Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

Before going to bed a girl says:

“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Goodnight grandad, bye grandma.”

The next day the grandma dies. The girl says again:

“Goodnight Mum, Goodnight Dad, Bye grandad.”

The next day the grandad dies. The next night, the girl says:

“Goodnight Mum, bye Dad.”

When the dad get...

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do.

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

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Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Bob." Bob was stunned, "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!"

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A ro...

Scotish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve: “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing"...

"Forty-five years of misery is enough”, he continued.

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”...

A man and his girlfriend are getting undressed together for the first time.

The man took off his shoes and socks revealing feet with missing and deformed toes.

"What happened to your feet?" his girlfriend asked.

"I had a childhood disease called Tolio " the man said.

"Don't you mean Polio?"

"No, Tolio, it only affects the toes."

Not wantin...

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

10. 1 to change it and 9 to post in the comments that it’s been done before.

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My self esteem is the size of my penis

I’m a girl

(Sorry if this joke was used somewhere before, I’m fairly new to Reddit)

I don’t believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There just needs to be balance.

I call it a homie-hoe-stasis.

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Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip....

On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital.

Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery.

After many hours of wa...

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question."

Please form a single-file line. And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a penis?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sis...

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I went on a roller coaster and the woman next to me would not stop screaming.

Seriously,it was like she had never seen a penis before.

Two priests are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” They plan to hold up the sign to each passing car.

“Leave us alone, you religious nuts!” yells the first driver as he speeds by. From around the curve the priests hear screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” one priest says to other, “it would be better to shorten the sign to ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

Before Marriage:

Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

Boy: No don't even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?

Girl: Will...

What did the Stormtrooper say to his family before shipping off to Empire basic training?

I’ll miss you.

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

A man stumbles out of a bar just before closing time.

An officer was already outside, waiting for drink-drivers. She watches as the man nearly trips down the stairs outside the bar, stagger over to his car, and fumble in his pocket for his keys.

Looks like I've got one, the officer thinks to herself.

15 minutes later, closing time finally...

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Bob, Joe, and Dick go to heaven

Upon arrival they are greeted by St. Peter.

"Welcome to heaven. You are free to do as you please, but we do have one rule. Do not step on the ducks" he says.

'Seems easy enough' the men think.

They walk for quite some time before encountering the first duck, avoiding it with gre...

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

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An old one, but I've never seen it on this sub...

A man is brought before an American court on charges that he killed and ate a bald eagle. "This is a serious crime," says the judge. "What do you have to say in your defense?"



"Your honor, please!" the man begs, "Have some mercy on me. I was trapped in the wilderness for days. I s...

Why did the hipster drown?

He went ice skating before it was cool.

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before."

So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".

The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he l...

Before his inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to take a tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of water, he asked President Clinton if he could use the bathroom in the Oval Office. He was astonished to see that the president had a solid gold urinal installed. That night, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

​

“Just think,” h...

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...

I asked my 18 brothers and sisters and they don't know either.

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It should be in the military protocol to masturbate before shower

It's unsafe to clean a loaded gun

Q: What was the longest river in the world before they discovered the Nile?

A: The Nile

My wife sat down with half a pie before dinner.

Me: Are you really planning to eat pie before dinner?

Her: Its only half a pie.

Me: Its still irrational.

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A man went on the internet at work and read that if you masturbate before sex then you'll last longer.

So he thinks 'Great, me and the missus were planning a good time tonight"
But he runs into a problem he can't do it at work, because he'll get fired, he can't do it at home because his wife would be there. So after much thinking he comes up with a solution, on his way home he'll pull over, go un...

Saint Peter decides to take a day off work, and Jesus takes his place. St. Peter explains that he should ask any person who comes to the gates a little about themselves before they enter. Then you decide whether or not they should be allowed into heaven.

It's a slow day, but most people are allowed to enter. Then a frail old man shows up. Jesus urges him to sit down and starts asking some questions. . "What did you do for a living", Jesus asks.

"I was a carpenter", the man replies.

"Did you have any family", Jesus asks.

"I had a...

What’s the last thing my friend told me before I got hit by a car?

Dodge

A Russian oligarch walks down the street, when suddenly, a magical lamp drops before his feet.

He picks it up, rubs it, and a powerful djinn shoots out.

