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Hitler commits suicide and appears in front of god

God:"You already know you're going to hell, but before that I'll give you one wish."

Hitler:"Alright, let me kill 10 million Jews and one Swedish man."

God:"Why the Swedish man?"

Hitler:"I knew you didn't give a fuck about the Jews."

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women."

The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."

How did Marilyn Manson know there was someone at his front door?

The beautiful peephole, the beautiful peephole.

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After the death of her husband, a woman puts a sign on her front porch...

The sign states that any man who: 1. Will treat her nicely, 2. Won't leave her, and 3. Who is good in bed can stay with her. A few days later, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find a man in a wheelchair with no arms and legs. He says, "I'm here regarding the sign on your front porch. As you ca...

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

A fat man was standing in front of a kindergarten

One of the teachers comes and asks him:

"Are you expecting a child?"

"No. I am a bit fat that's all"

Was walking in front of my 4 year old daughter today who got me with this doozy today.

Daughter: Kock Kock!

Me: Who’s There?

Daughter: Impatient Cow!

Me: impatient Cow Who?

Daughter: MoOoooOoOOVE IT!

Me: **Proud moment**

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

Why shouldn’t you wear Russian Y-fronts?

Because Chernobyl fall out.

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet

The kids next door challenged me to water fight in the front yard.

I'm just posting real quick while I wait for it to boil.

If you run in front of a car.

If you run in front of a car, you get tired.
If you run behind a car, you get exhausted.

A North Korean lady was in line in front of me at my bank in the U.S., trying to exchange some won. She was obviously irritated, arguing with the teller.

“Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla of won, today I get
only one hunat eighty. Why it change?”

Teller shrugs his shoulders, says, “Fluctuations.”

Korean lady says, “Fluc you white people too!”

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A man had been drinking at a bar all night and pukes down the front of his shirt.

“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to...

When I’m in front of Hispanic people I say “mucho”

It means a lot to them

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What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Trump's Tie.

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A man walked into a crowded waiting room at his doctor's office and approached the front desk.

The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not, you asked me what was...

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

Just saw a coke can get crushed in front of his family

Soda pressing....

What has 50 pairs of eyes but only three teeth?

The front row at a Trump rally.

Rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub...

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.


A tipsy- looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.


'Fishing,' the old man said simply.


'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ...

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

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I really hate it when homeless dudes rattle their cup of change in front of me...

...I know you have more money than me, you don’t have to be a dick about it!

A 17-year-old boy who works part time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of his house in a beautiful Porche

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.

“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.

“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how mu...

It turns out my front lawn is chicken proof.

It's impeccable.

I saw a man take a gate from my front yard the other day,

I didn't say anything, I didn't want him to take a fence.

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A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.


The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.


Finally, after many side glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."


Nevertheless, ...

With the citywide blackout, I couldn't tell if I was in front of my school or not. But I took a shot in the dark.

Yep, this is my school.

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that sh...

The Pope and Trump were on stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they sp...

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

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Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery

The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!"

A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!"

Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a sp...

After checking my wallet, I stood in front of the vending machine and confidently said to myself...

"I have what it takes."

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Engineer 1: we need a name for the front of the plane where the pilots sit

Engineer 2: dickhole

Engineer 1: almost

Two guys are walking down a street and see an old man in front of them.

He walks in such a weird manner that is almost similar to a duck. Somehow this walk bothers the two guys. "I wonder why he's walking that way. What could be the reason for that?" one guy asks the other. The Other guy replies "Maybe he got into an accident recently and might have broken his hip or so...

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

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A priest dies and stands in front of God.

A priest dies and stands in front of God.

God looks at the priest's ledger of good and evil and smiles after finishing it. Looking up at the priest, God says "I'm satisfied with how you've lived and how you've spent your life. I give you the option to choose — Hell or heaven?"

The prie...

While scrolling through the front page of Reddit, I came across the most annoying thread ever.

It was coming out of my favourite sweater that I was wearing.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…

But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

SEGA has decided to release a game about a guy that won't let other people queue for religious events. Instead he always runs really fast to the front.

Sonic the hajj-hog.

I once saw a German Shepherd taking a dump on my front garden.

Then his dog came along.

A suicide bombing instructor stood up in front of the class.

He said, "Now pay attention. I'm only going to show you this once."

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."

The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.

The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."

Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things t...

A private ran to his General, sending a message from the front lines. He was in utter distress.

"Sir! We are outnumbered three to one, and..."

