UPJOKE
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A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the church was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little talk at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited

I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had st...

Did you know that a raven has 17 rigid feathers called pinions, while a crow only has 16?

Apparently, the only difference between a raven and a crow is a matter of a pinion.

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My cousin died while masturbating.

Apparently he had a fatal stroke.

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife

"We need a 4th for poker"

"I'll be right over" says the doctor.

"Is it serious?" His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.

"Oh yes.. there are 3 other doctors there already."

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A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
<...

A friend of mine called me while I was at work.

He said he was going to change his name to "Spinal Column".

I said, "Look, I'm really busy right now. I'll call you back."

Husband: "Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000..."

Wife (shouts from the kitchen): "It's because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!"

Husband: "What?"

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A woman arrived at a party. While scanning the guests there, she spotted an attractive man standing alone.

So she approached him, smiled and said politely, "Hello, my name is Carmen."

"That's a beautiful name", he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No", she replied, "As a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I choose Ca...

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled...

“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

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How do you avoid a sharp pain in your eye while drinking chocolate milk?

Take the spoon out of the glass.

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude in a garden, while a sexy and beautiful big breasted nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down ...

Have you been wearing your glasses while wearing a facemask?

If so, you might be entitled to condensation.

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer and takes out a smoke, he asks the guy sitting next to him for a light and is handed a giant lighter. He looks at it curiously, lights his smoke and hands it back while inquiring where one would get such a large lighter?

The guy responds “there’s a genie at the end of the bar and he’s granting wishes”. The man gets up and walks up to sit next to the genie and says, “I hear you’re granting wishes”. The genie after having been drinking heavily for hours responds “yeah but one wish per customer!” The guy shrugs and say...

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A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw an elderly man walking past. She hasn't had a customer in a while, so she calls out to him

"Hey, would you like to have a fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

"Aww... give it a try... "

Old man says okay. They go in. The old man whips out his dick and fucks her harder than he had in decades, and for 30 minutes!

When he's done, the pr...

Yuri Gagarin returned from space and Khrushchev asked him a question: "While you were up there, did you see god?"

Yuri replied: "Yes."

"That's what I suspected, but don't tell anybody."

Gagarin traveled to Rome and met the Pope, who asked him a question: "While you were up there, did you see god?"

Yuri replied: "No."

"That's what I suspected, but don't tell anybody."

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The...

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The Hospital

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Doreen Jacobs, Room 604."

The ope...

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What do you call sex while camping?

Fucking intense.

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Frequently while mating, female mantises will bite the males' heads off. So why do male mantises still have sex with them?

Have you ever tried masturbating with spiked clampers for hands?

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Me: My wife isn’t talking to me after she walked in on me while masturbating.

Friend: Were you watching porn?

Me: No! I was just looking at pictures of Sanna Marin, the Swedish Prime Minister.

Friend: Finnish.

Me: Yes! And thats when she REALLY lost it.

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A final CIA test for three men

An American, a Russian and a Bosnian man get to the final test to be admitted to the CIA. An American enters a room where he sees his wife Jennifer. A voice says: " There is a gun on the table, your last test is to kill your wife, no questions asked." American points the gun, but after a while gives...

Barack Obama goes to a costume party while giving his wife a piggyback ride. Someone asks him what he’s dressed up as and he responds “I’m a snail!”

That’s M’Shell on my back

A gynecologist waits on his last patient, who does not arrive...

After an hour, he makes a gin and tonic to relax. After he settles into an armchair to read the newspaper, he hears the doorbell ring.

It’s the patient, who arrives all embarrassed and apologizes for the delay.

“It doesn't matter,” answers the doctor.

“Look, I was having a gin ...

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A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in ...

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A guy walks into a brothel

John: I've been coming here for a while and it's becoming a bit routine. Have you got something different to try?

Madame: Well we do have a girl with a glass eye...she takes it out a let's you fuck her in the eye socket

John: OMG that's crazy, I'll have to give it a try

15 mi...

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. ...

The alligator, a huge fellow, is seen later and the crocodile, another huge fellow, is seen after a while. There’s a third fellow who is quite small, and you see him very soon. Why?

Because he just Caiman!

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a kangaroo walks into a bar while on vacation...

A kangaroo walks into a bar while on vacation.

