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Every day in Moscow, people buy newspaper, glance at front page, throw straight in trash.

Every day, same. People buy newspaper, look front, throw in trash.

Newspaper seller ask one day, "Why you do that? Why you not read inside newspaper?"

Man respond, "I check obituary"

"But obituary not on front page. Is on back page"

"Putin obituary be on front page"

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(Old joke) A supermarket opened up next to a small grocer and to show how much cheaper they were put a big sign out the front advertising butter.

The grocer used to sell butter for 50p a packet, but the supermarket advertised it for 49p. The next day the grocer put a big sign on the front saying:

Butter: 48p

The supermarket couldn't afford to lose face so the next day it was loudly advertising:

BUTTER, ONLY 47p

How...

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My wife says I can get anal on my cake day if this post reaches front page

Please don’t make that happen, she has been dying to try that strap-on on me forever.

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Back in the 50's Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby’s a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he arrives at the front door, Peggy Sue’s father answers and invites him in.

“Peggy Sue’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says. “That’s cool.” says Bobby.

Peggy Sue’s father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue’s father responds “Why do...

As I knelt down with a pair of size 4 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers.

"Hey Cheeky!" she said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?"

"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, Madam" I said sternly. "I don't even work here."

A Frenchman sees a poster in front of a bakery: Croissant €1. Handjob €5

He enters the shop and sees a gorgeous young lady behind the counter. He then asks:

"Mademoiselle, are you the one that delivers the handjobs?"

Very shy, the girl looks down, blushes and replies with a giggle:

"O-Oui monsieur, I am the one that gives the handjobs".

The F...

A photon checks into a hotel and the front desk asks "Do you need help with your luggage"?

The photon replies "No thanks, I'm traveling light."

A big angry man walks into a bar and says "Who has the Chihuahua tied up out front"?

A man in the back of the bar stands up and says "That's my Chihuahua"

"Well, he just killed my Rottweiler!"

" What?!! How did your Rottweiler get killed by my Chihuahua?!!"

" I think he choked on him".

How do you know when there’s a banjo player at the front door?

He’s got the wrong key and he doesn’t know when to come in.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends. So she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face, when they
all disagreed.

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pan-handler in front of a casino

A bum was in front of a casino, hand out, asking for spare change to get a bite to eat. A passerby felt pity for him and gave him $5.00.

"Get yourself a good meal," he told the bum. "But I don't want to see you going into the casino and gambling that money away!"

At that, the bum shook...

Someone keeps dropping off random Lego blocks in front of my door every morning.

I …don’t know what to make of it.

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An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise

when he sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. “Hey boy, what do you have there?”

“Chicken wire.”

“What you gonna do with that?”

“Gonna catch some chickens.”

“You damn fool! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!” says...

A priest is walking down the street when he sees a little girl trying to reach a door knocker that is high-up on a front door.

"Let me help," he says, knocking on the door. "Now is there anything else I can do?"

"Yes," says the girl, "Now we run like crazy."

My neighbour came banging on my front door at 2 o'clock in the morning last night...

can you believe it... 2am in the morning!! Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper left on my front step.

I have fallen on some hard Times.

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The Pope and Vladimir Putin are sharing a balcony in front of a huge crowd.

The Russian president and His Holiness have seen it all before. So to make it a bit more interesting, Putin says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every communist in the crowd go wild?”
He doubts it, so he shows him. Sure enough, the wave is greeted ...

I submitted almost a dozen jokes to my local paper, hoping one of them would win a spot on the front page, but...

No pun in ten did

Herschel Walker made a speech in front of his GOP peers a day after the debate..

"They said I can't speak good on stage without a prompter" he said.

"But whose laughing now question mark Ha comma ha comma ha"

A Russian couple finally gets to the front of the line to buy a car. "Your car is approved, it will here on October 5th, 2027." "Morning or afternoon?" asked the couple. "What difference does that make, it is five years from now."

"The plumber is coming in the morning."

A man is standing in his front yard, drinking a beer in his boxer shorts…

His wife is mowing the lawn while he stands there doing nothing. The neighbor catches a sight of this and yells out, “you’re standing there drinking a beer while your wife mows the lawn?! You should be hung!!”
The man hollers back, “I Am!”

Guy is standing in front of the freezer, looking for something to make for dinner.

His wife calls over to him "Hey Honey, is there any ice cream left in there?"