"Private! Get me my red shirt," he interrupted, "When I bleed in battle, I don't want the soldiers to be discouraged."

"Sir! You don't understand, they have battalions of heavy artillery, and their tanks are twice the..."

The Genera...

Just had two Police at my front door.

They asked me the questions - ‘Are you familiar with the letters HB'?
I said - ‘No I’m not'
'How about LS'?
'No'
'What about JD'?
I said - ‘Hang on a minute - am I a suspect or something'?
They said - ‘No these are just initial enquiries'.

I saw a bunch of geese and ducks on the lawn in front of the Tyson processing plant. Initially I thought of how horrible it was that they were there flaunting their freedom to the condemned chickens, but then I thought no.....

it's just fowl behavior.

Funeral homes really need spoiler warning signs on the front of their doors.

In case any baby attends.

A woman with an MLM set up shop in front of my house

In anger, I step outside ready to kill her. Then I see my What Would Jesus Do wristband.

So I grabbed a whip and chased the her out of my temple

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An elderly gentleman standing in front of the pearly gates and waiting to get into heaven.

God says to the man. “Gimme one good reason to let you in. Have you done any good deeds recently?”

“I saw this punk trying to steal a car,” the man said “so I decided to kick his ass to teach him a lesson.”

“When was that?” God asks.

“About ten minutes ago.” The man answers.

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A Cowboy rides up to a Saloon in the old west. An old man is sitting out front, whittling a stick...

...The Cowboy rides up, jumps down and ties up his horse. Then he walks around to the back of it, lifts up it's tail and kisses it right on the butthole.

The old man sees this and is shocked. When the cowboy approaches the front door, the old man says, "Damn son, that sure was a peculiar thin...

A guy walks into a library, goes up to front desk and in quite a loud voice says,.....

"Could I get a yellow chicken curry, a pad thai and two serves of steamed rice please?"

The librarian is a bit shocked, and in a whispered voice that none the less conveys her displeasure with the gent says, "Sir, you need to be quiet, this is a library, not a restaurant!!"

The guy loo...

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A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt

"Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself.

The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and ...

So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school fri...

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, "Just a minute, I'll be right back."


He goes into the confessional and says, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs."


The Father says, "You need to say 40 H...

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A farmer strolls over to visit his neighbor, and finds him dancing, naked, in the barn in front of the farm equipment.

The farmer gasps, "Whoa! What are you doing?!"

His neighbor replies, "Well, me and the wife haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately, and our therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

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Take most Ford and most Dodge models...now put the word Anal in front of the model name

Anal charger, Anal challenger, Anal expedition, Anal Fiesta...

Two old couples are walking down the street. Two women are walking in front of the two men

One of the men says to the other, "What did you do last night?"

The second man says, "Oh, I went to this restaurant. It was amazing. The food was fantastic, and the prices were great.
Absolutely super."

The first one says, "Wow, sounds great. What was the name of the restaurant?...

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, laying in front of a door?

Matt.

A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:

"Cheeseburgers: $5

Fries: $3

Handjobs: $10."

He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?"

"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.

He hands her $10

"Well, wash your hands, I want ...

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When I got home yesterday I saw my girlfriend had thrown all my stuff onto the front lawn.

I asked her what she doing and she said "I saw your browser history! Get out of my life you paedophile!"

I thought this was absolutely crazy!

When the fuck did they start teaching words like "paedophile" to eight year-olds?

I always knock on the front door of my fridge ...

Just in case there is a salad dressing .

This was horrible lol

The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

"Howdy, stranger..."

"Howdy, Sheriff..."

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, M...

A drunk man falls down the front steps of the W Hotel in New York.

He lands at the feet of a cab driver waiting for his next fare. The drunk man stands up and says, “Take me to the W Hotel!”



The cabby looks at the drunk man and tells him, “Buddy, you’re at the W Hotel.”



Perfect,” the man says, handing the driver a twenty-dollar bill, “...

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

If anyone ever figured out my secret 4-digit code, I'd be screwed! They'd have my bank pin #, phone unlock code, front door lock code...

...they'd even know my birth year!

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My wife stood before me with some items in front of her. Without a word, she emptied a large jar of mayonnaise and proceeded to fill the empty jar with rocks right to the top, then asked me if the jar was full. I agreed that it was.

She then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them in to the jar. She shook the jar lightly. My wife then asked me if the jar was now full. I agreed that, yes, it was.

She then poured a bag of sand into the jar with the result that the sand filled up the remaining spaces between the rocks an...

