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My Gf says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please upvote because I want to rearrange the whole house furnitures to make them perfectly symmetric from every angle

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Hitler dies and goes in front of a hell gate...

St. Peter is waiting, judging him.

They stand in silence when Hitler breaks it:" St. Peter, where am I?"

"Hell, Hitler." he responds.

"Ya, ya, Heil Hitler, but where am I?".

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said "It's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" .

Thinking back, I really should have run but you don't get offers like that every day.

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

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Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)

One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".

"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The old feller shakes his head ...

A woman was with her boyfriend in her bedroom when she heard her husband coming up the front door.

In a panic she told her boyfriend “Hurry, stand in the corner and do not move until I tell you to. Just shut your eyes and pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this, honey?” Her husband asked walking into the room.

“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “Our neighbour...

A few minutes before the services started, satan appeared at the front of the church

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultima...

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A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a ...

I woke up one night to someone knocking on my front door.

I felt uneasy, but I went and answered it anyway. When I opened the door, I looked around, and then spotted a shellfish on my welcome mat.

"Let me in", it cried, "I'm being chased by a bunch of wasps."

That was when I realized why I felt so uneasy.

This was the clam before the s...

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A wife strips naked in front of her husband and says, "when I did this 30 years ago, what did you think?"

He replies, I was thinking I wanted to suck your tits dry and fuck your brains out."

She asks "And what are you thinking now?"

"Looks like I did a good job."

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A man gets on a bus, with both his front pants pockets filled with golf balls

He sit's down next to a beautiful blonde woman.


The blonde kept looking quizzically at him and his obviously bulging pants.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he turns to her & says, “It's golf balls.”

The blonde looked at him compassionately and said: ...

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A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

He goes inside, and asks the bartender what he needs to do to receive free beer for life. The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a bottle of vodka, " First, drink this whole bottle in one go, no cry...

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

A screwdriver Walks into a bar and takes a seat in front of the bartender.

Bartender notices and heads his way over then says “hey bud, we’ve got a drink named after you so here’s one on the house”

Confused, the screwdriver asks “wait, you have a drink named Steve?”

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

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A man sees a sign in front of a bar that states "Free Beer For 1 Year Inquire Inside"

The man goes inside and sits down at the bar, and asks the bartender about the sign he saw out front. The bartender informs him that all he has to do is complete 3 tasks, and the bar will give him free beer for one year. The man asked what the tasks were and the bartender responded. First you need t...

Two old married couples are driving to dinner. The two old wives are sitting in the back seat, the two old husbands sitting in the front seat.

Two old married couples are driving to dinner. The two old wives are sitting in the back seat, the two old husbands sitting in the front seat.

"Where are we going for dinner?" Frank asks Harry.

"I forget," Harry says. "It's, uh... it's... what's the name of the flower, the red one?"<...

Have you ever just had the urge to eat something right in front of you?

Yeah, that’s why I’m no longer a gynecologist.

If you run in front of a bus you get tired.

If you run behind the bus you get exhausted.

Why do Buddhists meditate in front of mirrors?

For optimal self reflection

How do you make a stupid joke go to the top of the front page?

Just say you heard the joke from a little kid first.

NSFW Guy is in the front row at the strip club.

NSFW

He’s quietly drinking and tipping the dancers when a particularly beautiful girl comes out and begins a sensual strip tease. The guy behind him immediately starts whooping and calling out, “yeah baby! take it off! Take it off!! woo hoo!”

As she gets completely naked and leaves the...

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Tales from the front line

Back in my Army days (mid 80s) we were on a winter training exercise with the medical battalion. Our platoon was assigned the job of being casualties for the treatment company.

They assigned us our roles told us what injuries we were supposed to have sustained then dispatched us out in the Bu...

Apparently, they once sat William Shakespeare in front of an infinite number of typewriters.

After a week, he had written "ooh aahh ooh ooh"

Irate woman to bus driver as she enters. 'what bus is this' driver 'its number 15 just like it says on the front'. irate woman 'but on the front it says 15, on the side 15a, and on the back 155' . Bus driver

'well I'm not driving backwards or sideways am i?'

