A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.

Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.

The biologist says - “They must’ve reproduced!”

The physicist says - “This must be a measurement error!”

The mathematician says - “If one more person enters, the house...

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

‟Hurry!” she said. ‟Stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. ‟Do not move until I tell you to,” she whispered. ‟Just pretend you are a statue.”

‟What‘s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

‟Oh, ...

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life...

...when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a...

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned: Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?

His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom t...

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers zombifyingly, "Take all the money in your purse, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil...

My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they...

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Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

My bosses tie

Customer: “Which row are the pickles in? And are they in the front or back?”

Terminator: “Aisle B, back”

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I flopped my cock out in front of a girl last night and said, "Do you like my new piercing?"

After staring at my penis for 30 seconds she said, "Where's the piercing then?"

I said, "In my ear."

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I said to the woman in front of me on the bus...

“Excuse me ma’am, but you have some semen on your sweater.”

“Oh,” she replied, “it’s probably just yogurt.”

“I kinda doubt that,” I said, “I’m pretty sure I don’t ejaculate yogurt.”

George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump are dead and stand in front of god.

God asks Bush: “So? What do you believe in?”

Bush answers: “I believe in a free market, a strong America and a United nation.”

God says: “Very good. Why don’t you take a seat to my right.” And Bush takes his seat.

He turns to Obama and asks: “And what do you believe in?”
...

A Trump supporter dies and is standing in front of God

God: is there anything I can do for you?

Trump Supporter: can you tell me if the Democrats stole the election?

God: of course not, the Democrats didn’t steal the election!

Trump Supporter: Gasp! The Deep State goes higher than I thought!

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A priest checks into a hotel room and says to the front desk "I hope the porn is disabled"

The front desk lady says to him "no, it's just normal porn you sick fuck"

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me

. On a related note...…………………. I suck at darts.

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A vampire masturbating in front of a mirror?

Bet you didn’t see that coming!

A little boy’s parents were getting divorced and he was in front of the judge....

“Well, little boy, I’ve decided you’re going to live with your mother.”

“NOOOOOOOOO! Not my mom! She beats me!!!!!” Screamed the kid.

“Oh. That’s terrible. Ok. Well, your father, then.”

“NOOOOOOO! Not my father! He beats me, too!”

The judge was totally perplexed. He has n...

What do you call a Subway manager who spends too much time helping make sandwiches up front and not enough time back in the office attending to business matters?

Counter productive.

A wheelie bin collector turns up to a new collection address only to find no bin out the front, so he walks up the driveway and knocks on the door...

An unkempt man with a cagey expression opens the door.

"Hey mate. Where's your bin?" the collector asks.

Nervously the man stammers, "Aah... I... I's bin in hospital"

"Nah mate" corrects the collector, "Where's your bin? Where's your wheelie bin?"

Looking defeated, the m...

A doctor puts up a sign in front of his hospital.

The sign reads, if I can cure you, I get $20. If I can’t cure you, I pay you $100. A lawyer decides that it’s his time to shine, so goes to the doctor.
“Doctor, I cant taste anything anymore. Please cure me!”
The doctor tells his nurse to get him some of drawer 33.
“Wait a second,” the lawy...

I don't trust the tree in my front yard.

It seems kind of shady.

During World War 2, the Germans on the front line put up a sign "Gott Mit Uns"

The English replied with a sign of their own "We got mittens too"

Real story.

I'm afraid of being vulnerable in front of X-Ray Technicians.

They can see right through me.

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, a...

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A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?

She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."

A person in a lab coat places a glass half-filled with a yellow liquid in front of 4 people.

Immediately, the first person pipes up, "Ah, I see the glass is half full!" This person is an optimist.

The second person states, "Naw man, why would he bring us a half-full glass? He obviously drank some. It's now half empty." This person is a pessimist.

The third person scoffs, "Why ...

A traveling salesman is driving down a country road one day, and spies a farmhouse with a pig sty just off the front porch.

Finding this to be a little odd, he slows down to take a closer look, and sees a single, well cared-for pig in the sty. Odder still, on closer inspection, he sees that the pig has one wooden leg.