He replies, "Yes, there's about half a pint of mint chocolate chip, do you want it?"

His wife says "How hard is it?"

The guy replies "As hard as I was last night."

Wife says "Ok, can you pour me...

Why don't criminals hang out in front of pubs?

Because they usually end up behind bars.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

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After making love as a married couple for the first time, a young bride asks her husband for $50. As he pays her, he advises, "if you want roleplaying, we should both be in on it... ask for the money up front."

So, every time they have sex, she asks for $50 and he gladly pays. After all, it's THEIR money.

After a year, he stops at the bank to get a crisp new $100 Bill to make their anniversary special. He hands it to her as he walks in the door.

"That's sweet," she says, "but first, come o...

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I'm pissed. The window on my house FELL OFF onto my front lawn!

It's a pane in the grass.

Two old guys are having a chat in a nursing home, when a naked old woman with a walker crosses very slowly in front of them

First guy says, "Elmer - what the hell was that?"

Second guy says, "Joe - I have no idea, but it certainly needed ironing!"

OC - I saw a line of delivery scooters parked out the front of a pizza place.

Someone bumped into one of them and it topples over, and knocks down the next one, which knocks down the next one, and the next one.

It was the Domino's effect.

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $25 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “10 pork chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of pork chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he w...

Why was a man standing in front of an ATM machine with only 1 leg?

He was checking his balance.

Three blondes die in a car crash and find themselves at the Pearly Gates in front of Saint Peter.

He says, "Before I let you into Heaven you have to answer one question. What is Easter?"



"Oh," says the first blonde. "That's that time in the fall when you go door to door collecting candy."

"No," says Peter. "That's Halloween."


"Oh," says the second blonde. "That'...

A woman is reading the newspaper and tells her friend about a deer that broke trough the front glass of a dollar store, doing $10,000 in damage.

He says, “well, good thing it wasn’t a $2 store”

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The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Vive la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva Españ...

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...

I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me

Than a pre-frontal lobotomy.

Three Buddhist monks die in a car crash…

They arrive in a beautiful clouded world and begin to walk towards a man. He is standing in front of the golden gates of heaven.

“Hello! I am Peter. Behind me, is Heaven. Unfortunately, I can’t let you in since you three weren’t Christians… But! if you can tell me what the meaning of Easter ...

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says,

"Well, I ...

Why do women have flowers on the front of their underwear?

It's in loving memory of all the faces buried there.

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A friend once told me he enjoyed masturbating in front of other people. When I told him I couldn't relate, he made a real effort to help me understand...



...and now I can see where he's coming from.

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she's either really interested or you're level 99 friend-zoned

Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet!

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My coworker once wiggled his penis in front of me.

He wasn't fired, but it was a bit of a dick move.

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims...

"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

"He says, "Solid dynamite, babe."

He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, "Wow, what massive calves you have!"

He flexes his leg muscles and says, "Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart."

Then he removes his underwear and the ...

What do you call a guy who has no arms, no legs, and is stuck in front of a door?

Matt

A scrawny teenage boy asks his muscular friend how he gets so many girls to sleep with him.

The muscular friend says, "Here's what you do: next time there's a party, get a large potato and stick it down your pants and act normal. You'll see - that'll turn you into a chick magnet."

A minute later, all the girls at the party run away from the scrawny kid, screaming and laughing and po...

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It's 2am and the doorbell rings.

I run down stairs and open the door. There's a bloke there looking a bit desperate and says, "I know it's really late, but can you give me a push". I tell him to piss off and I go back to bed.

Wife asks who it was - I tell her. She says I'm a right cunt for not helping and I should give him a...

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A man enters a pub, walks up to have a seat at the bar, and then pulls out a three-inch tall leprechaun from his front shirt pocket to set it on the bar top.

The man looks at the bartender and says, "Yo, I'd like to get a beer for me and an Irish wine for my little pal here!"


The bartender returns with the drinks in short time. The man drinks his beer, the leprechaun drinks all the Irish wine from the bottle. Only for it to suddenly stop in ...

Two guys are waiting in front of the delivery room.

The younger guy asks to old man "Was that your daughter they took in?"

-No she is my wife

-Aren't you too old to be a father?

Old man gets angry and yells "So what?"

-Look, my grandfather used to love hunting. Every weekend he would take his gun and go hunt some animal. B...

new milk cow

The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk.