The Feds have just raided a tennis club used as a front for a large Mafia organisation.

No doubt they'll be charged with racquet-eering.

I returned to my hotel after an evening of drinking, so I went to the front desk. “Excuse me, I don’t remember what room I’m in.” I said.

“No problem,” said the receptionist. “You’re in the lobby.”

What is at the back of a cow and front of a women?

Letter 'w'

Why did the general contractor insist on hiring a drag queen to install the house’s front door?

Because a drag queen always knows how to make an entrance.

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A child crashes his bike in front of a church

The priest see's this and bring the boy inside to treat him. The boy having a concussion stays the night in the church. In the middle of the night he hears a blood curling scream. The next morning he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a...

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What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Donald Trump's tie.

I used to work the front desk at this small car repair shop.

It was owned by a couple of guys, Jack and Jay. Both guys were really well known and liked around town but Jack never seemed to come into the shop.

People would come in frequently looking for Jack and I would tell them “Jays here but Jacks off all day.”

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Charles Dickens had lots of melodious metal bars outside the front of his house. Some of them were expensive, others dirt cheap.



It was the best of chimes, it was the worst of chimes.

Three men are waiting in front of the gates to heaven...

God comes to the first man and asks him how many times have you cheated on your wife? The man says “never would I cheat on my wife. I love her very much”. God looks at him for a second and says “ahh you can’t fool me, I’m god! You’ve cheated on her 10 times! As your punishment, you will have to d...

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A man places his penis in a crocodiles mouth in front of amazed onlookers

He assures the crowd that it is a well trained animal and that he is perfectly safe. To demonstrate this even further he takes a full beer bottle and smacks the Croc over the head - all while his tackle rests in the animals jaws. The Croc doesn't budge, so he does it again! Nothing.
He turn and ...

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3 farmers were talking about how they have sex with their sheep. The first one said “I put it’s back legs down my wellies so it can’t run off”. The second said “I put its back legs down my wellies and it’s front legs over a wall, gives a different position”

The third says “I put its back legs down my wellies, with it facing me and put its front legs over my shoulders”
“Why do you do that” asked the others, “well, I don’t want to miss out on the kissing”

Edit - Wellies = Wellington Boots = Gum Boots = Rubber Boots

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2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, and Blaise Pascal are playing hide and seek

Einstein is it, so he closes his eyes and starts to count. Pascal runs off to hide, but Newton doesn't budge. Right in front of Einstein he bends down and scratches a box in the dirt, one meter on a side. The he just stands there, right in the middle of the box.

Einstein opens his eyes and sa...

Every day I see my big-breasted neighbour doing gardening work in front of the house.

I really hope his wife tells him to put a shirt on someday.

What do you call the space between the front door and back door at Nando’s?

The Peri-Peri-Nium

"It’s really hot outside," a husband tells his wife, staring out the front window.

"What do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn naked?" he asks jokingly.
The wife replies without looking up from the morning paper, "They’ll probably think I married you for the money."

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Bloke is in bed with his wife having sexy time when there's a knock at the front door...

It's 2am and bloke isn't impressed but the knock is persistent so he goes downstairs. Opening the front door he sees it's blowing a gale and raining sideways and there's a man standing there, bedraggled and soaked.

"Excuse me can I have a push?" the man gasps.

"Fuck off!" says bloke, s...

Had a friend that loves to lay on my front porch in front of my door all day.

His name was Matt

A US Air Force drill instructor stood in front of his new recruits.

"Recruit Bains!" He yelled. "Where did you enlist?"

"In California, sir," Bains replied. "There was an Air Force recruiting station next to a Navy recruiting station."

"Then why," the D.I. asked, "Did you choose the Air Force?"

"Because, sir," Bains answered. "What goes up mu...

Two burly bouncers are standing outside the front of a pub.

One says "When I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's undies off!"

"Why's that?" The other asks.

The first bouncer finishes " 'cause the elastic is killing me."

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

A 90 year old couple appears in front of the judge to get a divorce.