Consumed with curiosity, he heads up the driveway to the farmer's home, hops out of his car, and ...

Someone stole all the grass from the front of my house!

I guess it's time to call the lawn enforcement.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts arguing in front of you.

They could've at least waited until I got dressed and left.

What is it called when the plate stole the cups date right in front of them?

A BOWLD MOVE!


it’s 6AM here and I rushed on here to type it before I forgot...so enjoy

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

A woman answered her front doo

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging...

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A newcomer notices a barrel in town with a hole in the side and a long line to stand in front of it...

It's a small town, pretty isolated, and a little rough but the citizens all seem friendly. When the person asks "why are so many people waiting to stand in front of the barrel?", an old-timer tells them to wait in line and find out.

Sure enough, the newcomer waits their turn and after about 4...

My neighbor has found out the scariest Halloween front yard decoration ever

Its a vote for trump sign

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk.

A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

The librarian complies, putting a couple of books...

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

A group of Franciscan Monks arrived at the front of the Playboy Mansion

They all started setting up shops. One by one, they would close down, and the only carts that remained sold flowers.

The police and the media started to show up, amazed that the monks were able to sell flowers on the Playboy Mansion front steps. Passers by would buy a rose, and pass the house...

A man who runs in front of a car gets tired,

a man who runs behind a car gets exhausted.

I went to get my hair cut today but there were so many in front of me.

After an hour the manager started to hand out hot dogs and burgers as an apology for the long wait.

It was the Best Barber Queue ever!

Somebody keeps leaving pictures of Kylie Minogue in the bushes in front of my house.

I just can’t get her out of my hedge.

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A guy walks into a brothel and ask that the three most requested girls are brought in front of him(long)

A beautiful blond, brunette and a red head now stand before him, yet he simply can't decide who to pick. The man turns to the blond and ask. "Why are you so popular with the customers?"

She smiles an replies "You may not believe this, but when I get screwed in my ass really good, it congratul...

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A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch

Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.

Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.

His eyes watered and tears ran down ...

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So...I was at this party last night and I was waiting in the keg line to get a drink, when some drunk douchebag starts punching me, the guy in front of me, and the guy behind me

I said: “What the hell’s your problem man? We’re just standing here!”

The dude says: “Oh shit, I thought this was the punchline!”

Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his front porch?

So he could greet visitors with a handshake.

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A woman decides to pick up a dozen bagels for her co-workers...

...so she stops by a local bakery on the way to work and there is a huge line. She waits a while, gets up to the front, and tells the man behind the counter "I'd like a dozen bagels please".

"I'm sorry, but we're out of bagels."

The woman says never mind then and proceeds to leave the...

What would you do if an elephant sat in front of you at the movies?

Miss most of the picture.

My ex gf wanted to embarrass me, and attempted to do so by loudly proclaiming in front of her friends how bad I was in bed.

You should have seen the look on her face when they all disagreed.

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

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A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler.

The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a sip of your beer?" The Grandpa replied, "Does your dick touch your asshole?” The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not old enough to have a beer."

A little later the grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I ...

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.

The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.

"I'm s...

Why do brass instruments have huge holes at the front of them?

So you can have sax with them.

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor."

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.

How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

An elderly lady called the front desk to complain.

“I am most offended! There is a man bathing in the room across the courtyard. His windows are open and you can see everything. Please do something about it at once.”


The manager arrived at her room. “Please show me what you mean and we will fix it right away.” The lady led him to her win...

A Man in a Hotel has trouble finding his room. He goes down to the front desk and asks ' Sorry, can you tell me what room I'm in please? '

Certainly Sir, said the Receptionist...this is the Lobby.

How does Marilyn Manson know who's at the front door?

The beautiful peephole, the beautiful peephole.

Me and my friend set out looking for the last of a species with ears on the front of their heads.

It’s the final front-ear

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

What's the difference between a dog barking on the front porch and an angry spouse yelling on the back porch?

The dog quits barking once it’s back inside the house

Stable hand asks his boss: What does it mean that i found a horseshoe in front of the stables this morning?

His boss answers: Means that one of our horses ran off in his socks again!