A man sits down at his front row seats to the World Cup final.

He notices that the seat next to him is empty. He asks the person on the seat over, “who’s seat is this? Who would by tickets to the World Cup and not use them?” The man says “well actually, that was my wives, she just passed away, and we have been going to the World Cup every time since we were mar...

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HAR...

I was out for a drive when the car suddenly started shuddering and the front wheel fell off.

I stopped and got out trying to figure out what the heck happened.
As I cross the front of the car I can see the tire is in the ditch by a fence that says, St Clements institute for the insane. I can plainly see that the lug nuts have all come off allowing the tire to falloff the car.
I quickl...

My wife asked me to take her to one of those fancy restaurants where they prepare the meal in front of you. So I took her to Subway....

We're signing the divorce papers right now.

I'm scared, recently several heavy metal fans have been knocking on my front door.

Windmills aren't supposed to do that right?

A man calls his house to ask his wife a question. A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Roger"

"You don't have an Uncle Roger"

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do....

A Blonde Woman, a Ginger Woman, a Brunette Woman, and a Black Haired Woman are Standing in Front of a Magic Mirror

The Mirror says to them: "Tell me what you think about your qualities. If they are true, you will be transported to your dream beach home. If it is false, you will be sucked into the dark dimension within me."

All the women pause for a moment.

The Brunette woman broke the silence by s...

What are the only two jobs where can’t eat what’s in front of you?

A pizza delivery person and a gynecologist.

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[NSFW] [Long] A man is sitting on his front porch when he notices two guys walking down the street holding duct tape.

He calls out to the men, "Hey what are you doing with that duct tape?" They respond, "Catching ducks." The old man rolls his eyes thinking there is no way they will catch anything. Later that afternoon the two men come by again with a couple of ducks.

The next day the old man sees the two guy...

Two friends are out hiking, and they see a black bear on the trail in front of them

One guy takes off his pack, takes off his hiking boots, and puts on running shoes

His friend says, “What are you doing? You can’t outrun that bear!”

The first guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I have to outrun you!”

A man's rear tire falls off his car in front of a mental asylum.

While inspecting he notices that all the lug nuts have broken and fallen off the wheel.

As he sits there desperately trying to find a way to re-attach his wheel to the car, he hears a voice call out to him from behind the fence.

"What seems to be the problem?" says the mental patient....

Little Johnny Asks His Mum About Magic.

Little Johnny goes to his mum after watching Penn and Teller and says “mum can you show me some magic?”.
His mum replies “ No Johnny, I’m too busy, go ask your father.”
Johnny runs out to the garage where his dad is working and asks “Daddy, will you show me some magic?”
Dad says “ No ...

A wealthy businessman dies and is standing in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter meets him there and congratulates him on his success on earth. He says, "You know, its a shame that you have done so much and can't take it with you. I'm going to do something special just for you."

He hands the man a briefcase, saying, "I'm going to give you one day to go back down...

Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the guests' names as they arrive."

Butler: "Very well, madam. I've been wanting to do that for years!"

Three girls are in the back seat, their parents are in the front

Girl 1: Mom, why did you name me Violet?

Mother: Oh Violet, your grandmother dropped a violet on your head the day you were born.

Girl 2: Mom, why did you name me Daisy?

Mother: When we were walking out of the hospital the nurse put a daisy on your head.

Girl 3: Jwoandb...

A pervert was cruising the neighborhood in his van one afternoon when he saw a little boy playing in a cubby house in a front yard.

He wound down his window and said "Hey little boy, if I give you a candy, will you let me come inside your cubby house?" to which the boy replied "If you give me the whole packet you can come inside my mouth!"

President Trump stood at the podium in front of a hundred cameras.

"Good morning. I want to tell you about the work our Customs and Border Patrol people are doing on the southern border. I'm being told that we have more people crossing the border illegally now than ever before in our nation's history -- maybe in the history of the world. Yesterday, our people captu...

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At the height of WWII on the Eastern front, a high-level meeting takes place in the Kremlin between Stalin and the marshals on the situation on their respective fronts.

When the meeting ends, Marshal Georgy Zhukov is the first one to step out. As he does so, he mutters under his breath "Fucking asshole with a mustache!" It just so happens that Stalin's secretary, Alexander Poskrebyshev hears this. So being a loyal servant to the cause, he reports it to his boss. St...

Dad what is an alcoholic? well son do you see those 4 cars in front of us? An alcoholic would see 8 cars.