The people did some research and found that they could travel and buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal,

they bought the cow from Minsk. The cow was wonderful.

...

An old man was sitting on his front porch, when he saw two boys walking past his house. The two boys were talking very loudly.

"Yesterday I bought a car and drove all the way to the moon!" said one of the boys.

"That's nothing!" said the other boy. "This morning, I went all the way to Pluto! By walking!"

"What are you two whippersnappers doing?" asked the old man.

"We found a $20 bill on the sidewalk," ...

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Man is sitting in a bar staring at a shot glass, while a bartender cleans the table.

Suddenly a biker sits next to the man, grabs the shot and drinks it in one gulp before slamming the glass back in front of the man.

The man stares the glass for a second before bursting in hysterical sobs. Both the bartender and the biker stare at the man in suprise.

The bartender quic...

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery..

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the ...

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

A Science Teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." ...

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A man goes to the bar alone

After a few too many drinks he proceeds to vomit down the front of his shirt.

"Oh man, my wife bought me this shirt. She's gonna kill me!" he drunkenly blurts out.

"Relax," says the bartender. "Put a $10 bill in your shirt pocket. When you get home tell your wife you were walking into ...

I asked Siri why I'm still single...

It opened the front camera.

Benny the Viking

Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.

See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.

This bothered Benny, because when he was out p...

Three men hold a contest in front of a panel of women to see who can pleasure a woman best.

The first man, a body builder, is brought up to the stage and announces that he can deadlift 550lbs and can bench 315lbs. Proving it true, the man completes the lifts with ease. Flexing his muscles in front of the women and winking, he leaves the stage.

The next man, a professional chef, impr...

Two beggars were sitting side by side in front of the Love Fountain in Rome, Italy.

One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the box of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope came to the area. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar wh...

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

I was walking past a movie theater showing "The Black Phone" and some guy standing out front was saying, "Stephen King is my dad and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!" I said to him...

"Surely you must be Joe."

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said "It's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!" .

Thinking back, I really should have run but you don't get offers like that every day.

Aperformer is on stage in front of an Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard, and a German.

He's slightly out of view and asks if they can all see him alright. they respond:
yes
oui
si
ja

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A son ask his dad "Dad, how can I take the next step with my girl? We kissed and all, but I don't know how to proceed... "

His dad answers "Listen to me son, do what I did with your mother. I treated her to a romantic dinner, took her home and brought her to her room. We're there, I look at her, and she looks at me. I look at her she looks at me, I look at her she looks at me, I move her panties away and put it in! " ...

I’m pretty sure my local corner shop is a money laundering front.

I’ve been in there about 1000 times and not once have I seen a corner for sale.

How many ears does Captain Kirk have?

3. A left ear, a right ear and a final front ear

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previou...

A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me at a bar last night.

On a completely unrelated note, I really suck at darts.

What do you suggest I do?

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2
months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did this ...

Four rabbis are having a debate

Four rabbis are debating scripture out in the garden, and one of them notices he's continuously outvoted by the other three even though he's absolutely certain he's right. At a certain point, his frustration gets the best of him and he stands up, raises his hands and and says "My Lord, you must know...

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A Hypnotist was performing in front of a live audience using a pendulum

All of a sudden the pendulum slipped out of his hand and he exclaimed "shit!"


It took 2 weeks to clean that whole place.

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and screamed, "I have a complaint."

The Librarian looked up at her and asked, "How can I help you?"

The blonde answers, "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible."

The Librarian in a puzzled tone, asks, "What was wrong with it?"

To that, the blonde replies, "It had way too many characters and there was no...

I was cornered by Dwayne Johnson in front of a Hallmark store.

I was caught between The Rock and a card place.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door...

“Quick, jump out the window,” she says to him... “What???, the guy says, “we’re on the 13th floor!” She says... “ just jump, this is no time to be superstitious!”

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive...

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin ...

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So a man was playing golf...

So this dude was out playing golf on a Sunday. About half way through the first 9 holes, he forgets what hole he is on so he asks a lady in front of him, "hey miss, sorry to bother you, but I've forgotten what hole I am on, and you are on the hole in front of me, would you mind telling me what hole ...

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A family of four are riding down the highway in the family car….

