Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

10. 1 to change it and 9 to post in the comments that it’s been done before.

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.

"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.

"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.

"Don't you mean Polio?"

"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not wantin...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My self esteem is the size of my penis

I’m a girl

(Sorry if this joke was used somewhere before, I’m fairly new to Reddit)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went on a roller coaster and the woman next to me would not stop screaming.

Seriously,it was like she had never seen a penis before.

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before."

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

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Bob, Joe, and Dick go to heaven

Upon arrival they are greeted by St. Peter.

"Welcome to heaven. You are free to do as you please, but we do have one rule. Do not step on the ducks" he says.

'Seems easy enough' the men think.

They walk for quite some time before encountering the first duck, avoiding it with gre...

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says "Wow! I've never served a weasel before, so what can I get you?"

"Pop" goes the weasel.

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An old one, but I've never seen it on this sub...

A man is brought before an American court on charges that he killed and ate a bald eagle. "This is a serious crime," says the judge. "What do you have to say in your defense?"



"Your honor, please!" the man begs, "Have some mercy on me. I was trapped in the wilderness for days. I s...

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A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

Before I die

Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.

That should make the cremation a little more interesting.

Why did God create Adam before Eve?

He didn’t want any advice on how to do it

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

what do racers eat before a race

nothing they fast

What did our parents do to kill time before the internet?

I asked my 16 siblings and they didn't know either.


Not oc but thought I'd share.

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My dad told me this one, curious if anyone else ever heard it before. A man walks into a bar...

And sits up at the bar, asks the bartender for a rum and coke.

Bartender does some digging under the counter, and pulls out an apple.

The man, visually frustrated, "what is this, I asked for a rum and coke!"

Bartender replies, "take a bite, you'll be suprised."

So he li...

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.

My wife must have had a busy life before we met

She says I'm her sixty second lover.

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

I've said it before.

Why do fireman take out the people from building before they put the fire out by water?

Because bros before hose.

The keynote speaker for the medical conference walked up to the stage. "Before I begin," he started, "is there anyone in the audience from Connecticut? "

A couple members of the audience raised their hands. "Ok, thank you. You may put your hands down; I needed to check the accuracy of my CT scans."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter explained, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled...

A woman dies. In heaven she sees a large Wall full of Clocks...

...

She asks angel: What are these for?

Angel answers: These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves.

The woman points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this? ...

Angel says: Its Mother Teresa's. It never moved, showing ...

My girlfriend used to date a professional clown before she met me.

I have some big shoes to fill.

Before John was a traveling salesmen

Before John was a traveling salesman he worked door to door on foot. He actually came from an upper middle class family but had a healthy work ethic and a humble yet dull nature from aristocratic inbreeding a few generations back..

It was his birthday and his eccentric mother had told John he...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If possible, before making any major decision, jack off . . .

It'll make you cum to your senses. This my friends is called known as '*post-nut clarity'.*

Before I go to bed, I always drink some ti

I like to end the day on a high note

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Husband says to wife (haven't seen this one on here, sorry if posted before)

A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She responds, "You have the biggest dick of all your friends. "

I’ll never forget my Grandpa’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

I told my daughter to be sensible before her eighteenth birthday party.

She said, "You are only eighteen once!"


I said, "No...you're eighteen 365 times, unless it's a leap year."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Before graduating to full priests, the candidates had to undergo

The cardinal test.

To make sure that they would stick to the oath of celibacy, the graduating would be priests were all taken to a room and made to stand in a straight line and covered their eyes.

The bishop tied a little Bell on their penises and then brought in a naked beautiful woma...

I’m sure you’ve herd this one before... Where do cows go for date night?

To the moovies

Have you ever got hit by frozen rain before?

It hurts like hail.

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What does the russian presidents' wife says before sex?

Please, put in.

How many hits of acid do I need before I can change a light bulb?

Two. One to help me get the ladder and the other to distract all the spiders. Oh god - - there are SPIDERS everywhere!! And now they’re purple cows. With fangs. Only 8 more hours of blblblblblblblblbl.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What comes before 69?

That sorry sap who suffers from premature ejaculation

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hey have you ever had sex while camping before?

Because it's fucking in tents

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pilot is on the microphone before the flight begins...

“Well hello there folks, today is a great day to fly! Perfect weather, clear skies. It should take us an hour to get to Miami. Miami has amazing weather this....”

After concluding his long speech, he lays back in his chair, forgetting to turn off the mic. He starts talking with his co pilot.<...

You’re American right before you enter a restroom but what are you once you’re in there?

European.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Before being ordained, 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks.

Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved pussy danced before each one. First priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached the last priest, Ralph. Poor Ralph. While she danced he got a stiffy & his bell ran...

Did you know Keanu Reeves did fetish work before he was famous?

He went by Peeonyou Reeves

A man and his wife were going on a vacation but the wife had to attend a conference at work so he decided to go before her and she would meet up with him him after.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to the widow of an elderly preacher who had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email,...

I just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die".

I'm pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn't one of them...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What did Adam say to Eve just before they had sex for the first time?

"Better stand back, I don't know how big this thing is going to get."

What did the Billboard Top 40 artist say when she broke up with her boyfriend before kicking him out of a helicopter?

new single dropping soon!

What did socialists use before candles?

Electricity.

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".

He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".

He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You ...

What do you call someone who puts milk before cereal?

A cereal killer

What did one nut tell the other before they seperated?

"Bye, I'll cashew later."

Why is Rocky so relaxed before his fights?

Because he's good at beating the meat.

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”

The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In a bar in Berlin, before the war broke out, there sat Adolph Hitler at a table arguing with Rudolph Hess.

Goebbels was at another table with Bormann. Hermann Goering was up at the bar shooting shots of schnaps.

In walks an American reporter, recognizes Goering at the bar and strolls on up to him and introduces himself. He explains that he’s doing an article on the Nazi plans and goals for Germany...

I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule

It’s science.

I still remember my Dad’s last words to me before he kicked the bucket.

He said, “Hey, wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?”

My grandma died 6 days before my birthday

Which of course made me extremely upset when my my birthday came around, because I had nothing to wish for.

A man is at boating school, and is learning different phrases before he is allowed to work on a boat

The instructor asks him the first question, “What do you say when a man has fallen off the boat.”

The man energetically said, “Man overboard!”

The instructor has his next question ready, “What do you say when a woman falls off the boat?”

The man yet again states, “Full speed ahe...

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again...

I love to reiterate.

Hillary, Donald Trump, and Barack Obama were waiting in the green room before a banquet with the movers and shakers of DC...

Suddenly a heavenly chorus of angels sang, and God appeared to the trio.

In a booming voice God said, “Each of you may ask one question, and I will answer it.”

Obama asked, “Will there ever be another black president?”

God replied, “Yes. But not during your lifetime.”

Tru...