The judge says, "My gosh you've been married for 70 years and you're 90 years old! Why would you want to get a divorce now? They reply, "We've been waiting for the kids to die."

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A man in a hotel lobby turns to go to the front desk, but he accidentally runs into a woman beside him and his elbow bumps into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'aM, iF youR hearT iS sofT aS youR breasT ,I knoW you'lL forgivE mE." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

I got fired from McDonald's for constantly eating what was in front of me

And I got fired from the gynecologist for the same reason

While my wife was in labor, I read her the front page from /r/Jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused...

It must have been the delivery...

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A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

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Last time I stayed at a hotel I asked the front desk for a wake up call.

She called me twenty minutes later and said, "what the fuck are you doing with your life?"

You're in Africa, a Lion and a Jaguar are in front of you, but your pistol only has one round left. What do you do?

Shoot the Lion, get in the Jaguar and drive away.

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Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

Im going to open up a place with a bar in the front and gambling in the back.

Its going to be called "Liquor in the front, poker in the back"

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It was a dark and rainy night…..

Our hero’s car had broken down right in front of an old looking mansion.

After knocking, an old Chinese man came to the door. “ I was wondering if it’s at all possible you might have a room for me for the night. I will be out of your hair the next morning and on my way to the service stati...

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog of course ... at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

Had the most bizarre experience before the quarantine, when I sat down in a movie theater and noticed that the man in front of me had brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and I was astounded.

When the lights come up I tap the dog's owner o...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

Three women are changing at the gym when a man wearing nothing but a ski mask enters the changeroom and starts dancing in front of the women.

The first woman looks at the man and says, "I don't know who this guy is, but he isn't my husband!"

The second woman takes a closer look at the man. Then she turns to the first woman and says, "You are right. He isn't your husband."

The third woman takes an even closer look and says, "...

A lawyer dies and appears in front of the golden gates of heaven...

He finds himself at the back of a long queue of Popes.

Suddenly, St. Peter grabs him and takes him straight through the pearly gates.

“I don’t understand" the lawyer said puzzled. “There's hundreds of Popes waiting in line and you've let me in before them. Why?"

“Sir,” said St...

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A school bus full of Catholic girls get in a terrible accident

Nobody survives. All the girls find themselves standing in line at The Pearly Gates. At the front of the line is the angel Gabriel, next to him is a bowl of holy water.

He asks the first girl, "Lucy, have you ever touched a penis before?" Lucy responds, "Well... just once. Billy showed me hi...

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her.

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they...

Every morning, a very religious woman stands on her front porch and says, "Lord, I thank thee for this day."

The woman has an atheist neighbour who is driven up a wall by this, so one day he comes up with a plan to teach her a lesson.

That night, when the woman is fast asleep, the atheist buys a huge basket of food and leaves it on the woman's front porch.

The next morning, when the woman ste...

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A farmer is worried that his sex life with his wife is getting a bit dry (NSFW)

They go to see a therapist, who asks them what they think the problem is. The wife says, "I just don't have time for it, I'm too busy cooking, cleaning, doing the laundry and everything else. Sex is starting to lose its appeal".

The farmer is disheartened to hear this, but listens to the ther...

When my Girlfriend tried to kiss me in front of my friends, i quickly shut her down.

She looked at me with big disappointed eyes and asked me "Are you ashamed of beeing seen kissing me?"

When i told her i was, she ran of crying.


I felt really bad for the rest of the day, but i just can't lie to my own family

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Mr. & Mrs. Johnson live on a farm by themselves. One day, an Alien spaceship lands in front of their house.

As the Johnsons go to investigate, the ship’s doors open and two aliens that look similar to humans walk out. Speaking perfect English, the aliens make a proposition to the Johnsons to trade partners for the night to understand human sexual behavior. The Johnsons, curious of what the experience woul...

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A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan

That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere.

As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor.

The next morning he wakes up to fi...

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Did I tell you about my trick for getting to the front of the line at gas stations?

I call it my gas trick bypass.

