world!”

His boss doesn't believe him, so he says “No you do not know everyone in the whole world.”

Bubba says “Yes I do!”

Bubba's boss says “Well prove it!”

Bubba says...

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth...

Now when I talk, I got this weird axe scent.

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

I got Grindr and Dominoes mixed up when I went to order

Regardless there is an 8 inch meat feast on the way and I’m scared.

After years of lobbying, a town finally got train service.

A county official noticed an increase in the town’s birth rate and went to investigate. After interviewing a few people he discovered that the explanation is noise from the 5AM express train: At that time it’s too early to get up and too late to go back to sleep…

Did you hear about the guy who got hit by the same bike every morning?

It was a vicious cycle.

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