Bartender:Don't see to many kangaroos in here, what can I get ya?
Kangaroo: I'm not feeling myself, want something that takes me back to my roots.

The bartender pours a beer and gives it to the kangaroo. The kangaroo drinks it.

K...

Jimmy farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out.

He sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing. The principle walks by and sees him. He asks, “Jimmy, why are you sitting outside your class laughing?"

“I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.” The principle asks him again, “Well then, why are you laughing?”

“Because those i...

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

I Hit A Pole While Driving In Europe Once

I'm now wanted in Poland for manslaughter.

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!...

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One morning when Johnny is brushing his teeth, he sees his mother stepping out of the shower to dry herself off. While she is reaching for her towel, he notices that she has hair between her legs.

"Mommy," he says, "why do you have hair between your legs?"

Embarrassed, the mother responds, "Oh, this isn't hair. This is a washcloth. I used it to wash my face in the shower." She is so mortified, she decides to shave off her pubic hair.

A few mornings later when Johnny sees his mot...

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My friend died of a heart attack while having sex with his wife

At least he died doing what he loved.

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Listened to the new [insert shitty band] album while working out and it really inspired me to power through the sets.

So I could turn it off faster. [OC]

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TIL, in the original draft of Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King, JRR Tolkien wrote that Bilbo Baggins died while having sex with a dwarf prostitute…

Apparently old hobbits die hard.

My wife had diarrhea while wearing fishnets.

She had runs in her stockings.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

A French, a Brit, and an American are on an expedition in the Amazon

They are captured by a tribe of natives. The chief says to them, "you must die for intruding our land. But it is our custom to allow you to choose your own death."

After some time, the Frenchman says, "my great grandfather died by sword while fighting for France, I shall do the same to honor ...

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

scarlet johansson

There’s an airline crash in the Pacific. The only two survivors are a young man, Steve, and an unconscious young woman.

Steve finds the young woman clinging to a piece of debris. He tows her to a small, deserted atoll.

The young woman does not regain consciousness for a week. In the me...

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A king has to go out and fight a crusade during the middle ages. he knows that his wife is very promiscuous and doesn't trust her to stay loyal while he is gone. he decides to install chastity belt device that whenever someone trys to have sex with her, their penis gets chopped off.

10 years later he returns from the crusade. he calls all the men from the village into his castle and orders them pull down their pants. one by one the men pull down their pants. the king finds that almost every man has their dick chopped off. however, the last man in line is still holding strong. t...

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

Death: Jack! Your time is up. I'll take you now.

Jack: Not today please, I have a lot more to do.

Death: Oh no, you're the first on the list to die.

Jack: Alright, I'll finish what I'm doing first. Even better, I'll make you some coffee while you wait. And after I'm done, we can leave.

(Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee an...

I told my kid to not open the door for anyone while I’m not home

Now I’m stuck outside

A joke I heard while working in China a few years ago

A Chinese state-owned container ship is highjacked by pirates. A Chinese Communist Party official is sent to negotiate.

The pirates’ leader, waving his gun, shouted: “the ransom is TEN MILLION dollars! Or everyone on the ship will die!”

The official responded, calmly: “I will give you ...

While Pluto was playing with the dishes

It said" When I grow up i wanna move plates just like Earth."

I told Alexa to play pet sounds on repeat to keep my dog company while I was out of the house today.

Long story short, my shih-tzu knows the words to "God Only Knows" now.

A penguin grows tired of the cold winters in Alaska...

So he buys a used Corvette and heads south for warmer weather. About five hundred miles into the trip the Corvette starts to overheat.

He stops in a small town and finds a mechanic to get the issue fixed. The mechanic says he is not going to be able to look at the car for an hour, so the Pen...

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

A joke i heard a while ago

The 120 year old grandfather goes to the doctor for his physical and says he's feeling great. "So great, in fact, I got my girlfriend pregnant!" he proudly boasts to the doctor.

"Let me tell you a story." the doctor says. "A man went for a walk in the woods whereupon he encountered a bear,...

What's hard before you use it, wet while you're using it and soft and flaccid after you are done using it?

Chewing gum.

John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, "David, we have good...

What did the doe (female deer) say as she was rubbing herself while leaving the meadow?

I’ll never do that for 2 bucks again

A cop started crying while he was writing me a ticket.