"Ah, hello, my dear friend. You are in luck, for I shall grant you three wishes this day!" says the oligarch to the djinn.

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Masturbating before sex

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided “what the hell, I’ll try it!” He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn’t do it in his office. He thought about the bathroom but that was too open. He considered a...

What did Medusa tell the perv before she turned him into stone?

My eyes are up here

I have said this before and I will say this again:

This.

If Snoop Dogg dies before pot is legal in the United States,..

..He will be rolling in his grave.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do elephants do before they have sex?

Pull down their trunks.

I plan to lose 10 kg before summer starts.

Just 13kg to go

Q: Why did Star Wars episodes 4,5, and 6 come before 1,2, and 3?

A: Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

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Quick, before it starts

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

Thi...

What was the last thing Helen Keller said before she died?

Nothing, she was wearing mittens.

Before I die

Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.

That should make the cremation a little more interesting.

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Why don't boxers have sex before a big match?

They're just friends.

A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?"

"Pop," goes the weasel.

Why did God create Adam before Eve?

He didn’t want any advice on how to do it

How many Mexicans do you have to meet before you hear a really stereotypical name?

Juan

Two young boys are talking before school.

“My uncle ran for Senate last year,” the first boy says to his classmate.

​

“Really?” the second boy asks. “What does he do now?”

​

“Nothing,” the first boy explains. “He got elected.”

I'm not sure if I've heard that "Quasimodo has a hunch about who started the Notre Dame fire" joke before.

But it sure does ring a bell.

Before every barbecue I tell myself I'll eat healthy and stick to the salads.

But then my plan takes a turn for the wurst.

What did the necrophilliac have to do before he came upon a body in the woods?

Poke it with a stick, just to make sure.

I'm a recruiter for my company. Before I look at any resumes, I always throw half of them out.

I only want the lucky ones.

Recently came across this, entirely possible it’s been on here before.

There was a 5 year old girl crying by herself.

“Are you ok?” I asked her, “do you know where your mommy and daddy are?”

“No,” she responded.

I love volunteering for the orphanage.

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A priest and a rabbi are talking about their religions with one another. The priest leans over to the Rabbi and asks him if he’s ever eaten pork before....

The Rabbi says, “I’ve had it once.”

The priest says, “oh it’s fantastic, BBQ pulled pork is my favorite. You are really missing out.

The rabbi smirks and leans in and says to the priest, “well have you ever had sex before?”

Priest says,”yes I did once.”

Rabbi smiles an...

A woman dies. In heaven she sees a large Wall full of Clocks...

...

She asks angel: What are these for?

Angel answers: These are Lie Clocks, every person has a lie clock! Whenever you lie on earth, clock moves.

The woman points towards a clock and asks: Whose clock is this? ...

Angel says: Its Mother Teresa's. It never moved, showing ...

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So the Saturday before Easter is on 4/20 this year...

I guess it’s a High Holy Saturday.

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

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I wash my hands before I go to the toilet

I like to keep my shit clean

Before you judge somebody who doesn't use the metric system...

You should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas...

FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.

I still remember my grandfathers last words before he kicked the bucket

"how far do you think I can kick this bucket"

What did the people of Venezuela use to light their homes before candles?

Electricity.

I'm so good at programming I don't even need to test before I ship code.

Sent my program last week and haven't heard of any problems since!

Signed,
Richard
Junior Helicopter Auto-Pilot Software Developer

What did our parents do when they were bored back in the days before the internet or video games?

I asked this question to my 24 brothers and sisters too...

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My wife requested that I slap her pussy around a little bit before we had sex. I didn't know what to do

So I beat around the bush

A child comes to a carnival on the night before his 14th birthday.

They go to the "I bet I can guess your age" booth. The man says, "13 years old."

"Aw, man. You got me." said the kid.

"Nice try.", the man said. "Come back next year."

"I will!" the kid said in response.

A few hours later, he comes back to the stand.

"I've seen you...

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A couple moves in together and brings their pets. The man says “before you moved in, my cat used to throw up and shit everywhere, now when I come home the floors are spotless.”

The woman responded “yeah it’s weird, my dog used to whine because he was hungry all the time but not since we moved in.”

What did my grandfather say before he kicked the bucket?

Let's see how far this bucket goes.