When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's an old farmer with 3 beautiful daughters. He is very protective of them and meets every potential suitor at the front door, with a loaded shotgun in his hands.

Sure enough, come Saturday evening there's a knock at the door. The farmer jumps up, throws open the door and points his shotgun at the young man.

The fellow is a little startled, but manages to say "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm here to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"...

Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front

Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet?

Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born.

Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy?

Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head.

Girl 3: Jwoandb...

The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they spe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's j...

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.

I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving.

Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!

I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom.

I sprinkled some more over the bed.

I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table.

I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening she's ever had, I was slightly...

I always knock on the front door of my fridge ...

Just in case there is a salad dressing .

This was horrible lol

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old man was sitting on his front porch....

He watches a boy walk by with chicken wire.

Old man: “hey boy, what are you doing with that chicken wire”

Boy: “I’m going to catch some chickens!”

Old man “that’s not how that works, but have fun”

An hour later the boy comes back with a stringer of chickens

Next d...

What did the Muslim guy say when his joke made the front page?

EDIT: This blew up.

Source: Am Muslim guy.

After a long day’s work, I came home and saw my kid ripping off the front and back pages of my dictionary.

Things just went from Bad to Worse.

If I ran a night club I'd hire a rabbit to guard the front door.

I heard they're good bouncers.

Your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door. Who do you let in?

The dog of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pastor was nervous abouts speaking in front of his congregation

so he put a glass of vodka next to his water glass

the next day he had a note on his desk saying

don't chug the vodka

there are 12 disciples not ten

there are ten commandments not 12

we do not refer to the trinity as daddy junior and the spook

david slew gol...

A man stands in front of a food truck....

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One thing I really enjoy doing is wearing nothing but a colorful tight bikini bottom that shows off my cock, and then going and strutting around in front of other men and letting them ogle me.

Or as it's also known, "Bodybuilding"

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"

The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.

The first guy says, "What's wrong?"

The second guy says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

The first guy says, ...

We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”

I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”

A man arrives at the front door of a brothel, a woman answers and notices the man has no arms or legs. The woman says "what are we supposed to do with you?"

The man replies "I rang the doorbell didn't I?!"

Richard, a good friend of mine, insisted that it's now impossible to get a "repost" to the front page of /r/jokes...

"Every joke ever written has been posted to Reddit and there is nothing left to joke about." Said Richard and he even suggesting many of you would agree.

"Put your money down on the table, I bet I can get a "repost" to the front page!" I replied with a sense of regret as I soon as I said tho...

I saw a couple making out in front of the kids at LEGOLAND.

I said "C'mon you guys, build a room!"

I’d make a joke about food in front of starving children

But they wouldn’t get it.

I'm so white

&#x200B;

&#x200B;

&#x200B;

&#x200B;

... my laptop screen dims as I sit in front of it.

When i got my gun license, first thing i did was cut off a bear’s front legs. No legal action was taken

Because i had the right to bear arms

My older, attractive next door neighbor had a seizure on her front yard today.

The MILF shakes brought paramedics to the yard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of my grandfather's favorite jokes; namely because after he told it to me I told it in front of my speech class in high school and he found that to be the funniest thing he ever heard.

One day a good ole country boy went to work in a general store. Things are fine, but after awhile the owner gets called out on an emergency.

The owner tells the good ole boy, "Whenever someone comes in you get them what they want."

So the owner leaves and a man comes in and tells the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's the Spring of 1957 and Paddy goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Ciara's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.
"That's cool," says Paddy.
Ciara's father asks Paddy what they're planning to do. Paddy replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Ciara's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw?...

What is the mathematical formula for the sound of a front door closing?

It's the base decibel level raised to the power of n. The exponent n represents the number of hours ago you told your wife you'd be home.

A property manager for an apartment complex dies and soon finds himself standing in front of St. Peter.

St. Peter tells him "You have a choice of going to heaven or to hell and I suggest you check them both out before deciding."

So he chooses to check out hell first. He goes down to hell and finds himself in the middle of the biggest party he has ever seen. People are dancing and drinking and ...

A recently-hired Security Guard at a museum was standing guard in front of a Tyrannosaurus Rex's display...

A visitor to the museum asked the Guard, "How old is that skeleton?"

The Guard replied, "That T-Rex is 60 million years, and 37 days old."

"Wow," replied the visitor. "How do they know the age to such a precise amount?"

"Well, when I started here 37 days ago, they told me it ...

Wouldn't it have been amazing if John Lennon had invented that device that you put in your front door to secretly see who's on the other side?

I mean, imagine all the peepholes!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenager was standing in front of a recruiter, about to sign his life away to the Marines.

The recruiter promised him adventure and action, and the teenager was buying it all up. He finished his training (Semper Fi!) and was immediately given his first posting: he was going to Afghanistan. Being an FNG, the Devil Dog worked long and worked hard, but by the end of his tour, he felt he had ...

How do you get an art major off your front porch?

PAY FOR THE PIZZA!

It would be awesome for an anti-vax joke to make front page.

It’s got no shot.