I asked him why and he said, "It's a moving violation."

Why was Traffic Man often coughing while capturing villains?

Because he was always congested.

What did the SNAIL say while riding on the turtles back?

" Wheeeeeeeee"

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What's something you can say in church and while having sex?

I come in the name of the Lord.

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The bad news is that I slipped and fell while getting out of the shower and I landed on my glasses. The glasses went up my butt.

The good news?

Hindsight is 20-20

Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans?

>!Because Australia won the coin toss!<

A doctor was accused of murdering someone by performing an autopsy while the patient was still alive

During the court case, the attorney looked at the doctor and said, “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”

The doctor said no

“Did you check for breathing?”

The doctor again said no.

The attorney said, “so then, is it at all possible, that t...

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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as ...

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A shaggy looking old lady goes into her bank and asks the teller...

"Can I please withdraw $10 from my account?" while handing over her debit card.

The teller, annoyed at such a transaction request, rudely tells the old lady "Go to the ATM, stop holding up the line for $10."

The old lady then says "Okay, then I want to withdraw $10k from my account."...

Three old brothers that are 94, 96, and 98 live together.

One day, the oldest brother decides to take a bath, so he fills up the tub. He put one foot in, then stops. He yells down the stairs “Was I getting in or out of the bath”.

The 96 year old yells back “I’m not sure, I’ll come up and see”. He takes one step up the stairs, stops, and yells “Was I...

Six Supreme Court justices, floating face-down in a river

All 6 conservative members of the SCOTUS got stranded in the woods with only a giant suitcase and a couple of paddles. Then they came to a raging river- it was fast-moving, wide and rocky but only waist deep. They began to bicker over how to get across. Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch said "We are st...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

A marine in Afghanistan receives a letter

In the letter his girlfriend explained that she had slept with his best friend while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any self respecting M...

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Joseph Stalin Is Bored

To amuse himself he has a great idea.
He decides to disguise himself and circulate amongst his people and find out what they really think of him.

He organises a job at the local factory and starts work there.
He starts chatting with one of the workers, and they agree to eat their lunch ...

My boyfriend cracked a joke while being in me

call it an inside joke

What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself?

Your ear listening for foot steps.

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you t...

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(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

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A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the counter and starts getting himself really good and drunk. Like, properly pissed. After a while, he feels a certain heaviness in his colon, so he calls over the bartender.

"'Scuse me," he asks blearily. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Oh, it's right down the hall!" the bart...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

"Don't call me a Necrophiliac ever again" he said while pulling up his pants.

She didn't reply.

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A husband got a new job

A husband got a new job and had to go on his first ever business trip.

This was especially tough because he and his wife made love every other day and he was going to be gone for a week.

He didn’t want his wife to miss him, or miss out on her regular orgasm, so he decided to buy her a ...

Finally a smart blonde joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the Loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and Needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz...

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money.

He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

He walked all the way to the airport and got home.

Some times ro...

Who drives the ship while all the pirates are pillaging?

No one, they just turn on auto-pirate

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Nsfw An aussie man calls emergency services while camping with his wife

Operator: "Emergency services how can we help you mate"

Man: "Please help! me sheila got bitten in her minge by a mozzie and its all swollen and now we can't have sex!"

Operator: "Oh bummer mate..."

Man: "Oh thanks mate never thought of that!"
*Hangs up

While daydreaming, I started having an imaginary argument with my wife.

I still lost the argument.

I'm saying goodbye to r/jokes for a little while.

My wife says I'm on Reddit every 20 seconds checking it and she can't stand it anymore! I had to make a choice. So I'm going to be offline for a couple of minutes while I pack her bags.

There are two trees in the forest, a beech and a birch and one day, they notice a small tree has sprouted up in between them. The birch says, "Man, that really looks like a son of a beech!" The beech retorts, "No way! That's gotta be a son of a birch!"

So, they start arguing back and forth. "Son of a beech!" "Son of a birch!"

Eventually, a woodpecker flies by and hears the two trees fighting and he asks the two trees what's wrong and what are they are fighting about.

The trees explain to the woodpecker that they can't tell if the sma...

If you are feeling sick and sweating while fueling up your car...

...you may have carownervirus.

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A guy runs into a bar.