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

Two hillbillies were sipping shine on the front porch

When a truck went passed loaded up with rolls of sod.

“I’m a-gonna do that when I win that there lottery” announced hillbilly #1.

“Do wuuuut?” Asked hillbilly #2.

“Send my lawn out to git mowed.”

Saw an old lady sitting alone in her front yard; in a canoe. I thought to myself...

Now there's someone who could use a good paddle.

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An elderly couple were sitting on their front porch one evening, when the wife picks up her cane and whaps her husband across the shins.

"All right woman! What the hell was that for?" he yells.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex." she replies.

A few minutes later, the husband picks up his cane and whaps his wife across the shins.

"Ow!!" she yells. "What the hell was THAT for??"

The husband looks at her and...

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me

. On a related note...…………………. I suck at darts.

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A man driving down the road sees a sign in front of a house that says “$5 for talking dog”

The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.

The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”

To which the man rocking simply points to th...

I was checking out at supermarket today when I noticed the man in front of me put only one thing on the conveyor belt...

A box of condoms. Not only did he notice me staring but decided to make super uncomfortable eye contact.

So to lighten the mood I put my bottle of ketchup on the belt and said "looks like we've both bought something to put on our sausages"

TIFU by spraying some neighborhood kids who were biking in front of my yard with my hose

Turned out I pulled out my gun.

On a cold, snowy day, a man's car has a flat tire in front of a mental hospital.

As he's trying to change the tire, several patients are watching him through holes in the fence. He puts the hubcap down on the snow, and starts putting the loose lug nuts in the hubcap. When he gets the wheel off, he accidentally steps on the edge of the hubcap, and the lug nuts go flying off in...

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I kn...

Every morning after waking up, I find that someone has left a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.

I don’t know what to make of it.

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. They step up to a par 3.

Jesus is up first. He drives the ball short, into the water trap in front of the green. So Jesus, being Jesus, walks on the water, chips the ball onto the green and putts for par.

Moses is next. He drives the ball into the same water trap. So Moses, being Moses, parts the water, chips the bal...

A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.

Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.

The biologist says - “They must’ve reproduced!”

The physicist says - “This must be a measurement error!”

The mathematician says - “If one more person enters, the house...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer play golf.

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer are out playing a round of golf. Partway through their game, they realize that the group in front is taking forever to move through the course. Frustrated, they ask the groundskeeper what's going on. The groundskeeper, visibly emotional, says:

"Well, I'm af...

3 friends walk into a room.

Never seen this joke on here, but I’m gonna be honest, also didn’t check or look for it first.

An engineer, a scientist, and a theoretical mathematician walk into a room. A fire breaks out and the scientist grabs the fire extinguisher and squirts one tiny spot and the fire goes out.

T...

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A priest checks into a hotel room and says to the front desk "I hope the porn is disabled"

The front desk lady says to him "no, it's just normal porn you sick fuck"

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

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Boob is the perfect word.

B - top view
oo - front view
b - side view

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arriv...

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A curious gentleman came over and asked what he was doing. "Fishing", the old man said simply. "Poor old fool", the gentleman thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

He felt he ...

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At a U2 concert in Belfast,Ireland

Bono asked the audience for total silence.

Then in the silence he started to clap his hands. Once every few seconds.

Keeping the audience in silence he said into the microphone, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

From the front of the crowd a broad Irish acc...

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3 guys died and went to heaven

As they were standing in front of the pearly Gates jesus appeared before them and explained, unfortunately we have been running at full capacity and at the moment we can only let in people in who died in an especially horrific way.

The first guy started to explain how he died. I left work ea...

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Look down the front of your shirt, and spell "Attic" out loud.

One genuine dad joke for your amusement!

Why do women have flowers on the front of their underwear?

In loving memory of all faces buried there.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

A man hears tapping at his front door.

He goes to answer the door, opens it, looks out, and sees nothing. Annoyed, he closes the door and goes to sit on his couch. Right before he sits down, he hears tapping at the front door again.

Again, he opens the door and sees nothing. Again, he heads back to his couch and right before sit...