When it's sunny, I think, beer garden! When it rains, I usually go to the bar for a while. When it's snowing, I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.

I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather…

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man gets drunk at a bar and vomits all over the front of his shirt

He looks up, eyes bleary and bloodshot and says “my wife is gonna kill me, she told me not to drink so much”

The bartender says, “do you have a twenty dollar bill?”

The guy responds, “yeah, but how’s that gonna help me?”

Bartender says “take the twenty, fold it up, put it in you...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between having sex and making it to the front page?

I have a chance at making it to the front page

The teacher called me out in front of the whole class for cheating on the final and took away my A+.

It was degrading.

Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.

Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.

In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine win...

Two country men are sitting on the front porch with the dog

The dog starts licking himself between the legs and one man says “Hey look at that, I wish I could do that”

The other man says “ That dog would BITE you!”

I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued...

"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whats 12 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

My bosses tie

I woke up this morning and was surprised to find a huge box of LEGO blocks sitting on my front porch.

I have no idea what to make of it.

George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are standing in front of god ...

God begins by asking Bush: "George, in what do you believe?"

Bush: "I believe in free trade and the USA as a strong nation".

God, seemingly impressed: "You may sit to my right".

Then God looks at Obama and asks "Barack, in what do you believe?".

Obama: "I believe in democ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] People said that I couldn't masturbate in front of other people. So I told them

Watch me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A nurse reaches to her front pocket and grabs a rectal thermometer

"Fuck... Some asshole has my pen .."

After feeling like he's being followed by a flock of ducks for years, a spanish man finally decides to lose them by jumping in front of a train...

I guess you could say it was quite a loco motive.

As we stood outside her front door, she kissed me and whispered, "Do you want to stay here tonight?"

"No," I replied, and went home.

Why would I want to stand outside her front door all night?

A guy is driving a Mercedes with a blonde girl in a front seat.

She looked around the car, amazed, and then she saw the Mercedes logo, prominent on the front of the car's hood.

- Hey, what's that? - she asked.

- That? - he replied, chuckling - That's an aiming reticle. I use it to be able to hit pedestrians more reliably.

The girl fell silen...

I farted in front on my Jewish friends

They complained but I said “Hey, a little gas never killed anyone!”

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

I was walking to class and a guy in front of me dropped $10. I ran and picked it up and having. Just got out of bible studies I asked myself “What Would Jesus Do?”

So I turned it into wine... well... I bought some wine.

I was driving home last night and as I looked in my rear view mirror I saw a big van which said 'Ambulance' on the front with sirens blaring trying to pass me.

Yeah nice try I thought, I'm not moving, it's clearly a fake. The word 'Ambulance' is always written backwards on real ones.

I got the best parking spot today, right in front of the bank. I couldn't believe my luck

I don't actually need to go to the bank, but the opportunity was to good to give up.

Dog in the front yard

There is a dog in the neighbours front yard sitting at an office desk, filling in forms, typing on a laptop and answering the phone.

The neighbour yells out, "I don't want your damn dog doing his business on my lawn!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In Feudal Japan, there was a system that determined who sat in the highly favored front position of carts.

You had to call Shogun.

If you run in front of a car you'll get tired...

But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted

I was at a funeral and someone came up to me asking for permission to say a word at the front.

I said of course and he stood to say one word, ‘*plethora*’. I said "*Thank you, it means a lot*"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is driving through a small town and sees a sign in front of an old house...

"Talking Dog for Sale!"

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Darn right i do!" the Lab replies.

After the guy...

Why should you never get undressed in front of a mountain ?

Because they're always peaking

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy visits his grandparents, and is sitting on the front porch with his grandfather.

Soon Grandma comes out and gives Grandpa a cigar. He lights up while the boy watches, and the boy asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar?" Rather than answering, the man snaps, "Does your dick touch your asshole?" The boy thinks about this, then shakes his head no. "Of course not, because you're a l...

I cut some hair off the front of my wife's head and took it to dinner

because I wanted to go out with a bang

A little boy rides his red wagon down the hill in front of the preachers house.

There was a little boy around 8 or 9 that had a little red wagon. One day he mustered up the courage to ride it down the hill in front of his house past the preachers house. Well, he got in the wagon and started down the hill and halfway down a wheel falls off and he goes off the road in front of th...

While I was at work, someone hooked up a car battery to my front door.

As you can imagine, I was shocked.

I bought a pack of condoms and on the front it said, "Longer lasting."

Which is just as well, because they've been in my wallet for years.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The White Man, the Black Man and the Jew are summoned in front God

"It is time to chose your noses for your particular races", said God.

"White man, how would you like your nose to look like?"

"Where we live it's quite cold so I would like to have a long nose so that the air could be warmed up a bit when we breath in."

"Black man, how would you...

Spending New Year's Eve at home in front of TV is pathetic!

So we sit sideways

A pub landlord is having a new sign put on the front of the building, The Fox and Hound. The handyman props up the letters against the building and asks 'How does that look?' The landlord replies 'There's too big a space between 'Fox and and and and and Hound'.