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Three men have died and are at heaven's gate in front of Saint Peter

^((I only heard it in German, hope I translated it ok))

Saint Peter says "I'm sorry, we're a little short on space here, so we have a new policy. We only let people in who died in an interesting way." He then points to the first man and asks "so, how did you die?"

The first man starts,...

Iron Man stands in front of his magic mirror one morning,

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the ferrous of them all?"

A Police Officer Knocks on a Woman's Front Door

A police officers knock on a woman's front door.

Woman: "Hello officer!"

Officer: "Hi mam, I come bearing grim news I'm afraid"

Woman: "and what's that now?!"

Officer: "Well I regret to inform you that your husband and young son's bodies were found. Luckily they both were...

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

I was in front of a grocery story, some guy came up to me.

He said "Hey, do you have a moment to help save the environment?" I said "Absolutely." So he gave me a pamphlet, I recycled it right away.

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An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."  Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That evening at suns...

I went to an apple orchard today. I had a lot of fun but I kind of embarrassed myself in front of the attractive tour guide.

Yeah, I slipped in cider.

A Man Stands In front of a Taco Truck and Reads the Menu.

It reads:

Taco $2
Burrito$6
Handjob$10

He walks up to the window and there is a beautiful woman at the register.

"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" He says, ahnding her ten dollars.

"Yes I am." She answers seductively.

"Well wash your hands, I want 5 ...

Put some lettuce, sliced tomatoes, cucumber in front of a chicken, what does it see?

The chicken sees a salad!

Why should you never get undressed in front of a Pokemon?

They might Pikachu

What do you call a Rick Astley song that makes it to the front page?

A rick r/all

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A priest, an atheist, and a monk walk into a bar.

~~A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant~~

~~A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.~~

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

T...

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A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender

I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference." 

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch...

I was at this girls house and we were having a particularly zesty session on her kitchen table. She heard a noise out front and she says, "Oh no! It's my husband! Quick, the back door!!"

In hindsight, I should've ran, but you don't get an offer like that every day.

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Three men and their wives are in front of the Pearly Gates...

The first couple approaches St. Peter. He looks in his book and says to the husband, "In life you were so obsessed with money that you married a woman named Penny. I'm sorry, but you won't be able to come in." He gestures towards the elevator down to hell.

The next couple steps up. Peter look...

I never argue with my brother for the front seat

Last time i called shotgun, he drew one

After a long day, I come home to see that someone tore the front and back pages of my dictionary.

It just went from bad to worse.

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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

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A family was driving by in their car, when a dildo from a garbage truck, which was in front of them, came out flying

Such a dick move

I just drew a sketch of myself wearing a rolex in front of a giant mansion with a bunch of lambos all around me

So on paper I'm a millionaire.

Walking through Chinatown, a backpacker saw a Chinese laundry with the sign: "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"

'Sigurd Kristiansen? How the hell does that name fit in here?' he wondered.
So he decided to check it out. He entered to see an elderly Chinese man behind the counter.
'How did this Chinese laundry get a name like "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"?' the backpacker asked.
The elderly Chinese re...

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I was at the front of the bus with my sister.

This old man said, "When are you two getting off?"

"We're fucking related you sick bastard," I replied.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood

Who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."
The beleaguered woman said, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.
So of course the man said - "Was I ...

What does the sign in front of an out of business brothel say?

Beat it, we’re closed

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While having sex with my wife, the next door neighbour knocked on our front door.

You couldn't believe my surprise when I opened it.

Ok - I finally understand my life.

On the first day, God created the dog and said, ‟Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”The dog said, ‟That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I will give you back the other ...

Whenever my wife starts to sing, I immediately go stand in the front yard

I don’t want any of the neighbors to think I’m hitting her

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

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This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

A lady of the house lost three pairs of expensive panties and blamed the maid, in front of her husband.

The maid looked at the husband and said "Sir, you're my witness. You know I never wear panties."

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sit down on a chair in front of barista and orders a drink.

While barista was preparing drink, he pulls out a 8-inch man from his pocket who has a small piano, and that small guy starts to play a great tune.

Surprised, the barista asks the man, "Where did you...