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A man and his wife are lying in bed when they hear a knock at the door.

The man hears that the wind is blowing a gale and the rain is is getting heavier and decides it was just the wind and goes back to sleep.

A few minutes later they hear it again so his wife says "Honey, go check it out. It might be bad news"
The man reluctantly agrees and goes to the front ...

How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

After I'm gone...

A woman walked outside a doctor’s office after recently being diagnosed with cancer. She was grieving but tried to compose herself in front of her daughter, who was waiting for her outside.

She broke the news to her daughter by saying, “We women celebrate every news, whether good or bad. I ha...

Moth Inspector

A man and a woman are getting it on in bed when they hear the front door open. The woman says, "It's my husband! You'd better hide."
She throws his clothes under the bed and he hides behind the curtains. Her husband comes in, sees her all hot and sweaty, and the sheets all messed up. He looks ...

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned: Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?

His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom t...

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How to cure Snoring (Dog & Husband version)

A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snori...

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My smart ass mouth always gets me in trouble.

I was rear-ended, which caused me to rear-end the car in front of me. The driver, who was a dwarf, approached
aggressively after the accident yelling, "I am NOT happy."

I decided that I would try to lighten things up and answered,
"OK, I can see that, but then which one are you?" ...

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

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A vampire masturbating in front of a mirror

Bet you didn't see that coming.

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A cab driver picks up a Nun...

The driver looks in the rear view mirror and says, "Excuse me sister, I've always fantasised about having sex with a nun."

The nun replies, "Yeah, you and everyone else. Tell me are you a Catholic?"

"Actually I am" says the cabbie.

The nun then climbs into the front seat and giv...

An Irishman walks into a Bar

An Irishman walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants. The bartender takes a look at him and asks, what's the deal with that steering wheel?

The Irishman responds " Aye, Its driving me nuts"

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his...

A man is standing in front of a grave

Clutching his hands together, he was crying "Oh why did you die? Oh why did you die?!"

A compassionate man passing by said
"Who was that, your wife?"

The man said "No, my wife's first husband."

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A man is walking along the Las Vegas strip, and meets the most beautiful woman he's ever seen....

He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her.

"How much for a hand-job?"

"$5,000" she replies.

"$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way."

"Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a re...

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

What do I do?

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to ...

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An academic from Oxford University is writing a paper on sheep shagging technique.

Having no personal experience on the subject, he decides to travel across the country and interview farmers from different regions to find out how they shag their sheep.

First, he visits a farmer in Scotland and asks him what his sheep shagging technique is.

“Well laddy, after grabbi...

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

A Regimental Sergeant Major is inspecting his troops on the Parade ground at the end of a day's training....

.... as they line up in front of the CO, the RSM calls out.

"Before you are all dismissed I have an announcement. Private Jones. one step forward ... MARCH!!"

Private Jones steps forward from the first line of soldiers.

"Private Jones .... your Mother is dead. FALL IN!!"
...

So much nudity online these days . . .

. . . sometimes I just sit in front of my laptop shaking my fist.

Larry Goes To Get Prayer For His Hearing

Larry goes to the revival and listens to the preacher.
After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar.

Larry gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:
"Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

...

My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup

The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a sea...

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A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

He puts a frog on the table in front of him.

A woman at the other end of the bar watches as the man just sits there drinking while the frog watches him. Curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she walks up to the man and asks, "What's with the frog?"

The man looks at the woman and...

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With Apologies To Abbot And Costello

There were these two kids who ran away from their home in Why, Arizona. One was a tall, white kid. The other was a short, Asian kid. After running away from home, a police officer notices them. They were caught milking baby gila monsters for their venom. The cop didn't want to send them to juvi...

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, no...

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I flopped my cock out in front of a girl last night and said, "Do you like my new piercing?"

After staring at my penis for 30 seconds she said, "Where's the piercing then?"

I said, "In my ear."

A guy is waiting for the bus in front of a mental institution

There is a tall wooden fence surrounding it. The man starts hearing a group of people on the other side of the fence yelling "14, 14, 14!" So he walks over and finds a small hole. When he ducks down to peek through, all of a sudden he gets poked in the eye.