But dad, there are only 2..

Mrs O’ Sullivan hears the doorbell and opens the front door of her house

Standing in the rain, is her husbands best friend, Paddy.

"Hello Paddy, but where is Seamus? I thought he went with you to the brewery"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Aileen, there was a terrible accident at the brewery, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"

Mrs O’ Su...

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I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.

I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving.

Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door

"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's j...

(long) Three men die together and end up in front of the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter states to the three men "It is not widely known but in order to get into Heaven, you need to answer a simple question about religion." so, he turns to the first man and asks, "what is Easter?"

The man pauses and says, "Is that the holiday where we gather around the table with our fa...

I was outside getting my mail when I noticed my neighbor cutting his lawn. The mower was loud and he didn’t see that his dog was licking something up by the garage door. Suddenly, the dog began running circles around the front lawn but shortly after he fell to the grass.

“Did he die?”

*No he just ran out of gas*

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[NSFW]A man and his family are checking in to a hotel, at the front counter the man leans in and says "I assume the porn is disabled?"

The clerk says "No it's regular porn, you sick fuck"

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There's an old farmer with 3 beautiful daughters. He is very protective of them and meets every potential suitor at the front door, with a loaded shotgun in his hands.

Sure enough, come Saturday evening there's a knock at the door. The farmer jumps up, throws open the door and points his shotgun at the young man.

The fellow is a little startled, but manages to say "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. I'm here to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?"...

Three little kids walk up to Miss Katherine’s front door

“What do ya need?” Asked Katherine. “ We wanted to see if Little Timmy wanted to play baseball” said the boys. “How rude of you!” Katherine replied “You know that Timmy doesn’t have any arms or legs.” The kids replied “Yah we know, we need a first base.”

An interviewer’s taxi stops in front of a prison...

The interviewer asks: “could you wait for me here?” Then the taxi driver says: “no, forget it! The last time someone asked me that he came out 21 years later!”

The man was standing naked in front of the mirror, "just 5 more centimeters... 5 more centimeters and I could've been the king"

From the door, his wife giggled. " Just 5 less
centimeters and you could've been the queen instead"

I love laying naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace.

But apparently there are rules against this at cracker barrel... -_-

::sigh:: foiled again!

From the gentleman in front of me at Winco

Husband: “Sweetheart, am I the only one you’ve ever made love to?”

Wife:”Of Course, the others were nines and tens”

People are so disrespectful these days, I was at the church when a woman lit up a cigarette right in front of me

I got so shocked I almost dropped my beer

Satan appears in the church

A few minutes before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon e...

Stalin is giving a long speech at an event, naturally in front of a huge audience. While he's in full flow, somebody near the front of the hall sneezes.

Stalin stops and surveys the crowd.

"Who sneezed?" he asks.

Deathly silence.

"I repeat," says Stalin, "who sneezed?"

Not a peep.

"Very well," says Stalin. "First row, stand up!" Everyone in the first row stands up. "Guards! Open fire!"

A few seconds later, ...

I left a trail of rose petals from the front door, up the stairs, and to the bedroom.

I sprinkled some more over the bed.

I sat in the corner wearing nothing but her beautiful silk robe with a bottle of vintage wine on ice on the end table.

I heard the door open and her walking up the stairs, I wanted this to be the most romantic evening she's ever had, I was slightly...

An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife...

He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them we...

What are 17 blondes doing in front of a club?

Waiting for the 18th because "No Entry Under 18".

Why does Kurt Cobain always sit in front?

Cause he calls shotgun.

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

While watching a movie in the theater, a man can’t hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of him.

Unable to bear it any longer, he taps one of them on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” he says, “I can’t hear.”



“I should hope not,” one woman replies sharply. “This is a private conversation.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Mother and Father get into a heated argument in front of their child on Christmas Day.

***PART 1***

The Mother calls the father "a Bastard".

The Father retaliates by calling the mother "a Bitch".

The child asks his mother "What's a Bastard" and the mother replies "it's just another word for Father".

The child then asks his father "What's a Bitch" and the fa...

Why is cliff front property so expensive in Scotland?

The sheep back up harder.

What did the Muslim guy say when his joke made the front page?

EDIT: This blew up.

Source: Am Muslim guy.

We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”

I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”

After a long day’s work, I came home and saw my kid ripping off the front and back pages of my dictionary.

Things just went from Bad to Worse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I woke up this morning to my neighbors banging on my front door.

I was like "Why can't you two fuck in your house like normal people???"

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