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I met this girl the other day and she

tok me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

‟Oh shit , it’s my boyfriend ! ” she exclaimed ‟Quick, use the backdoor” .

Now it's at about this time ...

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

I was in the petrol station queue and there was a bloke in front of me his right arm was browner than the other...

He saw me looking, so I nodded to his arm and asked if he was a taxi driver.

He replied, "No. I'm a vet."

A man was driving on the highway when suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a box falling off the truck front of him.

Seconds later, a police officer pulled him over for reckless driving. As the officer was writing the ticket, the driver noticed that the box he'd avoided had been full of nails and tacks.

"I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and blown my tires!" he protested.

"Okay," replied t...

A duck goes in front of the judge. The judge asks the duck "what are you here for?"

Judge-what are you here for?

Duck- they caught me blowing bubbles in the lake.

Judge- thats stupid! Case dismissed.

*Another duck goes in front of the judge.*

Judge- what are you here for?

Duck- they caught me blowing bubbles in the lake.

Judge- thats stupi...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon....

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The dist...

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Three guys are drinking at a bar.

After several drinks, the first one gets up to leave. "Where do you think you're going?" ask the others. He says, "Guys I'd love to stay but I have to cut myself off. The last time we got together, I was so drunk. When I got home, I blew chunks right on the living room floor in front of my wife and ...

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Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

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If there's a girl sitting in front of you with her ass crack showing and you drop Tic Tacs down there, what you call it?

Her-ass-mint

Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...

There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:

\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...

The small man:

\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank accoun...

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

A penguin is on a long-deserved vacation from the zoo.

He decides to take a road trip out west, where his car breaks down. Luckily, it's right in front of a mechanic in town.

He drops the car off and tells the mechanic he's going to get some lunch. Its a really hot day, so after eating he stops by the ice cream shop for a little treat.

...

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Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker...

He’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”

She says, “A h...

A king has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name?

King Philip III

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A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.

“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happene...

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A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes right into her bosom.

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your bosom, i know you'll forgive me. "
She turned to him and said " And if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 211"

Patrick died and went to the gates of heaven

There he saw a man with a halo sitting behind a table waiting. As he approached the Saint looked up and Patrick saw two keys hanging around his neck on a chain, the keys to the pearly gates themselves. This must be St. Peter, Patrick thought.

''Hello Patrick. I just have to check through you...

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My neighbour knocked on my front door.

"Would you mind looking after the kids today?" she asked.

"Maybe," I replied. "How come?"

"Because one of yours is taking a shit on our front lawn!" she yelled.

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

I kept wondering why the ball was floating in front of me

Then it hit me

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man. "...

What's it called when a gaming console can fight something in front of and behind it?

Backwards combat ability

I executed a joke in front of five friends

Now there are four left.

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A man was eating at a restaurant ...

When he noticed all the servers had spoons in their pocket.

Curious, he asked his server “why do all of you carry spoons?”

“Oh that’s interesting,” replied the server. “Our manager attended a seminar and found out the spoon is the most frequently dropped utensil. This way we are alway...

A man walks into a brothel and speaks to the Old Madame up front.

The Madame asks “What kind of girl would you like?”

The man says, “Well looks aren’t important, I just need a girl who’ll say yes to anything. And I mean anything.”

“Well that shouldn’t be too hard,” chuckled the Madame. “Jennifer! Come over and help this man here.” And with that, a go...

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A Man is holding auditions for a pianist and in comes the last one..

He comes in and starts the play the most beautiful song the man has ever heard. The song is so beautiful the man starts crying and ask, “What is the name of that song?”

The pianist then says “Oh, this song right here? It’s called my bone in your ass.”

The man then takes a moment and g...

Little Johnny is sitting on the front step crying....

His dad asks what's wrong son. Little Johnny says, "I was watching you and mummy in the bed and it was scary, what were you doing to mummy?"
Dad replies, "Well son, we were ah making you a baby brother"
"Oh, ok" says Little Johnny.
That night dad comes home from work and little Johnny is cr...

Two beggars were sitting side by side in front of the Love Fountain in Rome, Italy.

One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the box of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope came to the area. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar wh...