Dad is driving, Mom is in the front passenger seat, boy and girl are in the back seat. When all of a sudden a BIG purple dildo flies up and smacks the windshield and flies right over the top of the car. Dad looks at Mom, Mom looks at Dad, neither know what to say, then Mom tries to play it off and s...

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It was my school reunion at the weekend, and the main topic of conversation was still about the stunning supply teacher we had one day in the early eighties who gave a lad a blow job in front of the entire class.

She went down in history.

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

I went to a psychic…

I knocked on her front door
She yelled “who is it?”
So I left

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A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

The new job

A Miami man seeking employment is passing in front of a job recruiting office when is stops to read some of the jobs being offered.


Suddenly he notices an intriguing offer.

“WANTED: GYNECOLOGIST’S ASSISTANT”

NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES,

HELP TH...

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What do you call a cruise ship where the crew won’t stop masturbating in front of passengers?

A tugboat

Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue.

Wondering what is was for, he joined it. People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them, and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front.
As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about t...

Peanut in the ear

Sitting at home with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth while watching TV.

The man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.

He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in deep.

...

[NSFW] The village idiot wanted to get rich.

Everyday he would pray to the gods that he would win the lottery.

Every night, "God, please let me win the lottery!!!!"

This went on for years and years, until one day suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens open, god steps in front of him and slaps him across his ...

I still 100% stand behind Alec Baldwin..

Standing in front of him is too dangerous.

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A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a serial killer are having a stroll in the park.

This merry band of weirdoes and deviants are getting a bit bored. Then the zoophile whispers: "Oooh, I know what we should do. Let's catch a cat!"

The sadist nods approvingly: "Yes! Let's catch a cat... and let's torture it!"

The serial killer licks the blade of his knife, and chimes i...

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Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)

One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".

"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The old feller shakes his head ...

A men was living in front of a cemetery

He died and started living in front of his house

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

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So a Chinese man walks into a dry cleaner and points to the ‘Help Wanted’ sign in the front window.

The man says, “Me job! Me job!”

The owner mutters to himself, ‘I really don’t want to hire this guy. He can’t even speak English!’

The man says again, “Me job!”

The owner looks straight at the man and says, “I’ll tell you what. If you can use um three words….uh, Pink, Green a...

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

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A dwarf was drinking in a bar, when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said "Ive always wanted to have sex with a little person"

**The dwarf replied "Im sorry, but Ive had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up" "Its ok" said the woman, "my husband is working away until next week" So, against his better judgement he goes back with the woman. They start having...

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

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A lawyer dies and finds himself in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter is holding a clipboard and asks his name, then checks his list.

"Says here you were a lawyer, is that correct?"

"Yep," says the lawyer, "that's correct."

"Well, here's the thing," St. Peter says. "We don't get too many lawyers making it past the gates here. We'll need ...

An unhappy couple go to a marriage counselor

He tries to work with them, but they absolutely refuse to talk about anything in front of each other. The counselor gets fed up, gets his bass out, and starts playing it.

The couple sit there looking at each other dumbfounded. The counselor keeps playing. After several minutes of this, the c...

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little boy walks by his mom's room and sees her fingering herself

She's in front of the mirror saying "I need a man, I need a man"
Weird the boy thinks and goes on about his business.
The next day, the same thing, "I need a man, I need a man"
Bitch is crazy, thinks the boy. Oh well, he goes on about his business.
The third day he walks by and a guy is ...

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Wood Eye

Little Johnny had a tragic accident and lost his right eye. His parents were poor and couldn’t afford a replacement so Johnnys father crafted a wooden eye to put in the empty socket.

Johnny was very self conscious and in turn was very shy, especially around girls. His parents encouraged him ...

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The black knight

A man, thirsty after a long hike, walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer.

The bartender gives him his beer and says: ‘Here you go sir, but I do want to warn you that the black knight is coming soon, so it’s best to be gone by then’

The man shrugs it off, ‘yeah yeah I just ...

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A priest is in a hurry...

He runs from his home and hails a cab. When he gets in he tells the taxi driver "I'm in a huge hurry, if I don't get to the airport in 20 minutes I will miss my flight!"

"No problem" Says the taxi driver and then he floors it. He drives like a maniac through the city, dogging in and out of tr...

An Irish Priest

An Irish Priest is Transferred to Iola, Texas.

He rose from his bed one morning; It was a fine spring day in his new West Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in ...