Don't know if it's really a joke but it makes my Grandad laugh so I hope you do too.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men find themselves in front of Saint Peter after suddenly dying.

Confused, Peter says, "What happened? You're all here *way* before your time!"

The first man says, "I was driving to work when I got this feeling that my wife was cheating on me, so I turned around and rushed back to my apartment. I ran into my bedroom to find my wife lying naked under the co...

What do you call Mick Jagger and Keith Richards both found dead with their eyes taped open in front of the TV?

Killing two Stones with one Birdbox.

&#x200B;

*I'll show myself out...*

My dad died in front of me

Before he died, he scribbled me a note. They were his last words. I decided not to open it till I was ready. A year later, I opened it and this is what is said,

"*You are stepping on my oxygen line*".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is making passionate love to his wife when his neighbor busts open the front door.

Immediately embarrassed, he yells, “Jesus! Can’t you knock?”

His neighbor shouts back: “I’ll knock when you two get the fuck off my lawn!”

I left my front door open and my Roomba got out, and now I can't find it. What are the consequences of this? It has no natural predators...

Nature abhors a vacuum

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe received a package in the mail with a few stamps on the front. Always the notorious scrooge, Joe peeled off the already used stamps, and then proceeded to stick them onto his own letter.

Upon being handed the mail, the mailman knew exactly what Joe had done, and proceeded to punch him in the face until Joe was rendered unconscious. He was rushed to the ER and pronounced dead the next morning.

At his funeral, many tears were shed and eulogies given. As the ceremony was comi...

What do you call an Irishman who sleeping on your front porch?

Paddy O’Furniture

When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex’s front lawn.

2) Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me...

..than a prefrontal lobotomy.

I never sit in the front rows at the movies

I always like to see the big picture.

Barack, Hillary and Donald are standing in front of the throne of heaven...

Almighty God looks at them and says, “Before granting you a place at my side, I want to ask you what you have learned and what you believe in.”

&#x200B;

God asks Barack first: “Son, What do you believe in?”

&#x200B;

Obama thinks long and hard, looks God straight i...

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

Driving to work, a gentlman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.

Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policmen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still go...

Mary had a little skirt, with slits right up the sides and every time she crossed her legs, the boys could see her thighs! Mary had another skirt, with a slit right up the front...

She never wore that one.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A politician dies and winds up standing in front of the pearly gates.

St. Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and unfortunately you will have to spend a ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man hears a knock on his front door. When he opens it, a boy stands in front of him who says “Hello sir, my name is Tobias...

...and I’m here to fuck your daughter.”

“TO WHAT?”

“TO-BI-AS.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly couple are rocking on their front porch. NSFW

All of a sudden the old lady reaches over and smacks the old man right out of his rocking chair.
The old man slowly gets up gets back in his rocking chair, after rocking a few minutes more he turns the old woman and asks "What was that for?"
"For having such a small pecker all these years!" sh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde is on the bus when this guy gets on with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sits down next to her. The confused blonde keeps looking at him and his bulging pockets...

He notices her looking and eventually, after many such glances from her, he says, “It’s golf balls.”

Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look at him for a very long time, appearing to think deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, she can’t contain her curiosity any more...

I wanted to buy a drink from a vending machine, but there was a guy in front of me.

I tried to wait my turn patiently, but he just kept buying soda. I stood there for a while just watching him put in some money and take his drink, over and over until he had a whole bag of soda cans. He showed no signs of stopping, so I asked him, "Why do you keep doing that? Are you ever going to g...

One day a Genie appears in front of a man...

The Genie says "I will only grant you one wish, choose wisely."

The Man thinks about what he should wish for.

After some time he finally decides what his wish will be.

The Man says "I wish all my mistakes would disappear."

The Genie says, "Well ok."

The Genie snaps...

Had my first stand up gig in front of an audience tonight

Did not go well.

I started my bit and sone dude started to heckle me.

He was like “hey you, down in front, we’re trying to watch the movie”

I rear ended the car in front of me.

When I got out to speak to the driver, I discovered it was a midget. He was looking rather annoyed and had his arms folded, sitting on the bonnet of his car.


"I'm not happy"


"Oh, so which one are you then?" I couldn't help but ask.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fresh from her shower, a woman stood naked in front of her mirror complaining to her husband.

"My breasts are too small", she lamented.

Instead of romantically telling her that this was not true, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper & rub it between
them for a few seconds, 3 times every day." Sk...

I've submitted ten puns today trying to make the front page

no pun in ten did...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 Nazis walk in front of a BAR.

Then an American mowed them down.

For a change, a genie appeared in front of a woman this time...

A genie appeared in front of a woman.

"Whatever you want, as many things as you want, just ask " the genie said.

"My husband’s eyes should be only on me during all waking hours."

"And then ..?"

"He should not be concerned with anything else in life except me."

"An...

Why do French tanks have rear view mirrors?

So they can see the front line

A criminal sets up a small souvenir shop in Australia selling glass Kangaroos as a front for his drug smuggling business

The detective working the case walks in and says
"I can see straight through your roos mate"