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

Two boys were misbehaving... ...so their mother went to the local priest to look for advice. The priest thought it would be best if the boys learned integrity, by way of understanding that "God is everywhere, and He sees everything you do so you shouldn't misbehave."

The mother and the priest thought it best that the priest talked to the boys, so the mother agreed to take the boys in one at a time to talk to the priest.

She brought the first boy (Ray) to the church and left the second boy (Jim) at home. She took Ray into the priest's office and stayed out...

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

Two homeless are on the street in front of the Vatican...

One has a big cross and the other a star of David. The pope sees them and stops his whole entourage to go speak to them. He says to the beggar under the star of David, "my son this is a Catholic country. You're never going to get any charity with this Jewish emblem above you, especially as the fell...

One day God visits St. Peter at the pearly gates and tells him heaven is too crowded and to not let so many people in and gives St Peter a quota for each day.

Later that day 3 men approach looking for entrance into heaven. Peter turns to the men and tells them that only 1 of them is able to enter into heaven. To decide which one gets in he asks them how they died. He tells them that the man with the best death story will get into heaven.

The first ...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

I was driving down the road at night when a deer jumped in front of my car.

I slammed the brakes and he looked at me . I saw fear in his eyes .

Then he turned and ran for his deer life .

Three old grannies are on a park bench when a very attractive naked young man runs by in front of them.

The three old ladies, who hadn't had action in decades, fixed their eyes on the handsome hunk and gasped. Janice pressed her hand on her heart and said, "wow, that whippersnapper damn near gave me a heart attack." Edna, rubbing her neck, added, "I almost had an asthma attack!" Lydia, still reaching ...

A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God...

" there is one thing I've always wanted to know"

"Ok, ask away," God said.

" Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked

" The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god.

The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes hi...

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A librarian was organizing her books when a man in a dark suit walked up.

"Hey, I'm Steven. I'll pay you $20000 if you show me your nipples tomorrow."

The librarian was shocked. $20000 was a solid 6 months of work. Dumbfounded, she nodded her head. Steven then left without a word of acknowledgement.

That night, the librarian had a lot trouble falling asleep...

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I own a farm and this morning one of my farmhands was dancing naked in front of the tractor.

I asked what the hell are you doing?


He said his wife and him were having problems and the marriage counselor told him he had to do something sexy to a tractor.

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A famous magician is doing a show one night in front of a packed audience. All is going well, the people love his acts, until this one guy shouts "Aaahhh, that's bullshit! That's not magic, that's just tricks! Any idiot can do that!"

Unfazed, the magician continues, doing another one of his best acts until the same unruly guy shouts "Oh come on! Everybody knows that's just tricks, that's not real magic!"


The magician, a little rattled at this point, decides to pull out his best ever act, and cuts a guy in half on stag...

So, A man is pulled over......

A man stops on a traffic signal and is waiting.Suddenly the police asks him to pull over.He pulls over the car and and the police sees that the man is wearing his seatbelt and looks fine.

The police is satisfied and pleased to see a good samaritan.He hands the man $100 and says:

Police...

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Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Two guys are playing golf.......

The women in front of them are really taking their time and are slowing the men up.

So one man says to his friend, ‟I am gonna go ask those ladies if we can play through.”

He starts walking, but about halfway there, he turns around. When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.
...

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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her front pocket and thinks:

Some asshole has my pen

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women."

The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."

A bus load of Senior citizens were traveling to a casino. Halfway into the trip, a little old lady walked up to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus.

The driver told her he would check it out at the Casino. So she went back to her seat and sat down. Five minutes later a second little old lady walked to the front of the bus and told the driver they had a pervert on the bus ... Since this was the second complaint in five minutes, he thought he had ...

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During the height of the Great Patriotic War, Stalin is listening to the updates his marshals give him on the situation on the fronts

When the meeting is over, Zhukov is the first one to step out.

"Mustachioed asshole" he mumbles as he slams the door.

Stalin's personal secretary, Poskrebyshev happens to hear Zhukov's outburst. Being the loyal servant to the cause, he immediately reports it to his boss. Stalin orders...

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the front door.

He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry...

A US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies...

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. “What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend et...

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