LPT: Follow the given three steps in order to successfully accomplish a murder.

1. Set out a few high-mounted boxes with hole in the front of them.
2. Scatter about several boxes filled with cashews.
3. Be sure to do this in a place crows frequent.

Drunk

A cop caught a drunkard just in front of a house, trying to get in. ''Are you sure this is your house?'' the cop asked the thoroughly sozzled man. '

“Shertainly,'' said the drunk, ''an' if you'll jesh open the door f'me, I'll prove it to you.''

The cop obliges by opening the door....

Physical

An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “

“I've never been better!” he boasted. “I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered this for a mome...

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Businessman

Businessman walks into a motel/brothel. Ask the lady working the front desk...I'd like a room and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, boring in bed woman and a bologna sandwich.
The receptionist looks at him confused and says for that price we could get you our youngest, kind...

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Military joke: the enemy is storming the front en masse.

Army general turns to his soldiers, "boys, go get em!"
They all go out running at the enemy and they all die.

Navy Admiral turns to his seamen, "boys, storm those beaches!"
They all rush ashore and every last one of them are killed.

Marine General turn to his men all cocky, "...

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A suicide bomber went to heaven.

The Angel at the front desk greeted him.

"Hi, welcome. There are 72 very horny virgins waiting for you!"

"I knew it! said the bomber. "Bring me the women!"

The Angel smiled.

"Who mentioned women?"

Moscow newspapers

In Moscow, an old grandmother goes to the newspaper store, buys a newspaper, glances at it briefly, and immediately throws it away. The next day, the grandmother goes to the store again, buys a newspaper, looks at it briefly, and immediately throws it away. So it goes day in and day out, one morning...

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Best submarine

Last Saturday, a British, a Russian and an American admiral met in Pearl Harbour, and standing on the water front, they were bragging about their ships.

British admiral: "I say chaps, we have a jolly good new submarine, which can go around Ireland under water without surfacing once. It's bloo...

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a s...

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What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?

Donald Trump's tie.

Last year I entered the New York City marathon.



The race started, and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"
I replied, "You really want to know?"
Then I dropped out of the race.<...

Finally a smart blonde joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz...

A woman goes into labor and at the hospital the doctor says "through the miracles of science, we've invented a new machine that will transfer the pain of childbirth to your husband. Would you be the first couple to try it out?"

So the husband and wife talk about it and agree that it's only fair that they share the pain together.

They get hooked up to the machine and as she gets further along the husband gets a little skittish and says "ok listen I know this is going to be super painful so let's start it at about 3."...

A man is out drinking with his friend and he gets quite drunk and vomits down the front of his shirt

He exclaims, "oh no, my wife will divorce me for sure!" His friend asks why. He says, "she's been on at me for my drinking and she told me if I come home drunk once more she would divorce me."

His friend thinks for a moment and then says, "I have an idea. Put $20 in your breast pocket and if ...

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Li(f)e Clocks

A man died & went to Heaven. As he stood in front of The Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind St. Peter.
He asked: "what are all those clocks?"
St. Peter replied: "Why, those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has one. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
Th...

There was a farmer who had three daughters.....

and all of his daughters were going on their first dates at the same time. The farmer, being protective of his daughters, decided to meet their suitors at the front door with his shot gun.

Some time went by, the first suitor arrived and the farmer answered the door: "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here for...

Once upon a time my dad gave me some money and told me to pay our power bill. However, I didn't pay it and instead spent all the money on a raffle where a new car was the prize. The very next day there was a brand new car in front of our house.

The car belonged to the electricians who came to cut our power off.

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Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

Why couldn’t the teacher fart In front of her class?

Because she was a private tutor

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The Accident

I was driving down I-35 last Tuesday , not really paying attention , and I failed to notice that traffic had stopped. I slammed the brakes , but it was too late and I rear ended the vehicle in front of me.

A young woman stepped out of the car , scowled at me , and yelled "Well , ram me in the...

2 newfies go fishing

So they go to the local marina and rent a small boat. After trying several spots they find a good spot and land many nice fish.

The guy in the front says to his buddy:

" This is a great spot, we should mark it"

So his pal pulls a sharpie marker out of his coat and draws a big X...

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Meeting St Peter

Three women have just entered heaven and are standing in front of an angel and St. Peter to find out what kinds of special privileges they'll have while there.

He says to the women,

\- "I only have one question. Have you lived a chaste life?"