He goes up to the bartender and asks him "Hey how tall is a penguin?" The bartender looks at him and goes "I don't know, probably around three feet." The guy looks distraught and while leaving goes "Oh shit, I think I hit a nun."

A blond Joke I've only heard once before.

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16-year-olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Ye...

A naked police officer came to work

A naked police officer came to work and his commander, shocked, asked him: "why did you come naked?"
The police officer said: "There was a party last night I attended. At 00:00 all lights went off and we were in the dark. All of a sudden a voice said that all females should undress. You could h...

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My dog bit my bf so I had to put him down. I am crying while going through his toys.

The motherfucker was on three dating sites. I saw it on his cellphone.

While doing a crossword, the cyclops asked his wife, "How do you spell Hawaii?"

She replied, "You need two i’s."

Cyclops growled, "My life is just a big joke to you, isn’t it?"

What did Arnold Schwarzengger say while doing an abortion?

"Hasta La Vista, baby."

Did you hear that Adelle started a campaign to raise awareness for sea life by reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone while scuba diving 60 ft under the water.

They called it "Rowling in the Deep"

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.

"Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?" asked the one.

"Well, not exactly." His friend replied, "She's more into the trick dog aspect of it."

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead."

Some of my friends loved the game Battleship while the others absolutely hated it.

It was…hit or miss.

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E𝒗𝒆𝒓𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒍𝒅 𝒉𝒂𝒔 𝒌𝒆𝒑𝒕 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒂𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝑻𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒐𝒊𝒔𝒆… 𝑺𝒂𝒚𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒍𝒐𝒘 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒚 𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒂𝒄𝒆, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒆𝒎𝒑𝒉𝒂𝒔𝒊𝒛𝒊𝒏𝒈...

A Yorkshireman is lying on his death bed

He had been unwell for a while, and the time was drawing near. The man had asked for his family to be gathered in the bedroom to say their goodbyes.

“Is my darling wife here with me?”

“Yes, love.”

“And is my son here, in the bedroom with me?”

“Yes Father, I’m here.”
...

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A priest and a rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.

After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”

The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

“Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptatio...

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Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

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The wife walks in while watching porn

My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.

In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel.

As my wife walks out again she says: "You should stay on the porn channel... You know how to fish."

A young boy enters a barber shop.

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes t...

What is the hardest thing to chew while eating a vegetable?

The wheelchair

They banned talking on mobile phones while driving in Germany

With the new law, a man went to an electronics shop looking for something that would help him to answer his calls, but still keep his focus on driving. The store employee offered to have his brother Hansel ride with him and put the phone up to his ear when it rang.

The man said "No, that won'...

my friend told me I always focus on the least exciting parts while telling a story

I was so surprised by his words I almost took a wrong turn and screwed up our escape from the police

Three explorers get abducted by cannibals

While on an excursion on the amazon river deep in the jungle three explorers are surrounded and captured by a tribe of cannibals. They are brought before the tribal leader.

He looks at the first and says, "we're going to dine on your flesh, we're going to use your bones to make tools, an...

What weapon do sheep like to use while in prison?

A lamb shank

Why do you have to wait while at the gym

because you get buffer

A painter was murdered while working in his latest painting.

The police still can't see the full picture.

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

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Duck joke

So, you're in a bar and want to have a bit of fun and impress someone.

While you're leading up to this, you should take a bar napkin and rip it in into little 1" squares. Make a fist, and stick the squares in the middle of it.

So then you say to the person you're going to impress, "How...

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A young priest is new to a confregation

And he strikes up a conversation with a young nun. He tells her that on his studies in The Vatican he’s come to understand an important teaching that’s been neglected. Basically, it turns out the kingdom of heaven is sealed with an earthly lock. Luckily, men posses the key and women, the lock itself...

An elderly woman was very ill, and in the hospital.

Her daughter was constantly by her bedside, but when she had to go to work, she called her husband and made him promise he would visit his mother-in-law while she was away.

When she came home after work, she asked her husband, very worried:
"So, how's my mom doing?"

"She‘s great!” ...

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The man sits in the hospital waiting room day and night, praying for his wife to recover.

One day, while giving the wife a sponge bath, the nursing staff notices, when they wash her "private area", a slight amount of brain activity on the monitor.

The senior nurse goes out to talk to the husband, "Mr. Smith, we have an unorthodox request for you. My staff has noticed that your wif...