The people on the other si...

What does the electronic music ambassador have in front of their house?

A Diplo-mat.

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A Bishop has been arrested for failing to stop sexual abuse happening directly in front of him. He claimed he was powerless to stop it

because he could only move diagonally.

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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

I was queuing to go into the supermarket when the man in front of me farted.

Before I could say anything, he said, "If you heard anything it means you're not following social distancing. But if you can smell it, luckily for you it means that you're covid negative!"

A doctor puts up a sign in front of his hospital.

The sign reads, if I can cure you, I get $20. If I can’t cure you, I pay you $100. A lawyer decides that it’s his time to shine, so goes to the doctor.
“Doctor, I cant taste anything anymore. Please cure me!”
The doctor tells his nurse to get him some of drawer 33.
“Wait a second,” the lawy...

In honor of the other math joke I saw on the front page

A mountain climber is climbing a mountain from the bottom along it’s only path. A mosquito starts at the top and follows the path downwards. Where do the two meet?

Nowhere. You can’t cross a scalar and a vector.

Two families meet on the road in the middle of the Afghan desert

"Peace be with you,brother ", says one man, "pray, tell me, why is your wife walking in front of you, when the Coran says the woman must follow her man"

"Well, when the Coran was written, there were no antipersonnel mines buried in the desert"

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In Texas, close to the border with Mexico, there was a priest who hated Mexicans

That Sunday, after reading the Bible, the priest started his sermon:

"Today we'll reflect on Peter's lie about being a follower of Jesus. That night, Peter acted as a coward and a liar, just like these damn Mexicans we see every day in this town!"

The whole congregation started to shou...

George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump are dead and stand in front of god.

God asks Bush: “So? What do you believe in?”

Bush answers: “I believe in a free market, a strong America and a United nation.”

God says: “Very good. Why don’t you take a seat to my right.” And Bush takes his seat.

He turns to Obama and asks: “And what do you believe in?”
...

A doctor is eating a late lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant when he hears the dreaded words:

"Is there a doctor in the building?!"

He strides to the back where he sees the manager and a patron who looks pale and shaky.

"We've just had two people come down with some kind of sickness," the manager says, "the lady here, and another gentleman in the bathroom."

"How do you ...

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive.

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor. “Look, I was having a gin and to...

I don’t see what’s so hard about getting on the front page around here...

Everybody loves cake

Siri, why am I single?

Siri: *activates front camera*

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

A man finds a full grown gorilla in a tree.

Man comes home from work to find a big ole gorilla in a tree in his front yard. Thinking he's gonna need some help with this, he looks up gorilla removal services in the yellow pages. He finds Dave and Rosco's full time gorilla removal and calls them up.

Dave says he and Rosco will rush right...

A supposedly true story

One day, in Great Britain, two Muslim schoolgirls were chatting away to each other in a foreign language on a public bus. The man sitting in front of them turned around and said, "This is England. Speak English." The woman in front of him turned around and said, "Actually, this is Wales and they're ...

Here is an actual sign posted in a golf club.

1. Back straight, knees bent.
2. Feet shoulder width apart.
3. Form a loose grip.
4. Keep your head down!
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please...

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I said to the woman in front of me on the bus...

“Excuse me ma’am, but you have some semen on your sweater.”

“Oh,” she replied, “it’s probably just yogurt.”

“I kinda doubt that,” I said, “I’m pretty sure I don’t ejaculate yogurt.”

Just In Time

A cop was on night patrol driving up near lover's lookout when he noticed a parked car with a young man reading on the front seat and a young woman knitting on the back seat. He pulled over and walked up to their car. "What are you doing, Son?" the cop asked. "Reading," the young man answered. The c...

A nun asks her class, “When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?”

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him.

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that he found him on. The next town wasn’t for miles, so he’d have to stay the night ...

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books...

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on my front step.

I have fallen on some hard Times.

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The Motorcycle

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a FOR SALE sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it ...

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Sheep shagging

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

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