The first woman answers

\-...

Be careful parking around the AT&T Stadium

I left my car for about 15 minutes with my Cowboys tickets in the front seat.

Someone broke in and left two more

My bride stood up in front of everyone. She said, "I would like to make a speech, but don't worry I'm not going to bore you with a long one," to which I smiled.

Until she added: "Instead I'll talk about the groom's good traits."

One of my friends stood up. "So, you won't be mentioning his taste in women?"

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A mother and son are traveling together on the Northern Pacific railroad.

The boy says, "Mommy, if big cows can have little cows and big horses can have little horses and big people can have little people, then why can't big trains have little trains?"

"That's a good question. You should ask the engineer that question."

So the boy goes all the way up to the ...

I apologize in advance

There was this guy named Barley Chown who produced knockoffs of famous designer brands, and was always trying to sell them in major retail stores. The head of purchasing at one store was named Sue Lee, and her policy was to never buy knockoffs as they competed with the more profitable designer bran...

How do you call making fun of Jada Smith in front of Will?

A bald move.

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Jonathan died in a violent car crash and his body was horribly mangled

Because of this, the police were having a hard time confirming his identity. So they brought in Jonathan's two best friends friends, Cletus and Buba to help identify Jonathan.

They bring Cletus into the mortuary to view the body, Cletus carefully studies it and says "Well it could be Jona...

A man stopped at a bar. He saw an elderly man fishing in a small puddle in front.

Interested, the man invited the elderly man into the bar and said, "Let me buy you a drink."

Inside he asked, "What were you doing out there?"

"Fishing."

"How much did you catch?"

"You are the seventh person."

Why did Shakespeare stop in front of the bathroom?

Because he couldn’t decide whether to pee, or not to pee

A man walks into an office building with his son....

....they go to the front desk and the receptionist asks, "Excuse me, sir, do you have an appointment."

The father gestures to his son and says, "no, I have a disappointment."

Another Math Joke

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer. The second orders a half a beer. The third? A fourth of a beer.

The bartender pours two pints, places them on the bar in front of them and says, "You all really need to know your limits."

A car dealership in Sweden began selling glasses as a secondary front.

They’re calling it “Eye-Kia”.

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Bank manager

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always r...

Q: If your dog was barking on the front door and your wife knocking on the back door, who should you let in first?

A: The dog, because at least it would shut up once it got in.

I answered my front door this morning and was punched in the face by a 5 foot tall beetle.

That must have been the nasty bug that's going around.

Why did the Russian oligarch sign up for the draft?

Because going to the front line was safer than trying to open his hotel room window.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck...

Little Johnny joke.

During the concert little Johnny sits in the front row waiting for the concert to begin.

A friend asks: "Johnny, how did you manage to get a ticket to the concert?"

Johnny replies: "I got a ticket from my sister."

The friend asks: "And where is your sister?"

Johnny says: ...

A r/Jokes front page post walks into a bar...

The bartender says, "Have I seen you before?"

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A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

He goes inside, and asks the bartender what he needs to do to receive free beer for life. The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a bottle of vodka, " First, drink this whole bottle in one go, no cry...

A blonde girl sets out to prove blonde aren’t dumb

A blonde girl rents out a stadium and invites as many blondes as she can and sure enough 80,000 blondes fill the stadium and she films it all on live television. She invites a little 4 year old girl out in front of everyone and asks her “what’s 2+2?” The little girl shivers and squeaks out “T-three?...

February 2nd and the groundhog arises from its hole to see a shadow…

the shadow of my front left tire…six more weeks of winter but not for him…

Three older ladies are discussing the trials of getting older.

One says, “Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can’t remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich.” The second lady chimes in, “Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can’t remember whether I was on...

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At 581 words this long one has the advantage of making you laugh many times even before the punchline.

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of London. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. "Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself and goes to the bar.

<...

What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?

A rock guitarist plays four chords in front of thousands of people.

Bill wakes up with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clea...

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I was watching a show about Ancient Egypt, and they mentioned that there were Seven Sacred Oils that they used to anoint the dead with.

I thought that sounded interesting, so I decided to Google "Seven Sacred Oils of Egypt" and the entire front page of results is about where I can buy the essential oils the Egyptians used, you know mlm shit.

I cannot stress enough how this is not what I was looking for, but in hindsight I p...

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