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Girls, if your man starts acting weird while sexting;

Send him a picture of a naked grandma, then send him a picture of your boobs. He just needs turning off and back on again.

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A guy hadn't gotten any action for a while so he decides to visit a local brothel

"What would you like tonight?” his entertainer asked him.
"Well, I'm not really sure, what do you recommend?” he replied.
"I could give you the best hand job you've ever had, if you don't believe me just look out the window... do you see that Mercedes? I bought that with the money I made just ...

While in prison, I started a relationship with an English teacher and I wanted to marry her when I got out...

but apparently she wouldn't let me end a sentence with a proposition.

It had to be Australia

A gecko lizard is walking through the Australian bush, heading toward the river for a drink.

On his walk he comes across a koala sitting in a gum tree, smoking a joint and stops for a chat.

"Gidday, mate. What are you doing?"

The koala replies, "Smoking a joint, come up and join...

3 Girls die together, & went to heaven

Saint Peter said, "We have only one simple rule here. Don't step on the turtles, walk carefully"

Girl 1 walks uncautiously and steps on a turtle.
Saint peter - what have you done? We are going to give you one of the worst punishments.
Girl 1 - It was by mistake, just give me one exc...

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Sex at the old age home

Don Carlos is 90 years old and lives in an old age retirement nursing home.
Every night after dinner, he secludes himself at the far-end of the garden.
One night, Juanita, 80 years old, approaches him. They start chatting about life and old age, and after a while, he says to her,

"You k...

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

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A woman goes to the doctors as she hears a whistling sound from her vagina

A woman goes to the Doctor and says "My vagina whistles when I walk".

The Doctor sits surprised as the woman proceeds to walk up and down the office, all the while her vagina lets out a shrill whistle. He examines her and can find nothing to indicate why this is happening.

"I ca...

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The local brothel is hiring

This to be told at parties - needs to have women in the audience.

So, the local brothel has been losing business for a while and the owner thought it's time to add some new faces to shore up some business. She had 3 rooms open and could hire 3 more girls.

She puts up an ad on the loc...

A Mechanical Engineer, a software engineer and a purchasing agent...

..are on their way to an industry event when their rental car gets a flat tire. The purchasing agent says

"We need to buy a new tire"

the mechanical engineer says

"no, I think I can fix this one"

and the software engineer says,

"let's drive on it for a while, mayb...

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the m...

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While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days ...

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So there is this bear hunter

So this chap is out bear hunting. He sees a large bear, sneaks up on it, takes his shot and misses!

The bear spots him and charges. The hunter runs but trips and the bear is on him. To his surprise the bear doesn't maul him to death but says:

"Look, I've eaten today but I am a bit ho...

Why didn't Noah do any fishing while he was on the ark?

He only had two worms.

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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick while giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give t...

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I hate people who go out in public while they have covid.

those fuckers make me sick

I walked into a bar

And ordered 10 shots of vodka at the bar and started doing shot after shot until I got 6 in and the bartender said 'Jeez buddy, are you having problems?' to which I replied "You wouldn't want what I got.". He asked what I had and I said

"About 35 cents"

He kicked me out promptly aft...

Chuck Norris’ wife accidentally kneed him in the groin while dancing

He asked her if her knee was ok

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar, sits down at the counter and orders a beer in a glass and a beer in a thimble.
The waiter finds his request strange, but he complies.
Suddenly a tiny man comes out of the man's shirt pocket, sits down on the bar and drinks his beer from the thimble. The waiter looks at ...

Little old lady decides to join the Hell's Angels

A little old lady decides to join The Hell’s Angels so one day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, “I want to join your club.”

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says sh...

Shaved for the first time in a while.

Feels like I'm jacking off a new man.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!

The man sat and thought about it f...

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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If getting a blowjob while driving is called Roadhead, what do you call getting a blowjob while piloting a plane?

Airhead

Bob the Builder dies and goes to heaven

But on the way he's kidnapped by Satan and dragged down to Hell. After a while, God realises Bob is missing and phones Satan to complain.

"Well," says Satan "he's doing a couple of little jobs for me. Just a bit of decorating. Then I'll send him up to you."

Time passes. Still no sign o...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

What does a dyslexic, insomniac agnostic think about while he lies awake at night?

He is wondering if there is a dog.

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